Have you recently (or not so recently) discovered that your partner is having an affair online and are looking to understand if and how surviving internet infidelity is possible?
Are you wondering if internet infidelity is worse than in person?
Internet infidelity is a relatively new phenomenon. The degrees of online infidelity range from simply consistent chatting with someone to regular, intense intimate sharing. Both of them can be considered infidelity.
It’s important that you examine your feelings around what has occurred to decide how you feel about what your partner has done. Can you ever trust them again? Can you forgive them but not forgive? Is what happened beyond redemption, do you think?
Once you know how you feel, you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or go.
And, either way, you need to start working on surviving internet infidelity so it doesn’t destroy you.
#1 – Let go of self-blame.
Do you blame yourself that your partner strayed? Do you think that if you had only been nicer or funnier or skinnier or had more sex with them that they wouldn’t have cheated on you?
Do you chide yourself for being so clueless that you didn’t see the signs, that you missed the fact that your partner was stepping out on you?
Let me tell you, your partner’s infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Infidelity happens for many reasons but it doesn’t happen because of things that you didn’t do. More often than not, infidelity is something that happens not because someone seeks it out but because two people meet and there is an attraction that proves irresistible.
Blame is a double-edged sword but if anyone must be blamed it’s those who couldn’t resist, who proved weak in the face of temptation and who lied to you over and over.
I know it’s hard but work hard to not blame yourself because you are not to blame.
#2 – Accept your feelings.
Do you find yourself struggling with a wide range of emotions?
Do you find yourself crying one minute, raging another, way too happy and then back to the tears? Do you find yourself sitting in the car looking out the window only to realize that an hour has passed?
People whose partner have strayed struggle with unstable emotions and disorientation. The pain that has been caused them is so extreme that it can render their emotions uncontrollable. Because of the power of these emotions, our brain can get overwhelmed and disorientation is the result.
Time will help with emotions that are out of control – they are strongest right after the pain is caused but they dissipate as time goes on. Often times, without help, they don’t go away completely but they can, at the very least, be managed. And when managed, the disorientation will be resolved.
For now, have awareness that the wide range of emotions that you are struggling with are completely natural. Chiding yourself for feeling them, for not staying calm, for being angry with life and at the same so very sad will only make the emotions worse. Furthermore, not pushing the feelings down but letting yourself feel them and letting them go is the best way to work through them in a productive way.
Accepting and feeling your emotions as a part of the healing process will allow them to help you do that – heal.
#3 – Manage those intrusive thoughts.
Do you find yourself obsessing over and over with the images of your partner committing infidelity? Do you regularly chide yourself for missing the signs? Do you question your self-worth and wonder if you are worthy of love? Do you spend more time in your head than you do in the now, living your life?
Unfortunately, our powerful brain – the thing that distinguishes us from every other animal in the world – can also be our worst enemy. Our brain loves to run negative tapes over and over, tapes that serve to reinforce all of the bad thoughts that we have about ourselves, our loved one and our lives.
These negative thoughts don’t serve us in any way and can actually make healing more difficult.
There are ways to deal with these intrusive thoughts. The first it to start having awareness that the thoughts are just that, intrusive and not necessarily productive. Next, accept that the thoughts are not serving you but that they should not be chased away. Let these thoughts float through your head and don’t try to analyze them or give them any power. And then let them go.
It’s also important to remember that the thoughts will probably come back and that you will have to practice this awareness over and over. Ultimately, with time, those intrusive thoughts will dissipate.
Another useful tool for reducing the power of intrusive thought is by doing something that will occupy your brain. Yoga and meditation are excellent tools for managing intrusive thoughts but reading, TV and sleep also work. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break from those thoughts, even for a little while, will help you manage them and reduce their effect on you.
#4 – Work to trust again.
Many people who are trying to understand surviving online infidelity find that they have developed significant trust issues.
When the person who we love the most, on whom we have put all of our hopes and dreams, who we trust more than anyone else, betrays us then our place in the world is profoundly affected. Instead of believing in the best in people we are instead left believing that people are ultimately evil and that trusting ourselves and our emotions to anyone will only cause us pain.
It is important, when your partner has been unfaithful, that you spend as much time as possible with those who love you and those you can trust. One person has betrayed your trust, not everyone, and being reminded of that regularly will help restore your faith in people.
With time, and help, you will learn that trusting people is possible and that even that person who betrayed your trust might be worthy of it again.
#5 – Know that you will be okay.
Are you struggling with the belief that nothing will ever be the same again? That happiness will be forever out of reach, that you will never love again and that life can not possibly go on? Are you feeling completely hopeless by the prospect of your future?
It is important that you understand the nature of hopelessness around online infidelity. For many people, their partners cheating can lead to depression and, when we are depressed, the belief that anything will ever be okay again is inconceivable. When we are depressed we are simply incapable of believing that life will get better.
But, let me promise you that, with time and treatment, the feeling of depression and hopelessness will fade. Life does go on, you will love again and that happiness will once again be yours.
Again, spending time with people who love you is an excellent way to manage the hopelessness. You might not believe them in the moment but having people remind you that you will get through this and that life will go on is an essential part of the healing process.
Surviving online infidelity is definitely possible. People do it every day.
What has happened to you has been traumatic and you fear for your future but, with awareness and acceptance, you can move forward and be happy again.
If you are blaming yourself, work hard to let that go. If your thoughts and your emotions are swinging back and forth, know that they are there and that they are causing trouble. Feel them and let them go. Spend time with people you love and trust to learn that you can trust again. And believe in your future.
If you find that you can’t manage your feelings around this and that you aren’t surviving online infidelity in a healthy way, considering consulting a therapist or a life coach. Sometimes professional help is important to get through trauma like this.
Know that time is the ultimate healer. I know it’s hard to believe it now but, as time goes on, you will feel better. Life will be worth living again. The pain might not be gone but it will be less and it will be manageable.
For now, keep your head up, believe that the future is there, accept where you are right now and get some help.
You will get through this, I promise. You will love and be loved again.
Do you want to know more about surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.