5 Signs You Are Addicted to Toxic Relationships

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Many of us are addicted to toxic relationships.

It might seem counterintuitive because all we want is a healthy one but many of us choose toxicity over and over and over.

I didn’t realize that, until I got in a healthy relationship, I was someone who was totally addicted to toxic relationships. I don’t know why exactly but I knew they were exciting and adrenaline producing and that kept things spicy, which I liked and was addicted to.

And this addiction kept me from finding happiness with another person.

Are you addicted to toxic relationships? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how to change it.

#1 – Red flags? What red flags?

Are you one of those people who sees red flag and who purposely ignores them?

Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex or struggling to keep a job or has a temper or tries to control you?

Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run?

Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?

When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone who he was engaged to had walked away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.

I saw those red flags and I ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.

It did not take long for our relationship to get toxic. We drank a lot together which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his friends pushed him away and that, when he was with people, he got loud and obnoxious, which made me crabby. He disappeared on Sundays, to this day, I do not know why, which made me not trust him. His job consumed him and the stress of it made him not fun to be with.

We fought and had sex and I hated him and loved him and broke up with him and got back together with him. I was completely addicted to the cycle and couldn’t get out.

Unfortunately, that addiction kept me from finding the relationship that I was really looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.

#2 – You are a relationship jumper.

Are you one of those people who does not stay in a relationship very long?

Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?

I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a life time.

And then, within a few months, something shifts. She gets bored. Things are too good. She starts creating problems where there shouldn’t be. She pulls back from them and starts acting passive aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy.

Does she walk away? No. She stays in this relationship, in spite of the troubles that she created, addicted to the toxic relationship in spite of herself.

My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it become one that is healthy and sticks.

#3 – You are a pushover.

Many people who are addicted to toxic relationships are pushovers.

You know what I mean the type of person who is low in self-esteem, who is willing to take endless amounts of shit from their partners in silence. The kind of person who lets their person walk all over them without any repercussions.

So, why are people who are pushovers most likely addicted to toxic relationships? Because, by letting their person abuse them and get away with it, they are choosing to stay no matter what the cost.

I was involved with a man once who used to take me for granted. He would call when he felt like it and disappear otherwise. When we were together, he was hot and cold. Sometimes he would be angry at me for no reason. I was constantly walking around on tip toe, trying to keep him from reacting to me in a negative way.

When things were good, they were GOOD. When they were bad, they were horrible.

I think that I was addicted to those good times. I didn’t want them to go away. And I was willing to put up with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff.

Much like a drinker who is willing to put up with the killer hangovers as long as he can have the booze he is addicted to, so was I willing to put up with whatever to get those moments of happiness that I craved.

#4 – You thrive on drama.

I am a Pisces and Pisces love, love, love drama. It is kind of confusing because we also just want peace but I guess we all have multiple sides to our personality.

Anyway, before I got into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.

I had a boyfriend who I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him but I couldn’t get used to actually being content in a good relationship.

So, I would create drama. One night, I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met up with a guy friend and decided to go on a midnight road trip with him. The night ended up with him in jail for running a toll booth and me having to explain to my boyfriend what had happened.

I had no intention of doing anything with this guy friend but, by making the choices that I did that night, I knew that I would inject a little drama into my relationship.

And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.

While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. To be honest, after a while, I found that I was addicted to it. If a day or two went by with no drama, I would make some.

So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who might just be addicted to toxic relationships.

#5 – The sex is amazing.

So, be honest. Does make up sex turn you on in a big way?

Do you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner but do you LOVE the make-up sex that you have after a fight?

Back when I was single I had the strangest proclivity. I loved to have sex with men as I was breaking up with them. I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I often had the best sex I had had with guys when I was breaking up with them.

Many of my clients who are in toxic, chaotic relationships, stay because the sex is great. They know that they shouldn’t be staying but they are worried that, if they leave, they will never know sex like this again. Many of them have never had sex this good in their life.

And why is the sex so good? Because, after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All of the chemicals that are coursing through your body heighten your senses and enhances the sexual experience.

Who doesn’t love sex that is amazing?

So, if you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break- up sex, you just might be someone who wants and needs a toxic relationship.

Now that you know the signs that you might just be addicted to a toxic relationship, are any of them ringing true?

Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean are the first step towards breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change.

People who are addicted to toxic relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill prepared for a healthy relationship. They believe that they aren’t worthy of true love and deserve to be abused.

I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example for what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced is was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into romantic relationships, I had no idea what to do.

What I know now is that, by staying in a toxic relationship with no future, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, by cheating, by being a pushover and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged.

Awareness of these patterns was key to me starting to make change.

You can do this too. You can break the pattern of your addictive behavior, escape from it and live happily ever after!

I promise!

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises

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Nothing is worse than when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, even though he says he won’t ever do it again.

And you know that he will because he lies over and over and over. And you have been there for every one of them.

Are you sick of it? Do you wish, more than anything, that, because your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, there might be something that you can do to change things?

I get it. Who wants to be with someone who won’t do what they say they will do?

Things To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises:

Here are 5 things to do if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises so that you can deal with it and decide the next steps.

#1 – Don’t Take It Personally:

First and foremost, I would encourage you to try not to take the fact that your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises personally.

People who are liars are liars. They lie indiscriminately. They lie about where they have been. They lie about the color of the sky. They lie about what they had for dinner.

People who lie are often very insecure about protecting themselves, their reputation, and their place in the world.

When your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it has nothing to do with you it is about him.

My client’s boyfriend repeatedly promises to join her and her mother for their Thursday night dinner. And, every week, he has an excuse not to. Eventually, my client started taking it personally, believing he would come to dinner with her and her mother if he loved her.

The reality is is that her boyfriend broke his promise not because he disrespected her but because he wasn’t comfortable, for whatever reason, with going out to dinner. Maybe he didn’t like her mom or was intimidated by her. Maybe he didn’t like the restaurant. Maybe softball always happens on Thursdays.

Whatever the reason for his lie, it was never about her that I knew for sure.

#2 – Call Him On It:

An important thing to do when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises is to call him on it.

The key part is HOW you call him on it.

I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend after the lie occurs. My client’s case is when she gets home from another dinner with her mom without her boyfriend.

I would encourage her not to attack but to stay calm and clear. Last week, you promised that you would have dinner with my mother. You broke that promise tonight.

If you can stay calm and not launch into accusation mode, you will likely get through to him. If you attack him, he will get defensive, make excuses, and maybe even blame you. If you calmly state a fact, what can he do? After all, he knows that he broke his promise to you.

#3 – Don’t Get Passive-Aggressive:

This is very important. If you don’t call your boyfriend on his breaking his promises, it is essential that you can’t act hot and cold instead.

Passive aggressiveness is the best way to make no progress in a disagreement. Why? Because being passive-aggressive only makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Let’s say my client came home from dinner and ignored her husband. Let’s say she got changed, turned on the TV, and answered his questions with one-word answers. Let’s say she went to bed, sleeping in the guest room this time. Let’s say in the morning; he got no breakfast.

Sure, my client was showing her boyfriend that he had upset her by breaking another promise and deserved to be ignored and treated with contempt. But doing that only gave her boyfriend the upper hand.

When they finally did discuss what happened, the conversation would be as much about her reaction to what happened as to the fact that he had broken another promise. He would be happy to deflect what he had done and focus on her bad behavior.

The discussion would dissolve into a fight, and nothing would get resolved because both of them would be focused on each other’s bad behavior instead of focusing on the cause of the issue that her boyfriend keeps breaking his promises.

So, be direct. Stay calm. And, by no means, get passive-aggressive.

#4 – Accept That Things Won’t Change:

I hear from my clients that they don’t understand why their boyfriends don’t change.

After all, their boyfriends know that they are upsetting my clients, and they recognize that they need to do things differently and promise to do so. So, why can’t they follow through and do so?

Because they don’t love you? No!

Their boyfriends can’t follow through because they are making their promises to make them happy, to stop them from being angry at them. They are breaking their promises because what they have promised is not necessarily something they want to do. They make the promise at the moment to keep you happy.

No person will change their behaviors unless they actively want to. If your boyfriend is going to change, he will have to be the one to want to do it. Until then, no matter how many promises he makes to you to keep you quiet in the moment when the time comes, he will, more likely than not, break that promise. Again.

So, don’t wait around for things to change. Know that they most likely won’t unless he wants them to.

#5 – Walk Away:

I can’t state it enough if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it is okay to walk away.

I know that it might seem like some of these broken promises aren’t a big deal and that you can rationalize his behavior, but the truth is that you can’t trust or rely on someone who breaks his promises.

And trust is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, the relationship is doomed.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who you can’t believe what they say? How about being with someone who wasn’t there when you needed them because they broke their promise? How about knowing you can’t count on them to help you when you need help?

That doesn’t sound good, does it? Everyone wants someone they can count on, who they know has their back, and who will be there when needed.

So, walk away if you have to. The broken promises might not feel like that big a deal now, but if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises repeatedly, that does not make a good boyfriend.

If your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, I am so sorry.

I am sure that his breaking his promises has done a number on your self-esteem. I am sure that you feel responsible for his behavior and, if you are being passive-aggressive, that you might not be behaving the way you would like to in response.

So, it is time to take action. Remember not to take the broken promise personally. Calmly talk to your boyfriend about breaking his promises, and never be passive-aggressive. Know that unless they want to change, they won’t. And embrace the fact that it is ok to walk away.

You want to be in a relationship with someone you trust, and if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, you will never trust him again!

Why So Many Women Fall For Damaged Men

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It doesn’t seem logical that so many women for damaged men.

I mean we are smart, we are wise, we are self-confident, we should know better. Right?

However, for a variety of reasons, when it comes to certain men, all of those strengths can melt away and we are left at the mercy of men who can suck us dry.

Knowing why we tend to fall for damaged men is the key to understanding why we do it so that we can stop doing it! NOW.

#1 – Father issues.

Did you know that women who have a healthy relationship with their fathers tend to grow into healthier, happier and stronger women?  Unfortunately, for many of us, those healthy relationships just weren’t established over the course of our lives.

If you are one of the lucky ones, I am guessing that you might not be reading this article. If you are one of the rest, like me, then you know what I mean.

For me, my father was absent. He was one of those dads who worked a lot and left the child care to my mother. He was around but not present. And when he was present, he was very sarcastic. Whenever I told him a goal or accomplishment, he put me down saying I wouldn’t be able to do it.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and he found a new wife, who hated me, and moved to Australia. Since then, he has repeatedly chosen his wife over me which, in combination with the sarcasm, left me feeling abandoned and unloved. It was the same for my sister.

Since then, my sister and I both have been in a series of relationships with unhealthy men. We are drawn to men, like our father, ones who we believe can fix and hopefully make up for the pain that our dad caused to our psyche.

For me, in particular, I have a habit of choosing men who lie. They lie about anything, literally. As a result, I can never trust them and that leads to a downward spiral in the relationship that always left me heartbroken. I did this over and over until I finally accepted that my relationship with my dad was what it was and that I didn’t have to bring that baggage into my relationships.

So, how is your relationship with your father? If it isn’t a good one, it might explain why you fall for damaged men.

#2 – Make believe.

Think about to every rom-com you have ever watched. You know the ones where the girl and the guy find each other in the end, all set to live happily ever after.

Now, how many of those movies involve a damaged guy getting the girl in the end? Every one, right?

Think of Dirty Dancing good girl Baby falls for the smooth, bad boy Johnny. In The Breakfast Club, Claire falls for the rebel Johnny. In Grease, Sandy falls for Danny. In Lost, Kate for Sawyer. The list goes on and on.

As we all know, we are strongly influenced by what we see on TV and in the movies. From a very young age we are exposed to relationships that are idealized and performative but not necessarily attainable. As a result, we are constantly seeking out something that doesn’t exist.

In these movies, we see the good girl meeting the damaged, bad boy, reforming him and making him fall in love with her as a result. How romantic!

Unfortunately, this story is just movies and TV. Women so want to fix their men but you can’t fix someone unless they want to be fixed. So, women are left there, holding on to their damaged man, believing that if they just love them enough, everything will work out. And it doesn’t, most often.

So, do you use TV and movies as a model of what you believe your relationships can look like? If yes, then you might be turning towards damaged men in an effort to mirror what you see in media.

#3 – The challenge.

I don’t know what it is about human beings but we always need to be challenged, especially in relationships!

Be honest. How many times have you been in a relationship with a guy and said that he was too nice,boring, or that he was boring or that he didn’t challenge you? And how many of those relationships are you still in?

The thing about bad guys is that they are a challenge. We see them as damaged puppies who just need the love of a good woman to make them whole. And we women love to take on challenges like that.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients reach out to me because they are in toxic relationships that they can’t get out of. Without exception, as they tell me their story, they indicate that their person came to them with some issues, some red flags, that they ignored because they wanted to believe that this person was their person and that, with enough love, they could fix them.

As a result of ignoring those issues, my clients are stuck in relationships with damaged men who can become emotionally absent and/or abusive. People who have unprocessed issues can be prone to anger and violence and, unfortunately, the person who is often on the receiving end of that anger and violence is the partner.

So, take a look at your inclination to pursue damaged guys. Is it because of the challenge that he might present to you, the drama that might make things spicy?

I know that you just want a healthy relationship and that you don’t want to play games. And I get that and totally agree. But a healthy relationship is found in the balance between bad boys and boring. A healthy relationship is one where you feel challenged but you also feel good about yourself.

That person is out there for you that perfectly balanced guy who can love you in a healthy way.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, many women fall for damaged men are often women who don’t feel very good about themselves.

I have a client who has spent her entire life struggling. She was raped when she was in high school, got addicted to drugs and was homeless. She let herself be abused by everybody in her life in her hopes of being loved.

She did eventually pull her life together and started a successful business. But, in spite of her success, she still didn’t feel good about herself. She did not believe that she deserved anyone other than a damaged man. Why would a healthy man want to be with her, after all?

As a result, she found herself in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. She would continue to degrade herself, trying to get her partner to love her and to treat her well. Unfortunately, so many of the men who she attracted because of her insecurities were also deeply damaged and incapable of making any woman feel good about themselves.

So, my poor client was repeatedly going down this rabbit hole of falling for damaged men because she just did not believe that she deserved any better.

It is only once she started taking a good look at herself and who she was in the world that she started to see her self-worth and make wiser choices when it came to men!

#5 – Fear of being alone.

So many of my clients live in mortal fear that they will never find their person. That they will be left alone and childless and that they will be miserable.

As a result, my clients aren’t picky about who they chose to love and thus they fall in love with unhealthy guys. They figure that some guy is better than no guy and that, at least, they won’t be alone.

Unfortunately, what my clients discover is that being in a relationship with a damaged man is very often worse than being alone. They do have a partner at their side at social events and they might have children but the reality of their lives is much different.

Perhaps their person is abusive. Or perhaps their person suffers from a mental health condition that makes him unable to care of his family. Or perhaps they have trust issues from a past relationship. No matter what the issue, big or small, an issue can have a disastrous effect on a relationship.

So, consider this next time you are leaning towards falling for a damaged man. Are you doing so because of the man in front of you or are you doing it because you are scared of being alone?

It really is amazing how many women fall for damaged men.

Whether it is because of their past issues with their fathers, the influence of media on their understanding of relationships, their need to be challenged or their fear of being alone, women who choose, and stay with, damaged men are destined for a relationship that will not be an easy one.

So, take a good look at the perspectives that you have about relationships do you need a challenge? Do you want to fix someone? Do you need to find your Danny Zuko to be happy?

Understanding what you think you want vs. what you do want is a good way to find the healthy relationship that you seek so that you can be happy, once and for all!

 

5 Ways I Set the Stage For My Spouse’s Cheating

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In retrospect, I know that, in many ways, I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame myself for his cheating but I do know that, in many ways, my actions made it so that our relationship was vulnerable to one of us stepping out.

I have a tremendous amount of regret for the things that I did that made our marriage susceptible to infidelity and I want to share them with you today so that you don’t make the same mistakes I made over the course of my marriage.

Here are 5 ways I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

#1 – I took him for granted.

When we first got married, my life was all about us as a couple.

We worked together and played together and life was grand.

And then we had kids and everything changed.

The kids and their activities became the focus of my life. Whatever they needed took priority over anything else. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life and having kids meant all of my dreams had come true.

Unfortunately, I think the arrival of the kids were my spouse’s nightmare.

I am not saying that he didn’t love the kids. He loved them madly. I am saying that my focus totally turned away from him and towards the children and I am sure that must have felt horrible for him.

And, not only did I focus on the kids, I expected him to focus on the kids as well, to make them the center of our family and not us.

As a result, I just expected him to be there when I needed him. I expected him to pick the kids up if I needed him to. To take them away on Saturday mornings so that I could get things done. To coach soccer and to go to races. Etc.

And I am not sure that I ever asked him to do those things I just assumed that he would.

I am hoping that I said thank you for the things that he did but I am guessing that I wasn’t so good at doing that which probably left him feeling unimportant and invisible.

Perhaps, if I had made him more a part of the team instead of this person who would do my bidding, I wouldn’t have left him feeling this way and, when someone else came along who might actually see him, he might have been able to resist the temptation to stray.

#2 – I treated him with contempt.

This is the thing that I regret the most.

I know that, in spite of everything that he did for me, everything that I took for granted that he went along with, with no complaints, I treated my spouse with contempt.

The definition of contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. And this is exactly how I treated him.

When he came home late from work and missed dinner, I said that I would fire” him. When he did something, but not the way I wanted him to, I would passive aggressively say something demeaning.

I criticized the way he did everything telling him what he was doing wrong. I didn’t support his dreams and hobbies but brushed them off as pipe dreams that he would never achieve.

There is nothing that will kill a relationship quicker than contempt. Why? Because with contempt comes feelings of anger and resentment. Of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Of not trusting your partner to care about your feelings. Of believing that not only do they not love you but that they don’t even like you.

I wish, more than anything, that I hadn’t treated my spouse with contempt. I wish I had been open and honest and supportive and respectful with and of him.

I am not sure that I have ever treated anyone else with contempt- so why did I treat him that way?

Regardless, when someone else came along, I had set the stage for my spouse’s cheating because when that person treated him well, he naturally turned towards them and the love and respect they gave him.

#3 – I spent more time with my friends than with him.

Before we had kids, my spouse and I did everything together.

We worked together, we hung out with friends together, we travelled together, we had fun together. A lot of fun.

But, after the kids were born, everything changed.

A big reason for this is that our focus shifted  me to the kids and him towards work and supporting us. We no longer shared our days and experiences but rather, more often than not, did things completely separately.

And when you don’t share experiences, it’s easy to grow apart.

I know that over the course of our marriage, I spent more and more time with my friends. We would walk together in the mornings, have play dates together, go to the movies together and go away on weekends. We did the fun and bonding things that I used to do with my husband.

And no longer sharing those things only drove us further apart until there was very little that we shared other than the kids.

We didn’t do this on purpose, and I am not even sure that I noticed that I was doing it at the time, but, in retrospect, I wish that we had made an effort to spend more time together, to stay connected with the things that had drawn us together in the first place.

If we had, there wouldn’t have been space in my spouse’s life when another woman came along to have fun with him.

#4 – I put too much distance between us.

This one is not entirely my fault but it is something that I think caused a significant rift in our relationship, one that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

When our kids were little, my spouse decided that he needed to do two things hike the Grand Canyon and go back to school for his master’s. To do those things, he needed to leave me alone with the kids. Over and over and over.

I was angry when he did these things but, over time, I started to realize that, in many ways, it was easier when he wasn’t around. There was no disruption with his comings and goings and I was free to do things where and when I wanted to do them.

As the years went by, we found ourselves spending less and less time actually living together. His work led him to Canada where he lived for six months. Later, I had to move away, temporarily, with my son who was having some issues at school.

These things separated us for months, making both of us feel lonely and abandoned. As a result, he was vulnerable to someone coming along who was there, present, and who wouldn’t leave him feeling alone.

#5 – I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

The number one thing that I didn’t do that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating is that I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

In the moment, I probably did not really understand how I was feeling. I was just going through my days, trying to keep my head above water, organizing everything that was our crazy family life. But, I know now, that I was miserable and a big part of that was because I was so disconnected from my husband.

I had loved him madly when we got married and I was so excited that we would get to build a life and a family together. As the years went on and we became increasingly estranged from each other, I was sad. Very sad and lonely. I missed him and the couple that we were.

But I wasn’t able to express those feelings at the time, maybe because I didn’t see them but more likely because I was scared. I was scared that, if I spoke the words out loud, it was cause some kind of implosion in our lives, an implosion that I did not think that I could quite handle.

I think that I was also worried that I would lose him. I assumed that, if we could just get through this period of time, we would be able to find our way back to each other. But I was wrong.

Not only didn’t I tell him about how I was feeling, I also spent tons of time talking to my friends about how miserable I was. About the things that we did and didn’t do together, about our disconnection and our long absences. They knew how I was feeling, but he didn’t.

As a result, when he cheated on me and ended our marriage, none of my friends were surprised. I was but they had seen the writing on the wall for a long time.

If only I had talked to my husband, maybe when someone else came along who could talk to him about how they were feeling, to connect around those emotions, he wouldn’t have moved towards them and away from me.

So, there are 5 ways that I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

I hope they give you some sense of what not to do in your marriage so that it does not end badly.

Again, I don’t blame myself for what happened. After all, I was in the same relationship and I didn’t stray. But I know that I have a large part of the responsibility for what happened in our marriage and its demise.

I mean, who wants to be taken for granted, treated with contempt, abandoned and not communicated with?

I know I wouldn’t. And he didn’t too!

7 Surprising Signs that Your Boyfriend Might Be Cheating

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I am guessing that you are reading this article because you believe that your boyfriend might be cheating.

I am guessing that you are feeling pretty devastated and that you aren’t thinking clearly around what might be going on.

I am guessing that you could use some help figuring it all out.

It’s so hard to wrap your head around the fact that your boyfriend might be cheating. After all, you love him, you have shared experiences, you have hopes for the future. How could he put all of those things in jeopardy by stepping out on you?

Let me give you some clarity by sharing some examples of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating, examples that might help clear your cloudy mind and help you decide next steps.

Here are 7 surprising signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

#1 – He isn’t where he says he will be.

I know that this one might not be so surprising but it belongs on any list of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

A client of mine was home sick and her boyfriend said that he was going to lunch with his friends. She wanted him to bring home some medicine so she reached out to him to ask him to do so. When she couldn’t reach him, she texted his friend, the friend who was not actually having lunch with him.

So, where was he? My client had no idea and it definitely planted some doubt in her mind.

And, yep, she learned, down the line, he was cheating.

Do you generally know where your boyfriend is and what he is doing? Not every minute of every day but do you feel confident that he isn’t lying to you? If not, your guy might just be cheating.

#2 – His sex drive has changed.

Many men who are having an affair have a reduced sex drive. Why? Because they are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere. Not only are their needs being met elsewhere but, after sex with someone else, they have little left to give their partner.

As a result, people who are being cheated on are also being denied sex for themselves.

Interestingly, when someone’s boyfriend might be cheating, this lack of interest in sex can follow a period of increased interest in sex. This can be caused by an unconsummated affair, where sexual tension is heightened but no action has yet been taken. In other words, he needs an outlet for the desire he is feeling for this new person and his partner is there for that!

Has your boyfriend’s sex drive changed? Are you noticing that he wants more or less sex than he has in the past? If yes, it just might be possible that your boyfriend is having an affair!

#3 – He is impatient with you.

People who are having an affair are feeling GUILTY. They know that what they are doing is wrong, on so many levels. And how might that guilt show up? As anger towards their partner.

This impatience is classic projection. Instead of being impatient and angry with themselves, they project their feelings onto their partner. They project their feelings onto the person who they are cheating on, justifying to themselves, in some way, their affair.

If they are feeling impatient and frustrated by their partners, it’s easier for cheaters to detach themselves from them and move forward with fooling around.

So, pay attention to your partners moods. Are they different than they were before? Is he impatient with you in a way that he hasn’t been before? Is he quick to anger and blame around any random issue? Is he not the man who you fell in love with?

If yes, he just might be stepping out on you.

#4 – He questions whether you are fooling around.

Many men who are having an affair accuse their partner of having one as well. Why? Two things.

The first is that the cheater believes that, if he can cheat, anyone can cheat. And so why wouldn’t his partner cheat on him? On some level, he might actually believe that his partner is truly cheating on him and he feels that his accusations are justified.

The second is that guilt I referred to above. The cheater feels guilty for what they are doing and, if they accuse their partner of cheating, it not only makes them feel better about themselves, it also can serve to deflect any conversations that might be happening about their potential infidelity and focus it elsewhere on their partner.

Is your boyfriend accusing you of cheating, for no reason? If yes, your boyfriend might be cheating and it might be time to walk away.

#5 – He can’t answer simple questions.

My client told me that her boyfriend had changed. That, for most of their relationship, they had been able to talk about anything and everything, whether it be chores or emotions or their social life. Now, out of nowhere, he can’t and won’t talk about anything.

When she brings up why he didn’t do something he said he would do, he barks at her. When she asks him why he is home late, he storms out of the room. When she asks him how lunch was with his friend, he says fine and volunteers nothing more.

She says that she feels like she is alone in the relationship, that when she tries to talk to him, she either gets met with anger or silence. And it hurts, big time.

Why might your guy be unable to answer questions if they are cheating?

Again, it might be the guilt that they are feeling around their affair. It also might be because of their need to protect the lies that they are telling around their affair. After all, lying isn’t easy and, the more vague you are with your partner, the easier it will be to cover your tracks.

#6 – He wants to stay home.

Does your guy want to stay home more often then he used to?

Instead of being excited to hang out with friends or go to the movies or to the local bar, does your boyfriend want to order in and watch Netflix?

If the answer to this question is yes, then it is possible that your boyfriend might be cheating on you.

Why? Because he is worried that, if you go out, you might run into the person he is having an affair with, or somehow find out, and that could blow the whole thing up. And that idea scares the shit out of him!

So, are you finding that you are binging Stranger Things” more than usual? If yes, it just might be because your boyfriend is cheating and scared to leave the house with you.

#7 – His friends are avoiding you.

This is a big one.

Guys are horrible at keeping secrets and the last thing in the world that they want to do is risk letting you know that their friend is cheating.

So, what do they do? They avoid you. They go out of their way to not be there when you are around and, if you are, they will make sure that they have as little contact with you as possible.

They do not want to be the one who spills the beans about this relationship and have to deal with the aftermath.

Think hard. Are your boyfriend’s friends avoiding you? Are they not treating you the way they always have? Are they trying to keep their distance when you are in the same place? Do you wonder if they might be keeping something from you? If yes, then your boyfriend just might be fooling around.

Suspecting that your boyfriend might be cheating is a horrible thing.

There might not be anything worse (except for maybe KNOWING that they are).

Unfortunately, when presented with the possibility, it is hard to determine what is real and what isn’t. That is where my list comes in. Read it carefully and see if anything there applies to your relationship.

Is your boyfriend being secretive or vague? Are his friends being the same? Have his behaviors, his sex drive or his communication skills changed? Is he impatient with you or does accuse you of cheating? Do you stay home much more than you used to?

Of course, all of these things might not be signs that your person is cheating on you but, if for some reason you suspect he might be, these signs might help you confirm whether he is or not.

 

 

 

 

 

5 Behaviors That Are Unacceptable in Any Relationship

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It would seem that it would be a no brainer that people would easily recognize behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

You know, those red flags, those little behaviors that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviors that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.

Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviors, behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal, so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviors are.

Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviors, we can find the strength to walk away, for good.

So here they are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationships. Read them and heed them!

#1 – Lying.

In any list of behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first.

I have a client whose husband lies about everything, big and small.

He lies about where he was when she couldn’t reach him. He lies about whether he has had that difficult conversation with his mother. He lies when he is asked a question that makes him uncomfortable. He lies to their kids when they ask him why he drinks so much.

At first, she didn’t recognize those lies. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes and she loved and trusted him to be honest with her.

But, as time went on, she started to notice how regularly he lied to her, to everyone. He would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of them were very damaging, like when there was an emergency and she couldn’t find him and he said that his phone battery died. Some of them not so much, like the fact that he said he tried to stop at the store on the way home but that it was closed, when he had just forgot.

Every time she caught him in a lie, big or small, she lost just a little bit more trust in him.

She came to me, very unhappy in her marriage. She wasn’t really sure why. Her husband was a nice man, he worked hard, he was a good dad and people liked him. She didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. And then she referred, offhandedly, to his lies, big and small, and I knew, right away, why she was so unhappy she didn’t trust her husband.

As we talked about it further, she realized how much of an effect the lying was having on her relationship with her husband, that she couldn’t trust him about anything and that was eroding their relationship.

So, it might seem like a small thing but lying is an unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

#2 – Physical Abuse.

While this behavior might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than one might think.

The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is unfortunately the reality for many women, and men, in this country.

For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.

The truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small.

Common, well known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.

More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex and any kind of intimidation by strength.

I always ask my clients who are in unhappy relationships if there is any kind of physical abuse. Almost 100% of them say no but when I tell them about the small kinds of abuse they are often surprised that some of those things are present.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, considering leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship.

#3 – Verbal Abuse

Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen.

The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling, what it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.

Examples of verbal abuse: name calling, condescension, manipulation, criticism, demeaning comments, threats, blame, accusations, withholding and gaslighting.

So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so.

Verbal abuse in unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?

#4 – Emotional abuse

Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize.

I have a client who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs“ where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.

Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.

And, the very sad thing is that my client takes this emotional abuse. She loves him madly and, because when things are good they are so good, she is willing to take the bad too. Unfortunately, the bad brings her down to such a dark place and, each time they happen, it erodes her self-esteem even further.

At this point, after years of this emotional abuse, my client feels so badly about herself that she actually believes that she deserves everything that he says about her.

Not very obvious examples of emotional abuse: when your partner controls your appearance, when they monitor your conversations, when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable.

Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.

#5 – Ghosting.

For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.

Ghosting is one of those behaviors that is unacceptable in any relationship.

Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It is easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because the can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.

And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, everyone, abandons them.

Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it’s truly the best thing that could happen to you. Because they ghosted you, there is no risk that you would have gotten into a relationship with someone who ghosts others, someone you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with.

The next level of ghosting is disappearing and this tends to happen more with people who are in a relationship.

I have a client whose boyfriend makes promises to do something with her and then, when the time comes, he disappears, nowhere to be found. Ultimately, he does reappear, with lots of excuses and charm, and she takes him back.

Another client has boyfriend who, more often than not, isn’t there when she needs him. Her dog was attacked by another dog and she had to rush him to the hospital. She needed her boyfriend with her and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. When she finally reached him, he said that his battery had died and that he was sorry.

Because she wanted to believe him, she did and life went on, until he did it again.

Ghosting or disappearing in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable. It displays a lack of respect, of contempt for other people’s emotions and time. It destroys trust in a relationship and leaves the person who is left feeling horrible about themselves.

So, if your person ever ghosts your or can’t be found, consider strongly whether this is the person for you. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who you know will always be there for you?

There you go, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

If someone is being lied to, physically, emotionally or verbally abused or is left behind when times get tough they are in a toxic relationship, one that they should run screaming from.

And the reason that these things are unacceptable is because they leave the person, you, feeling less than, questioning who they are in the world, perhaps isolated from family and friends, alone and scared.

What every healthy relationship has is mutual trust, respect, honesty, affection, commitment and support. A healthy relationship leads someone to feel good about themselves, safe in the world and supported by someone they love.

Take a good hard look at how you are feeling right now, after you have read this article. Do you feel good about your relationship and your place in the world or are you unsteady and unsure, scared of what to do next?

If it’s the second, it’s time to get out. Now!

5 Reasons Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Will Just Make Things Worse

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After a break up, not bad-mouthing your ex can be next to impossible.

Whether you left or were left, the end of the relationship can lead to anger, bitterness and resentment.

And, try as we might, keeping those feelings to ourselves can be difficult, sometimes even impossible.

I am here to tell you, from personal experience and the experience of my clients, that bad-mouthing your ex will only make things worse, even if it feels really good in the moment.

Here are 5 reasons why

#1 – You won’t be able to move on.

Much like when you still follow your ex on social media, bad-mouthing them maintains a connection between the two of you and not a good one.

A client of mine’s husband left her and, surprisingly, he was very angry with her and blamed her for the end of their marriage. She was angry and hurt and tried to talk about that anger and hurt with him but that made him even angrier. And he didn’t share that anger with her he told others about it.

At her daughter’s birthday party, my client was sitting with her ex and her family. She texted him and learned that his text alert for her was Houston, we have a problem. She was devastated and left the table, crying. How could her husband, the father of her children, be so disrespectful?

She asked her daughter about it and she said that he said that it played well at board meetings. At his board meetings, at work, he was denigrating her in front of others.

And what did this do for him? All it did was keep her connected to him. Every time she texted him, that is what he heard. And every time she texted him, he was triggered into feeling the anger and resentment that he felt towards her.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, while the co-board members laughed at this alert, it really made them uncomfortable and perhaps lose some respect for him.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex, while it might feel good in the moment, will only keep you connected to your ex. If you don’t talk about them it will lead to not even thinking about them and that will help you move on!

#2 – It will make you feel bad about yourself.

Be honest. Every time you bad-mouth your ex, does it make you feel good about yourself or does it make you feel like a smaller person?

Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good in the moment. You are releasing your anger and getting positive affirmation from those around you that what you are feeling is warranted. But really, does it ultimately make you feel better about yourself?

Bad-mouthing anyone is something that we have been taught all of our lives is something that we don’t want to do. From early childhood, our parents teach us to be kind. That being unkind to others hurtful and something that we would never want to happen to us. And I am guessing that, as an adult, you basically have a rule that you won’t talk shit about people.

And bad-mouthing your ex is breaking that rule.

So, pay attention to how you feel after you bad-mouth your ex. While it does feel good in the moment, does it leave a bad aftertaste in your mouth? Do you regret doing so, just like when you eat that whole pint of ice cream because it tastes good but then you hate yourself for how you feel afterwards?

If bad-mouthing your ex makes you feel this way, stop doing it. You can control this one thing in your life so do it!

#3 – It might affect their lives.

This is something that a lot of people don’t consider when they bad-mouth someone the long-term effect that it could have on that person’s life.

Another client learned through the grapevine that her ex (who was a co-worker) was telling people that she was bat shit crazy. That she was clingy and jealous and immature. She asked him to stop but he didn’t. (which tells me that he is bat shit crazy resentful and immature)

Eventually the words got to her boss. He called her into his office and told her about the things that he was hearing around the office and that they were making him uncomfortable. He didn’t tell her that he was going to fire her but she recognized that, because he had heard those words, he was looking at her differently. And that wasn’t good for her career.

After a time, her ex stopped bad-mouthing her and her work life got back to normal but things with her boss were never the same. They were both aware of what had happened and they both felt uncomfortable about their conversation around it and it made working together challenging.

My client ultimately found a new job and is doing well but the experience was harrowing for her.

So, if you are bad-mouthing your ex, know that it could have a profound effect on their life, something I am guessing you don’t really want to have happen!

#4 – Your friends will never forget.

This is one thing that we forget when we bad-mouth our ex to our friends. That we can never take back the words that we say. And that our friends will never forget them.

I have a client who had been struggling over the past year with her relationship with her boyfriend. They moved in together and, when they did, she realized that his up and down moods made her feel unloved and disrespected. And, did she talk to him about it? Nope. She talked to her friends!

Countless nights, while taking walks or having a drink, my client talked about all the bad things about her boyfriend, the way he treated her and how unimportant he made her feel. And her friends, because they are her friends, got angry with him and told her to break up with him.

And, when she didn’t, her friends, while outwardly supportive, had her words at the back of their minds, always, They were never be able to accept her boyfriend because all of the bad things that she said about him. And, when she was struggling, they got sick of hearing about it and had a hard time being supportive.

So, know that your friends, your siblings, your parents will never forget the words that you say when you are talking about your partner or someone you recently broke up with. As a result, their relationship with that person will be forever changed!

#5 – You might start a war.

When relationships break up, the goal is to move on with our lives and be happy. And hopefully that will happen but it might take a while for it to do so.

In the meantime, we can be angry and resentful and hurt and not behave in a way that is kind or healthy.

And that could lead to the hurtful words being thrown back in our face.

I know, with my client whose husband had that painful text alert, she no longer made an effort to rise above how she felt about him, to be determined to not say anything negative about him to their friends and family. Knowing that he was doing this to her, she started to do it to him.

She wasn’t proud of what she was doing but she did it anyway. He had left her and to hear that he was bad-mouthing her made her angry. And so, she lashed out. She told their friends exactly how he had left her (which was for another woman). She told his mother that he was a weak man who disrespected his wife and his children. She told her kids that his behavior was unacceptable and the sign of a weak man.

And what did this get her? Satisfaction? No. It got her more bad-mouthing by her ex.

Whereas before he was bad-mouthing her, once she started bad mouthing him his behavior got elevated. He cut her down to their children, to their friends, to her family. He told everyone that she was a horrible wife and that he shouldn’t have stayed as long as he did. That they never had sex and that he was so much happier with his new girlfriend.

And this, of course, led to more, harsher bad-mouthing by her.

And this war affected everyone. Their kids, their friends, their family. And it only dragged out the end of the marriage because they continued to spew anger at each other. They were so focused on the bad words that they forgot to work on looking to the future and not to the past.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex could only make things worse for everyone. It will prevent everyone from moving forward and set the stage for things to stay bad between you forever.

And that is not the goal. The goal is to learn from your mistakes, move on and find the love that you seek.

So, now you can see that, no matter how good it feels in the moment, bad-mouthing your ex is ultimately only a self-sabotaging act.

If you bad-mouth your ex, you will find yourself stuck in this relationship that isn’t working, held back from moving on. You could cause a long-term effect on their lives and your relationship. And you will kill any chance of them having a relationship with your friends and family if you, for some reason, reconcile.

And, most importantly, you will be going against everything that you know to be right in the world, by being unkind to someone instead of rising above it, and that will only make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop bad-mouthing your ex. It’s a waste of time and energy, time and energy that could be spent healing and finding the love that you want!

 

5 Simple Phrases that Will Make Your Husband Feel Loved

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There are so many articles written about what wives need to stay happy but rarely do we talk about what to do to make your husband feel loved.

It’s not that husbands aren’t important. It’s just that the old adage a happy wife means happy household is very important to men. And the adage is accurate so they work hard to do what they need to do to keep their household happy.

And one of the things they do is to ignore their own needs and ask very little of their wives. And doing that over a long period of time can lead to their own unhappiness and resentment and can cause a marriage to really struggle.

So, ladies, it’s time to learn 5 simple phrases that will make your husband feel loved so that you can use them and keep your marriage a happy one.

#1 – Thank you.

When we are raising our kids, us moms are always super busy. And not just with kid stuff. We also get involved with work, fundraisers and other school activities that take a lot of time, time away from our families. And when we are gone, our husbands have to pick up the slack.

I remember in the middle of a fall fair that my friend and I had organized, I ran into her husband and their three kids. The kids were young and hard to manage and he looked exhausted. I asked him if anyone ever said Thank you. He shook his head.

I think about that moment a lot. I know that saying thank you to our husbands for helping out seems like something that we shouldn’t have to do. After all, no one ever thanks us. AND our husbands often don’t do things the way that we want them to, and that can be extremely frustrating, so it is hard to appreciate them.

Recognizing the things that your husband does to support you is very important. Why? Because everyone wants to be recognized for the efforts they make, even if those efforts might not be exactly what you want them to be.

So, next time your husband covers for you when you need to be out of the house, thank him. If he does something that you have asked him to do (or even something that you didn’t ask him to do, even if you would rather he had done something else), thank him. If he buys you a birthday present, thank him, even if it’s something you don’t like!

Think about how much you like it when someone says thank you! Use that simple phrase and make your husband feel loved.

#2 – I love you.

So many husbands and wives stop saying I love you.  And it is not always because they have stopped loving each other but because they have started taking each other for granted. I don’t have to tell her/him that I love him, he/she knows.But doing so, I can tell you, is a recipe for disaster.

I remember when my ex and I were struggling. We still said I love you when we hung up the phone or said goodbye in the morning. One day, I asked him not to. I said I wanted to save those words for special times between us and not use them by rote.

And he agreed. But he was not happy about it.

Our marriage was struggling but my ex-husband needed to hear that I still loved him. He needed to hear that, no matter how hard things got, that I still had love for him. Not hearing it was devastating to him.

Of course, he didn’t tell me that and a few years later he left. And one of the reasons he did, he told me, was because we did not love each other anymore.

So, make sure your husband knows that you love him. It is very, very important that he knows.

#3 – You are hot.

I am sure that this won’t be a surprise to you but, for men, sex is very important. And, unfortunately, as married lives get crazy, sex is often the first thing that falls by the wayside. It can be very hard on a couple and especially hard on men.

And, as a result, to help them deal with this absence, you are hotis one of those phrases that will make your husband feel loved. Why? Because they will know that, even if you aren’t having very much sex, you desire him.

And being desired, for many men, can be as important as actually having sex.

For many men, as they age, they worry about being desirable. Social media has played some pretty serious mind games with us as far as physical beauty and that can make men very insecure. Also, sex has been redefined by the porn industry, something that makes men and women, alike, feel inadequate.

As a result, it is important that your husband knows that you desire him. I am sure that you would like to hear that phrase from him, even though you haven’t taken a shower in three days because of the baby.

#4 – Go have fun (and mean it).

Ok, be honest, wives. How many times have you told your husband that it was ok for him to go out and do something outside of the household but secretly been resentful that they were doing so and are somewhat passive aggressive about it?

When my kids, who were born 20 months apart, were very young, my husband decided to set a goal of running the New York Marathon. An admirable goal and one that required a lot of effort. And a lot of training.

As a result, not only did he work long hours but he also spent a lot of time running. Specifically, not at home with me and the kids but running. And I was not happy.

While I did tell him how I felt, I did not tell him the extent of it. I did not want to be unsupportive so I quietly simmered with resentment. As a result, our marriage suffered in a big way.

I wish that I had been able to embrace the things that he wanted to do instead of feel resentment for them. I wish that I had been able to honestly say go have fun and be happy that he was doing whatever he was doing.

So, if you find that you don’t support your husband’s activities outside of the family, I would encourage you to dig deep and find a way to encourage him to do things and mean it.

I know it’s hard and that you are tired but we all need to recharge our batteries and letting him do so will make your husband feel loved and that will only improve your marriage in the long run!

#5 – I am proud of you.

The final phrase that you can use to make your husband feel loved is that you are proud of him.

Much like I love you, men and women get somewhat complacent when it comes to recognizing their partners achievements. Again, they think that they do not have to say anything because they believe that their partners know how they feel.

Unfortunately, the opposite is true most everyone, especially men, need to hear that their person is proud of them.

For many men, their actions are achievement based. While women thrive on emotional connection, for many men, accomplishment is the thing that makes them feel good about themselves. And to be recognized by their person for their accomplishments feels really good.

And, conversely, one of the worst things that you can tell your husband is that he has done a really bad job at something, particularly if he did a pretty good job but didn’t do it the way you wanted it done.

Of course, it is important to give your partner feedback if you would like things done differently but don’t do it with derision. Do it in a positive supportive way, so that he will hear you and do things the way you want them done the next time.

And, if and when, he does things differently, make sure that you tell him how proud of him you are!

Knowing the 5 simple phrases that will make your husband feel loved is the key to keeping your marriage strong.

Most men are pretty easy to keep happy and using these phrases on a regular basis will go a long way to doing so.

Tell them you are thankful for them, tell them that you love and desire them, tell them that you are proud of them and praise them for their accomplishments.

I am guessing that all of these things are things that you would like to hear as well. So, try them out on your husband and see if you start hearing them back!

You can do this! And you will be glad you did.

 

5 Reasons You Are Feeling Unstable After Your Husband Walked Out

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If you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out on you, know that you are not alone! Having someone you love leave you suddenly would rock even the strongest woman’s world.

The end of any relationship is horrible, especially a marriage where finances and children are often involved. And, when a husband walks out, the woman is usually left in the house, with the kids, trying to figure out how to keep life normal while she and her husband figure out next steps.

And, because you have never done this before, you might find yourself paralyzed, lacking balance and scared shitless.

Understanding why you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out is the best way to figure out how to manage it so you can be clear headed as you move forward, whether you stay married or not!

#1 – You are in shock.

I remember when my ex-husband told me he was leaving me. It happened out of the blue and it hit me hard. We were driving across country and he told me on hour one what his plan was. We had two more days alone in that car, not really talking about anything. I was almost emotionless the whole time. It was weird. And horrible

Once we got back home, I found myself doing wonky things. I sent my husband’s new girlfriend a letter asking her to give us space to figure out our marriage. Not well received. I drove my dogs to the dog park and hit a deer and kept on going. I found myself curled up in a ball when my cat and dog got into a tiff.

I believe that, after the adrenaline of the announcement had worn off, I went into shock. Much like after an accident or an injury, my husbands announcement caused my brain was flooded with chemicals that kept me at high alert for survival. Once those chemicals word off, I was left in neurogenic shock, shock caused by extreme emotional disturbance, shock that is often characterized by disorientation and disassociation.

So, if you are finding yourself unstable after your husband walked it, it just might be because you are in shock.

The good news is shock usually wears off on its own. So give yourself some time. Take care of yourself, get some sleep, have a glass of wine with friends. Anything that will help calm your nervous system and help you to be less unstable.

#2 – You have never done this before.

For those of us who have been through a divorce, we know exactly what it’s all about. But I am guessing that one of the reasons that you are feeling stable after your husband walked out is because you have never done this before. How the heck does one dissolve a marriage and move on?

When we are confronted with a problem, we most likely have encountered, if not the same problem, something like it before, and we have some framework to work with to solve it. Not so with divorce. Perhaps you have seen friends or family go through it but you have never been through it yourself.

And, as a result, having NO IDEA what do might have left you paralyzed and unstable.

I was very lucky. Soon after my husband walked out I met a woman who had been through the divorce process 5 years earlier. Her divorce had been horrible and yet she had made it through and found the love of her life.

This wonderful woman became my mentor and, without her wisdom, experience and guidance, I never would have made it through my divorce as successfully as I did.

So, know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it’s very likely because you have a process ahead of you that you have no idea how to navigate. It is no wonder you want to curl up in bed for the next month or two.

#3 – Your future is hazy.

Yesterday I am guessing that your future was pretty clear. Maybe your marriage was struggling to some degree but you were sure that you would be able to work it out. You had the home that you shared, the kids that you cared for together, finances that were intertwined and, maybe, healthy. You had built a life together and you could see the future together pretty clearly.

And now, today, all of that is gone. And what is left? The vast unknown future. And there is nothing scarier than a future that is uncertain!

I know that when my husband left, I was petrified. Our kids were off at college so I didn’t have to deal with their daily lives but there was still lots of things to manage. And, while he was the one who left, my ex wasn’t much of a planner so figuring out next steps was on me!

So what did I do? I sat down and made a list of everything that I was going to have to deal with finances, housing, kid’s schedules, lawyers, mediators, extended family, social plans etc. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to figure everything out right away but once I had it all down on paper I was able to start thinking things through.

Here is an article that might be helpful for you if you are wanting to plan next steps.

And, to be honest, focusing on details really helped me become more stable. Yes, I was devastated that my marriage was most likely over but taking charge and being the one driving outcomes, instead of being curled up in a ball in my bed, helped me feel stronger and steadier pretty quickly.

#4 – You are feeling alone.

I am guessing that for the past how every many years, you and your husband have slept together in the same bed. You have your breakfast routines, lunch time check ins, evening cocktails, bed time habits etc. And now, out of nowhere, even if your kids are still at home, you are doing all of those things alone.

It is very interesting how many people, even if they hated doing these things with their spouses, and they usually involved lots of sarcasm and bickering, say that this is the first thing that really hits them hard they are now doing all of those things alone.

And for many women, being alone is a very uncomfortable place.

One of my closest friends had never been alone, without a partner, her entire adult life. She was the one who wanted the divorce very wise of her but she found out that, with her husband gone, there was big empty space in the house. She wondered if she every would get used to it!

But it didn’t take long for her to come to savor that empty space. A fair amount of it got eaten up by pets and kids and her work but, before long, she relished crawling into bed, in the flannel sheets that she bought because her ex hated them, and knowing that she was going to sleep well without snoring.

So know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it might very well be because you are feeling alone. And that is ok. And you will get used to it. I promise!

#5 – You are worried about your kids.

If you are a mother and your husband has just walked out I am sure that a HUGE part of why you are feeling so unstable is because you are worried about your kids.

For as long as your kids have been alive it has been your job to keep them healthy and happy. You teach them how to walk and talk and laugh and cry. To trust and believe and have hope. To know that they are loved unconditionally and that you will keep them safe.

Your husband walking out might have a very big effect on all of the work that you have done over the years to keep your family feeling that way.

I know that I fought harder for my marriage because I wanted my kids to have a mother and a father in the house. I was the child of divorce and both of my parents set a very bad example for us around their marriage and divorce and I didn’t want that for my kids. I wanted to do things differently so they wouldn’t have to struggle in romantic relationships like I had to.

My husband walking out put all that I had worked for in jeopardy.

It was a rough few years for my kids. I won’t lie about that. There was a lot of anger and animosity between their parents and they had to deal with a lot of tears and loss. But, ultimately, it was the absolute best thing that could have happened to them, to all of us.

Instead of being in a house full animosity between their parents, my kids came home to a parent who was happy. They got to know their father better because their mother wasn’t around to do everything for them. They got to see their father get into a relationship where he was happy and for their mother to find herself again, build a business and ultimately find a man who loved her completely.

And, unlike my parents, who lied to us for years about the end of their marriage, I talked to my kids about everything that was happening. I tried to be as honest as possible. I let them know that I would always be there for them. If they had any questions, I would always respond in an open way, one that inspired discussion. I do think that doing this differently than my parents did it will help my children to have better adult relationships than me and my siblings did.

Again, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, know that you are not alone.

Right now, there are thousands of women all over the country who are experiencing what you are experiencing and I am guessing that they are feeling like their worlds have been completely rocked as well.

I can promise you that you are going to be ok. Right now you are in shock, the future is hazy and you have no idea how you are going to navigate getting there. You are feeling very alone and you are scared for your children. I totally get it.

But someday, sooner than later I am sure, you will find yourself in a better place. You don’t know what the future holds. Maybe you will resolve things with your husband and that will be a good thing.  (Don’t resolve it and have it be a bad thing. That is a huge waste of time.)

Or perhaps you will be like me, happy, successful, an example for my children of living a good life and being a good person.

I know it is hard to believe right now but, take it from me, and the thousand others like me who have been where you are right now, and believe!

Why Being Unfaithful to Your Spouse is Being Unfaithful to Your Family

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Are you being unfaithful to your spouse? Have you crossed a line that you never thought that you would cross and having an affair?

Are you feeling incredibly guilty, knowing that you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing, even though it feels so great in the moment?

Are you devastated that you might hurt your spouse, the parent of your children?

I totally get that. No one wants to hurt the person they vowed to love forever or betray what they believe in.

Unfortunately, when a parent has an affair, it is not only the marriage that gets damaged but also the family unit. I know that you don’t think that this affair will affect your family but it will!

Here are 5 reasons why being unfaithful to your spouse is being unfaithful to your family.

#1 – You are breaking promises.

When a couple gets married, they do so in good faith. They commit to each other for life, promising to honor and cherish each other forever. And I don’t know one person who has entered into a marriage believing that they would do anything else.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, you are breaking a promise. A promise that you made in front of family and friends, one that laid the foundation for the family that you would build together.

And, now that you have broken that promise, you have damaged the very foundation on which that family was built.

For a family to be healthy and whole, its foundation needs to be strong. It needs to have two parents committed to its success, neither one of them sabotaging it in any way. By breaking your promise to your spouse, you have damaged that foundation, leaving your family a very shaky ground on which to stay healthy.

So, understand that, if you are unfaithful to your spouse, you are damaging the bedrock on which your family was built. As a result, the whole thing just might come tumbling down.

#2- You are lying.

A key part of good parenting is modeling good behaviors. We want our children to be good and kind and understanding and upright and we can teach them that but, really, the best way to help them learn is by modeling. By letting them see what goodness and kindness looks like, first hand, and showing them how to apply those things in the world.

A conscious parent knows this and tries to apply it to their family life. Someone who is cheating is someone who is not modeling good behavior because they are lying.

I am sure that you are thinking that no one in your family knows that you are cheating so no one in your family knows that you are lying. But I would push back against that. Children are very perceptive and, even if they don’t know that you are lying, per se, they do know that something is off. You can see evidence of that in the erratic behaviors of children whose parents are unhappy, or who are struggling at work or who have a drinking problem.

Furthermore, while your family might not know right now, they most likely will someday know about your affair and they will know that you were lying to them and that will only teach them that it’s okay to lie. I mean, if their parent did it, why wouldn’t they?

So, know that if you are being unfaithful to your spouse you are no longer modeling behavior that you would like your child to copy you are modeling behavior that will only be destructive for them in the long run.

#3 – You aren’t fully present.

I have a client who was having an affair. And that affair consumed her.

Outside of her affair, her life was mundane. She was a mother and a wife and a volunteer. She cooked and cleaned and carpooled and went for walks with her friends. BORING!

When she entered into an affair, her mundane life was no more. She was having intense conversations, she was wanted, she was desired, she was sexual, she was a woman again!

And all of this made it very hard for her to be present with her family.

She recalled one night when the four of them were having dinner. Her family had always had good conversations at dinner and she loved them. This night, however, she found herself totally disconnected from the family dinner, anxious to get to her phone to see if her lover had texted.

When she became aware of this, she was devastated. She wanted to be connected to her family but, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t.

At bedtime, her daughter asked her why she wasn’t talking at dinner. Was she ok? My client didn’t know what to do but she did know that her daughter had noticed and she knew that that wasn’t ok.

So, just know that, if you are having an affair, it is very likely that you aren’t as present as you might have been in the past and this might cause a fracture in your family, even if it’s just a small one. A small crack can spread very easily!

#4 – You are betraying their parent.

The long and short of it is is that you are having an affair and you are betraying your children’s parent. You are being disrespectful and dishonest, you are sharing intimacies and sexual experiences with someone other than your spouse.

And this is not okay for a child. Ever.

Again, your family might not know that you are having an affair but they will, someday. And when they learn the truth, they will know that you had so little respect for their parent that you were willing to lie and cheat.

And, while your spouse might ultimately forgive you, your children most likely never will. Or, if they do, it will always be in the back of their mind that their parent hurt their other parent and that it wasn’t ok.

My parents set a terrible example for my siblings and me. Both of them cheated, my father more than once. As a result, we never respected either of our parents. We knew that cheating wasn’t ok but it seemed to become normalized in our family. We never talked about it but it was something that we all knew, to some degree.

The sad thing about this is that all of us kids have had relationships that are plagued with infidelity. Because we never had the example of parents who didn’t betray each other, we didn’t really have a road map to navigate a healthy relationship. So, we cheated.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, know that your children will know someday that you betrayed their parent and, not only might they not ever forgive you but you could very well be modeling behavior that they will repeat as adults.

#5 – You are hating yourself.

A healthy parent is one who feels good about themselves. They believe that they are good people in the world, people who work hard to take care of their family. They respect the way they are in the world. They know that they make good choices to model to their family. They know that they are true to their convictions and that they are being the best person that they can be.

A person who is being unfaithful to their spouse is not someone who feels good about themselves. I have so many clients who have struggled with infidelity and, without exception, a big part of their struggle is the guilt and self-loathing they experience as a result of the infidelity. And that self-loathing carries over into their parenting.

Do you believe that your spouse or your kids don’t see your behavior and wonder what has happened? Do you believe that you are hiding your self-hatred from your mother or your friends? Do you believe that how you feel about yourself, good or bad, isn’t written all over your face?

You would be wrong if you thought any of those things.

So, if you are struggling with the self-hatred that is most usually the side effect of an affair, know that your family is being affected by it. They know the person you were before the affair and this stranger who now sits at the dinner table is a someone they don’t recognize.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, it is more likely than not that it is affecting your whole family.

The person who you were before the affair is mostly likely buried somewhere inside the shell of the person you are right now. This new person is a liar who betrays their spouse and breaks promises. This new person is no longer present at family get togethers. This person hates themselves and that self-hatred is reflected on who they are in the world.

As you struggle with the fact that you are having an affair, or considering getting into one, know that your affair will have far reaching consequences, consequences that you should consider as you take this next step.

After all, your family has always been your priority. Why should that change now?

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