5 Signs You are Ready to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship

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Are you wondering if there are signs that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship?

Did it take you forever to get over the pain of your break up and are you hesitant to put yourself back out there again and be vulnerable?

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it can leave you destroyed and exhausted. The last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship with someone else, someone who might just hurt you all over again.

I believe, however, that taking a risk and stepping back into the dating world is a brave step and an important part of the healing process. Love and happiness are the goals and you are the only one who can reach that goal. But only when you are ready.

So, how can you tell when you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship? Here are 5 signs to help you decide.

#1 – You are no longer obsessed with your ex.

Ok, I don ‘ t mean to shut you down before we even start here. I am guessing that you are still thinking about your ex, especially as you consider getting back out there. Thinking about taking a risk, putting yourself back out there and starting all over again will naturally make you think of the relative security of your ex.

I say ‘ ˜relative ‘ – your relationship never really was secure, was it?

It is essential that, to be ready to date again after a toxic relationship, you have let go of your ex and the ‘ ˜security ‘ that that relationship provided for you. It ‘ s ok to still think about them, to some degree, but the obsession that you felt about them needs to have significantly subsided.

Why? Because as you start to meet new people, if you are still obsessed with your ex, you will only compare them to your date and shut yourself down right away. You most likely will only remember the good parts of your toxic relationship and you will seek those in a new person.

And that is a recipe for disaster because if you find someone like your ex, you will only be repeating history.

So, make sure that you have let go of your ex before you put your toe back into the dating pool.

#2 – You know why the relationship was toxic.

A key part of being ready to date after a toxic relationship is understanding what happened that made your relationship toxic.

A client of mine, after finally escaping a toxic relationship, couldn ‘ t let go of the belief that everything that was wrong in the relationship was all her fault. She believed that if she had only been more understanding, more sexual, more supportive, then her relationship would have flourished.

But the reality is that the toxicity was on both her and her partner. He was controlling and she let him. He was rough in bed and she shut down. He needed her unconditional support, and when he felt that she didn ‘ t give him enough, he was abusive.

After working with me, she came to see that the toxicity wasn ‘ t her fault but a combination of his abuse and her allowing him to abuse her.

Knowing this, knowing that she was a part of what happened but that it wasn ‘ t all her fault, made her more ready to let another person into her life. She knew that she could change her behaviors and reactions and that might save any future relationship from becoming toxic.

#3 – You have rebuilt your self-esteem.

When we get out of toxic relationships, we often feel really horrible about ourselves.

Days, weeks or years of abuse and gaslighting have led us to believe that we are ugly, that we aren ‘ t loveable, that we are worthless.

And the kind of person who believes those things about themselves will only attract other people who feel bad about themselves.

It is essential that, if you are struggling with low self-esteem, you do the work that you need to do to feel better about yourself. Spend time with people who love you, do the things that you have always wanted to do, don ‘ t obsess about the past but look to the future, take care of yourself.

If you feel good about yourself as you head back into the dating world, you will attract the kind of person who feels good about themselves as well.

#4 – You know you will not ignore red flags going forward.

Be honest. When your toxic relationship started, you saw a lot of red flags, didn ‘ t you?

Maybe he told you about toxicity with his ex? Maybe you saw how controlling she could be? Maybe you knew that he had no friends and was obsessed with you?

And, did you ignore those red flags? Did you believe that if you only loved your person enough you could fix them? Were you wrong?

Make sure that, going forward, you are willing to recognize red flags and act on them. Be prepared to walk away. Only by doing so can you find the kind of person who can give you the healthy relationship you seek.

#5 – You really, really want to date.

Dating is hard. Dating takes time and patience. Dating takes a willingness to make yourself vulnerable. If you want to date, you need to make sure that it is something that you really want to do.

Many people come to me, thinking that they are ready to put themselves back out there but they aren ‘ t, for whatever reason, willing to put in the time and energy necessary. They want to sit back and wait for people to come to them. They want to say yes to dates but then cancel. They just don ‘ t have their heart in it 100%. And, when they don ‘ t find their person, they get disheartened and shut down.

So, take a good hard look at yourself and see if you are really and truly ready to put yourself back out there. If you aren ‘ t, don ‘ t do it yet. You will only set yourself up for failure and that will only set your self-esteem back again.

Recognizing that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship is very important to doing so successfully, so that you can find the love you seek.

