How to Heal From Resentment After Letting Go of a Married Man

The pain that one feels after a breakup is always intense. And it is the thing that most people focus on as they try to heal. After all, if they can stop feeling the pain, won’t they be able to move on?

Theoretically.

One feeling that doesn’t get much press after a breakup is resentment – that bitter indignation one feels after being treated badly. I find that for women, especially those involved with a married man, resentment is the feeling that they struggle with, much more than the pain that they focus on.

Resentment can feel like a heavy emotional burden, keeping you trapped in past pain and affecting your mental and physical health. It can lead to stress, damaged relationships, and even physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches. Letting go of resentment isn’t about excusing what happened – it’s about freeing yourself.

There are a number of steps that one can take to heal emotional wounds caused by resentment. Let me share them now.

#1 – Understand What Resentment Looks Like

Resentment is that lingering bitterness you feel when unresolved conflicts, perceived mistreatment, or injustices stick with you long after the initial event. It’s not just a surface-level emotion – it often stems from deeper feelings like hurt, fear, or vulnerability that haven’t been addressed. For example, if someone breaks a promise or treats you unfairly, your first reaction might be anger or sadness. But if those emotions aren’t dealt with, they can harden into resentment over time.

Common triggers for resentment include betrayal, broken promises, unfair treatment, repeated criticism, or feeling ignored. Essentially, it’s rooted in situations where you feel powerless or wronged. Many people hold onto anger, believing it will protect them from future pain, but this often backfires, leading to even more emotional suffering.

For many of my clients, particularly those who are dealing with a married man who won’t leave his wife but who also won’t let her go, their resentment is intense. They feel like they have been deceived and it doesn’t feel good at all.

What makes resentment particularly damaging is its connection to perceived injustice and the subtle, often unconscious desire for retribution. This can lead to constant rumination, difficulty focusing, and strained relationships. Understanding these underlying traits is a critical first step in recognizing how resentment can quietly disrupt your well-being.

#2 – Identify How Resentment Harms Your Health

The toll resentment takes isn’t just emotional – it can also impact your physical health. Holding onto bitterness keeps your body in a state of constant stress. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine revealed that people experiencing higher levels of resentment reported more physical symptoms and reduced overall well-being.

When resentment lingers, it triggers chronic stress responses, raising cortisol levels. This can lead to headaches, chronic pain, digestive issues, fatigue, and a weakened immune system. On top of that, it fuels anxiety, depression, and negative thought patterns, leaving you emotionally drained. Instead of moving forward, you might find yourself stuck replaying past hurts, unable to enjoy the present.

I have a client who, after four years involved with a married man, was rushed to the hospital and had 11 feet of her intestines removed. It was after that that she reached out to me because she knew that the anger and resentment that she was feeling because of his broken promises was killing her.

In relationships, resentment can be toxic. It erodes trust, creates emotional distance, and often leads to passive-aggressive behavior or frequent arguments. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or a family member, resentment can cause emotional withdrawal or overly critical behavior, setting off a cycle of misunderstandings and further pain.

If left unchecked, resentment can escalate into more harmful emotions like chronic anger or even hostility. The sad irony is that the person who suffers the most is often the one holding onto the resentment. It keeps you tied to the past, stuck in a loop of anger and pain, and prevents emotional healing.

3 Ways Resentments Hurt and How to Start Healing

#3 – Find the Root Causes of Your Resentment

Once you’ve recognized how resentment impacts your life, the next step is understanding where it comes from. You can’t address what you don’t acknowledge. To truly heal, it’s important to dig beneath the surface and identify the deeper pain fueling your resentment. Otherwise, you’re only addressing the symptoms while the real issue lingers, quietly affecting your well-being.

Resentment rarely appears out of thin air. It builds slowly, often rooted in unresolved emotions like hurt, anger, or frustration that have been managed through avoidance, denial, or blame. These coping mechanisms may offer short-term relief, but they don’t resolve the underlying pain, allowing resentment to grow and take a toll on your mental and physical health.

For my client, after losing her intestines, working with me allowed her to see the truth of her situation – that she thought that she loved this guy but that, really, she was addicted to him. This addiction, which she knew was bad for her, was making her resentful.

This process isn’t about dwelling on the past or assigning blame. It’s about gaining clarity. By identifying the events, behaviors, or circumstances that trigger your resentment, you take an important step toward letting it go and moving forward with purpose.

#4 – Identify Your Triggers

Understanding what stirs up resentment starts with self-reflection. It’s about connecting the dots between past experiences and present emotions. Ask yourself some honest questions: What situations make you feel bitter or angry? Are there specific people who seem to bring out these feelings? When did you first notice this resentment taking shape? Often, you’ll find that current frustrations are tied to older wounds that haven’t fully healed.

I know that for my client, when I asked her questions like these it gave her a lot of clarity. She was resentful that he didn’t tell her the truth that his son was engaged; that he showed up when he wanted to and then not when he didn’t; that he would be hot and cold to her at work; and that he insisted on sex when she didn’t want to. She resented all of that and had never seen it before!

A very helpful exercise for identifying your triggers is writing a letter to the person who hurt you. There’s no need to send it – this is just for you. The act of putting your emotions into words can be incredibly freeing, allowing you to process feelings you’ve been holding back.

Talking to someone you trust can also provide valuable insight. Whether it’s a close friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to share your feelings with can help you see things from a fresh perspective. They might even point out patterns or blind spots you hadn’t noticed. Therapy, in particular, can be incredibly helpful for exploring the deeper causes of resentment and learning how to manage it more effectively.

Pay attention to your body as well. Physical sensations like tension, headaches, or a tight chest when thinking about certain people or situations are often signs of unresolved resentment. Your body can be a powerful guide, revealing what your mind might be avoiding.

#5 – Accept and Validate Your Emotions

Once you’ve identified your triggers, the next step is accepting and validating your emotions. This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions – anger, sadness, disappointment – without judgment.

Ignoring or suppressing these feelings won’t make them disappear. Instead, they often resurface in unhealthy ways, influencing your relationships and behavior. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step toward releasing them and finding peace.

Validation involves recognizing that your emotions are legitimate responses to what you’ve experienced. You’re not being “too sensitive” or “dramatic” for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged.

Self-compassion is crucial during this process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend who is struggling. When self-critical thoughts like “I should be over this by now” or “Why am I letting this get to me?” arise, pause and reframe them. Remind yourself that healing takes time and that it’s okay to feel hurt.

So, how do you let go of resentment?

Now that you’ve pinpointed your triggers and acknowledged your emotions, it’s time to take active steps toward letting go of resentment. This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel better instantly or pretending the pain never existed. Instead, it’s about learning ways to process your emotions in a healthier manner and gradually easing their hold on your life. Different methods work for different people, so it’s important to find what resonates with you. The key is consistency and a willingness to engage, even when it feels challenging. Let’s dive into some therapeutic approaches that can help reshape harmful thought patterns.

#1 – Work With a Professional to Let Go of Negative Thoughts

Professional therapy provides powerful tools to address resentment at its core. These techniques build on your understanding of what fuels your resentment and offer practical strategies to shift your mindset.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is highly effective for addressing resentment. This approach helps you identify and reframe negative thought patterns, enabling you to view situations from a new perspective and reduce the emotional pain tied to resentment ^[1]. In therapy, you’ll learn to challenge automatic assumptions and replace them with more balanced, constructive thoughts, which can help ease those intense feelings ^[1].

Another option is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which focuses on accepting your emotions rather than fighting them. ACT encourages you to acknowledge resentment without letting it dictate your behavior, helping you align your actions with your personal values and goals ^[6]. Similarly, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) combines mindfulness with techniques for managing emotions, tolerating distress, and improving interpersonal relationships, making it especially helpful for navigating intense emotional responses ^[6].

For resentment rooted in trauma, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) may be an effective choice. This therapy helps your brain process painful memories in a way that reduces their emotional intensity, offering relief from lingering resentment ^[8].

If a therapist isn’t the right thing for you, consider reaching out to a life coach (like me!). Life coaches can help you build a life while managing pain and resentment. Either way find the approach that best suits your unique needs.

#2 – Practice Self-Compassion and Empathy

Self-compassion and empathy are powerful tools for softening resentment’s grip. When you treat yourself with patience, understanding, and forgiveness, you validate your pain without judgment and recognize that suffering is a shared human experience ^[2]. This practice can ease the self-criticism that often accompanies unresolved resentment.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now”, pause and replace that thought with kindness. Imagine what you’d say to comfort a close friend in your situation, and offer those same words to yourself. At the same time, empathy allows you to consider the perspective of the person who hurt you – not to excuse their behavior, but to understand the struggles or limitations that may have shaped their actions ^[5]. Research shows that taking another person’s perspective can help reduce anger and open the door to emotional healing ^[3].

#3 – Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is very important for maintaining your peace and preventing resentment from building. Start by identifying your personal limits – what behaviors are acceptable to you and what are not. Communicate these boundaries clearly using “I” statements, such as, “I need uninterrupted time to share my thoughts when we’re discussing something important” ^[4]. Enforcing these boundaries consistently – whether that means limiting contact or stepping away from harmful situations – helps protect you from ongoing hurt and resentment ^[4]. Balancing forgiveness with self-protection ensures you can let go of resentment while safeguarding your emotional well-being ^[7].

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Healing from the grip of resentment is a journey that calls for patience, self-awareness, and steady effort.

Along the way, you’ve discovered that facing your pain head-on, rather than burying it, is the cornerstone of recovery. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens in an instant – it’s a process, one that may require revisiting old wounds as part of moving forward.

Progress isn’t always a straight line. There will be setbacks, but each one is an opportunity to grow. What matters most is how you respond – with self-awareness, kindness toward yourself, and a determination to keep going. Signs of healing might include feeling less anxious about past hurts, enjoying better sleep, improving your physical health, strengthening your relationships, and finding a renewed sense of purpose.

You have the ability to heal and reshape your relationship with resentment. By acknowledging your pain, seeking help, and committing to these practices, you’re demonstrating strength and self-awareness. Taking responsibility for your healing is an act of courage, one that paves the way for emotional well-being and happiness. Every step you take toward forgiveness is a step toward freedom. Celebrate your progress and keep applying these strategies to create a life filled with peace and fulfillment.

Mitzi Bockmann