Feeling Depressed with a Newborn Baby? 5 Reasons to Get Help Now

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It ‘ s a scary thing, feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

You had expected this to be the happiest time in your life – you were finally going to be a mother and everything was going to be perfect.

Unfortunately, for some mothers, feeling depressed after giving birth is a reality. And it can be really, really hard.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are two kinds of depression after child birth – the baby blues and postpartum depression.

The baby blues are characterized by:

  • Moodswings
  • Anxiety
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Overwhelm
  • Tears
  • Lack of concentration
  • Poor eating and poor sleeping

Baby blues generally pass in a few weeks.

Postpartum depression is a different thing completely. It is characterized by:

  • Extreme sadness
  • Extreme mood swings
  • Difficulty bonding
  • Withdrawal
  • Loss of appetite
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of energy
  • Hopelessness
  • Inability to focus
  • Thoughts of self-harm

So, how do you know which you are struggling with?

If any of of the things ring true then you might be struggling with postpartum depression.

  • The symptoms don ‘ t fade
  • The symptoms are getting worse
  • You are struggling to take care of your baby
  • You are struggling with everyday tasks

So, ask yourself where you are with your depression? Do you have a baby who is a few days old and you have been feeling sad or are you a few months in and having a hard time functioning? Somewhere in between?

If you have any questions AT ALL, you should talk to your doctor. Seeking help if you are struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby, is very important for many reasons. Here are a few…

#1 – Things are hard enough.

Having a newborn is really, really hard.

When we leave the hospital, no one hands us a manual about being a parent. Sure, we have been told about the sleepless nights, the bleeding nipples, the messy diapers but until we actually experience those things we have no idea.

When we are struggling with depression on top of all of the challenges of having a newborn things can become unmanageable quickly.

The best thing that you can do to survive parenting a newborn is managing your moods. If you are depressed, get help immediately so that you can keep yourself healthy and strong in the short and long term.

#2 – Things can get worse.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe, with how bad you are feeling right now, that things can get worse but, believe me, they can.

Depression, when left untreated, can only get worse. And, as you sink further into despair and are less able to function, you will have a harder and harder time taking care of your baby and managing household tasks.

And when that happens, your depression will just keep getting worse.

So, if you have been feeling depressed for more than a few days, reach out to your doctor so that you can stop that depression in it ‘ s tracks. Postpartum depression, left untreated, can turn into chronic depression which is, let me tell you, not fun.

#3 – There is an end in sight.

If you are feeling depressed with a newborn baby and you get help, there is an end in sight for you.

Fortunately, postpartum depression is very treatable and the sooner that it is treated the better.

Depression, if left untreated, can take on a life of its own and become worse with time. If you talk to your doctor now and start managing your depression, chances are significantly increased that you will get through it and, perhaps, have no further depressive episodes in the future.

#4 – Your family needs you.

Now that you are a mom, everything has changed. You no longer have only yourself to take into consideration. The health of your family is, in many way, paramount and your happiness makes a big difference. ‘ When mommy is happy, family is happy ‘ is a familiar saying that I am guessing you might already know.

Untreated postpartum depression in a mother can have a ripple effect throughout the family. Her partner may be more likely to get depressed or angry or have mood swings.

Furthermore, children of mothers with untreated depression can have issues with emotional development, eating and sleeping disorders and a tendency towards excessive crying. And when your child is struggling, your depression will only get worse.

So, if not for yourself, do it for your family. They need you now, more than ever.

#5 – There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know, I know. You have probably told yourself that you can tough this out. That you have always been strong and that you can get through this sadness without support.

Or perhaps you are telling yourself that you are weak, that a better woman, a better mother, wouldn ‘ t be feeling this way, wouldn ‘ t be angry at her baby and her husband. Perhaps you are feeling ashamed and worthless

But let me tell you, your depression is NOT your fault and it ‘ s NOT something that you can manage by yourself.

Postpartum depression happens because of acute hormone and lifestyle changes. One minute you are happy and pregnant. 24 hours later, after suffering through the most excruciating pain you have EVER experienced, you are home with a newborn and have no idea what to do next. Your hormones are swinging back and forth as your body starts to produce milk and you have no idea whether you will ever sleep again.

There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful, about reaching out for help during this difficult time. As a matter of fact, you will demonstrate your strength as a mother if you do step up and advocate for your mental health. You will be taking care of yourself which will mean, in turn, that you are taking care of your family.

Struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby is not an unusual occurrence.

New mothers are given the double whammy of a huge lifestyle change and fluctuating hormones. Even the strongest mother would struggle managing this (and there isn ‘ t a man alive who could!).

So, for the sake of your family, for the health of your child, to stop things from getting worse and for making your life easier, reach out to your doctor today for help managing your depression.

You have a new baby – life can be grand. And it’s yours for the taking!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal and enjoy your child.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways To Organize Your Life After Divorce

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Are you wondering how to organize your life after divorce? Is the life that you once led, the one that you knew so well, suddenly over and completely gone and you have no idea what to do next?

Let me help!

Getting divorced can be devastating but it doesn ‘ t have to be life ending. Getting organized is a great way to get your second chapter started in a very positive way. So where to start?

#1 – Keep your important papers where you can reach them.

Even though your divorce is final, it is very important that you keep all of the paperwork around your divorce close by.

To that end, it is essential that you create a filing system that will work for you to manage that paperwork. Keep your final divorce agreement, a name change document and any other documents that you have related to your divorce in a place where they won ‘ t get lost and where you can get to them easily.

Your divorce might be final but there are plenty of times over the next few years that you might need that paperwork. You might need them if you are applying for a mortgage or filing your taxes or changing your credit card account information. And if you don ‘ t have the info close by you could be in trouble.

I have been divorced for 6 years but still find that I need my paperwork. This Christmas I bought my airplane tickets through Expedia and, by mistake, the tickets were purchased in my married name. I discovered this the night before we travelled and, in order to change the name on the ticket, I had to provide the official name change documentation.

Thank goodness I had it in my file drawer so that I could send it to the airline. It still took me 5 hours on hold with the airlines to get the name changed but get it changed I did!!!! So keep all of the paperwork related to your divorce in one place, a place you won ‘ t forget and have easy access to.

#2 – Get a thorough understanding of your finances.

Every divorce leads to some sort of financial upheaval and making sure you have a clear understanding of what your finances look like is key part of how to organize your life after divorce.

So, first off, review all financial documentation that you have – bank accounts, mortgage accounts, credit card accounts, brokerage accounts, trusts, IRAs, etc. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of your assets, both liquid and fixed.

Next, pull together an accounting of your expenses – your mortgage, your car payments, your tuition payments, your grocery expenses, your kids ‘ after school costs, etc. Whatever it is that you spend money on. Once you have all of your assets and expenses pulled together then it ‘ s time to make a financial plan for your future.

How much money you can spend monthly, what you can put away for savings, what things might need to get adjusted to fit the new financial situation? If your financial documents are all Greek to you, as they were to me, then spend the money and hire a good financial manager who can help you figure out what your money situation is.

A thorough understanding of your financial picture will set you up for future success.

#3 – Identify what kind of help you are going to need.

When I got divorced one of the biggest losses for me was that I no longer had someone living with me who knew how to work power tools, trouble shoot computers and manage our taxes.

For 20 years I had relied on my husband to fix things around the house, to deal with the computer (and other technology) when things went awry and to manage the taxes each year. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I didn ‘ t want a divorce was because I didn ‘ t want to deal with doing those things. Suddenly I was alone and I had to figure out how to deal with things that I had no idea how to manage.

So what did I do? I learned how to use some tools on my own – basic tools so that I could do simple things around the house. But. more importantly, I found a handyman who I could rely on to come help me if I needed help. Someone who could do all the little things that my husband used to do that I couldn ‘ t do on my own.

As for technology, I learned that you could Google almost anything and find a You Tube video that would explain how to fix things. I also found a guy in town willing to help me if I couldn ‘ t figure it out on my own.

And finally, for what worried me most, taxes, I hired a tax guy. Every year, in January, he sends me a worksheet of things that I need to pull together so that he can do my taxes for me in April. I gather everything together and send them to him and he does my taxes for me. It costs me some money but it is totally worth it for my piece of mind, knowing that my taxes are done and done properly.

So take an inventory of what you will need to do around your house and figure out what you can do to get those things done. You can either set out to learn how to do them yourself or hire someone to do them for you. Either way, make a plan so you aren ‘ t caught off guard by a broken pipe or a disabled modem.

#4 – Make a calendar.

If you have kids, making a calendar is an essential part of how to organize your life after divorce.

Many divorces result in some sort of shared custody agreement. And with that kind of agreement there are nights, weekends and holidays to work around. Many people don ‘ t want to take a good look at calendars because the prospect of sharing the kids is just too painful to face. As a result, the visitation agreement might not get clearly followed which could create a mess for everyone, especially the kids.

Perhaps your ex doesn ‘ t remember that it ‘ s his day to pick up the kids and they are left standing by the side of the road for an hour. Perhaps you return the kids late without calling and he gets royally pissed off. Perhaps both families have assumptions about Christmas morning that don ‘ t get addressed because nobody created a calendar.

Once your divorce is final, make a calendar, one that you share with your ex, that includes who is going to be where when. Make sure that you both agree on the schedule and both commit to keeping it.

Dealing with exes and kids can be incredibly difficult but if there are no misunderstandings around schedule that will go a long way towards preventing some of the pain.

#5 – Create a support system.

This final piece of how to get organized after divorce is a key piece.

When we are married we tend to focus on our nuclear family. No matter how unhappy we are, in general it ‘ s mom and dad and the kids. Chores are divided, activities are attended, meals are eaten and discussions are had.

Now that you are divorced, you will find that that other person who was usually in bed with you in the morning and at the dinner table at night will be gone. It will be just you and the kids or, even worse, just you.

Making sure that you have a support system is a key part of surviving a divorce. Do you have friends and family who you can rely on? Do you have a therapist or life coach who understands you and can help you manage your emotions? Are you involved in activities with people you enjoy being with? Is work someplace where you can feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities?

If the answer to any or all of the questions above is NO then it ‘ s time to get out there and find yourself a support system.

Getting started with this second act of your life will be very hard and doing it alone will make it almost impossible. So pick up the phone and call some friends or family, make sure you see your therapist regularly, get out of the house and try new things and do things everyday that make you feel good about yourself.

Trying to figure out how to organize your life after divorce is a really smart idea. Good for you for doing it!

Those of us who find ourselves newly divorced have entered new, untrodden territory – territory we have no idea how to manage. And, when you are in a situation you don ‘ t know how to manage, getting organized is a great first step to getting it all under control.

