Are you considering taking the first step to ending your marriage and are you wondering how to set appropriate boundaries for marriage separation?
Good for you for planning ahead! Marriage separation is a big move, and a very challenging one, so making a proactive effort to set boundaries is an excellent plan!
Not sure where to start? Let me help!
Appropriate boundaries for marriage separation will be different for everyone but there are some specific areas that most people consider when creating those boundaries.
#1 – Maintaining physical space.
For as long as you have been in this relationship, you and your partner have shared space. You have had both shared and separate schedules and you come as go as you please.
Now that you are separating, ground rules will have to be set as to who is where when.
If you are living in the house, when can your partner come over? Does he call ahead? Do you always want to be there or never want to be there when he comes?
What about the possessions in the house? Will they stay as is until the divorce is final or will your partner remove his half to furnish his new place?
How about the kids’ school events? Will you both attend or do you need to make a schedule to define who goes where when?
Physical space is a very tricky area to maneuver during a marriage separation. Emotions are usually so high that maintaining some kind of space is important but to what extent it’s up to each couple.
#2 – How money will be spent.
Do you and your partner have a shared bank account? One where both of your money is deposited when received?
Or do you have separate accounts and one joint one to manage household finances?
Perhaps he gets paid in cash and it gets kept in a safety deposit box while your funds go into the house account?
Whatever your bank situation, once you are separated, the bills are still going to need to be paid. It is important that you and your partner decide who is going to pay what when.
Here is a partial list of things to consider when dividing things up
- Household management expenses – mortgage, utilities, water, cable, trash, taxes, home maintenance costs
- Household occupant expenses – groceries, clothing, pet care, car costs
- Kids’ expenses – school, activities, day care
- Medical Insurance – doctors and therapist expenses
Again, this is a partial list. Here is a link to a more comprehensive link, should you desire one.
#3 – Time spent with the kids.
This is a big one. Who gets time with the kids is one of the most emotionally charged pieces of getting separated, so emotionally charged that people often don’t get separated so that they don’t have to deal with it.
As soon as possible after the decision to separate occurs, it is important the you decide who is going to see the kids when. This will be a scary time for the kids and having a schedule in place ASAP will help them a lot in the transition. And helping them get through this intact must be a high priority.
So, work together, being as reasonable as you can, to make sure that the kids have time with each parent. You might not like your partner right now but they are still your kids’ parent and time with them is important.
#4 – Interactions with new partners.
I remember, when my ex-husband left me for someone else, he tried to bring her into his life right away. He introduced her to his family within months and insisted that our kids meet her soon after.
Our kids were devastated. Their daddy wanted them to meet his new love, someone who wasn’t their mommy. This person meant nothing to them – he was just their dad’s girlfriend but he thought it was imperative that she become a part of their life.
Before you make the decision to bring the kids into your grown up romantic relationship, carefully consider your motivations. Are you doing it for them or for you? Do you feel like you need to be validated by your kids or is your new partner pressuring you into making the introduction?
Remember, for most kids, all they really want is their parents back together so bringing someone new into the equation too soon will not be a good thing for them. Perhaps not for anybody.
#5 – Consider your own personal needs.
The list above is of areas that most couples look at when setting appropriate boundaries for marriage separation but it isn’t an exhaustive one.
It is important that you consider what is important to you when setting up boundaries.
For me, it was essential that I had my things around me when I moved out of the house. I knew that to survive the emotional turmoil that was ahead I would need the comfort of things that I feathered my nest with. So, I asked for my things and I took them.
What might be important for you to have to get you through this tough period? Perhaps you want to go to marriage counseling and want that to be part of the established boundaries. Or perhaps it’s important to you that you continue to spend one weekend a month as a family, visiting your aging parents.
Carefully consider what YOU need to stay strong and healthy during what might be the most difficult time in your life.
Breaking up a relationship sucks. It’s just that simple. And setting appropriate relationship boundaries for marriage separation is a key part of managing just how sucky it will be.
Work closely with you partner during this tumultuous time, to try to keep your family business running on an even keel, even if emotions are running high.
Many couples don’t set boundaries and all hell breaks loose around the family and the finances, to the point that relationships fail and finances are ruined.
Don’t do that. Set some boundaries now! You will be glad you did!
Are you getting separated and looking to set boundaries?
Let me help, NOW, to make the transition seamless for everyone!
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.