7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore
If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.
And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.
Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.
#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself
First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.
In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.
In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.
This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?
Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.
So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.
#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.
Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.
When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?
How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?
People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.
So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?
#3 – You have lots of make up sex.
Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.
They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?
I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.
What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.
So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?
7 symptoms of a toxic relationship
#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.
This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.
When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.
But your friends and family can.
Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?
If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them! They know you best and only want what is good for you!
#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.
I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.
She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.
So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.
So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.
Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.
#6 – Nothing is changing.
This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?
Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?
One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.
Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!
So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.
#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.
So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?
If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.
If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.
And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.
So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.
Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.
So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?
If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.
You can do it!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
