Why Healthy Boundaries In A Marriage May Apply To In-Laws As Well

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Are you newly married and have you and your partner learned about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a marriage? Have you worked hard to identify what your boundaries are and are you determined to respect them so that your marriage is successful?

Good for you.

What many people don ‘ t know is that it can be very important to, from the get go, set boundaries for your in-laws as well. Why? Because your in-laws will be a part of your lives for a long time and your relationship with them could have a huge effect on your marriage.

Let me tell you why boundaries with your in-laws can make your marriage stronger.

#1 – Setting boundaries will create clarity.

While now that you are married you have created the beginning of a new family, for all of the previous years of your life you have been a member of your original family.

Things that formed this original family – holiday traditions, gender roles, financial considerations etc – were the foundation upon which that family existed.

Now that you are married, those things, those things that lay the foundation for your original family, might not exist in the new family.

I know when I was married, my husband ‘ s family had always lived close to each other and, as a result, they spent a lot of time together, particularly around birthdays and holidays. My family had always been more spread out and our time together was somewhat limited and we lived more independently of each other.

I was hoping that our new family could live in a way that was more aligned with my original family. My ex wanted to spend holiday times with his family. And his family expected it too.

In retrospect, I believe that if we had set boundaries early on, boundaries with both of our families about how we were going to spend birthdays and holidays, instead of having to have conflict around them every time one arose, then we would have saved ourselves a lot of conflict, conflict that was part of the erosion of our marriage.

So, setting boundaries early on with your in-laws allows everyone to know what to expect going forward so that conflicts and hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum.

#2 – The new relationship must take precedence.

One of the most important reasons that healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well is because the marriage of two people creates a new family.

This new family is new and untested and needs its own time to develop into what it is going to be.

It is of the utmost importance that this new family take precedence, that the wants and needs of this new couple are taken into consideration above the wants and needs of the original family.

This is not to say that the original family should be shunned but that the wants and needs of the new family are discussed first. Once that discussion has been had, the new family can make a decision, together, about how they are going to proceed.

For my ex and I, we never truly made a decision about what was important for our family. Every time a family conflict arose we punted it to the next holiday. If we had only made a conscious decision, for ourselves and OUR family, then we both would have been happier and there would have been less conflict.

#3 – Everyone needs to know what expectations are.

Unmet expectations are the number one thing that can cause problems in any relationship. And, unfortunately, no one usually knows what those expectations are. This isn ‘ t done maliciously – it just never comes up, not until someone gets hurt.

If you can set expectations early on with your in-laws you can prevent hurt feelings on both sides. In the example of my ex and I, perhaps if we had clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship what it was that we expected around the birthdays and holidays, if we had engaged in a discussion with our in-laws about what we all wanted, then a whole bunch of conflict would have been avoided.

Instead, we just assumed that it was a command performance at holidays and birthdays and we showed up accordingly, often crabby because we had fought about it the whole car drive over.

#4 – Relationships can be maintained.

One of my biggest regrets of my marriage is that we weren ‘ t able to set boundaries and manage expectations with our families. If we had, some important relationships would have been healthier.

As I have said before, my ex and I often ended up butting heads when we were put in the position of meeting extended family obligations that we didn ‘ t necessarily want to engage in. That was very damaging for our marriage.

Furthermore, our relationship with our in-laws suffered as well because there was often conflict about how we engaged with them. We weren ‘ t always honest, in an attempt to not upset them, but they often knew. And my ex and I, usually crabby, weren ‘ t always fun to have around.

So, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to set boundaries to preserve those good feelings.

#5 – You will be prepared with the kids arrive.

Ah yes, babies. Aren ‘ t they wonderful? Adorable little creatures that arrive and totally turn our lives into chaos.

And, yes, grandparents. The adults in our lives who raised us, sometimes in ways that we wished that we hadn ‘ t been raised. And they want a say in how your new family is going to be raised as well.

If you have set and practiced healthy boundaries with your in-laws, when the babies come you will be able to discuss with them what kind of boundaries you need around the kids. You can work together to define how they will be involved with the children – will you need them for child care, will they be part of managing discipline, do they understand how important the car seat is, etc.

The grandparent relationship, I believe, is a key one in the lives of our children. I know that my relationship with my grandmother was one of the best, most nurturing, of my life. I know that my mother ‘ s relationship with her mother wasn ‘ t always a healthy one and if they had set boundaries then a lot of silent dinners might have been avoided. I know that I wish they had been.

So, set up and practice boundaries now so that, when the kids are born, both sides are well practiced in the art of managing expectations and avoiding conflict.

Now you know why healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well.

Marriage is long and hard (and wonderful) and for the length of your marriage your in-laws will be a part of it.

It ‘ s important to set the boundaries right away so that you can maintain a good relationship with them. The boundaries need not be set in stone – as relationships develop, needs can change – but it is important that the discussion be had and expectations are clear.

I know it might be difficult, for all parties involved, to have the discussion but know that, in the long run, it will have been worth it.

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How to Stop Unmet Expectations from Ruining Your Relationship

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Are you wondering how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship? Do you find yourself constantly disappointed with your partner and thinking about ending it?

Did you know that it ‘ s only since the Victorian era that relationships were meant to be what they are today – a partnership based on love, fidelity, friendship and laughter?

Before the Victorian era, relationships were business based, often set up by parents in the attempt to form allegiances farms or countries. There was no pressure to love forever or be your partner ‘ s best friend. And fidelity was rarely even discussed.

Today, the idea of a relationship has evolved, in most part due to movies and reality TV, into something that is supposed to define us and be the focal point of our lives.

And, often times, as seen by the high divorce rate and the transitory nature of relationships outside of marriage, this ideal of a relationship is not sustainable. Our expectations of our marriage are such that, if they are not met, the relationship will be damaged, perhaps irreversibly.

There are ways to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship. Here are a few.

#1 – Identify your own.

One way to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is questioning your own.

What do you think you need from your partner? Do you need him to give up his friends and hobbies for you? Do you expect to have sex every night? Do you want her to keep the house spotlessly clean, like your mother did? Do you expect him to anticipate your every need?

Expectations like these are exactly the things that can kill a relationship. I would encourage you to think about what you want from your partner so that it ‘ s clear in your mind. I also want you to consider if your expectations are reasonable.

If your expectations aren ‘ t reasonable your relationship might be dead upon arrival. If you don ‘ t know what your expectations are, your partner will have a hard time reaching them because you might always be moving the goal post.

So, before unmet expectations destroy your relationship, make sure you know what yours are.

#2 – Set boundaries.

I always encourage new couples to set boundaries in their relationships as soon as possible

To understand healthy relationship boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors.

A few examples:

*Make sure you stay yourself

*Allow yourselves time apart

*Communication is important

*Mutual respect at all times

*Keep the power dynamic equal

*Making time for both sides of the family

*Respecting others friends and hobbies

Of course, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but it is important that every couple establish some boundaries early and stick to them. For the sake of their relationship.

#3 – Be truthful.

It is essential that, if your expectations aren ‘ t being met, you discuss this with your partner.

One of the most common complaints that I hear from women is ‘ ˜he should know what I need. I shouldn ‘ t have to tell him. ‘ And this, I am afraid, is mostly impossible.

Men would love to be able to anticipate and meet our needs but many of them just don ‘ t always have it in them. This is not some deficiency of character but based on the fact that men have no idea how women think and why. It ‘ s a mystery to them so expecting them to be able to do so will set you up for disaster.

If your person isn ‘ t meeting your expectations, tell them. Not in the heat of the moment when you are angry and yelling but at an opportune time when you can discuss it calmly.

Discussing your expectations will allow the two of you to figure out if the expectations are reasonable and, if not, how you can compromise around something that would work for both of you.

If you don ‘ t, if you sit and simmer about your needs not being met, your relationship will not stay healthy.

#4 – Don ‘ t let others influence you.

How many times has your friend said ‘ ˜If he loved you, he would do this things ‘ . How many times has your mother said ‘ ˜She really should keep the keep the kitchen cleaner. ‘ How many times have you gotten resentful that your partner isn ‘ t reaching some expectation set by someone outside of the relationship?

It is important that you recognize that your relationship is just that, your relationship.

My mother in law used to remind me that my ex was really good at cleaning the house when he was a teenager. I appreciated that but, in our marriage, him helping with the house cleaning wasn ‘ t something that we had agreed on. It was important that I remembered that when discussing house cleaning with her.

So, make sure that your expectations are based on what you and you partner want, not what others want.

#5 – Remember that no relationship is perfect.

Last night I was watching The Bachelor (yes, I have watched every episode of the bachelor since 2002) and I listened to him talk about the perfect relationship that he wanted to come from his journey. The bachelorettes sang the same tune – they were there to find their best friend, someone who would always be there in their time of need.

While those sentiments are wonderful, they just are unrealistic. No one can be all things to one person all of the time.

When we enter into relationships expecting perfection, we will only be disappointed. Knowing that your relationship will not be the be all and end all, that you will need to find some things outside the relationship and that you won ‘ t blend into one person, will help set you up to not be disappointed and keep your relationship on a forward track to happiness.

Learning how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is not difficult to do.

If you are feeling dissatisfied in your relationship take a good hard look at your expectations. Do you have expectations that aren ‘ t being met and is that is why you are losing that loving feeling?

If yes, take a good hard look at your expectations and define if they are reasonable. Have your partner do the same. Afterwards, discuss them with your partner so that you guys can agree on what you both want and need. Don ‘ t listen to others and know that every relationship isn ‘ t what you read about in fairy tales.

