5 Things to Ask Yourself if You Aren’t Happy

Being unhappy is horrible. It can take over your life and suck all that is good and joyful out of it. None of us want to be unhappy but many of us are.

One thing many of us don’t ask ourselves is why we are unhappy. We have a vague understanding that our lives are not what we hoped they would be but we don’t know specifically why.

In an effort to help you identify what specifically is making you unhappy I have five questions for you. Answer them in terms of your own life and you will get the answers you are looking for.

#1 – Are you living in integrity?

All of us having internal guiding principles that are important to us, things like the importance of trust or honesty or loyalty. These guiding principles light our path to living our best life but unfortunately they can get lost as life happens.

Do you know what your guiding principles are and are your living them?

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. He made her deliriously happy, or so she told herself. But still she didn’t feel good about her life and she didn’t know why.

I asked her what her guiding principles were – what was most important to her in a relationship?

After some thought and discussion she realized that the truth was of paramount importance to her. And that nothing about her relationship with the married man was based on truth.

“Are you able to live with that?” I asked. “And be happy?”

The answer was no and she soon moved on. On into a relationship that was based on truth and trust and she is happy.

#2 – Is your relationship making your heart sing?

Our romantic relationships are very important, more important than many of us recognize.

In this modern world we are told that we should be able to take care of ourselves and that to rely on another to bring us some happiness is a sign of weakness.

But this just simply is not true.

Happy committed relationships provide much that is essential to human survival: commitment, communication, touch, sharing, sex, support, laughter, joy, sex. When we have those things our lives are fuller, we are satisfied, we are loved. Other things can bring us down but the foundation of a good relationship help us when we founder.

Being in a relationship isn’t necessary for happiness but being in a relationship that is toxic puts you on the surest path to being unhappy.

I have a client whose husband was always one of two things: absent or drunk. She wasn’t sure which was worse – his not being in the house or being drunk when he was. What she did know was that it was making her miserable. She was always hoping that things would change but they never did. She was alone in her marriage.

And the rest of her life? It foundered. Her parenting suffered, she stopped eating well and exercising and gained 20 pounds, her work was neglected and her crabbiness made her friends stay away.

What did she do? After much deliberation and overcoming lots of fear, she asked him to stay absent and she is fighting her way back to herself, on the path to living the life of her dreams.

#3 – Do you make a difference in the world?

I know you are going to say that you just don’t have time to volunteer. How could I possibly ask you to do that?

I am not going to ask you to do that. Although if it appeals you should try it. Volunteering makes the world go round.

What I mean by making a difference is asking you how you interact with others in the world. Did you smile at the checkout person at the grocery store? Do you hold doors for other people? Do you refrain from giving the man who cut you off in his BMW the finger? Do you pick up trash that you see in the street?

All of these things contribute to the world in a small way and doing them will make your life a better place as well. The act of smiling at someone will actually make you and the person you smiled at happier. Holding doors for people makes them feel noticed and you made it happen. Not giving someone the finger will allow you not to feel the pain of remorse in the middle of the night. And picking up that trash will literally make the world a more beautiful place.

So make a difference in the world every day. It will make you happier. I promise.

Want to be happy? Let me help!

#4 – Do you feel healthy and strong?

You know when you go out on a long dock and it’s old and creaky and with each step you wonder if you are going to end up in the water? If you aren’t healthy and strong, like a good dock, you could find yourself drowning before you know it.

Taking care of yourself is the key to a foundation from which happiness can grow. Eat well, but don’t deprive yourself. Exercise, but only so it makes you feel good. Do one thing that makes you happy every day, like a massage or lunch with a friend. Find a life coach, to get the support that you need.

If you feel healthy and strong you will be able to take on whatever life throws at you.

Wouldn’t that feel great?

#5 – Do you challenge yourself?

I know that I have my routines. I get up, walk my dog, do some yoga, work all day, walk my dog again, do errands, have dinner, take a bath and go to bed. Pretty much every day.

As a life coach I know that while routines are good for keeping us on track it is essential to challenge ourselves. Challenging yourself will keep your brain going strong, keep you physically confident and get that adrenaline rushing.

What do I mean by being challenged? It can be anything.

When I got divorced I promised myself that I would start doing all of the things that scared me. I learned how to ride a jet ski (which was awesome), I conquered my fear of driving in the snow (which was convenient), I took up crossword puzzles (which has made me way smarter) and I can now use power tools. Even a drill.

It’s so hard to imagine now not being able to do those things. Doing them has given me so much more confidence in myself – not only that I can do them but that I challenged myself to overcome my fears and prevailed.

And did I mention that I was way smarter? That makes me happy.

Unhappiness to so many of us is just the status quo. We assume that this is the way life is and we just push through it. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Happiness IS possible.

Are you making choices that are feeling good? Are you feeling loved and supported in your relationship? Did you make someone smile today? Is your foundation strong? Did you do something recently that got your adrenaline pumping?

If not, choose one and make it happen.

Happiness is yours for the taking. Today.

If you have read this far you must really want to be happy.
Let me help you, NOW, and et’s get started!
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5 Reasons Telling the Truth Will Make You Happy

Remember back in high school when you and your best friend both liked the same guy and then the guy started liking you back and you didn’t know what to do about your friend so you didn’t tell her? How did that work out?

We all have secrets. Secrets that may or may not affect the lives of other people. And we may or may not choose to share those secrets because we just don’t know if doing so is the right thing. For everyone.

I am here to tell you that holding on to secrets is not a good thing. For anyone.

#1 – You are not protecting your loved one, even if you think you are.

This is the reason that most people hold onto a secret. They believe that not telling someone the truth will somehow help them. And this does seems logical because you trying to take care of someone who is important to you and sharing the secret might cause them pain.

But why do you think that you know what is best for someone? Yes, you think you really know that person, and you probably do, but by not giving them information that could possibly change their life you are doing them a disservice.

Everyone deserves the right to be in charge of his or her own destiny. You not telling them the truth takes away their power.

#2 – Telling the truth will allow the healing process to begin.

Think about when someone told you something that caused you some hurt. Yes, in the moment, and for many moments afterwards, life was a very difficult place. Perhaps even unbearable.

But it’s the natural process that the body pushes through trauma, big or small, and starts healing. This is how we survive as a species. And we can only start healing when we know what we are dealing with.

Awareness is key.

#3 – Telling the truth will keep your head from exploding.

Holding onto a secret is terribly hard on one’s psyche. Your brain and your heart are in constant conflict, one arguing for revealing the truth, one pushing against it. And the result? Your stomach hurts all the time. And your head threatens to explode.

When your body is telling you that what you are doing is not good it is important that you listen to it. Holding on to a secret can have long-term effects both on the body and the brain.

Imagine what it would feel like to not have this secret in your body. Pretty amazing, right?

#4 – Telling the truth will keep your loved one’s head from exploding.

People always know when you are hiding something, especially people who are close to you. We think we are so good at hiding things but those who know us know our tells. They know when we are stressed, or preoccupied, or being distant.

If they see these behaviors then your loved one might start to question themselves. Have they done something that has caused you to behave this way? Have they hurt you in some way? They might even ask you about it and when you aren’t honest in return they are left hurt and wondering still.

Their brain and their heart will start arguing and their stomach will start to hurt and their head will threaten to explode. How is hiding this secret protecting them? How is not telling them the truth allowing them to start to heal?

It’s just not.

#5 – You will help change the world.

Secrets are insidious. They can cause damage that seems in the moment and personal but which can be far reaching.

My mother had an affair with a married man for 10 years. He would call and mom would tell me that it was her lawyer (which he was, in fact, a lawyer, but not hers). Soon enough I realized what was going on and also knew that he wasn’t leaving his wife and that my mom was miserable. I suffered from massive guilt that she was home alone and I would come home from college on weekends just to be with her. I was distracted from my life worrying about her. I started drinking and not doing well in school.

Repercussions carried forward into my adult life. I didn’t believe that I should be cared for and therefore cared for everyone else at the expense of myself. My mother ultimately married her man and how I resented him for the years that he left my mother so unhappy. I didn’t trust men and this will forever affect my relationship with them.

And then, at my mother’s funeral, her friends told me stories about my mom and her husband that blew my mind. While he hadn’t left his wife, my mom and her lover were together more often than not. They traveled together extensively, trips I never knew about. They had weekend parties at our house where her husband and his friends would travel from Virginia. They even got married without including us.

All the guilt that I suffered was for naught. My mother was doing just fine. Not perfect, I know, but not as bad as she led me to believe by not telling me the truth.

How different might my life had been, and as a result, perhaps, the life of my ex-husband, my children and their children, if I had known the truth?

Many of us are scared of telling the truth, of the ramifications of our words and our fear that we will be blamed for anything that happens because of our actions.

