Can You Be Happy Being Alone? Absolutely!

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After reading my last blog, a client of mine asked me ‘ ˜can you be happy being alone? ‘ I asked her ‘ ˜what do you think? ‘ This client has been alone for almost 10 years so if I trusted anyone on this topic it was her!

After about 5 seconds thought she responded ‘ ˜hell yes. ‘

My client and I talked about why and here is what she said.

#1 – You only have yourself to take care of.

One of the best parts about being alone is that the only person you have to take care of is you.

I know that for the years that I lived by myself I had a lot of extra time in my day because I was only cooking (or not!), cleaning and planning for myself. Now that I am with someone else, I spend a good portion of my day taking care of him and his needs. And I love him and don ‘ t mind doing this but I must admit that some days I wish I didn ‘ t have to.

Imagine if your everyday was full of doing only what you wanted to do, taking care of only yourself, cooking (or not), watching whatever TV you want to watch, going to bed on your own schedule and not picking up anyone else ‘ s clothes.

How amazing would that feel?

#2 – You don ‘ t have to compromise.

Now, don ‘ t get me wrong. The willingness to compromise is important in every relationship. However, in some relationships, we can sometimes compromise too much.

I know that when my client was married, she lived her life for what her husband wanted and needed. He wanted her to quit a job that she loved, so she did. He wanted to move to another town, even though she loved their current house, but she agreed nonetheless.

He insisted they have dinner with his family on Sundays, in spite of the fact that her family was around on Sunday nights as well.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, her ex compromised too, I am sure, but she had to bend over backwards most days to make him happy.

Imagine that, not having to negotiate with someone else around something that you want or don ‘ t want to do. Living your own life on your own terms.

How amazing would that be?

#3 – You won ‘ t suffer those daily little hurts.

One of the hardest things about relationships, both good and bad ones, is what I call the 1000 little cuts, those little tiny cuts that occur over the course of a relationship, cuts that undermine the strength of the relationship and, sometimes, lead to it ‘ s collapse.

What kind of little cuts? Not coming home on time, leaving underwear on the floor, lying about how much beer you had with your buddies, spending more money at the dress shop then planned, farting without apologizing, not walking the dog at the right time, slurping your coffee, snoring etc. You get the picture.

One of the nice things about being alone is that you aren ‘ t subjected to those little daily pains, the ones that make you feel so bad about yourself and so bad about your relationship.

When I was alone, I remember distinctly how much better I felt at the end of the day because no one had caused me pain that day. My dog was curled up next to me, and he only loved me. I felt pretty good about myself, I have to say.

#4 – You can get good love elsewhere.

This is one point that my client made that I hadn ‘ t really thought of before.

When you aren ‘ t in a relationship, love is accessible anywhere. While romantic love is lovely, you can find love in both usual and unusual places.

First and foremost, you have steadfast and strong love from your friends and family. You know that they will be there for you through thick and thin and that you will always have someone to cry with or go to the movies with or spend the holidays with. No matter what.

There are also other ways to find love. A big source of love is volunteering. There is nothing better than working with people or animals who need love and support for bringing more love into your life. When I was first single, I volunteered at a food shelter once a week and when I went home I felt like a million bucks.

Another way to get unconditional love is with a pet. It might sound like a cliché but it ‘ s true. How many single women do you know who have a pet? They might call us crazy cat ladies but the joke is on them because we are happy crazy cat ladies!

So, know that, if you are single, you can get love in all sorts of places and, yes, you can be happy being alone.

#5 – You are free to be you.

The most amazing part of being alone is that you are totally free to be who you want to be.

Of course, being in a partnership can be wonderful but, whether you are happy or not, because you are part of a twosome you are sometimes limited in your choices of who you can be in the world.

After my husband and I got divorced I decided that I was sick of living in the country. I sold my 3000 square foot house in Vermont and moved to a 200 square foot apartment in NYC. I started a life coach business, became a mental health advocate and I no longer had to shovel snow because my doormen did it!

If you are alone, the sky is the limit for who you want to be in the world.

Yes, you absolutely can be happily being alone.

I know that in this modern world being a part of a pair seems imperative but more and more people are realizing that it ‘ s not. Being alone gives you options, you can be selfish and giving and your daily life can be happier and you can be truly who you want to be.

