5 Everyday Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

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Like most people, you want to keep your relationship healthy but you aren ‘ t really sure what to do.

Gifts? Flowers? Vacations? Backrubs? There are so many options and they seem kind of expensive and a bit overwhelming. Why does having to keep your relationship healthy require so much time and effort?

Gifts, flowers and vacations are nice but, fortunately, there are everyday things that you can do to keep your relationship healthy, little things that make a huge difference in whether your relationship is happy or not.

Let me share 5 of them with you now.

#1 – Eye contact.

When you go to work in the morning and you meet co-workers, do you look them in the eye and wish them a good morning? When you are ordering coffee do your look your barista in the eye and thank them for their service. Of course, you do!

So, if you naturally use eye contact as a source of connection in your life, why wouldn ‘ t you use it in your relationship?

I can ‘ t tell you how many couples I have worked with, ones who are finding themselves disconnected from each other, no longer look each other in the eye. Instead, they occupy with themselves with something suddenly super important if their partner is in the room. They keep their eye on the TV when the other says goodnight. They leave in the morning with a quick peck on the cheek, moving towards the door with haste.

It is literally impossible to remain connected to someone if you don ‘ t look them in the eye. Human beings thrive on eye to eye contact and not having it can not only prevent a relationship from happening but also destroy one that is struggling.

So, when you walk in the house tonight, look your partner in the eye and say hello. Connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care.

#2 – Hugs.

It seems to trivial but hugging your person every day can literally be the thing that will keep your relationship healthy, maybe more than anything else.

Hugs do two things, both of which are important for healthy relationships. Hugs use physical contact to convey caring. Think about how good it feels to get a hug from anyone. Pretty good right? And now imagine a hug from the person you love. Pretty amazing right?

A 10 second hug leads to the production of oxcytocin, the feel good chemical that enhances happiness and fights depression. They say a 10 second hug, once a day, can deepen a couple ‘ s connection in a big way.

Also, hugs are great stress relievers. Holding someone in a firm hug for 20 seconds has been proven to release stress. What a gift that would be – to hug your person and make them feel less stressed out in this stressful world.

So, if you aren ‘ t doing it regularly, hug your person. Its quick and cheap and effective!

#3 – Pay attention.

I know so many women who say to me ‘ Why can ‘ t he just know what I want. Why do I always have to tell him? ‘ If you are a woman you are saying YES. If you are a guy you are saying UGH.

I am afraid that I have to agree with the guys. Women are very good at tuning into each other ‘ s needs but it ‘ s harder for men to do so. As a result, a distance can grow between a man and a woman because opportunities to make each other happy are being missed.

I would encourage both men and women to pay attention to their partner. I would encourage them to note their likes and their dislikes, what makes them happy and sad, what are the things that they enjoy doing, and being done to them.

A person who pays attention is a person who will make their partner feel loved in a big way. Yes, you might not be able to anticipate your person ‘ s every need but if you pay attention you will be able to come pretty darn close.

#4 – Small gestures.

You know the saying ‘ ˜it ‘ s the small things that make the difference? ‘ Take this phrase to heart because it ‘ s true. Small gestures can keep your relationship healthy and humming along

What do I mean by small things? I mean bringing your lady flowers. I mean thanking him for helping you with a task. I mean asking your guy to go for a walk. I mean making a cake for their birthday.

It ‘ s the little things, doing the things that make life a little less dreary and the things that make your person know that you are thinking of them, that will keep your relationship healthy and happy.

#5 – Making time.

One of things that we are lacking most in this modern world is time. Because we are lacking time, for some crazy reason, what goes to the bottom of the priority list is relationships. We willingly give our time to work and to children and to hobbies but we often take our relationships for granted and don ‘ t give them the time they deserve.

So how do you carve out time in this crazy world?

My ex and I always went to bed together. Always. Even when our marriage was falling apart. We would just read side by side and then turn off the light but the time was very intimate and cozy.

Another idea would be getting up early one morning a week for coffee and conversation. Or having a quick drink after work, before the chaos of homework and dinner kicks in. Or taking a walk together. Or getting a sitter and actually going on a date.

Making time seems difficult but, really it isn ‘ t. All you have to do is be aware that it ‘ s important to do so and to make it happen. You can work one half hour less or skip a bike riding day and make your relationship healthier, just like that!

