Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Love After a Divorce

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The paperwork has been filed, the assets divided, the move out done and yet you are still struggling to let go of love after a divorce.

It ‘ s the ultimate irony. You have been left, your finances are probably decimated, your family has been torn apart and yet you still love your ex. And you don ‘ t like that you do.

There are reasons that it ‘ s so hard to let go of love after a divorce. If you understand what they are, you might find it easier to accept what has happened and move forward in a way that doesn ‘ t involve regret and loss but instead happiness and hope.

#1 – Broken vows.

I remember when I asked my husband for a divorce. He said that we had taken vows that he wouldn ‘ t break. I thought that idea ridiculous but the talk of divorce stopped for a while.

5 years later, he asked for a divorce and I was devastated. When he asked, the broken vows weren ‘ t addressed even for a minute. But, in my head, those vows were there, making it hard for me to let go of love for him.

We had stood up in front of 150 of our friends and family and promised to love each other for ever. In sickness and health and until the fat lady sings. And now he was walking away and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he would walk away, for another woman, one he paraded out in public with alarming speed.

My mother was also furious at the broken vows. He had promised her that he would always take care of me and he had let her down. She talked on and on about this betrayal which didn ‘ t help me move on.

My husband of 20 years had broken a promise to me, a promise that kept me tied to him for some time after our split, unable to let go of love after a divorce and feeling somewhat broken.

#2 – Letting go of dreams for the future.

We had been married for 20 years and our kids were headed out to college. We had been talking for years that if we could just make it through these difficult child rearing times we would have a ton of fun. We had always really enjoyed each other before kids and hoped that we could find our way back to each other again.

When he left, 48 hours after our son went off to school, those dreams for the future were immediately dashed. The picture of us traveling together, buying a house in the country, reaping the financial fruits of our years of hard work – all went up in smoke in a single moment.

Letting go of those dreams made it really hard for me to let go of love after a divorce. I no longer had dreams for the future – instead I had hopelessness and fear because the future was so unclear. What was I going to do, how was I going to build a new family for my kids, what would happen when my alimony stopped? I was scared and I constantly thought that if only he still loved me my future would be clear again.

#3 – Letting go of family.

I always loved our little family of four. We were all very close. Every night we had a family dinner that involved lively conversation. We had moved to Tokyo as a family and travelled extensively while we were there. We had a little house by the ocean, our kids were excelling at school and my husband and I were both very successful in our careers and our finances were secure.

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, our family was destroyed in one fell swoop. The family that I had worked so hard to ensure that it was healthy, a family that travelled and laughed and supported each other. It was my life ‘ s work and it was destroyed.

I know that it was hard for me to let go of love after a divorce because the image of our connected family was such an important one. I believed that if we could rebuild our relationship, that if we could love each other, our family would be rebuilt and happy again.

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I know that one of the worst parts of getting divorce was that, after 20 years, 18 of them raising kids, I was suddenly alone. My kids were off at school and my husband was gone. My days, long filled with making lunches, driving everyone around, supporting my husband, were empty. And I couldn ‘ t see how I could possible rebuild them.

It was also so hard for me to see a future with another person. I got right onto dating sites and, while I met some great guys, none of them were the guy for me. Would I, I often wondered, be alone forever?

I had loved my husband and the life that we built and I had a hard time letting go of those emotions. In fact, with every disastrous date, I would go back to the love and companionship that my ex and I shared and wish it was alive again. If it only was, I would no longer be alone.

#5 – Believing you can fix things.

I remember that from the moment my ex asked for a divorce, I believed that I would be able to fix our marriage. I believed that with enough love and sex and fun, our marriage would be saved and we would live happily ever after.

But that wasn ‘ t to be.

As I have alluded to in this article, one of the reasons that I held on to love for my ex was that I believed that I could fix things if I loved him enough. That if I loved him he wouldn ‘ t walk away from our family, that our dreams for the future would happen and that I wouldn ‘ t be alone. I held on to that hope for so long that it made it increasingly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

Marriage is something that we all hoped and dreamed for as we grew up. The idea of having a team mate in life, someone who would always have your back, who would love you unconditionally, was compelling. When marriage is broken, all of those comforts disappear.

I do believe that, if you can recognize that what you are in fact holding onto is not love for your ex but dismay at your broken vows, the loss of your dreams for the future, your sadness at the destruction of your family, your fear of being alone and your belief that your marriage is still fixable, you will be able to move on in a healthy way.

All of those things that you are mourning are things that you can have with another person. It might take some time and effort, but that person is out there for you. You don ‘ t have to hold onto love for someone who no longer loves you because your life is still a promising one, out there waiting for you to start living it again.

You can let go of this love and move forward. And you will get your happily ever after if you do.

5 Ways Healthy Relationships Start on the First Date

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I know that you probably don ‘ t want to hear this because you are already feeling like you are under a lot of pressure but healthy relationships start on the first date.

I know that this might seem contrary to what you might have heard – that first dates aren ‘ t a big deal, to just roll with it. And this is, to some extent, true – first dates ARE meant to be fun.

That being said, a lot can be revealed on a first date, things that are markers for whether your relationship, if one happens, will be healthy one.

What kind of things, you ask?

Here are 5 ways healthy relationships start on the first date.

#1 – Honesty.

The number one most important part of any healthy relationship is honesty. Knowing that you can tell you partner anything, and they the same with you, because honesty is how you work things out in relationships. Even if it leads to an argument, honesty is still important because it gets things out on the table, good or bad, to be addressed.

If you go into a date thinking that there are some things that you aren ‘ t going to be honest about because they are things that might embarrass you or that you feel ashamed of, you are going to doom your relationship from the start.

I have a client whose boyfriend told her, on the first date, that he worked for himself, doing consultant work. She entered into the relationship with someone she thought was her financial equal. As the relationship grew and they spent more time together, she realized that he did in fact do a little consultant work but, really, he wasn ‘ t working more than a few hours a week.

Because she was already attached to this man, finding out about this was devastating. She loved him but she just couldn ‘ t be in a relationship with a man who she had to buy dinner for every time. Furthermore, he didn ‘ t even have the ambition to start working more which she found incredibly unattractive. She has said to me many times – ‘ ˜If I had known this from the start I never would have gotten involved with him. ‘

So, be honest on your first date. If you aren ‘ t it might doom your relationship before it even starts.

#2 – Transparency.

For many reasons, we sometimes don ‘ t bring our true selves in to a first date.

Whether it is because we are shy or cocky or insecure or we are trying to hide something, we go into a first date being something that we are not.

How many times have you had a first date with someone who seemed so laid back that you found her compelling, only to learn down the line that she was as wound up as they come and exhausting to be with. Or how about that time when you meet someone who says they aren ‘ t intimidated by your success but then turn out to be exactly that.

How can you start a relationship with someone who isn ‘ t who they present themselves to be? You can ‘ t! And this is one way that healthy relationships start on the first date – if you can ‘ t be yourself, the person you are sitting across from will fall for someone who isn ‘ t real.

How long do you think that will last?

#3 – Chemistry.

You know when you meet someone online and you are really excited to meet them and then, when you finally do, there is no chemistry. And then everyone tells you to go on another date, just to see if things are better the second time. And sometimes they are. But more often than not, they aren ‘ t.

Attraction is a very important part of a first date. We don ‘ t know exactly why chemistry exists between people but it does and it ‘ s an essential part of keeping a relationship healthy. And if you find it doesn ‘ t exist on the first date, you might find that your healthy relationship might not ever get beyond the starting gate.

I remember when I met my boyfriend. A friend had shared his picture with me but I wasn ‘ t interested because he had a mustache. When I did meet this guy, the chemistry between us was huge – in spite of the mustache.

We were only friends for a while before we dated but the chemistry was there for us from the start.

So, if the chemistry isn ‘ t there for you at all on the first date, consider a second date but don ‘ t take it any further than that if that attraction doesn ‘ t ignite.

#4 – Connection.

Yes, chemistry is an amazing thing and it feels good, but it ‘ s not the only thing that is important to have on a first date. It is also important to have a connection.

I remember a date I had with a guy. We met for ice cream at Riverside Park in NYC. I was immediately attracted to him and he to me. We spent a few hours together, talking and walking. At the end of the walk he pointed out to me that we had agreed on absolutely nothing that we had talked about. I felt more like we were sparring over issues in a good-natured way but the truth was that we didn ‘ t agree on anything.

After he said that he asked me if I would have sex with him anyway. I politely declined. I knew that just having chemistry wasn ‘ t going to get us any more than a one-night stand, something I wasn ‘ t interested in.

So, pay attention on your first date. Even if the attraction is there do your personalities, interests and beliefs match? Could you see yourself bringing this person home to your family? To meet your friends?

Connection is a huge reason why healthy relationships start on the first date – without it, you will struggle to be happy right from the beginning.

#5 – Red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. Somethings that are almost always there and somethings that we usually ignore, in spite of our instincts.

You know what I mean – the things that you see in someone pretty darn quickly, things that give you pause and you wonder what that says about this person. But usually you just gloss over that moment, thinking that it ‘ s not a big deal and that even if it is you can probably change them anyway.

On another first date, with a guy who I connected with in a big way and with whom the chemistry was huge, he told me a few things right away that I should have paid attention to. He had taken his wife to court to not have to pay child support and he was estranged from his brother. Both of those things made me pause but I chose to ignore them because things were going so well.

In the end, however, it was his personality traits that led to those two things broke us up. I learned that he was very difficult around money, sometimes manically, and that his relationship with his brother had broken down over his mismanagement of a business they shared. I had a hard time trusting him because I felt like he didn ‘ t step up to the plate and take care of his family. And I had to leave him, which was heartbreaking.

So, if you see any red flags on your first date, make note of them. Don ‘ t ignore them. You can proceed with a second date, should you choose, but keep those flags front and center in your mind as you move forward.

It ‘ s funny to think that healthy relationships start on the first date.

We usually consider first dates to just be an easy fun thing, and they should be, but they are also great indicators of what a healthy relationship might look like going forward.

On your next first date, make sure that you are being honest and being yourself. Make sure that you feel like there is an honest attraction and connection and don ‘ t ignore any red flags that might pop up along the way!

First dates are fun but wouldn ‘ t it be nice to have your next first date be your last? It might be if you bring your authentic self to the table and are, in turn, met in kind.

You can do it!

5 Reasons You Can’t Stop Hurting after a Break Up

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The fact that you can’t stop hurting after a break up is natural. But it doesn’t have to last forever!

Are you wondering why you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up?

Are you totally miserable, having a hard time getting past it and wondering why?

If you can ‘ t stop hurting after break up know that you are not alone. Letting go of love is challenging and takes time and good for you for taking the steps to figure out why you are feeling this way so that you can let go of the pain and get on with your life.

While it ‘ s not surprising that you are still hurting because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons why you are still hurting after letting go of love.

#1 – Fear of never being loved again.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and you believe that you will never be happy again. And these feelings are warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your pain comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 – You feel like you wasted so much time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

Furthermore, people who can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up are often preoccupied with the fact that they had to let go of hopes and dreams about this relationship and they rue spending so much time trying to achieve those hopes and dreams that they didn ‘ t see the reality of their unhappy relationship.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – You question who you are in the world.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our pain over the break up worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the pain that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

The fact that you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is causing so much pain, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do NOW if Your Boyfriend is Two Timing You

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Are you in the midst of serious crisis because you just discovered that your boyfriend is two timing you? Has your person done the unthinkable and cheated on you with someone else?

There is truly nothing worse than discovering the person who you loved and trusted has chosen to be intimate with someone else. The betrayal and hurt that you are feeling right now is probably significant.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to manage that pain and process how to move forward, whether you want to forgive and move forward or walk away.

Here are 5 things to do, right now, if your boyfriend is two timing you.

#1 – Call him out on it.

First and foremost, you need to tell your boyfriend that you are aware of the cheating. No matter how you found out, let him know that you know, what you know and demand to hear from him what has happened.

He will most likely deny the charges at first. He won ‘ t want to hurt you and most likely feels guilty about what he has done so his sense of self preservation will kick in. If you know for a fact that he did it, don ‘ t let him convince you otherwise. We don ‘ t want to believe that our partner is cheating but if we learn they are, they most likely are. If you let him convince you otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for pain again in the future.