If you can do these things, your chances of living happily ever after will be greatly improved.

You can do it! Start now ‘ ¦

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Surviving Infidelity Together: 5 Ways Couples Can Weather The Storm

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Is surviving infidelity together at all possible? Can a couple work through and get past the ultimate relationship betrayal – unfaithfulness.

Infidelity is devastating. The damage that is left, damaged caused by betrayal, lack of trust, unanswered questions and the unknown future seems irreparable.

But let me tell you that surviving infidelity together is possible. It won ‘ t be easy but it can be done.

Here are some important steps to take in the healing process.

#1 – No contact. None.

This is the number one most important thing for couples who are striving towards surviving infidelity together. If this step isn ‘ t taken, getting through this might not be possible.

It is essential that the unfaithful person cut their lover out of their life completely. There can be no trying to be friends, no final meeting for closure, no secret meetings to feed the need to be together. Unfriended and blocked on social media. Contact info deleted.

I believe that it ‘ s impossible to fully get away from a relationship if you don ‘ t go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ This is especially important after infidelity.

Why? Affairs are addictive and, for the married couple to get through recovery, it ‘ s imperative that the addiction be broken. The unfaithful person needs to be fully cut off from their lover so that they can focus on their partner. This is not possible if their lover hovers in the background.

Furthermore, the wronged partner needs to know and trust that their partner ‘ s person is not still out there, threatening the relationship.

So, first and foremost, go no contact. Without it, surviving infidelity together will be almost impossible.

#2 – Talking it out.

An essential part of surviving infidelity together is talking it out.

No affair happens in a void. More often than not, when an affair occurs, there are issues in a relationship.

Perhaps one partner never feels heard or isn ‘ t having their sexual needs met or is overwhelmed by the emotional abuse they are subjected to. Perhaps parenting has made them feel like less of a person and having an affair allowed them to feel like themselves again.

Whatever the reasons, these issues need to be discussed. Everything must be put out in the open so that everyone understands what might have led to the affair. Not to assign blame but to take a good honest look at what the issues are in the relationship and commit to make change around them.

Talking it out can be difficult and often it ‘ s important for a couple to get a professional to help them do so. Feelings will run high and having someone on hand to help keep them in line will be essential.

#3 – Rebuilding trust.

It is essential for couples who are interested in surviving a relationship together that they work hard to rebuild trust.

The wronged partner needs to know that they can trust their partner and the wandering partner needs to trust that their person is willing to work together to move forward.

A key part of rebuilding trust is to cut the other person out of your life, as I mentioned above. For the wronged person, knowing that their partner has walked away from their lover, that they don ‘ t need to always be wondering if they are together and that their person is committed to working through it is essential for moving forward.

The wayward partner needs to know that their partner is willing to be open to getting through this, to not be constantly critical of everything they do, to trust that they are no longer cheating and to not constantly question their character and motivations.

For both people, 100% transparency is important. If you have questions about what your spouse is doing, ask them. If you are going to be home later than usual, be clear about it and stay in touch. Whatever each other needs to feel safe in the relationship.

Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Rebuilding trust will take some time but without trust, surviving infidelity together might not be possible.

#4 – Forgiveness.

Ah yes, forgiveness. The tough one.

You have been betrayed by someone who swore to love you forever. They fell in love and/or had sex with someone else – how can one possibly forgive someone for such horrific behavior.

Furthermore, how can you forgive yourself for missing the signs, for being the kind of partner your person would turn away from, for being so unbelievably stupid for letting it happen?

Forgiveness after infidelity is possible. And understanding that forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean forgetting is essential as well.

If your partner truly feels contrite, if they are willing to stay away from their partner and do everything that they can do to regain your trust, if they take accountability for their actions and are always honest with you, forgiveness is possible.

That being said, just because you forgive someone doesn ‘ t mean they are let off the hook. It doesn ‘ t mean that you are accepting that what they did is okay. It means that you are recognizing that your partner is human, that humans make mistakes and that your life and your relationship is important enough to you to try to move forward together.

You don ‘ t have to forget that the affair ever happened but if you can forgive your partner for their actions you have taken a big step towards surviving an affair together.

#5 – Getting to know each other again.

When an affair occurs, what is left is a huge chasm between partners.

Trust is gone, your person doesn ‘ t act like your person, you question everything you ever thought to be true and you wonder if you can ever really know your person again.

An essential part of surviving infidelity together is making an effort to get to know each other again. There was a time you were in love with this person and perhaps it ‘ s time to remember why.

Be willing to be 100% open about yourself to another person, like you were in the beginning, so that you remember how and why you love them.

Make an effort to do things together – the things that you used to love doing together and new things that will be exciting and fun. Spend time with non-judgmental friends who love you as a couple. If you have kids, spend time together as a family.

Talk about the future, a future that you might share together.

Remember, you loved this person, and might still love them. Knowing this might be the key to surviving infidelity together.

