5 Essential Boundaries That Can Help A Marriage Survive Infidelity

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Infidelity can rock even the most stable marriage. Fortunately, there are 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity.

To understand relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds the pieces of your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Establishing boundaries in your marriage when you are working through infidelity is an excellent way to help you get on with the healing and create a healthy, infidelity-proof, marriage.

So, what are the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity?

#1 – There can be no contact. None.

The number one essential boundary, the one without which any efforts to survive the infidelity will be ineffective, is that the cheater have no contact with the person with whom they were having an affair. This means no phone calls, no texting, no in-person contact and no following on social media. None.

Unless the cheater can break the tie that binds the two lovers together, there is no chance that the marriage can survive. The things that initially brought the two together are things that still exist and those things are strong and compelling. If the cheater is allowed to continue that attachment, it will leave no room for the married couple to get closer again.

So, set a boundary that the cheater will no longer be in contact with their lover and, if necessary, set up systems whereby the betrayed partner can be assured that, in fact, the contact is not happening.

If your partner won ‘ t agree to going no contact, I would encourage you to walk away and start living life on your own.

#2 – A promise of openness.

One of the most interesting things that I have discovered in my work with spouses who have been betrayed in their marriage is the fact that they are eager to know all of the details around the affair. How it started, where the lovers met, what was the sex like, why didn ‘ t it end. All of these things, partners are eager to know. And they are details that cheaters are loathe to share.

While I personally believe that having all of this information isn ‘ t necessarily going to help a couple in the healing process, many people can not move forward without the details. Unfortunately, many of the betrayers do not want to share the gory details with their spouses.

Many cheaters are filled with shame and remorse about what they did and the prospect of sharing the details with their spouses only reinforces that shame. Because of this, many cheaters refuse to get into details and, instead, shut down and/or get angry with their spouses. As you can imagine, this behavior does not aid in the healing process.

It is important that, if your spouse wants the details, that you be willing to share them. Doing so will allow your partner to stop running negative tapes in their head, ones that are perhaps false, and allow them to start moving forward. Furthermore, it will go a long way towards restoring trust because the partner will know that the cheater is willing to give them the information that they need.

#3 – No passive aggression.

Many people who have been cheated on are very angry. Deeply angry, betrayed and hurt. And, for many people, conveying that anger and hurt in a productive way is impossible. Instead, their anger comes out as passive aggression and that doesn ‘ t help anybody.

The definition of passive aggressive behavior ‘ ˜is a way to express feelings of anger or annoyance, but in a non-forthcoming way. Instead of communicating openly, people who engage in this type ofbehaviorshare their negative feelings through actions. ‘

What might passive aggression look like? Snide comments about the affair, unkind asides about the integrity of their partner, slamming doors, damaging property, being unkind and unsupportive etc.

Passive aggressive behaviors only serve to prolong the anger and slow the healing. Instead of practicing passive aggressive behaviors, I encourage spouses to speak their anger out loud. Of course, they can yell (which can be good as it releases pent up energy) but the best way to do so is to express your anger in a tempered way so that your partner truly understands how you feel.

#4 – Keep what happened private.

For a client of mine, after she confronted her husband about his cheating, he right away deleted the emails that she had discovered. Why did he do that? Because he was worried that his wife was going to share the emails with all of her friends so that they could analyze them together. He didn ‘ t want the embarrassment and wanted to keep it between them so he deleting the emails.

He was right – his wife would definitely have shared those email with her friends. And it wouldn ‘ t have helped anything.

For many women, the need to discuss what happened with a close friend or confident is compelling. I am not saying that they shouldn ‘ t do that but I do think that it ‘ s important that they do so with only one person and that the affair not be shared with the wider social group. Having people discuss a couple ‘ s private life, to get themselves involved where they shouldn ‘ t and perhaps breed a taking of sides, will only serve to magnify what happened and stop the healing from happening.

Instead of sharing the affair with people outside of the partnership, I would encourage people to consult professionals to process what has happened, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through the infidelity without an agenda, using learned skills to help you heal.

#5 – Agree to seek help.

The last of the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity is the agreement to seek help.

When there is infidelity, a couple trying to save their marriage is in uncharted waters. Because they have never been through this before they have no idea what to do and none of the necessary skills. It is important that they are willing to seek help to process what has happened and gain skills to work through it.

Often times, after infidelity, one partner is willing to get therapy but the other partner wants to work through it alone, or ignore it all together. ‘ Why can ‘ t we just move on? ‘ they say. But, if your partner isn ‘ t willing to agree to seek help then the chances of surviving infidelity, and truly find yourself back to each other as a couple, could be less than none.