My client was a housewife and a mother before she got divorced and now she is an accountant and a stock trader. She owns her own house, has two amazing girls (and three grandchildren) and she is happy as a clam. She occasionally dates but then realizes that, for her, it doesn ‘ t make her feel good so she stops and goes back to her very happy life!

You can be happy being alone too. Truly.

Are you wondering if you could every be happy alone?
Let me help, NOW, so you can see that it is possible!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

 

How Letting Go Of A Toxic Relationship Can Save Your Life

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Are you struggling with letting of a toxic relationship and are you looking for another reason to do so?

Leaving any relationship, even a toxic one, is very difficult. Our friends and family encourage us to do so, and perhaps we recognize that we should, but sometimes it ‘ s hard to take that final step. We cast about for reasons, hoping there will be one that is the final nail in the coffin, the thing that gives us the strength to leave.

Well, how about I give you 5 of them. 5 reasons why letting go of a toxic relationship can save your life.

#1 – Your body will get strong.

Did you know that the day in day out stress of a toxic relationship can take a huge toll on your body?

Have you noticed that your head aches a lot, your tummy is often hurts, that you have pains in your shoulders or your back that you don ‘ t remember having before?

Being in a toxic relationship can have a significant effect on our physical health. The everyday stress caused by the bad relationship is so damaging to our systems because we never have a break from it. Even when we aren ‘ t with our partner, our minds are preoccupied with the relationship and our bodies are holding the pain.

Imagine if you woke up in the morning, feeling strong, your head clear, your stomach ready for a big breakfast, ready and willing to take on the world. How amazing would that be?

Letting go of a toxic relationship can give you physical strength, strength that just might save your life.

#2 – Your mind will heal.

Do spend much, or all, of your time struggling with worries about your life and your relationship? Do you struggle with feelings of hopelessness and dread? Do you wonder if it will ever be possible to be happy again?

If those words describe you at all then you could very well be struggling with anxiety and depression, two things that have the power to rock your world and not in a good way.

People who live with anxiety are plagued with worries about what is, what was and what could be. They obsess about all the things that are wrong with their life and their relationship and this makes it hard to focus on anything else.

People who live with depression are constantly plagued with feelings of hopelessness and dread. They struggle with how horrible their lives are every day and they can ‘ t believe that things could ever be different.

If you are struggling with anxiety and/or depression, struggles that you didn ‘ t have before your present relationship, then letting of a toxic relationship is the very best thing that you can do for you mental health and it just might save your life.

#3 – You will have yourself back.

Do you look in the mirror some days and wonder who that person looking back at you is?

Have your months or years being in a toxic relationship sucked the life out of you?

Are you struggling to believe in yourself, in your ability to make it on your own?

Many people who are in a toxic relationship have been worn down by the anger and the sadness and the unkind words, worn down to the point where their self-confidence is shattered and they no longer believe in themselves.

Imagine no longer feeling that way. Imagine no longer being that person who has been worn down so much that they don ‘ t believe they are worthy. Imagine, instead, being a person who is full of self-confidence, who looks at themselves in the mirror and sees someone they know is worthy, worthy of life and love and happiness.

How good would that feel?

#4 – You will renew connections.

Many people who are in toxic relationships find that, one by one, their connections fall away.

This happens for two reasons. The first is that, often, people who are in toxic relationships are forced to cut off contact with those who care about them because their partner feels threatened and is possessive. Instead of having friends and family to turn to, they find themselves alienated and alone.

What also happens is that we lose friends and family because they get sick of us making the same mistakes over and over, of listening to us complain and not make change, of watching us destroy our lives, one day at a time, over someone who makes us miserable. Slowly, one by one, they move away from us until we find ourselves alone.

Imagine a life that is full of love and connection. A life full of friends and family and happiness in shared experiences. A life where we wake up every day, eager for new experiences and lots of laughter.

Letting go of a toxic relationship so that you can regain your friends and family just might very well save your life because a life without love and connection is a very unhealthy one indeed.

#5 – You will find love again.

One thing that I can promise you is that, no matter what, if you stay in your toxic relationship you will not find love again.

Out there waiting for you, somewhere, is a person who will treat you well, who will make you feel important, who will love you and cherish you and with whom you will truly be happy.

Staying in this relationship, a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you, will only ensure that you will stay miserable and you will never have a chance to have the big love that you have always wanted.