So make sure that you know where all of your divorce paperwork is at all times, get your finances in order, figure out where to get help managing the details of your life, make sure you have a calendar and that you use it well and get a support system in place to help you when times get rough.

Being divorced doesn ‘ t have to be the end of the world. In fact, I am here to tell you that 6 years later I am so much happier with myself and my place in the world than I was when I was married.

I do look back at me 6 years ago and wished that I knew how to better navigate that first year after my divorce. If I knew more I might have skipped over some of the growing pains that I experienced out in the new world on my own.

So get yourself organized. Spend the time and money necessary to get it done so that you can go forwards, living your best life, knowing that you have it all (well, most of it at least) under control.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Organize Your Life as a Working Mom and Stay Ahead of the Chaos

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Would you like to organize your life as a working mom and stay not only in the game but ahead of the chaos?

It seems daunting but it is possible! And wouldn ‘ t it feel great?

Here are 5 suggestions for making it all happen.

#1 – Use a calendar and make a schedule.

The most important part of an organized life is a calendar and a schedule.

I have a client who, every Sunday night, sits down with her calendar and charts out EVERYTHING that is happening in the week ahead.

What do I mean by everything?

  • Her work schedule
  • Her kids ‘ schedule
  • Any appointments that her family might have
  • Time for herself
  • Time for her and her spouse
  • Time spent on social media
  • Anything else that might need to be accounted for

Once she makes her schedule, she underlines in RED those things that are priorities and cannot be moved.

As the week progresses she looks at her calendar daily to adjust it as necessary but if something must get moved, it gets moved immediately so that it doesn ‘ t fall off her calendar and get forgotten.

She makes her calendar, she keeps it with her, she updates it regularly and makes it the blueprint of her life.

#2 – Stick to your schedule, no matter what happens at work.

The most important part of having a calendar is sticking to it. And I know, as a working mom, that can be very hard to do.

One thing I ask my clients: what is the one thing in your life that everything else revolves around? What is that one non-negotiable thing on your calendar?

Almost without exception, my clients answer WORK. They say that because they are reporting to a boss, and getting paid for it, they will sacrifice other things that might be a part of their week if work demands dictate that they do.

Is this you? Do you choose to work instead of meeting your other obligations?

If so, consider this: can you view some other things in your week, like you time or time with your spouse, as things that are as important as work and that you will not put aside for any reason.

Can you do this in spite of the fact that you aren ‘ t getting paid and reporting to someone else?

This is the key to organizing your life as a working mom and staying ahead of the chaos. To understand that some obligations are as non-negotiable as work and that putting them to the side just can’t happen.

#3 – Plan meals ahead of time.

A HUGE part of staying organized is planning and making meals ahead of time.

I remember, when my kids were young, deciding what to make every night was the hardest part of my day. I always felt that if someone else told me what to cook, making it would be easy. It was the deciding that was hard.

I suggest making a meal plan for the whole week, including lunches, over breakfast on Sunday morning. And from that meal plan make your shopping list so that you have all of the ingredients that you need for the week.

Ideally, you then get your partner to go to the grocery store but that is negotiable!

If you plan your menus ahead of time, and do the shopping as well, you will carve out a big piece of your day, every day, to get other things done.

#4 – Get help.

It is essential for working moms to get help where they need it.

Some moms need help keeping the house clean or cooking dinner or taking the kids to appointments. So if you need it, get it! Find someone to help you clean or cook or drive.

It ‘ s really okay to not do everything yourself.

If a babysitter or a cleaning lady is not in your budget, figure out some other way to get help. Your partner and your kids are the most obvious first choices in the help department. They can all help with the cooking and the cleaning and the chauffeuring. They may complain but they CAN do it!

You can also call on your friends to support you and you can support them as well. When my kids were young, the moms all took turns after school taking the kids to various activities. Each of us committed 1 day a week to being the driver, leaving the other 4 days after school open for work or other things.

Either way, you working moms DON ‘ T have to do everything yourselves. Ask for help. You will be glad you did.

#5 – Build in time for you.

Believe it or not, this is the most important piece of how to organize your life as a working mom.

Everyone needs time for themselves. EVERYONE. Just because you are a working mom it doesn ‘ t mean that you get to sacrifice your mental health for the sake of everyone else.

As a matter of fact, doing so is not good for anyone and will definitely make it difficult to stay ahead of the chaos. Remember the old adage: ‘ A happy mom means a happy family. ‘ It ‘ s more true now than ever.

So make an effort every week to build some ‘ ˜you time ‘ into your schedule. It doesn ‘ t have to be a lot of time. A few minutes in the morning before everyone wakes up. A 20 minute walk outside at lunch time. A few minutes of social media as you wait to pick up the kids from school.

When my kids were little, 3 nights a week were nights when I took a bath. For 45 minutes I was in my bathtub with my People magazine and the door was locked and I had ‘me time’. My husband dealt with whatever had to be dealt with. That time was life changing for me. I was able to take a deep breath and then step back into my life refreshed.

I am guessing that you are eager to organize your life as a working mom. You might feel like you are constantly treading water, just keeping your head up to keep from drowning.

But it doesn ‘ t have to be that way. Get a calendar, make a schedule, stick to it, plan ahead, ask for help and take care of yourself along the way.

The chaos will always be out there ‘ ¦how you manage it will help you stay ahead of it.

Areyou strugglingto organize your life as a working mom?
Let me help, NOW, before it gets to be just too much!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Ways Untreated Depression in Parents Affects Their Children And How to Best Protect Them During Dark Times

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Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It ‘ s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible. As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative affect on children.

Here I will share 5 ways that untreated depression in parents affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times.

#1 – Depression is scary.

For a child depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways – sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure and aggressive themselves.

#2 – Kids blame themselves.

When my daughter was 15 I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? ‘ ˜I am so glad to know that it wasn ‘ t my fault. ‘

Children are so innocent, and so self-centered, and as a result they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this a child can easily internalize their parents depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

#3 – Their parent isn ‘ t parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression they just can ‘ t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days, or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer.

If her mom can ‘ t get out of bed to make her dinner then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it ‘ s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

#4 – Their mom and dad don ‘ t seem to like each other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed the other often struggles to understand what is happening, why their partner can ‘ t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child ‘ s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

#5 – They don ‘ t feel safe at home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression productivity can suffer. As a result one ‘ s home can get dirty, meals don ‘ t get made, laundry doesn ‘ t get done, safety standards don ‘ t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during dark times?

#1 – Be honest with them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy ‘ s sadness or daddy ‘ s anger is the result of something that they can ‘ t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

#2- Explain that it ‘ s not their fault.

More than anything a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren ‘ t their fault.

Understanding that their parents ‘ instability isn ‘ t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child ‘ s shoulders. And that is the very important: to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

#3 – Remove yourself from the situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend ‘ s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

#4 – Get help around the house.

If meals aren ‘ t getting made or the house isn ‘ t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and, if you can ‘ t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

#5 – Seek professional psychiatric help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child.

See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

How To Show Your Kids You Love Them Without Using Your Words

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We all love our kids. From the moment they are born we swear that we will do everything in our power to protect them and give them a good life. But sometimes it’s hard to know how to show your kids you love them other than by telling them so.

Unfortunately, our lives and our lived experiences can get in the way and we don ‘ t always do the best we can by our kids.

There are a few things that we can do, every day, that will let our kids know that we love them, even if it isn ‘ t that obvious to them.

#1 – Listen to them.

When my kids were growing up they and all of their friends spent a ton of time at our house. I always thought it was because of my amazing chocolate chip cookies but I have since learned that they liked to spend time there because I actually listened to them.

Our kids have a lot to say but we often don ‘ t listen. We are so caught up in our own lives and our own assumptions about what they are saying that we don ‘ t actually LISTEN to the words that come out of their mouths.

Yes, a lot of nothing can come out of our kid’s mouths but if you aren ‘ t truly listening you could miss that little morsel, the thing that comes out that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

So put down your phone and listen to your kids. Today.

#2 – Let them be kids.

Remember when we were young? Our parents used to send us out the back door after breakfast and tell us not to come home until luncheon. We used to walk to school. We used to have play dates in the afternoon. We got dirty and made messes and had a whole lot of fun.

Today ‘ s kids are over protected and over scheduled. As a result they are stressed out little versions of their parents. And they become stressed out adults soon after.

Give your kids some space and some time. Let them know what it is like to have nothing to do and time to fill. Let them bike to a friend ‘ s house so they don ‘ t live in fear. Let them scrape their knee and get up and keep on playing.

Being an adult is really hard. Let them be kids for as long as you can.

#3 – Be the grown up.

One thing I see more than anything in my work is parents who act like children around their children.

What do I mean by this?

I have a client whose child is very difficult. She is rude and acts out and is generally very hard to be around. Instead of understanding that her child is really struggling in the world, my client takes her child ‘ s behavior personally. Instead of recognizing, with her adult brain, that her child is struggling and needs her support, she snaps back in the same way she was just snapped at.

All of this snapping just makes the situation worse. And her child has learned that she can ‘ t rely on her mother to help or support her in any way.

Imagine if, instead, my client was able to react to her daughter’s behavior in a less personal manner. If she stayed calm and empathized and listened and hugged. Instead of ratcheting up her daughter’s behavior, she was able to soothe it and calm her. How much better would that be for everyone?

So be the grown up. Know that your child is young and inexperienced and needs a guiding hand. The guiding hand of their parent.

#4 – Embrace your kids’ dreams.

Soon after I graduated from college my father took me shopping for job interview clothing. We bought a fabulous suit (this was the 80 ‘ s) and then went out for lunch.

Halfway through our bottle of wine, I was prattling on about the dream I had about my life. The exciting things that I would do. I was young and the world was my oyster.

What did my dad say in response to my dreams? I think you are going to have a really average life. That is what my dad said.

35 years later I still remember what he said that day. And I would be lying if what he said doesn ‘ t reverberate in my head with every new life choice I make, if the words that my father said to me didn’t affect my belief in myself.

So embrace your kids’ dreams. Even if they seem out of reach to your adult mind, encourage them to dream. To want to make the most out of their life. Knowing they have their parents support is the best motivator any kid could have.

#5 – Make your kids the priority.

One thing that my kids know, and have always known, is that if they need me I will move heaven and earth to be there for them.

At times making them a priority has interfered with my life. I stayed home with them instead of pursuing a career so that they would always know I would be there for them. I neglected my marriage so that I could be there for them. I have walked away from men who weren ‘ t a good fit with my kids for them.

But I know that in this scary, scary world my kids know, to their very core, that they have one person they can always rely on to be there for them. And as a result they feel safe.

What a gift that is. To always feel safe.

Of course you love your kids. Even the most absent parent still loves their kids. But the single most important, most formative relationship one has in one ‘ s life is the relationship with a parent. Treat it that way.

So show you kids your love them in more ways than one. Listen to them, let them be kids, support them and prioritize them. If you do so you will set them up to be happy, healthy, well adjusted and fully loved grown ups. And what a gift that will be.

Oh. One more thing. Buy them a bike. Every kid needs a bike ‘ ¦.

 

 

5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind

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Your kid is going off to college. Holy s*%t.

While there were some occasions a few years back when you thought this moment couldn ‘ t come soon enough, now that it ‘ s here the prospect is hitting you like a ton of bricks.

Your child is leaving. That force of nature who has lived in your house for 18 years. How are you going to survive that loss?

Surviving, and even thriving, is not only possible but probable.

Here is my latest ‘ ¦5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind.

#1 – Pay attention to how you are feeling.

Most likely your body is in physical pain, a result of psychological suffering at the loss of your child. And most likely the center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless and makes you feel like you are going to die.

That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that your child won ‘ t be able to survive without you. That you won ‘ t be able to survive without them. That everything will be different now and how do you deal with that? That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts. Frustrating, no?

There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first is to talk back to that brain of yours. Tell it that it is being ridiculous. That your child is ready to do this and will be fine. That you have survived their being toddlers and teenagers so you can survive their leaving. And change is good. It ‘ s not easy to talk back to your thoughts but you can do it.

The second is to remember to breathe. Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breath in for 3 seconds and out for 5. This kind of breathing will actually calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Revel in their successes and opportunities.

Your child is going to COLLEGE. How huge is that?

Since they were born one of your dreams for them has been college. College opens up doors for our kids. It allows them to think deep, dream big and share it with all kinds of like-minded and other-minded people. It will clear pathways that will take them forward into the rest of their lives.

And don ‘ t forget the role that you have played in all of this. It is because of you that they are ready to fly, to leave home and thrive. Don ‘ t underestimate the value of this. Without you this never could have happened!

Most of all, they aren’t leaving you behind. You and everything you have taught them will stay with them throughout their college life, whispering in their ear and guiding their decisions. And don’t worry. They will come back. There is laundry to be done and home-cooked food to be eaten.

#3 – Cry. But not too much.

It ‘ s okay that that you are feeling sad. Of course you are. And your child is feeling sad too. Leaving home leads to mixed emotions.

Tell your child that you are sad that they are leaving and that you are going to miss them. They need to know. It ‘ s important that they see real emotion from you, emotions that they can mirror as they want.

DO NOT go on and on repeatedly about how much you will miss them. Don ‘ t lie on their bed as they pack, sobbing. Don ‘ t make a scene when you drop them off at the dorm. Even if you feel like bursting into tears, don ‘ t. There is time enough for that on the car ride home.

You don ‘ t want to burden your child with the guilt of your sadness because doing so might hamper their ability to assimilate into their new school. This is not good.

So cry ‘ ¦ but within reason.

#4 – Plan a visit. But not tomorrow.

Colleges and universities have it all figured out. Usually by October, when everyone is missing each other, A LOT, there are parent weekends scheduled. This is a weekend where the kids get to share their new home with you and you get to buy them things. Fun times are had by all.

So plan to do this (and make hotel reservations well ahead of time as they tend to fill up). Planning will make you happy.

DO NOT plan to visit your child before that. Don ‘ t stop by to do their laundry or help with their homework or just because you miss them. It ‘ s like summer camp – they need to go cold turkey from their parents to really settle in. You being around will prevent that from happening.

#5 – Take a good look at the rest of your life.

Even if this child is not your last to leave home now is the time where your life will start to change.

You have spent the past 18 years devoting yourself to your children and running your household. You have given so much of yourself, happily, but now it ‘ s time to start taking care of you.

Take a good hard look at the choices you have made that have brought you to where you are today. Take a good hard look at where you want to be in the next half of your life. Take a good hard look at what is important to you.

This is it. This is your time. You have age and you have wisdom and now it ‘ s time to start at least laying the groundwork to living the life that you have always wanted.

So there you go – 5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind.

The next few weeks will be tough but you, and your child, will get through it. It ‘ s also a magical time, a time for your child to enter his or her world and for you to begin to grow in yours.

Embrace it. It only happens once.

Need any more ideas about how to survive and thrive? Contact me and I can help!

5 Reasons People Becomes Happier After A Divorce

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Can divorce make you happier? Let me tell you a story…

I remember I would wake up in the morning, looking forward to my day, and then would roll over and see the still warm, empty space next to me in bed. My stomach would sink. My husband had gone to the gym and I was glad because that meant I wouldn ‘ t have to see him.

As the day progressed we occasionally talked on the phone, mostly about bills and the kids ‘ schedules and whether he would make it home in time for dinner. Communications about the running of our family business. We were good at that.

I remember seeing his car drive in the driveway every night and thinking, ‘ Ok. This is it. Tonight I am going to hug him and be happy to see him. ‘ And he would walk in the door and go right to the stack of mail and rifle through it, something he knew I hated. There would be a perfunctory kiss, he would get a drink or two, and we would spend the rest of the night operating in parallel, dealing with homework and bedtime.

My husband and I never fought, but we were both desperately unhappy. 18 years of a thousand little cuts, of unresolved conflicts, of the contempt of the familiar, had wrought serious damage.

And even though we barely existed in the same space I really believed that somehow we would find our way back to each other. We had shared dreams for the future after all and how could we let those go?

One day he told me he wanted a divorce. He didn’t want to work on our marriage. He was done.

I was devastated.

What followed was one long year of divorce proceedings. It wasn’t very pleasant. And then it was all over. 18 years of marriage. Done.

Despite all of that, or perhaps because of it, here I am, 6 years later, living a life that is happier than I ever could have imagined. Yes, it is different from the one I thought I would be living with my husband, but it is most notably different because I am happy. Truly happy.

How can that be? Let me go on…

#1 – Your Kids Will Thrive:

The first thing that my son said to me when he learned we were separating was ‘ Good. Because I hate coming home. There is always so much tension. ‘ And this was true. Now, when he comes home, either to me or to his dad ‘ s, his home is cleared of the anger that used to cloud it.

My kids also now have a much better relationship with their dad. Before the divorce, I came between them. They spent more time with me and saw how unhappy I was, and they distanced themselves from him. Now they see their dad separately from me, and it has made them all closer, which is a gift.

Because I talk to them more openly than I did before, and I understand what went wrong with my marriage, my kids have a much clearer picture of what it takes to make a relationship work. That is something that I wish I had had when entering my marriage.

My kids are doing great in more ways than one. And that to me, is the most important thing.

#2 – No More “Thousand Little Cuts.”:

You know what I am talking about. Every day there was some kind of slight, big or small. The mail that was rifled through, the 3rd drink, the coming home late again, the snapping. We were constantly at each other, not overtly, but in ways that caused pain. We had unresolved issues and tons of resentment. We struggled to stay calm in each other’s presence. We lived in the same house but were always lonely.

My days are filled with happiness and contentment that I haven ‘ t known in a long time. I wake up in the morning without that sinking feeling in my stomach. I spend my days working, being with the kids, and living my life without the constant dread of the next little thing coming that would cause me pain.

This has made me a better person and a better mother. And have I mentioned it? Happier.

#3 – New Friendships:

One of the most beautiful parts of my single life is the number of new friendships I have developed.

When married, we tend to insulate ourselves from the rest of the world because of our relationship. We might have friends in other couples, but our primary relationship is with our spouse.

Now I have many friends of all different stripes who make my life fuller every day. And they say that good friendships are the number one cause of sustained happiness. How lucky am I?

#4 – Being Your Own Person:

For years I identified myself as someone ‘ s wife. Yes, I was a successful mom, realtor, and life coach, but every decision that I made about my life was made in consideration of my relationship with my spouse.

Now I live life the way I want to. Yes, I have my obligations to my kids and my job, and the US Treasury Department, but I get to live in a way that makes my heart sing.

I recently moved from Vermont to New York City, have a thriving life coaching business, and volunteer extensively with the National Alliance on Mental Illness. All things that I love.

The life that I am leading makes me happy every day.

#5 – A Life Full of Hope:

When I was married, I was so lonely and sad that I never had any hope for the future. When you live a life mired in unhappiness, positive thoughts for the future are impossible.

Now I know that the sky is the limit. I can have all the personal success I want as long as I am willing to go for it. I have my own business, of which I am proud, my kids are turning into amazing adults, and I have a man I love deeply with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life.

I have been through a lot, but it makes me who I am today. And I love who I am today ‘ ¦

When Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last year, her lawyer said she ‘ did it for the health of her family. ‘ A reporter declared, ‘ Love is Dead. ‘

I would say that love is not dead but very much alive. Angelina, recognizing that her marriage could not be salvaged, made the difficult decision to get out of it for her own health and her family’s health. So that they all could have the chance to be happy again; it is the end of something that wasn’t working and the beginning of something that will. An actual act of love.

I am not saying you should walk out on your marriage, but I encourage you to consider the bigger picture ‘ ¦your happiness and those around you. As I have said before, if you live a life that makes your heart sing, those you love will be better for it.

I am living proof that it happens. The photo at the top of this blog is me!

 

You must be struggling with your divorce if you have read this far.

 

Let me help you NOW so that you can start moving forward with your life!

 

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Reasons Why Women Should Vote In US Elections

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I have spoken with many women how have said that they just aren ‘ t going to vote. I always respond, ‘ But you have to! ‘

According to exit polls, 53 percent of people who voted in the 2012 election were women. In most states, more women than men are registered to vote, and there is a much higher turnout rate for women at the polls.

These numbers mean power. And it’s time for women to wield that power.

#1 – To honor the women who came before:

The battle for a woman ‘ s right to vote started in the early 1800s with Susan B. Anthony and Lucretia Mott, among others, working hard to establish women ‘ s equality with men.

For almost 100 years, women fought for that equality, part of which was the right to vote. They were humiliated and discriminated against, the subject of derision and sometimes violence for their efforts. They didn ‘ t give up. Even when imprisoned and forced to hunger strike, these women fought on.

It wasn ‘ t until 1920 that the US government passed the 19th Amendment, granting women the right to vote. Even so, many states didn ‘ t ratify the amendment for years. Mississippi didn ‘ t do so until 1984, 60 years later and only 32 years ago.

