So, you are thinking about having an affair.
You didn’t go looking to have one but you have met a certain someone who rocks your world. The feelings you have for him are like none you have ever had before so it would be wrong to deny those feelings. Right?
To the uninitiated, having an affair is all about the sex. Don’t get me wrong. Affairs ARE about sex. Wonderful, illicit, mind-blowing sex. But they are also about so much more.
What else, you ask?
Hold on, because what you are about to read might surprise you.
#1 – It will wake you up in a big way.
Affairs don’t happen in a void. People who have affairs are often stuck in long-term, unhappy relationships. Sex is nonexistent, communication has broken down and love is dead.
Then, out of nowhere, someone new appears and changes everything.
I have a client who thought her life was fine. She wasn’t happy but she didn’t feel like the absence of love and sex was important to her. She had her kids and her friends and her work and, really, what else could a 40-year-old want?
Until she met him… and he totally got her! They could spend hours talking about everything and understood each other perfectly. He thought she was beautiful and told her so every text he sent her. Just thinking about him got her body tingling. And when they ultimately had sex. Boom!
She had been sleepwalking for years. Getting older every day, just being fine. No longer. She was awake. Every single-bitty part of her was wide awake.
#2 – You will have the best sex of your life.
Affair sex is sex of the likes of which you have never had before in your life. It’s better than anything you could ever imagine.
Affair sex is a drug— a highly addictive, legal, potentially lethal drug. And once you have a hit, there is no going back.
Emotional connection marks the beginning of affairs, ones that can be months or years in the making. And that kind of extended emotional foreplay can only lead to intense sexual connection. Certainly, more intense than anything you have had recently or ever.
The sex is illicit. No matter how old we are, doing things that we aren’t supposed to do is fun. I know someone who perfected the art of having sex in the pantry. No sheets needed to be changed and there were lots of fun walls and doors to be put to full use. The experimentation was the best part.
And then there are the orgasms. Our lives are dull, routine, chaotic, and jam-packed. The dopamine high from an orgasmcan last more than 5 hours. Imagine how much better grocery shopping or conference calls are when you are experiencing an orgasm high as well.
Once you have had affair sex, it’s virtually impossible to stop. And this is why people can’t walk away from it and they risk everything to have it. Everything.
#3 – You will be broken down into a million little pieces.
Affairs at the beginning are more exciting than anything you could ever have imagined. And then, not so much.
One of my clients had an affair with a stay-at-home dad. They had known each other for years and, one day, she needed him and he was there for her. Everything changed.
There was a new electricity between them that was addictive. And try as they might to not let it get physical, it did. It did over and over and over again. It was so much better than married people sex and neither one of them could get enough of it.
Soon the addiction of their affair started disrupting their lives. They would show up late to school functions because they had been squeezing in a quickie. Or they would manufacture late-night runs to the grocery store to spend time together.
Their relationships with their friends, at work, with their children and, of course, with their spouses suffered.
They tried to break it off. They knew the destruction it was causing. But, they just couldn’t let go of the way that they felt when they were together.
My client hated herself. The tug of war between the emotional, sexual woman who she was in the throes of the affair and the person she was as a wife and a mother was killing her. She lost 20 pounds, stopped sleeping, cut off her friends, and ultimately had a nervous breakdown.
The thing that started off so magically almost killed her.
#4 – It will be almost impossible to walk away.
Many people enter into affairs thinking that it will be brief thing. ‘We will just have sex once and that will be it’ is often the thought process.
Unfortunately, once you have started an affair it is almost impossible to walk away from it. Once you have sex with another man, once you have crossed that threshold, there will be no turning back.
The person who you are in the affair, the one who is loved and loving, who is having great sex, who is appreciated and taken care of, the one who feels alive for the first time in years, will do anything to not have to go back to being the person they were before.
As a result, affairs often last until someone is caught because breaking away is virtually impossible. You might succeed for a few weeks or months but staying away is very hard. Personally, I don’t know anyone who has succeeded, unless they are caught, and even then it’s very difficult.
#5 – It will change your life in a big way, in more ways than one.
When someone finally starts noticing who they are in the world, they start recognizing not only the need for a big change.
A client of mine had been miserable in her marriage for a long time. She tells the story about the first time a friend told her to leave her husband as they were driving their sons home from preschool. Their sons are now sophomores in college.
She fell madly in love — and lust — with a man she worked with. She went through the incredible highs, sure she had found the love of her life, and then, ultimately, she crashed and burned because that great love turned out to be just another man. Before she knew it, she had lost a year of her life and of her children’s life. She was wrecked.
She did see, at the end of that year, having lived through the joys and the pain of love, lust, and deep emotion, that she had to leave her husband. The words that wouldn’t come out of her mouth for 20 years came out readily — and with conviction.
She knew that she would die, literally and figuratively, if she didn’t get rid of the toxic men in her life and start building a life that would feed her soul. Her affair, and it’s after-effects, gave her the power to do that.
If you are considering having an affair, think carefully before you do.
While affairs seem like they are all about sex, they are so much more. They will build you up and then tear you down in a way you could never have imagined.
You will become addicted to and obsessed with your affair in a way you have never been obsessed before.
Your affair will, in more ways than one, change your life forever.
So, tread lightly, my friend, and be careful. I know he seems like your soulmate but really, he is just another man. Do you want to risk your life for him?
Are you considering having an affair?
Think it through first and let me help!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.