Being a mom and a partner can be tough.
From the moment that your child is born all your genetic material calls to you to make this child your priority. To make sure it survives in this perilous world.
Unfortunately, it is this exact thing that can create a huge divide between you and your partner. Until your child is born you put your relationship with your partner first. Suddenly that is no longer the case and this can cause severe strain between the two of you, strain that can stretch a marriage to breaking without a little care and keeping.
It is possible to to find ways to make your husband feel loved. Here are some ways to start!
#1 – Make sure you speak their language.
For most of us, we express our love for our partners the way that we want to be loved. If we like hugs, we give them to our partner, hoping that they will feel our love for them. Or we might give them gifts, showing them that way that we are attached to them.
Unfortunately, this tactic can fail because, in spite of our efforts, if our partner needs something different to feel loved then our efforts will fall flat.
Fortunately, there is a tool at hand that will help you learn to understand ways to make your husband feel loved.
In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman lists 5 ways that someone wants to be loved – physical touch, words of affection, quality time, acts of service and receiving gifts. If you can understand what your partner needs to feel loved then you can do those things, instead of what you need. And they will feel loved.
I would encourage both of you should go to the 5 Love Languages website, www.5lovelanguages.com, and take the love languages test so that you can learn what your partner needs to feel loved.
I works. Big time. I promise.
#2 – Use your words.
I hear it all the time. I ask a client if they tell their husband that they love them and my client says “He knows that I love do.”
Maybe this is true and maybe it is not. Regardless, you should look your husband in the eye and tell him every day that you love them.
It means a lot for people to be told that they are loved or that they are beautiful or that you miss them. They might “know it” already but words are very meaningful.
A client’s of mine never heard from her spouse when he was away and it was very painful because she missed him. They argued about it almost every time he left but she wasn’t clear with him why she wanted to hear from him so he didn’t change his behavior. I suggested that she tell him that she loved him very much and missed him when he was gone.
She says that he has called her every night he is away since she told him how she felt.
So use your words to express your feelings. You will be happy you did.
#3 – Touch him.
Touch is one of the most primeval ways to communicate with another person.
Long before there were words, scientists say, humans beings communicated with gestures and touch. Animals still do. We know the importance of touch with our babies, that touch encourages bonding and trust. Take that same perspective with your husband.
Touch him when he walks in the door, take his hand in the hardware store, wrap yourself around him when you go to sleep at night.
Touching your partner will speak volumes about the love that you have for them.
#4 – Be kind.
I know this seems basic but it is something that gets lost in the chaos of family life.
I know, from personal experience, that as our family grew, as my life became more stressful, I took it out on my husband. I nit picked and nagged and snapped and even yelled, all for things that were as often as not not his fault. And I saw the hurt in his eyes every time I did it. I would take it all back if I could. My not being kind to him created a chasm between us that was hard to repair.
I have a client who came to me about problems with her husband. They had a 2 year old and she felt the distance growing between them every day but she didn’t know why. When I asked if she was kind to him she looked at me with surprise, paused and said, with a sense of wonder, “no.”
She set the intention to be kind that very day and it has brought them back together in a very meaningful way.
#5 – Give them freedom.
You know the saying “If you love someone set them free.”
Often, amidst the chaos of every day life, we cling to our partners as a life raft, needing them with us always to keep us from drowning in the messiness. This clinginess can actually drive someone away, however, because your partner will become resentful of your need to constantly have them by your side.
Both of you should have some time away from the chaos, regularly, sometimes together and sometimes apart. We were all individuals once, before we became a couple and then a family, and it’s important to nurture that individual in ourselves, so that we can be a better partner and a better parent.
I know that looking for ways to make your husband feel love can feel like a lot of effort and something what will add a lot of stress to your life.
But doing so is really really important.
Stop for a minute and try to imagine what it would feel like to love and feel loved by your partner, every day, as you navigate through this crazy world. Pretty good, don’t you think?
Are you looking for ways to make your husband feel loved?
Let me help you learn some tools, NOW, before it goes too far!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.