How Couples Survive During Times of Crisis

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We are going through an unprecedented crisis right now and many people are wondering how couples survive when times are as tough as these.

It ‘ s a good question. And, while these are particularly tough times, couples are often faced with crises over the course of their relationship. Jobs are lost, kids get in trouble, parents get old, cars are crashed ‘ ¦the list goes on and on.

And, with each and every crisis, couples have to navigate the murky waters that accompany them and try to help each other stay afloat.

So, how couples survive during times of crisis is by keeping these few things in mind.

#1 – Don ‘ t stop talking.

One thing that couples tend to really struggle with is communication.

Remember, at the beginning, when you would stay up until all hours of the night, sharing your history and your hopes and dreams? And now, after a certain amount of time together, the healthy communication has, to a large degree, slowed down.

Instead of talking about what each other wants or needs, couples tend to sink into themselves. Women often want their partners to know what they need without having to tell them. Men often have no idea what their partner needs and therefore are hesitant to try anything for fear of being wrong.

It is important that, when considering how couples survive during times of crisis, couples make an effort to communicate with their partners, not only their wants and needs but to talk to each other like human beings. When communication stops, it can be hard to start up again so keeping the lines of communication open will allow each person to know that their person is there for them if they need them to be and to know that they can, in turn, be there for their partner.

Surviving crises can be difficult as a couple but, if lines of communication are kept open, getting through them can often be easier as a team.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s feelings.

I remember, at the beginning of this Covid-19 crisis, my partner and I had very different needs.

I needed to read everything about it that I could and share it out loud. My partner didn ‘ t want the constant updates because they were stressing him out. Because he is patient with me and loves me, he didn ‘ t tell me that my updates were stressing him out. Fortunately, one day he wasn ‘ t able to hide his feelings of anguish and I saw what my words were doing to him. So, I stopped updating him and still indulged my need to know everything. Silently.

Things doesn ‘ t always work out this way. Oftentimes couple ‘ s needs are so diametrically opposed to each other that they are completely incomprehensible to the other person. I have heard stories of couples who have lost children and were driven apart because of each other ‘ s modes of grieving. They just couldn ‘ t understand what the other was doing and it caused resentment and further anguish.

It is important to notice, as I did, or ask your partner, what they need in a crisis. What works for one person doesn ‘ t necessarily work for the other. And vice versa. If you can respect what your partner does and needs, and in turn share your own, you are more likely to be a model of how couples survive in a crisis and not one of many whose relationships just don ‘ t make it through.

#3 – Don ‘ t be selfish.

Many relationships have certain patterns, patterns that make their relationship special. Whether it ‘ s foot rubs in front of the TV or always being responsible for the laundry or getting up early to walk the dog, there are things that people do for each other to make them feel loved.

Often, the first thing that falls to the side during times of crisis is those patterns. Someone who used to do the dishes every night no longer does so because that is when the family comes together on a Zoom call to discuss their mother ‘ s illness. Or perhaps you no longer get foot rubs in front of the TV because your partner is exhausted from looking for jobs all day.

It is important that, if these things are happening, you try not to get selfish and resentful. Of course, you have needs, things that you have always received and need to feel loved, but try to understand that, during times of crisis, those things might fall to the side. I know that it ‘ s hard to do, to stay strong when your small needs aren ‘ t being met, but know that, most likely, it ‘ s only temporary and after this period of time has passed, things will go back to normal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

The flip side of not being selfish is to take care of yourself. If your needs aren ‘ t being met by your partner, it is important that you practice self-care.

If your feet aren ‘ t getting rubbed at night, perhaps get a massage or see a reflexologist. If you are left with the dishes, build some time into your evening and know that it won ‘ t be forever. If you have to walk the dog, perhaps do so with a friend so that you can chat away, without guilt, for an hour. These patterns might be missing now but they won ‘ t be forever.

If we don ‘ t make an effort to take care of ourselves during times of crisis we can find ourselves full of resentment with our partners, resentment about being ignored and left behind during hard times. We need to love and care for ourselves so that we can stay strong, both for our health and the health of our relationship as a couple.

#5 – Get help.

Finally, if you find that you and your partner are circling the drain during this difficult time, it would be a good idea to get help. A therapist or a life coach will be able to help you deal with the things I addressed above. Many couples really struggle with them and having a professional help you can make all the difference.

You can find a therapist or life coach at www.psychologytoday.com or you can email me at [email protected] to get started.

It is very, very important that, if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse, you understand that the damage that is being caused by the disconnect might cause irreparable damage, so get ahead of it. Ask for some help. You will be glad you did!

When you look around and wonder how couples survive during times of crisis do you wonder if it ‘ s just you, is it just your relationship that doesn ‘ t seem strong enough to get through this?

I can promise you that you are not alone. Many couples really struggle when faced with difficult life experiences but many of them are successful at coming out the other side.

Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and ask what each other needs, to respect those needs without resentment, to try to put your own needs second and yet to take care of yourself at the same time and, if all else fails, get some help!

You and your partner can get through this. I know you can! And if I can help let me know!

 

If you have made this far you must really be wondering how couples survive in a crisis.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things To Do if You Are Feeling Depressed in the Morning

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Are you finding that more and more you are feeling depressed in the morning? Is the current stay at home situation making it difficult for you to not feel full of hopelessness and despair.

Or perhaps, even before all of this started, you found yourself waking up and feeling depressed in the morning, which tended, more often than not, to sabotage your day?

Waking up and feeling depressed is a horrible thing. It messes with the rest of our day and makes us miss out on a whole lot of living.

