Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!