It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are newly involved with a married man or thinking about becoming involved, read this blog.

So many people slip into affairs, not really aware of what will happen to them if and when they do. Women think that its all about love and passion and finding your soulmate but it is WAY more complicated than that.

One of the most surprising things that women feel when they are involved with a married man is that they feel emotions other than the love they feel at the beginning. And most of those emotions are not good ones – in fact, they could very well make any woman’s life a miserable place.

Read on – I know that it might be hard to read these things but they will help you move forward, informed at the very least.

#1 – Like you have found your soulmate.

When someone first gets involved with a married man, the overwhelming love and passion that they feel for this person is intense. More often than not, affairs grow out of friendship, a friendship that has been established and in which confidences have been shared. Even before anything physical happens there is usually intense connection that is strong enough that you would consider having an affair.

Let me tell you – you have not found your soulmate. Yes, you have a wonderful friend who you have developed feelings for and you might feel like he knows you better than anyone else. And those things might be true. But that doesn’t mean you are soul mates.

What it means is that you and this person are living in a bubble made of your own feelings. You aren’t living life together dealing with the day in day out stuff.  You just have time and each other and nothing else in the world. As a result, your connection feels deeper than you think it really is.

And, as time goes on, and your married man is increasingly unavailable to you, you will hold on to that soulmate feeling, believing that because of this, you must be together!

#2-  You will feel incredibly alone.

I know that this is hard to imagine but women who are having an affair with a married man find themselves incredibly lonely much of the time.

Why does this happen? Two reason.

The first is that your married man has a life outside of you. He has a wife who needs him at home, kids to help with homework and soccer games to watch. He will spend holidays with them. He might not be around for your birthday. He might say that you are his priority but he just can’t put you first!

The second is that many women who have affairs with married men put their friendships on the back burner. Perhaps its because they don’t want their friends to know what is going on. But, more likely, the reason they do so is because they want to be available in case their married man is. So, instead of making plans with friends, they hang around home, waiting for their affair partner to call.

#3 – You will feel deceived.

Let me guess – is your married man promising that he will leave his wife. Does he promise that he will be there for your birthday? Does he promise you time away together? Does he ask you to just be patient as he takes his baby steps? (I can’t tell you how many men use that term – baby steps! I have always wondered why.)

And, does he constantly let you down by not following up on those promises? I am guessing yes.

This is one of the most insidious things about having an affair is having someone who you think is your soulmate lie to you over and over and over. To have him promise that he will be there for you and then not show up. To promise that his marriage is over. To promise that you are the priority. To make you promises over and over that he just doesn’t keep.

I 100% believe that when your married man makes his promises truly believing that he will be able to keep them. He truly believes that his marriage is over and that you are his priority and that he will leave his wife soon. But the reality is is that leaving his wife means leaving his family and messing up his finances and losing friends. Leaving his wife is way more complicated than he might have thought it was.

And, at the same time, he is desperate not to lose you. After all, you are the person in his life who loves him and has sex with him and who will listen to all his tales of woe. He doesn’t want to lose you.

And so, he lies. Over and over. Truly believing that what he says his true but proving over and over it not to be so.

#4 – You will go to bed every night feeling hopeless.

Be honest with yourself, does some part of you know that your guy isn’t going to leave his wife?  You want to believe it to be true but you know that it isn’t. And yet, you stick around, hoping that you are wrong.

And, does living with this knowledge make you feel hopeless? Have the repeated lies and disappointments and sadness made you wonder if you will ever truly be happy again? Do you despair that you will be alone forever, waiting for your soulmate to take action.

Do you spend every moment of every day thinking about this? Obsessing about him and every little thing that he says and does, and doesn’t do? Is this exhausting? Do you go to bed at night feeling despair that the same thing will happen again tomorrow?

I am sorry to say this but if you have an affair with a married man, you are going to spend a ton of time feeling hopeless – obsessing about something that you know might not happen. And the hopelessness can easily lead to depression – or worse – which will only make you feel more hopeless.

#5 – The guilt you feel will be overwhelming.

Ok – you are having an affair with a married man – a man who has a wife and, perhaps, children at home. This is something that you truly thought you would never do and yet here you doing it.

Do you feel guilty about it? Perhaps not yet but you will!

You will feel guilty because you know that you are doing something to another woman. Sure, your AF might say that she is a complete bitch and treats him horribly, but the reality is is that she is his wife. (And, probably, not as much a bitch as he says she is) She is a woman who is being lied to and deceived and you are a part of it. Not such a great look for woman to woman solidarity.

Furthermore, you will feel guilty because you are letting yourself down.  You are doing things that you know goes against everything that you believe in. And that will make you feel horrible about yourself and the person you are in the world.

And, unfortunately, that guilt will never pass. Even if the relationship ends, knowing that you let down both another woman and yourself will stick with you indefinitely.

#6 – You will be full of resentment.

If you were in a relationship with someone who was completely available, who wasn’t married, would you put up with the lying and the broken promises? Or would you know that the person is not the right person for you and walk away? This is an important question to ask yourself.

For some reason, women who are dating married men excuse away all the lies and deceit.  They believe that if they just stick around long enough, their guy will eventually do everything that they promised and everyone will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, many women get increasingly resentful of the lies and the broken promises. Of the time that they have to spend alone while their partner is with their family. Of the lack of hope they have to ever be happy or truly loved.

And the person that they feel resentful of is their married guy. And they are left, feeling at the same time deeply in love and deeply resentful. Not healthy.

#7 – Your self-esteem will plummet.

I have a client who is struggling with his self-esteem. He felt like, if he could just start feeling better about himself, his life would be better, particularly his marriage.

When I started to ask him about himself what I learned was that, while he had had emotionally unavailable parents, he was very well educated, he felt like he had lived a full life and he loved his job. What he did not have is a wife who supported him. She felt like he didn’t hustle enough and didn’t make enough money and she constantly nagged him about it.

No wonder his self-esteem is low.

It is the same thing with women who are involved with married men – their self-esteem can be decimated. Months and years of allowing someone to lie to them, of allowing them to make promises and then break them, of not being made a priority, even if they are told that they are. All of these things can really mess with someone’s head – and self-worth.

I know that, one year into an affair with a married man, I was the shell of the person I was before I met him. I had always been self-confident and happy – one year later I was miserable and hating myself.

#8 – You will feel increasingly helpless.

This in one of the hardest things about being involved with a married man – you are completely not in control of the situation. Whatever your married man chooses to do, you must stand by and wait and watch and hope that things will be different. You have no control over whether he leaves his wife or whether he shows ups on your birthday. And, as long as things stay the same, you never will.

What I tell many of my clients is that, while they might feel helpless, they really aren’t. Yes, they can’t control whether or not their married man leaves his wife but they can control their own actions!

They can choose to not put up with the lying. They can choose to not hope that things will turn out differently this time. They can also, most of all, choose to walk away. To get away from this situation and move on and find love somewhere else. They can choose that.

I know that you might feel like you just can’t do this, and I get it. But you do have the control to do so, should you choose to use it.

#9 – You will be angry. Very angry.

When you think back to the beginning of your affair, were you floating in a dreamland, sure that you were finally going to be happy? As time has passed and there have been a thousand little cuts as he lies to you, are you still floating? I am guessing not.

I am guessing that what you might be feeling is anger. Sure, when he is there, you might float a bit, but I am sure that at least part of the time that you spend together involves you arguing about what he isn’t doing. And, when he leaves and goes back to your family, you are left sad and frustrated, feelings that, more often, turn into angry.

You will be angry with him for deceiving you. You will be mad at his wife for not letting him go.  You will be mad at his kids because they are the priority. And, mostly, you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it all.

No one wants to be angry – it uses up so much energy and leaves us feeling depleted. And, when anger is part of our everyday life, especially if it is bound with depression, it can really tear us apart.