So, what do you do if you are feeling depressed in the morning?

#1 – GET OUT OF BED.

The most important thing to do if you are feeling depressed in the morning is to GET OUT OF BED.

The emphasis that I put on this small action is because it is so important.

When we are depressed, our inclination is to stay in bed, under the warm covers. And yes, sleep feels really good when we are depressed but the toxic thoughts that rear their ugly head are not.

When you are feeling depressed in the morning and you can ‘ t get up the energy to get out of bed, do your thoughts go to dark places? Do you start ruminating about everything that is wrong with your life? Do you think about what a loser you are? How you will always be alone? How lazy you are that you can ‘ t even get out of bed?

The longer that you stay in bed, listening to those damaging thoughts in your head, the more depressed you will get. So, get out of bed.

How? I have a number of friends who have some great ideas about how to get out of bed and stay out of bed. Get out of bed to go to the bathroom and then strip your bed of your sheets. Or remove the mattress from the box spring. Or cover your bed with junk. Whatever it takes so that you will not sink yourself back into that cozy den of dark thoughts.

So, GET OUT OF BED. If you don’t, your depression will definitely stay with you for the rest of the day, if not longer.

#2 – Take a shower.

Believe it or not, taking a shower can be an excellent cause for some relief if you are feeling depressed in the morning.

There are a few reasons why. The first is that taking a shower is something that people do on a day that is going to be productive – i.e. when they are seeing friends or going to work. Taking a shower will send a signal to your brain that today is not a day to stay home depressed but to go out in the world, whether you need to or not.

Also, scientific research has shown that hot (and cold) water can be a great anti-depressant. I know that a hot shower, with a cold rinse, or a hot bath can make all the difference for me on a depressed day.

So, take a shower. Wash your hair. Get yourself presentable and ready for your day!

#3 – Eat Breakfast.

I know. You are depressed and the last thing in the world that you want to do is eat anything, much less breakfast.

Eating when you are depressed is an essential tool for lifting your depression. Your body, and your brain, doesn ‘ t function optimally when it has no fuel. When you wake up in the morning and your fuel tank is on empty, the chances of you jumping out of bed and feeling 100% are slim to none.

So, after your shower, put something in your stomach. Something that will give your brain and your body the energy to face the day and get you out of the house and living.

#4 – Do something that makes you happy.

Once you are up, bathed and fed, the goal of your day should be to do at least one thing that makes you happy.

Whether it ‘ s watching a TV show, hanging out with a friend, taking your dog for a walk or having a hot bath, doing even one thing that makes you happy will raise your dopamine levels which in turn will alleviate your depression, even if for a brief time.

The very best thing that you could do for yourself, even if it ‘ s not one of your favorites, is to get some exercise. Exercise, of any kind, raises your dopamine levels and dopamine is essential for mood health. So, if you can get out there and walk or run or dance, you will be glad you did.

#5 – Believe that this will pass.

When we are depressed, it ‘ s very easy for us to believe that this will never pass, that we will always be depressed. When you are in the middle of a depression, the future always looks bleak.

What I am here to tell you is that, from the perspective of someone who isn ‘ t depressed, your world will get better. That the things that are making you feel so down today will not necessarily make you feel horrible tomorrow. If you can just get through this day then chances are that tomorrow, or the next day, your depression will pass and you will be happy again.

Of course, if you find that your depression isn ‘ t passing, or that it ‘ s getting worse, it ‘ s important that you get help.

There are different types of depression and some of them don ‘ t get better without treatment. In fact, some of them get worse the longer they go untreated. So, if you find yourself feeling depressed in the morning but find that your depression is not getting better, reach out to your primary doctor and let them help you get through this.

Feeling depressed in the morning is not fun. After a good night ‘ s sleep, before the day begins, one hopes to have just a few moments of peace to enjoy the corner of the world in which we live. When we are depressed, those moments of peace are stolen from us.

So, if you are feeling depressed in the morning, get out of bed, take a shower, eat some breakfast, do something that you love to do and have some hope. Depression is horrible but it doesn ‘ t have to ruin your life.

Do the things that you need to do NOW to manage your depression before it gets worse!

If you have made this far you must really be feeling depressed in the morning.

Let me help you, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

7 Reasons You Can’t Break Up with Someone Even if You Know You Should

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Are you in a relationship that you know isn ‘ t working but are you having a hard time ending things? Are you wondering why you can ‘ t break up with someone even though you know you should?

Breaking up with someone, whether we want to do so or not, is never easy. We go into relationships with such hope and ending them can seem like the end of a dream. Or the end of a nightmare.

There are a few reasons why you can ‘ t break up someone even if you know you should. Being aware of them might make breaking up a little bit easier.

#1 -You are worried about your social group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people they are concerned about breaking up with someone because of the effect that it will have on their social group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren ‘ t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn ‘ t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren ‘ t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

#2 – You are scared of being alone forever.

This might be the number one reason that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should.

I don ‘ t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn ‘ t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking in high school that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn ‘ t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can ‘ t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to not be in a happy relationship because, if you are stuck in this one, you won ‘ t be able to find someone else.

So, if you can ‘ t break up with someone even if you know you should, know that, if you can find the strength to do so, you will find the person of your dreams.

#3 – You don ‘ t want to hurt them.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don ‘ t want to be with and the one that frustrates me the most.

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It ‘ s really amazing. And, almost without exception, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And you know what he does? He doesn ‘ t tell them he isn ‘ t interested. He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is ‘ ˜afraid to hurt them. ‘

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, but instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth. Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don ‘ t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#4 – You believe you can fix them.

For many people, especially women, we believe that we can fix the things about our partner that make us unhappy.

Perhaps your partner spends too much time with his friends at the expense of time with you. Perhaps he works all the time and does give you much attention. Perhaps she doesn ‘ t treat her family the way you would like her to. Perhaps you wish she had higher self-esteem.

For many people who are unhappy in relationships but who can ‘ t break up with their person, can ‘ t do so because they believe that they can fix the other person and then they will live happily ever after.

Let me tell you, unless you are happy with who your person is RIGHT NOW, then you are doomed to be unhappy if you don ‘ t break up with them. People can ‘ t be fixed. They can choose to make change of their own accord but you won ‘ t be able to fix them, no matter how hard you try.

#5 – You have all this time invested.

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have heard this from clients – ‘ I have put so much time into this person. I don ‘ t want to walk away now. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have told them that that is no reason to stay.

Yes, you might have invested a lot of time in this person (I put 20 years into my now defunct marriage) so don ‘ t spend even one more minute with someone who you aren ‘ t happy with. Cut bait right now and invest the next few minutes, hours and days of your life on taking care of yourself and putting your energy out into the world to find the person of your dreams.

Furthermore, I do believe that any time we might spend with someone, no matter how it ends, isn ‘ t a waste of time. You learn a lot, about yourself and about relationships, during your time with someone. The only reason that time would be wasted is if you walk away without taking what you have learned with you.

So, don ‘ t let sunk time, time that you have already spent, make you stay in a relationship that you know should end.

#6 – You don ‘ t like to give up.

Another thing I often hear from clients is that they don ‘ t like to give up. That they want to continue to fight for a relationship. What I tell them, in response, is that one person can ‘ t fight for a relationship. Unless both people are willing to fight, a broken relationship will not get fixed.

None of us like to give up and admit defeat, but if you are the only one fighting for this relationship, g

iving up is the best and wisest thing that you can do.

#7 – You still have hope.

This is the hardest reason why you can ‘ t break up with someone – doing so will mean that you have to give up hope around living happily ever after.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn ‘ t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn ‘ t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn ‘ t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams even more.

So, if you still have hope for your relationship, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it ‘ s the first, keep fighting. If it ‘ s the second, it ‘ s time to move on.

Knowing that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should, is very frustrating and exhausting.

Lots of time and effort is spent going back and forth on the pluses and minuses, recovering from crying jags and feeling hopeless about the future. Basically, your life can be put on hold while you try to break up with someone you should break up with.

Knowing, and accepting, that there are reasons why you can ‘ t break up with someone is the best way to be able to take the steps to do so.

Go through the checklist above. Consider those that apply to you. If you can work your way through them, you just might find that you have the clarity to break up with someone, for both of your own goods.

You can do this! And, if you do, you will give yourself the chance to live happily ever after!

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with breaking up with someone.

Let me help you, NOW, before you waste anymore time.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do When Your Spouse is Driving You Crazy

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Ok, so. Is your spouse driving you crazy? Was marriage hard enough before all of this started and are you finding it nigh on impossible now that we are all stuck at home.

You are not alone. Divorce attorneys are reporting higher than average inquiries into divorces and researchers are not expecting a ‘ ˜Covid-19 baby boom. ‘ People are struggling, individually, and even more so, sometimes, in couples.

So, what you can do when your spouse is driving you crazy, both during these crazy times and once things get back to normal?

#1 – Take a time out.

The most important thing to do if your spouse is driving you crazy is to get the hell away from them.

I know, easier said than done these days but it is possible.

Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn ‘ t make anything better.

So, what can you do to take your time out? Ideally, you would be able to go for a walk or a run. Exercise and sunshine are the best medicines when we are feeling angry or stressed out. If it ‘ s possible, get outside and as far away from your spouse as possible.

If you can ‘ t get outside, go into another room. Take a bath. Watch your own TV show. Read a book. Put some distance between the two of you.

If your space is really cramped, headphones can be a lifesaver. Use some to listen to music or a podcast or an audio book or just simply as ear plugs. If you can ‘ t hear your person, more than likely you will no longer be annoyed by them. Out of sight, and hearing, and out of mind.

#2 – Communicate.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Talking to them will just make it worse, right? Yes, it will, if you do it in the moment that your spouse is driving you crazy.

I would suggest that, after you get some space and your frustration and anger dissipates, you talk to your spouse about what is driving you crazy. And I would suggest a certain way to do it so that you are successful.

If him slurping his coffee is driving you nuts, try to tell him that the slurping sound makes you feel irritated. Not so much that you are irritated by him but at the sound of the slurping. Of course, you can ‘ t get mad at the coffee so might it be possible for him to make an effort not to slurp. If the noise is gone, or reduced, you most likely won ‘ t be as irritated.

If you tell your husband that he is driving you crazy by slurping his coffee he will get defensive because you are attacking his actions. Instead, talking about how his actions make you feel is something that he can ‘ t argue with.

Does this make sense? Here is an article that I wrote about effective communication with your spouse.

#3 – Cut them some slack.

One thing my therapist pointed out to me a long time ago is that none of us are perfect. And, of course, we rarely set out to drive each other crazy.

Be honest, do you think that your husband is slurping coffee just to annoy you or is it a longstanding habit that perhaps you used to find endearing?

With that thought in mind, perhaps his actions can bother you less, if you recognize that he isn ‘ t setting out to drive you crazy but that he is a person in the world who isn ‘ t perfect.

I am guessing there are a few things that you do that drive him nuts as well and that you do them because you aren ‘ t perfect either, not to bother him.

So, let your partner off the hook sometimes. It ‘ s way better than getting all worked up.

#4 – Consider what is really going on.

I know that I used to snap at my ex-husband A LOT. Of course, some of it was because he was driving me crazy but, more often than not, there was something else going on.

I remember lots of snapping when we were trying to get the kids out the door or get them into bed or managing how to get to a family event or some other mundane but incredibly frustrating daily activity.

So, when your spouse is driving you crazy, take a moment and consider if it is actually them irritating you or if there is something else going on. It could be work or a body ache or your mother or any other myriad of things. If you can stop yourself before you get to frustrated then the damage to your marriage might be minimal.

#5 – Get physical.

One of the hardest things to do when your spouse is driving you crazy is to touch them but it is the best thing that you can do to fix it. A hug can be better than a thousand words.

I am not saying that you have to go over and hug your spouse when they are driving you crazy but I would encourage you to do so when you have done the above steps and settled down.

Physical contact is incredibly important to keep couples connected. For many married couples, sex gets complicated the longer the marriage goes on and, as a result, physical contact can also be curtailed because everyone is insecure about what that physical touch might mean.

So, putting aside sex, make an effort to hug your spouse for 10 seconds at least once a day. They say that a 10 second hug can make a huge difference in connection between couples.

Try hugging. Even if it feels kind of weird and unnatural, try it. It could make a huge difference.

Even outside of times of crisis, when your spouse is driving you crazy life can be unpleasant.

Of course, you can sink into the anger and resentment that happens in marriage because of unresolved issues or you can try a few simple steps to try to repair things.

Take some time away to calm yourself down, make an effort to talk to your spouse about how you are feeling, recognize that they are only human and that perhaps they have something internal happening and reach out and touch them.

Your spouse is someone who you committed to love forever, in good times and in bad. Try to manage those moments in time when your spouse is driving you crazy and you are way more likely to live happily ever after!

You can do it! I promise.

 

If you have made this far your spouse must be really driving you crazy

Let me help you, NOW, before it overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order? 5 Ways to Ride it Out.

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Oh my gosh, so many people I know are feeling depressed during the stay at home order.

Our lives are so different now. The things we used to take for granted – restaurants, massages, hanging out with friends, taking road trips, even going to the doctor – are all missing from our lives right now, leaving what feels like nothing. We are feeling empty and lonely and bored, among other things.

Unfortunately, many of those emotions can lead to feeling depressed. For many of us, feeling depressed before the coronavirus was a daily reality but for those of you who haven ‘ t struggled with it before it can be especially hard to manage.

Let me give you a few tips, from someone who has lived with depression for years, for how to best ride out feeling depressed during the stay at home order.

#1 – Focus on what you do have.

Are you spending much of your day thinking about all of the things that you usually have in your life? Work, friends, sex, dating, the gym, Starbucks? All of those things have been important, and taken for granted, parts of our lives and their absence can be devastating.

Would it be possible for you, instead, to focus on what you do have?

I was talking to a friend of mine whose husband died last year and I mentioned that my boyfriend and I aren ‘ t as physical these days. She said ‘ ˜Don ‘ t take each other for granted. I haven ‘ t been touched in 3 weeks. ‘ That gave me pause and I went and hugged my boyfriend.

I learned a big lesson from her, to appreciate what I do have. Can you take stock of what you do have? Do you have a roof over your head, a job, friends to keep in touch with, free time to watch some TV that you haven ‘ t been able to watch? Do you have a pet who will give you love, the ability to get outside into the woods, more family time then you have had for years?

All of those things are important to take stock of. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner) our lives will go back to (somewhat) normal and we might not ever have the life that we have now again.

So, take a moment and take stock of what you have. It might help you feeling depressed during the stay at home order in a big way.

#2 – Have hope.

One of the hallmarks of depression is hopelessness. And it ‘ s hard to not feel hopeless these days. We are dealing with a normal that we have never had to deal with before, with no easy end in sight, and it ‘ s hard to believe that we could ever be happy again.

I am here to tell you, however, that this will end. The life that we are living right now, socially isolated, wearing masks, staying 6 feet away from each other, not traveling and being generally afraid, won ‘ t last forever.

Yes, it might take a while for our lives to go back to the way they were before but they will go back. And when they do, our lives will go on. We will date and go to Starbucks and fight with our families at Thanksgiving and soon forget that this was even part of our reality in early 2020.

So, have hope. This will not be your life forever. I promise.

#3 – Get some Vitamin D.

When people visit the doctor about feeling depressed one of the first things that is done is a test for Vitamin D levels. Low levels of Vitamin D are found in many people who are feeling depressed and, for many, a Vitamin D supplement can make all of the difference.

Another way to get Vitamin D is to get out into the sunshine. I think that, because our outside time has been limited, many of us have low Vitamin D levels and that is causing some (or all) of our depression. So, try to get outside and get some sunshine.

If you can ‘ t get outside, there are natural light lamps for sale that do an excellent job imitating the beneficial aspects of the sun. They are inexpensive and you can put one on your breakfast table and get a Vitamin D dose right then and there.

So, if you are feeling depressed, get yourself some more Vitamin D, however you can, and see if it helps!

#4 – Distract yourself.

Unfortunately, when we are depressed, one of our worst enemies is our brain.

When we are feeling depressed, more often than not our brains get caught in this cycle of negative thoughts. We think about how horrible our life is, what losers we are, how our parents neglected us, how we have no friends. These kind of thoughts go around and around in our brain and sink us down deeper into depression.

One of the best tools against depression is to distract that brain of yours. Watching a movie or binging on TV, reading a book, talking to a friend, listening to music, having sex, all of these things will stop that brain of yours from doing the negative circle dance and give you a break. And, even if the break is just for a short time, it will be a break. Just like taking a break when you are climbing a mountain, that mind break will help you manage your depression before it sucks you dry.

#5 – Get some help.

One of the most important parts of managing depression is to know when you need to get some help.

If you were depressed before all of this started and you find yourself sinking deeper into it, it might be time to call your doctor. Doctors are doing video consultations so perhaps you should call yours and tell them what is going on.

If feeling depressed is new for you, try to do some of the items above and see if they help. If you find that you aren ‘ t getting better, contacting your doctor would be a good idea. They might be able to give you additional support to get you through these times.

Depression can take its toll if it is left unmanaged. Don ‘ t let your depression take over your life. Make sure that you get some help if you need some.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order is something that is way more prevalent than anyone of us would like.

Fortunately, there are ways to manage it. Take stock of what you do have, know and believe that this crisis will end, get some Vitamin D and keep that mind of yours busy.

Most importantly, if you find that your depression is getting worse, that you find that you can ‘ t get out of bed and that you are full of hopelessness and despair, call your doctor. Get some help. This is very, very important.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order is not abnormal. Be soft on yourself. Manage it. We can all get through this. Together, and apart.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed during the stay home order.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Reasons Why Your Dating Anxiety is on HIGH During Social Distancing

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If there is one consistent theme in the sessions I am having with my clients is that their dating anxiety has been ramped up to HIGH during this period of coronavirus and social distancing.

Dating is hard enough. Dating at a distance takes it to a whole different level.

Let me explain why.

#1 – How do you follow your gut?

In my experience, I have found that one of the most difficult things about online dating is that, until you actually come face to face with someone, it ‘ s hard to really know how you feel about them.

When I was dating, before I knew better, I would spend weeks talking to someone I connected with online. And, as time went on, I found myself become attached to them. And then, when I met them, the attraction just wasn ‘ t there.

I hated that. I had really liked this person before we talked and, for whatever reason, once we met, I just didn ‘ t feel it.

That is the theme around dating right now. Unless you met your person before this all started, you don ‘ t really know them and can ‘ t go with your gut.

On the other hand, I have a client who went on one date with a guy right before the lockdown. They really liked each other but haven ‘ t seen each other since because of the social distancing. As a result, she is starting to question whether she did really like him. She still talks to him but without the face to face she is having a hard time connecting the way she did initially.

#2 – It ‘ s all weird.

No matter if you are 25 or 55, you have most likely been on a date before. It usually includes meeting up for a drink or a dinner, small talk, perhaps a walk, or a movie. If things go well, you make plans to do it again. And, hopefully, again.

These days, dating has been turned on its head. The things that we have always done we can ‘ t do anymore. As a result, the actual process of dating has become uncomfortable. As if dating wasn ‘ t difficult enough.

Not only do we need to deal with getting to know someone but we also need to create new ways of doing so. Facetime movies and drinks, walks in the part 6 feet apart, maybe binge watching a show together. And, the hardest of all, trying to find something to talk about that ‘ s not the coronavirus.

So, if your dating anxiety is high, the uncomfortableness of the new normal of dating could be why.

#3 – Hopelessness.

A client of mine is talking to a number of guys, none of whom she has met yet. And while talking to them helps pass the time, she often says to me ‘ ˜what ‘ s the point? ‘

For many of us right now, we just don ‘ t know what the future looks like. We don ‘ t know when and how this craziness will end and, if it does, what life afterwards will look like. Will we have jobs, money, our health, our families and friends? We just don ‘ t know.

That not knowing what the future looks like makes it really hard to imagine having a future with someone. How can you picture and work towards happily ever after with someone if you don ‘ t know if there is even going to be an ever after?

For many people, hopelessness in life and love equals dating anxiety. It ‘ s even worse right now.

#4 – Emotions are running high.

For one of my clients, she said the biggest challenge for her is to ‘ ˜contain the crazy. ‘ I love that phrase.

We are all, to some degree or another, very emotional. When we first start dating we try to contain that emotion somewhat so that we don ‘ t scare our person away. I am not saying we aren ‘ t ourselves but that we do try to not let our emotions get the best of us.

In this day and age, all of our emotions are running high. With the news and the lack of social interaction, the boredom and the monotony, many people are living on the edge of insanity. When we are dating, the edge of insanity is not a good place to be.

For one of my clients, a man she had just started talking with is normally a clinically depressed person. He has been treated for it and generally has it under control. Right now, however, he is really depressed and is having a v

ery difficult time managing it. My client feels badly but she knows that she doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with this guy the way he is.

In regular times, this man ‘ s depression might not have reared its ugly head so quickly and so dramatically and my client might have gotten to know him and love him and understand that depression is just part of who he is.

#5 – Looking for commitment.

One of the most interesting things that I am seeing happening right now is that many people who are newly dating are looking for a commitment unnaturally early.

For those people who are social distancing alone, not having a partner can be especially painful. The idea that everyone else is out there quarantining with their person while they are alone, alone, alone is just too much. As a result, they seek to create a committed relationship out of something that isn ‘ t there yet.

I have a client who has been talking to a guy for about a month. They talk on the phone daily and they have sat at least 6 feet from each other 3 times but that is it. They haven ‘ t touched, they haven ‘ t gone out in public, they haven ‘ t met each other ‘ s friends.

This morning, this guy asked my client if she would go off the dating apps, that he wants them to be in a committed relationship and that she needs to stop talking to her old boyfriend. She said ‘ ˜Wait, what? ‘

In the normal world, this whole scenario most likely would never have happened.