Make sure that you are longer thinking about your ex all the time. Take the time to look at what happened in the relationship so that you don ‘ t make the same mistakes again and be prepared to notice red flags. Rebuild your self-esteem and don ‘ t put yourself out there before you are ready.

If you can do these things, you will be ready to date again, primed to find the person who can make your dreams come true.

 

Don’t Let an Ex’s Infidelity Sabotage Your New Relationship!

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Have you started seeing the most amazing person but are you realizing that you are letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship?

Did learning that your ex cheated devastate you and leave you with residual PTSD and trust issues?

Struggling with past infidelity is common for people when they get into a new relationship after their old one is torn apart by an affair.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to get over the past and move on to find the happiness you seek.

#1 – Get help.

If your ex ‘ s infidelity is affecting your new relationship, then you most likely have trust issues. You don ‘ t believe that someone else wouldn ‘ t do to you what has been done before.

The best way to get rid of those trust issues is by talking to someone, either a therapist or a life coach. These professionals can help you process why those trust issues exist and help you with tools to manage them so that they don ‘ t control your life or destroy your new relationship.

If you aren ‘ t comfortable talking to someone, do some research online. There are lots of articles out there that will help you dig into your trust issues and teach you how to manage them.

What you shouldn ‘ t do is talk to your friends about these issues. Your friends were probably there for you when you were struggling and they might encourage you to be distrustful of a new person, especially if they too have been cheated on in the past.

Friends are great but they often bring their own stuff into a conversation and that won ‘ t help you get past those trust issues so that you can have thehealthy relationship you want.

#2 – Consider your role in the old relationship.

Infidelity doesn ‘ t happen in a void – there are two partners in every relationship and their issues are usually the result of both parties. I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex cheated but your relationship was fragile enough that your partner strayed, trying to find something that was missing.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetriedish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my relationships since then, I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take a look at your behaviors in your new relationship and make sure that you aren ‘ t repeating ancient history yourself.

#3 – Don ‘ t project old stuff on your new partner.

You have a new partner. They are a wonderful partner. You fell in love with them for a reason. They aren ‘ t your old partner.

One of the biggest challenges innew relationships is that we bring our baggage into it. The feelings about things that happened in the past come with us into that relationship and can wreak havoc when they do so.

If you have done some trust work outside of this relationship it will make it easier for you to recognize that this new person is someone who you can trust until they have shown you otherwise. They are not your old partner, this is not your old relationship and you aren ‘ t the same person you were before.

Even if you haven ‘ t gotten past your trust issues with your ex, you can work to recognize this – that your partner is not your ex and that you can love and trust themuntilthey do something that would make you question them.

#4 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

A key part of trusting someone is communication. If you have insecurities about your partners infidelity, it is important that you address them up front by talking about them.

It is important that your new person know that you have these trust issues, that you have suffered some trauma from the past infidelity. It is also important that they know that you will work to trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

If you suspect that they are doing something that makes them untrustworthy, it is important that you consider whether or not what you are perceiving they are doing is in your head or if there is tangible proof that what you suspect is true.

I have a client whose new partner is SURE that he is cheating on her with his old girlfriend. And how does he know that she thinks this? Because she is talking to their friends about it, not to him. He isn ‘ t cheating but, because she won ‘ t talk to him about it, she has this image in her head that he is cheating, one that might be snuffed out if she discussed it with him.

So, if you are struggling letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship, talk to your person. It will help you manage your fears and hopefully move youforward towards a healthier relationship.

#5 – Have hope.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe that, after all that you have been through, you could possibly have a healthy relationship. You have been cheated on, maybe repeatedly, which probably made your self-esteem plummet and to question who you are in the world.

Why, you think, would anyone ever love you again?

Don ‘ t let yourself believe that! Infidelity happens for a variety of reasons but none of them is because you are a bad person, because you are unloveable. Relationships are hard and they can end badly but that doesn ‘ t make you less than. That makes you human.

It is essential that you work to believe that you are worthy andloveableand amazing and that your new partner would be a fool to cheat on you. Talk to your friends and family, to people who love you, so that you can have a clearer picture of how wonderful you are and how lucky your new partner is to have you.

Because it ‘ s true – you do deserve to be happy!

Knowing how to not let an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship is the key to finding happiness.

If you can get some help managing your trust issues, if you can take stock of your role in your failed relationships, if you can push back on your comparing your new person to your ex, if you can communicate with them before issues occur and if you can believe that you deserve to be happy, your new relationship will flourish and you can live happily ever after.

I know that it might not be easy, but you can do it and you can be happy just like you deserve to be!

5 Reasons Why He Won’t Let You Break Up with Him

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Are you and your boyfriend absolutely miserable and yet, even so, he won ‘ t let you break up with him?

Do you try repeatedly to walk out the door, or ask him to leave, only to have him refuse to leave or refuse to stay away?

Are you going crazy, trying to get out of this relationship and move on?

There are a few reasons why he won ‘ t let you break up with him and understanding them might help you figure out a way to get rid of him for good!

#1 – He wants the power.

When you try to break up with your boyfriend, does he say ‘ ˜ You won ‘ t be doing the leaving ‘ ¦I will. ‘ Does he refuse to respect your wants and needs because it ‘ s all about him?

I have a client who has been having an affair for years and she wants, more than anything, to end it. Whenever she tries, he threatens her, swearing that he will be the only one who decides when they are over. And he usually walks out, only to reappear a few days or weeks later, like nothing had happened.

If your guy wants the power, I would encourage you to dig deep and get some power of your own. If he doesn ‘ t want to leave, you leave, even if only for a few weeks. If he leaves and then tries to worm his way back in, don ‘ t let him. And if you can ‘ t be strong enough to keep him away, try making his life miserable. That just might do the trick.

You have power in this relationship, and in your life. Use it!

#2 – He wants someone to take care of him.

Every guy just wants to be taken care of. No matter how successful or independent they are, having someone tend to their needs is a key part of their happiness.

Imagine if you broke up with him – who would take care of him?

I have a client who took care of her man in a big way. She paid for the furniture for his apartment. She cooked and cleaned and walked the dogs. She was always there, waiting for him when he got home after work. She loved taking care of him, so she did.

As time went on, she felt like he was taking her for granted. He stopped coming home to spend time with her. When he was home, he was crabby. She continued to take care of him but was getting nothing in return. Soon, she decided that she was done.

Whenever she broached the subject of breaking up with him, he begged her to stay. He made promises that he would change, promises of love and forever. And so she stayed and continued to take care of him. And he went right back to taking her for granted.

Guys need someone to take care of them. One reason why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is because he doesn ‘ t want to lose his chief bottle washer.

So, what do you do? You stop taking care of him. That should do the trick.

#3 – He likes the sex.

We all know that men are very much driven by sex. That they think about it 24 hours a day and that they will do almost anything to have easy access to it whenever they can.

And that means you.

If you break up with him, he will no longer have access to the sex that he craves. Instead of coming home to you every night, he will have to make an effort to get some. And, while men love sex, making an effort to get it isn ‘ t always an option.

Furthermore, sex that is the result of conflict, which is often ever-present when people are trying to break up, is really good sex. So why would he walk away from that now?

The cure for this issue – no more sex. Period.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Be honest – isn ‘ t one reason why you have struggled to break up with him because you are wavering a bit? Does the idea of putting yourself back out there and having to date again make you almost wish that you could just stay and make the best of it?

I am guessing yes. And it ‘ s the exact same for guys. Dating is a drag – why would he want to put himself through that, especially if you are taking care of him and having sex with him.

I would encourage you to stop making his home life so comfortable. Start going out with your friends and not sitting around waiting for him. Try to rebuild your single life so that when you are actually out, you are ready to hit the dating ground running!

#5 – He is embarrassed.

Many men are very prideful. To look good in the eyes of others, especially other men, is what drives him to succeed. If you want to break up with him, instead of the other way around, then he loses face.

I have a client whose boyfriend offered to let her break up with him but only if she continued to make appearances for Sunday night dinner at his folks’. He had been through a few relationships before and his brothers gave him a lot of grief about it. The idea of having to take more because his girlfriend had broken up with him filled him with dread. He didn ‘ t want to face it.

Is your guy embarrassed that you are breaking up with him? Is he embarrassed that he has another failed relationship? Has his pride been damaged, big time?

If the answer is yes, I would encourage you to talk to your guy about how you can manage this break up in a way that won ‘ t make him lose face. That way, he can walk away with his head held high, not embarrassed that things didn ‘ t work out, again.

Knowing why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is the key to understanding how you can do so.

He doesn ‘ t want to let go because he wants you to take care of him and to have sex with him. He wants the power to do the breaking up or perhaps he is embarrassed that it ‘ s even an issue. And he doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Now that you know why he won ‘ t let you break up with him, you can take the steps that you need to take, to take back your power, to stop giving without receiving and to make sure that dating again is more appealing than staying with you!

The only way that you are going to find the love and happiness that you desire is if you can get out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but you can do it!

 

Why An Emotionally Strong Woman Gets the Relationship She Wants

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Being an emotionally strong woman is the goal of every woman I know. And it should be.

We are all plagued with emotional issues from our past and present and, as a result, they can bring us down. They can make it impossible for us to be our true selves and get the life and the love that we want.

There are ways to get to be an emotionally strong woman – click this link to learn more.

In my work with clients, educating them on why emotionally strong woman gets what she wants every time is the best motivation for striving to be one!

Here are 5 reasons why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time!

#1 – She knows what she wants ‘ ¦

The number one defining trait of an emotionally strong woman is that she knows what she wants. An emotionally strong woman has taken the time to define what is important to her so that she can live the life she wants to live.

Instead of saying she wants ‘ ˜to be happy ‘ in her relationship, she is more specific. She wants quality time, she wants to feel loved, she wants to trust her person and she wants open communication.

Once she knows what she wants, she can go after it. She can ask her partner for quality time, she can help him understand what she needs to feel loved, she can speak up if she feels like he is being dishonest and she can encourage both of them to communicate effectively.

If you can take the time to figure out what you want, you will be one step closer to being the emotionally strong woman you want to be.

#2 – ‘ ¦and she is willing to ask for it.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients have some sense of what they want in a relationship but find that they are unwilling, or unable, to ask for it.

They say they want quality time but they pretend they are ok when their partner goes out AGAIN. They say they want trust but don ‘ t speak up when they are being deceived. Instead of encouraging conversation, they are passive aggressive and close down when they are upset.

An essential part of being an emotionally strong woman means not only knowing what you want but also being able to reach out and take it.

Can you stand up for yourself in a relationship? Can you tell your partner what you want/need and not settle for anything less? If you can, you are being an emotionally strong woman, one who can find the love and happiness that she desires.

#3 – She values herself.

I have a client who is a psychiatrist. She has been professionally trained to help people process their thoughts and work through issues. She is very good at what she does.

Unfortunately, when she gets into a relationship she brings her training with her.

And what happens? She gives and she gives and she gives to her partner, helping them process their stuff. She wants to help them find health and happiness, just like she does her clients. And, in the process, she lets herself get sucked dry.

An emotionally strong woman will make sure that she values herself in a relationship. That she is willing to love but also to be loved. She does things for her person but allows things be done for her too. She knows that she deserves to be loved and respected and she won ‘ t settle for anything less.

What are you like in a relationship? Do you give and give and give and expect nothing in return? Is doing so sucking you dry? If yes, take a step back and start asking for what you need. If your partner isn ‘ t willing to try to give it to you, walk away.

An emotionally strong woman would do just that!

#4 – She has control of her emotions.

Are you one of those people who gets angered easily? Does it take no more than a few eyerolls to trigger you to yell and scream?

Are you someone who cries at the drop of the hat? Someone who no one can talk to because you are so sensitive and fragile?

Are you someone who gets up and walks away when something isn ‘ t going the way you want it to?

An emotionally strong doesn ‘ t do any of those things. An emotionally strong woman takes a deep breath when she feels anger coming up. She doesn ‘ t stifle her tears but she doesn ‘ t let them interfere with processing an issue. And she never, never walks away from a situation. She stays and she deals and she settles things.

Pay attention to your emotions. Having control of them will help you get the life and the love that you want.

#5 – She doesn ‘ t waste any time.

‘ ˜Life is short ‘ is the motto of any emotionally strong woman.

Have you been stuck in a toxic relationship, hoping for things to change, hoping for things to go back to the way they were, hoping that your person will just become the person you know they could be? Have you been waiting for days, months or even years for this to happen?

An emotionally strong woman doesn ‘ t do that. An emotionally strong woman identifies the issues in her relationship, is proactive in trying to fix them and, if she can ‘ t, she walks away.

No excuses about how she isn ‘ t a quitter or how if she just loves him enough he will change. She recognizes when done is done and moves on.

And that is why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time. Because she knows that the longer she sticks around, the less likely it is that she will find the love that she wants and deserves.

So now you understand why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time.

She knows exactly what she wants and isn ‘ t afraid to ask for it. She values herself, she controls her emotions and she doesn ‘ t waste any time.

I hope this article has been inspirational for you, that you have seen that getting the life that you want is possible – you just need to find that strong inner you!

She is in there! I promise!

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