Let Your Dreams Begin
  • Home
  • Work with Me
    • Free Session
    • Course
    • e-Book
    • Breakup Recovery
  • About Mitzi
  • Success Stories
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Search
  • Menu Menu

7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

February 9, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear that she isn’t the right one for them but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up.

While every relationship is different, they all carry some common denominators that apply to all of them – including it being hard to break up with someone, even if you know they aren’t the one for you.

Let me share why breaking up with someone is hard with you right now. Understanding the reasons why might clarify things for you so that you can take the next step.

#1 – You don’t want to cause her pain.

There isn’t a man in the world who isn’t concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause their woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only make things worse.

Be honest. Do you know that you should break up with your girlfriend but you don’t want to hurt her so, instead, you are pulling back a little bit. Are you not focusing the time and energy on her that you used to? Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant? Are you, perhaps, hoping that she will be the one who ultimately break up with you?  You are not alone. A LOT of men do this.

Let me tell you – doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, instead you are pulling it off gradually, dragging out the pain and making her suffer more. Ironic, no?

The reality is is that if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But the reality is is that she will get over it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who really loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.

#2 – The good times were really good times.

Even though are you are in a place where you want to break up with your girlfriend, I am sure that you and she have shared wonderful times together. And those things are hard to let go of.

I am guessing that you are thinking about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new and you shared so much of yourself. Or maybe you are remembering a vacation you took or that silly thing that she did that made everyone laugh at your birthday party. Perhaps you went through a difficult period of time and she was there for you, standing by your side. Perhaps you shared big hopes for the future that you don’t want to let go of.

And I get it – experiences are intense things that can really bind people to each other.

But, the reality is is that, while these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. And, even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship – namely that you don’t love her anymore.

So, while you have had some very special times with this person, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so that she can have new experiences with someone who really loves her.

#3 – You don’t want to have to start dating again… nor do you want her to.

So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person for them because they just don’t want to get back out there into the dating world. After all, the dating world is not always fun and its exhausting and the thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear.

Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy that you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy that you will have to spend building a new relationship.

And I get it. Its hard to throw away time invested in someone but the time that you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and its done. That time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone and know that any more time that you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.

And – I am guessing – that you probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing. You especially don’t want her to have sex with someone else.

Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with you.

#4 – You love that she takes care of you.

One of my male clients knows that it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her but she isn’t the one for him.

What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.

One thing about us women, we love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault. And many men really, really appreciate being taken care of.

I know that with my boyfriend, I do the laundry, I cook us dinner, I keep the house tidy, I plan our social life etc etc. I am not saying that I am his slave and that he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does do some of those things sometimes but, in general, its on me. And thats ok. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).

And, I am guessing that if it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself again. Probably not a very attractive proposition, I am guessing.

Are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she take such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again!

#5 – You like easy access to sex (be honest!).

You might be rolling your eyes at this one but I am guessing that, deep down, you know that what I am saying here is the truth – having a girlfriend means that you have easy access to sex. And that is something that its not easy to let go of.

Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing that you enjoy having sex with her. And that the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to fool around with you is not appealing.

For men, sex is very important and its not always as easy to get as they might like. A woman can walk out of her house and approach any man and most likely get him to have sex with her but men have to work a little bit harder. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.

Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the sex? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go. You will have sex again, maybe even sooner than you think. I promise.

#6 – You are worried about messing up your social life.

One of my male client was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.

My client is worried that it might be “weird.” He is worried that there will be drama and that people will have to take sides in the break up. He is worried that one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his posse of friends. He likes things the way that they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something that he wants to do.

And I totally get that. Our social lives are very important to us and a key part of living a great life. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.

Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.

hard to break up with your girlfriend

#7 – Your friends and family do love her.

This is a really tough one – if your friends and family love her, even if you aren’t feeling it.

I am guessing that if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. That she is a wonderful person and that you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up. And I am guessing that that is messing with your head.

On the other hand, perhaps her friends and family loves you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down.The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea. Your mom will be sad about your break up but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.

#8 – You just don’t want to deal with the drama.

Be honest – are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?

Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?

Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?

If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one then have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.

Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything that you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass.  Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.

#9 – Your lives are entangled.

The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer that couples are together the more their lives become entangled.

Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?

Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread? Does the idea of having to find a new place or deal with custody of kids or dogs or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?

Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.

But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated and more difficult to leave and before you know it you could be permanently stuck.

Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!

So there you go – 9 Reasons tt is so hard to break up with your girlfriend, even if you don’t love her.

I know that the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and its time to move on.

So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

February 5, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann


The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

January 5, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

If you are like many men, one of your resolutions might be to make your wife feel special in 2025. After all, another year has passed and perhaps you are thinking that its time to jumpstart your relationship with a little extra effort.

Good for you!

Luckily, making your wife feel special isn’t as hard as you might think it might be. Really, what we women want more than anything is for our partner our partner make us loved.

So, what are the ways to make your wife feel special?

#1 – Tell her that she looks beautiful and not only when she is dressed up.

I am sure that you are thinking that your wife knows that you think that she is beautiful but there isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t want to hear it. Unfortunately, after many years of marriage, spouses stop noticing each other in the ways that they used to and, as a result, they stop expressing their appreciation of their looks. While this might seem superficial, it is important and probably one piece of why she fell in love with you – your appreciation of her.

So, tell your wife that she looks beautiful.  You don’t need to wait until she is dressed up – any occasion will work. She might be suspicious at first if you haven’t done it for a while but be sincere and you will maker her feel a certain way.

#2 – If she has something to say, stop and listen to her.

Are you thinking that you always listen to what your wife says and that if you stop what you are doing you will she speaks will waste time because you can do two things at once? I get it but, I am afraid that I have bad news for you – men have an extremely hard time doing two things at once.

As a result, if they aren’t fully listening to what their wives are trying to tell them, it won’t sink in.

It is important that you listen to your wife about things, large and small. If she wants to talk to you about carpool, stop and listen. If she wants to talk to you about Christmas, stop and listen. If she wants to talk about how she is feeling, stop and listen.

If you stop and listen to your wife, there are two reasons that she will feel special. The first is that you will truly hear what she is saying and, therefore, she won’t have to say it again down the road. The second is that she can trust that you believe that what she is saying is important to you. If a woman knows that someone is half listening to her, she feels disrespected and less than. Knowing that you are giving her your full attention will make her feel loved and appreciated.

#3 – Surprise her with something that she likes but not something that you do.

Men often have the best of intentions when it comes to making their wives feel special. And sometimes they just fall short.

Many of my men clients tell me that they try to set up things to do with their wives but that their wives don’t appreciate what their efforts and tell them so. And, while they might appreciate the effort, the inappropriate choice of an activity often leads the wives to believe that their husbands don’t truly know who they are.

When a man plans a night out going to an action movie, a romantic movie lover will feel unseen. When a man plans a weekend away to someplace where there is golf tournament going on, a wife who doesn’t play or watch golf will feel unimportant.  When a man buys her a piece of lingerie not recognizing that she is struggling with body issues at the moment, she will be devastated.

So, if you want to do something special for your wife, make sure to plan something that she will like and not something that is all about you.

#4 – Make sure you are fully familiar with her love language.