The human need to be coupled up is a significant one and especially during these difficult times. That need to connect is a big reason why dating anxiety is so prevalent and so extreme right now.

Dating is hard and dating anxiety has always a part of it but, because of coronavirus and social distancing, that anxiety is going through the roof for many people.

The new normal of dating and not knowing the future is so uncomfortable, it ‘ s hard to follow your gut, to control emotions that are running high and manage the politics of being single make what has always been a thing fraught with stuff, something even harder.

I know that it ‘ s hard but I would encourage you to take stock of what I have said and persevere nonetheless. This WILL be over someday and when it is, wouldn ‘ t it be nice to find love again for the summer?

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with dating anxiety.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you topple over the edge.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How Defining Relationship Expectations Can Keep Yours Healthy

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As we are all learning, relationships can be sorely tested by the stay at home measures being recommended during this coronavirus pandemic. What I know, however, is that defining relationship expectations NOW can keep relationships healthy and can possibly help mend damaged ones and help move them forward stronger than ever.

In these modern days, establishing expectations at work is something that is done as a matter of course but, unfortunately, establishing relationship expectations is not so common. Why, I don ‘ t know, because not having expectations around anything is a recipe for things to go awry.

So why does defining relationship expectations make such a difference, especially in these scary times?

#1 – Everyone knows what to expect.

One of the key reasons why defining relationship expectations now are so important is that everyone knows what to expect.

Think about work – when you start a project the first thing that is laid out is the participation expectations of everyone on the team. That way, as the project moves forward, everyone knows what their role is which, in turn, ensures that the project will be a success.

In a relationship, things work the same way. If you both can define what your expectations are then your relationship has a better chance of staying healthy.

In my relationship our expectations are as follows:

*I will decide what we are going to eat and I will cook and he will do the dishes, preferable right after dinner but that is negotiable.

*We will take a walk together every day, no excuses.

*I won ‘ t blurt out horrible things that I read in the news without his permission.

*He gets 2 hours in the garage daily to putter.

*I get a footrub 4 nights a week.

These are the things that are most important to us and that we both expect from our relationship. Imagine if we didn ‘ t understand each other ‘ s expectations, if he didn ‘ t do the dishes and I just blurted out horrible news. How quickly would we get upset with each other? How quickly would our nerves begin to fray?So, take the time and talk to your partner about your expectations, both around the coronavirus and big picture. It will be worth it, I promise.

#2 – You can start with honesty.

Every healthy relationship is built on honesty and defining expectations is an important part of being honest.

A client of mine is full of resentment around what her husband does and doesn ‘ t do around the house. The problem is, she has never told him what she wants him to do – she just expects that he will figure it out. As a result, she passive aggressively nudges him to do what she wants him to do. And it pisses him off that she isn ‘ t direct and that makes it more likely that he won ‘ t get it done.

He tells me that if she were just honest with him about what she wanted done, and he was able to be honest with her about what he could do, they would be able to navigate all of this much better and eliminate the underlining tension that always exists in their household.

So, be honest with your partner about what you want so that you can include it in your expectations. Even if your partner isn ‘ t sure he can meet the expectation, you have put it out there honestly so that you can discuss it.

#3 – You can better manage disagreements.

Let ‘ s say that my boyfriend fails to do the dishes after agreeing that that was my expectation. Now imagine my client ‘ s husband failing to do the dishes because he doesn ‘ t know that he is expected to do them.

Now picture whose argument around the dishes would be loudest and longest? If my boyfriend knowingly didn ‘ t do the dishes it would be hard for him to argue that I was being unreasonable and difficult. He would, hopefully, acknowledge that he dropped the ball and we would move on with our day.

The fight that would ensue, or the extended simmering anger, if my client ‘ s husband didn ‘ t do the dishes would be something that would not be easily managed. That she didn ‘ t ask for what she wanted and he didn ‘ t do it on his own would just lead to disagreement that has probably happened before. A disagreement that will never be settled and would lead to more issues down the road.

#4 – You can celebrate when things go right.

One of the nicest things about setting expectations is that, when they are met, we have an opportunity to thank each other and celebrate. Because these expectations are met, we know when our needs are being honored and that makes us feel happier and more secure in our relationship.

When my boyfriend gets to have his 2 hours in the garage, even if I wanted him to help me in the garden, he is a happy camper. He not only gets his time on his own but that he gets to do so makes him love me even more. And when he is that happy, my footrubs are much longer.

So, while setting expectations can be difficult at first, when they are stuck to, good things can be the result.

#5 – You can be hopeful.

People say that divorce attorneys are experiencing higher than normal inquiries into their services.

Couples who were previously able to ignore their marital issues because the busyness of their lives are now unable to do so. As a result, problems that were long simmering are rearing their ugly heads.

Imagine if you and your partner were able to sit down and define what you both wanted during this extended period together. Imagine if, instead of resenting each other for the things that haven ‘ t been done, you are honest with each other about what you need and you are so happy when those needs are met. Imagine how that would serve to not only heal a relationship but also to give it hope for the future.

I know that for years, my biggest resentment around my ex-husband was that he started projects that he never finished. Our garage was filled with Home Depot bags full of parts that were never actually used. I so wish that I had, even once, spoken up around my struggles with all of those Home Depot bags. If I had asked him directly to finish a project before he started another one, who knows, it might have saved my marriage.

I would encourage you, in this time of isolation, to work on sharing what you both want in a relationship and see if you can work together to give each other those things. If you can do this, instead of repeating old patterns that are tearing you apart, something really good could come from this current crisis – a relationship strong and healthy and a family intact.

Defining relationship expectations can seem kind of contrived and unromantic but doing so can make a huge difference in a couple ‘ s happiness.

But setting expectations, ones that you both are aware of and have agreed to, can go a long way towards healing a damaged relationship and preventing a healthy one from getting damaged.

So be honest, stop the fighting, celebrate taking care of each other and be hopeful for the future.

I know it might seem daunting but you can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want to break up proof your relationship

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Why Letting Go Of Love That Hurts May Be Painful But Necessary

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Are you really struggling with a toxic relationship and wondering if letting go of love that hurts might be the right thing to do?

Does the thought of ending it fill you with pain and despair because you know how hard it will be to break away from your person? Are you worried that if you leave this person you will never love or be loved again?

Unfortunately, it is these two thoughts that keep people in relationships that are painful and toxic. I am here to tell you that getting out of them, while it might be painful, is the best chance that you have at happiness.

How? Let me share.

#1 – Toxic relationships are distracting.

A big reason why letting go of love that hurts is essential for a good life is that being in a toxic relationship can make it hard to focus at work and in life.

How much time do you think about your relationship? Do you find it hard to concentrate at work because you are replaying the fight you had over the weekend?

Do you find yourself sitting in your car, wondering what would be next for you if you left your person, only to find that twenty minutes has passed and you had no idea?

Is getting dinner and helping with homework more than you can handle somedays because you are so preoccupied with the pain you are in?

Being in a toxic relationship can make it impossible to be present in your everyday life. Letting go of love that hurts is exactly what you need to do before obsessing about it gets in the way of your job or your kids ‘ mental health.

#2 – You are not healthy.

In many ways, being in a toxic relationship is worse than pneumonia or the flu.

When you are deeply unhappy, your health will deteriorate. Your obsessive thoughts might keep you up nights and you might not be sleeping well. Depression might be preventing you from getting outside and interacting with friends. You might be eating too much, or too little, not nourishing your body the way you should.

If you are in a toxic relationship, one that is causing you nothing but pain, letting go of love that hurts might be exactly what you need to regain your health.

Imagine spending the rest of your life living with this unhealthy behavior? Can you imagine how that would feel? Not so good I am guessing.

#3 – True love will be elusive.

If you are wasting your time staying in a toxic relationship because you fear the hurt that you will feel, or the hurt that you will cause another person, know that staying in this relationship will guarantee that you will never find the person who will love you truly.

If every moment of your day is spent obsessing about how unhappy you are or how much you want out of this relationship, you will have no energy to put out to the world to attract happiness. Instead, you will attract nothing but darkness because like attracts like.

And, obviously, if you are in a relationship, the chances of you finding another relationship are virtually zero.

Letting go of love that hurts might be painful in the moment, and maybe for a few moments, but if you can get away from this toxic relationship you have a much better chance of finding the love that you want and deserve.

#4 – It will be good for your person.

I remember when I was married and I was brutally unhappy, whenever I considered leaving my husband part of what I considered was that it would be better for him if we were apart.

I knew that he was as unhappy as I was and I knew that if I could let him go he would have a chance at true happiness. Me letting him go would be the best thing for him.

I couldn ‘ t do it, however, because the thought of him with someone else filled me with too much pain.

But think about your person. You loved them once and might love them still. Would the best thing for them to be out of this never-ending toxicity and be given a chance to be happy? Even if it ‘ s painful for you, might it be the right thing for them?

Think about it.

#5 – You will get to know yourself again.

One of the best things of letting go of love that hurts is that, in doing so, you will get to know and love yourself again.

For many of us who have been in toxic relationships, whether short or long, we often lose a piece of ourselves.

I was in a relationship with a man for about a year. We loved each other very much but our relationship was fraught with issues. I wanted to end it but he wouldn ‘ t let me go so I kept on coming back to him, even if I knew it wasn ‘ t good for me.

At the end of the year, I found that I was a shell of the person I was when we met. A year of not taking care of myself, of being consumed with someone who wasn ‘ t treating me well, of having my needs ignored and debasing myself by staying had rendered me someone I couldn ‘ t even recognize.

When I finally got the nerve to leave him, and stay away from him, for good, I was finally able to get to know myself again. To remember that I was the kind of person who had a lot to give to the world and that there were a lot of people who loved me. I had forgotten about that person and I was so glad to have her back.

Do you know who you are today? Wouldn ‘ t you love to get to know, and love, yourself again?

Letting go of love that hurts can be one of the hardest things that you can do.

Loving someone means you give your heart and your hope for the future over to another person. Unfortunately, love isn ‘ t perfect and sometimes relationships just aren ‘ t meant to be.

If your relationship is making you unhappy, it ‘ s time to walk away. If you do, you will get healthier, you will be able to focus again and you will get to know yourself. Your person will be happier and you will be able to finally find true love.

How great would that be?

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with letting go of love that hurts.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Know About Surviving Internet Infidelity

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Have you recently (or not so recently) discovered that your partner is having an affair online and are looking to understand if and how surviving internet infidelity is possible?

Are you wondering if internet infidelity is worse than in person?

Internet infidelity is a relatively new phenomenon. The degrees of online infidelity range from simply consistent chatting with someone to regular, intense intimate sharing. Both of them can be considered infidelity.

It ‘ s important that you examine your feelings around what has occurred to decide how you feel about what your partner has done. Can you ever trust them again? Can you forgive them but not forgive? Is what happened beyond redemption, do you think?

Once you know how you feel, you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or go.

And, either way, you need to start working on surviving internet infidelity so it doesn ‘ t destroy you.

#1 – Let go of self-blame.

Do you blame yourself that your partner strayed? Do you think that if you had only been nicer or funnier or skinnier or had more sex with them that they wouldn ‘ t have cheated on you?

Do you chide yourself for being so clueless that you didn ‘ t see the signs, that you missed the fact that your partner was stepping out on you?

Let me tell you, your partner ‘ s infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but it doesn ‘ t happen because of things that you didn ‘ t do. More often than not, infidelity is something that happens not because someone seeks it out but because two people meet and there is an attraction that proves irresistible.

Blame is a double-edged sword but if anyone must be blamed it ‘ s those who couldn ‘ t resist, who proved weak in the face of temptation and who lied to you over and over.

I know it ‘ s hard but work hard to not blame yourself because you are not to blame.

#2 – Accept your feelings.

Do you find yourself struggling with a wide range of emotions?

Do you find yourself crying one minute, raging another, way too happy and then back to the tears? Do you find yourself sitting in the car looking out the window only to realize that an hour has passed?

People whose partner have strayed struggle with unstable emotions and disorientation. The pain that has been caused them is so extreme that it can render their emotions uncontrollable. Because of the power of these emotions, our brain can get overwhelmed and disorientation is the result.

Time will help with emotions that are out of control – they are strongest right after the pain is caused but they dissipate as time goes on. Often times, without help, they don ‘ t go away completely but they can, at the very least, be managed. And when managed, the disorientation will be resolved.

For now, have awareness that the wide range of emotions that you are struggling with are completely natural. Chiding yourself for feeling them, for not staying calm, for being angry with life and at the same so very sad will only make the emotions worse. Furthermore, not pushing the feelings down but letting yourself feel them and letting them go is the best way to work through them in a productive way.

Accepting and feeling your emotions as a part of the healing process will allow them to help you do that – heal.

#3 – Manage those intrusive thoughts.

Do you find yourself obsessing over and over with the images of your partner committing infidelity? Do you regularly chide yourself for missing the signs? Do you question your self-worth and wonder if you are worthy of love? Do you spend more time in your head than you do in the now, living your life?

Unfortunately, our powerful brain – the thing that distinguishes us from every other animal in the world – can also be our worst enemy. Our brain loves to run negative tapes over and over, tapes that serve to reinforce all of the bad thoughts that we have about ourselves, our loved one and our lives.

These negative thoughts don ‘ t serve us in any way and can actually make healing more difficult.

There are ways to deal with these intrusive thoughts. The first it to start having awareness that the thoughts are just that, intrusive and not necessarily productive. Next, accept that the thoughts are not serving you but that they should not be chased away. Let these thoughts float through your head and don ‘ t try to analyze them or give them any power. And then let them go.

It ‘ s also important to remember that the thoughts will probably come back and that you will have to practice this awareness over and over. Ultimately, with time, those intrusive thoughts will dissipate.

Another useful tool for reducing the power of intrusive thought is by doing something that will occupy your brain. Yoga and meditation are excellent tools for managing intrusive thoughts but reading, TV and sleep also work. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break from those thoughts, even for a little while, will help you manage them and reduce their effect on you.

#4 – Work to trust again.

Many people who are trying to understand surviving online infidelity find that they have developed significant trust issues.

When the person who we love the most, on whom we have put all of our hopes and dreams, who we trust more than anyone else, betrays us then our place in the world is profoundly affected. Instead of believing in the best in people we are instead left believing that people are ultimately evil and that trusting ourselves and our emotions to anyone will only cause us pain.

It is important, when your partner has been unfaithful, that you spend as much time as possible with those who love you and those you can trust. One person has betrayed your trust, not everyone, and being reminded of that regularly will help restore your faith in people.

With time, and help, you will learn that trusting people is possible and that even that person who betrayed your trust might be worthy of it again.

#5 – Know that you will be okay.

Are you struggling with the belief that nothing will ever be the same again? That happiness will be forever out of reach, that you will never love again and that life can not possibly go on? Are you feeling completely hopeless by the prospect of your future?

It is important that you understand the nature of hopelessness around online infidelity. For many people, their partners cheating can lead to depression and, when we are depressed, the belief that anything will ever be okay again is inconceivable. When we are depressed we are simply incapable of believing that life will get better.

But, let me promise you that, with time and treatment, the feeling of depression and hopelessness will fade. Life does go on, you will love again and that happiness will once again be yours.

Again, spending time with people who love you is an excellent way to manage the hopelessness. You might not believe them in the moment but having people remind you that you will get through this and that life will go on is an essential part of the healing process.

Surviving online infidelity is definitely possible. People do it every day.

What has happened to you has been traumatic and you fear for your future but, with awareness and acceptance, you can move forward and be happy again.

If you are blaming yourself, work hard to let that go. If your thoughts and your emotions are swinging back and forth, know that they are there and that they are causing trouble. Feel them and let them go. Spend time with people you love and trust to learn that you can trust again. And believe in your future.

If you find that you can ‘ t manage your feelings around this and that you aren ‘ t surviving online infidelity in a healthy way, considering consulting a therapist or a life coach. Sometimes professional help is important to get through trauma like this.

Know that time is the ultimate healer. I know it ‘ s hard to believe it now but, as time goes on, you will feel better. Life will be worth living again. The pain might not be gone but it will be less and it will be manageable.

For now, keep your head up, believe that the future is there, accept where you are right now and get some help.

You will get through this, I promise. You will love and be loved again.

 

Do youwantto know more about surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, before it ‘ s too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

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