Feeling Depressed with a Newborn Baby? 5 Reasons to Get Help Now

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It ‘ s a scary thing, feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

You had expected this to be the happiest time in your life – you were finally going to be a mother and everything was going to be perfect.

Unfortunately, for some mothers, feeling depressed after giving birth is a reality. And it can be really, really hard.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are two kinds of depression after child birth – the baby blues and postpartum depression.

The baby blues are characterized by:

  • Moodswings
  • Anxiety
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Overwhelm
  • Tears
  • Lack of concentration
  • Poor eating and poor sleeping

Baby blues generally pass in a few weeks.

Postpartum depression is a different thing completely. It is characterized by:

  • Extreme sadness
  • Extreme mood swings
  • Difficulty bonding
  • Withdrawal
  • Loss of appetite
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of energy
  • Hopelessness
  • Inability to focus
  • Thoughts of self-harm

So, how do you know which you are struggling with?

If any of of the things ring true then you might be struggling with postpartum depression.

  • The symptoms don ‘ t fade
  • The symptoms are getting worse
  • You are struggling to take care of your baby
  • You are struggling with everyday tasks

So, ask yourself where you are with your depression? Do you have a baby who is a few days old and you have been feeling sad or are you a few months in and having a hard time functioning? Somewhere in between?

If you have any questions AT ALL, you should talk to your doctor. Seeking help if you are struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby, is very important for many reasons. Here are a few…

#1 – Things are hard enough.

Having a newborn is really, really hard.

When we leave the hospital, no one hands us a manual about being a parent. Sure, we have been told about the sleepless nights, the bleeding nipples, the messy diapers but until we actually experience those things we have no idea.

When we are struggling with depression on top of all of the challenges of having a newborn things can become unmanageable quickly.

The best thing that you can do to survive parenting a newborn is managing your moods. If you are depressed, get help immediately so that you can keep yourself healthy and strong in the short and long term.

#2 – Things can get worse.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe, with how bad you are feeling right now, that things can get worse but, believe me, they can.

Depression, when left untreated, can only get worse. And, as you sink further into despair and are less able to function, you will have a harder and harder time taking care of your baby and managing household tasks.

And when that happens, your depression will just keep getting worse.

So, if you have been feeling depressed for more than a few days, reach out to your doctor so that you can stop that depression in it ‘ s tracks. Postpartum depression, left untreated, can turn into chronic depression which is, let me tell you, not fun.

#3 – There is an end in sight.

If you are feeling depressed with a newborn baby and you get help, there is an end in sight for you.

Fortunately, postpartum depression is very treatable and the sooner that it is treated the better.

Depression, if left untreated, can take on a life of its own and become worse with time. If you talk to your doctor now and start managing your depression, chances are significantly increased that you will get through it and, perhaps, have no further depressive episodes in the future.

#4 – Your family needs you.

Now that you are a mom, everything has changed. You no longer have only yourself to take into consideration. The health of your family is, in many way, paramount and your happiness makes a big difference. ‘ When mommy is happy, family is happy ‘ is a familiar saying that I am guessing you might already know.

Untreated postpartum depression in a mother can have a ripple effect throughout the family. Her partner may be more likely to get depressed or angry or have mood swings.

Furthermore, children of mothers with untreated depression can have issues with emotional development, eating and sleeping disorders and a tendency towards excessive crying. And when your child is struggling, your depression will only get worse.

So, if not for yourself, do it for your family. They need you now, more than ever.

#5 – There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know, I know. You have probably told yourself that you can tough this out. That you have always been strong and that you can get through this sadness without support.

Or perhaps you are telling yourself that you are weak, that a better woman, a better mother, wouldn ‘ t be feeling this way, wouldn ‘ t be angry at her baby and her husband. Perhaps you are feeling ashamed and worthless

But let me tell you, your depression is NOT your fault and it ‘ s NOT something that you can manage by yourself.

Postpartum depression happens because of acute hormone and lifestyle changes. One minute you are happy and pregnant. 24 hours later, after suffering through the most excruciating pain you have EVER experienced, you are home with a newborn and have no idea what to do next. Your hormones are swinging back and forth as your body starts to produce milk and you have no idea whether you will ever sleep again.