Doing things to keep your relationship healthy doesn ‘ t have to be expensive or time consuming.

It ‘ s the everyday things that can make a huge difference in the health of a relationships, the everyday things that can be forgotten in the midst of the chaos of the modern world.

So, make an effort to make eye contact with your person, maybe before or after a hug. Pay attention to what they might want and need and do small gestures to let them know you are paying attention. And make time for each other. I mean, you do love each other and time spent together isn ‘ t that much of a sacrifice, is it?

Having a healthy relationship is the #1 goal for most people and yet so many relationships are unhealthy. Try some of these everyday things and see the health of your relationship bloom.

You can do it!

Are You In an Emotional Affair? 5 Seemingly Innocent Things that Signal YES

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Are you in a friendship with someone outside of your relationship and are you wondering if you are in an emotional affair. I mean it ‘ s just a friendship, right? How can it be an affair?

For many people, an affair isn ‘ t an affair if there isn ‘ t sex involved. Unfortunately, there is a kind of infidelity where there is no sex but there is something worse – true emotional connection – an emotional affair.

Emotional affairs are, in many ways, more destructive than sexual affairs. Emotional affairs involve having a deep connection with someone who is not your partner, a connection that is hard to walk away from. It involves feelings that are stronger than friendship, feelings that might seem innocent but might actually be leading to something unexpected.

Because there is no sex involved, only emotions, emotional affairs aren ‘ t always easy to identify. Theystart out, more often than not,as a friendship but slowly evolve to something more.

I am guessing if you are reading this article you might be wondering if you are in an emotional affair and how to tell if you are. You might not want to believe you are, because it ‘ s something that you never believed you could do, but it ‘ s important to know the signs so that you can have some awareness as you move forward.

To better understand if you are in an emotional affair, let me tell you 5 seemingly innocent things that you might be doing that will tell you if you are having one.

#1 – Confidences.

More often than not, emotional affairs start with confidences, things that are somewhat intimate which are shared with another person.

A client of mine told me about when her emotional affair started. She was taking a walk and she ran into a married male friend of hers, one that she had known for years. She had been struggling with chronic sadness and she didn ‘ t know what to do about it. She, for some reason, told him. He told her that he, too, had experienced those feelings and that he had just been diagnosed with depression.

So, began their friendship, bound by the admission of depression. Her husband and his wife never understood how their partners could be depressed. Life was good and the kids were thriving – what was there to be depressed about. But they understood each other. They understood that, even though life was good, people get depressed.

As their friendship grew they started sharing more and more with each other, things that they didn ‘ t feel safe sharing with their spouses. They came to believe that the other person understood them in a way that no one else ever had, certainly more than their spouse did. They grew to rely on that friend more and more for support, turning away from their spouse in the process.

Do you share confidences with your friend in a way that you don ‘ t with your partner? Does your friend know things about you that others don ‘ t. Sharing confidences is definitely an indicator that you might be in an emotional affair and you should be aware of it.

#2 – Theneed for contact.

My client shared with me that as their friendship grew, so did their need to be in contact with each other. They worked together so they saw each other frequently but their casual hallway conversations turned into coffees and lunches and cocktails.

She said that the feeling that she got when her phone text alert went off was one of anticipation and excitement. When it was him, she was thrilled. When it wasn’t him, she felt anxious and uneasy, wondering where he was and what he was doing.

The worst, she said, were the weekends when there was no communication at all. She felt like, without her friend to talk to, she was adrift.

Have you found that you have more communication with your friend than you used to? Do you find yourself looking forward to talking to them and being disappointed when you weren ‘ t able to? If yes, you just might be in an emotional affair, whether you want to believe it or not.

#3 – Preoccupation.

My client told me that, as their friendship and connection grew, she found herself having a hard time thinking of things other than the time she spent with her friend.

She would think about him first thing in the morning and she would dress carefully so that when she went into work he might notice. She made herself available at lunch time, distancing herself from her other co-workers. At night, during the family dinner, she found herself unable to focus on her family, thinking instead about her friend and a conversation they shared as they sat next to each other on a bench.

Do you find yourself preoccupied by your friendship with your person? Do you find yourself going out of your way to see them? Do you find yourself having a hard time focusing on other things in your life because of your preoccupation?

If you are, this is a sign of an emotional affair that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

#4 – Hiding things.

When my client first started spending time with this co-worker, she would often tell her husband about their conversations because they were just that, conversations. Conversations that she would have with any other co-worker. When the conversations became more intimate, full of confidences, she stopped telling her husband about them.

She started to lie to her husband about who she had lunch with and who she was texting with and why. She would purposefully not tell him things that she told her friend, wanted to share them with her friend exclusively. She pulled further and further away from her husband and movedtowards her friend.

If you are involved in a friendship and you lie to your partner about it, you are, most likely having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you? Betrayed, I am guessing.

#5 – Physical attraction.

This final sign is one that sneaks up on us.

My client said that after just a few weeks of talking so intimately with her friend she started to feel a deep physical attraction to him. At first, she ignored it, figuring it was a figment of her imagination. This guy was just a friend and having sexual feelings for him was absurd.

But, as the weeks went on, her attraction to him grew. She would find opportunities to touch him whenever she could and when she did she felt an electricity that would move down through her body. It was a feeling that she hadn ‘ t had for years with her husband and the feeling drew her closer, emotionally, to her friend.

Physical attraction isn ‘ t always present during emotional affairs but if you are feeling it, you are definitely more than friends and you should carefully consider your next steps before your friendship gets out of hand.

Knowing the seemingly innocent things that might show that you are in an emotional affair is of vital importance as doing so will help you make conscious choices going forward.

My client said that she never expected the emotional affair to develop. She and her person really were friends and had been for years. For this friendship to grow into what it was surprised and overwhelmed her. And what she realized was that she loved this man and would have walked away from her family because she believed that he was her soul mate. All because of some confidences a few months earlier.

So, take a good look at your friendship with this person. Do you share things with them that you don ‘ t tell anyone else? Do you need to be in regular contact with them or you get anxious? Do you find yourself distracted by thoughts of them and the time you spend together? Are you hiding things from your partner? Are you feeling deep sexual attraction for the first time in years?

All of these things are signs of an emotional affair. Again, I know that you never thought of yourself as a cheater and you definitely didn ‘ t set out for this to happen but emotional affairs creep out of nowhere.

Take some time, right now, to consider if you want this emotional affair to expand into something more. Is itworth blowing up your life for? Whether the emotional affair is in real life or online, it has the power to change your life in a way that might not turn out very well in the end.

 

5 Ways to Make a Difficult Conversation Easy in Your Relationship

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Tonight, I have to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and I was wondering about ways to make a difficult conversation easy.

I was dreading the conversation because he hates to talk about things but there are things that need to be talked about.

I sat here thinking over and over about what to say and how to say it and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, and our marriage, by the end of it. I was petrified.

Fortunately, the life coach in me knows that, while my concerns are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I, and you, do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Stop obsessing.

As I sat there thinking about what tonight was going to look like, I was visualizing all sorts of reactions from my spouse around what I was going to say.I thought about how he would react and what he would say. And then I thought about what I would say next. And then what I might do when he storms off. And what we will do afterwards when it ‘ s time to go to bed.

I ran the scenarios over and over in my head and, for a while, they were all that I could think about. More even than the content of the talk. I just didn ‘ t know what would happen and it worried me.

But I knew that I had to let go of those projected outcomes. I had NO IDEA how he was going to react and to spend even one minuteperseveratingabout how he might was a complete waste of time. And, if I thought about it too much, I knew I would go into the conversation with heightened anxiety, which was sure to sabotage the outcome before I began.

So, I had to let go of these ruminations and go into the conversation with a clear head, willing to accept that whatever happened would happen and that I couldn ‘ t control the outcome.

#2 – Timing is everything.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. If you raise the topic after a really stressful bedtime with the kids or after he has had a disagreement with his mother or when she is exhausted, your conversation could be doomed.

So, choose a time carefully. Tonight is pizza night, no cooking and no dishes, and my spouse is always happiest when there are no dishes. Afterwards, we will go on a walk and he will be relaxed and I will bring up what I want to talk about. Softly.

#3 – Do not go on the offensive.

