How and Why Men and Women React to Physical and Emotional Infidelity Differently

/0 Comments/by

When I talk to my clients about infidelity, they are often surprised to find that there are two types of cheating: physical and emotional. Physical cheating is defined by an act of sexual touch. Emotional cheating does not include sex but is based more on emotional connection.

Of course, neither forms of cheating are acceptable but, interestingly, men and women react differently when it comes to each type. Understanding these gendered responses can help both individuals and couples navigate the emotional challenges of infidelity and work toward healing.

Let’s get into our discussion but, first, a quick comparison to get us started.

Gender Differences in Reactions to Emotional vs Physical Infidelity

Gender Differences in Reactions to Emotional vs Physical Infidelity

How Men React to Physical Infidelity

Researchers say that, for 60% of men, physical infidelity is worse than emotional infidelity.

The reasons are varied.

One reasons that physical infidelity is worse than emotional infidelity for men is how important a role sex plays in a man’s life. For most men, from puberty onwards, much of their actions are driven by the need for sex. Often times, when there is infidelity, it is partially because of a break down in a couple’s sexual relationship. If his partner goes outside of a relationship for sex, a man might see this as a blow to who he is as a man. This could profoundly damage his self-esteem and make him feel less than, sexually. Because a man’s self-worth is often tied to his sexual relationships, such betrayal directly impacts his sense of identity and confidence. [4]

Furthermore, for some men, they are threatened by what is known as “paternal uncertainty,” namely the fear that a child they believe to be theirs in not. Physical infidelity strikes at the core of this uncertainty, a concern deeply rooted in evolutionary history. This uncertainty makes sexual betrayal especially threatening.

I know that, for most of male clients, the fact that their partner had sex with another person is the utmost betrayal often lead to the end of the relationship.

There is science behind a man’s reaction to physical infidelity – namely evolution. Interestingly, men process sexual betrayal quite quickly, taking an average of 18.5 seconds to make judgments, compared to 22.2 seconds for emotional betrayal. [6] This suggests an instinctive, evolutionary response. Furthermore, for men, the emotional aftermath of physical infidelity often involves anger and blame, rather than sadness. [1][3] This anger tends to be directed at the male rival rather than the partner, with studies showing men are more likely to imagine violent reactions toward the interloper. Such responses may be an attempt to reassert dominance and mitigate the perceived threat, both important aspects of survival of the fittest in early evolution.[3]

How Women Respond to Physical Infidelity

Studies show that women react more deeply than men to emotional infidelity than physical infidelity but we will get to that later. Just because this might be true, it doesn’t mean that physical infidelity is acceptable to any woman.

For many women, finding out that their partners cheated on them goes right to the heart of what most women struggle with – insecurity. I know that when my ex-husband left me for another woman, my feelings were overwhelming and devastating to my self-esteem.

What was wrong with me that he had to go elsewhere for sex? Was she hotter than me? Had he cheated because my body wasn’t good enough? Or perhaps because I wasn’t attentive to his needs? All of these things swirled around in my head, leading me down to a dark place where I was left feeling like a shell of myself.

It took me a long time to realize that my ex-husband’s infidelity was not because of me, how I looked or how much I put out. It was about his physical relationship to a woman who he had also developed an emotional connection with.

How Men React to Emotional Infidelity

While physical infidelity is, statistically, what upsets a man most about his partner cheating, let us not underestimate the effects that emotional infidelity have on a man.

For cheating to happen, there is often a disconnect in a relationship, one that might involve a lack of sex but also involves a lack of emotional connection. When this happens, women tend to shut down and treat their partners badly or ignore them, mostly because they are hurt about the lack of connection and don’t really know how to speak to it. Over time, the distance grows, leaving open a space for someone to cheat.

For men, processing their emotions is tough enough. To find out that there is another man who is able to connect with his woman more effectively that he does would be a deep blow. No man wants another man to do something that he should be able to do – even worse, do it better. So, like women reacting to physical infidelity, emotional infidelity can lead to a serious dip in a man’s self-esteem.

How Women React to Emotional Infidelity

Researchers say that 83% percent of woman think that emotional infidelity is worse than physical infidelity, in many ways because of the importance they place on being in touch with one’s emotions.[1]

For most women, they have spent a life time processing their emotions. They do it 24/7, with their kids, their friends, their family. The one person they might struggle to do it with is their husband. If another woman can emotionally connect in a way they can’t, this cuts them to the core. While sexual infidelity might provoke anger or disgust, emotional betrayal tends to cut deeper, evoking feelings of loss, vulnerability, and self-doubt.

For many women, emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of trust in a relationship – a sacred space for sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities. When their partner shares that bond with someone else, it can feel like a deep betrayal. After all, they have invested a lot of time and effort to stay emotionally connected to their partner, something that they hope will sustain long-term stability and security in the relationship. [7]

An interesting emotion came from one of my clients. The cheating led to fear! Fear that her partner is no longer committed to her and might take away resources for support – whether emotional, financial or otherwise. [5][7] She wanted to be married, she wanted to be financial settled, she wanted the life she had imagined. When her husband cheated, all of that was put at risk and she had no control over it.

“A man’s emotional infidelity may be particularly distressing for his long-term partner because it can signal a high likelihood of him diverting resources to other women and their offspring.”

  • Jon K. Maner, Professor of Psychology [5]

How Men and Women Cope Differently When it Comes to Recovery

When it comes to recovering from infidelity, men and women often take very different approaches. As I said before, men are more likely to react with anger and blame, frequently directing their frustration toward a same-sex rival. This behavior often stems from an instinct to reclaim lost status. Women, on the other hand, are more prone to feelings of sadness, rejection, and loneliness, often interpreting the betrayal as a blow to their self-esteem.[3][14]

“In response to partner infidelity, men display greater feelings of anger and a greater propensity for violence (particularly toward the male interloper), whereas women display greater feelings of sadness and a greater inclination toward seeking out sources of compensatory social affiliation.” – Evolutionary Psychology Journal [3]

It is important to take these differences into consideration when addressing recovery from infidelity.

Women tend to process infidelity in different ways. Many turn to their existing social circles for emotional support, which helps them cope with the loss of emotional security. Men, however, are less likely to rely on social support. Because of this, they might stuff down their feelings or perhaps misdirect them in a toxic way. [3]

Chronic jealousy can amplify these reactions. A man could continue to think that he isn’t meeting his partner’s emotional or physical needs, which will make him feel less than and more likely to seek a new partner who won’t think badly of them. Women experience distress over emotional and physical betrayal as it could signal that they are less than or not important or disposable. [3] They might react to these feelings in an unproductive way, like lashing out or withholding physicality.

Neither one of these reaction will help heal a relationship after infidelity.

Recovering from infidelity requires openness, consistent effort, and a willingness to confront deeper vulnerabilities.[14] The unfaithful partner must take full accountability for their actions, while both individuals work together to address unmet needs that may have contributed to the betrayal. Sometimes, working with a professional is key to navigate these choppy waters.

Working with an Infidelity Coach Could be the Answer

Infidelity is one of the most common challenges couples face and a frequent cause of divorce.[2] By working with a life coach, like ME, you can learn a structured approach to addressing the emotional fallout, offering strategies that align with each partner’s unique needs. For instance, men might benefit from learning ways to manage anger and impulsive behaviors, while women often need guidance in processing sadness and rebuilding confidence .[3].

Understanding the difference in how men and women react to different kinds of cheating is the key to figuring out next steps.

Again, neither forms are infidelity are acceptable, and, ideally, work should be done beforehand to prevent it from happening. But many people struggle to address issues and, as a result, cheating can happen! But getting through infidelity is possible with information and support.

A key element of that recovery is understanding how your partner is feeling. How you are feeling could be dramatically different from how they are feeling. Being able to understand how both of you are feeling is an important step towards moving forward and rebuilding a relationship.

The Ultimate Guide to Getting Everything You Need in Love

/0 Comments/by

The key to getting what you need is knowing how to ask for it.

So many of my clients come to me deeply struggling in their relationship and the number one thing that I see, across the board, is an inability to identify and express their needs. So, if this is you, know that you are not alone!

Expressing your needs in a relationship is essential for building trust and emotional connection, and avoiding misunderstandings. Many people struggle with this because of fear of rejection, conflict, or, worse of all, the belief that their partner should instinctively know what they need (something that rarely happens, if ever).

Let me help you learn how to identify your core needs, communicate them effectively, and overcome things that often get in the way to help you create a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

How To Express Needs And Desires Clearly in Relationships

First and Foremost – Get Familiar With Your Needs

Relationship Needs vs Wants Comparison Guide

Relationship Needs vs Wants Comparison Guide

Before diving into any relationship, it’s crucial to identify your core needs, the things that, for you, are non-negotiables. If someone can’t, or won’t, be willing to give you your core needs, your relationship is doomed for failure.

Many people confuse fleeting preferences  (wants) with the essential elements that truly sustain a healthy partnership (needs). Core needs are the backbone of a strong connection, providing the stability and satisfaction that relationships thrive on. [4] Without clarity, you might either stay silent about what truly matters (namely your core needs) or overwhelm your partner with a laundry list of your desires (namely, your wants).

Many of my clients are angry that their partner can’t just intuit what they need – after all, they love them, right? Unfortunately, reading minds just isn’t possible. If you aren’t getting what you need from someone – at work, in in a store, in a relationship – its most like because you aren’t asking for it. (Think your coffee shop order!)

The goal is to identify and then separate what you need to feel secure and fulfilled from what you want to enhance your experience. This clarity not only helps you prioritize but also shapes how you communicate with your partner.

#1 – Learn How to Identify Your Personal Needs

Start by reflecting on your past experiences. Think about what has consistently brought you a sense of fulfillment and what left you feeling unsatisfied or disconnected. [4] This kind of self-reflection can uncover patterns – whether it’s the need for trust, emotional connection, shared quality time, or physical closeness.

For many women, while they feel angry when their partner blows them off for a date, what they are really missing is that intimate connection that they get from their partner on a date. So its not that she NEEDS him to never blow off a date but that she NEEDS that emotional connection from him.