There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful, about reaching out for help during this difficult time. As a matter of fact, you will demonstrate your strength as a mother if you do step up and advocate for your mental health. You will be taking care of yourself which will mean, in turn, that you are taking care of your family.

Struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby is not an unusual occurrence.

New mothers are given the double whammy of a huge lifestyle change and fluctuating hormones. Even the strongest mother would struggle managing this (and there isn ‘ t a man alive who could!).

So, for the sake of your family, for the health of your child, to stop things from getting worse and for making your life easier, reach out to your doctor today for help managing your depression.

You have a new baby – life can be grand. And it’s yours for the taking!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal and enjoy your child.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Someone You Love

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Are you trying to let go of someone you love but who you know is really, really bad for you?

Has the person who you love decided he no longer loves you?

Are you sick of craving your ex, ruminating on good memories, trying to figure out personal flaws, catastrophizing about never loving again, seeking information about your ex, and stalking them on social media?

Trying to let go of someone you love is frustrating, emotionally exhausting and feels, at times, fruitless. But understanding why it ‘ s so hard to let go of someone you love can is great way to start down the path to healing.

Because you can heal. Really.

#1 – History.

Believe it or not, the number one reason that it is so hard to let go of someone you love is based on evolutionary theory.

Back in the day, as mankind was evolving and becoming who it is today, a key part of survival was the need for attachment.

In order for people to come together to make babies and to ensure the babies survival, men and women needed to form attachments that were strong – even unbreakable.

And, because of these attachments, mankind has evolved to be the dominant species on earth (which is too bad but that ‘ s another article).

So, basically, the need for attachment, the need to have a person in your life permanently, is literally needed for the survival of the species. And, as much as we have evolved into modern society, our most basic need, for attachment, persists because without it we would become extinct.

#2 – Chemistry.

When we are falling in love, and in love, our brain chemicals actually change.

Falling in love raises your dopamine which means you are happy, ecstatic even, but lowers your serotonin. When your serotonin is lower you feel more anxious, agitated and restless and have a tendency to be obsessive, compulsive and impulsive. Think about when your new love hasn ‘ t texted for a while and you are jittery and wondering where he is and if he still loves you.

As the relationship stabilizes into a secure attachment, dopamine is replaced by more serotonin and oxytocin, both of which combine to make you want to nest and feel calmer.

When we are fully settled and attached, the brain produces oxytocin. This chemical is fed by spending time together, doing chores, having sex etc.

When we are trying to let of love, or when we are being broken up with, when obstacles get in the way of the attachment, even more dopamine is produced because the experiences of romantic love are heightened by diversity, obstacles and uncertainty. This increase in dopamine means the feelings of love get intensified which means we fall deeper in love with our person at the prospect of being left.

Finally, when our person has left and we are all alone, we are left literally craving the chemicals that have been in our body throughout the relationship. Kicking this craving will be like kicking alcohol or tobacco. It will be really hard.

But, like alcohol and tobacco, the longer you stay away from it, the less you will crave it.

This is why it is essential, when trying to let go of someone you love, that you put a permanent and compete distance between you and him. Don ‘ t feed the craving but let it go.

#3 – Internal conflict.

There are three parts of the brain:

  • the brain stem, which is responsible for bodily functions
  • the limbic brain, which regulates emotions and attachments
  • the neocortex, which regulates executive functioning.

The limbic brain and the neocortex have a very difficult time communicating.

You know how you know that a relationship should be over but you just can ‘ t let go because you don ‘ t ‘ ˜feel ‘ like it ‘ s over. This is because the two parts of your brain aren ‘ t communicating.

We stay in a relationship that doesn ‘ t serve us because our logical brain (neocortex) knows that the attachment is unhealthy but the limbic brain NEEDS that attachment to exist and survive.

This internal conflict is something that you can ‘ t control when you first break up but, like with the chemicals, with time the neocortex will prevail.

When we start to take care of ourselves, stay away from the person who gets our limbic brain agitated and use mindfulness to focus on other things, our neocortex gets stronger and finally the two parts of your brain will connect and tell you that, in fact, the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on.

#4 – A decimated self-esteem.