Love languages are an idea that, if you can fully master them, will change your relationship with your wife and you will truly make her feel special.

The idea behind love languages is that we tend to do things for other people that we want done unto us, hoping to make them feel loved. Unfortunately, not everyone needs the same thing to feel loved and, therefore, the efforts backfire. If you can understand someone’s love language, you can understand what will make them feel loved.

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages:

Physical touch – being touched in a romantic and/or sexual way

Words of Affirmation – being told how someone feels

Gift Giving – receiving a gift

Acts of Service – taking action by doing a service

Quality Time – spending time together

If your wife’s love language is quality time and you take the garbage out for her on Saturday morning before you head off for a day of golf, you won’t make her feel loved. Instead, take the garbage out, sure, but then spend the rest of the morning with her and play only a half day of golf.

To learn more about love languages, follow this link. There is even a quiz that you and your wife can take so that you can know what each other’s love language.

This will make your wife feel important and loved.

#5 – Take an interest in the things that she loves – or try something new together.

For many couples who have been married a long time, they tend to focus on their own hobbies and no longer do things together. As a result, the time that they spend together isn’t necessarily time that involves things that make their hearts sing, something that doesn’t foster connection.

An excellent way to make your wife feel special is to take an interest in what she likes to do. I am not saying that you need to take up needlework or go to yoga (unless you want to do that) but do be willing to share in some of the things that she enjoys doing.

Also, an excellent way to feel connected to your spouse is by taking up an activity that neither one of you does on your own, something that you can learn together. Perhaps its going for day hikes or taking ball room dancing lessons or playing tennis or golf or learning how to sail or ski.

Something that will give you time together, time that isn’t focused on chores and kids and work. That will make your wife feel special in a big way.

 

married couple having fun

#6 – Rub her feet or her back or any body part she would like to have rubbed.

Many couples who have been married a long time have stopped touching each other. Sure, there might be weekly married people sex but, in between, physical intimacy is minimal. As a result, couples can grow disconnected, especially if there are any issues around their sex lives.

If you want to make your wife feel loved, reach out to rub her feet when you are watching TV. If she is at her computer, stop and rub her shoulders. Give her a hug from behind when she is doing the dishes. By touching your wife you are telling her that you see her, that you love her and that you want to feel connected to her.

Of course, you wife might not want to be touched or might suspect something if you start touching her after not having done so for a while. So, ask your wife before you do touch her. See if she would like a foot rub or a shoulder massage. I am guessing she will say yes, but do ask for permission first. You don’t want to set yourself back by  touching her in a way that she doesn’t want to be touched.

#7 – Make sure she knows that she is a priority for you.

When you and your wife were falling in love, did you put each other first? Did you choose to choose each other before anything else? Were you willing to get out of work early to do something special? Did you put each other’s wants and needs above the other’s?

And now that you have been married a while, where does your wife fall on your priority list? Is she even close to number one?

Perhaps you justify that if you don’t work late, your family won’t have the money it needs. Perhaps you justify that bowling with your friends instead of hanging out with her will make you happier and therefore her happier. Perhaps when your mother insists on Sunday dinners and you don’t push back when your wife doesn’t want to do every Sunday, you do it because you feel like your mother should be the priority.

Whatever it is that you choose to do over your wife is something that I want you to consider as you embark on trying to make her feel special. Of course, no one can be someone’s number one priority all of the time but, in my experience as a coach, my female clients feel like they just aren’t important to their husbands and that makes them feel unloved.

I hope that these 7 ways to make your wife feel special are helpful.

If you are feeling a little bit overwhelmed, it’s ok. Taking action to do things differently can cause anxiety and fear. But just take it one item at a time. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try one thing on your list and see how it makes your wife feel. If it works, you might find you are eager to do another. And if it doesn’t work, don’t give up! Just try another thing on your list.

You can do this! After all, you made her feel special once, enough so that she fell in love with you!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

Finding Happiness After Divorce is Possible! Here is How.

September 10, 2024/by Mitzi Bockmann

For many people, finding happiness after a divorce might seem impossible.

After all, the lives that they have lived for whatever period of time is over. The stress and sadness of the divorce process has been life sucking. The fear of moving forward can be intense.

But finding happiness after a divorce is not only possible but probable. I know. I have been there – gone from devastated by a divorce to living happily ever after.

How did this happen? Let me share.

There are 9 key elements to finding the life, and love, that you seek after a divorce.

#1 – Make sure that your divorce is settled.

For many people, myself included, they are so impatient for their life to move forward that they try to get started earlier than they should.

When my husband left me, I immediately set out to build a new life for myself – including finding love. I reached out to college boyfriend, hoping to re-kindle our love. I embraced online dating, getting into one relationship after another, all of which failed.

In retrospect, I know that I just wasn’t ready. I was in too deep with sadness around the end of my marriage and the toxicity of the divorce process. At the time, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.

Going through a divorce is one of the most devastating things that anyone can go through. And the divorce process can take a long time. When one is in the middle of it all, it’s almost like they are submerged in a babbling brook. Like water is rushing over their head and they can’t really hear anything or see anything clearly. As a result, they can make bad choices, choices that might even sabotage finding the happiness that they deserve.

So, try to be patient and wait until the divorce is settled and signed off on before you try to make too much change, particularly around relationships.

#2 – Don’t move too fast.

Many people are desperate to find love again after a divorce. They truly believe that that is the only way they will ever be happy again. And so, they get into a new relationship quicker than they should.

What I always encourage my clients to do is, if you feel like dating is something that you must do to keep your head above water, to date away. Date away but absolutely don’t get into a new relationship.

As I said above, when going through a divorce you just don’t see or feel things clearly. As a result, you could get into another relationship that causes you heartbreak and leaves you even worse off than you were during your marriage.

I got into a relationship within months of my husband leaving. At first it was wonderful but then it fell apart – mostly because my divorce kept on interfering with our life and because I didn’t have the life skills to be in a new relationship after 20 years of marriage.

As the relationship fell apart, so did I, mentally and physically. Most notably, I woke up one day with my face half-paralyzed. I had Bell’s Palsy. The stress that I was feeling was literally all over my face. It was horrible.

So, don’t move too fast into a new relationship. It could only hold you back!

#3 – Take stock of what happened.

For many people, once they get through a divorce, don’t take the time to pause and figure out what happened in their marriage. As a result, they find that they make the same mistakes that they made in their marriage.

In what way? They choose people who resemble their ex-spouse. They interact with them in ways that sabotage a relationship instead of build it. They continue the toxic behaviors they displayed in their marriage. They continue to do what they have always done and hope that things turn out differently this time around.

It is key that you stop and take the time to figure out not only what happened in your marriage but also your role in it. You don’t want history to repeat itself. A large percent of second marriages fail. Don’t let yours be one of them!

#4 – Let go of self-sabotaging negativity.

This is one of the most important things to do after a divorce – and the most difficult.

The key to finding happiness after a divorce is to let go of any anger and animosity that you might feel towards your ex.

Holding on to anger is horrible for many reasons. It keeps you mired in the past. It carries an undercurrent of anger and hostility that can sabotage happiness. It can lead to not trusting people. Is unattractive to those it is shared with. And, it could ultimately cause physical problems. My mom held a grudge against my dad for decades – she died at 72 of pancreatic cancer.

