5 Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship When Feeling Depressed

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Is it hard to have a healthy relationship when feeling depressed?

Absolutely yes!

I know because I have been there…

I have struggled with depression for my whole life. 52 years. For a long time I didn ‘ t have a name for why I always felt so hopeless and full of despair. I just lived with it.

And then I got married. And he had to live with it too. It was not fun.

Being in a relationship when you are depressedcan be very difficult but I am here to tell you that relationships don ‘ t have to self-destruct because of it.

What can you do?

#1 – Recognize when you are depressed.

Those of us wholive with depression can usually tell when it hits. Simple tasks that just the day before were easy to do become difficult. Sleep is elusive. We are short tempered and crabby. Each of us manifests depression differently but usually we know when we are experiencing it.

Keeping in touch with your depression and sharing its presence with your partner is very important. Don ‘ t just expect your partner to guess that you are depressed. They might not recognize the signs and might not respond to your new mood and that could lead to some big problems between the two of you.

When I was married, I didn ‘ t tell my husband when I felt depressed. I was crabby and mean and not fun to be around. And I expected him to fight through all of that and make an effort to make me feel better. Of course, he didn ‘ t. He thought I was just being mean and crabby and so he wanted nothing to do with me. If only I had told him what was going on. Perhaps he would have had some sympathy and given me what I needed.

So, when depression hits, be clear about it. You and your partner have a bit of a battle ahead. Together.

#2 – Talk to your partner about what depression is like.

Even the most sympathetic of partners doesn ‘ t really understand what depression is like unless they suffer from it themselves. Because of this, it ‘ s important to try to teach them what depression looks like for you.

When we talked, my message for my husband was 1) you haven ‘ t caused this and 2) you can ‘ t fix it and 3) I can ‘ t just suck it up and feel better. For me it was essential that he knew these three things to be true.

Next, I explained to him what my depression looked like. That when I was depressed I felt like I had a gorilla on my back. Moving around, getting things done, communicating effectively, all required such a herculean effort that I could barely manage. When I was depressed I was exhausted, easily angered, prone to long bouts of crying. Going to work, seeing his family, taking care of myself, all filled me with such an overwhelming sense of dread that I couldn ‘ t bear it.

So, when you ARE NOT depressed, take some time and share your experience with your partner. The better understanding they have of your depression the better they will be able to deal with and cope with it.

#3 – Plan ahead for what to do when depression hits.

A key part of dealing with depression for me, and for my husband, was that I was able to, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I needed when I was depressed. I knew from experience what I needed to get through my depression. Sharing it with my partner was key.

For me, when I get depressed I need four things: to get outside, to sleep, Pad Thai and sex. I knew that those things would not cure my depression but that they made living with it easier.

So, when I WAS NOT depressed, my husband and I made a plan for what to do when I was. We would let me sleep in, go for a hike, get Pad Thai, have sex and send me back to sleep. We would do that, or some variation of that, to stay connected while I was depressed and help me get through it.

What we also agreed was that he wouldn ‘ t try to fix it. Many people want to fix things. You can ‘ t fix depression. Accepting that was a great way for my husband to manage when I was depressed because he wasn ‘ t constantly frustrated, searching for ways to help me.

#4 – Don ‘ t make your partner suffer.

So, you have talked to your partner about your depression and made a plan for what you need when you are in it. Both of those things are great. Proactive. Good for you.

Sometimes, however, those things just don ‘ t work and you are miserable. You are short tempered and difficult and not fun to be with.

At times like that, let your partner go. Let them go about their day, guilt free. The last thing in the world you want to do is tether someone you love to your depression.

Encourage your partner to go do something they love instead of hang around being miserable with you. If you let them do this they will come home refreshed and better able to support you. And they might even bring you some Pad Thai.

#5 – Agree to seek help.

One of the hardest things for someone who loves someone with depression is their sense of helplessness. They know that there is nothing that they can do to help their partner get out of this dark place. And that sense of helplessness can tear relationships apart.

What can you do? You can agree to seek help dealing with your depression. That help can be what you want it to be: medication, yoga, therapy. Whatever works for you.

It is important, for both of you in the relationship, to know that the depression isn ‘ t something that will be ignored but that needs to be addressed head on. That it is something that you can both learn to deal with and take on together. As a couple.

Get some help. Both for you and for the one you love.

It can be difficult to have a healthy relationship when you ‘ re depressed.

Depression can have a devastating effect on relationships. It doesn ‘ t have to be a death knell, however. Somerelationships can actually thrive when couples tackle depression together.

Share with your partner what your depression looks like, allow them to fully understand it and share with you the tools you have in place to manage it. Give them the freedom to escape from it for a bit if necessary. But be in it together.

Because if together you can manage depression then there is nothing else that you can ‘ t take on. Together.

You can do this!

Are you struggling with depression and keeping your relationship strong?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Reasons Career Success Begins With Communication Skills

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Is career success incredibly important to you? Do you want to learn what skills are necessary to have the most success in your chosen field?

Well, let me tell you. The MOST important skill for career success is COMMUNICATION.

It is true!

Career coaches believe that career success begins withcommunication skills, the ability to write and speak in a way that is clear, concise, easily understood and honest.

How will great communication skills allow you to achieve the success you desire?

#1 – Finding a job will be easier.

The first step in achieving career success is finding a job! And having excellent communication skills makes finding a job much easier.

Networking is a big part of looking for a job and if you are the kind of person who can put themselves out there, who can talk to people, listen, share and connect then you will be the kind of person someone would want to hire and the kind of person someone would recommend for a job.

Your resume is a very important piece of the job application process and without an exceptional, well written, well thought out resume you will not come across on paper as a superior candidate. Even someone with a shortage of skill sets can use words to enhance their job experience description, making a potential employer more likely to grant them an interview.

And then there is the interview – the most important part of the job search experience. Once you get in the door this is your chance to shine, to show them who you are. And unless you can look them in the eye, express yourself well, be interesting and funny and smart, then you may as well not even bother.

The ability to connect with people, both in writing and in spoken word, is an essential part of the getting the job you want.

#2 – Your co-workers will trust you.

Once you have that job, it ‘ s essential that you not rest on your laurels. Your work is important but what is a key part of career success is your relationship with your co-workers.

Think about that person who comes into work, goes right to their desk without speaking to anyone, who is disruptive in meetings and crabby about their work? Is that the kind of person who inspires confidence in others? Is that the kind of person you would want to have on your team?

So, make a huge effort to be personable in your office space. Be kind to your co-workers, listen to what they have to say, take interest in their families and ask them questions about their ideas.

Treat your co-workers the way you would want to be treated and earn their trust and respect. It will get you far.

#3 – Your great ideas will get out there.

Ok, let ‘ s say that you have a great idea. A revolutionary idea that could change the way that your company works. One that, if implemented correctly, could mean that your career would skyrocket.

Imagine if this great idea is stuck in your head, waiting to be expressed, but that you just can ‘ t get it down on paper. You try to write a proposal to your boss and you can ‘ t articulate it clearly and he refuses to consider it. Or you approach a co-worker for their support and the way you phrase things confuses them and they refuse to help.

If you have excellent verbal and written skills you will have a great tool in hand to forward your ideas and achieve great career success.

#4 – You will advocate for yourself.

So. let ‘ s say that you have been working your butt off. Your co-workers love and trust you and your ideas are changing the corporate culture. You know that you deserve a raise. But you don ‘ t know how to ask for one.

Or perhaps let ‘ s say you are struggling with a co-worker and you want your manager to help you work through it because you know that if the matter can be resolved it would be better for everybody. But you have no idea how to talk to you manager in such a way that will let her see that you want to make things better.

People who have excellent communication skills know how to speak up for themselves. They know how to resolve conflict, how to let others know what they are worth and how to make sure that they get the recognition that they deserve.

Every well-spoken woman who I know who has walked into her boss ‘ office with a well thought out rationale for why they deserve a raise has gotten one. Because she asked for it!

#5 – You will zoom up the corporate ladder.

People who have excellent communication skills have a huge advantage over people who do not.

In my first management position the time came for us to write our direct reports ‘ yearly reviews. We all labored over them for hours, knowing that our boss would review them before passing them up to HR.

I was nervous because this was my first time round but I needn ‘ t have been. My boss told me that my written skills were incredibly impressive and that, really, he needed to me to change very little. That what I had written was good enough to be sent up to HR as is. And then he asked me if I would work with another manager to help them phrase things more clearly.

By the end of that season, when my boss moved upward, I followed, into his old job. It was, in large part, due to the fact that I could express myself clearly, both in written and spoken word, and everyone noticed.

Finding success in our chosen career is the goal.

For me, every day I have to use my verbal skills to speak with my clients and my written words to follow up with inspirational emails and to write blogs that people will want to read and learn from.

I know many coaches who struggle with both of these things and I know that I am successful, in large part, to having those strengths.

So, if you aren ‘ t sure about your communication skills, find someone who can help you develop them. A life coach is a great place to start. You could also enroll in writing courses at the local community college. Or take part in Toastmasters to learn about public speaking.

Reaching for the stars in your career is admirable. Make sure that you have the tools that you need to get you there and get you there fast.

You can do it!

How To Have Career Success Without A Real Job

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Are you wondering if it ‘ s possible to have career success without a real job?

Do you not want to be tied down to a 9-5 job? Would you like to do things the way that you want to do them so that you can live the life that you want to live?

I can tell you that it IS POSSIBLE.

I don ‘ t have a traditional real job. I work from home, have a flexible schedule, attend no meetings and report to no one except for myself. I don ‘ t make a ton of money but I make enough money for now.

Do I define myself as having ‘ ˜career success ‘ ? Yes I do. And I love it!

So, if you are looking to have career success without a real job it is possible but there are some things you have to consider in order to get it.

#1 – Identify what ‘ ˜career success ‘ means to you.

There is simply no way to achieve career success if you don ‘ t know what career success means to you.

For me, career success is defined by having a solid client base and that my clients reach their dreams. It ‘ s having a flexible schedule. It means by getting my blogs published and syndicated. It ‘ s about making enough money to live the simple life that I live and being able to help my kids.

What does career success mean for you?

Does it mean going into an office every day and begin part of a team and receiving recognition? Does it mean that you make a lot of money? Does it involve helping people? Does it give you a flexible schedule? Does it mean that other people perceive you as successful?

Defining what career success means to you is an essential part of achieving it because you can never do so if you don ‘ t know what success means to you.

If you believe that career success means being part of an office, working as part of a team and getting annual raises and bonuses then you probably will never feel like you have achieved career success if you don’t have areal job.

If, however, you will feel like you have achieved career success by making your own schedule, doing something that you are passionate about and knowing that you might not ever make a ton of money, then YES it is possible that you can have career success without a real job.

