Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

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Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

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The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

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7 Reasons Why Dating A Married Man Who is Separated is a Huge Waste of Time

One thing is for sure – the availability of great men to date seems to be somewhat limited. As a result, women are often open to dating a married man who is separated. After all, his marriage is over – why not?

Well, let me tell you – dating a man who is not yet divorced is a REALLY bad idea. Yes, he might seem available but he really isn’t.

I know – you don’t want to hear this but good for you for opening this article and reading it. You will be glad that you did!

#1 – He might think that he is ready to date but he isn’t.

I know that, when my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. I felt abandoned and not worthy. I was lonely and believed that no one would ever love me again. Within months, I was on a dating site. On the first date I met a wonderful man and we, in spite of his reservations that I wasn’t yet divorced, started dating. It was amazing at first – and then it was a disaster.

I truly felt like I was ready to date but I wasn’t. I was fresh out of a 20 year marriage. I was struggling with the pain of abandonment. I hadn’t yet processed what had happened in my marriage. I was desperate to be in a new relationship so that I wouldn’t feel lonely.

All of these things affected our relationship in a big way.

Whenever I had contact with my soon to be ex, it upset me. I was clingy with my new guy, desperate to not lose him. I tried to involve him in the details of my divorce, something that he wasn’t interested in doing as he had already been through divorce himself.

Slowly, the relationship died away and I was left lonely and abandoned again. I truly believe that, if we had met after my divorce, this man and I might still be together.

I am sure that your married man is telling you that he is ready – and I am sure that he believes that he is. But he isn’t. Stay away.

#2 – He still has one foot in the door of the marital household – if he is even out at all.

A client of mine got involved with a married man who had separated from his wife. They had four kids under the age of 14. The man and his wife knew that managing those kids on their own and sending them back and forth between households would be difficult so he stayed in the house – albeit in the guest room.

At first my client dealt with this – she had dated a series of douchebags and this guy was great. What she soon learned, however, was that he was still so connected to his life, his kids and the running of his household that he had no physical or emotional space to give her.

More often than not, dates would be cancelled as “something came up.” They couldn’t travel because he needed to be available to his wife and his kids. His wife wasn’t thrilled that he was dating and was not kind about it, which was stressful. Overall, my client had no place in her boyfriend’s life and that only caused her to be resentful.

My client finally found the strength to walk away from this guy, even though he was great. The anger and resentment that she was feeling wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship and she didn’t want to waste her time.

#3 – He is probably still struggling with the divorce.

While your married man who is separated might not believe this, he is probably still struggling with the fact that he is getting divorced, even if he is the one who instigated it.

When people get married, they make vows in front of their family and friends, vows that they will be committed to each other for life. As a result, the marriage ends in divorce, for both parties the feelings are complicated.

Men, especially, can feel at odds with their actions. After all, they did commit to taking care of their wives and have, most likely, done so, at least to some extent. Many men are the major breadwinners and they want to make sure that their wives are taken care of. They are struggling with the fact that they might not see their kids everyday. They might be getting shit from their parents or in-laws, which only feeds their complicated feelings.

When someone’s head and heart are not clear going into a relationship, there is very little room for a healthy love to grow. As a result, the new person gets the short end of the stick when it comes to attention and that can kill a relationship almost before it starts.

 

married man who is separated

#4 – His kids are probably still struggling with the divorce.

When husbands and wives who have kids decide to divorce, things are often very clear for them. They know that their marriage is over and have decided that its time to take steps. For the kids, its no so black and white.

While some kids shrug their shoulders and seem to be non-plussed by a divorce, for many kids the divorce is a major blow to their lives. The life that they have always known is over and the future is uncertain. When one of their parents starts dating, things can really take a turn for the worse.

One of my clients was dating a married man who was separated. His 16 year old daughter was angry that her father had moved on so quickly after her parents’ separation. When my client came along that pushed her over the edge.

The anger that his daughter felt towards her father got redirected towards my client. She believed that my client was the cause of the divorce. She believed that her mother was being wronged. She believed that my client was a horrible person who had no place in her life. As a result, she refused to meet her and badmouthed her continuously to her father.

The result of this was two fold. First, my client was devastated that she was on the receiving end of so much vitriol. She felt like she was a good person who had fallen for a man, not some conniving women who was trying to steal a father away from his daughter. The situation led to a fair amount of resentment on her part.

And, as his daughter became more and more vocal about her dislike of my client, her married man became resentful of her as well. After all, his daughter was the light of his life and if she didn’t like his girlfriend, he didn’t want to upset her. He started to put her first above my client and do whatever he could to keep his daughter happy. Again, my client became resentful of this and soon walked away, even though she really like her guy.

#5 – He might just be using you for emotional support – or sex.

Again, your married man who is not yet divorced most likely truly believes that he is ready to date but, as I said, he is not. So, while he is attached to you, it is very like that he is attached to you for the emotional support that you give him and the amazing not-married sex.

I am not saying that your married man is using you maliciously. He most likely fell into your relationship and, as it grew, he became more and more attached to the emotional support that you gave him. After all, his life is complicated and perhaps many people are angry with him. To have you there, telling him that he is wonderful and listening to his tales of woe is very comforting.

And – you are having sex with him. Your married man has most likely been fairly sex-free for a past period of time as his marriage died. Now, here he is, with a woman who truly longs for him and who is willing to have sex a lot!

What kind of man would walk away from either of those things? You are making this difficult time in his life easier. While this is wonderful for him, what is in it for you?

#6 – Divorces are messy.

If you are single and have never been through a divorce let me tell you something – divorces are messy. Very messy.

Most likely your boyfriend and his wife are going to have to go through the process of dividing their assets – who gets the house, the cars, the furniture, the jewelry. While he says that he doesn’t want anything, he will. They are going to have to figure out how to sustain two households with the same income with which they managed one. They are going to have to figure out any custody arrangements for their kids and who is going to spend holidays where.

And they are going to have to do all of this with lawyers and mediators involved, and have it all approved by a judge, something that can be scary and anxiety inducing, particularly if they haven’t done it before.

And where, I ask you, do you fit into this situation? Are you willing to be his sounding board, someone who advises him on what the best thing is to be done? To be the one would listens while he rails on about his greedy ex-wife? Who has to deal with the distraction and time spent away dealing with it all?

That doesn’t sound very fun, does it?

#7 – Starting a relationship with stress and drama does not lead to happily ever after.

Relationships are supposed to start out in a good way. People meet, they feel the connection, they share their stories and stay up all night sharing their hopes and dreams. The have tons of sex, do lots of fun activities and are riding a high that they believe they will never come down from. In a healthy relationship, these highs settle down to a comfortable happiness that moves the relationship forward.

If you are involved with a married man who is not yet separated, you will have very little of this initial happiness. Yes, you might have moments of new relationship bliss but those moments will be interspersed with the things I detailed above. You might feel the stress of his financial worries, have to deal with a resentful child, get frustrated at being fourth on the list of his priorities. You might find you and your beau disagreeing with his choices and fighting about what is next.

Let me ask you – which of these relationship beginnings will lead to a healthy relationship? The one that starts with happiness and hope or one that starts with anger and frustration?

Don’t waste your time, hoping that, once his divorce is done, you will live happily ever after. The chances, I am afraid, are minimal.

I wish I could say that dating a married man who is separated is something that could lead to your happily ever after.

After all, that’s what we all want – happily ever after.

I am sorry to say that, no matter how great he is, your still married man is going to disappoint you. He won’t want to, and might even tell you that he won’t, but he will. And, when your relationship ends, you will be left alone, needing to start over on your journey to find love.

So, find the strength to not choose married men who are not yet divorced, and walk away if you have already started dating one! You will be happy you did!

7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

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7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but not really sure. I get it! So many of my clients come to me, wondering if their marriage is a toxic one.

When we are struggling in a toxic marriage, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. A therapist of mine once likened being in a bad relationship to being caught underwater in a moving river – the water bubbling all around your head, disorienting you, making it hard think clearly.

Well, that is what life coaches (specifically me!) are here for – to help their clients understand the realities of their marriage so that they can be empowered to decide on their next course of action.

So that end – let me share with you the psychological facts about toxic marriages that nearly everyone misses, so that you can figure out your next steps.

#1 – Your spouse is not your “soul mate.”

So many of my clients tell me that their spouse is their “soul mate.” That they have never loved or been loved the way that they do and are with their husband or wife. And I get it. But that idea is, I am afraid, just a tad delusional.

Let me ask you this – if you are in a marriage that is toxic, perhaps being emotionally or physically abused by a partner, how can that person be your “soul mate?” How can someone who is your “soul mate” be someone who is willing to cause you so much pain?.

More likely, instead of being your “soul mate,” you and/or your spouse are most likely trauma bonded. No matter the length of your marriage, your primary relationship has been a toxic one. One that involves anger and sadness and mistreatment and contempt and name calling and swearing and abuse. When that is how one, or both, members of a marriage live every day, those kind of toxic emotions become normalized. In fact, when those kind of strong emotions, even if they are negative, aren’t present, it can feel really uncomfortable. Hence – the trauma bonding. You believe that, in order to feel, you must be with THIS person, even if they make you feel bad!

7 psychological facts about toxic marriages

#2 – Great sex does not mean a great marriage.

I can’t tell you how often I hear this one from clients – that they have amazing sex so their marriage must still be good, right? Well, wrong.

One of the reasons that a sex life can quiet down during a marriage is because of the familiar – that as a relationship normalizes and the initial chemical surges calm down, that drive for sex can be reduced as well. This is not a bad thing – its just they way the chemical reactions in our body work.

When you are in a toxic marriage, those intense emotions have not calmed down. They have, in fact, become heightened over this time, in a negative way. Couples in toxic marriages are more often than not struggling with these strong emotions. Whether it be sadness or anger or contempt or frustration, these kind of heightened emotions can lead to a increased desire for sexual release. As a result, couples who live in this state of conflict more likely than not have more sex then people in calmer marriages.

A great example of this is break up sex, a way more common thing than one might think (and something that I have indulged in more than once – with different boyfriends!). The desire to break up with someone is usually connected in some way to intense emotions of some kind. As a result, we want to have sex, even though we are breaking up. Now, think about a toxic marriage. Pretty much all of the sex in a toxic marriage is break up sex – soon followed, most likely, by make up sex.

Both of which are quite exciting – and very addictive.

#3 – It’s not all your fault.

If there is one thing that all of my clients who are struggling in toxic marriages have in common is that they believe that it is all their fault.

They believe that if they could just be nicer or wear more makeup or be more patient or have more sex or don’t ask for much their relationship could be fixed. And they really believe this. Before they find me, many of my clients have tried one or more of the above in an attempt to fix their marriage.

Well, let me tell you, from personal experience, that your toxic relationship will not be fixed by you not being who you are. Yes, of course, you can change toxic behaviors that you might bring into a relationship but that won’t fix your marriage. Why? Because your toxic marriage is not all your fault!

In every marriage, there are two people and in every marriage there are two people involved in making it good or bad. Perhaps you aren’t as nice to your husband as you might be but I am guessing that you didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be a bitch. I am guessing that, over time, something has happened in your marriage that led to that behavior. In a healthy marriage, you being a bitch, and what your spouse is doing to cause your to react that way, are both addressed to settle an issue. In a toxic marriage, if one person is willing to take all the blame for its problems, the other person will be happy to give them away.

So, know that fixing yourself isn’t going to fix your relationship. What is happening is not all your fault. I know that it might feel that way – and that perhaps you are even being told that it is that way – but its not!

#4 – You are not kidding anyone, particularly your kids.

I have a client who has four grown children. All of them are embarking on adult relationships of their own and all of them are struggling. We have been working together to try to help her support them. As we have gotten to know each other, I have learned that my client has a husband who is very abusive. Her kids grew up in a home where their father was always angry and their mother was always trying to hide this anger from the kids. She truly thought that she had done a good job doing so..

The reality is is that she wasn’t kidding anyone. While she tried her hardest, her kids were still exposed, over the many years of their childhood, to the toxic behaviors of their father (and to some extent her toxic behaviors because their mother put up with it). As a result, they are now struggling in their own relationship with the girls finding men who don’t treat them well and the boys exhibiting frustration through anger.

This happens all the time – that people believe that they are successfully hiding their toxic marriage from friends and family. And, of course, sometimes it can be done but, more often than not, its just not possible. This is especially the case with children. They have big eyes and ears and hearts and the tangled web of emotions that exist in a toxic marriage are always simmering in the background and their little bodies just soak them right up. And, because they are kids and don’t understand these grown up emotions, the confusion will set them up for a world of hurt!

#5 – Things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Oh goodness – if I had a quarter for every client who tells me that they are waiting for things to go back to the way that they were in the beginning I would be a very rich life coach.

The beginning of relationships are always wonderful. The initial chemical reaction. The emotional connection. The romance. The great sex. The all night talks about hopes and dreams. It’s all the stuff, literally, of fairy tales.

Unfortunately, as a relationship develops, those initial intense emotions shift. In a healthy relationship, they shift in a positive way, one where a couple settles in to a secure, loving relationship. In a toxic relationship, those emotions lead to hurt, anger and disillusionment. Where, my clients wonder, is the person who they fell in love with?

I am afraid that, whether you are in a good marriage or a bad one, your relationship will never be the way that it was in the beginning. Holding onto the hope that it ever will is an exercise in futility. This is particularly the case if you are in a toxic marriage. No matter how hard you work on a relationship, it will never be what it was in the beginning nor will your spouse ever be exactly the person they were.

So, if you are staying in a toxic marriage because you believe that things could go back to the way that they were in the beginning, I am sorry to tell you this but it just won’t happen.

#6 – “We never fight” doesn’t not mean your marriage is fine.

I know that, when my marriage ended, I thought to myself – but we never fight. How can we possibly be getting a divorce? Our marriage was fine enough, right? After all, so many of our friends fought more than we did.

Well, it turns out that not fighting is not the sign of a healthy relationship nor is it the key to getting one.

A healthy marriage is all about communication – whether its positive or negative it’s important for people to be able to speak their truth and be heard. It’s not an easy thing to do – to be honest – but its a very important part of any healthy relationship.

When spouses don’t fight, it means that they aren’t expressing their feelings. It means that they are just stuffing down whatever frustrations they might have to a place where they will simmer until they boil over. My kids tell me that while my ex and I never fought, the tension was always in the air. They knew that we were holding things in and generally knew when they were going to come out.

The biggest gift that our divorce gave them was that they no longer had to wait for those eruptions.

So, if you and your spouse don’t fight – its not a good thing, I am afraid.

#7 – You really do deserve better.

Be honest. How do you feel about yourself these days?

Are you happy with who you are in the world. Do you wake up in the morning with a mostly positive outlook for your day? Do you take care of yourself? Are you being a good friend or a good parent? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think that you are in pretty good shape?

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t feeling so good about yourself. Any amount of time in a toxic relationship can be really hard on one’s self esteem. Being unhappy or on the receiving side of anger or feeling hopeless about the future are all things that can eat away at one’s self-esteem. And when one’s self esteem is damaged, its difficult to believe that one deserves any better than their unhappy marriage.

I can promise you that you 100% deserve better. We all do. You deserve to love and be loved and not live your days in misery. If you can take that first step fixing or getting out of your toxic marriage you will be taking one step towards rebuilding that self esteem and getting the love that you want.

I know that accepting these psychological facts about toxic marriages might be difficult.

After all, who wants to admit that their marriage is toxic and that something must be done. We make vows when we get married and not one wants to break their vows!

So, take a look at the facts that I have shared. Are they in any way related to your marriage? If yes, its time for you to figure out next steps!

7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t Want to Hear

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7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t want to Hear

One thing that every single one of my clients who is having an affair with a married man talks about is how their man’s marriage is a disaster; that they don’t understand how he can exist in it and that it should be a no-brainer to leave. Every one.

And what I tell everyone of them is  – “Actually, it’s not that simple.”

Of course, no woman having an affair with a married man wants to hear this. Their man’s miserable marriage is a part of how women rationalize what they are doing.

That being said, it essential that you, the “other woman,” understand truths about your married man’s marriage so that you can move forward with 100% clarity.

#1 – His wife is not a complete raving lunatic, no matter what he says.

I am sure that you have heard over and over what a raging lunatic your married man’s wife is. Or how she is so depressed that she can’t function or that religion has taken over her life or that she is controlling and manipulative. And I am sure that you believe him. After all, why would he lie?

Now I am not saying that your married man is lying, per se, but rather that this description of her is his story and one that he is going to stick to. After all, how else can he justify himself having an affair?

What I can tell you is that every marriage is long and hard but that in every marriage there are two people. Over time, the 1000 little cuts that occur in a marriage can cause a myriad of hurts, hurts that that can wear someone down emotionally. As a result, married people don’t always behave as calmly or respectfully as they might like.

I am guessing that your married man has hurt his wife – as I am sure that she has hurt him. She hasn’t just become a raving lunatic overnight. Of course she might be unkind or disrespectful but she isn’t that way in a void. She is this way because she is unhappy. And she is, I promise, very unhappy in her marriage.

#2 – She is married to someone who would cheat on her.

Think about this one very carefully, especially if you are in an affair with a married man who you are hoping will leave his wife for you.

Your married man is the kind of person who would cheat on his wife.

I am guessing that you are rationalizing his behavior because he is desperately unhappy and what else could he do? That you are soul mates who are destined to be together. But the reality is is that there are many men who are unhappily married who don’t cheat.

Of course, being unhappily married is extremely difficult and ideally every man who is unhappily married would join with his wife to find support to manage this unhappiness. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. As a result, men can look for other means of coping, some of them healthy and some of them not. Perhaps they exercise more or spend time with friends. Or perhaps they work harder or, tragically, drink too much. Whatever their coping skills, what they don’t do is cheat. They abide by the vows of their marriage, in spite of what they are struggling with.

Your married man is not one of those men who has chosen a coping skill that does’t involve sex with another woman. Is that someone who you would want to be married to? Perhaps that she is married to the kind of man who would cheat is one of the reason that your married man’s wife is such a “bitch.”

#3 – Your married man and his wife are still very much a couple.

Let me guess. Has your married man told you that he and his wife aren’t even a couple anymore? That they never spend time together, they don’t have the same interests, they can’t agree on anything and that they never have sex? I am guessing that the answer to at least some of these things is “yes.”

Well, let me tell you that your married man and his wife are still very much a couple. While they might not get along all the time (or ever) they are still married. They have friends who they socialize with. They have extended family who are visited on holidays. They have children’s sporting events that are watched every weekend. There are family holidays that need to be taken. All of those things are things that your married man and his wife do together. And, I can promise you, that they do, at times, enjoy doing these things together.

Of particular note is the fact that your married man and his wife live in the same house. There are dinners to be had, TV shows to be watched, chores to be done. And, whether or not they have children, at times at least, they do these things together.

I know that he tells you that he and his wife never do things together but they do. Every day.

#4 – They were madly in love once too.

I know that this is hard to conceive of but your married man and his wife were madly in love once. They met, they fell in love, they got married. Even if he tells you that he never loved her, he did.

And, while they might not love each other they way they used to, or barely even at all, there is a love there, love that is born of longevity and shared experience. This is why so many people have a hard time letting go of relationships, even if they are toxic – because of past emotional experiences and time spent together.

So, while your married man says that he doesn’t love his wife, and maybe even never did, remember – he fell in love with her once and that love still exists on some level.

truths about your married man's marriage

#5 – They have mutual obligations to each other.

On the most practical level, your married man and his wife have obligations to each other. They probably have a mortgage or a lease. They might have a car loan and perhaps credit card debt. They might have children they share or a dog they are both very attached to. Your married man is in a relationship that he can not easily disentangle himself from.

Even more important, your married man probably feels like he has a responsibility to continue to take care of his wife. I have a few clients who are married men having affairs and, without exception, they feel like it is imperative that they continue to take care of their wives.

Even in this world where men and women are equal, men still have an instinctual compulsion to take care of their women and their children. In many marriages, the men make more money and their wives are financially reliant on them. Furthermore, many men feel that they are responsible for the health and safety of their wives. For the things that they need so that they can have a good life. They want to make sure that they are taken care of, no matter what.

And these compulsions are not things that your married man will walk away from easily. He might very well have been brought up to take care of women and, if he has been doing it for a long time, especially, he will have a very hard time letting go.

#6 – They have a history. And, most likely, a future.

This is another thing to consider when you hear your married man complain about how horrible his life and his marriage is. Your married man and his wife have history, and, maybe even a future.

Think about it. Your husband and his wife have shared a life. They have friends they might have known for years, probably friends who are also married. They each have an extended family and those families have mingled regularly. They have kids who they have watched grow up. They have shared experiences, both good and bad, experiences that have joined them in some way.

And – even if he does leave her and they get divorced – your married man and his wife will have a future together, especially if they have kids or pets.

I know that it feels like that if your married man leaves his wife, that will be that and you will live happily ever after. But the reality is is that your married man and his wife will always be connected. Perhaps he has to pay her alimony. Or they have to meet to exchange the kids. Perhaps their aging parents will get sick and they will need to support each other. They might see each other at social events. Whatever the reason, your married man and his wife have a future together. One that you most likely won’t be a part of.

# 7 – His wife is most likely in charge.

One of the things that I learned in my 20 years of marriage is that I was the one who was in charge of our lives.

While we might have started out as equals, as we bought a house and had kids and developed a social life, I was the one who took over. I was the one who managed the kids schedules, bought birthday and Christmas presents, planned social events and arranged vacations. And I was happy to do it – but only if it was done my way.

And my husband – he knew the rules and was nonetheless perfectly happy to do things this way.

What I know now is that most husbands just want to keep their wives happy. If their wives are happy, there is no drama and emotions to deal with and the chances that they will get sex is dramatically higher. As a result, they keep their heads down, try to follow instructions correctly and get through the day with their heads fully intact.

So, what does this mean? Why should her being in a charge mean anything to you? Because your married man is so used to following instructions that the chances that he will advocate for himself and get out of the marriage are infinitesimal. Your married guy knows that, if he asks for a divorce, there will be drama and emotions, both things that he just isn’t equipped to deal with.

I know that these truths about your married man’s marriage might be hard to accept.

After all, you are having an affair with a married man and you are living in a bubble.  You are living in a bubble where you believe that your love will conquer all. That he will see how much better his life will be if he is with you. That, ultimately, he will choose you.

Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you. Yes, you love him and are there for him and you have fun together and the sex is great but your married man is married. Your married man has a full life of which you are not a part of and his wife is. And this is a life that he most likely won’t, in spite of his promises, ultimately leave.

9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After a Devastating Divorce

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9 Ways You Can Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

First off all, if you have survived a devastating divorce, good for you! You might have just gone through one of the worst times of your life but you came out the other side intact and are now ready to reinvent yourself!

And reinventing yourself is one of the most important things to do after a divorce. To let go of the person you were in your unhappy marriage and embrace a new you – a new you who will go out into the world to live and find love.

I am not saying that you must totally cast aside who you were in the past but a few tweaks could make a big difference in what the rest of your life looks like!

Here are 7 ways that you can reinvent yourself after your divorce, tried and true ways employed by me and my clients!

#1 – Take a good hard look at who you were in your marriage.

No matter whether someone leaves or was left in a marriage, there were two people in that marriage all along, two people who brought it to the place where divorce was an option.

It is important that, after a devastating divorce, you pause and figure out who you were in the marriage and what role your behavior played in the end of it.

For me, my husband left me for another woman. I was destroyed by the fact that he walked out on me. For a while I played the wronged woman card, someone who was abandoned through no fault of my own. Eventually, however, the role of the victim got old and I had to take a good hard look at the woman I had been in my marriage and how that person influenced its demise.

What was I like? I always put my kids first. And the dogs. And my friends. I always wanted things my way. Instead of telling him how I felt, I was passive aggressive. I treated him with contempt. I stopped being physical with him in any way.

Gosh – looking at myself as a whole, I wouldn’t have wanted to be married to me either.

Of course, me being this way didn’t happen in a void – he was responsible, to some extent, for my behaviors –  but the reality was that this was who I had been and who I could very well take into my next relationship.  I really didn’t want to do that.

So, in order to reinvent yourself, you must start at the beginning – understanding who you were before the divorce so that you can understand what exactly it is you need to reinvent.

#2 – Once you see yourself, consider how you want to do things differently.

Many people go out into their lives after a divorce, hoping that things will be different for them. Unfortunately many people don’t know exactly what specifically being different looks like. They just move forward, living their lives and dating, without any understanding of what specifically they want to do differently.

Once you have recognized the role that you played in your marriage, it’s time to dig deep and identify how you want to be going forward. For me, I knew that I wanted to be the kind of person who put other people first, at least some of the time. I wanted to learn to speak up for myself. I wanted to understand why I struggled with physicality when I was upset. I wanted to make sure that I treated a new partner with respect.

With this consciousness about what how I wanted to present in the world, I was able to set out to do so. Instead of throwing things against the wall to see what stuck, I was aware of how I was in relation to other people – how I treated them and how I let myself be treated.

By living consciously, I was able to make the change in myself that I sought to make. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen!

#3 – Reconnect with the person you were before you got married.

I am guessing that you are very different from the person you were when you got married. I know that, after 20 years of marriage and two kids, I couldn’t have been further from the girl who got married at 28.

That being said, that 28 year old girl, with her hopes and dreams, was still inside me. And, in order to move forward with my life in a meaningful way, getting in touch with her again was vital.

When I looked back at my younger self, I remembered how much I loved living in a city. I had been living in the country for a few decades and had forgotten. I was selling real estate at the time of my divorce but I remembered that I had always wanted to be a therapist. I had had dogs for 20 years but had always wanted a cat.

So, what did I do? I tried to revisit those dreams and see what I could do with them. To that end, I became a life coach. I moved to New York City and I got not one but two cats. For a while there, I felt like that 28 year old girl again, looking to the future with hopes and dreams, which set me off on the path to success at mid-life.

Are there things about your pre-marriage self that you might like to revisit? Do it!

reinvent yourself after divorce

#4 – Rearrange your space.

One of my favorite stories is about a client who, after her divorce, totally rearranged her house. If she had been in charge of the world she would have sold it but she couldn’t so she did the next best thing – she moved everything around.

First she got rid of everything that held any kind of negative energy from her marriage, even if they were things that she felt she “must” keep around for the kids. Then, she swapped the furniture in her living and master bedrooms. She bought herself a new bed and mattress and painted the bedroom walls a light pink, a color that her ex always hated. Before she knew it, she had a whole new space, one that was all hers. The vestiges of her marriage that had been bringing her down, something that she didn’t really realize was happening, were tossed out the door. Lighter and newly energized, she moved forward to get the life that she wanted.

#5 – Get out there and do something that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married, we tend to do married couple things. This isn’t a bad thing – it’s just often something that happens after years of marriage. What drops to the wayside are things that we want to do that our spouse might not want to or that there isn’t time for.

Now is the time to do those things.

What kind of things would you want to do? It can be things big or small. I always wanted to go to Peru. I did that. A client had always wanted to horseback ride. She did that. Perhaps its get a tattoo, or dye your hair blue, or pierce your nose (something my furniture rearranging client did). Perhaps its sleeping on the left side of the bed or sleeping later on the weekends.

Truly, doing whatever it is that you have always wanted to do, no matter how big or small, is a key part of reinventing yourself after a divorce. After all, part of your reinvention is being someone who has experiences that she didn’t have during her marriage.

#6 – Spend time with old friends and new.

For many of us, marriage leads to letting go of some friendships. Maybe it’s because a friend and a spouse didn’t get along. Perhaps its because of geographical distance. Perhaps its because of a lack of time. Perhaps its just apathy. For whatever reason, when we are married, we can let go of people who are important to us.

Now is the time to fix this!

Think about friends from your recent or distant past who it would be fun to reconnect with. I know for a client of mine, getting involved in a Zoom group of people she went to college with was life changing. They were people who she had shared a formative part of her life and reconnecting with these people put her in touch with who she was but also inspired her to think about what she wanted to do next. Outside of Zoom calls, she plays tennis with someone she didn’t know well in college but connected with in the group. She has traveled to Boulder and California to see other friends. She has plans for a girls trip to Mexico in the spring.

So, now that you are single and most likely have a little bit more time to yourself, make an effort to reach out to people from your past, and maybe make some new friends along the way.

#7 – Get yourself some professional support.

I know – none of us wants to get professional support, whether it be from a therapist or a life coach. After all, we are tough. We can get through these things on our own.

Unfortunately, in this case, reinventing yourself after your divorce might be nearly impossible without some kind of support.  Why? Because, more likely than not, you have never gone through a divorce before and, as a result, you have no idea how to manage it.

Of course, you have friends and family who want to support you and those friends and family love you but aren’t necessarily the best means of support. Friends and family are likely to tell you only what you want to hear, which isn’t always helpful. They might also bring their own experience or agenda into their support, like a sister who had a bitter divorce and wants to make sure that you do things the way that she did so that you can get a good outcome, even if its not the right outcome for you.

Talking to a life coach or therapist will help you get impartial, professional help from someone who has helped others through the experience. They will be supportive but they will also help you face some hard truths, truths that could be the key to you getting through the divorce and being able to reinvent yourself.

Look into finding some support. It doesn’t have to be forever – it just needs to get you through this difficult time.

#8 – Choose your social media carefully.

This is a really important one – really important.

When we are going through a tough break up, we often turn to social media to find support. After all, there are a jillion people out there who are willing to share their experience and their “expertise” with you. And it’s free.

Unfortunately, what you see on social media only reinforces how you are feeling or the way that you are thinking. It doesn’t give you an opportunity to learn or for growth. The algorithm will connect you with people who are feeling the way that you are now – angry, bitter or perhaps lost. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain. When you see those things over and over, it won’t help you move forward.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up,  I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity.

#9 – Have faith in yourself.

I am guessing that, in the aftermath of your divorce, you are struggling with low self-esteem. After all, for whatever reason, your marriage has failed. You had hoped to live happily ever after but it just didn’t happen.

As a result, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself, your place in the world and your prospects for the future. And I get it – I have been there.

What I want to remind you is that you are still here. You have survived your divorce and, instead of curled up in a ball on the couch, you are reading this, figuring out what is next. You might be beaten down and exhausted but you haven’t give up yet.

I always tell my clients that, more than likely, this isn’t the first time you have been beaten down. That you have felt overwhelmed and depleted and maybe even hopeless. You have been through hell and come out the other side at least somewhat intact. Perhaps a little bit battered but you have still emerged.

You will emerge again. The person you are right now isn’t the person who you will be forever. You will do what you need to do to move forward and you will get to a place where you will be happy and self-confident again.

If you can have faith in yourself and take the steps you need to take to move forward you will not only survive but you will thrive. I promise!

I know that the idea of being able to reinvent yourself after your divorce is daunting.

And I get it! Many many women have been in the boat that you are in now, feeling like they have lost their paddle. But, I can promise you, you have it in you to pick up that paddle and move forward in your life.

So, get up off the coach, take a look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. Because you can!

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