So, as soon as you can, before bad habits set in, I would encourage couples to seek help. I believe that couples therapy is essential but that individual therapy is an excellent idea as well. The cheater will need to process what happened and their guilt around it. The partner will need to work through their feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. If they do their individual work, the more successful their work together will be.

Now that you know the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity you can start working together towards saving your marriage.

Couples must commit to working through the aftermath of an affair together. The knowledge and acceptance of certain skills and behaviors is the key to making it happen.

Agree that there will be no contact, that the betrayed partner can ask questions without being met with anger and silence, that there will be no passive aggression but meaningful expression of emotions, that what happened will remain private and that professional help will be sought.

Many, many couples can, and do, survive infidelity but to do so they must work together with the goal in mind of getting through this and establishing a healthier relationship.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be eager to fix your marriage after infidelity.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

Why Ignoring Relationship Expectations is a Recipe for Disaster

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If there is one single thing that could destroy your relationship its ignoring relationship expectations. If you and your partner set expectations for your relationship and one or both of you ignore them, your relationship will suffer and, most likely, fail.

Relationship expectations can, and should, be set by couples when they are in a relationship. Expectations are things that each couple needs to feel loved and respected. When my boyfriend and I started dating, I asked that he do his best to do what he said he would do. He asked me to respect the importance of him having a car project going at all times. We both accepted these expectations, or conditions, and we have both worked hard to meet them. It wasn ‘ t always easy but it works.

I can promise you that, if we ignored these expectations, our relationship would be in shambles.

So, why does ignoring relationship expectations spell out disaster for relationships? Here are 5 reasons why.

#1 – It causes lost of trust.

When people are ignoring relationship expectations that have been defined and set by two people, one of the reasons that it is a recipe for disaster is because of the trust that is lost when one person doesn ‘ t respect the other ‘ s needs.

When I was married, once the children were born, it was very important to me that my husband get home in time for dinner. We had talked about how important is was for both of us to have a family dinner and, as a result, we agreed that him getting home on time was important.

Unfortunately, work often got in the way. He would be absorbed in what he was doing and couldn ‘ t break free or his boss would stop him in the parking lot and need to talk about something or a co-worker would need him right then and there. And those excuses are reasonable but they soon became the norm and not the exception.

As my ex had an increasing tendency to be late for dinner, my trust in his willingness to meet my expectation that he get home for dinner on time was lost. Because I didn ‘ t trust him around this expectation, I struggled to trust him around other expectations. And the less I didn ‘ t trust him the harder I was on him and the harder I was on him the less motivated he was to meet my expectations.

Losing trust because of ignoring relationship expectations was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

#2 – It means guessing which can wreck havoc.

Many of my female clients, and friends, often say to me ‘ ˜If he loved me, he would know what I want. I shouldn ‘ t have to tell him. ‘ This, I tell them, is a pipe dream and not setting clear expectations, but instead asking them to figure them out, is a recipe for disaster.

Think about that time you tried to make your wife happy by taking out the garbage and doing the recycling on the weekend. You do those things because you want to make your wife happy and you feel like you are doing your part. Unfortunately, while she appreciates your efforts, it might not be the expectation that she has about the weekend.

Perhaps she wanted to be able to go for a walk with friends and have you stay home with the children. Or perhaps she wanted to do something with you. Whatever it is was, if you ignored it, or didn ‘ t remember it, she will feel let down and unloved.

This paradox happens in the other direction, of course, that a woman is ignoring relationship expectations that she and her husband have agreed on but, in many cases, women are more intuitive and can anticipate what her man needs and make it happen.

So, if you are struggling to meet your relationship expectations, talk to your partner and make sure you know exactly what each one of you needs so that you don ‘ t have to guess. Guessing just doesn ‘ t work.

#3 – It causes pain.

Unfortunately, ignoring relationship expectations can be disastrous because, when we do so, we can cause our partner significant pain.

For many people, having their expectations met equals being loved. If one person is repeatedly not meeting their partner ‘ s expectations that person will start to feel not loved. They will believe that their partner no longer cares for them enough to be concerned about what they want and they will be devastated.

That being said, if your partner isn ‘ t meeting your expectations regularly and you are starting to feel hurt and unloved, it is important to take a look at your relationship. You can identify if perhaps your partner has pulled away and might not in fact love you and want to meet your expectations. They are scared to say they are done and they, most likely subconsciously, use their actions to express what they feel.

