7 Surprising Signs of a Cheating Spouse

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As long as there has been marriage there has been infidelity. Not that its okay – it just is.

Traditionally, signs of cheating have been obvious. The cheater spends more time away from home. They can be difficult to reach. They aren’t always honest about how they spend their time. Perhaps a stray love letter or text gets discovered.

And, while those things can be signs of infidelity, there are signs of a cheating spouse that are harder to identify. Knowing what they are might help you glean the truth about what is happening in your marriage so that you can decide next steps for yourself!

#1 – They look different.

Take a good look at your spouse (something that perhaps you haven’t done for a while because they are, well, your spouse and you don’t notice them as much as you used to?).

Do you see anything different? Are they wearing their hair differently? Are they wearing something that you have never seen before? Are they shaving places that they haven’t groomed for years?

For many people who embark upon affairs, the things that they had neglected for years, like how they dress or how they present themselves, often get renewed attention.

For people who are cheating, they want to look good for their person. They want to feel desirable. They might even want to mold themselves into someone their person might want them to be.

So, does your spouse look even a little bit different than they usually do? If yes, there is a chance that it could be a sign that they might be cheating.

#2-  There are strange things in the garbage can.

I know, I know. Why should you go pawing through the garbage to find signs that your spouse is cheating? It seems a little bit extreme, no? Unfortunately, it is not.

People who are in affairs, much like that they groom themselves differently, might buy things that they don’t usually buy. And, often, I don’t know why, they carelessly toss detritus from those items in the trash.

What kind of items? Usually small ones, like sales tags or receipts. Sometimes its bigger – perhaps packaging. Sometimes they even discard the shop bag. In our throw away society, we don’t tend to think about trash consciously so we often just toss it aside without thinking.

So, if you are noticing some unusual items in your trash, pay attention. It could be a sign that your spouse is up to something.

#3 – They seem distracted.

Most of my clients who are having affairs tell me that they are incredibly distracted.

They find that they can’t concentrate on work. That at the family dinner table they don’t engage in conversation. They say that they forget simple things, like taking a pot off the stove. They miss appointments and are late picking up their kids from school.

Does your spouse seem unusually distracted? Do they seem distant and sometimes incommunicative? Do they forget things that they have never forgotten before?

This could be a sign that something is going on and might merit some extra attention.

#4 – Their friends are acting strange.

When someone is having an affair, the desire to keep it a secret and the need to share what is happening are in conflict. Affairs are exciting and messy and many people, in spite of their best interests, need someone to confide in.

While, ideally, a cheater would be seeking professional help to address what they are doing, more often, they seek support from a friend. And friends, unfortunately, aren’t always good at keeping a secret or at keeping a poker face.

So, how are your spouse’s friends behaving? Are any of them distant? Do any of them say strange things, things that you don’t understand? Do you find your spouse spending more time with them than usual?

Our spouse’s friends can often be their worst enemies. Pay attention to their interaction with their friends and their friends’ interactions with you. If anything has changed, it could be a sign that your spouse is cheating.

#5 – They are more emotional than usual.

Affairs bring out emotions, in more ways that one.

Of course there is excitement and passion – obviously. But there is also guilt. And shame. And confusion. All things that, when push comes to shove, can be completely overwhelming.

For a client of mine, she found that she was crying all the time. She loved her affair partner madly but she also was overwhelmed by her feelings of guilt for her spouse. She also was desperately unhappy in her marriage and that made her incredibly sad as well.

As a result, my client found that she was crying all the time. Furthermore, she found that she was impatient and quick to anger. These were emotions that she had never experienced and she was overwhelmed by them.

And her husband? He had no idea what to do with his wife’s emotions.  They had always scared him but their new intensity was overwhelming.

So, how is your partner’s emotional regulation? Do you find that they are more emotional than usual? If yes, it could be a sign that they are being unfaithful.

 

signs of a cheating spouse

signs of a cheating spouse

#6 – They want more sex.

Yes, I know that this one is counterintuitive – why would someone who is having an affair want more sex.

When someone is having an affair, particularly at the beginning, their hormones are in overdrive. Their need to touch and be touched is intense. They are constantly thinking about sex. They are pulsing with feel good hormones.  Sex is a driving force in their lives.

This happens, too, when we are in any new relationship – the attraction is part of what makes that period of time so much fun.

Ironically, the affair partner is not always available to fulfill this sexual need and, therefore, the cheater turns to their spouse to scratch their itch. Horrible, I know.

So, is your spouse more interested in sex then they have been for a while? If yes, pay attention.

#7 – Your gut tells you so.

This is that biggest sign to look out for and the one that we ignore all the time – our gut.

Our gut is the thing that keeps human beings alive. It’s the thing that signals danger so that we can get away from what threatens us. It tells us that what we are seeing isn’t necessarily the truth. It warns us when we are making a choice that isn’t right for us.

In short, our gut is our red flag spotter. And it’s something that we, more often than not, ignore.

I have a client whose husband has started buying new underwear. He is working out. He spends a lot of time walking on the beach, where there is no cell service. He is more impatient with her than usual.

For me, I see all the signs of infidelity. For her, she absolutely refuses to believe that it is possible – her gut tells her so! As a result, she is miserable and living a life that isn’t satisfying her. Ultimately, I am afraid, she will find out the truth and it will be devastating for her.

So there you are – 7 surprising signs that your spouse might be cheating.

Of courses, all of the things that I have written about are not necessarily signs of infidelity. But they are things to look out for and, if these things are found in combination, might be meaningful.

I know that they are small things but it is small things that make the difference in life. And small things that we often miss. Small things that noticing might be life changing.

If you are suspecting that your spouse might be cheating, keep an eye out for the small things. You will be glad that you did!

5 Pros and Cons of Dating a Married Man

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Let me say first and foremost that having an affair with a married man is a really bad idea. For so many reasons.

If you are having one, you probably know this. If you are thinking about having one, read this article carefully!

Years ago, I had an affair with a married man so the information that I share below I know first hand. I also know, from my clients, that they are true of every woman having an affair with a married man.

Without further ado, here are 5 pros and cons of dating a married man so that you can be aware of what you are getting yourself into.

Pro: You won’t have to commit.

For many women, committing to a relationship is not something that they are interested in.

Whether it’s because they have a life they don’t want to change or whether they aren’t willing to make their heart vulnerable, they are happy to have something on the side but don’t want to have to be obligated.

Con: You will be alone more than you want to be.

Of course, if we choose to not commit and to have space that is great. But, if we WANT to spend time with our person it won’t feel good that they , more often than not, will not be available.

Why? Because your married man has a family and a life. Those things will always come first.

Pro: You will feel love like you have never felt before.

When you are involved with a married man, you will be living inside a bubble, a bubble without extended family or financial worries or kids issues. As a result, your love will only feel wonderful and you will believe that the two of you are soulmates, destined to  live happily ever after.

Con: That love will be not be enough.

You live in a bubble. The time you share just isn’t a reflection of real life. Therefore, you are in love with a man you don’t really know, a man who exists for you without all the issues of real life.

I know that when I got to start spending time in the real world with my married man, I found out that he was BORING and I had to walk away.

Two red hearts with a broken one on them.

Pro: You will be promised the world.

Married men are so thankful that they have someone to love them and have sex with them and listen to their tales of woe that they are willing to do anything to keep their lover.

And they truly believe that they are strong enough to follow through and leave their wife and you will live happily ever after.

Con: They will (often unintentionally) be lying to you.

Married men truly do believe that they will do what they say that they are going to do – leave their wives. But, the reality is, I have never known a man to leave his wife and, if he does, he only does it for a short while and then he goes back home.

The reason that your married man won’t leave his wife is not because he doesn’t love you enough but because leaving his wife means leaving his family, wrecking his finances and damaging his social life, all things that he has spent years building and things that he doesn’t want to abandon.

Pro: You will believe that you have found your soul mate.

As I said before, many women who have affairs with married men believe that they have found their soulmate. The one person who truly gets them and who gives them the love that they have always sought.

Con: You haven’t

How can the person who is your soulmate hurt you over and over and over? How can they make you promises and not follow through? How can they say that you are the most important thing in the world to him and then not be there when you want or need them?

Pro: You will feel beautiful and sexy and lovable.

Sure, you will feel all of those things when you are dating a married man.

Your relationship is fresh and new and that is when women feel most loved.

Furthermore, your married man will admire the independent woman that you are, out in the world, living your life while he is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

And, of course, he believes that you are his soul mate and his life raft and he will flood you will platitudes and gifts and moments of pleasure because he wants to keep you happy enough.

Con: You will lose yourself.

I know that when I met my married guy, I was a confident single person in the world. I had just moved to NYC, I was fitter than I had ever been in my life, I was building a business and had great friends.

And, then, I met him and, for a while things were great. Until they weren’t.

The broken promises, the not being a priority, the time spent a long, the hopelessness that I felt for the future all brought me to my knees.

I was a shell of the person I was before I met him, a shadow that didn’t go away until I walked away.

So there you go, 5 pros and cons of dating a married man.

There are many more cons that I could share with you but I will leave it there. I am guessing you get the idea.

Again, I am not advocating for having an affair with a married man. As a matter of fact, I wish I could reach through this blog and warn YOU of the dangers that lie ahead if you go down this road.

But, it’s up to you to make this decision. Think long and hard before you do – you will be happy you did!

5 Lies Your Married Men Will Tell You Over and Over

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are in a relationship with a married man and that it’s not going well. Or, perhaps, you are considering getting involved with a married man and you are doing some research ahead of time.

Good for you. Because getting involved with a married man is one of the most heartbreaking, soul crushing things that you could ever do.

Why? Because your entire relationship will be based on lies, some of them lies he doesn’t even know that he is telling.

There will be many lies that your married man will tell you – here are 5 of them.

#1 – That you are his top priority.

Does your married man always tell you that you are his top priority. That every choice he makes and everything that he does is with you at the top of his mind?

Even as he says these things, do his actions speak louder than his words? I am guessing yes – that you never, ever feel like a priority.

How can a man make you a priority when you are a secret? Your married man essentially has two lives – the real one in which he has a wife, a family, a social life, a career, perhaps even a pet, and then the one he has with you, inside your little bubble.

And societal exceptions are such that your married man must step up and take care of his family and his work and therefore, he must choose them every time. If he doesn’t, and he can’t give reason to why he is slacking, your man will lose face. He won’t feel like the man who he should be, living up to his responsibilities, and he won’t feel good about that.

So know that, every time, he will make his real life the priority, even if he doesn’t believe that he will. He will choose his real life over your birthday and when you are sick or when you are lonely.

I do believe that your married man might believe that he makes you a priority but the reality is that, even if he wanted to, he just can’t.

#2 – That he will leave his wife.

I know – this is one you lie you will hear over and over and over – that he will leave his wife and you will be together.

And, as much as your guy might want to believe that he will, he won’t.

Why? Because it’s not just about leaving his wife. It’s about leaving his kids and his social group and damaging his finances and disappointing people he cares about.

I have a client whose affair partner told her that he was ready to leave his wife. His wife had learned about the affair and was making his life miserable and he wanted out.

His wife gave him thirty days to make a choice – his wife or his affair partner. And, even though for 2 years he had told his affair partner that he wanted out of the marriage, and swearing that this time he was going to do it, he didn’t leave his wife. He stayed with the wife he didn’t want to be married to but also with the kids and the grandkids who he loved very much.

I know that you are thinking that your married man cares about you – very much – and that things will be different with you. And I am sure that he wants to be with you as well but, I am afraid, only in a parallel world – one where he can be with you and not hurt those he loves and destroy his finances.

#3 – That you are his soul mate.

Every single client I have ever had who had an affair told me that their affair partner was their soul mate. That they had a connection like none other and that they were cosmically meant to be together. I felt that way too, when I was having an affair with a married man, so I get it.

But, it’s bullshit, I am afraid.

The two of you have come together in a bubble. Everything that you share is magical because the time you have together is brief and intense. You don’t have to fight about money and kids.  You have amazing sex. You can tell each other anything. You even say you trust each other.

The reality is is that, on the most basic level, this guy is not your soul mate. How could your soul mate be someone who treats you this way. Someone who breaks promises and doesn’t do what he says he is going to do.

And, be honest with yourself. If you were with this guy in the real world, not the guy you believe that he could be but the guy he is right now, would you really live happily ever after? Or do you see some serious red flags that might have caused you to walk away from someone who wasn’t married and with whom you were just dating?

If you insist on thinking that your affair partner is your soul mate, consider this:  Elizabeth Gilbert, in “Eat Pray Love,†avers that soul mates are people who come into your life, shake things up and then walk away. And isn’t this what this guy has done? Hasn’t he woken you up to what you want in a relationship? Hasn’t he made you question how you make choices? Hasn’t it made you remember how good sex can be? Maybe you should walk away from your married man and find out who exactly YOU can be!

Again, while your married man might say that you are his soul mate, when you are lying in your bed at 2am, lonely again, ask yourself whether what he says is true.

#4 – That he doesn’t want to hurt you.

I am guessing that your affair partner tells you every day that he doesn’t want to hurt you. That he loves you and that you are his priority and that any pain that he causes you causes him pain as well.

And I’m guessing that he means it, to an extent. But if he really didn’t want to hurt you, he would give you what you needed instead of telling you one thing and doing something differently, instead of stringing you along, making you miserable.

Nobody wants to hurt someone who they care about. Your affair partner doesn’t want to hurt you, but he also don’t want to hurt his wife or his children so, in order to not hurt you, they must hurt them. And vice versa. And he knows this.

Again, this one is most likely not an intentional lie, and it is something that he says that he doesn’t want to do but it is something that he will do over and over.

So every time your partner says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, just know that he’s lying. That he will continue to hurt you over and over because he will never make you a priority and will choose to hurt you over hurting his wife and family.

#5 – That his unhappiness is all his wife’s fault.

I also have to say, quite bluntly, that it’s just bullshit if your married man is telling you that him being unhappy is all his wife’s fault.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients tell me that their affair partner’s wife refuses to have sex with them, or treats them horribly or never listens to them or has lost all respect for them or any other horrible thing that he believes to be true in his marriage.

But think about it. I’m sure you have friends who are in unhappy relationships, and they don’t always treat their partners as well as they might because of their unhappiness. I am sure you have even been there. None of them are bad people – they are just unhappy.

And bad behavior doesn’t happen in a void. One person doesn’t just become evil while the other one stands innocently by, unbelieving.

Remember, there are two people in every relationship and two different perspectives about that relationship. If you believe that your affair partners wife is everything that he says she is, you’ll just be believing a lie.

Furthermore, know that,  if you do end up with him, you might someday be the person he will blame if your relationship has trouble. You want to be with someone who recognizes his role around difficulties in a relationship and not blame them all on someone else.

So there you go, five lies your married men will tell you, over and over and over.

Nobody wants to lie and, more likely not, your married man doesn’t believe that he is lying. He believes that he is the man he is presenting to you. He believes that you are his top priority and that he will leave his wife and that you are his soulmate and that his unhappiness is his wife’s fault. But the reality is, he is a product of wishful thinking. He is somebody who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who hasn’t taken any responsibility for issues in his relationship.

As a result, to protect himself, he lies, over and over.

Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who lies to you again and again? If your married man wasn’t married and you were just in a regular relationship, would you put up with these kind of lies?

I’m guessing not.

Don’t put up with them in this situation. Walk away…you deserve more.

9 Things that Make Men Vulnerable to Having an Affair

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I believe that no one sets out to have an affair. That affairs are things that, more often than not, result from issues entirely unrelated to the affair itself.

Understanding what those issues are so that they can be dealt with before an affair destroys lives is the best way to keep one’s love life healthy and on track.

#1 — Loneliness.

This is probably the most obvious reason that someone might embark on an affair. If one is lonely, they are vulnerable to getting into any kind of relationship, including an affair.

Many men are exhausted from dating apps and wasted time going on dates with women who aren’t right. When someone appears in their life, married or not, who they are emotionally and physically attracted to, they see someone who can assuage their loneliness.

Unfortunately, this “cure†for loneliness will be a fleeting one as being involved in an affair ultimately only leads to more loneliness and despair.

Don’t use loneliness as excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with — and don’t use it as an excuse to stay in an affair when you know that you shouldn’t!

#2 – Feeling ignored.

For many of my male clients, feeling ignored is a big factor in why they get involved with someone who isn’t their partner.

In many relationships, particularly long term ones or ones with children, men go from being a priority in their partner’s life to being someone who is pretty far down on the priority list. And, because men don’t like to make a fuss, they tend to keep quiet about their dissatisfaction with their place on the ladder.

Unfortunately, staying quiet only fuels the unhappiness of being ignored which makes a man vulnerable when another person comes along, someone who does make them a priority and makes them feel loved.

#3 – Needing sex.

Men need sex. Women do too of course but, for most men I have spoken to, sex is a driving force in their lives, something they think about almost every minute of every day.

When a man is in a relationship with someone who they used to have sex with but with whom sexual encounters are now rare, they often develop a yearning for sex that can, at times, be overpowering. Even worse for many men, their partners continue to have sex with them but only because they feel like they must.

As a result, when someone comes along who not only will have sex with them but who fully desires them, cheating becomes a previously unconsidered possibility. Their sexual drive can take over from their logical thinking and they can fall into infidelity before they even know it.

#4 — Commitment issues.

I know that it almost seems like a trope that men have commitment issues but, like women, they do.

Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps they are afraid of abandonment such as a parent did to them. Perhaps they don’t want to give up their independence. Perhaps they are concerned their career will suffer. Perhaps they just aren’t ready to settle down.

For whatever reason, men who are in relationship often self-sabotage because of these fears.

Why are men who have commitment issues vulnerable to having an affair? Because in an affair, particularly if your affair partner is married, you don’t have to commit. In an affair you get to have fun times and sex when you want it and then go back to your regular life and to the partner you are scared to commit to.

Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider if that’s why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues and consider if perhaps addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them would be a good idea.

#6 – Something big is happening.

Many of my clients have had affairs when something big is happening in their lives.

One client had an affair when their mother was dying. One had an affair when they lost their job. One had an affair when they were struggling with depression.

Why does having something big happening in one’s life tie into having an affair?

Because affairs give people the hit of dopamine, that feel-good chemical, that helps them manage their emotions temporarily. An affair distracts them from the difficulties of the world. In an affair, they most likely have a partner they can discuss difficult issues with safely.

So, if you are going through something big and are reading this article, know that considering having an affair might be directly related to that.

#5 — Their father did it.

I know — we all believe that we can break away from the patterns that our fathers taught us. After all, we are younger and wiser and times have changed, correct? Nope.

My father had affair after affair and they played out all through my childhood and adolescent years. I remember going to the office with him when I was in third grade and knew that the woman I met was having an affair with my dad. Over the years, my siblings and I were lied to and deceived and watched our mom fall further into despair. We had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

So, what happened? I had an affair. I knew that I was repeating history, but I just couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!)

Did your father cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma and don’t let yourself sink down into an affair.

#6 — The past.

One of my clients had an affair on his wife with his college girlfriend. They had reconnected by chance online. Their relationship had ended badly but as soon as they met up all the old feelings came rushing back. Soon, they were involved in an affair that was exciting and took them back to their glory days. Unfortunately, their trip down memory lane hurt a lot of people.

In this time of ubiquitous social media, this happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love and it takes them back their younger days, when the future was bright and love was easy. That being said, the past is the past and your ex is your ex for a reason.

So, don’t be fooled into thinking that a past love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)

#7 — An unhappy marriage.

This is most the most common reason that men have affairs — because they are in an unhappy marriage.

I always say that people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their life. That some piece of their marriage is missing and that it’s easier to move on to someone new than try to address the issue at home.

And to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional and/or physical needs are being met elsewhere, the desire to work on a relationship vanishes so those issues just never get addressed. As a result, the need for the affair persists – a dangerous thing for all.

#8 – Self esteem issues.

Many men who enter into affairs have self-esteem issues.

Some of these issues are deep seated, hailing back from childhood. Some are the result of being in an unhappy relationship where they aren’t treated well. Some are the result of life circumstances, like losing a job.

Whatever the reason, men with self-esteem issues are very vulnerable to having an affair. Why?

Because the affair makes them feel good about themselves. They feel loved. They feel heard. They feel wanted and are praised for their sexual prowess. And they get that feel-good dopamine hit that can immediately raise someone out of a dark place, albeit temporarily.

#9 – Wanting to be admired.

We all want to be admired for who we are and how we look and the things that we do.

Unfortunately, for people in long term relationships, admiration often has been put to the side. It’s not necessarily because the partners no longer admire each other (although that is often the case after a thousand little cuts over the years). It’s because people start taking each other for granted. They no longer see the things that they used to praise their partner for. They don’t do it on purpose but they do do it.

People having affairs are awash with admiration. Their affair partner thinks that they are perfect, that everything they do is perfect, and they tell them that repeatedly. Unfortunately, like any relationship, with time this seeing your person as the ideal fades as their humanness becomes evident so an affair is a short term fix to a long term problem.

So there you go – 9 reasons why a man might be vulnerable to having an affair.

No one wants to have an affair. No one wants to cheat on someone they care about or do something that doesn’t feel good. But affairs happen, for a variety of reasons.

If someone can understand what it is in him that might be leading him down the path to an affair, he just might seek a means of addressing those issues before things get out of control.

The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

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If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

Can I Help My Wife Heal after I Cheated? Yes, You Can!

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First of all, good for you for wondering how you can help your wife heal after you cheated. Many cheaters don’t do this and good for you for seeking to learn how to do so.

Cheating can have a devastating effect on a relationship, on the cheater and on the person who was cheated on. For many people, cheating leads a lifetime of feeling guilty or hurt or distrustful or self-hatred, all things that are detrimental not only to a couple but also to an individual.

Fortunately, there are ways to help your wife heal after you cheated and, at the same time, help you heal as well.

Here are 9 ways to help your wife heal after you cheated.

#1 – By being completely honest.

The number one most important thing to help your wife heal after your infidelity is by being 100% honest about what happened in the affair. Not 99% – 100%. This includes any details that she asks for and not hiding something because you don’t want to hurt her (a common occurrence for men, who instinctively don’t want to hurt any woman).

The only way to start to rebuild trust in a relationship is by giving your partner the truth. The truth about how and why and when. The truth about questions she might ask. The truth about how you were feeling as it happened. The truth about the circumstances in which you strayed.

Why is the truth important? First of all, truth is essential to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Without the truth, trust is impossible. It is also important reason to be 100% truthful with your wife is so that she has the information that she needs to figure out how she wants to move forward in the marriage.

For some wives, the fact that you cheated means that the marriage is over but, for many wives, their feelings are complicated and they aren’t sure how they want to proceed. Knowing what happened will help them do so.

#2 – By showing remorse.

I know that you are probably feeling pretty guilty right now but are you also feeling a little bit self-righteous? After all, you are probably receiving the brunt of a lot of vitriol about what you did and who you are and that probably makes you feel defensive. How is this defensiveness making you behave? Is it making you push back on your wife’s words or are you showing remorse for what you did?

It is essential that you show real remorse for what happened. I know that you might believe that the whole thing is complicated and that there are myriad reasons why you cheated but the reality is is that you cheated on someone to whom you made a vow to be faithful and the fact that you violated that vow means that it’s time for you to show real remorse.

So, if you want to help your wife heal after your infidelity, don’t push back on her words ubt show her true remorse.

#3 – By cutting off the affair partner.

This is so important! If you have been caught cheating or if you confess to it on your own, of paramount importance with helping your wife heal is cutting off all contact with your affair partner.

And I mean ALL contact. No seeing them, no texting, no liking their Instagram posts. Nothing.

After all, any contact with your affair partner will most likely perpetuate your feelings for them and perhaps keep the affair going. And, if you want your wife to believe that you are truly remorseful, keeping in contact with your AF won’t help with that.

#4 – By being willing to talk about what happened.

Your wife might have lots of questions, questions that you might be very uncomfortable answering. And I am sorry but that is on you.  You cheated and your wife wants to know details and answers to her questions are a key part of helping her heal.

I have a client whose husband refused to tell her the details of what happened and so she reached out to his affair partner, with disastrous results. The affair partner overshared what happened and blamed the wife for what they did. You can imagine how this made her feel.

So, be willing to answer your wife’s questions. If you don’t, she might get her answers elsewhere which would only put another nail in your coffin.

#5 – By accepting that your wife can’t “just let it go.â€

I see this all the time. A husband wants his wife to just let it go. After all, the affair is over – can’t they just get on with life and forget it ever happened?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question is “no.†The affair happened, you got caught and your relationship will be forever changed as a result. It’s time to get used to that fact.

I am not saying that your wife won’t be able to ever let what happened go but it will take some time. It will take some time to accept what happened and figure out how to move forward. It will take some time to work to forgive you, or not, for what happened. It will take some time for her to start feeling good about herself again as she is probably not feeling that way right now.

So, no matter how much you want to sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget it ever happened, know that you can’t. This thing happened and it isn’t going to unhappen and you must face it head on.

#6 – By being willing to get help.

Chance are, neither you or your wife have ever dealt with infidelity in marriage and you will need some support navigating its after effects. The best way to do that is through marriage counseling or coaching.

Many men who have cheated don’t want to go to marriage counseling. They believe that their wife and a therapist will just pile on blame for what happened and that it won’t feel good. The reality is that, with a good coach or therapist, this won’t happen. A good therapist or life coach will help you explore the reasons that you cheated and teach you both some tools to work through this and rebuild your relationship.

I can promise you that, if you refuse to get counseling about your infidelity, the chances that your wife will heal are infinitesimal.

Two people sitting in chairs talking to each other.

#7 – By not blaming her.

I do believe that men don’t cheat if they are in a happy, satisfying relationship. I do believe that men are often presented with someone who thinks them smart and wonderful and who wants to have sex with them, things that might have been missing in their marriage, and they can’t resist the temptation to stray.

That being said, you must take responsibility for the fact that you made the decision to cheat. Yes, your marriage might struggling, and your wife bears some responsibility for this, but you chose to, instead of addressing the issues, get what you needed elsewhere.

One of the reasons that it’s important to not blame your wife is because she is already feeling horrible about herself. How could she not if the person who said they would love them forever cheated? If you blame her for what happened, it might make you feel better but it will only make her feel worse and hinder her healing, in a big way.

#8 – By showing them love.

I know that this might be a hard one but it is essential that you do your best to make your partner feel loved during this recovery period.

Even if you don’t love your wife I am guessing that you still like her. It is important that you show her this. To help her overcome her feelings of self-loathing that are the result of you cheating on her.

Many men try to give their wives space after the discovery of infidelity, mostly because they feel guilty and don’t want to be yelled at. And giving your wife space if she asks for it is very important. But don’t give her too much space. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her if she needs you. Do little things that will make her feel loved.

Even if your marriage might be over, letting your wife know that, no matter what happened, you still care about her, will go a long way towards helping her heal after your cheating.

#9 – By committing to taking a hard look at yourself.

This infidelity didn’t happen in a void. Yes, your marriage might have been troubled but what is it about you that made you step out on your wife? After all, not every man cheats when their marriage is struggling.

For many women, a key part of healing is knowing that their husband is willing to take a good hard look at themselves and why they did what they did. Many men are hesitant to do any self-reflection and showing your wife that you are willing to do so will help her see that you want to do what you can to save your marriage and to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach and start doing some digging now.

Again, good for you for trying to help your wife after heal after you cheated.

I know that you have an uphill battle ahead, that recovering after the discovery of an affair is a long road and one that will take some patience and perseverance.

But you can do it. And you can support your wife in her process to move past this. By doing so, you are ensuring that you and your wife can rebuild your relationship, even if you don’t stay married.

That being said, its way more likely that you will stay married if you take the suggestions above and implement them, now.

You can do it!

Why Having An Affair at Work with a Married Man Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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The average worker spends about one third of their time at work—122  days a year, 8 hours a day. And this doesn’t include commuting time.

That is one third of their life spent away from friends, family and hobbies. One third of their life bonding with co-workers and one third of their lives most likely working under stressful conditions.

That is a lot of time. And that is why so many people find that their work lives take over their personal lives, often at the expense of families and friends.

A study done by Forbes found that one in five people surveyed have had an affair with a co-worker. That is 20 people out of every 100 people surveyed.

That is a big number.

When I researched these statistics, I found that almost every human resource study cautioned about the prevalence of these affairs and addressed the massive affect it has on business and on individuals.

If having a workplace affair isn’t destructive enough, being single and having a workplace affair with a married man can push things over the top. Over the top in a way that has the power to destroy lives.

I would like to share with you now why having an affair at work with a married man is a REALLY bad idea.

Perhaps if you are clear about what can happen, you might make a different decision about what you are considering doing!

#1 – It will affect your performance.

There is literally nothing more important than having excellent job performance.

With excellent job performance you get accolades, raises and promotions. You feel good about yourself and you are respected by your co-workers. You have confidence that you can do what needs to get done, no matter how difficult.

If you are reading this article, you are probably aware of how distracting an affair can be, even if it hasn’t been consummated. Time that you used to spend focusing on work is now spent in corners chatting with your person. Daydreaming about them instead of doing the tasks assigned to you. Sneaking out for lunches and meeting on the stairwell for a chat.

All of these things are fun and feel good but they are not good for your performance. And, if your job performance fails, you might just lose it and then where you will be?

#2 – It will affect your professional reputation.

I have a client who has been having an affair with a married man for a long time. They work in the same profession and, for a long time, they made it work. Until it didn’t.

A few years in, their affair became public. Every person they worked with knew about it. Their superiors got wind of it too and word about what they had been doing on the side started to spread out across the industry.

He was denied a well-earned promotion and had to eventually leave the industry. She stayed but was never looked at the same way again.

Granted, having an affair is not quite as taboo as it was back in the day but, know that, cheating on a spouse is something that could dramatically affect your reputation in your business world. Again, not a good thing!

#3 – It could lead you to leave your job.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man at work. They lived in different cities but they were constantly on Zoom calls with each other and their customers. They travelled for business and relished those times in their affair bubble.

Until his wife found out. And she went crazy.

She called my client, yelling at her for being a tramp. She threatened to call their bosses and expose what they had been doing. She told her to stay away from her husband, or else!

My client was left in an untenable position. She had to interact with her affair partner every day. They had to travel together or they wouldn’t make the sales they needed. She knew that if his wife reported the affair, she was the one who would get the blame, as women often do (that is a whole other blog topic). And he wasn’t letting her go still calling and telling her he loved her and asking her to meet.

Ultimately, my client had to leave a job that she loved and walk away from a potential raise and bonus that she had worked hard for.

All because she became involved in an affair with a married man at work. You can believe me she regrets it!

#4 – It won’t be easy to walk away.

One of the most important parts of getting over a love affair, whether it involves infidelity or not, is going no contact

It is almost impossible to let go of someone who you are still talking to, especially if the love is still there. I always encourage my clients to block their ex everywhere if they want to get on with their lives.

Unfortunately, if you are trying to get out of an affair that you are having with a married guy at work, you are going to have a really tough time cutting off contact with them.

Like my client above, she knew that the affair was over but he wasn’t willing to accept it. Because he had access to her through work, he was always there in front of her. She tried to act professionally and keep him at arm’s length but he led her down a path that she no longer wanted to go.

She ultimately had to leave her job so that she could get the no contact that she needed and find the love that she wanted.

#5 – It will be harder to keep it secret.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. They were both stay-at-home parents and it was easy to find time to be together. The hours that the kids were at school, the play dates they would do together, running into each other at the grocery store. Their lives were somewhat conducive to their affair (which often happens).

Imagine if you are having an affair at work. You are surrounded by co-workers at least 8 hours a day, co-workers who know each other really well and who like to, like all co-workers, gossip.

If you are working side by side with your affair partner, the attraction might be incredibly obvious to others, even if you don’t think it is. And, if even one person gets verification that the affair is happening, before you know it, everyone will know.

You know how hard it is to keep any secrets at work. Why do you think that you could keep this one?

#6 – It could lead to a sexual harassment claim.

Back in the day when women first joined the workplace and affairs became more common, sexual harassment pretty much didn’t exist.

Whether it was a man who seduced his secretary or co-workers who started an affair or even people who were just being sexually inappropriate, sexual relationships between men and women at work were basically ignored.

There was no social taboo life there is today in fact, work place affairs were often considered sexy and exciting and, for many women, just a part of what they had to deal with as part of the workplace.

Things aren’t this way now. Now, whether you are a man or a woman, if you are caught up in a sexual relationship with anyone in your office, you open yourself up to a sexual harassment suit.

Sexual harassment, for those who don’t know, is defined as: behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.

Sexual harassment claims are usually filed by women but it has happened that men will file a claim too, especially if they are having an affair with a superior or if they try to break things off and aren’t allowed to.

So, if there is one reason to avoid having an affair with a married man at work it’s to avoid a very messy, and potentially expensive, sexual harassment suit.

#7 – It could lead to favoritism.

Ideally, if they must occur, workplace affairs would take place only between co-workers. Their status in the company would be equal, must like they would be in the real world.

If they were equals, there would be no challenging power dynamic that might exist between a superior and their employee, one in which there might be an opportunity for a manager to display favoritism, something that could be the kiss of death for anyone’s career.

Unfortunately, more often than not, there is a power dynamic at play in a workplace relationship which can, no matter how careful one is, lead to favoritism.

Think about a real world romance. Isn’t that person your priority? Don’t you choose them first to do fun things with? Don’t you give them the best seat in the house or give them small tokens of your affection? Don’t you do those things without even thinking about them?

Well, unless you are very careful, those tendencies that you have, to be a giver in a relationship, will show up in the workplace. And there is nothing worse for an employee than being conceived of as a superior’s favorite.

If their co-workers believe that the reasons that they are having successes or getting the best opportunities are because the boss wants it to happen not because of their work efforts or ethic, someone’s career can fall apart quickly. So, know that, no matter how hard you try, not playing favorites with a subordinate affair partner will be almost impossible.

#8 – It could create conflict with co-workers.

We often spend more time with our co-workers then we do with our families and they are a big part of our quality of life. They are important to us not only professionally but personally and socially. Having friendships at work makes it a better place. Conversely, having an enemy at work can make things really bad.

As I said above, having an affair at work will almost guarantee that you will create conflict with your co-workers. It might not happen at first but as time goes on, it will.

They will see you being opaque with your activities or making time for one co-worker in particular. They might see you getting more opportunities for advancement and they might see that you aren’t doing your job well. All of those things will affect your co-workers in different ways, none of them positive.

So, look around. Imagine if your co-workers found out what was going on. Would they be happy? I am guessing not.

#9 – It could destroy your life.

If I haven’t already made it clear to you how much having an affair with a married man at work is a terrible idea, let me summarize.

Having an affair with a married man at work could make your work suffer. It could damage your relationship with your co-workers. You could be denied opportunities because of fear of favoritism. You might have to leave a job that you love and that you are good at, just to get away from your affair partner. You could lose your reputation in your industry and might find it difficult to get the recommendations that you need should you move on.

Most importantly, you might lose the financial resources that you need to keep yourself fed and clothed—not something anyone wants.

So there you might be, no job, reputation ruined and a difficult road ahead professionally, all because you couldn’t resist the advances of a man you had no business getting involved with in the first place.

Know this having an affair with a married man, especially one at work, has the potential to make your life very messy.

So there you go why having an affair at work with a married man is a really bad idea.

I know that you think that this guy is  your soulmate but I can promise you that he isn’t. He is a married man who is looking for someone to make him feel better about his pathetic life and who has chosen you for that role. A role that benefits him in every way but that could make your life a living hell.

There are lots of great guys in the world. Shut down this guy at work and go out and find someone who is fully available. You just might get your happily ever after if you do!

10 Reasons to Avoid Having an Affair with Married Men

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For many people, they might seem obvious the reasons to avoid having an affair with married men. After all, they are married and not available, right?

Unfortunately, for many women, they do go down that rabbit hole of having an affair with a married man. Nobody sets out to do this but it does happen, whether because they are tricked by their man, or they decide to take a chance that this married man will leave his wife and they will live happily ever after.

Whatever the reason, having an affair with a married man is, not surprisingly, a really bad idea. The pitfalls are significant and might even cause permanent damage.

Let me share with you 10 reasons to avoid having an affair with married men.

Maybe if you can see them clearly now, before you go down that slippery slope to an extramarital affair, you might be able to shut things down, before it’s too late!

#1 – He will break his promises.

If you were in a relationship with someone, would you be okay if they broke all their promises?

If they promised you, they would be somewhere and then couldn’t make it at the last minute.

If they promised you that they would take action on some matter and then not do it.

If they went promised to love you forever and then went home to another woman every night?

I am guessing that if you were in this kind of relationship, you would break up with the guy.

A married guy will break all of his promises.

He might promise you that he wants to be with you on Sunday and then cancels because of a soccer game. He might swear that he is going to tell his wife that he wants a divorce and then doesn’t do it. He might tell you that he will spend your birthday with you but then shows up at your house late because he can’t slip away.

Know this – that your married man, even if he doesn’t want to, will repeatedly lie to you, making promises that he just can’t, or won’t, keep.

#2 – Your relationship won’t be real.

Many people who are in relationships with married men tell me that they have found their soul mate and that they can’t possibly live without them.

That, I am afraid, is bullshit.

Two people who are having an affair exist in a bubble. A bubble of sex and dinners out, maybe vacations, presents, words of love and affirmation.

What they don’t have our kids to manage, finances to worry about, in-laws to deal with, and those 1000 daily cuts. It is those things that truly make a relationship. Being able to work through the difficult stuff and still have the bubble stuff.

One of the major reasons to avoid having an affair with married men is that you won’t ever truly be in a relationship, and you will forgo the chance of finding one.

#3 – His wife probably isn’t as bad as he says.

I know – I am sure that every married man’s wife is a total bitch.

She doesn’t have sex with him. She doesn’t care about him. She is always bitching and moaning. He is perfect and just wants to be loved, but she makes it impossible.

Anyone who has ever been married knows that there is no one person at fault in a marriage. As time goes on, people become complacent, taking each other for granted. Little issues are ignored which can lead to resentment. People change in different ways and can become disconnected, which can kill a sex life.

Don’t believe it if your married man tells you that his wife is an ogre and that he is an angel. It’s just not true. She is just a woman in the world, doing her best.

#4 – He is a cheater.

If there was ever a reason to avoid having an affair with a married man, it is this one – you are in a relationship with someone who is a cheater. And a liar.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. His wife discovered it. He promised my client that he was going to leave his wife, he just needed to find the right time to do it. He told her this for a year.

Finally, the wife said that he could go. She could tell he was unhappy, and she didn’t want that. What did my client’s boyfriend do? He stayed. He said that it wasn’t the right time to leave.

The whole time he had promised her that he would leave, and he was lying. He might have even been back to having intimacy with his wife. He was lying and cheating on both of them!

So, know that a married man who is willing to cheat isn’t one that you can trust for any sort of long-term relationship.

#5 – You will fall in love with him.

Many people go into affairs believing that it will just be about sex. That they will be able to have it once or twice, get it out of their system, and move on.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Scientists from Rutgers University used scans to monitor the brain activity of 30 women during orgasm. What they learned, among other things, is that an orgasm produced oxytocin, a feel-good chemical. For some reason, it produces more oxytocin for women than for men, leading women to become attached to the man in a big way.

And this will happen to you. Have sex with your married man, follow it up with some cuddling and words of affection, and, boom, you will be hooked.

I can promise you – this will happen!

#6 – You will only be lonely.

One thing that I learned while having an affair with a married man is that I was always lonely.

Except for those times, he could make time for me, I was alone.

Because I had made myself always available to him for those last-minute visits, my friends had stopped asking me to hang out because I always said no. As a result, while waiting around for him to be free, I was alone. And sad.

Furthermore, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc. I was alone. He was always with his family, enjoying family activities. I was alone.

So know that unless you want to spend tons of time alone, hating yourself, you should avoid having an affair with a married man.

#7 – You will lose yourself.

Before I met my married man, I was in a great place.

I had just moved to NYC, and was building a successful business, I was happy and felt really good about myself. I am guessing that is what made him attracted to me.

A year in, I was a shell of the person I had been.

A year of knowing that what I was doing was wrong, of never being the priority, of having been on the receiving end of countless broken promises, had worn me down.

My self-esteem was shot, I was unhealthy and couldn’t focus on anything.

All of my clients find some version of this happens to them when they go down the road of having an affair with a married man. They totally lose themselves, and it feels horrible.

#8 – You won’t find a real relationship.

You want to find your person, correct? You want to have a healthy, happy relationship and build a life with someone, right?

Well, that won’t happen if you are having an affair with a married man.

Why? Because you will spend all of your time and energy on him, being there for him, and you won’t have the time or energy to date.

And, if you can find the time and energy to date, hoping to find someone so that you have the strength to leave your lover, your heart won’t really be in it because you will be pining away for your married man.

And this could set you up to never find the relationship that you want!

#9 – You will be ashamed.

If you are currently having an affair with a married man, be honest. Do you wake up every morning happy to greet the day, knowing that you are a good person in the world?

Probably not.

We are all raised to ‘do the right thing’, and one of those things is to not engage in infidelity. Furthermore, we never want to disrespect another woman for any reason, much less have an affair with her husband.

Doing these things – not doing the right thing or betraying another woman, among other things – are going to leave someone having an affair with a married man feeling really, really bad about themselves.

They know that what they are doing is wrong. They want to get out of it and can’t. And they have way too much free time to sit around, judging themselves for their actions.

Do you want to feel this way? Probably not. Avoiding an affair with married men would be the best way to prevent that from happening!

#10 – He is not your soulmate.

I know, I know. You, and your affair partner, are sure that you are each other’s soulmates.

I mean, no one gets you as they do, and it feels like you have known them for many lifetimes. How can you not go down the road to an affair with someone who is your soulmate? It is meant to be, after all!

Well, chances are, you are just two people in the world who share similar sensibilities and who have a chemical attraction. As time goes on and the affair becomes toxic, you just might begin to see it and wonder how you got on this path.

And, if you truly believe that he is your soulmate, let me share this idea with you.

A character in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Eat Pray Love,’ states that he believes that your soulmate is not someone you should share your life with because it would be too messy. What a soulmate does is come into your life, shake things up, wake you up, and then move on so that you can start living the life you are meant to lead. Or get you on the path to doing so.

Either way, another reason not to have an affair with a married man is that, no matter how much you believe it to be, this man who is cheating on his wife and breaking his promises to you is not your soulmate.

How could he be?

Perhaps you are one of those people who think that it’s easy to avoid having an affair with married men.

I mean, it is, after all, wrong, disrespectful, and toxic.

But, for many reasons, many people find themselves on the slippery slope of having an affair with a married man. And many of them go into it totally ignorant of why they do it and what it means.

So, if you are considering getting involved with a married man, know that, ultimately, the affair will most likely chew you up, spit you out and leave you a disaster.

Go find yourself a single guy instead. Even if they aren’t, ultimately, the right person for you, at the very least, they won’t be the wrong one from the get-go.

10 Psychological Facts About Cheating That Might Surprise You

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If you are considering an affair or have a partner who is cheating on you, you might have assumptions about what an affair is.

You might believe that it’s all about sex and connection and fancy vacations and love and travel and all of those sexy things that are so appealing. So appealing that people are drawn into affairs.

But there is so much more to affairs than sex and romance. They are way more messy than you might think.

Why? Because of the negative effect that an affair can have on one’s psyche. An effect that is so profound that it negates most of the pleasure of having an affair.

10 Psychological Facts about Cheating.

With that in mind, let me share with you 10 psychological facts about cheating that may surprise you so that you can know more about affairs as you process getting into an affair or dealing with the discovery that your spouse is cheating.

#1 – The guilt is overwhelming.

I know that it seems like affairs are all romance and sex – and they can be, to be sure. But affairs are, in fact, insidious things that can be destructive in many ways.

The number one psychological fact, one that might surprise you, is that people who cheat often suffer from an overwhelming amount of guilt about what they are doing.

We are all raised to believe that cheating on a partner is not ok. Beyond not ok. It’s one of the worst things that we can do in a relationship. And, when we are in an affair, we are going against everything that we have been taught.

By cheating, we are betraying our commitment to our partner. If we have kids, we are betraying them by doing exactly what we have taught them not to do. We are betraying our parents who raised us. We are betraying our friends and extended family by lying to them.

As a result, someone having an affair will struggle every day with debilitating guilt. Not so romantic and sexy, right?

#2 – The affair is addictive.

Scott Haltzman, psychiatrist and author of “The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity,” in his article for Brainworld.com, posits that affairs produce dopamine and serotonin, feel-good chemicals. When we no longer have these in long-term relationships, we crave them. Having an affair gets these chemicals flowing again, and we quickly get to the point that we don’t want to let them go.

Furthermore, I believe that one of the most compelling parts of an affair is that, when we are in it, we are no longer the person we are in regular life.

Instead of being a wife or a mother or an employee or a child, we are a man or a woman who truly feels.

We feel alive again. We feel young and flirty, and sexual. We feel many things that we haven’t felt for a very long time. And we LOVE this.

When we try to get out of an affair, we are also faced with letting go of this new person we are who has emerged because of this affair and this is often more than we can bear.

So, we stay in it, needing that feeling that we feel when we are with our affair partner. And that is hard to let go of – very addictive indeed.

#3 – Infidelity leads to self-hatred.

I mentioned before that people who are cheating are often suffering from extreme guilt because they are betraying those they love. But they are also letting themselves down.

I know that, when I was having an affair with a married man, I was not being the person I wanted to be in the world. Before I met him, I was single and happy and successful and ready to take on the world. Once I started down this road to infidelity, I started to lose who I was.

I spent my life focused on him. I let go of friends and family. I was obsessed that he leave his wife and his children and to do so tomorrow.

A year into it, I was a fraction of who I was at the beginning of the relationship.

And I hated myself for it. Deeply hated myself.

I sunk into a deep depression and it was only once the relationship finally ended that I could work to restore my self-esteem and find myself again.

#4 – Cheating allows us to ignore relationship issues.

One of the psychological facts about cheating that many people aren’t aware of is that affairs are a means for us to ignore problems that we are having in our primary relationships.

A client of mine was very unhappily married, and she had an affair. Her therapist told her that having the affair was satisfying her physical and emotional needs, and she no longer needed it from her marriage.

As a result, she stopped making any efforts to work on her unhappy marriage. She and her husband carried on as if nothing was happening while she had her affair partner and had all of her needs met.

#5 – Many cheaters are depressed already.

Another client of mine was struggling with depression when we first met. She felt horrible about who she was in the world, and this lack of self-respect led her to make questionable choices about her life.

One of those questionable decisions was to have an affair with someone she worked with.

This affair started for two reasons. The first was that her co-worker totally understood what it felt like to be depressed, and she was able to confide in him. The more she confided in him, the closer they got. This ultimately went down a slippery slope to having an affair.

The other reason that the depression led to the affair was that she wasn’t feeling good about herself, and because she wasn’t feeling good about herself, she made decisions that she might have made differently had she had self-confidence.

So know that depression is one most common reasons that people cheat and something that is often overlooked.

#6 – Many cheaters have commitment issues.

This is one psychological fact about cheating that many people are, in fact, aware of.

According to Wendy Rose Gould, writing for Verywellmind.com, fear of commitment can have a dramatic, toxic effect on relationships. These toxic effects can hurt a relationship and can cause people to cheat.

People who have commitment issues, for a variety of reasons, just can’t commit to anything – a job, a partner, a car or a place to live, and more.

So, they sell their car, get a new job and move, etc. Ideally, they would break up with their partner if they don’t want to commit, but, more often, they cheat.

And cheaters will continue to cheat because of these commitment issues unless they become aware of them and work to do something about them.

#7 – Opposites often attract, and that can be destructive.

An interesting thing about affair partners is how different they often are from each other.

When we choose a partner to share our life with, we tend to find someone who is like us or who complements us. Our morals and values and ways of doing things are aligned and, as a result, we can live a successful life with them.

In contrast, affair partners are often very different from each other. The old phrase ‘opposites attract’ is something that is very common in affairs.

And while this can be exciting for a while, ultimately, it can become very destructive.

Because of their different perspectives, the way they deal with their affair might clash. Someone who is more daring might want to tell everyone and blow up their world, while someone who is more cautious would go out of their way to keep this under wraps. As a result, the cheaters might turn against each other, and all hell might break loose.

#8 – That it’s not about sex.

Again, I know that it seems like affairs are all about sex, but they are not. Of course, there is a sexual component to every affair – chemistry is very hard to resist. But there is so much more to an affair than one might realize.

Most people don’t set out to have affairs. They just slip into them slowly. They meet someone, they become friends, they share the confidence, they spend time together. Gradually, the friendship blooms into something more, and unless they are cautious, it can turn into an affair.

Many people who have affairs have lots of sex at the beginning, but as the affair goes on, the sex dwindles, and it’s the personal connection that lingers. That connection began as a friendship.

So, know that affairs really aren’t about sex but about personal connection, which, in my opinion, can be harder to deal with.

#9 – Many cheaters have no impulse control.

For whatever reasons, many people who have affairs often have no impulse control.

They might have a hard time watching their eating or getting their work done on time. They might buy things on impulse without being concerned about cost. They might change their plans at the last minute to do something completely different.

And, when it comes to having an affair, the temptation is something that they just can’t resist.

They might recognize that getting into the affair is a bad idea and try to push back against it but ultimately, their lack of impulse control gets the best of them, and they start their affair.

#10 – Cheaters have to live with regret.

I don’t know one person who has cheated, myself included, who doesn’t live with a substantial amount of regret about what they did.

As I said, most people don’t seek out affairs – they just happen. Whether or not they did it knowingly, having done so they have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

Whether they have to carry the secret in private because no one else knows or whether they have wrecked their marriage or hurt their kids, someone who has had an affair will be filled with shame and wracked with regret.

Even if the affair is over, they will carry what happened with them, shamefully, until the end of their lives.

So, there you are – 10 psychological facts about cheating that might surprise you.

Again, cheating isn’t all about romance, love, and sex. There is an insidious side to every affair that causes pain (to everyone involved) and anguish and addiction, and lack of self-worth.

Know this as you move forward in your life, whether you might have had or are having an affair or if you are trying to recover your marriage after discovering your spouse has cheated.

This information might help you understand what cheating is all about just a little bit more so you can make a better decision about the next steps for you!

 

How to Stick to Your New Year’s Resolution to Leave Your Married Man

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Did you set a new year’s resolution to leave your married man?

Have you just had enough and do you know that you need to move on?

Good for you!

As you know, because you have probably tried to do so 1000 times, breaking up with, and staying broken up with, your married man can seem impossible.

But, if you are reading this, I am guessing that now that you have set a new year’s resolution to leave your married man, you really want to follow through because you want your 2023 to be better than your 2022.

To that end, here are 5 things that you can do to stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man so that you can move forward and find the love that you desire.

#1 – Be firm in your decision.

First and foremost, as with any resolution, it is important that you are determined to do this. That you know that it’s time to break up with him and that you are 100% clear that you are ready to do so.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man, I tried to break up with him many times.

I wanted to break up with him because he wouldn’t leave his wife. I wanted to break up with him because I wasn’t a priority. I wanted to break up with him because I was lonely on holidays. I wanted to break up with him because our relationship was distracting me from my life and making me isolate from my friends.

So, I told myself that I would break up with him and that I would be done with him.

But, if I am honest with myself, I broke up with him for one reason. I believed that if I broke up with him, he would miss me and leave his wife and we would live happily ever after.

With an attitude like that, I wasn’t really leaving him. I was hoping that by breaking up with him I would spur him into action. By breaking up with him, I was actually hoping to cement our relationship, not let it go.

So, this time, if you are going to keep your new Year resolution to leave your married man, you must decide that you are truly ready to do it. That you are doing it so that you can have the life that you want, to be happy and to find love, not because you are hoping that he will get lonely and jealous and come back to you, promising you happily ever after!

#2 – Do things differently this time.

So, I am sure that you have tried to break up with your married man before.

And you have failed to do so. Maybe even failed to do so over and over.

It is essential that, if you want to keep your new year’s resolution to leave your married man, you do things differently this time.

Take stock of what you have done before. Have you invited him to your house to have the conversation privately? Have you reached out to him a few days later for some closure? Have you done something that would make him want to break up with you? Have you broken up with him only to reach out to him on his birthday or your anniversary, believing that you can do so as a friend? Have you begged him to not let you go and then broken up with him when he doesn’t fight for you?

Have none of those things worked in the past? I bet they haven’t.

It is essential that, if you want to have success breaking up with him this time round, you do things differently. Something that will make the break up stick this time.

If talking to him face to face hasn’t worked before, because you see him and you lose your resolution to break up, talk to him over the phone instead.

If talking to him over the phone, hearing the sound of his voice begging you to not break up with him, makes you feel bad and prevents you from breaking up with him, text him that you need this to be over. You can even ghost him.

If you know that he is going to reach out on holidays, block him everywhere.

If you have begged him before to not let you go, don’t show any emotions during this break up. Be clear and concise and businesslike don’t give him an opportunity to appeal to your emotions.

What I always recommend to my clients is that they text their married man to tell them that they are done, for good this time, and then, before they respond, to block them everywhere. This seems to make it easier for women because they don’t feel like they are being rude by ghosting their married man but are being clear by blocking them.

If that doesn’t work, you have my permission to ghost them.

Whatever it takes for you to not make the same mistakes again and get the break up to stick!

#3 – Recognize why he won’t let you go.

Another thing that you can do to stick to your new Year resolution to let go of your married man is to take stock of why he does not want to let you go.

Most likely, if you are trying to break up with him, the reason is because he won’t leave his wife. And, you are totally justified in doing so. You need to take care of yourself and your own happiness.

Unfortunately, while your married man says he loves you, the reasons that he doesn’t want you to break up with him have nothing to do with that love. They have to do with what he wants.

If your married man truly put you and your happiness first, he would know that breaking up with him would be the best thing that he could do for you. He knows that you are miserable and that he can’t keep his promises to you and that he most likely never will. It would be a gift to you that he let you go so that you can get on with your life.

BUT, your married man most likely isn’t putting your needs first. Your married man wants you around for his own selfish reasons. He wants you around because you make him feel loved and taken care of. He gets regular, probably exciting, sex from you. When he is with you, he gets to step out of his mundane life and feel alive. And he can have all that and stay with his family too.

I encourage you to take stock of the reasons that your married man wants to keep you around. Maybe if you see that they have nothing to do with you, it might make it easier to keep your resolution this time around!

#4 – Fill your life with other things.

I am guessing that your married man takes up a considerable amount of your time.

Even if you aren’t actually with him, you are most likely making sure that you are available whenever he wants you. That you keep your phone close, distracting you from being present with your friends. That don’t do things with your friends because you want to keep the time open in case he is free.

I am guessing that, over the course of this relationship, you have increasingly isolated yourself from those you care about and neglected the things you like to do.

If you want to stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man, I would encourage you to get back to the life you had before you met him, the person you were before he came along.

What does that look like? Perhaps taking up running again. Having Sunday brunch with your friends. Planning a hiking trip with your sister. Volunteering for that time consuming project at work that you know will bring you lots of accolades if you successfully pull it off.

Whatever you can do to fill the time that you would have spent with or waiting around for him. And to not only fill the time but to do so with things that will make you feel good about yourself.

Things that make you feel accomplished, that make you feel loved, that make you feel worthy of happiness and true love.

Breaking up with your married guy and sitting around like you have for months, keeping space open for him, will only prevent you from following through with the break up with way you want to.

#5 – Don’t reinvent history.

Whenever I broke up with my married guy, I found that I was reinventing who he was and what our relationship was like.

I remember missing all of the love and support he gave me, how he used to listen to me when I needed him to and guide me when I was feeling lost. This made me miss him and seek to get back together with him. Over and over.

And then, during another break up, I stumbled upon a diary that I had kept a few months back. In it were some things that really surprised me.

I wrote about how he never listened to me that whenever I talked I felt like he was always waiting for me to finish so that he could say something. I read about all of the times that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I read about the loneliness that I would feel when I got off the phone with him as he headed home to his family.

Reading those things changed things for me. Instead of missing things that I had created in my head, I was able to clearly see the truth about how he treated me. I was able to remember the things that he did that made me feel bad and that were most likely a big reason why I broke up with him.

Remembering those things made me not want to reach out to him to reconcile. They only reinforced my determination to stay steady in my desire to break up and I stayed away from him.

I know that, without a doubt, you can stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man.

Even if you have failed to do so since New Years Day, you still can do it now and keep it going forward.

When I finally broke up with my married man, I did so by ghosting him. He had hurt me one time too many. Ghosting him felt very mean but I did so remembering the hurt that caused me and recognizing that it was okay for me to hurt him back.

I blocked him but he still managed to get to me via email. I didn’t respond.

About 8 weeks in, he called. That had always been our routine after 8 weeks he would call and I would take him back. This time, I didn’t answer the phone. I sent him a text and told him that I wasn’t ready to talk yet. This yet seemed to satisfy him and he left me alone, most likely because he thought I would reach out down the road. I never did.

Letting go of my married man was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but I did it. And what happened when I did? I met the person who I am going to marry in July.

I never would have met him if I hadn’t, once and for all, ended a relationship that was sucking me dry.

I know that you can stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married guy. Even if you haven’t done so before, I know that you can do it now!

Be determined, do things differently, take stock of his motivations and the truth behind your relationship and stay busy.

You can do this! I promise!

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