Affairs are devastating and destructive. Surviving them as a couple is possible.

It is important that you follow the steps above, to cut the other person out of your life, to talk about what happened, to rebuild trust, to forgive and to get to know each other again.

It is also important, if doing the things above aren ‘ t helping you get through this, to get some professional help. An outside perspective on this situation, with a person who is well versed in healing after an affair, can be more than helpful. They might help you bridge a chasm that you just can ‘ t traverse on your own.

I know that you are hurt. And good for you for reading this article and considering whether or not you want to try to save your relationship. It ‘ s not for everybody, forgiving and moving on, but if it might be an option for you, I definitely encourage you to try it.

Maybe you can still have your happily ever after!

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5 Sweet Things To Say To Your Girlfriend To Let Her Know You Are All In

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Have you found the girl of your dreams? Are you wondering what kind of sweet things to say to your girlfriend to let you know you are all in?

Men are often at a loss about what they can do to make their women know that they are the best thing in their life. What women want tends to be different from what men do so it ‘ s not necessarily intuitive for them to know what makes us happy.

I can tell you this – women love to communicate. They love to give and take and share. Men don ‘ t always understand the importance of this so they often keep their mouths shut, at a loss to what to say.

If you want to know some sweet things to say to your girlfriend to let her know you are all in, let me help!

Here are some ideas:

#1 – I don ‘ t know what to do.

One time, my boyfriend and I were arguing about something. I am not sure what. I stormed out of the room and he didn ‘ t follow me. I was puttering around my room, angry at whatever we were fighting about and then he walked in and said I don ‘ t know what to do.

These words instantaneously diffused my anger?

Why? Because my boyfriend didn ‘ t know what to do. He had no idea what to do. And instead of going silent, or taking a stab at trying to fix things or sticking to his side of the argument, he was honest and went out on a limb and told me.

Oh man, did I love him more for that. And I realized that he didn ‘ t ‘ know what to do and that I had to cut him some slack, both that time and going forward. We rarely argue now – we are clear about what we need and don ‘ t know what to do and we keep the peace.

#2- That must be really hard. What can I do for you right now?

Do you know the nail in the head video?

In it, a woman is talking about how much pain she has in her head and how somedays she doesn ‘ t know if she can live with it any longer. The camera pans out and we see that she has a nail in her forehead. Her well-meaning boyfriend points out that, perhaps, if she removed the nail she would feel better.

This doesn ‘ t go over well. She gets mad at him for trying to fix her when she just wants him to listen. He does and she is happy.

So, next time your girl is upset, listen. And when you are done listening, acknowledge what you heard and empathize with the emotional turmoil that she is in. And then, not trying to fix her, ask her what you can do right then to make her happy.

This is seriously one of the sweetest things that you to say to your girlfriend.

She might not know the answer but she will appreciate the empathy and that you want to support her without fixing her. That will mean the world to her and she will know that she is important to you.

#3 – When I see you, my heart skips a beat.

We women have been raised on Rom-coms, admittedly not the best example of real life love. But it is what it is and there are certain things that we hope that our relationship will have in spades.

One of the most important of those is that your heart skips a beat when you see us. That you have a physical reaction (other than the one you are thinking of right now) that reminds you of how much you love us.

So, if you want to make your woman feel well and truly loved, tell her just that – that when come back together after being apart, that your heart feels full and that you are happy.

#4 – You look hot.

I know, in this day and age we don ‘ t want to put the emphasis on looks. Smarts, emotional IQs, happiness and kindness are all important part of a woman ‘ s makeup and things that she wants to be recognized for by her man.

That being said, every woman wants to know that her man thinks that she is hot. She wants to know that he checks her out when she walks into the room, that seeing her walk around naked is the highlight of his day and that making love to her rocks his world.

So, if you refrain from telling her girl that her physical appearance rocks your world, don ‘ t! She needs to hear it from you and telling her will make her understand how much she means to you.

#5 – I am sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?

Apologies are important in every relationship. They can make or break even a happy one but they are often done incorrectly.

What do I mean? Here is an example:

A man comes home from work late. His boss kept him there later than he thought and he missed dinner with his family. His wife is fuming. He says I am sorry BUT my boss kept me there and I figured that you would understand.

Any apology followed by a ‘ ˜but ‘ immediately negates it. The reality is the reason why his wife was fuming was because she was hurt that he wasn ‘ t home and that he didn ‘ t call to tell her. She was hurt.

One of the sweetest things to say to your girlfriend is actually something that you don ‘ t say – but!

So, what makes up a good apology? One that you can give your woman that will make her feel like you care? I am sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?

The most important part of an apology is acknowledging that you hurt someone. Even if you feel like what you did was unavoidable, you still hurt them. Acknowledging that and owning it will diffuse the situation right away.

And, if you give your partner the opportunity to let you know how to fix it, you can move on and get around to the fixing it part, which is way more fun!

