5 Ways To Get Your Life Together After Divorce

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Are you wondering how to get your life together after divorce?

Is the life that you once led, the one that you knew so well, suddenly completely gone and do you have no idea what to do next?

Let me help!

Getting divorced can be devastating but it doesn’t have to be life ending. Getting divorced is something that you will survive but you need to take it day by day, one step at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

The first step towards living the life you want is learning how to get your life together after divorce. If you can lay a good foundation for your new life, one that is very different from your married one, you can then build on top of it and create the life you want.

Here are 5 key ways to get your life together after divorce so that you can move forward and live your best life.

#1 – Keep your divorce papers close.

Even though your divorce is final, it is very important that you keep all of the paperwork around your divorce close by.

To that end, it is essential that you create a filing system that will work for you to manage that paperwork. Keep your final divorce agreement, a name change document and any other documents that you have related to your divorce in a place where they won’t get lost and where you can get to them easily.

Your divorce might be final but there are plenty of times over the next few years that you might need that paperwork. You might need them if you are applying for a mortgage or filing your taxes or changing your credit card account information. And if you don’t have the info close by you could be in trouble.

I have been divorced for 6 years but still find that I need my paperwork. This Christmas I bought my airplane tickets and, by mistake, the tickets were purchased in my married name. I discovered this the night before we travelled and, in order to change the name on the ticket, I had to provide the official name change documentation.

Thank goodness I had it in my file drawer so that I could send it to the airline. It still took me 5 hours on hold with the airlines to get the name changed but get it changed I did!

So, keep all of the paperwork related to your divorce in one place, a place you won’t forget and have easy access to.

#2 – Don’t ignore your finances.

Every divorce leads to some sort of financial upheaval and making sure you have a clear understanding of what your finances look like is super important if you are going to get your life together after divorce.

So, first off, review all financial documentation that you have bank accounts, mortgage accounts, credit card accounts, brokerage accounts, trusts, IRAs, etc. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of your assets, both liquid and fixed.

Next, pull together an accounting of your expenses your mortgage, your car payments, your tuition payments, your grocery expenses, your kids after school costs, etc. Whatever it is that you spend money on. Once you have all of your assets and expenses pulled together then it’s time to make a financial plan for your future.

How much money you can spend monthly, what you can put away for savings, what things might need to get adjusted to fit the new financial situation? If your financial documents are all Greek to you, as they were to me, then spend the money and hire a good financial manager who can help you figure out what your money situation is.

A thorough understanding of your financial picture will help you get your life together after divorce and make you feel safe and secure.

#3 – Identify where you will need help.

When I got divorced, one of the biggest losses for me was that I no longer had someone living with me who knew how to work power tools, trouble shoot computers and manage our taxes.

For 20 years I had relied on my husband to fix things around the house, to deal with the computer (and other technology) when things went awry and to manage the taxes each year. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I didn’t want a divorce was because I didn’t want to deal with doing those things. Suddenly I was alone and I had to figure out how to deal with things that I had no idea how to manage.

So, what did I do? I learned how to use some tools on my own basic tools so that I could do simple things around the house. But. more importantly, I found a handyman who I could rely on to come help me if I needed help. Someone who could do all the little things that my husband used to do that I couldn’t do on my own.

As for technology, I learned that you could Google almost anything and find a You Tube video that would explain how to fix things. I also found a guy in town willing to help me if I couldn’t figure it out on my own.

And finally, for what worried me most, taxes, I hired a tax guy. Every year, in January, he sends me a worksheet of things that I need to pull together so that he can do my taxes for me in April. I gather everything together and send them to him and he does my taxes for me. It costs me some money but it is totally worth it for my piece of mind, knowing that my taxes are done and done properly.

So, take an inventory of what you will need to do around your house and figure out what you can do to get those things done. You can either set out to learn how to do them yourself or hire someone to do them for you. Either way, make a plan so you aren’t caught off guard by a broken pipe or a disabled modem.

And, conquering a drill or a clogged pipe will make you feel damn good and will make you believe that you truly can get your life together after a divorce.

#4 – Start exploring.

So, for however many years, you have a been a wife, and maybe a mother. And, I am guessing that in that period of time your life has become rather small.

When we are single, the sky is the limit as far as what we can do with our life. We can move across country, travel the world, change jobs when we feel like it, sleep in on Saturday or wake up at the crack of dawn for a run. Whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it.

Married life is different. When we are married, our lives join our spouse’s and the things we do naturally become aligned. As a result, our world can narrow.

If you want to move across country but your spouse doesn’t, you probably won’t. What you have for dinner, where you travel, what time you wake up, are all delicately navigated areas, ones where the couple must work together to make sure that everyone is satisfied.

And, as we settle into relationships, we establish routines, comfortable things that we do regularly over the course of our week. Maybe it is Friday night Pad Thai, binging some show on Saturday, softball on Tuesday evenings and Thanksgiving with his folks. Habits.

Habits are not a bad thing- they are a comfortable part of being in a couple. But, now that you aren’t in one, you can do whatever the hell you want!

So, what do you want to do now that you are single?

When I got divorced I explored things large and small. I conquered driving in a snow storm and riding a jet ski. I learned out to use a drill. I bought flannel sheets for my bed. I moved to NYC. I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and to the top of Macchu Pichu.

And I had fun!

I am in a relationship now and my life has gotten smaller again (which is not a bad thing) but I am glad that I had those years of doing what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to.

#5 – Create a support system.

This final piece of how to get your life together after divorce is a key piece.

When we are married, we tend to focus on our nuclear family. No matter how unhappy we are, in general it is mom and dad and the kids. Chores are divided, activities are attended, meals are eaten and discussions are had.

Now that you are divorced, you will find that that the other person who was usually in bed with you in the morning and at the dinner table at night will be gone. It will be just you and the kids or, even worse, just you.

Making sure that you have a support system is a key part of surviving a divorce. Do you have friends and family who you can rely on? Do you have a therapist or life coach who understands you and can help you manage your emotions? Are you involved in activities with people you enjoy being with? Is work someplace where you can feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities?

If the answer to any or all of the questions above is NO then it’s time to get out there and find yourself a support system.

Getting started with this second act of your life will be very hard and doing it alone will make it almost impossible. So, pick up the phone and call some friends or family, make sure you see your therapist regularly, get out of the house and try new things and do things every day that make you feel good about yourself.

Trying to figure out how to get your life together after divorce is very brave. And very smart.

Those of us who find ourselves newly divorced have entered new, untrodden territory — territory we have no idea how to manage. And, when we are in a situation we don’t know how to manage, knowing first steps is a great to getting it all under control.

So, make sure that you know where all of your divorce paperwork is at all times, get your finances in order, figure out where to get help managing the small stuff, start exploring life and get a support system in place to help you when times get rough.

Being divorced doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, I am here to tell you that ten years later I am so much happier with myself and my place in the world than I was when I was married.

I do look back at me ten years ago and wished that I knew how to better navigate that first year after my divorce. If I knew more I might have skipped over some of the growing pains that I experienced out in the new world on my own.

