7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

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7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

All relationships have a balance of control to some degree – the parent/child, the teacher/student, the boss/employee, etc. In those relationships, there is one primary and one secondary member of the relationship, as dictated by the situation. In a marriage, there is also a power dynamic at play and, ideally, that dynamic includes a balance of control that is even.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Of course, sometimes the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, like the mom is in charge of getting the little league uniforms but the dad is in charge of getting the kids to practice. And this is okay. What is not okay is when the power dynamic is off to the extent that one person is always in charge, with the other always being secondary.

Sadly, when we are in the middle of the chaos of a marriage, it can sometimes be hard to recognize if the power dynamic is off.

Let me share with you now the signs that the power dynamic in your marriage might be off so that you can figure out the next steps to take.

#1 – You let your partner make all the decisions.

This is the most common thing that shifts the power dynamic in a marriage – having one person be in charge of everything.

In some cases, the person with the control is the wife/mother. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to keep all of the balls in the air – school, work, sports, extended family, etc. Usually, the woman takes responsibility for planning and executing just because multi-tasking is a skill that many women have. So they take over and everything that happens is their call.

In some cases, its the man husband/father who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A woman might be accustomed to having a man in charge if that is the model she had growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In some cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband.

Whether its the husband or wife, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off.

#2 – You keep your head down to avoid drama.

Are you one of those people who never speaks up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have thoughts or opinions but not share them because you are afraid that you will be on the receiving end of some kind of negative reaction if you do? Would you rather just go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?

If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people, particularly men, in marriages just want to keep the peace and they swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is long and hard and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When they do, the idea of having to deal with them again can be just too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut and grin and bear it

And, while I can understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up for yourself out of fear of some kind of reprisal, big or small, is not, in the long run healthy.

Over time, not speaking up for yourself in your relationship will only cause resentment on your part and, perhaps, a sense of contempt from your spouse. You can be sure that, if you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and, over time, they might see this as a sign of weakness – something that can hard to respect in a marriage.

So, while I know that you want to avoid drama, I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, in spite of whatever the end result might be. For the sake of your own self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.

#3 – You spend more time with their extended family than yours.

This is always an interesting one – that people spend more time with one extended family than they do the other.

Of course, this could be a convenience thing. Perhaps your family lives closer or the kids are the same age or your schedules align. And that makes sense. But, what if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason that you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours.

In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists that more time is spent with their extended family than the other. I know that when I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than with my dad’s. I am guessing part of that was because my dad wasn’t really attached to seeing his family but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted that we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent my my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way more than my dad’s.

I know now that, in order to keep the peace (see #2) my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control in this instance. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.

#4 – You only have sex with them because they want to.

This is a big one that happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off – one spouse only has sex with the other not because they want to but because they know that their spouse does.

I have seen this from both sides of the equation. Women who have little or no interest in having sex and yet who have sex with their husbands every week because they know that their husband expects it. Its easier to do so then to deal with any crabbiness or whatever that might arise.

It can happen with husbands too – they just don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. The man, because his wife brings it up all the time, ultimately gives in to make her happy but doesn’t do it because he is interested.

In both of these cases, when married couples have sex for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is definitely off and this is something that should be addressed.

power dynamic is off in your marriage

#5 – Your kids only listen to you.

I know that when I was married, I was the one my kids always came to when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie or a ride to town or help on homework or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on to react in a way that was a positive – to mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss. They did go to their father but, because he was often absent and sometimes crabby, they tended to bypass him.

And I was fine with this. If they came to me I could be in control of the outcome and knew that the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.

And, while this worked for us for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides.

For me, I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to – it was exhausting. And my husband resented that I was their first choice – which, sadly, led to the kids going to him even less. This mutual resentment built up over time until it was huge factor in the end of our marriage.

#6 – You have to hide things from your spouse.

I just rewatched “Crazy Rich Asians” (fun movie if you haven’t seen it). In the movie, the wife has family money and she is used to nice things. Because she wants those nice things, things that her husband can not afford, she has to hide the things that she buys because she knows that he would be resentful of her and the fact that she has to do so. Ultimately, he cheated on her to make himself feel more like a man and she left.

Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether its hiding spending or activities or friendships from your partner, hiding anything indicates that there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouse would feel safe sharing everything. They would know that their partner would understand their actions and that, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.

If a spouse has any kind of fear that their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so that they have to hide it, this is an indication that the balance of power is off, something that will only lead to a lack of trust and accountability in the long run.

#7 – You have to account for every little thing.

If you are in a marriage where you have to account for every little things that you do, your power dynamic is definitely off.

Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time. Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with. Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend. Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight. Anything and everything.

And this is not okay. Of course, everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share in their lives and want to be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.

BUT – if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not okay. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved. Perhaps its because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another. Perhaps its because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason. Or perhaps its because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.

For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is a power dynamic that is uneven and something that needs to be addressed.

It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.

Power dynamics can change very slowly, over the course of a marriage, so slowly that one (or both) spouses don’t even realize that it is happening. All that they know is that they aren’t happy but they aren’t clear on the reason.

For any relationship to be a happy one there must, more often than not, be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure that the love, trust and respect that is important in every relationship stays intact and the marriage remains healthy.

So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps, to figure out how to fix it before its too late!

You can do it!

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

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9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

When women enter into affairs with married men, they go in being overwhelmed with lust and love and believing that they have finally found their soul mate. Being with this man, even though he is married, is worth any risk.

And I get it. I have been there. But, let me tell you, as the affair drags on, that lust and love will fall to the wayside and other emotions will take over. And these emotions are not good.

Perhaps understanding the consequences of dating a married man before you start doing so will help you not enter into the affair in the first place and save you a whole lot of heartache.

To that end, here are 9 consequences of dating a married man for you to consider before you take next steps.

#1 – You will get addicted to the relationship and be unable to let go.

So many of my clients tell me that when they started their affair with a married man, they were determined to only get intimate once. They had fallen in love with their person over a period of time and with that love came attraction. They felt like feeling their emotions was ok but that having sex would be over the line. So, as the attraction built, they told themselves that they could get some release if they just had sex one time.

Yeah, right. I am afraid that it doesn’t work that way.

On the most basic level, when a woman has sex with someone she, more often than not, becomes more attached to that person. It doesn’t work this way for men but for women it does. So, when my clients have sex with their married man, they got more attached, not less.

And, as the relationship goes on, they could only focus on getting both that love and the affection. It became like an addiction. The feel-good chemical, dopamine, that was released every time they were together was something that they felt like they couldn’t live without. They developed a physical need to be with their person, no matter the consequences, all the time. When they didn’t get them, they sunk into a depression until the next time.

If you found yourself addicted to a drug or alcohol, it would be clear to see and perhaps you could get help. With a relationship with a married man, the addiction is harder to spot and therefore more insidious.

#2 – You will lose touch with who you are as a person.

When I was having an affair with a married man, I totally lost myself.

Before I started up with him, I was a woman in a great place in my life. I had recently moved to NYC, my coaching business was ramping up and I felt really strong and healthy. And then, the man who I had been in unrequited love with in college appeared on my doorstep and that was that for me. I put myself to the side and embarked on what promised to be the love affair of all love affairs.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

As the affair continued, I started to lose sight of everything that was good about me. I was no longer the single girl living my best life in NYC and I was now the pathetic other woman who waited around for a man to give her some time.

After a year of this, I found that I had become a shell of the person who I was when I fell in love with my married man. That person who had felt so good about her place in the world was gone.

dating a married man

#3 – You will put your own life on hold.

One of the worst part of being involved with a married man is that your time no longer becomes your own. Because your married man has a wife and a family and a whole other life, they will not be available to you at regular intervals. As a result, you will spend a ton of time alone, waiting for your man to become available. Time that you would have spent out there living your life will be spent waiting by the phone for your man to call.

Furthermore, the longer that you are involved with a married man, the less likely it will be that you can find someone else to love you, someone who is available and ready to build a relationship with you. Many women who are having affairs with married men try to date on the side, trying to get away from their married man. Let me tell you – it never works! As long as your energy is focused on your married man, you will never meet someone else.

Life is short. Wasting even a minute of it on someone who can’t give you the best life and who can’t make you a priority will only hold you back from living yours.

#4 – You could damage your relationship with your friends.

For many of my clients, when they are having a relationship with a married man they sometimes lose their friendships.

This happens for many reasons. They lose them because their friends don’t approve of what the affair or, worse, because the friends know that something is being kept from them if they aren’t told about what is going on. Or, they have to spend a ton of time processing the affair, giving out advice that is ignored. Or, they no longer get time with their friends because they are waiting around for their lover to have time for them.

Losing friends because of an affair is bad for many reasons. You are letting go of people you were with you when you weren’t with this guy, that person your friends loved. Not having friends who will spend time with you will only isolate you further. And, when you finally decide to let go of your married man (which you hopefully will), you will have no friends to help you get through it.

Take a look around at your friends – are they worth sacrificing for some guy?

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

Imagine spending the next period of time not being your man’s priority. Being the person who gets left alone on Christmases and your birthday. Who can’t travel because you want to be available for your lover. Who knows that there are many reasons why he won’t be there when you need him.