But really, the best thing, for everyone, is to release those secrets out into the world, let happen what is going to happen, and then let the healing process begin.

So just do it. Stop keeping those secrets bottled up inside. You, and your loved ones, will be better for it.

Are you really struggling with telling the truth?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before it causes more damage.

Email me at, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Things to Choose if You Want to be Happy

You know that person. The one who is always happy. Nothing seems to get them down. They are successful, have good friends, exude confidence and are just fun to be with.

Is this you?

Everybody wants to be happy. It seems pretty simple doesn’t it? But the reality is different. Happiness is a choice. A few choices actually. And it’s totally within reach for everyone. So what can you choose?

#1 – Choose truth.

You know those decisions that make your stomach hurt. The ones that you make because your brain tells you it’s the “right” thing to do, not because it’s what you really want.

Yes. Those decisions.  You probably made one today.

Those decisions are not based on your truth. They are based on some truth outside of yourself, some truth that is based on what everyone else says is “right.” These decisions are not good for you.

Making decisions based on what you really want, what will truly be good for you, are decisions based on your truth. These kind of decisions feel good in your body. These decisions allow you to sleep at night.

Decisions not based on our truth can actually make us sick and definitely interfere with our happiness.

How do we stop making these unhealthy choices? We listen to our bodies.

Next time, when presented with a decision that needs to be made, pause and check how each potential decision makes your body feel. Our bodies will only tell us the truth. If the decision makes you feel slightly nauseous then it’s probably not a good one. If it makes your head hurt, the same. If it makes your heart leap, then that’s it. That’s the healthy decision.

Listen to your body. Unlike your brain, it will never lie to you!

# 2 – Choose love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

And ideally everyone would share their life with that ONE person. The one you curl up with at night and eat cereal with in the morning. The one whose hand you hold on the subway and with whom you binge watch “Sons of Anarchy” at night. You know the person. The one who makes your heart sing.

If you have a person, don’t let them go. And if you don’t, believe that you will. Especially if you are happy.

If you don’t have that person right now you know that you have other people in your life who love you: your sister, your best friend, your neighbor. Make sure that you have contact with someone who loves you every day. In person, on the phone or via text (last choice).

And don’t forget to love yourself. You are awesome. Tell yourself as often as you can. Because you are.

#3 – Choose yourself.

You know how you choose to make everyone else happy first?

You go to that raunchy movie with your kids instead of that historical drama you want to see. Or you visit your mother in law with your husband instead of working in the garden? We all do it. And it undermines our happiness.

Sometimes we do have to put someone else’s needs above our own but, really, it’s important to put ourselves first more often than not. Nobody else is going to take care of us and it’s important that we do so.

If you always put yourself last you will truly come to believe that you are last. Being last will definitely not make you happy. Think back to that fight you had with your husband while driving home from his mother’s house.

Enough said.

#4 – Choose kindness.

Did you know being kind to someone else is one of the best ways to feel happy? Think about the look on that woman’s face when you raced after her to return the wallet that she left in the store. Or the way the barista reacted this morning when, after dealing with customer after customer who had not yet had their coffee, you thanked them with a big smile and a compliment.

Being kind is not hard to do but so many of us forget to be in this crazy, jam packed and exhausting world that we live in. Making that small effort to make someone else happy can go a long way to making you feel happy too.

#5 – Choose to believe.

A key ingredient in being happy is believing that you can be. Really. It’s not an easy thing.

When you are unhappy it’s almost impossible to believe that you ever could be happy.

When you are unhappy and you look ahead you are doing so with that unhappy feeling in your gut. Your future life seems hopeless because you are unhappy right now. But you gotta believe. Believing in anything is the best way to manifest it. Believe that you will get that job and you will. Believe that you will find that love and you will. Believe that you will be happy and you will.

How to believe? Visualize that job. Feel how it will feel to have it. Store that feeling in your body and summon it when you have doubt. The same with love. Picture that perfect someone. Feel how it will feel to be loved by them. Picture yourself happy and do the same.

It really works. Try it and see.

Happiness is a state of mind. A state of being. If you make choices that cause physical pain, that keep you from sleeping, that make you feel hopeless, you will never find it.

Try it. Try putting yourself first, loving yourself and those around you, being kind, being truthful. Believing. What a difference it will make. I promise.

If you’ve made it this far you must really be struggling with how to be happy.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before you get even more stuck.

Email me at, or click here, and let’s get started!