Looking for sweet things to say to your girlfriend so she knows how you feel about her is an excellent step in forging a strong relationship.

The 5 Love Languages (if you don ‘ t know it, look it up) posits that we all feel love in certain ways: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving and doing tasks. And I do believe this idea to be true.

That being said, women need to hear it from you. They need to have the words come out of your mouth and soak into their heart and their brain.

And don ‘ t forget, the most important one: I love you. I know that you might think that she knows that one but she still likes to hear it. Every day.

So, go forth. Use your words. Let your girlfriend know that she is the one for you!

Are you wondering what kind of sweet things to say to your girlfriend?
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Feeling Depressed At Work: Is Your Job Making You Sick?

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Are you finding that you are feeling depressed at work? Are you finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning? Do you dread the idea of interacting with your co-workers? Is concentrating on your work increasingly difficult?

If you answered yes to any of my questions, or if the ideas at least seem familiar, then it could be that feeling depressed at work is a thing and that it could affect your health and your happiness.

How do you figure out if you are feeling depressed at work or it ‘ s something else? If it is about work, what part of work is it about or is it just the whole thing?

There are a few questions that you can ask yourself that will help you figure out what ‘ s going on.

#1 – What ‘ s happening outside of work?

The first thing to ask yourself is what is going on in your life outside of work.

Has something big happened in your life? A relationship break-up? The death of someone you were close to? Some kind of financial shift? Anything else that might cause you to be overly stressed out?

When we get depressed about one thing, our depression can spread to other areas of our life. It ‘ s like a tornado that starts small but captures everything up in its path and becomes increasingly damaging.

So, it is possible that there is something else going on in your life that is making you depressed but the depression shows up most during those long working hours because they might be stressful or boring.

#2 – Are you depressed when you aren ‘ t at work?

A big question to figure out whether you feeling depressed at work is really about the work is to ask yourself if you are feeling depressed outside of work.

Do you wake up on a Saturday morning feeling like you can take on the world? Are your Sunday mornings full of fun and good food and time with friends?

Do these good feelings carry over until Sunday night or Monday morning when you are filled with hopelessness and dread at the idea of going back to work?

If you are feeling depressed at work but feel otherwise fine about your life then it definitely is possible that work is in fact the source of your depression and that is something to take a good hard look at.

#3 – Do you get along with co-workers?

Ok, so you have figured out that your feeling depressed at work is about work and not about the big picture of your life. How do you figure out what it is about work so that you can to fix it?

A big part, for some people, of feeling depressed at work is that they don ‘ t get along with their co-workers, or even one co-worker in particular.

I have a client who loved her job and loved the people she worked with but her boss was not a nice guy. He would torment her regularly and she felt constantly in fear of losing her job. This conflict made her depressed about her job and everything else in her life.

In spite of the insecurity that she felt about her ability to do her job, an insecurity that was created by her boss being so hard on her, my client took the initiative to find a new job. She found a job very similar to the one she has before but with a boss who was kind and supportive. Her depression disappeared.

We spend a lot of time at work every week and a lot of time with our co-workers. If there are issues with some or all of our co-workers then it ‘ s important that we either try to work things out or get a new job.

Think about what you can do to change your relationships with co-workers if necessary. It could really help you manage your depression at work.

#4 – Do you like what you are doing?

Another part of feeling depressed at work is that you might not like what you are doing.

I remember when I was working front desk at a hotel I loved my job when it was busy but I hated it when the times were slow. I had to stand behind the desk, smile at people walking by but in general was bored and got in my head. As a result, I started feeling depressed about my job.

I loved my job, though, and didn ‘ t want to leave it so I set out to figure out what I could do to make my job less depressing during down times. I asked around and learned that I could help the concierge group with managing local information brochures. I would figure out what we needed, copy them and fold them. I know it doesn ‘ t seem like much but it was far better than just sitting there.

Once I found a task to do I was able to be happier at my job.

So, do you like your job? Does the prospect of doing what you are doing now for a the next few weeks or months fill you with dread or joy?

If you don ‘ t love what you are doing, see if you can change it, either by tweaking it where you are working now or finding something new!

#5 – Does the idea of a new job improve your mood?

Ok, pause a minute and think about what it would feel like if you had a new job.

If, when you woke up in the morning, you liked where you were going to spend the next 8 hours. If your co-workers were good and your commute was doable.

How would that feel? Does the thought give you a feeling of elation or a feeling of hopelessness?

If it ‘ s the first, it could be that it ‘ s your job that is making you depressed and a job change could change everything. If it ‘ s the second, I am guessing that you are depressed outside of your job and a job change won ‘ t make a difference.

Feeling depressed at work is something that is really hard to deal with because work takes up so much of our life.

There are some ways to tell if you are depressed because of work or if it ‘ s something else. These questions should help clarify for you.

