I tell my clients that, if you want to let go of your ex, once and for all, you must go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And the first thing that I usually hear back is ‘ ˜ugh. ‘

What do I mean by ‘ ˜no contact? ‘ Blocking them on your phone, unfriending and unfollowing them, staying away from places you might see them, not letting them sneak back in through any back doors.

In the old days, when we broke up with someone, it was much easier to let them go. We didn ‘ t have access to an assortment of social media platforms where we could check up on our exes. We couldn ‘ t google stalk them. We couldn ‘ t text them when the urge struck. Unless we ran into them somewhere, they would truly be out of sight.

And out of sight means out of mind. And out of mind helped us move on.

I know things are different now but the need to move on is the same so, if you want to let go of your ex, ‘ ˜no contact ‘ is essential.

Why?

#1 – You will go back to Day One.

The number one reason to go no contact is because, with every point of contact that you have, you go back to day one, to that last moment you saw them, that moment that you walked away in incredible pain.

I use the analogy of trying to quit smoking. When you decide to quit something, you go cold turkey. You take it day by day and as the days past the pain of the loss gets less and less. And then, one day down the road, you decide to have one cigarette. And it ‘ s hard to have just one cigarette. Before you know it, you are smoking half a pack a day, knowing that soon you are going to have to go through the pain of quitting all over again.

Similarly, if you are getting a little bit better each day, even if you miss your ex, looking at them on social media or sending them a text, will set you back to the beginning, back at the bottom of the mountain that you had made good progress scaling.

And you don ‘ t want that, do you?

#2 – Memories can be painful. And compelling.

If you want to let go of your ex but are struggling to do so, memories are things that might be holding you back.

Unfortunately, after a break up, what we usually hold onto is the good memories and not the bad ones. The good memories were wonderful times but reliving them constantly makes it hard to move on.

Social media and our phones are full of opportunities for us to rekindle those memories. There are Instagram posts of your trip to Mexico and FB messenger text streams from when you were first talking. Your phone contains selfies of everything that you ever did. And you want more of those memories because you they were so wonderful. So, you reach out.

I believe that going no contact means getting rid of those opportunities to rekindle memories, getting rid of the pain that those memories can lead to.

Unfollow them on Instagram, unfriend them on Facebook and file away those selfies to a place you can ‘ t easily access them.

If you don ‘ t relive those memories, in whatever form, healing will be quicker and less painful.

#3 – Closure is a myth.

I 100% think that closure is a myth. I believe that closure is just one more opportunity to be in your person ‘ s presence and perhaps convince them to give you another chance.

If you are in contact with your person, the inclination, for either one of you, to try to get some closure is greatly enhanced.

And what will that closure do? It will open up old wounds that need to be hashed out. Tempers might flare and hurting things might be said. Being in the same personal space as your person might lead to intimacy which will only cause more confusion. You might walk away from it more devastated than you were before.

Yes, yes. I know the mention of sex might have made you pick your head up and smile but, really, sex with your ex is fraught with complicated emotions and, while it might feel good in the moment, the repercussions can be huge. Talking can do the same – only cause more pain than you were feeling before.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. It will only set you back in a big way.

#4 – Yo-yoing makes things worse.

For many of my clients, they are broken up with and left devastated only to have their person reappear in their lives. Day, weeks or months after a break up their text alert goes off and there is their person, saying ‘ ˜hi. ‘ That ‘ ˜hi ‘ can lead to more communication, doing things together, intimacy and raised hopes. More often than not, however, their ex, ultimately, pulls back again, walking away and leaving them feeling worse than before.

And, often, this precise series of events happens over and over, leaving my clients confused and devastated, full of false hope and unwilling to let go.

How bad does that sounds? Worse than where you are right now? It is worse. I can promise you that.

If you don ‘ t go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ then the chances of yo-yoing occurring are greatly enhanced. Any opportunity that your ex might have to contact you, or even if you contact them, the more likely it is that you will go down that rabbit hole that will, ultimately, only cause you more pain.

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

I am sure that you are thinking that there is no way that your self-esteem can be worse than it is right now. Your relationship has ended, for whatever reason, and it has left you questioning yourself. So, how can reaching out or stalking them make things worse?

Imagine this. You text your ex for whatever reason and they don ‘ t text you back. How will you feel as you sit there waiting, gradually accepting the fact that you aren ‘ t important enough to respond to? Or you do some innocent stalking on Instagram and see your guy with a cute blond. Or his parents, who you loved, post a picture of all of them together at the summer house.

Will any of those things make you feel better about yourself? Instead of just feeling sad, might you feel abandoned, replaced or forgotten? And what will all those feelings do to your self-esteem.

On the other hand, if you do resist the temptation to text or stalk, you will take back your power. You will choose to put the past behind you and only look forward. And that, more than anything, will help you rebuild your self-esteem so that you can move on and be happy.

‘ ˜I am serious, ‘ I tell my clients, ‘ ˜If you want to let go of your ex, you will have to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ If you can ‘ t do it, you will have no chance of getting past the pain and moving on. ‘

So, how does one go no contact? How does one fill that empty space left by the person who left?

I encourage people to just take it day by day. If you think to yourself that you will never talk to your ex again, you will be completely overwhelmed, but if you tell yourself that you aren ‘ t going to reach out to them today, that seems reasonable. And if you take it one day at a time you will eventually just have done it.

That ‘ s what I did with my ex. For years we had gone up and down, trying to break up and yoyoing back and forth. And then, one day, I decided to go no contact. After a few days, he reached out, as was our pattern. And this time I didn ‘ t answer him. He tried again a few days later. I didn ‘ t answer him. Now, here I am, 4 years of no contact, madly in love with someone else and so thankful that I had the strength to do it!

You can too!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

Learning how to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.

You love him and, in spite of you knowing that something just isn ‘ t right, you refuse to accept the fact that your relationship might be over.

And I get it. Who wants to let go of someone they love?

It is important, however, for you to work to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you so that you can finally let go and move forward.

Here are 5 ways to do so.

#1 – Look for red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. We all hate red flags, don ‘ t we?

Why? Because red flags are those things that we are ignoring in an attempt to save our relationship.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who, I believed, always had one foot out the door. He would tell her he was coming over and then he would show up 4 hours late or not at all. When he did come over, he just wanted to have sex. He didn ‘ t ask about her day or take her out on dates.

All of these things she justified some way or another. And none of these things did she tell me about until after they finally broke up, so I knew that she knew that those things were not ok.

Our guys might tell us they want to be with us but it ‘ s important that you look at their actions as well. If you sense that anything is off, pay attention, don ‘ t explain it away.

If you do recognize those red flags, it might just help you accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#2 – Talk to your friends.

Think about that time you were sitting with your friend and she was telling you some god-awful story about a guy she was seeing. The stories were truly horrible and all you could think was ‘ ˜Why is she still with this guy. It ‘ s so clear that he is blowing her off? ‘ And when you tried to point it out, she was full of excuses for his behavior.

Well, right now you are that person, the one sitting with a friend, telling the stories. And your friend is the one there, rolling her eyes, telling you to walk away, fast.

LISTEN TO THEM! Most often, our friends have only our best interests in mind and I guarantee that they see things more clearly than you do right now.

We have friends for a reason – helping us see clearly is one of them!

#3 – Listen to his words.

My client whose boyfriend didn ‘ t show up on time, or ever, was always telling her that he wasn ‘ t ready to be in a relationship, that he had to work on his sobriety and get his shit together. She believed that if she could just love him enough, take good enough care of him, that he would see that he did want to be with her and they would live happily ever after.

And, while he was always telling her he didn ‘ t want a relationship, he was happy letting her cook him dinner, drive him to work, have sex with him, whatever he needed. And she was happy to do it because she wanted him to love her.

If your guy is letting you do all of these wonderful things for him but is still telling you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, listen to him. I know that he sending you mixed messages but I can promise you that the one about not being in a relationship is the one that is real.

So, listen to him. It might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#4 – Write things down.

After my client finally let go of her boyfriend, she started telling me what things had really been like in the relationship. That he wasn ‘ t showing up, was treating her badly when he did and how he told her, over and over, that he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

In spite of all of those things, she still couldn ‘ t accept that he didn ‘ t want her because she looked at each issue individually, not as a group. She didn ‘ t see the systemic patterns that indicated that he didn ‘ t want to be with her.

I had her start writing down the things that he did to her as she remembered them. A lot of them, her mind had pushed way down deep because of her denial but they popped up when she dug for them.

Within the first day, she had a list a full page long. Over the next week it became even longer. When she saw all the things that he had done listed in front of her, it was way easier for her to see that he had been treating her badly and sending her signals for a long time that he didn ‘ t want to truly be with her and that she was the only one trying to make it work.

So, take stock of the words and deeds that your guy is saying and doing that don ‘ t make you feel so good. If you see them all together then it might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#5 – Move the #*#& on.

I know it ‘ s hard, hearing me tell you that it ‘ s time to move on.

You have been working for months, or years, to make this relationship work and now I am telling you that it ‘ s time to give up. Ugh.

I have a client who was enmeshed with a narcissistic alcoholic for 10 years. She could not let him go and accept that he didn ‘ t want her. I encouraged her to date and eventually she did.

And it helped so much!

What getting back out there did for her was to remind her that she is beautiful, that there are men who want her, to remember what it felt like to be wooed and appreciated. And, eventually, she did meet a guy who wanted to be with her and treated her like a queen and they are now living happily after.

So, stop sitting around, mooning over someone who doesn ‘ t want you. Put on some high heels, or sneakers, and get back out there. There a million guys out there who would be lucky to have you.

I know that working to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you is not an easy thing.

I know that you so wanted this relationship to work and letting go is killing you.

But, if you can be honest with yourself, recognize the red flags and listen to his words you will get closer to accepting what has happened. And, once you put yourself back out there, you won ‘ t look back, only forward!

You can do this! I promise!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

Are you still feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Still feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you are still feeling depressed after a break up to help you understand and move on.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are still feeling depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

A lot of people find that, when they are still feeling depressed after a break up, they have stopped doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Time wasted.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients who are still feeling depressed after a break up are so because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time and they regret is.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are still feeling depressed after a break up, especially if it ‘ s been awhile, is because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are wondering why they are still depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Knowing why you are still feeling depressed after a break up, even if it ‘ s been a while, will help you get past it.

It is surprising that often times what we think is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self-doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 reasons you are still depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.