There is nothing more personal than being left by someone you love. No matter what, we are left with feelings that we aren ‘ t good enough. That we are missing some personality trait that makes us unlovable. That no one will ever love us and that the world would be better off without us, losers that we are.

Tise reduced self-esteem is one of the reasons why it is so hard to let go of someone you love. When we feel bad about ourselves we want to reach out to the person who once loved us, to get confirmation that we aren ‘ t all that we think we are, that they left us not because of our limitations but because of some external force.

And that is something we rarely get. We continue to feel bad about ourselves no matter what.

Furthermore, the end of a relationship is like a death – something that was super important to us, that we had such high hopes for, that we had pinned our future on, is gone and we are left mourning that loss.

Unfortunately, in this modern culture, mourning is not okay. Sure, we are allowed to be sad for a while but it doesn ‘ t take long for your friends and family to tell you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ For them to get sick and tired of listening to your pain and want you to get on with your life does not help how you feel about yourself.

Having your feelings belittled and neglected only adds to the feelings of shame. Not only has our love abandoned us but so too our family and friends.

#5 – Lack of answers.

Almost worse than the trauma of being apart from our loved one is the lack of answers. We have been rejected and are confused and we have no idea what happened.

We spend all of our hours wondering what happened. Why did something so promising fall apart? Why did someone we had been married to forever decide to walk away?

Those unanswered questions torment us and, with the decreased serotonin, we become increasing agitated. We seek ‘ ˜closure ‘ which only aggravates our limbic brain and gets us going down the same path that we have been on already.

And, more often than not, there aren ‘ t any answers. ‘ It ‘ s about me, not about you. ‘ “I just need to spend some time alone. ‘ None of these answers will be enough to calm your aching heart.

If you can try to disregard the questions, knowing that you might not get the answers that you seek, then it might help you move on more quickly

I know you are in a lot of pain right now because you have to let go of someone you love.

There might truly be nothing worse than a broken heart. But you can survive it.

Understand that the history of our species makes us want to stay attached, that our chemistry makes withdrawal from an attachment supremely difficult, that our brain ‘ s internal conflict is powerful, that our self-esteem has plummeted and that we are left mostly only with questions. Understanding these things will help you let go of someone you love so that you can get on with your life and meet the guy who you are supposed to be with.

It will happen. Winston Churchill said ‘ ˜If you are going through hell, don ‘ t stop. ‘ Suffer through the pain and you will emerge, like a butterfly, on the other end.

I promise.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling how to let go of someone you love.
Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal.
Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

 

Suddenly Depressed? Why Your Depression Seems To Come Out of Nowhere

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Are you finding yourself suddenly depressed?

Did everything seem just fine and now suddenly you find yourself sad, hopeless and full of despair?

I know feeling depressed is really disheartening but a big part of accepting and managing it is knowing where it comes from.

So, why might you be suddenly depressed?

#1 – Your chemistry is off.

For many people, being suddenly depressed comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain. This kind of depression is known as chemical depression and it ‘ s something that you have no control over and that can sneak up on you.

Chemical imbalances can be caused by many things – trauma, genes, ill health and brain injury. It is not something that is caused by weakness or lack of character nor is it your fault. Many people feel that their depression is a sign of weakness but, if you are chemically depressed, being the strongest person on the planet would make not one bit of difference.

Fortunately, you can treat chemical depression with therapy and/or medication. See your primary care doctor right away if you suspect you might be struggling with chemical depression. He or she can help you get the proper treatment so that you can go back to being happy and hopeful.

#2 – You have been overindulging.

Many people don ‘ t know that not taking care of our bodies and overindulging can lead to depression.

New research is showing the connection between the brain and the stomach and they are discovering that when the stomach is sick, the brain becomes ill.

Have you ever noticed how, if you spend a weekend overindulging on really bad food, or you eat something that doesn ‘ t agree with you, you find yourself feeling not quite yourself. Maybe a little bit more down than usual or flat out depressed? This is most likely because your tummy flora is off and it ‘ s causing a short-term chemical imbalance in your brain which could be affecting your mood.

How about after a night of drinking? Do you find yourself feeling depressed the next day, not wanting to go to work or hang out with your friends? Did you know that drugs and alcohol can both lead to short term depression?

Alcohol is a natural depressant, which is why it chills us out at the end of a long day. But too much alcohol depresses the nervous system and even after we have stopped drinking it stays in our bodies for hours and can cause depression.

It is important that we take care of ourselves every day. Eat right and drink moderately. One thing my doctor recommended was a daily probiotic to help me manage my moods. I know when my tummy is good, my head is good.

#3 – It has been there all along, hiding.

For many of us, depression can sneak up on us. We think that we are fine, fine, fine and then suddenly we are not.

But the reality is that often our depression comes into our lives gradually and we only notice it when it reaches full strength.

Think about the past weeks and months of your life – what has been going on? Have there been life events that might have led gradually to this ‘ ˜sudden ‘ depression?

I know that my spring and summer have been hard. First my dog died and then a friend committed suicide and then my son was in the hospital and then I travelled overseas (which was amazing but exhausting) and then my friend ‘ s mother died and all that time I was taking care of clients.

I was depressed. Did I notice? Nope, not until my therapist pointed it out.

So, take a good hard look at what has been happening in your life. Maybe the depression isn ‘ t so sudden after all.

#4 – It could be the time of year.

Every year many of us are affected by something called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

People who are struggling with SAD are people whose mood changes with the seasons. For many people, SAD happens during the long winter months. The cold weather and limited sunshine can have a debilitating effect on a person ‘ s mental health.

SAD can be hard to recognize and it can progressively get worse as the season goes on. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with SAD. Light therapy is a great way to help with SAD. As is vitamin D. Or a trip to Jamaica

Talk to your doctor about managing your SAD. You will be glad you did.

#5 – You just are.

When we are feeling depressed we tend to cast around for a reason. The sadness is uncomfortable and if we can just find something to explain it then we think we will feel better.

And yes, identifying the cause of depression can be the first step towards managing it. But sometimes there is no cause. Sometimes we are just depressed.

I have a friend who called me last summer, frantic because she had been feeling really blue for a few days. I have known this friend for 20 years and I knew that she was one of those people who was generally pretty steady, mood-wise. So, we both were a bit taken aback by her sadness.

We talked it through, considered her chemistry, what had been happening in her life, if she had been taking care of herself, whether or not she had been blue like this before and guessed it wasn ‘ t SAD. We couldn ‘ t pinpoint a cause so we decided to wait it out a week or so and see what happened.

Fortunately, a few days later she called me and told me the cloud had lifted, that she was feeling more like her old self. Nothing had happened to change anything – she just realized one day that she was feeling better.

The world can be a difficult place and sometimes all it takes is the news or a fight with your boyfriend or a bad grade at school to send us off to a dark place. And when that happens, riding it out can be just the solution.

That being said, depression isn ‘ t something to be taken lightly and if your depression doesn ‘ t clear up in a reasonable time, definitely seek some professional help.

Feeling suddenly depressed can be really scary. Really scary.

But understanding why you might be so can go a long way towards helping you manage your sadness.

Talk to your doctor about your brain chemistry, consider what has been happening in your life recently, make sure you are taking care of yourself and take stock of the weather.

It is important that, if you are depressed, you deal with it right away. Depression that goes untreated will only get worse. So, deal with your depression today!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with depression.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Signs of a Toxic Marriage that Seem Totally Normal

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Are you wondering if you are in a toxic marriage?

Do you look at around at other marriages, feeling like your marriage is just like theirs and yet you wake up every morning unhappy and spend your days wondering what is wrong with you that you are feeling this way?

When we get married, no one gives us a guidebook. There are no step by step instructions as to how to make things work, to be married successfully. Instead we are thrown into something that we have never done before, expected to have all the answers and to live happily ever after.

It ‘ s no surprise that you find yourself in this place, wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but just not really sure.

Let me help. There are signs of a toxic marriage that seem normal but that really are not.

#1 – Contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away.Oh, I deserved that orHe is just crabby orHe was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your husband. Is there contempt? Do one or the other, or both, of you speak to each other sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other ‘ s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner tries to make a point?

The number one sign of a toxic marriage is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

#2 – Fighting.

Fighting in a marriage is totally normal. There is no way that two people can live together for years and years without issues arising that lead to quarreling.

Many women believe that as long as there is no physical assault, any kind of fighting is normal. But that just isn ‘ t true. Fighting that is both regular and extreme, even if there is no phycial violence, is not normal. It is a sign of a toxic marriage.

