What Kills Long-distance Relationships and How To Keep Yours From Dying

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When I was in in college, I spent a summer in Australia. There I met a to-die-for guy, someone who I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I was living in Vermont and he was living in Australia. That is quite a distance.

We promised to try to make it work and it did for a time. But, ultimately, we were just too far away from each other and it, unfortunately, died a slow death.

Many people tell me that, in this day of being always connected, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work. And I do agree. Being able to Facetime and text and share pictures on social media does make it easier to stay connected to someone you love who is far away.

BUT, just because you can keep in contact, doesn’t mean that a long distance relationship will definitely work. Of course, they do and can but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it will be easy.

Below is a list of what kills long-distance relationships and how to keep yours from dying so that you can know what you are getting into if you are choosing to be a part of one!

#1 – Jealousy.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive elements of any romantic relationship. Jealousy about a partner’s ex, their friends, their family, anyone who can take their time and efforts away from you.

Of course, every relationship isn’t affected by jealousy but long distance ones can be more vulnerable to its toxic effects.

Why? Because your long-distance partner will be spending way more time with other people then they will be with you. Dinners and movies out, weekends spent with friends, visits from family, all are things that your partner might be experiencing without you. And that doesn’t feel good.

So, be aware that wretched jealousy might rear its ugly head and damage your relationship. Being honest with your partner about how you feel about how they spend their time will go a long way to preventing jealousy that might kill your relationship.

A woman with long hair is posing for the camera.

#2 – Lack of effort.

This is a big one. Nothing kills long-distance relationships more than lack of effort.

To make a long distance relationship work, everyone needs to be willing to make a huge effort. An effort to stay in touch. An effort to minimize jealousy. And effort to travel often. An effort to use words of affirmation to make sure their partner knows how they are feeling. Doing the small things that can make someone feel loved.

Of course, it’s important to do these things when you are in every relationship but it is even more so when you are in a long-distance relationship because it is easy to feel disconnected because of how far away you are from each other.

So, what have you done today to make your person feel loved and connected to you? To help them feel confident around your feelings and hopes for the future.

If the answer is nothing, what can you do? Whatever it is, do it now. Help your person feel loved. It will keep your relationship from dying a slow death because of distance.

#3 – Uneven feelings.

This is a really tough one.

I have a client who reconnected with a college beau when she was home visiting her parents. They were separated back in the day when they went in different directions after college but they rediscovered their feelings really quickly. They had a lovely week together and then he headed back to California.

After he left, she told me that she was determined to make the relationship work this time around. She had always regretted letting him go and now that he was back, she wanted to make it work.

She kept in touch regularly by text and talked to him about traveling from Maine to California so that they could spend some time together.

At first, he was receptive to keeping in contact with her and was willing to talk about a potential trip. But, as time went on, he stopped texting so much and made up lots of excuses for her to postpone her trip.

She had a sense that he was pulling back and that made her lean in all the more but all the leaning in in the world couldn’t prevent the relationship from falling apart. Sure, he cared about her, but not enough to make the effort to make a potential relationship work.

So, if you feel like the interest in making this long distance relationship work isn’t even, don’t even try to make it work. Say good bye to your person now, before someone is hurt.

#4 – Horniness.

Yep. This is a pretty important, and obvious, one. People who are in long distance relationship get horny. They just do.

They aren’t having sex with the person they want to have sex with and they aren’t having any at all. And that is not okay, for men especially.

Of course, it is possible to have phone sex, which can be lovely, but it is not the same thing.

The easiest fix to horniness is to travel to see each other. To meet someone to fill up the sex bank, to keep you going until you see each other again. I know that that is not always easy but it important that you try do so. Otherwise, your relationship just might not survive the distance.

#5 – Impatience.

We are all impatient. It is just part of human nature. We want what we want and we want it right now.

With a long-distance relationship, you get very little right now.

You want to see your person. Nope, not now. You want to do things with your person. Nope, not now. You want to explore what it might look like to live together. Nope, not now.

‘Not now’ is the name of the game, every day.

Lots of people wonder if it’s selfish to not want a long-distance relationship for just this reason. They want to be in a relationship with someone they can wake up next to, to go out on a date with, to build a relationship together. Having a long distance relationship makes this impossible. It’s all about waiting until you are together and making the most of that time, and that can be frustrating.

So, if you are thinking about getting into a long distance relationship, know that you are going to have to be very, very patient to make it work.

A woman standing in front of a building.

#6 – No hope for the future.

One of the biggest killers of a long distance relationship is the long game. It is knowing whether or not the time will come that you will ever be together.

What do I mean by the long game? I mean, is there a time, in the future, when you will be together, in the same place, or does the prospect of the long-distance relationship see no end in sight?

Anyone who watches reality TV dating shows knows that this is the killer of most relationships that are formed on these shows. The shows draw people from all over the world and, more often then not, love bonds are created between people who live states, or continents, apart. While they try to make things work after the cameras stop rolling, realizing that moving is not an optoin, ultimately kills the relationship.

No one wants to break up, but it’s just too hard to make it work.

So, if you are in a long-distance relationship, ask yourself if there is an end in sight or if this situation is going to continue in perpetuity and whether or not either choice is okay with you!

#7 – Lack of communication.

People who are in long distance relationship often care about each other very much. I mean, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be trying to make it work.

Unfortunately, this deep caring can lead to a lack of communication because both people do not want to cause the other any pain, something long-distance relationships can be very vulnerable to.

Perhaps they don’t tell their person how they are feeling about something their partner did that hurt them. Perhaps they aren’t good at sharing their feelings with their partner or forget to send them flowers on a special occasion.

Perhaps they are making plans to travel to see them but don’t share that they are. Perhaps they just forget that they were supposed to address a serious topic that had been put on hold for another conversation.

Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt their person or because they aren’t good communicators or because they just don’t want to communicate at all, this lack of communication can be a long-distance relationship killer.

I have a client whose partner was forced to move away for a few months because he was struggling financially. He didn’t tell her he was planning to do this, he just announced it one day.

She was angry. She hadn’t signed up for a long-distance relationship and was angry that he hadn’t told her about what he was considering.

Even worse, when he moved, he shut down talking to her. He told her he was too depressed to talk some days. He didn’t share any efforts that he was making to come back. He was impatient with her for trying to talk about these things. He didn’t want to hurt her because he wasn’t making any progress so he always changed the subject.

Ultimately, my client said no more and walked away. This lack of communication about a life that she thought they were building together killed everything for her.

Interestingly, my client’s parter was shocked. He didn’t know that what he was doing, not talking about difficult subjects, had caused her so much pain. He was just trying to protect her and not drive her away. And yet he did just that.

#8 – Cheating.

Cheating can destroy any relationship and even more so a long-distance relationship.

Infidelity is often the result of lack of communication. It is about becoming disconnected from someone. Its about the lack of intimacy. It is about pretty much everything that is a given in a long-distance relationship.

As a result, cheating is something that can happen pretty organically.

Why? Because everything that we want in a relationship is right at our fingers. We don’t need to long to see our partner, to stay up late at nights talking on the phone, wondering when we are going to see our person again.

