How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Lies

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Knowing how to save a marriage after infidelity and lies is the key to actually being able to do it!

When we set out to save a marriage, for any reason, we often make the mistake of not defining our goal specifically and identifying the things that need to be done to get there.

If you truly want to save your marriage after infidelity, focus your goal on that and make sure that the items below are a part of your toolkit.

#1 – Be Honest

It is essential that, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, you be honest with each other. No marriage can be saved without honesty, and honesty is the key to every happy relationship.

What do you need to be honest about? Several things.

The first is for the cheater to be honest about what happened. To own up to the infidelity and take ownership of what they have done by having the affair. Too many people, mostly because they are consumed with guilt, deny that the affair was a big deal, saying that it was just something that happened and that they want to forget about.

As a result, the other person feels cheated. They feel lied to. They feel disrespected. And that doesn’t set the stage for saving a marriage.

Another thing that is essential to be honest about is whether or not you want the marriage to be saved. Unless both people in the relationship want to work through this, there is no reason to even try.

Why? If one person wants to move forward, someone who doesn’t want to will only hold the other person back. If one person doesn’t want to move forward, they should be honest with their spouse and let them go so that they have an opportunity to heal.

So, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, it is essential to start by being honest with each other. If you don’t, your marriage is definitely doomed.

#2 – Be Patient

I know that the pain that you are feeling right now is huge. Whether you cheated or are the person cheated on, the revelation that there was cheating is devastating.

And, when we are in pain, we want more than anything for it to be gone, to return to normal again. Because normal might have been painful but less so.

It will take a couple a while to heal their marriage after infidelity. The person who cheated is most likely overwhelmed with guilt, even if they don’t think they are. And the person who was cheated on is probably struggling with anger, hurt, self-doubt and worse. Those emotions aren’t easy to get past.

So be patient. Know that the pain is going to stick around for a while. Figure out ways to manage it and don’t take it out on your partner.

If you take your pain out on your partner by treating them with contempt, you will only set yourself up for more pain and maybe the end of your marriage. There are ways to manage your pain without making things worse.

I would encourage you to keep yourself busy. There is nothing worse than sitting in your head all day, obsessing about what happened. Even worse is stalking them on social media, trying to learn more about the lover and trying to figure out if your partner is still cheating.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, spend time with people who love and support you and get enough sleep (I know – easier said than done right now). If you can take care of yourself right now, instead of sitting on the couch eating ice cream and obsessing, you will find that your pain will be lessened, if only for a little bit!

So, manage your pain as you work through saving your marriage. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Be Committed

If you are trying to save your marriage after infidelity, I would encourage you to decide whether you are committed to doing the work to save it.

I always tell my clients, when they are trying to stay away from someone who has broken their heart, to not be wishy-washy – to not say that they are going to ‘try’ to stay away from them. That they are going to ‘try’ to not respond to their texts. That they are going to ‘try’ to not stalk them on social media.

If you truly want to save your marriage, it is essential that you both are truly committed to making it happen. Commitment, the belief that you CAN do something, is the key to having success in anything, whether at work or in your personal life.

So, take a good look at how you are feeling. I am guessing that you aren’t sure if your marriage can be saved but being fully committed to doing the work to try to save it will only set you up for success.

I remember when my ex wanted to go to therapy after he asked for a divorce it was only so that ‘our marriage would end well.’ From my perspective, why even bother? He had made up his mind and therapy would have been a waste of time. I wished it could have been different but it was what it was. So, I went off and did my therapy and am now living happily ever after.

So, if you aren’t fully committed to making the effort to save your marriage, don’t even try.

#4 – Be Willing to Get Help

So many people believe that they can survive anything without getting any help.

For some reason, getting professional help to get you through difficult times has been stigmatized. We believe that we are tough, that we can get through anything on our own.

But this just isn’t the case. Why? Because you have never done this before. Never tried to save your marriage after infidelity.

Imagine that someone took you skiing and you had never been skiing once in your life. You decide not to take lessons because ‘how hard can it be?’ And then you find yourself at the top of the mountain with strange boards on your feet having no idea what to do next.

Getting through infidelity is the same. You have never been through this before and trying the DIY version of working through it will only end in more pain.

So, if you are both honestly committed to working through trying to save your marriage, I would encourage you to reach out to a professional marriage counselor or life coach who could help you take the steps to do so!

#5 – Be Respectful

I am guessing that you read this title and you thought to yourself – no way! Your person has cheated on you – you don’t owe them any respect.

I know that they have hurt you, deeply, but if you can’t treat them with respect, the respect that they deserve as a person, even if they have made a huge mistake, then you are just sabotaging any chances of saving your marriage.

