If there is a common thread between many of my clients it’s that they find it hard to be independent in a relationship and, as a result, their relationships are struggling and they reach out to me.

At the beginning of any relationship, we are our own person. We have friends, hobbies, family etc. Once we get into a relationship, things change. We have a partner, one we want to spend all of our time with (especially if we have an insecure attachment style) and we often lose ourselves in them.

And this, I am afraid, can be a death knell for any relationship.

How do you be independent in a relationship? Let me share!

#1 – Be who you really are.

This is the key to a healthy relationship and one of independence “From the very beginning, be who you are.

I have a client who is never herself when she gets into a relationship. She is an incredibly anxious person and she has a very strong insecure attachment style. The men she is dating would never know it with how chill she acts. Unfortunately, once they fall in love with her, her true manners come out and they are left confused, wondering where is the person they fell in love with

If you aren’t yourself in a relationship, you are going to find yourself needing more and more connection in it because you don’t feel good about yourself and need validation from your partner. This will only take away from being independent in a relationship which could lead to the end of the relationship.

#2 – Don’t drop your friends.

You need your friends. I promise you. You need your friends, especially if things go awry in your relationship.

Often times, the first thing to go in a relationship are friendships. It’s not something that is done consciously it’s just the more time we spend with our partners, the less time we have with our friends. And our friends are generally okay with that as they have relationships of their own.

In the long run, however, letting go of your friends will only lead you to being less independent in your relationship because you no longer have anyone else to play with. So, you spend all of your time with your partner, often, perhaps, doing what they want to do.

#3 – Don’t do only what they want to do.

This is another important part of maintaining your independence in a relationship “Don’t always do what your partner wants to do.

Of course, it is okay to do some things that your partner wants to do. After all, sharing experiences is part of any healthy relationship. But, if you find yourself only doing things that they want to do or repeatedly doing things with them that you hate, you are going to be miserable.

A strong independent woman sets boundaries around activities and makes sure that she does want she wants to do and that her partner do them with her.

#4 – Set individual goals.

This is a key part to maintaining your independence in a relationship making sure that you have set goals for yourself, goals outside of your relationship.

Whether it’s goals around work, exercise, eating right, time with friends and family or fabulous places you want to travel, having something that you want to do that is just yours can give you a lot of confidence. And having more confidence in yourself will make you have a less anxious attachment style which is good for any relationship.

Of course, set goals as a couple too but make sure that you have a few of your own.

#5 – Stand up for yourself.

In any relationship, it is key that you present yourself as a strong, independent woman and that you do not let your partner walk all over you.

I have a client who is struggling in her relationship right now. Her partner isn’t happy with the level of attachment she has to him because it is a burden while he is trying to care for his girls. He had talked about taking a break and thinking things through. Instead of stepping up and advocating for herself and what she wanted, she sat there, frustrated and unengaged, and waited for him to make the call.

That frustrated him even more, because she was being passive aggressive, he felt, so he ultimately called for the break, upsetting my client in a big way.

#6 – Take time for yourself regularly.

I have a client who has one day a week that is her day. She and her husband have agreed that it is key to keeping her happy and satisified in their relationship and in her life.

She makes self care a priority, taking a walk or getting a body treatment. She takes time to write in her journal or read a good book. She spends time with friends. And, at the end of her day, her batteries are recharged. She is a better partner, less needy and presents herself as a confident woman, the one she knows she is her own person.

#7 – Keep your money separate.

I know that this one might seem weird, but I believe that keeping your money separate gives one an independence that they wouldn’t get if their money is combined.

Back in the day, my sister didn’t mingle her money when she married her husband. I thought she was crazy because how could she be in a healthy marriage if she wasn’t willing to share. What I saw over the years was that money gave her some independence. She was able to buy what she wanted and her partner wasn’t able to use her money in a way that caused conflict.

And, when they got divorced, dividing the money wasn’t an issue because it was all hers.