And, imagine being on the receiving end of promises that your man will leave his wife. Or that you are the love of his life and that he could never love his wife again. Or that he will be there when you need him. Being repeatedly made promises to that are broken.

If you are in a relationship where you are lied to and let down, its hard for it not to wreck your self esteem. After all, you are repeatedly treated like you aren’t a priority, like you are second choice to a man who loves you.

And, the more your self esteem gets damaged, the less likely you are to see that you deserve more than a half-assed relationship with a guy who truly isn’t available.

#6 – Your will no longer be able to trust any man.

One of the worst parts of being involved with a married man is the lies. The lies that he will be there when you need him; that he will leave his wife; that you will live happily ever after.

Now, I truly believe that many married men believe their promises, that they really will be able to put their lover first and leave their wives, but they NEVER do. I don’t know a single married man who has left his wife and lived happily ever after with his lover.

For a woman, being lied to over and over by someone who says they love them will ultimately scar them enough that the idea of ever trusting another man will be untenable. After all, if your lover can do this over and over, why can’t any other man?

#7 – You will become obsessed with him and the situation.

As I have said above, when you are in a relationship with a married man, you will lose yourself. Your self-esteem will be damaged. You might even lose your friends. And the primary reason for this is because you will become obsessed with the relationship and the idea that he won’t leave his wife.

Without exception, my clients who are having affairs with married men spend every minute of their day thinking about him and the situation. They think about when they will see them. What they will wear when they do. They wonder if their married man will have to change his plans. What if he can’t stay as long as he said he would?

Furthermore, my clients wonder why their married man won’t follow through on his promises – to leave his wife and to be with them. They think about it constantly and a significant part of the time they spend with their person is spent discussing just this topic – why he won’t leave.

My clients try to talk their partner into the reasons they should leave. They ask for details of every minute that their partner spend with their wives. They cry and scream and promise to leave, all in the vain attempt to settle the situation and ease their pain.

And, unfortunately, the obsession will never stop because your married man will never leave his wife, no matter what he promises. Leaving his wife means leaving his family and damaging his finances and that he will never do!

#8 – You will vitality will be sapped.

Think about how you take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. When you are depressed or angry or frustrated or whatever. Ideally, when you are feeling that way, you get outside and exercise, to work off your feelings.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that women don’t take care of themselves when they are feeling some way. They take to the couch with ice cream or they stay up all night watching “Love is Blind.” They stop sleeping and stop eating well and their mental and physical health slowly falls apart.

When someone is feeling unhealthy and not good about themselves, it is impossible to make a good decision about anything.  Having low self esteem and having difficulty thinking clearly only leads someone to continue to make bad decisions or to not make any decisions at all. As a result, they stay stuck in a situation, namely their affair, that is killing them.

#9 – You will not live happily ever after.

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking that none of the things above will apply to you and your lover. After all, your love is one for the ages and nothing is going to get in the way of the two of you being together. Your man worships you and will take the steps that he needs to take to keep his promises and make you happy.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way – and not because he doesn’t love you and you don’t have a good connection.

It happens because your lover is weak and just won’t be able to leave his wife and his family.

As I said above, a man might want to leave his wife because he is unhappy with her but he doesn’t want to leave his children. He doesn’t want to risk a healthy relationship with his kids. He doesn’t want to mess up the finances he has spent his adult life building. He doesn’t want to have to abandon the social life that he and his wife have created together.

And so, in spite of his promises and good intentions, your married man just won’t leave. I am sorry but it is true.

So there you go, 9 surprising consequences that will happen if you are dating a married man.

Again, most of my clients don’t believe when I share with them what I have learned over the years from working with hundreds of clients in the same situation. They truly believe that their relationship is different and that it will work out.

But, sooner than later, they see that I am correct. That they are miserable and that, even though they might hold out hope, their affair is not going to end the way that they hoped it would.

Again, your lover might love you – and I am sure he does – but being in affair will ensure that you no longer love yourself. This, I am afraid, will cause more destruction then you ever could image right now as you read this article, madly in love, thinking about having an affair.

9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

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9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

Marriage is long and hard and, for many men, it is very different than what they thought it would be.

When we get married, we are feeling madly in love with our person and sure that we will live happily ever after. We feel seen, heard, respected and loved. And then marriage happens. Time goes on and people start taking each other for granted. Kids come along and they make being a couple more complicated. A thousand little cuts make the relationship seem like it is on shaky ground.

While both members of a marriage can feel disheartened by what has happened, men are particularly vulnerable. Women have friends to process things with. Men not so much. So its important that wives are aware of what their men need.

Here are 7 things that a husband needs in a marriage so that you can consider what you are giving your husband and what might be missing.

#1 – He needs to feel like you respect him.

First and foremost, your husband, and any person in the world, needs to feel respected.

Perhaps you are thinking “of course I respect him” but think about it. Do you really? And if you do, do you show him that you do?

I know that when I was married, I did not have a lot of respect for my ex-husband. Oh, I did in the beginning, but as time went on, that respect faded. The reasons why will surprise you.

Over the years my husband wasn’t great at doing what he said he was going to do. When he did do something, I gave him a hard time for doing it wrong (read: my way). I wasn’t, at times, happy with his parenting style. There were so many little things that just got on my nerves.

As a result, I lost respect for him. Even worse, I let him know that I had lost respect for him by treating him with contempt. I was passive aggressive and condescending and never made him feel welcomed.

It was not good for him, that I know.

I always encourage my clients to work hard to keep up the respect for their husbands. The key to that is clearly communicating what they need, putting issues to bed that arise and recognizing that we are all human beings just doing our best!

You can do it too!

#2 – He wants you to desire him.

This is an interesting one.

All women know that men want sex. They want sex as often as they can get it and can get grumpy when they don’t. What my male clients tell me that surprised me was that not only do they want sex but they want to be desired by their wives.

They want their wives to actively want to have sex with them. They want them to initiate it and enjoy it. They want need to know that their wives don’t treat having sex as another type of chore.

And this desire doesn’t just include sex. Men want to be touched. They want their wife to want to hold their hand, to give them a hug, to rest their head on their shoulders when they are watching TV. Any kind of physical touch is important to most men. And, unfortunately, as marriages get longer and more complicated, women can stop feeling the desire to touch their men or simply just forget to do so.

So, be aware of how often you touch your husband. Little touches throughout the day can go a long way towards making him feel loved and, maybe, even make you desire him more!

#3 – He needs to feel like he makes a difference in your life.

I always used to tell my ex-husband that he was rendering himself obsolete.

He wasn’t giving me the things that I needed. He couldn’t do things the way that I wanted him to. He couldn’t show up when I needed him. I didn’t trust him to always be honest with me. As a result, I put him on the sidelines. I embraced my friends as the people whom I needed in my life and relied on them and myself to get things done.

And this devastated my husband. I know that it did.

Yes, my husband wasn’t always as reliable as I would have liked him to be but when he was around he truly wanted to make a difference in my life. Whether it was doing chores or spending time with me or bringing me small gifts, he did things for me, things that he truly hoped that would make me happy. He knew that my life was difficult and he hoped that he could make a difference, in a positive way.

Unfortunately, by being passive aggressive and contemptuous, I definitely didn’t make my husband feel like he made a positive difference in my life. Instead, I made him feel like he was always in the way and that I would truly be better off without him around.

Eventually, he got the hint and he left.

#4 – He wants to make you laugh.

One of things that I hear most often from my male clients is that they wish that they could make their wives laugh. After all, when they were first together, he could make her laugh all the time. Not so much anymore and it makes him sad.

So let me ask you – do you find your husband funny but you don’t laugh the way you used to because you are usually distracted by something else? Or perhaps you smile but then move on? Or do you find your husband’s sense of humor incredibly frustrating, something not funny at all?

Either way, I am guessing that you aren’t laughing with your husband as much as you did when you were first together. If you still find him funny, then you are just used to his sense of humor and don’t react as vocally. If he drives you nuts, know that its often the thing that made you fall in love with someone (like how funny they are) is the thing that can ultimately drive you apart.

If you find your husband funny, let him know by laughing. Don’t fake it but make sure that if you find him amusing he knows it.

#5 – He wants you to watch the football game with him.

So your husband probably doesn’t actively want you to watch the football game with him but what he does want is for you to share in some of his interests.

I know that when we first met, I loved to help my husband work on his car. I was the person who gave him the tools he needed and whose small hands could fit into places his didn’t. I amused him with my observations. I would give him a kiss when he emerged from underneath the car.

Now that we are on year eight together, I don’t help my husband when he works on his car. I let him go out to the garage and I continue doing whatever I am doing. And while he hasn’t said anything, I am guessing that if I showed up in the garage to hang out and hold tools he would not be unhappy.

Are you involved with the things that your husband takes an interest in? Even if its just sitting on the couch a few hours a week to watch whatever sport is in season, having some interest in what he is passionate about is something that a husband really needs in a marriage!

Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage

 

#6 – He needs you to make him feel like a man.

I know, I know. In this day and age, why is it a woman’s job to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t that on him? Well let me ask you this – I am guessing that you do feel like a woman for most part but does the attention of your husband make you feel like more of one? And does it feel pretty good?