So, get yourself together. Spend the time and money necessary to get it done so that you can go forwards, living your best life, knowing that you have it all (well, most of it at least) under control.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Things That Seem Like Red Flags But Are Actually Green Ones

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How can there possibly be things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones? I mean, red flags are red flags, right?

Actually, maybe not!

If there is one common theme in all of my coaching calls its to watch out for red flags in a new partner.

You know red flags, those things that pop up and make you pause and wonder if something is amiss if you should still continue moving forward in this relationship in spite of them.

What I have come to learn recently is that things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of someone who is ready for a relationship!

How did I learn this? First hand.

My boyfriend had a lot of red flags when I met him and, as we tend to do, I ignored them. I figured that he would change or I could fix him or that I would adapt because I wanted to be with him.

And, for once, ignoring those red flags was a good thing because here I am, five years later, with the most amazing man.

Here are 5 things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones, things that actually ended up being signs that he was perfect boyfriend material!

#1 – Their strong attachment to their mother.

I have written before about mama’s boys and how having a relationship with them can be challenging. I still believe this but I also know now that there is a flip side to this coin.

When I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home 5 minutes away. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday nights. Yes, two weekend nights, every week!

When I learned about this, I thought it would be deal breaker. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with his mom two weekend nights and I believed that he would always choose her over me. I did not want or need either of those things!

My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. And the times that I wanted to stay home, he was fine with it, and if I really wanted him not to go, he wouldn’t.

So, if your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother, don’t let it end things. Give it time and learn more.

#2 – Their lack of ambition.

When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things that I asked him was what was his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to?

I mean, I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his.

When I asked him, my boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. I don’t have one, he said. Oh boy, I thought, this is the end of this relationship.

This is an example of things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones.

What I have learned from my boyfriend is the importance of living in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what is next, my boyfriend focuses on the here and now. He loves his work and does it well but it is not the focus of his life. He likes to work on cars and build things out of wood. He likes to ski and hike and look at the sunset.

My ex-husband was extremely ambitious and I found it very appealing but now I realize that he is my ex for a reason. Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel always striving to be more successful and make more money, is a wonderful thing.

With him I have lived more in the past 5 years than I did in the previous 50, because I stopped trying to get ahead of wherever I was instead of just being here with him.

So, if your person doesn’t seem ambitious and it looks like a deal breaker, pause and do some more investigating. Of course, there are people in whom a lack of ambition is a negative but it does not always have to be that way!

#3 – Their lack of experience with love.

We life coaches always pause when someone tells us that they have just met someone who hasn’t been in many relationships. Why? Because with each relationship, and each break up, we learn something.

With each relationship, we learn what we want and need. We learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. We learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight.

We also can learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on.

My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had had a few relationships in his 20s but that was it. And I was sure that this was one of those things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones!

For many of us who are on the post-divorce dating circuit, we find that we meet people who have LOTS of baggage. People who have been so drained by marriage and divorce and disappointment and broken hearts that they struggle to trust or be vulnerable. Who go into new relationships very gingerly because they are petrified of being hurt again.

Because my boyfriend had had so few relationships, he had never had his heart broken. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak. It caused him relief.

As a result, I have a boyfriend who came into this relationship with an open heart. I called him a babe in the woods because every new phase of our relationship filled him with wonder.

I was very damaged by my marriage and I had developed (terrible) habits in relationships to prevent myself from getting hurt. Those habits pushed a lot of guys away after my divorce. But this guy wasn’t that way. He recognized those habits for what they were and he wasn’t triggered by them. He truly wanted to help me work through them because he loved me.

No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed. Why? Because he still trusted love because his heart had never been broken. It was an amazing thing to witness. I am so very lucky.

So, if your person hasn’t been in a lot of relationships, it might be one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones. You could very well find out that your babe in the woods might be just the person you need to help you let go of your baggage and be happy!

#4 – They are too easy going.

I am 100% a Type A person. I like to always be in charge of what I am doing and where I am going. I plan ahead, make contingency plans, get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for me.

I have always attracted other Type A people. My ex-husband was very much like me we made a plan for everything. And together we were very stressed out!

My boyfriend is SO not like that. My boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and car videos and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold – he just is.

And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. BUT, because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful!

I never thought I would be able to put up with someone who goes with the flow but it has ended up being the best thing in the world for me because he demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy.

What a relief!

#5 – They more more into you than you are to them.

We have all been there having met someone who likes us way more than we like them. And, for many of us, because we like the bad boys not the nice ones, the ones who actually want to treat us with kindness and respect make us want to bolt.

If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday night, keep that guy.

Niceness is not a red flag. Niceness is one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

I know that niceness might seem like it would be boring, not a challenge, but, the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before. You know – different from the people who are now your exes!

In most relationships, there is always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who seems more into you then you are to them, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future.

So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did!

I know that we all look for things that are red flags in a relationship but I would encourage to recognize some things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

Every relationship is different and every dynamic is different so don’t do a hard stop when a red flag gets raised. Pause for a moment, consider that the red flag is there, and why, and then reassess. Might it be time to explore this issue a little more before ending things?

I am so thankful every day that when I met this kind man who was calm and open and hardworking and who adored me. I was in a place where I was willing to open my heart to him and not run at the first sign of something that was amiss.

So, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for red flags, always. Some of them should not be ignored being ghosted, treated with contempt, lied to, cheated on etc but there are those that might be considered green flags, at least yellow flags, ones that should maybe slow you down for a bit, ones that will you look both ways before you proceed! Safely.

5 Reasons to Stay Away from Someone Who Has Cheated Before

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There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before.

I am sure that the person you have met seems amazing, and they might even be so, but if they have cheated before it is a HUGE red flag, one that should not be ignored.

Of course, not everyone who has cheated will cheat again but knowing the reasons why staying away from someone who has cheated before will help you determine if you want to take the risk with this new relationship or walk away before you get hurt!

#1 – They might struggle with commitment.

Someone who has cheated before is someone who very well might be afraid of commitment.

Perhaps they have been hurt before. Perhaps their parents set a bad example. Perhaps they aren’t sure of themselves in the world and struggle in relationships. Perhaps they have trust issues.

Whatever the reason, many people who cheat have issues that make it very hard for them to commit to someone. As a result, once they start getting close to someone, they get scared and so they cheat. They cheat to push their person away before they need to commit to them.

I have a client who has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She so wants to be in a relationship but she just doesn’t know how to be in a healthy one. When someone gets too close and makes her feel vulnerable, she cheats. Once she cheats, she can leave the relationship and not have to put her happiness at risk.

My client does this, I believe, because she has abandonment issues from her dad leaving when she a child. She truly believes that any man she loves will leave her. As a result, when they start to get too close, she cheats. Instead of breaking up with them, she cheats so that they will break up with her.

Ironically, this pattern ultimately makes her feel more abandoned because, even though she strayed, ultimately those men do leave her. She is left in this cycle of pain that she can’t break.

She is working with me to let go of those patterns but she is someone who I would caution anyone about getting into a relationship with. She would agree with me there, at least for the time being while she does her work.

#2 – Cheating is a coping mechanism.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don’t necessarily think that is always true. Some who has cheated before might see the destruction that an affair can cause, to all parties, and, as a result, they might be resolved to never cheat again.

For some people, though, cheating is an escape from their life. Much like alcohol, cheaters use cheating as a coping mechanism for their unhappiness. And, once they start, they can’t stop. They get addicted to the way that they feel when they are in the highs of an affair. When they can step out of their miserable life and, for a few hours at least, be desired and have orgasms.

I have a friend who doesn’t mean to be a cheater but he just is. He meets someone, gets involved with them and he is happy. But then life gets in the way. He struggles at work, can’t get ahead on his bills, doesn’t see his kids enough and has a bad back. He no longer drinks so he doesn’t have that coping mechanism. As a result, to manage his pain and frustration, he cheats.

He loves being out on the prowl, finding someone he is interested, flirting and being flirted with. He loves to be desired and he loves the orgasms. After a night of this, he goes home, feeling somewhat less stressed out, at least until the next time.

So, if you are with someone who has cheated before, especially if it’s more than once, just know that cheating might be a coping mechanism for them, and not a healthy one at that!

#3 – They might have left over issues with their ex.

I have a client whose husband left her after having an affair.

He left her, moved in with this person and ultimately married them. They have been together now eight years and, try as they might, she and her husband just don’t get along.

She still has a lot of anger about how things went down. They weren’t happily married but she was hoping that they could work on things and, if they couldn’t fix things, they could agree to get divorced and life would go on. It didn’t work that way, however. He betrayed her and embarrassed her to the world with his affair.

As for him, I believe that he still struggles with the guilt of what he did. As a result, he is always angry with her. He won’t take responsibility for his behavior and it’s much easier to blame her, because she was a bad wife, she ignored him etc.

So, because of the affair, my client and her ex still have a contentious relationship, one that definitely interferes with both of their new relationships.

This, I believe, is a huge reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before to make sure that your relationship isn’t influence by negative outside energy that is the result of the infidelity.

#4 – They might have impulse control issues.

Another reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because they might have impulse control issues.

Many people say that having an affair is a choice. And, yes, I agree with this. For some people, however, it is harder to resist having an affair because they struggle with impulse control.

They might be the kind of person who drinks too much, who can’t eat ice cream, who spends hours glued to Netflix instead of getting their work done. They do want to do things differently but, because they struggle to control their behaviors, they just can’t.

People who cheat are often people who easily give into their impulses, impulses that can be very destructive. Even if they aren’t having an affair, someone who can’t control their drinking can seriously impact a relationship. Someone who can’t control their eating will damage their health. And someone who can’t stop watching TV could lose their job.

So, it’s not just resisting the impulse to cheat. Someone who has cheated before could very likely go down some other avenue with their impulses that could cause havoc in your relationship.

#5 – Because you might never trust them.

One of the most important reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because, knowing that they have cheated, it might be hard to ever trust them. And being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust will only lead to pain and self-doubt.

I have a client who got involved with someone who cheated. She told herself that he was such a good guy and that he would never do that again. As the relationship went on, she started to suspect that he might be doing so. She didn’t address it directly but instead snooped around for signs or proof that he might be doing so.

As time went on and she continued to believe that he was cheating, she started feeling worse and worse about herself. She told herself that if he was cheating, he must have found someone better than her. That wasn’t good enough for anyone. And that she really couldn’t blame him because she was such a loser.

Ironically, he wasn’t cheating but, because he had cheated before, when he started to pull away a bit, she went right down the to the dark side, believing that, because he had cheated before, he would cheat again. And down she went, into darkness and despair.

Because she didn’t trust him, she started to doubt herself. Ultimately the relationship ended and she was devastated.

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated.

Again, not everyone who has cheated cheats again but we want to be very careful before we go down the path of being with someone who waves a red flag like that one.

People who cheat might have problems with commitment and they might have impulse control issues. They might be a serial cheater who just can’t stop. They might have issues with their ex, which could interfere with the health of their relationship. And, without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you are going to take the risk and date someone who has cheated, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you have any concerns, tell them. Ask them to be honest with you. If you can talk about the past infidelity and address any signs that it might be happening again, you can stop it in its tracks before it causes more damage than it already has!

You can do this!

5 Things To Do If Your Ex Reaches Out To Not Harm Your Recovery

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I know that it can feel really good when your ex reaches out. I mean, they left you behind and here they are, wanting to be in contact again.

But, I can tell you that, when your ex reaches out, there are so many opportunities for things to go bad, even if it feels great at first.

Perhaps they beg for you back, only to leave you. Perhaps you have sex with them, only to have them disappear again. Perhaps they make you promises that they don’t keep, just like last time.

And you are left, right back where you started: broken hearted!

Luckily, there are things that you can do if your ex reaches out to not sabotage your recovery. Here are five of them!

#1 – Don’t engage. Period.

The number one most important thing to do if your ex reaches out is to not engage AT ALL.

That means no responding to see what they want. That means no responding so that you can finally get closure. That means no responding as friends. That means no responding even if they were the last person on earth.

Why? Because if we crack the door open even a little bit, our ex can push it open and place themselves squarely back in our life.

I have a client whose ex of four weeks texted her recently. Her ex was buzzed and saw some Instagram posts of her having fun and suddenly decided that he missed her and reached out.

And my client? She was thrilled, conflicted, intrigued and lonely. So, what did she do? She responded.

Two hours later she was at his house, seeking closure, and they ended up having sex. The next day he told her that, if they were going to get back together, they would have to take things slow. (RED FLAG alert!)

The day after that, he was only texting sporadically and soon making excuses for why they couldn’t get together. And my client? Left broken hearted, again!

So, don’t engage if your ex reaches out. Don’t let them back in. Period.

(Side note: I believe that closure is a myth. I believe that it is just an excuse to spend more time with your ex to see if you can talk them into staying. Think about it am I wrong?)

#2 – Take stock of why they are your ex.

Whenever my clients are going through a break up recovery, I encourage them to take stock of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. The red flags that they saw and ignored. The way their ex made them feel. The things their ex did that upset them. You know, those thousand little cuts that hurt every day.

Why? Because, after we break up with someone and we don’t feel those the thousand little cuts every day, we tend to forget what was wrong with the relationship, the things that were a part of it’s break-up..

By taking written stock of the things that were not okay, my clients have a tool to use when their exes reach out  a list of all of the things that made them miserable. This tool is so much more effective than the faulty memories of the good times, because that is just what they are  faulty and inaccurate.

With one of my exes, whenever he reached out I would go back to him. This happened for a full year and I was a shell of myself. One time I took the advice of someone who told me to make this list and, when he reached out, it worked! I remembered all of the things that made me miserable and I didn’t respond.

After a full year of not being able to break up with him, my list led me to keeping the door of our relationship firmly shut. I was finally able to move on.

#3 – Don’t drink and text.

If your ex reaches out, it is very likely that they have been drinking.

When we are drinking, our inhibitions are muted and we do things that we wouldn’t do when we are sober. We also can feel lonely or horny or bored or wistful. So, what do we do? We reach out to an ex, to see what will happen.