Either way, ignoring relationship expectations and letting your partner down can cause a lot of hurt, hurt that could end the relationship.

#4 – It breeds resentment.

Resentment, and the contempt that often results from resentment, is one of the biggest killers in a relationship.

When a person finds that their expectations are no longer being met or, even worse, being ignored, then they will start to get resentful. The hurt and lack of trust caused by their partners actions, will build up over time until the relationship between the two people becomes full of anger and misery.

Know that ignoring relationship expectations can lead to two of the biggest destructive forces in a relationship, resentment and contempt. Once those things become part of a relationship, they are hard to let go of and they will eventually destroy it.

#5 – It renders someone irrelevant.

When my ex regularly didn ‘ t come home for dinner on time, I used to tell him that if he was my employee, I would fire him. He was consistently letting me down and not only interfering with our family dinners but also causing me a significant amount of pain because I didn ‘ t feel important to him. That pain was unbearable at times.

Over the years, as I was more and more let down by his struggle with getting home on time and completing other expectations that we had set, I eventually started not counting on him at all. We would have dinners without him, I would hire people to do chores that he didn ‘ t have time for and I wouldn ‘ t include him in things that I knew he would struggle with attending.

His actions had, I said, rendered him irrelevant. Our marriage didn ‘ t last much longer after that.

Ignoring relationship expectations can be a recipe for disaster and if you can work hard to not do so you will be going a long way towards keeping your relationship healthy.

It is very important that relationship expectations are defined and, if they don ‘ t happen, that couples return to the discussion and see what they can do to shift the expectations to suit everyone.

I know now that my ex and I weren ‘ t good at redefining expectations when they weren ‘ t met and that there were things that we both struggled with that made it hard to manage expectations in a healthy way. He struggled with ADD and I struggled with depression and our, as I like to say, baggage didn ‘ t match. Unfortunately, we figured out these issues too late to save our marriage

So, if your partner is having a hard time meeting your expectations, try to understand that it might not be because he or she doesn ‘ t love you but because they have issues that make it very difficult to meet them.

On the other hand, if your partner is ignoring relationship expectations it might be a good time to take a good hard look at the why. Is it that they want to meet them and struggle to or that they really don ‘ t care anymore? Looking at those things will help you figure out the next steps in your relationship whether you want to move forward together or leave the relationship so that you can find a partner who is more suited.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with relationship expectations.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Why Won’t He Let Me Go?

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Are you in a relationship with a guy who you know isn ‘ t all in?

Does he tell you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but does he still want to spend time with you and have sex with you and hang out with your friends?

Does he tell you, and sometimes show you, that he really likes you but he just doesn ‘ t like you ‘ ˜like that? ‘

Do his actions leave you absolutely dumbfounded as to how he is feeling? Do you feel like you are a yo-yo, someone who is being constantly pushed away and then pulled back in? Are you starting to lose your mind, wondering why, if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship, does he stick around?

There are a number of reasons why a guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship. Here are a few of them.

#1 – Loneliness.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, one of the reasons that he won ‘ t let you go is that he is lonely.

Why would he choose to be alone if he knows that you are ready and available to hang out with him whenever he feels lonely? I mean, he likes hanging out with you, so why not?

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to have a relationship with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that might be left in your absence, he keeps you around so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably are willing to stay because you don ‘ t enjoy being alone either.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he isn ‘ t all in, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – Insecurity.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. He keeps hanging around, hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move in that direction.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you around without a commitment could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date is daunting and, as a result, he stays, knowing that you are into him and that will make him feel better about himself. At your expense.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why isn ‘ t willing to let you go.

#3 – Sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go, he could very well be doing so just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘ This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might still want her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy stays around, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – Habit.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about relationships is the habits that they create.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

If your guy tells you he wants to spend time with you but doesn ‘ t want a relationship it ‘ s often because of habits that you have developed together, doing things together that you both enjoy.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go. As a result, he won ‘ t let you go, which only leaves you confused and upset.

#5 – Options.

For many guys who say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship but aren ‘ t willing to let you go, they do so so that they can keep their options open.

Yes, they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you but they like hanging out with you well enough so they continue to do so. But, by telling you they aren ‘ t interested in a relationship, they can keep their options in case someone else comes along.

Imagine if your guy meets someone else and you find out. When you call him on it he says ‘ ˜but we aren ‘ t in a relationship. ‘ And, this being true, in fact this being declared, will allow him to move on with absolutely no guilt. If you aren ‘ t in a relationship then he believes that he has done nothing wrong and push you away.

And, while this is technically true, hopeful you will be left devastated!

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you move on, your life can quickly become harder than it would be if he would just disappear altogether.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look why your guy might be hanging around. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit or he because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he is using you as a place filler until he finds someone better.

Ultimately, if your guy says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, believe him. Guys who want to be in a relationship will pursue you until they win you or they will walk away. Guys who are existing in this grey area between relationship and friendship are guys who will never commit to you.

It ‘ s up to you to walk away and look for someone who will recognize how amazing you are and embrace a relationship with you as the best thing that could ever happen to him.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really really confused about your relationship.

Let me help you, NOW, before you get really hurt.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong When You Are Depressed

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Can it be challenging to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?

Absolutely yes!

I know because I have been there…

I have struggled with depression for my whole life. 55 years. For a long time, I didn ‘ t have a name for why I always felt so hopeless and full of despair. I just lived with it.

And then I got married. And he had to live with it too. It was not fun. And we ended up divorcing.

Fortunately, since then I have learned a few things because now I have a new boyfriend and I don ‘ t want to history to repeat itself.

Keeping your relationship strong when you are depressedcan be very difficult but I am here to tell you that relationships don ‘ t have to self-destruct because of it.

What can you do?

#1 – Pay attention.

Those of us wholive with depression can usually tell when it hits. Simple tasks that just the day before were easy to do become difficult. Sleep is elusive. We are short tempered and crabby. Each of us manifests depression differently but usually we know when we are experiencing it.

Keeping in touch with your depression and sharing its presence with your partner is very important. Don ‘ t just expect your partner to guess that you are depressed. They might not recognize the signs and might not respond to your new mood and that could lead to some big problems between the two of you.

Before my diagnoses, I didn ‘ t tell my husband when I felt depressed because I often didn ‘ t recognize it. I was just crabby and mean and not fun to be around. And I expected him to fight through all of that and make an effort to make me feel better. Of course, he couldn ‘ t. He thought I was just being mean and crabby and he wanted nothing to do with me. If only I had told him what was going on, if I had recognized what was going on, perhaps he would have had some sympathy and given me what I needed.

So, when depression hits, be clear about it. You and your partner have a bit of a battle ahead. Together.

#2 – Communicate.

Even the most sympathetic of partners doesn ‘ t really understand what depression is like unless they suffer from it themselves. Because of this, it ‘ s important to try to teach them what depression looks like for you.

When we first talked about my depression, my message for my new boyfriend was 1) you haven ‘ t caused this and 2) you can ‘ t fix it and 3) I can ‘ t just suck it up and feel better. For me, it was essential that he knew these three things to be true.

Next, I explained to him what my depression looked like. That when I was depressed I felt like I had a gorilla on my back. Moving around, getting things done, communicating effectively, all required such a herculean effort that I could barely manage. When I was depressed I was exhausted, easily angered, prone to long bouts of crying. Going to work, seeing his family, taking care of myself, all filled me with such an overwhelming sense of dread that I couldn ‘ t bear it.

So, when you ARE NOT depressed, take some time and share your experience with your partner. The better understanding they have of your depression the more likely you can keep your relationship strong when you are depressed.

#3 – Plan ahead.

A key part of dealing with depression for me, and for my boyfriend, is that I was able to, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I needed when I was depressed. I knew from experience what I needed to get through my depression. Sharing it with my partner was key.

For me, when I get depressed I need four things: to get outside, to sleep, Pad Thai and sex. I knew that those things would not cure my depression but that they made living with it easier.

So, when I WAS NOT depressed, my boyfriend and I made a plan for what to do when I was. We would let me sleep in, go for a hike, get Pad Thai, have sex and send me back to sleep. We would do that, or some variation of that, to stay connected while I was depressed and help me get through it.

What we also agreed was that he wouldn ‘ t try to fix it. Many people want to fix things. You can ‘ t fix depression. Accepting that was a great way for my boyfriend to manage when I was depressed because he wasn ‘ t constantly frustrated, searching for ways to help me.

#4 – Support your partner.

So, you have talked to your partner about your depression and made a plan for what you need when you are in it. Both of those things are great. Proactive. Good for you.

Sometimes, however, those things just don ‘ t work and you are both miserable. You are short tempered and difficult and not fun to be with.

At times like that, let your partner go. Let them go about their day, guilt free. The last thing in the world you want to do is tether someone you love to your depression.