It is the same with a man. Men want to fee like men. They want to feel like they are needed because they are strong or tall. They want you to appreciate the results of the workouts they are so committed to. They want you to want them to take care of you. They want to feel like they are the focus of your attention, at least some of the time.

Again, I know that women feel like men can be babies and need to be flattered so that they can feel more manly but truly, if you can make him feel more like a man, at least some days, you would be absolutely making his day!

#7 – He needs to be given some benefit of the doubt.

Ok – I am definitely not telling you that you must put up with any lying or deception in your marriage. Absolutely not. What I am asking you to do is to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. To not immediately assume that he is trying to put something over on you when needs be.

After years of marriage’s let downs, it can sometimes be difficult to trust your person 100%. Therefore, when something is awry it’s hard not to go to that worst place.

For example, if your husband is late home from work again and he shows up with some seemingly lame excuse, try not to jump down his throat. What probably happened is that he lost track of time or got held back by a co-worker. What probably didn’t happen is him having dinner with another woman or looking at porn or whatever horrid thing that you could make up in your head.

Men are the kings of white lies. They lie to protect their women. They lie to keep themselves out of trouble. They lie by omission to not upset the apple cart. But, more often than not, your husband won’t maliciously lie to you – to try to pull one over on you in a harmful way.

So, I would encourage you to give the man who you are married to the benefit of the doubt, if warranted. Unless your gut instinct is that his lie is a big one, let those little fibs go. They aren’t worth the hassle.

#8 – He wants you to not take things personally.

This is a big one for everyone but particularly with women – we tend to take things that aren’t personal personally.

I have a client whose husband was supposed to stop on the way home from the office and check out some doors that they were going to install in their renovated house. He was distracted and he just forgot (which, of course, was unfortunate).

How did she react? “If you loved me, you would have remembered to stop at the store.”

The reality is is that her husband loves her very much; he just flaked this time around. He did not not look at doors because he doesn’t love her or because he wanted to upset her. He did it because he plain forgot.

So try not to see your husbands actions as a reflection of how much he loves you. That will only cause both of you more pain than necessary.

#9 – He needs you to understand that he can’t always give you what you need.

Modern perspectives on marriage often include the belief that spouses should give their partners everything that they need. They should be best friends and soulmates and be able to anticipate each other’s every desire.

Unfortunately, no one can be everything to any one person.

That being said, we all have women friends who come pretty close to giving us what we need. They are there for us when we need them. They never let us down. They are willing to listen and be empathetic. They anticipate our needs. All of these things that make us feel loved and respected.

Unfortunately, men aren’t so good at doing most of the things that your girlfriend can do for you. Of course, they want to be there when we need them and to never let us down but they aren’t always good at that. (And, to be fair, we probably have higher expectations of our husbands than we do of our girlfriends)

What they really aren’t great at doing is listening and being empathetic. Men like to fix – that is what they will do when faced with your emotions. And, unfortunately, they can really struggle with anticipating our needs. If they were in charge of the world, a woman would tell a man what she needs in the moment so that he can give it to her. Anticipating what she needs is harder for them.

Another thing that women do is they say “if it was me, I would do…” when it comes to their husband’s behaviors. To that I respond – “is your husband you?” The answer, of course, is no. No one is going to do things exactly how you would do them. No one. While your husband wants to make you happy, he most likely will do whatever needs to be done his way. And, just because you always call on the way home from work to see if he needs anything, that he doesn’t do it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he does things differently.

So, there you go – 9 things that your husband needs in marriage that might surprise you.

I am sure that many people will write me and tell me that I am silly, that women shouldn’t have to pander to their husbands to keep them happy. But these things are not pandering. These things are probably things that you did in the beginning of your marriage that have fallen to the wayside.

I am just here to remind you. So that you can work to keep your marriage strong.

7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

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7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear that she isn’t the right one for them but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up.

While every relationship is different, they all carry some common denominators that apply to all of them – including it being hard to break up with someone, even if you know they aren’t the one for you.

Let me share why breaking up with someone is hard with you right now. Understanding the reasons why might clarify things for you so that you can take the next step.

#1 – You don’t want to cause her pain.

There isn’t a man in the world who isn’t concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause their woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only make things worse.

Be honest. Do you know that you should break up with your girlfriend but you don’t want to hurt her so, instead, you are pulling back a little bit. Are you not focusing the time and energy on her that you used to? Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant? Are you, perhaps, hoping that she will be the one who ultimately break up with you?  You are not alone. A LOT of men do this.

Let me tell you – doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, instead you are pulling it off gradually, dragging out the pain and making her suffer more. Ironic, no?

The reality is is that if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But the reality is is that she will get over it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who really loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.

#2 – The good times were really good times.

Even though are you are in a place where you want to break up with your girlfriend, I am sure that you and she have shared wonderful times together. And those things are hard to let go of.

I am guessing that you are thinking about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new and you shared so much of yourself. Or maybe you are remembering a vacation you took or that silly thing that she did that made everyone laugh at your birthday party. Perhaps you went through a difficult period of time and she was there for you, standing by your side. Perhaps you shared big hopes for the future that you don’t want to let go of.

And I get it – experiences are intense things that can really bind people to each other.

But, the reality is is that, while these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. And, even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship – namely that you don’t love her anymore.

So, while you have had some very special times with this person, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so that she can have new experiences with someone who really loves her.

#3 – You don’t want to have to start dating again… nor do you want her to.

So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person for them because they just don’t want to get back out there into the dating world. After all, the dating world is not always fun and its exhausting and the thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear.

Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy that you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy that you will have to spend building a new relationship.

And I get it. Its hard to throw away time invested in someone but the time that you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and its done. That time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone and know that any more time that you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.

And – I am guessing – that you probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing. You especially don’t want her to have sex with someone else.

Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with you.

#4 – You love that she takes care of you.

One of my male clients knows that it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her but she isn’t the one for him.

What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.

One thing about us women, we love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault. And many men really, really appreciate being taken care of.

I know that with my boyfriend, I do the laundry, I cook us dinner, I keep the house tidy, I plan our social life etc etc. I am not saying that I am his slave and that he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does do some of those things sometimes but, in general, its on me. And thats ok. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).

And, I am guessing that if it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself again. Probably not a very attractive proposition, I am guessing.

Are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she take such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again!

#5 – You like easy access to sex (be honest!).

You might be rolling your eyes at this one but I am guessing that, deep down, you know that what I am saying here is the truth – having a girlfriend means that you have easy access to sex. And that is something that its not easy to let go of.

Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing that you enjoy having sex with her. And that the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to fool around with you is not appealing.

For men, sex is very important and its not always as easy to get as they might like. A woman can walk out of her house and approach any man and most likely get him to have sex with her but men have to work a little bit harder. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.

Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the sex? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go. You will have sex again, maybe even sooner than you think. I promise.

#6 – You are worried about messing up your social life.

One of my male client was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.

My client is worried that it might be “weird.” He is worried that there will be drama and that people will have to take sides in the break up. He is worried that one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his posse of friends. He likes things the way that they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something that he wants to do.

And I totally get that. Our social lives are very important to us and a key part of living a great life. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.

Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.

hard to break up with your girlfriend

#7 – Your friends and family do love her.

This is a really tough one – if your friends and family love her, even if you aren’t feeling it.

I am guessing that if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. That she is a wonderful person and that you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up. And I am guessing that that is messing with your head.

On the other hand, perhaps her friends and family loves you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down.The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea. Your mom will be sad about your break up but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.

#8 – You just don’t want to deal with the drama.

Be honest – are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?

Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?

Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?

If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one then have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.

Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything that you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass.  Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.

#9 – Your lives are entangled.

The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer that couples are together the more their lives become entangled.

Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?

Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread? Does the idea of having to find a new place or deal with custody of kids or dogs or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?

Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.

But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated and more difficult to leave and before you know it you could be permanently stuck.

Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!

So there you go – 9 Reasons tt is so hard to break up with your girlfriend, even if you don’t love her.

I know that the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and its time to move on.

So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!

7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

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7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

One thing is for sure – the availability of great men to date seems to be somewhat limited. As a result, women are often open to dating a married man who is separated. After all, his marriage is over – why not?

Well, let me tell you – dating a man who is not yet divorced is a REALLY bad idea. Yes, he might seem available but he really isn’t.

I know – you don’t want to hear this but good for you for opening this article and reading it. You will be glad that you did!

#1 – He might think that he is ready to date but he isn’t.

I know that, when my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. I felt abandoned and not worthy. I was lonely and believed that no one would ever love me again. Within months, I was on a dating site. On the first date I met a wonderful man and we, in spite of his reservations that I wasn’t yet divorced, started dating. It was amazing at first – and then it was a disaster.

I truly felt like I was ready to date but I wasn’t. I was fresh out of a 20 year marriage. I was struggling with the pain of abandonment. I hadn’t yet processed what had happened in my marriage. I was desperate to be in a new relationship so that I wouldn’t feel lonely.

All of these things affected our relationship in a big way.

