9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

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9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

Marriage is long and hard and, for many men, it is very different than what they thought it would be.

When we get married, we are feeling madly in love with our person and sure that we will live happily ever after. We feel seen, heard, respected and loved. And then marriage happens. Time goes on and people start taking each other for granted. Kids come along and they make being a couple more complicated. A thousand little cuts make the relationship seem like it is on shaky ground.

While both members of a marriage can feel disheartened by what has happened, men are particularly vulnerable. Women have friends to process things with. Men not so much. So its important that wives are aware of what their men need.

Here are 7 things that a husband needs in a marriage so that you can consider what you are giving your husband and what might be missing.

#1 – He needs to feel like you respect him.

First and foremost, your husband, and any person in the world, needs to feel respected.

Perhaps you are thinking “of course I respect him” but think about it. Do you really? And if you do, do you show him that you do?

I know that when I was married, I did not have a lot of respect for my ex-husband. Oh, I did in the beginning, but as time went on, that respect faded. The reasons why will surprise you.

Over the years my husband wasn’t great at doing what he said he was going to do. When he did do something, I gave him a hard time for doing it wrong (read: my way). I wasn’t, at times, happy with his parenting style. There were so many little things that just got on my nerves.

As a result, I lost respect for him. Even worse, I let him know that I had lost respect for him by treating him with contempt. I was passive aggressive and condescending and never made him feel welcomed.

It was not good for him, that I know.

I always encourage my clients to work hard to keep up the respect for their husbands. The key to that is clearly communicating what they need, putting issues to bed that arise and recognizing that we are all human beings just doing our best!

You can do it too!

#2 – He wants you to desire him.

This is an interesting one.

All women know that men want sex. They want sex as often as they can get it and can get grumpy when they don’t. What my male clients tell me that surprised me was that not only do they want sex but they want to be desired by their wives.

They want their wives to actively want to have sex with them. They want them to initiate it and enjoy it. They want need to know that their wives don’t treat having sex as another type of chore.

And this desire doesn’t just include sex. Men want to be touched. They want their wife to want to hold their hand, to give them a hug, to rest their head on their shoulders when they are watching TV. Any kind of physical touch is important to most men. And, unfortunately, as marriages get longer and more complicated, women can stop feeling the desire to touch their men or simply just forget to do so.

So, be aware of how often you touch your husband. Little touches throughout the day can go a long way towards making him feel loved and, maybe, even make you desire him more!

#3 – He needs to feel like he makes a difference in your life.

I always used to tell my ex-husband that he was rendering himself obsolete.

He wasn’t giving me the things that I needed. He couldn’t do things the way that I wanted him to. He couldn’t show up when I needed him. I didn’t trust him to always be honest with me. As a result, I put him on the sidelines. I embraced my friends as the people whom I needed in my life and relied on them and myself to get things done.

And this devastated my husband. I know that it did.

Yes, my husband wasn’t always as reliable as I would have liked him to be but when he was around he truly wanted to make a difference in my life. Whether it was doing chores or spending time with me or bringing me small gifts, he did things for me, things that he truly hoped that would make me happy. He knew that my life was difficult and he hoped that he could make a difference, in a positive way.

Unfortunately, by being passive aggressive and contemptuous, I definitely didn’t make my husband feel like he made a positive difference in my life. Instead, I made him feel like he was always in the way and that I would truly be better off without him around.

Eventually, he got the hint and he left.

#4 – He wants to make you laugh.

One of things that I hear most often from my male clients is that they wish that they could make their wives laugh. After all, when they were first together, he could make her laugh all the time. Not so much anymore and it makes him sad.

So let me ask you – do you find your husband funny but you don’t laugh the way you used to because you are usually distracted by something else? Or perhaps you smile but then move on? Or do you find your husband’s sense of humor incredibly frustrating, something not funny at all?

Either way, I am guessing that you aren’t laughing with your husband as much as you did when you were first together. If you still find him funny, then you are just used to his sense of humor and don’t react as vocally. If he drives you nuts, know that its often the thing that made you fall in love with someone (like how funny they are) is the thing that can ultimately drive you apart.

If you find your husband funny, let him know by laughing. Don’t fake it but make sure that if you find him amusing he knows it.