Your goal in this situation is to make a difficult conversation easy, a conversation that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My partner and I are struggling with a few issues in our relationship. Instead of leading in with all of the things that he is doing wrong, I will ask him if he is happy. Ona scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (hopefully and gradually) get him to open up to me about what is going on with him. From there I can ask him probing questions that will help me understand where he is coming from.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And, certainly, he will not be interested in listening to what I need if I go on the attack right away.

#4 – Do not go on the defensive.

This is so important. We need to be very careful to listen to what we are hearing back from the person with whom weare talking and not immediately start defending ourselves before they are finished. Not only could we get some valuable information but, by letting them know that we are paying attention, we will be more likely to get the outcome that we seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

It’s also important to just listen if that is what your spouse wants. Sometimes, as our spouse tells us what is going on, we do one of two things – we push back and defend the situation or we try to fix it. Sometimes, neither one of those things is what is needed in the moment. Sometimes, our spouse just needs to be heard.

Most importantly, if you want your spouse to start to communicate with you, they need to know they can do so knowing that they will be heard, and not just deflected. Wouldn ‘ t you be way more willing to talk to someone if you knew that you were safe and respected?

So, listen, listen, listen. Don ‘ t go on the defensive. I can guarantee you that your conversation will not be effective if you are the one doing all the talking.

#5 – Be confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my spouse seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always ask my clients to consider ‘What is the worst that can happen?’

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be a divorce. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation. As a matter of fact, divorce is a more likely outcome if we are unable to talk about our issues so I keep that in mind as the night grows closer.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

Pain is part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process and, hopefully, at the end of it, we both will be on the way to understanding each other just a little bit more, with the goal of working things through, together.

And growing is the end goal.

Looking for ways to make a difficult conversation easy is the key to a successful relationship. Without communication, your relationship will most likely fail.

So many relationships fall apart because partners can ‘ t communicate with each other and instead they grow further and further apart until their marriage is irreparably broken.

Make sure that you go into this conversation in a good place, without making assumptions about the content and the outcome. Choose a time and a place that won ‘ t be stressful. Make sure that you don ‘ t attack and that you not get defensive but that you listen to what is being said. And know that, no matter what, the world won ‘ t end because of the conversation. Life will go on with what needed to be said out in the open instead of stuck in your head.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Nice Ways To Break Up With Someone So You Don’t Break Their Heart

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I know – ending a relationship is one of the hardest things to do and good for you for trying to find some nice ways to break up with someone so that you don ‘ t break their heart.

You care for this person but you know there is no future for you as a couple and you don ‘ t want to hurt them when you let them go.

Fortunately, there are kind ways to break up with someone without breaking their heart, at least not completely.

#1 – Don ‘ t disappear.

The WORST way to break up with someone is to ghost them, to disappear without a word. I know that it seems relatively painless, that if you just don ‘ t contact them anymore they will get the picture and move on. Unfortunately, ghosting someone makes it easier on you but it ‘ s definitely not a nice way to break up with someone and not break their heart.

Most of us need to have some idea what has happened in a relationship before we can move on. This is especially true if the break up comes from out of the blue. If our person suddenly disappears, we are left wondering what happened, what we did wrong, how someone could treat us this way and how to move forward.

And this is heartbreaking.

Ghosting someone is good for exactly one person – the person who does the ghosting. The person who does the ghosting doesn ‘ t have to face the person they are breaking up with. They don ‘ t have to explain themselves. They don ‘ t have to see the pain on the other person ‘ s face. So, don ‘ t kid yourself if you think that ghosting someone is the kindest thing to do. It ‘ s not. It will only make things worse.

#2 – Tell the truth.

It is essential that, when we break up with someone, we tell the truth about how we are feeling.

How many times has someone said ‘ ˜It ‘ s not about you – it ‘ s about me. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I am just too busy with work to be in a relationship right now. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I need to work on myself before I can love someone. ‘

These explanations always feel like bullshit to me and I am guessing they do to you too.

When you want to break up with someone without hurting them, it is essential that you are honest with them. Perhaps you can ‘ t verbalize exactly why you are breaking up with them but if they ask you questions, answer them. If you just don ‘ t feel a connection, tell them that. If you like them but aren ‘ t attracted to them, tell them that. If your old girlfriends has reappeared tell them that. Tell them the truth.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients struggle with the reasons they were broken up with. They just don ‘ t believe their person was telling them the truth and they question everything. They often say ‘ ˜If he had just told me what happened, I would be able to move on but I just don ‘ t feel like he did. ‘

A big part of recovering from heartbreak is the ability to move on and not telling the truth will hinder your ex from doing so.