Do you and your partner fight regularly? Do you fight about everything from the color of the sky to the time it takes to make dinner? Do your fights escalate quickly? Do you attack each other personally? Is there never resolution around these fights, you just retreat to your respective corners and sulk?

If the above describes the way your fights evolve then you are most likely in a toxic marriage. People who not only can ‘ t agree about anything but who treat each other so horribly in a fight are definitely in a marriage that is unhealthy.

#3 – Secrets.

When I was married, there were many secrets that I kept from my husband. I didn ‘ t talk to him about how I felt about him. I didn ‘ t vaccinate my son until he was 5 years old and neglected to tell him. I forgot to pay the cable bill for three months and then acted shocked when it was cut off. I hated the way he wore short sleeve shirts to work in the summer. None of these things I told him.

Furthermore, I spent a TON of time telling my friends the things that I didn ‘ t tell him. They especially knew how brutally unhappy I was with him and they were part of my decision to not vaccinate my kids. In many ways, my friends were a substitute for my husband.

And I thought that this was ok. None of these secrets were a big deal – it wasn ‘ t like I was sneaking around on him. I was keeping these secrets from him, I felt, to protect him, and myself, from the anger and contempt that was existing in our marriage.

Now I know that secrets can kill a marriage. If two people who have chosen to build a life together can ‘ t share with each other the little things, and the big, then their marriage is most certainly toxic. Even if they think they are lying to protect their partner, they are still betraying their partner with their silence.

So, if you aren ‘ t sharing everything with your partner, particularly things that would make him upset if he found out about them, then you are most certainly in a toxic marriage that might be doomed.

#4 – Distance.

When your husband walks in the door would your first instinct be to hug him? If you could choose someone to go to the movies with, would it be your wife? Is the first person you want to tell your good news to the person you go to sleep with every night?

Over time, as marriage evolves, couples become so comfortable with each other that we take each other for granted. Hugs, confidences, and free time are things that aren ‘ t always a part of long marriages.

That being said, if there is a distance between you and your spouse that is more like a chasm, if you never touch each other, never spend free time together and if you would rather die than share anything personal, then you are in a toxic marriage.

People who are in healthy marriages make an effort to be physical with their partner. They genuinely enjoy spending their free time together (mostly) and confide in each other wins and losses in their life.

Consider the distance between you and your spouse. If the Grand Canyon comes to mind then you are most likely in a toxic marriage.

#5 – Silence.

One of the biggest signs of a toxic marriage is silence.

Silence means lack of communication. Silence means grudges are being held and being left unsaid. Silence means that connecting in any meaningful way is impossible.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is when two people can communicate well. Whether its about what is for dinner, what your mother in law did last weekend or the fact that they have pissed you off again, communication is what keeps people connected.

When communication stops, so does any chance for a happy relationship. The silence that is left in it ‘ s place is a petri dish wherein disconnection, anger and resentment can grow. Words go left unsaid and frustrations stew.

When was the last time you and your partner spoke in any meaningful way? When you spend time together is there any kind of communication at all or are you sharing the space in silence? If you and your partner are no longer talking, about anything, including the weather, then you are most likely in a toxic marriage.

Recognizing signs of a toxic marriage is the best way to try to save it before it gets too late.

Do you and your partner treat each other well? Do you disagree about things without fighting? Do you keep secrets or your distance? Have you stopped communicating in any meaningful way?

If any or all of these things are true, you very well might be in a toxic marriage, one you want to either start working on or get out of.

Don’t waste your life in a toxic marriage – life is too short to waste!

Do youwantto know more about whether you are in a toxic marriage?
Let me help you, NOW, so you know sooner rather than later!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

Am I in Love? 5 Ways to Know.

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Have you met a guy? Maybe the guy?

Isn ‘ t romance grand? The long late-night conversations, holding hands as you walk through the park, the butterflies that you feel when you see him. It ‘ s all so wonderful. And scary.

Opening yourself up to someone can be terrifying. Letting down your guard to let a man into your heart makes you tremendously vulnerable. Because of this, many women are hesitant to let themselves fall in love.