Whenever I had contact with my soon to be ex, it upset me. I was clingy with my new guy, desperate to not lose him. I tried to involve him in the details of my divorce, something that he wasn’t interested in doing as he had already been through divorce himself.

Slowly, the relationship died away and I was left lonely and abandoned again. I truly believe that, if we had met after my divorce, this man and I might still be together.

I am sure that your married man is telling you that he is ready – and I am sure that he believes that he is. But he isn’t. Stay away.

#2 – He still has one foot in the door of the marital household – if he is even out at all.

A client of mine got involved with a married man who had separated from his wife. They had four kids under the age of 14. The man and his wife knew that managing those kids on their own and sending them back and forth between households would be difficult so he stayed in the house – albeit in the guest room.

At first my client dealt with this – she had dated a series of douchebags and this guy was great. What she soon learned, however, was that he was still so connected to his life, his kids and the running of his household that he had no physical or emotional space to give her.

More often than not, dates would be cancelled as “something came up.” They couldn’t travel because he needed to be available to his wife and his kids. His wife wasn’t thrilled that he was dating and was not kind about it, which was stressful. Overall, my client had no place in her boyfriend’s life and that only caused her to be resentful.

My client finally found the strength to walk away from this guy, even though he was great. The anger and resentment that she was feeling wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship and she didn’t want to waste her time.

#3 – He is probably still struggling with the divorce.

While your married man who is separated might not believe this, he is probably still struggling with the fact that he is getting divorced, even if he is the one who instigated it.

When people get married, they make vows in front of their family and friends, vows that they will be committed to each other for life. As a result, the marriage ends in divorce, for both parties the feelings are complicated.

Men, especially, can feel at odds with their actions. After all, they did commit to taking care of their wives and have, most likely, done so, at least to some extent. Many men are the major breadwinners and they want to make sure that their wives are taken care of. They are struggling with the fact that they might not see their kids everyday. They might be getting shit from their parents or in-laws, which only feeds their complicated feelings.

When someone’s head and heart are not clear going into a relationship, there is very little room for a healthy love to grow. As a result, the new person gets the short end of the stick when it comes to attention and that can kill a relationship almost before it starts.

 

married man who is separated

#4 – His kids are probably still struggling with the divorce.

When husbands and wives who have kids decide to divorce, things are often very clear for them. They know that their marriage is over and have decided that its time to take steps. For the kids, its no so black and white.

While some kids shrug their shoulders and seem to be non-plussed by a divorce, for many kids the divorce is a major blow to their lives. The life that they have always known is over and the future is uncertain. When one of their parents starts dating, things can really take a turn for the worse.

One of my clients was dating a married man who was separated. His 16 year old daughter was angry that her father had moved on so quickly after her parents’ separation. When my client came along that pushed her over the edge.

The anger that his daughter felt towards her father got redirected towards my client. She believed that my client was the cause of the divorce. She believed that her mother was being wronged. She believed that my client was a horrible person who had no place in her life. As a result, she refused to meet her and badmouthed her continuously to her father.

The result of this was two fold. First, my client was devastated that she was on the receiving end of so much vitriol. She felt like she was a good person who had fallen for a man, not some conniving women who was trying to steal a father away from his daughter. The situation led to a fair amount of resentment on her part.

And, as his daughter became more and more vocal about her dislike of my client, her married man became resentful of her as well. After all, his daughter was the light of his life and if she didn’t like his girlfriend, he didn’t want to upset her. He started to put her first above my client and do whatever he could to keep his daughter happy. Again, my client became resentful of this and soon walked away, even though she really like her guy.

#5 – He might just be using you for emotional support – or sex.

Again, your married man who is not yet divorced most likely truly believes that he is ready to date but, as I said, he is not. So, while he is attached to you, it is very like that he is attached to you for the emotional support that you give him and the amazing not-married sex.

I am not saying that your married man is using you maliciously. He most likely fell into your relationship and, as it grew, he became more and more attached to the emotional support that you gave him. After all, his life is complicated and perhaps many people are angry with him. To have you there, telling him that he is wonderful and listening to his tales of woe is very comforting.

And – you are having sex with him. Your married man has most likely been fairly sex-free for a past period of time as his marriage died. Now, here he is, with a woman who truly longs for him and who is willing to have sex a lot!

What kind of man would walk away from either of those things? You are making this difficult time in his life easier. While this is wonderful for him, what is in it for you?

#6 – Divorces are messy.

If you are single and have never been through a divorce let me tell you something – divorces are messy. Very messy.

Most likely your boyfriend and his wife are going to have to go through the process of dividing their assets – who gets the house, the cars, the furniture, the jewelry. While he says that he doesn’t want anything, he will. They are going to have to figure out how to sustain two households with the same income with which they managed one. They are going to have to figure out any custody arrangements for their kids and who is going to spend holidays where.

And they are going to have to do all of this with lawyers and mediators involved, and have it all approved by a judge, something that can be scary and anxiety inducing, particularly if they haven’t done it before.

And where, I ask you, do you fit into this situation? Are you willing to be his sounding board, someone who advises him on what the best thing is to be done? To be the one would listens while he rails on about his greedy ex-wife? Who has to deal with the distraction and time spent away dealing with it all?

That doesn’t sound very fun, does it?

#7 – Starting a relationship with stress and drama does not lead to happily ever after.

Relationships are supposed to start out in a good way. People meet, they feel the connection, they share their stories and stay up all night sharing their hopes and dreams. The have tons of sex, do lots of fun activities and are riding a high that they believe they will never come down from. In a healthy relationship, these highs settle down to a comfortable happiness that moves the relationship forward.

If you are involved with a married man who is not yet separated, you will have very little of this initial happiness. Yes, you might have moments of new relationship bliss but those moments will be interspersed with the things I detailed above. You might feel the stress of his financial worries, have to deal with a resentful child, get frustrated at being fourth on the list of his priorities. You might find you and your beau disagreeing with his choices and fighting about what is next.

Let me ask you – which of these relationship beginnings will lead to a healthy relationship? The one that starts with happiness and hope or one that starts with anger and frustration?

Don’t waste your time, hoping that, once his divorce is done, you will live happily ever after. The chances, I am afraid, are minimal.

I wish I could say that dating a married man who is separated is something that could lead to your happily ever after.

After all, that’s what we all want – happily ever after.

I am sorry to say that, no matter how great he is, your still married man is going to disappoint you. He won’t want to, and might even tell you that he won’t, but he will. And, when your relationship ends, you will be left alone, needing to start over on your journey to find love.

So, find the strength to not choose married men who are not yet divorced, and walk away if you have already started dating one! You will be happy you did!

7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

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7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but not really sure. I get it! So many of my clients come to me, wondering if their marriage is a toxic one.

When we are struggling in a toxic marriage, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. A therapist of mine once likened being in a bad relationship to being caught underwater in a moving river – the water bubbling all around your head, disorienting you, making it hard think clearly.

Well, that is what life coaches (specifically me!) are here for – to help their clients understand the realities of their marriage so that they can be empowered to decide on their next course of action.

So that end – let me share with you the psychological facts about toxic marriages that nearly everyone misses, so that you can figure out your next steps.

#1 – Your spouse is not your “soul mate.”

So many of my clients tell me that their spouse is their “soul mate.” That they have never loved or been loved the way that they do and are with their husband or wife. And I get it. But that idea is, I am afraid, just a tad delusional.

Let me ask you this – if you are in a marriage that is toxic, perhaps being emotionally or physically abused by a partner, how can that person be your “soul mate?” How can someone who is your “soul mate” be someone who is willing to cause you so much pain?.

More likely, instead of being your “soul mate,” you and/or your spouse are most likely trauma bonded. No matter the length of your marriage, your primary relationship has been a toxic one. One that involves anger and sadness and mistreatment and contempt and name calling and swearing and abuse. When that is how one, or both, members of a marriage live every day, those kind of toxic emotions become normalized. In fact, when those kind of strong emotions, even if they are negative, aren’t present, it can feel really uncomfortable. Hence – the trauma bonding. You believe that, in order to feel, you must be with THIS person, even if they make you feel bad!

7 psychological facts about toxic marriages

#2 – Great sex does not mean a great marriage.

I can’t tell you how often I hear this one from clients – that they have amazing sex so their marriage must still be good, right? Well, wrong.

One of the reasons that a sex life can quiet down during a marriage is because of the familiar – that as a relationship normalizes and the initial chemical surges calm down, that drive for sex can be reduced as well. This is not a bad thing – its just they way the chemical reactions in our body work.

When you are in a toxic marriage, those intense emotions have not calmed down. They have, in fact, become heightened over this time, in a negative way. Couples in toxic marriages are more often than not struggling with these strong emotions. Whether it be sadness or anger or contempt or frustration, these kind of heightened emotions can lead to a increased desire for sexual release. As a result, couples who live in this state of conflict more likely than not have more sex then people in calmer marriages.

A great example of this is break up sex, a way more common thing than one might think (and something that I have indulged in more than once – with different boyfriends!). The desire to break up with someone is usually connected in some way to intense emotions of some kind. As a result, we want to have sex, even though we are breaking up. Now, think about a toxic marriage. Pretty much all of the sex in a toxic marriage is break up sex – soon followed, most likely, by make up sex.