It is essential that your boyfriend own what he has done or is doing. If he doesn ‘ t do that, if he gaslights you and says that you are crazy and paranoid, I would consider skipping ahead to #5. If he won ‘ t admit what he is doing, you can no longer trust him and without trust your relationship is doomed.

#2 – Talk about it.

If your boyfriend has admitted that he is, or was, cheating on you, it ‘ s time to talk about the where and why.

For many people who have been cheated on, the need to know details is significant. How did it happen? Where did it happen? How long has it been going on? Why did you do it? They are so taken aback by it all that they just need more info.

If your boyfriend is two timing you, push him to give you the details you need. In my experience, I have found that if the one who was cheated on has as many details as they need they are more able to move forward with the relationship.

He might not be willing, or able, to give you details because of his guilt or because he doesn ‘ t want to hurt you or he might even try to brush off what happened as not a big deal. If this happens, make it clear to him that, without your questions answered, you won ‘ t be able to move forward together.

It is also important to decide, together, whether you truly want to work through this and build a happy relationship. It is essential that both parties are truly interested in making things work. If the cheater wants to try but his girlfriend knows that she can ‘ t get past it, there is no point in trying. If the girlfriend wants to make it work but the guy isn ‘ t all in, then the relationship will never be a healthy one.

So, talk about what happened and what you both want to do moving forward. Working through this, no matter what the outcome, is a team effort.

#3 – Think about it.

Once you have the information that you need, it ‘ s time for you to step back and process what you know. It is really up to you to decide what you want to do moving forward.

I would encourage you to think about your self-blame – do you blame yourself for not being good enough or being stupid to not have recognized what was going on? If you are, know that you aren ‘ t to blame. That, yes, there are two people in every relationship and two people responsible for its weakness, but you chose not to cheat. You are not to blame.

I would also encourage you to think about whether you can move forward with your person. Can there ever be a chance that you could trust them again and be willing to work to repair your relationship?

I would encourage you to think about whether you can forgive your person. I am not saying that you should forget what happened but will you be able to be with this person and every time you look at them not think about the infidelity? Will you constantly remind them that they betrayed you?

If you won ‘ t be able to forgive them, if you can never trust them and if you will continue with the self-blame and the need to hurt him, getting past this infidelity will be difficult.

#4 – Don ‘ t act on it.

No matter what, I would encourage you to not reach out to your boyfriend ‘ s cheating partner. I know that you want to but DON ‘ T.

For many women, the tendency to blame the person their boyfriend cheated with is significant. We think that they seduced their person, that our partner would never look for someone else on their own. We believe that if we can confront the other person it will be easier to move on.

I had a client who did just that and, instead of helping her move on, it held her back from healing in a big way. The other person gave her details of what happened, told her of conversations that involved laughing at her behind her back, of his promises that he would leave his girlfriend and run off with him. My client was devastated.

When a lover is confronted, they will often say horrible things. They might be feeling guilty or angry that they are being abandoned or betrayed by their lover or any such complicated feelings. As a result, they might say mean and nasty things, some of which might not be true.

.And those words, the words from a jilted lover, whether they are true or not, could damage beyond repair your relationship with your boyfriend, making it impossible for there to be any chance that you can move forward together.

#5 – Walk away from it.

This is a hard step but one that is important to be willing to take if necessary. The last thing that you want is for this infidelity to define your relationship and your life.

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for what happened, give you the details that you want and be willing to work through things in the effort to mend your relationship, then it might be time to walk away.

People who are cheaters often stay cheaters unless their original relationship changes significantly. Don ‘ t kid yourself into thinking that your boyfriend won ‘ t cheat on you again without him being willing to take responsibility for both what he did and what he needs to do to fix it.

I know that you want to stay in this relationship, that the idea of being alone or getting back out there in the dating world or that you will regret letting go of them in the future are all in your mind, and I get that. But the reality is, the longer that you stay with this cheater, the one not willing to take responsibility for his actions, the more likely that you will be cheated on again and not have the chance to find someone who truly loves you and would never stray.

Finding out that your boyfriend is two timing you is a devastating thing. The person you love and trusted has betrayed you and you are probably feeling worse than you might ever have in your life.