32 years ago, women in Mississippi could not vote.

Don ‘ t take a right to vote for granted. It was hard fought for, and we women must proudly exercise our rights.

#2 – To honor the women we are now:

Much is being said these days about the persistent lack of equality for women worldwide. Women make less money on the dollar than men in the workplace. Ambitious women are labeled ‘ bitches. ‘ Women are discriminated against for getting pregnant or caring for children. Women are subjected to emotional and physical abuse by bosses and husbands.

It is time for this to end. And it will only end if we women take a stand.

In her book Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg talks about how women are held back but also how we hold ourselves back. She makes the argument that women need to advocate more for themselves, to believe themselves equal to men, to not allow discrimination to hold them back from anything.

She says that it is up to us to change our stars. No one else will do it for us.

Voting is one way for us to do this, to ‘ Lean In.” We have the right to vote. We have the right to have a say in our nation’s politics. We have the right to use our voices, which we often only whisper with, to bring about real change.

#3 – Because every vote counts:

I know it doesn ‘ t seem that way. Presidents have been elected, although they didn ‘ t win the popular vote. But your vote matters, particularly in your home state.

Each state has a different number of electoral votes, which is based on the total of all of its representatives in Congress, both in the House of Representatives and the Senate. A candidate needs 270 of those electoral votes to win the presidency.

In most states, for a candidate to win that state and its corresponding electoral votes, he or she must receive the majority of the popular vote. This is where your vote counts. Your vote will contribute towards a candidate winning or losing, a state which will determine the outcome of the presidential campaign.

If you don ‘ t cast your vote, your candidate could lose your state and, ultimately, the presidency.

#4 – Because important women ‘ s issues are now at stake:

More than ever, important women ‘ s issues are at stake, and the next president could have a huge hand in which direction those women ‘ s issues go.

At issue right now is:
*A woman ‘ s right to access Planned Parenthood
*Paid family leave
*Income equality
*Minimum wage increases
*Debt-free education

The outcome of these issues will greatly impact our lives and the lives of our daughters and granddaughters. We can ‘ t just sit back and think that ‘ everyone else ‘ will do this. We need to exercise our right to make a real difference by voting.

#5 – To set a good example for our children:

I remember in 1976; my mother took me with her to vote. It was the year that Jimmy Carter was running against Gerald Ford. This was not a campaign that had electrified the nation.

I remember driving to the voting booth and my mother telling me about my great-grandmother (and namesake), who fought for the right to vote, and how her lawyer husband fought alongside her (and got her out of jail when imprisoned). She impressed upon me the importance of voting out of respect for our grandmothers and those who fought alongside them.

I went into the voting booth with her and watched her cast her vote. And we got ‘ I VOTED ‘ stickers afterwards, which was huge.

Our children increasingly take a right to vote for granted and are disillusioned by modern politics. We need to teach them to demonstrate to them how important this fundamental American right is.

And how by doing so they can make a real difference.

Every American has the right to vote, which shouldn ‘ t be ignored, dismissed, or taken for granted. Without it our country would be a different place.

And we women have the power to change things in so many ways. Voting is one of them. So get out and vote this year.

Let’s change the world!

Have you let go of love and are struggling withthecurrent state of politics?
Let me help NOW, so you can get through it and move on!
Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Survive Your Child Going off to College

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Your kid is going off to college. Holy s*%t.

While there were some occasions a few years back when you thought this moment couldn ‘ t come soon enough, now that it ‘ s here, the prospect is hitting you like a ton of bricks.

Your child is leaving. That force of nature who has lived in your house for 18 years. How are you going to survive that loss? How are you going to survive your child going off to college?

Surviving, and even thriving, is not only possible but probable. Here is my latest…

#1 – Pay attention to how you are feeling:

Most likely, your body is in physical pain due to psychological suffering at the loss of your child. And most likely, the center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless, making you feel like you will die.

That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that your child won ‘ t be able to survive without you. That you won ‘ t be able to survive without them. That everything will be different now, and how do you deal with that? That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts. Frustrating, no?

There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first is to talk back to that brain of yours. Tell it that it is ridiculous. That your child is ready to do this and will be fine. That you have survived their being toddlers and teenagers so you can survive their leaving. And change is good. Talking back to your thoughts is difficult, but you can do it.

The second is to remember to breathe. Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 5. This kind of breathing will calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Revel in their successes and opportunities:

Your child is going to COLLEGE. How huge is that?

Since they were born, one of your dreams for them has been college. College opens up doors for our kids. It allows them to think deeply, dream big and share it with like-minded and other-minded people. It will clear pathways that will take them forward into the rest of their lives.

And don ‘ t forget the role that you have played in all of this. Because of you, they are ready to fly, leave home and thrive. Don ‘ t underestimate the value of this. Without you, this never could have happened!

#3 – Cry. But not too much:

It ‘ s okay that you are feeling sad. Of course, you are. And your child is feeling sad too. Leaving home leads to mixed emotions.

Tell your child that you are sad that they are leaving and that you are going to miss them. They need to know. They must see real emotion from you, which they can mirror.

DON ‘ T repeatedly repeat how much you will miss them. Don ‘ t lie on their bed as they pack, sobbing. Don ‘ t make a scene when you drop them off at the dorm. Even if you feel like bursting into tears, don ‘ t. There is time enough for that on the car ride home.

You don’t want to burden your child with the guilt of your sadness because doing so might hamper their ability to assimilate into their new school. This is not good.

