How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

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Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

5 Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust After Emotional Abuse

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” [7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” [8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. [9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. [2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. [9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

One of my clients finally escaped from a toxic relationship and was eager to get started on her healing. She found a space in her home that was her special place, a place that didn’t connect to her ex at. She used that space as a recovery area. When she was feeling sad, she retreated there and found some peace, or cried her eyes out. Once she started healing that was the place she went to help her blossom into the person she is now. Think about creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. [11]

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. [2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. [9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. [9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. [9][3][10]

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. [9][10]

#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters [12].

Some positive choices: taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, doing that thing you have always wanted to do. Some negative choices: stalking him, revisiting places that you had shared, constantly looking at his social media.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. [13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. [3]

Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” [4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Is it Love or Control? Key Differences That You Must Look Out For

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I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after?

The key is, I tell them, is whether or not their partner truly loves them or is really just trying to control them.

The most important thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Is There Open Communication and Clear Boundaries?

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: A Side-by-Side Comparison

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. [1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. [2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. [1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. [2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

Why Productivity Drops After Heartbreak And How To Fix It

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Heartbreak can severely impact your productivity, with up to 40% drops in output, difficulty concentrating (94%), and disrupted sleep (83%). Emotional distress from breakups often leads to anxiety, confusion, and even physical health issues, which can linger for months. The financial toll is massive, costing U.S. businesses over $100 billion annually due to lost productivity.

Heartbreak recovery takes time, but with the right strategies, you can, as you heal, regain control and move forward stronger.

7 Habits To Heal From A Breakup FASTER Evidence-Based

Why Does Heartbreak Hurt Your Productivity?

#1 – Mental Stress and Racing Thoughts

When you’re dealing with heartbreak, your mind can feel like it’s running a marathon you never signed up for. Instead of zoning in on that big project or upcoming deadline, your brain replays past conversations and regrets like a broken record. This constant mental noise doesn’t just distract you – it actively drains your ability to process information and make decisions.

Research shows that 44% of divorced employees report that the emotional strain negatively impacts their work[3]. Many struggle with focus, decision-making, and even maintaining workplace relationships. It’s like your brain is stuck in overdrive, leaving little room for anything else.

And then there’s the vicious cycle. The harder you try to focus, the more frustrated you get when you can’t. This frustration feeds into your stress, creating a loop that feels impossible to escape. Over time, this mental strain doesn’t just cloud your thoughts – it starts to take a toll on your physical health too.

#2 – The Physical Impact

Heartbreak isn’t just in your head – it’s in your body too. The emotional stress can wreak havoc on your physical health, draining your energy and motivation. Sleep becomes a casualty, with restless nights leading to groggy mornings. And when you’re sleep-deprived, everything suffers – your reaction time slows, your memory falters, and making decisions feels like climbing a mountain.

The numbers paint a grim picture: 88% of people report anxiety, and 66% experience panic attacks or frequent illness during heartbreak[1]. These aren’t just minor annoyances; they’re serious issues that can cripple your ability to function at work.

Stress hormones like cortisol surge during heartbreak, further complicating things. This hormonal flood can weaken your immune system, making you more prone to getting sick. In severe cases, heartbreak can even lead to “broken heart syndrome,” a condition where emotional stress temporarily impairs your heart’s ability to pump blood[3]. While rare, it underscores just how deeply heartbreak can affect your physical well-being – and your performance at work.

#3 – Difficulty Working with Others

The challenges don’t stop with your mind and body – they also spill into your work relationships and daily interactions. Heartbreak often brings emotional shifts like confusion, irritability, and withdrawal, which can strain your connections with coworkers. You might find yourself snapping at colleagues, skipping team meetings, or avoiding group projects altogether.

The fallout is real: 83% of grieving employees say their professional reputation took a hit, and 79% even considered quitting their job after a major heartbreak[1].

