7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.