How to Recover From a Break up – 10 Things that Really Work

/by


 

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you have had your heart broken.

And for that I am very sorry!

I know that there is nothing worse than a broken heart.

I remember my first like it was yesterday. Bobby Fortunato broke up with me for Katie Ford my mom let me stay home from school because she knew how hard it can be.

I did get over Bobby Fortunato and you can get over the person who let you go.

So, how to recover from a break up? Here are 10 things that really work so that you can over your broken heart and move on!

#1 – Set boundaries.

The first step that you MUST do is to establish boundaries with your ex.

This means no trying to be friends. It is literally impossible to be friends with an ex after a breakup – there are too many hurt feelings.

This means not making excuses for seeing each other. You are both probably missing each other, and seeing each other will only hurt.

This means no random hooking up, hoping that things might change. They won’t.

This means NO CONTACT. This means blocking them everywhere. If your ex can reach out to you, or you them, it will sabotage your healing in a big way.

#2 – Do some research.

There is so much information online about how to recover from a break up. (Like this blog!)

I always encourage my clients, when they are in break up recovery mode, to go online and learn what they can about break ups.

I encourage them to read blogs and to interact with people who are going through break ups. Getting more information about anything only helps us work through it, and interacting with like-minded people can always be helpful.

There are two caveats to this recommendation.

The first is that you recognize that the information you find online is not directly related to you and your break up. It is someone else’s story, and some of the things that you will read won’t be relevant to you. This is important to keep in mind.

I also encourage people to do this research in the beginning but to shut it down after a week or two. If you continue doing research on break ups, then you will be stuck in break up mode and not be able to move forward.

After spending some time online learning about break ups, it’s time to spend some time online learning about moving on!

A table with books and an ipad on it

#3 – Take stock of your role.

Many of us play the victim after a break up.

We think that we did nothing wrong and that our ex is completely to blame.

I have a client who told me that he had been the perfect husband for 20 years and that his wife cheating on him wasn’t his fault. In reality, he realized that he hadn’t been the perfect husband and that, while his wife’s infidelity wasn’t justified, he did have a role to play in her turning to someone else for emotional connection.

If you are playing the victim in your break up, it will definitely sabotage your break up recovery

#4 – Don’t stalk them.

In this day and age of social media, stalking an ex is easy.

Back in the day, the only way to know what an ex was doing was by grilling their friends or trying to set ourselves up somewhere we know they might be.

Now, you can go online and, in a few clicks, see what your ex is doing and with whom.

Why will stalking hamper your recovery after a break up? Because seeing them online is breaking the ‘no contact’ rule. Knowing what they are up to, seeing that they have moved on with their life, believing that they are happy without you, will only set you back to square one in your healing.

#5 – Let yourself cry.

So many of us hold in our emotions. We are told from a young age that we need to stop crying or that it makes us weak. As a result, when we have our heart broken, we tend to stuff the pain down deep instead of letting it out.

It is so important that, in every area of life, we feel our feelings. Why? Because if we feel them, we will be able to let them out of our body. Instead of holding them inside, where they can fester and cause damage, letting them go will help us to set ourselves free from the pain.

So, cry. Get a journal and write out your feelings. Talk to your friends. Get those feelings out of your head and your body so that you can take another step recovering from a break up.

#6 – Know that you are not alone.

I am sure that, right now, you are feeling like your pain is the worst pain of all. That this break up is more painful than any other break ups. And believing that will only hold you back in your recovery.

I suggested before going online and finding other people who are struggling with a break up. Find a local divorce or break up group. Spend time with friends who are going through the same thing.

The Mayo Clinic states that the benefits of a support group are significant. Support groups will help you feel less lonely, it will reduce distress, anxiety and depression. It will help you improve your coping skills and talking openly about your pain will help others heal as well.

There is nothing like sharing our situation with others who are in the same place to help us heal after a break up.

You are not alone. Know that!

Three women laying on the ground wearing sunglasses.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

I am guessing that you might be reading this blog with a pint of ice cream in your hand. Perhaps on the couch, still in your pajamas?

This is okay. But don’t let this be your world for very long.

It is very important that, when we are recovering from a break up, we take care of ourselves.

Sleeping is the most important thing. If you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to think clearly and emotions will be harder to manage.

Exercise and eating well are also key. They will make your body feel strong and confident, and there is nothing better than having a strong body.

Furthermore, exercise helps release dopamine, a feel-good chemical that will reduce the pain of the break-up, at least for a little while.

#8 – Don’t shut people out.

For many people, the instinct to isolate themselves after a break up is strong.

After all, break ups can lead to depression and isolation is a hallmark of depression.

Shutting people out, isolating yourself from people who care about you, will only hamper your recovery.

After a break up, we often feel abandoned. We feel less than. We feel unloved. Spending time with people who love you will help you to not feel those things. Instead, you will feel loved and safe and special.

Feeling this way will only help us speed along our recovery and move on.

 

#9 – Do something special.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. I found myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone, with nothing much to do. I spent time alone, trying to figure out what was next but feeling hopeless and helpless.

And then a friend called me and asked if I was interested in taking a trip to Peru. It was a five-day hiking trip that ended at Machu Picchu. Peru was somewhere that I had always wanted to go. I jumped at the opportunity and spent 5 lovely days hiking the Andes.

This trip helped me recover from my break up for two reasons.

The first is that it got me out of my hum-drum routine into something totally different. I spent time with people I didn’t know and who didn’t know my story. I spent time with people from other cultures and learned from them.

The second reason that this trip helped with my break-up recovery is that I accomplished something. I traveled to Peru, hiked to 17,000 feet, ate foods I had never eaten before, and took a risk by branching out.

Both of these things, experiencing different things and proving to myself that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to, helped me move on in a big way!

A woman climbing up the side of a mountain.

#10 -Have hope for the future.

I know that this feels impossible right now. To have hope that you will ever love or be loved again is just beyond.

But I can tell you that you will be okay. That you will find someone else to love you. That your happily ever after is out there.

My husband left me 12 years ago. Last week, I married the love of my life. In between, I found love in many places and it made me a new, improved version of myself.

I never would have believed that this could happen. But it did. And it happens to all of my clients, without exception. If they can let go of a love that wasn’t serving them, they open up the space to find someone who will.

I am guessing that you have been through a break up before and eventually gotten past it and found love again? That will happen again. I just know it.

A woman in a straw hat is standing in the middle of sunflowers.

Knowing how to recover from a break up can be difficult.

When we are in breakup recovery mode, we often aren’t thinking clearly. Our emotions are clouding our brain and we get paralyzed.

But you can heal from your break up. You can rebuild yourself, stronger then ever. You can create the life for yourself that you have always wanted and get your happily ever after.

Instead of this being the end, it is the beginning.

I promise!

 

Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay in Relationships? 9 Surprising Reasons

/by


 

I know it seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, if someone cheats on someone, why would they want to stay in a relationship with them?

After all, they cheated. They can’t possibly still love their person and be happy in a relationship if they cheated. Right?

Actually, it’s more complicated than that. People cheat for many reasons and not only because they are no longer in love with the person they are with.

They cheat because they might struggle with low self-esteem or they have a hard time with commitment or they don’t feel loved or they need variety or they feel neglected or because the opportunity arises and, of course, sexual desire.

It is very rare (although it does happen) that someone cheats because they want to get out of a relationship.

So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships after they have cheated?

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – They still love you.

You might be thinking “how can people cheat on someone they love?†It just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you would never do that, correct?

But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Just being in love isn’t enough to help someone heal their wounds. Yes, love is wonderful and it makes us feel better in the world but love doesn’t fix everything.