Encourage your partner to go do something they love instead of hang around being miserable with you. If you let them do this they will come home refreshed and better able to support you. And they might even bring you some Pad Thai.

#5 – Agree to get help.

One of the hardest things for someone who loves someone with depression is their sense of helplessness. They know that there is nothing that they can do to help their partner get out of this dark place. And that sense of helplessness can tear relationships apart.

What can you do? You can agree to seek help dealing with your depression. That help can be what you want it to be: medication, yoga, therapy. Whatever works for you.

It is important, to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed, to know that the depression isn ‘ t something that will be ignored but that needs to be addressed head on. That it is something that you can both learn to deal with and take on together. As a couple.

Get some help. Both for you and for the one you love.

It can be extremely difficult to keep a relationship strong when you are depressed.

Depression can have a devastating effect on relationships. It doesn ‘ t have to be a death knell, however. Somerelationships can actually thrive when couples tackle depression together.

Share with your partner what your depression looks like, allow them to fully understand it and share with you the tools you have in place to manage it. Give them the freedom to escape from it for a bit if necessary. But be in it together.

Because if together you can manage depression then there is nothing else that you can ‘ t take on. Together.

You can do this!

Do you want to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Things that Guys Going Through a Break up Need to Do NOW

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Ok, one of the things that isn ‘ t just in the world is that guys going through a break up often have NO idea what to do to get through it and out the other side intact.

I remember my daughter, when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heart broken. I asked her what she told her friend to do. My daughter said ‘ Go eat ice cream. ‘ This from my daughter who had never had a broken heart herself.

The same thing happened with my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That ‘ s it.

Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process break ups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Men, unfortunately, don ‘ t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how, to process their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.

Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a break up can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.

#1 – Feel the pain.

I can ‘ t tell you how many songs I have heard over the years about men who are going through a break up and how they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.

‘ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ‘ is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.

Let me tell you that, while getting under someone else will make you feel better in the moment, really, it ‘ s just a short term fix. Women and whisky will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term but the morning after will be harsh. Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, you will most likely feel worse!

It is important that, if you are going through a break up and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable, and even scary, but it is important that you let it in, feel it and let it go. If you stuff it down it will just get stuck in your body and you will spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren ‘ t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.

I know that the prospect seems scary but, truly, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while it feels horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb and, with treatment, you will get past it. How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Do you still have pain? I am guessing not.

So, for guys going through a break up, know that the pain might be uncomfortable but know that, if you feel it instead of bury it, it will pass.

#2 – Be decisive.

So, you have just broken up with your person or they have broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? Horny?

If you are feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.

What often happens after a break up is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with and the break up creates a void in which you are alone. What also happens is that we are left with more time on our hands and we get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, we might get horny and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.

And, when you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you TRULY want to reunite with them, you will just create more of a mess than already exists. Instead of the clean break that you had, you will get on this cycle of more talks and recriminations and pain.

So, if you are tempted to reach out to your person for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don ‘ t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.

#3 – Take responsibility.

What many of us do when we are in pain is we look to blame someone else. Especially if we know we are wrong, human beings have a hard time taking a good hard look at themselves and truly accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship.

Now I am not saying that you need to take all of the responsibility for the break down of the relationship but I would encourage you to take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.

Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short tempered with her when she interrupted a game? Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end of it all?

It is important to take stock of your role in a break up so that you can learn from it and not do it again. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to bring about change.

If you don ‘ t, you will be destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.

#4 – Open up.

This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a break up to do. What I am going to ask you to do next is find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.

Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside, that sharing their emotions might make them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to keep bottled up, where they never sees the light of day and where they can tend to fester and rot.

When we are struggling with breakups, it ‘ s important that we find one person we can process what we are going through, one person who can listen to us and share perspectives and help us see what went wrong and what you can do differently going forward.

If you have a friend who can play that role, use him or her. If not, find a life coach (like me!) who can help you process what you are feeling and move on!

#5 – Take your time.

As I stated above, jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And, if you start to have sex with random women it could get even worse.

If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship you will simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure. Not only will you cause more pain for yourself but you will also cause pain to another person, perhaps pain like you are feeing right now.

If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people you will only be using those women as a Band-aid for your broken heart. In reality, you will emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself. And, once again, you will be causing other people pain.

As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, I would encourage you to pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you are feeling sad and lonely and eager to pair up again but know that, if you do it too quickly, you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and to ultimately be left alone.

Guys going through a break up sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights – knowing that they are in danger but having no idea how to get through it.