Both of which are quite exciting – and very addictive.

#3 – It’s not all your fault.

If there is one thing that all of my clients who are struggling in toxic marriages have in common is that they believe that it is all their fault.

They believe that if they could just be nicer or wear more makeup or be more patient or have more sex or don’t ask for much their relationship could be fixed. And they really believe this. Before they find me, many of my clients have tried one or more of the above in an attempt to fix their marriage.

Well, let me tell you, from personal experience, that your toxic relationship will not be fixed by you not being who you are. Yes, of course, you can change toxic behaviors that you might bring into a relationship but that won’t fix your marriage. Why? Because your toxic marriage is not all your fault!

In every marriage, there are two people and in every marriage there are two people involved in making it good or bad. Perhaps you aren’t as nice to your husband as you might be but I am guessing that you didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be a bitch. I am guessing that, over time, something has happened in your marriage that led to that behavior. In a healthy marriage, you being a bitch, and what your spouse is doing to cause your to react that way, are both addressed to settle an issue. In a toxic marriage, if one person is willing to take all the blame for its problems, the other person will be happy to give them away.

So, know that fixing yourself isn’t going to fix your relationship. What is happening is not all your fault. I know that it might feel that way – and that perhaps you are even being told that it is that way – but its not!

#4 – You are not kidding anyone, particularly your kids.

I have a client who has four grown children. All of them are embarking on adult relationships of their own and all of them are struggling. We have been working together to try to help her support them. As we have gotten to know each other, I have learned that my client has a husband who is very abusive. Her kids grew up in a home where their father was always angry and their mother was always trying to hide this anger from the kids. She truly thought that she had done a good job doing so..

The reality is is that she wasn’t kidding anyone. While she tried her hardest, her kids were still exposed, over the many years of their childhood, to the toxic behaviors of their father (and to some extent her toxic behaviors because their mother put up with it). As a result, they are now struggling in their own relationship with the girls finding men who don’t treat them well and the boys exhibiting frustration through anger.

This happens all the time – that people believe that they are successfully hiding their toxic marriage from friends and family. And, of course, sometimes it can be done but, more often than not, its just not possible. This is especially the case with children. They have big eyes and ears and hearts and the tangled web of emotions that exist in a toxic marriage are always simmering in the background and their little bodies just soak them right up. And, because they are kids and don’t understand these grown up emotions, the confusion will set them up for a world of hurt!

#5 – Things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Oh goodness – if I had a quarter for every client who tells me that they are waiting for things to go back to the way that they were in the beginning I would be a very rich life coach.

The beginning of relationships are always wonderful. The initial chemical reaction. The emotional connection. The romance. The great sex. The all night talks about hopes and dreams. It’s all the stuff, literally, of fairy tales.

Unfortunately, as a relationship develops, those initial intense emotions shift. In a healthy relationship, they shift in a positive way, one where a couple settles in to a secure, loving relationship. In a toxic relationship, those emotions lead to hurt, anger and disillusionment. Where, my clients wonder, is the person who they fell in love with?

I am afraid that, whether you are in a good marriage or a bad one, your relationship will never be the way that it was in the beginning. Holding onto the hope that it ever will is an exercise in futility. This is particularly the case if you are in a toxic marriage. No matter how hard you work on a relationship, it will never be what it was in the beginning nor will your spouse ever be exactly the person they were.

So, if you are staying in a toxic marriage because you believe that things could go back to the way that they were in the beginning, I am sorry to tell you this but it just won’t happen.

#6 – “We never fight” doesn’t not mean your marriage is fine.

I know that, when my marriage ended, I thought to myself – but we never fight. How can we possibly be getting a divorce? Our marriage was fine enough, right? After all, so many of our friends fought more than we did.

Well, it turns out that not fighting is not the sign of a healthy relationship nor is it the key to getting one.

A healthy marriage is all about communication – whether its positive or negative it’s important for people to be able to speak their truth and be heard. It’s not an easy thing to do – to be honest – but its a very important part of any healthy relationship.

When spouses don’t fight, it means that they aren’t expressing their feelings. It means that they are just stuffing down whatever frustrations they might have to a place where they will simmer until they boil over. My kids tell me that while my ex and I never fought, the tension was always in the air. They knew that we were holding things in and generally knew when they were going to come out.

The biggest gift that our divorce gave them was that they no longer had to wait for those eruptions.

So, if you and your spouse don’t fight – its not a good thing, I am afraid.

#7 – You really do deserve better.

Be honest. How do you feel about yourself these days?

Are you happy with who you are in the world. Do you wake up in the morning with a mostly positive outlook for your day? Do you take care of yourself? Are you being a good friend or a good parent? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think that you are in pretty good shape?

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t feeling so good about yourself. Any amount of time in a toxic relationship can be really hard on one’s self esteem. Being unhappy or on the receiving side of anger or feeling hopeless about the future are all things that can eat away at one’s self-esteem. And when one’s self esteem is damaged, its difficult to believe that one deserves any better than their unhappy marriage.

I can promise you that you 100% deserve better. We all do. You deserve to love and be loved and not live your days in misery. If you can take that first step fixing or getting out of your toxic marriage you will be taking one step towards rebuilding that self esteem and getting the love that you want.

I know that accepting these psychological facts about toxic marriages might be difficult.

After all, who wants to admit that their marriage is toxic and that something must be done. We make vows when we get married and not one wants to break their vows!

So, take a look at the facts that I have shared. Are they in any way related to your marriage? If yes, its time for you to figure out next steps!

7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t Want to Hear

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7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t want to Hear

One thing that every single one of my clients who is having an affair with a married man talks about is how their man’s marriage is a disaster; that they don’t understand how he can exist in it and that it should be a no-brainer to leave. Every one.

And what I tell everyone of them is  – “Actually, it’s not that simple.”

Of course, no woman having an affair with a married man wants to hear this. Their man’s miserable marriage is a part of how women rationalize what they are doing.

That being said, it essential that you, the “other woman,” understand truths about your married man’s marriage so that you can move forward with 100% clarity.

#1 – His wife is not a complete raving lunatic, no matter what he says.

I am sure that you have heard over and over what a raging lunatic your married man’s wife is. Or how she is so depressed that she can’t function or that religion has taken over her life or that she is controlling and manipulative. And I am sure that you believe him. After all, why would he lie?

Now I am not saying that your married man is lying, per se, but rather that this description of her is his story and one that he is going to stick to. After all, how else can he justify himself having an affair?

What I can tell you is that every marriage is long and hard but that in every marriage there are two people. Over time, the 1000 little cuts that occur in a marriage can cause a myriad of hurts, hurts that that can wear someone down emotionally. As a result, married people don’t always behave as calmly or respectfully as they might like.

I am guessing that your married man has hurt his wife – as I am sure that she has hurt him. She hasn’t just become a raving lunatic overnight. Of course she might be unkind or disrespectful but she isn’t that way in a void. She is this way because she is unhappy. And she is, I promise, very unhappy in her marriage.

#2 – She is married to someone who would cheat on her.

Think about this one very carefully, especially if you are in an affair with a married man who you are hoping will leave his wife for you.

Your married man is the kind of person who would cheat on his wife.

I am guessing that you are rationalizing his behavior because he is desperately unhappy and what else could he do? That you are soul mates who are destined to be together. But the reality is is that there are many men who are unhappily married who don’t cheat.

Of course, being unhappily married is extremely difficult and ideally every man who is unhappily married would join with his wife to find support to manage this unhappiness. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. As a result, men can look for other means of coping, some of them healthy and some of them not. Perhaps they exercise more or spend time with friends. Or perhaps they work harder or, tragically, drink too much. Whatever their coping skills, what they don’t do is cheat. They abide by the vows of their marriage, in spite of what they are struggling with.

Your married man is not one of those men who has chosen a coping skill that does’t involve sex with another woman. Is that someone who you would want to be married to? Perhaps that she is married to the kind of man who would cheat is one of the reason that your married man’s wife is such a “bitch.”

#3 – Your married man and his wife are still very much a couple.

Let me guess. Has your married man told you that he and his wife aren’t even a couple anymore? That they never spend time together, they don’t have the same interests, they can’t agree on anything and that they never have sex? I am guessing that the answer to at least some of these things is “yes.”

Well, let me tell you that your married man and his wife are still very much a couple. While they might not get along all the time (or ever) they are still married. They have friends who they socialize with. They have extended family who are visited on holidays. They have children’s sporting events that are watched every weekend. There are family holidays that need to be taken. All of those things are things that your married man and his wife do together. And, I can promise you, that they do, at times, enjoy doing these things together.

Of particular note is the fact that your married man and his wife live in the same house. There are dinners to be had, TV shows to be watched, chores to be done. And, whether or not they have children, at times at least, they do these things together.

I know that he tells you that he and his wife never do things together but they do. Every day.

#4 – They were madly in love once too.

I know that this is hard to conceive of but your married man and his wife were madly in love once. They met, they fell in love, they got married. Even if he tells you that he never loved her, he did.

And, while they might not love each other they way they used to, or barely even at all, there is a love there, love that is born of longevity and shared experience. This is why so many people have a hard time letting go of relationships, even if they are toxic – because of past emotional experiences and time spent together.

So, while your married man says that he doesn’t love his wife, and maybe even never did, remember – he fell in love with her once and that love still exists on some level.

truths about your married man's marriage

#5 – They have mutual obligations to each other.

On the most practical level, your married man and his wife have obligations to each other. They probably have a mortgage or a lease. They might have a car loan and perhaps credit card debt. They might have children they share or a dog they are both very attached to. Your married man is in a relationship that he can not easily disentangle himself from.

Even more important, your married man probably feels like he has a responsibility to continue to take care of his wife. I have a few clients who are married men having affairs and, without exception, they feel like it is imperative that they continue to take care of their wives.

Even in this world where men and women are equal, men still have an instinctual compulsion to take care of their women and their children. In many marriages, the men make more money and their wives are financially reliant on them. Furthermore, many men feel that they are responsible for the health and safety of their wives. For the things that they need so that they can have a good life. They want to make sure that they are taken care of, no matter what.

And these compulsions are not things that your married man will walk away from easily. He might very well have been brought up to take care of women and, if he has been doing it for a long time, especially, he will have a very hard time letting go.

#6 – They have a history. And, most likely, a future.

This is another thing to consider when you hear your married man complain about how horrible his life and his marriage is. Your married man and his wife have history, and, maybe even a future.

Think about it. Your husband and his wife have shared a life. They have friends they might have known for years, probably friends who are also married. They each have an extended family and those families have mingled regularly. They have kids who they have watched grow up. They have shared experiences, both good and bad, experiences that have joined them in some way.

And – even if he does leave her and they get divorced – your married man and his wife will have a future together, especially if they have kids or pets.

I know that it feels like that if your married man leaves his wife, that will be that and you will live happily ever after. But the reality is is that your married man and his wife will always be connected. Perhaps he has to pay her alimony. Or they have to meet to exchange the kids. Perhaps their aging parents will get sick and they will need to support each other. They might see each other at social events. Whatever the reason, your married man and his wife have a future together. One that you most likely won’t be a part of.

# 7 – His wife is most likely in charge.

One of the things that I learned in my 20 years of marriage is that I was the one who was in charge of our lives.

While we might have started out as equals, as we bought a house and had kids and developed a social life, I was the one who took over. I was the one who managed the kids schedules, bought birthday and Christmas presents, planned social events and arranged vacations. And I was happy to do it – but only if it was done my way.

And my husband – he knew the rules and was nonetheless perfectly happy to do things this way.

What I know now is that most husbands just want to keep their wives happy. If their wives are happy, there is no drama and emotions to deal with and the chances that they will get sex is dramatically higher. As a result, they keep their heads down, try to follow instructions correctly and get through the day with their heads fully intact.

So, what does this mean? Why should her being in a charge mean anything to you? Because your married man is so used to following instructions that the chances that he will advocate for himself and get out of the marriage are infinitesimal. Your married guy knows that, if he asks for a divorce, there will be drama and emotions, both things that he just isn’t equipped to deal with.

I know that these truths about your married man’s marriage might be hard to accept.

After all, you are having an affair with a married man and you are living in a bubble.  You are living in a bubble where you believe that your love will conquer all. That he will see how much better his life will be if he is with you. That, ultimately, he will choose you.

Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you. Yes, you love him and are there for him and you have fun together and the sex is great but your married man is married. Your married man has a full life of which you are not a part of and his wife is. And this is a life that he most likely won’t, in spite of his promises, ultimately leave.

9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After a Devastating Divorce

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9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

First off all, if you have survived a devastating divorce, good for you! You might have just gone through one of the worst times of your life but you came out the other side intact and are now ready to reinvent yourself!

And reinventing yourself is one of the most important things to do after a divorce. To let go of the person you were in your unhappy marriage and embrace a new you – a new you who will go out into the world to live and find love.

I am not saying that you must totally cast aside who you were in the past but a few tweaks could make a big difference in what the rest of your life looks like!

Here are 7 ways that you can reinvent yourself after your divorce, tried and true ways employed by me and my clients!

#1 – Take a good hard look at who you were in your marriage.

No matter whether someone leaves or was left in a marriage, there were two people in that marriage all along, two people who brought it to the place where divorce was an option.

It is important that, after a devastating divorce, you pause and figure out who you were in the marriage and what role your behavior played in the end of it.

For me, my husband left me for another woman. I was destroyed by the fact that he walked out on me. For a while I played the wronged woman card, someone who was abandoned through no fault of my own. Eventually, however, the role of the victim got old and I had to take a good hard look at the woman I had been in my marriage and how that person influenced its demise.

What was I like? I always put my kids first. And the dogs. And my friends. I always wanted things my way. Instead of telling him how I felt, I was passive aggressive. I treated him with contempt. I stopped being physical with him in any way.

Gosh – looking at myself as a whole, I wouldn’t have wanted to be married to me either.

Of course, me being this way didn’t happen in a void – he was responsible, to some extent, for my behaviors –  but the reality was that this was who I had been and who I could very well take into my next relationship.  I really didn’t want to do that.

So, in order to reinvent yourself, you must start at the beginning – understanding who you were before the divorce so that you can understand what exactly it is you need to reinvent.

#2 – Once you see yourself, consider how you want to do things differently.

Many people go out into their lives after a divorce, hoping that things will be different for them. Unfortunately many people don’t know exactly what specifically being different looks like. They just move forward, living their lives and dating, without any understanding of what specifically they want to do differently.

Once you have recognized the role that you played in your marriage, it’s time to dig deep and identify how you want to be going forward. For me, I knew that I wanted to be the kind of person who put other people first, at least some of the time. I wanted to learn to speak up for myself. I wanted to understand why I struggled with physicality when I was upset. I wanted to make sure that I treated a new partner with respect.

With this consciousness about what how I wanted to present in the world, I was able to set out to do so. Instead of throwing things against the wall to see what stuck, I was aware of how I was in relation to other people – how I treated them and how I let myself be treated.

By living consciously, I was able to make the change in myself that I sought to make. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen!

#3 – Reconnect with the person you were before you got married.

I am guessing that you are very different from the person you were when you got married. I know that, after 20 years of marriage and two kids, I couldn’t have been further from the girl who got married at 28.

That being said, that 28 year old girl, with her hopes and dreams, was still inside me. And, in order to move forward with my life in a meaningful way, getting in touch with her again was vital.

When I looked back at my younger self, I remembered how much I loved living in a city. I had been living in the country for a few decades and had forgotten. I was selling real estate at the time of my divorce but I remembered that I had always wanted to be a therapist. I had had dogs for 20 years but had always wanted a cat.

So, what did I do? I tried to revisit those dreams and see what I could do with them. To that end, I became a life coach. I moved to New York City and I got not one but two cats. For a while there, I felt like that 28 year old girl again, looking to the future with hopes and dreams, which set me off on the path to success at mid-life.

Are there things about your pre-marriage self that you might like to revisit? Do it!

reinvent yourself after divorce

#4 – Rearrange your space.

One of my favorite stories is about a client who, after her divorce, totally rearranged her house. If she had been in charge of the world she would have sold it but she couldn’t so she did the next best thing – she moved everything around.

First she got rid of everything that held any kind of negative energy from her marriage, even if they were things that she felt she “must” keep around for the kids. Then, she swapped the furniture in her living and master bedrooms. She bought herself a new bed and mattress and painted the bedroom walls a light pink, a color that her ex always hated. Before she knew it, she had a whole new space, one that was all hers. The vestiges of her marriage that had been bringing her down, something that she didn’t really realize was happening, were tossed out the door. Lighter and newly energized, she moved forward to get the life that she wanted.

#5 – Get out there and do something that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married, we tend to do married couple things. This isn’t a bad thing – it’s just often something that happens after years of marriage. What drops to the wayside are things that we want to do that our spouse might not want to or that there isn’t time for.

Now is the time to do those things.

What kind of things would you want to do? It can be things big or small. I always wanted to go to Peru. I did that. A client had always wanted to horseback ride. She did that. Perhaps its get a tattoo, or dye your hair blue, or pierce your nose (something my furniture rearranging client did). Perhaps its sleeping on the left side of the bed or sleeping later on the weekends.

Truly, doing whatever it is that you have always wanted to do, no matter how big or small, is a key part of reinventing yourself after a divorce. After all, part of your reinvention is being someone who has experiences that she didn’t have during her marriage.

#6 – Spend time with old friends and new.

For many of us, marriage leads to letting go of some friendships. Maybe it’s because a friend and a spouse didn’t get along. Perhaps its because of geographical distance. Perhaps its because of a lack of time. Perhaps its just apathy. For whatever reason, when we are married, we can let go of people who are important to us.

Now is the time to fix this!

Think about friends from your recent or distant past who it would be fun to reconnect with. I know for a client of mine, getting involved in a Zoom group of people she went to college with was life changing. They were people who she had shared a formative part of her life and reconnecting with these people put her in touch with who she was but also inspired her to think about what she wanted to do next. Outside of Zoom calls, she plays tennis with someone she didn’t know well in college but connected with in the group. She has traveled to Boulder and California to see other friends. She has plans for a girls trip to Mexico in the spring.