#4 – Too Many Sick Days

Absenteeism is another hurdle that comes with heartbreak. When the emotional weight feels unbearable, just getting out of bed and showing up to work can seem impossible. 73% of employees going through divorce report higher absenteeism, disrupting not just their own productivity but also their team’s ability to meet deadlines and hit goals[4].

#5 – Communication Challenges

Communication takes a hit when we are dealing with heartbreak. We might struggle to get our thoughts across in meetings, miss key details in emails, or let messages go unanswered. Over time, these small missteps can snowball, creating a reputation for being unreliable.

Research highlights that 94% of people struggling with heartbreak experience difficulty concentrating, so acting quickly to manage the situation is crucial[1].

#6 – The Need to Isolate

And then there’s the isolation. Pulling back from workplace social interactions might feel like self-preservation, but it also cuts you off from the support systems that could help you bounce back. This withdrawal creates a downward spiral: poor performance leads to isolation, which makes recovering and rebuilding even harder. It’s a tough cycle to break, but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward regaining your footing.

How Do You Get Your Productivity Back After Heartbreak?

Heartbreak can be a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to derail your productivity forever. By combining professional support, establishing new routines, and prioritizing self-care, you can rebuild your focus and regain control of your work life. Let’s explore how.

#1 – Get Professional Help.

There are specific signs that indicate your heartbreak might require professional attention. Studies reveal that 92% of people dealing with significant emotional loss experience at least one major health issue, such as anxiety, confusion, sleep problems, chronic insomnia, frequent illness, unexplained fatigue, or even chest pain[1].

Heartbreak can feel all-consuming, making it hard to focus or even make simple decisions. It’s no surprise that 70% of people dealing with grief turn to professional help[1]. Structured support can be a game-changer, helping you not only process your emotions but also restore your work performance.

One of the biggest red flags is persistent depression lasting more than two weeks. If feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or deep sadness seem unshakable, it’s a sign that your heartbreak may have escalated into clinical depression. Research suggests that 20% of people going through a breakup develop clinical depression, which can severely disrupt both their mental well-being and productivity.

Programs like 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On offer targeted resources to guide you through heartbreak. The course combines emotional healing with practical strategies to rebuild focus and productivity. Through daily activities, participants explore emotional processing, self-reflection, and future planning, avoiding the trap of dwelling on painful thoughts without progress.[1].

“I can help you get all that…and more…by creating, together, a personalized plan to get you the life, and love, you have always dreamed of!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach, Let Your Dreams Begin

Investing in professional help can also save you from long-term setbacks. U.S. businesses lose over $100 billion annually due to grief-related productivity issues.[2]. Seeking support early can prevent extended periods of reduced performance and help you stay on track professionally.

#2 – Create New Daily Habits

When heartbreak leaves you feeling unmoored, a consistent daily routine can provide the stability you need. Simple habits like waking up at the same time each day, planning meals, and taking a short morning walk can create a sense of normalcy.

Research shows that maintaining a structured routine lowers stress and anxiety levels[1]. And when stress is reduced, your ability to focus at work improves.

Using tools like habit-tracking apps or a journal can help you stay motivated. Even small wins, like sticking to a routine for a week, can rebuild your confidence. These habits aren’t just about structure – they’re about proving to yourself that you can follow through, which is a cornerstone of workplace productivity.

#3 – Take Care of Yourself First

Heartbreak often takes a physical toll, and ignoring these symptoms can sabotage your ability to focus. For instance, 83% of people experience sleep disruption, and 66% deal with frequent illnesses after heartbreak[1]. Addressing these issues is critical.

Its important to prioritize sleep. Aim for 7–9 hours each night by sticking to a bedtime routine, reducing screen time before bed, and keeping your room cool and dark. A well-rested mind is sharper and better equipped to handle challenges.

Physical activity is another powerful tool to increase your productivity after heartbreak. Exercise releases endorphins, lifting your mood and reducing anxiety. You don’t need to overdo it – just 30 minutes of moderate activity daily can make a big difference in how you feel and focus.

Make sure to eat well. While it’s tempting to skip meals or rely on comfort foods, a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins supports both your physical and mental health.

“Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity for maintaining productivity and emotional health.” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

The American Psychological Association reports that self-care can lead to a 30% boost in productivity when emotional well-being improves[1]. By prioritizing your physical and emotional health, you’re building a foundation for long-term recovery and better work performance.

Heartbreak doesn’t have to derail your productivity indefinitely.

While 91% of people report a drop in output that can last up to a year or more[1], recovery is entirely within reach with the right approach.

Healing takes time, both mentally and physically. By combining self-compassion with structured routines, you can gradually rebuild your focus and emotional resilience. When challenges feel overwhelming, seeking targeted support can make all the difference.

Know that, if you take steps to take care of yourself and get some help, your productivity will return, and your emotional well-being will stabilize. By focusing on healing and taking proactive steps, you’ll not only regain your footing but also discover newfound strength. The path forward is there – take that first step today.

“Even one session can make a huge difference so reach out now!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

Best Books for Healing After Heartbreak

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Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, impacting both your emotions and daily life. But the right book can provide tools to help you recover, rebuild, and grow. Here’s a list of ten highly recommended books that tackle heartbreak from different angles – whether you need practical advice, emotional support, or a new perspective on healing:

  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: Straightforward advice to accept the breakup and move forward with humor and clarity.
  • This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe: Self-reflection exercises to rediscover yourself and build healthier patterns.
  • Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott: Actionable steps like the “no contact” rule to help you heal and regain control.
  • The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver: Encourages embracing emotions as a path to personal growth.
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: A memoir of self-discovery and healing after divorce.
  • The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson: Explores the emotional stages of heartbreak and tools for recovery.
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques to manage emotions and find peace.
  • Feeling Good by David D. Burns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) strategies to overcome negative thought patterns.
  • Rising Strong by Brené Brown: A guide to resilience, identifying emotional triggers, and rewriting your story.
  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl: A philosophical approach to finding purpose and strength through pain.

Each book caters to different needs, from practical steps to deep emotional insights. Whether you’re looking to process your feelings, shift your perspective, or take actionable steps, there’s a book here for you.

Quick Comparison

Book Title Focus Best For
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken Accepting the breakup, moving forward Those ready for blunt, humorous advice
This Is Me Letting You Go Self-reflection, building self-love Readers seeking introspection
Getting Past Your Breakup Structured recovery, no-contact rule Those needing clear, actionable steps
The Wisdom of a Broken Heart Embracing emotions, mindfulness Readers open to spiritual growth
Eat, Pray, Love Rediscovery after loss Those ready for life changes and exploration
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing Healing abandonment pain, emotional stages Individuals dealing with deep rejection
The Happiness Trap Managing emotions with ACT techniques Readers handling anxiety or obsessive thoughts
Feeling Good CBT for overcoming negative thoughts Those struggling with low self-esteem
Rising Strong Resilience, emotional triggers Readers seeking growth from setbacks

Choose a book that fits your current stage of healing and start your journey toward recovery.

Book Recommendations – 4 Books to Mend a Broken Heart

#1 – It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

This book gets straight to the point: your relationship ended for a reason, and that’s actually a good thing. Written by Greg Behrendt, co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You, and his wife Amiira, this guide offers no-nonsense advice, from both male and female viewpoints, to help you cut through the emotional fog that often follows a breakup.

At the most basic level, the authors delivers a clear message: accept the breakup and move forward. They encourage readers to stop dissecting every moment or clinging to false hope, and instead embrace reality and focus on healing. This approach provides a solid foundation for practical, actionable steps toward recovery.

The book likens getting over a breakup to overcoming an addiction, emphasizing the importance of going through "withdrawal" to truly heal. Its blunt, often humorous tone makes it ideal for those who are ready to take action – even if their emotions are still catching up.

#2 – This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

Heidi Priebe’s This Is Me Letting You Go offers a thoughtful approach to navigating the aftermath of a breakup, one that is in complete contrast to It’s Called a Breakup. Instead of simply urging you to "move on," the book encourages deep self-reflection, using the end of a relationship as a chance to rediscover yourself and build self-love. Packed with exercises and reflection prompts, the book helps you identify relationship patterns, attachment styles, and codependency, and, thereby, uncover the roots of your emotional experiences.

These insights not only support personal growth but also lay the groundwork for creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

#3 – Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott.

Susan J. Elliott’s Getting Past Your Breakup offers a straightforward and actionable guide for navigating the aftermath of a relationship. It’s not just about getting over someone – it’s about truly healing and building a stronger version of yourself.

At the heart of the book is something that is very near and dear to my heart, and the key to getting through a break up: the "no contact" rule. Cutting off communication with your ex might feel extreme or even painful at first, but it’s a necessary step to allow your emotions to settle and begin the healing process. Staying in touch can keep old wounds open, making it harder to move forward.

Elliott is not afraid to call out behaviors that might be holding you back – whether it’s clinging to unrealistic expectations or falling into self-destructive cycles. She delivers her message with a balance of empathy and honesty helps readers face hard truths while feeling supported.

"Part of moving on is about learning to love yourself, possibly for the first time. If you learn to truly enjoy your own company, you will be far less likely to choose bad relationships just for the sake of being in one." – Susan J. Elliott [2]

#4 – The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart takes a totally different approach to navigating heartbreak – instead of urging readers to "move on" or distract themselves, Piver encourages embracing the pain as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

What sets this book apart is its focus on leaning into the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Piver understands that the end of a relationship can bring overwhelming emotional devastation. Rather than offering quick fixes or distractions, she suggests sitting with the pain and allowing it to fuel meaningful transformation. By sharing her own experiences with heartbreak she inspires her reader to take action.

#5 – Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

When this book was first published, and was an international sensation, I refused to read it – because everyone else was doing it. And then, because I was desperate, I read it and it changed the trajectory of my life.

Eat, Pray, Love captures the author’s deeply personal journey of rediscovery and healing following a painful divorce.

The book chronicles a transformative year in Gilbert’s life as she travels to three countries: Italy, where she indulges in the simple joys of food and pleasure; India ,where she dives into spirituality and self-reflection; and Indonesia, where she seeks balance and connection, and finds love.

By telling her story, Gilbert shows how rebuilding a relationship with yourself often requires stepping into the unknown and embracing discomfort. She also clearly demonstrates that stepping outside of one’s comfort zones can inspire personal growth and healing.

#6 – The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

Susan Anderson’s The Journey from Abandonment to Healing takes a deep and empathetic dive into the emotional wreckage of heartbreak. As a psychotherapist with expertise in abandonment recovery, Anderson argues that all breakups through five stages: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, and lifting.

Anderson explains the science behind why heartbreak can feel like a physical wound and why the aftermath might resemble withdrawal symptoms. Recognizing that these intense reactions have a biochemical basis can bring a sense of relief during those overwhelming moments.

She also encourages her readers to break free from what she calls "protest mode" – that exhausting cycle of resisting reality, clinging to what’s lost, and being consumed by anger and longing – and to embrace acceptance by acknowledging their emotions and taking steps to move forward.

The book includes practical exercises aimed at managing pain and cultivating self-compassion, offering readers actionable tools to navigate their healing journey.

One reader, Toni Kohn, shared how the book profoundly impacted her during a difficult time:

"As an abandonment survivor, I recommend Susan’s work to those in the thick of despair. In the days I was at my worst, I remember reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it was the first time I felt understood, less alone, and with a road map out of the depths of despair. I am forever grateful and continue to follow her work."

  • Toni Kohn [3]

# 7 – The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Russ Harris’s The Happiness Trap, using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), helps one work through tough emotions instead of fighting against them and offers practical tools to help manage emotional challenges effectively [7].

Harris argues that trying to suppress or escape negative feelings often makes things worse. After a breakup, it’s normal to feel sadness, anger, or anxiety – but the real issue arises when you resist these emotions or expect them to disappear instantly.

Russ suggest 5 key strategies to handle these emotions:

  • Defusion: This involves stepping back from negative thoughts. For example, instead of believing "I’m not good enough,” try reframing it as "I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough." This subtle shift can reduce the emotional weight of the thought [6]
  • Acceptance: Rather than pushing away uncomfortable feelings, feel them. Acknowledge that pain is part of being human, and much of our suffering comes from resisting what we feel [6]
  • Mindfulness: Staying present can stop the cycle of obsessing over the past or worrying about the future. [6]
  • Clarifying Your Values: Think about what truly matters to you beyond your relationship. Questions like "What kind of person do I want to be?" or "What do I stand for?" can help you identify your core values. [6]
  • Committed Action: Even if you’re feeling unmotivated, taking small, values-driven steps can create momentum. These actions, no matter how minor, help you align your life with what matters most [6].

While Harris’s method can not erase the pain of heartbreak, he offers tools to help you carry it more lightly. By embracing these techniques, you can turn emotional struggles into opportunities to build a life centered on your values and personal growth.

#8 – Feeling Good by David D. Burns

In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David D. Burns outlines how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can serve to dismantle negative thinking, something that, after a break up, can amplify emotional pain and make it harder to move forward.

One standout chapter, "Love Addiction," explores how distorted beliefs about rejection can trap you in cycles of hopelessness. By identifying these patterns, you can begin to see how your perspective on rejection might be holding you back from healing.

Although Feeling Good isn’t specifically about recovering from heartbreak, its CBT-based strategies offer valuable tools for breaking free from negative thought loops can play a key role in finding emotional balance after a breakup.

9. Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Rising Strong dives into the art of recovering from setbacks and building resilience through a straightforward three-step process: reckoning, rumble, and revolution.

In the reckoning phase, Brown encourages readers to identify their emotional triggers and observe their feelings without trying to suppress them. After all, recognizing and understanding your emotions is the first step toward healing.

The rumble phase is all about untangling the self-defeating stories we tell ourselves after a breakup and challenging those limiting beliefs and rewriting the story you tell yourself.

Finally, the revolution phase focuses on using the pain you’ve experienced to build emotional strength and authenticity in future relationships. It’s not about erasing the past or pretending the relationship didn’t matter but instead it’s about taking what you’ve learned and applying it to how you live and love moving forward.

The key to Brown’s perspective is her emphasis on vulnerability, something that reframes it as a source of strength rather than weakness, emphasizing that the willingness to risk being hurt again is essential for forming deep, meaningful connections.

Sometimes finding just the right book can help you get through your breakup and out the other side, even better than you were before.

Each of these titles offer a wealth of wisdom, each providing a unique approach to healing, ensuring there’s something for everyone, no matter where you are in your journey.

Related Blog Posts

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

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A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

heal after heartbreak

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

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7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

I always tell people that the best way to get over an ex is to go “no contact” – specifically to block them on their phone so that they can’t get in touch. After all, if you aren’t in contact with your ex, the toxic cycle that has led to the break up will be stopped in its tracks, the pain will fade and life will go on.

Interestingly, when I suggest this to men, they see it’s value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest that a woman block her ex I am immediately met with push back, most specifically with the phrase “that seems awfully harsh.”

After talking to a client who has repeatedly refused to block a series of exes, no matter how toxic they are, I decided to dig into what experts say about why women make choices that self-sabotage, namely not blocking their ex. I thought that understanding it might help me help women overcome their hesitation and do the very thing that will allow them to move on and find the love they seek.