#2 – Identify what you are passionate about.

Once you have decided what success looks like to you and you have decided that it is possible for you to feel good about your career success without a real job, then it ‘ s time to decide what it is you want to do with your life.

Ask yourself what you are passionate about. If your career involves something that you are passionate about then success is way more likely. I am passionate about helping people. That has helped me, big time, in making my business what I want it to be.

Perhaps you love dogs and spending time with them makes you really happy. So what kind of work can you do around dogs?

Here in NYC dog walkers are everywhere. The one I know charges $20 per dog per day and walks up to 20 dogs over the course of 10 hours, 4 days a week. That ‘ s $400 per day, much of it under the table. My friend is very happy with his life because he gets to be with dogs, not have to get up at the crack of dawn and he makes enough money to live the way he wants to live.

So what is your passion? If you want to have career success without a real job, focusing on your passion will make it all the more likely to come true.

#3 – Stay connected to how you are feeling about your career choice.

For many of us, career success evolves over time. What was important to us in our youth might change as we get older.

I have a friend who taught skiing after college. He was passionate about skiing and was able to make enough money to live doing what he wanted to do.

And then he got married and had a child. That changed everything for him. Because he could no longer make the money that he needed to support himself and his family, he no longer thought of himself as successful. And he wanted to change that.

So my friend went back to school and then got a real job – a job in an area that he was passionate about but a real job nonetheless.

For him, even though he transitioned to a real job, he could still define himself as successful in his career.

For me, I could never go back to punching a time clock. Working on my own is a part of who I am now and, even if I would LIKE to be making a bit more money, the fact that I have a roster of steady clients and that my last article was picked up by the Huffington Post, allows me to sincerely feel like I have achieved career success. If I need more money in the future I will branch out from the work I do today but I will never again have a real job.

Having career success without a ‘ ˜real job ‘ is possible, especially in this world that we live in.

No more are 9-5 jobs the norm. Opportunities to work from home or work flexible schedules or have a variety of smaller jobs to pay the bills are part of the current fabric of our working lives.

It is essential, however, for you to define what career success is for you. If you don ‘ t know what it is then it will be impossible for you to achieve it.

Also, follow your passions and stay connected to how your career is working for you. Your definition of career success might change over time and you want to notice if it does.

So what does career success mean to you? Ask yourself that question right now! And let me know ‘ ¦

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published inThe Huffington Post,Prevention Magazine,The Good Man Project,among others. I works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Let me help you! Contact me here or email me at [email protected].

How Healthy Relationships Work – 5 Things That You Must Know Before You Can Have One

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Wouldn ‘ t you love to know how healthy relationships work?

Is there anything that you would like more than to have a healthy relationship, a love to share your life with?

Sure, a job and a nice apartment and good friends are important to you but really, isn ‘ t love the ultimate goal?

For many of us the answer is yes!

So how do you find love, find a healthy relationship? And how do you know if the relationship you are in now is even healthy?

Let ‘ s talk about how healthy relationships work so that you can have one!

In a healthy relationship:

#1 – Keep things even.

Think about your past relationships that haven ‘ t worked out. Was one of you more dominant than the other? Did one of you have more control? If yes, that might be why it didn’t work out.

In healthy relationships, couples are evenly matched and if they aren ‘ t it ‘ s because both sides are okay with an imbalance.

Does one of you decide more often what you do on weekends? Does one of you decide how the closet is going to be organized? Does one of you decide who your friends are?

Does the answer to those questions above always point to the same person?

If yes, then your relationship is out of balance. If one person has all power in a relationship it ‘ s not healthy. Not healthy because no one can truly be happy if they are being told what to do or made to do things they don ‘ t want to do.

So take a look at your partnership. Are you happy with how decisions are made? If he makes all the decisions and you are still happy then that ‘ s ok. But if you aren ‘ t happy, then it ‘ s time to make change.

#2 – Love yourselves first.

Do you like the person who you are? Do you like the work that you do? Do your relationships make you feel good about yourself? Do you not take others’ actions personally? Are you honest with yourself about your issues and limitations?

All of these are very important pieces of knowing and liking ourselves. It is essential that both people in a relationship know and accept themselves. Because if they do, then they can truly open their heart to another.

I have always struggled with feeling insecure in relationships. I always struggled with the feeling that there was no way any guy could really like me. There was no basis for that but I felt that way and it made me difficult to be in a relationship with.

And then I started my own business. I worked hard and found success. And in the meantime I learned that I was awesome and that I was making a difference in the world and that any guy would be lucky to have me. And guess what! I found an amazing guy because I was not longer insecure about myself.

And, yes, he does love me madly.

#3 – Always be honest.

I have said it before and will say it again. Without honesty there is no hope for happiness in a relationship, or anywhere.

I have a client who lives in constant fear that her husband is fooling around on her. It occupies her every waking moment – that she can ‘ t trust him. That he is talking to another woman while he is at work or out doing errands. She worries so much that it is taking over her life and making her miserable.

So talk to him about it, I suggested. But she can ‘ t. She and her husband have gotten to a place where they don ‘ t feel safe talking to each other about anything, big or small.

So instead of talking with her husband, sorting out her feelings and reconciling them with his actions, she is living with anxiety and fear and she is miserable.

Every person in a healthy relationship is in an honest relationship. If you have issues with your partner that are affecting your happiness, speak up. Let him know how you are feeling and you can work together to try to fix it.

