Ok! You have decided that it’s time to get over a break up and move on.
Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.
Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.
#1 – Be determined.
The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.
Let’s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it’s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn’t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘trying to quit,’ you haven’t ‘decided to quit.’
Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘try’ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.
So, be determined. With determination you can have success.
#2 – Cut them off.
I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.
The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn’t.
If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won’t feel good.
If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it’s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.
So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.
#3 – Write it down.
One of the reasons that it’s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.
After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.
Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.
The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn’t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.
So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren’t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.
Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.
#4 – Mourn.
I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘just move on.’ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!
That being said, it’s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.
So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.
If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It’s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.
Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don’t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it’s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.
#5 – Be active.
One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.
I know that in this time of Covid-19 it’s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.
Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘feel good’ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it’s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.
Finally, while I know that you aren’t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can’t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn’t have to derail you for good.
Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.
I know that the future doesn’t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won’t last forever.
Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.
I know that things don’t feel good right now but you have read this article in it’s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.
You can do this! I know you can.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.