I believe that men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive after but that many of them struggle with how to get actually do it. If you are a guy, reading this article right now, good for you for looking for guidance in how to heal and move on from your break up.

I would encourage you not push past the pain but to feel it, to decide to stay or go and don ‘ t waver, to take responsibility, to find someone to talk to and to not get into a rebound relationship.

I know that you feel really horrible right now but know that, with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away but you will be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness that you have always longed for!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be wanting to get past your broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

How to Let Go of Someone You Love After Infidelity

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Are you wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity, after that certain someone has had an affair?

Do you still love your person but are you unsure if you want to stay or let go of them in light of what they have done?

Are you super confused and overwhelmed and not sure what to do next?

There are some questions that you can ask yourself when you are wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity. Knowing the answers to these questions, the WHY you need to move on, will help you get some clarity on whether truly letting go and moving on is an option for you.

#1 – Can you ever trust them again?

A very large part of being in a healthy relationship is trust. Without trust, a relationship is doomed to fail.

Your person has had an affair. They have violated your trust. Do you think that you can ever learn to trust them again?

Will you be okay when they say they have to work late? Will you always need to check their phone? Will you wonder every time you can ‘ t account for their whereabouts for a few hours? Will you be upset whenever you see them talk to someone of the opposite sex?

The answers to these questions will help you figure out if you need to let go of someone you love after infidelity because if you can ‘ t trust them, ultimately, they will make you supremely unhappy every day because your mind will always be going to dark places, places where you still suspect that your person is doing you wrong again.

So, if you can ‘ t trust your person, letting them go, even if you love them, might be the best thing to do.

#2 – Can you forgive them?

A big part of getting past someone ‘ s affair is to ask yourself if you can forgive them for what they have done.

To forgive an affair involves many pieces. It means accepting that your person is just a person who makes mistakes. It means forgiving yourself for missing the signs and accepting that you are not a fool. It means acknowledging that this is not your fault. It means that your person has taken responsibility for their actions and that they are committed to not doing it again.

There are many pieces to forgiveness and, while it is possible to forgive someone for their infidelity, if you know that you can ‘ t let go of what has happened, if you can ‘ t forgive your partner for their betrayal, then letting them go will be a good idea so that you can both move on.

#3 – Do you want to still be with them?

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you still love your person. My question to you is, do you still like them? Like them enough to want to still be with them?

Many people stay in relationships with people even if they don ‘ t really want to be in relationship with them because they think they must do so. The option of leaving just isn ‘ t an option, for a variety of reasons.

And, if you don ‘ t want to be with someone, if you actively don’t like them, staying with them will just make you miserable. More miserable than leaving.

So, a good way to work towards deciding if you must let go of someone you love after they commit infidelity is to see if you really do want to be with them or you are just holding on to some kind of ‘ ˜should. ‘

#4 – Are you staying with them for the wrong reasons?

This is a very important thing to ask yourself. Why are you choosing to stay with this person? Yes, you love them, but if you feel like you can ‘ t trust them or forgive them then why are you staying?

Are you staying because of your kids, because of finances, because of public perception, because you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in divorce ‘ or you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in giving up? ‘

Are you staying for any reason other than the fact that you believe that you can forgive and trust and move past what has happened?

If the answer is yes, recognize what that thing is and ask yourself if that thing is worse than you being miserable for, perhaps, the rest of your life. Because that ‘ s what staying with them for the wrong reasons will do.

All of those things that are mentioned above are things that can be dealt with. Being miserable for the rest of your life will not be.

#5 – Have you tried everything?

For many people, when they let go of someone they love after infidelity, once they do, they have regrets.

The wonder if they did everything that they could do before they walked away. Did they work to trust and to forgive? Did they perhaps work with a life coach or therapist to process what has happened? Did they try couples counseling to try to work through, together, the issues in the relationship?

If you don ‘ t think that you have tried everything that you need to try before letting go of your someone, consider doing so before walking away.

Regret is a horrible thing and if you are considering letting go of someone you love and you haven ‘ t tried everything, you very well might regret it.

Learning how to let go of someone you love after infidelity is a very important next step in seeking future happiness.

It ‘ s not easy to let go of someone you love, even if they have betrayed you. It is important that you don ‘ t make the decision lightly but that you do so knowing that what you have and haven ‘ t done, what you can and can ‘ t do.

Knowing these things, knowing the WHY you are leaving someone, will make letting them go that much easier.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with whether to let go of someone you love.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

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