And be honest about other things too – honest about where you go after work or when you are going to see your mother or about how much money you spent on the new vacuum cleaner. Make it a policy to never tell a lie, not even a white one.

#4 – Have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship are not completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, you will only be setting yourself up for failure. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

So call up some girlfriends and make a date for dinner and the movies. Your husband will be fine and will be very happy to see you when you return.

Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

#5 – Make each other feel loved.

Did you know that while you might feel like the things that you are doing for your partner make him feel loved, those things might not actually be working?

Shocking, I know!

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of usexpress lovein waysthatWE want to be loved – as opposed to in waysour partner wants to be loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is learning what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you learn what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel loved.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languagescreated a whole movement around this concept of there being 5 languages of love, and thus5 ways to express love to your partner. And when you use your partner ‘ s love language they will FEEL loved.

Check out his website here.

So now you know about how healthy relationships work and now you can get out there and find one of your own or make the one that you are in healthier.

The goal for all of us is love and, in order to find it and keep it, we need to do the hard work.

So make sure that the power levels are even in your relationship. Make sure that you both know and like yourselves and that you each have a life outside of the relationship. Always, always, be honest. And love your partner the way they want to be loved.

So now you know what you are looking for. Go out and find it!

THIS Is What Healthy Relationships Are Based On (And 5 Reasons Why)

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Are you wondering what healthy relationships are based on?

It ‘ s a very important question because how can you have a healthy relationship if you don ‘ t know what makes a good one?

So what is the answer? Are healthy relationships based sex? Or money? Or quality time? Or paying attention?

All of those things are important in healthy relationships but the most important part of a healthy relationship? COMMUNICATION.

Ok, so now that that ‘ s out there, do you wonder why communication is what healthy relationships are based on?

Let me tell you!

#1 – Good communication means honesty.

How can any relationship, be it romantic, work or familial, be healthy without honesty?

It is essential that in our lives we are honest with each other about how we are feeling, what we are thinking and seeing and experiencing.

Hiding our truths from others opens us up for relationship failure.

I have a client who doesn ‘ t trust her husband. A long time ago he cheated on her and, while she has forgiven him, she still doesn ‘ t trust him. She worries every day that she can ‘ t trust anything that he says. She worries that someday she will wake up and find that her life is a lie.

I asked my client why she couldn ‘ t tell her husband what she told me. She said that she just didn ‘ t feel safe doing so. And because she can ‘ t be honest with him she lives in this constant state of distrust and anger with her husband.

So be honest with your partner. Get your feelings out there so they can be heard and dealt with.

#2 – Good communication means trust.

If we are able to communicate with people we are in a relationship with, to tell them what our truths are, how we are feeling, what we want and need, then our partners can trust us.

If your partner knows that he can count on you to tell him when you are upset, to tell him when you need him to hold you close or leave you alone, to tell you what you want for your birthday, then your partner will trust in you. And you can trust in him.

Trust is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship.

Imagine if my client, who did not divorce her husband after the affair, had been able to tell her husband whenever she felt that distrust for him. If she had told him each time it occurred they could have talked it through.

Perhaps he could have learned what he needed to do to allow his wife to feel trust and perhaps she might have heard that her distrust was unfounded and that she need not fear.

Instead, they live in a parallel universe where she doesn ‘ t feel safe telling him how she feels and he has no freaking idea what to do so he just keeps his head down and works.

#3 – Good communication means things won ‘ t be put away to fester.

So tell me what happens when your husband does something to upset you and you don ‘ t tell him about it.

Perhaps he had promised you that he would choose the new doors for the house project this weekend. And then he didn ‘ t.

And what did you do? Did you make some passive aggressive remark about whatever it was that he did instead of choosing the doors and storm out of the kitchen?

Was that last year and do you still think about it?

Imagine if instead you had been able to explain to your husband how angry you were that he didn ‘ t get the doors. That you had been counting on having the doors so that you could choose the trim color the next day.

Perhaps you could have listened to his reason for not choosing the doors and perhaps you might have understood the reason and let it go. Or perhaps you could have hated the reason and expressed your anger about that.

Either way, you would have shared your emotions with your partner instead of stuffing them down deep where they festered.

#4 – Good communication means things can change and evolve.

When there is no communication between partners things can ‘ t ever change.

If you and your partner can ‘ t be honest each other with how you are feeling or how things are going or how things need to be done differently then you will forever be in place of stasis. A place where nothing changes.

Imagine if, in the situation above, my client had been able to express her emotions about the fact that her partner didn ‘ t get the doors. Her husband might have been put off by her anger and frustration in the moment but chances are he would have heard how his actions made her feel and he might have tried to not do it again.

On the other hand, because he didn ‘ t know how she felt, because she wasn ‘ t clear with him, he was doomed to repeat the events of the day over and over.

#5 – Good communication means a great sex life.

Here is where good communication skills really become a plus.

Sex is fun and a really important part of a healthy relationship.

If you and you are partner are able to communicate with each other about your sex life because you both feel safe that you can trust each other and be honest with each other, then your sex life will only get better.

And communicating about our sex lives has two sides: it ‘ s important that you share what is good AND what is not so good.

For example, if there is something that your husband does that you really, really like, TELL HIM. And, if there is something that he could do differently, TELL HIM.

Many of us think that we shouldn ‘ t talk about our sex lives because we will make the other person uncomfortable or feel bad.