And the presence, or absence, of love in our life is one of the most important keys to keeping us healthy and making life worth living.

Letting go of a toxic relationship can be incredibly difficult.

We hold on to the person who we hope they can be or because of how things were in the beginning or because of the belief that we don ‘ t want give up. Ironically, thinking all of those things, is only hurting us.

Imagine a life where you feel physically healthy, your mind is clear, you feel good about yourself and you are surrounded by love and joy.

You can have that – if you are willing to let go of a relationship that is sucking the life out of you every day.

You can do it! I know you can!

Is holding onto toxic love keeping you from finding your true love?
Let me help, NOW, before too much time goes by!
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5 Surprising Things That Can Hurt a Healthy Relationship

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Unless you have been living in some kind of fairy tale, you know that there are things that can hurt a healthy relationship, things that you want to avoid so you can stay in one.

When we fall in love it ‘ s all fireworks and roses. You believe that you have the love of your life and that you will live happily ever after. And I am not saying that you can ‘ t live happily ever after but I am saying that it can be difficult.

Many relationships fall apart because of the 1000 little cuts, those every day instances that cause the other person pain. They seem like small things but, taken together, they can be very damaging.

Many causes of the damage are obvious: treating each other with contempt, leaving your underwear on the bathroom floor, not taking out the garbage when prompted to, abstaining from sex, etc.

But there are other small things that people do often, things that might not be so obvious but are very important.

#1 – Hiding things.

Lying by omission means lying by omitting something from a conversation. For example, when asked why you are late coming home, you say that you stopped at the bar for a drink but you omit that you were there with a friend she doesn ‘ t like. You know she will be upset and you don ‘ t want to hurt her or cause any drama.

Have you ever lied to your person because you want to protect them? Have you ever thought that what they might not know might not hurt them? Have you ever purposely not disclosed something because you are scared of the emotional drama that might follow?

There are two reasons why lying by omission is a thing. The first is that you are keeping something from your partner and that is a lie and that will only pave the ways for more lies. And if you are lying to your partner you are demonstrating that you might not love and respect them and your relationship might be hurting.

The other issue is that if you are every caught in one of your lies, your partner will lose trust in you and going forward might be suspicious of everything you tell them. How much would that suck?

So, be honest. Always.

#2 – No follow through.

This one might be a little bit more obvious but it ‘ s one very important things that can hurt a healthy relationship.

Do you and your partner ever agree to do something and then one or the other of you don ‘ t follow through? Do you not follow through because you didn ‘ t really want to do it or because you forgot or because time didn ‘ t allow? Do you try to sweep it under the rug and either lie about it or make excuses?

Not following through with something, without explanation, is a sign of contempt. That you just don ‘ t do something for whatever personal reason and you don ‘ t talk to your partner about the why and how you will sow the seeds of substantial disrespect.

My man and I used to have this problem all the time and then we finally talked about it. What we learned is that, when we make a plan, I assume that it ‘ s a done deal and he assumes that we are still going to talk about it. That is just how we both have operated before our relationship. We realized that we needed to be clear about our plan – did we decide to do it and then it would be done or is more discussion necessary? Knowing these things has made following up much easier for both of us.

#3 – Ignoring the important stuff.

I had a boyfriend once who hated how hard I slammed the door of his truck. I didn ‘ t know that I was slamming it – I just thought I was closing it like I closed any car door. But I guess I was closing it too hard and he didn ‘ t like it.

Of course, I thought that he was ridiculous – this was a big huge truck and, really, how could little old me cause it any damage. We fought about it all the time.

What I have realized, in retrospect, is that me not closing the truck door with such force made him feel ignored and disrespected. He loved that truck and wanted to take care of it and he felt like my slamming the door was going to harm it.

I pushed back every time but instead I wished I would have recognized that this was important to him and done everything I could to try to remember to close it more softly. That would have been respecting what was important to him and that might have made a big difference in our relationship.

Is there something that your partner does that they love but seems absolutely ridiculous to you? If there is, accepting it instead of pushing back on it could make a huge difference for your relationship.

#4 – Changing.

One of the most difficult things, for me, about my ex was that he was a different person in different situations.

When he was with me he was wonderful, open, honest and kind. When he was with his family and his friends he was a totally different person. He laser focused on people and then talked about them behind their back. He said things that were patently untrue to make them like him more. He chose not to talk to me but instead to mingle with everyone. He was always the last one to leave a party, no matter what I wanted, because he didn ‘ t want anyone to think he wasn ‘ t cool.

Are you the kind of person who is a chameleon in your life? Do you act differently in social situations and perhaps treat your partner differently as well?

Doing this is one of the major things that can hurt a healthy relationship. So, pay attention to how you are in social situations and do your best to change your behaviors.

#5 – TV cheating.

This is a new one but a biggie.

In this era of binge watching TV shows, cheating on your partner by watching ahead is not ok! Period.

I had a partner with whom I was watching Sons of Anarchy. I told him it was very important to me that he not watch it without me because I wanted to share the excitement of it all.

And then I went away for a week. And what did he do? He watched it all.

I told him how upset I was about it but I truly never got over it. I wanted to share this show with him and that he disregarded my feelings was a huge thing.

I know it seems silly but, for whatever reason, it ‘ s not.

So, don ‘ t underestimate the importance of not watching ahead on you and your partner ‘ s favorite shows. It could be the end of your relationship if you do.

Understanding what things can hurt a healthy relationship is a proactive way to keep it happy.

The 1000 little cuts can make a difference in the health of relationships probably more than overt things like leaving your underwear on the floor.

So, pay attention. Don ‘ t lie, follow through, respect what is important, be consistent and make sure you are careful with your TV watching. You will be glad you did!

 

 

Do you want to know more about whether you are a healthy relationship?

Let me help you, NOW, so you know sooner rather than later
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5 Ways to Make Your Woman Feel Loved

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Have you finally found THE ONE and are you looking for ways to make your woman feel loved?

Are you worried that you are just a clumsy guy who doesn ‘ t get women at all and that if you don ‘ t do some research you just might lose her?

Unfortunately, as the old title says, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men and women are so fundamentally different that sometimes it hard to imagine how any relationship can ever work.

I am here to tell you that you can be in a successful relationship. I am. And here is what my guy does to make me feel love every day.

#1 – Be honest.

So, tell me the truth. How many times have you told your woman a lie to protect her, to keep her from getting hurt? How many times have you figured that what your woman knows doesn ‘ t hurt her?

I have a friend who, when he dates a woman and then doesn’t want to see her again, he doesn ‘ t tell her. When she reaches out he responds but curtly. When she wants to do something, he vaguely makes an excuse. He is waiting for her to walk away from him. Why? So he doesn ‘ t ‘ ˜hurt her. ‘

What men don ‘ t understand is that women are stronger than men think they are. So many of my clients tell me that if their guy would just tell them the truth then they would be able to make a decision about whether to fish or cut bait instead of having to sit around, wondering at his behavior.

So, if you have done something that you know might upset your woman, tell her! If you are going to work late, tell her, even if you think it will upset her. It will upset her more if, when dinner is on the table, she gets a text from you saying that you wont be home.

Be proactive. I promise that one of the most effective ways to make your women feel loved is to respect her strength and be honest with her, even if you are scared of how she might react.

AND, know that if you try to keep a secret from your woman it will, eventually, come out. And when it does, her trust in you will be violated and good luck coming back from that one.

#2 – Make time.

I know, I know. Life is busy. There is work and friends and sports and mothers and kids and pets and chores and they all take up a lot of time.

That being said, while all of those things are important, the most important thing is right in front of you – your woman. Imagine if you didn ‘ t have her. What would you do then?

When your golf game needs some work, you practice more often. If a project at work is particularly challenging, you stay late to get it done right. So, how come so many men don ‘ t put the time into their relationship to keep it a happy one?

Spending time with your woman doesn ‘ t mean not paying attention to the other things in your life but it does mean making her a priority.

I have a client who plays golf every weekend, with his wife ‘ s permission. When he reached out to me he was feeling some distance from her and he wasn ‘ t sure why. I suggested that he not play golf one Saturday a month and make that a Saturday just for them.

What happened? His wife was thrilled to spend more time with him and she felt special because she knew that he was giving up time doing something he loved for her. Her distance immediately disappeared and they have a lot of fun on those Saturdays.

So, make your woman a priority. I promise you will make her feel loved.

#3 – Use your words.

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have asked a client if they tell their partner how much they love them, how much they appreciate them, how beautiful they are.

What do my clients usually say? I don ‘ t have to tell her. She already knows.

I can promise you that, even if your woman knows that you love her, she wants to hear it from you. Why? Because every woman (and most men) like to be told the how, and why, they are special to you.

Today my beau and I were discussing how he didn’t have many habits that bugged me. Sure, he leaves his OJ class on the counter every morning and his truck is so old that it ‘ s often not reliable but I realized that none of those things matter because he tells me he loves me all the time. Clearly telling me how much he cares about me gets him out of a whole lot of trouble every day and makes our relationship stronger.

#4 – Don ‘ t be scared.

Funny story. Last week a client of mine ‘ s wife got out of bed in the middle of the night and stubbed her toe on the treadmill that he got her for her birthday. She immediately started ranting about the stupid treadmill and how frustrated she was at work and how she didn ‘ t want her mother to come over the next day. My client was stumped by her behavior.

As a woman, I can tell you what the reality was. What happened is his wife was in pain after stubbing her toe and she needed to put some words to that pain. Those things weren ‘ t actually a problem for her but they were on her mind and the pain made them worse

Don ‘ t be scared of your woman ‘ s emotions. Woman do have emotions and women are way more likely than men to display those emotions. Her emotions might seem big and unmanageable to you and you might do everything that you can possibly do to avoid them being on display.

I can promise you that, if you don ‘ t let your fear of her emotions drive you but instead you seek to understand that they are real, and definitely ok, you will make her feel loved. She will know that you see her and that you trust her and that you understand and respect her feelings.

I know it might seem hard to believe, but life and love will go on if your wife has a big cry at the end of a long day.

#5 – Listen.

There is a popular YouTube video about a woman who is telling her partner that she is really struggling with headaches and pressure and that she doesn ‘ t know what to do. The camera pans left and we see that she has a nail coming out of her forehead. The camera pans to the man who tries to point out the nail and suggests that removing it might ease the pressure. She gets mad because he is always trying to fix her when she just wants him to listen. When he does just that, she calms down and kisses him, or tries to. It ‘ s hard with the nail in her forehead.

The #1 issue that I hear from women is that when they are trying to express how they feel to their man, that man doesn ‘ t acknowledge her feelings but instead tries to get to the root cause and fix them. Women don ‘ t want this.

Women want to be seen and heard and not fixed. If you can take away one thing from this article let it be this one. Next time our woman is distressed, sit there, listen, acknowledge what she says and be empathetic. DON ‘ T try to fix her!

It’s way easier than you might think to make your woman feel loved.

Unfortunately, in so many ways, men and women struggle to understand what each other needs and so they stab around in the dark, trying to do the best that they can.

Well, here I am, a woman and a life coach, telling you what you can do to make your woman feel loved. Be honest with her, make time, talk to her, don’t be frightened of her emotions and don’t try to fix her!

 

If you can do these 5 things you will make great inroads into making your woman feel loved. You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be looking for ways to make your woman feel loved.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it’s too late. Email me at [email protected], or visit my contact page and let’s get started!

How To Manage Feeling Depressed After A Breakup

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Are you feeling depressed after a breakup?

Were you in a relationship that end recently and, whether you wanted it or not, do you find yourself alone now and feeling depressed, hopeless that you will never be happy again?

Let me tell you that you aren ‘ t alone – that there are many women out there RIGHT NOW feeling the way you do. And the good news – you will all feel better soon. I promise!

How? Let me share what I know ‘ ¦.

#1 – Know that your feelings are normal.

You have just broken up with someone you once were deeply connected to. The hopes and dreams that you had for the future have been completely dashed. You are spending time alone that you used to spend with him. Your life is totally different and, honestly, not so great.

You are going to be sad. You are going to be devastated. And it ‘ s okay.

I remember, less than 12 hours after my mother died, my step-father was telling himself to snap out of it, to not be sad. He couldn ‘ t handle the pain that he was feeling. So, he stuffed it down. And, 4 years later, he is still overwhelmed by his loss.

It is important to be okay with the emotions that you are feeling. It isn ‘ t a reflection of any weakness on your part. It ‘ s a reflection of the pain that you are feeling. And it is important that you feel those feelings. That you feel the pain and the sadness and the regret and whatever emotions arise as a result of the break up.

Only by truly feeling and processing emotions are you able to work through them and let them go.

So, embrace your emotions. Own them as your own. Process them and let them go. If you do so, you will be able to let go feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#2 – Put yourself first.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s so hard to get over feeling depressed after a breakup is because when we are feeling depressed we stop taking care of ourselves.

Are you spending large amounts of time in your pjs, eating ice cream? When you do go out are you drinking more than usual? Are you not sleeping? Have you gotten any kind of exercise in recent memory?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions then you are not alone. I don ‘ t know many women who doesn ‘ t treat emotional issues with ice cream instead of marathons. So, don ‘ t feel bad but do try to make some change.

If you can ‘ t sleep, take some melatonin to help you get some. If you are eating ice cream, try to eat just a little bit less. Try to get off the couch and take a walk.

Taking care of yourself in this rough time is an essential piece of getting over feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#3- Embrace things that bring you joy.

I am someone who struggles with depression every day and one of the key things that I do when I am depressed is make sure that I do things that I know make me happy on good days.

What kind of things? I watch movies. I eat Pad Thai. I have sex. I spend time with my kids.

There is factual evidence that doing things that make you happy, that make you smile, actually help to alleviate depression. The actual act of smiling has been proven to change the chemicals firing in your brain, the ones that are causing the depression.

So, what makes you happy? I know that you are feeling depressed and the idea of doing ANYTHING is too much to bear but get up off the couch and do JUST ONE THING that you enjoy doing. See what happens.

#4 – No stalking.

For some reason, when we are going through a break-up, we can ‘ t resist the temptation to stalk our guy on social media. The temptation to see what he is up to, who he is hanging out with, who he might be seeing is just too much to resist.

When you do it, does it make you feel better? I didn ‘ t think so.

One of the most important parts of getting over feeling depressed after a breakup is to remove yourself completely from anything to do with your ex. Block him on your phone. Disconnect from him on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Don ‘ t talk to your friends about what he is doing.

Instead, pretend like he just doesn ‘ t exist. Pretend that he is a guy you used to know who has disappeared off the face of the earth. The less you think and know about your ex, the easier it will be for you to get over him.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up.

I know. I know. The prospect of getting back into another relationship is the last thing that you want to do. To give of yourself to someone else when you still have love for another person.

And that is fair. But it ‘ s also important that you don ‘ t stop living your life. You only have one life and it ‘ s short.

So, if someone from work invites you out for a drink, do it! Go to the movies with friends. If you are invited to a party, go to it. Put yourself back out in the world and into the path of love. You will meet new people, have new experiences and maybe find yourself another person to call your own.

If you stay home, on the couch, watching The Bachelor, eating ice cream you might feel safe and less vulnerable, but you will also stay depressed because you have stopped living your life and you just won ‘ t feel good about yourself.

Put yourself out there. Live your life. You will be glad you did.

Feeling depressed after a breakup is horrible feeling.

What we want more than anything is to move on and stop the pain NOW.

Unfortunately, it most often isn ‘ t possible because grief, and the depression that accompanies it, is usually the first part of the healing process. Luckily, grief is only the first step and that there is hope for your future.

So, embrace your grief, feel it and release it. Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, stay off social media and get yourself out there.

When you are ready, sooner than later I hope, you can let go of your love and reach out for a new one – yourself.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

 

Can You Let Go Of Love And Still Find Happiness?

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Are you thinking about getting out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you and are you wondering if you can let of love and still find happiness?

It ‘ s a scary thing – letting go of someone. You have invested so much time and energy into the relationship and letting go feels like quitting. There is the intense fear that you will never find love again and the prospect of being alone is petrifying.

But I am here to tell you that you can let go of love and still find happiness.

I did.

8 years ago, I got divorced. I was 46 years old and I had been married for 18 years. I was so scared of my unknown future and wondered if I could find happiness. Here is my story.

#1 – No more thousand little cuts.

One of the first things that I discovered after my husband moved out what how much happier I was on a daily basis.

Every day of my marriage involved some kind of misery. Whether it be him having his 3rddrink after dinner and becoming crabby or me jumping on him for leaving his clothes on the floor AGAIN, we were making each other miserable every single day.

Once I was living alone that stopped happening. I would wake up in the morning and go through a day that wasn ‘ t mired with a thousand little cuts. When I crawled into bed I wasn ‘ t angry and bitter but content with how my day had gone.

And, I would get a good night sleep because no one was next to me snoring.

So, at the very least, know that your daily life will improve if you are no longer in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

#2 – No more being a pretzel.

When I was in my miserable relationship I found myself twisting myself into someone who I wasn ‘ t, hoping to make us happier and keep us married. These contortions made me feel inauthentic and damaged my self-esteem.

Have you ever found yourself putting up with behavior that is not okay just to keep the peace? Do you bend over backwards to do things that will make him happy? Have you given up friends in an attempt to save your relationship?

Twisting ourselves into a pretzel for someone else is not a healthy thing. In order to maintain our sense of self-worth it is important that we do things that make us feel good about ourselves and our place in the world.

When my husband was gone, I was free to truly be myself and, man oh man, did that make me happy.

#3 – Living your own authentic life.

When I was married, I was a wife and a mother. My every day was filled with mundane tasks like keeping the house clean and making dinner. I defined myself as such and it kept me from living my own life.

After my divorce all of that changed. I finally had the freedom to do everything that I had always wanted to do.

I went back to school and got certified as a life coach and I started my own life coaching business, making a difference in the world. I volunteered at the National Alliance of Mental Illness, helping people living with mental illness. I worked at a food bank and volunteered at a hospital.

Every day I woke up and my day was what I wanted it be. And as a result, I started feeling really good about myself. No longer was I being the subject of daily pain or struggling with not being myself. My self-esteem went through the roof and I started to realize that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

How good would it feel to have your life be what you want it to be every day?

#4 – Having grand adventures.

One of the best parts of being alone, for me, was the opportunity to have amazing new life experiences, ones that were so different from those I had had during the time I was married.

I climbed Mt Katahdin in Maine and hiked for 15 days in Peru. I take my kids to the Caribbean every year for Christmas and have 5 glorious, cell phone free days with them.

I started dating and had amazing non-marriage sex and met a bunch of great guys, many of whom I am still friends with.

I sold my big house in Vermont and moved into a 200 sq foot apartment in NYC where every day was an adventure.

I was 46 years old and I was authentically living my life again. I felt truly alive and was getting to know myself in a way that I never had before. What a gift.

#5 – Finding true love.

I spent 6 years dating after my divorce. I enjoyed almost every date (but did walk out on one) and had many amazing boyfriends. One took me hiking in Moab. I road-tripped with one to Telluride and with another to help hurricane victims in Louisiana. I capsized a sailboat with one of my favorite guys on Lake Champlain and later test drove $80,000 Audis just for fun.

But, the best guy I met, on Match.com, was a person who has become one of my closest friends and the person who introduced me to the love of my life.

I was brutally unhappy in my marriage but determined to stick it out because I didn ‘ t want to get divorced and, when it ended, I was devastated. But, if it hadn ‘ t ended, I wouldn ‘ t be living the glorious life that I am with a man who loves and values me, who doesn ‘ t cause me little bits of pain every day, who I laugh and have adventures with and who knows who he is and loves who we are.

I want to assure you that, if you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you, you will find love again. I can also promise you that, if you stay with this person who is making you miserable, you definitely won ‘ t.

I hope that my story has answered whether you can you let go of love and still find happiness.

I have this little game I play when standing in line at the grocery store. I look at the faces of the women in line and try to judge, based on their facial expressions, those women who are in an unhappy relationship and those who aren ‘ t. It ‘ s very easy to tell, believe it or not, especially now that I look in the mirror every day and know what a happy woman looks like.

So, believe that you can find happiness if you are strong enough to walk away from a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I am living proof and you can be too!

Go for it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Mistakes that People Make After A Breakup

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There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup.

The pain and change that happens quickly after a breakup often throws people off balance so that they do things that they might not otherwise do.

And those mistakes can cause huge problems both with your ex and your self-esteem.

Trying not to make them will allow the healing to start sooner so that you can get on with your life and be happy.

What kind of mistakes?

#1 – Seeking closure.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make after a breakup is that they seek ‘ ˜closure. ‘

While ‘ ˜closure ‘ can be explained away as a final chance to talk about what happened and leave on good terms, really, closure is really just one more chance to spend time with your soon-to-be-ex and perhaps talk them into being with you again.

I can promise you that spending even one more moment dwelling on what happened and begging your person to take you back will backfire. If your person has broken up with you and you convince him to take you back, chances are it will all happen all over again, sooner or later. Furthermore, prostrating yourself at the feet of your ex, begging him to give you one more chance, will only damage your self-esteem.

I believe that, if someone breaks up with you, seeking closure is only going to drag out the inevitable. So, rant and cry for a bit but then hold your head high and don ‘ t let him know that you are hurting.

#2 – Extensive snooping.

One of the biggest issues with social media is the havoc that it wreaks after break-ups.

In the old days, when a couple parted ways, unless the circumstances were unusual, they rarely or never saw each other again. They didn ‘ t know the intimate details of each other ‘ s life as they went on with their own.

Now, unfortunately, everything is different.

When couples break up these days, part of the break-up means blocking or unfollowing each other on social media. And, unfortunately, this often doesn ‘ t happen fast enough.

I have a client who left her boyfriend because he was a mess. They agreed to ‘ ˜remain friends ‘ and kept up their social media accounts. My client still loved her boyfriend, even though she left him, and she found herself drawn to his social media accounts regularly. This wasn ‘ t an issue in the beginning but once he found another girlfriend it became a real problem.

She would waste hours stalking her ex and his new girlfriend on social media – extremely jealous that he seemed to be doing so much better with someone else. Thinking that some other girl had a better version of him made her crazy. Her self-esteem was in the gutter.

And then I reminded her that people only post their best things on social media. They don ‘ t post the fights or the posturing or the doubts. What she was seeing was a curated version of her ex ‘ s relationship. Understanding this allowed her to end her social media connection with him and begin to truly move on.

#3 – Moving on too quickly.

Another huge mistake that people make after a breakup is that they move on too fast.

I know that your heart is broken and that you desperately want to pull the pieces back together again and the best way to do that, you think, is to find someone else.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, I definitely believe that people should get back on the horse quickly after a relationship fail but I think that it ‘ s very important to take some time and reflect on what happened. Jumping back into a new relationship before you have done so will mean that you might repeat the same mistakes again.

So, take some time and be alone. It ‘ s important to cry and feel your feelings and process with your girlfriends. Gain some understanding into what happened and make sure that history doesn ‘ t repeat itself.

#4 – Staying in contact.

Have you and your ex agreed to ‘ ˜be friends? ‘ Do you want to set an example for other people that people can break up and remain friends? Good for you but, I am afraid, it ‘ s mostly impossible to do so.

When people are romantically involved and break up, especially if it ‘ s one sided, being friends just isn ‘ t possible. The person who is broken up with will use that friendship as an excuse to stay connected with their person and hope for a reunion. The breaker up could get frustrated with their ex ‘ s clinginess and connection and might push them away or even ghost them.

If you would honestly like to be friends with your ex someday, as I am with many of mine, first take some time to get past the end of the relationship and get out into the world. Staying in contact them now will only serve to slow down your healing.

#5 – Holding on to what could be.

Two things that I hear over and over and over after a break up is that they wish that things could be back to the way they were at the beginning and that they wish their person could be the person they know they can be. Wishing for these things will only drive you bonkers.

The beginning of a relationship is a magical time. Hours are spent sharing your deepest thoughts, your heart races whenever you see them and the chemistry is crazy. Unfortunately, maintaining the chemically induced excitement of the early part of a relationship is simply impossible.

Even people in long term, happy relationships no longer have those crazy feelings about each other. Their chemical draw has settled and they move into a more comfortable, loving relationship.

Furthermore, many people hold onto their exes because they focus on what their partner could be. My client who had to break up with her beau because he was a mess saw the long-term potential in him, especially if she just loved him enough. Unfortunately, holding on to someone because of what they could be will only be an exercise in futility. You can ‘ t save or change someone and trying to will only hurt you more.

So, if you are longing for the early days to return or know your person can change, know that neither will happen and take steps to move on.

There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup so know that you aren ‘ t alone.

Break-ups are painful and the need for the pain to go away makes people do things that are not self-serving.

Make every effort to resist seeking closure and extensive snooping, don ‘ t stay in contact or move on too quickly. And, importantly, understand that things will never go back to the way there were and you can ‘ t make your person into the person you think they can be.

I know that you want to find love – we all do! If you can avoid making these common mistakes then you will be able to move on quickly and find the love that you have always been seeking.

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

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