Why Having Sex with Your Ex Is a REALLY Bad Idea

/by


I know that you want some – we all need sex – but having sex with your ex is not the answer.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. Having sex with your ex, believe it or not, can make them both worse.

Obviously, break ups happen when there are issues in a relationship and they usually happen after a lot of hurt from both sides. Letting go of each other, while it might be painful, is often a necessary course of action.

Surprisingly, conflict in a relationship can enhance attraction to each other. As a result, exes often go back to each for sex, even after a nasty break up.

And when they do, disaster ensues.

So, why is having sex with your ex a really bad idea? Let me tell you why.

#1 – It ‘ s confusing and anxiety producing.

When we break up with someone, it is always for a reason. We leave or we are left or the decision is mutual. Whatever the reason, we break up.

If you start having sex with your ex, the break up lines are blurred.

If you did the leaving, why are you going back? Are you lonely, bored, horny or are you going back because you regret your decision?

If you were left, does having sex with your ex give you hope that you might get back together? Does it make you happy because you get to spend some time with your ex because if theymight bewith someone else?

If the decision was mutual, does having sex with your ex feel confusing? I mean, you were a couple and you were attached romantically and now you are having sex – not making love? How does that feel?

With few exceptions, being friends, much less friends with benefits, only brings more pain. It confuses people and drags out hurt feelings.

Whether you did the breaking up or are broken up with, walk away. Move on. There is no point wasting time in a physical relationship where the boundaries are blurred and can lead, ultimately, to more pain.

#2 – Fractured attachments.

As I said above, relationships involve sex AND emotion. In a relationship, you are having sex, maybe even great sex, but your heart is also involved. There is nothing more wonderful than making love to someone you care about.

Sex is different, for everyone. For men, sex is often not much more than just a physical release. I had a client who had sex with his soon to be ex-wife the night before their final therapy session. I asked him why. He said that he wouldn ‘ t turn down any opportunity to have sex.

She wanted the marriage to work – he did not. He had sex with her anyway.

I don ‘ t know my client ‘ s ex but I am guessing that when he came to the house and was interested in having sex with her, she believed that the sex could be a signal that he wanted to get back together. I am guessing that when he left, and expressed no indication that he wanted a reunion in therapy the next day, that she was more devastated than ever.

This couple who had been married for 30 years and shared 4 adult children, were devasting each other, beyond their divorce, by continuing their sexual relationship.

#3 – You can ‘ t move on.

I don ‘ t know about you but one of the reasons that I would put myself out to date after a break up was because I was horny. I hadn ‘ t had sex for a while and was motivated to go through the whole dating thing in the hopes of meeting someone special and, well, getting laid.

I know that, if I had been having sex with my ex, I would have been getting what I needed, physically, and might not have been motivated to get out there and find something real.

Furthermore, whether it was you who wanted the break up or your ex, neither of you will be given a chance to move on and find happiness if you are still entangled with each other.

If having sex with your ex keeps you from moving on and finding love, doesn ‘ t that sound like a REALLY bad idea?

#4 – Recurring issues.

You and your ex broke up. You broke up for one, or many reasons. You are no longer a couple because you just weren ‘ t right for each other.

Unfortunately, staying intimate with our ex can only lead to those issues being raised over and over, being hashed out again with no change, and feelings being hurt again and again.

I have had sex with an ex before and, while it was fun, I know that the behaviors that I didn ‘ t like about my ex, like the fact that he would disappear on Sundays or always sent terse texts or that he was vocally conservative, were still there. When we had sex after our break up, those things bugged me, more than ever because I wasn ‘ t as emotionally involved.

So, I would snap and he would get defensive and I would, more likely than not, storm out, angry, promising myself that I would never do this again. And then, one week later, after a call from him, there I would be, naked in bed, no longer horny but definitely irritated.

Lay those issues to rest. Move on.

#5 – Loss of self-respect.

For many people, having sex with your ex can lead to dramatically decreased self-esteem, especially if one person did the leaving.

I know that when I had sex with an ex who I wished I was still with, a guy who basically ignored me until he was horny, I always felt worse after it. I would be so excited in the anticipation but then, when it was over, I was devastated. I knew I was being used, I knew that I was being pathetic and I was embarrassed by my weakness.

After a few months of this, my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I have also seen this happening with couples who have sex with each other even if their break up was amiable. They enjoy getting together but know that they are doing so even if there is no future. They know that it ‘ s holding them back from moving on and finding happiness. They know that, while the sex might be great, they are with a person they really don ‘ t want to be with. And that ultimately doesn ‘ t feel good at all.