But let me ask you this: would your partner feel worse if you told him to do something a little bit more to the left or if you refused to have sex with him anymore? I am guessing the first.

So communicate with your partner about what works and what doesn ‘ t work.

I promise you it will only make your relationship stronger.

Communication is what healthy relationships are based on.

Being able to share with your partner how you are feeling, what you need, what you are seeking to understand and what is making you scared is essential to maintaining trust, preventing fester and promoting evolution.

Being honest can at times be scary, especially if it involves hurt feelings or anger, but without it, and the good communication skills that are a part of it, your relationship will flounder.

And you don ‘ t want it to flounder. You want a healthy relationship.

So SPEAK UP! You will be glad you did.

 

6 Healthy Relationship Do’s And Don’ts That Can Make Or Break Yours

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As far as lists go, healthy relationship do ‘ s and don ‘ ts are one of the most important because healthy relationships, and the love that is a part of them, make the world go round.

For every ‘ do ‘ there is a ‘ don ‘ t ‘ associated with it. Understanding the difference between the two is a key part of really knowing how to be in a healthy relationship, one that is full of love and romance and respect and, well, all of it!

#1 – Do: Express your feelings.

Expressing your feelings in a relationship is very important. Many of my clients say I don ‘ t have to tell him that I love him. He knows. Yes, he might know but that doesn ‘ t mean you can ‘ t tell him.

Furthermore, if you are angry or sad or lonely because of something that your partner did, tell him. He needs to know how he made you feel so he can learn what you need from him and you need to express your feelings so they don ‘ t get trapped in your body. Feelings that get trapped in your body are toxic.

Don ‘ t: Be passive aggressive.

It is very important that you express your feelings but it is VERY important that you not be passive aggressive in how you express them.

Passive aggressiveness is a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks.

If your partner did something to upset you it ‘ s not okay to given him the silent treatment, to sulk, to do to him what he did to you, or act in any way that isn ‘ t straightforward about how you are thinking.

If your husband is always home late for work tell him how upset you are. Don ‘ t ignore him when he gets home and then tell him that you don ‘ t want him home anyway and that he might as well just stay at work forever. This will only make matters worse and will never get you what you really want – that he come home at night for dinner.

#2 – Do: Be understanding.

People are human. And sometimes they make mistakes. And if they do it ‘ s okay. They are human.

If your husband promised you that he would put up the curtain rods on a rainy Saturday afternoon and if, by the end of the day, that didn ‘ t happen, it ‘ s okay to be upset. But it ‘ s essential that you talk to him about it and understand why it didn ‘ t happen.

Yes, perhaps he just chose to watch football with your son instead or maybe he just forgot. Either way, he is only human. Express your disappointment that the job wasn ‘ t done but forgive him and try again on Sunday.

Don ‘ t: Take things personally.

If your husband promised you that he would put up the curtain rods on a rainy Saturday afternoon and if, by the end of the day, that didn ‘ t happen, don ‘ t take it personally.

Don ‘ t think If he loved me he would have put up the curtain rods. That simply isn ‘ t true. He didn ‘ t put up the curtain rods for a variety of reasons but none of them was because he didn ‘ t love you.

#3 – Do: Be honest.

An essential part of being in a healthy relationship is honesty. Truly, a healthy relationship cannot exist if partners aren ‘ t honest with each other.

If something has happened or you are feeling some way, it is essential that you let your partner know so that you can process it together. Sharing everything is a big part of maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship.

Don ‘ t: Keep secrets.

Keeping secrets will kill a relationship. Period.

Even those little pesky secrets, the ones that you keep because you want to ‘ ˜protect your loved one, ‘ are insidious and destructive and will only cause trouble.

Don ‘ t keep secrets. They always get out and when they do the harm that they cause is often worse than the secret itself.

#4 – Do: Maintain a healthy sex life.

A healthy sex life is an essential part of every relationship. The only person in the world that you are having sex with is your partner and that should be treated as the very special thing that it is. Make sex a regular and enjoyable part of your relationship.

Don ‘ t: Pretend that the sex is okay when it isn ‘ t.

If the sex you are having with your partner isn ‘ t okay then let your partner know. I can guarantee you that your partner would rather know the truth and be able to do what he can to make the sex more enjoyable than to find out that you have just been pretending all along.

Once again, be honest!

#5 – Do: Appreciate each other.

You have a partner who you have chosen for a variety of reasons. He is handsome or smart or kind or practical or handy. For whatever reason you chose him to be yours.

Now that he is yours, appreciate everything that you have. If your man fixes your cabinets for you without asking, or helps your neighbor solve that tax problem or looks just so in his new green sweater, TELL HIM!

You know how good it feels when he tells you.

Don ‘ t: Take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, often times once we settle down into a long-term relationship we start to take each other for granted. The things that we fell in love with them for are things that we just assume will always be there, not matter what we do.

I know that when I was married I just assumed my husband would always be there, no matter how I treated him, which wasn ‘ t always very well. And guess what. He left me!

So don ‘ t take your guy for granted. If you love him make him feel that way. Every day.

#6 – Do: Laugh with each other.

Laughing is an essential part of every healthy relationship. Remember when you first fell in love, the hours you spent together, sharing and laughing. And didn ‘ t if feel good?

It is so important that the laughter continue. Make sure you spend time together doing what you both love, enjoying each other ‘ s company and laughing.

Don ‘ t: Laugh at each other.

One of the things that happen when couples are together for a long time is that they aren ‘ t always kind to each other. Those things that bug us about our partner often are revealed in unkind ways.

Do you ever find yourself laughing at your partner because he is letting people take advantage of him again? Or sarcastically commenting on how well his shirt and tie match? Do you talk to your friends about the stupid things that he does?

If you do any of these things, stop. If you have issues with your husband or if he does something that bothers you, tell him, don ‘ t laugh at him. Because that kind of laughter just isn ‘ t funny.

Being in a healthy relationship can be really amazing but it can also be a lot of hard work. It is very important that you follow my healthy relationship do ‘ s and don ‘ ts to keep yours going strong.

It is important that you are always honest with your partner, in a kind way, that you don ‘ t take things personally and that you don ‘ t keep secrets. It is also key that you have a sex life that pleases you both, that you love and appreciate each and that laughter is a priority.

If you are reading this, I am guessing that you have a healthy relationship that youwant to keep healthy. You CAN do it. Start today.

5 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Relationship With Your Husband and Keep the Romance Alive

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The wedding is over, the rice has been thrown and now the question is How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your husband?

It ‘ s a very good question and a very important one. One that many newlyweds don ‘ t ask and should.

Marriage is wonderful but it lasts a long time and that time isn ‘ t always, or even often, easy. So thinking ahead about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband is very important.

So how DO you maintain that relationship?

#1 – Create a good foundation.

A good foundation is important for every structure and a marriage especially.

The habits that you develop as newlyweds will carry you forth throughout your marriage. In fact, if there are things that you are hoping will change once you are married, forget it. We only become more of who we are the older we get.

What are important pieces of a good foundation?

On the most basic level, trust is essential for every marriage. If you can not trust your partner to be honest with you, to be there when you need them, to know that they will always look out for your best interests, then you may as well be alone. Because if you can ‘ t trust your partner, who can you trust?

Another key piece of a good marriage foundation is mutual respect. It is impossible for two people to work well together if they don ‘ t respect the other person. If they don ‘ t respect their morals, their values and their work ethic. So make sure, early on, that you respect your partner and that he respects you back.

A third piece is knowing that you both recognize that you are a now a pair, that by getting married you have formed a new family.

Both of you come from individual families but now you are creating a new one. And that new one needs to be the priority. Sure, either mother-in-law might like things to be a certain way, but it ‘ s important that you both realize that your new family is the priority and that it is clear to others.

So set a good foundation for your marriage. It will be important that you do so going forward.

#2 – Be aware that kids are going to change everything.

Getting married is often followed by having children and I often wonder, if people really knew what having children was like, would they reconsider?

There is nothing harder on marriage then the arrival of a child. Suddenly the woman ‘ s priorities are totally redirected, away from the man who has been her life for years and towards this little helpless creature who she is biologically hard-wired to protect.

Right after my daughter was born my mother made us two sheet pans of lasagna. We froze them for when she went back to Virginia. I remember my husband coming home from work one day and, upon learning that we were having lasagna AGAIN, he stalked out of the room. I seriously thought I would never be able to cook and take care of a baby so I burst into tears.

And of course, as children grow, their demands on the family become greater and by their teen years their parents are exhausted and often estranged from each other. They live in the same house but that ‘ s it. The couple is gone.

It is essential that parents take time to spend time with each other during the chaos of raising children. Do fun things together, talk about subjects outside of the family, laugh a lot. If you don ‘ t you will completely lose who you are as a couple and be only Mom and Dad.

So don ‘ t forget your husband in the fray of raising your amazing children. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Treat each other with respect.

Nothing is worse in a marriage than when respect is gone. When respect is gone it is replaced by contempt and no relationship can survive when there is contempt.

If you spend time with any couple who has been married awhile you will know what I mean. One person ‘ s habits have become too much for the other person and it is very clear.

My ex-husband used to often come home late from work. At first I begged him to be home in time for dinner. He tried but most often failed. I got increasing frustrated and starting losing respect for him. I eventually stopped asking him and eventually started telling him that he was rendering himself irrelevant. That we didn ‘ t need him home for dinner anyway.

How great did that make him feel? He is my ex-husband, you notice.

#4 – Make sure your sex life is working.

Sex is an essential piece of any healthy relationship. It is important that every couple maintain a certain amount of intimacy to keep connected.

What is very important about married people sex is that it works for both people in the relationship. If he wants to have sex 5 days a week and she doesn ‘ t want to have sex more than once, then a compromise must be made so that you can both be satisfied.

If she has sex with him more than she might like he will be satisfied but she will not be because she will be resentful about what she feels forced to do. If they only have sex once he might get resentful that that is all he gets.

So have a discussion with your spouse. Make sure that both of you are happy with the amount and quality of the sex you share.

It could be the glue that holds you together.

#5 – Talk about money.

This is the holy grail of taboo subjects in a marriage and one of the top reasons that marriages fall apart. Many people can not talk about their finances without it descending into chaos.

Money is a difficult topic, whether there is too much or too little, and couples can rarely talk about it without fighting. How much a salary is, how much it costs to run a family and keep a house, spending money on self care, putting money away for savings. All are difficult topics and allocation for each of those areas is up for discussion at any given time.

The happiest couples I know are ones who have the tough talk regularly. Is the way the money being spent working for everyone? If not, what can be done to change that?

The key is working together, as a couple, to make the finances work for the whole family.

Try it. The conversation might be difficult but it could save your marriage.

So there are the 5 essential ways to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband.

I can not repeat enough how important it is to spend time early in your relationship setting a good foundation as a couple.

Learn how to talk about difficult things, like money and sex. Put yourselves first over your extended families. Make spending time together a priority. And never stop laughing.

Marriage can be wonderful. Do your best to keep it that way.

Do you want to maintain a healthyrelationshipwith your husband?

Let me help, NOW, and get that passion back quickly!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Healthy Relationship Boundaries to Keep the Romance Alive

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Healthy relationship boundaries are important to keeping every relationship alive and full of spark but they are something that aren ‘ t often part of relationship building.

Healthy boundaries come in many shapes and sizes, depending on the couple, but there are 5 basic boundaries that should exist in every relationship.

#1 – It is important to spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let either of you be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So make an effort to keep the decision making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Not letting any one of you be in charge is important. And it leads to #3.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each others ‘ behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Keep the personal hygiene stuff personal.

Um so, what do I mean by this? Personal hygiene stuff?

I want you to think about what things you do around your partner. Are you willing to brush your teeth? To floss them after? To put on your makeup? To wear a face mask to bed? To pee as needed?

All of those things are, of course, necessary parts of life. And when we get familiar with our partners we are okay with doing them in front of them.

But I would suggest keeping personal hygiene stuff personal because doing those things in front of them can demystify you in the eyes of your partner.

I don ‘ t mean that if your partner sees you doing those everyday things he will love you any less but if he doesn ‘ t see you doing those things then you will continue to be that somewhat mysterious woman he fell in love with.

So do your bathroom chores by yourself. Keep that mystery, and the romance, going.

#5 – Be your own person outside of the relationship.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all women stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

Every relationship needs healthy relationship boundaries to keep the romance going.

Most couples don ‘ t put thought into boundaries until things start to go wrong. Don ‘ t be that couple. Set boundaries ahead of time so that you can stay on a positive track as you move forward together.

So spend time apart, share the power, treat each other with respect, keep personal hygiene personal and stay yourself. All of those things will lead to the healthy romantic relationship you have always longed for.

5 Emotional Skills Women In The Best Relationships Have Mastered

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I think that most women would say that being in a great relationship is a priority in their life and yet many women struggle with the skills necessary to maintain such a relationship.

There are 5 emotional skills that women in the best relationships have mastered, skills that will allow them to have a great relationship and succeed in other areas of their life.

#1 – Believing in oneself.

This is the most basic skill that a woman must possess to be in the best relationship. Because if a woman doesn ‘ t have a good relationship with herself she will never be able to have a good relationship with others.

Women who don ‘ t believe in themselves look to others to ‘ ˜complete them. ‘ They aren ‘ t confident in their ability to make their way in the world alone and think that without a mate they will never be able to do so.

This lack of self confidence puts an incredible amount of pressure on a partner, to expect them to carry the one they love. Most people are working hard to carry themselves through life and having to carry another is a burden that is often too much to bear. And the relationship fails.

So work hard to believe in yourself. Have your own life and friends and a job that feeds your soul and your self-confidence. Carry your own weight in the world and you will be a good partner in a relationship.

#2 – Being willing and able to communicate.

Communication is essential in every relationship. Without it a relationship is doomed.

Being able to talk to your partner about everything, both the good and the bad, is a key skill to have in a good relationship. If you aren ‘ t able to tell your partner that you love them or appreciate them then you won ‘ t be able to reach the closeness that you desire.

And if you can ‘ t tell your partner that they have hurt you or that you are angry with them, and instead internalize your emotions, then your relationship will fail.

So work hard at developing good communication skills. Make an effort to verbalize your feelings, both good and bad. Tell your partner that you love them every day. Make sure that if something is amiss you talk about it before it grows into something big and destructive.

You will be glad you did.

#3 – The ability to be alone.

Maybe women struggle with being alone. Alone in their home, alone out in the world, alone.

A key part of being in a good relationship is the ability to be happy alone.

Once again, the need to rely on someone else for your happiness and ease can be very destructive in a relationship. If any time that your partner needs to do something without you you get clingy and needy then you will push your partner away.

Make an effort to learn how to be alone. Develop hobbies that you can do when your partner is away. Make plans with friends. Don ‘ t rely on your partner to keep you feeling happy and secure.

Because if you don ‘ t do so you will find yourself alone, permanently.

#4 – Being willing to talk about sex.

For whatever reason many women struggle with being able to talk about sex. And sex is a very important part of a good relationship.

What do I mean by the ability to talk about sex? I mean the ability to communicate with your partner how you feel about the sexual part of your relationship. If you are struggling with some aspect of it or particularly enjoy another.

Sex issues can wreak havoc in a good relationship and if partners aren ‘ t honest about how they are feeling the issues will snowball.

On the other hand, the ability to talk about the good parts of your sex life can only make it better. Being able to tell your partner what you like not only enhances your pleasure but talking about it outside of bed is really, really fun!

So make an effort to share your feelings about sex with your partner. And I can guarantee you if you tell your partner what you like about what he is doing he will happy to accommodate you whenever you want him to.

#5 – Being honest.

No relationship of any kind can survive without honesty.

Why? Because honesty is the basis of trust and without trust a relationship simply can ‘ t succeed.

It is essential that you are honest with your partner about everything, from the small and inconsequential to the very important, scary stuff.

If you don ‘ t like the way he slurps his coffee to the point that you don ‘ t want to drink coffee with him, tell him. If you don ‘ t like that you have to spend every Sunday morning with his parents, tell him.

Because if you are honest with your partner you can work together to resolve an issue. If you don ‘ t tell the truth then the issue will be left to fester and the relationship will founder.

So tell the truth. Let your partner know that they can rely on you to be honest with them about issues in your relationships. And if you do they will respond in kind.

And you will live happily every after!

Being in a good relationship is a wonderful thing a real possibility for people with the 5 emotional skills that women in the best relationships have mastered.

Work every day to develop and perfect the skills necessary to keep your relationship healthy and strong.

Believe in yourself, talk about how you are feelings, be okay with being alone, talk about sex and always be honest. These skills will get your far in your relationship, and in your life.

If you havereadthis far you mustreally want to develop some emotional skills?
I know change can be really, really hard. Let me help! Change IS possible.
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The Most Meaningful Career Success Advice For Women

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A client recently asked me what was the best career success advice for women that I could share with her.

She was a young woman in her mid-20s and just starting out. I have had 30 years out in the work world and she wanted my insight.

After some reflection, I realized that there are 5 pieces of career success advice that I would give any young women as she takes on the crazy world of career building.

#1 – Be self-aware.

The most important part of career success is to know who you are and what you want to do.

Many of us just fall into jobs. Our parents encourage us in one direction, our friends in another. Or perhaps we decide to take a job just because it pays well. Sometimes we take a job thinking that it will be temporary while we figure out what we really want to do.

And then we find ourselves stuck. Stuck in a job that we hate.

Let me tell you that if you don ‘ t have a job that you LOVE you will have a hard time achieving career success.

Take the time before you embark on your career search to examine what you want to be doing for the rest of your life by asking yourself a few questions:

What are your best skills and the ones you most enjoy doing?
What kinds of work interests you the most?
How important is making a lot of money?
Do you feel like you want to help change the world?
How important is work/life balance?

Once you have the answers to these questions you can start your job search with a clear vision of what kind of work you want. And getting the job of your dreams is an excellent beginning to achieving career success.

#2 – Be brave.

I know that this might seem weird in 2017 but many women in the workplace still have a hard time advocating for themselves.

Sheryl Sandberg writes in her book Lean In ‘ ˜that women keep themselves from advancing because they don ‘ t have the self-confidence and drive that men do. ‘

I am not sure that I completely agree with this statement but I know that some elements of it are true.

As women our tendency is to hang back and observe, to reflect before we speak and sometimes to not speak at all. Women are more cautious. Women don ‘ t apply for promotions unless they fit the profile perfectly and are less likely than men to ask for a well-deserved raise.

It is important that women in the workplace today don ‘ t hang back. It is important that women identify who they want to be in the workplace and what they want and go after it with a vengeance.

They must speak up and lead, even in the face of men who might try to push against them. They must believe, deep down, that they CAN do this job and that they will succeed.

#3 – Be honest.

It is important in all areas of life, but especially in the career world, to be honest. Honest with yourself and with others.

First of all, we must be honest with ourselves. Are we doing our best at work? Are we taking responsibility for getting our job done well and when things go awry are we accepting the blame for our errors? Are we honest with our feelings about our boss and our co-workers? Are we honest about how we feel our careers align with our morals and values? Are we clear that we are doing the right thing for ourselves and our families?

We must also be honest with our co-workers. So many women take on more than they can handle because they don ‘ t believe that anyone else can do it as well as they can. As a result, many women are overworked and overwhelmed.

It is important that we allow ourselves to delegate and share, when necessary, and if our co-workers can ‘ t do the work up to company standards then we must be honest with them and show them how to get things done correctly.

Career success is achieved when women know that they are doing the best job that they can do and that they are doing only their job, not the jobs of others. Being honest will prevent overwhelm and enable you to get the recognition that you deserve in the workplace and thereby achieve heightened career success.

#4 – Be forward thinking.

It is so easy to become focused on the day-to-day happenings at work that we stop looking forward to the big picture.

Yes, you have your job but your job is part of the larger workplace. How does your job fit in that workplace? What can you do to be more of an asset to that workplace? How could your job expand in the future to include more responsibility and contribution? Is there a future for you outside of this job? Do you have a plan to get there?

It is important that you always keep your head up at work and are forward thinking. Career success will be achieved when you have an idea and a goal and you have a clear plan to work towards it.

#5 – Be a woman.

Many women believe that in order to be considered equals to men in the workplace we need to act like men. Back in the 70s and 80s, when women were entering the workforce, they wore suits to work, so that they could appear more manly.

Suits are mostly a thing of the past these days but still women tend to try to act like men in the workplace in order to get ahead.

I believe that, rather then act like men, women need to use their skills as a woman to achieve career success.

Women are intuitive. Women can multi-task. Women are excellent communicators. Women are big picture planners. Women have the ability to connect with people on a personal level. Women know how to fly under the radar and get the job done.

So now you see. A woman possesses all of the skills that she needs to be more than successful in her career. She just needs to pull them out of her toolbox and use them. Every day.

Getting meaningful career success advice is vital for any woman entering the workforce.

Women like to get things done, quickly and efficiently, but in the workplace it is essential to look to more experienced women to help them make a plan and achieve success.

Women have all of the skills necessary to achieve that same career success as men they just have to be prepared to use them and use them well. And then, when they add their feminine superpowers to the mix, the sky is the limit.

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