Don’t you just want to find someone to love. Someone to make a life with and live happily ever after with. Why can’t it just be that easy?
Why? Because we meet a guy who has everything on our list – things like he is smart, funny, handsome, independent – and we jump in because we think he might be the one.
BUT, are those things – the things on our list – really the personality traits that are essential for a long-lasting relationship?
I would say NO. I think they are important but they aren’t THE most important things to look for in a man who will love you forever.
So, let’s try doing it differently. Let’s start by looking for a guy who has the personality traits of a guy you want to fall in love with and those things on our list second.
So, what are those traits?
#1 – An eagerness to learn.
Don’t you just hate guys who think they know everything?
How they come into a relationship thinking that they know what makes a relationship work and how people need to behave and they aren’t willing to consider doing anything differently.
We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage. Hurt from past relationships, disappointed expectations, frustrations at how hard it all is, unrealistic expectations about what could be.
All of those things make forming a relationship difficult but they are also all things that could allow a relationship to flourish, if dealt with correctly.
What about if you found a man who is able to look at his past mistakes and see how he might have done things differently. Or a man who didn’t hold things that went wrong in past relationships over your head, assuming that those things will happen in your relationship as well.
What if you found a guy who was willing to look to take a fresh look at how a relationship could be WITH YOU and was willing to listen to ideas from you about what might work wellA guy who is willing to learn other ways to be in a relationship is a guy who is going to make a woman fall in love with him.
#2 – Putting others first.
A man who is going to be someone you want to fall in love with is a man who is interested in putting others first.
A man who is willing to miss the football game for a birthday dinner with his mom. Who will open a door for someone even if he knows that that person will then be ahead of him in that really long line. Who is willing to bend his schedule to accommodate being with the woman he loves when she needs him.
Many men put themselves first, either out of habit or necessity. Perhaps they are protecting themselves, perhaps their mother made them that way or perhaps they are just clueless. But what good is a man with a wicked sense of humor who doesn’t put others first, at least some of the time?
Do you want to be playing second fiddle for the rest of your life?
#3 – Flexibility.
Life is messy and a key personality trait in a guy who women fall in love with is flexibility.
Every day, even the best laid plans are dashed by life. And when plans are dashed then everyone needs to work together to set things back in motion again.
A client of mine owns her own business and has a crazy busy schedule that often changes on a dime. As a result, she often has to change plans with her guy. Instead of getting pissed that she can’t see him or taking it personally that she has to shift things again, her guy rolls with it. He knows exactly what is happening and is happy to accept it as part of being with her. She in turn makes every effort to communicate changes to him as soon as she knows of them and that Friday night and Saturday morning are set in stone as time for them. They are both flexible and that makes their relationship work.
And yes, he is good looking and she was immediately attracted to him but, over time, the flexibility that he displays regularly is way more important to her!
#4 – Self-respect.
There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with self-respect.
A man who takes care of himself and his space and the people around him.
I had a Match date once with a guy I emailed with for more than a week. I really, really liked him and was looking forward to our date. We were meeting for coffee and I dressed casually but carefully in anticipation of our meeting.
And him? He showed up in sweats with stains on his shirt and holes in the knees. His hair was a mess and he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. It was not a good first impression.
For me, I felt like a guy who didn’t take care of himself wasn’t going to be the kind of guy who could take care of me. And I was right – the more I got to know him, the more I saw that he was pretty careless in all of his life. A huge reason, I am guessing, why he is still single.
So, choose a smart guy but choose a guy who takes care of himself, his environment and those around him. A guy with self-respect who will respect you as well.
#5 – Self Awareness
Ok, so you have met the guy of your dreams. He is smart, funny, educated, employed and cute. And then you realize that he doesn’t know that he is any of those things and that he has a chip on his shoulder because of it.
I have a client who was madly in love with a man she knew from college. They had reconnected on Facebook and after months of talking they got together.
Her man was smart, gorgeous and really good at making her laugh. And that was enough, until it wasn’t.
Her man didn’t know that he was smart, hot and funny. He had encountered many failures in his life and those repeated failures had made him incredibly insecure.
This insecurity ultimately destroyed their relationship because he couldn’t believe that she loved him and he couldn’t commit to her because he didn’t think that he deserved her.
While he met all the criteria on my client’s list, he didn’t know who he was and their relationship was doomed.
Find yourself a guy who has done his work and who knows who he is in the world and that he likes that person. And that other people like him too.
Yes, love is the goal and a frustrating one it can be to reach.
I am here to suggest that if your quest for love is failing, you need to try approaching it differently.
So, make a list about what you want from the guy of your dreams and include more than a sense of humor and blue eyes. Think about what personality traits are important to you. Consider the above when you make your list.
Do things differently this time. You will be glad you did! I promise.
Is your search for love getting you down?
Let me help, NOW, because the guy of your dreams is out there, waiting for you!
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I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.