Are you feeling insecure in your relationship and wondering if it’s a red flag?
Did you start out feeling confident but have you, over time, started questioning yourself in the relationship and how and why things are happening the way they are happening?
Do you find yourself doing anything you can to feel more secure in the relationship, to no avail?
If you are feeling insecure in a relationship, there can be many reasons why. Most of them are, I am afraid, red flags, so being aware of that is very important for your future happiness, whether in this relationship or another.
Here are 5 reasons why feeling insecure in a relationship might be a red flag.
#1 -You aren’t being treated well.
Ask yourself this question – are you being treated well in this relationship?
Does your person show up when say they are going to? Are they honest with you? Do they treat you with respect? Do they include you in activities that they enjoy doing?
If your answer to any of these questions is no, you are not being treated well. And not being treated well can make someone insecure to the extreme, especially if you were being treated well in the beginning of the relationship.
And, needless to say, if you are not being treated well in a relationship, it’s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is not a healthy one.
Don’t try to hold on to how things were in the beginning, trying to believe that, if you only try hard enough, or hang around long enough, things can get back to the way they were. The old days are gone. And if you aren’t being treated well, time to get out!
#2 – You are not be being yourself.
Be honest with yourself. Are you being your true self in this relationship? Would your friends say that the person you are when you are with your partner is the person who you usually are?
Many people who are feeling insecure in a relationship are so because they aren’t being their authentic self. Instead, they have twisted themselves into a pretzel, trying to be who their person wants them to be. As a result, they know, deep down, that they aren’t being themselves and their partner loves someone else..
I have a client who loved to drink and when she was with her boyfriend, who was in recovery, she didn’t drink. She said that she was fine with this but when they weren’t together, she got hammered. And he didn’t want to be in a relationship with a girl who got hammered. All of this made her feel bad about herself and ultimately their relationship fell apart.
So, ask yourself if you are being authentic. If you aren’t, you feeling insecure in a relationship might be about that and it is a huge red flag that your relationship could fail.
#3 – You are ignoring signs.
You know when you see something very clearly but you choose to ignore it because you just don’t want to deal?
Like you know that if you don’t finish this project in time, you might get fired. Or if you don’t apologize to your sister, things are going to get worse? Or if you know that your credit card payment is due so you hide the bill so you don’t have to think about it?
All of those things won’t help you feel good about yourself in any way and usually lead to feelings of insecurity.
It is the same thing in a relationship. For my client who pretended she didn’t drink when she was with her guy, she was also a pro at ignoring any signs that the relationship wasn’t all that she wanted it to be.
He would say he was coming over and he would be hours late. He wouldn’t answer his phone calls because he was supporting other people. He told her he didn’t want a real relationship but would come over looking for sex anyway.
All of these things made her feel insecure and, because she was ignoring them (and not telling me about them), they just got worse.
Ignoring the signs that things aren’t good is a huge red flag that your relationship might be doomed.
#4 – You aren’t listening to your friends.
How many times have you told a friend something, only to have them ignore you and do what they want anyway? Hundreds, right?
Are your friends telling you things right now that you are ignoring? Are they pointing out issues in your relationship that aren’t healthy? Are they pointing out red flags that you are missing? Are they making you feel like your relationship might not be as good as you want it to be?
If you are ignoring your friends, it might be one reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your relationship is healthy, the words of your friends are always buzzing in your head, causing you to question your relationship and feel bad about yourself.
And if your friends are telling you to get the hell out of there, that is definitely a red flag!
#5 – Your life has been thrown off course.
Is your life not what it used to before this relationship began? Have you lost touch with some of your friends? Has your work suffered? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your life has been thrown off course because of the relationship that you are in?
I remember being in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t commit to me. He kept on saying he would but then he would come and go. It was making me question everything about myself. I couldn’t sleep, my work suffered and I blew off my friends, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I felt like a shell of the person I was before the relationship. And boy was I feeling insecure as a result, especially because of the fact that I knew this unhealthy relationship was bringing me down.
So, if your life has been thrown off track by this relationship, pay attention. The insecurity that you are feeling is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.
I know that feeling insecure in a relationship does not feel good.
Relationships should be all about love and friendship and good times, not about being disrespected, not being yourself, losing your friends and your life and ignoring signs that this all indicates toxicity.
Take good stock of the things I talked about above. If there are red flags that you are ignoring in your relationship and they are making you feel insecure, do something about it. Confront it – either with your partner or on your own.
Don’t waste one more minute in a relationship that makes you feel insecure. Life is too short!
You can do it!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.