7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

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7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

One thing is for sure – the availability of great men to date seems to be somewhat limited. As a result, women are often open to dating a married man who is separated. After all, his marriage is over – why not?

Well, let me tell you – dating a man who is not yet divorced is a REALLY bad idea. Yes, he might seem available but he really isn’t.

I know – you don’t want to hear this but good for you for opening this article and reading it. You will be glad that you did!

#1 – He might think that he is ready to date but he isn’t.

I know that, when my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. I felt abandoned and not worthy. I was lonely and believed that no one would ever love me again. Within months, I was on a dating site. On the first date I met a wonderful man and we, in spite of his reservations that I wasn’t yet divorced, started dating. It was amazing at first – and then it was a disaster.

I truly felt like I was ready to date but I wasn’t. I was fresh out of a 20 year marriage. I was struggling with the pain of abandonment. I hadn’t yet processed what had happened in my marriage. I was desperate to be in a new relationship so that I wouldn’t feel lonely.

All of these things affected our relationship in a big way.

Whenever I had contact with my soon to be ex, it upset me. I was clingy with my new guy, desperate to not lose him. I tried to involve him in the details of my divorce, something that he wasn’t interested in doing as he had already been through divorce himself.

Slowly, the relationship died away and I was left lonely and abandoned again. I truly believe that, if we had met after my divorce, this man and I might still be together.

I am sure that your married man is telling you that he is ready – and I am sure that he believes that he is. But he isn’t. Stay away.

#2 – He still has one foot in the door of the marital household – if he is even out at all.

A client of mine got involved with a married man who had separated from his wife. They had four kids under the age of 14. The man and his wife knew that managing those kids on their own and sending them back and forth between households would be difficult so he stayed in the house – albeit in the guest room.

At first my client dealt with this – she had dated a series of douchebags and this guy was great. What she soon learned, however, was that he was still so connected to his life, his kids and the running of his household that he had no physical or emotional space to give her.

More often than not, dates would be cancelled as “something came up.” They couldn’t travel because he needed to be available to his wife and his kids. His wife wasn’t thrilled that he was dating and was not kind about it, which was stressful. Overall, my client had no place in her boyfriend’s life and that only caused her to be resentful.

My client finally found the strength to walk away from this guy, even though he was great. The anger and resentment that she was feeling wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship and she didn’t want to waste her time.

#3 – He is probably still struggling with the divorce.

While your married man who is separated might not believe this, he is probably still struggling with the fact that he is getting divorced, even if he is the one who instigated it.

When people get married, they make vows in front of their family and friends, vows that they will be committed to each other for life. As a result, the marriage ends in divorce, for both parties the feelings are complicated.

Men, especially, can feel at odds with their actions. After all, they did commit to taking care of their wives and have, most likely, done so, at least to some extent. Many men are the major breadwinners and they want to make sure that their wives are taken care of. They are struggling with the fact that they might not see their kids everyday. They might be getting shit from their parents or in-laws, which only feeds their complicated feelings.

When someone’s head and heart are not clear going into a relationship, there is very little room for a healthy love to grow. As a result, the new person gets the short end of the stick when it comes to attention and that can kill a relationship almost before it starts.

 

married man who is separated

#4 – His kids are probably still struggling with the divorce.

When husbands and wives who have kids decide to divorce, things are often very clear for them. They know that their marriage is over and have decided that its time to take steps. For the kids, its no so black and white.

While some kids shrug their shoulders and seem to be non-plussed by a divorce, for many kids the divorce is a major blow to their lives. The life that they have always known is over and the future is uncertain. When one of their parents starts dating, things can really take a turn for the worse.

One of my clients was dating a married man who was separated. His 16 year old daughter was angry that her father had moved on so quickly after her parents’ separation. When my client came along that pushed her over the edge.

The anger that his daughter felt towards her father got redirected towards my client. She believed that my client was the cause of the divorce. She believed that her mother was being wronged. She believed that my client was a horrible person who had no place in her life. As a result, she refused to meet her and badmouthed her continuously to her father.

The result of this was two fold. First, my client was devastated that she was on the receiving end of so much vitriol. She felt like she was a good person who had fallen for a man, not some conniving women who was trying to steal a father away from his daughter. The situation led to a fair amount of resentment on her part.

And, as his daughter became more and more vocal about her dislike of my client, her married man became resentful of her as well. After all, his daughter was the light of his life and if she didn’t like his girlfriend, he didn’t want to upset her. He started to put her first above my client and do whatever he could to keep his daughter happy. Again, my client became resentful of this and soon walked away, even though she really like her guy.

#5 – He might just be using you for emotional support – or sex.

Again, your married man who is not yet divorced most likely truly believes that he is ready to date but, as I said, he is not. So, while he is attached to you, it is very like that he is attached to you for the emotional support that you give him and the amazing not-married sex.

I am not saying that your married man is using you maliciously. He most likely fell into your relationship and, as it grew, he became more and more attached to the emotional support that you gave him. After all, his life is complicated and perhaps many people are angry with him. To have you there, telling him that he is wonderful and listening to his tales of woe is very comforting.

And – you are having sex with him. Your married man has most likely been fairly sex-free for a past period of time as his marriage died. Now, here he is, with a woman who truly longs for him and who is willing to have sex a lot!

What kind of man would walk away from either of those things? You are making this difficult time in his life easier. While this is wonderful for him, what is in it for you?

#6 – Divorces are messy.

If you are single and have never been through a divorce let me tell you something – divorces are messy. Very messy.

Most likely your boyfriend and his wife are going to have to go through the process of dividing their assets – who gets the house, the cars, the furniture, the jewelry. While he says that he doesn’t want anything, he will. They are going to have to figure out how to sustain two households with the same income with which they managed one. They are going to have to figure out any custody arrangements for their kids and who is going to spend holidays where.

And they are going to have to do all of this with lawyers and mediators involved, and have it all approved by a judge, something that can be scary and anxiety inducing, particularly if they haven’t done it before.

And where, I ask you, do you fit into this situation? Are you willing to be his sounding board, someone who advises him on what the best thing is to be done? To be the one would listens while he rails on about his greedy ex-wife? Who has to deal with the distraction and time spent away dealing with it all?

That doesn’t sound very fun, does it?

#7 – Starting a relationship with stress and drama does not lead to happily ever after.

Relationships are supposed to start out in a good way. People meet, they feel the connection, they share their stories and stay up all night sharing their hopes and dreams. The have tons of sex, do lots of fun activities and are riding a high that they believe they will never come down from. In a healthy relationship, these highs settle down to a comfortable happiness that moves the relationship forward.

If you are involved with a married man who is not yet separated, you will have very little of this initial happiness. Yes, you might have moments of new relationship bliss but those moments will be interspersed with the things I detailed above. You might feel the stress of his financial worries, have to deal with a resentful child, get frustrated at being fourth on the list of his priorities. You might find you and your beau disagreeing with his choices and fighting about what is next.

Let me ask you – which of these relationship beginnings will lead to a healthy relationship? The one that starts with happiness and hope or one that starts with anger and frustration?

Don’t waste your time, hoping that, once his divorce is done, you will live happily ever after. The chances, I am afraid, are minimal.

I wish I could say that dating a married man who is separated is something that could lead to your happily ever after.

After all, that’s what we all want – happily ever after.

I am sorry to say that, no matter how great he is, your still married man is going to disappoint you. He won’t want to, and might even tell you that he won’t, but he will. And, when your relationship ends, you will be left alone, needing to start over on your journey to find love.

So, find the strength to not choose married men who are not yet divorced, and walk away if you have already started dating one! You will be happy you did!

7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

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7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but not really sure. I get it! So many of my clients come to me, wondering if their marriage is a toxic one.