Furthermore, I would encourage you not to talk to everyone about what has happened. Of course, we all have people who we need to process things with but getting out into the community and telling everyone what happened would only make things worse.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married woman and, when she decided to leave the relationship, he felt completely abandoned. And hurt. And he wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurt himself.

So, he decided that he was going to approach her and her husband, in front of all of their friends, and tell the husband what had happened between them. He knew that if he did this, his ex’s reputation in the community would be destroyed and that, if they ever got back together, not only would he be ridiculed but it would be hard for them to be respected as a couple.

So, if you want to save your marriage after your partner cheated, I would encourage you not to do or say anything that you can’t take back. I would encourage you to treat your partner like you would want to be treated. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up to end your marriage.

Knowing some of the things to do if you want to save your marriage after infidelity is the best way to actually reach your goal.

It’s not going to be easy to come back after infidelity, but if you are honest, committed, willing to get help, and be respectful, you are setting yourself up, in a big way, for success.

I know that you can do this! And, no matter how it all ends up, you can know that you did your best and that you maintained your self-esteem in the process!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Signs Your Depression is Getting Really Bad After Your Break Up

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Are you wondering if your depression is getting really bad after your breakup?

Do you find yourself just getting sadder and sadder? Have your friends mentioned that you are not yourself? Have you been ignoring your mother’s calls for months?

Knowing if your depression is getting worse after a breakup is a hard thing to do because you are living your life day to day, and the big picture of what is going on with your mood can be cloudy.

It’s important to know if your depression is getting worse because with knowledge comes power. If you know you are, in fact, getting more depressed every day, then knowing will give you the opportunity to figure out the next steps to take.

Here are 5 signs that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#1 – You Have No Hope

Do you feel completely hopeless?

Do you believe that tomorrow will be worse than today? That your work is only going to get harder? That going out with your friends is worse than death? That you will never love or be loved again?

Feeling hopeless is a key sign of depression.

I know that when I feel depressed, looking forward to the future is virtually impossible. I believe that I am worthless and will never add anything to the world and why even bother to get any help because it’s not going to make a difference. It’s a horrible feeling.

What I am here to tell you is that there is hope for your future. Even though you might want to slap the person who tells you that ‘everything will be fine,’ I can promise you that, if you can get some help to get you out of your depression, the future can be bright. That you will excel at work and that you will love and be loved again.

So, feeling hopeless is a key sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#2 – You Are Isolating

Be honest. When was the last time you left your house? Was it yesterday to get some take out? Was it a few days back when you needed to do some laundry? Was it last week for a friend’s birthday?

Take stock, right now, of the last time that you left the house. It is important that you take note because it’s easy to lose track.

Have you been spending time with your family and friends? Does the idea of doing so fill you with dread, and are you ignoring everyone at all costs? Would you rather stay home and watch TV than do anything at all?

All of the things I discussed above are signs that you are isolating. Isolating is another key indicator that you are depressed and that things might be getting worse.

I know that the idea of getting off your butt and doing something is incredibly daunting right now, but if you can do even one small thing – like taking a walk with a friend or going to a movie – you will feel better, even if only for a short time.

#3 – You Can’t Get Out of Bed or Off the Couch

Are you struggling with a complete lack of energy? Do you spend all day in bed, sleeping or eating ice cream and watching the ‘Desperate Housewives of some city far away’?

Do you sometimes manage to get out of bed, only to make your way over to the couch where you settle in under your blanket and watch some romantic movies that make you feel worse?

People who are depressed have very little energy and, as a result, spend a lot of time sedentary. And being sedentary is not only a sign of depression but it’s also the worst thing that you can do to work through it.

I have heard some great ideas from people who are struggling to get out of bed or off the couch when they are depressed.

When they get out of bed, they put their mattress against the wall so that impulsively getting back into bed is impossible. Another thing that they do is to load up the couch with books and clothes and other lumpy things so that being on the couch is uncomfortable.

With no place to collapse into, being sedentary is much more difficult, and it might force you to get out into the world, to get some exercise, and maybe even see friends!

#4 – You Haven’t Showered

I know that when one of my friends is feeling really depressed, the indicator is that she never showers. When she is depressed, self-care is the first thing that goes.

She doesn’t shower. She doesn’t shave. She doesn’t take her vitamins. She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t do her laundry. She pretty much does nothing that will help keep her body strong and healthy.

And not feeling healthy only fuels her depression.

My friend knows that she does this. A coping skill that she has developed is that, when she has a moment or two when she feels okay (which we all do when we are depressed but, unless we make an effort in that moment, we just fall back into the darkness), she takes a shower. And, more likely than not, this one little piece of self-care makes a big difference with her mood, even if only for a bit. And feeling better about herself helps her reach out to her friends or her doctor for help!

So, are you dirty, hungry, and unkempt? If yes, it definitely might be a sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#5 – You Are Self-Sabotaging

Unfortunately, when one is feeling hopeless, alone, lazy, and dirty, the desire to do anything positive is just not there. As a result, we do things that are self-sabotaging, things that might keep us depressed rather than moving towards healing.

What kind of self-sabotaging? Reaching out to our ex. Stalking them on Instagram. Reading old text messages. Reflecting on how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Is this you? If it is, STOP these behaviors right now! All of these things will only keep you in a dark spot.

You have broken up with your person, and yes, it’s very sad, but the number one thing that you can do to help you move past it is to go ‘no contact.’ Every moment of contact you have with your ex will only drag you back into that hole of depression.

Imagine if, instead of reaching out to your person, you reached out to a friend. Imagine if, instead of stalking them on Instagram, you used your time on your phone to text with the sister who makes you laugh. Imagine if, instead of reading old text messages, you deleted them, taking back your power. And how about accepting that the way things were in the beginning will never be that way again, because they never are.

So, consider your behaviors these days. If you find you are self-sabotaging instead of doing the things that you need to do to get out of this darkness, then you are definitely depressed.

If your depression is getting really bad after your breakup, know that there are things that you can do about it.

The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are depressed. Doing so will help you take that first step forward!

Once you have accepted your depression, it is the time to take action. Take a shower, take your mattress off the bed, reach out to a friend, eat something that is good for you, take a walk, and go ‘no contact’ with your ex. If you can do even ONE of these things, you will be on the road to getting past your depression and starting to live your life again.

If you find that these things aren’t making your depression go away, it might be time to see your primary care doctor, to see if they can help you manage your mood. They won’t judge you. I promise!

I know that it all seems daunting right now, but I promise that you can do it. And imagine how good you will feel when you do!

5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

5 Ways to Know When It’s Time to Break Up with Someone

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Recognizing when it ‘ s time to break up with someone is one of the hardest things to do.

We get into relationships with so many hopes and dreams and, when they start to go awry, it ‘ s hard for us to face the facts. As a result, we struggle to figure out when it ‘ s time to break up with someone because we just don ‘ t want to face it.

I am guessing all of your friends are telling you many reasons why you should be breaking up with your person but you think that they don ‘ t know him the way you do so why should you listen? I ‘ m here to tell you that there are five concrete, universal signs that you should look for to know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone. Listen and learn ‘ ¦

#1 – If they lie to you more than once.

Does your person lie to you? Do they lie to you over and over? If yes, then it might just be time to break up with them.

We all tell lies. Sometimes little white lies to prevent us from hurting someone else. Sometimes lies because we are embarrassed by something we did. Sometimes lies that are unintentional.

The difference between these kind of lies and the kind of lies that show it ‘ s time to break up with someone is their frequency.

Do find that you are continually catching your person in a lie? Do they lie about why they came home late or why they can ‘ t see you or who they were hanging out with or whether they left the dishes in the sink?

Even worse, do you find they are lying to you over and over and over about the same subject, sometimes using different lies but often just some version of the one they used before?

People who lie in their relationships do so to protect themselves. They know that they are doing things that they shouldn ‘ t be doing and they feel guilty about it, so they lie. They don ‘ t want to get into a fight with you about the dishes in the sink, so they lie. They don’t want you to come along, so they lie.

And do they always lie again when they are caught in a lie?

If you are finding that your person is lying to you over and over then it ‘ s definitely time to break up with them.

Healthy relationships are built on trust and if you can ‘ t trust your person you have no chance of being happy. Furthermore, a person who is lying to you over and over is not someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. Finally, who wants to spend their whole life not believing a thing that their person is saying to them.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!

#2 – If they disappear.

Be honest. At the beginning of your relationship was your person always around and available? Did they text you all day long, call you late at night, always wanting to know what you were doing, what you were wearing, when they were going to see you next? And, do they still do that? Again, be honest.

A big sign that it ‘ s time to break up with someone is when your person disappears. If they usually text you good morning and they stop, that ‘ s a sign they may not be still into you. If they are AWOL for a few hours where normally they might be available, that ‘ s a sign that you might not be able to trust them. If they say they will spend time with you but then have an excuse for why they were doing something else, how can you not wonder why they didn ‘ t want to be with you.

Imagine if you had a friend who was consistently letting you down, not responding to your text messages, blowing off dates, disappearing when you needed them. Would you stay with a friend like that? Would you invest more time on someone who doesn ‘ t have the respect for you and your time that you deserve? Of course, you wouldn ‘ t. That friend would be sidelined immediately.

So, if you would let go of a friend who did that, why wouldn ‘ t you let go of a person who was doing that to you? Having a lover doing it to you is even worse than a friend because they are supposed to be your person, they are supposed to be prioritizing you, they should love and respect you enough that they will be there when they say they would.

If you person keeps disappearing, stop making excuses for them and let them go.

#3 – If history keeps repeating itself.

Ok, we have covered lying and disappearing and the fact that if those things are done over and over its definitely time to break up with someone.

People fight, people mistreat each other, people call each other bad names. People disappear and reappear without an excuse. People break up with each other and then they get back together. People watch ahead on the series that you were watching together.

Those things happen – we are only human and make mistakes all the time.

That being said, if you find that you and your person are having the same fight over and over, then it might be time to end things.

If you find that you break up and get back together and then break up and get back together, that is definitely a sign that your relationship should be stopping at the break up next time.

If your person goes out with their ex and lies about it, over and over, then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

So, think about your relationship? Do the same things keep happening over and over with no change? Do you get promises that things will be different next time only to have them be the exact same? Do you find you are repeatedly fighting about the same stupid thing without any resolution?

If you said yes to any of those things, it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with someone.

#4 – If they remind you of your ex.

Do you ever find yourself in a fight with your person and does it suddenly pop into your head that they are just like your ex?

When your partner has another excuse for why he won ‘ t be around, do you think back to all of the times that your ex used to do the same thing?

When you reach out for a hug only to be rebuffed, do you remember how your ex always had an excuse for why they couldn ‘ t touch you?

Unless we do our work after a breakup, unless we take the time to determine what went wrong and resolve to not repeat the same mistakes, we tend to choose the same type of person over and over and over. And, as a result, we find ourselves in the same position over and over and over – in an unhappy relationship.

If you are seeing your ex in your current partner then it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with them. After all, your ex is your ex for a reason. Do you want to waste your time repeating history or do you want to walk away now and find someone who couldn ‘ t be more unlike your ex and who could potentially make you deliriously happy?

#5 – If your gut says it’s time.

This is the hardest sign to look out for. If it wasn ‘ t, you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article.

Our gut is always accurate! Always. And yet it is the thing that we tend to ignore more than anything. And that is why there are so many relationship coaches out there – to help us to see what we already know but aren ‘ t willing to face.

Think about your previous relationships. Did you see a red flag with someone right away but choose to ignore it, hoping that you were wrong? Did your gut tell you that your person was lying to you but did you ignore it, wanting so badly to believe them? Did your gut tell you that things were not okay when their touch no longer made you happy?

I am guessing that, in retrospect, you are wishing that you had paid more attention to your gut and not wasted so much time chasing something that wasn ‘ t meant to be.

If you are feeling, in your gut, that it is time to break up with someone, then it is time to break up with someone. My list will be very helpful for you to process this situation intellectually but it is the feeling that you get in your gut, the one that says run for the hills, that is really the indicator that it is time to break up with someone.

So, listen to it!

Knowing when it ‘ s the time to break up with someone is something that we sometimes just don ‘ t want to face.

We are so scared of being alone or not finding someone who can love us or hoping that things will change it makes us unable to face the very clear clues that the time has come to end the relationship. And so we stay and we suffer.

Keep an eye open for the signs, that they are lying or disappearing over and over and over. If they remind you of your ex or if your gut says to run. If you see those signs and you want to live happily ever, after then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away and find the right person for you!

You can do it! I promise!

5 Things to Do if You Can’t Get Over Your Wife Cheating

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In spite of all of your best efforts, are you finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating?

Do you want more than anything to do so so that you can move forward and out of this pain but find you just can ‘ t?

Is this inability to get over your wife cheating making you wonder if maybe the best thing to do is to just stuff it all down and hope it passes?

I get it. Everything you are struggling with is natural after finding that a partner has cheated.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to figure out what the next steps are, even if you haven ‘ t been able to get over your wife cheating.

Here are 5 of them:

#1 – Decide what you want.

Ok, so you are finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating and, since you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are finding this very frustrating.

My question to you is – why you are finding this so frustrating?

Are you finding it frustrating because you want to forgive her so that you can stay together and live happily ever after?

Are you finding it frustrating because you find yourself hating her and you don ‘ t want to hate the mother of your children?

Are you finding it frustrating because you so want to end the marriage but you think that leaving isn’t an option if you can ‘ t past your wife ‘ s infidelity, that if you just leave you will be stuck in this cycle of anger forever?

Are you finding it frustrating because your friends are sick of hearing about this subject?

Is it something else completely?

Whatever the reason, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want, to set a goal that you are working towards. Why? Because without a goal to move towards, action is difficult.

If you want to get past your wife cheating because you would like to stay with her and live happily ever after then that will entail one course of action – most likely therapy.

If you want to get past your wife cheating for the kids, there is another course of action. Again, probably therapy to help you both manage the effect the infidelity will have on the kids.

If you want to get past your wife cheating so that you can move on without bad feelings then that ‘ s a whole other course of action, one that involves you doing what you need to do, not you as a couple need to do, to make that possible.

Whatever your reason for wanting to let go of your wife cheating, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ you want to get over it and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want the outcome to be. There might not be just one outcome that you want but pick the one that feels the best in your stomach, the one that would feel like the best outcome at this time. It might be challenging but you can do it!

Of course, you might not be able to get the outcome that you want, ultimately, but you will have no chance, whatsoever, of getting it if you don ‘ t know what it is!

#2 – Tell her what you want.

Once you have decided what you want, it is important that you share this with your spouse. Even if you are still somewhat struggling with what you want, tell her that you could like to aim towards the thing that you decided you want to aim towards.

Why? Because it ‘ s important to know that you are on the same page before you take next steps.

If you want to stay together and be happy and she doesn ‘ t, you can decide whether or not you want to try anyway.

If you want out and she doesn ‘ t, then at least she knows what you want and she can decide if she wants to do the work to help your marriage end in a way that will help you all heal.

Whatever it is you want, it is important that you both know the direction that whatever work you do is headed.

How good would it feel for you to be on a path towards letting go, no matter what the outcome is? Because getting on that path, no matter the outcome, is better than standing still, not sure what steps to take next.

#3 – Be honest.

So – tell me the truth. Have you been honest with your spouse about how you feel about what has happened?

Those of us who have struggled with a spouse ‘ s infidelity all react in different ways. For me, I confronted the issue head on. I screamed and yelled and cried and talked and asked questions. I wanted to deal with this and move past it.

But that isn ‘ t always the way. For many people, learning about infidelity causes them to close down. Instead of telling their spouse how they feel about the cheating, they stay in their head, obsessing about what happened, imagining scenarios that may or may not be based on the truth.

Or perhaps you are acting like everything is fine. That the affair is over and you are ok with that and that you want to move on. Even if it ‘ s a lie.

Or perhaps you want more than anything to talk about it but you have been giving your wife the silent treatment because you are scared of the words that might be said.

What I can tell is that, if you aren ‘ t being honest with yourself, or your partner, about your feelings then there isn ‘ t any chance that you will be able to get over your wife cheating.

Stuffing down your feelings will only lead to more anger, not less, which is not what you want, I am guessing, if you are reading this article.

#4 – Explore your options.

One of the things that happen when we find out that our partners have been unfaithful is that we wonder what the future will look like.

We thought we had it all figured out. That the marriage would continue, even if there were issues. That love and respect were still part of your relationship and that would be enough to carry you through. That if you could just make it until the kids go off to college you guys would be ok!

Unfortunately, infidelity throws a wrench into all of those plans and we are left alone, afraid of the future.

I always encourage my clients who are struggling with exactly what you are struggling with to gather some information about what your future could look like.

While you might think that a future together would be impossible, reading up on other people ‘ s experiences might be helpful. Talking together with a therapist might help make the vision of the future a little clearer.

If you want to walk away from the marriage, perhaps you are hesitant to do so because of what could happen if you do. I know that when my husband left me I held on tight. I was scared that I would have to do my own taxes and that I would lose my health care and and have to get a low paying job and move out of my house. My research led me to understand that I wouldn ‘ t necessarily have to get a low paying job or lose my house. I could still get health insurance through the state and my taxes, well, I would think about those later. Knowing the answers to my questions helped me to have a clearer picture of what a future without my husband might look like

Without concrete information, making a decision about something, namely what your future looks like, is impossible. And, if you are stuck in this place where you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating, it might be because you are scared of the future and feeling stuck.

Knowing your options might help change that.

#5 – Take Action.

The number one most important thing for you to do if you are finding that you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating is to finish this article and then stand up and take action.

I am guessing that for days, weeks or months you have been in a state of shock. Angry, sad, guilty, perhaps blaming yourself, scared, depressed. And during that time, I am guessing that you worked out really hard or drank a few more beers than usual. Or both. And while doing those things can numb the pain, they won ‘ t help you let go of your wife ‘ s cheating.

Now is the time to change that. Instead of being stuck in this place of limbo, where you can ‘ t move on in any direction, imagine what it would feel like if you started working towards the life you want.

Imagine doing the work, with or without your wife, to get past feelings that have been holding you back, towards a future where you don ‘ t spend every moment of every day thinking about your wife ‘ s infidelity. Wouldn ‘ t that feel good?

So, get up off the couch and take action. Work to identify, RIGHT NOW, what it is that you want and take a step towards it, even a small one. A small step is better than no step at all.

Working to let go of your wife cheating is not an easy thing. That iswhy you find yourself in this place, being unable to do so.

But I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to let go of your spouse ‘ s infidelity and move forward, to stop being stuck in this in-between place that is sucking you dry.

Identify what you want, be clear with your wife about what it is, be honest with her, and everyone, about how you are feeling, explore your options and take action!

You don ‘ t know what the future holds – all you know that you want to be out of the place that you are now.

And you can do it – you just have to start now!

5 Ways to Survive the Holidays While in a Toxic Relationship

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Are you looking for ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

With everything else that is going on during the holidays, does your toxic relationship increase your stress and keep you from enjoying what is wonderful about the season?

Daily life is hard enough in a toxic relationship. Are you wondering how you will be able to make it through the holidays this year without losing your mind?

There are ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship and reading this article is an excellent first step for you to do so.

So, how does one survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

#1 – Avoid triggers.

Be honest with yourself. There must be triggers that can turn your relationship from good to bad, maybe even on the turn of a dime. I am guessing those triggers are pretty consistent and you know exactly what they are.

I would encourage you to take stock of those triggers and to do whatever you can to avoid them during the holiday season.

If you always fight about putting up the Christmas lights, perhaps just let your partner do it this year. If you always fight about your relationship with your parents, try to figure out a way to not have that be an issue. If you always fight because the house is messy, perhaps make an extra effort to keep it tidy.

A toxic relationship is a minefield of triggers, things that usually make things turn sour. If you can avoid them, and maybe even talk to your partner about avoiding them too, you are way more likely to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#2 – Don ‘ t expect things to be different.

Every year, many people in toxic relationships go into the holidays hoping that things are going to be different this year. Hoping that the disaster that was last Christmas won ‘ t happen again or that the toxicity that pervades your daily life will dissipate during the holiday season.

Unfortunately, unless you and your partner have been able to work on your toxic relationship over the course of the past year, things most likely won ‘ t be different.

For my ex and me, whenever a birthday or holiday approached, there was an issue around spending time with family. How I had spent my birthdays and holidays was very different from how he had spent his. I wanted to be at home with just our immediate family and he wanted to travel to see his extended family. Every holiday we fought about what we were going to do. And, every holiday, once it was over, we just ignored what had happened and moved on. Until the next holiday and the issue, and the fighting, came up again.

This issue was a huge bone of contention with my ex and as Christmas approached, it became even BIGGER! Pretty much the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas we struggled with this issue. And it made the holidays significantly less enjoyable.

And, every year, because we hadn ‘ t dealt with the issue earlier, the monster raised its ugly head again.

I believe that, if we had made an effort to deal with it over the years, instead of just ignoring it, then things might actually have had a chance to be different.

But we didn ‘ t – and things just remained the same.

#3 – Control your own emotions and reactions.

You cannot change someone else nor can you change someone else ‘ s emotional reactions but you can change yours.

I am sure that the toxic encounters you have with your partner bring out many emotions. Anger, contempt, unhappiness and frustration are a few that come to mind. And those emotions can get BIG and make those encounters even worse!

I would encourage you to try, during this holiday season, to control those emotions. To try to not let them make issues even bigger.

If your partner does something that normally triggers you, I would encourage you to pause and take a deep breath before you react. Pause and notice what your emotions are. And, if you can, take a few more deep breaths and try to calm down your nervous system so that you don ‘ t react in a destructive way.

If you can control your emotions, if you can control your reactions to your partner ‘ s behaviors, you might be able to take the toxicity down a notch and that might go a long way towards being able to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Ask family and friends for help.

Many of our family and friends know that we are in toxic relationships and many of them do what they can to support us throughout the year. And yet, for some reason, during the holiday season, things can be different. People get caught up in their own stuff and forget about yours.

I would encourage you to, if your friends or family are in any way contributors to the toxicity in the holiday, ask them for help.

My mother used to help me get through the holidays. How? By accepting the fact that I would not be able to spend a lot of time with her because I had to spend time with my ex ‘ s family. She made an extra special effort to get us all together another time with year, a time of year that wasn ‘ t full of the holiday craziness. Not only did this help her to not be disappointed at Christmas, but it also tempered the conflict between my ex and me and that made Christmas just a little bit more bearable.

Being in a toxic relationship is hard to manage on your own. If you can ask for the support of those who love you, it might help you survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship in a way that might be different from if you were doing it on your own.

#5 – Know that the holidays will end.

So many of us dread this holiday season because of everything that happens. All the present buying, the baking, the pressure to see family etc. will put a tremendous amount of pressure on any relationship. The pressure on a toxic relationship is even more so.

What I always tell people to keep in mind is that ,on January 2, the holiday season will be over. All the pressure that they are struggling with will be over. And with the holidays being over, things can go back to normal.

I know that, if you are in a toxic relationship, normal isn ‘ t necessarily a great thing but normal is probably better than it is during the holiday season. And, when you get to January 2, you will have actually survived another holiday! Well done!

Surviving the holidays while in a toxic relationship can be very difficult to do.

Many of the things that I have suggested are things that YOU can do to get through this crazy time. I know you don ‘ t believe that you should have to make all the compromises to keep your relationship on even ground during the holidays but if you truly want to survive them, making compromises might be the key.

Again, you can not change someone else ‘ s reactions and behaviors, but you can change your own. And that is the key to survival this season – your reactions.

All of this being said, January is the time of year where the high numbers of people file for divorce. Many people think, after the dreadful holiday season, that they just can ‘ t do this one more year. As a result, they walk away. And this just might be an option for you. If you can keep your head down and get through the holiday season, you might be able to make change on the other side.

In the meantime, knowing ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship is an important way to keep yourself together and to enjoy the holidays as best you can.

You can do it!

5 Things a Guy is Thinking if He Won’t Commit But Still Won’t Let You Go

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Do you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go? Are you wondering ‘ ˜what the hell is he thinking? ‘

For many of my clients, they believe that, if their guy won ‘ t commit, it is because he is ‘ ˜confused about his feelings ‘ or ‘ ˜that he loves me but feels conflicted. ‘

I can tell you that, more likely than not, your guy isn ‘ t thinking either one of those things, or anything like those things.

Below you will find 5 things that your guy is really thinking if he won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go. If you can understand what he is thinking about, you might find the strength to let him go and move on.

#1 – ‘ ˜She is great but I want to keep my options open. ‘

I know – at the beginning of the relationship your guy treated you like a queen. He made you feel loved and special and you want that back so much.

So, you might be thinking that your guy is thinking that he wants to get back to that place and that if you just wait long enough and are nice enough to him he will get there.

Nope, that is not what he is thinking. He is thinking that you are great, because you are, but that he knows that you aren ‘ t who he wants to be with. But, he doesn ‘ t want to be alone so he is keeping you around until he can find someone else.

Don ‘ t believe he will ever go back to the beginning – that he will see you as a possibility. If he won’t commit but still won’t let you go, I am afraid that ship has sailed and he is thinking it every day, even right after he has sex with you!

 

#2 – ‘ ˜I know that she is not the girl for me but the sex is great. ‘

This will probably come as no surprise to you but men love sex. LOVE sex and will do just about anything to get it.

So, if you are willing to have sex with him, even if he gives you nothing but breadcrumbs, why would he let you go? If there is sex available to him with no strings attached, why wouldn ‘ t he take it?

Furthermore, people who are in relationships that are volatile usually have great sex. It ‘ s something about the chemicals that are created during conflict that can lead to great sex. So, if you are in a place where you are constantly arguing about his behavior, that might keep the sex really good. And who wants to let go of great sex – especially great sex that can be gotten for free.

#3 – ‘I don ‘ t want her but I don ‘ t want anyone else to have her either.’

If a guy wants a girl he will do anything that he can to keep her.

He will stay in touch, spend time with her, tell her that he cares, do nice things. He will make her feel special and loved.

A guy who doesn ‘ t want to be with a girl, but doesn ‘ t have the guts to tell her, will not do any of those things. He will give her crumbs. He will have sex with her and hang out with her when he feels like it but that is it. And she will be left begging for those crumbs and thinking that they are enough.

Ironically, that guy who doesn ‘ t want a girl often doesn ‘ t want anyone else to have her. Why? Because he has it good – he can keep his eye open for someone else, have sex with her, let her take care of him and all the other good stuff that comes with a relationship – without having to give her anything in return.

So, if your guy is being possessive, don ‘ t think it ‘ s because he loves you. It ‘ s because he likes what he has with you – for the time being.

#4 – ‘I am so bored.’

Does your guy reach out to you late at night? Or on a Sunday afternoon? Do you feel special because you know that he is thinking about you right before bed or at half time during the game? Do you use those moments to prove to yourself that he will come back to you because he still loves you?