So, now that you are single and most likely have a little bit more time to yourself, make an effort to reach out to people from your past, and maybe make some new friends along the way.

#7 – Get yourself some professional support.

I know – none of us wants to get professional support, whether it be from a therapist or a life coach. After all, we are tough. We can get through these things on our own.

Unfortunately, in this case, reinventing yourself after your divorce might be nearly impossible without some kind of support.  Why? Because, more likely than not, you have never gone through a divorce before and, as a result, you have no idea how to manage it.

Of course, you have friends and family who want to support you and those friends and family love you but aren’t necessarily the best means of support. Friends and family are likely to tell you only what you want to hear, which isn’t always helpful. They might also bring their own experience or agenda into their support, like a sister who had a bitter divorce and wants to make sure that you do things the way that she did so that you can get a good outcome, even if its not the right outcome for you.

Talking to a life coach or therapist will help you get impartial, professional help from someone who has helped others through the experience. They will be supportive but they will also help you face some hard truths, truths that could be the key to you getting through the divorce and being able to reinvent yourself.

Look into finding some support. It doesn’t have to be forever – it just needs to get you through this difficult time.

#8 – Choose your social media carefully.

This is a really important one – really important.

When we are going through a tough break up, we often turn to social media to find support. After all, there are a jillion people out there who are willing to share their experience and their “expertise” with you. And it’s free.

Unfortunately, what you see on social media only reinforces how you are feeling or the way that you are thinking. It doesn’t give you an opportunity to learn or for growth. The algorithm will connect you with people who are feeling the way that you are now – angry, bitter or perhaps lost. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain. When you see those things over and over, it won’t help you move forward.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up,  I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity.

#9 – Have faith in yourself.

I am guessing that, in the aftermath of your divorce, you are struggling with low self-esteem. After all, for whatever reason, your marriage has failed. You had hoped to live happily ever after but it just didn’t happen.

As a result, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself, your place in the world and your prospects for the future. And I get it – I have been there.

What I want to remind you is that you are still here. You have survived your divorce and, instead of curled up in a ball on the couch, you are reading this, figuring out what is next. You might be beaten down and exhausted but you haven’t give up yet.

I always tell my clients that, more than likely, this isn’t the first time you have been beaten down. That you have felt overwhelmed and depleted and maybe even hopeless. You have been through hell and come out the other side at least somewhat intact. Perhaps a little bit battered but you have still emerged.

You will emerge again. The person you are right now isn’t the person who you will be forever. You will do what you need to do to move forward and you will get to a place where you will be happy and self-confident again.

If you can have faith in yourself and take the steps you need to take to move forward you will not only survive but you will thrive. I promise!

I know that the idea of being able to reinvent yourself after your divorce is daunting.

And I get it! Many many women have been in the boat that you are in now, feeling like they have lost their paddle. But, I can promise you, you have it in you to pick up that paddle and move forward in your life.

So, get up off the coach, take a look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. Because you can!

7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

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7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

Many people reach out to me wondering if they can ever rebuild trust with their partner after he cheated.

After all, learning that the person who says that they love them has stepped out on them is horrible; they are beyond devastated and not sure if their relationship can possibly be saved.

I always tell them not to despair – it might not be easy but it is possible to rebuild trust after he cheated. Its just a matter of understanding the steps to take to do so.

Here are the steps that I always encourage my clients to take so that they can rebuild their relationship and live happily every after.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are committed to rebuilding trust.

For many women, after discovering that their partner has cheated, they are so angry about the infidelity that they aren’t sure that they can ever get over it.

The picture in their mind of their partner’s affair partner is always at the forefront. The movie of their partner having sex with another person plays over and over in their head, often to the point that they can’t let it go. They have so many questions about what happened that their partner can’t answer. And their self-esteem is blown to shit.

Are you feeling this way? Probably, because you are reading this article. And I totally get it. I felt that way when I discovered that my ex had cheated on me.

The question is – can you, in spite of these images in your mind and the destruction of your self-esteem, see yourself forgiving your partner? Can you picture yourself staying with them even though they have hurt you so deeply?

It is important that you have an answer to this question before you start down the road to trying to heal your relationship. If you aren’t fully committed to making it work, it won’t work. That being said, if you aren’t sure if you can move on but would like to try, that is an answer too. Unless you are very clear in your mind that you are done, as many women are, then certainly take the next steps.

#2- Ask your partner if he is committing to doing the work.

So many of my clients say that they are going to fight for their relationship, that they aren’t quitters and that they aren’t going to quit now. And I always applaud a woman who isn’t a quitter but, unfortunately, sometimes not being a quitter doesn’t work the way they hope it will.

You see, to rebuild trust in a relationship, both couples must be willing to the work. Both people must be willing to dig deep and make the effort, to work together towards healing their relationship. If one person is all in and the other isn’t, rebuilding trust just won’t be possible.

I know that when my ex cheated on me, right away I was the one on the margins and he and his affair partner were the priority. I think that, in his mind, he believed he wanted to do the work and save our marriage, but, really, he was already aligned with his affair partner and wasn’t able to move forward with me. While I fought this for a while, ultimately, I knew that he wasn’t even remotely into fixing things and I moved on.

So, ask your partner if they are truly ready to do the work to rebuild trust, if they are committed to letting their affair partner go and moving forward as a couple, working to make change. If he is, then you are ready to take the next steps.

#3 – Ask the questions that you need to have answered.

I am sure that you have lots of questions that you would like answered. How the affair started. Who this person is who cheated with your partner. How often they met. How long the affair was going on. Why did they do it. And these are all valid questions that you might want answered. So ask them.

For many men, after it is discovered that they cheated, they actively want to rebuild trust and keep their relationship. Unfortunately, many men struggle to have the tools to make it happen. Most specifically, many men don’t want to discuss what happened but want to “let it go and move on.” They are angry with themselves for what they have done and how they have hurt their wives and they just don’t want to have to rehash what has happened. As a result, they aren’t willing to open up and answer their wives questions.

And, unfortunately, sweeping what happened under the rug will not be acceptable to any woman who is asking questions. She wants to know and that he isn’t willing to talk about it will not only shut down any progress towards healing but also cause her more pain.

That being said, I always tell my clients to understand what will happen if they have their questions answered. If they know the nitty gritty of what the affair looked like, that information will always be in their head, maybe preventing them from being able to get past what happened.

So, do ask the questions that you want answered but make sure that the information you need is something that will actually be helpful.

#4 – Ask yourself what you will need to feel like you can trust your partner again.

Trust is the key to every healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship has no hope of survival. That being said, for each person, trust looks like something else. It is important that you not only know what you will need to be able to trust your partner but that your partner will be willing to do those things for you.

What kind of things might work for you to rebuild trust?

Perhaps its being able to have access to his phone. Perhaps its knowing where heis at all times, at least for the foreseeable future. Its confirmation that he won’t have ANY contact with their affair partner. Perhaps its even talking to the affair partner (something that I NEVER recommend because the affair partner has no motivation to help you rebuild your relationship and will tell you things that could very well hinder your healing.).

So think about what kind of things will you need from your partner to help you feel like you can trust him again? And, even more importantly, will your partner be willing to give you those things?

#5 – Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

You might not be consciously aware of this but what has happened has most likely done a lot of damage to your self-esteem. You might be asking yourself what is wrong with you that your person cheated on you. You might be asking yourself if it was your personality or your body or your sex life that made your person step out on you.  You might be beating yourself up for not know that something was going on.

The reality is is that your partner cheating and its not because of anything that is wrong with you.  Yes, there is something going on in your relationship that gave your person the space to cheat on you but that thing isn’t all your fault. There are two people in every relationship and both people are responsible for making sure it stays healthy.

Now it is time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Perhaps you need to spend more time with friends (not always processing what is going on but also doing things together that make you feel good). Perhaps it’s working out more, or even taking regular walks. Perhaps you need to get away for a weekend, or for him to go away for the weekend, so that you can get your thoughts together.

It’s important that you take time during this time of stress to take care of yourself so that you can believe in yourself again and be able to do the hard work that needs to be done.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#6 – Don’t scour TikTok looking for other women who have been cheated on but rather seek interactive support.

So many of my clients look to TikTok and Instagram to find the answers that they need to understand why their partner cheated and how to get past it. And, unfortunately, much of what they find on social media won’t be helpful.

The reality is is that the people who post on TikTok about infidelity in their relationship are often people who have not been able to heal things. They are bitter and angry about what has happened and are willing and eager to go on and on about their partner’s infidelity and what douchebags men are in general.

What you will not find online are people who have successfully been able to rebuild trust after he cheated. Why? Either because they are happy in their relationship and don’t feel like they need to go online and share or because the algorithm is built to entertain and way more people watch the ranting videos then any happy ones that might be out there.

Another reason that going on social media to find the answers to your questions is a bad idea is because everyone’s story is different. Everyone cheats for different reasons and everyone reacts differently to their partner cheating. If you see someone ranting on about their cheating partner and how they did X,Y and Z, you might be led to believe that your partner did that as well, even if they didn’t. And that won’t help you with your relationship.