So, pay attention to your self-esteem if you are having sex with your ex. I am guessing that it ‘ s not as great as you would like it to be.

Having sex with your ex is a REALLY bad idea because relationships and break ups are complicated and involving sex in the equation only makes things worse.

If you are having sex with your ex, think about the signals that are being sent. Are you both on the same page about what the sex means? Is it keeping you attached in a negative way and preventing you from moving on? Is it bringing up recurring issues and damaging your self-esteem?

Taking a good look at your relationship with your ex and the effect that the sex is having on you and your ex will help you see that having sex after a break up is, more often than not, a horrible idea.

Married and Having an Affair? 5 Pieces of Advice to Keep You Grounded

/by


Are you married and having an affair?

Do you find yourself, to your surprise, straying from your marriage?

Are you wondering how you got there and what to do next?

Let me help!

When we are in the throes of an affair, we often feel like we are drowning. The highs of being with our person are amazing, but the lows that follow can be all-consuming.

And, chances are, we haven ‘ t had an affair before, so we are most likely feeling way out of our depths as to how to handle it.

Let me share with you advice culled from years of working with people who are having an affair, for those who are married and having an affair, so that you can take a good hard look at the choices you are making for the present and the future!

Here Are 5 Ways to Stay Grounded When Married and Having an Affair

#1 – You are not soul mates.

I know that it feels that way.

I know it feels like, after years of marriage with someone who just doesn ‘ t get you, finding someone who does feel like such a gift. It feels like you finally have a chance at the happiness that has been out of reach for so long.

Most people don ‘ t set out to have an affair. They usually start with two people talking about mundane things. Those mundane things shift to more personal things, things you don ‘ t share with your spouse. Before you know it, you feel very attached to your person and are having an emotional affair. More often than not, that attachment becomes sexual in nature, and the physical affair begins.

And you are sure that you have finally found your soul mate and that you are totally justified in having this affair. But this, I am afraid, is just an illusion.

What you are, in fact, feeling right now is that initial excitement that we feel at the beginning of every relationship. That period of time when we stay up all night talking, when every day feels brighter when the sex has never been better.

Over the course of a relationship, that initial excitement transitions into a more comfortable attachment, one that leads to a committed relationship. With people who are having an affair, that transition never happens because there is no committed relationship, just two people who are meeting clandestinely, having a relationship outside of marriage.

So, understand that while you think you are soul mates, you are really two people who have an intense emotional and chemical attraction, whose time together is always exciting because it is an affair!

#2 – You might hurt your children.

One thing that people who married and having an affair don ‘ t think of is the effect that the relationship might have on the children.

I have a client who was having an affair with a friend ‘ s husband. The families spent a lot of time together and, before the affair, that time was healthy. But, as the affair continued, the married couple having an affair brought a different energy to the get-togethers, one that the other spouses and the children didn ‘ t understand but felt.

The families started spending less time together, and the children suffered because of it.

I have another client who was in the same situation, and they were caught. Their children had to deal with the emotional and societal fallout that was the result. They didn ‘ t understand what was happening, all they knew was that things were bad. And I can guarantee that, as a result, those kids were destined to repeat the same mistakes when they grew up.

So, as you move forward with this affair, think about the effect that it might have on your children, both in the short and long term.

#3 – You aren ‘ t addressing the issues in your marriage.

Many people who are having an affair, they are disconnected emotionally from their spouses.

One of the reasons they are drawn into an affair is because they feel angry/lonely/resentful in their marriage. They would like to address those issues to make their marriage strong again, but its way easier to get involved with someone else instead of dealing.

I have a client whose therapist told her that, by continuing her affair, she was having her emotional needs met, and that was keeping her from trying to make her marriage a happy one. The longer the affair continued, the less she required from her husband. Their marriage was suspended in a bad place, with no hope of change.

It ‘ s important that, to have a happy marriage, our spouses meet our emotional and physical needs. If you go outside of your marriage to have those needs met, your marriage just might be doomed.

#4 – You won ‘ t ever be together.

Many married people who are having an affair, they believe that they will ultimately leave their spouse and be with the person who is their soul mate. And that is a goal that they are working towards every day, or so they believe.

The reality is is that leaving a marriage is very difficult. The societal, familial and financial issues that arise paralyze people, leading them to stay in a marriage, even if it is not a happy one.

Divorce can lead to substantial financial issues that affect both spouses. Divorce means visitation with the kids, not seeing them every day. Divorce means having friends needing to take sides. Divorce means letting go of traditions.

It is way easier to continue the affair and be in a marriage that is ‘ ˜good enough ‘ than to take steps to get a divorce. And, if one person is willing to take the step and the other is not, that will lead to even more unhappiness, this time in a relationship that is meant to cause joy.

#5 – You will be caught.

I know that you feel like you are being super careful. That you are using an encrypted app to communicate, that you meet places where you know no one, and that the stories you tell your spouse about why you were late are readily accepted. But the reality is that the longer the affair continues, the more likely it is that you will be caught.

Don ‘ t kid yourself – you will be caught. People make mistakes, the world is small, and karma is a bitch.

Being married and having an affair are way more common than most people think.

15% of married women have affairs, and 25% of married men do. And more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I am hoping that, if you are reading this article, you are considering what to do about your affair – if it truly is something that you want as a part of your life. I know the ups are amazing, but how bad are the downs? Pretty bad right?

So, keep in mind that you aren ‘ t soulmates, that you won ‘ t ever be together, that your children ‘ s health is at risk and that you will be caught.

Are any of those things worth the risk that you are taking every day? Think about it!

 

5 Ways to Stay Calm During an Argument with Your Spouse

/by


Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.

I mean, how many of us have been in a knock down drag out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.

How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing.

There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.

Here are my 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

I know that this seems like aclichébut taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.

When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded.

To counter act this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.

As an example, picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a tractor trailer. I am guessing that you, like me, are gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so. I have discovered that, if I take a deep breath as I pass, my heart stops pounding and I loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see what I mean.

So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.

#2 – Step back but don ‘ t storm out.

A friend of mine once told me that before I react to something that someone has done to me, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to them about it. And if you do, I am guessing that you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.

Sometimes it ‘ s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. I don ‘ t mean to storm off in a huff but to pause, go walk the dog and consider next steps.

Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a knock down drag out really change anything or would a conversation be more productive?

Yesterday I was a furious at my step-father ‘ s new girlfriend for throwing away my mom ‘ s stuff. I reached for the phone to rip her a new one. But then I told myself to pause, finish what I was doing, and then see if I wanted to reach out.

2 hours later I was able to craft a text message that addressed my issues briefly and succinctly. I was able to walk away from the issue knowing that I had kept my calm and reminded her that she violated an existing agreement that she wouldn ‘ t throw my mom ‘ s things away.

So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.

#3 – Don ‘ t take things personally.

For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all.

I have a client who, every time she and her spouse got into something, she immediately reverted back to the idea that he blamed her for everything that was at issue. That he was judging her for whatever had happened and that he thought her incapable of handing things.

As result, their arguments would get out of control and were, therefore, completely unproductive.

When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you?

If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn ‘ t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm in the moment.

#4 – Don ‘ t hold onto soundbites.

You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn ‘ t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward.

Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.

Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘ ˜You always do this. You are a mama ‘ s boy and always put her needs first. ‘ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband makes his mother a priority over you, the fact that you called your spouse a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ could be something that your husband zeros in on to hold over your head during the argument. So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are around his relationship with his mother.

Which will get you nowhere.

So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn ‘ t truly mean that your husband was a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.

#5 – Don ‘ t raise your voice.

Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice.

When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instinctscomes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose.

Instead of yelling, I would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere.

If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don ‘ t have to happen again and again and again.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article, you are eager to change the pattern in your marital spats. So, remember to take deep breaths so that you can think clearer, to step away for a moment, or an hour, to reassess. To try to not to take things personally and hold on to soundbites. And try, really hard, not to yell.

I know that you can do this. We all can make change with awareness. Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.

Feeling Down in the Dumps? 7 Practical Tips to Improve Your Mood

/by


You know those days when you are feeling completely down in the dumps?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Feeling down in the dumps, more often than not, means that you are struggling with some kind of depression. I know the word is scary but it doesn’t have to be.

Knowing how to deal with it can help you move past it and live the life you want!

Let me help you manage the depression. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

From Dumps to Delight: 7 Strategies to Boost Your Mood

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result of your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also be caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, your inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and we cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed, I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed, you are ready.

#3 – Control your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there, and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option, but I just get more depressed when I try and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Get outside.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to get outside and go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two birds with one stone. Or rather, three!

Walking encourages deep breathing, which calms you down quickly. Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5- Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you instead of having them rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with people who love you.

I know. When you are feeling down in the dumps, one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#7 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems, and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse, which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day, and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps more often than not, it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend, and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

/by


There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin