6 Important Steps to Handling Betrayal Triggers and Finding The Love You Seek

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There are very few among us who haven’t been betrayed by a partner in one way or another. And those betrayals can stick with us, no matter how hard we work to let them go.

As a result, betrayal triggers can unexpectedly pull you into past pain, activating emotional and physical stress responses like anxiety, anger, or panic.

Fortunately, it is possible to learn how to manage those triggers, even if you have a hard time letting them go.

Here’s how!

5 Steps to Handle Betrayal Triggers: A Visual Guide to Emotional Recovery

5 Steps to Handle Betrayal Triggers: A Visual Guide to Emotional Recovery

#1 – Identify and Name Your Triggers

The first step in managing betrayal triggers is learning to recognize them as they happen. Pay close attention to physical reactions like a racing heart, sweaty palms, tightness in your chest, or even nausea. [7][1] These are your body’s way of signaling that your nervous system has been activated by a trauma response.

If you find yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed or reacting more strongly than the situation might seem to warrant, pause and take a moment to pinpoint the specific cause. [7][8] Was it a certain word? Someone’s tone? A location? A specific action.

A great thing to do is to keep stock of these moments by identifying the trigger and sorting it into categories like:

  • Situational: Certain places, dates, or anniversaries.
  • Sensory: Specific smells, sounds, or visuals.
  • Verbal: Words or phrases that hit a nerve.
  • Internal: Intrusive memories that resurface unexpectedly. [1][3][4][8]

By recognizing these patterns, you’ll be better equipped to take the next step: naming your triggers.

“Triggers are a universal experience of trauma survivors everywhere… reminders of that event, and the feelings and thoughts that came with it, can be overwhelming, unexpected, and extremely scary.” – Coach Cat, APSATS trained coach [7]

When you name, or label, a trigger, you shift your brain from an automatic emotional reaction to a more rational, grounded response. [1] For example, saying something as simple as, “I feel unprotected right now,” or acknowledging, “My chest feels tight,” can help you start to process the experience. [1][9]

“Naming your emotions can help make them more understandable and tolerable. It also helps you feel in control of your feelings rather than having them control you.” – MindWell NYC [9]

Labeling your triggers reduces emotional reactivity and gives you the ability to respond thoughtfully rather than being overwhelmed. [1] This is a crucial step toward emotional regulation because it helps to minimize the fight, flight, or freeze reactions that often come with trauma. [4][7] To deepen this practice, try journaling about your triggers, your emotions, and any memories they bring up. Over time, this can reveal patterns and help you develop strategies to manage them. [6][7]

#2 – Learn How To Understand Your Body’s Response

For many of us, when those triggers hit, the worst part is what we feel in our body. It can be very scary and overwhelming and may even shut us down. Understanding why this happens can be helpful.

When faced with a betrayal trigger, your brain’s amygdala kicks into high gear, activating the fight, flight, or freeze response. Essentially, your nervous system treats betrayal as though it’s a physical threat – a full-blown emergency.

This response floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline, leading to physical symptoms like a racing heartbeat, tightness in your chest, tense muscles, digestive problems, and even chronic fatigue. At the same time, your brain shifts focus away from the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for rational thinking and decision-making.

“Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats when it comes to survival.” – Prescott House [1]

Your brain may also latch onto sensory details from the original betrayal. Later, when similar cues arise, your body reacts as if the betrayal is happening all over again. This explains why you might experience hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, or that frustrating brain fog. While these reactions can feel overwhelming, they’re actually your body’s way of trying to protect you – not a reflection of personal failure.

Its also important to note that the intense physical and emotional reactions you experience aren’t signs of weakness or overreaction. They’re automatic protective mechanisms that your nervous system uses to shield you from further harm. Recognizing this can help you approach these feelings with less self-judgment. The shock, anger, panic, or helplessness you feel are completely normal responses to a deep breach of trust.

“These symptoms are not signs of weakness. They are your body and brain’s natural responses to feeling deeply unsafe after a violation of trust.” – MindWell NYC [10]

Understanding how your triggers connect to your body’s automatic responses is an important step toward managing them and regaining a sense of control.

#3 – Use Grounding and Calming Techniques

Recognizing how your body reacts to stress is the first step in breaking the cycle. Grounding techniques are designed to shift your focus away from overwhelming emotions and bring you back to the present moment. Dr. Melissa Young, a Functional Medicine Specialist at Cleveland Clinic, describes it perfectly:

“Grounding techniques are the thing that can keep you rooted and safe, like a tree in the face of strong winds.” [11]

These practices allow you to observe your emotions without acting on them impulsively, giving you the mental space to respond thoughtfully rather than being swept away by panic or frustration.

One popular grounding method is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, which uses your senses to anchor you. Pause and identify:

  • 5 Visual cues: Things you can see around you.
  • 4 Tactile cues: Things you can touch.
  • 3 Auditory cues: Sounds you can hear.
  • 2 Olfactory cues: Scents you can smell.
  • 1 Gustatory cue: Something you can taste.

This exercise pulls your attention away from distressing thoughts and redirects it to your immediate environment.

Another helpful tool is the butterfly hug. Cross your arms over your chest and gently tap your shoulders in an alternating pattern. This simple action can help regulate your nervous system. For a more intense grounding experience, hold an ice cube or splash cold water on your face – both can jolt your focus back to your body. Even clenching your fists or gripping the edge of a chair for a few seconds before releasing the tension can provide a quick outlet for pent-up energy.

Breathing exercises are also a quick and effective way to signal to your body that you’re safe. Many of us, when we are stressed out, unwittingly hold our breath, making thinking clearly impossible. Fortunately, learning some breathing techniques can help you during these stressful moments.

Try box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds. For a deeper calming effect, the 4-4-8 method works wonders: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale slowly over 8 seconds. This extended exhale activates your body’s natural relaxation response.

Another option is belly breathing. Place one hand on your stomach, inhale deeply so your belly rises, and then exhale fully. Practicing this technique regularly can train your nervous system to handle stress more effectively.

Finally, journaling is another way to create a space where you can untangle the emotions brought on by betrayal. A trigger journal can be especially useful – write down what happened, how you felt, and any memories that surfaced. Over time, you may start to see patterns that can help you better anticipate and manage difficult situations.

Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, offers this advice:

“The key is not to fight the waves but to ride them as you’re moving through them. Give yourself permission to cry, scream, journal, or simply sit with your feelings.” [5]

#4 – Change Negative Thinking Patterns

Managing your thoughts is an essential part of regaining control after experiencing betrayal. The aftermath of betrayal doesn’t just sting in the moment – it can leave lasting imprints on your mind, shaping how you perceive danger and disappointment. Studies reveal that between 30% and 60% of betrayed partners develop symptoms that meet clinical criteria for PTSD, depression, or anxiety. [17] Your mind, in an effort to shield you, may create protective narratives that keep you stuck in distress.

The first step is to recognize when you’re stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. Rumination, for instance, happens when you repeatedly dwell on your pain without taking steps to address it .[14] Dr. K, a licensed psychologist, explains:

“Your brain sees the affair as a serious threat, and it’s working overtime to make sure you don’t miss important details that might protect you from future harm” [14].

Be on the lookout for common thought distortions, including:

  • Catastrophizing: Imagining the worst-case scenario.
  • Black-and-white thinking: Viewing situations as entirely good or bad, with no middle ground.
  • Overgeneralization: Assuming “no one can be trusted” based on a single betrayal.
  • Self-blame: Convincing yourself that “I wasn’t enough.” [16][18]

These patterns may feel valid but are often overreactions designed to protect you. When you notice a spike in emotions like anxiety or anger, pause and ask yourself: “What was I just thinking?” [19] This small moment of reflection can help you pinpoint the thought driving your reaction. Once you’ve identified these negative loops, the next step is to actively reframe them.

So how does one reframe their thoughts? I know the idea can be daunting but it is possible.

A helpful tool for shifting your mindset is the “Catch it, Check it, Change it” method. [20] Here’s how it works:

  1. Catch it: Notice the thought as it arises.
  2. Check it: Ask yourself, “Is there objective evidence to support this thought?” or “Is there a more balanced way to see this situation?” [19]
  3. Change it: Replace the unhelpful thought with one that’s more realistic and constructive.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never find a fulfilling relationship again,” challenge it by examining the facts. One betrayal doesn’t define your future. A more balanced perspective might be: “This relationship didn’t work out, but I’m capable of rebuilding trust when I’m ready.”

Another way to test your thoughts is the “Friend Test.” Compare your inner dialogue to how you would speak to a close friend. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you care about, it’s likely a harmful thought pattern. [18]

Dr. Susan Albers from Cleveland Clinic offers an important reminder:

“A thought is not a fact.” [21]

When intrusive thoughts arise, ask yourself: “Is this thought helping me right now?” [15] If it’s not, label it as a mental habit rather than a truth, and consciously redirect your focus. Don’t let distorted thinking take the reins in your healing process.

#5 – Set Boundaries and Build Safe Spaces

Once you’ve shifted your perspective, the next step is to protect your emotional and mental well-being by setting clear boundaries.

Betrayal can leave deep wounds, and your nervous system needs reassurance that it’s safe to begin healing.[2] It’s important to understand that boundaries aren’t about punishing the person who hurt you – they’re tools for protecting yourself and regaining control over your surroundings. [22] These boundaries help lay the groundwork for creating a safe space, both internally and externally.

The first step is limiting your exposure to reminders of the betrayal. This could mean avoiding certain people, places, songs, movies, or photos that bring up painful memories. Take charge of your digital environment, too, by muting or blocking content that might trigger you. Let your friends and family know what topics are off-limits – like asking them not to mention or share updates about the person who hurt you.

Jamie Gibbs, LPC, CSAT, CST, offers this perspective:

“Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re bridges to healing. They allow you to reclaim your power, express your needs, and create conditions for rebuilding trust” [22].

Consider trying a 24-hour “emotional fast” by stepping away from recounting the betrayal, scrolling through social media, or dwelling on the pain. This brief pause can give your nervous system the time it needs to start repairing. [13] When someone crosses a boundary you’ve set, take a moment before responding and ask yourself, “Is this worth my peace?” Sometimes, choosing silence can be one of the most effective ways to reinforce a boundary. [13]

With boundaries firmly in place, the next step is to create spaces that actively support your emotional recovery.