What I encourage women to do is to try to find a support group, one that involves give and take. Relying on one person’s emotional and edited version of what happened just won’t help. Through a back and forth conversation, one can get a fuller picture of what happened in another relationship and then compare it to their own, is exactly what one needs to get good support.

So look for a support group online, or locally, where you can talk with other women about what happened and not be on the receiving end of someone’s vitriol.

#7 – Get some professional help, both individually and together.

I know – the idea of professional help is a yucky one. Spilling your dirty laundry to someone else can be embarrassing and humiliating. You might not feel like you have the time, or the money, to make it happen and you are therefore determined to go it alone.

Unfortunately, unless you have dealt with infidelity before and successfully come out the other side, you have no idea what you are doing here. Neither you nor your partner have the skills that you need to navigate this situation. Having someone there to guide you, whether a life coach or a therapist, will help you rebuild trust quicker.

I also encourage people to get individual help when dealing with infidelity. For you, you will have a lot of anger and hurt to process and will need some help understanding what has happened and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Your partner will need to come to an understanding of why he cheated and what he needs to do going forward.

I am guessing that your partner will push back big time on going to therapy. Many men are therapy adverse and just don’t want to deal – especially if they are humiliated by what happened. I would encourage you to, if you are willing to get support, make him buying in a deal breaker. Again, you can’t do the work all by yourself – he needs to be willing to do the work as well.

I know that you feel like trying to rebuild trust after he cheated is a big job, one that is most likely feeling pretty daunting right now.

But I can promise you that you can do it. If you are committed to making it happen and committed to taking the steps that you must take to move forward, then you very well could rebuild your relationship and maybe even make it stronger for the future.

You can do it!

Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

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Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. The physical, mental and emotional pain can be so intense that sometimes its easy to question whether it is survivable.

But I can promise you that no one has ever died of a broken heart and that, sooner or later, the pain will fade and you will move forward with your life. One key element of doing so is to emotionally detach from what has happened, at least for some period of the time.

Of course, a key part of getting through any kind of pain is to feel the pain, to not stuff it down, but to let it run through your body and then let it go. Stuffing pain down into your body will only trap it there and the pain will only get worse. That being said, feeling that pain all the time will suck you physically and psychically dry so emotionally detaching is an important part of the healing process.

A dozen years of working with clients who are struggling has given me unique insight into what works best to emotionally detach when going through a break up. Let me share some of those insights now.

#1 – Take a yoga class.

I remember when a friend was going through a break up, I recommended that she take up yoga. It had helped me get through my divorce in a big way. She rolled her eyes at me and asked me why everyone was telling her to do yoga.

6 months later she was a yoga instructor.

The thing about yoga is that it quiets the mind in more ways that one. Practicing yoga poses is complicated (and intimidating, I know) and doing them takes a fair amount of concentration. When you are concentrating on doing a yoga pose correctly, you just can’t think about your break up. Furthermore, much of yoga is about consciously quieting the mind, trying to think about nothing at all. Its incredibly hard to do but, even if you can do it for a few seconds, it gives your brain a break from thinking about your pain.

Of course, when yoga is done, you might go back to thinking about the break up and feeling the pain but you will have had a 1.5 hour break from feeling the pain, something that will be good for both your body and soul.

#2 – Use social media to help you heal not to hurt.

Be honest. How much time have you spent since your break up on social media, looking for information on narcissists or people who cheat or emotional trauma or toxic relationships? A fair amount I am guessing. And the time that you spend doing these things might feel perversely good. You are able to focus on everything that is wrong with the other person and interact with people who are going through the same thing, Unfortunately, repeatedly doing this will only keep you completely attached to your pain.

When you are seeking out information on the toxic aspects of things, you will only find the most toxic aspects of things. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain.

And, of course, seeung to do with your ex, ANYTHING, will take you to a bad place.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up, in order to emotionally detach and move forward, I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity, even if only for a short time.

#3 – If you can, get out of town.

I have a client who has been devastated by a break up. She found out that her partner of 4.5 years had another girlfriend and, when she found out, that man chose the other woman. The pain that she was feeling was intense; she described it as a physical pain that was consuming her body.

Fortunately, about three weeks into her break up, she had a business trip scheduled out of town. It wasn’t something that she was looking forward to because she was still wallowing in her pain but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her, emotionally.

Being out of town disconnected her from painful memories of her ex and the things that they did together. She ate at new restaurants and saw things that she hadn’t seen before. She met new people, people who know nothing about what she was struggling with. For 3 full days, she spent more time not focused on her pain which gave her mind and her body a break.

Of course, when she went home, the pain came back but not nearly as strong as it had been before she left and she felt a little bit more capable of handling it.

emotionally disconnect after break up

#4 – Spend time with people who love you – with no talk about the break up.

I know that you are feeling a ton of pain and feel like your life will never be the same. And I get that. But the reality is is that, most likely, before you met your ex you had lived a full life, a life without them in it, and that you were happy.

And a huge part of the time that you lived before he came into your life involved good friends and  loving family. Friends and family who you experienced life with. Friends and family who supported you through bad times and celebrated good ones with you. Friends and family who think you are wonderful and make you feel loved.

If you can spend time with friends and family, time spent not focusing on your break up but focusing on the life that you have always had, you will be able to emotionally detach even for a few hours, giving yourself a break from the pain.

#5 – Get out there for a walk or a run, AirPods in your ears.

I know. The last thing that you feel like doing right now is getting off the couch, putting your sneakers on and getting outside. But, if you want to emotionally detach from your pain, getting out there will be the best thing that you do.

Walking or running is very rhythmic. When we walk or run we, consciously or not, tend to focus on taking the next step. Much like doing a yoga pose, the act of running or walking can give our brain a break from those desperate thoughts.

If you have your AirPods in your ears, you can detach yourself one step further. When I was going through my divorce, listening to music as I walked felt so damn good. Power ballads by Lady Gaga and Beyonce were my go-to, songs that made me feel sad and also made me feel powerful. I would sing along as I walked, my heart rate elevated, my blood pumping and, by the time my walk was done, I felt exhilarated and feeling hopeful for the future.

Yes, the exhilaration wore off after a while but, even if for an hour, I got a taste of how I was going to feel once this break up pain faded.

#6 – Find a podcast that makes you happy and keep it on continuous play.

When I was going through my divorce, my time in the car was always the worst for me. I would perseverate about my husband and his new girlfriend. I would worry about how I was going to move forward. I would assure myself that I would never love or be loved again. And, when I reached my destination, I was usually a very crabby camper.

And then I discovered podcasts. I had never listened to them before – in fact it was a badge of honor for me that I had never indulged. My daughter introduced me to “You’re Wrong About,” a podcast that debunked urban legends. The hosts,  Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes, thereafter joined me on my car rides.

Listening to podcasts was great for me. I learned new things, things that I hadn’t known before, things that I would take into my future and weren’t part of my past. The hosts were hilarious and made me smile when I thought that smiling was impossible. Most importantly, listening to them distracted me from the negative tapes that I was running over and over in my mind.

I have continued to listen to podcasts in the car. They do an excellent job distracting me from the terrible disfunction that is happening in our world, giving me a break from the despair that I am often living with about the future of our country, even if just for a short time.

#7 – Get rid of every gift they have ever given you and anything they left at your house.

A client of mind did the most amazing thing last week. It had been weeks since her break up and, while she was feeling better, she was still struggling more than she wanted to. She was still wearing the bracelet that he had given her and she found his sweater under the bed. Looking at her bracelet and the encounter with his sweater set her back, big time.

What did she decide to do? She decided to gather everything that he had given her or that he had left behind and burn it. She invited her friends to join her, encouraging them to bring anything that they needed to burn or to just come and be together helping her celebrate the destruction of tangible evidence of her old relationship. She and her friends built a bonfire and burned everything. She told me that for one full evening she felt invincible, which gave her hope for the future.

Of course, fire isn’t the only option for getting rid of your ex’s stuff. I took everything I found and put it in a bag which I tucked away somewhere that I knew I wouldn’t stumble upon it. When I was ready, I sorted through the things, feeling my feelings about them. And then I got rid of them. I recycled the letters, gave the clothes to Goodwill and sold the gold necklace on E-bay. It was interesting because when I was doing these things I felt strong and hopeful for the future. Instead of focusing on the pain, I was focusing on letting go and moving forward. And I spent the money from the necklace on a purse I had been eyeing for a while. Carrying that purse instead of wearing that necklace allowed me to emotionally detach in a way that I hadn’t been able to do so far. It felt amazing.

I know that right now it’s hard for you to believe that you will ever get past this pain and that emotionally detaching will be impossible. But I promise that you can do it!

When we are suffering, it is so easy to lose ourself in it, to wallow in our feelings of self-pity, anger, hopelessness and despair. But you don’t want to lose your sanity to this break up, something that will happen if you let yourself stay in the place of pain.

Making an effort to emotionally detach, even if just for a little bit, will be a big step for you as far as moving forward and letting go of the pain of the break up. After all, do you want to give him the satisfaction of destroying you?

No, I am guessing not!

So get up off the couch and do one of the things that have worked for me and for my clients and join the ranks of women who didn’t let someone who hurt them keep us down!

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