(Think every woman ever on The Bachelor – expressing their hesitation to fall and then doing so anyway only to be denied a rose the next night. Ugh.)

So, before you open up to your partner, make good and sure that you are really in love with him.

But how to know?

Here are some signs that will help you figure it out

#1 – You can feel it.

What is love? It is very important to understand the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

I believe that when you are in love with someone, you feel the feelings that you read about in books.

When you see your person, your heart leaps a little bit, you long for their touch, you want to know everything about them, spending time together is lovely, and you care about their hopes and dreams.

But, when you love someone, as opposed to being in love with someone, your feelings are more feelings of friendship.

You feel peaceful and happy being with them and support them in their endeavors but that feeling of your heart leaping, of relishing their physical touch, just isn ‘ t there.

So, how do you feel when you see your person? Does your heart leap or do you just feel peaceful?

It ‘ s an important distinction and one that only you can know.

#2 – Distance can be hard.

When you love someone, watching them walk out the door can be physically painful. You count the minutes, hours or days until you will see them again. When you are reunited it ‘ s like you feel whole again.

It is important, however, to know the difference between obsessive love and being in love. When we are in obsessive love, when we are apart from our lover we cannot function. We are constantly wondering where they are and what they are doing and maybe even stalking them on social media. Our jobs and friendships suffer and the physical pain from the distance is debilitating.

If you love someone in a healthy way, being apart from them is hard but you still live your life as you always have done, waiting anxiously to see him again but also perfectly healthy apart.

And, man, you know that the reunion will be worth the wait ‘ ¦

#3 – You like the good and the bad.

When you are in love you like everything about your person.

You love that they want to spend so much time with you or ask you questions about your day. You are always happy to be with them and love when they touch you. You appreciate the way they open the door for you or give you footrubs at night.

Furthermore, when you are in love with someone you even love the things that you find frustrating.

Perhaps they always leave dirty dishes in the sink or act differently when they are with the guys or forget to buy you flowers on your anniversary. Things that you truly wish could be different.

If you love your person in spite of these things, and perhaps even think they are adorable even while they are bugging you, then you are definitely in love.

My boyfriend has these short sleeve button down shirts that he likes to wear to work in the summer, and white sneakers too. I hate those shoes and shirts but, man, he is the most handsome man I have ever seen every time he walks out the door in the morning. Yes, I am madly in love with this guy.

4. You don ‘ t see any red flags.

If you truly love someone, you aren ‘ t constantly questioning the relationship.

Do you think that you want to be in this relationship but just aren ‘ t sure?

Do you think about whether you are making a mistake in committing to this person?

Do you spend time thinking about other people instead?

Do you find yourself rationalizing your relationship more often than not?

People who are in love are secure in the fact the love is real and equal and that a commitment to it is a smart one.

If there are little red flags that you are ignoring or if you are constantly wondering if this person is enough for you, then you most likely aren ‘ t in love.

5. You are eternally faithful.

Do you find yourself looking at other people and wondering if, for whatever reason, you might be interested in a relationship with them?

Do your friends introduce you to other people who they think might be better for you?

If either of these things is the case, you might not be in love with your man.

People who are in love with their partner don ‘ t go seeking other potential mates. They are perfectly happy with the guy sitting beside them and the prospect of being with someone else is abhorrent.

Furthermore, if you are in love you know that, more than anything, you don ‘ t want to hurt your guy with your wandering eyes or hands. You know that keeping your eyes firmly focused on him is what you want to do every day. And he will love you for it!

Asking yourself Am I in love? is a very important part of taking the next step in a relationship.

If you are in love, then you can open yourself up to your guy and look to move forward in your relationship, knowing that it ‘ s the right thing to do. If you don ‘ t love your guy, let him go. He deserves to find love and don ‘ t waste either of your times pretending you do.

So, if you feel deep emotions for this guy, if you want to be with him always and miss him when he is gone, if you like everything about him, if you have no questions about the relationship and you can be faithful then, mostly likely, you are in love and this is the guy for you.

How fun and how lucky are you!

Do youwantto know more about knowing whether or not you are in love?
Let me help you, NOW, so you know sooner rather than later!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Things You Must Know About Surviving Infidelity PTSD

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Have you recently (or not so recently) discovered that your partner is having an affair and are looking to understand how surviving infidelity PTSD is possible?