So, work hard to not hold on to any anger that you might have against your ex. And, as you work to let go of it, don’t subject random people, especially dates, to your vitriol. It won’t get you anywhere!

#5 – Be open to taking risks.

No risk, no reward, right?

I know that for many people coming out the other side of divorce, the idea of taking risks is untenable.

Their self confidence is shot. They are emotionally drained. They aren’t feeling very hopeful for the future. All of these things make some people want to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream and indulge in lots and lots of reality TV.

And, while it is ok to do this for a while, don’t let it last for long.

For me, after my divorce, I sold my 2000 sq foot house in Vermont and got myself a little apartment on the Upper West Side in NYC. I put my stuff in storage and set off for my adventure. And I am glad I did.

While I didn’t find love in NYC (which I thought I would with the million plus guys there) I did build my business, meet new people and do exciting new things. It was the best 2.5 years of my life, to date – and now I am happily settled in Maine, having done something that I always wanted to do at that turning point in my life.

Now, I am not saying that you have to move to NYC after your divorce. I am a big risk taker so that was easy for me. But pay attention to the life choices that you make and make sure that some of them make you just a little bit nervous.

Doing so will give you the opportunity to truly feel alive again and help you find the happiness that you seek.

#6 – Do that thing you have always wanted to do.

It’s interesting – marriage can make one’s life very small. Between jobs and kids and careers and extended family, the life that we lived when were single seems like it’s gone for ever. The risks and adventures, the trips and cultural events, the branching out and meeting new people are all put to the side as life goes on.

When you get divorced, you have a chance to open up that world again.

For me, for years going to Peru had been on my bucket list but, because my life was small, I just didn’t make it happen. Once I got divorced I was determined to make it happen. And I did. At the age of 52, I hiked a 17,000 foot mountain and came down the other side to land at Machu Picchu. Not only did I widen my world but I felt damn good about myself doing it.

So, what is that thing that you have always wanted to do? Do it!

 

finding happiness after divorce

#7 – Spend time with people who love you.

When we come out the other side of a divorce often our self-confidence has been destroyed.We don’t feel good about ourselves and are perfectly. We are happy to wallow in the feelings of self-hatred.

Well, let me tell you that, just because you got divorced, you are not a bad person. You aren’t worthless. You are deserving of love. And, if you have a hard time believing me, just ask those friends and family members who love you. They will tell you.

In an effort to find happiness after divorce, it is key that you spend time with people who love you, people who will remind you of your worth to the world and all that you have to give. If you are surrounded by this kind of unconditional love, it will help you believe in yourself again and move confidently into the world.

#8- Take care of yourself.

I know – this one seems obvious but it must be included in any list of finding happiness after or a divorce.

While the instinct to stay home and indulge in your depression might be tempting, I encourage you to do that as little as possible. Make sure that you get outside and exercise. That you sleep and eat well. That you don’t spend hours stalking your ex on social media. That you do things that feed your soul.

I know the idea of getting up off the couch right now but I can promise that, if you do, you will be one step closer to finding the happiness that you seek!

#9 – Get help.

Most people who are going through and getting past a divorce have never done so before. Sure they might have been through a break up but not a divorce. As a result, they have no idea with they are doing.

I always encourage my clients to find some kind of support to get through this difficult time. Whether it’s a friend who has been through a divorce already, a therapist who can help you process your feelings or a life coach who can help you figure out next steps (or all three), getting some kind of support as you navigate the treacherous waters of life during and after a divorce is essential to any future happiness!

So there you go – 9 key elements of finding happiness after a divorce.

I know that many of these things might feel daunting right now, keep this list close so that, when you are ready, you know what you have to do.

And, I promise you – you can do it! And, if you do, you will find the life and the love that you so much want to have!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

7 Ways to Rekindle Love with Your Wife

August 5, 2024/by Mitzi Bockmann

 

Marriage is long and hard and it’s easy for married couples to lose their way. To start taking each other for granted and to, sometimes, fall out of love.

But there are ways to rekindle love with your wife, if you are willing to make the time and the effort to do it. And it’s not that hard to do…you have done it before, when you were falling IN love.

What I would encourage you first and foremost to do is to talk to your wife about how you feel and what you want to do. That you are feeling some space in your marriage and that you are interested in finding each other again. It is important that both spouses are on board. If she just isn’t interested, don’t waste your time.

I did have a male client who worked for months to rekindle his marriage, only to have her ask for a divorce in the end. She was just going through the paces, not really invested in the outcome of his efforts.

So, after you have checked in with your spouse and agreed to move forward, here are 7 ways to rekindle your love with your wife.

#1 – Do things that you used to do together.

Remember when you and your wife first met, the things that you used to do together, the things that you did together that led to your falling in love?

Do you still do any of those things? I am guessing probably not. And if you do still do them, you probably don’t do them very often.

The past can be a powerful thing. Think about how you feel when you hear a song from your youth or smell something that reminds you of something in your past. Can’t you “feel†those things. Don’t they take you back to a moment in time that you can feel in your body, even if just for a moment?

So you can do with your wife, to help reignite your love.

I have a client who told me that, when he and his wife dated before their marriage, they did two things every weekend. They went for a long hike and took themselves out for margaritas afterwards. Getting up early in the morning and being on the trail before everyone else made them feel so close and earning those margaritas together made them feel like they were a team.

Since they have gotten married, those weekends together have disappeared. To be fair, weekends can be consumed with kids’ activities or work or commitments to extended family. But, also to be fair, some of their weekends were free. And yet, they didn’t take advantage of those free weekends to spend any time together.

I would encourage you to make the time to do the things that you and your wife used to do together. Get a babysitter for the kids. Plan ahead and have it on your calendar so that nothing else gets in they. Whatever it takes for you to spend time together doing the things that you used to love to do.

#2 – Do new things together.

On the flip side, I always encourage men who are looking to rekindle love with their wives is to do new things together.

We all tend to get into ruts, to do the same things over and over and over, especially when we have been married for a long time. And that kind of stagnation can kill the love in a marriage.

So, what are things that you and your wife can do together that is new? It can be as simple as going for a walk together every night or something a little more complicated like learning how to dance. Anything that will involve the two of you, side by side, learning something new that shakes up your life just a little bit.

#3 – Touch each other.

Be honest. How often do you and your wife touch each other? Other than maybe the occasionally married people sex, do you have the same kind of physicality that you used to have before you were married.

While I know that having more sex would be lovely, I would encourage to you to invest in a simpler form of physical touch – hugs and hand holding. Why? Because human beings communicate better with actions than words. Words can sometime come out wrong – a hug is always a hug. Something that makes you feel good.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can bring a couple together. And holding hands while driving in the car or taking a walk will connect you in a way that almost nothing else can.

So, take the time to touch your wife. It might feel weird to do at first if it’s something that you haven’t done for a while but you will grow to enjoy it very much. I promise.

rekindle love in your marriage

#4- Learn each other’s love language.

For many people, when they try to make their partner feel loved, they give their partner what they would need to feel loved. And then they don’t understand why it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is because what one person needs to feel loved might not work for another person. So, their efforts are in vain.

This is where the love languages come in. In theory, there are 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift giving. If you can speak to your partner in their love language, they will feel loved.

When I was married, we didn’t know about the love languages. If we had, we would have known that my love language was quality time and his physical touch and we would have stopped giving each other acts of service!

So, learn each other’s love languages. It’s easy to do. Just go on to this website and take the quiz. Do it together!

#5- Use your words.

I hear the same thing over and over, from men and from women. “He/she doesn’t need me to tell them I love them. They know.†And, I tell them, over and over, that it isn’t necessarily true!

People need to hear that they are loved. That someone thinks that they are beautiful. That someone is proud of something that has been accomplished. It’s just human nature – affirmations can make us feel love and connected and nurtured.

So many couples, while they might have been good at this in the beginning, stop telling their partner how they feel about them as time goes on. As a result, neither one of them feels loved and connected and their feelings for each other fade.

This can be easily stopped if you both just start speaking up about what you see and how you feel.

I don’t mean to love bomb your partner. That won’t feel authentic. But when she walks in the room, tell her how great she looks. I promise you, the effects will be immediate.

#6 – Regular Check Ins.

I remember the summer that my husband and I decided to have a drink together every night after work. It was something that we had stopped doing once our kids took over our lives.

The pattern was that he would come home form work and I would be in the middle of dinner and homework and I would put him right to work. We would do everything that we needed to do for the rest of the night, falling into bed, exhausted, barely having acknowledged each other.

And this only disconnected us.

So, make an effort to check in at least weekly with your partner, even more if possible. Learn about what is going on in each other’s lives. How each other is feeling. What to can to support each other. Rebuild your connection so that you feel close to each other in a way you haven’t done for a while.

#7 – Talk about the future.

Talking about the future is something that couples do regularly when they are first together. Those heady days of falling in love and visualizing what the future could hold.

Unfortunately, talking about dreams for the future often gets put on hold during the chaos of married life. And, if there are dreams being considered, they are often just for oneself and not for a couple.

Talking about the future is a verbalization that you see each other together going forward. A confirmation that you know that your hopes and dreams for the future, no matter how distant, are aligned. This is an essential part of feeling connected.

My ex-husband and I used to talk about the future often. We were nervous about it because our marriage was struggling but still we talked about it. When he stopped wanting to talk about the future, I knew that it was a sign that our marriage was over.

So, keep looking ahead with your wife. It will make you excited about things to come!

I hope that you now see that it is possible to rekindle love with your wife.

I know that some of the things that I have listed might seem a little bit intimidating and of course they do – most or even all of them are things that you are out of practice doing. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again.

You can do it!

 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention,  Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

9 Ways to Be Independent in a Relationship So That You Don’t Lose Yourself In It

October 26, 2023/by Mitzi Bockmann


 

If there is a common thread between many of my clients it’s that they find it hard to be independent in a relationship and, as a result, their relationships are struggling and they reach out to me.

At the beginning of any relationship, we are our own person. We have friends, hobbies, family etc. Once we get into a relationship, things change. We have a partner, one we want to spend all of our time with (especially if we have an insecure attachment style) and we often lose ourselves in them.

And this, I am afraid, can be a death knell for any relationship.

How do you be independent in a relationship? Let me share!

#1 – Be who you really are.

This is the key to a healthy relationship and one of independence “From the very beginning, be who you are.

I have a client who is never herself when she gets into a relationship. She is an incredibly anxious person and she has a very strong insecure attachment style. The men she is dating would never know it with how chill she acts. Unfortunately, once they fall in love with her, her true manners come out and they are left confused, wondering where is the person they fell in love with

If you aren’t yourself in a relationship, you are going to find yourself needing more and more connection in it because you don’t feel good about yourself and need validation from your partner. This will only take away from being independent in a relationship which could lead to the end of the relationship.

#2 – Don’t drop your friends.

You need your friends. I promise you. You need your friends, especially if things go awry in your relationship.

Often times, the first thing to go in a relationship are friendships. It’s not something that is done consciously it’s just the more time we spend with our partners, the less time we have with our friends. And our friends are generally okay with that as they have relationships of their own.

In the long run, however, letting go of your friends will only lead you to being less independent in your relationship because you no longer have anyone else to play with. So, you spend all of your time with your partner, often, perhaps, doing what they want to do.

#3 – Don’t do only what they want to do.

This is another important part of maintaining your independence in a relationship “Don’t always do what your partner wants to do.

Of course, it is okay to do some things that your partner wants to do. After all, sharing experiences is part of any healthy relationship. But, if you find yourself only doing things that they want to do or repeatedly doing things with them that you hate, you are going to be miserable.

A strong independent woman sets boundaries around activities and makes sure that she does want she wants to do and that her partner do them with her.

#4 – Set individual goals.

This is a key part to maintaining your independence in a relationship making sure that you have set goals for yourself, goals outside of your relationship.

Whether it’s goals around work, exercise, eating right, time with friends and family or fabulous places you want to travel, having something that you want to do that is just yours can give you a lot of confidence. And having more confidence in yourself will make you have a less anxious attachment style which is good for any relationship.

Of course, set goals as a couple too but make sure that you have a few of your own.

#5 – Stand up for yourself.

In any relationship, it is key that you present yourself as a strong, independent woman and that you do not let your partner walk all over you.

I have a client who is struggling in her relationship right now. Her partner isn’t happy with the level of attachment she has to him because it is a burden while he is trying to care for his girls. He had talked about taking a break and thinking things through. Instead of stepping up and advocating for herself and what she wanted, she sat there, frustrated and unengaged, and waited for him to make the call.

That frustrated him even more, because she was being passive aggressive, he felt, so he ultimately called for the break, upsetting my client in a big way.

#6 – Take time for yourself regularly.

 

I have a client who has one day a week that is her day. She and her husband have agreed that it is key to keeping her happy and satisified in their relationship and in her life.

She makes self care a priority, taking a walk or getting a body treatment. She takes time to write in her journal or read a good book. She spends time with friends. And, at the end of her day, her batteries are recharged. She is a better partner, less needy and presents herself as a confident woman, the one she knows she is her own person.

#7 – Keep your money separate.

I know that this one might seem weird, but I believe that keeping your money separate gives one an independence that they wouldn’t get if their money is combined.

Back in the day, my sister didn’t mingle her money when she married her husband. I thought she was crazy because how could she be in a healthy marriage if she wasn’t willing to share. What I saw over the years was that money gave her some independence. She was able to buy what she wanted and her partner wasn’t able to use her money in a way that caused conflict.

And, when they got divorced, dividing the money wasn’t an issue because it was all hers.

#8 ““ Take care of yourself.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a woman who will never be independent. Why? Because when we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t feel good about ourselves and when we don’t feel good about ourselves we turn to our partner for validation, because we can’t do it ourselves.

I am not saying get a gym membership and go on a diet. I am talking about taking walks, getting enough sleep, eating well, spending time with friends and family. Whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself you will be a better partner in your relationship.

#9 – Don’t rely on them for support.

I have a friend who, a few years back, was really struggling in her life. She had tried to commit suicide and was consumed with drinking and drugs. But, my friend is a tough woman and, with work, she got out of it. She got better and got married.

Unfortunately, a few years later she started having a tough time again and tried to commit suicide. This time, because she had her husband, she didn’t turn to herself to do the work she turned to him. And, what did that do? It only made things worse when her husband couldn’t support her in the way she needed him to.

Ultimately, they got divorced and she pulled herself together.

So, if you want to be independent in your relationship, make sure that you don’t rely on your partner for support but maintain your ability to take care of yourself if needs be.

Being independent in a relationship is a very attractive thing for people.

Knowing that your person loves and needs you but isn’t dependent on you for your care and validation is something that makes a relationship stronger.

So, even if you aren’t independent now, make an effort to be so going forward. Even if you can only do one or two things that I listed above, you will be on your way to being so and showing your partner, and yourself, that you can live well without them. If you know this, you will be much happier in your relationship, and your life!

 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann
letyourdreamsbegin.com

Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay in Relationships? 9 Surprising Reasons

June 5, 2023/by Mitzi Bockmann


 

I know it seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, if someone cheats on someone, why would they want to stay in a relationship with them?

After all, they cheated. They can’t possibly still love their person and be happy in a relationship if they cheated. Right?

Actually, it’s more complicated than that. People cheat for many reasons and not only because they are no longer in love with the person they are with.

They cheat because they might struggle with low self-esteem or they have a hard time with commitment or they don’t feel loved or they need variety or they feel neglected or because the opportunity arises and, of course, sexual desire.

It is very rare (although it does happen) that someone cheats because they want to get out of a relationship.

So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships after they have cheated?

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – They still love you.

You might be thinking “how can people cheat on someone they love?†It just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you would never do that, correct?

But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Just being in love isn’t enough to help someone heal their wounds. Yes, love is wonderful and it makes us feel better in the world but love doesn’t fix everything.

Someone who is well-loved and in love might still suffer from low self-esteem or depression, and that might lead them to cheat. Or they might feel neglected by the person they love and so they turn to another to make themselves feel better.

What they don’t want, at all, is to let go of the person they love. They love that person and want to be with them, and they see the cheating as something that is totally outside of their love story with their person.

I know it seems weird, but the number one reason why cheaters want to stay in relationships is that they still love their person.

#2 – They feel guilty.

Imagine you are someone who just cheated on someone you love.

Perhaps it’s your spouse or your partner or even a friend.

Can you imagine the guilt that you must feel? It must be pretty overwhelming, no?

So, what might be your instinct when you are feeling guilty about cheating?

To stay, perhaps, and try to fix things? Yes, probably.

Ironically, staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t a good reason to do so. If you don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are willing to address the root cause of it, staying will only make things worse.

I always encourage cheaters who want to stay because they feel guilty to ask themselves if staying is really the best thing for their partners or are they staying for themselves and their guilt?

#3 – They are scared.

Cheaters who want to stay in relationships often do so because they are scared.

They are scared of letting go of someone they still love. They are scared to be out there in the world, on their own. They are scared that they will never find someone else to love and that their reputation will be forever tarnished as a cheater.

Fear is a very powerful emotion, something that keeps us from putting ourselves in harm’s way and it’s something that’s hard to overcome. When people cheat on someone they still love, the idea of losing them is almost more than they can bear.

But, again, it’s important that, if a cheater wants to stay in a relationship, that they do so because they want to make things work, not because they are scared about what is on the other side of a break up or divorce.

#4 – They don’t have other options.

This is a big one. People often want to stay in a relationship after they cheated because they have no other option than to do so.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients whose partners cheated and whom they want to leave are still in a relationship with them because there are no other options.

Perhaps it’s the finances that make someone stay or have no place to go. Or, if they leave, there will be no one to provide childcare or take care of the home.

Perhaps it’s the fact that they believe that, if they go, they won’t have any other options to find love. That the love they have, even if it’s damaged, is better than no love at all.

Having options is one of the most important things to have in one’s life, and not having them can paralyze someone when it comes to making a move.

#5 – They fear change.

According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter, writing for the Harvard Business Review, people hate change for a multitude of reasons. Change means a loss of control, uncertainty, loss of face, and concern about whether they can handle it. Fear that changing one thing might change other things. Worry that the change will backfire and that things will get worse.

A person who has cheated, especially if they have been found out, will already be dealing with a world that feels pretty wobbly.

Cheating, while it sounds sexy, will rock someone’s world, shaking the foundation of everything that they assumed about themselves.

The last thing that they want is for things to change ever further, to have to leave the family or the house that gives them the stability that they need.

And so, they want to stay!

#6 – They don’t feel good about themselves.

One of the number one reasons why people cheat, in my opinion, is because they have a low opinion of themselves.

They don’t like who they are in the world and they haven’t learned how to manage or change and so they have had to create coping mechanisms to live with themselves.

One of those coping mechanisms might be cheating. By focusing on their infidelity and their affair partner, they don’t have to think about how much they hate themselves. They are also spending time with someone who thinks they are wonderful and tells them that regularly.

When a person is no longer cheating, they need to revert to other coping mechanisms, ones that may or may not work. And the idea of leaving their partner, especially if they still love them, might be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.

They might not think that they deserve their partner, because they cheated, but leaving them will only make them feel worse about themselves.

A scary thing indeed.

#7 – They are worried about finances.

Money, money, money. It makes the world go ‘round.

For many people, they stay in their relationship after cheating because they worry about finances. Because they are anxious that, if they leave, their long-term financial health might be damaged.

And, of course, many people stay because they just can’t afford to do it, right now.

Unfortunately, staying in a relationship because of money will, most likely, just lead to a lifetime of misery. If we don’t stay in a relationship because we truly want to make the relationship work, then we won’t ever be happy.

That being said, staying might be the only option if finances are in issue, in which case, working together to try to figure out how to make co-habitation work would be wise.

#8 – They still want sex.

Sex, sex, sex – the other thing that makes the world go ‘round.

For many men, having sex is a driving factor in their life. They think about it every day and would love nothing more than to have a partner who wants as much sex as they do.

And they know that, if they leave, the chances that they have to have sex anytime soon are slim. Furthermore, for someone who might have been recently having sex with more than one person, the prospect of the absence of sex might feel overwhelming.

So, yes, cheaters who want to stay in relationships are often cheaters who want sex and hope that, if they stay, they will still be able to get the sex that they desire.

#9 – They have hope.

Many, many people who cheat regret that they did so. They know that the affair didn’t fix their lives the way that they had hoped it would. They know that they only caused other people pain. They know that they let themselves down. They promise themselves that they will do better.

And, with these thoughts in mind, they want to stay.

They want to stay so that they can work on things – both personally and as a couple – hoping that things will still be okay.

They believe that, if they leave, that will mean the end of the relationship and that they will never have the chance to make things right, something that they want to do.

I hope that you now see that cheaters want to stay in relationships for a variety of reasons.

Some of them, like hope and love, are excellent reasons to stay. They signal that the cheater wants to work to make amends and to make change and to get the relationship back on track.

Some of them are selfish, like the fear of being alone and not getting laid. Many cheaters are selfish, so these reasons, while not being okay, are on brand.

And some reasons are purely practical, like not having options or having financial anxiety.

Whatever the reasons, the fact that a cheater wants to stay in a relationship is not unusual.

If your person has cheated and wants to stay, find out why. That will help your decision about whether they should stay or should go easier.

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann
letyourdreamsbegin.com

When Your Wife Yells at You: 5 Do’s and Don’ts

May 19, 2023/by Mitzi Bockmann


 

Marriage is hard. Very hard. And unfortunately, there are times when it can involve lots of yelling.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have a calm, rational conversation about an issue, and often they can. But, sometimes, they lose control of their emotions, and they yell.

And, for many people, being yelled at is something that shuts them down.

In my work with clients, I have many men who just don’t know what to do when their wives yell at them. They feel like their reactions, or lack of, can make things worse and they just don’t know what to do.

I know that, for my husband, when I yell (which is rare) he says that his mind just shuts down. It’s blank. He has no idea what to do. I had no idea that this happened and when he told me it gave me a ton of information to share with my clients, men and women.

To that end, I thought I would share with you today the 5 do’s and don’ts that I tell my male clients when they say, ‘my wife yells at me, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Maybe these tips will help you get through these experiences in a productive way and might help prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

Do: Let her vent.

When your wife yells at you, she has lost control of her emotions. Chances are that she is yelling because she has a lot of pent-up issues, and, for some reason, feelings about them have erupted.

The best thing to do when she needs to vent is to let her do it. She needs to get it out of her system, her frustrations, and when she does, she might be able to express what she is feeling in a calmer, more rational manner.

Don’t: Walk away.

I know – it’s really hard when your wife yells at you. It’s really hard when anyone yells at you. And the temptation to walk away is huge.

But, if you walk away, you will do two things. The first is to anger her more, which will involve more, even louder, yelling. The other is that you will kick whatever the issue is down the road which, will, most likely lead, you to say ‘My wife yelled at me’ again soon.

So, do your best to stand your ground and listen to your wife as she yells at you. I know that it might take superhuman powers to do it. But, if you can, it will pay off in spades.

Do: Listen to her words.

I know that it might be difficult but, if you can, try to listen to the words that your wife is telling you. Yes, there might be a lot of very emotional, maybe unreasonable, things coming out of her mouth but hidden in there is the issue that she is upset about.

Why would you listen to the words of someone who is yelling at you, who is making you so uncomfortable by doing so, who is making you feel attacked? Because if you can try to understand what her issue is, when she is done venting, you might be able to address what she is so upset about.

Don’t: Shut her out or ignore her.

When my male clients say, ‘My wife yells at me all the time,’ I ask them what they do when she does. More often than not, my clients just don’t pay attention.

They might turn their back on her, focusing on another task. They might walk out of the room, not letting her express herself. They might look at their phone, ignoring her, waiting for the venting to be over.

This is pretty much the worst thing that you can do if your wife is yelling at you.

If your wife if yelling at you, pay attention. Again, you might have to be strong and block out the vitriol but, if she knows that you are listening, she will most likely calm down quicker.

Do: Stay calm

I know. I am asking you to stay really calm while your wife yells at you. Three times now, I have asked you.

For many people, two things happen when we are yelled at. First, we want to cut and run, to save ourselves from the pain of the yelling. The second is that we want to jump into the fray and start yelling ourselves.

We want to push back on the words that they are saying. We don’t listen to what they are trying to communicate but just focus on whatever we are going to say next. Our heart rate gets elevated and our instincts to protect ourselves kick in and we fight back.

And this, I am sure, if your wife yells at you, is not productive.

Don’t: Don’t yell back.

The next step to staying calm in the face of your wife yelling at you is to try as hard as you can to not yell back. I know that it might seem impossible, but if you can do it, it will go a long way toward the yelling being over and a possible discussion happening.

Many of my male clients really struggle with this. When they feel attacked, it is the male instinct to fight back and protect themselves. When someone they love attacks them, it is even worse.

They lose control of their emotions and raise their voice along with their wife. And this, I am afraid, willing only make the yelling escalate and lead down the road to nothing productive.

Do: Try to understand where she is coming from.

If you listen to your wife’s words, you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from. The yelling is coming from somewhere – the key is figuring out where.

Sometimes, when we are on the other side of someone’s vitriol, we assume that, whatever they are yelling about is all about us. But, often, that isn’t the case.

Think about the times that your wife has yelled at you in the past. Has it always been about something that you have done? Or perhaps, maybe it’s about something else?

I know that, when I used to yell at my husband, is was often because of something else. Perhaps I was trying to cook dinner and the kids were being difficult, and his mother was calling and the dogs needed to be fed. He would walk in the door and ruffle through the mail pile, leaving it a mess, something that he did all the time which drove me crazy.

And, while the ruffling through the mail pile was something that I didn’t like, I generally didn’t address it. But, when things were chaotic, and I was frustrated, him doing that small action set me off.

I would yell at him for doing that and he would be bewildered at what he had done in the 30 seconds that he had been home which would make me so angry.

In fact, it really wasn’t him but it was what was going on around me.

So, know that understanding where your wife is coming from might help you manage it, and your emotions around it, so as not to escalate what was happening.

Don’t: Tell her that she is wrong.

Telling your wife that she is wrong in the middle of her yelling you will only get your head bitten off. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, especially a wife who is really angry with her husband.

Of course, you might think her wrong, and she very well could know that she is wrong, but telling her would be like prodding a tiger with a stick. She will only roar back at you, yelling loader, being more vicious.

When the fighting is done, you might be able to discuss what is happening, and she will see the error of her ways but, in the middle of it all, keep quiet. And calm.

Easier said than done, I know.

Do: Ask her what she needs from you.

Once her emotions are spent and she is no longer yelling at you, ask your wife what it is she needs from you.

Does she need some space to calm down after the yelling? Does she want to talk to you about what is going on. Does she need a hug? What is it that you can do to segue into the next part of this event.

I know that you probably aren’t feeling very loving towards your wife after she yells at you but the best way to prevent the yelling in the future is to act in a way now that is loving and supportive.

Don’t: Belittle her.

I have many clients who make the mistake of belittling their wives when they are yelling at them. They tell them that they are being ridiculous. They might perhaps mimic in a condescending way what their wife is saying. They might tell them that they are acting like a child.

Don’t do this. Again, I know that it’s difficult, but belittling someone who is already angry isn’t going to calm things down. It will only make the person doing the yelling feel that her actions are justified because you are, in fact, being a jerk.

In summary, knowing the 5 dos and 5 don’ts when you say to yourself, ‘my wife is yelling at me and I have no idea what to do.’

No one likes to be yelled at, ever. But there are ways to manage your wife’s emotions in the moment and maybe prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

All of this being said, know that if your wife’s yelling is escalating in frequency or noise levels, this is not ok. Yelling can be a form of emotional abuse that might need to be addressed. This article will tell you more about verbal abuse and what you can do to manage it.

If you find that the yelling is affecting your mental health, perhaps it will be time to get some help. Whether it’s talking to your health care professional about your options or trying to get you both into marriage counseling, if your wife’s yelling is only getting worse, it’s time to take action.

After all, taking care of yourself and your mental health is the yell to staying healthy through this challenging time and will keep you strong in the future should your wife yell at you again!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann
letyourdreamsbegin.com

How to Help Your Partner With Depression – Even if They Don’t Want You To

May 2, 2023/by Mitzi Bockmann


 

There is nothing worse than having a partner who struggles with depression, especially if you have never struggled with it yourself.

And depression can have a devastating effect on relationships because managing it can be very difficult.

While it might seem obvious, the steps you might take to help your spouse with depression (i.e. talk them out of it), the steps that truly work aren’t so clear.

Let me share with you how to help your partner with depression and keep your relationship healthy.

Knowing these things will set you up for success as far as helping your partner and keeping your relationship strong.

#1 – Don’t try to fix them.

If there is one thing that you take away from this article, it’s that if your partner has depression, you don’t try to fix them. This means that you don’t try to talk them out of it. You don’t tell them to be strong. You don’t remind them how great their life is.

This means that you don’t tell them that they have to get help, that they have to reach out to a psychiatrist to fix them. This means that you don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t change.

People who are depressed know how great their lives are. They know that they should get help. They believe that you should leave them. The thing is – they don’t care. Their depression is running through their brains, and there is no magical thinking that will change how they are feeling. So, how to help your partner with depression, more than anything, is to be there for them, empathize and love them. Trying to fix them will only push them away.

#2 – Let them know you see them and are there for them.

When people are depressed, as I said above, the last thing in the world that they want to do is be fixed. There is literally nothing that you can say trying to fix them that will make any change.

What will help them is if you tell them that you see that they are struggling and that you are there for them. That you don’t understand what they are going through but that you empathize with how much it is hurting them.

Tell them that you are there for them, just to be, and that, whenever they are ready, you will be there to help them with whatever they need from you. Just having another person see you when you are depressed can be a big help!

#3 – Don’t dismiss their feelings.

If your person is telling you that they feel sad or depressed or hopeless, whatever you do, don’t try to talk them out of it.

Don’t tell them that their life is good or that they are successful at work or a good mother. Don’t remind them of an upcoming vacation or the fact that you have a fun party to go to in a few weeks.

Don’t say anything to them except for “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Trying to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they are depressed will only backfire on you and make them not want to confide in you.

#4 – Ask them what they need.

When your person tells you that they are struggling, ask them what they need. They might not know the answer, but they will appreciate that you asked.

One thing that I always encourage my clients to do when they struggle with depression is to, when they aren’t depressed, talk to their partner about what they need when they are depressed. Oftentimes, when we are depressed, we just can’t see what would help us – we are too far gone. Having a list of what might work and a partner who knows about that list could be very helpful.

#5 – Educate yourself.

If you yourself have never dealt with depression, it can be hard to understand what depression feels like.

I mean, we have all had periods of feeling down, but usually, those times pass, and life goes on. Not so much for someone who is struggling with depression.

In order to help someone, it’s important that you understand what you are dealing with. To that end, educate yourself.

There is an endless amount of information out there about depression. I would encourage you to not go looking at TikTok or Instagram for information about depression. Yes, you will get many people’s perspectives on depression (which might be helpful down the road), but you won’t understand it on its most basic, scientific level if you just rely on social media. Articles from reputable resources are where you should start!

Check out this article to help you get educated about mental health conditions.

#6 – Recognize symptoms.

Part of educating yourself is learning to identify symptoms of depression. If you can see them coming, that will help you be able to help your partner.

Some symptoms of depression: Sleeplessness, hopelessness, isolation, irritability, lack of energy, persistent sadness, and reduced mental clarity.

Of course, all of these things can be indicators of something else or of nothing, but if you see these symptoms in your partner, pay attention and see what is going on.

#7 – Have compassion.

I know that having a partner who is depressed is very difficult. The person that you love is diminished. They are less likely to engage you. They are less likely to be helpful around the house. They might be snappy or even angry. They can just be plain difficult to be around.

If your partner is struggling with depression, try to have some compassion. They don’t want to be depressed, and they don’t want to hurt you. If you can understand this, you will go a long way toward helping them through their struggles.

#8 – Accept them as they are.

If your partner is struggling with depression, sometimes it can be really hard to accept who they are in those moments.

I mean, the person who you fell in love with wasn’t depressed. The person you wake up next to wasn’t this way 6 months ago. The person who you see every day is a stranger to you.

And I know that this sucks, but if your partner is struggling with depression, accepting them as they are in this moment is important. It might be hard, but recognizing that they are struggling and telling them that it’s ok and that you are there for them, just might be the thing that you can do to help them work through it.

#9 – Learn what might be a trigger.

Sometimes people are chemically depressed. This means that their brain chemistry is off in a way that makes it hard to regulate their moods. With chemical depression, it can be hard to recognize why someone gets depressed. They just do.

Someone with situational depression has a different kind of depression. Their depression is caused by a situation or a traumatic event. The cause of their depression is easier to identify and can be easier to manage.

People with situational depression can sometimes work through their depression with time and/or therapy, but some can have things come up regularly that trigger them. Keep your eyes open for what your partner’s triggers might be. Perhaps see if you can prevent those situations from occurring. Getting ahead of it can be helpful to shut down the depression before it even starts!

#10 – Take care of yourself.

When our partner is struggling with depression, it’s very easy to give everything to them. To spend all of our time and energy trying to support them.

And, while this is very loving of you, it’s not ok. Much like we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping someone on an airplane, so too is it important that we take care of ourselves when we are trying to support someone else.

Try to make sure that you eat well and get enough sleep. Do things that make you happy. Make sure that you don’t let tasks go that would lead you to feel bad about yourself. Do what you need to do to stay strong. I know that your partner wouldn’t want you to fall apart if they are struggling. Watching you do so might even make things worse for them. So, don’t do that. For the sake of both of you, take care of yourself.

#11 – Be an active listener.

When your partner is depressed and wanting to share with you what is going on, I would encourage you to be an active listener.

Active listening involves not just hearing what your partner is saying to you but trying to understand what their words mean. To be an active listener, you must be actively involved in the conversation.

This article in Very Well Mind will help you understand what active listening involves and how you can learn how to do it to help your partner when they are struggling.

#12 – Seek help.

Of course, when we see our partners struggling, our first instinct is to try to get them help. It’s a good instinct but it is also something that our partners might refuse to take part in. And don’t force them to – that will only backfire on you.

What you can do, however, is to get some help for yourself. To talk to someone who can help you understand what you are dealing with, who can help you learn how to take care of yourself and to help you maintain your own mental health as you support your partner.

Reach out today to a life coach or a therapist to get the support you need.

#13 – Don’t take it personally.

It’s very hard not to take your partner’s depression personally. I mean, you are the person they spend the most time with – and the person who is on the receiving end of the side effects of the depression – so of course it must be about you.

And, more often than not, your partner’s depression isn’t about you. Of course, if your relationship is an unhappy one, then yes, it might be part of your partner’s depression, but, more often than not, their sadness is not about you but about either the chemistry in their brain or external stimuli.

Taking your person’s depression personally will only hold you back from supporting them and keeping yourself healthy as you do.

#14 – Offer hope.

I know that when I am depressed, the future is completely hopeless. I just can’t imagine ever being happy again. And this only makes me sink deeper into the darkness.

What I would love for my partner to do during this time is to not try to talk me out of my depression but to offer to hold onto hope for the future for me, for us.

To acknowledge that, while I can’t see it right now, the future is a bright one for them and for us, and that they will hold onto that hope.

I love it when he does that. I can’t feel it, but if the man I love believes that I will be okay, that is something little to hold on to as I get through these difficult times.

So, there you go, how to help your partner with depression.

I know that what you and your partner are struggling with is very difficult. Good for you for seeking out help to figure out how to best manage it.

My final word of advice is that if you see your partner’s depression getting worse and that they aren’t willing to do something about it, reach out for help. Perhaps talk to their doctor, or reach out to mental health lines for resources to support your person.

You might even consider telling your person that you see that they are getting worse and to ask them to let you help them.

Whatever you can do to, if your partner isn’t getting better, help them work through this dark time and get out the other side.

You can do it!

 

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann
letyourdreamsbegin.com

18 Things To Say To A Friend Going Through A Breakup To Help Them Heal

April 8, 2023/by Mitzi Bockmann


 

Knowing what to say to a friend going through a breakup can be very difficult sometimes.

Why? Because we want to support our friend and help them heal but we also want to let them know they got off easy. That, if their ex didn’t want them, good riddance.

We also might mistakenly assume that our friend wants what we would want and so we sometimes give them that and it all backfires.

There is a fine balancing act to getting what to say straight and good for you for trying to figure out how to do so so that you don’t make their pain worse.

Here are 18 things to say to a friend going through a break up.

#1 – This is not your fault.

If someone is willing to bear the responsibility of something that goes wrong, the person who has done the wrong will be willing to put it on them, thereby becoming the victim.

Remind your friend that this isn’t on them – that their ex created this situation – and that they don’t need to apologize to anyone.

#2 – You have every right to feel the way you feel.

In much of our society, emotions are taboo. We are encouraged to ‘tough it out’ or ‘suck it up.’

We definitely shouldn’t do that after a break up. Letting out emotions, whether it is anger, grief, sadness, or disbelief, is the first step to healing.

#3 – It’s ok to cry.

Crying is often looked at as a sign of weakness. How many times have you apologized to someone for crying?

Well, tell your friend to cry away. It will help them get their emotions out and will also signal to others that they are sad so they will be treated accordingly!

#4 – I am here for you.

Many people who have just been broken up with are feeling very alone. Their person is gone. Knowing that you are there for them might be exactly what they need.

#5 – Do you need me to leave?

Conversely, sometimes people just want to mourn alone, at least at the beginning. Ask your friend if they want you to stay or to go.

#6 – Just take it one day at a time.

One of the things that sabotage healing is looking too far into the future.

To think that they will always be this miserable, this alone. This hopeless.

One thing to say to a friend who is going through a breakup is to look just as far as tomorrow, instead of months down the road. Doing so makes it much easier to manage fears about what the future looks like.

#7 – Let’s eat ice cream and watch Netflix.

When my daughter was 15, she came downstairs and told me that her friend had her heart broken. She asked me what to do. I told her to tell her friend to have some ice cream.

My daughter, who had never herself had a heartbreak, said that she had already done that.

Ice cream – the ultimate comfort food. Pair it with Netflix, and it will be just what the doctor ordered.

#8 – What do you need from me?

As I said above, we often want to give people what we know that we would want in this situation. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work because we are all different people.

Ask your friend what you can do for them. They might not know in the moment, but knowing that you are there and that you are offering to help will give them space to let you know when they do.

#9 – You are not un-loveable.

When we are broken up with, let go by someone who says they loved us, it only leads to us believing that we are un-loveable. That we will never love or be loved again because of something that is wrong with us.

Remind them that this just isn’t true. And that their ex just couldn’t see how loveable they are.

#10 – You are a rock star.

At the same time that you are reminding them that they aren’t un-loveable, remind them about how awesome they are. That they were awesome before the relationship and that they are still awesome now that it is over.

#11 – Let’s take a day off from social media.

Chances are good that if your friend is going through a break-up, they are spending a ton of time on social media, stalking their ex.

And this is the number one worse thing that they should do.

Suggest a mini vacation from social media. Give that itch that they want to scratch a chance to fade.

#12 – Let it all out.

Many of us just want to hold it all in. To not let those emotions that we are feeling out into the world. And that just doesn’t help with healing.

Encourage your person to laugh or scream or cry or punch a pillow. Whatever they need to do to let their feelings out, to prevent them from getting trapped in their body where those emotions will only fester and cause more damage.

#13- The pain will get pass.

This can be very hard for someone who is in so much pain to believe – that there will be a time that they will no longer feel it.

I would encourage you to remind your person that that day will come, and that it will come quicker than it would have if they had stayed in the relationship, feeling pain every day.

#14 – You deserve better.

This is something that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup a bit down the road in their healing – that they deserve better than their loser ex.

The reason that you say it down the road, and not right after the break-up, is because if you say it at the beginning of the healing process, they won’t believe you, and that might make them mad and maybe even push you away.

#15 – Let’s do something new.

In relationships, we tend to get stuck in patterns, doing ‘couple things.’

When we are broken up with, those patterns get broken. We are left sad on Sunday with no brunch or dinners on Friday or Christmases skiing.

One thing that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup is to try something new. On Sunday mornings – perhaps a morning hike or an early girlfriend breakfast. On Friday nights, pizza and a movie – something that will fill the empty space.

#16 – Is it time for a rebound?

This is definitely not something that you say right away because, once again, doing so might backfire.

But, when the time is right, encourage your person to get back out there. They don’t need to find a relationship, but a little rebound sex might be just the ticket.

#17 – Have hope.

When we are in the middle of a crisis, one born of a breakup especially, it’s really hard to have hope for the future. From where we sit, we can only see misery and loneliness.

But you know the truth. You know that your friend is going to be okay and that they will find love again, so tell them.

I always tell my friends that I am ‘holding space’ for them. That they might not believe but that I do!

#18 – You have survived a break up before, you will again!

I am guessing that your friend has been through heartache before, heartache that they didn’t believe, at the time, they would ever recover from. But they did and they will again. Remind them!

So, there you go, 18 things to say to a friend going through a breakup.

I would encourage you to start at the beginning of my list and work your way down. Saying some things too early could very well be counterproductive.

And remember, even if you sometimes feel like your friend doesn’t appreciate you or your efforts, know that they do, they just might not be able to say it right now.

So, go forth and support your friend. You will be glad you did!

Mitzi Bockmann
Mitzi Bockmann
letyourdreamsbegin.com
Page 2 of 39‹1234›»

I'm here to help

I am a New York City-based Certified Life Coach with 10 years experience as a working life coach. I am certified through the Coach Training Alliance and I am a member of the International Coach Federation.

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of people, like you, to help make serious change in their lives. These people have succeeded at, among other things, restoring the love in their relationships, getting to know themselves again and finding their place in the world.

Contact Me

More About Life Skills

  • why women can't block their ex7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

    13 Jul 2025

  • 9 Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

    8 Jul 2025

  • blocking your ex9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

    12 Jun 2025

  • Home
  • Work with Me
  • Free Session
  • About Mitzi
  • Success Stories
  • Blog
  • Contact

Connect with Mitzi

  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube
  • Instagram
  • Facebook

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin

Karen Finn
Karen Finn
Scroll to top