#5 – He wants you to watch the football game with him.

So your husband probably doesn’t actively want you to watch the football game with him but what he does want is for you to share in some of his interests.

I know that when we first met, I loved to help my husband work on his car. I was the person who gave him the tools he needed and whose small hands could fit into places his didn’t. I amused him with my observations. I would give him a kiss when he emerged from underneath the car.

Now that we are on year eight together, I don’t help my husband when he works on his car. I let him go out to the garage and I continue doing whatever I am doing. And while he hasn’t said anything, I am guessing that if I showed up in the garage to hang out and hold tools he would not be unhappy.

Are you involved with the things that your husband takes an interest in? Even if its just sitting on the couch a few hours a week to watch whatever sport is in season, having some interest in what he is passionate about is something that a husband really needs in a marriage!

Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage

 

#6 – He needs you to make him feel like a man.

I know, I know. In this day and age, why is it a woman’s job to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t that on him? Well let me ask you this – I am guessing that you do feel like a woman for most part but does the attention of your husband make you feel like more of one? And does it feel pretty good?

It is the same with a man. Men want to fee like men. They want to feel like they are needed because they are strong or tall. They want you to appreciate the results of the workouts they are so committed to. They want you to want them to take care of you. They want to feel like they are the focus of your attention, at least some of the time.

Again, I know that women feel like men can be babies and need to be flattered so that they can feel more manly but truly, if you can make him feel more like a man, at least some days, you would be absolutely making his day!

#7 – He needs to be given some benefit of the doubt.

Ok – I am definitely not telling you that you must put up with any lying or deception in your marriage. Absolutely not. What I am asking you to do is to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. To not immediately assume that he is trying to put something over on you when needs be.

After years of marriage’s let downs, it can sometimes be difficult to trust your person 100%. Therefore, when something is awry it’s hard not to go to that worst place.

For example, if your husband is late home from work again and he shows up with some seemingly lame excuse, try not to jump down his throat. What probably happened is that he lost track of time or got held back by a co-worker. What probably didn’t happen is him having dinner with another woman or looking at porn or whatever horrid thing that you could make up in your head.

Men are the kings of white lies. They lie to protect their women. They lie to keep themselves out of trouble. They lie by omission to not upset the apple cart. But, more often than not, your husband won’t maliciously lie to you – to try to pull one over on you in a harmful way.

So, I would encourage you to give the man who you are married to the benefit of the doubt, if warranted. Unless your gut instinct is that his lie is a big one, let those little fibs go. They aren’t worth the hassle.

#8 – He wants you to not take things personally.

This is a big one for everyone but particularly with women – we tend to take things that aren’t personal personally.

I have a client whose husband was supposed to stop on the way home from the office and check out some doors that they were going to install in their renovated house. He was distracted and he just forgot (which, of course, was unfortunate).

How did she react? “If you loved me, you would have remembered to stop at the store.”

The reality is is that her husband loves her very much; he just flaked this time around. He did not not look at doors because he doesn’t love her or because he wanted to upset her. He did it because he plain forgot.

So try not to see your husbands actions as a reflection of how much he loves you. That will only cause both of you more pain than necessary.

#9 – He needs you to understand that he can’t always give you what you need.

Modern perspectives on marriage often include the belief that spouses should give their partners everything that they need. They should be best friends and soulmates and be able to anticipate each other’s every desire.

Unfortunately, no one can be everything to any one person.

That being said, we all have women friends who come pretty close to giving us what we need. They are there for us when we need them. They never let us down. They are willing to listen and be empathetic. They anticipate our needs. All of these things that make us feel loved and respected.

Unfortunately, men aren’t so good at doing most of the things that your girlfriend can do for you. Of course, they want to be there when we need them and to never let us down but they aren’t always good at that. (And, to be fair, we probably have higher expectations of our husbands than we do of our girlfriends)

What they really aren’t great at doing is listening and being empathetic. Men like to fix – that is what they will do when faced with your emotions. And, unfortunately, they can really struggle with anticipating our needs. If they were in charge of the world, a woman would tell a man what she needs in the moment so that he can give it to her. Anticipating what she needs is harder for them.

Another thing that women do is they say “if it was me, I would do…” when it comes to their husband’s behaviors. To that I respond – “is your husband you?” The answer, of course, is no. No one is going to do things exactly how you would do them. No one. While your husband wants to make you happy, he most likely will do whatever needs to be done his way. And, just because you always call on the way home from work to see if he needs anything, that he doesn’t do it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he does things differently.

So, there you go – 9 things that your husband needs in marriage that might surprise you.

I am sure that many people will write me and tell me that I am silly, that women shouldn’t have to pander to their husbands to keep them happy. But these things are not pandering. These things are probably things that you did in the beginning of your marriage that have fallen to the wayside.

I am just here to remind you. So that you can work to keep your marriage strong.

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

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Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How to Stop Unmet Expectations from Ruining Your Relationship

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Are you wondering how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship? Do you find yourself constantly disappointed with your partner and thinking about ending it?

Did you know that it ‘ s only since the Victorian era that relationships were meant to be what they are today – a partnership based on love, fidelity, friendship and laughter?

Before the Victorian era, relationships were business based, often set up by parents in the attempt to form allegiances farms or countries. There was no pressure to love forever or be your partner ‘ s best friend. And fidelity was rarely even discussed.

Today, the idea of a relationship has evolved, in most part due to movies and reality TV, into something that is supposed to define us and be the focal point of our lives.

And, often times, as seen by the high divorce rate and the transitory nature of relationships outside of marriage, this ideal of a relationship is not sustainable. Our expectations of our marriage are such that, if they are not met, the relationship will be damaged, perhaps irreversibly.

There are ways to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship. Here are a few.

#1 – Identify your own.

One way to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is questioning your own.

What do you think you need from your partner? Do you need him to give up his friends and hobbies for you? Do you expect to have sex every night? Do you want her to keep the house spotlessly clean, like your mother did? Do you expect him to anticipate your every need?

Expectations like these are exactly the things that can kill a relationship. I would encourage you to think about what you want from your partner so that it ‘ s clear in your mind. I also want you to consider if your expectations are reasonable.

If your expectations aren ‘ t reasonable your relationship might be dead upon arrival. If you don ‘ t know what your expectations are, your partner will have a hard time reaching them because you might always be moving the goal post.

So, before unmet expectations destroy your relationship, make sure you know what yours are.

#2 – Set boundaries.

I always encourage new couples to set boundaries in their relationships as soon as possible

To understand healthy relationship boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors.

A few examples:

*Make sure you stay yourself

*Allow yourselves time apart

*Communication is important

*Mutual respect at all times

*Keep the power dynamic equal

*Making time for both sides of the family

*Respecting others friends and hobbies

Of course, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but it is important that every couple establish some boundaries early and stick to them. For the sake of their relationship.

#3 – Be truthful.

It is essential that, if your expectations aren ‘ t being met, you discuss this with your partner.

One of the most common complaints that I hear from women is ‘ ˜he should know what I need. I shouldn ‘ t have to tell him. ‘ And this, I am afraid, is mostly impossible.

Men would love to be able to anticipate and meet our needs but many of them just don ‘ t always have it in them. This is not some deficiency of character but based on the fact that men have no idea how women think and why. It ‘ s a mystery to them so expecting them to be able to do so will set you up for disaster.

If your person isn ‘ t meeting your expectations, tell them. Not in the heat of the moment when you are angry and yelling but at an opportune time when you can discuss it calmly.

Discussing your expectations will allow the two of you to figure out if the expectations are reasonable and, if not, how you can compromise around something that would work for both of you.

If you don ‘ t, if you sit and simmer about your needs not being met, your relationship will not stay healthy.

#4 – Don ‘ t let others influence you.

How many times has your friend said ‘ ˜If he loved you, he would do this things ‘ . How many times has your mother said ‘ ˜She really should keep the keep the kitchen cleaner. ‘ How many times have you gotten resentful that your partner isn ‘ t reaching some expectation set by someone outside of the relationship?

It is important that you recognize that your relationship is just that, your relationship.

My mother in law used to remind me that my ex was really good at cleaning the house when he was a teenager. I appreciated that but, in our marriage, him helping with the house cleaning wasn ‘ t something that we had agreed on. It was important that I remembered that when discussing house cleaning with her.

So, make sure that your expectations are based on what you and you partner want, not what others want.

#5 – Remember that no relationship is perfect.

Last night I was watching The Bachelor (yes, I have watched every episode of the bachelor since 2002) and I listened to him talk about the perfect relationship that he wanted to come from his journey. The bachelorettes sang the same tune – they were there to find their best friend, someone who would always be there in their time of need.

While those sentiments are wonderful, they just are unrealistic. No one can be all things to one person all of the time.

When we enter into relationships expecting perfection, we will only be disappointed. Knowing that your relationship will not be the be all and end all, that you will need to find some things outside the relationship and that you won ‘ t blend into one person, will help set you up to not be disappointed and keep your relationship on a forward track to happiness.

Learning how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is not difficult to do.

If you are feeling dissatisfied in your relationship take a good hard look at your expectations. Do you have expectations that aren ‘ t being met and is that is why you are losing that loving feeling?

If yes, take a good hard look at your expectations and define if they are reasonable. Have your partner do the same. Afterwards, discuss them with your partner so that you guys can agree on what you both want and need. Don ‘ t listen to others and know that every relationship isn ‘ t what you read about in fairy tales.

If you can do these things, your chances of living happily ever after will be greatly improved.

You can do it! Start now ‘ ¦

Are your unmet expectations ruining your relationship?
Let me help, NOW, and before it’s too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

How To Speak Up For Yourself and Get What You Want

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Are you wondering how to speak up for yourself and get what you want? I get it. Asking for what you want is incredibly difficult, especially for women.

Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

As a result, I am really questioning whether I should even bring it up at all or I should let my issue go, no matter how unhappy I am.

The life coach in me knows that while my hesitations and fears are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one where I can stand up for myself and be more assertive so that I can be happy

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is productive and allows us both to walk away happy?

#1 – I won ‘ t assume anything.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like, I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, some involve tears.

The worse scenarios are what I am most focused on, the things that I fear the most. That he will hate me or break up with me and be upset with me.

And they are all that I can think about. Almost more even than the content of the talk. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I know that I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome by thinking about it ahead of time.

#2 – I will choose the right time and place.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have difficult conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy and then we will begin. Softly.

By choosing a good time and place to talk, I am setting myself up to be more confident in what I want because I know that I will be more comfortable in the situation and more able to speak my truth.

#3 – I will not attack.

My goal in this conversation is to have an effective, difficult talk. One that lands on it’s mark, allows me to be assertive and has a satisfactory end result. To do this, it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will tell him that I have a feeling that he is struggling and that I would like to support him in any way.

What I will not say is ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘

I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

By talking about how you feel, vs how he is behaving, you can not only be clearer in your discussion, because really the only accurate perspective that you have is yours, and also you will prevent a quarrel because he can ‘ t push back against your feelings in a way that he could push back against your accusations.

So talk about how you feel, not about the things he does. It will be way more effective. I promise!

#4 – I will listen.

This is so important. You need to be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person with whom you are talking. Not only could you get some valuable information but, by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek, namely sticking up for yourself successfully.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

And if your person gets angry and storms off you are way more likely to capitulate and not speak up for yourself, to be less assertive and end up unhappy. Again.

#5 – I will feel confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider ‘ what is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

You will be especially ok if you speak up for what you want and need. Imagine how that would feel, knowing that you have been heard, as opposed to how it would feel, walking away, feeling like you let yourself down again.

It is an excellent skill to have – to speak up for yourself and get what you want.

Asking for what you want can be difficult but doing so is necessary.

Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes I have my list of things I want to address and am going to do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that, really, everything is going to be okay. If I can speak up for myself, be more assertive, that, ultimately, I will be happier. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

I can do this. And you can too!

Are you really wondering how to speak up for yourself and get what you want?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do it so you can move forward!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

Why Are Boundaries Important In Marriage?

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Are you newly married and are you wondering why are boundaries important in marriage?

Do you have no idea what marriage boundaries are or where to start?

Fortunately, I have helped many couples establish and stick to boundaries in their marriage. Let me help you!

To understand healthymarriage boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy marriage boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors. Really, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them. But there are a few boundaries that are essential for every healthy marriage.

#1 – Be yourself always.

For many people, when they are married, they become less of themselves.

Many people, men and women take on their spouse ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all peoplestay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your marriage will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So be yourself in your relationship. Ahealthy marriagerequires it.

#2 – Let go of rigidity and be flexible.

I have a client whose new husband moved into a house that she already owned. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy marriage.

So, embrace flexibility. Choose the things that are important to you and stay true to them but be willing to see what might be important to your man and work with him so that you both can live a life that makes you happy. Together and apart.

#3 – Maintain mutual respect.

One of the biggest romance killers in a marriage is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many marriages over the years.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ tcommunicatingand giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Keep the power dynamic even.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when power dynamics are unequal, a marriage can change.

Make an effort to keep the decision making even in your marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your marriage ‘ s playing field become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#5 – Know that time apart is okay.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

Wondering why are boundaries important in marriage is an excellent way to ensure that you have a good strong relationship that will last forever.

Marriages are built from two people who have two separate lives and two separate ways of living. It is important that the couple build a new life together. A new life with four walls that will keep it safe and strong.

So, don ‘ t let one of you be in charge, respect each other, like yourself, spend time apart and be flexible.

Talk to your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your marriage to be a healthy one.

You can do it!

Are you struggling with setting boundaries in your marriage?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before problems start!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

How To Know If Surviving Infidelity Without Counseling Is Possible For You

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Have you discovered that your partner has been cheating? Do you hope nonetheless for a reconciliation? Are you wondering if surviving infidelity without counseling is possible?

The betrayal of a loved one can be devastating but it doesn ‘ t have to be the end of a relationship or the death of your happy life. There are ways to deal with it and survive it without counseling but it will take a lot of presence of mind, life skills and determination.

Let me walk you through how surviving infidelity without counseling is possible.

#1 – Is the other person completely out of the picture.

A very important piece of surviving infidelity and keeping your relationship intact is whether or not the other person is completely out of the picture.

Working on a marriage when the other person is still around is literally impossible. Your partner and their lover are connected in a deep way. If you have been told that they are ‘ ˜now just friends ‘ or they don ‘ t ‘ ˜see ‘ each other anymore but still talk, then that person is NOT out of the picture.

If the other person isn ‘ t out of the picture you and your partner will fail in any attempts to regain loving feelings about each other because you will always be suspicious and feel less loved and your partner will stay emotionally connected to the person who was their lover.

So, the first step in all of this is ensuring the other person is gone. Only once that is the case can you proceed to the next steps.

#2 – Do you genuinely want it to work?

Your partner has done the unimaginable – they have fooled around on you. They have betrayed the commitment you have made to each other. They have broken your heart.

So, let me ask you this – do you still want to be in a relationship with this person?

This is a key part of surviving infidelity without counseling. If you aren ‘ t determined to make this work, if every fiber of your being knows that, if possible, you would like to get your relationship back, then any efforts to save it will be futile.

Being determined doesn ‘ t guarantee success but, without out it, you are doomed to failure.

#3 – Can you still communicate with each other?

If you and you partner are still able to communicate with each other then surviving infidelity without counseling is definitely possible.

Communication is the most important tool for fixing what is broken. You will need to communicate how you are feeling and your partner will need to communicate how they got to the place where infidelity was even an option.

You will need to work together to identify issues in your relationship and make a concrete plan to work on those issues together.You will need to understand each other ‘ s wants and needs and be committed to making change.

The only way to do that effectively is by being able to communicate clearly with each other – to speak and listen and make sure each other are heard and understood.

#4 – Can you let go of the anger?

Your partner has fooled around on you and of course you are ANGRY. Who wouldn ‘ t be? But can you let go of it and move on?

If you are holding onto anger, anger at yourself for your naiveté, anger at your partner for their wandering hands, then working on surviving infidelity without counseling will be impossible. Your anger will interfere with your communication, your anger will interfere with wanting to make things work, your anger will cloud your emotions so that you can ‘ t think clearly.

If you are still angry with your partner, and the situation, take some time to work through that anger and let it go. Once you have been able to let it go then you will be able to start working with your partner to get through the mess.

I know letting go of anger is easier said than done but it is possible!

#5 – Can you forgive?

This final piece is really important – can you forgive your partner?

Forgiveness is a key part of surviving infidelity. Again, you have been betrayed. Do you have the ability to accept and understand the where and why it happened and not hold it over your partner’s head going forward?

It is possible to forgive even if it ‘ s not possible to forget. It might take some time to get there but if you can do so then you have a real chance at saving your relationship and living the rest of your lives together happily.

So, take some time. Do some reading about forgiveness, what it means and how to get there. See if you can forgive your partner and move on.

Surviving infidelity without counseling might seem impossible. But it isn ‘ t.

Every day, many couples come back from the betrayal of infidelity and live happy lives together.

If the other person is out of the picture, if you can still communicate, if you have determination, if you aren ‘ t stuck in anger and can forgive, then you have a good chance of being able to get past this and move on.

Of course, if you try to work on your relationship without counseling and fail, it is still possible to take that next step and get some professional help to get you through it. Therapists and life coaches are trained in helping people move past difficult situations and sometimes expert help is just what you need to take that next step.

Good luck with this next period in your life. You can do it!!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with surviving infidelity.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before you lose your relationship.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways Relationship Boundaries And Expectations Can Hurt Your Relationship

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Relationship boundaries and expectations are often talked about as the key to successful relationships. What isn ‘ t often addressed is that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship also.

Good relationship boundaries include the following: spending time apart, neither one of you being in charge, being flexible, displaying respect for each other, and staying yourself in the relationship. All of these sound great, right?

So, how is that possible? That something meant to make a relationship strong can also serve to weaken it?

Let me tell you ‘ ¦

#1 – You don ‘ t communicate clearly.

Relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship if they aren ‘ t communicated clearly to each other.

Imagine that for you to be happy in a relationship you need to spend time alone but you don ‘ t tell your partner that it ‘ s important for you. That spending time alone only enhances your feelings for your partner and improves your relationship.

Imagine how your need to be alone might make your partner feel? Perhaps your partner thinks that your need to be alone is a negative reflection of how you feel about them. Perhaps when you are off alone your partner is worried and miserable.

Can you see how that might not be so great for your relationship?

So, make sure that you and your partner set boundaries and expectations together and that you both understand clearly what they are.

#2 – Your expectations don ‘ t match.

Another way that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship is if your boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match.

Let ‘ s say that you both know how important it is for you to remain yourself in a relationship. That if you aren ‘ t yourself you just don ‘ t feel happy, alone or together. But what if your partner believes that individuals in couples should work hard to change for the other person. That the individual no longer matters, only the couple.

If relationship boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match in a relationship, the relationship will be doomed unless both parties are willing to work together to make things work both of them.

#3 – Spending time apart doesn ‘ t work for everyone.

Spending time alone in relationship is a very important part of it being healthy. Couples who can enjoy time apart are usually very happy to come back together.

This is not always the case for some couples. Some individuals really struggle when they can ‘ t be with their partner. They are happy that their partner is doing his own thing but they are paralyzed by missing him. They do not take the opportunity to get out and do their own thing but instead sit at home, sad and growing resentful.

So, if one person can ‘ t handle the being alone part it can be very damaging to a relationship. If that occurs, work together to figure out a way for you to spend time on your own in a way that won ‘ t hurt your partner. Maybe do it around times when they already have plans. Or when they are away for work.

Spending time alone is important. Try hard to make it happen.

#4 – No one is in charge.

Making sure that no one person is in charge of a relationship is a key relationship boundary that keeps relationships happy. But it can also be fraught with issues.

When no one is captain of the ship it is possible for the ship to founder. If crew members are left on their own to make decisions independently, without taking into account the other crew members, disaster can happen.

The same can happen with relationships. When no one takes the lead in any one area, such as planning social events or doing work on the house, then, more likely than not, nothing will happen. And, when nothing happens, a relationship can get stagnant and stale pretty quickly.

So, divide and conquer. If something has to happen put one person in charge of taking the lead. It doesn ‘ t have to apply to everything, just the one event that is being addressed.

Don ‘ t let lack of leadership be a bad thing in your relationship.

#5 – You are your own person at the expense of the relationship.

Yes, being your own person in a relationship is very important. No one can be happy if they aren ‘ t being who they truly are.

Unfortunately, the need to be your own person can interfere with the health of a relationship.

In my marriage we had a struggle with this issue. I was the kind of person who was always polite and kind but also insisted on speaking my truth about what I wanted and confronting issues up front.

My ex, and his family, definitely didn ‘ t prescribe to my philosophy. They believed in fitting in with a crowd, going along with what the group wanted to do. They never addressed issues head on but rather said nothing, hoping it would all go away.

The struggle between me needing to be me and the needs of my ex-husband and his family was a profound one that ultimately led to the end of our marriage, I believe.

So, work hard to stay true to yourself in relationship but make sure that if it brings up any issues you are ready to face them head on with your partner before they ruin your relationship.

Good for you for wanting to keep your relationship healthy and doing the research, reading about boundaries and deciding how to apply them to your behaviors and your relationship. That is great work and should be applauded.

BUT, remember, if you don ‘ t share what you learned with your partner and tell them how you are going to apply them to your actions in relationship then you are doomed from the start.

Your partner might not understand why your behaviors are different or that they don ‘ t line up with his. Why is flexibility and respect so important to you? Why are you leaving him alone and insisting on being yourself? And if he doesn ‘ t understand that can definitely hurt a relationship.

So, set healthy relationship boundaries and expectations together and continually work to make sure they are helping your relationship and not hurting them!

Are you struggling with relationship boundaries and expectations?
They can be challenging. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

What Are Relationship Boundaries And When Are They Appropriate?

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Have you been told that relationship boundaries are important? Do you wonder exactly what ARE relationship boundaries?

Are you eager to implement some but do you have no idea where to start?

Let me help!

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe.

It ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but there are a few boundaries that are essential for every healthy relationship.

#1 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So, make an effort to keep the decision-making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your relationship become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#2 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

Examples of acting with contempt are rolling your eyes when your partner says something, criticizing their clothing, belittling their expressions. Does any of that sound familiar to you? Are you guilty of doing this at times? DON ‘ T. Contempt will kill a relationship faster than almost anything else.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ tcommunicatingand giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#3 – Don ‘ t lose yourselves.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all womenstay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and, if you are anything other than your true self, your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So, be yourself in your relationship. Ahealthy relationshiprequires it.

#4 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#5 – Be flexible.

I have a client who recently bought a house for herself and her boyfriend moved in with her. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy relationship.

So, embrace flexibility. Choose the things that are important to you and stay true to them but be willing to see what might be important to your man and work with him so that you both can live a life that makes you happy. Together and apart.

Examining what are healthy relationship boundaries is an excellent way to ensure that you have a good strong relationship that will last forever.

Relationships are built from two people who have two separate lives and two separate ways of living. It is important that the couple build a new life together. A new life with four walls that will keep it safe and strong.

So, don ‘ t let one of you be in charge, respect each other, like yourself, spend time apart and be flexible.

Talk to your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your relationship to be a healthy one.

You can do it!

Are you struggling with establishing boundaries in your relationship?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

How to Know if You are in a Healthy Relationship That Will Last Forever

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Are you wondering how to know if you are in a healthy relationship? Do you want to know what healthy relationships look like so that you can compare yours and see if anything is missing? Do you want to live happily ever after?

Let me help!

There ARE ways to know if you are in a healthy relationship. Read on to learn how.

#1 – Is communication easy?

Being able to talk about anything is the key to a healthy relationship.

Can you tell yourpartner when you don ‘ t like something that he does? Or that seeing his mother EVERY Sunday is more than you would like? Or that you really don ‘ t like extra sausage on your pizza? Or that that thing he likes to do in bed is just a little bit much for you?

Without honest communication, a relationship just cannot be healthy. Truth is the basis of any strong relationship that will last and if you can ‘ t tell your partner what you need, or be receptive to what he does, then your relationship is doomed

So, work hard to be honest with your partner about everything in your life so that your relationship can stay healthy.

#2 – Is the sex fun?

Having a healthysex life is an important part of every healthy relationship.

The thing about sex is that, because you are only having sex with one person, your relationship to that person is different from your relationship with every other person in your world. Your relationship is special because of the unique bond that is created by sex.

So, if your sex life is something that you just put up with, don ‘ t really enjoy, or even dread, then it ‘ s time to act. Think about what is lacking, what could be done differently, what exactly you need to get the zip back. Because without it, your relationship might be in trouble.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and figure out, together, how to make things work for both of you.

#3 – Are times with family and friends easy?

Having a good connection with your significant other ‘ s friends andfamily is another really important part of a healthy relationship.

Do you enjoy the weekly meals with his family? The dinners out with his friends and their spouses? Cheering for his softball team every Thursday night?

Like it or not, when someone becomes part of a couple, their partner ‘ s previous relationships come along too. And if you don ‘ t get along with his friends and family it can cause a huge rift. He will want to spend time with all of you and if he is forced to choose he will resent it.

So, check in to see if you are both on board with liking each other ‘ s friends. It ‘ s important that you do. If you don ‘ t, see if there are ways that you can work together to improve those relationships so that they don ‘ t tear you and your loved one apart.

#4 – Is there respect not contempt?

Of course, it ‘ s important to like and love the person with whom you are in a relationship. What is even more important is that you respect them.

When we first enter into a relationship, we think the person we are with is amazing. Everything that they say or do is just fine. But the longer a relationship continues, the more we get to know our partner. And with familiarity comes contempt.

Do you like the way your partner interacts with people? Do you respect the work that he does? Are you happy with the way he parents your kids?

If yes, yay! Make sure you tell him regularly. People like being told they are doing a good job.

However, if you are in a relationship with someone who you can ‘ t respect, for whatever reason, who you regularly are critical of and treat with contempt, then you are in a relationship that won ‘ t last.

Respecting the person you are with, respecting the choices that they make, the values they uphold, the way they are in the world, is an essential part of being happy together.

#5 – Is there lots of laughter?

Laughter is the number one aphrodisiac that I know of. People who can laugh together, often, will stay more attached, emotionally and physically, then those who don ‘ t.

Do you and your partner laugh together and have fun together. Do you laugh often, even in times of stress? Do you like to do the same things? The things that make you both happy? Do you have inside jokes that only you share?

Make sure that you and your partner enjoy life together. You will be glad you did!

#6 – Do you want to spend time together?

This is a big one. Do you and your partner actually make an effort to spend time together? Or do you make excuses to not have to do so?

A client of mine would come up with every excuse in the world to not spend time with her husband. Once a week, and some weekends, she left her husband at home with the kids and went out and did other things. She tried to come home after he went to bed so that she didn ‘ t have to deal with him. She was happier being away from him than with him.

Guess what happened! She and her husband become profoundly disconnected and he started spending more time with a female co-worker who DID want to spend time with him. That didn ‘ t end well.

If you don ‘ t want to spend time with your partner then your relationship is not healthy. Talk to your husband and try to figure out what you can do to get more connected.

#7 – Do you feel good about yourself?

Feeling good about yourself is key to a healthy relationship.

If you feel good about who you are in the world, if you don ‘ t feel like you need someone to ‘ ˜complete you, ‘ if you know that you will be just fine alone, then you are in a place to have a healthy relationship.

People who are needy or clingy or fraught with insecurities do not make good partners.

Sotake care of yourself and be all that you can be so that you can be a positively contributing half of a healthy relationship.

#8- Do you have dreams for the future?

People in healthy relationships share their plans for the future.

They think about tomorrow, next week, next month and even next year.

They do so because they are invested in being together and part of being together is making plans for the future.

If either one of you isn ‘ t interested in talking about the future then you are not in a relationship that has one.

Knowing how to tell if you are in a healthy relationship is a key part of having one.

Relationships are difficult and if you just let them sail along without paying any attention then they might very well founder. So good for you for paying attention!

Keep this checklist close and review it regularly. If you see anything amiss make an effort to fix it as soon as possible. Relationships can be irreparably damaged if they aren ‘ t managed with care.

You can do this! It will be worth it.

Would you like to keep your relationship healthy?
Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

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