7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

All relationships have a balance of control to some degree – the parent/child, the teacher/student, the boss/employee, etc. In those relationships, there is one primary and one secondary member of the relationship, as dictated by the situation. In a marriage, there is also a power dynamic at play and, ideally, that dynamic includes a balance of control that is even.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Of course, sometimes the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, like the mom is in charge of getting the little league uniforms but the dad is in charge of getting the kids to practice. And this is okay. What is not okay is when the power dynamic is off to the extent that one person is always in charge, with the other always being secondary.

Sadly, when we are in the middle of the chaos of a marriage, it can sometimes be hard to recognize if the power dynamic is off.

Let me share with you now the signs that the power dynamic in your marriage might be off so that you can figure out the next steps to take.

#1 – You let your partner make all the decisions.

This is the most common thing that shifts the power dynamic in a marriage – having one person be in charge of everything.

In some cases, the person with the control is the wife/mother. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to keep all of the balls in the air – school, work, sports, extended family, etc. Usually, the woman takes responsibility for planning and executing just because multi-tasking is a skill that many women have. So they take over and everything that happens is their call.

In some cases, its the man husband/father who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A woman might be accustomed to having a man in charge if that is the model she had growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In some cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband.

Whether its the husband or wife, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off.

#2 – You keep your head down to avoid drama.

Are you one of those people who never speaks up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have thoughts or opinions but not share them because you are afraid that you will be on the receiving end of some kind of negative reaction if you do? Would you rather just go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?

If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people, particularly men, in marriages just want to keep the peace and they swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is long and hard and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When they do, the idea of having to deal with them again can be just too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut and grin and bear it

And, while I can understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up for yourself out of fear of some kind of reprisal, big or small, is not, in the long run healthy.

Over time, not speaking up for yourself in your relationship will only cause resentment on your part and, perhaps, a sense of contempt from your spouse. You can be sure that, if you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and, over time, they might see this as a sign of weakness – something that can hard to respect in a marriage.

So, while I know that you want to avoid drama, I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, in spite of whatever the end result might be. For the sake of your own self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.

#3 – You spend more time with their extended family than yours.

This is always an interesting one – that people spend more time with one extended family than they do the other.

Of course, this could be a convenience thing. Perhaps your family lives closer or the kids are the same age or your schedules align. And that makes sense. But, what if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason that you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours.

In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists that more time is spent with their extended family than the other. I know that when I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than with my dad’s. I am guessing part of that was because my dad wasn’t really attached to seeing his family but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted that we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent my my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way more than my dad’s.

I know now that, in order to keep the peace (see #2) my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control in this instance. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.

#4 – You only have sex with them because they want to.

This is a big one that happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off – one spouse only has sex with the other not because they want to but because they know that their spouse does.

I have seen this from both sides of the equation. Women who have little or no interest in having sex and yet who have sex with their husbands every week because they know that their husband expects it. Its easier to do so then to deal with any crabbiness or whatever that might arise.

It can happen with husbands too – they just don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. The man, because his wife brings it up all the time, ultimately gives in to make her happy but doesn’t do it because he is interested.

In both of these cases, when married couples have sex for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is definitely off and this is something that should be addressed.

#5 – Your kids only listen to you.

I know that when I was married, I was the one my kids always came to when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie or a ride to town or help on homework or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on to react in a way that was a positive – to mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss. They did go to their father but, because he was often absent and sometimes crabby, they tended to bypass him.

And I was fine with this. If they came to me I could be in control of the outcome and knew that the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.

And, while this worked for us for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides.

For me, I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to – it was exhausting. And my husband resented that I was their first choice – which, sadly, led to the kids going to him even less. This mutual resentment built up over time until it was huge factor in the end of our marriage.

#6 – You have to hide things from your spouse.

I just rewatched “Crazy Rich Asians” (fun movie if you haven’t seen it). In the movie, the wife has family money and she is used to nice things. Because she wants those nice things, things that her husband can not afford, she has to hide the things that she buys because she knows that he would be resentful of her and the fact that she has to do so. Ultimately, he cheated on her to make himself feel more like a man and she left.

Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether its hiding spending or activities or friendships from your partner, hiding anything indicates that there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouse would feel safe sharing everything. They would know that their partner would understand their actions and that, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.

If a spouse has any kind of fear that their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so that they have to hide it, this is an indication that the balance of power is off, something that will only lead to a lack of trust and accountability in the long run.

#7 – You have to account for every little thing.

If you are in a marriage where you have to account for every little things that you do, your power dynamic is definitely off.

Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time. Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with. Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend. Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight. Anything and everything.

And this is not okay. Of course, everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share in their lives and want to be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.

BUT – if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not okay. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved. Perhaps its because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another. Perhaps its because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason. Or perhaps its because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.

For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is a power dynamic that is uneven and something that needs to be addressed.

It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.

Power dynamics can change very slowly, over the course of a marriage, so slowly that one (or both) spouses don’t even realize that it is happening. All that they know is that they aren’t happy but they aren’t clear on the reason.

For any relationship to be a happy one there must, more often than not, be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure that the love, trust and respect that is important in every relationship stays intact and the marriage remains healthy.

So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps, to figure out how to fix it before its too late!

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.