Let me tell you, that is not what he is thinking. At bed time he is bored (and maybe horny) and he knows that you are on the other end of the phone, waiting to hear from him. At halftime, he has nothing to do so he drops you a text to keep him busy until the game starts again.

If you only hear from him sporadically, what he is not thinking is that he misses you or wishes you were with him, no matter what he says!

#5 – ‘Did I get my heart rate up enough during my bike ride?’

Be honest, if you are in a situation where you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go, do you spend 99% of your day thinking about it?

Do you journal, talk to your girlfriends, google the topic, obsess about what went wrong? Of course you do. All women do.

Let me tell you that guys just don ‘ t do this. If a guy isn ‘ t interested in a woman, she is gone from his mind until he is bored or horny. He won ‘ t spend a second processing what happened, what went wrong or what ‘ s next. He will live in the moment, thinking about things that are important to him.

I believe that if guys could process what happened in their relationships, instead of focusing on sports or work or whatever else they are involved in, then women wouldn ‘ t have to spend 99% of their time wondering what is going on. Why? Because men would be able to talk about how they are feeling and not leave women hanging, not knowing what has happened.

And, if that happened, women could move on and find someone who can really love them!

I know that you want to believe that if a guy won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go that that he is conflicted and that if you just love him enough he will come back to you.

And I wish it was true but it isn ‘ t.

Again, if a man wants a woman he will move heaven and earth to get her. A guy who is giving you crumbs but doesn ‘ t want a relationship with you will not be constantly thinking about what ‘ s going on. He might give you a passing thought as he goes about his day but that ‘ s it.

I know hearing this is painful but the sooner you can accept it and move on, the more likely you are to find the love you are seeking.

And it is out there, waiting for you! So, get a move on!

Why Grieving the End of Your Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

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Are you reading this because you are wondering why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship and, perhaps, feeling like a loser because of it?

You should be overjoyed right? You just escaped a toxic relationship, after all that time suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself grieving.

I bet it ‘ s super confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I believe that understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a big step towards letting go of the pain and moving on. To that end, below are 5 reasons why you are experiencing grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to cope so that you can move forward and be happy.

#1 – You truly believed things were fixable.

So many of my clients tell me that they won ‘ t walk away from their abusive relationships because they aren ‘ t quitters.

They truly believe that if they just love their person enough, if they stand by their side in spite of abusive behaviors, that their person will change and they will be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of your breakup, and you are grieving because you weren ‘ t able to fix them, or the relationship. You might feel like you have let everyone down. You might even feel like you have abandoned your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you might have tried, your person wasn ‘ t fixable unless they wanted to be fixed. And you are probably grieving this fact – that you couldn ‘ t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you beyond sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. No one can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You didn’t fail. You couldn ‘ t have made any change alone, no matter how hard you tried to do so.

#2 – You blame yourself.

One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire his lover and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy again. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? That he isn’t lying to her but that she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, his gaslighting, she truly questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship was toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person was making your life difficult and, while you might have played a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#3 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, it ‘ s so hard when you are grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you believe that you will never be happy again. Right now, it just seems impossible. But I would also argue that a lot of your grieving comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are still grieving after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed about the break up but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they grieve.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard and that you REALLY don’t feel like doing it but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#4- You believed you were soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you shared with your person islike none other? That the intense passion and connection that you shared can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go is such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship, especially toxic relationships because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

I mean, how cansomeone who hurts you over and over be your soulmate? Really, how can they?

If you can accept that this person who abused you is not your soulmate (even if it felt that way in the beginning) then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.

I did.

#5- You have to let go of dreams for the future.

I have a client who was abused one time too many and made the decision to finally walk away.

For her, she saw her family die in that moment. She saw that the dreams she had of an intact family and grandchildren coming home and growing old with someone had been dashed, maybe forever.

And she believed she might be alone forever, that she would never love, or be loved, again.

One of the reasons you are still experiencing grief is because you are grieving the loss of those dreams for the future and that your new future is scary and murky.

What I can tell you, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship, that leaving this situation is the only way that your dreams for the future will come true. You will find love and happiness again. I promise!

Grieving the end of your toxic relationship is not only totally normal but it could be the best thing that could be happening to you right now.

Why? Because it means that you are moving forward.

Letting go of an abusive relationship comes in stages – much like death. Right now, you are grieving. And grieving is one of the 7 steps of getting past loss. The other are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, and acceptance/hope. I am betting that you are through some of those as well.

But I promise you that this grieving the end of your toxic relationship will pass. You will come to accept that the past is the past and look towards the future, a future filled with happiness and love.

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