One way to identify needs is by picturing a specific desire being met, and then imagining it going unmet. Pay attention to how your body reacts. Genuine needs often trigger a stronger physical or emotional response – tightness in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or a deep sense of unease. On the other hand, surface-level wants usually evoke milder reactions. [5]

“Being able to tell the difference between your needs vs. wants in a relationship is often the difference between asking for your needs, or not asking and watching those unmet needs turn into discouragement, resentment, and disconnection.”

  • Anna Mayer, Sex Therapist and Relationship Specialist [5]

Another way to dig deeper is to look beyond specific requests. For instance, if you wish your partner had a remote job so you could travel together, the underlying need might actually be for adventure and freedom. Recognizing this allows you to explore creative alternatives – like planning weekend getaways, annual trips, or even finding excitement in your own city. [5]

#2 – Know the Difference Between Wants and Needs

Needs are the foundation of your well-being in a relationship, while the wants are preferences that add to the experience but aren’t essential for its survival. Think of it like building a house: needs are the framework, and wants are the decorative touches that make it feel more personal.

Feature Relationship Need Relationship Want
Core Nature Essential for well-being; a “must-have” A preference; a “nice-to-have”
Negotiability Non-negotiable Negotiable preference
Emotional Impact Absence leads to resentment and disconnection Absence is acceptable; no long-term grudge
Examples Trust, respect, safety, emotional support Shared hobbies, physical traits, lifestyle choices

A practical way to differentiate the two is by observing the emotional impact of unmet expectations. If a need isn’t met, it can cause deep distress and strain the relationship, while an unmet want might lead to disappointment but won’t create lasting resentment. [6] For example, honesty in a partner is a non-negotiable need – without it, trust collapses. On the other hand, watching the same TV shows is a fun bonus, but it won’t make or break your connection.

“A need is something that you cannot negotiate on. If not present, it will breed extreme distress and/or resentment and eventually degrade the quality of the relationship.”

  • Dr. Krista Jordan, Psychotherapist [6]

Learn How To Express Your Needs Effectively

Getting your needs across in a way that strengthens your connection – rather than creating distance – can make all the difference in communication. A key part of communication success is in the way you frame your message. Studies reveal that about 70% of marital conflicts remain unresolved, and a big reason for this is difficulty expressing our needs. [8]

#1 – Don’t Go On The Offensive

Swapping out “you” statements for “I” statements can completely change how your message is received. For example, saying, “You never spend time with me,” often puts your partner on the defensive. [12] Instead, try: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together, and I’d love for us to set aside 30 minutes each evening to talk.”

The key is to express your real emotions – like lonely, anxious, or frustrated – rather than accusations disguised as feelings. For instance, “I feel like you don’t care” or “I feel that you’re selfish” are judgments, not genuine expressions of emotion. [10][11] And the first will get an empathetic partner listening, the second will only put them on the defensive.

“The quality of your life is the quality of your communication.”

Be clear about what you want to happen, not just what you want to stop. Instead of saying, “I need you to stop ignoring me,” you could say, “I’d really appreciate it if we could have dinner together three times a week without phones.” This approach provides a clear and actionable solution, something that is especially helpful for men who appreciate understanding what is being asked of them. [10][8]

#2- Timing and Tone Can Make a Huge Difference

Even the most thoughtfully worded message can miss the mark if the timing is off. Avoid starting serious conversations when your partner is stressed, distracted, or exhausted – like when they’re rushing out the door, managing a crying baby, or unwinding after a tough day. [9][1] It is the opening moments of a conversation that often determines whether it will lead to resolution or conflict.

Have you ever jumped on your partner when they come home late, frustrated that you have been made to wait? How did that go? Did your partner melt into your arms and apologize or did they go on the defensive?

Instead of just surprising your partner with your wants and needs, feel them out to define a time to chat that will work for both of you. Perhaps “Is this a good time to talk about something important?” or “Can we set aside 20 minutes tonight to discuss something?” [1][9] Doing this will not only ensure that both of you are emotionally and mentally ready for the conversation but it also gives your partner a chance to prepare for a productive conversation and not be blindsided.

One thing to note: late-night discussions, especially right before bed, or after a few glass of wine, can add unnecessary pressure and frustration and make it less likely that it will end with resolution. [13]

“If you’re feeling angry, hurt, or overwhelmed, those feelings are going to come through in your words and tone… triggering defensiveness in the other person.”

  • Sarah Kipnes, Therapist [9]

Make sure that, before bringing up a sensitive topic, check in with yourself as well. If you’re still upset or reactive, take some time to cool off first. [9] Choose a private, comfortable space where you both feel safe, and focus on the present issue without dredging up ancient history. [3][9]

Finally, make sure you keep your body language open and your tone calm, as nonverbal cues play a huge role in how your message is received. [12][3][1]

#3 – Make Sure The Communication Is Two-Way

Good communication isn’t just about expressing yourself – it’s also about truly hearing the other person. Once you’ve shared your feelings, it’s important to give your partner room to respond. When they finish, try to summarize their perspective to show you’ve understood: “So, what I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed by work and need more downtime – is that right?” I know that doing this can feel weird but it is very helpful.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

  • Stephen Covey, Author [1]

This type of active listening fosters trust and collaboration. Even if you disagree, acknowledge their feelings – “I’m sorry you felt that way” – to help ease tension. [8] Remember, the goal isn’t to win an argument but to understand each other and work toward a solution that respects both of your needs.

Eliminate Obstacles to Expressing Needs

Even when you know what you want to say, expressing it can feel overwhelming. Almost every one of my clients is petrified to express what they want, particularly the women. Past experiences and deep-seated fears have chipped away at their confidence, making it harder to speak up.

#1 – Manage Your Fear of Rejection

Fear of being dismissed or misunderstood can keep you from voicing your needs. This fear often stems from childhood experiences, where expressing yourself might have led to punishment or rejection. [14] If you grew up feeling like your needs were a burden, it’s no surprise that vulnerability might still feel unsafe. [14]

“Your needs aren’t a burden. They’re a bridge – to deeper intimacy, connection, and truth.”

  • Lorrie Bertrand, LICSW [14]

One way to address this fear is to acknowledge that while you can’t control how your partner reacts, you can control how you communicate. Approach the conversation as an opportunity to connect, not a confrontation.

One of my clients, instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” tried phrasing it as, “What I need from you is 20 minutes of uninterrupted time each evening because I’ve been feeling a bit lonely.” [7]  Her husband was happy to give her that 20 minutes and didn’t realize that she needed it to feel connected. After that conversation was a success, my client felt much braver about asking for things going forward.

If the fear feels too intense, start small. Make low-pressure requests, like asking for a hug when you come home or suggesting a phone-free dinner. These smaller steps can help train your body to feel safe when expressing your needs. [15] Once you’ve eased the fear, you can focus on building the confidence to make deeper, more meaningful connections.

#2 – Don’t Give Up – Try Again!

After addressing the fear of rejection, the next step is rebuilding confidence, especially if past attempts to express your needs haven’t gone well. A single failed conversation doesn’t mean you should stop; it might just mean you need to adjust your approach or give your partner time to understand your perspective. [16]

Take time to reflect on what went wrong. Was the timing off? Did your choice of words unintentionally sound accusatory? Use those insights to fine-tune your approach. Try to track even small successes can help shift your focus from what didn’t work to the progress you’re making. [16]

“Learning to ask for what you need isn’t about becoming ‘demanding’ or ‘difficult’ – it’s about allowing yourself to be seen fully and completely.”

  • Dr. Heather Stevenson, Psychologist [15]

If you find that obstacles persist, consider working with a therapist who specializes in attachment issues or trauma. Techniques like EMDR or Brainspotting can help you process early experiences of emotional dismissal. [14] Past trauma can profoundly affect our nervous systems and these techniques can help break old patterns so we can move forward more confidently.

For practical skill-building, coaching can also be a valuable resource. A relationship coach (like ME!) can offer tailored strategies to improve your communication. I can help you identify your relationship strengths, address challenges without blame, and develop actionable ways to express your needs. Whether you’re healing from past struggles or enhancing an already strong relationship, coaching provides the tools and accountability to move forward.

Knowing how to express your needs lays the groundwork for deeper connection in your relationship and helps sidestep the frustration of expecting your partner to intuitively know what you want.

I know that the idea of expressing your needs can feel overwhelming but, by taking small, brave steps toward sharing your true self can help you reshape your relationship in a meaningful way and get the happily ever after that you have always wanted!

“If you never show your partner who you are and what’s in your heart, how can they meet you there?”

  • Anne Hancock, Psy.D., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

5 Ways to Reconnect Emotionally After Infidelity and Get Your Relationship Back on Track

/by

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are grappling with the after effects of your partner cheating. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Good for you for seeking help.

Unfortunately, when infidelity occurs, it can shatter trust and, therefore, emotional security, leaving both partners grappling with pain and uncertainty. Fortunately, rebuilding emotional intimacy is possible!

The key is knowing where to start, which can be hard when you are feeling so overwhelmed. Let me share with you what steps to take to reconnect emotionally with your partner so that you can get started right away.

#1 – Face the Reality and Accept Responsibility

This stage is the foundation for rebuilding trust. I can not say clearly enough that a key part of this process is for the unfaithful partner to end the affair immediately and completely – this is non-negotiable. [6] Only by doing so can they begin to demonstrate transparency and rebuild trust.

The journey to healing begins with confronting the betrayal head-on. This means no sugarcoating, no excuses, and no dodging accountability. The unfaithful partner must own their actions entirely, while the betrayed partner is given the space to process the emotional pain. Both acknowledgment of the betrayal and addressing the resulting emotional fallout are necessary steps, no matter how uncomfortable they may be.

As the experts at the Center for Improving Relationships explain:

“Whoever broke the trust must fully own their actions, without excuses or minimization. This means admitting exactly what happened, answering honest questions, and understanding the pain caused, no defensiveness, no dodging.” [10]

First and foremost, going forward, the unfaithful partner needs to be completely transparent, sharing details like their whereabouts, digital activity (including phone passwords), and schedules. Honesty is not optional – it’s the bare minimum. This openness shows they are committed to rebuilding trust and have nothing to hide. [10] [11]

Daily check-ins, to see if the the betrayed partner has anything they need to process, even if only briefly, can help establish a consistent habit of honesty. These check-ins aim to restore the betrayed partner’s sense of reality, which was shattered by the deception, and to let them know that nothing is being swept under the rug. [1] [14]

One critical mistake to avoid is letting the truth trickle out, where details are revealed gradually over time. Doing so only prolongs the pain and further damages trust. As licensed mental health counselor Mac Stanley Cazeau puts it:

“Atonement isn’t a one-time apology; it’s ongoing actions that show reliability, like keeping promises and being where you say you’ll be.” [4]

In addition to being transparent, it’s equally important to address the emotional toll the betrayal has caused.

The betrayed partner needs to feel heard and understood. This requires the unfaithful partner to listen without defensiveness, excuses, or rushing the healing process. Reflective listening – repeating back what was heard to confirm understanding – can be a powerful tool.[8]

Validation is key. Marriage and family therapist Terry Gaspard suggests using empathetic statements like:

“I get it. I understand why you would feel this way. If I were in your position, I would struggle as well.” [6]

Taking responsibility, even for small missteps, is essential. The Gottman Method emphasizes that responsibility is the antidote to defensiveness. [5] Shifting from paralyzing shame (“I am bad”) to healthy guilt (“My actions caused harm”) allows the unfaithful partner to focus on their partner’s healing instead of retreating into self-defense. [13]

#2 – Rebuild Trust with Steady, Reliable and Thoughtful Actions

Trust isn’t repaired overnight – it’s rebuilt through consistent, dependable actions. As Dr. John Gottman explains:

“Restoring trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [6]

The key to rebuilding trust lies in following through on small, everyday promises. Whether it’s replying to a text message, showing up when you said you would, or simply doing what you promised, these actions create a foundation of reliability. Over time, these predictable behaviors help reestablish a sense of safety, opening the door for deeper healing.

Accountability is essential, but pairing it with transparency strengthens trust even further. Being transparent doesn’t mean giving up your independence – it’s about offering information freely, without waiting to be asked. This could mean sharing your phone password, enabling location sharing, or proactively updating your partner about your plans. The Center for Improving Relationships puts it well:

“Transparency isn’t about monitoring or control; it’s about showing there’s nothing to hide anymore.” [10]

Sometimes, it’s the little, thoughtful things that make the biggest impact. A handwritten note expressing your appreciation, a thoughtful text during a tough day, or preparing your partner’s favorite meal can all communicate care in a meaningful way.

Finally, a great idea is to set aside 10 minutes each evening to talk about your day – share your highs, your lows, or anything on your mind. This uninterrupted time shows your partner that you’re emotionally present and invested in the relationship. Over time, these small but intentional moments can help restore the feeling that you’re still in this together.

#3 – Create a Safe Space for Honest Conversations

Healing after infidelity requires a space where vulnerability feels possible and safe. Without a clear structure, these conversations can quickly derail into blame, defensiveness, or overwhelming emotions. As Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT, wisely points out:

“Safety is the soil where healing begins.” [2]

The aim isn’t to sidestep tough topics but to ensure they are approached in a way that allows both partners to share openly without falling into destructive behaviors like criticism, contempt, or stonewalling. These patterns can leave lasting scars on a relationship.[5]  Setting boundaries around how you communicate is just as important as what you discuss. This groundwork is critical for creating a framework that supports meaningful conversations.

Start by incorporating regular check-ins into your routine – daily 10- to 15-minute emotional check-ins and a weekly relationship review. These structured moments help contain intense discussions, preventing them from dominating every interaction, while also providing a dedicated time to reconnect.

Use “I” statements to express your emotions without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You ruined everything”, try, “I feel deeply hurt and confused.” This approach reduces defensiveness and aligns with the earlier commitment to honesty. Agree on a signal to pause the conversation if emotions start to escalate, giving both partners a chance to recenter.

Even with structured conversations, navigating the emotional aftermath of infidelity can be overwhelming. A professional therapist or coach can provide neutral guidance, ensuring discussions remain productive and free from blame. They can also help couples manage symptoms often associated with betrayal, such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, or intrusive thoughts, offering critical support for emotional recovery.

Therapists trained in approaches like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) use research-backed strategies specifically designed for betrayal recovery. These frameworks guide couples through structured disclosures and help uncover deeper vulnerabilities in the relationship. This process can lead to what some experts describe as “Marriage 2.0” – a redefined and more meaningful partnership.

Jill Savage, an author and marriage coach, emphasizes this idea:

“Safe conversations open the door to healing.” [8]

For some couples, life coaching can be a better option for reconnecting emotionally after infidelity. A life coach will help by not digging into past wrongs but, instead, helping couples build a life together going forward through open communication and mutual respect. No matter the means, professional guidance can equip you with practical tools and emotional support to navigate these difficult conversations and begin rebuilding trust step by step.

#4 – Don’t Rely on Sex to Fix Things

After establishing trust and open communication, the next focus is on rebuilding emotional connection before resuming physical intimacy. Jumping into bed too quickly after infidelity can trigger unresolved trauma. The body often “remembers” the betrayal, causing emotional responses to resurface the moment touch occurs. [16]

Emotional safety needs to come first. As Couples Counseling Chicago explains:

“Intimacy without safety is just performance, and it won’t last.” [7]

The key is to move slowly! Reintroduce physical closeness through gentle, non-sexual touch. Small gestures like holding hands during a walk, a comforting hug in the morning, or sitting side by side on the couch can help rebuild a sense of safety. These acts allow the nervous system to associate physical contact with comfort rather than fear. [16]

Another essential part of healing is by sharing meaningful experiences together. Emotional connection thrives in moments of vulnerability and shared understanding. [1] Build new rituals that aren’t tied to past pain – like exploring new places, trying a hobby together, or taking evening strolls. These shared experiences create fresh, positive memories.

You might also consider creating a vision board or writing down relationship goals to represent the “Marriage 2.0” you’re working toward. [1][4] During daily 10-minute check-ins, talk about your highs, lows, and moments of emotional connection. Consistently turning toward each other in these small ways strengthens your bond and builds emotional resilience. [1]

Basic trust could take months, or years, to rebuild, while full emotional and sexual reconnection can take even longer. [16] The betrayed partner should set the pace for reconnection, ensuring they feel supported rather than rushed. This gradual process helps create a secure emotional foundation for renewed intimacy.

I know that you both want it all fixed RIGHT NOW but that just isn’t going to happen.

#5 – Don’t Let Life Get In The Way

Restoring trust and rebuilding emotional bonds is only part of the journey. To truly heal, couples need ongoing support to sustain their progress. Healing doesn’t end once the immediate crisis is addressed. As Couples Counseling Chicago insightfully states:

“The difference between a couple in crisis and a couple who has healed isn’t the absence of pain – it’s the presence of tools to manage pain when it appears.” [7]

While the initial steps toward healing require deliberate effort, long-term recovery thrives on consistent, supportive habits. Research suggests that rebuilding trust often takes at least 18–24 months. [7] Encouragingly, couples who stay committed to the process tend to reach satisfaction levels comparable to those who never encountered betrayal, even five years later. [15]

The secret lies in maintaining momentum through structured support – whether it’s through professional coaching or establishing meaningful routines as a couple. Its very easy to try to move on and get on with life, not completely healing the pain, something that will only hurt in the long run.

It is important that both members of the relationship commit to working on this process for as long as it takes to reconnect emotionally again, and beyond. The infidelity will never completely go away but fully committing to working through its ramifications will ensure that it loses its power in your relationship.

Frequent check-ins are a simple yet powerful way to prevent stress, and life, from undermining your progress. A weekly “state-of-the-relationship” conversation provides a dedicated space to reflect on what’s working, acknowledge challenges, and celebrate small victories. [7]

Another helpful practice is keeping a shared accountability journal. Each partner can write about moments when they took responsibility for actions that caused hurt. Sharing one entry per week can help strengthen mutual respect and reinforce emotional safety. [1] These structured, consistent practices create a sense of predictability, which is essential in rebuilding trust.

As Rick Reynolds, founder of Affair Recovery, wisely puts it:

“Healing is about the small things done well and often.” [9]

Reconnecting emotionally after infidelity is about creating a relationship that’s stronger and more honest than before.

This process involves facing the pain head-on, rebuilding trust through consistent actions, fostering open and safe communication, and focusing on emotional closeness before physical intimacy. As Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT, explains:

“Healing is not about returning to ‘how things were.’ It’s about courageously rebuilding something new.” [2]

Every small, consistent action – whether it’s daily check-ins or shared accountability – moves you closer to the relationship you both deserve. While the work is challenging, each step forward builds a connection that’s deeper and more genuine.

You don’t have to do this alone. Remember, I am here to help you navigate emotional triggers, improve communication, and create a shared vision for your future. The first session is free – no strings attached – so you can explore your goals and start mapping out an action plan.

Trust isn’t about perfection. As psychotherapist Esther Perel wisely states:

“Trust is not about perfection but about a willingness to engage in meaningful repair when things go wrong.” [1]

5 Steps to Heal Emotional Intimacy After Infidelity

How to Rebuild Intimacy & Trust After Cheating (Step by Step)

7 Key Parts of Learning How to Say “No” to Family Without Feeling Guilty

/by

I can’t tell you how many of my clients really struggle with saying no to their family. After all, years of conditioning about the importance of being a contributing member of a family can make not going with the flow very difficult. And not going with the flow can lead to some serious guilt, guilt that, over time, can lead to resentment.

I know that the number one reason that I ended up divorced was because of my ex-husband’s inability to say no to his family. This led to countless fights which led to a tremendous amount of resentment which, ultimately, tore us apart.

Its important to know that saying no, that setting boundaries, with your family is okay! The key is knowing how to do so effectively, in a way that everyone feels good about.

Let me share a few key ways to do just that!

#1 – Identify Why The “No” Makes You Feel Guilty

If you want to say no without feeling guilty, the first step is figuring out where that guilt comes from. While some might say that it can be rooted in the belief that your value is tied to how much you do for others, I believe that a big part of it comes from years of conditioning, conditioning that can be hard to undo.

Many of us grow up hearing messages like “family always comes first,” which can make saying no feel selfish or wrong. This might be because of a personality trait called sociotropy, which prioritizes keeping the peace in relationships; turning someone down might feel like you’re risking the relationship itself. You might feel like your family’s happiness depends entirely on your willingness to help, even if it leaves you drained.

To get a clearer picture of how this manifests for you, consider the last few times that you have been put in this position. Perhaps just this last Thanksgiving or Christmas – or maybe a birthday. Write down what you were asked to do and then why you said yes. Was it because you feared disappointing them or were you perhaps worried they would judge you? Maybe you felt like you just weren’t allowed to say no?

Taking stock of the “whys” behind your inability to say no might help you understand why you do it – and awareness is the key to change.

#2 – Use The Guilt For Good

Once you have figured out the “whys,” its time to look at the guilt itself.

Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein talks to how guilt can actually be a good thing.

Guilt can also signal that you’re stepping out of people-pleasing habits and into healthier boundaries.

The key to making change is shifting the mindset. Guilt doesn’t always have to be a bad thing – it can help you identify in what instances you feel guilty and that will help you make change. Physical signs like a tight chest or a knot in your stomach when you are struggling with a yes or no can actually help you pinpoint where you need to set limits.

Try this: Imagine saying yes to something you’d rather decline. Do you feel tension or frustration bubbling up? That’s your body’s way of telling you to say no. Now imagine having said no and the whole situation being done with. Does that ease any of that tension?

Remember, a little guilt now can save you from resentment later, resentment that can quietly erode relationships over time. When you view guilt as a signal for change instead of a sign you’re doing something wrong, you empower yourself to make better choices, choices for work for you!

#3 – Identify Your Priorities

Once you’ve pinpointed the source of your guilt, and how to use it for good, the next step is clarifying your priorities and building the confidence to stand by them.

Understanding your priorities is key; doing so helps you make healthier choices that align with what truly matters to you. [6]

Prioritizing your needs is the key to taking care of yourself. If you always prioritize the needs of others, it can suck the life out of you and make you feel resentful. Remember, you want to do what you can to be your best self so that, when you do spend time with others, you are a person that people want to be with, not someone who is crabby because they are feeling resentful.

For example, if “rest” ranks high on your list but you’re constantly drained by family obligations, it might signal the need to set boundaries. Another helpful tool is to ask yourself questions like, “What exhausts me?” and “What do I need more of?” Doing so will help you identify what you need to do to get the rest you need. Perhaps its a yes to once a month visits, instead of weekly Sunday dinners.

Blocking out time on your calendar – whether for a “hike with the dog” or “reading time” – can make it easier to protect your priorities and say no when necessary. [10] If you already have a firm plan to do something, you have an easy way to get out of something else.

When you’re clear on what’s important to you, saying no feels less like rejecting someone and more like staying true to yourself.

#4 – Express Your Intentions Clearly

One of the questions that I always ask my clients who are struggling with this issue is:  Do you not want to say no because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable doing so?”

Research from Columbia psychologists Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake reveals that people often say yes to avoid the discomfort of declining a request, even when they don’t want to. While this might feel easier in the moment, it can lead to long-term resentment.

With your priorities in place, its important to express them assertively. Being assertive doesn’t mean being rude – it’s about stating your needs clearly while respecting the other person. [4][9] Use “I” statements to keep the focus on your perspective, such as, “I need to really need some sleep this week before my presentation”  or “I have plans to walk with Sarah that I don’t want to change.”

Keep your explanation short and honest. As Dr. Christine Carter, Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, explains:

Telling the truth is not the same as sharing more details than are necessary. [8]

Sometimes, a simple “I am so sorry but I just can’t do that” is all you need to say.

And, if your family won’t take no for an answer, try the Broken Record technique – repeat your polite refusal using the same words until your message is understood.

#5 – Be Kind and Confident When Saying No

A key part of successfully saying no to family members is doing so in a way that respects both your own boundaries and your relationships with others.

Make sure to be kind. Start with warmth to set a neutral and positive tone. Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explains:

If we signal that this is no big deal, and we’d like to help but can’t, that sets the tone for a more neutral interaction. [12]

Your body language can reinforce this message – smile, lean in slightly, or even offer a hug. These gestures show that you’re declining the request, not rejecting the person.] This helps family members understand that your refusal isn’t personal; it’s about what you’re able to do right now.

Using “I” statements is key to keeping the focus on your needs without placing blame. For instance, say, “I need to focus on my current responsibilities” rather than “You always ask too much.” Keep your explanation short and to the point – over-explaining only weakens your message and opens the door for negotiation. [11][4][8]

Also, frame your boundary as a matter-of-fact statement. Try phrases like, “This is what works for me.” Adopt a neutral tone – think of it like talking to a very understanding and flexible friend. Your body language can also reinforce your message: maintain eye contact and a confident posture, or use a smile or hug to show you’re rejecting the request, not the person. [12]

Another way to soften the blow is by providing an alternative. Doing so shows that you care, even if you can’t meet the original request. For example, if you can’t commit to an overnight visit, you might say, “I can join you for the afternoon instead.” [11][6]

Be specific when you offer alternatives. Vague replies like “We’ll try to stop by” can lead to misunderstandings. Instead, say something like, “We’ll be there from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.” If you anticipate recurring requests – especially around holidays or family events – set your boundaries in advance to give everyone time to adjust. [6]

#6 – Be Prepared For The Reaction

Once you’ve have figured how to stand up for yourself clearly, it’s time to prepare yourself for how others might react.

You know your family member. Will they react badly or will they just be disappointed? It’s important to keep this in mind. People often overestimate how negatively others will judge their refusal.  In reality, most people respect those who set clear boundaries. [10][7] That being said, if you know that your family member will react badly, be prepared to stay calm and do what you can do to calm the situation, without giving in.

If you see that your family member feels disappointed, no matter who they react, acknowledge their emotions with a statement like, “I understand this matters to you, but I need to prioritize my own needs.”  Jen Lumanlan, M.S., M.Ed., offers a helpful reminder:

Your experience of guilt doesn’t mean their disappointment is your responsibility to fix. [6]

#7 – Push Back On The Guilt After You Say No

Even after you’ve confidently said no, that nagging guilt can still hang around. It’s important to remind yourself that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Saying no is about protecting your well-being, and that’s not selfish – it’s necessary. The trick is learning to handle this guilt with kindness toward yourself.

Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is pretty normal, but self-compassion can help ease that discomfort.  Think of it like the soreness you feel after a workout – it’s a sign that you’re growing stronger and healthier in the long run. [15]

When guilt sneaks in, try writing down the guilty thought, like “I’m being selfish.” Then list evidence that challenges it, such as “I need rest to be a better parent tomorrow.” Finally, replace it with a more balanced truth like, “I have the right to prioritize my needs” or “Saying no helps me show up fully for what matters most.” [5][14] These small practices not only ease guilt but also build your confidence in maintaining healthy boundaries.

Once you’ve shown yourself some compassion, shift your focus to the positive outcomes of setting boundaries. These limits protect your energy, reinforce your self-respect, and allow you to be more present with your loved ones. By respecting your limits, you avoid the burnout and resentment that often come from overcommitting. [2][15]

Kendall Carriere, a relationship therapist, explains it perfectly:

Boundaries are not walls. They’re doors you open and close intentionally – protecting both your energy and your relationships [14].

 

Once your no has been set firmly in place, take a moment to notice the benefits – whether its being proud of yourself for setting your boundaries, whether it’s extra rest, improved self-esteem, or a more honest relationship. By safeguarding your energy, you’re also nurturing deeper, more respectful connections with yourself and with the people in your life.

Learning how to say “no” can actually improve your relationships.

It might be hard to believe but saying no creates healthier and more respectful family dynamics. After all, the truth is always better than a lie when it comes to human relationships.

By setting clear limits, know that you’re not shutting people out. Instead, you’re creating a framework that allows everyone to interact with greater safety and respect. You are taking care of yourself which will, ultimately, be the best thing for you, and for your family.

Tried and True Ways To Manage Trust Issues in Your New Relationship

/by

New relationships can be challenging. Of course, they are wonderful in many ways because there is nothing more magical than falling in love, but they can also be challenging as the relationship progresses.

For many of us, we have been deeply hurt in the past and, therefore, find it difficult to trust a new person. Instead of being open to love, we put up walls and look for issues where there might not be any.

Did you know that this is so common that there is actually a word for it: pistanthrophobia, the fear of trusting others. [15]

Fortunately, while are trust issues can make new relationships challenging, but they’re not impossible to overcome.

The key to overcoming trust issues is to have awareness that trust issues are a thing and to learn how to move past them. Let me share with you how to do just that so that you can have the loving relationship that you want!

5 Ways To Build Trust Early in Dating And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Define Your Trust Issues

A great way to safeguard relationships is by spotting trust issues early on. These challenges often reveal themselves pretty quickly through specific thought patterns and behaviors toward your partner.

#1 – Do You Overanalyze Your Partner’s Actions?

Do you find yourself reading too much into your partner’s behavior? Do you feel like you are analyzing everything your new person says and does? Do you find that you aren’t likely to believe what they do or say and does that block you from truly connecting with them?

Trust issues often lead to overanalyzing someone’s words or actions, sometimes assigning negative meanings where none exist.[9][7] For instance, if your partner comes home late, you might jump to conclusions about infidelity instead of considering something as simple as a traffic delay. [10]

This constant overthinking can make you question even genuine compliments or acts of love, creating a cycle of doubt and insecurity. Recognizing this tendency is a crucial first step toward addressing its deeper causes.

#2 – Do You Struggle to Be Vulnerable?

Keeping emotional distance from your partner is another sign of trust issues. You might avoid sharing your thoughts or feelings, fearing judgment or rejection. [9][11][4]

Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, from Cleveland Clinic, explains:

“If you’re not being authentic or saying what you need in a relationship out of fear or mistrust, you could end up internalizing those feelings and worsen the situation.” [5]

By holding back, you miss out on building the emotional intimacy that forms the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.

#3 – Do You Constantly Seeking Reassurance?

If you frequently ask your partner for reassurance – whether it’s about their love for you or their commitment – it could point to underlying trust issues. [10][4][9]This behavior often stems from a fear of abandonment, even when there’s no evidence to support it. [12][13]

I know that when I was first with my husband, I was absolutely petrified that he would abandon me like my ex-husband did. This caused me to sabotage our relationship in more ways than one. Luckily, I saw what I was doing before it was too late.

A need for constant reassurance can strain a relationship. Over time, your partner might feel emotionally drained, and the very behavior meant to secure the relationship could end up driving a wedge between you. [12][4]

Identifying these behaviors is an essential step in understanding the root of your trust issues, paving the way for deeper exploration.

Identify Where Trust Issues Come From

Trust Issues Statistics: Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Trust Issues Statistics: Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Once you’ve identified trust issues, it’s essential to explore their origins. Your past experiences often shape how you approach trust. As Dr. Ramone Ford from Cleveland Clinic explains:

“Early in life, you form expectations and beliefs that the world and certain people will act a certain way. If your needs aren’t met earlier in life, it becomes harder to build those connections and to open up and be vulnerable in relationships.” [5]

It’s important to remember that your reactions are rooted in genuine pain, not personal shortcomings. Recognizing this distinction allows you to separate past trauma from your current reality, giving you a chance to respond differently in new relationships. A closer look at past betrayals can help explain why trust feels so fragile.

#1 – Past Relationship Betrayals

Experiences like infidelity or dishonesty can leave lasting scars. If a former partner cheated on you, lied, or manipulated you through gaslighting, it’s natural to develop a protective mindset – a “never again” approach to avoid future hurt. [7] Some people even identify these issue in dating profiles, hoping they won’t be repeated. These betrayals often lead to heightened vigilance in later relationships.

Traumatic breakups or unexpected divorces can also shake your confidence, making you question your ability to judge others. Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW, highlights this impact:

“A person can have had a secure attachment during childhood; however, betrayals and infidelity in adulthood can lead to an insecure attachment.” [14]

The challenge is to recognize that a single betrayal doesn’t dictate every future relationship. Your new partner isn’t responsible for the mistakes of someone else, but understanding how past wounds influence your reactions can help you navigate triggers.

#2 – Childhood Experiences

Your ability to trust often takes root long before your first relationship. The attachment bond you formed with your caregivers – typically between 7 and 11 months old – creates a template for how you connect with others throughout life. [14] If your caregivers were reliable and nurturing, you likely developed a secure attachment style. But if they were inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, you may have learned early on that people aren’t dependable.

Research shows that 56% of adults have a secure attachment style, while 19% have an anxious attachment style (characterized by fear of abandonment) and 25% have an avoidant attachment style (marked by fear of intimacy). [14] Childhood experiences such as witnessing parental infidelity, growing up in high-conflict households, or facing rejection from peers can reinforce a belief that relationships are inherently unstable.

For children exposed to violence, the impact can be profound. Women are 3.5 times more likely and men 3.8 times more likely to repeat these patterns as adults. [7] These early experiences shape your expectations about safety, reliability, and whether being vulnerable leads to connection or rejection.

While understanding these origins doesn’t undo the past, it can help reframe trust issues as natural responses to real experiences – not personal flaws. Your trust issues are NOT YOUR FAULT. They didn’t happen in a void. You experienced some sore of trauma that brought you to this place. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Learn to Build Trust Through Open Communication

Understanding how your past shapes trust is just the beginning – clear communication acts as the bridge to move forward. Once you’ve identified trust issues, having honest conversations with your partner becomes essential. This means sharing your thoughts and feelings while also creating space for theirs. Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC, from Talkspace, highlights the importance of this foundation:

“Trust is the belief that someone can be relied on to do or say something that was agreed upon. Trust issues are the inability to believe that one can rely on another person… Without trust, no relationship is sustainable.” [3]

This was the key to getting past my trust issues with my husband. We were able to talk openly and honestly about how I was feeling so that he could understand where I was coming from. He had nurturing parents and had never had his heart broken, so understanding my trust issues was not easy. But, once he understood, we worked together to make a plan for moving forward.

That being said, it isn’t always as easy as one might hope to have these kinds of conversations because sometimes they can spark conflict rather than strengthen connection. Finding ways to communicate effectively is the goal.

#1 – Express Your Fears and Concerns Without Assigning Blame

Opening up about fears and concerns without assigning blame requires a shift in how you approach conversations. Using “I” statements can help take ownership of your feelings instead of pointing fingers. For example, rather than saying, “You always ignore my texts,” try, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for several hours.” [5][17]

Start small by discussing minor concerns, like how you’d prefer to spend your evenings or your daily schedule, before diving into tougher topics like finances or past betrayals. [4] This gradual approach builds trust and reassures your partner that honesty is safe.

Try to keep in mind that your partner has good intentions. [4][5] Very few people set out to hurt those they care about. If you can hold on to this thoughts, it helps keep discussions productive and prevents defensive reactions. If a conversation touches a “raw spot” – a sensitive issue from your past that triggers an emotional response – acknowledge it openly instead of shutting down. [4]

Once you’ve expressed yourself, the next step is to focus on listening.

#2 – Listen Without Judgment

Trust isn’t just about speaking – it’s also about how you listen. Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, Psychologist, explains the value of active listening:

“Actively listen to what someone says about their needs, their boundaries and what’s important to them. When you show that you care about their interests, their safety and their happiness, it tells the other person that you appreciate their values and their beliefs.” [16]

Instead of assuming you know what your partner means, ask clarifying questions. This not only shows genuine interest but also reduces misunderstandings. [1] Try to have these conversations not in a busy, noisy restaurant but somplace you can concentrate on listening and understanding perspectives.

Validation is equally important. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions to show that their feelings matter. [17] Avoid dismissive responses like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which can deflect accountability and escalate tension. Instead, try phrases like, “I understand why that would upset you” or “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Finally, setting clear expectations helps reinforce trust.

#3 – Set Expectations Early On

Trust thrives on consistency and predictability. Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, Psychologist, emphasizes:

“Trust is learned over time and it’s based on your faith in the boundaries, limitations and expectations that you set up for each other.” [16]

Unfortunately, when we go into new relationships we aren’t always honest about who we are. We don’t do this maliciously – we just want to put our best foot forward so we can try to hide some of darkness. As a result, when trust issues do arise, they often seem to come out of the blue.

Set expections early – be honest! Misunderstandings can lead to emotional harm and strain the relationship, ultimately breaking it down.[15]

Be upfront about your boundaries and what you need to feel secure. This could include regular check-ins, transparency about friendships, or shared relationship goals. [16] While these conversations might feel awkward initially, they can prevent recurring conflicts.

Equally important is aligning your actions with your words. If you promise to call at a specific time, make sure you follow through. Small acts of reliability – like showing up when you say you will – build trust over time. On the other hand, repeated lateness or broken promises can erode it. [16] And make sure that things work both ways: communicate what you need from your partner and ask them to share their expectations as well. [15]

For tailored advice on addressing trust issues and improving communication, working with a life coach – like me – can be very helpful.

Focus on Personal Growth and Forgiving Yourself

Trusting yourself is just as important as trusting your partner. [6] Carrying unresolved pain from the past can create emotional barriers – walls that may have once protected you but now hinder genuine connections. [21] One of the best ways to deal with trust issues is to not have them at all!

Focusing on self-improvement and practicing forgiveness, both for yourself and others, opens the door to healthier, more meaningful relationships.

#1 – Practice Self-Reflection and Self-Compassion

Understanding the root of your trust issues starts with honest self-reflection. When you feel suspicious, take a moment to ask yourself, “What triggered this emotion?” [22] It is so important that you work to  separate facts from feelings. [22][5] Research shows that while genetics can influence trust tendencies, distrust often stems from social experiences and family dynamics. [2] The good news? These patterns can be changed with conscious effort.

A helpful tool is journaling. Write down thoughts like, “Everyone will betray me” and examine the evidence supporting or contradicting that belief. [6] This process helps you recognize outdated defense mechanisms that no longer serve you. Be kind to yourself during this process. As Dr. Ramone Ford, Ph.D., advises:

“If you’ve suffered an emotional injury and you choose to stay and work on the relationship, having empathy for yourself is important because that takes a lot of work.”

[15]

The key to this is showing yourself compassion during tough moments so that you can stay focused on growth instead of slipping into old habits. This self-awareness paves the way for letting go of past pain through forgiveness.

#2 – Forgive Both Yourself and Others

Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing what happened – it’s about choosing to release negative emotions like anger, resentment, or the urge for revenge. [23][24] Venerable Thubten Chodron explains it best:

“Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did is okay, it is letting go of our negative emotions.” [23]

Holding onto grudges can take a toll on both your mental and physical health. [24] Letting go benefits not just your relationship but also your overall well-being.

Self-forgiveness is equally essential. We are often our own worse enemy- we hate how weak we think we are and judge ourselves for our feelings. Its important that you approach your past and present actions with kindness and honesty. [25] Your past experiences have led you to this place and that is okay. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Try to accept that and look forward instead of back. And, if you struggle to do so, don’t give up. Forgive yourself and try again!

#3 – Seek Professional Support

When self-reflection and self-work hit a wall, professional guidance can help you move forward. A certified coach can offer a fresh perspective, helping you uncover hidden patterns and create strategies tailored to your specific challenges around trust issue in relationships. Believe it or not, there are many people who struggle with trust issues and sometimes a professional who has guided many people before you can make a huge difference.

As a life coach working with people with trust issues, I offer one-on-one sessions where you’ll gain tools to identify triggers, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and rebuild trust in your own judgment. Working with me will help you reframe past betrayals as isolated incidents rather than universal truths. [6] Doing these things can speed up the healing process so that you can find the love that you want!

“Trusting is a decision you make, not a feeling that happens to you.” – Kayla Knopp, Clinical Graduate Student, University of Denver [8].

Rebuilding trust starts with self-trust and separating past experiences from present realities.

The process takes time, consistency, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Be honest about your triggers and boundaries, but avoid assigning blame. Be specific about what you need to feel safe, and what you can give in return. Forgive yourself for carrying the pain of old relationships.

And remember, its important to recognize the difference between trusting someone and trying to control every outcome. Healthy relationships require accepting some level of uncertainty.

Through self-awareness, honest communication, and consistent effort, trust can flourish. By embracing these changes, you can nurture a relationship where trust becomes a cornerstone, not a question mark.

How Technology Can Help, And Hurt, Romantic Relationships, According to Experts

/by

Technology is, in so many ways, shaping our lives. When it comes to relationships, its influence can be particularly profound.

While technology can help people stay close through texts, video calls, and social media, especially over long distances, it also creates challenges because it can get in the way of healthy relationship dynamics.

Understanding how technology can both help and hurt a relationship is key to making sure that it doesn’t affect you and your life and your happily ever after.

“By allowing technology to interfere with or interrupt conversations, activities, and time with romantic partners – even when unintentional or for brief moments – individuals may be sending implicit messages about what they value most, leading to conflict and negative outcomes.” [2]

How Can Technology Strengthen A Relationship?

#1 – Staying Connected Across Distance

I remember the days when long distance relationships were impossible to manage. Between long distance telephone rates and snail-mail, maintaining a emotional attachment was very difficult. Technology has become a lifeline for couples trying to stay emotionally connected, no matter where they are. In fact, 21% of partnered cell phone or internet users say online or text communication makes them feel closer to their significant other. [5] For younger couples aged 18 to 29, that number climbs to 41%. [5]

Its amazing how a quick “thinking of you” text during a busy day or a video call to wind down together helps bridge the physical gap and make us feel even closer to our significant other. Even at home, 25% of couples admit to texting each other within the same space, proving how digital communication is now a natural part of daily life.[5] These small but consistent gestures lay the groundwork for meaningful emotional exchanges.

#2 – Making It Easier to Share Feelings, Sometimes

I believe that in many situations, texting can become a go-to method for tackling emotional conversations. When feelings are intense, typing out thoughts gives people the chance to pause, reflect, and choose their words carefully – without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face discussion.

Texting also provides a safe environment for handling tough topics. Emojis, used over 10 billion times daily worldwide, add a layer of emotional nuance, acting as digital stand-ins for facial expressions and gestures. [7]

That being said, it is important to note that texting is not always a great way of discussing difficult topics. I know, from personal experience, that people do say things over text that they might not say face-to-face. Furthermore, texts can be misconstrued because the emotions that are attached to the words are difficult to discern. As a result, people might take things differently from the way they were intended. This is particularly the case with women who tend to analyze every word in a text that is sent to them. So, maybe use texting as a way to initiate a conversation might be a good idea but, if things starts to escalate, switch to a face-to-face conversation or a telephone call.

Research does show that 9% of partnered adults have resolved arguments digitally when in-person resolution felt too difficult. Among younger adults aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 23%. [5] So, perhaps, using texting as a means of resolving difficulties is one tool in the toolbox that can help transform potentially challenging conversations into more manageable exchanges.

#3 – Building Bonds

Everyday digital habits can play a huge role in strengthening emotional ties. For instance, 48% of partnered social media users aged 18 to 29 say platforms like Instagram or TikTok are key to showing how much they care about their partner. [3] Social media users over 30 say the same thing about Facebook.

Whether it’s leaving a supportive comment, sharing a funny post, or simply checking in, these actions create a sense of ongoing contact that keeps couples emotionally connected even during hectic schedules. [8]

That being said, as much as being on social media can connect to people, so can NOT using social media affect a relationship. I have a client who would watch her partner post TikToks that were related to his work even as he didn’t return her text messages. That she knew what he was doing all the day didn’t help her feel safe as she felt like his work was more important to him than she was.

Sharing passwords, or locations, – something 67% of users do – can add another layer of trust and transparency. [5] Tools like shared calendars and synchronized schedules also help couples stay on the same page, making it easier to navigate life together.[5] These digital habits, while seemingly small, can collectively build a strong foundation for emotional intimacy.

Esther Perel on The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy | SXSW 2023

SXSW

How Does Technology Damage Relationships?

While technology has undoubtedly transformed the way we connect, it also poses challenges to emotional closeness in relationships. As I said above, using texting as the only means of communication about difficult issues or not using social media in a way that makes your partner feel safe can disrupt the delicate balance of intimacy and connection. It is important to understand how technology can damage even the healthiest of relationships.

#1 – Technoferencing and Phubbing

Technology can be both a bridge and a barrier for couples. And, of course, technology has come up with two names for things that can get in the way of a healthy relationship: technoferencing and phubbing. (Kind of silly words, no?)

Technoferencing refers to the interruptions in daily interactions caused by technology. [10] Phubbing, on the other hand, happens when one partner ignores the other in favor of their phone or device. [9]

I am sure that you have experienced one or both of these things more than once in your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner were having an important discussion and a friend reached out to him to talk about football. Your partner might have stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on his friend’s text instead, leaving you feeling unimportant and abandoned.

I remember how one of my ex-boyfriends would always pick up his phone during ads while we were watching TV. He never turned to me to say what do you think or to hug me or to ask if I wanted a snack. Instead he always picked up his phone and scrolled. I found it incredibly insulting.

Studies show that these distractions are alarmingly common – 70% of women in committed relationships report that technology interferes with their interactions. [10] When a partner reaches for their phone during shared moments, it can diminish someone’s ability to recognize and respond empathetically to emotional needs [9].

Psychologist Brandon McDaniel explains:

“Many interruptions, even unintentional, send the message that the technology device is more important in that moment than one’s romantic partner.” [10]

For people with anxious attachment styles, this behavior can amplify fears of rejection and spark jealousy. [9] Feeling rejected, the neglected partner might also turn to their phone, creating a cycle of disconnection. Even the mere presence of a phone can chip away at trust and reduce feelings of empathy. [9]

#2 – Social Media Jealousy and Disagreements

Social media platforms often blur boundaries in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and tension. For example, 23% of partnered adults have reported feeling jealous or uncertain about their relationship due to their partner’s online interactions. [3] Additionally, over half (53%) of social media users admit to checking up on an ex-partner online. [3]

This, I always tell my clients, is something that it’s important to recognize right away in a relationship. After all, when those boundaries do get blurred because of social media, a healthy relationship can be difficult. Remember, someone’s social media presence doesn’t necessarily represent the truth of their life. What it is is a representation of the best part of their life. So, if someone’s partner posts something that feels like a half truth, or doesn’t involve an accurate representation of their relationship, they can feel deceived and disrespected.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok can further strain relationships, just like they do productivity. Research shows that excessive use of Instagram often leads to lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent arguments because users often get so involved by what they’re seeing on their screen that they damage any connection they might have with their partner in the moment. They also might overuse the apps which, like any other addiction, can be devastating to any kind of relationship. [12] As Skye Bouffard noted:

“The sequential effects of reduced relationship satisfaction and increased conflicts then triggered addictive use of Instagram.” [12]

Interestingly, the cultural context also plays a role. In Western cultures, phubbing tends to result in direct conflicts, while in Eastern cultures, it’s more closely tied to lower marital satisfaction and heightened jealousy. [9] These patterns reveal how technology can gradually erode trust and intimacy.

#3- Online Betrayal and Broken Trust

Technology has introduced new ways for trust to be compromised in relationships. Emotional cheating, for instance, involves forming a deep emotional bond with someone outside the relationship and sharing thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for one’s partner. Even seemingly minor actions, like secretly checking an ex’s social media or flirting online, can breach trust. [13] Clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Carr explains:

“Emotional cheating involves a level of secrecy, emotional intimacy, or reliance on someone that should typically be reserved for one’s partner.” [13]

Digital snooping is another behavior that undermines trust. Research shows that women engage in this behavior more often than men – 42% compared to 25%. [3] Among younger adults, 52% admit to such actions.[3] I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me the first time because of something that they have discovered on their partners phone. They know they shouldn’t have been snooping, but they couldn’t help themselves.

Again, media addiction can also play a significant role in these dynamics. Research shows a strong link between media addiction and phubbing which can create a feedback loop where technology not only causes but also intensifies insecurities in relationships. [9]

How Can You Effectively Use Technology to Keep Your Relationship Healthy?

Technology has its challenges, but when used thoughtfully, it can actually bring couples closer. The secret lies in setting clear boundaries and using digital tools to enhance your connection – never to replace it.

#1 – Setting Limits on Device Use

Creating device-free zones is one way to protect quality time. Studies reveal that technoference happens on about 21.5% of days, disrupting moments that couples need to connect. [11] To counter this, designate phone-free areas like the dining table, bedroom, or during date nights. You can also keep chargers in shared spaces to discourage private scrolling. [14][15][17]

In a 14-day study, over half of participants (56.1%) reported phone interruptions on at least two or three days, and those moments often led to feelings of sadness, boredom, or even anger for 62% of them. [11][1] Researcher McDaniel found that even brief interruptions from technology can send the wrong message – making your partner feel like they’re not your top priority. [2] By setting these limits, you create space for more meaningful conversations and connection.

#2 – Communicating Thoughtfully

Technology can actually strengthen your bond when used with intention. While sometimes it might be good idea to use texting for sensitive topics, stick to face-to-face conversations or phone calls to avoid misunderstandings. [15][16] On the flip side, small digital gestures – like sending a sweet text, a voice note, or even a funny meme – can show your partner you’re thinking of them throughout the day. These little moments of connection help balance out the distractions that devices can bring.

If you do need to use your phone while spending time together, involve your partner. Show them what you’re doing or explain why it’s important. Research suggests that when you include your partner in your phone activities, it helps reduce feelings of being left out and keeps the connection intact. [1] And here’s a simple rule: in-person conversations always come first. If your partner wants to talk face-to-face, set your phone aside immediately. [15][16] You can even turn on airplane mode during special moments – it’s a small gesture that shows your partner they matter more than any notification.

#3- Repairing Trust When Technology is Making Things Worse

When technology causes tension or trust is broken, rebuilding that trust is crucial. Start with an open conversation to define what trust means for both of you and to agree on digital boundaries moving forward. [18] Being honest about your mistakes, taking responsibility, and expressing genuine remorse can go a long way towards rebuilding that trust. [18]

If phone use has become a problem in your relationship, consider making phone use a part of regular weekly relationship check-ins. Share what’s working, where there are challenges, and any concerns about how your phones might be affecting your relationship. [19] It’s important to express your feelings without shaming or blame, like saying “I’d really appreciate some uninterrupted time together,” instead of “You’re always on your phone.” This way, your partner won’t feel attacked and might be more willing to work together to make sure that technology isn’t damaging the relationship.

Technology can either bring couples closer or create distance – it all depends on how it’s used.

Research highlights this dual impact: 21% of people in committed relationships feel more connected to their partner through digital interactions yet 51% admit their partner gets distracted by their phone during conversations. [5][3] The key to tipping the scale in favor of connection lies in being intentional and aware of your tech habits.

Simple gestures like sending a thoughtful text can strengthen your bond, while behaviors like phubbing or technoference can slowly undermine relationship satisfaction. Psychotherapist Amy Morin explains it well:

“One or two bad habits with technology could damage your bond. While issues like jealousy and communication problems certainly pre-date smartphones and social media, technology has allowed them to grow bigger” [4].

Remember, the power to shape your relationship in the digital age is in your hands – literally.

As technology continues to evolve, the core elements of a strong relationship remain unchanged: undivided attention, genuine presence, and making your partner feel valued. By setting aside distractions and focusing on meaningful connection, you can ensure your relationship thrives – even in a world filled with screens.

The Ultimate Guide to Conflict Resolution for Long-Distance Couples

/by

It has been years since I was in a long-distance relationship but I remember that being in one it was really hard. Granted, he was in Australia and I was in New York but when it comes to managing conflict in a long-distance relationship, distance shouldn’t really matter.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, resolving conflicts can feel harder than usual. Miscommunication, mismatched schedules, jealousy, and unmet expectations create unique challenges that can strain your connection. Without physical presence, every disagreement relies solely on effective communication, which makes resolving issues even more critical.

Here’s the good news: conflicts don’t have to weaken your relationship. Instead, they can strengthen trust, deepen emotional intimacy, and improve your communication skills. The key lies in approaching disagreements as a team, addressing issues head-on and working together to do what needs to be done to keep the relationship strong.

Let’s take a look at tools to manage conflict as well as steps that you can take that will help prevent issues in the first place and help you rebuild trust when conflict is resolved.

 

 

#1 – Approach Conflicts as a Team.

Seeing your partner as the enemy is a losing game. Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger emphasizes that disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them together defines your relationship. [6]

I can’t tell you how many of clients think that the best way to tell someone that they have let them down is not a productive one. They either go quiet or attack their partner for their behavior.  This will only make things worse!

Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, shift your mindset to finding solutions that work for both of you .[6] Think of yourselves as teammates facing a challenge together. For example, if your partner forgets to text during a hectic day and you find it upsetting, the issue isn’t about proving who’s more thoughtful – it’s about you being more explicit about your needs and him understanding how important texts are to you.

#2 – Learn to Manage Your Own Emotions.

Your body’s stress response can derail even the most well-intentioned conversation. When your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute during a disagreement, you enter a state called “flooding.” [8][2]

“It is virtually impossible for us to absorb what our partner is saying, and therefore to have a productive discussion [when the heart rate exceeds 100 bpm].” – John Gottman, Psychologist and Researcher [2]

When this happens, take a 20-minute break to reset. Research shows it takes about 20 minutes for your body to calm down after hitting that stress threshold .[2] If you feel overwhelmed, communicate it clearly: “I need a moment to calm down. Can we revisit this in an hour?” This isn’t avoidance – it’s damage control.

Simple actions like deep breathing or squeezing a stress ball can help you regain your composure.[7] Take a walk or a bath. DON’T call a friend to complain about your person – this will only keep that heart rate elevated.

Try these techniques to engage your senses and send calming signals to your nervous system, which will allow you to get grounded once again. Once calm, you’ll be better equipped to express yourself clearly and listen effectively.

#3 – Don’t Text! Facetime!

For serious discussions, video calls are essential. Unlike text messages, video calls let you pick up on nonverbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, which are crucial for understanding and trust. A simple text like “I’m fine” can be wildly ambiguous – are they content or upset? And, unfortunately, women are apt to dissect every word in a text, looking for hidden meanings, things that men don’t tend to use. Video calls eliminate that guessing game by providing context. [2][3]

When you are looking at your partner’s face, and they are looking at yours, “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, say, “When you don’t text back as we agreed, I feel disconnected.” [2][3] This approach focuses on your emotions rather than blaming your partner, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness.

Practice active listening to ensure clarity. Paraphrase your partner’s words to confirm you’ve understood them. Try saying, “So what I hear you saying is… is that right?” [2] This technique not only shows respect but also prevents miscommunication, ensuring you are addressing the real issue rather than a misinterpreted one.

#4 – Address Behaviors, Not Character Flaws, To Identify The Root of The Conflict.

If you’re tempted to think “They’re so inconsiderate,” pause and dig deeper. What unmet need is driving your frustration? That argument about texting frequency might actually reflect a desire for security or reassurance. [7][2] By identifying the root issue, you can stop blaming each other and start working as a team to resolve it. Working together lays the groundwork for managing emotions constructively and keeping your relationship a happy one.

#5 – Work Together on Conflict Resolution and The Reconnection.

With emotions under control and the right communication channel in place, focus on working together rather than against each other. Shift your mindset from competition to collaboration [6] and dig deeper to identify the root of the issue. What seems like a small trigger – like a late reply to a text – might actually reflect deeper concerns, such as feeling neglected.[2] Ask questions like, “What’s really going on here?” to move past surface-level disagreements.

Acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings. Licensed marriage and family therapist Randy Brazzel emphasizes:

“Everyone wins when there is an atmosphere of mutual respect.” [16]

Work on solutions together. If a clear compromise doesn’t emerge right away, try a temporary solution for a couple of weeks and reassess its impact. [2] Finally, small gestures – like saying, “I know we’re on the same team” – can go a long way in reaffirming your commitment and rebuilding emotional connection.

5-Step Conflict Resolution Process for Long-Distance Couples

How to Prevent Conflicts in Long-Distance Relationships

The number one thing that I share with my clients who are in long distance relationships is the importance of understanding how to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place.

#1 – Set Clear Expectations from the Get Go.

At the beginning of the relationship, make sure you define the nature of your relationship – whether it’s casual, committed, or open. This ensures everyone is on the same page and avoids unpleasant surprises down the road. [10][11]

Next, agree on a communication routine that works for both of you. Maybe that means short daily calls or longer chats a few times a week. Also, set realistic expectations for response times, whether it’s during busy workdays or relaxed weekends. [10][11][9] If you know you’ll be unavailable, let your partner know in advance. This small step can prevent unnecessary worry and build trust without the need for constant check-ins. [12]

It’s also helpful to create a shared vision for the future, including a general timeline for when and where you’ll eventually live together. Research suggests that long-distance couples often report high satisfaction levels, partly because having a clear “finish line” makes the distance feel more manageable. [12][11]

Once expectations are set, you can focus on creating a strategy for handling conflicts when they arise.

#2 – Work As a Team to Define How to Speak to Each Other.

When both partners contribute to setting the ground rules, they are more likely to stick to them during heated moments. Licensed clinical professional counselor Jimmy G. Owen highlights that how you say something often matters more than what you’re saying. [13]

“The WAY a person says something always trumps WHAT they are saying. In other words, STYLE always trumps CONTENT.” – Jimmy G. Owen, LCPC, CDWF [13]

Set boundaries for behaviors that are off-limits during arguments. This might include banning yelling, name-calling, or sarcasm – Owen points out that sarcasm’s Greek origin literally translates to “tearing of the flesh.” [13]

#3 – Agree on When to Talk…and When Not To.

If a conversation gets too heated, either partner can call for a break. The key is to set a specific time to reconnect, like saying, “Let’s talk again at 8:00 PM.” This reassures the other person that the discussion isn’t being abandoned. [13][2] Also, avoid starting serious conversations late at night or after you have been drinking because both can derail any kind of productive dialogue. [2]

Before digging into sensitive topics, make sure that your partner is up for the conversation. I try to always tell my partner ahead of time that I want to have a chat and ask him when a good time to do so would be. This will allow you both to be open and willing to have a discussion when the time comes.

#4 – Stay Connected Before and After A Conflict Arises.

While setting expectations and rules helps, maintaining a strong connection before, during and after conflict is essential for long-term harmony.

Regular check-ins can stop resentment from building. Make sure you take the time to talk about how the relationship is going – outside of conflict resolution. These proactive conversations help address small concerns before they grow into larger issues. [14][10]

Keep things positive by actively appreciating your partner. Share what you admire about them often – not just during apologies after a fight. This habit creates a buffer of goodwill, making it easier to navigate tough times. [1].

Take time to really get to know each other. Ask about their current interests, childhood memories, or future goals. Interestingly, the physical distance in long-distance relationships often allows for deeper verbal communication than couples who live together. [1][15]

And while staying connected is important, don’t forget not to lose yourself in this relationship. Use the time apart to work on yourself, which can bring fresh energy into your life in general. [12][15]

How To Rebuild Trust After Major Conflicts

After resolving immediate conflicts, the next step is crucial: rebuilding trust and strengthening your connection. This involves addressing both the surface-level hurt and the deeper, underlying issues that may have contributed to the conflict.

#1 – Come To A Consensus About What Happened.

If you and your partner have been able to work together to resolve your conflict, its time to work together to move forward in a healthy way.

It’s important to first process lingering emotions. Both partners need to acknowledge what happened and commit to meaningful change. [17] Again, its important not to text but to Facetime to capture nonverbal cues that can be essential for understanding. [1][2]

#2 – Take Stock of What Needs to Be Different Going Forward.

The key to moving forward is having the tools to do so! Share ideas until you find solutions that work for both of you. [6] If the same issues keep coming up over and over, dig deeper to uncover the root causes. For instance, disagreements about missed calls might actually stem from unmet needs for security or respect. [5][4] Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger highlights the importance of fully resolving conflicts:

“The couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” [6].

These focused conversations lay the groundwork for rebuilding emotional safety.

#3 – Re-establish Emotional Safety in the Relationship.

Trust isn’t rebuilt through words alone – it requires consistent, reliable actions. Start by practicing transparency, like sharing calendars to eliminate any sense of secrecy. [18][19] Even small, consistent gestures, such as texting at a specific time, can show reliability and care.

Establish regular check-ins to assess how things are going – on what’s working, what needs to improve, and what behaviors might need to stop. [6] Establish daily or weekly rituals, like morning or evening check-ins, to keep your emotional connection strong. [6]

Have fun really getting to know each other. Have regular conversations about each other’s hopes, dreams, and life experiences. [1] Gaining a better understanding of your partner’s inner world fosters emotional safety, making it easier to be open and vulnerable without fear of judgment.

#4 – Get Professional Support to Help You Move Past Conflict.

In some cases, professional guidance is essential. If trust has been severely broken – due to issues like financial dishonesty – or if conflicts seem impossible to resolve on your own, seeking help can make a big difference. [20][4] Relationship coaches (LIKE ME!) can give neutral advice and share strategies tailored to your unique challenges, including those in long-distance relationships. [17][4] An outsider’s perspective can make resolution and on-going peace not only possible but probable.

Conflict in long-relationships can be devastating and make it seem like happily-ever-after will be impossible.

However, know there is an upside to conflict in long-distance relationships as it can be a chance to strengthen trust and build resilience. When you approach disagreements as partners working together instead of as adversaries, you’re doing more than just solving problems – you’re proving that your bond can endure challenges. Psychologist Lisa McKay captures this idea well:

“Knowing the relationship can survive fighting makes fighting less threatening. And finding fighting less threatening means we tend to raise concerns earlier rather than allowing tension to build up” [2].

Each argument offers a window into your partner’s inner world – their values, fears, and priorities.  Every resolved conflict reinforces your shared strength and brings you closer together. The physical miles between you can become a reason to communicate more thoughtfully, understand each other more deeply, and love each other even more fiercely.

9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

/by

9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

Marriage is long and hard and, for many men, it is very different than what they thought it would be.

When we get married, we are feeling madly in love with our person and sure that we will live happily ever after. We feel seen, heard, respected and loved. And then marriage happens. Time goes on and people start taking each other for granted. Kids come along and they make being a couple more complicated. A thousand little cuts make the relationship seem like it is on shaky ground.

While both members of a marriage can feel disheartened by what has happened, men are particularly vulnerable. Women have friends to process things with. Men not so much. So its important that wives are aware of what their men need.

Here are 7 things that a husband needs in a marriage so that you can consider what you are giving your husband and what might be missing.

#1 – He needs to feel like you respect him.

First and foremost, your husband, and any person in the world, needs to feel respected.

Perhaps you are thinking “of course I respect him” but think about it. Do you really? And if you do, do you show him that you do?

I know that when I was married, I did not have a lot of respect for my ex-husband. Oh, I did in the beginning, but as time went on, that respect faded. The reasons why will surprise you.

Over the years my husband wasn’t great at doing what he said he was going to do. When he did do something, I gave him a hard time for doing it wrong (read: my way). I wasn’t, at times, happy with his parenting style. There were so many little things that just got on my nerves.

As a result, I lost respect for him. Even worse, I let him know that I had lost respect for him by treating him with contempt. I was passive aggressive and condescending and never made him feel welcomed.

It was not good for him, that I know.

I always encourage my clients to work hard to keep up the respect for their husbands. The key to that is clearly communicating what they need, putting issues to bed that arise and recognizing that we are all human beings just doing our best!

You can do it too!

#2 – He wants you to desire him.

This is an interesting one.

All women know that men want sex. They want sex as often as they can get it and can get grumpy when they don’t. What my male clients tell me that surprised me was that not only do they want sex but they want to be desired by their wives.

They want their wives to actively want to have sex with them. They want them to initiate it and enjoy it. They want need to know that their wives don’t treat having sex as another type of chore.

And this desire doesn’t just include sex. Men want to be touched. They want their wife to want to hold their hand, to give them a hug, to rest their head on their shoulders when they are watching TV. Any kind of physical touch is important to most men. And, unfortunately, as marriages get longer and more complicated, women can stop feeling the desire to touch their men or simply just forget to do so.

So, be aware of how often you touch your husband. Little touches throughout the day can go a long way towards making him feel loved and, maybe, even make you desire him more!

#3 – He needs to feel like he makes a difference in your life.

I always used to tell my ex-husband that he was rendering himself obsolete.

He wasn’t giving me the things that I needed. He couldn’t do things the way that I wanted him to. He couldn’t show up when I needed him. I didn’t trust him to always be honest with me. As a result, I put him on the sidelines. I embraced my friends as the people whom I needed in my life and relied on them and myself to get things done.

And this devastated my husband. I know that it did.

Yes, my husband wasn’t always as reliable as I would have liked him to be but when he was around he truly wanted to make a difference in my life. Whether it was doing chores or spending time with me or bringing me small gifts, he did things for me, things that he truly hoped that would make me happy. He knew that my life was difficult and he hoped that he could make a difference, in a positive way.

Unfortunately, by being passive aggressive and contemptuous, I definitely didn’t make my husband feel like he made a positive difference in my life. Instead, I made him feel like he was always in the way and that I would truly be better off without him around.

Eventually, he got the hint and he left.

#4 – He wants to make you laugh.

One of things that I hear most often from my male clients is that they wish that they could make their wives laugh. After all, when they were first together, he could make her laugh all the time. Not so much anymore and it makes him sad.

So let me ask you – do you find your husband funny but you don’t laugh the way you used to because you are usually distracted by something else? Or perhaps you smile but then move on? Or do you find your husband’s sense of humor incredibly frustrating, something not funny at all?

Either way, I am guessing that you aren’t laughing with your husband as much as you did when you were first together. If you still find him funny, then you are just used to his sense of humor and don’t react as vocally. If he drives you nuts, know that its often the thing that made you fall in love with someone (like how funny they are) is the thing that can ultimately drive you apart.

If you find your husband funny, let him know by laughing. Don’t fake it but make sure that if you find him amusing he knows it.

#5 – He wants you to watch the football game with him.

So your husband probably doesn’t actively want you to watch the football game with him but what he does want is for you to share in some of his interests.

I know that when we first met, I loved to help my husband work on his car. I was the person who gave him the tools he needed and whose small hands could fit into places his didn’t. I amused him with my observations. I would give him a kiss when he emerged from underneath the car.

Now that we are on year eight together, I don’t help my husband when he works on his car. I let him go out to the garage and I continue doing whatever I am doing. And while he hasn’t said anything, I am guessing that if I showed up in the garage to hang out and hold tools he would not be unhappy.

Are you involved with the things that your husband takes an interest in? Even if its just sitting on the couch a few hours a week to watch whatever sport is in season, having some interest in what he is passionate about is something that a husband really needs in a marriage!

Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage

 

#6 – He needs you to make him feel like a man.

I know, I know. In this day and age, why is it a woman’s job to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t that on him? Well let me ask you this – I am guessing that you do feel like a woman for most part but does the attention of your husband make you feel like more of one? And does it feel pretty good?

It is the same with a man. Men want to fee like men. They want to feel like they are needed because they are strong or tall. They want you to appreciate the results of the workouts they are so committed to. They want you to want them to take care of you. They want to feel like they are the focus of your attention, at least some of the time.

Again, I know that women feel like men can be babies and need to be flattered so that they can feel more manly but truly, if you can make him feel more like a man, at least some days, you would be absolutely making his day!

#7 – He needs to be given some benefit of the doubt.

Ok – I am definitely not telling you that you must put up with any lying or deception in your marriage. Absolutely not. What I am asking you to do is to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. To not immediately assume that he is trying to put something over on you when needs be.

After years of marriage’s let downs, it can sometimes be difficult to trust your person 100%. Therefore, when something is awry it’s hard not to go to that worst place.

For example, if your husband is late home from work again and he shows up with some seemingly lame excuse, try not to jump down his throat. What probably happened is that he lost track of time or got held back by a co-worker. What probably didn’t happen is him having dinner with another woman or looking at porn or whatever horrid thing that you could make up in your head.

Men are the kings of white lies. They lie to protect their women. They lie to keep themselves out of trouble. They lie by omission to not upset the apple cart. But, more often than not, your husband won’t maliciously lie to you – to try to pull one over on you in a harmful way.

So, I would encourage you to give the man who you are married to the benefit of the doubt, if warranted. Unless your gut instinct is that his lie is a big one, let those little fibs go. They aren’t worth the hassle.

#8 – He wants you to not take things personally.

This is a big one for everyone but particularly with women – we tend to take things that aren’t personal personally.

I have a client whose husband was supposed to stop on the way home from the office and check out some doors that they were going to install in their renovated house. He was distracted and he just forgot (which, of course, was unfortunate).

How did she react? “If you loved me, you would have remembered to stop at the store.”

The reality is is that her husband loves her very much; he just flaked this time around. He did not not look at doors because he doesn’t love her or because he wanted to upset her. He did it because he plain forgot.

So try not to see your husbands actions as a reflection of how much he loves you. That will only cause both of you more pain than necessary.

#9 – He needs you to understand that he can’t always give you what you need.

Modern perspectives on marriage often include the belief that spouses should give their partners everything that they need. They should be best friends and soulmates and be able to anticipate each other’s every desire.

Unfortunately, no one can be everything to any one person.

That being said, we all have women friends who come pretty close to giving us what we need. They are there for us when we need them. They never let us down. They are willing to listen and be empathetic. They anticipate our needs. All of these things that make us feel loved and respected.

Unfortunately, men aren’t so good at doing most of the things that your girlfriend can do for you. Of course, they want to be there when we need them and to never let us down but they aren’t always good at that. (And, to be fair, we probably have higher expectations of our husbands than we do of our girlfriends)

What they really aren’t great at doing is listening and being empathetic. Men like to fix – that is what they will do when faced with your emotions. And, unfortunately, they can really struggle with anticipating our needs. If they were in charge of the world, a woman would tell a man what she needs in the moment so that he can give it to her. Anticipating what she needs is harder for them.

Another thing that women do is they say “if it was me, I would do…” when it comes to their husband’s behaviors. To that I respond – “is your husband you?” The answer, of course, is no. No one is going to do things exactly how you would do them. No one. While your husband wants to make you happy, he most likely will do whatever needs to be done his way. And, just because you always call on the way home from work to see if he needs anything, that he doesn’t do it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he does things differently.

So, there you go – 9 things that your husband needs in marriage that might surprise you.

I am sure that many people will write me and tell me that I am silly, that women shouldn’t have to pander to their husbands to keep them happy. But these things are not pandering. These things are probably things that you did in the beginning of your marriage that have fallen to the wayside.

I am just here to remind you. So that you can work to keep your marriage strong.

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

/by


Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

/by


Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin