How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” ^[7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” ^[8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. ^[9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. ^[2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. ^[9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

Start by creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. ^[11] Add calming touches like soft lighting, soothing music, plants, or a favorite blanket. These small details can signal safety to your nervous system.

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. ^[2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. ^[9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. ^[9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. ^[9][3][10]

Grounding techniques are equally effective. Try pressing your toes firmly into the ground, focusing on the texture of an object in your hand, or slowly turning your head to reorient yourself in the present moment ^[9][3][10].

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. ^[9][10]

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#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters ^[12].

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

A journal can be a valuable tool for tracking your progress. Each day, jot down moments when you trusted yourself. Maybe you spoke up about a preference, set a boundary, or followed your gut instinct. Include the date, the decision you made, and the outcome. This practice not only helps you see that you’re already making trustworthy decisions, but it also serves as a reminder of your successes when self-doubt creeps in. It’s like creating a personal archive of your growth – proof that you’re capable of trusting yourself.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. ^[13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. ^[3] Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” ^[4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Mitzi Bockmann