So cry… but within reason.

#4 – Plan A Visit. But Not Tomorrow:

Colleges and universities have it all figured out. Usually, by October, when everyone misses each other A LOT, parent weekends are scheduled. This is a weekend where the kids get to share their new home with you, and you get to buy them things. All have fun times.

So plan to do this (and make hotel reservations well ahead of time as they tend to fill up). Planning will make you happy.

DO NOT plan to visit your child before that. Don ‘ t stop by to do their laundry, help with their homework, or just because you miss them. It ‘ s like summer camp – they need to go cold turkey from their parents to settle in. You being around will prevent that from happening.

#5 – Take a good look at the rest of your life:

Even if this child is not your last to leave home, now is when your life will change.

You have spent 18 years devoting yourself to your children and running your household. You have given so much of yourself, happily, but now it ‘ s time to start caring for yourself.

Take a good hard look at your choices that have brought you to where you are today. Take a hard look at where you want to be in the next half of your life. Take a good hard look at what is important to you.

This is it. This is your time. You have age and wisdom, and now it ‘ s time to start at least laying the groundwork to living the life you have always wanted.

The next few weeks will be tough, but you, and your child, will get through it. It ‘ s also a magical time, a time for your child to enter his or her world and for you to begin to grow in yours.

Embrace it. It only happens once.

Are you struggling with how to survive your child going off to college?
I know it can be hard. Let me help before it overwhelms you!
Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Stay Calm in the Middle of Chaos

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Ok. It ‘ s bedtime. You know the drill. Homework is being wrapped up; teeth are being brushed; the next day’s school clothes are being chosen, lost books are being retrieved, and that last text message is being sent.

And everybody is calmly taking care of their business as you supervise from your easy chair, right? NOT!

Bedtime is chaos. Getting off to school is chaos. Doing homework and making dinner is chaos. Your life is chaos.

Sometimes it ‘ s hard to stay patient in the middle of it all.

There are ways to manage the chaos without breaking down and screaming, which might make you feel better in the moment but is rarely a good motivator. And something you always regret.

Here are my ideas for 5 Ways for Moms to Stay Calm in the Middle of Chaos – Even if Losing It Seems Inevitable. I will use bedtime as an example to work from.

#1 – Stay aware:

Bedtime is chaotic, jam-packed, and exhausting. Every night. It ‘ s just the nature of the beast. If you go into it remembering that it is chaotic, jam-packed, and exhausting, you will have a better chance of managing it without losing it.

Before it begins, take a minute (or more if you have it). Take a deep breath. Have a cup of tea. Whatever it will take to get your calm on, go for it.

If you enter a situation already stressed out, having just finished a work call or throwing the dishes in the dishwasher, chances are you will break much quicker than if you go calm.

#2 – Ask for help:

There are usually two grown-ups in the house at bedtime. Don ‘ t try to do it all yourself. It ‘ s something that we moms try to do. Everything. And it usually doesn ‘ t end well.

Divide and conquer. Each of you takes a child. Or one person manages teeth brushing while the other helps pack up homework. Define your tasks clearly, so everyone knows and sticks to their job.

And don ‘ t let the kids play you off each other. Remember that you are a team and that you are bigger than those little people who are trying to run all over you.

#3 – Declare if you are escalating:

I don ‘ t know about you, but I tend to keep my frustration bottled up, allowing them to slowly build until I erupt with loud, ugly words. My kids then looked at me like I was crazy because they had no idea how the night approached me.

Let your kids know if you start to escalate. I use a 10-point scale: 1 being calm and 10 being at the edge. ‘ Hey kids, ‘ I say, ‘ Mom is at a 5. Can we please calm down and get into bed. ‘

This lets the kids know that your frustration is mounting so that perhaps they can tweak their behaviors to prevent the eruption of Mt. Mom.

#4 – Take a deep breath:

Next time you drive by an 18-wheeler on the highway, notice what you are doing. Chances are you are holding your breath. And gripping the steering wheel very tightly. It ‘ s tension-filled; in those few seconds, you inch past them. And your body reacts.

Next time you drive by an 18-wheeler, take a deep breath. You will immediately feel yourself relaxing, your hands unclenching. You will get by that truck without missing a beat.

Take the above action and apply it too chaotic times. Take a deep breath. Repeat as necessary. It is sure to calm you down.

#5 – Visualize what is next:

One of the best ways to get through a chaotic situation is to visualize the prize at the end of the chaos. Bedtime is no exception.

Good things wait for you on the other side when the bedtime routine is over. Time with your spouse. Another episode of “House of Cards.” A bath. Looking in on your beautiful sleeping children. YOUR BED.

As your frustration grows, picture what is on the other side. And know that if you stay calm, the chaos will probably subside quicker, and you will get to your prize.

So there are 5 Ways to Stay Calm in the Middle of Chaos – Even if Losing It Seems Inevitable.

Our lives are chaotic, jam-packed, and crazy. And chances are they aren ‘ t going to change until your kids go off to college and you are left alone in an empty house (but that is a whole ‘ ˜nother topic).

Learning to manage the chaos with your hair and sanity intact is the best way to get through it. And you can do it. Think of all of the chaotic things you have survived already. This is just one more. You CAN DO IT.

Looking for more coping tips to get through your crazy life? I can help. Contact me now, and we can get you started down the path to living the life of your dreams.

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