The same can happen if your ex reaches out to you. Even if you don’t respond at first and have your list at hand, once you have a drink or two, all of your resolve can vanish. Instead of staying strong, you can justify reaching out to them and then you do.

You think that you are reaching out as a friend.Or you respond with a list of all the ways they hurt you. Or you tell them how much fun you are having out in the world without them.

Whatever you do or say, none of it is coming from a sober place.

If you are going out with friends and there is going to be any amount of alcohol involved, I would encourage you to set up a safety net.

Perhaps you give your friend your phone or tell them you are feeling vulnerable and to not let you text, no matter what. Perhaps you change your ex’s name in your phone to Douchebag or Don’t Reach Out to this Person. Something that will give you pause before you send a text.

Luckily, there are also apps that will help you refrain from reaching out to your ex when you have been drinking. Here are a list of them. Use them!!!

#4 – Ride it out.

Ok, you are sitting on your coach, watching Friends, happy as can be (mostly). Then Ross kisses Rachel and you are suddenly stricken with loneliness, believing that you will never love or be loved again. And you want to fix it right now!

And what happens next? Your ex reaches out. You reach for the phone to respond, believing that it’s a sign that you don’t have to be alone.

And then? Only messiness.

I always encourage people, when their ex reaches out, to walk away from their phone for a few minutes. To get some ice cream, take a shower, go for a walk, find their list of why their ex sucks.

Why do I suggest that?

Because, more often than not, we respond to our ex, or even text our ex, on reflex. We are all programmed to respond to a text right away and, when an alert pops up on our phone, we reply, almost automatically.

If you can step away from your phone, do something while that initial need to respond passes, this will protect you, and your recovery, in a big way. Furthermore, if you can step away, you can take the time to think through what responding to your ex will mean for you and if it’s a good idea.

I do know that, with each minute that passes, you will be less inclined to respond. That initial hit of dopamine that you get from the text alert will pass, your heart rate will go down and you will be able think clearer.

So, ride out the initial reaction when your ex reaches out to you. Your recovery might depend on it!

#5 – Have a friend shut them down.

When I failed over and over and over to break up with my guy, I finally resorted to something I never wanted to do to have a friend shut them down. To have a friend tell them to go away.

This worked for two reasons

The first is that I had to tell my friend that the ex reached out. They then reminded me of all the reasons to stay away and pestered me to do so. Secondly, my friend texted them, in no uncertain terms, that they have no business reaching out and to pound sand, hard.

When an ex reaches out, we often hesitate to tell our family and friends. Why? Because we know that they won’t approve. They know all of the shitty things our ex did to us, things they aren’t going to forget anytime soon (even if we do). So, we hide it from them, embarrassed, determined to manage this on their own.

And that never works because we are too vulnerable.

By asking our friend to respond, we are being honest with them, including them in next steps and not going it alone. With this, our chances of sabotaging our recovery is greatly reduced.

So, there you go, five things to do if your ex reaches out to not harm your recovery.

I know that, more than anything, you want to respond to your ex. And I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you know that you shouldn’t do so.

First and foremost, don’t respond to them, don’t open the door. Remember why they are your ex and ask a friend to support you as far as managing this. Put your phone away when you are drinking and walk away from it if you are tempted to respond.

You have worked so hard to get to this healthy place. You have worked through so much pain and you have reached the other side. Do you really want to sabotage all of that hard work now and start fresh? Of course not.

You can do this! I promise!

Why They Check All the Boxes But You Just Aren’t Into Them

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Are you in a place where you are dating someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

Have you been searching for someone like the person you are dating and, now that you have found them, are you surprised that they just aren’t the person for you?

I am afraid that this is very common. We meet someone and we are so hopeful and then we just don’t feel it and we just don’t get it!

There are many reasons why they check all the boxes but you still aren’t into them. Knowing them will help you see clearly and let go when, and if, it’s the right thing to do.

#1- The boxes might not be yours.

If you find that they check all the boxes but that you just aren’t into them, it might very well be because the boxes are not your boxes.

For many of us, there are things that we think we should want. Things that our parents or our friends or society tell us that we should want and should have. And we think that, if other people want those things, we should too.

For example, our parents often want us to find someone who is emotionally stable, from a good family, well off financially, and someone who wants, or doesn’t want, to have children. Our friends want them to be tall, dark and handsome and society says that they must have a certain beauty level compared to ours.

And all of those things are well and good but are they things that WE really want?

I know that, for me, my parents wanted almost everything that I have listed above for me. Of course, they did they wanted to make sure I was well taken care of. And my friends were looking for people who were from the same east coast liberal arts schools as we were. As a result, those things were in my boxes although I really wasn’t sure I wanted them to be.

I wanted to find someone who was irreverent, smart, sarcastic, ambitious, appreciate of tequila and who didn’t want to settle down right away. I didn’t tell people that, however, because I was embarrassed to do so.

As a result, time after time, I would find people who could check all the right boxes, at least those of my family and friends, but, for me, just weren’t who I wanted.

But I tried, let me promise you. I tried to fit these square pegs into my round holes but each and every time it just led to heartbreak.

It was only once I was very clear with myself as to what was really in my boxes that I was able to find someone who could check them off when I found him.

That being said, after I got divorced, my boxes were TOTALLY different. It took me a while to figure that out but, when I did, I found the guy of my dreams.

So, take stock of what your boxes really are. Are they really what you are looking for or someone else’s idea of what you should have?

#2 – You aren’t ready.

When my ex-husband and I were on our honeymoon, I asked him how we found each other. He said that it was just a matter of timing. Romantic, no?

For many of us, we find someone who checks all the boxes, our boxes, but we just aren’t ready for them.

Perhaps we are in school and want to travel the world and even the most perfect person might hold us back. Or maybe our perfect person, the one who checks all the boxes, is right there in front of us but is ready to get married and have babies and we just aren’t!

I know that, when I was first divorced, I met someone who checked off all of my boxes but there was no way in the world that I was ready to be in a relationship. As a result, I found that I lost interest in him pretty quickly.

The initial spark that we felt wasn’t enough to keep me attached, to make me sacrifice the time that I knew I needed to take before I could be healthy again. I moved on quickly but have often wondered what things would have been like if the timing had been better.

So, how about you? Are you really ready to find someone who checks off all boxes and commit to them for the rest of your life? Are you ready to make sacrifices to be with someone, just because they are the person you think you should be with?

I can promise you that, in this world of millions of people, you will meet many people who will check off all of your boxes, not just this one. And maybe you will meet that person on the beaches of Santorini!

So, if you have a suitor, and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it could be because you just aren’t ready!

#3 – There is no chemistry.

One of the primary issues with on-line dating (which I 100% support as a means to meet people) is that we literally make a list of boxes and the dating algorithm helps us tick them off.

Therefore, when someone comes across our feed, they do so because they literally check all the boxes that we think are important, things that we believe are must haves.

You know what I mean. Their height, their age, where they live, what they do for a living, whether or not they have/want kids etc. All of those things are things we tick off as we build our dating profile.

However, what I discover often happens is that, even though someone we meet on-line might tick off all of our boxes, once we meet them, we find that there is no chemistry.

More than once, I had long, fun email and text exchanges with men I met online who checked off all the boxes. We would talk for days or weeks and I would be so excited to have met someone who was everything I wanted. And then I would meet them and there would be nothing. Zero chemistry. And I would be so disappointed.

And, more often than not, I did try to give that person a chance. They did have the qualities that I was searching for and I just didn’t feel it but I thought I should try anyway. And, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get there I couldn’t get that feeling that I needed to pursue the relationship further.

So, ask yourself – is there chemistry between you and this person who seems perfect on paper? If not, it could be why they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

#4 – One important box might be missing.

Ok, so let’s say that you have met someone who checks off the boxes, the timing is right and the chemistry is definitely there. Why, in spite of all of this, are you still not into them? It’s so frustrating because you really want to be.

Perhaps it’s because of the fact that one box is not checked. One box that, because it isn’t checked, overrides all the ones that are.

I met a guy online once who was perfect on paper. He was all of the things that I wanted except for two divorced and gainfully employed.

He was separated (although still living at home) and had recently been laid off from his job in the financial sector. He was confident that he would be working again soon but I had no idea.

In spite of my hesitations around these unchecked boxes, I started up a relationship but it quickly stalled out. I liked everything about him except the fact that he wasn’t divorced and spent his days job hunting I just couldn’t get past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past them.

So, ask yourself if your person has some, but not all, of your boxes checked. It could be that that one missing box is the thing that is holding you back from being into this person who you think you should be into.

#5 – You love someone else.

This week on Bachelor in Paradise, Victoria Fuller met someone who she swears checks all the boxes. He looks the part, is the right age, is financially secure and wants to get married and have children right away. Great!

The thing is, she also has another guy, Johnny, who she REALLY likes. And Johnny does not check off almost any of her boxes.

So, she is confused and not sure what to do next. It’s all anyone on the beach can talk about.

I believe that it is because she is attached to Johnny that, even though Alex checks ALL her boxes, she just isn’t that into him. Yes, Johnny is young, just getting started on his career and is looking for love but not marriage and babies quite yet, but she likes him. She really likes him.

He makes her laugh and he turns her on and she loves the time that they spend together. She likes the other guy too, he is a nice guy after all, but he doesn’t do that certain something to her that Johnny does. And, hence, the confusion.

I do think that it might be possible that, if Johnny wasn’t in the picture, Victoria would be able to lean into Alex in a positive way, one that might end in marriage and babies. But Johnny is in the picture and that changes everything for her.

So, if you have met someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it just might because you have someone else, someone who has that certain something that makes you feel great.

You must be reading this article because you are in this position, one where you have met someone and they check off all the boxes but you just aren’t into them. And I am sorry if this is true.

We all just want to have a healthy relationship and the person who checks off all the boxes is logically the person that we should be in one with. Right?

However, life, and love, just aren’t that straightforward. Love, and life, is messy.

So, ask yourself if your boxes are your boxes, if you are really ready for a healthy relationship, if the chemistry is there and if there are any boxes left unchecked.

Perhaps if you do so, you will have some clarity on what is happening and be able to decide next steps.

Remember Love is nowhere to make compromises. Hold out for what you really want and find the happiness you seek!

 

5 Ways To Be Yourself in a New Relationship and Make it Last

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I find it very strange how hard it is to be yourself in a new relationship. After all, we are ourselves in every other area of our lives. Why do we struggle to be ourselves as the relationship progresses?

I believe that, when we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives, someone who thinks we are fabulous, is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair.

Who wants that? Surely not you!

So, how can you be yourself in a new relationship, so you can keep it healthy? Read on!

#1 – Stay in touch with your awesomeness.

Think about the person you are when you are single. When you aren’t questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?

This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure.

And remember, this awesome person is the person who your guy chose to date in the first place. You with all of your confidence and quirks and wonderfulness. Think about what will happen if you are anything other that yourself as the relationship grows. Most likely, your new man will get confused and wonder where the person he fell for is. He might even break up with you as a result of your change.

Also, remember you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So, if this one doesn’t appreciate you as you are, too bad for him.

#2 – Don’t stop living your own life.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

No man wants the pressure of being everything to a woman. Of their woman staying home waiting for them to call. To have them twist themselves in a pretzel to be what they want. To give up their own passions for him. That woman is one who is not very attractive to a man.

Furthermore, every man loves the hunt and if you are out there, not always available to him, being a challenge, he is way more likely to stay interested in you.

I have a client who literally sits by her phone, waiting for her man to call or reach out to her on Instagram. She watches his activity and feels dejected when he is active but not in contact with her. So she obsesses, checking her phone instead of going out with friends, waiting for him to reach out.

When he finally does, she is really crabby and their time together isn’t what she wants it to be.

So, continue to live your own life. Don’t always be there for him. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. As I said above, becoming obsessed with someone’s social media activity is dangerous.

Even on a good day social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

My client above becomes so obsessed with her man’s Instagram activity that it makes her physically ill. And, she posts more actively than she used to, wanting him to see her posts and to think of her. And when he doesn’t look at them, she is devastated.

Of course, we all spend too much time on our phones. Do you? I am not saying that you should put down your phone but I am saying that the effort needs to be made to not change our habits, to not become a stalker, to stay in touch with friends and check on celebrities like we always have.

So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.

#4 – Know he is probably feeling the same way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you they could appear too eager or ,if they stop by your desk. you might find them too needy.

And, does that behavior make you feel bad about him or is it some what endearing. Does knowing that he might be feeling as insecure as you are, that you are in the same boat trying to make this relationship work, make you feel more confident?

Try to not judge yourself for struggling to be yourself in a relationship. Instead, make change and you will feel better about yourself and your place in the relationship.

#5 – Ask yourself – What’s the worst that can happen?

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but its best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself What is the worst that can happen?

The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So what? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You have done that before and survived. That you will actually have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn’t suck.

Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction. Being the rock star that you are.

Because really, what’s the worst that can happen?

I know that you want to be yourself in a new relationship. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.

But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn’t work out there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won’t end no matter what action you take.

Remember, not being yourself isn’t sustainable. Not being yourself will only make you feel more insecure in the relationship. Not being yourself just might sabotage what you want and then you will be left devastated.

Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can be in love with too.

You can do it!

5 Signs You Are Addicted to Toxic Relationships

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Many of us are addicted to toxic relationships.

It might seem counterintuitive because all we want is a healthy one but many of us choose toxicity over and over and over.

I didn’t realize that, until I got in a healthy relationship, I was someone who was totally addicted to toxic relationships. I don’t know why exactly but I knew they were exciting and adrenaline producing and that kept things spicy, which I liked and was addicted to.

And this addiction kept me from finding happiness with another person.

Are you addicted to toxic relationships? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how to change it.

#1 – Red flags? What red flags?

Are you one of those people who sees red flag and who purposely ignores them?

Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex or struggling to keep a job or has a temper or tries to control you?

Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run?

Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?

When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone who he was engaged to had walked away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.

I saw those red flags and I ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.

It did not take long for our relationship to get toxic. We drank a lot together which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his friends pushed him away and that, when he was with people, he got loud and obnoxious, which made me crabby. He disappeared on Sundays, to this day, I do not know why, which made me not trust him. His job consumed him and the stress of it made him not fun to be with.

We fought and had sex and I hated him and loved him and broke up with him and got back together with him. I was completely addicted to the cycle and couldn’t get out.

Unfortunately, that addiction kept me from finding the relationship that I was really looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.

#2 – You are a relationship jumper.

Are you one of those people who does not stay in a relationship very long?

Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?

I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a life time.

And then, within a few months, something shifts. She gets bored. Things are too good. She starts creating problems where there shouldn’t be. She pulls back from them and starts acting passive aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy.

Does she walk away? No. She stays in this relationship, in spite of the troubles that she created, addicted to the toxic relationship in spite of herself.

My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it become one that is healthy and sticks.

#3 – You are a pushover.

Many people who are addicted to toxic relationships are pushovers.

You know what I mean the type of person who is low in self-esteem, who is willing to take endless amounts of shit from their partners in silence. The kind of person who lets their person walk all over them without any repercussions.

So, why are people who are pushovers most likely addicted to toxic relationships? Because, by letting their person abuse them and get away with it, they are choosing to stay no matter what the cost.

I was involved with a man once who used to take me for granted. He would call when he felt like it and disappear otherwise. When we were together, he was hot and cold. Sometimes he would be angry at me for no reason. I was constantly walking around on tip toe, trying to keep him from reacting to me in a negative way.

When things were good, they were GOOD. When they were bad, they were horrible.

I think that I was addicted to those good times. I didn’t want them to go away. And I was willing to put up with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff.

Much like a drinker who is willing to put up with the killer hangovers as long as he can have the booze he is addicted to, so was I willing to put up with whatever to get those moments of happiness that I craved.

#4 – You thrive on drama.

I am a Pisces and Pisces love, love, love drama. It is kind of confusing because we also just want peace but I guess we all have multiple sides to our personality.

Anyway, before I got into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.

I had a boyfriend who I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him but I couldn’t get used to actually being content in a good relationship.

So, I would create drama. One night, I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met up with a guy friend and decided to go on a midnight road trip with him. The night ended up with him in jail for running a toll booth and me having to explain to my boyfriend what had happened.

I had no intention of doing anything with this guy friend but, by making the choices that I did that night, I knew that I would inject a little drama into my relationship.

And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.

While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. To be honest, after a while, I found that I was addicted to it. If a day or two went by with no drama, I would make some.

So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who might just be addicted to toxic relationships.

#5 – The sex is amazing.

So, be honest. Does make up sex turn you on in a big way?

Do you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner but do you LOVE the make-up sex that you have after a fight?

Back when I was single I had the strangest proclivity. I loved to have sex with men as I was breaking up with them. I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I often had the best sex I had had with guys when I was breaking up with them.

Many of my clients who are in toxic, chaotic relationships, stay because the sex is great. They know that they shouldn’t be staying but they are worried that, if they leave, they will never know sex like this again. Many of them have never had sex this good in their life.

And why is the sex so good? Because, after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All of the chemicals that are coursing through your body heighten your senses and enhances the sexual experience.

Who doesn’t love sex that is amazing?

So, if you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break- up sex, you just might be someone who wants and needs a toxic relationship.

Now that you know the signs that you might just be addicted to a toxic relationship, are any of them ringing true?

Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean are the first step towards breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change.

People who are addicted to toxic relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill prepared for a healthy relationship. They believe that they aren’t worthy of true love and deserve to be abused.

I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example for what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced is was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into romantic relationships, I had no idea what to do.

What I know now is that, by staying in a toxic relationship with no future, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, by cheating, by being a pushover and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged.

Awareness of these patterns was key to me starting to make change.

You can do this too. You can break the pattern of your addictive behavior, escape from it and live happily ever after!

I promise!

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises

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Nothing is worse than when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, even though he says he won’t ever do it again.

And you know that he will because he lies over and over and over. And you have been there for every one of them.

Are you sick of it? Do you wish, more than anything, that, because your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, there might be something that you can do to change things?

I get it. Who wants to be with someone who won’t do what they say they will do?

Things To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises:

Here are 5 things to do if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises so that you can deal with it and decide the next steps.

#1 – Don’t Take It Personally:

First and foremost, I would encourage you to try not to take the fact that your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises personally.

People who are liars are liars. They lie indiscriminately. They lie about where they have been. They lie about the color of the sky. They lie about what they had for dinner.

People who lie are often very insecure about protecting themselves, their reputation, and their place in the world.

When your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it has nothing to do with you it is about him.

My client’s boyfriend repeatedly promises to join her and her mother for their Thursday night dinner. And, every week, he has an excuse not to. Eventually, my client started taking it personally, believing he would come to dinner with her and her mother if he loved her.

The reality is is that her boyfriend broke his promise not because he disrespected her but because he wasn’t comfortable, for whatever reason, with going out to dinner. Maybe he didn’t like her mom or was intimidated by her. Maybe he didn’t like the restaurant. Maybe softball always happens on Thursdays.

Whatever the reason for his lie, it was never about her that I knew for sure.

#2 – Call Him On It:

An important thing to do when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises is to call him on it.

The key part is HOW you call him on it.

I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend after the lie occurs. My client’s case is when she gets home from another dinner with her mom without her boyfriend.

I would encourage her not to attack but to stay calm and clear. Last week, you promised that you would have dinner with my mother. You broke that promise tonight.

If you can stay calm and not launch into accusation mode, you will likely get through to him. If you attack him, he will get defensive, make excuses, and maybe even blame you. If you calmly state a fact, what can he do? After all, he knows that he broke his promise to you.

#3 – Don’t Get Passive-Aggressive:

This is very important. If you don’t call your boyfriend on his breaking his promises, it is essential that you can’t act hot and cold instead.

Passive aggressiveness is the best way to make no progress in a disagreement. Why? Because being passive-aggressive only makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Let’s say my client came home from dinner and ignored her husband. Let’s say she got changed, turned on the TV, and answered his questions with one-word answers. Let’s say she went to bed, sleeping in the guest room this time. Let’s say in the morning; he got no breakfast.

Sure, my client was showing her boyfriend that he had upset her by breaking another promise and deserved to be ignored and treated with contempt. But doing that only gave her boyfriend the upper hand.

When they finally did discuss what happened, the conversation would be as much about her reaction to what happened as to the fact that he had broken another promise. He would be happy to deflect what he had done and focus on her bad behavior.

The discussion would dissolve into a fight, and nothing would get resolved because both of them would be focused on each other’s bad behavior instead of focusing on the cause of the issue that her boyfriend keeps breaking his promises.

So, be direct. Stay calm. And, by no means, get passive-aggressive.

#4 – Accept That Things Won’t Change:

I hear from my clients that they don’t understand why their boyfriends don’t change.

After all, their boyfriends know that they are upsetting my clients, and they recognize that they need to do things differently and promise to do so. So, why can’t they follow through and do so?

Because they don’t love you? No!

Their boyfriends can’t follow through because they are making their promises to make them happy, to stop them from being angry at them. They are breaking their promises because what they have promised is not necessarily something they want to do. They make the promise at the moment to keep you happy.

No person will change their behaviors unless they actively want to. If your boyfriend is going to change, he will have to be the one to want to do it. Until then, no matter how many promises he makes to you to keep you quiet in the moment when the time comes, he will, more likely than not, break that promise. Again.

So, don’t wait around for things to change. Know that they most likely won’t unless he wants them to.

#5 – Walk Away:

I can’t state it enough if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it is okay to walk away.

I know that it might seem like some of these broken promises aren’t a big deal and that you can rationalize his behavior, but the truth is that you can’t trust or rely on someone who breaks his promises.

And trust is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, the relationship is doomed.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who you can’t believe what they say? How about being with someone who wasn’t there when you needed them because they broke their promise? How about knowing you can’t count on them to help you when you need help?

That doesn’t sound good, does it? Everyone wants someone they can count on, who they know has their back, and who will be there when needed.

So, walk away if you have to. The broken promises might not feel like that big a deal now, but if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises repeatedly, that does not make a good boyfriend.

If your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, I am so sorry.

I am sure that his breaking his promises has done a number on your self-esteem. I am sure that you feel responsible for his behavior and, if you are being passive-aggressive, that you might not be behaving the way you would like to in response.

So, it is time to take action. Remember not to take the broken promise personally. Calmly talk to your boyfriend about breaking his promises, and never be passive-aggressive. Know that unless they want to change, they won’t. And embrace the fact that it is ok to walk away.

You want to be in a relationship with someone you trust, and if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, you will never trust him again!

Why So Many Women Fall For Damaged Men

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It doesn’t seem logical that so many women for damaged men.

I mean we are smart, we are wise, we are self-confident, we should know better. Right?

However, for a variety of reasons, when it comes to certain men, all of those strengths can melt away and we are left at the mercy of men who can suck us dry.

Knowing why we tend to fall for damaged men is the key to understanding why we do it so that we can stop doing it! NOW.

#1 – Father issues.

Did you know that women who have a healthy relationship with their fathers tend to grow into healthier, happier and stronger women?  Unfortunately, for many of us, those healthy relationships just weren’t established over the course of our lives.

If you are one of the lucky ones, I am guessing that you might not be reading this article. If you are one of the rest, like me, then you know what I mean.

For me, my father was absent. He was one of those dads who worked a lot and left the child care to my mother. He was around but not present. And when he was present, he was very sarcastic. Whenever I told him a goal or accomplishment, he put me down saying I wouldn’t be able to do it.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and he found a new wife, who hated me, and moved to Australia. Since then, he has repeatedly chosen his wife over me which, in combination with the sarcasm, left me feeling abandoned and unloved. It was the same for my sister.

Since then, my sister and I both have been in a series of relationships with unhealthy men. We are drawn to men, like our father, ones who we believe can fix and hopefully make up for the pain that our dad caused to our psyche.

For me, in particular, I have a habit of choosing men who lie. They lie about anything, literally. As a result, I can never trust them and that leads to a downward spiral in the relationship that always left me heartbroken. I did this over and over until I finally accepted that my relationship with my dad was what it was and that I didn’t have to bring that baggage into my relationships.

So, how is your relationship with your father? If it isn’t a good one, it might explain why you fall for damaged men.

#2 – Make believe.

Think about to every rom-com you have ever watched. You know the ones where the girl and the guy find each other in the end, all set to live happily ever after.

Now, how many of those movies involve a damaged guy getting the girl in the end? Every one, right?

Think of Dirty Dancing good girl Baby falls for the smooth, bad boy Johnny. In The Breakfast Club, Claire falls for the rebel Johnny. In Grease, Sandy falls for Danny. In Lost, Kate for Sawyer. The list goes on and on.

As we all know, we are strongly influenced by what we see on TV and in the movies. From a very young age we are exposed to relationships that are idealized and performative but not necessarily attainable. As a result, we are constantly seeking out something that doesn’t exist.

In these movies, we see the good girl meeting the damaged, bad boy, reforming him and making him fall in love with her as a result. How romantic!

Unfortunately, this story is just movies and TV. Women so want to fix their men but you can’t fix someone unless they want to be fixed. So, women are left there, holding on to their damaged man, believing that if they just love them enough, everything will work out. And it doesn’t, most often.

So, do you use TV and movies as a model of what you believe your relationships can look like? If yes, then you might be turning towards damaged men in an effort to mirror what you see in media.

#3 – The challenge.

I don’t know what it is about human beings but we always need to be challenged, especially in relationships!

Be honest. How many times have you been in a relationship with a guy and said that he was too nice,boring, or that he was boring or that he didn’t challenge you? And how many of those relationships are you still in?

The thing about bad guys is that they are a challenge. We see them as damaged puppies who just need the love of a good woman to make them whole. And we women love to take on challenges like that.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients reach out to me because they are in toxic relationships that they can’t get out of. Without exception, as they tell me their story, they indicate that their person came to them with some issues, some red flags, that they ignored because they wanted to believe that this person was their person and that, with enough love, they could fix them.

As a result of ignoring those issues, my clients are stuck in relationships with damaged men who can become emotionally absent and/or abusive. People who have unprocessed issues can be prone to anger and violence and, unfortunately, the person who is often on the receiving end of that anger and violence is the partner.

So, take a look at your inclination to pursue damaged guys. Is it because of the challenge that he might present to you, the drama that might make things spicy?

I know that you just want a healthy relationship and that you don’t want to play games. And I get that and totally agree. But a healthy relationship is found in the balance between bad boys and boring. A healthy relationship is one where you feel challenged but you also feel good about yourself.

That person is out there for you that perfectly balanced guy who can love you in a healthy way.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, many women fall for damaged men are often women who don’t feel very good about themselves.

I have a client who has spent her entire life struggling. She was raped when she was in high school, got addicted to drugs and was homeless. She let herself be abused by everybody in her life in her hopes of being loved.

She did eventually pull her life together and started a successful business. But, in spite of her success, she still didn’t feel good about herself. She did not believe that she deserved anyone other than a damaged man. Why would a healthy man want to be with her, after all?

As a result, she found herself in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. She would continue to degrade herself, trying to get her partner to love her and to treat her well. Unfortunately, so many of the men who she attracted because of her insecurities were also deeply damaged and incapable of making any woman feel good about themselves.

So, my poor client was repeatedly going down this rabbit hole of falling for damaged men because she just did not believe that she deserved any better.

It is only once she started taking a good look at herself and who she was in the world that she started to see her self-worth and make wiser choices when it came to men!

#5 – Fear of being alone.

So many of my clients live in mortal fear that they will never find their person. That they will be left alone and childless and that they will be miserable.

As a result, my clients aren’t picky about who they chose to love and thus they fall in love with unhealthy guys. They figure that some guy is better than no guy and that, at least, they won’t be alone.

Unfortunately, what my clients discover is that being in a relationship with a damaged man is very often worse than being alone. They do have a partner at their side at social events and they might have children but the reality of their lives is much different.

Perhaps their person is abusive. Or perhaps their person suffers from a mental health condition that makes him unable to care of his family. Or perhaps they have trust issues from a past relationship. No matter what the issue, big or small, an issue can have a disastrous effect on a relationship.

So, consider this next time you are leaning towards falling for a damaged man. Are you doing so because of the man in front of you or are you doing it because you are scared of being alone?

It really is amazing how many women fall for damaged men.

Whether it is because of their past issues with their fathers, the influence of media on their understanding of relationships, their need to be challenged or their fear of being alone, women who choose, and stay with, damaged men are destined for a relationship that will not be an easy one.

So, take a good look at the perspectives that you have about relationships do you need a challenge? Do you want to fix someone? Do you need to find your Danny Zuko to be happy?

Understanding what you think you want vs. what you do want is a good way to find the healthy relationship that you seek so that you can be happy, once and for all!

 

5 Ways I Set the Stage For My Spouse’s Cheating

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In retrospect, I know that, in many ways, I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame myself for his cheating but I do know that, in many ways, my actions made it so that our relationship was vulnerable to one of us stepping out.

I have a tremendous amount of regret for the things that I did that made our marriage susceptible to infidelity and I want to share them with you today so that you don’t make the same mistakes I made over the course of my marriage.

Here are 5 ways I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

#1 – I took him for granted.

When we first got married, my life was all about us as a couple.

We worked together and played together and life was grand.

And then we had kids and everything changed.

The kids and their activities became the focus of my life. Whatever they needed took priority over anything else. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life and having kids meant all of my dreams had come true.

Unfortunately, I think the arrival of the kids were my spouse’s nightmare.

I am not saying that he didn’t love the kids. He loved them madly. I am saying that my focus totally turned away from him and towards the children and I am sure that must have felt horrible for him.

And, not only did I focus on the kids, I expected him to focus on the kids as well, to make them the center of our family and not us.

As a result, I just expected him to be there when I needed him. I expected him to pick the kids up if I needed him to. To take them away on Saturday mornings so that I could get things done. To coach soccer and to go to races. Etc.

And I am not sure that I ever asked him to do those things I just assumed that he would.

I am hoping that I said thank you for the things that he did but I am guessing that I wasn’t so good at doing that which probably left him feeling unimportant and invisible.

Perhaps, if I had made him more a part of the team instead of this person who would do my bidding, I wouldn’t have left him feeling this way and, when someone else came along who might actually see him, he might have been able to resist the temptation to stray.

#2 – I treated him with contempt.

This is the thing that I regret the most.

I know that, in spite of everything that he did for me, everything that I took for granted that he went along with, with no complaints, I treated my spouse with contempt.

The definition of contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. And this is exactly how I treated him.

When he came home late from work and missed dinner, I said that I would fire” him. When he did something, but not the way I wanted him to, I would passive aggressively say something demeaning.

I criticized the way he did everything telling him what he was doing wrong. I didn’t support his dreams and hobbies but brushed them off as pipe dreams that he would never achieve.

There is nothing that will kill a relationship quicker than contempt. Why? Because with contempt comes feelings of anger and resentment. Of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Of not trusting your partner to care about your feelings. Of believing that not only do they not love you but that they don’t even like you.

I wish, more than anything, that I hadn’t treated my spouse with contempt. I wish I had been open and honest and supportive and respectful with and of him.

I am not sure that I have ever treated anyone else with contempt- so why did I treat him that way?

Regardless, when someone else came along, I had set the stage for my spouse’s cheating because when that person treated him well, he naturally turned towards them and the love and respect they gave him.

#3 – I spent more time with my friends than with him.

Before we had kids, my spouse and I did everything together.

We worked together, we hung out with friends together, we travelled together, we had fun together. A lot of fun.

But, after the kids were born, everything changed.

A big reason for this is that our focus shifted  me to the kids and him towards work and supporting us. We no longer shared our days and experiences but rather, more often than not, did things completely separately.

And when you don’t share experiences, it’s easy to grow apart.

I know that over the course of our marriage, I spent more and more time with my friends. We would walk together in the mornings, have play dates together, go to the movies together and go away on weekends. We did the fun and bonding things that I used to do with my husband.

And no longer sharing those things only drove us further apart until there was very little that we shared other than the kids.

We didn’t do this on purpose, and I am not even sure that I noticed that I was doing it at the time, but, in retrospect, I wish that we had made an effort to spend more time together, to stay connected with the things that had drawn us together in the first place.

If we had, there wouldn’t have been space in my spouse’s life when another woman came along to have fun with him.

#4 – I put too much distance between us.

This one is not entirely my fault but it is something that I think caused a significant rift in our relationship, one that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

When our kids were little, my spouse decided that he needed to do two things hike the Grand Canyon and go back to school for his master’s. To do those things, he needed to leave me alone with the kids. Over and over and over.

I was angry when he did these things but, over time, I started to realize that, in many ways, it was easier when he wasn’t around. There was no disruption with his comings and goings and I was free to do things where and when I wanted to do them.

As the years went by, we found ourselves spending less and less time actually living together. His work led him to Canada where he lived for six months. Later, I had to move away, temporarily, with my son who was having some issues at school.

These things separated us for months, making both of us feel lonely and abandoned. As a result, he was vulnerable to someone coming along who was there, present, and who wouldn’t leave him feeling alone.

#5 – I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

The number one thing that I didn’t do that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating is that I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

In the moment, I probably did not really understand how I was feeling. I was just going through my days, trying to keep my head above water, organizing everything that was our crazy family life. But, I know now, that I was miserable and a big part of that was because I was so disconnected from my husband.

I had loved him madly when we got married and I was so excited that we would get to build a life and a family together. As the years went on and we became increasingly estranged from each other, I was sad. Very sad and lonely. I missed him and the couple that we were.

But I wasn’t able to express those feelings at the time, maybe because I didn’t see them but more likely because I was scared. I was scared that, if I spoke the words out loud, it was cause some kind of implosion in our lives, an implosion that I did not think that I could quite handle.

I think that I was also worried that I would lose him. I assumed that, if we could just get through this period of time, we would be able to find our way back to each other. But I was wrong.

Not only didn’t I tell him about how I was feeling, I also spent tons of time talking to my friends about how miserable I was. About the things that we did and didn’t do together, about our disconnection and our long absences. They knew how I was feeling, but he didn’t.

As a result, when he cheated on me and ended our marriage, none of my friends were surprised. I was but they had seen the writing on the wall for a long time.

If only I had talked to my husband, maybe when someone else came along who could talk to him about how they were feeling, to connect around those emotions, he wouldn’t have moved towards them and away from me.

So, there are 5 ways that I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

I hope they give you some sense of what not to do in your marriage so that it does not end badly.

Again, I don’t blame myself for what happened. After all, I was in the same relationship and I didn’t stray. But I know that I have a large part of the responsibility for what happened in our marriage and its demise.

I mean, who wants to be taken for granted, treated with contempt, abandoned and not communicated with?

I know I wouldn’t. And he didn’t too!

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