Many people are surprised that infidelity can cause PTSD but it is true. Discovering infidelity causes significant trauma, trauma akin to physical or emotional abuse, death of a child or parent or some other life changing occurrence.

Furthermore, the trauma that results from discovering infidelity can also bring up unresolved issues from past trauma, mixing with your present situation, to make the PTSD even worse.

It is very important that, if you are struggling with PTSD, you seek professional help. Unresolved trauma can rear it ‘ s head over and over again. In the meantime, I am going to share with you the signs of PTSD and give you some recommendations about how surviving infidelity PTSD is possible.

#1 – Self-blame.

For many people who suffer from emotional and physical trauma, self-blame is very common and a huge indicator of PTSD.

Do you blame yourself that you partner strayed? Do you think that if you had only been nicer or funnier or skinnier or had more sex with them that they wouldn ‘ t have cheated on you?

Do you chide yourself for being so clueless that you didn ‘ t see the signs, that you missed the fact that your partner was stepping out on you?

Let me tell you, your partner ‘ s infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but it doesn ‘ t happen because of things that you didn ‘ t do. More often than not, infidelity is something that happens not because someone seeks it out but because two people meet and there is an attraction that proves irresistible.

Blame is a double-edged sword but if anyone must be blamed it ‘ s those who couldn ‘ t resist, who proved weak in the face of temptation and who lied to you over and over.

I know it ‘ s hard but work hard to not blame yourself because you are not to blame.

#2 – Unstable emotions and disorientation.

Do you find yourself struggling with a wide range of emotions?

Do you find yourself crying one minute, raging another, way too happy and then back to the tears? Do you find yourself sitting in the car looking out the window only to realize that an hour has passed?

People who struggle with PTSD struggle with unstable emotions and disorientation. The pain that has been caused to them is so extreme that it renders their emotions uncontrollable. Because of the power of these emotions, our brain is overwhelmed and disorientation is the result.

Time will help with emotions that are out of control – they are strongest right after the pain is caused but they dissipate as time goes on. Often times, without help, they don ‘ t go away completely but they can, at the very least, be managed. And when managed, the disorientation will be resolved.

For now, have awareness that the wide range of emotions that you are struggling with are completely natural. Chiding yourself for feeling them, for not staying calm, for being angry with life and at the same so very sad will only make the emotions worse. Accepting them as a part of the healing process will allow them to help you do that – heal.

#3 – Intrusive Thoughts.

Do you find yourself obsessing over and over with the images of your partner committing infidelity? Do you regularly chide yourself for missing the signs? Do you question your self-worth and wonder if you are worthy of love? Do you spend more time in your head than you do in the now, living your life?

Unfortunately, our powerful brain – the thing that distinguishes us from every other animal in the world – can also be our worst enemy. Our brain loves to run negative tapes over and over, tapes that serve to reinforce all of the bad thoughts that we have about ourselves, our loved one and our lives.

These negative thoughts don ‘ t serve us in any way and can actually make healing more difficult.

There are ways to deal with these intrusive thoughts. The first it to start having awareness that the thoughts are just that, intrusive and not necessarily productive. Next, accept that the thoughts are not serving you but that they should not be chased away. Let these thoughts float through your head and don ‘ t try to analyze them or give them any power. And then let them go.

It ‘ s also important to remember that the thoughts will probably come back and that you will have to practice this awareness over and over. Ultimately, with time, those intrusive thoughts will dissipate.

Another useful tool for reducing the power of intrusive thought is by doing something that will occupy your brain. Yoga and meditation are excellent tools for managing intrusive thoughts but reading, TV and sleep also work. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break from those thoughts, even for a little while, will help you manage them and reduce their effect on you.

#4 – Trust issues.

Many people who are trying to understand surviving infidelity PTSD find that they have developed significant trust issues.

When the person who we love the most, on whom we have put all of our hopes and dreams, who we trust more than anyone else, betrays us then our place in the world is profoundly affected. Instead of believing in the best in people we are instead left believing that people are ultimately evil and that trusting ourselves and our emotions to anyone will only cause us pain.

It is important, when your partner has been unfaithful, that you spend as much time as possible with those who love you and those you can trust. One person has betrayed your trust, not everyone, and being reminded of that regularly will help restore your faith in people.