#8 ““ Take care of yourself.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a woman who will never be independent. Why? Because when we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t feel good about ourselves and when we don’t feel good about ourselves we turn to our partner for validation, because we can’t do it ourselves.

I am not saying get a gym membership and go on a diet. I am talking about taking walks, getting enough sleep, eating well, spending time with friends and family. Whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself you will be a better partner in your relationship.

#9 – Don’t rely on them for support.

I have a friend who, a few years back, was really struggling in her life. She had tried to commit suicide and was consumed with drinking and drugs. But, my friend is a tough woman and, with work, she got out of it. She got better and got married.

Unfortunately, a few years later she started having a tough time again and tried to commit suicide. This time, because she had her husband, she didn’t turn to herself to do the work she turned to him. And, what did that do? It only made things worse when her husband couldn’t support her in the way she needed him to.

Ultimately, they got divorced and she pulled herself together.

So, if you want to be independent in your relationship, make sure that you don’t rely on your partner for support but maintain your ability to take care of yourself if needs be.

Being independent in a relationship is a very attractive thing for people.

Knowing that your person loves and needs you but isn’t dependent on you for your care and validation is something that makes a relationship stronger.

So, even if you aren’t independent now, make an effort to be so going forward. Even if you can only do one or two things that I listed above, you will be on your way to being so and showing your partner, and yourself, that you can live well without them. If you know this, you will be much happier in your relationship, and your life!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

Marriage is hard. Very hard. And unfortunately, there are times when it can involve lots of yelling.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have a calm, rational conversation about an issue, and often they can. But, sometimes, they lose control of their emotions, and they yell.

And, for many people, being yelled at is something that shuts them down.

In my work with clients, I have many men who just don’t know what to do when their wives yell at them. They feel like their reactions, or lack of, can make things worse and they just don’t know what to do.

I know that, for my husband, when I yell (which is rare) he says that his mind just shuts down. It’s blank. He has no idea what to do. I had no idea that this happened and when he told me it gave me a ton of information to share with my clients, men and women.

To that end, I thought I would share with you today the 5 do’s and don’ts that I tell my male clients when they say, ‘my wife yells at me, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Maybe these tips will help you get through these experiences in a productive way and might help prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

Do: Let her vent.

When your wife yells at you, she has lost control of her emotions. Chances are that she is yelling because she has a lot of pent-up issues, and, for some reason, feelings about them have erupted.

The best thing to do when she needs to vent is to let her do it. She needs to get it out of her system, her frustrations, and when she does, she might be able to express what she is feeling in a calmer, more rational manner.

Don’t: Walk away.

I know – it’s really hard when your wife yells at you. It’s really hard when anyone yells at you. And the temptation to walk away is huge.

But, if you walk away, you will do two things. The first is to anger her more, which will involve more, even louder, yelling. The other is that you will kick whatever the issue is down the road which, will, most likely lead, you to say ‘My wife yelled at me’ again soon.

So, do your best to stand your ground and listen to your wife as she yells at you. I know that it might take superhuman powers to do it. But, if you can, it will pay off in spades.

Do: Listen to her words.

I know that it might be difficult but, if you can, try to listen to the words that your wife is telling you. Yes, there might be a lot of very emotional, maybe unreasonable, things coming out of her mouth but hidden in there is the issue that she is upset about.

Why would you listen to the words of someone who is yelling at you, who is making you so uncomfortable by doing so, who is making you feel attacked? Because if you can try to understand what her issue is, when she is done venting, you might be able to address what she is so upset about.

Don’t: Shut her out or ignore her.

When my male clients say, ‘My wife yells at me all the time,’ I ask them what they do when she does. More often than not, my clients just don’t pay attention.

They might turn their back on her, focusing on another task. They might walk out of the room, not letting her express herself. They might look at their phone, ignoring her, waiting for the venting to be over.

This is pretty much the worst thing that you can do if your wife is yelling at you.

If your wife if yelling at you, pay attention. Again, you might have to be strong and block out the vitriol but, if she knows that you are listening, she will most likely calm down quicker.

Do: Stay calm

I know. I am asking you to stay really calm while your wife yells at you. Three times now, I have asked you.

For many people, two things happen when we are yelled at. First, we want to cut and run, to save ourselves from the pain of the yelling. The second is that we want to jump into the fray and start yelling ourselves.

We want to push back on the words that they are saying. We don’t listen to what they are trying to communicate but just focus on whatever we are going to say next. Our heart rate gets elevated and our instincts to protect ourselves kick in and we fight back.

And this, I am sure, if your wife yells at you, is not productive.

Don’t: Don’t yell back.

The next step to staying calm in the face of your wife yelling at you is to try as hard as you can to not yell back. I know that it might seem impossible, but if you can do it, it will go a long way toward the yelling being over and a possible discussion happening.

Many of my male clients really struggle with this. When they feel attacked, it is the male instinct to fight back and protect themselves. When someone they love attacks them, it is even worse.

They lose control of their emotions and raise their voice along with their wife. And this, I am afraid, willing only make the yelling escalate and lead down the road to nothing productive.

Do: Try to understand where she is coming from.

If you listen to your wife’s words, you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from. The yelling is coming from somewhere – the key is figuring out where.

Sometimes, when we are on the other side of someone’s vitriol, we assume that, whatever they are yelling about is all about us. But, often, that isn’t the case.

Think about the times that your wife has yelled at you in the past. Has it always been about something that you have done? Or perhaps, maybe it’s about something else?

I know that, when I used to yell at my husband, is was often because of something else. Perhaps I was trying to cook dinner and the kids were being difficult, and his mother was calling and the dogs needed to be fed. He would walk in the door and ruffle through the mail pile, leaving it a mess, something that he did all the time which drove me crazy.

And, while the ruffling through the mail pile was something that I didn’t like, I generally didn’t address it. But, when things were chaotic, and I was frustrated, him doing that small action set me off.

I would yell at him for doing that and he would be bewildered at what he had done in the 30 seconds that he had been home which would make me so angry.

In fact, it really wasn’t him but it was what was going on around me.

So, know that understanding where your wife is coming from might help you manage it, and your emotions around it, so as not to escalate what was happening.

Don’t: Tell her that she is wrong.

Telling your wife that she is wrong in the middle of her yelling you will only get your head bitten off. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, especially a wife who is really angry with her husband.

Of course, you might think her wrong, and she very well could know that she is wrong, but telling her would be like prodding a tiger with a stick. She will only roar back at you, yelling loader, being more vicious.

When the fighting is done, you might be able to discuss what is happening, and she will see the error of her ways but, in the middle of it all, keep quiet. And calm.

Easier said than done, I know.

Do: Ask her what she needs from you.

Once her emotions are spent and she is no longer yelling at you, ask your wife what it is she needs from you.

Does she need some space to calm down after the yelling? Does she want to talk to you about what is going on. Does she need a hug? What is it that you can do to segue into the next part of this event.

I know that you probably aren’t feeling very loving towards your wife after she yells at you but the best way to prevent the yelling in the future is to act in a way now that is loving and supportive.

Don’t: Belittle her.

I have many clients who make the mistake of belittling their wives when they are yelling at them. They tell them that they are being ridiculous. They might perhaps mimic in a condescending way what their wife is saying. They might tell them that they are acting like a child.

Don’t do this. Again, I know that it’s difficult, but belittling someone who is already angry isn’t going to calm things down. It will only make the person doing the yelling feel that her actions are justified because you are, in fact, being a jerk.

In summary, knowing the 5 dos and 5 don’ts when you say to yourself, ‘my wife is yelling at me and I have no idea what to do.’

No one likes to be yelled at, ever. But there are ways to manage your wife’s emotions in the moment and maybe prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

All of this being said, know that if your wife’s yelling is escalating in frequency or noise levels, this is not ok. Yelling can be a form of emotional abuse that might need to be addressed. This article will tell you more about verbal abuse and what you can do to manage it.

If you find that the yelling is affecting your mental health, perhaps it will be time to get some help. Whether it’s talking to your health care professional about your options or trying to get you both into marriage counseling, if your wife’s yelling is only getting worse, it’s time to take action.

After all, taking care of yourself and your mental health is the yell to staying healthy through this challenging time and will keep you strong in the future should your wife yell at you again!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

Knowing what to say to a friend going through a breakup can be very difficult sometimes.

Why? Because we want to support our friend and help them heal but we also want to let them know they got off easy. That, if their ex didn’t want them, good riddance.

We also might mistakenly assume that our friend wants what we would want and so we sometimes give them that and it all backfires.

There is a fine balancing act to getting what to say straight and good for you for trying to figure out how to do so so that you don’t make their pain worse.

Here are 18 things to say to a friend going through a break up.

#1 – This is not your fault.

If someone is willing to bear the responsibility of something that goes wrong, the person who has done the wrong will be willing to put it on them, thereby becoming the victim.

Remind your friend that this isn’t on them – that their ex created this situation – and that they don’t need to apologize to anyone.

#2 – You have every right to feel the way you feel.

In much of our society, emotions are taboo. We are encouraged to ‘tough it out’ or ‘suck it up.’

We definitely shouldn’t do that after a break up. Letting out emotions, whether it is anger, grief, sadness, or disbelief, is the first step to healing.

#3 – It’s ok to cry.

Crying is often looked at as a sign of weakness. How many times have you apologized to someone for crying?

Well, tell your friend to cry away. It will help them get their emotions out and will also signal to others that they are sad so they will be treated accordingly!

#4 – I am here for you.

Many people who have just been broken up with are feeling very alone. Their person is gone. Knowing that you are there for them might be exactly what they need.

#5 – Do you need me to leave?

Conversely, sometimes people just want to mourn alone, at least at the beginning. Ask your friend if they want you to stay or to go.

#6 – Just take it one day at a time.

One of the things that sabotage healing is looking too far into the future.

To think that they will always be this miserable, this alone. This hopeless.

One thing to say to a friend who is going through a breakup is to look just as far as tomorrow, instead of months down the road. Doing so makes it much easier to manage fears about what the future looks like.

#7 – Let’s eat ice cream and watch Netflix.

When my daughter was 15, she came downstairs and told me that her friend had her heart broken. She asked me what to do. I told her to tell her friend to have some ice cream.

My daughter, who had never herself had a heartbreak, said that she had already done that.

Ice cream – the ultimate comfort food. Pair it with Netflix, and it will be just what the doctor ordered.

#8 – What do you need from me?

As I said above, we often want to give people what we know that we would want in this situation. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work because we are all different people.

Ask your friend what you can do for them. They might not know in the moment, but knowing that you are there and that you are offering to help will give them space to let you know when they do.

#9 – You are not un-loveable.

When we are broken up with, let go by someone who says they loved us, it only leads to us believing that we are un-loveable. That we will never love or be loved again because of something that is wrong with us.

Remind them that this just isn’t true. And that their ex just couldn’t see how loveable they are.

#10 – You are a rock star.

At the same time that you are reminding them that they aren’t un-loveable, remind them about how awesome they are. That they were awesome before the relationship and that they are still awesome now that it is over.

#11 – Let’s take a day off from social media.

Chances are good that if your friend is going through a break-up, they are spending a ton of time on social media, stalking their ex.

And this is the number one worse thing that they should do.

Suggest a mini vacation from social media. Give that itch that they want to scratch a chance to fade.

#12 – Let it all out.

Many of us just want to hold it all in. To not let those emotions that we are feeling out into the world. And that just doesn’t help with healing.

Encourage your person to laugh or scream or cry or punch a pillow. Whatever they need to do to let their feelings out, to prevent them from getting trapped in their body where those emotions will only fester and cause more damage.

#13- The pain will get pass.

This can be very hard for someone who is in so much pain to believe – that there will be a time that they will no longer feel it.