Once you have set, and stuck to, your boundaries, its time to focus on crafting environments that promote your sense of calm and safety. Designate a physical retreat where you can decompress. This could be a corner in your home with soft lighting, cozy blankets, and a journal for reflection. Visualizing peaceful settings, like a serene beach or a quiet forest, can also help you quickly regain your sense of calm.

Additionally, identify one or two people you trust to simply listen without trying to “fix” things. Be direct with them by saying, “I don’t need solutions right now; I just need a space to feel.” [13] Rebuilding trust starts with small steps – focus on “micro-trust” by making simple, safe choices, like deciding what to eat or confiding in a reliable friend. [13]

#6 – Seek Out Professional Support for Long-Term Healing

While self-help strategies can empower you to manage betrayal triggers, long-term recovery often benefits from professional guidance. Research shows that over 70% of people experience trauma in their lives, with betrayal in close relationships being a significant contributor to conditions like depression, dissociation, and PTSD. [2] A skilled professional understands these triggers as natural biological responses, not personal weaknesses. [2]

Therapists trained in betrayal trauma utilize proven methods to support healing. These include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to shift negative thought patterns, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to process traumatic memories, and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) to enhance emotional regulation. [2] These approaches complement the self-help techniques mentioned earlier, creating a deeper and more structured path to recovery.

As Laurie Hall, Partner Support Program Facilitator at Begin Again Institute, highlights:

“A qualified mental health professional can help guide you through the process of identifying and understanding what’s happened and give you tools for moving forward.” [23]

Life coaching is also an excellent tool for dealing with betrayal triggers. A life coach (like me) will work with you to develop tools to manage your specific betrayal and work with you to create strategies to help manage betrayal triggers, rebuild trust in your judgment, and guide you toward meaningful growth. [3][5][6]

Dealing with betrayal triggers is about managing your reactions, not rewriting the past.

By following these five steps – identifying triggers, understanding your responses, grounding yourself, reframing your thoughts, and setting boundaries – you can take charge of your emotions. Healing isn’t a quick fix; it’s a long journey that often feels unpredictable. [3]

Start by trusting yourself in small, everyday decisions before extending trust to others. [13] Self-kindness will be your most powerful tool. When triggers arise, recognize that your reactions are a natural response to a significant emotional injury. Celebrate small wins – like a single day without feeling overwhelmed or successfully using a grounding technique when needed. [3] These moments, however small, are milestones in your recovery.

You can do this! I know you can! And remember – I am here to help if you need me!

4 Steps to An Effective Apology to Your Partner After Infidelity

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I know that it might seem hard to imagine that there is anything that you could do to ease the pain that your partner is feeling after discovering your infidelity. And I get that – words just don’t seem like they would be enough. Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals in a relationship, and one of the hardest things to get over

What I can tell you is that an apology is an excellent starting point to healing a relationship that has been torn apart because one partner cheated. It won’t undo the damage, but its a critical first step toward healing.

Knowing how to do an effective apology is the key to its success.

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

Five Steps to Deepen Your Apology After Infidelity

#1 – Take Full Responsibility for Your Actions

I know that this might seem obvious, but the first and most important step to apologizing after infidelity is to take complete responsibility for what happened. This goes beyond simply admitting the affair – it’s about fully accepting the consequences of your actions and showing your commitment to rebuilding trust through consistent, meaningful actions, not just words. [2]

“Taking full responsibility for an affair is not the same as admitting to having an affair. Admitting wrongdoing is only a first step.”
– Guy Winch Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist [2]

This can be much harder than one would think. After all, it can be hard to admit to someone else, or even oneself, the devastating impact that their behavior had on another person.

In relationship psychology, defensiveness that can destroy a relationship. The antidote? Owning your actions without excuses or justifications. [4]

Avoid Excuses or Shifting Blame

No matter the challenges you were facing, they don’t justify infidelity. [2][6] Don’t blame external factors or personal insecurities for your choices. It is up to you to address relationship issues constructively, not through betrayal. It’s also not okay to blame your partner in any way. While, yes, you might have found their behavior frustrating, that doesn’t give you the right to blow up their life with your cheating.

I had a client whose partner refused to take any responsibility for his cheating. He felt like she had abandoned him emotionally and physically and that if she had just been willing to take care of his needs, he wouldn’t have strayed.

Whatever….

When speaking to your partner, be direct and clear. A statement like, “I take full responsibility for my decision to cheat. It was entirely my fault,” can go a long way in showing accountability.

Be Honest About What Happened

Rebuilding trust requires complete honesty. Your partner deserves to know the truth – without omissions or sugarcoating. [1] Answer their questions openly, even if it’s uncomfortable or painful, so they can fully understand what happened.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, take the tactic where details are revealed gradually over time. Don’t kid yourself that not letting your partner know everything right away is the right thing to do, that it will hurt them less. This approach might make things easier for you but only deepens mistrust and makes healing even harder. [6] Put everything out on the table from the start, even if it feels overwhelming.

Transparency also means providing details where necessary. Your partner most likely has a lot of questions they want answered so step up and let them know all the nitty, gritty about the affair, whatever it is they want to know! [8][5] This isn’t about invading privacy; it’s about showing you have nothing to hide and are committed to restoring safety in the relationship.

“Transparency and telling the full truth no matter what will build trust.”
– Lori Wilder Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD [8]

Finally, ending all contact with the person involved in the affair is non-negotiable. Block their number, delete social media connections, and take any other necessary steps to demonstrate that your focus is fully on repairing your primary relationship. [2] By being transparent and decisive, you show your partner that their healing is your priority and doing so will also help you accept that the affair is well and truly over!

#2 – Recognize and Validate Your Partner’s Pain

Once accountability is established, the next essential step is recognizing and validating your partner’s pain. They are most likely struggling in a big way and for you to try to pretend that the situation isn’t a big deal, or that your partner is making a mountain out of a molehill, won’t help you move forward.

Infidelity leaves a deep wound, often sparking emotions so intense they can resemble symptoms of PTSD – feelings like anger, sadness, and humiliation are common.[4]

“In some ways finding out about infidelity feels like learning about the death of a loved one. You are in shock. And you are grieving the loss of the dream you treasured of a loving marriage to a faithful partner.”
– Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Author[3]

Validation is about acknowledging that your partner’s pain is both real and justified. By responding with empathy and compassion, you begin to lay the foundation for rebuilding trust.[4]

Listen Without Interrupting

Your partner needs the space to share their pain and emotions fully, and your job is to listen without jumping in to defend yourself. Avoid interrupting, correcting their account, or justifying your actions. Active listening means being present and showing genuine empathy – this demonstrates your commitment to understanding their experience.[11]

And, if your partner feels like you are truly hearing what they are saying, they will be way more likely to accept your apology and perhaps move forward. If they feel like you are just going through the motions, your apology will fail.[10]

If emotions run high and you feel too overwhelmed to listen effectively, it’s okay to pause the conversation. Let your partner know you need a moment to collect yourself, but be clear about when you’ll continue. For example, you might say, “I want to hear everything you need to say, but I need a few minutes to calm down so I can listen properly.” Setting a specific time to resume shows you’re not avoiding the discussion.[9].

Acknowledge the Hurt You Caused

Show your partner you understand their perspective by using language that validates their feelings and the impact of your actions. For example, you might say, “I totally understand why you are feeling this way. If I were in your position, I would be devastated.”[3][13]

“Trust grows as you express compassion and empathy for one another’s feelings, and this foundation is essential when you experience betrayal.”
– The Gottman Institute[4]

When your partner expresses difficult emotions, let them you know that you see hear them. For instance, say, “I can see that you’re feeling humiliated and betrayed.” This can help ease their distress. If you see that your partner is struggling to express their feelings, you can also use open-ended questions like, “What emotions are you experiencing right now?” to encourage them to share more deeply.[5]

#3 – Deliver a Clear and Heartfelt Apology

Once you’ve taken the time to truly listen and validate your partner’s feelings, the next step is offering a clear and heartfelt apology. This isn’t the time for vague statements like, “I’m sorry for whatever I did” or “I apologize for what happened.” Phrases like these are weak and ineffective and will most likely make your partner feel like you really don’t care about the hurt that you caused.

A meaningful, effective apology requires you to take full responsibility for your actions and the damage they caused. Owning your mistakes and offering tangible steps to make amends is far more impactful than simply asking for forgiveness. [14] Your partner needs to hear that you understand what you did, why it was wrong, and how it hurt them – not just that you’re uncomfortable with the situation and want it all to go away.

Be Specific About What You’re Apologizing For

It’s important speak to the specifics of the harm you caused. For example, instead of a general “I’m sorry,” say “I am sorry for the affair with [Name].” Psychiatrist Scott Haltzman emphasizes the importance of addressing the full scope of the harm:

“You are apologizing for much more than ‘having an affair.’ There is a lot more that you have done… things like causing embarrassment to the family, giving up family time, or even bringing home STDs. Your partner wants you to take responsibility for all of it.” [15]

One of my clients knew that her husband really needed to know that she understood what she did to him. She realized that acknowledging that her betrayal had left him feeling like he needed to be constantly on guard was what he needed to hear. When she said the words, “I made a mistake,” instead of deflecting accountability, she could feel some of the anger leaving his body.

I do recommend preparing your apology in advance as it can help you organize your thoughts and ensure you address every aspect of the harm caused, reducing the chance of becoming defensive during the conversation.

Show Genuine Regret

True remorse centers on your partner’s pain, not your own discomfort or guilt. Apologies that focus on self-comfort rather than empathy will come across as insincere, and your partner will notice.

“To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person’s experience.”
– Dr. Ronald Siegel, Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School [12]

Express your regret clearly and avoid undermining your apology with excuses or justifications. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt,” use a statement like, “I’m sorry for the pain my lies about the affair caused you.” If you feel the need to explain your actions, frame it as context, not a defense. For example, “I was seeking validation, but that does not excuse my behavior.” Finally, ask your partner directly, “What do you need from me right now to feel even a little bit safer?”

#4 – Demonstrate Your Commitment Through Actions

After offering a heartfelt apology that recognizes the hurt caused, the next step is to back up your words with consistent actions. And this is key! You know the phrase “Actions speak louder than words.” It is expressly applicable to this situation!

Trust isn’t rebuilt with promises alone – it requires visible effort. As Dr. John Gottman explains, “Restoring trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] This means showing your commitment through transparency, accountability, and follow-through. Continue to answer questions as they arise. Make sure that you are accountable for any actions or behaviors. Work hard to let your partner know that you want to make amends.

Any lapse in these areas can deepen the wound, so consistency is key. Actions, more than words, affirm the sincerity of your apology.

Be Transparent and Take Responsibility

Transparency means opening up your life without hesitation or defensiveness. Share access to things like passwords, financial records, and your daily schedule to show you have nothing to hide. Keep your partner in the loop about your whereabouts and any changes to your plans. This level of openness helps rebuild reliability. If your work or life involves interactions with the person you had the affair with, discuss boundaries with your partner and agree on how to handle those situations. It’s also essential to take full responsibility for your actions, regardless of any issues that may have existed in the relationship before. Owning your role is a critical step toward reestablishing an emotional connection.

Seek Professional Support

Seeking professional help is another excellent way to show your commitment to repairing the relationship. As Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, notes, “Recovering from an affair always takes the expertise of a trained therapist and a willingness to express hurt feelings in a safe setting that can facilitate healing.” [3] A relationship coach (LIKE ME!) can provide a neutral environment for difficult conversations, helping you and your partner navigate the emotional aftermath without escalating conflicts. Professional guidance also allows you to explore the deeper reasons behind your actions and learn healthier ways to communicate and give you tools to create lasting, positive change.

What Definitely Not To Do When Apologizing

It’s very important that your apology helps rebuild trust instead of causing further harm. Even the most genuine apologies can miss the mark if certain missteps are made. So work hard to avoid these mistakes at all costs if you want to save your relationship.

Avoid Vague or Empty Apologies

Statements like “I’m sorry for everything” or “I apologize for what happened” can come across as hollow and insincere. They often suggest an inability to fully acknowledge the specifics of your actions. Clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas explains:

“If there is gaslighting and blaming of the injured partner for what happened, that is a strong warning sign. It’s never your ‘fault’ if your partner has cheated on you.”

A meaningful apology requires clarity and specificity. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” try “I’m sorry for betraying your trust by having an affair and lying about my whereabouts, over and over.” This level of detail demonstrates that you understand the true impact of your actions.

Also, stay away from the word “but.” Pairing your apology with excuses – phrases like “I’m sorry, but…” dilute the sincerity of your words and can make your partner feel like you are deflecting blame onto them.

Don’t Push for Quick Forgiveness

Expecting your partner to forgive you quickly adds unnecessary pressure and can hinder the healing process. Recovering from infidelity is a gradual journey that requires patience. Triggers like flashbacks or heightened vigilance may continue to surface long after the initial incident. For one of my clients, even 20 years later her husband still struggles to accept that she had an affair. Michaela Thomas emphasizes:

“Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment, and it is important to remember that the phrase ‘forgive and forget’ doesn’t apply here, it is more about ‘forgive and let go’ to move forward.”

Show your commitment to the process without imposing deadlines. Let your partner know that you’re aware healing will take time and that you’re prepared to support them for as long as it takes. Do not expect them to “just get over it.” I know that you might like this to happen but it just won’t. It wouldn’t if the roles were reversed, I am guessing.

This patience and dedication are key to moving forward together.

Apologizing after infidelity is just the first step in a long journey toward healing.

Real progress comes from actions, not just words. As Dr. John Gottman puts it, “Trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] Rebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and a willingness to show, not just tell, your commitment to change.

Professionals talk of three key phases in recovery after infidelity: Atonement (taking full responsibility for the betrayal), Attunement (re-establishing emotional connection), and Attachment (rebuilding intimacy). [5][6] Each stage requires patience and effort from both partners. Research indicates that 60–75% of couples who engage in specialized therapy after infidelity manage to stay together and even report improved relationships.[7] This isn’t about returning to the way things were – it’s about creating something better, a “Marriage 2.0” built on stronger communication and deeper emotional intimacy. [6]

Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and effort. While the journey is challenging, a combination of honesty, empathy, and consistent actions can help repair the relationship and foster a stronger bond.

And remember, when the process feels stalled, professional help can provide valuable guidance. A trained relationship coach can offer personalized neutral mediation, practical tools for better communication, and insights into the root causes of the disconnection. [4][17]

5 Ways to Process The Pain When Your Married Man Betrays You…Again

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, your married man has let you down again. Maybe he has made promises that he hasn’t kept or not been there when you needed him or maybe even decided to walk away from you. And I am guessing that you are feeling a pain that is worse than anything that you have ever felt before. (Or at least since the last time he did this to you)

I am so so sorry. I have been there and I know that it HURTS!

Being betrayed by a man who says that he loves you can make you feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you with intense emotions and a shaken sense of trust. Even if you know that letting him go might be the best thing that you can do for yourself, the emotional pain that you are feeling is real and can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. But healing is possible.

Here are some steps that you can take to get you on the path to letting go of the pain and move on.

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

Healing from Betrayal Trauma (Science-Based)

#1 – Accept What Happened

The first step in healing from your married man’s betrayal is acknowledging the reality of what has occurred – even when it hurts. Denial might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the healing process. Research highlights that avoidance strategies often make recovery more difficult. [6] Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened or forgive right away – it simply means recognizing the impact the betrayal has had on your life.

“Accepting these feelings is the first step to recovery.”
– School of Modern Psychology [4]

I know that it might seem scary, but acknowledging your emotions fully is what sets you up for deeper healing.

Betrayal often stirs up a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, shock, fear, or even shame. [5] Instead of suppressing these feelings, it’s important to allow yourself to experience them. Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, puts it succinctly: “Face it, feel it, heal it.” [6] By naming what you’re feeling – whether it’s rage, grief, or insecurity – you can take away some of their power by fully feeling those feelings.[5] This acknowledgment becomes the first step toward practical healing.

While feeling your feelings is important, it is important that you not feel these feelings every minute of every day. We often get, oddly, addicted to feeling the pain of the betrayal. We feed that pain by talking to our friends or desperately looking on TikTok for other people who have been betrayed. All of those things are good, in the beginning, but focusing on it will only keep you from healing. Look for positive things as well – things about living happily ever after!

So, feel those feelings, and then let them go!

#2 – Write Down Your Feelings

When emotions feel overwhelming, writing them down can bring a sense of relief you might not expect. There is something incredibly powerful about getting thoughts that have been swirling around in your head out of there and onto paper where you might be able to make sense of them.

Writing things down also offers a safe space to pour out raw emotions without fear of judgment. In fact, research shows that just four days of expressive writing can improve happiness for months and even reduce doctor visits. [9]

“Journaling can help validate and process your emotions, offering clarity and a sense of relief. It’s an effective way to manage negative thoughts and gain insight into your mental health.”
– Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center[7]

By acknowledging your feelings and exploring them on paper, you can begin to make sense of your inner experience. This isn’t about perfect grammar or structure – just set aside 15–20 minutes and let everything flow. Write about the anger, confusion, hurt, or even physical symptoms like tension or trouble sleeping. Seeing these connections on paper can help you grasp how deeply the betrayal has impacted you.

If you’re not sure where to start, try prompts like: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?” Asking “what” instead of “why” keeps your focus forward, steering you away from getting stuck in endless rumination. You could also use writing as a way to picture your future self – what does life look like after healing? Who do you want to become?

For a symbolic release, consider writing down the most painful details of your experience, then destroy the paper – burn it, flush it, or toss it into the ocean. This physical act can feel like taking control and letting go of the trauma’s grip.

Writing down your emotions doesn’t just help you process the pain – it sets the stage for protecting and nurturing yourself as you continue to heal.

#3 – Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness and deep breathing can ground you in the present moment, especially when betrayal stirs up that overwhelming fight-or-flight response. While these practices won’t erase the pain, they can help you acknowledge your emotions without letting them take over. A study in the journal Mindfulness surveyed 94 adults who had experienced infidelity and found that those with stronger mindfulness skills were more likely to forgive and less likely to seek revenge. [10]

“Those with strong self-compassion skills tend to embrace their turmoil without over-identifying with it.” – Researchers, Mindfulness Journal [10]

I know that idea of mindfulness is overwhelming and perplexing but, if you start small, you too can take advantage of its benefits.

Start with a 10-minute deep breathing practice. Find a quiet spot, sit comfortably, and take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth. [7] This simple exercise helps soothe your stress response and provides quick relief when emotions feel overwhelming. And when your thoughts inevitably drift back to the betrayal, don’t judge yourself – just gently bring your focus back to your breath. [7]

For moments of intense stress, try the exaggerated breath technique: inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for four .[11] Research has shown that just 15 minutes of focused breathing can significantly reduce emotional distress, even when faced with upsetting stimuli.[11] Did you know that, when we are stressed, we stop breathing. This is why its so difficult to think clearly or process our emotions because our brains are literally struggling to survive.

The goal here is to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Instead of spiraling into questions like, “Why did this happen?” shift your focus to the present with questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need to feel secure?” [5] This approach keeps you anchored in the here and now, where true healing begins. By focusing on your breath and staying present with your emotions, you regain a sense of control over your recovery journey.

#4 – Take Care of Yourself

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt emotionally – it impacts your body too. Studies reveal that 70% of women dealing with betrayal by their married men experience PTSD symptoms. [12] This kind of trauma often shows up physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, insomnia, and even digestive issues. Moving your body isn’t just about staying fit; it’s a way to release the trauma stored deep in your tissues and nervous system.