Instead, someone else is right there in front of them, someone they can touch and smell and look at in the eye. Cheating, with an absence of these things from an existing romantic partner, can be irresistible.

The key to preventing cheating is communication. Usually, for someone to cheat, it is the result of weeks or months of becoming disconnected, of not having sex, of being impatient for things to move forward. Instead of letting these issues lead you to cheating on your person, talk with them about how you are feeling. Figure out how you can resolve these issues and keep your relationship together.

After all, cheating is unacceptable and a very painful way to leave a relationship, or, even worse, something that can be very hard to come back from if one stays.

#9 – The high cost of travel.

This last that that can kill a long-distance relationship is pretty straight forward and, unfortunately, something that you can do very little about.

In 2023, travel costs are higher than they have been in years. Airfare is through the roof and hotel rooms are 30% more expensive then in 2019. Millions of people want to travel after Covid-19 so it can be difficult to make travel plans, no matter how small.

Being in a long-distance relationship has always been very expensive because of the things that must be done to keep you connected and the high price of travelling in 2023 makes it even more so, perhaps so much more that travel is just not possible.

I know it is hard to consider the high cost of anything to keep a relationship working but, in this case, the very thing that is necessary to make one work just might not be accessible to you which might, I am afraid, kill your relationship, even if everything else is going great.

A plane is on the runway at night.

Knowing what kills long distance relationships is important to understand before you embark on one.

We all just want to love and be loved and are willing to make the sacrifice of distance from their loved one to make that love work.

And long-distance relationships can work and they do everyday. But they are full of obstacles, obstacles that being aware of is the key to navigating.

So, read this article with your partner. See if you are both on board with making things work as you decide whether or not a long-distance relationship is right for you.

You do not want to waste time if you aren’t both all in. After all, any moment that we waste in our search for love puts off finding the real thing that much further away.

How to Heal from a Toxic Relationship. 9 Things that Really Work.

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Ok, so you have gotten out of your toxic relationship. Well done! I am sure that it’s the hardest thing that you have ever had to do. You should be proud of yourself.

And now, here you are, probably a shell of who you used to be, feeling lonely, questioning your decision, feeling fearful of the future, unsure of next steps and afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

Let me help!

Every day, women heal from a toxic relationship and all of them felt just the way you do right now at one point. But they worked through those feelings and came out the other side, stronger than they were before, ready to finally live the life they have always wanted to live!

This can be you!

Let me share with you how to heal from a toxic relationship by sharing the nine steps that you must take to do so.

#1 – Set boundaries for yourself.

The first step in healing from a toxic relationship is to set boundaries for yourself.

Now that you gotten out, you are probably wondering what is next. If you don’t know what is next then you might get overwhelmed and go back to your ex.

Examples of boundaries might be:

  1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
  2. No looking for closure.
  3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
  4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
  5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

  1. Not rehashing old wounds.
  2. Keeping contact business-like.
  3. Minimizing physical contact

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#2 – Keep a list.

I find this an essential part of recovering from a toxic relationship keeping a list of all the reasons that you had to get out of the relationship.

The brain is an amazing thing it messes with us in ways that are beyond comprehension. One would think that our brain would support us in our efforts to get out of a situation that is bad for us, but no. What the brain does instead is forget all of the reasons why something isn’t good for us and tempts us with the things that were good.

I remember when I had finally escaped from a relationship that wasn’t good for me, my brain was messing with me. It was focusing on all that was good in the relationship and how good things might be if things changed. It was making me miss my guy and vulnerable to his reaching out.

One day I stumbled upon a list that I had made a few months back, one that detailed the things that he did to me that hurt me. There were things on that list that I had totally forgotten about.

I was so glad that I found that list because it reminded me of why I left. I kept that list by my computer, and added to it when I thought of something, as a reminder of why I suffered and why I shouldn’t go back!

A white book and pen on top of a wooden board.

#3 – Stick to no contact.

Bar none, this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do when you are healing from a toxic relationship. Go no contact with your ex.

This means blocking them on your phone and any apps that you share, avoiding seeing them when you are out in the world, not asking your friends and family how he is doing, whatever it takes to make sure that he can’t reach out to you.

Why is this so important? For two reasons. The first is that, when we get out of any relationship, being in touch with someone is how we get sucked back in. Hearing our ex’s voice, listening to their justifications and them telling you that things will change, all make us vulnerable to letting someone back in.

The second is that being in contact with someone will stop your healing in its tracks.

If you go a month without talking to your ex and you are starting to feel better, having contact with them will only set you back. Many people make this mistake“ they feel like they are strong this time around and so they reach out or take a call from their ex and then they go right back to where they were a month ago in pain.

So, for the sake of your healing and your potential happiness, go ‘no contact’ with your ex. It’s the key to healing from a toxic relationship.

#4 – Keep away from social media.

Part two of the no contact rule is to stay away from social media.

This means blocking, unfriending or unfollowing them any and everywhere and doing so right away.

Why? Because you stalking your ex, keeping tabs on where they are is not good for your healing. Even worse, if something comes across your feed that you weren’t expecting, it will cause you a tremendous amount of pain and that will set you back.

For some reason, this, and blocking someone, is the thing that my clients resist most, even more than seeing their ex in person. The addiction that we all have to social media, the fear of missing out, compels us to keep connected no matter what the cost.

Unfortunately, it is just this addiction that will hold us back from healing.

So did deep, find the strength to let them go on social media and accelerate your healing in a big way!

#5 – Take care of yourself.

Are you reading this article from your couch? Are you still in your pjs, having coffee and ice cream for breakfast? Have you not showered or left the house in days, too despondent to do so?

I get this. I have been there. But it is essential that you only do this for a short while longer and then you get off the couch and start taking care of yourself.

An important part of healing is eating well, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time with people who love you, focusing on things that make happy and not using brain bandwith on the past.

You don’t have to do these things all at once but, to heal, taking care of yourself is essential in the healing process.

After all, recovering from a toxic relationship will take some effort, effort that will be hard to make if you don’t have the strength to do so.

So, spend a few more days on the couch, if you need to, and then get up, shower and get yourself healthy again!

#6 – Do something new.

When we get into relationships, both good and bad, we tend to develop habits. In my marriage, we have a cocktail every night then dinner in front of the TV, bedtime at 10. We have pad thai on Fridays and go to the farmers market on Saturdays. We have a routine that works for us.

When we break up with someone, that routine is tossed to the side and the emptiness that is left can be incredibly hard to navigate. But you can do it.

If Thursday night was always about movies for you and your ex, make sure that you are out with your friends that night. Saturday mornings can be about getting out and going for a good long hike. Perhaps you make something that you and your ex never ate for dinner and watch it in front of a movie that he would never watch.

On a bigger scale, do something that you have always wanted to do but have not been able to do it. Travel somewhere exotic. Take up a new hobby. Make new friends. Something that will shift up your energy in a big way. Something that will help you wake up and see that life can be good. Something that will make you feel good about yourself.

Don’t spend your time wallowing in the past. The future is bright embrace it!

#7 – Surround yourself with loved ones.