With time, and help, you will learn that trusting people is possible and that even that person who betrayed your trust might be worthy of it again.

#5 – Hopelessness.

Are you struggling with the belief that nothing will ever be the same again? That happiness will be forever out of reach, that you will never love again and that life can not possibly go on?

It is important that you understand the nature of hopelessness around PTSD. A key part of PTSD is depression and, when we are depressed, the belief that anything will ever be okay again is inconceivable. When we are depressed we are simply incapable of believing that life will get better.

But, let me promise you that, with time and treatment, the feeling of depression and hopelessness will fade. Life does go on, you will love again and that happiness will once again be yours.

Again, spending time with people who love you is an excellent way to manage the hopelessness. You might not believe them in the moment but having people remind you that you will get through this and that life will go on is an essential part of the healing process.

Surviving infidelity PTSD is not only possible but probable with time, treatment and awareness.

Again, getting professional treatment for your PTSD is essential. Talk to your primary care physician right away and they can help you access the treatment that you need.

Having awareness of your PTSD symptoms, the self-blame, the uncontrollable emotions, the intrusive thoughts, the trust issues and the hopelessness, will help you manage them. Understanding and accepting that they are a natural occurence in the face of infidelity will help you process them and help you heal.

And time is the ultimate healer. I know it ‘ s hard to believe it now but, as time goes on, you will feel better. Life will be worth living again. The pain might not be gone but it will be less and it will be manageable.

For now, keep your head up, believe that the future is there, accept where you are right now and get some help.

You will get through this, I promise.

Do youwantto know more about surviving infidelity PTSD?
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship – Red Flags that You Shouldn’t Ignore

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Are you looking for warning signs of a toxic relationship because you are wondering if you are in one yourself?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can recognize whether yours is one and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – Contempt

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the biggest, red flags is the presence of contempt in a relationship.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Do one or the other, or both, of you speak to each other sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other ‘ s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner tries to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how you and your partner treat each other. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then your relationship is most likely a toxic one.

#2 – Obsession

Many of my clients who are in toxic relationships (and there are many) struggle with obsession over their partners.

They want their partners to be in constant contact. They stress out when texting habits change in any way. They give up everything in their life to be with their person. They twist themselves into pretzels to please the other.

Healthy relationships are based on the mutual ability to respect and trust each other. If one party is obsessed with the other partner, if they rearrange their life so that they can always be available for their partner, then the relationship isn ‘ t balanced or healthy. And obsession is toxic – an unhealthy attachment to someone can cause nothing but pain.

So, if either partner in your relationship is obsessed with the other, then your relationship might very well be toxic and it might be time to make change.

#3 – Unkind words

Do you or your partner lash out at each other verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If either you or your partner are repeatedly raising your voices and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you might be in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Physical Pain

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of a toxic relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner is hurting you, or you are hurting your partner, causing each other physical pain, then you are definitely in a toxic relationship.

#5 – Possessiveness

One big indicator of a toxic relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, your relationship might be toxic and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#6 – Mixed Messages

Another hard-to-spot indicator of a toxic relationship is mixed messages.

Mixed messages are messages that go one way and then another. Perhaps your person says that they are done with you and then reach back out to be with you again. Over and over. Or perhaps your person says they love you in that red dress but then make fun of you to their friends. Perhaps they tell you they love you and then treat you horribly.

Mixed messages are incredibly difficult and confusing. Many women hold on tight to the positive things said and let go of the negative, thereby justifying why they want to stay in the relationship.

But, in fact, someone who gives you mixed messages is someone who truly isn ‘ t that into you, someone who, if you stay involved with, will only cause you sadness and pain.

In a healthy relationship two people love each other without exception. Sure things can get topsy turvy sometimes, but still the mutual respect and admiration is present. No one makes the other feel bad with flip-flopping feelings and yo-yoing behaviors.

Is your relationship affected by mixed messages? If it is then you very definitely might be in a toxic relationship!

Knowing the warning signs of a toxic relationship is a very important part of a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the obsession, the unkind words, the physical pain, the possessiveness and the mixed messages – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Do youwantto know more about how to recognized toxic relationships?
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

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