When we are struggling in a toxic marriage, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. A therapist of mine once likened being in a bad relationship to being caught underwater in a moving river – the water bubbling all around your head, disorienting you, making it hard think clearly.

Well, that is what life coaches (specifically me!) are here for – to help their clients understand the realities of their marriage so that they can be empowered to decide on their next course of action.

So that end – let me share with you the psychological facts about toxic marriages that nearly everyone misses, so that you can figure out your next steps.

#1 – Your spouse is not your “soul mate.”

So many of my clients tell me that their spouse is their “soul mate.” That they have never loved or been loved the way that they do and are with their husband or wife. And I get it. But that idea is, I am afraid, just a tad delusional.

Let me ask you this – if you are in a marriage that is toxic, perhaps being emotionally or physically abused by a partner, how can that person be your “soul mate?” How can someone who is your “soul mate” be someone who is willing to cause you so much pain?.

More likely, instead of being your “soul mate,” you and/or your spouse are most likely trauma bonded. No matter the length of your marriage, your primary relationship has been a toxic one. One that involves anger and sadness and mistreatment and contempt and name calling and swearing and abuse. When that is how one, or both, members of a marriage live every day, those kind of toxic emotions become normalized. In fact, when those kind of strong emotions, even if they are negative, aren’t present, it can feel really uncomfortable. Hence – the trauma bonding. You believe that, in order to feel, you must be with THIS person, even if they make you feel bad!

7 psychological facts about toxic marriages

#2 – Great sex does not mean a great marriage.

I can’t tell you how often I hear this one from clients – that they have amazing sex so their marriage must still be good, right? Well, wrong.

One of the reasons that a sex life can quiet down during a marriage is because of the familiar – that as a relationship normalizes and the initial chemical surges calm down, that drive for sex can be reduced as well. This is not a bad thing – its just they way the chemical reactions in our body work.

When you are in a toxic marriage, those intense emotions have not calmed down. They have, in fact, become heightened over this time, in a negative way. Couples in toxic marriages are more often than not struggling with these strong emotions. Whether it be sadness or anger or contempt or frustration, these kind of heightened emotions can lead to a increased desire for sexual release. As a result, couples who live in this state of conflict more likely than not have more sex then people in calmer marriages.

A great example of this is break up sex, a way more common thing than one might think (and something that I have indulged in more than once – with different boyfriends!). The desire to break up with someone is usually connected in some way to intense emotions of some kind. As a result, we want to have sex, even though we are breaking up. Now, think about a toxic marriage. Pretty much all of the sex in a toxic marriage is break up sex – soon followed, most likely, by make up sex.

Both of which are quite exciting – and very addictive.

#3 – It’s not all your fault.

If there is one thing that all of my clients who are struggling in toxic marriages have in common is that they believe that it is all their fault.

They believe that if they could just be nicer or wear more makeup or be more patient or have more sex or don’t ask for much their relationship could be fixed. And they really believe this. Before they find me, many of my clients have tried one or more of the above in an attempt to fix their marriage.

Well, let me tell you, from personal experience, that your toxic relationship will not be fixed by you not being who you are. Yes, of course, you can change toxic behaviors that you might bring into a relationship but that won’t fix your marriage. Why? Because your toxic marriage is not all your fault!

In every marriage, there are two people and in every marriage there are two people involved in making it good or bad. Perhaps you aren’t as nice to your husband as you might be but I am guessing that you didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be a bitch. I am guessing that, over time, something has happened in your marriage that led to that behavior. In a healthy marriage, you being a bitch, and what your spouse is doing to cause your to react that way, are both addressed to settle an issue. In a toxic marriage, if one person is willing to take all the blame for its problems, the other person will be happy to give them away.

So, know that fixing yourself isn’t going to fix your relationship. What is happening is not all your fault. I know that it might feel that way – and that perhaps you are even being told that it is that way – but its not!

#4 – You are not kidding anyone, particularly your kids.

I have a client who has four grown children. All of them are embarking on adult relationships of their own and all of them are struggling. We have been working together to try to help her support them. As we have gotten to know each other, I have learned that my client has a husband who is very abusive. Her kids grew up in a home where their father was always angry and their mother was always trying to hide this anger from the kids. She truly thought that she had done a good job doing so..

The reality is is that she wasn’t kidding anyone. While she tried her hardest, her kids were still exposed, over the many years of their childhood, to the toxic behaviors of their father (and to some extent her toxic behaviors because their mother put up with it). As a result, they are now struggling in their own relationship with the girls finding men who don’t treat them well and the boys exhibiting frustration through anger.

This happens all the time – that people believe that they are successfully hiding their toxic marriage from friends and family. And, of course, sometimes it can be done but, more often than not, its just not possible. This is especially the case with children. They have big eyes and ears and hearts and the tangled web of emotions that exist in a toxic marriage are always simmering in the background and their little bodies just soak them right up. And, because they are kids and don’t understand these grown up emotions, the confusion will set them up for a world of hurt!

#5 – Things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Oh goodness – if I had a quarter for every client who tells me that they are waiting for things to go back to the way that they were in the beginning I would be a very rich life coach.

The beginning of relationships are always wonderful. The initial chemical reaction. The emotional connection. The romance. The great sex. The all night talks about hopes and dreams. It’s all the stuff, literally, of fairy tales.

Unfortunately, as a relationship develops, those initial intense emotions shift. In a healthy relationship, they shift in a positive way, one where a couple settles in to a secure, loving relationship. In a toxic relationship, those emotions lead to hurt, anger and disillusionment. Where, my clients wonder, is the person who they fell in love with?

I am afraid that, whether you are in a good marriage or a bad one, your relationship will never be the way that it was in the beginning. Holding onto the hope that it ever will is an exercise in futility. This is particularly the case if you are in a toxic marriage. No matter how hard you work on a relationship, it will never be what it was in the beginning nor will your spouse ever be exactly the person they were.

So, if you are staying in a toxic marriage because you believe that things could go back to the way that they were in the beginning, I am sorry to tell you this but it just won’t happen.

#6 – “We never fight” doesn’t not mean your marriage is fine.

I know that, when my marriage ended, I thought to myself – but we never fight. How can we possibly be getting a divorce? Our marriage was fine enough, right? After all, so many of our friends fought more than we did.

Well, it turns out that not fighting is not the sign of a healthy relationship nor is it the key to getting one.

A healthy marriage is all about communication – whether its positive or negative it’s important for people to be able to speak their truth and be heard. It’s not an easy thing to do – to be honest – but its a very important part of any healthy relationship.

When spouses don’t fight, it means that they aren’t expressing their feelings. It means that they are just stuffing down whatever frustrations they might have to a place where they will simmer until they boil over. My kids tell me that while my ex and I never fought, the tension was always in the air. They knew that we were holding things in and generally knew when they were going to come out.

The biggest gift that our divorce gave them was that they no longer had to wait for those eruptions.

So, if you and your spouse don’t fight – its not a good thing, I am afraid.

#7 – You really do deserve better.

Be honest. How do you feel about yourself these days?

Are you happy with who you are in the world. Do you wake up in the morning with a mostly positive outlook for your day? Do you take care of yourself? Are you being a good friend or a good parent? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think that you are in pretty good shape?

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t feeling so good about yourself. Any amount of time in a toxic relationship can be really hard on one’s self esteem. Being unhappy or on the receiving side of anger or feeling hopeless about the future are all things that can eat away at one’s self-esteem. And when one’s self esteem is damaged, its difficult to believe that one deserves any better than their unhappy marriage.

I can promise you that you 100% deserve better. We all do. You deserve to love and be loved and not live your days in misery. If you can take that first step fixing or getting out of your toxic marriage you will be taking one step towards rebuilding that self esteem and getting the love that you want.

I know that accepting these psychological facts about toxic marriages might be difficult.

After all, who wants to admit that their marriage is toxic and that something must be done. We make vows when we get married and not one wants to break their vows!

So, take a look at the facts that I have shared. Are they in any way related to your marriage? If yes, its time for you to figure out next steps!

7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t Want to Hear

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7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t want to Hear

One thing that every single one of my clients who is having an affair with a married man talks about is how their man’s marriage is a disaster; that they don’t understand how he can exist in it and that it should be a no-brainer to leave. Every one.

And what I tell everyone of them is  – “Actually, it’s not that simple.”

Of course, no woman having an affair with a married man wants to hear this. Their man’s miserable marriage is a part of how women rationalize what they are doing.

That being said, it essential that you, the “other woman,” understand truths about your married man’s marriage so that you can move forward with 100% clarity.

#1 – His wife is not a complete raving lunatic, no matter what he says.

I am sure that you have heard over and over what a raging lunatic your married man’s wife is. Or how she is so depressed that she can’t function or that religion has taken over her life or that she is controlling and manipulative. And I am sure that you believe him. After all, why would he lie?

Now I am not saying that your married man is lying, per se, but rather that this description of her is his story and one that he is going to stick to. After all, how else can he justify himself having an affair?

What I can tell you is that every marriage is long and hard but that in every marriage there are two people. Over time, the 1000 little cuts that occur in a marriage can cause a myriad of hurts, hurts that that can wear someone down emotionally. As a result, married people don’t always behave as calmly or respectfully as they might like.

I am guessing that your married man has hurt his wife – as I am sure that she has hurt him. She hasn’t just become a raving lunatic overnight. Of course she might be unkind or disrespectful but she isn’t that way in a void. She is this way because she is unhappy. And she is, I promise, very unhappy in her marriage.

#2 – She is married to someone who would cheat on her.

Think about this one very carefully, especially if you are in an affair with a married man who you are hoping will leave his wife for you.

Your married man is the kind of person who would cheat on his wife.

I am guessing that you are rationalizing his behavior because he is desperately unhappy and what else could he do? That you are soul mates who are destined to be together. But the reality is is that there are many men who are unhappily married who don’t cheat.

Of course, being unhappily married is extremely difficult and ideally every man who is unhappily married would join with his wife to find support to manage this unhappiness. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. As a result, men can look for other means of coping, some of them healthy and some of them not. Perhaps they exercise more or spend time with friends. Or perhaps they work harder or, tragically, drink too much. Whatever their coping skills, what they don’t do is cheat. They abide by the vows of their marriage, in spite of what they are struggling with.

Your married man is not one of those men who has chosen a coping skill that does’t involve sex with another woman. Is that someone who you would want to be married to? Perhaps that she is married to the kind of man who would cheat is one of the reason that your married man’s wife is such a “bitch.”

#3 – Your married man and his wife are still very much a couple.

Let me guess. Has your married man told you that he and his wife aren’t even a couple anymore? That they never spend time together, they don’t have the same interests, they can’t agree on anything and that they never have sex? I am guessing that the answer to at least some of these things is “yes.”

Well, let me tell you that your married man and his wife are still very much a couple. While they might not get along all the time (or ever) they are still married. They have friends who they socialize with. They have extended family who are visited on holidays. They have children’s sporting events that are watched every weekend. There are family holidays that need to be taken. All of those things are things that your married man and his wife do together. And, I can promise you, that they do, at times, enjoy doing these things together.

Of particular note is the fact that your married man and his wife live in the same house. There are dinners to be had, TV shows to be watched, chores to be done. And, whether or not they have children, at times at least, they do these things together.

I know that he tells you that he and his wife never do things together but they do. Every day.

#4 – They were madly in love once too.

I know that this is hard to conceive of but your married man and his wife were madly in love once. They met, they fell in love, they got married. Even if he tells you that he never loved her, he did.

And, while they might not love each other they way they used to, or barely even at all, there is a love there, love that is born of longevity and shared experience. This is why so many people have a hard time letting go of relationships, even if they are toxic – because of past emotional experiences and time spent together.

So, while your married man says that he doesn’t love his wife, and maybe even never did, remember – he fell in love with her once and that love still exists on some level.

truths about your married man's marriage

#5 – They have mutual obligations to each other.

On the most practical level, your married man and his wife have obligations to each other. They probably have a mortgage or a lease. They might have a car loan and perhaps credit card debt. They might have children they share or a dog they are both very attached to. Your married man is in a relationship that he can not easily disentangle himself from.

Even more important, your married man probably feels like he has a responsibility to continue to take care of his wife. I have a few clients who are married men having affairs and, without exception, they feel like it is imperative that they continue to take care of their wives.

Even in this world where men and women are equal, men still have an instinctual compulsion to take care of their women and their children. In many marriages, the men make more money and their wives are financially reliant on them. Furthermore, many men feel that they are responsible for the health and safety of their wives. For the things that they need so that they can have a good life. They want to make sure that they are taken care of, no matter what.

And these compulsions are not things that your married man will walk away from easily. He might very well have been brought up to take care of women and, if he has been doing it for a long time, especially, he will have a very hard time letting go.

#6 – They have a history. And, most likely, a future.

This is another thing to consider when you hear your married man complain about how horrible his life and his marriage is. Your married man and his wife have history, and, maybe even a future.

Think about it. Your husband and his wife have shared a life. They have friends they might have known for years, probably friends who are also married. They each have an extended family and those families have mingled regularly. They have kids who they have watched grow up. They have shared experiences, both good and bad, experiences that have joined them in some way.

And – even if he does leave her and they get divorced – your married man and his wife will have a future together, especially if they have kids or pets.

I know that it feels like that if your married man leaves his wife, that will be that and you will live happily ever after. But the reality is is that your married man and his wife will always be connected. Perhaps he has to pay her alimony. Or they have to meet to exchange the kids. Perhaps their aging parents will get sick and they will need to support each other. They might see each other at social events. Whatever the reason, your married man and his wife have a future together. One that you most likely won’t be a part of.

# 7 – His wife is most likely in charge.

One of the things that I learned in my 20 years of marriage is that I was the one who was in charge of our lives.

While we might have started out as equals, as we bought a house and had kids and developed a social life, I was the one who took over. I was the one who managed the kids schedules, bought birthday and Christmas presents, planned social events and arranged vacations. And I was happy to do it – but only if it was done my way.

And my husband – he knew the rules and was nonetheless perfectly happy to do things this way.

What I know now is that most husbands just want to keep their wives happy. If their wives are happy, there is no drama and emotions to deal with and the chances that they will get sex is dramatically higher. As a result, they keep their heads down, try to follow instructions correctly and get through the day with their heads fully intact.

So, what does this mean? Why should her being in a charge mean anything to you? Because your married man is so used to following instructions that the chances that he will advocate for himself and get out of the marriage are infinitesimal. Your married guy knows that, if he asks for a divorce, there will be drama and emotions, both things that he just isn’t equipped to deal with.

I know that these truths about your married man’s marriage might be hard to accept.

After all, you are having an affair with a married man and you are living in a bubble.  You are living in a bubble where you believe that your love will conquer all. That he will see how much better his life will be if he is with you. That, ultimately, he will choose you.

Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you. Yes, you love him and are there for him and you have fun together and the sex is great but your married man is married. Your married man has a full life of which you are not a part of and his wife is. And this is a life that he most likely won’t, in spite of his promises, ultimately leave.

9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After a Devastating Divorce

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9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

First off all, if you have survived a devastating divorce, good for you! You might have just gone through one of the worst times of your life but you came out the other side intact and are now ready to reinvent yourself!

And reinventing yourself is one of the most important things to do after a divorce. To let go of the person you were in your unhappy marriage and embrace a new you – a new you who will go out into the world to live and find love.

I am not saying that you must totally cast aside who you were in the past but a few tweaks could make a big difference in what the rest of your life looks like!

Here are 7 ways that you can reinvent yourself after your divorce, tried and true ways employed by me and my clients!

#1 – Take a good hard look at who you were in your marriage.

No matter whether someone leaves or was left in a marriage, there were two people in that marriage all along, two people who brought it to the place where divorce was an option.

It is important that, after a devastating divorce, you pause and figure out who you were in the marriage and what role your behavior played in the end of it.

For me, my husband left me for another woman. I was destroyed by the fact that he walked out on me. For a while I played the wronged woman card, someone who was abandoned through no fault of my own. Eventually, however, the role of the victim got old and I had to take a good hard look at the woman I had been in my marriage and how that person influenced its demise.

What was I like? I always put my kids first. And the dogs. And my friends. I always wanted things my way. Instead of telling him how I felt, I was passive aggressive. I treated him with contempt. I stopped being physical with him in any way.

Gosh – looking at myself as a whole, I wouldn’t have wanted to be married to me either.

Of course, me being this way didn’t happen in a void – he was responsible, to some extent, for my behaviors –  but the reality was that this was who I had been and who I could very well take into my next relationship.  I really didn’t want to do that.

So, in order to reinvent yourself, you must start at the beginning – understanding who you were before the divorce so that you can understand what exactly it is you need to reinvent.

#2 – Once you see yourself, consider how you want to do things differently.

Many people go out into their lives after a divorce, hoping that things will be different for them. Unfortunately many people don’t know exactly what specifically being different looks like. They just move forward, living their lives and dating, without any understanding of what specifically they want to do differently.

Once you have recognized the role that you played in your marriage, it’s time to dig deep and identify how you want to be going forward. For me, I knew that I wanted to be the kind of person who put other people first, at least some of the time. I wanted to learn to speak up for myself. I wanted to understand why I struggled with physicality when I was upset. I wanted to make sure that I treated a new partner with respect.

With this consciousness about what how I wanted to present in the world, I was able to set out to do so. Instead of throwing things against the wall to see what stuck, I was aware of how I was in relation to other people – how I treated them and how I let myself be treated.

By living consciously, I was able to make the change in myself that I sought to make. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen!

#3 – Reconnect with the person you were before you got married.

I am guessing that you are very different from the person you were when you got married. I know that, after 20 years of marriage and two kids, I couldn’t have been further from the girl who got married at 28.

That being said, that 28 year old girl, with her hopes and dreams, was still inside me. And, in order to move forward with my life in a meaningful way, getting in touch with her again was vital.

When I looked back at my younger self, I remembered how much I loved living in a city. I had been living in the country for a few decades and had forgotten. I was selling real estate at the time of my divorce but I remembered that I had always wanted to be a therapist. I had had dogs for 20 years but had always wanted a cat.

So, what did I do? I tried to revisit those dreams and see what I could do with them. To that end, I became a life coach. I moved to New York City and I got not one but two cats. For a while there, I felt like that 28 year old girl again, looking to the future with hopes and dreams, which set me off on the path to success at mid-life.

Are there things about your pre-marriage self that you might like to revisit? Do it!

reinvent yourself after divorce

#4 – Rearrange your space.

One of my favorite stories is about a client who, after her divorce, totally rearranged her house. If she had been in charge of the world she would have sold it but she couldn’t so she did the next best thing – she moved everything around.

First she got rid of everything that held any kind of negative energy from her marriage, even if they were things that she felt she “must” keep around for the kids. Then, she swapped the furniture in her living and master bedrooms. She bought herself a new bed and mattress and painted the bedroom walls a light pink, a color that her ex always hated. Before she knew it, she had a whole new space, one that was all hers. The vestiges of her marriage that had been bringing her down, something that she didn’t really realize was happening, were tossed out the door. Lighter and newly energized, she moved forward to get the life that she wanted.

#5 – Get out there and do something that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married, we tend to do married couple things. This isn’t a bad thing – it’s just often something that happens after years of marriage. What drops to the wayside are things that we want to do that our spouse might not want to or that there isn’t time for.

Now is the time to do those things.

What kind of things would you want to do? It can be things big or small. I always wanted to go to Peru. I did that. A client had always wanted to horseback ride. She did that. Perhaps its get a tattoo, or dye your hair blue, or pierce your nose (something my furniture rearranging client did). Perhaps its sleeping on the left side of the bed or sleeping later on the weekends.

Truly, doing whatever it is that you have always wanted to do, no matter how big or small, is a key part of reinventing yourself after a divorce. After all, part of your reinvention is being someone who has experiences that she didn’t have during her marriage.

#6 – Spend time with old friends and new.

For many of us, marriage leads to letting go of some friendships. Maybe it’s because a friend and a spouse didn’t get along. Perhaps its because of geographical distance. Perhaps its because of a lack of time. Perhaps its just apathy. For whatever reason, when we are married, we can let go of people who are important to us.

Now is the time to fix this!

Think about friends from your recent or distant past who it would be fun to reconnect with. I know for a client of mine, getting involved in a Zoom group of people she went to college with was life changing. They were people who she had shared a formative part of her life and reconnecting with these people put her in touch with who she was but also inspired her to think about what she wanted to do next. Outside of Zoom calls, she plays tennis with someone she didn’t know well in college but connected with in the group. She has traveled to Boulder and California to see other friends. She has plans for a girls trip to Mexico in the spring.

So, now that you are single and most likely have a little bit more time to yourself, make an effort to reach out to people from your past, and maybe make some new friends along the way.

#7 – Get yourself some professional support.

I know – none of us wants to get professional support, whether it be from a therapist or a life coach. After all, we are tough. We can get through these things on our own.

Unfortunately, in this case, reinventing yourself after your divorce might be nearly impossible without some kind of support.  Why? Because, more likely than not, you have never gone through a divorce before and, as a result, you have no idea how to manage it.

Of course, you have friends and family who want to support you and those friends and family love you but aren’t necessarily the best means of support. Friends and family are likely to tell you only what you want to hear, which isn’t always helpful. They might also bring their own experience or agenda into their support, like a sister who had a bitter divorce and wants to make sure that you do things the way that she did so that you can get a good outcome, even if its not the right outcome for you.

Talking to a life coach or therapist will help you get impartial, professional help from someone who has helped others through the experience. They will be supportive but they will also help you face some hard truths, truths that could be the key to you getting through the divorce and being able to reinvent yourself.

Look into finding some support. It doesn’t have to be forever – it just needs to get you through this difficult time.

#8 – Choose your social media carefully.

This is a really important one – really important.

When we are going through a tough break up, we often turn to social media to find support. After all, there are a jillion people out there who are willing to share their experience and their “expertise” with you. And it’s free.

Unfortunately, what you see on social media only reinforces how you are feeling or the way that you are thinking. It doesn’t give you an opportunity to learn or for growth. The algorithm will connect you with people who are feeling the way that you are now – angry, bitter or perhaps lost. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain. When you see those things over and over, it won’t help you move forward.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up,  I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity.

#9 – Have faith in yourself.

I am guessing that, in the aftermath of your divorce, you are struggling with low self-esteem. After all, for whatever reason, your marriage has failed. You had hoped to live happily ever after but it just didn’t happen.

As a result, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself, your place in the world and your prospects for the future. And I get it – I have been there.

What I want to remind you is that you are still here. You have survived your divorce and, instead of curled up in a ball on the couch, you are reading this, figuring out what is next. You might be beaten down and exhausted but you haven’t give up yet.

I always tell my clients that, more than likely, this isn’t the first time you have been beaten down. That you have felt overwhelmed and depleted and maybe even hopeless. You have been through hell and come out the other side at least somewhat intact. Perhaps a little bit battered but you have still emerged.

You will emerge again. The person you are right now isn’t the person who you will be forever. You will do what you need to do to move forward and you will get to a place where you will be happy and self-confident again.

If you can have faith in yourself and take the steps you need to take to move forward you will not only survive but you will thrive. I promise!

I know that the idea of being able to reinvent yourself after your divorce is daunting.

And I get it! Many many women have been in the boat that you are in now, feeling like they have lost their paddle. But, I can promise you, you have it in you to pick up that paddle and move forward in your life.

So, get up off the coach, take a look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. Because you can!

7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

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7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

Many people reach out to me wondering if they can ever rebuild trust with their partner after he cheated.

After all, learning that the person who says that they love them has stepped out on them is horrible; they are beyond devastated and not sure if their relationship can possibly be saved.

I always tell them not to despair – it might not be easy but it is possible to rebuild trust after he cheated. Its just a matter of understanding the steps to take to do so.

Here are the steps that I always encourage my clients to take so that they can rebuild their relationship and live happily every after.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are committed to rebuilding trust.

For many women, after discovering that their partner has cheated, they are so angry about the infidelity that they aren’t sure that they can ever get over it.

The picture in their mind of their partner’s affair partner is always at the forefront. The movie of their partner having sex with another person plays over and over in their head, often to the point that they can’t let it go. They have so many questions about what happened that their partner can’t answer. And their self-esteem is blown to shit.

Are you feeling this way? Probably, because you are reading this article. And I totally get it. I felt that way when I discovered that my ex had cheated on me.

The question is – can you, in spite of these images in your mind and the destruction of your self-esteem, see yourself forgiving your partner? Can you picture yourself staying with them even though they have hurt you so deeply?

It is important that you have an answer to this question before you start down the road to trying to heal your relationship. If you aren’t fully committed to making it work, it won’t work. That being said, if you aren’t sure if you can move on but would like to try, that is an answer too. Unless you are very clear in your mind that you are done, as many women are, then certainly take the next steps.

#2- Ask your partner if he is committing to doing the work.

So many of my clients say that they are going to fight for their relationship, that they aren’t quitters and that they aren’t going to quit now. And I always applaud a woman who isn’t a quitter but, unfortunately, sometimes not being a quitter doesn’t work the way they hope it will.

You see, to rebuild trust in a relationship, both couples must be willing to the work. Both people must be willing to dig deep and make the effort, to work together towards healing their relationship. If one person is all in and the other isn’t, rebuilding trust just won’t be possible.

I know that when my ex cheated on me, right away I was the one on the margins and he and his affair partner were the priority. I think that, in his mind, he believed he wanted to do the work and save our marriage, but, really, he was already aligned with his affair partner and wasn’t able to move forward with me. While I fought this for a while, ultimately, I knew that he wasn’t even remotely into fixing things and I moved on.

So, ask your partner if they are truly ready to do the work to rebuild trust, if they are committed to letting their affair partner go and moving forward as a couple, working to make change. If he is, then you are ready to take the next steps.

#3 – Ask the questions that you need to have answered.

I am sure that you have lots of questions that you would like answered. How the affair started. Who this person is who cheated with your partner. How often they met. How long the affair was going on. Why did they do it. And these are all valid questions that you might want answered. So ask them.

For many men, after it is discovered that they cheated, they actively want to rebuild trust and keep their relationship. Unfortunately, many men struggle to have the tools to make it happen. Most specifically, many men don’t want to discuss what happened but want to “let it go and move on.” They are angry with themselves for what they have done and how they have hurt their wives and they just don’t want to have to rehash what has happened. As a result, they aren’t willing to open up and answer their wives questions.

And, unfortunately, sweeping what happened under the rug will not be acceptable to any woman who is asking questions. She wants to know and that he isn’t willing to talk about it will not only shut down any progress towards healing but also cause her more pain.

That being said, I always tell my clients to understand what will happen if they have their questions answered. If they know the nitty gritty of what the affair looked like, that information will always be in their head, maybe preventing them from being able to get past what happened.

So, do ask the questions that you want answered but make sure that the information you need is something that will actually be helpful.

#4 – Ask yourself what you will need to feel like you can trust your partner again.

Trust is the key to every healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship has no hope of survival. That being said, for each person, trust looks like something else. It is important that you not only know what you will need to be able to trust your partner but that your partner will be willing to do those things for you.

What kind of things might work for you to rebuild trust?

Perhaps its being able to have access to his phone. Perhaps its knowing where heis at all times, at least for the foreseeable future. Its confirmation that he won’t have ANY contact with their affair partner. Perhaps its even talking to the affair partner (something that I NEVER recommend because the affair partner has no motivation to help you rebuild your relationship and will tell you things that could very well hinder your healing.).

So think about what kind of things will you need from your partner to help you feel like you can trust him again? And, even more importantly, will your partner be willing to give you those things?

#5 – Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

You might not be consciously aware of this but what has happened has most likely done a lot of damage to your self-esteem. You might be asking yourself what is wrong with you that your person cheated on you. You might be asking yourself if it was your personality or your body or your sex life that made your person step out on you.  You might be beating yourself up for not know that something was going on.

The reality is is that your partner cheating and its not because of anything that is wrong with you.  Yes, there is something going on in your relationship that gave your person the space to cheat on you but that thing isn’t all your fault. There are two people in every relationship and both people are responsible for making sure it stays healthy.

Now it is time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Perhaps you need to spend more time with friends (not always processing what is going on but also doing things together that make you feel good). Perhaps it’s working out more, or even taking regular walks. Perhaps you need to get away for a weekend, or for him to go away for the weekend, so that you can get your thoughts together.

It’s important that you take time during this time of stress to take care of yourself so that you can believe in yourself again and be able to do the hard work that needs to be done.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#6 – Don’t scour TikTok looking for other women who have been cheated on but rather seek interactive support.

So many of my clients look to TikTok and Instagram to find the answers that they need to understand why their partner cheated and how to get past it. And, unfortunately, much of what they find on social media won’t be helpful.

The reality is is that the people who post on TikTok about infidelity in their relationship are often people who have not been able to heal things. They are bitter and angry about what has happened and are willing and eager to go on and on about their partner’s infidelity and what douchebags men are in general.

What you will not find online are people who have successfully been able to rebuild trust after he cheated. Why? Either because they are happy in their relationship and don’t feel like they need to go online and share or because the algorithm is built to entertain and way more people watch the ranting videos then any happy ones that might be out there.

Another reason that going on social media to find the answers to your questions is a bad idea is because everyone’s story is different. Everyone cheats for different reasons and everyone reacts differently to their partner cheating. If you see someone ranting on about their cheating partner and how they did X,Y and Z, you might be led to believe that your partner did that as well, even if they didn’t. And that won’t help you with your relationship.

What I encourage women to do is to try to find a support group, one that involves give and take. Relying on one person’s emotional and edited version of what happened just won’t help. Through a back and forth conversation, one can get a fuller picture of what happened in another relationship and then compare it to their own, is exactly what one needs to get good support.

So look for a support group online, or locally, where you can talk with other women about what happened and not be on the receiving end of someone’s vitriol.

#7 – Get some professional help, both individually and together.

I know – the idea of professional help is a yucky one. Spilling your dirty laundry to someone else can be embarrassing and humiliating. You might not feel like you have the time, or the money, to make it happen and you are therefore determined to go it alone.

Unfortunately, unless you have dealt with infidelity before and successfully come out the other side, you have no idea what you are doing here. Neither you nor your partner have the skills that you need to navigate this situation. Having someone there to guide you, whether a life coach or a therapist, will help you rebuild trust quicker.

I also encourage people to get individual help when dealing with infidelity. For you, you will have a lot of anger and hurt to process and will need some help understanding what has happened and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Your partner will need to come to an understanding of why he cheated and what he needs to do going forward.

I am guessing that your partner will push back big time on going to therapy. Many men are therapy adverse and just don’t want to deal – especially if they are humiliated by what happened. I would encourage you to, if you are willing to get support, make him buying in a deal breaker. Again, you can’t do the work all by yourself – he needs to be willing to do the work as well.

I know that you feel like trying to rebuild trust after he cheated is a big job, one that is most likely feeling pretty daunting right now.

But I can promise you that you can do it. If you are committed to making it happen and committed to taking the steps that you must take to move forward, then you very well could rebuild your relationship and maybe even make it stronger for the future.

You can do it!

Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

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Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. The physical, mental and emotional pain can be so intense that sometimes its easy to question whether it is survivable.

But I can promise you that no one has ever died of a broken heart and that, sooner or later, the pain will fade and you will move forward with your life. One key element of doing so is to emotionally detach from what has happened, at least for some period of the time.

Of course, a key part of getting through any kind of pain is to feel the pain, to not stuff it down, but to let it run through your body and then let it go. Stuffing pain down into your body will only trap it there and the pain will only get worse. That being said, feeling that pain all the time will suck you physically and psychically dry so emotionally detaching is an important part of the healing process.

A dozen years of working with clients who are struggling has given me unique insight into what works best to emotionally detach when going through a break up. Let me share some of those insights now.

#1 – Take a yoga class.

I remember when a friend was going through a break up, I recommended that she take up yoga. It had helped me get through my divorce in a big way. She rolled her eyes at me and asked me why everyone was telling her to do yoga.

6 months later she was a yoga instructor.

The thing about yoga is that it quiets the mind in more ways that one. Practicing yoga poses is complicated (and intimidating, I know) and doing them takes a fair amount of concentration. When you are concentrating on doing a yoga pose correctly, you just can’t think about your break up. Furthermore, much of yoga is about consciously quieting the mind, trying to think about nothing at all. Its incredibly hard to do but, even if you can do it for a few seconds, it gives your brain a break from thinking about your pain.

Of course, when yoga is done, you might go back to thinking about the break up and feeling the pain but you will have had a 1.5 hour break from feeling the pain, something that will be good for both your body and soul.

#2 – Use social media to help you heal not to hurt.

Be honest. How much time have you spent since your break up on social media, looking for information on narcissists or people who cheat or emotional trauma or toxic relationships? A fair amount I am guessing. And the time that you spend doing these things might feel perversely good. You are able to focus on everything that is wrong with the other person and interact with people who are going through the same thing, Unfortunately, repeatedly doing this will only keep you completely attached to your pain.

When you are seeking out information on the toxic aspects of things, you will only find the most toxic aspects of things. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain.

And, of course, seeung to do with your ex, ANYTHING, will take you to a bad place.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up, in order to emotionally detach and move forward, I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity, even if only for a short time.

#3 – If you can, get out of town.

I have a client who has been devastated by a break up. She found out that her partner of 4.5 years had another girlfriend and, when she found out, that man chose the other woman. The pain that she was feeling was intense; she described it as a physical pain that was consuming her body.

Fortunately, about three weeks into her break up, she had a business trip scheduled out of town. It wasn’t something that she was looking forward to because she was still wallowing in her pain but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her, emotionally.

Being out of town disconnected her from painful memories of her ex and the things that they did together. She ate at new restaurants and saw things that she hadn’t seen before. She met new people, people who know nothing about what she was struggling with. For 3 full days, she spent more time not focused on her pain which gave her mind and her body a break.

Of course, when she went home, the pain came back but not nearly as strong as it had been before she left and she felt a little bit more capable of handling it.

emotionally disconnect after break up

#4 – Spend time with people who love you – with no talk about the break up.

I know that you are feeling a ton of pain and feel like your life will never be the same. And I get that. But the reality is is that, most likely, before you met your ex you had lived a full life, a life without them in it, and that you were happy.

And a huge part of the time that you lived before he came into your life involved good friends and  loving family. Friends and family who you experienced life with. Friends and family who supported you through bad times and celebrated good ones with you. Friends and family who think you are wonderful and make you feel loved.

If you can spend time with friends and family, time spent not focusing on your break up but focusing on the life that you have always had, you will be able to emotionally detach even for a few hours, giving yourself a break from the pain.

#5 – Get out there for a walk or a run, AirPods in your ears.

I know. The last thing that you feel like doing right now is getting off the couch, putting your sneakers on and getting outside. But, if you want to emotionally detach from your pain, getting out there will be the best thing that you do.

Walking or running is very rhythmic. When we walk or run we, consciously or not, tend to focus on taking the next step. Much like doing a yoga pose, the act of running or walking can give our brain a break from those desperate thoughts.

If you have your AirPods in your ears, you can detach yourself one step further. When I was going through my divorce, listening to music as I walked felt so damn good. Power ballads by Lady Gaga and Beyonce were my go-to, songs that made me feel sad and also made me feel powerful. I would sing along as I walked, my heart rate elevated, my blood pumping and, by the time my walk was done, I felt exhilarated and feeling hopeful for the future.

Yes, the exhilaration wore off after a while but, even if for an hour, I got a taste of how I was going to feel once this break up pain faded.

#6 – Find a podcast that makes you happy and keep it on continuous play.

When I was going through my divorce, my time in the car was always the worst for me. I would perseverate about my husband and his new girlfriend. I would worry about how I was going to move forward. I would assure myself that I would never love or be loved again. And, when I reached my destination, I was usually a very crabby camper.

And then I discovered podcasts. I had never listened to them before – in fact it was a badge of honor for me that I had never indulged. My daughter introduced me to “You’re Wrong About,” a podcast that debunked urban legends. The hosts,  Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes, thereafter joined me on my car rides.

Listening to podcasts was great for me. I learned new things, things that I hadn’t known before, things that I would take into my future and weren’t part of my past. The hosts were hilarious and made me smile when I thought that smiling was impossible. Most importantly, listening to them distracted me from the negative tapes that I was running over and over in my mind.

I have continued to listen to podcasts in the car. They do an excellent job distracting me from the terrible disfunction that is happening in our world, giving me a break from the despair that I am often living with about the future of our country, even if just for a short time.

#7 – Get rid of every gift they have ever given you and anything they left at your house.

A client of mind did the most amazing thing last week. It had been weeks since her break up and, while she was feeling better, she was still struggling more than she wanted to. She was still wearing the bracelet that he had given her and she found his sweater under the bed. Looking at her bracelet and the encounter with his sweater set her back, big time.

What did she decide to do? She decided to gather everything that he had given her or that he had left behind and burn it. She invited her friends to join her, encouraging them to bring anything that they needed to burn or to just come and be together helping her celebrate the destruction of tangible evidence of her old relationship. She and her friends built a bonfire and burned everything. She told me that for one full evening she felt invincible, which gave her hope for the future.

Of course, fire isn’t the only option for getting rid of your ex’s stuff. I took everything I found and put it in a bag which I tucked away somewhere that I knew I wouldn’t stumble upon it. When I was ready, I sorted through the things, feeling my feelings about them. And then I got rid of them. I recycled the letters, gave the clothes to Goodwill and sold the gold necklace on E-bay. It was interesting because when I was doing these things I felt strong and hopeful for the future. Instead of focusing on the pain, I was focusing on letting go and moving forward. And I spent the money from the necklace on a purse I had been eyeing for a while. Carrying that purse instead of wearing that necklace allowed me to emotionally detach in a way that I hadn’t been able to do so far. It felt amazing.

I know that right now it’s hard for you to believe that you will ever get past this pain and that emotionally detaching will be impossible. But I promise that you can do it!

When we are suffering, it is so easy to lose ourself in it, to wallow in our feelings of self-pity, anger, hopelessness and despair. But you don’t want to lose your sanity to this break up, something that will happen if you let yourself stay in the place of pain.

Making an effort to emotionally detach, even if just for a little bit, will be a big step for you as far as moving forward and letting go of the pain of the break up. After all, do you want to give him the satisfaction of destroying you?

No, I am guessing not!

So get up off the couch and do one of the things that have worked for me and for my clients and join the ranks of women who didn’t let someone who hurt them keep us down!

7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

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7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

Every day I talk to clients who are trying, and failing, to break up with their married man and make it stick.

They don’t want to break up with them because they don’t love them but because they just can’t take it anymore. They can’t take the broken promises, the not being made a priority, the lack of understanding about the torture that they are going through.

They have tried and tried to be patient while their married man takes “baby steps” and they have finally decided that its time to break up and move on.

The issue is is that they have tried to break up over and over and over and it has never stuck. They have stayed away for a few days, weeks or months but always get sucked back in. How, they wonder, to do things differently this time around?

Many, many of my clients have left their married man and moved on to find true happiness. In fact, I did too. Let me share how those of us made it to the other side did so, so you too can finally leave your married man and get the life you want!

#1 – Are you sure that you want to do this?

This is the first step to making a break up with your married man stick. You must be determined to really do it this time.

How many times have you broken up with your person only to suffer unthinkable pain and ultimately reunite with them? He renews his promises and you have wonderful make up sex and you start to believe again. How long after this reunion did you begin to suffer again? Hours, most likely; if you are lucky maybe 24 hours.

I always point out to my clients what a waste of time and energy a break up is if you aren’t fully committed. Putting yourself through the pain and then letting yourself down by letting him back in isn’t good for one’s mental health. Doing so over and over can be life sucking. I know that, after 1.5 years trying to break up with my married man, I was a shell of myself.

So, before you follow the next steps, ask yourself if you are truly ready to do this. If you aren’t, bookmark this article for when you are!

#2 – You must definitively inform him that its over.

For many of my clients, when they get to the end of their rope, again, they often, in a fit of anger, block their guy and swear that they will never talk to them again. In the moment, they mean it. And then the anger fades and their resolution wavers.

I always tell my clients that they need to tell their affair partner that they are done. They need to make it very clear that their affair partner respect what they are asking for, namely letting them go once and for all. The affair partner must agree to not contact them at all and to fully grasp the pain that they have been causing.

This can be done either in person or via text but it must be done – the married man MUST understand that the break up will stick this time.

Your married man doesn’t want to let you go. Yes, he might be causing your tremendous pain but it is his needs, and the needs of his wife and family, that he is putting first.

Your married man needs you. He needs you to adore him, to be there when he needs you, to have great affair sex with and to give him some (misguided) hope for the future. If he loses you, he will be left with nothing, just an unhappy marriage and memories of you. He also knows that, if he lets you go, you will most likely find someone else and live happily ever after.

So, your married man isn’t going to just let you go – it will be on you to make it happen. Start by telling him that this is what you need him to do.

#3 – You must commit to having no contact with him.

I am guessing that you and your married man started out as friends and that, in an ideal world, you would maintain that friendship. I am sorry to say, its not going to happen.

An essential element of making your break up stick this time around is to not be in contact with your married man at all. No texting. No talking. No checking out their social media. No seeking closure. No being where you know they will be. NOTHING. Even on birthdays and anniversaries and holidays and special events. NOTHING.

The reality is is that any contact with your married man will carry the risk that you will let him back in. And, any contact that you have with your married man will cancel out any progress that you have made in letting him go. Unless you aren’t in contact with him, then you won’t be able to let him go.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you could never block someone – its so rude. And I want to tell you that that is just a justification. If someone where contacting you who you didn’t like or made you uncomfortable you would block them. You just don’t want to block your married man because you want to keep the door open for him to come back someday. I can promise you, if you block your married guy and he gets his shit together, he will do whatever he needs to do to contact you – he won’t need your phone number.

I absolutely can not understate the importance that going “no contact” will have in your ability to let go of your married man once and for all. So do it, for the sake of your future.

#4 – You must have to ride out the pain, no matter how bad it is.

Without exception, my clients who go back to their married men do so because the pain of the break up is so intense that they can’t deal with it. One of my clients described it as a physical pain so intense she believed that she was going to die. No one, I pointed out, has ever died of a broken heart.

Yes, there is nothing worse than the pain of a broken heart. Nothing. But the thing about broken hearts is that they heal. Times goes by, pain lessens and hearts become whole. And then life goes on, maybe with a dull ache in the background but it goes on, most often in a wonderful way.

BUT, let me ask you. Are you in pain every day because of what is happening with your married man? Have you lost friends, have your work and your health suffered, have you lost your self-respect the long this affair goes on? I am sure that pain that you are feeling is huge – how can it not be.

If you stay with your married man, this pain will continue. As long as he keeps breaking his promises (which he will) you will daily feel pain. If, on the other hand, you can let him go, the pain will pass. You will have the chance to live a real life, not one tormented by what could be.

So, consider your pain. It might seem worse than the pain that you were feeling before the break up but is it really?

break up with your married man

#5 – Write up a list of all of the reasons you are breaking up with him.

I have a client who, when I asked her to make a list of the things about her guy that lead her to break up with him, told me that there was nothing. That he was a really great guy and that she couldn’t think of one thing wrong with him. Ok, I said, let’s dig a little big deeper.

Does your married man make you a priority? No. Does your married man abandon you at the last minute because of family obligations? Yes. Does your married man make promises over and over, only to break them? Yes. Does he care enough about your suffering to do anything about it, one way or another? No.

So, there was plenty of things that was wrong with my client’s married man; they were just things that she didn’t think of when she thought about him. Like many women in love with married men, they tuck those things in the back of mind to justify staying.

Make a list, in writing, of the reasons that you need to break up with him is a key aspect of making it stick. When you are away from your guy, you will only remember the good things. The daily pains will fade and you will be left only with the happy memories. And these memories will lead you down the path to him again. I always encourage my client to refer to the list when they feel like their sentimentality is getting the best of them, to remind them of why they had to leave and why they need to stay away.

#6 – You must fully accept he will never leave his wife. Never.

Be honest, when you do a Google search about whether your married man will leave his wife, do you find any happily ever after stories? Do you find heartwarming tales of a man leaving his wife, marrying his affair partner, seamlessly integrating her into is family and living happily ever after.

No, you don’t.

That is because this married man will never leave his wife. He might believe that he will, and hence the promises, but he won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means not seeing his kids every day, giving away half of his money and perhaps ruining his reputation. Leaving his wife might seem simple but its the rest of the stuff that complicates matters and makes him stay.

I do believe that married men truly do believe the promises that they make to their affair partners – that they genuinely believe that they will be able to leave their wives and be with them. Unfortunately, in my 10 years as a life coach, not one of them ever has. Some of them are even told by their wives to leave and still they stay.

So, don’t kid yourself. You will never have him.

#7 – Understand that you will never get your happily ever after.

Ok, let’s say you don’t believe me that your partner will leave his wife and still you picture your ideal life together. How based in reality is that ideal? Really.

The reality is is that you have been having an affair with this man. You will never, I mean never, be accepted by his family, his children, his social circle. They might tolerate you, but they will never fully accept you. You will spend the rest of your life at odds with the people who your partner loves best. And, these odds could very well be the thing that causes him to resent you and ultimately drives you apart.