If, after answering these questions, you see that you are not depressed because of work then it ‘ s important that you see your primary care doctor as soon as possible to see about treatment for your depression. Depression will get worse the longer it goes untreated so do it now!

If the answers to your questions indicate that it is work that is making you depressed, make an effort to change it, either by adjusting your job where you work now or seeking a new one.

Life is too short to spend it being depressed. Make change now so that you can be happy.

Are you wondering if work is making you depressed?
Let me help, NOW, and before your depression overwhelms you!
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5 Things That Happen After Letting Go of Looking for Love

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Are you considering letting go of looking for love because you have been trying and trying and trying to find it and failing?

Are you sick of dating sites and coffee shops and endless conversations with people who definitely aren ‘ t the people for you?

I get it. Looking for love can be exhausting.

I always tell my clients that it ‘ s ok, letting go of looking for love. It doesn ‘ t have to be forever but sometimes taking a break is the best thing that you can do.

Why?

#1 – You can give yourself a rest.

Looking for love is exhausting work.

You have to make a dating profile, spend endless time swiping right or left, make tons of small talk with strangers, deal with people stalking you or disappearing, and then ultimately being disappointed when something doesn ‘ t work out.

Who has the time and strength to deal with that?

Letting go of looking for love will give you your life back. It will give you a chance to spend time with friends, exercise, binge watch your favorite show, got to bed early and maybe even read a book!

Imagine what that would feel like, to not spend all of your time in the pursuit of love but to take a break and rest. Pretty amazing right?

#2 – You can focus on yourself.

It sounds like a cliché, I know. It ‘ s a phrase people use when they have just recently broken up with someone and they want to seem strong.

But focusing on yourself is actually a fundamental part of being a healthy human, especially one in the dating world.

For many of us, dating means putting ourselves on hold. It ‘ s hard to be our authentic selves when we are dating because we always feel like we have to put our best foot forward, to be someone who others would want to be with.

As a result, we sometimes lose ourselves in the process.

We stop doing yoga because we don ‘ t have the time and we lose touch with how important it is for our sanity.

We stop having girls’ nights out with our friends because we want to be free to date and therefore we don ‘ t have people to laugh with or call us on our shit, both of which are super important.

We might neglect work or family or our dog, all in the pursuit of love.

Letting go of looking for love allows us to take some time to refocus on ourselves, to get to know ourselves again. To spend time with people we love, to make a priority the things that keep us sane and to curl up in bed with our puppy, watching our favorite old movies on Netflix.

And then, once we know and love ourselves again, we might be ready to put ourselves out into the dating world, having refamiliarized ourselves with how awesome we are.

#3 – You can think more about what you want in a person.

Have you ever been caught up in the dating process and realized that you might be dating some people for the wrong reasons?

Do you find that perhaps height or pets or distance from your apartment are the criteria on which you are basing your willingness to date someone?

If I asked you right now what you wanted in a person, would any of those three things be the first three items on your list? Probably not.

Imagine if you met a person out there in the world, through a friend or at a bar. If you liked them, if you felt that chemistry, would you know or care about whether they liked dogs or cats or whether or not they lived in New Jersey? Probably not.

So, if you are considering letting go of looking for love, know that it will give you the opportunity to step back and re-assess what is really important to you in a partner.

Make a list of what you want and of how your perfect person would make you feel. That way, when you do meet them, you will actually see them, no matter where they live with their cat.

#4 – You can get used to alone time.

People HATE it when I say this but I do think that it ‘ s really important.

It is essential that, if we are going to be in a successful relationship, that we are good with being alone.

I have a friend who, when she first got divorced, found that being alone was the most uncomfortable thing for her. As a result, she frantically looked for love, desperately needing to fill up that empty space left by her ex-husband.

Eventually she was exhausted by her search and decided to try to take some time off from dating. At first, she was still uncomfortable in her home but, after a time, she got used to it. She learned that being alone allowed her to truly be herself and to do what she wanted to do. There was no one to take care of or compromise with – it was her way, always. And she liked that.

Learning how to be alone, to not be desperate for the company of another person, changed my friend ‘ s life because with this lack of neediness she became a stronger, more self-confident person who, in turn, attracted stronger, more self-confident guys. Guys she really liked. And guys who had to prove themselves to be allowed into her space.

So, take some time getting to know yourself and spending time alone. You will be glad you did.

#5 – Love will find you.

There is a saying attributed to Henry David Thoreau that reads ‘ ˜Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder. ‘

This is true with love as well.

We often pursue love like we train for a marathon or push to get ahead in our career. But love isn ‘ t found like that. Love is found when we are rested and know ourselves, when we are happy being alone and have the self-confidence to put our best foot forward.

If we continue our dogged pursuit of love without stopping and noticing the world around us we could miss all that is beautiful, including the love of that person we didn ‘ t see because we were swiping left or hyper focusing on that stunning man down the bar.

So, know that, if you are considering letting go of looking for love, doing so might be just what you need to find your forever person.

Letting go of looking for love is a big step, a leap of faith that in doing so you won ‘ t sabotage your love life forever.

The search for love is a marathon and not a sprint.

It is important that we take our time, nourish ourselves and the world, have self confidence that love will find us and that, if it doesn ‘ t right away, we will be okay alone.

Letting go of looking for love doesn ‘ t have to be forever. It ‘ s like pressing the pause button on a song or a TV show – something that you can get back to when you are ready.

So, take a moment. Step back from your pursuit of love. Believe that if you do, you will still find your happily ever after person, just maybe not today. And that ‘ s ok. You will find them someday – I promise.

Are you wondering about letting go of looking for love?
Let me help, NOW, and so you can start finding yourself again and find love!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

What Type of Person Gets What They Want Every Time?

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It ‘ s a new year and with every new year comes a desire to do things differently, to work to change our behavior to change outcomes.

A lot of my clients have expressed the need to speak up for themselves more, to ask for what they want and not let others lead the way. But many of them don ‘ t know if they have it in them to do so.

With that in mind, I have compiled a list of what type of person gets what they want every time. Of course, not everyone has all of these traits and there are other traits that I don’t mention that assertive people have but these 5 are the most common, in my experience.

#1 – Self Aware

A key part of getting what is knowing what you want.

How can you speak up for yourself if you aren ‘ t clear on what it is that you need in the moment?

Imagine yourself at Starbucks. You know you want that Iced Caramel Macchiato. It ‘ s your drink. And then you get a hot one. Do you suck it up and take the drink because you don ‘ t want to be a bother or do you speak up because you really want it iced? I am guessing you will speak up because you know exactly what coffee drink you like and it ‘ s important to your day that you have it.

It ‘ s the same in life and in relationships, especially. If you know that you are unhappy about something, ask yourself why you are unhappy. If you were in charge of the world, what you would you change about that thing so that you could be happy?

Once you know what that thing would be then you can ask for it clearly. Like your favorite iced beverage!

#2 – Self Confident

An important part of being the type of person who gets what they want is having the self-confidence to believe that you are worthy of what you want.

For many of us, we don ‘ t believe that we are worthy. We are hesitant to ask for what we want because we believe that we should settle for what we get because we don ‘ t deserve more.

Imagine that you know what you want, that you have defined it precisely. And then picture yourself asking for it? How does that feel in your body? Does it feel good or do you have a big pit in your stomach?

Ask yourself what that pit means. Does it mean that you feel like you don ‘ t deserve what you want? Does the idea of asking for it fill you with dread?A key part of getting what we want is believing that what we want is ok – that we are worthy of asking and worthy of being happy.

#3 – Honest

The type of person who gets what they want is someone who is honest.

Going back to coffee analogy, if you don ‘ t speak up for the drink you want you aren ‘ t being honest, with your barista or yourself.

Think about when you want your husband to stay home and he wants to go out and you don ‘ t speak up and out he goes. How do you feel then? Do you stay home, stewing, angry at yourself for not speaking your truth and angry at him for not recognizing (without being told) what you want.

It is important that, if you want to be assertive, that you are honest with whomever you are dealing with. People can ‘ t read minds and if you want something you have to tell them.

#4 – Open

People who get what they want are people who are open, open to what they want and open to listening to what other people want as well.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t want him to, be open to what he wants as well as what you want.

Tell him that you would prefer he stay home but ask him why it ‘ s so important to go out. He could very well have a good reason, a reason that you can accept and be okay with and then you can spend the night not stewing about why he left.

If you aren ‘ t willing to listen, if it ‘ s your way or the highway, then being assertive will get you nowhere and will offend people. There are two people in every transaction and both of them have needs that need to be met. Compromise is, of course, an option but you can ‘ t compromise without information.

#5 – Composed

A really big part getting what you want is being able to ask for what you want calmly and clearly.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t, do you think you are more likely to get an outcome that makes you happy if you yell at your guy instead of speaking up calmly about what you want. Would you be willing to work on making someone else happy if they yelled at you?

It is important that, when we are being assertive, we pause and take a deep breath before we speak. That we think about what we want to say and say it in a way that the words will land on the other person. If we do so, we can get what we want.

I know that you are thinking about that person you know who always yells and gets what he wants. Let me ask you – do you like that person? Does anyone like that person? I am guessing not. His loud words get him what he wants but he offends people every time.

Knowing what type of person gets what they want are is the key to being happier in your life.

People who meekly going about their day, taking what others give them without a peep, killing their self confidence in the process, are people who will ultimately find themselves living a life that doesn ‘ t make them happy.

People who know what they want, who can self-confidently express with honesty and clarity what they want, are people who are happy with what they have and happy to share what they have with others.

Imagine feeling that way. You can do it! Work to cultivate the personality traits on my list and you live the life that you have always wanted.

Are you wondering what type of person gets what they want every time?
Let me help, NOW, and so you can start getting what you want from life!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

How To Stop Fighting with Your Partner & Save Your Relationship

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Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your partner? Has the frequency and the intensity of your fighting grown over time? Do you want to stop fighting so that you can find your way back to each other?

Conflict. We all have it.

We get angry with our mothers, our friends, our bosses and our kids. It is our partners, those we have chosen to love and cherish for a lifetime, with whom we seem to get the angriest. And this conflict, this anger, with our partners can be very destructive and get in the way of living the life of our dreams.

There are ways to get through conflict, however, and it is way easier than one would think.

#1 – Carefully choose the time to talk.

This is key.

If you talk to your partner when you are angry you will say things that you might not mean to say. Words said in the heat of the moment tend to cause a lot of pain and not necessarily be accurate.

Try to wait at least 2 hours after a disturbance before speaking up. This will give you the chance to calm down and speak more clearly. If you can talk calmly about exactly what you are upset about then you will be more likely to be able to work it out and not let the quarrel escalate.

Also, don ‘ t pick a known stressful time to talk, like during bedtime or just after work. Try to pick a time when you are both calm and can approach the conversation with good energy instead of bad. I know calm time can be hard to find but when properly motivated you can find it.

#2 – Do not attack.

This is very important and something that many of us do without thinking. And it gets us nowhere.

Let ‘ s say that your partner is always getting home from work late. Instead of saying ‘ You are always late. Why do you have to be such a jerk? ‘ try saying ‘ It makes me sad when you are always home late from work. I work hard to get us all together for a family dinner and I really miss it when you aren ‘ t there. ‘

Look carefully at the difference here. If you use the first example your partner will immediately get on the defensive and the conversation will be over before it begins.

In the second example you are sharing how you FEEL and no one can argue with how you FEEL. And how you feel is the truth.

What is not the truth is that your partner is a jerk for coming home late.

#3 – Make sure they know you are listening.

This is very hard to do and can feel very contrived but it is a key part of listening and being heard.

It ‘ s called a reflective response.

In the case of the example above, with the partner who didn ‘ t come home in time for dinner, the perfect response for them to say would be: ‘ I am sorry that my being late for dinner made you so sad. ‘ With that statement you know that your partner has understood what you are trying to say and that might deflate the argument.

The worst thing that you can do is to yell back at them or storm out, not letting them speak and get their feelings out. Because if you do that, the issue will come up again. Over and over and over.

#4 – Try to remember that we are all only human.

We all make mistakes. More often than not our troublesome actions are not a reflection of our feelings about someone but are the result of a variety of things (time, motivation, energy level, distractions) that all work together and create a situation that isn ‘ t ideal.

A client of mine’s husband came home on Saturday without picking out the windows that he promised her he would pick out. She was furious and said something like ‘if you loved me you would have picked out the windows.’

The reality was that his mother had called when he was on his way and he had to run over to help her with something. Yes, it’s not ideal but it is the reason why he couldn’t do what she had asked, not because he didn’t love he.

Next time you are quick to react to something your husband does, take a moment a try to figure out why it happened. Perhaps you won ‘ t need the two hours to decompress after all.

#5 – Be ready to say sorry and to forgive.

This can be the hardest thing of all for people ‘ ¦ to say they are sorry and to forgive perceived wrongs… but it is one of the most important parts of any relationship.

Why don ‘ t we want to say we are sorry? Because it will convey weakness? Because we can ‘ t let go of our anger? Because we are embarrassed by our actions?

Whatever the reason, we need to learn how to do it. Next time you are having a disagreement with your partner, try apologizing. See how quickly the anger deflates, on both sides.

With the husband who came home late, he should start with ‘I am sorry that my lateness made you sad. ‘ That is apologizing not for the lateness but because of the pain his wife suffered from it.

What shouldn’t be said is “I am sorry that my lateness made you sad BUT I couldn’t help it.” In an apology, a BUT makes the apology completely ineffective. The BUT means you are making an excuse. The reality is is that you caused pain, not matter the reason, and that needs to be acknowledged.

In the same vein, we need to forgive and not hold onto anger. Holding on to anger is one of the most destructive forces in any relationship. If your partner apologizes for his or her actions you need to find it in your heart to remember that they are only human and that they have taken responsibility for their actions and that life must move forward.

Learning how to stop fighting with your partner is a key part of keeping your relationship healthy.

Conflict, and the resulting anger, with anyone can be devastating and especially so with a partner. Left unchecked anger can take on a life of it’s own and destroy everything in its path.

Don ‘ t let that happen to you. Try to carefully choose your time to talk. Don’t attack. Let them know you are listening and don’t hold on to the anger.

And then, perhaps, you can settle down to a nice peaceful, conflict free evening.

Sounds worth it, no?

Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your partner?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do so that you can be happy!
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