When we are in toxic relationships, our relationships with people who love us can fall to the side.

Perhaps your ex used to isolate you from them. Perhaps they didn’t want to spend time with you because the tension was unbearable. Perhaps you pushed them all away when they tried to make you see that your relationship was toxic.

Whatever the reason, if there was ever a time for you to embrace your friends and family, this is it. Surrounding yourself with people who love you is just the medicine that will help you heal.

I know that you might be worried that they won’t want to spend time with you because you have let them down but I can promise you they won’t. All they want for you is for you to be happy and they will support you going through this difficult time to ensure that you are.

So, who can you reach out to right now who loves you and supports you and makes you laugh? You can do it!

A group of young people standing next to each other.

#8 – Take it one day at a time.

One of our worst habits is that we spend too much time in the past and WAY too much time in the distant future.

I know that, for many of my clients, the number one thing that sabotages their healing is looking too far ahead.

Instead of thinking about what they need to do today to get themselves through what they are dealing with, they look ahead to the future.

They can’t imagine themselves ever being happy. They can’t see how they will find love again. They believe that they will only ever feel the pain that they are feeling right now.

And, this focus on the future only sets their recovering from a toxic relationship back. They might even be tempted to reach out to their ex in the hopes that, this time, they will get the life and the love they want.

So, try to take it one day at a time. It might be hard but it will help!

#9 – Get help.

We all want to be strong, to take care of ourselves during times of stress and to not have to rely on anyone, particularly a professional, to help them. After all, it is the American way  to tough it out and do things on our own.

I get that but, I believe that, sometimes, we all need help getting through a tough time.

If you have been trying hard to get over your toxic relationship but find that you aren’t making the progress that you need to make, reach out to a professional to help you.

As a life coach, I have worked with hundreds of people who have gotten out of toxic relationships and who have successfully healed from them and moved on to find a better life.

I know that it might make you feel weak, but I can promise you that you will not be.  You will be strong enough to reach out to someone who can help you with your healing, which can be rare.

And, know that, no life coach or therapist will ever judge you for what you have been through. We have all been there at some point, and we are all here to tell the story of how we got through it.

So, if you are finding that you are struggling to get through the pain of your break up, reach out to someone, like me, to help!

Knowing how to heal from a toxic relationship is not something that we all know intuitively.

We have never done something like this before and trying to figure out next steps can feel daunting.

But you can do this! You can get past the pain of this relationship and find the love and the life that you want.

Just follow the nine steps above and you will see. I promise!

How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship. 9 Important Steps for You to Take Right Now!

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Letting go of a toxic relationship might be the hardest thing that you ever have to do.

After all, even if you know that your relationship is toxic, it might very well be that you still love your partner. Most of my clients find that it is love that keeps them from leaving a bad relationship, even if it isn’t a healthy one.

Fortunately, thousands of people get out of toxic relationships every day. It isn’t always easy but it is possible. And, by doing so, they set themselves up for the potential of having a life time of happiness and finding the love that they seek.

So, how to get out of a toxic relationship? Let me help!

#1 – Accept that you are in one.

For many people, accepting that they are in a toxic relationship can be very difficult. After all, you probably still love this person even if you know that you can’t stay with them.

And, for many people, because they are in the middle of the toxicity, they have a hard time recognizing how bad things are.

Signs of a toxic relationship are:

  1. Your relationship is volatile. One minute everything is good and then the next there is yelling and tears and everything falls apart.
  2. You are always unhappy.
  3. Your family and friends are constantly telling you that your relationship in unhealthy.
  4. You find yourself losing your mental and/or physical health.
  5. You hope that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Do any of these things sound like you? If yes, you might very well be in a toxic relationship. And, once you can truly accept this, then you will be ready to move forward and take the next step!

#2 – Decide you are going to do it.

Like anything else in your life, if you want to do something, you must not only decide to do it, you must be determined to follow through.

Imagine if you want to stop eating ice cream. That is a big deal and very hard to do. You can choose to tell yourself you aren’t going to eat it but keep some in the fridge. Or rationalize that little bit that you eat when you are out with friends. Instead of being determined to do it, you approach it half-heartedly, hoping things will just work out.

Before you know it, you will be back to the bad habit of eating ice cream.

So it is that one must set their goal of leaving a toxic relationship and dig deep to find the determination to not only do it but follow through.

If you want to end your toxic relationship, you must find it within yourself to do so!

#3 ̢ РTell someone.

One of the key parts of getting something difficult done is to tell someone else that you are going to do it. Why? Because that person can hold you accountable to make sure that you follow through.

I know that you might be telling yourself that you are going to do this, or perhaps you have even told yourself that you were going to do this before, but that, here you are, still in your toxic relationship.

That is because, as we often do, you aren’t holding yourself to the promise that you have made to yourself—”to  leave.

This time, do something different. Tell a friend or family member that you are going to do this. Ask them to hold you accountable to the steps that you are going to take to get out of your relationship, something I am sure that they would be happy to do.

Make sure you ask a friend or family member who truly will hold you accountable someone who is wishy washy won’t help you in any way!

 

Two people sitting on a bench talking to each other.

#4 -Get your finances in order.

I had a client once who was in a toxic marriage. She knew that she had to get out of it but she was somewhat dependent on her husband to provide for her and her three children. But she knew that the leaving had to happen and so she took the first step towards doing so she got her finances in order.

She had always been a stay at home mom so she got herself a small job. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was something. She opened a bank account for that money and slowing started transferring a bit of the money that she shared with her husband into it as well, building a little nest egg to help her escape.

She also reached out to her parents, to see if they could help her if she needed it. She ultimately didn’t, but she knew that they were there if she needed them.

Perhaps your finances are not an issue and you can skip this step but, if you are financially reliant on your partner, planning ahead will help you get out. After all, this financial piece might be just why are haven’t gotten out yet. Change that!

#5 – Find somewhere to go.

Are you stuck in a house or an apartment with your toxic partner? Are you confident that, if you ask your partner to go, they won’t? Is this one of the reasons why you haven’t ended this relationship yet? Maybe.

It is very important that, before you tell your person that the relationship is over, you find someplace to go. Perhaps you can go to stay with a friend or your family while you get yourself back on track. Perhaps you can find an AirBnB that does weekly rentals. If you can handle it financially, sign a lease on your own place.

Whatever you have to do to ensure that, when you are ready to leave, you have a place to go. For many people, not knowing where they are going to live is enough to make them not leave a relationship, even if they know they should!

#6 – Make a list.

A key part of letting go of a toxic relationship is that you make a list of all of the reasons that you are leaving.

Our brains can be very toxic, keeping us in situations that aren’t good for us. They can easily forget the bad things and only focus on the good things. They can give us hope that things might change or go back to the way that they were in the beginning, if only we try hard enough. They tell us that, if we leave, we will never love or be loved again.

And all of these things won’t help you let go of your toxic relationship.

So, it is time to make a list. Get out a piece of paper or make a new note on your phone. Write down all of the reasons that you want to leave. Take note of specific things that happen. Remind yourself how this relationship makes you feel.