The key is finding the right type of movement for what you’re feeling. If you’re grappling with anger or rage, high-intensity activities like boxing or running can help channel those intense emotions. On the other hand, if anxiety has you feeling on edge, gentler options like walking, stretching, or yoga can calm your system and help you feel safe again. Licensed therapist Rebecca Capps highlights this balance:

“Self-care after betrayal can include eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy” [2]

Somatic practices can also help you reconnect with your body. Techniques like “butterfly tapping” (crossing your arms and rhythmically tapping your shoulders) or focusing on the sensation of your feet as you walk are simple yet powerful tools. These practices help regulate an overactive nervous system and create a deeper sense of grounding and self-awareness.

Incorporating regular physical activity into your life reinforces your recovery. Building a routine – even just 20 minutes a day – can help restore a sense of control. Each day will be a small but meaningful step toward rebuilding trust in yourself. Each time you show up for your body, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of moving forward.

#5 – Create Boundaries to Protect Yourself

After being betrayed by your married man. it’s important to safeguard your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries – both with the person who hurt you and with yourself. This is one of the reasons that it’s important to go NO CONTACT, to not communicate with him in any way shape or form. Dr. Bruce Y. Lee describes it well:

“Allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury’s deliberations” [1]

NO CONTACT extends to social media use. It is very important that you unfriend or unfollow your person and do everything that you can do to not stalk them. See what they are doing or saying will only set you back with your healing. (And remember – what people post on social media are the things that they want people to see, not the truth about how they may be feeling.)

Personal boundaries are just as important. Make sure that your married man knows that they too must go NO CONTACT as well. No reaching out to wish you a happy birthday or to tell you how much they miss you or, even worse, that they are going to leave their wives (which they won’t). It is important that they know that you need this for your mental health – and that it’s time they stop putting their own needs first!

Boundaries are powerful tools for reclaiming control over your life. But remember, healing happens on your terms and timeline. As the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center explains:

“Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space, allowing you to rebuild trust on your terms” [7].

I know that you want the pain that you are feeling to go away right now.

And I wish that I could make that happen for you. Unfortunately, recovering from betrayal isn’t a straight path – it’s a cycle.

These five strategies – acceptance, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, and setting boundaries – work together to help you regain control of your life. Each step plays a role in moving you forward, even if progress feels slow at times.

Above all, treat yourself with kindness. As Dr. Margaret Paul emphasizes, gentle self-compassion is essential for letting go of emotions like anger and heartbreak that can otherwise remain stuck and even impact your physical health. [8] Without this kindness, it’s hard to truly move on after a breakup.

It’s also important to remember that betrayal leaves its mark on both your mind and body. [3] Rebuilding trust – whether with others or yourself – requires patience and at the same time consistent effort. [3] [1] There’s no universal timeline for healing, so give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Rushing the process often does more harm than good.

Healing from betrayal is within reach, but it starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what you can control today – whether it’s practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or simply showing yourself the compassion you deserve. Every step forward matters.

Remember, if you need someone to help you on this journey, reach out. I can offer you an obligation free session that could really make a difference! You can get through this and you will!

Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

“I just can’t believe that I am having an affair.”

“How can my husband have an affair? We were so happy.”

“I have found my soul mate but he is married. What am I thinking?”

These are phrases that I hear from my clients all the time when cheating has touched their lives. They just don’t understand why people cheat – and most of the time it’s because they don’t understand how affairs happen. Affairs happen, more often than not, not because of the sex but something much deeper. Understanding what these things are might help you understand why infidelity has become a part of your life, in one way or another

#1 – Their depression makes them vulnerable.

The number one psychological fact behind why people cheat is that their mental health issues make them vulnerable to having an affair. Perhaps they are depressed, perhaps they are anxious, perhaps they are dealing with something that causes them to lose control of their emotions. Whatever the mental health struggle they are dealing with, it is making them vulnerable to doing something that will make them feel okay again.

Having an affair is one of those things that can make people with mental health struggles feel like they are okay, at least for a little bit. For that short period of time they are with their affair partner, they feel loved. They feel like they’re enough. The feel-good chemical ‘dopamine’ that comes from being with their affair partner courses through their veins, making them feel happy, even if for a moment.

#2 – They are feeling hopeless and feel like they will never be happy again.

One of my clients has been having an affair with a married man for four years. She just doesn’t understand why she got into it and why she can’t get out of it. After talking, we came to understand that one of the reasons she embarked on this affair was because she was feeling hopeless. She had divorced her husband, her kids were gone, and her career was on hold because of the industry in which she is worked. She just didn’t see how she could ever be happy again.

And then this married man came into her life and made her feel alive. He made her feel important, relevant, and like she had a future where she could be happy. Unfortunately, while she was happy for a while, she eventually became miserable again. What she thought was hope for the future turned into hopelessness because she knew she would never have the happiness that she sought.

#3 – They are unhappy in their marriage and don’t know how to fix it.

Many people who cheat are feeling unhappy in their marriage and they have no idea what to do about it. They married their person because they loved them madly but, over time, 1000 little cuts have eroded the marriage. Sure, they’ve been to therapy. Sure, they’ve made date nights and gone on mini vacations and done all the things that their therapist encouraged them to do. But still, they are unhappy and not sure what to do next.

So, what they do instead of fixing their marriage is they find someone who can meet their emotional needs. Someone who understands what they are going through, perhaps is even going through it as well themselves. Instead of having to deal with their marriage, they are getting their emotional needs met outside of the marriage, and it makes their marriage more tolerable.

#4 – They feel emotionally abandoned and lonely.

One of my clients had a husband who traveled all the time. He would be away for days at a time, only to come back, distracted by work and not interested in spending any time with her. She was not only lonely while he was gone, but she was lonely when he was back. They lived in the house together, going about their daily tasks, but not connecting emotionally in any way.

When my client met a man with whom she connected emotionally, it changed her life. She had believed that it was her fault that the emotion had died in their marriage and that her loneliness was the result of some kind of desperation. When she met her guy, she realized that she could still feel and that there was a man who could make her feel not so alone.

#5 – They need to numb the pain of a current trauma.

More than one of my clients has found themselves having an affair as they have gone through a period of intense trauma. One of my clients’ mothers was dying slowly of cancer. She spent a ton of time in the hospital with her mother, watching her be sick. She spent a lot of time on her own, wondering what she was going to do without her mother. While she had to go about her daily tasks because of her husband and her children, she was feeling empty.

When she met a man while watching her son’s hockey game, their small talk took her out of her life. She sought him out at games and talking to him allowed her to  forget what she was struggling with daily and lean into someone who made her feel something other than pain. Once again, the dopamine that was created from the connection that she had with a man who was not her husband helped her let go of the pain, if only for a few hours.

#6 – They feel heard and understood for the first time in a long time.

Marriages are long and hard. We always try very hard to keep them healthy, but it can be very difficult.

Many people embark on affairs after spending a period of time talking to their soon-to-be affair partners. Perhaps they have met at the office, and over time, have confided in each other about things that they struggle with. Perhaps they are parents of their kids friends and spend a lot of time with each other, and have developed a very deep friendship. What happens is, for the first time in a long time, they feel listened to and heard. And this feeling is very compelling and addictive. This feeling heard and understood makes them fall in love with this person, and, sometimes before they know it, they slide into an affair.

#7 – They are addicted to the affair and can’t let it go.

The number one reason why people have a hard time letting go of an affair is because they are addicted to it. Much like drugs, or ice cream, once they get a taste, they can’t let it go.

When they are put in a position where they must let go of their affair, they go into deep withdrawal. Even though they might have been miserable in the affair, which made them break up with their affair partner, the pain that they feel when they don’t get that dopamine rush, when they don’t hear their partners voice, when they don’t have the physical intimacy that they love, is intolerable. This leads them to go back to their partner, and the cycle begins again.

Understanding why people cheat is a hard thing to do for someone who hasn’t been there.

Affairs seem to be the tawdry things that we read about in books and see in movies. But, in fact, they’re more complicated than that. They are, more often than not, not the result of needing sex, but the result of trying to fill some emotional void in their lives, to give themselves hope for the future, to make them feel like a person again. And, unfortunately, their addiction makes it impossible for them to let go and so they are stuck in the cycle of a relationship that, eventually, makes everything that they struggle with worse.

The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are considering getting into an affair with a married man, there are some things that you should know, namely that the feelings that you are having right now, feelings of love and anticipation, are not the only emotions that you will feel as the affair goes on.

I know that the idea of having an affair is complex – guilt at the infidelity but also excitement about the new feelings that you are feeling. You should know that, unfortunately, those feelings of guilt will never go away and that excitement will turn to misery.

As someone who has been there, and someone who has coached dozens of women who are having an affair, let me share will you the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

#1 – You will feel intense joy, joy that you have never felt before.

Am I right? Are you feeling joyful, perhaps in a way that you have never felt before?

Have you met this wonderful man and grown to believe that you are soul mates and that there has never been a love like this in the world? Are you wondering how you have gotten through your life without the love of this man?

Women who fall in love with married men feel an intense amount of joy as the falling happens. While the reason for this might seem because they have found their perfect match, what it really is is the release of those “feel good” chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that are released at the beginning of every relationship.

So, know that those feelings that you are feeling aren’t necessarily the feelings of finding a soul mate but just feelings that every other woman at the onset of a relationship feels.

#2 – You will feel hopeful, perhaps for the first time in a long time.

I know that when I had fell in love with a married man I, for the first time in a long time, felt hopeful. I had been divorced for six years. I had dated a myriad of men, none of whom stuck. When my college crush reappeared, I thought that I was going to finally live happily ever after.

That sense of hopefulness was delicious but, unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

#3 – You will feel wicked, an emotion that might cause you internal conflict.

According to clinical psychologist Max von Sabler, when people do something that they know is “bad,” they experience something called “cognitive dissonance,” namely holding two conflicting beliefs or values at once. This cognitive dissonance can cause us to do things that we know aren’t great for us – like having an affair.

The reasons that we do these things are myriad. Sometimes we do them for immediate gratification over long term health. Sometimes, when we do something “bad,” our body releases dopamine, a reward response that makes us want more. Sometimes we do something “wrong” because of trauma that we have had in our past.

Regardless of the cause, feeling wicked is an emotion that will cause you some mental anguish and, when those emotions appear, it will be the moment where the cycle of emotions flips from very good to very bad.

#4 – You will feel jealousy, jealousy that he goes home to someone else.

Right now, you might be feeling like your person loves you more than anyone else in the world, especially more than his wife. After all, they supposedly live separate lives, they never have sex, they fight all the time and the marriage is effectively over. Supposedly.

As time goes on, in spite of his declarations of love and his repeated promises, he will choose his wife over you every time. His wife will be his priority. His wife will be the one who he goes home to every night.

So remember, while you might feel sure of his love now, you will question that emotion as time goes on.

#5 – You will feel anxiety, anxiety that he will never leave his wife.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man I lived in a state of constant anxiety. I spent all of my time  wondering if he had “had the talk” with his wife. If he had told her that he was leaving her. I wondered if he loved me. I wondered why he would make me promises that he wouldn’t keep. All of those worries took over my life, ultimately making me feel unloved and unworthy.

#6 – You will feel a lack of trust because of his continued broken promises.

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, “trust is embedded in every fiber of a relationship.”

A lack of trust is born of betrayal, something that your married man does every time that he makes promises but doesn’t keep them. When people feel betrayed, particularly over and over, they no longer trust their person to keep them safe and this, over time, erodes the relationship.

#7 – You will feel unimportant as he continues to not prioritize you.

Much like your married man choosing his wife over you more often than not, he will also not prioritize you over most aspects of his life.

Your man will choose his kids’ soccer games, his work events, taking his dog to the vet, spending time with his extended family over you. Even worse, as he is doing these things, he will tell you that you are his priority – something that he might believe but that is obviously a lie.

Feeling unimportant will ultimately erode your self esteem, leaving you wondering why you aren’t worthy of someone picking you first. I know that when I was having an affair, after a year I was a shell of myself. Always being second destroyed my self-esteem, making me questions my worthiness in every aspect of my life.

#8 – You will feel hopeless because all the hope you felt at the beginning will be gone.

Remember at the beginning of this article I spoke of the hope that you would feel if you got into a relationship with a married man – hope that you had found the happiness and love that you had dreamed of?

Unfortunately, over time, as a married man repeated breaks his promises and always puts you second, that sense of hope will not only disappear but a sense of hopelessness will replace it, a hopelessness that will be more intense than any that you have ever felt before.

You will feel hopeless that you will never be with your married man (and questioning if you should be with a man who treats you the way he does). You will feel hopeless that you will ever find someone who can truly love you.  You will feel hopeless because you feel like no man could ever replace the married man you love so much.

All of that wonderful hope that you felt in the beginning will be gone, replaced with the feeling that you will never be happy again.

# 9 – You will feel abandoned because he will never leave his wife.

This is the most notable emotion that you will feel in the cycle of your affair – abandonment.

I know that you have not yet given up hope that your married man will leave his wife – your emotions are winning the battle over your brain on this topic.

But, let me tell you – your married man will NEVER leave his wife. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his kids, wrecking his finances and perhaps damaging his social life. And no man is going to do that.

I have a client whose married man told her he was going to leave his wife. He even got an apartment. And, when his wife found out about his affair partner, she gave him 90 days to figure out what he wanted – his affair partner or his family. Ultimately, he chose his family, leaving my client with a sense of abandonment that devastated her.

So, there you go – the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I know that right now it all feels like sunshine and roses but I want to make sure that you know going in that that sunshine will turn to storm clouds and those roses will bare their thorns.

You will not live happily ever after with this man – that I can promise you.

Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

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Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

According to the Attachment Project, trauma bonding is a sort of bond that develops when someone has an unhealthy attachment to someone else. Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening.

In the work that I have done with my clients over the past 10 years, I have seen this over and over. Women who are otherwise very strong and successful, trying, and failing, repeatedly, to let go of their married man. When I suggest that, perhaps, they might have an unhealthy bond that is keeping them with their married man, they push back very hard. They tell me that their married man is their soulmate, that they’ve never felt love like this before, and that they cannot imagine a life without them. There is not way that their relationship is unhealthy and has led to a trauma bond.

Because of how often I see this, I have decided that it’s a time to dig into what trauma bonding is to help women understand why they stay with their married men. I want them to see that a trauma bond is abuse – that they are being abused by the person they love, even if they don’t see it that way. Perhaps by learning more about what a trauma bond is, a woman can see the truth of why she stays.

To that end, here are 9 signs of a trauma bond so that you can understand the truth behind your relationship with your married man.

#1 – You need constant verbal affirmations.

When you were first with your married man, did he totally love bomb you? Did he tell you how beautiful and sexy you were and how he had never loved like this before? Did he make you feel special in a way that you had never felt before, something that you don’t want to let go of?

And, while he does still do this, do you find that you need more and more of it. Instead of settling into feeling loved, do you need him to constantly reassure you that he loves you?

I have a client who is trying to break up with her married man and she goes days or weeks without talking to him and then he reaches out and wants to make small talk. She doesn’t want small talk. She wants him to tell her how much he loves her and how he can’t live without her and that their time apart made her miserable. She needs to hear from him how much he cares about her because if she doesn’t, she won’t feel loved.

So, think about how you feel when you don’t get the words of love from your married man that you need. Do you feel empty? Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel like he will never choose you? Do you feel like if you don’t hear those words soon you will fall apart?

If any of these things are true, you are definitely trauma bonded to your married man.

#2 – You depend on him for your happiness.

Do you find that when you aren’t with your man you just can’t be happy? Do you find that more minutes than not of your day are spent thinking about him, missing him, wondering if he’s thinking about you, wondering if he’ll ever leave his wife? When you’re out with your friends, are you distracted with thoughts of him, hoping that he’ll reach out?

Much like needing constant, verbal affirmations, someone who is trauma bonded believes that they can never be happy unless they are with their married man. They need to be with him, hearing his words of love, getting physical touch, having sex, getting their dopamine hit, being told that they are a priority and that they will live happily ever after.

I am guessing that before you were involved with your married man, you were a happy person in the world. You were independent and had friends and had fun and didn’t spend all of your time focused on someone who wasn’t there. Even if you have been unhappy relationships before, you were still able to be happy.

Women who are trauma bonded are rarely happy when they’re not with their married man. That is why they have such a hard time letting them go.

#3 – He manipulates you into to getting what he wants.

When one of my clients tries to let go of her married man, I always encourage her to block him. Why? Because he has the power, because of their trauma bond, to manipulate her into coming back.

Many of my clients’ married men, when told by their affair partner that she needs to let him go, willingly allow them to do so. They say that they want them to be happy and that they know that they can’t do so, because of their marital status. And they do leave my clients alone, but not for long.

Sooner than later, they reach out to see how my client is or because they need advice or because they miss them or because they need closure or because they want to tell them that they have talked to a lawyer. And, while my clients might push back for a bit, they always give. After all, their man is hurting and they need to be there for them. (Even though their man’s pain is completely self imposed)

You see, a married man without his lover is lost. He knows that, if he lets her go, she can go on to have a happy life – to find someone who can love her completely. He, on the other hand, is left in an unhappy marriage with no one to tell him how wonderful he is, to support him and to have sex with him. And he knows that his affair partner is vulnerable to his manipulations – that she has tried and failed to leave him, that she will stay no matter the pain that he has inflicted upon her. So, he reaches out and sucks her back in.

And this manipulation is the key part of a trauma bond – one person manipulating the other to do things that they don’t want to do.

#4 – The same things happens over and over.

If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you are in a relationship with a married man that you know is unhealthy and that you are trying to let go of. So, let me ask you – is one of the reasons that you know that you have to let go because the same things keep happening over and over and over?

Does he make you promises that he will take action and then doesn’t? Does he promise you that he will show up and then not do so? Does he tell you that you are a priority and then choose to go to his son’s soccer game instead of showing up for your birthday?

Do these things happen over and over?

One sign of a trauma bond is the repeated cycle of abuse – that someone has the same experience over and over and they let it happen. They let their person get away with doing things that hurt them, in the name of soul mates and love and hopes for the future.

#5 – He has more power in the relationship then you do.

Take a moment and reflect on your relationship with your married man – does he have more power in the relationship than you do? Did you think that, because he tells you he loves you and makes you a priority that you have power over him? Does thinking about it point out that, in fact, he is the one who is in control?

People who are trauma bonded are in relationships, particularly affairs, that have a skewed power dynamic. After all, the married man is the one who has all of the power in the relationship. He is the one who can determine what happens every step of the way.  He is the one who can choose to walk away from his marriage and his family or stay. He is the one who can make and break promises, knowing that there were will be no permanent repercussions. He knows that if he chooses to stay with his family, his girlfriend will most likely hang around too.

Does your married man have a power over you that you let happen? Does he make promises and let you down and hurt you without a thought? Do you let him do it? If yes, you are definitely trauma bonded to this man and letting him go will be very difficult.

#6 – You don’t recognize yourself anymore.

One sign of a trauma bond is when the abused person has lost sight of who they are. Who no longer sees herself in the mirror and feels good about herself. Who needs her married man to define who she is.

I know that when I was having an affair, I completely lost myself. I was a shell of the person who I was before the affair started. Then I was a single women in NYC, building my business and living a good life. Then I met him and things got better, temporarily. Over time, I became more and more obsessed with him leaving his wife, to the point that it was all that I could think about. It ruined my life, in more ways than one.

Once I found the power to let him go, I got my life back. I built a successful business, spent time with friends who I had abandoned and finally found the love that I was looking for. I loved the woman I saw in the mirror and wonder who that woman was who was having an affair.

#7 – You are emotionally exhausted.

Be honest with yourself – are you exhausted? Do you find that you can’t sleep and eat? Have you abandoned the very things that used to keep you emotionally fulfilled? Do you feel weak in the face of the pressure that you are putting on him and the ways that you let him manipulate you into staying, over and over?

A key part of a trauma bond is this emotional exhaustion – that the relationship, instead of lifting you up, sucks you down.  You have moments of happiness when you hear from him or are with him but most of the time you are sad and angry and frustrated. You are exhausted from going through this every day, wondering when things are going to change.

Let me tell you – until you walk away you are going to be exhausted – it might even make you sick. What it will definitely do is erode your self-esteem and your strength and make walking away even more difficult.

#8 – You are (unwittingly) addicted to the drama.