#1 – Our brains will choose pleasure over pain every time.

According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason for this is because of two parts of the brain that have an uneasy co-existence.

Every brain has two sides – the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision making is done with our emotions and based on that which gives us pleasure, conveniently ignoring the conscious brain that knows better. As a result, we make illogical choices that might not be in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical which fuels doubt and fear which, in turn, leads us to create stories that justify our inability to make change.

When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something that keeps her from doing what she intellectually knows is best for her.

#2 – We struggle with feelings of self-worth.

According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, “The only way you know you love yourself…is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.” Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low-self esteem.

It is just this feeling of being a failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place, why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing for us now?

And so we default to the thing the gives us pleasure in the moment – being on the other side of the phone should our ex decide to contact us, even if we know, deep down, that we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth by doing so.

#3 – We always put the needs of others first.

Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender and that it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is one that is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.

Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a break up, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” in spite of the fact that every time she heard from him it was like a dagger to her heart.

women can't block their ex

#4 – Overcoming ambivalence is hard to do.

If there is one thing that it is innately human, its the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision we, both consciously and unconsciously, weigh the costs vs the benefits – to get what we want, what must we sacrifice to do so.

When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant – letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, an end to the pain – the cost are significant too – shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently. The trade off, unfortunately, isn’t crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible.

And so, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.

#5 – We are addicted to the text alert.

I always say that letting go of a relationship, especially one that is toxic or involves a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. And one’s cell phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors, making them harder to let go of.

According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin, all feel good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.

One way that those feel good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long and that woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows that she is forever letting go of that wonderful feeling that she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.

#6 – Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us.

I know that my clients all know that blocking their exes is the right thing to do, that it will ultimately help them move on. Unfortunately, those same clients tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about themselves and their lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.

According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think that these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions that we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.

When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize – going directly to the worse case scenario if they block them, perhaps that they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because because they don’t him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them that they just can’t do it.

And so they don’t.

#7 – Our happiness depends on the happiness of others.

I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our own happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.

Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told that the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will FEEL if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?

As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel and worry about not being able to help them and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier that he can reach her but only at her expense.

Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship.

By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.

Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, that it could be because of a negative thought patterns or low self-esteem or a form of addiction, perhaps she can recognize that she doesn’t stay because of some love for him but perhaps something else that she struggles with.

Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles which could, in turn, give her happy ending.

9 Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

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9  Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

Are you in the heartbreaking position of knowing that you need to break up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you? Do you know that you need to do it but are finding it impossible to do so?

I totally get it – I have been there. Everyone has been there. After all, for so many reasons, breaking up is hard to do!

But why is breaking up so hard? After all, you know that they aren’t the person for you and yet you can’t let them go. The reasons are complex. Understanding those reasons might help you step up and do what has to be done, namely letting someone who isn’t the right person for you go, for both of your sakes.

To that end, here are 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

#1 – Because of how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Were things with you and your partner wonderful in the beginning? Do you hold on to the memories of your initial meeting, when you talked into the night? Do remember the passionate sex? Do you think about the magic and the romance, the dreams about the future, the satisfaction that you knew that you had finally found your person?

All of those things are hard to let go of.

For many of my clients, one of the reasons that they find that they can’t break up with their partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. They believe that if they just hold on long enough, they will find that spark again and it will carry them forward.

Unfortunately, in any relationship, it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the spark of an early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that spark will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, that spark will be extinguished forever, never to return.

So, if you find that you are having a hard time breaking up with your person, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.

#2 – Because you truly believe that your love can change them.

Are you one of those people who likes to take care of other people? Is this especially true when you are in a relationship? Do you believe that if you only love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?

This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. Because of this, his insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I only loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself.

That boyfriend is now an ex.

If you are not breaking up with your person, even though you know you should, because you believe that with effort you can fix everything, just know you can’t. All the love in the world won’t change another person’s behavior unless they want to change. And if you’re one of those people who believes that they are not a quitter, and therefore won’t leave a relationship, know that you’re being willing to quit will only lead to more unhappiness because you can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!

#3 – Because you don’t want to cause anyone pain.

Nobody wants to cause anyone pain. Nobody. After all, why would we want to inflict pain on someone who we once loved and probably do still care about?

And I get this. But I always ask people if their person is in pain right now. Is their person unhappy because the relationship is struggling? Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with what is happening. Perhaps they are feeling hopeless about the future because of the relationship. Would you really be causing them more pain by ending the relationship?

One thing that I see over and over in relationships is that someone doesn’t break up with someone but instead slowly pulls away, giving their person less and less until they are truly just breadcrumbing them. Because of their fear of hurting their person, they hope that if they give their person less, their person will break up with them, making it so that they aren’t the cause of any pain.

The truth of this course of action, unfortunately, is only more pain. Instead of having the intense pain of a Band-Aid ripped off by a break up, with the breadcrumbing, it is being taken off slowly, which makes the pain worse.

So if you’re afraid of causing your person pain, know that, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your pain.

#4 – Because your friends and family like them.

I have one client who really didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because of how attached he was to their family. He was distant from his family and his girlfriend’s family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.

And, he didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to let his family down or to lose them. And so he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. And, because he drew it all out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not healthy one and he had to let it go completely.

Are you staying with your partner because your friends tell you that he’s wonderful? Or that your mom is so excited that you finally found the one? If you hold on to what they say, you’re only going extend your misery. After all neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand just what are the dynamics.

#5 – Because you are afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

I would say that, for everyone, they hesitate to break up because they are worried that they will never love or be loved again. They feel like they have a bird in hand, someone who they could build a life with, even if the love isn’t what they had hoped it would be. So they stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And they are miserable.

Know that the only way that you will never love or be loved again is if you stay in this relationship. Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are way more likely to find one where you can receive the love that you want. And letting go of someone who you can’t love completely is the best gift that you can give them because it will give them the opportunity to find true love as well.

#6 – Because you are trauma bonded to them.

Many people who stay in relationships that aren’t working do so because they are trauma bonded to their person, that they stay with their person not because of love but of some kind of shared trauma that keeps them together.

Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening. Signs of trauma bonding are a need for constant verbal affirmation, a partner manipulating you into doing what they want, an uneven power dynamic, and history constantly repeating itself.

Often times, people who are in relationships that display these signs, become bonded to their partner not because of love but because of toxicity, something that can be very hard to recognize.

So, ask yourself what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is not a healthy one.

#7 – Because you are reliant on them for support.

One of the reasons why breaking up is never easy is because, often times, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we can become reliant on our partner. That we need them to support us in order to live our lives.

What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it’s financial support, with your partner helping you pay your rent or your tuition. Sometimes it’s emotional; you find that you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes it’s just that you enjoy having someone around the house to help you with the chores and the kids.

Whatever kind of support that you get from your partner, know that you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years that you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your break up is complete.

#8 – Because you don’t want to start dating again.

I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don’t have to.

But that’s no reason to stay with someone.

If you are staying with someone because you don’t want to date again, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person who you’re meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can date. You have done so before. And you can do so again.

Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can’t do it!

breaking up is never easy#9 – Because hope never dies.

One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.

I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes and, if until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope that they will survive. I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain wants to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Are you hoping that if you just hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, or can give your partner more, or if they can change, that you can live happily ever after? If yes, know that what you are believing could just be hope and not based in any sort of reality.

Heartbreaking I know, but true.

So there you go, 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

I know that you don’t want to do this. I know that the prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go of your person.

But, hopefully, having an understanding that why you might be having a hard time breaking up with someone is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons that are way more complex.

I know you can do this. I know you can break up with this person, to free you both up to find love and happiness. Go for it!

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

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9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong.  You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

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