I would encourage you to remind your person that that day will come, and that it will come quicker than it would have if they had stayed in the relationship, feeling pain every day.

#14 – You deserve better.

This is something that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup a bit down the road in their healing – that they deserve better than their loser ex.

The reason that you say it down the road, and not right after the break-up, is because if you say it at the beginning of the healing process, they won’t believe you, and that might make them mad and maybe even push you away.

#15 – Let’s do something new.

In relationships, we tend to get stuck in patterns, doing ‘couple things.’

When we are broken up with, those patterns get broken. We are left sad on Sunday with no brunch or dinners on Friday or Christmases skiing.

One thing that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup is to try something new. On Sunday mornings – perhaps a morning hike or an early girlfriend breakfast. On Friday nights, pizza and a movie – something that will fill the empty space.

#16 – Is it time for a rebound?

This is definitely not something that you say right away because, once again, doing so might backfire.

But, when the time is right, encourage your person to get back out there. They don’t need to find a relationship, but a little rebound sex might be just the ticket.

#17 – Have hope.

When we are in the middle of a crisis, one born of a breakup especially, it’s really hard to have hope for the future. From where we sit, we can only see misery and loneliness.

But you know the truth. You know that your friend is going to be okay and that they will find love again, so tell them.

I always tell my friends that I am ‘holding space’ for them. That they might not believe but that I do!

#18 – You have survived a break up before, you will again!

I am guessing that your friend has been through heartache before, heartache that they didn’t believe, at the time, they would ever recover from. But they did and they will again. Remind them!

So, there you go, 18 things to say to a friend going through a breakup.

I would encourage you to start at the beginning of my list and work your way down. Saying some things too early could very well be counterproductive.

And remember, even if you sometimes feel like your friend doesn’t appreciate you or your efforts, know that they do, they just might not be able to say it right now.

So, go forth and support your friend. You will be glad you did!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

5 Super Effective Ways To Stop Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

Did you know that stalking your ex on social media is the number one thing that will prevent you from getting over them?

Why? Because going ‘no contact ‘is the thing that we need to do to move on. Stalking does not lead to ‘no contact’.

In the old days, when we broke up with someone, life went on. Maybe we ran into them occasionally and we tried to get info from their friends about their new lives but, really, we had no idea what their lives post-us was like.

This lack of information helped us move on, to get over the pain and find new love again.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen anymore. When we break up, social media is something that we use, and use often, to check up on our exes.

We look online to see if they look happy. To see if they look like they are having fun without us. To see if they are with someone new. We just want a little taste of this person who we once loved.

But this is not ok. It only prevents us from moving forward.

To that end, here are 5 very effective ways to stop stalking your ex on social media so that you can actually recover from this break up and move on to find new love again!

#1 – Block them.

This is the most important and most obvious way to stop yourself from stalking your ex on social media.

I always advise my clients to cut off all communication with their ex. This means blocking their contact information and any connection they have on social media.

Why? Because every contact you have with an ex takes you back to day one of your healing process. Getting over a break up is a matter of time and the longer you aren’t in contact with them, the better it is.

But its hard to understand this when you are freshly broken up with and you want to do anything to ease the pain. Therefore, the desire to stalk them is almost irresistible.

And most of us have a difficult time resisting temptation.

So, I would encourage you to block your ex everywhere. To unfollow them on Insta, unfriend them on Facebook and do whatever you have to do to disconnect on TikTok and Twitter.

I know its hard to do –  most of my clients just can’t –  at least not right away. But, if you can dig deep and find the strength to cut them off, know that you are one big step closer to getting over the break up and moving on!

#2 – Limit your time online.

Do you look at your phone first thing when you get out of bed in the morning? Do you scroll during coffee? And then again when you are on the train? And then again at lunch, before you go to the gym, as you have a glass of wine at night, maybe even into the wee hours, not getting the sleep you need?

You are not alone. As we all know, most people are online for a significant part of the day.

