A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.