#3 – Be kind.

While I encourage people to be honest when they break up with someone, I also encourage them to not be mean. Honesty is important but if you hurt someone in the process, it won ‘ t help your ex ‘ s broken heart.

Imagine if someone told you that the reason they were breaking up with you was because you didn ‘ t have a job and they couldn ‘ t respect you. That they were embarrassed when they introduced you to their friends and that watching them sleep all day instead of working drove you nuts. While all those things might be true, the delivery is key because doing so unkindly will only cause pain.

How about, instead, you tell them that the importance of ambition is different for the each of you and that you feel that this unevenness was making it hard for you to commit to the relationship. By saying it this way, you aren ‘ t attacking them but talking about your feelings about ambition and how that is getting in the way for you.

By doing this, by delivering your reason for the breakup in a way that reflects your feelings as opposed to their deficiencies, you can soften the blow and break up with someone without breaking their heart.

#4 – Don ‘ t do it slowly.

I have a friend who, when he no longer wants to be with someone, doesn ‘ t tell them straight out. Instead, he stops texting and calling as much, he doesn ‘ t respond regularly when they reach out, he spends time with them but not to the extent that he used to.

He says he does so because he doesn ‘ t hurt them but I would argue it actually easier on him and that this actually hurts them more. Much like pulling off Bandaid, ending a relationship quickly and decisively will help your person recover and move on more quickly.

Another thing that many people do is they yo-yo. They want out but they don ‘ t want to hurt their person and they are worried that they will get bored and lonely, so they have a hard timebreaking up with them for good. They break up and then they come back, things are okay for a while and then it all falls apart again. Doing this over and over and over isn ‘ t good for anyone and will definitely lead to heartbreak.

#5 – Don ‘ t move on too quickly.

One of the worst things that can happen is when someone breaks up with you and the next day you see them all over social media with a new partner. Immediately you question everything about yourself and your relationship. You wonder if your person was cheating on you the whole time. You wonder why you weren ‘ t good enough for that person, why they had to go looking for someone else. You assume you have been lied to and you are humiliated and you feel betrayed by your person for flaunting this new person to all of your friends.

Even if you do have someone waiting in the wings, make sure that you leave a respectable amount of time before you bring that person out into the open. Yes, you want the world to know that you are in love but have enough respect foryour ex to give them some time to move onand to not disrespect them in the eyes of the world.

I know that you want to find find ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart. Having respect for your ex and your relationship is the key to doing this successfully.

It is possible to find nice ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart completely.

Of course, every time we are broken up with there is pain but you can control how much pain there is and how quickly your ex can move forward.

It is essential that you don ‘ t just disappear, that you stay and face them. You must be honest with them but also kind. You must end it decisively and you must take care to respect them and not flaunt a new relationship right away.

Breaking up is hard to do but doing it in a way that is respectful and kind will not only help your ex recover more quickly, it will help you feel good about how you ended it and move on without guilt. It is hard not to break someone ‘ s heart when you break up with them but finding kind ways to do so will help their broken heart mend faster.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Why Being Yourself is the Best Way to Succeed at Finding Love

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Many people have a hard time believing that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

Why, they think, would someone want to fall in love with them? They don ‘ t think themselves smart enough or hot enough or funny enough. It ‘ s hard to imagine that anyone would ever want them.

So, they create for themselves someone else, someone else they believe will be more lovable, and they put that person out there – hoping to find love.

Unfortunately, not being yourself is definitely not the best way to succeed at finding love because it will sabotage you in so many ways.

Let me share with you why not being yourself will ensure that you fail at finding love.

#1 – Being yourself is natural.

Being yourself is the easiest thing in the world to do. You have been yourself for decades and you can do you like no one else can.

Not being yourself takes work. Not being yourself, presenting yourself as someone else, making conscious decisions to do thing differently, all require a tremendous amount of energy. It takes keeping on top of the lies that you might be telling. It takes maintaining a façade of who you are not. It takes hiding things from your new person, all the while doing the very difficult task of trying to find love.