I would encourage you, if you want to stop stalking your ex on social media, to stop being on your phone so much.

The first step to doing this is to stop picking up your phone first thing in the morning. When you do, you set off a dopamine rush in your brain, getting it primed for wanting more during the day. And so you will be on your phone constantly, feeding that need.

Instead of rolling over and picking up your phone, get out of bed and do something else.

Another way to limit time on your phone is to schedule other things to do instead.

Perhaps you get a good book to read on the train. Have lunch with a friend. Spend more time at the gym. Whatever you need to do to keep you away from your phone, focused on other things, not stalking your ex.

#3 – Find other topics to dig into.

If you can’t limit time on your phone, I would encourage you to find other topics than your ex to dig into. Other things that can release that dopamine without needing to get it from stalking your ex.

What interests you? Celebrity life? Reality TV? Cooking? Gardening? Search for interesting posts about these topics instead of your ex.

Even better, find something to dig into that you have never dug into before.

I know that, during a break up, I dug into traveling. I spent hours online looking at places I wanted to travel and figuring out how to get there. It was incredibly diverting and kept my mind off my ex.

Even better, my scrolling led me to trips to Peru, the Grand Canyon, Mexico, and beyond. I can promise you that those trips helped me get past my ex in a big way.

Of course, if you are on your phone it might be hard not to toggle away and look at what your ex is up to but, with the more diverting topic, hopefully that won’t be something you even think of doing.

#4 – Recognize how you feel when you see things.

I have a client who just can’t stop stalking her ex on social media. She spends hours each day, trying to trace his steps, to see what he has been doing, to gather every piece of information that she can about him.

She can’t help herself and it is making her miserable.

Why? Because every time she finds out something about him or sees a picture of him, it makes her feel pain.

She feels the pain of loss, of being left behind, of not being good enough, of being so pathetic that she is even stalking.

She stalks because she believes that it will help her ease her pain but it actually makes it worse.

I have an ex who I unfriended 6 years ago when we broke up. I almost never think of him. A few weeks back, a friend forwarded a photo of him and his new girlfriend, figuring that it wouldn’t bother me anymore.

Well, it did. The pain that I felt seeing that photo, even after 6 years and me being newly engaged, was horrible. I spent most of the day thinking about him and everything that went wrong in the relationship. It was not good.

So, how do you feel when you find some information about your ex on social media?

I am guessing not very good!

#5- Get yourself some digital help.

Sometimes we just have to fight technology with technology.

We so want to be able to control our behaviors but our phones and their apps are incredibly addicting. Staying away from them can be as hard as giving up ice cream or beer.

The easiest way to stay away from ice cream and beer is to not have access to them. So too, if you can’t stay away from it, not having access to your phone is key to doing so.

There are some apps that you can get, such as Bark and Freedom, that will help you block your apps for a period of time so that you don’t get lured by the call of your phone to stalk.

You can also get a phone safe where you can store your phone so its not easy to reach. Many of them have timers. You set how long you want your phone to be inaccessible and until the alarm goes off, you won’t be able to open the safe.

Again, we are super addicted to our phones and, ironically, as a result, technology is advancing that will help us break that addiction.

Find something that works for you because stalking your ex on social media is only holding you back from the happiness that you desire.

I hope that you now have a sense of what you can do to stop stalking your ex on social media.

I know that you are in an incredibly amount of pain right now and that the idea of not being able to see your ex is more than you can bear.

But I am also guessing that the pain that you feel when you see them might even be worse.

So, block your ex wherever you need to. Limit your time online but, if you can’t do that, find other topics that interest you. Fill your days with things to do that will keep your phone in your pocket. Use technology to help keep you from doing this thing that is only holding you back.

Most importantly, try to take stock of how seeing them on social media makes you feel. I am guessing you feel nothing but pain, maybe even worse pain than the break-up pain.

Hopefully, if you recognize that stalking only makes you feel worse, you will ultimately stop doing so!

I know this seems hard, but you can do it!

I know you can!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com