If you can do this very important thing, it will make it much easier for you to leave your relationship. Whenever you are feeling weak or questioning your choice, you can refer to the list and remember why you have made this decision.

Instead of letting your brain take over and only remember the good things, having your list close by will help you stay determined to, once and for all, leave this toxic relationship.

A pen and notebook on the table

#7 – Engage a therapist or life coach (or see the one you have).

If you have a therapist or a life coach, it is time to call them. If you don’t have one, find one.

You have never (hopefully) ever had to leave a toxic relationship before so you might have no idea how to do so successfully. Having a professional will help you ensure that you have success, sooner than later.

I have worked with many clients to help them get out of a toxic relationship and they say that they couldn’t have done it without me. I am able to be the person who holds them accountable. I am able to be honest with them about what I see, with no personal agenda that a friend might have. I can guide them to resources. I help them process the emotions that have led them to this place. I am their biggest cheerleader. . All invaluable things.

Reach out to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t, find one. BetterHelp.com is a great way to find a therapist. It is all online so you aren’t limited to finding therapists in your area and you can find one who suits your needs anywhere.

OR you could reach out to me! I would be happy to help!

#8 – Block them.

I can not say this one often enough! If you want to successfully leave a toxic relationship, you must block your person. You must block them on your phone so that they don’t reach out and block them on social media so you can’t see what they are doing.

Back in the day, when we went through a break up, the chances of being in contact with our ex was minimal. Now, in these days of cell phones and social media, we have access to our ex and their goings on 24/7. And that access can sabotage our decisions.

Imagine if you find the strength to let go but then continue to keep tabs on what your ex is doing on social media. This could make you miss them or be jealous that they are moving on or confuse your determination to follow through. All of this could sabotage your conviction, putting you right back where you were before.

And, if you don’t block your ex on your phone, one or both of you will be tempted to reach out, opening up another conversation that might lead in a direction other than the one you want to take!

I know it seems like it will be hard but you can do it. And it is the most important piece of this journey one that you can do!

A black and white image of the word " rock ".

#9 – Take it one day at a time.

If there is anything that can prevent someone from letting go of a toxic relationship it is trying to get too far ahead of ourselves!

If you have been trying to get out of a bad relationship, have you not done so because you are afraid of the future? Are you are afraid that you will not be okay, that you will always be alone, that you will never love or be loved again? If so, you are not alone.

But, you are also not alone in that you aren’t thinking clearly.

Yes, if you walk out on a toxic relationship you might be alone for a while, but I can promise you that you will find love again. That you will be able to get back to a healthy happy life. That you will find yourself again.

I know it’s really hard to visualize that right now and that is ok. What you can visualize right is the next few moments or the next few hours or maybe even what is going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow is way less unknown then next week or next year.

So, try to keep your eyes down and on tomorrow, not next year. If you can do that, you won’t get overwhelmed and you will be able to walk away. I promise.

Knowing how to get out of a toxic relationship can be incredibly hard to see clearly.

But letting go of a toxic relationship, one that is holding you back from living the life you want, is possible! It might be hard but you can do it!

Just take the time to set yourself up for success define your determination, get some support, set yourself up for financial and living independence, stay clear on why you are doing this and cut off all ties with your ex.

If you can do this, if you can stick to the plan, you too can find the life and the love that you have always wanted.

I promise!

 

 

 

“Why Do I Like Toxic Relationships?” Your Question, Answered.

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that, if you aren’t in a toxic relationship right now, you have recently been in one and/or, perhaps, you have been in more than one over the years.

Well, you are not alone! Know that loving toxic relationships is, for many reasons, very common.

Most of my clients come to me because they are struggling in a toxic relationship and they want to understand why they stay. The first thing that we talk about is them who they are, what they bring into the relationship and their part in the toxicity.

Once they see what their role is in the relationship, they can take the steps to either improving it or walking away.

I am afraid the reasons are many to the question “why do I like toxic relationships?

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Your parents.

According to Rebecca Bergen, PHD, “Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and, in turn, how we are in relationships.”

In other words, people who have parents who are actively involved and engaged in their children’s lives will influence that child feeling secure in a romantic relationship. However, if a parent is not involved and engaged with their child, that child will not feel secure in their parental relationship and they will bring that insecure attachment style into a romantic relationship.

For one of my clients, she had a terrible relationship with her father. He was mostly absent and, when he was around, he was emotionally unavailable. She would try very hard to get her father to notice her, to no avail. As a result, she felt that she was unloveable. And this feeling she carried into her adult relationships.

As a result, when she entered romantic relationships, she tended to enter ones where she was treated just like her father treated her“ where she was abandoned and disdained. Those kind of relationships, while toxic, were what she knew and therefore what she gravitated towards. So, for her, loving toxic relationships, entering them over and over, were the direct result of her toxic relationship with her father.

#2 – Your past relationships.

Be honest. When you buy ice cream, do you always by the same brand?

Do you have habits that you repeat daily because they feel comfortable?

Does doing something unfamiliar give you anxiety?

For many of us, old habits die hard. We like the safeness and security of the familiar and, as a result, we do the same things over and over.

So it is with toxic relationships “ we tend to gravitate toward them over and over because they are what we know.

Whenever I have a new client who comes to me about their toxic relationship, the first question that I always ask them is if they have ever been in a healthy relationship. Almost without exception, they say ‘no,’ or, if they had been in one, it didn’t work out.

For them, because they have never been in anything other than a toxic relationship, they believe that theirs is perfectly normal. That, while they are unhappy in the relationship, they believe that this is just how relationships are toxic.

And so they stay because a happy relationship seems scary and unfamiliar.

#3 – Your insecurities.

In this world where we are constantly bombarded with images of the perfect life or the perfect body, many people are rife with insecurities.

They carry these insecurities throughout their lives, especially when it comes to romance, believing that they aren’t good enough to be worthy of a healthy relationship.

I have a client who has had a rough go of it throughout her life, and, as a result, she is very insecure. The path that she thought would be hers didn’t happen, and, as a result, she was in a job she hated, living with a roommate at 30.

So, when she started dating, she didn’t believe that she was worthy of being loved, and, as a result, she chose men who reinforced her theory. Men who treated her with disrespect, disrespect that she believed she deserved.

As a result, she stayed with these men, over and over, living in a toxic relationship that she believed was the result of bad life choices she had made through the years.

#4 – Your low self-esteem.

Many women who have been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship have very low self-esteem.

They have been treated badly for so long, led to believe that everything that is wrong in the relationship is their fault. They know they should leave a relationship but they don’t, which only makes them feel more horrible about themselves.

So, when they do get out of the toxic relationship, they hold onto the feelings that they had when they were in it, feeling horrible about themselves in the world.

And what do they do? They carry that lack of self-esteem into their next relationship which only leads to the same result being treated with disdain and disrespect, all they believe they deserve.

A woman with long blonde hair standing in the desert.#5 – Your need to fix someone.

Are you someone who believes that if you just love someone enough, they will change?

That someone has been brought into your life for a reason for you to love them enough to make them whole?

Do you believe that you know who they could be if they would let you help them get there?

In my whole life, I have probably encountered one woman who didn’t feel the need to fix a man, who didn’t feel like it was their obligation to do so. As a result, women stay in toxic relationships for longer than they should, believing that, if they just love their person enough, they will change, and the relationship will be better.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work this way. Unless someone actively wants to change, they won’t, and no amount of love is going to make them do so.

#6 – Your hopeless romanticism.

One of my biggest frustrations with movies and television is the way that relationships are often portrayed.

How many rom-coms have you seen where the relationship started out as adversarial and then turned to love?

Or relationships where the husband is toxic and the woman holds on, knowing that things will get better and they do?

Or a relationship that has been broken by toxicity ultimately gets healed with just one sentence?

Unfortunately, the way that toxic relationships are portrayed on movies and on television are unrealistic. The toxicity that exists over the course of the show almost always gets resolved over 90 to 120 minutes. This easy resolution leads many women to believe that their toxic relationship is fixable, just like the one they see on TV.

Many women are hopeless romantics because of what they see in the movies. The relationships that she sees every time she sits down in front of a screen lead her to believe that she too can have that happily ever after if she stays in this relationship, a dream that, unfortunately, just doesn’t come true.

A man and woman kissing each other on the forehead.

#7 – Your tendency to self-sabotage.

According to Bismar Anwar, LHMC, Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships. Further, we know that these behaviors often repeat across multiple relationships.

People who self-sabotage are people who don’t trust their partners, without reason. They pick fights. They demand perfection. They are unfaithful. They are passive-aggressive.

People who self-sabotage are truly incapable of building a healthy relationship.

Are you guilty of self-sabotaging in past relationships? Know that, if you are, you are most likely addicted to toxic relationships because they feed your need to self-sabotage in a big way.

So, the answer to why we like toxic relationships is not an easy one.

One doesn’t have to have all the reasons listed above to be someone who likes toxic relationships – one is enough.

Know that, if you recognize why you do stay in toxic relationships longer than you should then it will help give you insight about how to get out of it, learn to change your behaviors and attitudes and get the happy relationship that you have always desired.

You can do it! Many women have been able to take a good hard look at themselves and why they love toxic relationships and make change. You can too!

 

Setting Goals as a Couple: The Key to A Healthy Relationship

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I know, it doesn’t seem very romantic does it, setting goals as a couple.

After all, you have found your soulmate. Shouldn’t you just be able to live happily after in peace and harmony?

Ideally, yes. In the real world, though, things aren’t so simple. And, as a result, goal setting is key to having the healthy relationship that you want

Why is setting goals as a couple important?

When I talk about setting goals, I often refer to the workplace. Do you and your team mates set goals about what you are going to get done. Do you set benchmarks so that you know that you are making progress? Does this methodology work to keep your team successful?

I bet it does. So why wouldn’t you do the same in a relationship?

In a relationship, you are two members of a team who want a happy life together but the path there isn’t always a straight one. There are so many complicated pieces of life that can get in the way of our happiness, obstacles that can block our way forward.

That is when it’s important to set goals. To clear that path so that you can navigate the marriage with the goal of happiness always in sight!

So, when setting goals in a couple, what kind of goals should you be thinking about?

Here are some to consider:

#1 – To keep communication open.

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship and, without it, a relationship is doomed to failure.

Without communication, without honesty, a couple can become disconnected.

They can grow apart and small resentments can build. Once these cracks form in the foundation of a relationship, it can be hard to stop them getting worse.

Setting the goal that you will always communicate with each other, about things big and small, will help keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#2 – To never take each other for granted.

In this crazy world, it is very easy to lose sight of what is most important in life, namely our partners.

Between work and kids and extended family and all of the other demands that we encounter every day, we can take our partner for granted, assuming they will always be there when we need them.

Doing this will end even the best relationship.

Set the goal that you will never take each other for granted. That, no matter what is going on, you will let your partner know that you see them, that you love them and that you appreciate that they are in your life. Doing this will only make your relationship stronger.

#3 – To remember that we are all only human.

Many of us go into relationships with unreasonable expectations of another person – namely that that person will be perfect, that they will be able to give us everything that we want and need in life and to never hurt us.

Unfortunately, this kind of person only exists in fairy tales.

When setting goals as a couple, have one of them be a commitment to recognize that we are all only human and that we will make mistakes. And commit to being open to forgiveness, to not hold a grudge against your person for their humanness.

Remember, you are only human too, doing the best that you can to navigate this crazy world of love!

A red heart sitting on top of a table.#4 – To be able to advocate for what we need.

How many times have you not spoken up for what you wanted? How many times have you just gone along, not wanting to make a fuss? And how has that worked out for you?

It is key that, in every relationship, we are willing and able to advocate for what we want and need. And that we are willing and able to listen to our person when they do.

When setting goals as a couple, commit to the understanding that you both have individual needs and that respecting those needs is very important.

Even if those needs can’t be met sometimes, being allowed to verbalize them safely is the key to keeping a relationship healthy and strong.

#5 -To keep going when the going gets tough.

In this day and age, it is easy to cut and run when the going gets tough.

Instead of staying and working through issues, many couples walk away from a relationship, figuring that walking away will be easier than trying to fix something.

In this disposable world that we live in, it’s important to set a goal that neither one of you will walk away when the going gets tough. That you will commit to working through things, big and small, and keep your relationship on track.

#6 – To not take things personally.

A client of mine needed to have her husband to do something for her on the way home from work. He said he would and then he forgot. He didn’t do it maliciously – he just had other things on his mind and dropped the ball.

And what did she do? She took it totally personally and decided that his inaction was a reflection of how much he loved her.

But the truth was, he did love her. He just forgot.

It’s important that, when setting goals in your relationship, you include the understanding that, when your person does something to let you down, you won’t take it personally.

Again, your person is just a person in the world doing the best that they can. And that, even if they make mistakes, it has nothing to do with how much they love you.

#8 – To work to put issues to bed.

I know that, when I was married, issues would arise regularly. How could they not, with the crazy world we lived in?

My husband and I tried hard to address those issues when they arose but, more often than not, life got in the way and those issues got brushed under the rug, saved for another day.

Over the years, the fact that we avoided those issues became an issue. Those thousand little cuts that we did to each other over the years started to fester.

And, ultimately, those unsolved issues destroyed us.

When setting goals as a couple, resolve to work hard to settle issues as they arise and not wait for them to cause rot in your relationship that can’t be stopped.

 

#9 – To be honest about intimacy.

Talking about sex and intimacy in relationships can be very difficult. Both of those things are sensitive topics, fraught with opportunities to cause pain and confusion.

It is essential that, to keep a relationship healthy, each member of a couple agree to be honest about their wants and needs in their relationship and be willing to work together to meet those wants and needs.

Almost every single client I talk to who has had an affair counts not having any intimacy as one of the reasons. And it’s not the fact that they aren’t having sex, its that they aren’t even talking about it.

So, no matter how hard it might be, committing to keep discussions around intimacy open in your relationship will only make it stronger!

#10 – To tackle the problem, not each other.

I remember when I was married, the holidays were always an issue. His family wanted to spend time with us and I wanted to do them on our own.

My husband was caught between his mother and me and our wants and needs and it wasn’t easy for him.

Unfortunately, instead of us working together to figure out what to do about holidays, we tended to just fight about them. We went round and round about how insensitive one of us were being, or stubborn or thoughtless. It got us absolutely no where and ultimately destroyed our relationship.

So, resolve to work together to solve your problems, not just fight about them!

#11 – To make up after an argument.

Never, ever, ever go to bed angry. Never walk away from someone during an argument. Never say something in anger that you can never take back.

I am sure that this is advice that you have heard from more than one person.

Well, listen to it!

Making up after an argument is an important component of a healthy relationship. Even if the issue hasn’t been resolved, try to reconnect on a human level, with the person who you know and love.

Being able to do so will only bring you closer and perhaps even give you a clearer head to solve the problem next time it arises.

#12 – To give each other freedom.

When you and your partner are talking about relationships goals, one of the most important ones on your list should be this one giving each other freedom to do what you want to do, to be who you want to be.

Being part of a couple is wonderful but it is essential that we maintain our individuality inside that relationship.

If we don’t, if we lose sight of who we are outside of the couple. If we rely on our coupleness to define who we are, this will make us dependent on the relationship and that won’t be healthy.

Make sure that, when you talk about your life together, set a goal to give each other the freedom that is needed to be yourselves in the world.

#13 – To make time for fun.

Last but not least, when setting relationship goals, resolve that you will always make time for fun.

Life is hard and it’s easy to lose sight of the joy that can be found in it, especially in something as complicated as a committed relationship.

Make sure that you take the time to have fun together. To do the things that you did together when you were falling in love. To trying new things together.

To laughing and living and having fun. Together.

A man and woman are talking to each other.

Setting goals as a couple can seem intimidating but it doesn’t have to be.

I would encourage you to take this list and discuss it with your partner. Work together to understand each other perspectives and define what is important to you and set about doing it.

You will be glad you did!

How to Recover From a Break up – 10 Things that Really Work

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If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you have had your heart broken.

And for that I am very sorry!

I know that there is nothing worse than a broken heart.

I remember my first like it was yesterday. Bobby Fortunato broke up with me for Katie Ford my mom let me stay home from school because she knew how hard it can be.

I did get over Bobby Fortunato and you can get over the person who let you go.

So, how to recover from a break up? Here are 10 things that really work so that you can over your broken heart and move on!

#1 – Set boundaries.

The first step that you MUST do is to establish boundaries with your ex.

This means no trying to be friends. It is literally impossible to be friends with an ex after a breakup – there are too many hurt feelings.

This means not making excuses for seeing each other. You are both probably missing each other, and seeing each other will only hurt.

This means no random hooking up, hoping that things might change. They won’t.

This means NO CONTACT. This means blocking them everywhere. If your ex can reach out to you, or you them, it will sabotage your healing in a big way.

#2 – Do some research.

There is so much information online about how to recover from a break up. (Like this blog!)

I always encourage my clients, when they are in break up recovery mode, to go online and learn what they can about break ups.

I encourage them to read blogs and to interact with people who are going through break ups. Getting more information about anything only helps us work through it, and interacting with like-minded people can always be helpful.

There are two caveats to this recommendation.

The first is that you recognize that the information you find online is not directly related to you and your break up. It is someone else’s story, and some of the things that you will read won’t be relevant to you. This is important to keep in mind.

I also encourage people to do this research in the beginning but to shut it down after a week or two. If you continue doing research on break ups, then you will be stuck in break up mode and not be able to move forward.

After spending some time online learning about break ups, it’s time to spend some time online learning about moving on!

A table with books and an ipad on it

#3 – Take stock of your role.

Many of us play the victim after a break up.

We think that we did nothing wrong and that our ex is completely to blame.

I have a client who told me that he had been the perfect husband for 20 years and that his wife cheating on him wasn’t his fault. In reality, he realized that he hadn’t been the perfect husband and that, while his wife’s infidelity wasn’t justified, he did have a role to play in her turning to someone else for emotional connection.

If you are playing the victim in your break up, it will definitely sabotage your break up recovery

#4 – Don’t stalk them.

In this day and age of social media, stalking an ex is easy.

Back in the day, the only way to know what an ex was doing was by grilling their friends or trying to set ourselves up somewhere we know they might be.

Now, you can go online and, in a few clicks, see what your ex is doing and with whom.

Why will stalking hamper your recovery after a break up? Because seeing them online is breaking the ‘no contact’ rule. Knowing what they are up to, seeing that they have moved on with their life, believing that they are happy without you, will only set you back to square one in your healing.

#5 – Let yourself cry.

So many of us hold in our emotions. We are told from a young age that we need to stop crying or that it makes us weak. As a result, when we have our heart broken, we tend to stuff the pain down deep instead of letting it out.

It is so important that, in every area of life, we feel our feelings. Why? Because if we feel them, we will be able to let them out of our body. Instead of holding them inside, where they can fester and cause damage, letting them go will help us to set ourselves free from the pain.

So, cry. Get a journal and write out your feelings. Talk to your friends. Get those feelings out of your head and your body so that you can take another step recovering from a break up.

#6 – Know that you are not alone.

I am sure that, right now, you are feeling like your pain is the worst pain of all. That this break up is more painful than any other break ups. And believing that will only hold you back in your recovery.

I suggested before going online and finding other people who are struggling with a break up. Find a local divorce or break up group. Spend time with friends who are going through the same thing.

The Mayo Clinic states that the benefits of a support group are significant. Support groups will help you feel less lonely, it will reduce distress, anxiety and depression. It will help you improve your coping skills and talking openly about your pain will help others heal as well.

There is nothing like sharing our situation with others who are in the same place to help us heal after a break up.

You are not alone. Know that!

Three women laying on the ground wearing sunglasses.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

I am guessing that you might be reading this blog with a pint of ice cream in your hand. Perhaps on the couch, still in your pajamas?

This is okay. But don’t let this be your world for very long.

It is very important that, when we are recovering from a break up, we take care of ourselves.

Sleeping is the most important thing. If you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to think clearly and emotions will be harder to manage.

Exercise and eating well are also key. They will make your body feel strong and confident, and there is nothing better than having a strong body.

Furthermore, exercise helps release dopamine, a feel-good chemical that will reduce the pain of the break-up, at least for a little while.

#8 – Don’t shut people out.

For many people, the instinct to isolate themselves after a break up is strong.

After all, break ups can lead to depression and isolation is a hallmark of depression.

Shutting people out, isolating yourself from people who care about you, will only hamper your recovery.

After a break up, we often feel abandoned. We feel less than. We feel unloved. Spending time with people who love you will help you to not feel those things. Instead, you will feel loved and safe and special.

Feeling this way will only help us speed along our recovery and move on.

 

#9 – Do something special.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. I found myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone, with nothing much to do. I spent time alone, trying to figure out what was next but feeling hopeless and helpless.

And then a friend called me and asked if I was interested in taking a trip to Peru. It was a five-day hiking trip that ended at Machu Picchu. Peru was somewhere that I had always wanted to go. I jumped at the opportunity and spent 5 lovely days hiking the Andes.

This trip helped me recover from my break up for two reasons.

The first is that it got me out of my hum-drum routine into something totally different. I spent time with people I didn’t know and who didn’t know my story. I spent time with people from other cultures and learned from them.

The second reason that this trip helped with my break-up recovery is that I accomplished something. I traveled to Peru, hiked to 17,000 feet, ate foods I had never eaten before, and took a risk by branching out.

Both of these things, experiencing different things and proving to myself that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to, helped me move on in a big way!

A woman climbing up the side of a mountain.

#10 -Have hope for the future.

I know that this feels impossible right now. To have hope that you will ever love or be loved again is just beyond.

But I can tell you that you will be okay. That you will find someone else to love you. That your happily ever after is out there.

My husband left me 12 years ago. Last week, I married the love of my life. In between, I found love in many places and it made me a new, improved version of myself.

I never would have believed that this could happen. But it did. And it happens to all of my clients, without exception. If they can let go of a love that wasn’t serving them, they open up the space to find someone who will.

I am guessing that you have been through a break up before and eventually gotten past it and found love again? That will happen again. I just know it.

A woman in a straw hat is standing in the middle of sunflowers.

Knowing how to recover from a break up can be difficult.

When we are in breakup recovery mode, we often aren’t thinking clearly. Our emotions are clouding our brain and we get paralyzed.

But you can heal from your break up. You can rebuild yourself, stronger then ever. You can create the life for yourself that you have always wanted and get your happily ever after.

Instead of this being the end, it is the beginning.

I promise!

 

Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay in Relationships? 9 Surprising Reasons

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I know it seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, if someone cheats on someone, why would they want to stay in a relationship with them?

After all, they cheated. They can’t possibly still love their person and be happy in a relationship if they cheated. Right?

Actually, it’s more complicated than that. People cheat for many reasons and not only because they are no longer in love with the person they are with.

They cheat because they might struggle with low self-esteem or they have a hard time with commitment or they don’t feel loved or they need variety or they feel neglected or because the opportunity arises and, of course, sexual desire.

It is very rare (although it does happen) that someone cheats because they want to get out of a relationship.

So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships after they have cheated?

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – They still love you.

You might be thinking “how can people cheat on someone they love?†It just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you would never do that, correct?

But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Just being in love isn’t enough to help someone heal their wounds. Yes, love is wonderful and it makes us feel better in the world but love doesn’t fix everything.

Someone who is well-loved and in love might still suffer from low self-esteem or depression, and that might lead them to cheat. Or they might feel neglected by the person they love and so they turn to another to make themselves feel better.

What they don’t want, at all, is to let go of the person they love. They love that person and want to be with them, and they see the cheating as something that is totally outside of their love story with their person.

I know it seems weird, but the number one reason why cheaters want to stay in relationships is that they still love their person.

#2 – They feel guilty.

Imagine you are someone who just cheated on someone you love.

Perhaps it’s your spouse or your partner or even a friend.

Can you imagine the guilt that you must feel? It must be pretty overwhelming, no?

So, what might be your instinct when you are feeling guilty about cheating?

To stay, perhaps, and try to fix things? Yes, probably.

Ironically, staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t a good reason to do so. If you don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are willing to address the root cause of it, staying will only make things worse.

I always encourage cheaters who want to stay because they feel guilty to ask themselves if staying is really the best thing for their partners or are they staying for themselves and their guilt?

#3 – They are scared.

Cheaters who want to stay in relationships often do so because they are scared.

They are scared of letting go of someone they still love. They are scared to be out there in the world, on their own. They are scared that they will never find someone else to love and that their reputation will be forever tarnished as a cheater.

Fear is a very powerful emotion, something that keeps us from putting ourselves in harm’s way and it’s something that’s hard to overcome. When people cheat on someone they still love, the idea of losing them is almost more than they can bear.

But, again, it’s important that, if a cheater wants to stay in a relationship, that they do so because they want to make things work, not because they are scared about what is on the other side of a break up or divorce.

#4 – They don’t have other options.

This is a big one. People often want to stay in a relationship after they cheated because they have no other option than to do so.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients whose partners cheated and whom they want to leave are still in a relationship with them because there are no other options.

Perhaps it’s the finances that make someone stay or have no place to go. Or, if they leave, there will be no one to provide childcare or take care of the home.

Perhaps it’s the fact that they believe that, if they go, they won’t have any other options to find love. That the love they have, even if it’s damaged, is better than no love at all.

Having options is one of the most important things to have in one’s life, and not having them can paralyze someone when it comes to making a move.

#5 – They fear change.

According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter, writing for the Harvard Business Review, people hate change for a multitude of reasons. Change means a loss of control, uncertainty, loss of face, and concern about whether they can handle it. Fear that changing one thing might change other things. Worry that the change will backfire and that things will get worse.

A person who has cheated, especially if they have been found out, will already be dealing with a world that feels pretty wobbly.

Cheating, while it sounds sexy, will rock someone’s world, shaking the foundation of everything that they assumed about themselves.

The last thing that they want is for things to change ever further, to have to leave the family or the house that gives them the stability that they need.

And so, they want to stay!

#6 – They don’t feel good about themselves.

One of the number one reasons why people cheat, in my opinion, is because they have a low opinion of themselves.

They don’t like who they are in the world and they haven’t learned how to manage or change and so they have had to create coping mechanisms to live with themselves.

One of those coping mechanisms might be cheating. By focusing on their infidelity and their affair partner, they don’t have to think about how much they hate themselves. They are also spending time with someone who thinks they are wonderful and tells them that regularly.

When a person is no longer cheating, they need to revert to other coping mechanisms, ones that may or may not work. And the idea of leaving their partner, especially if they still love them, might be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.

They might not think that they deserve their partner, because they cheated, but leaving them will only make them feel worse about themselves.

A scary thing indeed.

#7 – They are worried about finances.

Money, money, money. It makes the world go ‘round.

For many people, they stay in their relationship after cheating because they worry about finances. Because they are anxious that, if they leave, their long-term financial health might be damaged.

And, of course, many people stay because they just can’t afford to do it, right now.

Unfortunately, staying in a relationship because of money will, most likely, just lead to a lifetime of misery. If we don’t stay in a relationship because we truly want to make the relationship work, then we won’t ever be happy.

That being said, staying might be the only option if finances are in issue, in which case, working together to try to figure out how to make co-habitation work would be wise.

#8 – They still want sex.

Sex, sex, sex – the other thing that makes the world go ‘round.

For many men, having sex is a driving factor in their life. They think about it every day and would love nothing more than to have a partner who wants as much sex as they do.

And they know that, if they leave, the chances that they have to have sex anytime soon are slim. Furthermore, for someone who might have been recently having sex with more than one person, the prospect of the absence of sex might feel overwhelming.

So, yes, cheaters who want to stay in relationships are often cheaters who want sex and hope that, if they stay, they will still be able to get the sex that they desire.

#9 – They have hope.

Many, many people who cheat regret that they did so. They know that the affair didn’t fix their lives the way that they had hoped it would. They know that they only caused other people pain. They know that they let themselves down. They promise themselves that they will do better.

And, with these thoughts in mind, they want to stay.

They want to stay so that they can work on things – both personally and as a couple – hoping that things will still be okay.

They believe that, if they leave, that will mean the end of the relationship and that they will never have the chance to make things right, something that they want to do.

I hope that you now see that cheaters want to stay in relationships for a variety of reasons.

Some of them, like hope and love, are excellent reasons to stay. They signal that the cheater wants to work to make amends and to make change and to get the relationship back on track.

Some of them are selfish, like the fear of being alone and not getting laid. Many cheaters are selfish, so these reasons, while not being okay, are on brand.

And some reasons are purely practical, like not having options or having financial anxiety.

Whatever the reasons, the fact that a cheater wants to stay in a relationship is not unusual.

If your person has cheated and wants to stay, find out why. That will help your decision about whether they should stay or should go easier.

You can do it!

Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

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Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

10 Easy-To-Miss Stages of a Dying Marriage

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Many of my clients come to me wondering if their marriage is dead.

It can be hard to tell, from the inside looking out, where one’s marriage stands.

Why? Because, as the years go on, some behaviors, good and bad, become normalized, and it’s hard to tell if they are affecting the marriage in a negative way.

What my clients know is that they are unhappy in their relationship, but they aren’t sure if that means it’s over.

I tell them that there are specific signs, specific stages of a dying marriage, that can be easy to miss.

Knowing what they are is a crucial way to know if your marriage is dead or if it might be resuscitated.

Here are 10 easy-to-miss stages of a dying marriage to help you decide the next steps in your.

#1 – Out of sight, out of mind.

Do you find that, when you are away from your spouse, you never think about them, much less miss them?

Do you find that you only think about them when you are apart when you need them? Or when you are angry with them?

For people who are in a happy marriage, part of that marriage is having that person on your mind, or at least coming to mind, while you are apart.

Thinking about them shows that they are important to you which is a good sign that your marriage might not be dead.

#2 – Not noticing the little things.

When you are first with someone, it’s the little things that are so special.

The cute way that they do things. The jeans that hug their butt just so. The silliness that they display when they talk to their mom. The way they rejoice in making you happy.

As marriages go on, it’s easy to stop noticing the little things. Time and familiarity make it so those little things seem to not be as important anymore.

And, as a result, spouses can start to feel invisible and unloved.

Ironically, not noticing the little things is an easy-to-miss stage of a dying marriage because, more often than not, not noticing the little things at first is a sign of being comfortable and familiar with your partner. Ultimately though, as time goes on, that comfort can cause a disconnection that can end a marriage.

#3 – Ignoring the tension in the room.

When my ex-husband decided to go back to business school, which meant leaving the house every other weekend and being consumed with homework when he was home, I was so very angry beyond angry.

But we never talked about it. Instead, we just pretended that I didn’t care.

Over the two years when he was in school, there wasn’t a moment when the two of us were in the same room that there wasn’t tension. Instead of addressing it, though, we ignored it.

It got worse and worse, and I am sure that our marriage never recovered from those periods of sadness and anger and we are now divorced.

#4 – Loss of intimacy.

This is the sign of a dying marriage is that isn’t as hard to miss.

According to Marriage.com, sex increases levels of commitment in a marriage. Because of intimacy, a couple who might get disconnected over the course of the day or week can reconnect through physical touch.

And that can save a marriage.

Unfortunately, in many relationships, women need to feel connected before they are willing to have sex while men need sex to feel connected. This leads to a détente and sex that never happens and might even lead to even more disconnect between the two.

#5 – Lots of acts of service.

One thing that I noticed as my marriage died was how many acts of service we did for each other.

I would bring him lunch at work. He would take the kids away for the weekend to give me some space. He would take out the garbage, and I would make his favorite meal.

Both of us did these things because we were trying to show the other love.

Unfortunately, my love language is quality time, and his physical touch, and the acts of service that we were doing for each other made neither one of us feel loved.

And, because we weren’t feeling loved, it was hard to fight for the marriage, and ours eventually died.

#6 – Talking about the weather.

Does this happen to you? Do you find that you talk about the weather or current events or kid’s activities or that the car needs to be fixed but do not talk about anything of any substance at all?

Do you do this because you have found that you have nothing left in common, nothing to talk about?

Or perhaps you do this because you are both avoiding talking about the elephant in the room and so you keep the conversation surface level.

Whatever the reason, not being able to talk about things is definitely a sign that your marriage might be dead.

#7 – Not having fun together.

Just like having things to talk about, to keep a marriage strong, it is essential that the couple has fun together.

That they take the time to share experiences that they both enjoy. To stay up to date with each other’s interests. To spend time together laughing and appreciating each other.

This can be a slippery slope in a marriage. While the things that you both enjoyed initially attracted you to each other, as time goes on, those interests can diverge. And diverge to the point where you have nothing in common anymore.

They can also diverge to the point that you have disdain for what they want to do and only participate grudgingly.

Do you and your spouse still have fun together? If not, then that could well be that your marriage is dying.

#8 – Your friends don’t want to spend time with you.

Have you noticed that invitations from friends have gotten increasingly sparse?

Do your neighbors not drop by as much?

Does your family tell you they don’t like what they see between you and your spouse?

Even though many couples don’t see just how bad off their marriage is, people on the outside definitely can. They can read the tension and see the contempt and hear the complaining.

Being with that couple can be uncomfortable and just plain not fun. And so they make excuses to spend time elsewhere, ironically leaving the unhappy couple to themselves to become even more unhappy.

#9 – Being antagonistic.

Do you find that you are picking fights with your spouse all the time?

Instead of talking about things that are frustrating you, are you passive-aggressive, saying unkind things under your breath and then saying that everything is fine?

Being antagonistic is definitely a sign of an unhappy marriage. Imagine if a friend acted that way, picking fights and being rude. Would they still be your friend? I am guessing not.

People in a happy marriage don’t pick fights and be passive-aggressive. They treat their partner with respect and try to communicate clearly about things that are important to them!

#10 – No willingness to act.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me that their spouses aren’t willing to get help for their marriage.

That they don’t see the need or don’t believe in therapy or make excuses that they don’t have the time.

As a result, things just stay the way they are or get worse.

A good marriage is a marriage that is being consistently worked on. It’s two people who want the marriage to be healthy and are willing to do whatever they need to do to keep it that way, and they do so without rancor.

For a couple who is stuck in unhealthy patterns because the desire to not deal is there, their marriage will definitely die a slow, painful death.

Are you reading this article because you want to save your marriage? Then I would suggest that, when you are done, you talk to your partner about getting help to work on your marriage, perhaps rebuilding it into something strong.

Sometimes the stages of a dying marriage are hard to spot.

Much like when we are drowning and trying to keep our heads above water, so being in the midst of an unhappy relationship can be hard to see.

It’s important that couples recognize the signs that their marriage is not a healthy one so that they can take the steps that they need to take to save it, if they want to.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be DOA. There is still time to save it, if you both want to!

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