So there you go, 9 emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you and your married man are different. That your love is so strong that none of these things will happen to you. And I wish that I could agree with you, but I just can’t.

In my 10 years as a life coach, there hasn’t been a single instance where a woman didn’t feel all these things. The married men will break their promises, the women will forgive them and the cycle will repeat itself over and over, leaving everyone broken and depleted.

So, think carefully if you are about to embark on an affair with a married man. I know it seems like romance and lust right now but that will change. I promise. If you are already suffering in an affair, just know that you CAN CHANGE THINGS. It is possible to walk away and be happy. Many, many, many women do it everyday!

You can too!

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

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9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

In my experience, very few people set out to have an affair. One way or another, they fall into one – often not even aware that they are doing so.

For both men and women, there are life circumstances that can make one vulnerable to having an affair, things that are important to understand before going into an affair. I know that, for me, I was just plain lonely and bored and when my affair partner came along, he added something to my life that was exciting.

So, let me share with you 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair so that you can understand what issues you might be dealing with that are leading you down this path.

#1 – Their lives are lonely.

I would say that there if there was a number one thing that would make a woman vulnerable to having an affair, or that would lead to someone doing something that isn’t otherwise good for them, its because they are lonely.

Human beings are meant to have relationships, both platonic and romantic. When they don’t have those connections, they can sometimes be desperate to find them. This is the case with many trolls online – they are lonely with their only connection being the internet. For many of them, they are just so unhappy they behave in ways that they might not otherwise have done so.

There are many reasons that someone is lonely. Perhaps it is emotional abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps it is because they spend too much time focused on work and friendships have fallen by the wayside. Perhaps they are shy and have a hard time making friends. Whatever the reason, loneliness can make a woman vulnerable to infidelity.

So ask yourself if you are lonely. If yes, what can you do to fix that loneliness outside of having an affair?

#2 – They are bored, bored, bored.

If you have kids, you know when it is that they are mostly likely to cause trouble – when they are bored. When they have nothing to do and are looking for a little excitement. When its not readily available, they can make wrong choices to cause some drama, and therefore excitement.

Its the same thing with adults – if we are bored we can get ourselves in trouble. Perhaps we snack too much because there is nothing else to do. Or watch too much TV. Or spend too much time scrolling. Whatever we do, to fill the boredom we do things that aren’t necessarily good for us.

A client of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had always been the stay at home parent and he was a huge part of her life. When he was gone, that space was empty. Instead of having him to care for, she had nothing but empty space. And that empty space she finally filled by having an affair with a married man.

She was no longer bored but she was unhappy. That is the topic for another blog!

vulnerable to having an affair

#3 – They are feeling depressed and hopeless.

Other than heartbreak, I think that the worst feeling in the world is being depressed. For those of you who struggle with depression, you know what I am talking about.

When we are depressed we have no hope for the future. We feeling horrible about ourselves and the world around us. We might act out, trying to make others unhappy. Or we might isolate, not being able to tolerate the presence of others.

When we are depressed, we will find virtually anything that we can to ease that depression.

I have a client who was struggling with depression in a big way. She felt alone and hopeless. And then one day she started talking to a man at work who was depressed as well. For the first time in a long time, she felt understood. This mutual confession joined my client and her male friend and, before they knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

So, consider if you might be depressed. If you are so, consider getting some professional support to help you through it instead of using the feel good chemicals that come from an affair to temporary ease your pain.

#4 – They are struggling with low self-esteem.

Anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem can really struggle to make good choices.

Someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves and have no faith in themselves. They feel like they are losers who no one will ever find attractive. They believe that they will be alone forever. They believe that they will never be happy because they are the kind of person no one would ever want to be with.

As a result, someone with low self-esteem would be very vulnerable to having an affair.

Imagine if you felt really bad about yourself – how you look and who you are in the world. And then along comes someone who wants to be with you. Who admires you and lets you know it. That feeling would be amazing – one that you would want as much of you can.

Unfortunately, while at the beginning having an affair might boost your self esteem, know that, as the affair goes on, your self-esteem will deflate again. Being involved with someone who you shouldn’t be involved with, and not being able to let go, will only make you feel horrible about yourself.

#5 – They seek revenge for past wrongs.

This is not a common reason why women have affairs but it does happen.

Women can sometimes have affairs because they want to get revenge for something that has been done unto them.

I have a client whose husband fooled around on her, many times. She knew about the affairs and they devastated her but she was never able to find the courage to face him about it. When she was given the opportunity to have an affair, she leapt at it. After all, if he could do it, she could too. She hoped that she would cause him more pain then he had caused her.

Women can also be vulnerable to having an affair with the spouse of a woman who had wronged them. Again, in my experience, this is not common but it does happen. If someone feels betrayed by someone, if given the option to make that person hurt as much as they do, they just might jump at it.

Unfortunately, while having an affair might feel like you are getting revenge on someone, ultimately, you are only hurting yourself.

#6 – They want to feel noticed and admired.

For many women, they just want to feel admired. To be told that they are beautiful, smart, kind, funny etc. And, for many women, especially ones who are married, they don’t feel admired – they might even feel completely ignored.

Marriage and relationships often lead to complacency – to people no longer making the effort to make their person feel loved and admired. A partner might believe that they don’t need to tell their partner how they feel because they believe their person knows. Or perhaps they just don’t feel the admiration any longer because of lots of unresolved issues. Either way, if someone does not feel admired by someone they once loved, it would make them vulnerable to seeking out someone who does admire them.

And, of course, many women who are single also feel like they aren’t admired. They aren’t appreciated for who they are in the world. And this lack of recognition can lead to the low self esteem I mentioned above, making them vulnerable to having an affair with a married man.

So, consider whether you are feeling ignored. If yes, this new admiration that you are currently on the receiving end of might lead you to down the path to infidelity.

#7 – They have experienced trauma.

For many of us, dealing with trauma is something that we have little experience in. Therefore, when we experience a tragedy, we often have no idea how to deal with it.

And trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can be the death of a parent. It can be losing a dream job. It can be a divorce. Or the loss of a pet.

Whatever the reason, trauma can really shake up ones life and getting through it can be very difficult.

I had a client who was taking care of her mother as she slowly died from cancer. She was consumed with taking care of her mother, watching her suffer. The feelings that she were feeling were completely overwhelming.

When the parent of one of her son’s school friends reached out to her because he had experienced the same thing, she immediately connected with him. Not only did he understand what she was going through, he was proof that you could come out the other side of grief intact.

She spent more and more time with him, getting the emotional support that she needed to manage her mom’s cancer and, before she knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

Unfortunately, while the affair for a while helped ease her pain, with time, it only made things worse.

#8 – They have been abandoned emotionally.

I often say that its easier to be single and not getting love than being married and being emotionally abandoned. After all, there is someone right in front of them who should be filling their emotional needs and they are just failing to do so.

And, particularly for women, not having our emotional needs met can make us off kilter in a big way. We seek emotional connection wherever we can, just wanted to feel something from someone else.

What could be the best place to access this kind of emotional connection? Perhaps someone else who is feeling the same way – no longer loved by their partner. When two people who have been emotionally abandoned meet, they can see and feel, for the first time in a long time, what it feels like to be loved.

And that, I am afraid, is intoxicating.

#9 – They are horny.

Sex might seem, especially to someone who has never had an affair, as the reason why affairs happen. After all, this is how society tends to frame infidelity – all about the illicit sex.

That being said, in my experience, very few of my clients have an affair because they are seeking sex. More often, they are vulnerable for all the reasons that I listed above and, when they find that support dealing with these issues, the get support and they develop feelings.

And, for many people, they might develop feelings for this person but they firmly believe that they will never have sex with them. And then, because they get so connected to this person, they find themselves being intimate with them.

So, just wanting sex can definitely be something that makes a woman vulnerable to having an affair but, in my experience, it is more often a motivating factor for men instead of women.

So, there you go – 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair.

Of course, all women who are dealing with these issues won’t fall into having an affair. They will either live with them or seek help to deal with them, hopefully finding some peace in their lives. But, many women who are struggling with feeing generally bad about themselves and their place in the world are the kind of women who might seek solace somewhere, often finding it somewhere that, ultimately, might only make things worse!

 

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

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9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

When women enter into affairs with married men, they go in being overwhelmed with lust and love and believing that they have finally found their soul mate. Being with this man, even though he is married, is worth any risk.

And I get it. I have been there. But, let me tell you, as the affair drags on, that lust and love will fall to the wayside and other emotions will take over. And these emotions are not good.

Perhaps understanding the consequences of dating a married man before you start doing so will help you not enter into the affair in the first place and save you a whole lot of heartache.

To that end, here are 9 consequences of dating a married man for you to consider before you take next steps.

#1 – You will get addicted to the relationship and be unable to let go.

So many of my clients tell me that when they started their affair with a married man, they were determined to only get intimate once. They had fallen in love with their person over a period of time and with that love came attraction. They felt like feeling their emotions was ok but that having sex would be over the line. So, as the attraction built, they told themselves that they could get some release if they just had sex one time.

Yeah, right. I am afraid that it doesn’t work that way.

On the most basic level, when a woman has sex with someone she, more often than not, becomes more attached to that person. It doesn’t work this way for men but for women it does. So, when my clients have sex with their married man, they got more attached, not less.

And, as the relationship goes on, they could only focus on getting both that love and the affection. It became like an addiction. The feel-good chemical, dopamine, that was released every time they were together was something that they felt like they couldn’t live without. They developed a physical need to be with their person, no matter the consequences, all the time. When they didn’t get them, they sunk into a depression until the next time.

If you found yourself addicted to a drug or alcohol, it would be clear to see and perhaps you could get help. With a relationship with a married man, the addiction is harder to spot and therefore more insidious.

#2 – You will lose touch with who you are as a person.

When I was having an affair with a married man, I totally lost myself.

Before I started up with him, I was a woman in a great place in my life. I had recently moved to NYC, my coaching business was ramping up and I felt really strong and healthy. And then, the man who I had been in unrequited love with in college appeared on my doorstep and that was that for me. I put myself to the side and embarked on what promised to be the love affair of all love affairs.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

As the affair continued, I started to lose sight of everything that was good about me. I was no longer the single girl living my best life in NYC and I was now the pathetic other woman who waited around for a man to give her some time.

After a year of this, I found that I had become a shell of the person who I was when I fell in love with my married man. That person who had felt so good about her place in the world was gone.

dating a married man

#3 – You will put your own life on hold.

One of the worst part of being involved with a married man is that your time no longer becomes your own. Because your married man has a wife and a family and a whole other life, they will not be available to you at regular intervals. As a result, you will spend a ton of time alone, waiting for your man to become available. Time that you would have spent out there living your life will be spent waiting by the phone for your man to call.

Furthermore, the longer that you are involved with a married man, the less likely it will be that you can find someone else to love you, someone who is available and ready to build a relationship with you. Many women who are having affairs with married men try to date on the side, trying to get away from their married man. Let me tell you – it never works! As long as your energy is focused on your married man, you will never meet someone else.

Life is short. Wasting even a minute of it on someone who can’t give you the best life and who can’t make you a priority will only hold you back from living yours.

#4 – You could damage your relationship with your friends.

For many of my clients, when they are having a relationship with a married man they sometimes lose their friendships.

This happens for many reasons. They lose them because their friends don’t approve of what the affair or, worse, because the friends know that something is being kept from them if they aren’t told about what is going on. Or, they have to spend a ton of time processing the affair, giving out advice that is ignored. Or, they no longer get time with their friends because they are waiting around for their lover to have time for them.

Losing friends because of an affair is bad for many reasons. You are letting go of people you were with you when you weren’t with this guy, that person your friends loved. Not having friends who will spend time with you will only isolate you further. And, when you finally decide to let go of your married man (which you hopefully will), you will have no friends to help you get through it.

Take a look around at your friends – are they worth sacrificing for some guy?

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

Imagine spending the next period of time not being your man’s priority. Being the person who gets left alone on Christmases and your birthday. Who can’t travel because you want to be available for your lover. Who knows that there are many reasons why he won’t be there when you need him.

And, imagine being on the receiving end of promises that your man will leave his wife. Or that you are the love of his life and that he could never love his wife again. Or that he will be there when you need him. Being repeatedly made promises to that are broken.

If you are in a relationship where you are lied to and let down, its hard for it not to wreck your self esteem. After all, you are repeatedly treated like you aren’t a priority, like you are second choice to a man who loves you.

And, the more your self esteem gets damaged, the less likely you are to see that you deserve more than a half-assed relationship with a guy who truly isn’t available.

#6 – Your will no longer be able to trust any man.

One of the worst parts of being involved with a married man is the lies. The lies that he will be there when you need him; that he will leave his wife; that you will live happily ever after.

Now, I truly believe that many married men believe their promises, that they really will be able to put their lover first and leave their wives, but they NEVER do. I don’t know a single married man who has left his wife and lived happily ever after with his lover.

For a woman, being lied to over and over by someone who says they love them will ultimately scar them enough that the idea of ever trusting another man will be untenable. After all, if your lover can do this over and over, why can’t any other man?

#7 – You will become obsessed with him and the situation.

As I have said above, when you are in a relationship with a married man, you will lose yourself. Your self-esteem will be damaged. You might even lose your friends. And the primary reason for this is because you will become obsessed with the relationship and the idea that he won’t leave his wife.

Without exception, my clients who are having affairs with married men spend every minute of their day thinking about him and the situation. They think about when they will see them. What they will wear when they do. They wonder if their married man will have to change his plans. What if he can’t stay as long as he said he would?

Furthermore, my clients wonder why their married man won’t follow through on his promises – to leave his wife and to be with them. They think about it constantly and a significant part of the time they spend with their person is spent discussing just this topic – why he won’t leave.

My clients try to talk their partner into the reasons they should leave. They ask for details of every minute that their partner spend with their wives. They cry and scream and promise to leave, all in the vain attempt to settle the situation and ease their pain.

And, unfortunately, the obsession will never stop because your married man will never leave his wife, no matter what he promises. Leaving his wife means leaving his family and damaging his finances and that he will never do!

#8 – You will vitality will be sapped.

Think about how you take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. When you are depressed or angry or frustrated or whatever. Ideally, when you are feeling that way, you get outside and exercise, to work off your feelings.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that women don’t take care of themselves when they are feeling some way. They take to the couch with ice cream or they stay up all night watching “Love is Blind.” They stop sleeping and stop eating well and their mental and physical health slowly falls apart.

When someone is feeling unhealthy and not good about themselves, it is impossible to make a good decision about anything.  Having low self esteem and having difficulty thinking clearly only leads someone to continue to make bad decisions or to not make any decisions at all. As a result, they stay stuck in a situation, namely their affair, that is killing them.

#9 – You will not live happily ever after.

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking that none of the things above will apply to you and your lover. After all, your love is one for the ages and nothing is going to get in the way of the two of you being together. Your man worships you and will take the steps that he needs to take to keep his promises and make you happy.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way – and not because he doesn’t love you and you don’t have a good connection.

It happens because your lover is weak and just won’t be able to leave his wife and his family.

As I said above, a man might want to leave his wife because he is unhappy with her but he doesn’t want to leave his children. He doesn’t want to risk a healthy relationship with his kids. He doesn’t want to mess up the finances he has spent his adult life building. He doesn’t want to have to abandon the social life that he and his wife have created together.

And so, in spite of his promises and good intentions, your married man just won’t leave. I am sorry but it is true.

So there you go, 9 surprising consequences that will happen if you are dating a married man.

Again, most of my clients don’t believe when I share with them what I have learned over the years from working with hundreds of clients in the same situation. They truly believe that their relationship is different and that it will work out.

But, sooner than later, they see that I am correct. That they are miserable and that, even though they might hold out hope, their affair is not going to end the way that they hoped it would.

Again, your lover might love you – and I am sure he does – but being in affair will ensure that you no longer love yourself. This, I am afraid, will cause more destruction then you ever could image right now as you read this article, madly in love, thinking about having an affair.

7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t Want to Hear

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7 Truths about Your Married Man’s Marriage that You Don’t want to Hear

One thing that every single one of my clients who is having an affair with a married man talks about is how their man’s marriage is a disaster; that they don’t understand how he can exist in it and that it should be a no-brainer to leave. Every one.

And what I tell everyone of them is  – “Actually, it’s not that simple.”

Of course, no woman having an affair with a married man wants to hear this. Their man’s miserable marriage is a part of how women rationalize what they are doing.

That being said, it essential that you, the “other woman,” understand truths about your married man’s marriage so that you can move forward with 100% clarity.

#1 – His wife is not a complete raving lunatic, no matter what he says.

I am sure that you have heard over and over what a raging lunatic your married man’s wife is. Or how she is so depressed that she can’t function or that religion has taken over her life or that she is controlling and manipulative. And I am sure that you believe him. After all, why would he lie?

Now I am not saying that your married man is lying, per se, but rather that this description of her is his story and one that he is going to stick to. After all, how else can he justify himself having an affair?

What I can tell you is that every marriage is long and hard but that in every marriage there are two people. Over time, the 1000 little cuts that occur in a marriage can cause a myriad of hurts, hurts that that can wear someone down emotionally. As a result, married people don’t always behave as calmly or respectfully as they might like.

I am guessing that your married man has hurt his wife – as I am sure that she has hurt him. She hasn’t just become a raving lunatic overnight. Of course she might be unkind or disrespectful but she isn’t that way in a void. She is this way because she is unhappy. And she is, I promise, very unhappy in her marriage.

#2 – She is married to someone who would cheat on her.

Think about this one very carefully, especially if you are in an affair with a married man who you are hoping will leave his wife for you.

Your married man is the kind of person who would cheat on his wife.

I am guessing that you are rationalizing his behavior because he is desperately unhappy and what else could he do? That you are soul mates who are destined to be together. But the reality is is that there are many men who are unhappily married who don’t cheat.

Of course, being unhappily married is extremely difficult and ideally every man who is unhappily married would join with his wife to find support to manage this unhappiness. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. As a result, men can look for other means of coping, some of them healthy and some of them not. Perhaps they exercise more or spend time with friends. Or perhaps they work harder or, tragically, drink too much. Whatever their coping skills, what they don’t do is cheat. They abide by the vows of their marriage, in spite of what they are struggling with.

Your married man is not one of those men who has chosen a coping skill that does’t involve sex with another woman. Is that someone who you would want to be married to? Perhaps that she is married to the kind of man who would cheat is one of the reason that your married man’s wife is such a “bitch.”

#3 – Your married man and his wife are still very much a couple.

Let me guess. Has your married man told you that he and his wife aren’t even a couple anymore? That they never spend time together, they don’t have the same interests, they can’t agree on anything and that they never have sex? I am guessing that the answer to at least some of these things is “yes.”

Well, let me tell you that your married man and his wife are still very much a couple. While they might not get along all the time (or ever) they are still married. They have friends who they socialize with. They have extended family who are visited on holidays. They have children’s sporting events that are watched every weekend. There are family holidays that need to be taken. All of those things are things that your married man and his wife do together. And, I can promise you, that they do, at times, enjoy doing these things together.

Of particular note is the fact that your married man and his wife live in the same house. There are dinners to be had, TV shows to be watched, chores to be done. And, whether or not they have children, at times at least, they do these things together.

I know that he tells you that he and his wife never do things together but they do. Every day.

#4 – They were madly in love once too.

I know that this is hard to conceive of but your married man and his wife were madly in love once. They met, they fell in love, they got married. Even if he tells you that he never loved her, he did.

And, while they might not love each other they way they used to, or barely even at all, there is a love there, love that is born of longevity and shared experience. This is why so many people have a hard time letting go of relationships, even if they are toxic – because of past emotional experiences and time spent together.

So, while your married man says that he doesn’t love his wife, and maybe even never did, remember – he fell in love with her once and that love still exists on some level.

truths about your married man's marriage

#5 – They have mutual obligations to each other.

On the most practical level, your married man and his wife have obligations to each other. They probably have a mortgage or a lease. They might have a car loan and perhaps credit card debt. They might have children they share or a dog they are both very attached to. Your married man is in a relationship that he can not easily disentangle himself from.

Even more important, your married man probably feels like he has a responsibility to continue to take care of his wife. I have a few clients who are married men having affairs and, without exception, they feel like it is imperative that they continue to take care of their wives.

Even in this world where men and women are equal, men still have an instinctual compulsion to take care of their women and their children. In many marriages, the men make more money and their wives are financially reliant on them. Furthermore, many men feel that they are responsible for the health and safety of their wives. For the things that they need so that they can have a good life. They want to make sure that they are taken care of, no matter what.

And these compulsions are not things that your married man will walk away from easily. He might very well have been brought up to take care of women and, if he has been doing it for a long time, especially, he will have a very hard time letting go.

#6 – They have a history. And, most likely, a future.

This is another thing to consider when you hear your married man complain about how horrible his life and his marriage is. Your married man and his wife have history, and, maybe even a future.

Think about it. Your husband and his wife have shared a life. They have friends they might have known for years, probably friends who are also married. They each have an extended family and those families have mingled regularly. They have kids who they have watched grow up. They have shared experiences, both good and bad, experiences that have joined them in some way.

And – even if he does leave her and they get divorced – your married man and his wife will have a future together, especially if they have kids or pets.

I know that it feels like that if your married man leaves his wife, that will be that and you will live happily ever after. But the reality is is that your married man and his wife will always be connected. Perhaps he has to pay her alimony. Or they have to meet to exchange the kids. Perhaps their aging parents will get sick and they will need to support each other. They might see each other at social events. Whatever the reason, your married man and his wife have a future together. One that you most likely won’t be a part of.

# 7 – His wife is most likely in charge.

One of the things that I learned in my 20 years of marriage is that I was the one who was in charge of our lives.

While we might have started out as equals, as we bought a house and had kids and developed a social life, I was the one who took over. I was the one who managed the kids schedules, bought birthday and Christmas presents, planned social events and arranged vacations. And I was happy to do it – but only if it was done my way.

And my husband – he knew the rules and was nonetheless perfectly happy to do things this way.

What I know now is that most husbands just want to keep their wives happy. If their wives are happy, there is no drama and emotions to deal with and the chances that they will get sex is dramatically higher. As a result, they keep their heads down, try to follow instructions correctly and get through the day with their heads fully intact.

So, what does this mean? Why should her being in a charge mean anything to you? Because your married man is so used to following instructions that the chances that he will advocate for himself and get out of the marriage are infinitesimal. Your married guy knows that, if he asks for a divorce, there will be drama and emotions, both things that he just isn’t equipped to deal with.

I know that these truths about your married man’s marriage might be hard to accept.

After all, you are having an affair with a married man and you are living in a bubble.  You are living in a bubble where you believe that your love will conquer all. That he will see how much better his life will be if he is with you. That, ultimately, he will choose you.

Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you. Yes, you love him and are there for him and you have fun together and the sex is great but your married man is married. Your married man has a full life of which you are not a part of and his wife is. And this is a life that he most likely won’t, in spite of his promises, ultimately leave.

7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

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7 Steps Couples Must Take to Rebuild Trust After He Cheated And Save Their Relationship

Many people reach out to me wondering if they can ever rebuild trust with their partner after he cheated.

After all, learning that the person who says that they love them has stepped out on them is horrible; they are beyond devastated and not sure if their relationship can possibly be saved.

I always tell them not to despair – it might not be easy but it is possible to rebuild trust after he cheated. Its just a matter of understanding the steps to take to do so.

Here are the steps that I always encourage my clients to take so that they can rebuild their relationship and live happily every after.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are committed to rebuilding trust.

For many women, after discovering that their partner has cheated, they are so angry about the infidelity that they aren’t sure that they can ever get over it.

The picture in their mind of their partner’s affair partner is always at the forefront. The movie of their partner having sex with another person plays over and over in their head, often to the point that they can’t let it go. They have so many questions about what happened that their partner can’t answer. And their self-esteem is blown to shit.

Are you feeling this way? Probably, because you are reading this article. And I totally get it. I felt that way when I discovered that my ex had cheated on me.

The question is – can you, in spite of these images in your mind and the destruction of your self-esteem, see yourself forgiving your partner? Can you picture yourself staying with them even though they have hurt you so deeply?

It is important that you have an answer to this question before you start down the road to trying to heal your relationship. If you aren’t fully committed to making it work, it won’t work. That being said, if you aren’t sure if you can move on but would like to try, that is an answer too. Unless you are very clear in your mind that you are done, as many women are, then certainly take the next steps.

#2- Ask your partner if he is committing to doing the work.

So many of my clients say that they are going to fight for their relationship, that they aren’t quitters and that they aren’t going to quit now. And I always applaud a woman who isn’t a quitter but, unfortunately, sometimes not being a quitter doesn’t work the way they hope it will.

You see, to rebuild trust in a relationship, both couples must be willing to the work. Both people must be willing to dig deep and make the effort, to work together towards healing their relationship. If one person is all in and the other isn’t, rebuilding trust just won’t be possible.

I know that when my ex cheated on me, right away I was the one on the margins and he and his affair partner were the priority. I think that, in his mind, he believed he wanted to do the work and save our marriage, but, really, he was already aligned with his affair partner and wasn’t able to move forward with me. While I fought this for a while, ultimately, I knew that he wasn’t even remotely into fixing things and I moved on.

So, ask your partner if they are truly ready to do the work to rebuild trust, if they are committed to letting their affair partner go and moving forward as a couple, working to make change. If he is, then you are ready to take the next steps.

#3 – Ask the questions that you need to have answered.

I am sure that you have lots of questions that you would like answered. How the affair started. Who this person is who cheated with your partner. How often they met. How long the affair was going on. Why did they do it. And these are all valid questions that you might want answered. So ask them.

For many men, after it is discovered that they cheated, they actively want to rebuild trust and keep their relationship. Unfortunately, many men struggle to have the tools to make it happen. Most specifically, many men don’t want to discuss what happened but want to “let it go and move on.” They are angry with themselves for what they have done and how they have hurt their wives and they just don’t want to have to rehash what has happened. As a result, they aren’t willing to open up and answer their wives questions.

And, unfortunately, sweeping what happened under the rug will not be acceptable to any woman who is asking questions. She wants to know and that he isn’t willing to talk about it will not only shut down any progress towards healing but also cause her more pain.

That being said, I always tell my clients to understand what will happen if they have their questions answered. If they know the nitty gritty of what the affair looked like, that information will always be in their head, maybe preventing them from being able to get past what happened.

So, do ask the questions that you want answered but make sure that the information you need is something that will actually be helpful.

#4 – Ask yourself what you will need to feel like you can trust your partner again.

Trust is the key to every healthy relationship. Without it, a relationship has no hope of survival. That being said, for each person, trust looks like something else. It is important that you not only know what you will need to be able to trust your partner but that your partner will be willing to do those things for you.

What kind of things might work for you to rebuild trust?

Perhaps its being able to have access to his phone. Perhaps its knowing where heis at all times, at least for the foreseeable future. Its confirmation that he won’t have ANY contact with their affair partner. Perhaps its even talking to the affair partner (something that I NEVER recommend because the affair partner has no motivation to help you rebuild your relationship and will tell you things that could very well hinder your healing.).

So think about what kind of things will you need from your partner to help you feel like you can trust him again? And, even more importantly, will your partner be willing to give you those things?

#5 – Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

You might not be consciously aware of this but what has happened has most likely done a lot of damage to your self-esteem. You might be asking yourself what is wrong with you that your person cheated on you. You might be asking yourself if it was your personality or your body or your sex life that made your person step out on you.  You might be beating yourself up for not know that something was going on.

The reality is is that your partner cheating and its not because of anything that is wrong with you.  Yes, there is something going on in your relationship that gave your person the space to cheat on you but that thing isn’t all your fault. There are two people in every relationship and both people are responsible for making sure it stays healthy.

Now it is time for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Perhaps you need to spend more time with friends (not always processing what is going on but also doing things together that make you feel good). Perhaps it’s working out more, or even taking regular walks. Perhaps you need to get away for a weekend, or for him to go away for the weekend, so that you can get your thoughts together.

It’s important that you take time during this time of stress to take care of yourself so that you can believe in yourself again and be able to do the hard work that needs to be done.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#6 – Don’t scour TikTok looking for other women who have been cheated on but rather seek interactive support.

So many of my clients look to TikTok and Instagram to find the answers that they need to understand why their partner cheated and how to get past it. And, unfortunately, much of what they find on social media won’t be helpful.

The reality is is that the people who post on TikTok about infidelity in their relationship are often people who have not been able to heal things. They are bitter and angry about what has happened and are willing and eager to go on and on about their partner’s infidelity and what douchebags men are in general.

What you will not find online are people who have successfully been able to rebuild trust after he cheated. Why? Either because they are happy in their relationship and don’t feel like they need to go online and share or because the algorithm is built to entertain and way more people watch the ranting videos then any happy ones that might be out there.

Another reason that going on social media to find the answers to your questions is a bad idea is because everyone’s story is different. Everyone cheats for different reasons and everyone reacts differently to their partner cheating. If you see someone ranting on about their cheating partner and how they did X,Y and Z, you might be led to believe that your partner did that as well, even if they didn’t. And that won’t help you with your relationship.

What I encourage women to do is to try to find a support group, one that involves give and take. Relying on one person’s emotional and edited version of what happened just won’t help. Through a back and forth conversation, one can get a fuller picture of what happened in another relationship and then compare it to their own, is exactly what one needs to get good support.

So look for a support group online, or locally, where you can talk with other women about what happened and not be on the receiving end of someone’s vitriol.

#7 – Get some professional help, both individually and together.

I know – the idea of professional help is a yucky one. Spilling your dirty laundry to someone else can be embarrassing and humiliating. You might not feel like you have the time, or the money, to make it happen and you are therefore determined to go it alone.

Unfortunately, unless you have dealt with infidelity before and successfully come out the other side, you have no idea what you are doing here. Neither you nor your partner have the skills that you need to navigate this situation. Having someone there to guide you, whether a life coach or a therapist, will help you rebuild trust quicker.

I also encourage people to get individual help when dealing with infidelity. For you, you will have a lot of anger and hurt to process and will need some help understanding what has happened and work on rebuilding your self-esteem. Your partner will need to come to an understanding of why he cheated and what he needs to do going forward.

I am guessing that your partner will push back big time on going to therapy. Many men are therapy adverse and just don’t want to deal – especially if they are humiliated by what happened. I would encourage you to, if you are willing to get support, make him buying in a deal breaker. Again, you can’t do the work all by yourself – he needs to be willing to do the work as well.

I know that you feel like trying to rebuild trust after he cheated is a big job, one that is most likely feeling pretty daunting right now.

But I can promise you that you can do it. If you are committed to making it happen and committed to taking the steps that you must take to move forward, then you very well could rebuild your relationship and maybe even make it stronger for the future.

You can do it!

7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

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7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

Every day I talk to clients who are trying, and failing, to break up with their married man and make it stick.

They don’t want to break up with them because they don’t love them but because they just can’t take it anymore. They can’t take the broken promises, the not being made a priority, the lack of understanding about the torture that they are going through.

They have tried and tried to be patient while their married man takes “baby steps” and they have finally decided that its time to break up and move on.

The issue is is that they have tried to break up over and over and over and it has never stuck. They have stayed away for a few days, weeks or months but always get sucked back in. How, they wonder, to do things differently this time around?

Many, many of my clients have left their married man and moved on to find true happiness. In fact, I did too. Let me share how those of us made it to the other side did so, so you too can finally leave your married man and get the life you want!

#1 – Are you sure that you want to do this?

This is the first step to making a break up with your married man stick. You must be determined to really do it this time.

How many times have you broken up with your person only to suffer unthinkable pain and ultimately reunite with them? He renews his promises and you have wonderful make up sex and you start to believe again. How long after this reunion did you begin to suffer again? Hours, most likely; if you are lucky maybe 24 hours.

I always point out to my clients what a waste of time and energy a break up is if you aren’t fully committed. Putting yourself through the pain and then letting yourself down by letting him back in isn’t good for one’s mental health. Doing so over and over can be life sucking. I know that, after 1.5 years trying to break up with my married man, I was a shell of myself.

So, before you follow the next steps, ask yourself if you are truly ready to do this. If you aren’t, bookmark this article for when you are!

#2 – You must definitively inform him that its over.

For many of my clients, when they get to the end of their rope, again, they often, in a fit of anger, block their guy and swear that they will never talk to them again. In the moment, they mean it. And then the anger fades and their resolution wavers.

I always tell my clients that they need to tell their affair partner that they are done. They need to make it very clear that their affair partner respect what they are asking for, namely letting them go once and for all. The affair partner must agree to not contact them at all and to fully grasp the pain that they have been causing.

This can be done either in person or via text but it must be done – the married man MUST understand that the break up will stick this time.

Your married man doesn’t want to let you go. Yes, he might be causing your tremendous pain but it is his needs, and the needs of his wife and family, that he is putting first.

Your married man needs you. He needs you to adore him, to be there when he needs you, to have great affair sex with and to give him some (misguided) hope for the future. If he loses you, he will be left with nothing, just an unhappy marriage and memories of you. He also knows that, if he lets you go, you will most likely find someone else and live happily ever after.

So, your married man isn’t going to just let you go – it will be on you to make it happen. Start by telling him that this is what you need him to do.

#3 – You must commit to having no contact with him.

I am guessing that you and your married man started out as friends and that, in an ideal world, you would maintain that friendship. I am sorry to say, its not going to happen.

An essential element of making your break up stick this time around is to not be in contact with your married man at all. No texting. No talking. No checking out their social media. No seeking closure. No being where you know they will be. NOTHING. Even on birthdays and anniversaries and holidays and special events. NOTHING.

The reality is is that any contact with your married man will carry the risk that you will let him back in. And, any contact that you have with your married man will cancel out any progress that you have made in letting him go. Unless you aren’t in contact with him, then you won’t be able to let him go.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you could never block someone – its so rude. And I want to tell you that that is just a justification. If someone where contacting you who you didn’t like or made you uncomfortable you would block them. You just don’t want to block your married man because you want to keep the door open for him to come back someday. I can promise you, if you block your married guy and he gets his shit together, he will do whatever he needs to do to contact you – he won’t need your phone number.

I absolutely can not understate the importance that going “no contact” will have in your ability to let go of your married man once and for all. So do it, for the sake of your future.

#4 – You must have to ride out the pain, no matter how bad it is.

Without exception, my clients who go back to their married men do so because the pain of the break up is so intense that they can’t deal with it. One of my clients described it as a physical pain so intense she believed that she was going to die. No one, I pointed out, has ever died of a broken heart.

Yes, there is nothing worse than the pain of a broken heart. Nothing. But the thing about broken hearts is that they heal. Times goes by, pain lessens and hearts become whole. And then life goes on, maybe with a dull ache in the background but it goes on, most often in a wonderful way.

BUT, let me ask you. Are you in pain every day because of what is happening with your married man? Have you lost friends, have your work and your health suffered, have you lost your self-respect the long this affair goes on? I am sure that pain that you are feeling is huge – how can it not be.

If you stay with your married man, this pain will continue. As long as he keeps breaking his promises (which he will) you will daily feel pain. If, on the other hand, you can let him go, the pain will pass. You will have the chance to live a real life, not one tormented by what could be.

So, consider your pain. It might seem worse than the pain that you were feeling before the break up but is it really?

break up with your married man

#5 – Write up a list of all of the reasons you are breaking up with him.

I have a client who, when I asked her to make a list of the things about her guy that lead her to break up with him, told me that there was nothing. That he was a really great guy and that she couldn’t think of one thing wrong with him. Ok, I said, let’s dig a little big deeper.

Does your married man make you a priority? No. Does your married man abandon you at the last minute because of family obligations? Yes. Does your married man make promises over and over, only to break them? Yes. Does he care enough about your suffering to do anything about it, one way or another? No.

So, there was plenty of things that was wrong with my client’s married man; they were just things that she didn’t think of when she thought about him. Like many women in love with married men, they tuck those things in the back of mind to justify staying.

Make a list, in writing, of the reasons that you need to break up with him is a key aspect of making it stick. When you are away from your guy, you will only remember the good things. The daily pains will fade and you will be left only with the happy memories. And these memories will lead you down the path to him again. I always encourage my client to refer to the list when they feel like their sentimentality is getting the best of them, to remind them of why they had to leave and why they need to stay away.

#6 – You must fully accept he will never leave his wife. Never.

Be honest, when you do a Google search about whether your married man will leave his wife, do you find any happily ever after stories? Do you find heartwarming tales of a man leaving his wife, marrying his affair partner, seamlessly integrating her into is family and living happily ever after.

No, you don’t.

That is because this married man will never leave his wife. He might believe that he will, and hence the promises, but he won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means not seeing his kids every day, giving away half of his money and perhaps ruining his reputation. Leaving his wife might seem simple but its the rest of the stuff that complicates matters and makes him stay.

I do believe that married men truly do believe the promises that they make to their affair partners – that they genuinely believe that they will be able to leave their wives and be with them. Unfortunately, in my 10 years as a life coach, not one of them ever has. Some of them are even told by their wives to leave and still they stay.

So, don’t kid yourself. You will never have him.

#7 – Understand that you will never get your happily ever after.

Ok, let’s say you don’t believe me that your partner will leave his wife and still you picture your ideal life together. How based in reality is that ideal? Really.

The reality is is that you have been having an affair with this man. You will never, I mean never, be accepted by his family, his children, his social circle. They might tolerate you, but they will never fully accept you. You will spend the rest of your life at odds with the people who your partner loves best. And, these odds could very well be the thing that causes him to resent you and ultimately drives you apart.

Another thing is that you don’t really know this guy. You guys have a wonderful relationship that exists in a bubble, a bubble where there is no conflict over kids or money or mothers-in-law. All you have is time together.

But who is this guy out and about in the world? I know that when my married guy (temporarily) left his wife, I called a friend, concerned that this man who I considered the love of my life was really just a boring guy from Connecticut. What a let down.

So, recognized that this image that you have in your head about happily ever after just isn’t going to happen. I am sorry but it isn’t.

It is my strongest wish that you have read this list and are inspired to let go of your married guy once and for all and more forward to get the life that you want. And I totally understand if you have read this list and just aren’t ready yet.

The reality is is that someday you will hit your limit – that you will be done with the thousand little cuts that you are living with. That you will no longer tolerate being the woman who cheats with another woman’s man. (You know – she isn’t the raging bitch that he says she is – she is a woman stuck in an unhappy woman with a man who is capable of infidelity) That you know that, for the sake of your health and sanity, you must walk away.

When you are ready to do that, this list will help you do so – it will give you the strength and the clarity that you to join the millions of other women out there who had affairs with married man and found the strength to leave them. Women who are now, like happily married me, living happily ever after.

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

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7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

7 Surprising Signs of a Cheating Spouse

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As long as there has been marriage there has been infidelity. Not that its okay – it just is.

Traditionally, signs of cheating have been obvious. The cheater spends more time away from home. They can be difficult to reach. They aren’t always honest about how they spend their time. Perhaps a stray love letter or text gets discovered.

And, while those things can be signs of infidelity, there are signs of a cheating spouse that are harder to identify. Knowing what they are might help you glean the truth about what is happening in your marriage so that you can decide next steps for yourself!

#1 – They look different.

Take a good look at your spouse (something that perhaps you haven’t done for a while because they are, well, your spouse and you don’t notice them as much as you used to?).

Do you see anything different? Are they wearing their hair differently? Are they wearing something that you have never seen before? Are they shaving places that they haven’t groomed for years?

For many people who embark upon affairs, the things that they had neglected for years, like how they dress or how they present themselves, often get renewed attention.

For people who are cheating, they want to look good for their person. They want to feel desirable. They might even want to mold themselves into someone their person might want them to be.

So, does your spouse look even a little bit different than they usually do? If yes, there is a chance that it could be a sign that they might be cheating.

#2-  There are strange things in the garbage can.

I know, I know. Why should you go pawing through the garbage to find signs that your spouse is cheating? It seems a little bit extreme, no? Unfortunately, it is not.

People who are in affairs, much like that they groom themselves differently, might buy things that they don’t usually buy. And, often, I don’t know why, they carelessly toss detritus from those items in the trash.

What kind of items? Usually small ones, like sales tags or receipts. Sometimes its bigger – perhaps packaging. Sometimes they even discard the shop bag. In our throw away society, we don’t tend to think about trash consciously so we often just toss it aside without thinking.

So, if you are noticing some unusual items in your trash, pay attention. It could be a sign that your spouse is up to something.

#3 – They seem distracted.

Most of my clients who are having affairs tell me that they are incredibly distracted.

They find that they can’t concentrate on work. That at the family dinner table they don’t engage in conversation. They say that they forget simple things, like taking a pot off the stove. They miss appointments and are late picking up their kids from school.

Does your spouse seem unusually distracted? Do they seem distant and sometimes incommunicative? Do they forget things that they have never forgotten before?

This could be a sign that something is going on and might merit some extra attention.

#4 – Their friends are acting strange.

When someone is having an affair, the desire to keep it a secret and the need to share what is happening are in conflict. Affairs are exciting and messy and many people, in spite of their best interests, need someone to confide in.

While, ideally, a cheater would be seeking professional help to address what they are doing, more often, they seek support from a friend. And friends, unfortunately, aren’t always good at keeping a secret or at keeping a poker face.

So, how are your spouse’s friends behaving? Are any of them distant? Do any of them say strange things, things that you don’t understand? Do you find your spouse spending more time with them than usual?

Our spouse’s friends can often be their worst enemies. Pay attention to their interaction with their friends and their friends’ interactions with you. If anything has changed, it could be a sign that your spouse is cheating.

#5 – They are more emotional than usual.

Affairs bring out emotions, in more ways that one.

Of course there is excitement and passion – obviously. But there is also guilt. And shame. And confusion. All things that, when push comes to shove, can be completely overwhelming.

For a client of mine, she found that she was crying all the time. She loved her affair partner madly but she also was overwhelmed by her feelings of guilt for her spouse. She also was desperately unhappy in her marriage and that made her incredibly sad as well.

As a result, my client found that she was crying all the time. Furthermore, she found that she was impatient and quick to anger. These were emotions that she had never experienced and she was overwhelmed by them.

And her husband? He had no idea what to do with his wife’s emotions.  They had always scared him but their new intensity was overwhelming.

So, how is your partner’s emotional regulation? Do you find that they are more emotional than usual? If yes, it could be a sign that they are being unfaithful.

 

signs of a cheating spouse

signs of a cheating spouse

#6 – They want more sex.

Yes, I know that this one is counterintuitive – why would someone who is having an affair want more sex.

When someone is having an affair, particularly at the beginning, their hormones are in overdrive. Their need to touch and be touched is intense. They are constantly thinking about sex. They are pulsing with feel good hormones.  Sex is a driving force in their lives.

This happens, too, when we are in any new relationship – the attraction is part of what makes that period of time so much fun.

Ironically, the affair partner is not always available to fulfill this sexual need and, therefore, the cheater turns to their spouse to scratch their itch. Horrible, I know.

So, is your spouse more interested in sex then they have been for a while? If yes, pay attention.

#7 – Your gut tells you so.

This is that biggest sign to look out for and the one that we ignore all the time – our gut.

Our gut is the thing that keeps human beings alive. It’s the thing that signals danger so that we can get away from what threatens us. It tells us that what we are seeing isn’t necessarily the truth. It warns us when we are making a choice that isn’t right for us.

In short, our gut is our red flag spotter. And it’s something that we, more often than not, ignore.

I have a client whose husband has started buying new underwear. He is working out. He spends a lot of time walking on the beach, where there is no cell service. He is more impatient with her than usual.

For me, I see all the signs of infidelity. For her, she absolutely refuses to believe that it is possible – her gut tells her so! As a result, she is miserable and living a life that isn’t satisfying her. Ultimately, I am afraid, she will find out the truth and it will be devastating for her.

So there you are – 7 surprising signs that your spouse might be cheating.

Of courses, all of the things that I have written about are not necessarily signs of infidelity. But they are things to look out for and, if these things are found in combination, might be meaningful.

I know that they are small things but it is small things that make the difference in life. And small things that we often miss. Small things that noticing might be life changing.

If you are suspecting that your spouse might be cheating, keep an eye out for the small things. You will be glad that you did!

5 Pros and Cons of Dating a Married Man

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Let me say first and foremost that having an affair with a married man is a really bad idea. For so many reasons.

If you are having one, you probably know this. If you are thinking about having one, read this article carefully!

Years ago, I had an affair with a married man so the information that I share below I know first hand. I also know, from my clients, that they are true of every woman having an affair with a married man.

Without further ado, here are 5 pros and cons of dating a married man so that you can be aware of what you are getting yourself into.

Pro: You won’t have to commit.

For many women, committing to a relationship is not something that they are interested in.

Whether it’s because they have a life they don’t want to change or whether they aren’t willing to make their heart vulnerable, they are happy to have something on the side but don’t want to have to be obligated.

Con: You will be alone more than you want to be.

Of course, if we choose to not commit and to have space that is great. But, if we WANT to spend time with our person it won’t feel good that they , more often than not, will not be available.

Why? Because your married man has a family and a life. Those things will always come first.

Pro: You will feel love like you have never felt before.

When you are involved with a married man, you will be living inside a bubble, a bubble without extended family or financial worries or kids issues. As a result, your love will only feel wonderful and you will believe that the two of you are soulmates, destined to  live happily ever after.

Con: That love will be not be enough.

You live in a bubble. The time you share just isn’t a reflection of real life. Therefore, you are in love with a man you don’t really know, a man who exists for you without all the issues of real life.

I know that when I got to start spending time in the real world with my married man, I found out that he was BORING and I had to walk away.

Two red hearts with a broken one on them.

Pro: You will be promised the world.

Married men are so thankful that they have someone to love them and have sex with them and listen to their tales of woe that they are willing to do anything to keep their lover.

And they truly believe that they are strong enough to follow through and leave their wife and you will live happily ever after.

Con: They will (often unintentionally) be lying to you.

Married men truly do believe that they will do what they say that they are going to do – leave their wives. But, the reality is, I have never known a man to leave his wife and, if he does, he only does it for a short while and then he goes back home.

The reason that your married man won’t leave his wife is not because he doesn’t love you enough but because leaving his wife means leaving his family, wrecking his finances and damaging his social life, all things that he has spent years building and things that he doesn’t want to abandon.

Pro: You will believe that you have found your soul mate.

As I said before, many women who have affairs with married men believe that they have found their soulmate. The one person who truly gets them and who gives them the love that they have always sought.

Con: You haven’t

How can the person who is your soulmate hurt you over and over and over? How can they make you promises and not follow through? How can they say that you are the most important thing in the world to him and then not be there when you want or need them?

Pro: You will feel beautiful and sexy and lovable.

Sure, you will feel all of those things when you are dating a married man.

Your relationship is fresh and new and that is when women feel most loved.

Furthermore, your married man will admire the independent woman that you are, out in the world, living your life while he is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

And, of course, he believes that you are his soul mate and his life raft and he will flood you will platitudes and gifts and moments of pleasure because he wants to keep you happy enough.

Con: You will lose yourself.

I know that when I met my married guy, I was a confident single person in the world. I had just moved to NYC, I was fitter than I had ever been in my life, I was building a business and had great friends.

And, then, I met him and, for a while things were great. Until they weren’t.

The broken promises, the not being a priority, the time spent a long, the hopelessness that I felt for the future all brought me to my knees.

I was a shell of the person I was before I met him, a shadow that didn’t go away until I walked away.

So there you go, 5 pros and cons of dating a married man.

There are many more cons that I could share with you but I will leave it there. I am guessing you get the idea.

Again, I am not advocating for having an affair with a married man. As a matter of fact, I wish I could reach through this blog and warn YOU of the dangers that lie ahead if you go down this road.

But, it’s up to you to make this decision. Think long and hard before you do – you will be happy you did!

5 Lies Your Married Men Will Tell You Over and Over

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are in a relationship with a married man and that it’s not going well. Or, perhaps, you are considering getting involved with a married man and you are doing some research ahead of time.

Good for you. Because getting involved with a married man is one of the most heartbreaking, soul crushing things that you could ever do.

Why? Because your entire relationship will be based on lies, some of them lies he doesn’t even know that he is telling.

There will be many lies that your married man will tell you – here are 5 of them.

#1 – That you are his top priority.

Does your married man always tell you that you are his top priority. That every choice he makes and everything that he does is with you at the top of his mind?

Even as he says these things, do his actions speak louder than his words? I am guessing yes – that you never, ever feel like a priority.

How can a man make you a priority when you are a secret? Your married man essentially has two lives – the real one in which he has a wife, a family, a social life, a career, perhaps even a pet, and then the one he has with you, inside your little bubble.

And societal exceptions are such that your married man must step up and take care of his family and his work and therefore, he must choose them every time. If he doesn’t, and he can’t give reason to why he is slacking, your man will lose face. He won’t feel like the man who he should be, living up to his responsibilities, and he won’t feel good about that.

So know that, every time, he will make his real life the priority, even if he doesn’t believe that he will. He will choose his real life over your birthday and when you are sick or when you are lonely.

I do believe that your married man might believe that he makes you a priority but the reality is that, even if he wanted to, he just can’t.

#2 – That he will leave his wife.

I know – this is one you lie you will hear over and over and over – that he will leave his wife and you will be together.

And, as much as your guy might want to believe that he will, he won’t.

Why? Because it’s not just about leaving his wife. It’s about leaving his kids and his social group and damaging his finances and disappointing people he cares about.

I have a client whose affair partner told her that he was ready to leave his wife. His wife had learned about the affair and was making his life miserable and he wanted out.

His wife gave him thirty days to make a choice – his wife or his affair partner. And, even though for 2 years he had told his affair partner that he wanted out of the marriage, and swearing that this time he was going to do it, he didn’t leave his wife. He stayed with the wife he didn’t want to be married to but also with the kids and the grandkids who he loved very much.

I know that you are thinking that your married man cares about you – very much – and that things will be different with you. And I am sure that he wants to be with you as well but, I am afraid, only in a parallel world – one where he can be with you and not hurt those he loves and destroy his finances.

#3 – That you are his soul mate.

Every single client I have ever had who had an affair told me that their affair partner was their soul mate. That they had a connection like none other and that they were cosmically meant to be together. I felt that way too, when I was having an affair with a married man, so I get it.

But, it’s bullshit, I am afraid.

The two of you have come together in a bubble. Everything that you share is magical because the time you have together is brief and intense. You don’t have to fight about money and kids.  You have amazing sex. You can tell each other anything. You even say you trust each other.

The reality is is that, on the most basic level, this guy is not your soul mate. How could your soul mate be someone who treats you this way. Someone who breaks promises and doesn’t do what he says he is going to do.

And, be honest with yourself. If you were with this guy in the real world, not the guy you believe that he could be but the guy he is right now, would you really live happily ever after? Or do you see some serious red flags that might have caused you to walk away from someone who wasn’t married and with whom you were just dating?

If you insist on thinking that your affair partner is your soul mate, consider this:  Elizabeth Gilbert, in “Eat Pray Love,†avers that soul mates are people who come into your life, shake things up and then walk away. And isn’t this what this guy has done? Hasn’t he woken you up to what you want in a relationship? Hasn’t he made you question how you make choices? Hasn’t it made you remember how good sex can be? Maybe you should walk away from your married man and find out who exactly YOU can be!

Again, while your married man might say that you are his soul mate, when you are lying in your bed at 2am, lonely again, ask yourself whether what he says is true.

#4 – That he doesn’t want to hurt you.

I am guessing that your affair partner tells you every day that he doesn’t want to hurt you. That he loves you and that you are his priority and that any pain that he causes you causes him pain as well.

And I’m guessing that he means it, to an extent. But if he really didn’t want to hurt you, he would give you what you needed instead of telling you one thing and doing something differently, instead of stringing you along, making you miserable.

Nobody wants to hurt someone who they care about. Your affair partner doesn’t want to hurt you, but he also don’t want to hurt his wife or his children so, in order to not hurt you, they must hurt them. And vice versa. And he knows this.

Again, this one is most likely not an intentional lie, and it is something that he says that he doesn’t want to do but it is something that he will do over and over.

So every time your partner says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, just know that he’s lying. That he will continue to hurt you over and over because he will never make you a priority and will choose to hurt you over hurting his wife and family.

#5 – That his unhappiness is all his wife’s fault.

I also have to say, quite bluntly, that it’s just bullshit if your married man is telling you that him being unhappy is all his wife’s fault.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients tell me that their affair partner’s wife refuses to have sex with them, or treats them horribly or never listens to them or has lost all respect for them or any other horrible thing that he believes to be true in his marriage.

But think about it. I’m sure you have friends who are in unhappy relationships, and they don’t always treat their partners as well as they might because of their unhappiness. I am sure you have even been there. None of them are bad people – they are just unhappy.

And bad behavior doesn’t happen in a void. One person doesn’t just become evil while the other one stands innocently by, unbelieving.

Remember, there are two people in every relationship and two different perspectives about that relationship. If you believe that your affair partners wife is everything that he says she is, you’ll just be believing a lie.

Furthermore, know that,  if you do end up with him, you might someday be the person he will blame if your relationship has trouble. You want to be with someone who recognizes his role around difficulties in a relationship and not blame them all on someone else.

So there you go, five lies your married men will tell you, over and over and over.

Nobody wants to lie and, more likely not, your married man doesn’t believe that he is lying. He believes that he is the man he is presenting to you. He believes that you are his top priority and that he will leave his wife and that you are his soulmate and that his unhappiness is his wife’s fault. But the reality is, he is a product of wishful thinking. He is somebody who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who hasn’t taken any responsibility for issues in his relationship.

As a result, to protect himself, he lies, over and over.

Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who lies to you again and again? If your married man wasn’t married and you were just in a regular relationship, would you put up with these kind of lies?

I’m guessing not.

Don’t put up with them in this situation. Walk away…you deserve more.

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