And, if you are working so hard at being someone other than you are, you will have a hard time finding the love you seek because it ‘ s hard to do both at the same time.

#2 – You will doom the relationship from the start.

Imagine you meet someone and they are everything that you had hoped they would be. You fall in love and you look forward to living happily ever after. And then you learn the truth about them. How would you feel?

I have a client who met a wonderful guy and they had a summer romance. He made her laugh and the sex was great and she had hopes for the future. As their time together progressed, she noticed that he didn ‘ t seem to have much professional work to do. He spent his time working on his boat and with her but he never talked about what he did and he definitely didn ‘ t have money for dinners out.

She repeatedly asked him about this because she wasn ‘ t comfortable with him not working and her having to pay for dinners. He was vague and put her off. Eventually, she got fed up with the whole thing and pulled the plug. He wasn ‘ t the person she thought he was and she moved on.

So, while you might find love by not being yourself, you won ‘ t be able to keep it!

#3 – Honesty is the key to any relationship.

One of the most important part of any relationship is honesty – without it there is no trust and a relationship will fail. If you start a relationship off not being yourself you will be violating the trust of your partner by not being honest.

In the case of my client, she felt like her boyfriend had done a bait and switch – that he had sucked her in, presenting himself as a successful businessman, when in fact he did what he had to do to pay his bills but that was it.

She does love this man and he has promised her that he will find more work but their relationship has been tarnished because she no longer trusts him the way that she would like to.

So, the best way to succeed at finding love is by being yourself because honesty is the basis of every healthy relationship and thats what you want – a healthy relationship.

#4 – You will feel better about yourself.

It ‘ s very hard to put yourself out there as someone who you are not and to feel good about yourself. To deem that who you are is not good enough to be loved and you must therefore be someone else sucks the life out of you.

How can you, if you are pretending to be someone you are not, feel good about yourself? How can you look yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself? How can you not walk in after a date and wonder how you are going to keep this up? How will you feel if your person falls in love with someone who doesn ‘ t exist?

AND how can you be attracted to someone who doesn ‘ t feel good about themselves. If your self esteem is low because you aren ‘ t being yourself you are going to have a hard time attracting the kind of person you want to be with.

Being yourself in a relationship is the best way to keep your self esteem intact and be attractive the kind of person you want to be attractive to.

#5 – You will keep your friends.

This might seem like an odd one but one of the biggest consequences of not being yourself is that you might lose your friends.

How many times have you, or one of your friends, changed to get or keep a relationship? How frustrating is it to watch them be someone other than they are for some girl or some guy? How quickly do you get sick of it and stop hanging out with them and respecting them?

If you want to keep your friends, I would encourage you to be yourself when you are looking for love. You need those friends. They will have been there before you meet your person and they will be there long after, if the relationship ends.

I know that it ‘ s hard for some people to believe that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

But being yourself is the best way to find happiness, not only in a relationship but in the world. Being yourself is natural and you are good at it. You will doom the relationship from the start if it ‘ s based on a lie. You can ‘ t have a healthy relationship without honesty. Your self esteem will plummet and you won ‘ t be as attractive to others and you could lose your friends in the whole messy process.

Be yourself. Always. You will be glad you did!

5 Things To Do NOW to Get Over a Break Up and Move On

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Ok! You have decided that it ‘ s time to get over a break up and move on.

Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.

Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.

#1 – Be determined.

The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.

Let ‘ s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it ‘ s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn ‘ t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘ ˜trying to quit, ‘ you haven ‘ t ‘ ˜decided to quit. ‘

Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘ ˜try ‘ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.

So, be determined. With determination you can have success.

#2 – Cut them off.

I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.

The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn ‘ t.

If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won ‘ t feel good.

If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it ‘ s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.

So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Write it down.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#4 – Mourn.

I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!

That being said, it ‘ s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.

So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.

If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It ‘ s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.

Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don ‘ t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it ‘ s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.

#5 – Be active.

One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.

I know that in this time of Covid-19 it ‘ s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.

Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘ ˜feel good ‘ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it ‘ s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.

Finally, while I know that you aren ‘ t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can ‘ t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn ‘ t have to derail you for good.

Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.

I know that the future doesn ‘ t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won ‘ t last forever.

Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

I know that things don ‘ t feel good right now but you have read this article in it ‘ s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.

You can do this! I know you can.

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