Tag Archive for: past

5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even as Your Heart is Breaking

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If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Letting go of love is not easy, but it is possible. Just follow these steps, and before you know it, you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and move on with your life.

#1 – Ask yourself how determined you are to do this.

Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren ‘ t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a yes, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer, and with some time, you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

#2 – Cut him off.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say, and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple?

So when you have decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. Do you know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided you are determined to break yourself out of.

So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#3- Ask yourself what it is that you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn ‘ t the man for her, and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client, it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated her and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning, and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn ‘ t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn ‘ t, and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core, actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn ‘ t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn ‘ t have a future together, but their past, their experiences together, and how she felt about him was something that she wanted to hold on to, not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion, my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn ‘ t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

Need some help letting going of love? I can help. Just let me know….

#4 – Ask yourself what is true and what you have made up in your head.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships, but, unfortunately, often, these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted, and if her boyfriend loved her enough, he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn ‘ t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful, there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn ‘ t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn ‘ t want, and stack them up next to what she did want her hopes and dreams. When she did, she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge, she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Ask yourself what it is you really want in a relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want, you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in a relationship with you. It doesn ‘ t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, that he won ‘ t match up with many of the things on that list, and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can ‘ t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn ‘ t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love, but in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

Do you struggling with letting go of love?
Let me help, NOW, before your heart break even more!
Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started!

 

5 Ways to Forgive – Even if it Seems Impossible

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Did somebody do something to you that hurt you deeply? Are you looking for ways to forgive because you want and need to?

Perhaps your sister embarrassed you AGAIN at a family gathering with something she said. Perhaps your husband chose your mother-in-law ‘ s side in a discussion about where to spend Easter. Or a good friend forgot to invite you to her Cabi party.

And are you so angry, so hurt, that you just can ‘ t get past it?

I am here to tell you that you can.

Holding a grudge is one of the worst things that you can do for your health. So don ‘ t!

#1 – Recognize that everyone is human.

Everyone is doing the best that they can. Let me say that again. Everyone is doing the best that they can.

The person you are today, right now, is the result of a lifetime of experiences, experiences that include how your mother loved you when you were a child and the way that taxi driver splashed you with a muddy puddle this morning.

It is a combination of those things that determine how you react to something the way you do. The same rules apply to other people.

Do you know that co-worker who is rude to you every morning when you come into the office? Who doesn ‘ t greet you with a smile and small talk? Do you resent that person, think perhaps she is a bitch? Do you spend way too much time thinking about it during meetings?

That co-worker is just a person doing the best that she can, and you have no idea what she is dealing with. Perhaps she has an autistic child who needs to be dropped off at daycare in the morning, and the process is devastating every time. Might that person not be able to greet you with a happy smile in the morning? Might that person be more in need of some compassion from you?

Don ‘ t assume anything about anyone. We are all just doing the best that we can. We are human, after all.

#2 – Don ‘ t take everything personally.

It is not all about you. Again, it is not all about you.

‘ What ‘ s this? ‘ you think. ‘ Of course, it ‘ s all about me. ‘

When someone hurts you, I can guarantee that they almost never set out to hurt you. What they do might be insensitive but more often than not, hurting you is not the reason why someone does something.

When your husband sides with your mother-in-law about Easter Sunday, he is not doing it to purposely hurt you. He is doing it because he wants to please his mother or even perhaps because he genuinely believes her plan is the better one.

He does not do it because he has no respect for your opinions because he does and he demonstrated this last week when he applauded your actions around a problem at work.

He did it for his own reasons, ones that have nothing to do with you.

Not taking everything as a personal affront is an excellent way to take steps towards forgiveness. Know that people do things for a variety of reasons, and hurting you is rarely one of them.

#3 – Look to the future, not the past.

Do you want your present and your future to be based on the past? Or do you want your future to be bright and full of possibilities?

If yes, stop looking to the past and look forward with an open heart.

I have a client whose husband left her a LONG time ago, and she still can ‘ t get past it. Everything that is wrong in her life she blames on his leaving her. Everything.

In an effort to help her forgive her husband and move on, we have been working on her building a life for herself. She has found a great job and is under contract in a wonderful apartment. She is dating again and spending lots of time with her grandchildren. For the first time in years, she is happy.

The more that she focuses on her present and her future, the less time she spends obsessing about the past and all of her perceived losses. Because that ‘ s how her losses are perceived. She has no idea how her life might have been if her husband had stayed with her. What she does know is how amazing her life is now.

And that is what counts.

#4 – Take responsibility.

This is a hard one – to take responsibility for our role in a perceived hurt. But it ‘ s a very important one.

We all play a role in every interaction we have. And, like it or not, our role is as relevant to the outcome as the other person ‘ s.

In the case of my client, who was irate about not being invited to her friend ‘ s Cabi party, I asked her to take a good look at why she thought she might not have been invited.

At first, she said that she had no idea that her friend was just a loser. But then, after some reflection, she realized that she hadn ‘ t really enjoyed the last Cabi party and that she might have expressed those feelings to a few of their friends.

Perhaps her friend hadn ‘ t invited her for just that reason? Not because she was a loser and wanted to hurt her friend, but maybe because she knew her friend didn ‘ t enjoy the parties and wanted her not to feel compelled to attend?

Hmm, that changes things a bit, doesn ‘ t it?

#5 – Be honest and let it go.

You know when you stay up all night, playing and replaying something that your sister said to you on the phone? How it was just like something that she has said to you your entire life? How it drives you crazy every time?

Have you ever told her that it drives you crazy every time? Perhaps now is the time.

Being honest with someone about something they are doing that hurts you is important. And it ‘ s important to do so in an honest, non-passive-aggressive way.

It ‘ s entirely possible that your sister doesn ‘ t know how she repeatedly upsets you. If you tell her, you are giving her an opportunity to change or explain her behaviour. And if you understand the reasons behind her behaviours, you can accept them and let them go.

Because who wants to stay up all night perseverating about their sister’s words and actions? Sleep is a precious thing that shouldn ‘ t be squandered needlessly.

So let it go. Get some sleep. Be happy.

‘ To err is human, to forgive, divine. ‘ So said Alexander Pope in the early 1700s. He knew even back then the virtue found in forgiveness. He knew that we were all doing the best that we could and to forgive is to find God.

So look for ways to forgive. Practice forgiveness. Cut those who upset you some slack, accept responsibility for your share of the blame, let go of the past and make yourself a bright future.

Because that ‘ s what we want. No matter how dark our past is, we want our future to be bright. And with forgiveness, it can be.

 

If you have read this far, you must really need to find ways to forgive.
Let me help you, NOW, before the anger eats you alive!
Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started!

 

 

 

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