Another thing is that you don’t really know this guy. You guys have a wonderful relationship that exists in a bubble, a bubble where there is no conflict over kids or money or mothers-in-law. All you have is time together.

But who is this guy out and about in the world? I know that when my married guy (temporarily) left his wife, I called a friend, concerned that this man who I considered the love of my life was really just a boring guy from Connecticut. What a let down.

So, recognized that this image that you have in your head about happily ever after just isn’t going to happen. I am sorry but it isn’t.

It is my strongest wish that you have read this list and are inspired to let go of your married guy once and for all and more forward to get the life that you want. And I totally understand if you have read this list and just aren’t ready yet.

The reality is is that someday you will hit your limit – that you will be done with the thousand little cuts that you are living with. That you will no longer tolerate being the woman who cheats with another woman’s man. (You know – she isn’t the raging bitch that he says she is – she is a woman stuck in an unhappy woman with a man who is capable of infidelity) That you know that, for the sake of your health and sanity, you must walk away.

When you are ready to do that, this list will help you do so – it will give you the strength and the clarity that you to join the millions of other women out there who had affairs with married man and found the strength to leave them. Women who are now, like happily married me, living happily ever after.

7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

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7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

If you are like many men, one of your resolutions might be to make your wife feel special in 2025. After all, another year has passed and perhaps you are thinking that its time to jumpstart your relationship with a little extra effort.

Good for you!

Luckily, making your wife feel special isn’t as hard as you might think it might be. Really, what we women want more than anything is for our partner our partner make us loved.

So, what are the ways to make your wife feel special?

#1 – Tell her that she looks beautiful and not only when she is dressed up.

I am sure that you are thinking that your wife knows that you think that she is beautiful but there isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t want to hear it. Unfortunately, after many years of marriage, spouses stop noticing each other in the ways that they used to and, as a result, they stop expressing their appreciation of their looks. While this might seem superficial, it is important and probably one piece of why she fell in love with you – your appreciation of her.

So, tell your wife that she looks beautiful.  You don’t need to wait until she is dressed up – any occasion will work. She might be suspicious at first if you haven’t done it for a while but be sincere and you will maker her feel a certain way.

#2 – If she has something to say, stop and listen to her.

Are you thinking that you always listen to what your wife says and that if you stop what you are doing you will she speaks will waste time because you can do two things at once? I get it but, I am afraid that I have bad news for you – men have an extremely hard time doing two things at once.

As a result, if they aren’t fully listening to what their wives are trying to tell them, it won’t sink in.

It is important that you listen to your wife about things, large and small. If she wants to talk to you about carpool, stop and listen. If she wants to talk to you about Christmas, stop and listen. If she wants to talk about how she is feeling, stop and listen.

If you stop and listen to your wife, there are two reasons that she will feel special. The first is that you will truly hear what she is saying and, therefore, she won’t have to say it again down the road. The second is that she can trust that you believe that what she is saying is important to you. If a woman knows that someone is half listening to her, she feels disrespected and less than. Knowing that you are giving her your full attention will make her feel loved and appreciated.

#3 – Surprise her with something that she likes but not something that you do.

Men often have the best of intentions when it comes to making their wives feel special. And sometimes they just fall short.

Many of my men clients tell me that they try to set up things to do with their wives but that their wives don’t appreciate what their efforts and tell them so. And, while they might appreciate the effort, the inappropriate choice of an activity often leads the wives to believe that their husbands don’t truly know who they are.

When a man plans a night out going to an action movie, a romantic movie lover will feel unseen. When a man plans a weekend away to someplace where there is golf tournament going on, a wife who doesn’t play or watch golf will feel unimportant.  When a man buys her a piece of lingerie not recognizing that she is struggling with body issues at the moment, she will be devastated.

So, if you want to do something special for your wife, make sure to plan something that she will like and not something that is all about you.

#4 – Make sure you are fully familiar with her love language.

Love languages are an idea that, if you can fully master them, will change your relationship with your wife and you will truly make her feel special.

The idea behind love languages is that we tend to do things for other people that we want done unto us, hoping to make them feel loved. Unfortunately, not everyone needs the same thing to feel loved and, therefore, the efforts backfire. If you can understand someone’s love language, you can understand what will make them feel loved.

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages:

Physical touch – being touched in a romantic and/or sexual way

Words of Affirmation – being told how someone feels

Gift Giving – receiving a gift

Acts of Service – taking action by doing a service

Quality Time – spending time together

If your wife’s love language is quality time and you take the garbage out for her on Saturday morning before you head off for a day of golf, you won’t make her feel loved. Instead, take the garbage out, sure, but then spend the rest of the morning with her and play only a half day of golf.

To learn more about love languages, follow this link. There is even a quiz that you and your wife can take so that you can know what each other’s love language.

This will make your wife feel important and loved.

#5 – Take an interest in the things that she loves – or try something new together.

For many couples who have been married a long time, they tend to focus on their own hobbies and no longer do things together. As a result, the time that they spend together isn’t necessarily time that involves things that make their hearts sing, something that doesn’t foster connection.

An excellent way to make your wife feel special is to take an interest in what she likes to do. I am not saying that you need to take up needlework or go to yoga (unless you want to do that) but do be willing to share in some of the things that she enjoys doing.

Also, an excellent way to feel connected to your spouse is by taking up an activity that neither one of you does on your own, something that you can learn together. Perhaps its going for day hikes or taking ball room dancing lessons or playing tennis or golf or learning how to sail or ski.

Something that will give you time together, time that isn’t focused on chores and kids and work. That will make your wife feel special in a big way.

 

married couple having fun

#6 – Rub her feet or her back or any body part she would like to have rubbed.

Many couples who have been married a long time have stopped touching each other. Sure, there might be weekly married people sex but, in between, physical intimacy is minimal. As a result, couples can grow disconnected, especially if there are any issues around their sex lives.

If you want to make your wife feel loved, reach out to rub her feet when you are watching TV. If she is at her computer, stop and rub her shoulders. Give her a hug from behind when she is doing the dishes. By touching your wife you are telling her that you see her, that you love her and that you want to feel connected to her.

Of course, you wife might not want to be touched or might suspect something if you start touching her after not having done so for a while. So, ask your wife before you do touch her. See if she would like a foot rub or a shoulder massage. I am guessing she will say yes, but do ask for permission first. You don’t want to set yourself back by  touching her in a way that she doesn’t want to be touched.

#7 – Make sure she knows that she is a priority for you.

When you and your wife were falling in love, did you put each other first? Did you choose to choose each other before anything else? Were you willing to get out of work early to do something special? Did you put each other’s wants and needs above the other’s?

And now that you have been married a while, where does your wife fall on your priority list? Is she even close to number one?

Perhaps you justify that if you don’t work late, your family won’t have the money it needs. Perhaps you justify that bowling with your friends instead of hanging out with her will make you happier and therefore her happier. Perhaps when your mother insists on Sunday dinners and you don’t push back when your wife doesn’t want to do every Sunday, you do it because you feel like your mother should be the priority.

Whatever it is that you choose to do over your wife is something that I want you to consider as you embark on trying to make her feel special. Of course, no one can be someone’s number one priority all of the time but, in my experience as a coach, my female clients feel like they just aren’t important to their husbands and that makes them feel unloved.

I hope that these 7 ways to make your wife feel special are helpful.

If you are feeling a little bit overwhelmed, it’s ok. Taking action to do things differently can cause anxiety and fear. But just take it one item at a time. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try one thing on your list and see how it makes your wife feel. If it works, you might find you are eager to do another. And if it doesn’t work, don’t give up! Just try another thing on your list.

You can do this! After all, you made her feel special once, enough so that she fell in love with you!

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

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7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

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