Someone who is well-loved and in love might still suffer from low self-esteem or depression, and that might lead them to cheat. Or they might feel neglected by the person they love and so they turn to another to make themselves feel better.

What they don’t want, at all, is to let go of the person they love. They love that person and want to be with them, and they see the cheating as something that is totally outside of their love story with their person.

I know it seems weird, but the number one reason why cheaters want to stay in relationships is that they still love their person.

#2 – They feel guilty.

Imagine you are someone who just cheated on someone you love.

Perhaps it’s your spouse or your partner or even a friend.

Can you imagine the guilt that you must feel? It must be pretty overwhelming, no?

So, what might be your instinct when you are feeling guilty about cheating?

To stay, perhaps, and try to fix things? Yes, probably.

Ironically, staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t a good reason to do so. If you don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are willing to address the root cause of it, staying will only make things worse.

I always encourage cheaters who want to stay because they feel guilty to ask themselves if staying is really the best thing for their partners or are they staying for themselves and their guilt?

#3 – They are scared.

Cheaters who want to stay in relationships often do so because they are scared.

They are scared of letting go of someone they still love. They are scared to be out there in the world, on their own. They are scared that they will never find someone else to love and that their reputation will be forever tarnished as a cheater.

Fear is a very powerful emotion, something that keeps us from putting ourselves in harm’s way and it’s something that’s hard to overcome. When people cheat on someone they still love, the idea of losing them is almost more than they can bear.

But, again, it’s important that, if a cheater wants to stay in a relationship, that they do so because they want to make things work, not because they are scared about what is on the other side of a break up or divorce.

#4 – They don’t have other options.

This is a big one. People often want to stay in a relationship after they cheated because they have no other option than to do so.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients whose partners cheated and whom they want to leave are still in a relationship with them because there are no other options.

Perhaps it’s the finances that make someone stay or have no place to go. Or, if they leave, there will be no one to provide childcare or take care of the home.

Perhaps it’s the fact that they believe that, if they go, they won’t have any other options to find love. That the love they have, even if it’s damaged, is better than no love at all.

Having options is one of the most important things to have in one’s life, and not having them can paralyze someone when it comes to making a move.

#5 – They fear change.

According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter, writing for the Harvard Business Review, people hate change for a multitude of reasons. Change means a loss of control, uncertainty, loss of face, and concern about whether they can handle it. Fear that changing one thing might change other things. Worry that the change will backfire and that things will get worse.

A person who has cheated, especially if they have been found out, will already be dealing with a world that feels pretty wobbly.

Cheating, while it sounds sexy, will rock someone’s world, shaking the foundation of everything that they assumed about themselves.

The last thing that they want is for things to change ever further, to have to leave the family or the house that gives them the stability that they need.

And so, they want to stay!

#6 – They don’t feel good about themselves.

One of the number one reasons why people cheat, in my opinion, is because they have a low opinion of themselves.

They don’t like who they are in the world and they haven’t learned how to manage or change and so they have had to create coping mechanisms to live with themselves.

One of those coping mechanisms might be cheating. By focusing on their infidelity and their affair partner, they don’t have to think about how much they hate themselves. They are also spending time with someone who thinks they are wonderful and tells them that regularly.

When a person is no longer cheating, they need to revert to other coping mechanisms, ones that may or may not work. And the idea of leaving their partner, especially if they still love them, might be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.

They might not think that they deserve their partner, because they cheated, but leaving them will only make them feel worse about themselves.

A scary thing indeed.

#7 – They are worried about finances.

Money, money, money. It makes the world go ‘round.

For many people, they stay in their relationship after cheating because they worry about finances. Because they are anxious that, if they leave, their long-term financial health might be damaged.

And, of course, many people stay because they just can’t afford to do it, right now.

Unfortunately, staying in a relationship because of money will, most likely, just lead to a lifetime of misery. If we don’t stay in a relationship because we truly want to make the relationship work, then we won’t ever be happy.

That being said, staying might be the only option if finances are in issue, in which case, working together to try to figure out how to make co-habitation work would be wise.

#8 – They still want sex.

Sex, sex, sex – the other thing that makes the world go ‘round.

For many men, having sex is a driving factor in their life. They think about it every day and would love nothing more than to have a partner who wants as much sex as they do.

And they know that, if they leave, the chances that they have to have sex anytime soon are slim. Furthermore, for someone who might have been recently having sex with more than one person, the prospect of the absence of sex might feel overwhelming.

So, yes, cheaters who want to stay in relationships are often cheaters who want sex and hope that, if they stay, they will still be able to get the sex that they desire.

#9 – They have hope.

Many, many people who cheat regret that they did so. They know that the affair didn’t fix their lives the way that they had hoped it would. They know that they only caused other people pain. They know that they let themselves down. They promise themselves that they will do better.

And, with these thoughts in mind, they want to stay.

They want to stay so that they can work on things – both personally and as a couple – hoping that things will still be okay.

They believe that, if they leave, that will mean the end of the relationship and that they will never have the chance to make things right, something that they want to do.

I hope that you now see that cheaters want to stay in relationships for a variety of reasons.

Some of them, like hope and love, are excellent reasons to stay. They signal that the cheater wants to work to make amends and to make change and to get the relationship back on track.

Some of them are selfish, like the fear of being alone and not getting laid. Many cheaters are selfish, so these reasons, while not being okay, are on brand.

And some reasons are purely practical, like not having options or having financial anxiety.

Whatever the reasons, the fact that a cheater wants to stay in a relationship is not unusual.

If your person has cheated and wants to stay, find out why. That will help your decision about whether they should stay or should go easier.

You can do it!

Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

/by


 

Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

10 Easy-To-Miss Stages of a Dying Marriage

/by


 

Many of my clients come to me wondering if their marriage is dead.

It can be hard to tell, from the inside looking out, where one’s marriage stands.

Why? Because, as the years go on, some behaviors, good and bad, become normalized, and it’s hard to tell if they are affecting the marriage in a negative way.

What my clients know is that they are unhappy in their relationship, but they aren’t sure if that means it’s over.

I tell them that there are specific signs, specific stages of a dying marriage, that can be easy to miss.

Knowing what they are is a crucial way to know if your marriage is dead or if it might be resuscitated.

Here are 10 easy-to-miss stages of a dying marriage to help you decide the next steps in your.

#1 – Out of sight, out of mind.

Do you find that, when you are away from your spouse, you never think about them, much less miss them?

Do you find that you only think about them when you are apart when you need them? Or when you are angry with them?

For people who are in a happy marriage, part of that marriage is having that person on your mind, or at least coming to mind, while you are apart.

Thinking about them shows that they are important to you which is a good sign that your marriage might not be dead.

#2 – Not noticing the little things.

When you are first with someone, it’s the little things that are so special.

The cute way that they do things. The jeans that hug their butt just so. The silliness that they display when they talk to their mom. The way they rejoice in making you happy.

As marriages go on, it’s easy to stop noticing the little things. Time and familiarity make it so those little things seem to not be as important anymore.

And, as a result, spouses can start to feel invisible and unloved.

Ironically, not noticing the little things is an easy-to-miss stage of a dying marriage because, more often than not, not noticing the little things at first is a sign of being comfortable and familiar with your partner. Ultimately though, as time goes on, that comfort can cause a disconnection that can end a marriage.

#3 – Ignoring the tension in the room.

When my ex-husband decided to go back to business school, which meant leaving the house every other weekend and being consumed with homework when he was home, I was so very angry beyond angry.

But we never talked about it. Instead, we just pretended that I didn’t care.

Over the two years when he was in school, there wasn’t a moment when the two of us were in the same room that there wasn’t tension. Instead of addressing it, though, we ignored it.

It got worse and worse, and I am sure that our marriage never recovered from those periods of sadness and anger and we are now divorced.

#4 – Loss of intimacy.

This is the sign of a dying marriage is that isn’t as hard to miss.

According to Marriage.com, sex increases levels of commitment in a marriage. Because of intimacy, a couple who might get disconnected over the course of the day or week can reconnect through physical touch.

And that can save a marriage.

Unfortunately, in many relationships, women need to feel connected before they are willing to have sex while men need sex to feel connected. This leads to a détente and sex that never happens and might even lead to even more disconnect between the two.

#5 – Lots of acts of service.

One thing that I noticed as my marriage died was how many acts of service we did for each other.

I would bring him lunch at work. He would take the kids away for the weekend to give me some space. He would take out the garbage, and I would make his favorite meal.

Both of us did these things because we were trying to show the other love.

Unfortunately, my love language is quality time, and his physical touch, and the acts of service that we were doing for each other made neither one of us feel loved.

And, because we weren’t feeling loved, it was hard to fight for the marriage, and ours eventually died.

#6 – Talking about the weather.

Does this happen to you? Do you find that you talk about the weather or current events or kid’s activities or that the car needs to be fixed but do not talk about anything of any substance at all?

Do you do this because you have found that you have nothing left in common, nothing to talk about?

Or perhaps you do this because you are both avoiding talking about the elephant in the room and so you keep the conversation surface level.

Whatever the reason, not being able to talk about things is definitely a sign that your marriage might be dead.

#7 – Not having fun together.

Just like having things to talk about, to keep a marriage strong, it is essential that the couple has fun together.

That they take the time to share experiences that they both enjoy. To stay up to date with each other’s interests. To spend time together laughing and appreciating each other.

This can be a slippery slope in a marriage. While the things that you both enjoyed initially attracted you to each other, as time goes on, those interests can diverge. And diverge to the point where you have nothing in common anymore.

They can also diverge to the point that you have disdain for what they want to do and only participate grudgingly.

Do you and your spouse still have fun together? If not, then that could well be that your marriage is dying.

#8 – Your friends don’t want to spend time with you.

Have you noticed that invitations from friends have gotten increasingly sparse?

Do your neighbors not drop by as much?

Does your family tell you they don’t like what they see between you and your spouse?

Even though many couples don’t see just how bad off their marriage is, people on the outside definitely can. They can read the tension and see the contempt and hear the complaining.

Being with that couple can be uncomfortable and just plain not fun. And so they make excuses to spend time elsewhere, ironically leaving the unhappy couple to themselves to become even more unhappy.

#9 – Being antagonistic.

Do you find that you are picking fights with your spouse all the time?

Instead of talking about things that are frustrating you, are you passive-aggressive, saying unkind things under your breath and then saying that everything is fine?

Being antagonistic is definitely a sign of an unhappy marriage. Imagine if a friend acted that way, picking fights and being rude. Would they still be your friend? I am guessing not.

People in a happy marriage don’t pick fights and be passive-aggressive. They treat their partner with respect and try to communicate clearly about things that are important to them!

#10 – No willingness to act.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me that their spouses aren’t willing to get help for their marriage.

That they don’t see the need or don’t believe in therapy or make excuses that they don’t have the time.

As a result, things just stay the way they are or get worse.

A good marriage is a marriage that is being consistently worked on. It’s two people who want the marriage to be healthy and are willing to do whatever they need to do to keep it that way, and they do so without rancor.

For a couple who is stuck in unhealthy patterns because the desire to not deal is there, their marriage will definitely die a slow, painful death.

Are you reading this article because you want to save your marriage? Then I would suggest that, when you are done, you talk to your partner about getting help to work on your marriage, perhaps rebuilding it into something strong.

Sometimes the stages of a dying marriage are hard to spot.

Much like when we are drowning and trying to keep our heads above water, so being in the midst of an unhappy relationship can be hard to see.

It’s important that couples recognize the signs that their marriage is not a healthy one so that they can take the steps that they need to take to save it, if they want to.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be DOA. There is still time to save it, if you both want to!

When Your Wife Yells at You: 5 Do’s and Don’ts

/by


 

Marriage is hard. Very hard. And unfortunately, there are times when it can involve lots of yelling.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have a calm, rational conversation about an issue, and often they can. But, sometimes, they lose control of their emotions, and they yell.

And, for many people, being yelled at is something that shuts them down.

In my work with clients, I have many men who just don’t know what to do when their wives yell at them. They feel like their reactions, or lack of, can make things worse and they just don’t know what to do.

I know that, for my husband, when I yell (which is rare) he says that his mind just shuts down. It’s blank. He has no idea what to do. I had no idea that this happened and when he told me it gave me a ton of information to share with my clients, men and women.

To that end, I thought I would share with you today the 5 do’s and don’ts that I tell my male clients when they say, ‘my wife yells at me, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Maybe these tips will help you get through these experiences in a productive way and might help prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

Do: Let her vent.

When your wife yells at you, she has lost control of her emotions. Chances are that she is yelling because she has a lot of pent-up issues, and, for some reason, feelings about them have erupted.

The best thing to do when she needs to vent is to let her do it. She needs to get it out of her system, her frustrations, and when she does, she might be able to express what she is feeling in a calmer, more rational manner.

Don’t: Walk away.

I know – it’s really hard when your wife yells at you. It’s really hard when anyone yells at you. And the temptation to walk away is huge.

But, if you walk away, you will do two things. The first is to anger her more, which will involve more, even louder, yelling. The other is that you will kick whatever the issue is down the road which, will, most likely lead, you to say ‘My wife yelled at me’ again soon.

So, do your best to stand your ground and listen to your wife as she yells at you. I know that it might take superhuman powers to do it. But, if you can, it will pay off in spades.

Do: Listen to her words.

I know that it might be difficult but, if you can, try to listen to the words that your wife is telling you. Yes, there might be a lot of very emotional, maybe unreasonable, things coming out of her mouth but hidden in there is the issue that she is upset about.

Why would you listen to the words of someone who is yelling at you, who is making you so uncomfortable by doing so, who is making you feel attacked? Because if you can try to understand what her issue is, when she is done venting, you might be able to address what she is so upset about.

Don’t: Shut her out or ignore her.

When my male clients say, ‘My wife yells at me all the time,’ I ask them what they do when she does. More often than not, my clients just don’t pay attention.

They might turn their back on her, focusing on another task. They might walk out of the room, not letting her express herself. They might look at their phone, ignoring her, waiting for the venting to be over.

This is pretty much the worst thing that you can do if your wife is yelling at you.

If your wife if yelling at you, pay attention. Again, you might have to be strong and block out the vitriol but, if she knows that you are listening, she will most likely calm down quicker.

Do: Stay calm

I know. I am asking you to stay really calm while your wife yells at you. Three times now, I have asked you.

For many people, two things happen when we are yelled at. First, we want to cut and run, to save ourselves from the pain of the yelling. The second is that we want to jump into the fray and start yelling ourselves.

We want to push back on the words that they are saying. We don’t listen to what they are trying to communicate but just focus on whatever we are going to say next. Our heart rate gets elevated and our instincts to protect ourselves kick in and we fight back.

And this, I am sure, if your wife yells at you, is not productive.

Don’t: Don’t yell back.

The next step to staying calm in the face of your wife yelling at you is to try as hard as you can to not yell back. I know that it might seem impossible, but if you can do it, it will go a long way toward the yelling being over and a possible discussion happening.

Many of my male clients really struggle with this. When they feel attacked, it is the male instinct to fight back and protect themselves. When someone they love attacks them, it is even worse.

They lose control of their emotions and raise their voice along with their wife. And this, I am afraid, willing only make the yelling escalate and lead down the road to nothing productive.

Do: Try to understand where she is coming from.

If you listen to your wife’s words, you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from. The yelling is coming from somewhere – the key is figuring out where.

Sometimes, when we are on the other side of someone’s vitriol, we assume that, whatever they are yelling about is all about us. But, often, that isn’t the case.

Think about the times that your wife has yelled at you in the past. Has it always been about something that you have done? Or perhaps, maybe it’s about something else?

I know that, when I used to yell at my husband, is was often because of something else. Perhaps I was trying to cook dinner and the kids were being difficult, and his mother was calling and the dogs needed to be fed. He would walk in the door and ruffle through the mail pile, leaving it a mess, something that he did all the time which drove me crazy.

And, while the ruffling through the mail pile was something that I didn’t like, I generally didn’t address it. But, when things were chaotic, and I was frustrated, him doing that small action set me off.

I would yell at him for doing that and he would be bewildered at what he had done in the 30 seconds that he had been home which would make me so angry.

In fact, it really wasn’t him but it was what was going on around me.

So, know that understanding where your wife is coming from might help you manage it, and your emotions around it, so as not to escalate what was happening.

Don’t: Tell her that she is wrong.

Telling your wife that she is wrong in the middle of her yelling you will only get your head bitten off. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, especially a wife who is really angry with her husband.

Of course, you might think her wrong, and she very well could know that she is wrong, but telling her would be like prodding a tiger with a stick. She will only roar back at you, yelling loader, being more vicious.

When the fighting is done, you might be able to discuss what is happening, and she will see the error of her ways but, in the middle of it all, keep quiet. And calm.

Easier said than done, I know.

Do: Ask her what she needs from you.

Once her emotions are spent and she is no longer yelling at you, ask your wife what it is she needs from you.

Does she need some space to calm down after the yelling? Does she want to talk to you about what is going on. Does she need a hug? What is it that you can do to segue into the next part of this event.

I know that you probably aren’t feeling very loving towards your wife after she yells at you but the best way to prevent the yelling in the future is to act in a way now that is loving and supportive.

Don’t: Belittle her.

I have many clients who make the mistake of belittling their wives when they are yelling at them. They tell them that they are being ridiculous. They might perhaps mimic in a condescending way what their wife is saying. They might tell them that they are acting like a child.

Don’t do this. Again, I know that it’s difficult, but belittling someone who is already angry isn’t going to calm things down. It will only make the person doing the yelling feel that her actions are justified because you are, in fact, being a jerk.

In summary, knowing the 5 dos and 5 don’ts when you say to yourself, ‘my wife is yelling at me and I have no idea what to do.’

No one likes to be yelled at, ever. But there are ways to manage your wife’s emotions in the moment and maybe prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

All of this being said, know that if your wife’s yelling is escalating in frequency or noise levels, this is not ok. Yelling can be a form of emotional abuse that might need to be addressed. This article will tell you more about verbal abuse and what you can do to manage it.

If you find that the yelling is affecting your mental health, perhaps it will be time to get some help. Whether it’s talking to your health care professional about your options or trying to get you both into marriage counseling, if your wife’s yelling is only getting worse, it’s time to take action.

After all, taking care of yourself and your mental health is the yell to staying healthy through this challenging time and will keep you strong in the future should your wife yell at you again!

10 Reasons to Avoid Having an Affair with Married Men

/by


 

For many people, they might seem obvious the reasons to avoid having an affair with married men. After all, they are married and not available, right?

Unfortunately, for many women, they do go down that rabbit hole of having an affair with a married man. Nobody sets out to do this but it does happen, whether because they are tricked by their man, or they decide to take a chance that this married man will leave his wife and they will live happily ever after.

Whatever the reason, having an affair with a married man is, not surprisingly, a really bad idea. The pitfalls are significant and might even cause permanent damage.

Let me share with you 10 reasons to avoid having an affair with married men.

Maybe if you can see them clearly now, before you go down that slippery slope to an extramarital affair, you might be able to shut things down, before it’s too late!

#1 – He will break his promises.

If you were in a relationship with someone, would you be okay if they broke all their promises?

If they promised you, they would be somewhere and then couldn’t make it at the last minute.

If they promised you that they would take action on some matter and then not do it.

If they went promised to love you forever and then went home to another woman every night?

I am guessing that if you were in this kind of relationship, you would break up with the guy.

A married guy will break all of his promises.

He might promise you that he wants to be with you on Sunday and then cancels because of a soccer game. He might swear that he is going to tell his wife that he wants a divorce and then doesn’t do it. He might tell you that he will spend your birthday with you but then shows up at your house late because he can’t slip away.

Know this – that your married man, even if he doesn’t want to, will repeatedly lie to you, making promises that he just can’t, or won’t, keep.

#2 – Your relationship won’t be real.

Many people who are in relationships with married men tell me that they have found their soul mate and that they can’t possibly live without them.

That, I am afraid, is bullshit.

Two people who are having an affair exist in a bubble. A bubble of sex and dinners out, maybe vacations, presents, words of love and affirmation.

What they don’t have our kids to manage, finances to worry about, in-laws to deal with, and those 1000 daily cuts. It is those things that truly make a relationship. Being able to work through the difficult stuff and still have the bubble stuff.

One of the major reasons to avoid having an affair with married men is that you won’t ever truly be in a relationship, and you will forgo the chance of finding one.

#3 – His wife probably isn’t as bad as he says.

I know – I am sure that every married man’s wife is a total bitch.

She doesn’t have sex with him. She doesn’t care about him. She is always bitching and moaning. He is perfect and just wants to be loved, but she makes it impossible.

Anyone who has ever been married knows that there is no one person at fault in a marriage. As time goes on, people become complacent, taking each other for granted. Little issues are ignored which can lead to resentment. People change in different ways and can become disconnected, which can kill a sex life.

Don’t believe it if your married man tells you that his wife is an ogre and that he is an angel. It’s just not true. She is just a woman in the world, doing her best.

#4 – He is a cheater.

If there was ever a reason to avoid having an affair with a married man, it is this one – you are in a relationship with someone who is a cheater. And a liar.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. His wife discovered it. He promised my client that he was going to leave his wife, he just needed to find the right time to do it. He told her this for a year.

Finally, the wife said that he could go. She could tell he was unhappy, and she didn’t want that. What did my client’s boyfriend do? He stayed. He said that it wasn’t the right time to leave.

The whole time he had promised her that he would leave, and he was lying. He might have even been back to having intimacy with his wife. He was lying and cheating on both of them!

So, know that a married man who is willing to cheat isn’t one that you can trust for any sort of long-term relationship.

#5 – You will fall in love with him.

Many people go into affairs believing that it will just be about sex. That they will be able to have it once or twice, get it out of their system, and move on.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Scientists from Rutgers University used scans to monitor the brain activity of 30 women during orgasm. What they learned, among other things, is that an orgasm produced oxytocin, a feel-good chemical. For some reason, it produces more oxytocin for women than for men, leading women to become attached to the man in a big way.

And this will happen to you. Have sex with your married man, follow it up with some cuddling and words of affection, and, boom, you will be hooked.

I can promise you – this will happen!

#6 – You will only be lonely.

One thing that I learned while having an affair with a married man is that I was always lonely.

Except for those times, he could make time for me, I was alone.

Because I had made myself always available to him for those last-minute visits, my friends had stopped asking me to hang out because I always said no. As a result, while waiting around for him to be free, I was alone. And sad.

Furthermore, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc. I was alone. He was always with his family, enjoying family activities. I was alone.

So know that unless you want to spend tons of time alone, hating yourself, you should avoid having an affair with a married man.

#7 – You will lose yourself.

Before I met my married man, I was in a great place.

I had just moved to NYC, and was building a successful business, I was happy and felt really good about myself. I am guessing that is what made him attracted to me.

A year in, I was a shell of the person I had been.

A year of knowing that what I was doing was wrong, of never being the priority, of having been on the receiving end of countless broken promises, had worn me down.

My self-esteem was shot, I was unhealthy and couldn’t focus on anything.

All of my clients find some version of this happens to them when they go down the road of having an affair with a married man. They totally lose themselves, and it feels horrible.

#8 – You won’t find a real relationship.

You want to find your person, correct? You want to have a healthy, happy relationship and build a life with someone, right?

Well, that won’t happen if you are having an affair with a married man.

Why? Because you will spend all of your time and energy on him, being there for him, and you won’t have the time or energy to date.

And, if you can find the time and energy to date, hoping to find someone so that you have the strength to leave your lover, your heart won’t really be in it because you will be pining away for your married man.

And this could set you up to never find the relationship that you want!

#9 – You will be ashamed.

If you are currently having an affair with a married man, be honest. Do you wake up every morning happy to greet the day, knowing that you are a good person in the world?

Probably not.

We are all raised to ‘do the right thing’, and one of those things is to not engage in infidelity. Furthermore, we never want to disrespect another woman for any reason, much less have an affair with her husband.

Doing these things – not doing the right thing or betraying another woman, among other things – are going to leave someone having an affair with a married man feeling really, really bad about themselves.

They know that what they are doing is wrong. They want to get out of it and can’t. And they have way too much free time to sit around, judging themselves for their actions.

Do you want to feel this way? Probably not. Avoiding an affair with married men would be the best way to prevent that from happening!

#10 – He is not your soulmate.

I know, I know. You, and your affair partner, are sure that you are each other’s soulmates.

I mean, no one gets you as they do, and it feels like you have known them for many lifetimes. How can you not go down the road to an affair with someone who is your soulmate? It is meant to be, after all!

Well, chances are, you are just two people in the world who share similar sensibilities and who have a chemical attraction. As time goes on and the affair becomes toxic, you just might begin to see it and wonder how you got on this path.

And, if you truly believe that he is your soulmate, let me share this idea with you.

A character in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Eat Pray Love,’ states that he believes that your soulmate is not someone you should share your life with because it would be too messy. What a soulmate does is come into your life, shake things up, wake you up, and then move on so that you can start living the life you are meant to lead. Or get you on the path to doing so.

Either way, another reason not to have an affair with a married man is that, no matter how much you believe it to be, this man who is cheating on his wife and breaking his promises to you is not your soulmate.

How could he be?

Perhaps you are one of those people who think that it’s easy to avoid having an affair with married men.

I mean, it is, after all, wrong, disrespectful, and toxic.

But, for many reasons, many people find themselves on the slippery slope of having an affair with a married man. And many of them go into it totally ignorant of why they do it and what it means.

So, if you are considering getting involved with a married man, know that, ultimately, the affair will most likely chew you up, spit you out and leave you a disaster.

Go find yourself a single guy instead. Even if they aren’t, ultimately, the right person for you, at the very least, they won’t be the wrong one from the get-go.

Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships Even if They Know They Should Leave

/by


 

I recently read a headline about a woman who was abused who had been killed by her husband.

He said it was an accident but, as the police investigated, they learned that her husband had been abusing her for years.

When I discussed what happened with some of my clients, many of them, while they pitied her, wondered why she didn’t leave her husband when he abused her.

The answer, I am afraid, is not a simple one. There are many reasons why women stay, many of them sometimes insurmountable.

Here are 15 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave so that we can all understand why they do so that we can show them compassion and not judgement.

Knowing these reasons might also help you see why you might be staying in a toxic relationship so that you can have some clarity about what next steps might be for you.

#1 – They are afraid to be alone.

One of the top reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid to be alone. They are afraid that they will be lonely. They are afraid that they will struggle to take care of themselves. They are afraid that they will lose their friends and their social group.

One of the reasons that we all subject ourselves to online dating is because we don’t want to be alone. We want someone to share our lives with.

When we have a bird in hand, someone we are in a relationship with, it’s hard to let it go because then we will have to start all over again. Who wants to do that?

#2 – They think no one will ever love them again.

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me, I was sure that I would never love or be loved again.

I believed that, if he left me, there was no chance that anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was incredibly insecure about myself and truly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Of course, I found a new boyfriend pretty quickly, this being high school and all, but the fear that I never would stayed with me and led me to staying in relationships that weren’t good for me later on in my life.

#3 – They believe that everything is their fault.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they believe that everything that happens is their fault.

Many abusive men (or women) who are abusive are gaslighters. They go out of their way to convince their partners that everything that is wrong in their relationship is their fault.

That if the woman didn’t do this certain thing, everything would just be fine.

That if she didn’t leave the bread on the counter but instead put it away, he wouldn’t have to yell at her.

That if she didn’t flirt with the car repair guy, he wouldn’t have to knock her around.

If she could just keep the kids quiet during the football game, he wouldn’t have to berate her for being a bad mom.

Because a woman in an abusive relationship believes that everything is her fault, she just doesn’t believe that things would be any different in another relationship, so she stays.

#4 – Those moments of happiness between abuse.

Every abusive relationship has those moments of joy. Those moments when everyone is being nice to everyone and feeling loved. And, often, because abusive relationships usually involve heightened emotions, in both directions, those moments are GOOD!

It is those moments, and the moments that they remember from the beginning of the relationship, that lead women to stay in abusive relationships. They want to believe that they can, in fact, be happy in it, because sometimes they truly are.

#5 – They are financially dependent on their abuser.

Another top reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are financially dependent on their partners.

Whether they don’t work or whether they don’t have enough money to survive on their own, leaving just isn’t an option because they can’t afford it.

#6 – Their abuser won’t let them leave.

This happens a lot to women who are in abusive relationships.

Sarakay Smullens, in his abstract, “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy,” notes that “the abuser will become enmeshed, or completely absorbed, with their partner. They will become afraid to let the partner leave and will be overly protective. They will flower their partner with gifts, love, and praise.â€

Quite simply, men who are abusers need their partners to stay because they need to maintain power and control and to not be able to do that is inconceivable.

#7 – They were abused as children.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they had difficult relationships with their parents.

In early childhood, hopefully, one has a relationship with one’s parents that is loving and nurturing. If that kind of relationship exists, their emotional needs are met, and their attachment styles are healthy.

If someone does not have a nurturing relationship with their parents but rather a neglectful, even abusive, one, women will develop an unhealthy attachment style, one that will lead them into abusive relationships as an adult.

To those kinds of people, abuse is the norm, not the exception, and so they stay.

#8 – They are trauma bonded.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, “trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.â€

Breaking the cycle of trauma bonding is incredibly difficult without professional help, so unless women recognize that they are trauma bonded, they tend to think what is happening is the norm, and they stay.

#9- The kids.

This one is very obvious. They stay because of the children.

For mothers, the instinct to protect their children is primal. They will do whatever they need to do to keep them alive.

Unfortunately, this might mean staying in an abusive relationship to keep their kids from growing up in a broken family or in poverty.

They also want to make sure that they can protect their kids from the abuse and so they stay to make sure they can do this.

Of course, exposing kids to an abusive father will only set them up for attachment issues when they are adults, so staying is, most often, counterproductive.

#10- They want to fix their abuser.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t believe that she can fix a damaged man.

That if she just loves him enough, he will change, and they will be happy.

Unfortunately, no one changes unless they truly want to. No amount of love will stop a man from being abusive, and staying to try to change them will never work.

#11 – They have no support.

For many women who have been abused, their abuser gets between them and their family and friends. As a result, these women feel completely isolated and believe that they will have no support if they leave the relationship.

Furthermore, resources to help abused women are not available to everyone so knowing how to leave, even if you want to, might be out of reach.

#12 – They have no place to go.

Just like being financially dependent on someone, so women who are being abused might be reliant on their abuser to keep a roof over their heads.

Their survivor instinct might be willing to put up with anything to keep themselves, and their kids, warm and dry.

Again, women’s shelters might be few and far between, and, if they are accessible, hard to get into. This would lead a woman to stay as she has no other options.

#13 – They have no self-respect.

One of the saddest things about women who are in abusive relationships is that the pattern of abuse has destroyed their self-esteem.

Being on the receiving end of words of derision, of physical violence, of being told that everything is their fault, leads women to feel worse and worse about themselves.

As a result, they don’t believe that they would be able to survive without their abuser. That they would never be loved again. That they only deserve what they have now.

And so, they stay, not believing that they deserve to be treated better and be happy.

#14 – They don’t believe that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a toxic situation, it’s hard to see clearly what is going on.

Abuse can show up in different ways. Abuse can be physical, it can be emotional and verbal, it can be sexual, and it can involve gaslighting.

For many women, they believe that physical abuse is the only thing that categorizes abuse and they don’t see that being on the receiving end of verbal or sexual abuse might not be okay. And so, they stay.

#15 – They are afraid.

The final, and perhaps most obvious, reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

They are afraid that their husband will hurt them, a reasonable fear considering the abuse they have been subjected to over the years.

They are afraid they will be poor. They are afraid that their friends and family won’t believe that they have been abused. They are afraid their children will suffer.

It is natural human instinct to not do things that we are scared of. In ancient times, this fear kept us alive. In more modern times, fear is something that keeps us in the line of fire instead of safely out of it.

So, there you go – why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave.

From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why a woman might stay in an abusive relationship but now I hope you see why they might.

No one is immune from an abusive relationship – they happen across all socio-economic lines. The stereotypes that we see from TV and movies aren’t necessarily accurate – it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse as well.

It’s important to recognize if you, or someone you love, might be in an abusive relationship so that you can figure out how to take next steps to get out of it.

Here is a resource to help you, or your loved one, learn more about abuse in relationships and what your options are.

You can do it!

 

When Happiness Fades Away: 10 Signs You’re Unhappy in Your Relationship

/by


 

Did you wake up this morning dreading the day and wondering why?

Did you grab a coffee and your phone and settle in to ask Google why you might be feeling this way?

Was one of your questions to the Oracle, Am I unhappy in my relationship?

If you are reading this article, I am guessing perhaps yes!

The image that people have of an unhappy relationship often involves two people who fight all the time and hate each other. And while that can be true, there are more indicators that you are in an unhappy relationship, ones that are more subtle and harder to spot.

What are they? Let me share.

Here are 10 ways to know if you’re in an unhappy relationship so that you can figure out why you are waking up in the morning feeling hopeless in your relationship.

#1 – You would rather do anything with anyone than spend time with them.

So, be honest. What has your social life looked like these past few weeks?

Are you spending time with your partner, doing things that you have always enjoyed doing together? Or are you spending time with someone else, anyone else, so that you don’t have to hang out with your significant other?

And, if you aren’t spending so much time with your partner, how do you feel about that?

Do you feel sad because you miss them? Are you relieved because spending time with them is not fun? Are you feeling guilty because you know that things should be different?

If you would rather do anything with anyone instead of spending time with your partner, you might very well be in an unhappy relationship!

#2 – You consider handing out your phone number to anyone who asks.

This is a bit of an exaggeration, I know. None of us would just hand out our phone numbers to anyone who asked.

That being said, have you been asked to share your phone number and considered giving it to someone? Perhaps someone you met at the gym who you have been admiring from afar?

Is this something that you would ever have considered doing when you were first with your partner, and you were happy? Probably not.

If someone has asked you for your phone number and you are thinking about giving it to them, you are most certainly not happy in your relationship.

#3 – You are staying at work way longer than usual.

Of course, we all work hard – harder than we should. The question is – are you working harder than usual?

Do you find that you are taking on more work, telling yourself that it will help you when promotion time comes around? Do you find that you are often still at your desk when your co-workers are long gone? Are you the first one in the office in the morning, working away?

If the answers to any of these questions are yes, consider why you might be suddenly taking this substantial interest in work. Is it because the work is so compelling or is it because you just don’t want to be at home?

If it’s the latter, then you are definitely in a relationship that is not thriving!

#4 – You suddenly take up running.

Have you recently taken up a new hobby? Are you immersing yourself in something that perhaps has never interested you before?

I have a client whose husband just left her. She was flummoxed because she thought things were so good. And then he left.

As we explored what had happened, she told me that, about a year ago, her husband had taken up running. He joined a running club and went for long runs with them every day. The group was very social, spending lots of time together between runs. He was drinking more than usual but had gotten very fit from all the running.

After talking the break up through, my client realized that after her husband started running, everything changed. They stopped spending time together, and the running club became more of his family. She didn’t see it at the time, but, in retrospect, she realized that her husband was very unhappy and, instead of leaving, had consumed himself with a hobby that would make him feel good!

#5 – You have nothing to say to each other yet fight about everything.

Is your house either silent or, when there is talking, it’s very loud and angry?

Do you find that you tiptoe around each, barely making eye contact, talking only about the most trivial things? Or do you find that, even over the smallest thing, you fight and that sometimes that fighting escalates in a big way?

Does the cycle of silence and yelling suck you dry? Do you just wish that you and your person could get along and enjoy each other the way you used to? Do you hate that this is the life that you are living?

I would definitely say that, if your house is not an enjoyable place to be, you are definitely in an unhappy relationship.

#6 – Your friends are all telling you how miserable you look.

People who are in happy relationships tend to glow.

They are in love, they have companionship, and they have finally found the relationship that they have always craved. They are happy, and it shows.

People who are in unhappy relationships sometimes just don’t look good. Their misery is literally written all over their face. Their face can be pale and wan. They might not be sleeping well, and there are bags under their eyes. They might have lost weight or looked puffy from crying.

And unfortunately, many people don’t notice when they aren’t looking well, especially when they are unhappy. Luckily, their friends often do.

Do your friends tell you that you are looking unhealthy? If yes, you might very well be miserable in your relationship.

#7 – You are getting sick.

I remember when I was unhappily married; I had so many physical ailments.

I developed lots of tummy problems. My back hurts always. I had terrible headaches, and I was in so much pain that we thought I had fibromyalgia.

My days were full of doctor’s offices, Advil and digestive enzymes. Try as I might, I couldn’t get better.

When my ex-husband and I got divorced, those ailments diminished greatly. My stomach problems and headaches disappeared and I started getting stronger. I was so surprised. I had no idea that my poor health was related to my unhappy marriage.

If you find that you are struggling with health problems, it might very well be because you are in a relationship that is sucking you dry.

#8 – You are lonely.

My sister, who recently got divorced, always said that she was lonely in her marriage.

She had a husband, who she loved, but who was never around. He worked 7 days a week and generally left before dawn and came back after dusk.

When he was in the house, he was barely present. He would come home, have a drink and fall asleep on the couch, watching TV. When he did have days off, he was tired and wasn’t interested in doing anything with her.

Try as she might, she just couldn’t engage him and as time went on, she found herself to be very lonely.

She didn’t understand it – how could she feel lonely when she was in a relationship?

When she got divorced, she understood why. She hasn’t yet found someone new, but she finds that, with no husband coming and going and ignoring her, she isn’t constantly being let down and feeling abandoned. And lonely.

How about you – are you lonely, even if you are in a relationship? If yes, know that you are not alone and, most likely, very unhappy!

#9 – You are feeling bad about yourself.

For many people who are in long-term unhappy relationships, they start to feel bad about themselves.

They blame themselves for the problems in their relationships. Perhaps their efforts to fix things aren’t working. Perhaps they are constantly feeling rejected. Perhaps they feel that, if they leave, they are truly unlovable and will never be happy again.

If you are feeling bad about yourself and think that you are in an unhappy relationship, know that none of this is your fault. Of course, we all bear some responsibility for a relationship that isn’t going well but it’s never any one person’s fault.

#10 – You only feel contempt for your partner.

This one is a key sign that you are in an unhappy relationship – if you feel only contempt for your person.

That everything that they do annoys you and that you don’t hesitate to let them know.

That you give them the silent treatment if they upset you or berate them for something they do wrong.

That, instead of having healthy adult communication, you find yourself sulking and treating your person like they are the cause of all that is wrong in the world.

Do you find that you look at your partner and feel nothing but contempt? Do you have no respect for them and treat them that way? If the answer is yes, you are unhappy in your relationship, and it’s definitely time to move on, for both of you!

So there you are, 10 ways to know if you are in an unhappy relationship so that you can recognize whether or not your daily despair is a result of your love life or if it’s something else.

Know that we all get into unhappy relationships, and it’s rarely any one person’s fault. The key is to, once you have identified the state of your relationship, get out of it ASAP if it’s an unhappy one!

I know that you might be scared that, if you walk away, you will never love or be loved again but I can promise you that, if you get the strength to walk away, you will find that love you seek. The only way you won’t is if you stay, hoping for things to get better.

Do what you have to do to be happy! You can do it!

10 Psychological Facts About Cheating That Might Surprise You

/by


 

If you are considering an affair or have a partner who is cheating on you, you might have assumptions about what an affair is.

You might believe that it’s all about sex and connection and fancy vacations and love and travel and all of those sexy things that are so appealing. So appealing that people are drawn into affairs.

But there is so much more to affairs than sex and romance. They are way more messy than you might think.

Why? Because of the negative effect that an affair can have on one’s psyche. An effect that is so profound that it negates most of the pleasure of having an affair.

10 Psychological Facts about Cheating.

With that in mind, let me share with you 10 psychological facts about cheating that may surprise you so that you can know more about affairs as you process getting into an affair or dealing with the discovery that your spouse is cheating.

#1 – The guilt is overwhelming.

I know that it seems like affairs are all romance and sex – and they can be, to be sure. But affairs are, in fact, insidious things that can be destructive in many ways.

The number one psychological fact, one that might surprise you, is that people who cheat often suffer from an overwhelming amount of guilt about what they are doing.

We are all raised to believe that cheating on a partner is not ok. Beyond not ok. It’s one of the worst things that we can do in a relationship. And, when we are in an affair, we are going against everything that we have been taught.

By cheating, we are betraying our commitment to our partner. If we have kids, we are betraying them by doing exactly what we have taught them not to do. We are betraying our parents who raised us. We are betraying our friends and extended family by lying to them.

As a result, someone having an affair will struggle every day with debilitating guilt. Not so romantic and sexy, right?

#2 – The affair is addictive.

Scott Haltzman, psychiatrist and author of “The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity,” in his article for Brainworld.com, posits that affairs produce dopamine and serotonin, feel-good chemicals. When we no longer have these in long-term relationships, we crave them. Having an affair gets these chemicals flowing again, and we quickly get to the point that we don’t want to let them go.

Furthermore, I believe that one of the most compelling parts of an affair is that, when we are in it, we are no longer the person we are in regular life.

Instead of being a wife or a mother or an employee or a child, we are a man or a woman who truly feels.

We feel alive again. We feel young and flirty, and sexual. We feel many things that we haven’t felt for a very long time. And we LOVE this.

When we try to get out of an affair, we are also faced with letting go of this new person we are who has emerged because of this affair and this is often more than we can bear.

So, we stay in it, needing that feeling that we feel when we are with our affair partner. And that is hard to let go of – very addictive indeed.

#3 – Infidelity leads to self-hatred.

I mentioned before that people who are cheating are often suffering from extreme guilt because they are betraying those they love. But they are also letting themselves down.

I know that, when I was having an affair with a married man, I was not being the person I wanted to be in the world. Before I met him, I was single and happy and successful and ready to take on the world. Once I started down this road to infidelity, I started to lose who I was.

I spent my life focused on him. I let go of friends and family. I was obsessed that he leave his wife and his children and to do so tomorrow.

A year into it, I was a fraction of who I was at the beginning of the relationship.

And I hated myself for it. Deeply hated myself.

I sunk into a deep depression and it was only once the relationship finally ended that I could work to restore my self-esteem and find myself again.

#4 – Cheating allows us to ignore relationship issues.

One of the psychological facts about cheating that many people aren’t aware of is that affairs are a means for us to ignore problems that we are having in our primary relationships.

A client of mine was very unhappily married, and she had an affair. Her therapist told her that having the affair was satisfying her physical and emotional needs, and she no longer needed it from her marriage.

As a result, she stopped making any efforts to work on her unhappy marriage. She and her husband carried on as if nothing was happening while she had her affair partner and had all of her needs met.

#5 – Many cheaters are depressed already.

Another client of mine was struggling with depression when we first met. She felt horrible about who she was in the world, and this lack of self-respect led her to make questionable choices about her life.

One of those questionable decisions was to have an affair with someone she worked with.

This affair started for two reasons. The first was that her co-worker totally understood what it felt like to be depressed, and she was able to confide in him. The more she confided in him, the closer they got. This ultimately went down a slippery slope to having an affair.

The other reason that the depression led to the affair was that she wasn’t feeling good about herself, and because she wasn’t feeling good about herself, she made decisions that she might have made differently had she had self-confidence.

So know that depression is one most common reasons that people cheat and something that is often overlooked.

#6 – Many cheaters have commitment issues.

This is one psychological fact about cheating that many people are, in fact, aware of.

According to Wendy Rose Gould, writing for Verywellmind.com, fear of commitment can have a dramatic, toxic effect on relationships. These toxic effects can hurt a relationship and can cause people to cheat.

People who have commitment issues, for a variety of reasons, just can’t commit to anything – a job, a partner, a car or a place to live, and more.

So, they sell their car, get a new job and move, etc. Ideally, they would break up with their partner if they don’t want to commit, but, more often, they cheat.

And cheaters will continue to cheat because of these commitment issues unless they become aware of them and work to do something about them.

#7 – Opposites often attract, and that can be destructive.

An interesting thing about affair partners is how different they often are from each other.

When we choose a partner to share our life with, we tend to find someone who is like us or who complements us. Our morals and values and ways of doing things are aligned and, as a result, we can live a successful life with them.

In contrast, affair partners are often very different from each other. The old phrase ‘opposites attract’ is something that is very common in affairs.

And while this can be exciting for a while, ultimately, it can become very destructive.

Because of their different perspectives, the way they deal with their affair might clash. Someone who is more daring might want to tell everyone and blow up their world, while someone who is more cautious would go out of their way to keep this under wraps. As a result, the cheaters might turn against each other, and all hell might break loose.

#8 – That it’s not about sex.

Again, I know that it seems like affairs are all about sex, but they are not. Of course, there is a sexual component to every affair – chemistry is very hard to resist. But there is so much more to an affair than one might realize.

Most people don’t set out to have affairs. They just slip into them slowly. They meet someone, they become friends, they share the confidence, they spend time together. Gradually, the friendship blooms into something more, and unless they are cautious, it can turn into an affair.

Many people who have affairs have lots of sex at the beginning, but as the affair goes on, the sex dwindles, and it’s the personal connection that lingers. That connection began as a friendship.

So, know that affairs really aren’t about sex but about personal connection, which, in my opinion, can be harder to deal with.

#9 – Many cheaters have no impulse control.

For whatever reasons, many people who have affairs often have no impulse control.

They might have a hard time watching their eating or getting their work done on time. They might buy things on impulse without being concerned about cost. They might change their plans at the last minute to do something completely different.

And, when it comes to having an affair, the temptation is something that they just can’t resist.

They might recognize that getting into the affair is a bad idea and try to push back against it but ultimately, their lack of impulse control gets the best of them, and they start their affair.

#10 – Cheaters have to live with regret.

I don’t know one person who has cheated, myself included, who doesn’t live with a substantial amount of regret about what they did.

As I said, most people don’t seek out affairs – they just happen. Whether or not they did it knowingly, having done so they have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

Whether they have to carry the secret in private because no one else knows or whether they have wrecked their marriage or hurt their kids, someone who has had an affair will be filled with shame and wracked with regret.

Even if the affair is over, they will carry what happened with them, shamefully, until the end of their lives.

So, there you are – 10 psychological facts about cheating that might surprise you.

Again, cheating isn’t all about romance, love, and sex. There is an insidious side to every affair that causes pain (to everyone involved) and anguish and addiction, and lack of self-worth.

Know this as you move forward in your life, whether you might have had or are having an affair or if you are trying to recover your marriage after discovering your spouse has cheated.

This information might help you understand what cheating is all about just a little bit more so you can make a better decision about the next steps for you!

 

8 Things You Should Know About Having Sex With Your Ex Before You Do It

/by


 

For a long time, I have told people that having sex with an ex is a really bad idea.

After all, you broke up. Why would you want to revisit something that made you miserable?

What I have learned over the years, however, is quite different. That while having sex with our ex can be a bad idea, it also might be a very good one.

It really just depends on the situation.

With that in mind, I would like to share with you 8 things you should know about having sex with your ex so that you can decide whether it’s the right thing for you to do or if you should stay very far away.

First, the good reasons to have sex with your ex:

#1 – Sex with an ex can bring comfort.

For many people, letting go of someone we love can be very hard. We know that the relationship isn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still care about our person.

And, when we leave a relationship not because the love is gone but because we aren’t compatible, the loneliness that we feel after can be extreme.

The nice thing about having sex with your ex instead of going out and trying to find something new is that having sex with someone you know and love is way easier. You both know each other and what each other wants, and that takes the pressure off having to be with someone unfamiliar.

#2 – Sex with an ex might make sex exciting again.

For many people, having sex with someone they are no longer in a relationship with can be really exciting.

Instead of having ‘in a relationship sex,’ there is a certain something about having sex with someone you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that can be exciting.

Sometimes sex with an ex is a secret – which is enticing. Also, because you are no longer struggling in a bad relationship but just getting together because you want to, sex is only about good, fun sex – not complicated with baggage.

I broke up with the man I loved dearly but knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. A few months down the road, we ran into each other and fell into bed. The sex was AMAZING. So amazing that we continued doing so for a few months until we both found other people to have relationships with.

#3 – It will keep you from falling into a new relationship for the wrong reasons.

For many people, when they find themselves lonely after a breakup, they rush into a new relationship for the wrong reasons. They are lonely and horny and don’t want to be alone, so they try to make it work with someone who might not be right for them.

If you are having sex with your ex, you are filling that lonely, horny space, at least for a little while. As a result, you won’t have to compromise with someone you don’t want to be with. And you won’t waste someone else’s time when you do.

#4 – You can reconnect with someone you care about.

I had a guy I had dated a few times. The sex was REALLY good. We pretty much just went our own ways for no specific reason.

One day I was feeling really lonely and I texted him to see if he was single and horny. He got on his bike and pedaled 108 blocks, and we had an afternoon tryst.

While the sex in itself was great, what we did afterward was very fun too. We lay there, naked and sweaty, and talked about our lives and our kids. We caught up with each other after all those months apart.

This reconnection, while fun, didn’t make us want to get back together at all, but reconnecting for that day was great!

Second, the bad reasons to have sex with an ex:

#1 – You might only bring up more pain.

Did you and your ex have a horrible break up? Did one or the other of you hurt the other deeply? Did it take you a long time to get over it?

If your relationship ended badly, having sex with your ex could only bring back the pain that you felt so deeply.

Doing something as intimate as sex with someone who hurt you can bring up things that you tried to forget, to reconnect with the pain that they made you feel. And that is not good.

Ask yourself if it would be worth it to bring back that pain, to maybe have to start at square one with your healing. If not, having sex with your ex is a bad idea.

#2 – You might be hoping to get back together, only to be rejected.

Did your ex break up with you? Did you try and try and try to make the relationship work and to try to get them back after they ended it?

Are you considering having sex with them because you are hoping that they will remember how much they love you and want you back?

Let me promise you this – if your person doesn’t want to be with you, no amount of sex will bring them back. They will appreciate the opportunity to have sex with you but will also be perfectly happy to leave when they are done.

So, don’t kid yourself – having sex with your ex won’t bring them back to you.

#3 – It will hinder you moving on to find a new person.

One of the reasons that we get back out there after we have healed from a breakup is because we don’t want to be alone.

What we want more than anything is to find someone and build a life with them and be happy.

Having sex with your ex can prevent that from happening.

Why?

Because having sex with your ex might fill that empty space that you have, and you won’t feel the need to put yourself out there. Furthermore, you might find that having sex with them makes you start having feelings for them again, feelings that might be complicated if you meet someone new.

So, if you are going to have sex with your ex, go into it knowing that doing so might keep you from finding someone from whom you can get love and sex!

#4 – Sex without love might make you just feel more alone.

I know that when I had sex with the ex who I broke up with even though I still loved him, when it was over and I went home I was often plunged into depression and loneliness.

Instead of processing and getting past the break up so I could move on, I found myself reconnected to him every time I went over there. I knew that I didn’t want to be with him, but spending time with him, laughing and being intimate, felt great. Going home to a lonely house was just not fun.

So, know that having sex with your ex just might make you feel lonelier than you do right now!

I hope now that you see that sex with your ex can be a good thing and a bad thing.

On the most basic level, before you consider having sex with an ex, ask yourself why you want to do this.

If you want to do it for the connection and the comfort, knowing that you are doing it not to get back together but to keep you from moving on too quickly, then these are good reasons that might only make you feel great.

But, if you are doing this because you are hoping to get your person back because they are the only person for you, know that having sex with them is a really bad idea, one that will only cause you more pain and loneliness.

So, take your time before you do this – make sure it’s for the right reasons!

You can do it!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin