7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

Many people reach out to me wondering if they can ever rebuild trust with their partner after he cheated.

After all, learning that the person who says that they love them has stepped out on them is horrible; they are beyond devastated and not sure if their relationship can possibly be saved.

I always tell them not to despair – it might not be easy but it is possible to rebuild trust after he cheated. Its just a matter of understanding the steps to take to do so.

Here are the steps that I always encourage my clients to take so that they can rebuild their relationship and live happily every after.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are committed to rebuilding trust.

For many women, after discovering that their partner has cheated, they are so angry about the infidelity that they aren’t sure that they can ever get over it.

The picture in their mind of their partner’s affair partner is always at the forefront. The movie of their partner having sex with another person plays over and over in their head, often to the point that they can’t let it go. They have so many questions about what happened that their partner can’t answer. And their self-esteem is blown to shit.

Are you feeling this way? Probably, because you are reading this article. And I totally get it. I felt that way when I discovered that my ex had cheated on me.

The question is – can you, in spite of these images in your mind and the destruction of your self-esteem, see yourself forgiving your partner? Can you picture yourself staying with them even though they have hurt you so deeply?

It is important that you have an answer to this question before you start down the road to trying to heal your relationship. If you aren’t fully committed to making it work, it won’t work. That being said, if you aren’t sure if you can move on but would like to try, that is an answer too. Unless you are very clear in your mind that you are done, as many women are, then certainly take the next steps.

#2- Ask your partner if he is committing to doing the work.

So many of my clients say that they are going to fight for their relationship, that they aren’t quitters and that they aren’t going to quit now. And I always applaud a woman who isn’t a quitter but, unfortunately, sometimes not being a quitter doesn’t work the way they hope it will.

You see, to rebuild trust in a relationship, both couples must be willing to the work. Both people must be willing to dig deep and make the effort, to work together towards healing their relationship. If one person is all in and the other isn’t, rebuilding trust just won’t be possible.

I know that when my ex cheated on me, right away I was the one on the margins and he and his affair partner were the priority. I think that, in his mind, he believed he wanted to do the work and save our marriage, but, really, he was already aligned with his affair partner and wasn’t able to move forward with me. While I fought this for a while, ultimately, I knew that he wasn’t even remotely into fixing things and I moved on.

So, ask your partner if they are truly ready to do the work to rebuild trust, if they are committed to letting their affair partner go and moving forward as a couple, working to make change. If he is, then you are ready to take the next steps.

#3 – Ask the questions that you need to have answered.

I am sure that you have lots of questions that you would like answered. How the affair started. Who this person is who cheated with your partner. How often they met. How long the affair was going on. Why did they do it. And these are all valid questions that you might want answered. So ask them.

For many men, after it is discovered that they cheated, they actively want to rebuild trust and keep their relationship. Unfortunately, many men struggle to have the tools to make it happen. Most specifically, many men don’t want to discuss what happened but want to “let it go and move on.” They are angry with themselves for what they have done and how they have hurt their wives and they just don’t want to have to rehash what has happened. As a result, they aren’t willing to open up and answer their wives questions.

And, unfortunately, sweeping what happened under the rug will not be acceptable to any woman who is asking questions. She wants to know and that he isn’t willing to talk about it will not only shut down any progress towards healing but also cause her more pain.

That being said, I always tell my clients to understand what will happen if they have their questions answered. If they know the nitty gritty of what the affair looked like, that information will always be in their head, maybe preventing them from being able to get past what happened.

So, do ask the questions that you want answered but make sure that the information you need is something that will actually be helpful.

#4 – Ask yourself what you will need to feel like you can trust your partner again.

Trust is the key to every healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship has no hope of survival. That being said, for each person, trust looks like something else. It is important that you not only know what you will need to be able to trust your partner but that your partner will be willing to do those things for you.

What kind of things might work for you to rebuild trust?

Perhaps its being able to have access to his phone. Perhaps its knowing where heis at all times, at least for the foreseeable future. Its confirmation that he won’t have ANY contact with their affair partner. Perhaps its even talking to the affair partner (something that I NEVER recommend because the affair partner has no motivation to help you rebuild your relationship and will tell you things that could very well hinder your healing.).

So think about what kind of things will you need from your partner to help you feel like you can trust him again? And, even more importantly, will your partner be willing to give you those things?

#5 – Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

You might not be consciously aware of this but what has happened has most likely done a lot of damage to your self-esteem. You might be asking yourself what is wrong with you that your person cheated on you. You might be asking yourself if it was your personality or your body or your sex life that made your person step out on you.  You might be beating yourself up for not know that something was going on.

The reality is is that your partner cheating and its not because of anything that is wrong with you.  Yes, there is something going on in your relationship that gave your person the space to cheat on you but that thing isn’t all your fault. There are two people in every relationship and both people are responsible for making sure it stays healthy.

Now it is time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Perhaps you need to spend more time with friends (not always processing what is going on but also doing things together that make you feel good). Perhaps it’s working out more, or even taking regular walks. Perhaps you need to get away for a weekend, or for him to go away for the weekend, so that you can get your thoughts together.

It’s important that you take time during this time of stress to take care of yourself so that you can believe in yourself again and be able to do the hard work that needs to be done.

#6 – Don’t scour TikTok looking for other women who have been cheated on but rather seek interactive support.

So many of my clients look to TikTok and Instagram to find the answers that they need to understand why their partner cheated and how to get past it. And, unfortunately, much of what they find on social media won’t be helpful.

The reality is is that the people who post on TikTok about infidelity in their relationship are often people who have not been able to heal things. They are bitter and angry about what has happened and are willing and eager to go on and on about their partner’s infidelity and what douchebags men are in general.

What you will not find online are people who have successfully been able to rebuild trust after he cheated. Why? Either because they are happy in their relationship and don’t feel like they need to go online and share or because the algorithm is built to entertain and way more people watch the ranting videos then any happy ones that might be out there.

Another reason that going on social media to find the answers to your questions is a bad idea is because everyone’s story is different. Everyone cheats for different reasons and everyone reacts differently to their partner cheating. If you see someone ranting on about their cheating partner and how they did X,Y and Z, you might be led to believe that your partner did that as well, even if they didn’t. And that won’t help you with your relationship.

What I encourage women to do is to try to find a support group, one that involves give and take. Relying on one person’s emotional and edited version of what happened just won’t help. Through a back and forth conversation, one can get a fuller picture of what happened in another relationship and then compare it to their own, is exactly what one needs to get good support.

So look for a support group online, or locally, where you can talk with other women about what happened and not be on the receiving end of someone’s vitriol.

#7 – Get some professional help, both individually and together.

I know – the idea of professional help is a yucky one. Spilling your dirty laundry to someone else can be embarrassing and humiliating. You might not feel like you have the time, or the money, to make it happen and you are therefore determined to go it alone.

Unfortunately, unless you have dealt with infidelity before and successfully come out the other side, you have no idea what you are doing here. Neither you nor your partner have the skills that you need to navigate this situation. Having someone there to guide you, whether a life coach or a therapist, will help you rebuild trust quicker.

I also encourage people to get individual help when dealing with infidelity. For you, you will have a lot of anger and hurt to process and will need some help understanding what has happened and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Your partner will need to come to an understanding of why he cheated and what he needs to do going forward.

I am guessing that your partner will push back big time on going to therapy. Many men are therapy adverse and just don’t want to deal – especially if they are humiliated by what happened. I would encourage you to, if you are willing to get support, make him buying in a deal breaker. Again, you can’t do the work all by yourself – he needs to be willing to do the work as well.

I know that you feel like trying to rebuild trust after he cheated is a big job, one that is most likely feeling pretty daunting right now.

But I can promise you that you can do it. If you are committed to making it happen and committed to taking the steps that you must take to move forward, then you very well could rebuild your relationship and maybe even make it stronger for the future.

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.