5 Things to Consider Before Dating Again After a Long-Term Marriage
Are you thinking about dating again after a long-term marriage? Are you newly divorced and eager to get out there into the world of dating?
Is the idea of doing so incredibly scary?
For me, and for many of my clients, the idea of dating after divorce was very intimidating but we did so nonetheless, eager to find love again. And many of us did find that love and you can too!
The key to finding that love is going into dating consciously so that you can do things differently this time round and find the person, and the relationship, you seek.
#1 – Take your time.
Many people who are interested in dating again after a long-term marriage jump in too quickly. I know that you are probably feeling lonely and scared that you’ll never find someone to love but rushing into it, just like rushing into anything, can lead to failure and heartbreak.
A general rule of thumb for someone for when to get into a new relationship is two years after the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean you can’t start dating before that, but getting into a new relationship is not a wise move.
For those of us who have been divorced for a while, when we encounter someone who is newly separated or still not divorced, we steer clear. Why? Because people who are newly separated or still going through their divorce are people who are very emotional. They are people who are very vulnerable. They are people who require more care than somebody wants to give in the early stages of dating.
Just a few months after my husband left me, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was hesitant about getting into a relationship with me, but was willing to do so because our connection was so strong. However, I was still very emotional about everything that was happening and he just didn’t have the patience for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, but he had been through his own divorce and he didn’t want to relive it again.
So, if you are thinking about dating again, I encourage you to take those first steps if you want to, but to not jump into a relationship until you’re done fully, processing your emotions around the end of your marriage and the technicalities of your divorce.
#2 – Make sure you know what went wrong in your marriage.
A mistake that many people who start dating again after a long-term marriage make is not taking some time to figure out why their marriage ended.
The divorce rate for people in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate for people in first marriages. Why? Because people don’t try to understand what happened in their marriage. They just jump into a second marriage because they are unhappy being alone or are looking for the financial security that one gets in a marriage. However, they don’t know what went wrong in their first marriage, what their role in the demise of that marriage might’ve been. As a result, they make the same mistakes in their new relationship.
Have you taken the time to reflect on your marriage? Do you understand the things that led to the divorce? Do you understand your role in the end of your marriage?
If you have done your work, proceed with the dating and have fun! If you haven’t, I would encourage you to take the time to do so. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a life coach who can help you step back and take a look at what happened would be very helpful.
Even if you aren’t thinking about dating again, taking the time to reflect on your long-term marriage and what you might have done differently will be an excellent step as far as healing as you move forward.
#3 – Take stock of what you want to be different.
Once you have taken the time to understand what went wrong in your marriage, now it’s time to take stock of how you want things to be different in your new relationship.
Many people make a list of the traits they they want in the person they’re looking for, and that is helpful, but it’s important to understand more about how someone makes you feel as opposed to traits that they have.
After all, you could find a guy who is really funny but perhaps he makes you feel insecure. Or somebody who’s financially successful but who makes you feel abandoned.
I would encourage you to start with making a list of the traits you would like to see in someone and then taking stock of what of how that trait would make you feel.
If you’re looking for somebody who enjoys quality time, what does that look like for you, specifically? If you’re looking for someone who will love your children, how must they make you feel about that?
Just like we do in any area of our life, we take the time to define what we want in any situation. If we don’t do this, it’s really hard to get what we want.
#4 – Make sure you are dating for the right reasons.
It is essential that, if you want to start dating again after your divorce, you are doing so for the right reasons.
As previously stated, many people jump back into dating for the wrong reasons. It’s not so much that they are ready to fall in love again, as it is that they are feeling insecure about their place in the world. After being part of a couple for many years, suddenly being on their own out in the world is a scary thing. Perhaps they’re worried about financial security. Perhaps they’re scared that they’ll never love or be loved again. Perhaps they just are uncomfortable being alone.
Do you know why you want to start dating again? Is it because your friends are pressuring you to do so? Is it because you don’t enjoy being the odd man out in social situations? Is it because you need someone around to help you manage your car and your taxes?
As you take stock of what you want in a new relationship, also take stock of whether right now is the time for you to start dating or if perhaps you’re not quite ready.
Doing so for the wrong reasons might only lead to heartbreak, something you really don’t need any more of after your divorce.
#5 – Take care of yourself.
An essential part of dating again after the end of your marriage is taking care of yourself.
Dating is hard. It’s something you haven’t done for a while and something that you are out of practice at.
Dating takes a lot of focus and energy, things that can be hard to access in this crazy world we live in. Focusing on dating exclusively might lead to you not putting energy into other places in your life, like your work or your kids which would not be good.
Dating also involves rejecting and being rejected. It can lead to heartbreak. It can lead to insecurity. It’s important that you have awareness of this before you go into dating and that your self-esteem is strong enough to manage it all.
I know I’m making it seem like dating is a horrible thing, and maybe even discouraging you from trying it, and that is not my goal. I had a lot of fun on dates and made some great friends, including someone who introduced me to my now husband. But dating is fraught and delicate and frustrating so make sure that, as you go through this journey, you don’t neglect your self-care.
Make sure that you spend time with friends, do things that you love, get enough sleep, food, and exercise. All of these things will keep you emotionally and physically strong as you embark on this journey. In any case, these things are essential to living a good life.
So there you go – 5 things to take into consideration before embarking on dating again after long term marriage.
Good for you for feeling brave enough to get out in the world and do something that you haven’t had to do for a long time. It’s not an easy thing to even consider dating again after divorce, but the fact that you are trying to learn more about if and when you should get started will lead you to success.
So make sure you don’t hurry into a new relationship. Make sure you know what you want and what went wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself.
Enjoy the ride. You have a whole new life ahead of you and you will find the love you see. I promise.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