For many women who are having an affair with a married man, they are – unwittingly – addicted to the drama of it all.

While they are in pain when they try to walk away, when their man reaches out again, things are wonderful. And they are wonderful because of the drama – the dramatic breaking up ceremony (which sucks) and the dramatic reunion (which is what they longed for).

Why? Because their married man gives them the verbal affirmations that they crave.  He makes her promises that she knows that he will fulfill this time. They have amazing make up sex. For a few days, everything is wonderful and the hope is back, until its not.

And then the whole dramatic process starts over again, leading to pain and suffering and then words of love and empty promises.

A woman sitting on the ground with her head down.

#9 – You refuse to accept the truth.

The truth of your relationship with your married man is that he will never leave his wife. No matter what he says – that he is talking to a lawyer, that he is taking baby steps, that you will have the life you want – he just won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his children, destroying his finances and wrecking his social life.

And you, in spite of knowing deep down that what I am saying is true, stay.  You want so much for him to leave his wife that you are willing to live with self-delusion, believing that it will someday happen. So you stay, willingly blind to the truth and miserable.

So there you go – 9 signs of a trauma bond that makes it impossible for you to let go of your married man.

I know that you believe that this man is the love of your life, that you will never be happy without him, that you will never find love again. I am afraid that what this shows that you are trauma bonded – you have been manipulated into staying with a man who will never leave his wife. You have lost who you are, are becoming increasingly sick and exhausted and you refuse to accept any truth.

I hope that this blog has helped you see the truth about your relationship, a truth that might help you successfully walk away and find the life and the love that you want.

You can do it!

The Surprising Connection Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

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The Surprising Connections Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

The reasons that people cheat are myriad. They might be unhappy, they might be depressed, they might be in constant need of something new, they might just cheat for cheating’s sake.

Some people, surprisingly, might be prone to cheating because of a specific aspect of their personality – their attachment style, the style in which they become attached to someone else.

For those who aren’t familiar with the attachment styles, according to “The Attachment Project,” there are four different kinds:

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

Secure Attachment

Taking a look at the different attachments styles and how they might influence a person’s tendency to cheat could provide a very helpful perspective about why people cheat and perhaps help someone avoid doing so.

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment Style

People with anxious, or preoccupied) attachment styles are people who tend to have very low self esteem. They believe themselves not worthy of love and live with a deep fear of abandonment. As a result, anxiously attached people tend to be constantly in need of reassurance about the health of a relationship. When they don’t get that reassurance, they can act out, becoming on one hand clingy or on the other dismissive.

People with anxious attachments styles tend to cheat for a number of reasons. The first is their constant need for reassurance as to the health of a relationship. If an anxiously attached person is in a relationship where they aren’t getting that constant reassurance, they might look outside of the relationship for that reassurance. An affair partner is someone who will happy to remind an anxious avoidant that they are worthy of love. After all, an affair happens inside a bubble and reassurance of this type is easy.

Another reason that someone who is anxiously attached would cheat is because they so fear being abandoned that they self sabotage and do the abandoning first. They feel like if they can step outside of a relationship, even if its one they really want, then they will save themselves from the pain that will happen if/when their person walks away.

I know that when I was younger, I was anxiously attached and I cheated on almost everyone I ever dated. I was so sure that I was going to be left because I wasn’t good enough that I did the leaving first. Unfortunately, the cheating only made my anxious attachment tendencies worse because, every time I cheated, I just felt worse about myself.

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment Style

A person with an avoidant, or dismissive attachment style tends to have a very high sense of self worth and a high degree of independence. Unfortunately, while these traits might seem like they would support a healthy relationship, this is not always the case. Because of their independence, avoidants hesitate to become involved with another person, one to whom they might become attached to or become dependent on. They also tend to to shy away from emotional relationships where someone might become too attached to them and need them for reassurance.

Someone who has an avoidant attachment style might cheat for a myriad of reasons. They might believe that they are worthy of love and love from as many people as want to provide it. They might believe that if they have an affair, they will become less emotionally dependent on their partner, thereby saving themselves from pain. They might believe that if they cheat, they can get the temporary emotional connection from their affair partner without having to make a strong emotional investment in their partners.

One of my clients is an avoidant who constantly cheats. He is trying to build the perfect girl for him, someone who feeds his sense of self worth and also gives him the independence he craves.  Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this, to create one person out of many and, as a result, his need to cheat is never sated.

attachment style cheating

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

People with disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment styles tend to have a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. They are sometimes anxious and sometimes avoidant and not only bring conflicting behaviors in their relationships but struggle with them internally. They crave closeness but also have a hard time trusting others.

People with disorganized attachments styles often cheat because of the self-perceived ambiguity of their feelings. They struggle to understand how they feel about someone and yet yearn for closeness and at the same time are desperately afraid of being hurt so they push people away. Having an affair is the perfect situation for them because they don’t have to definitively decide what their feelings are nor do they have to put all their eggs in one basket.

Unfortunately, people who have a disorganized attachment style are never truly secure in a relationship or an affair which makes it likely that they will hop to one after another, never truly developing a healthy connection.

Secure Attachment Style

People with secure attachment styles are people who are comfortable expressing their emotions, are happy to depend on their partners and are comfortable letting their partners rely on them. While they enjoy the closeness of a healthy relationship they are also okay being on their own. They don’t seek external approval but are able to derive approval from their own sense of self worth.

Not surprisingly, people with secure attachment styles are the least likely to have an affair. Because they are capable of having an open honest relationship based on mutual respect and support, they don’t need to go outside of their primary relationship for validation or happiness. That being said, even people with relationships that seem securely attached can, over time, allow their relationships to be taken for granted. Taking a relationship for granted can lead to a sense of separateness that, in turn, can cause fissures in that relationships. While people with secure attachment styles don’t usually need to seek out validation outside of their primary relationship, these fissures can lead to an affair if an opportunity is presented.

Therefore, it is important for someone with a secure attachment style to maintain their relationship and not take it for granted that it will always be a healthy one.

So there you go – connections between cheating and attachment styles that you might not have previously been aware of.

Whatever the reason, whether you are cheating and mystified as to how you got to this place or have been cheated on and mystified as to why, understanding the ins and outs of why people cheat could help you figure out next steps.

Of course, knowing your attachment style is an excellent way to measure the likelihood that you will have an affair. Here is a quiz that will help you know yours.

Stopping infidelity before it starts is the best way to stay out of an incredibly painful and destructive situation and giving you the space to keep your primary relationship strong. Get to know yours so that you can get on the path to a healthy relationship instead of a destructive one.

It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are newly involved with a married man or thinking about becoming involved, read this blog.

So many people slip into affairs, not really aware of what will happen to them if and when they do. Women think that its all about love and passion and finding your soulmate but it is WAY more complicated than that.

One of the most surprising things that women feel when they are involved with a married man is that they feel emotions other than the love they feel at the beginning. And most of those emotions are not good ones – in fact, they could very well make any woman’s life a miserable place.

Read on – I know that it might be hard to read these things but they will help you move forward, informed at the very least.

#1 – Like you have found your soulmate.

When someone first gets involved with a married man, the overwhelming love and passion that they feel for this person is intense. More often than not, affairs grow out of friendship, a friendship that has been established and in which confidences have been shared. Even before anything physical happens there is usually intense connection that is strong enough that you would consider having an affair.

Let me tell you – you have not found your soulmate. Yes, you have a wonderful friend who you have developed feelings for and you might feel like he knows you better than anyone else. And those things might be true. But that doesn’t mean you are soul mates.

What it means is that you and this person are living in a bubble made of your own feelings. You aren’t living life together dealing with the day in day out stuff.  You just have time and each other and nothing else in the world. As a result, your connection feels deeper than you think it really is.

And, as time goes on, and your married man is increasingly unavailable to you, you will hold on to that soulmate feeling, believing that because of this, you must be together!

#2-  You will feel incredibly alone.

I know that this is hard to imagine but women who are having an affair with a married man find themselves incredibly lonely much of the time.

Why does this happen? Two reason.

The first is that your married man has a life outside of you. He has a wife who needs him at home, kids to help with homework and soccer games to watch. He will spend holidays with them. He might not be around for your birthday. He might say that you are his priority but he just can’t put you first!

The second is that many women who have affairs with married men put their friendships on the back burner. Perhaps its because they don’t want their friends to know what is going on. But, more likely, the reason they do so is because they want to be available in case their married man is. So, instead of making plans with friends, they hang around home, waiting for their affair partner to call.

#3 – You will feel deceived.

Let me guess – is your married man promising that he will leave his wife. Does he promise that he will be there for your birthday? Does he promise you time away together? Does he ask you to just be patient as he takes his baby steps? (I can’t tell you how many men use that term – baby steps! I have always wondered why.)

And, does he constantly let you down by not following up on those promises? I am guessing yes.

This is one of the most insidious things about having an affair is having someone who you think is your soulmate lie to you over and over and over. To have him promise that he will be there for you and then not show up. To promise that his marriage is over. To promise that you are the priority. To make you promises over and over that he just doesn’t keep.

I 100% believe that when your married man makes his promises truly believing that he will be able to keep them. He truly believes that his marriage is over and that you are his priority and that he will leave his wife soon. But the reality is is that leaving his wife means leaving his family and messing up his finances and losing friends. Leaving his wife is way more complicated than he might have thought it was.

And, at the same time, he is desperate not to lose you. After all, you are the person in his life who loves him and has sex with him and who will listen to all his tales of woe. He doesn’t want to lose you.

And so, he lies. Over and over. Truly believing that what he says his true but proving over and over it not to be so.

#4 – You will go to bed every night feeling hopeless.

Be honest with yourself, does some part of you know that your guy isn’t going to leave his wife?  You want to believe it to be true but you know that it isn’t. And yet, you stick around, hoping that you are wrong.

And, does living with this knowledge make you feel hopeless? Have the repeated lies and disappointments and sadness made you wonder if you will ever truly be happy again? Do you despair that you will be alone forever, waiting for your soulmate to take action.

Do you spend every moment of every day thinking about this? Obsessing about him and every little thing that he says and does, and doesn’t do? Is this exhausting? Do you go to bed at night feeling despair that the same thing will happen again tomorrow?

I am sorry to say this but if you have an affair with a married man, you are going to spend a ton of time feeling hopeless – obsessing about something that you know might not happen. And the hopelessness can easily lead to depression – or worse – which will only make you feel more hopeless.

#5 – The guilt you feel will be overwhelming.

Ok – you are having an affair with a married man – a man who has a wife and, perhaps, children at home. This is something that you truly thought you would never do and yet here you doing it.

Do you feel guilty about it? Perhaps not yet but you will!

You will feel guilty because you know that you are doing something to another woman. Sure, your AF might say that she is a complete bitch and treats him horribly, but the reality is is that she is his wife. (And, probably, not as much a bitch as he says she is) She is a woman who is being lied to and deceived and you are a part of it. Not such a great look for woman to woman solidarity.

Furthermore, you will feel guilty because you are letting yourself down.  You are doing things that you know goes against everything that you believe in. And that will make you feel horrible about yourself and the person you are in the world.

And, unfortunately, that guilt will never pass. Even if the relationship ends, knowing that you let down both another woman and yourself will stick with you indefinitely.

#6 – You will be full of resentment.

If you were in a relationship with someone who was completely available, who wasn’t married, would you put up with the lying and the broken promises? Or would you know that the person is not the right person for you and walk away? This is an important question to ask yourself.

For some reason, women who are dating married men excuse away all the lies and deceit.  They believe that if they just stick around long enough, their guy will eventually do everything that they promised and everyone will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, many women get increasingly resentful of the lies and the broken promises. Of the time that they have to spend alone while their partner is with their family. Of the lack of hope they have to ever be happy or truly loved.

And the person that they feel resentful of is their married guy. And they are left, feeling at the same time deeply in love and deeply resentful. Not healthy.

#7 – Your self-esteem will plummet.

I have a client who is struggling with his self-esteem. He felt like, if he could just start feeling better about himself, his life would be better, particularly his marriage.

When I started to ask him about himself what I learned was that, while he had had emotionally unavailable parents, he was very well educated, he felt like he had lived a full life and he loved his job. What he did not have is a wife who supported him. She felt like he didn’t hustle enough and didn’t make enough money and she constantly nagged him about it.

No wonder his self-esteem is low.

It is the same thing with women who are involved with married men – their self-esteem can be decimated. Months and years of allowing someone to lie to them, of allowing them to make promises and then break them, of not being made a priority, even if they are told that they are. All of these things can really mess with someone’s head – and self-worth.

I know that, one year into an affair with a married man, I was the shell of the person I was before I met him. I had always been self-confident and happy – one year later I was miserable and hating myself.

#8 – You will feel increasingly helpless.

This in one of the hardest things about being involved with a married man – you are completely not in control of the situation. Whatever your married man chooses to do, you must stand by and wait and watch and hope that things will be different. You have no control over whether he leaves his wife or whether he shows ups on your birthday. And, as long as things stay the same, you never will.

What I tell many of my clients is that, while they might feel helpless, they really aren’t. Yes, they can’t control whether or not their married man leaves his wife but they can control their own actions!

They can choose to not put up with the lying. They can choose to not hope that things will turn out differently this time. They can also, most of all, choose to walk away. To get away from this situation and move on and find love somewhere else. They can choose that.

I know that you might feel like you just can’t do this, and I get it. But you do have the control to do so, should you choose to use it.

#9 – You will be angry. Very angry.

When you think back to the beginning of your affair, were you floating in a dreamland, sure that you were finally going to be happy? As time has passed and there have been a thousand little cuts as he lies to you, are you still floating? I am guessing not.

I am guessing that what you might be feeling is anger. Sure, when he is there, you might float a bit, but I am sure that at least part of the time that you spend together involves you arguing about what he isn’t doing. And, when he leaves and goes back to your family, you are left sad and frustrated, feelings that, more often, turn into angry.

You will be angry with him for deceiving you. You will be mad at his wife for not letting him go.  You will be mad at his kids because they are the priority. And, mostly, you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it all.

No one wants to be angry – it uses up so much energy and leaves us feeling depleted. And, when anger is part of our everyday life, especially if it is bound with depression, it can really tear us apart.

So there you go, 9 emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you and your married man are different. That your love is so strong that none of these things will happen to you. And I wish that I could agree with you, but I just can’t.

In my 10 years as a life coach, there hasn’t been a single instance where a woman didn’t feel all these things. The married men will break their promises, the women will forgive them and the cycle will repeat itself over and over, leaving everyone broken and depleted.

So, think carefully if you are about to embark on an affair with a married man. I know it seems like romance and lust right now but that will change. I promise. If you are already suffering in an affair, just know that you CAN CHANGE THINGS. It is possible to walk away and be happy. Many, many, many women do it everyday!

You can too!

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

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9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

In my experience, very few people set out to have an affair. One way or another, they fall into one – often not even aware that they are doing so.

For both men and women, there are life circumstances that can make one vulnerable to having an affair, things that are important to understand before going into an affair. I know that, for me, I was just plain lonely and bored and when my affair partner came along, he added something to my life that was exciting.

So, let me share with you 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair so that you can understand what issues you might be dealing with that are leading you down this path.

#1 – Their lives are lonely.

I would say that there if there was a number one thing that would make a woman vulnerable to having an affair, or that would lead to someone doing something that isn’t otherwise good for them, its because they are lonely.

Human beings are meant to have relationships, both platonic and romantic. When they don’t have those connections, they can sometimes be desperate to find them. This is the case with many trolls online – they are lonely with their only connection being the internet. For many of them, they are just so unhappy they behave in ways that they might not otherwise have done so.

There are many reasons that someone is lonely. Perhaps it is emotional abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps it is because they spend too much time focused on work and friendships have fallen by the wayside. Perhaps they are shy and have a hard time making friends. Whatever the reason, loneliness can make a woman vulnerable to infidelity.

So ask yourself if you are lonely. If yes, what can you do to fix that loneliness outside of having an affair?

#2 – They are bored, bored, bored.

If you have kids, you know when it is that they are mostly likely to cause trouble – when they are bored. When they have nothing to do and are looking for a little excitement. When its not readily available, they can make wrong choices to cause some drama, and therefore excitement.

Its the same thing with adults – if we are bored we can get ourselves in trouble. Perhaps we snack too much because there is nothing else to do. Or watch too much TV. Or spend too much time scrolling. Whatever we do, to fill the boredom we do things that aren’t necessarily good for us.

A client of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had always been the stay at home parent and he was a huge part of her life. When he was gone, that space was empty. Instead of having him to care for, she had nothing but empty space. And that empty space she finally filled by having an affair with a married man.

She was no longer bored but she was unhappy. That is the topic for another blog!

vulnerable to having an affair

#3 – They are feeling depressed and hopeless.

Other than heartbreak, I think that the worst feeling in the world is being depressed. For those of you who struggle with depression, you know what I am talking about.

When we are depressed we have no hope for the future. We feeling horrible about ourselves and the world around us. We might act out, trying to make others unhappy. Or we might isolate, not being able to tolerate the presence of others.

When we are depressed, we will find virtually anything that we can to ease that depression.

I have a client who was struggling with depression in a big way. She felt alone and hopeless. And then one day she started talking to a man at work who was depressed as well. For the first time in a long time, she felt understood. This mutual confession joined my client and her male friend and, before they knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

So, consider if you might be depressed. If you are so, consider getting some professional support to help you through it instead of using the feel good chemicals that come from an affair to temporary ease your pain.

#4 – They are struggling with low self-esteem.

Anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem can really struggle to make good choices.

Someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves and have no faith in themselves. They feel like they are losers who no one will ever find attractive. They believe that they will be alone forever. They believe that they will never be happy because they are the kind of person no one would ever want to be with.

As a result, someone with low self-esteem would be very vulnerable to having an affair.

Imagine if you felt really bad about yourself – how you look and who you are in the world. And then along comes someone who wants to be with you. Who admires you and lets you know it. That feeling would be amazing – one that you would want as much of you can.

Unfortunately, while at the beginning having an affair might boost your self esteem, know that, as the affair goes on, your self-esteem will deflate again. Being involved with someone who you shouldn’t be involved with, and not being able to let go, will only make you feel horrible about yourself.

#5 – They seek revenge for past wrongs.

This is not a common reason why women have affairs but it does happen.

Women can sometimes have affairs because they want to get revenge for something that has been done unto them.

I have a client whose husband fooled around on her, many times. She knew about the affairs and they devastated her but she was never able to find the courage to face him about it. When she was given the opportunity to have an affair, she leapt at it. After all, if he could do it, she could too. She hoped that she would cause him more pain then he had caused her.

Women can also be vulnerable to having an affair with the spouse of a woman who had wronged them. Again, in my experience, this is not common but it does happen. If someone feels betrayed by someone, if given the option to make that person hurt as much as they do, they just might jump at it.

Unfortunately, while having an affair might feel like you are getting revenge on someone, ultimately, you are only hurting yourself.

#6 – They want to feel noticed and admired.

For many women, they just want to feel admired. To be told that they are beautiful, smart, kind, funny etc. And, for many women, especially ones who are married, they don’t feel admired – they might even feel completely ignored.

Marriage and relationships often lead to complacency – to people no longer making the effort to make their person feel loved and admired. A partner might believe that they don’t need to tell their partner how they feel because they believe their person knows. Or perhaps they just don’t feel the admiration any longer because of lots of unresolved issues. Either way, if someone does not feel admired by someone they once loved, it would make them vulnerable to seeking out someone who does admire them.

And, of course, many women who are single also feel like they aren’t admired. They aren’t appreciated for who they are in the world. And this lack of recognition can lead to the low self esteem I mentioned above, making them vulnerable to having an affair with a married man.

So, consider whether you are feeling ignored. If yes, this new admiration that you are currently on the receiving end of might lead you to down the path to infidelity.

#7 – They have experienced trauma.

For many of us, dealing with trauma is something that we have little experience in. Therefore, when we experience a tragedy, we often have no idea how to deal with it.

And trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can be the death of a parent. It can be losing a dream job. It can be a divorce. Or the loss of a pet.

Whatever the reason, trauma can really shake up ones life and getting through it can be very difficult.

I had a client who was taking care of her mother as she slowly died from cancer. She was consumed with taking care of her mother, watching her suffer. The feelings that she were feeling were completely overwhelming.

When the parent of one of her son’s school friends reached out to her because he had experienced the same thing, she immediately connected with him. Not only did he understand what she was going through, he was proof that you could come out the other side of grief intact.

She spent more and more time with him, getting the emotional support that she needed to manage her mom’s cancer and, before she knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

Unfortunately, while the affair for a while helped ease her pain, with time, it only made things worse.

#8 – They have been abandoned emotionally.

I often say that its easier to be single and not getting love than being married and being emotionally abandoned. After all, there is someone right in front of them who should be filling their emotional needs and they are just failing to do so.

And, particularly for women, not having our emotional needs met can make us off kilter in a big way. We seek emotional connection wherever we can, just wanted to feel something from someone else.

What could be the best place to access this kind of emotional connection? Perhaps someone else who is feeling the same way – no longer loved by their partner. When two people who have been emotionally abandoned meet, they can see and feel, for the first time in a long time, what it feels like to be loved.

And that, I am afraid, is intoxicating.

#9 – They are horny.

Sex might seem, especially to someone who has never had an affair, as the reason why affairs happen. After all, this is how society tends to frame infidelity – all about the illicit sex.

That being said, in my experience, very few of my clients have an affair because they are seeking sex. More often, they are vulnerable for all the reasons that I listed above and, when they find that support dealing with these issues, the get support and they develop feelings.

And, for many people, they might develop feelings for this person but they firmly believe that they will never have sex with them. And then, because they get so connected to this person, they find themselves being intimate with them.

So, just wanting sex can definitely be something that makes a woman vulnerable to having an affair but, in my experience, it is more often a motivating factor for men instead of women.

So, there you go – 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair.

Of course, all women who are dealing with these issues won’t fall into having an affair. They will either live with them or seek help to deal with them, hopefully finding some peace in their lives. But, many women who are struggling with feeing generally bad about themselves and their place in the world are the kind of women who might seek solace somewhere, often finding it somewhere that, ultimately, might only make things worse!

 

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

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9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

When women enter into affairs with married men, they go in being overwhelmed with lust and love and believing that they have finally found their soul mate. Being with this man, even though he is married, is worth any risk.

And I get it. I have been there. But, let me tell you, as the affair drags on, that lust and love will fall to the wayside and other emotions will take over. And these emotions are not good.

Perhaps understanding the consequences of dating a married man before you start doing so will help you not enter into the affair in the first place and save you a whole lot of heartache.

To that end, here are 9 consequences of dating a married man for you to consider before you take next steps.

#1 – You will get addicted to the relationship and be unable to let go.

So many of my clients tell me that when they started their affair with a married man, they were determined to only get intimate once. They had fallen in love with their person over a period of time and with that love came attraction. They felt like feeling their emotions was ok but that having sex would be over the line. So, as the attraction built, they told themselves that they could get some release if they just had sex one time.

Yeah, right. I am afraid that it doesn’t work that way.

On the most basic level, when a woman has sex with someone she, more often than not, becomes more attached to that person. It doesn’t work this way for men but for women it does. So, when my clients have sex with their married man, they got more attached, not less.

And, as the relationship goes on, they could only focus on getting both that love and the affection. It became like an addiction. The feel-good chemical, dopamine, that was released every time they were together was something that they felt like they couldn’t live without. They developed a physical need to be with their person, no matter the consequences, all the time. When they didn’t get them, they sunk into a depression until the next time.

If you found yourself addicted to a drug or alcohol, it would be clear to see and perhaps you could get help. With a relationship with a married man, the addiction is harder to spot and therefore more insidious.

#2 – You will lose touch with who you are as a person.

When I was having an affair with a married man, I totally lost myself.

Before I started up with him, I was a woman in a great place in my life. I had recently moved to NYC, my coaching business was ramping up and I felt really strong and healthy. And then, the man who I had been in unrequited love with in college appeared on my doorstep and that was that for me. I put myself to the side and embarked on what promised to be the love affair of all love affairs.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

As the affair continued, I started to lose sight of everything that was good about me. I was no longer the single girl living my best life in NYC and I was now the pathetic other woman who waited around for a man to give her some time.

After a year of this, I found that I had become a shell of the person who I was when I fell in love with my married man. That person who had felt so good about her place in the world was gone.

dating a married man

#3 – You will put your own life on hold.

One of the worst part of being involved with a married man is that your time no longer becomes your own. Because your married man has a wife and a family and a whole other life, they will not be available to you at regular intervals. As a result, you will spend a ton of time alone, waiting for your man to become available. Time that you would have spent out there living your life will be spent waiting by the phone for your man to call.

Furthermore, the longer that you are involved with a married man, the less likely it will be that you can find someone else to love you, someone who is available and ready to build a relationship with you. Many women who are having affairs with married men try to date on the side, trying to get away from their married man. Let me tell you – it never works! As long as your energy is focused on your married man, you will never meet someone else.

Life is short. Wasting even a minute of it on someone who can’t give you the best life and who can’t make you a priority will only hold you back from living yours.

#4 – You could damage your relationship with your friends.

For many of my clients, when they are having a relationship with a married man they sometimes lose their friendships.

This happens for many reasons. They lose them because their friends don’t approve of what the affair or, worse, because the friends know that something is being kept from them if they aren’t told about what is going on. Or, they have to spend a ton of time processing the affair, giving out advice that is ignored. Or, they no longer get time with their friends because they are waiting around for their lover to have time for them.

Losing friends because of an affair is bad for many reasons. You are letting go of people you were with you when you weren’t with this guy, that person your friends loved. Not having friends who will spend time with you will only isolate you further. And, when you finally decide to let go of your married man (which you hopefully will), you will have no friends to help you get through it.

Take a look around at your friends – are they worth sacrificing for some guy?

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

Imagine spending the next period of time not being your man’s priority. Being the person who gets left alone on Christmases and your birthday. Who can’t travel because you want to be available for your lover. Who knows that there are many reasons why he won’t be there when you need him.

And, imagine being on the receiving end of promises that your man will leave his wife. Or that you are the love of his life and that he could never love his wife again. Or that he will be there when you need him. Being repeatedly made promises to that are broken.

If you are in a relationship where you are lied to and let down, its hard for it not to wreck your self esteem. After all, you are repeatedly treated like you aren’t a priority, like you are second choice to a man who loves you.

And, the more your self esteem gets damaged, the less likely you are to see that you deserve more than a half-assed relationship with a guy who truly isn’t available.

#6 – Your will no longer be able to trust any man.

One of the worst parts of being involved with a married man is the lies. The lies that he will be there when you need him; that he will leave his wife; that you will live happily ever after.

Now, I truly believe that many married men believe their promises, that they really will be able to put their lover first and leave their wives, but they NEVER do. I don’t know a single married man who has left his wife and lived happily ever after with his lover.

For a woman, being lied to over and over by someone who says they love them will ultimately scar them enough that the idea of ever trusting another man will be untenable. After all, if your lover can do this over and over, why can’t any other man?

#7 – You will become obsessed with him and the situation.

As I have said above, when you are in a relationship with a married man, you will lose yourself. Your self-esteem will be damaged. You might even lose your friends. And the primary reason for this is because you will become obsessed with the relationship and the idea that he won’t leave his wife.

Without exception, my clients who are having affairs with married men spend every minute of their day thinking about him and the situation. They think about when they will see them. What they will wear when they do. They wonder if their married man will have to change his plans. What if he can’t stay as long as he said he would?

Furthermore, my clients wonder why their married man won’t follow through on his promises – to leave his wife and to be with them. They think about it constantly and a significant part of the time they spend with their person is spent discussing just this topic – why he won’t leave.

My clients try to talk their partner into the reasons they should leave. They ask for details of every minute that their partner spend with their wives. They cry and scream and promise to leave, all in the vain attempt to settle the situation and ease their pain.

And, unfortunately, the obsession will never stop because your married man will never leave his wife, no matter what he promises. Leaving his wife means leaving his family and damaging his finances and that he will never do!

#8 – Your vitality will be sapped.

Think about how you take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. When you are depressed or angry or frustrated or whatever. Ideally, when you are feeling that way, you get outside and exercise, to work off your feelings.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that women don’t take care of themselves when they are feeling some way. They take to the couch with ice cream or they stay up all night watching “Love is Blind.” They stop sleeping and stop eating well and their mental and physical health slowly falls apart.

When someone is feeling unhealthy and not good about themselves, it is impossible to make a good decision about anything.  Having low self esteem and having difficulty thinking clearly only leads someone to continue to make bad decisions or to not make any decisions at all. As a result, they stay stuck in a situation, namely their affair, that is killing them.

#9 – You will not live happily ever after.

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking that none of the things above will apply to you and your lover. After all, your love is one for the ages and nothing is going to get in the way of the two of you being together. Your man worships you and will take the steps that he needs to take to keep his promises and make you happy.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way – and not because he doesn’t love you and you don’t have a good connection.

It happens because your lover is weak and just won’t be able to leave his wife and his family.

As I said above, a man might want to leave his wife because he is unhappy with her but he doesn’t want to leave his children. He doesn’t want to risk a healthy relationship with his kids. He doesn’t want to mess up the finances he has spent his adult life building. He doesn’t want to have to abandon the social life that he and his wife have created together.

And so, in spite of his promises and good intentions, your married man just won’t leave. I am sorry but it is true.

So there you go, 9 surprising consequences that will happen if you are dating a married man.

Again, most of my clients don’t believe when I share with them what I have learned over the years from working with hundreds of clients in the same situation. They truly believe that their relationship is different and that it will work out.

But, sooner than later, they see that I am correct. That they are miserable and that, even though they might hold out hope, their affair is not going to end the way that they hoped it would.

Again, your lover might love you – and I am sure he does – but being in affair will ensure that you no longer love yourself. This, I am afraid, will cause more destruction then you ever could image right now as you read this article, madly in love, thinking about having an affair.

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