I would encourage you to take these steps to work through what has happened. Confront your boyfriend – let him know what you know. Talk to him about it and see what your chances are for working through it together. Take stock of your feelings so that you can learn how to manage them and, if necessary, be ready to walk away. And DO NOT talk to the cheating partner. Period the end.

Being stuck in a relationship where the cheater isn ‘ t going to take responsibility for his actions is something that you don ‘ t want to do. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make sure that you are going to share it with someone you can love and trust not someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions.

This might be hard but you can work through this, no matter the outcome, and come out the other side stronger.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want to know what to do now that you know your boyfriend is two timing you.

Let me help you, NOW, before you waste any more time in this relationship.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

7 Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused in Your Relationship

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Are you looking for signs you are being emotionally abused in your relationship? Are you worried that you might be caught up in something that isn ‘ t good for you but you just aren ‘ t sure?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us it is toxic but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of emotional abuse so that you can recognize whether it exists in your relationship and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – One person has all the control.

One big sign that you are being emotionally abused in your relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, there is emotional abuse in your relationship and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#2 – Words hurt instead of help.

A very important part of every healthy relationship is communication. This means talking about feelings and things that need to be done but it ‘ s also about making sure that the other person knows that they are loved and respected.

Does your person talk to you with love and affection or do they lash out at you verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If your partner is repeatedly raising their voice and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you are mostly likely being emotionally abused in your relationship.

#3 – There is no respect.

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the most important, signs of emotional abuse in a relationship is the presence of contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Does your partner speak to you sarcastically? Do they talk about you behind your back? Do they roll their eyes when you try to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how your partner treats you. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then there is emotional abuse in your relationship and you should think about if that is what you want going forward.

#4 – Things get physical.

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

And while many people would say that physical pain isn ‘ t the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, I believe that the psychic damage caused by physical pain shouldn ‘ t be down played.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner has hurt you physically then you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship that you might want to consider leaving.

#5 – There are constant apologies.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of apologies.

Does your person hit you and then apologize? Does your person lash out at you verbally and then say they are sorry but that you just drive them to it? Does your person treat you with contempt and then beg you to forgive them?

People who abuse other people often feel remorse, true remorse, after hurting their partners and they apologize. That remorse doesn ‘ t mean that they aren ‘ t going to display that behavior again just that they feel sorry in the moment. Sooner or later, the abuse will begin anew.

If you find that your world is full of apologies for bad behavior then you might be being emotional abused in your relationship.

#6 – Self-esteem issues develop.

This sign of emotional abuse in a relationship has to do with your personality traits not your partner ‘ s.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Do you believe that you are worthless or stupid or friendless? Do you believe that you are bad at everything that you try to do? Do you believe that you are fat or ugly or undesirable?

Many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship struggle with self-esteem issues, issues that they don ‘ t think are the result of their partner ‘ s behavior but because of some huge deficiency in their character. In fact, most people who are struggling in abusive relationships have lowered self-esteem that is the result of the mistreatment.

So, how is your self-esteem? How was it before you were in this relationship? If you felt better about yourself before this relationship then that is a sure sign that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

#7 – Estrangement.

Another significant sign of emotional abuse in a relationship is that the abused has been estranged from their friends and families.

Many emotional abusers go out of their way to make sure their victims are alienated from their loved ones because doing so gives them more control. As a result, loved ones, and their support, are cut off from their family member which only makes the family member more vulnerable to emotional abuse.

So, take stock of your relationships with your friends and family. Are they not what they used to be? And, if not, why? I know you might believe that any disconnect is all your fault but dig deeper to learn why your relationships are where they are right now.

If you an in an emotionally abusive relationship, don ‘ t forget your friends and family are out there to support you and help you escape!

Knowing the signs of whether you are being emotionally abused in a relationship is a very important part of a building a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the control, the unkindness, the physical pain, the apologies and the estrangement – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Why You are Feeling Sad in Your New Relationship After Letting Go of An Old One

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Are you feeling sad in your new relationship and absolutely dumbfounded because you are super happy? You have found the person you had always hoped you would find and yet you are still sad and missing your ex.

This feeling is horrible, I know, but it ‘ s very common. And it doesn ‘ t mean that you should leave this new relationship and go look for your ex. It means that emotions are complicated and that, with some knowledge and sel- awareness, you can accept the sadness as temporary and move forward.

Here are 5 reasons that you are feeling sad in your new relationship and how to manage those emotions.

#1 – You are still comparing.

One of the things that we do when we go out on dates with new people after breaking up with someone is we compare them. No matter how toxic the relationship, we sit across that table from our date and measure them up against our ex.

Ironically, what we usually measure is the good things that we remember about our ex – the sexual chemistry is the one I most often hear but it can also be other things – their ambition, their kids, their interests etc.

This comparison is natural but often our brains steer us in the wrong direction.

I would encourage you to make a list of all of the things about your ex that made them your ex. Be honest. It ‘ s easy to forget the things that went wrong but, if you dig deep, you will find them.

After you make your list, make a list of the good things in your new relationship. I am guessing that, if you are happy, there are many.

Making these lists, on paper, will help you see exactly why you shouldn ‘ t be with your ex, sexual chemistry or not, and why you are happy in your new relationship and that the sadness will pass.

#2 – You miss the comfort.

No matter how long we are in a relationship, patterns of behavior are developed. And these patterns are familiar and hard to change.

Whether the patterns are good ones, like eating pizza on Fridays or going for a walk every night, or bad ones, like fighting every morning about who will walk the dog or having to count drinks over the course of the evening, these patterns are yours and hard to let go of.

Furthermore, in new relationships, we often feel insecure because things are so new and we long for the comfortable, what we know so well.

Just know that, as your relationship continues to grow, so will your comfort level and, as it grows, you will be able to let go of your ex and your old ways and be happy.

#3 – You have to let go of dreams.

We when we embark down the road of a new relationship, with it comes big hopes and dreams for the future. And with a break up those dreams go up in smoke. And that is sad.

I remember the dreams I had with my ex. I had loved him in college and was so looking forward to going back to a college reunion with him by my side. We would live together and work together and heal together. We talked about where we would live and growing old together. And then, one day, it was over. And those dreams were dashed.

I am sure that you and your new ex have big hopes and dreams. I know that my new guy and I do. But I know that those hopes and dreams are different from the ones I had with my ex and it took me a while to let go of them and embrace the new ones.

But, man, am I glad I did.

#4 – End of an era.

When we end a relationship, we end an era. And era of time together as a couple, with friends, traveling, being with each other ‘ s families, perhaps having kids together or getting a dog. And when a break up occurs, that era is over.

I have a client who just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. They had a very tight friend group, he spent much of his days trying to help her move forward in her life, she loved his dog and they enjoyed the things that they did together. Now he has a new girlfriend and with her comes a whole new friend group, trying to figure out how to manage a long distance relationship, getting to know each other ‘ s habits and introducing each other ‘ s dogs.

This new era is exciting and new but that doesn ‘ t mean the old one wasn ‘ t special in its own way. If you can accept that the past, good and bad, is the past and that looking back isn ‘ t going to get you anywhere, you will be able to recognize that this next era is going to be great. And that will help you alleviate your sadness.

#5 – You haven ‘ t let go of what happened.

One of the reasons that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship is because you haven ‘ t processed what happened in the old one.

I know that it took me a full year to get past my ex, in spite of the fact that I was very happy with my new guy. After a toxic two year relationship, I decided one day that I just had to walk away. I knew that if I talked to him at all, he would suck me back in, as was our pattern. So, to save myself, I never talked to him again. I don ‘ t believe in closure because I truly believe that it ‘ s just an excuse to spend more time in the presence of your soon to be ex, but I also know that there were some things left unsaid between us. And that was unsettling.

But now, 3 years out, I have been able to let go of what happened and fully lean into my new relationship. It took a while but time and doing some work with my therapist helped me process what happened and move forward without looking back.

I know that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship and that is not unusual.

Fortunately, it is most likely something that will pass sooner or later.

As your relationship grows and you become more comfortable with each other, when you stop comparing your new person to your ex, when you stop looking to the past and can fully process what happened then you will be able to move on and lean into your new relationship and be truly happy.

You can do it! I promise!

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