5 Ways to Help You Ride Out the Early Winter Blues

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This week I was SO crabby with the man in my life. For no real reason. I picked fights and nudged and nagged. It wasn ‘ t pretty. And, when asked why, I couldn ‘ t answer. Why was I crabby?

And then I realized. The temperatures dropped significantly this week. And I was depressed. Seasonally depressed.

“Oh man.” I thought. “Here we go again.”

Luckily, I have a bag of tricks that I turn to when I get depressed. They work almost every time.

#1 – Take a good hard look at how you are feeling.

This is very important. Be aware of why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

For Me, this week I seemed mad at my guy. But I wasn ‘ t. I was sad because the weather had turned cold. It happens to me every year.

Pay attention to your blues. Are they the result of something that happened? A conversation or an event that went wrong? Or did they just appear overnight? And how long have they lasted? A day? A week? A month?

If your sadness is not the result of something specific and has lasted for more than a few days, it might be time to see your doctor. Depression can be a serious disease and catching it early is the best way to deal with it.

#2 – Talk back to that brain of yours.

I have said this before and I will say it again. When your brain starts telling you things that don ‘ t make you feel good SHUT IT DOWN.

Our brains are hardwired to be our worst enemies. When you start feeling sad your brain goes into overdrive to sustain that sadness. It tells you that you are fat and you believe it. It tells you that you are worthless and you believe it. And when you are sad your brain will only tell you things that will make you sadder.

That ‘ s how it works – UNLESS you tell your brain to back off.

When you hear your brain telling you that you will never amount to anything, recognize that your brain is telling you this from a place of sadness. If you were in a better place, a place of happiness, your brain would not be saying this to you. It would be telling you that the sky is the limit.

So, when you are sad, question every negative thought that comes into your brain. And then talk back to it very firmly. Say to it ‘ Of course I am going to be something…look at how far I have already come.”

#3 – Get enough Vitamin D and sunshine.

The human body gets Vitamin D from sunshine. Yes, it is also in fortified milk and a few other foods but really the main source for us is sunshine. And with insufficient Vitamin D, we get depressed.

Almost every person living in the Northeast suffers from Vitamin D deficiency. And much of America does now too because of the widespread use of sunscreen.

Try to get outside and get some sunshine every day. On your hands and your face are most important, I have been told. There are also light machines that mimic sunlight which you can use inside but getting outside, where the air is fresh and the sun is shining, is best.

Also, taking a vitamin D3 supplement has worked for me in the past. 5000 IUs is the dosage my doctor recommended for me. I take one every morning from October – April, and it very much helps.

#4 – Eat foods that make you feel good.

I don ‘ t know about you, but when I get depressed I LOVE to eat. Pad Thai and peanut butter with chocolate chips by the spoonful are my favourites.

While these foods aren ‘ t bad for me there are actually foods that have been shown to be mood-enhancing. And some of them are yummy!

Top on the list of mood-enhancing foods are: almonds, guacamole, chocolate, coffee, watermelon and fava beans

That last one isn ‘ t a perennial favourite but I threw it in there anyway.

Also good for you are bananas, apples, green leafy vegetables, oatmeal and pumpkin seeds.

So when you are feeling the blues make yourself a banana and almond milk smoothie, grab a handful of chocolate chips and go sit on the front stoop in the sun for a bit.

Try it now ‘ ¦.at the very least the chocolate chip part.

#5 – Change your chemistry.

Okay, here is the best one. Doing things that make you feel good.

The body produces a chemical known as dopamine. When dopamine levels are low in the body depression can be the result.

Fortunately, there are ways to bump up dopamine levels in the body. And, really, not one of them is a chore.

Top on the list of things that produce dopamine:

  • Listening to music
  • Having sex
  • Setting a goal and meeting it
  • Knowing one answer on a crossword puzzle
  • Doing something creative
  • Trying something new

Can you find one thing on that list that might appeal? Do it after your banana and almond milk smoothie and life will be good.

Depression can be very serious, and I don ‘ t want to downplay that here. If you have been feeling not yourself for any period of time check with your doctor.

The things that I have listed here are things that I have used for years to get me through the blues. They really work. As soon as I feel the depression settling in I put these things into action.

Just ask my man. Not only am I no longer being crabby but he gets to help me raise my dopamine levels. Now everyone is happy.

Are you really struggling with the winter blues?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Have a Difficult Conversation In 2023

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Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

The life coach in me knows that while my concerns are real there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Let go of assumptions.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, and some involve tears.

And they are all that I can think about more even than the talk’s content. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome.

#2 – Choose a good time and place.

When my kids were little, and I had to discuss something difficult with them, I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy, and then we will begin. Softly.

#3 – Don ‘ t attack.

Your goal in this situation is to have an effective, difficult conversation. One that lands on it’s mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will ask him if he is happy. On a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (gradually) get him to open up to me about what is happening. From there, I can ask him probing questions that will lead to us being able to discuss how to get us through those issues.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

Not the end goal.

#4 – Be sure to listen.

This is so important. You must be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person you are talking with. Not only could you get some valuable information, but by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult, but it really works. After they speak, say, ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

Again, not the end goal.

#5 – Know that everything is going to be all right.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world, but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider, ‘ What is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

As I have mentioned before, pain is a part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process.

And growing is the end goal.

I am nervous about tonight ‘ s conversation. The topic is a difficult one, but the conversation is necessary. Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes, I have my list of things I want to address and will do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that everything is going to be okay. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must be getting ready for a difficult conversation.

Reach out to me NOW and let me help you get the words out.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day

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Marriage doesn ‘ t come with a manual. I wish it did. Because after the vows have been said, the doves have been released, and the dress has been put in dry storage, comes marriage.

And as much as we would like to believe it ‘ s all happily ever after, it often isn ‘ t.

But it CAN be. All you need is some awareness and a willingness to act.

Here is my latest – 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day – Even If I Might Not Have Wanted to Hear Them.

#1 – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

One of the most disturbing aspects of many marriages is that after a while, communication just stops.

Sure, there is lots of logistical stuff to discuss – when we are coming home for dinner, where the kids ‘ soccer games are, and what time we are meeting the in-laws on Sunday.

But real communication, expressing of feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams and longings, ceases.

Marriage is a 24/7 commitment. During those days, and years, lots of issues can arise, issues that can be hurtful and cause resentment. Instead of being addressed immediately, feelings are often left unsaid. It can just seem too scary to go there, to share how we feel and not know what the response will be. So we don’t.

And then, before we know it, it ‘ s easier to just not say anything, to do the dishes or spend longer at the office, doing anything to avoid difficult conversations. We do this assuming that the issues will be dealt with eventually. Like after Christmas, after Memorial Day or when the kids go off to college.

If you only take one thing away from this article, it ‘ s this: keep communicating. Your marriage, and your life, will be better if you do.

#2 – Have lots of sex.

I know newlyweds will laugh now at the prospect of no longer having sex with their partner. ‘ That won ‘ t be us, ‘ they say.

But it very well could be.

We know that anger and resentment can build in a marriage because of unexpressed feelings. There is no better libido killer for a woman than anger and resentment. And there is no better way to create anger and resentment in a man than the absence of sex.

Intimacy is key to maintaining closeness in a marriage. Touching, kissing, feeling loved and having orgasms are all a big part of this. Marriage without sex is simply a business arrangement.

So push past the anger and resentment and make love with your partner. Or, better yet, kill the anger and resentment with communication and happily make love every night.

You will be happy you did in the moment and long term.

#3 – Remember to respect each other.

There is a concept called the ‘ contempt of the familiar. ‘ This concept occurs when people get to know each other very well. Too well perhaps. We know how the other person looks when flossing their teeth, how they leave their pants hanging on the door, how they slurp their coffee or that they fart in bed.

Perhaps at one time you thought these things cute but now, as time has gone by, they drive you nuts. They might even repel you.

Mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage. Your partner ‘ s mannerisms or ways of doing things might not jibe with your own and this can lead to developing a dislike of who they are. And if you don’t like someone it’s hard to respect them.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Tell your partner that something they are doing is making it difficult for you to be with them. Don ‘ t just write them off as a lost cause, thinking ‘ If they loved me they would do this differently. ‘ We are all human beings trying to do the best that we can, and if you are honest with yourself, you know that they aren’t doing any of those things to spite you. They just do them. And can change if asked. Nicely.

Give your partner a chance to keep your respect and allow them to respect you in return.

And sex is way better when you respect your partner. In case you didn’t know.

#4 – Don ‘ t let your extended family get in the way of your new one.

No matter how old we are when we get married, we have many years of experience and tradition with our extended families. Holidays spent just so, toilet paper rolls that roll out on top instead of under, sarcasm that is part of every family get-together.

The extended family is wonderful and part of who we are, but the priority now is the new family. The one we are creating with our partner.

Of course, it ‘ s important to respect our family traditions, but if doing so is at the expense of the new relationship, it needs to be addressed. If the birthday tradition on one side is the whole family gathered and lots of gifts exchanged, and the birthday tradition on the other side involves quietly celebrating with friends, then a conversation needs to be had.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Both sides of the family need to be told, respectfully, that while all family traditions are important what is important now is how the new family wants to make their own traditions. Compromises might need to be made but it is important that both partners feel like their new life as a couple is their own.

#5 – Know that a baby is going to change everything.

I know! Having a baby is so exciting. From ‘ starting to try, ‘ to nine months of watching it grow, to baby showers and then childbirth (!!) it ‘ s all so wonderful and new and partners are bound closer than ever.

And then the baby is born, and all bets are off.

Like when we get married, no one hands us a manual when we become parents. This means that from day one, we are flying by the seat of our pants. Women most often immediately change their focus from their husbands to their child. Men are left wondering what happened to their life. Yes, the child is delightful, but dinners together, time with friends, and free time for athletics are all suddenly gone. Not to mention the sex.

It ‘ s important to be aware that the baby will change everything and prepare and allow for it. Know that everyone is going to be exhausted, that things are going to be messy, and that the next 18 years will be an evolution and a revolution like you have never been through before.

Commit to making it through those years together. Communicate like you did when you were first married, perhaps even more so, have as much sex as you can squeeze into your week and continue to love and respect each other even as life gets challenging.

It won ‘ t be easy, but it will be worth it.

So there you go. My 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day.

I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 5. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about what went wrong in my marriage. What I do know is that we, as a couple, got lost in our family. We gave up who WE were to please everyone else: our kids, our in-laws, our friends. We stopped looking at each other with love, talking about our feelings, hugging each other, and respecting each other.

We were business partners. Our family was a successful business, but our marriage fell apart.

I am madly in love with a new man now, one I very much hope to marry. And believe me; I won ‘ t make the same mistakes twice.

Marriage is truly a wondrous thing and can be a big part of living the life of your dreams.

So do what I suggest. And don ‘ t ever stop.

Looking for more ideas about how to keep your marriage strong? Contact me, and I can help.

5 Reasons Telling the Truth Will Make You Happy

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Remember back in high school when you and your best friend both liked the same guy and then the guy started liking you back and you didn ‘ t know what to do about your friend so you didn ‘ t tell her? How did that work out?

We all have secrets. Secrets that may or may not affect the lives of other people. And we may or may not choose to share those secrets because we just don ‘ t know if doing so is the right thing. For everyone.

I am here to tell you that holding on to secrets is not a good thing. For anyone.

#1 – You are not protecting your loved one, even if you think you are.

This is the reason that most people hold onto a secret. They believe that not telling someone the truth will somehow help them. And this does seems logical because you trying to take care of someone who is important to you and sharing the secret might cause them pain.

But why do you think that you know what is best for someone? Yes, you think you really know that person, and you probably do, but by not giving them information that could possibly change their life you are doing them a disservice.

Everyone deserves the right to be in charge of his or her own destiny. You not telling them the truth takes away their power.

#2 – Telling the truth will allow the healing process to begin.

Think about when someone told you something that caused you some hurt. Yes, in the moment, and for many moments afterwards, life was a very difficult place. Perhaps even unbearable.

But it ‘ s the natural process that the body pushes through trauma, big or small, and starts healing. This is how we survive as a species. And we can only start healing when we know what we are dealing with.

Awareness is key.

#3 – Telling the truth will keep your head from exploding.

Holding onto a secret is terribly hard on one ‘ s psyche. Your brain and your heart are in constant conflict, one arguing for revealing the truth, one pushing against it. And the result? Your stomach hurts all the time. And your head threatens to explode.

When your body is telling you that what you are doing is not good it is important that you listen to it. Holding on to a secret can have long-term effects both on the body and the brain.

Imagine what it would feel like to not have this secret in your body. Pretty amazing, right?

#4 – Telling the truth will keep your loved one’s head from exploding.

People always know when you are hiding something, especially people who are close to you. We think we are so good at hiding things but those who know us know our tells. They know when we are stressed, or preoccupied, or being distant.

If they see these behaviors then your loved one might start to question themselves. Have they done something that has caused you to behave this way? Have they hurt you in some way? They might even ask you about it and when you aren ‘ t honest in return they are left hurt and wondering still.

Their brain and their heart will start arguing and their stomach will start to hurt and their head will threaten to explode. How is hiding this secret protecting them? How is not telling them the truth allowing them to start to heal?

It ‘ s just not.

#5 – You will help change the world.

Secrets are insidious. They can cause damage that seems in the moment and personal but which can be far reaching.

My mother had an affair with a married man for 10 years. He would call and mom would tell me that it was her lawyer (which he was, in fact, a lawyer, but not hers). Soon enough I realized what was going on and also knew that he wasn ‘ t leaving his wife and that my mom was miserable. I suffered from massive guilt that she was home alone and I would come home from college on weekends just to be with her. I was distracted from my life worrying about her. I started drinking and not doing well in school.

Repercussions carried forward into my adult life. I didn ‘ t believe that I should be cared for and therefore cared for everyone else at the expense of myself. My mother ultimately married her man and how I resented him for the years that he left my mother so unhappy. I didn ‘ t trust men and this will forever affect my relationship with them.

And then, at my mother’s funeral, her friends told me stories about my mom and her husband that blew my mind. While he hadn ‘ t left his wife, my mom and her lover were together more often than not. They traveled together extensively, trips I never knew about. They had weekend parties at our house where her husband and his friends would travel from Virginia. They even got married without including us.

All the guilt that I suffered was for naught. My mother was doing just fine. Not perfect, I know, but not as bad as she led me to believe by not telling me the truth.

How different might my life had been, and as a result, perhaps, the life of my ex-husband, my children and their children, if I had known the truth?

Many of us are scared of telling the truth, of the ramifications of our words and our fear that we will be blamed for anything that happens because of our actions.

But really, the best thing, for everyone, is to release those secrets out into the world, let happen what is going to happen, and then let the healing process begin.

So just do it. Stop keeping those secrets bottled up inside. You, and your loved ones, will be better for it.

Are you really struggling with telling the truth?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before it causes more damage.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways To Survive Change – Even if it’s Really Scary

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Things change. You either love it or you hate it. Are you wondering how to survive change even if it’s really scary?

Many people hate it. The prospect of a new job, moving to a new house, leaving a relationship or buying a new car can make those who resist change want to run for the hills.

I love change.

I have spent much of my life-changing things up. I have lived in San Francisco, Maine, Tokyo, Athens, Boulder, Vermont, Sydney, and NYC. Since I graduated from college, I have lived in 17 different homes and have worked in the hotel business, the food industry, retail management, and real estate sales, and now I am a life coach. I have been divorced and lived through my kids going off to college.

I am the person I am today because of opportunities for change that were presented to me throughout my life, ones I chose to pursue. And I love the person I am today.

They say that people who choose change are happier about it. The process can be messy, but once you get through it, life just might be what you have always wanted it to be.

How To Survive Change: 5 Ways

I am here today to help you get through that change so that you can live the life of your dreams.

#1 – Don ‘ t Forget To Breathe:

When presented with the possibility of change many people freeze up. The prospect is so terrifying that their body reacts as it would if faced with the specter of death. And then they run, run for their lives, from that change.

This is when it ‘ s important to remember to breathe. Without breath neither your brain nor your heart can function and making rational choices is impossible.

Think about when you drive by a tractor-trailer on the highway. It ‘ s a scary prospect and you start thinking of all the things that can go wrong. And you hold your breath in anticipation of those things. Next time, try taking a deep breath right before you pass that truck. The breath will calm your body and clear your mind and you will pass it with ease.

It ‘ s the same with change. Try it now. Inhale for 3 seconds, out for 5. Repeat as needed. Your heartbeat will slow and your mind will clear. Very helpful.

#2 – Remember, Change iS GOOD.

Many people are so unaccustomed to change that the prospect seems unbearable. This new thing is going to come in and shake up their lives and they don ‘ t think they can survive it.

But this just isn ‘ t true. We can survive anything. And research shows that most people who make a big change are happier on the other side. Happier. Sounds pretty good, right?

Think about a time earlier in your life when you faced major change. Now think about how you went about it and what the end result was. Was your life ultimately a better place because of that change? Even if things were really messy along the way? Think carefully.

The process can be difficult, and we will address that, but picture yourself on the other side of that change. Life will be different, yes. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.

#3 – Gather Information:

One of the most essential pieces of thriving in the face of change is the gathering of information. It is impossible to make an intelligent move without the right information.

It ‘ s time to make a list – a list of all of the positive things and all of the challenging things about your potential change.

If you are moving will it mean a bigger house? Better weather? A longer drive to school or work? An acre lawn to mow?

If it ‘ s a new job will it be better hours or pay? Will the dress code be challenging? Will your boss be someone much younger than you?

Once you have the list of your perceived pluses and minuses, address each minus individually.

A smaller house might seem a minus, but really a smaller house means less house to clean which would give you more time to do something fun instead.

A younger boss might seem a minus, but really a younger boss could teach you some new skills for the ever-evolving workplace. And the fact that you are older could mean built-in respect because of the years of working experience you bring to the table.

For every one thing that seems negative, there is a corresponding positive. You need to identify what those things are. Once you do you will feel ready to face real, substantial change.

#4 – No Negative Self Talk:

We are our own worst enemies. In the face of change, our brains tell us that we just can ‘ t do it. That we aren ‘ t smart enough or strong enough or that the change will destroy us.

Again, this just isn ‘ t true.

I have a client who has been given an amazing job opportunity. It has been literally placed at her feet and is hers for the taking. And she is struggling to accept it.

She thinks two things:

  1. That people will judge her for changing jobs AGAIN after just two years in her current position.
  2. That she will fail.

I asked her what she would think if she heard of someone switching jobs after 2 years. She said she would think, ‘ Wow. That person is really moving up in the world. She is being recognized for her successes. Good for her. ‘

I asked her to list all the reasons she would fail. Try as she might she couldn ‘ t name one reason. Her brain had been telling her that she would but she couldn ‘ t prove to me that what her brain was saying was true.

Again, our brains can make us our own worst enemies. Recognize that and talk back to that brain. Don ‘ t let it and it ‘ s pesky untruths hold you back.

#5 – Get Excited About The Possibilities:

Take a good look at that list that you made. Of all of the possibilities that your future holds.

Change is a scary thing but really it is also so exciting. You get a chance to do things differently, re-invent yourself, and maybe experience things you haven ‘ t before.

The first steps will most likely be difficult, and scary, but once you get started the sky is the limit. It ‘ s like starting out on a hiking trail and looking up. You wonder how the hell will you get up to the top. And then, when you do, after a fair amount of huffing and puffing, it’s just amazing. The sky is blue, and you can see forever. And looking down you can see how far you have come and feel pretty damn proud of yourself.

I am not saying that the prospect of change isn ‘ t scary and overwhelming. It is scary and will be overwhelming. What I am saying is to embrace it, to look at it as a positive thing even if your first reaction is ‘ not so much. ‘

In my last blog, I wrote about getting divorced. A friend of mine said he was jealous. How lucky I was that I got a chance for a reboot at 46 years old. And that ‘ s what I got. The reboot itself was rather painful, but I was given a new beginning and my life is now amazing. Truly.

I wish this kind of happiness on everyone I know and love. Take a risk. It will be worth it!

Are you struggling with how to survive change?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before it overwhelms you!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Reasons People Becomes Happier After A Divorce

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Can divorce make you happier? Let me tell you a story…

I remember I would wake up in the morning, looking forward to my day, and then would roll over and see the still warm, empty space next to me in bed. My stomach would sink. My husband had gone to the gym and I was glad because that meant I wouldn ‘ t have to see him.

As the day progressed we occasionally talked on the phone, mostly about bills and the kids ‘ schedules and whether he would make it home in time for dinner. Communications about the running of our family business. We were good at that.

I remember seeing his car drive in the driveway every night and thinking, ‘ Ok. This is it. Tonight I am going to hug him and be happy to see him. ‘ And he would walk in the door and go right to the stack of mail and rifle through it, something he knew I hated. There would be a perfunctory kiss, he would get a drink or two, and we would spend the rest of the night operating in parallel, dealing with homework and bedtime.

My husband and I never fought, but we were both desperately unhappy. 18 years of a thousand little cuts, of unresolved conflicts, of the contempt of the familiar, had wrought serious damage.

And even though we barely existed in the same space I really believed that somehow we would find our way back to each other. We had shared dreams for the future after all and how could we let those go?

One day he told me he wanted a divorce. He didn’t want to work on our marriage. He was done.

I was devastated.

What followed was one long year of divorce proceedings. It wasn’t very pleasant. And then it was all over. 18 years of marriage. Done.

Despite all of that, or perhaps because of it, here I am, 6 years later, living a life that is happier than I ever could have imagined. Yes, it is different from the one I thought I would be living with my husband, but it is most notably different because I am happy. Truly happy.

How can that be? Let me go on…

#1 – Your Kids Will Thrive:

The first thing that my son said to me when he learned we were separating was ‘ Good. Because I hate coming home. There is always so much tension. ‘ And this was true. Now, when he comes home, either to me or to his dad ‘ s, his home is cleared of the anger that used to cloud it.

My kids also now have a much better relationship with their dad. Before the divorce, I came between them. They spent more time with me and saw how unhappy I was, and they distanced themselves from him. Now they see their dad separately from me, and it has made them all closer, which is a gift.

Because I talk to them more openly than I did before, and I understand what went wrong with my marriage, my kids have a much clearer picture of what it takes to make a relationship work. That is something that I wish I had had when entering my marriage.

My kids are doing great in more ways than one. And that to me, is the most important thing.

#2 – No More “Thousand Little Cuts.”:

You know what I am talking about. Every day there was some kind of slight, big or small. The mail that was rifled through, the 3rd drink, the coming home late again, the snapping. We were constantly at each other, not overtly, but in ways that caused pain. We had unresolved issues and tons of resentment. We struggled to stay calm in each other’s presence. We lived in the same house but were always lonely.

My days are filled with happiness and contentment that I haven ‘ t known in a long time. I wake up in the morning without that sinking feeling in my stomach. I spend my days working, being with the kids, and living my life without the constant dread of the next little thing coming that would cause me pain.

This has made me a better person and a better mother. And have I mentioned it? Happier.

#3 – New Friendships:

One of the most beautiful parts of my single life is the number of new friendships I have developed.

When married, we tend to insulate ourselves from the rest of the world because of our relationship. We might have friends in other couples, but our primary relationship is with our spouse.

Now I have many friends of all different stripes who make my life fuller every day. And they say that good friendships are the number one cause of sustained happiness. How lucky am I?

#4 – Being Your Own Person:

For years I identified myself as someone ‘ s wife. Yes, I was a successful mom, realtor, and life coach, but every decision that I made about my life was made in consideration of my relationship with my spouse.

Now I live life the way I want to. Yes, I have my obligations to my kids and my job, and the US Treasury Department, but I get to live in a way that makes my heart sing.

I recently moved from Vermont to New York City, have a thriving life coaching business, and volunteer extensively with the National Alliance on Mental Illness. All things that I love.

The life that I am leading makes me happy every day.

#5 – A Life Full of Hope:

When I was married, I was so lonely and sad that I never had any hope for the future. When you live a life mired in unhappiness, positive thoughts for the future are impossible.

Now I know that the sky is the limit. I can have all the personal success I want as long as I am willing to go for it. I have my own business, of which I am proud, my kids are turning into amazing adults, and I have a man I love deeply with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life.

I have been through a lot, but it makes me who I am today. And I love who I am today ‘ ¦

When Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last year, her lawyer said she ‘ did it for the health of her family. ‘ A reporter declared, ‘ Love is Dead. ‘

I would say that love is not dead but very much alive. Angelina, recognizing that her marriage could not be salvaged, made the difficult decision to get out of it for her own health and her family’s health. So that they all could have the chance to be happy again; it is the end of something that wasn’t working and the beginning of something that will. An actual act of love.

I am not saying you should walk out on your marriage, but I encourage you to consider the bigger picture ‘ ¦your happiness and those around you. As I have said before, if you live a life that makes your heart sing, those you love will be better for it.

I am living proof that it happens. The photo at the top of this blog is me!

 

You must be struggling with your divorce if you have read this far.

 

Let me help you NOW so that you can start moving forward with your life!

 

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5 Small Things To Be Grateful For – Even When Life Is Getting You Down

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There some days where it’s really hard to find things to be grateful for, and some days it’s not hard at all.

Two weeks ago, my sister had an emergency appendectomy, and I have spent most of my time with her in Connecticut since then.

My sister has two teenage boys, two dogs, a coop full of chickens, a husband and a preschool to run. She cannot drive or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk for two weeks. So here I am. Being her.

That I can do this, and take some time off from my life in NYC to help her out, makes me feel very grateful. Grateful that I have the kind of career that allows me flexibility with where and when I work. If I couldn ‘ t be here my sister ‘ s illness would have had a far greater impact on her family so I know she is also grateful.

These past weeks have got me thinking about everything I am grateful for in this world. There are many things, big and small that I so appreciate. Life can be challenging, and if it weren ‘ t for the little things, it would sometimes seem unbearable. What kind of little things?

#1 – Comfort Food:

We all have it. That certain something that we love to eat. That something that we fantasize about if the day is going very badly.

For me, it ‘ s Thai food. Whenever I am having a bad day, I promise myself at the end of the day, some Pad Thai will be part of my evening. The prospect calms me down immediately and lifts my spirits.

And of course, the chocolate pudding that I eat for dessert doesn ‘ t hurt either.

And for that, I am grateful.

#2 – Smiles:

Think about that morning when everything went wrong. You woke up late, there was no hot water, your coffee was cold, and you had nothing to wear. Your day was gonna suck.

And then you take the elevator down to the lobby and walk out onto the street, your sunglasses on, prepared to fight the world. You round the corner and almost run into a stranger, a stranger who smiles broadly and says good morning. Reflexively you smile back.

It changes your whole day.

The actual act of smiling, using the muscles to turn your mouth upwards, has been proven to lift your mood. I know that when my kids were little, and I was feeling overwhelmed just smiling at them made me feel better.

And for that, I am grateful.

#3 – The Sun And the Moon:

Imagine a world without the sun. Imagine being unable to turn your face up to it and feeling immediately warmed. Imagine a world without flowers or grass or hummingbirds. Imagine a world where it is always dark. How lucky are we that we have the sun and all the warmth and beauty it brings?

And then there ‘ s the moon. There is nothing like looking up at the night sky and seeing that brilliant light shining down, the orb passing through it ‘ s nightly phases, to truly strike awe. When it ‘ s full, it can turn the night into a magical daytime. When it ‘ s new the world feels safe, held close by the darkness.

When I look at the moon each night I know that those I love who aren ‘ t with me can see that same moon and it makes the world just a little smaller and the love a little brighter.

And for that I am grateful.

#4 – Hot Water:

This is one thing that I never think about until it ‘ s not there. And when it ‘ s not there, I notice.

Think about that shower that you took this morning. Was it almost as important to you as that coffee (made with hot water) you drank right afterward? How about that bathtub you are going to sink into tonight? To soak your weary bones and have a few moments of peace. Lovely.

Hot water keeps our clothes and dishes clean, heats our homes, cooks our pasta and dissolves our sugar. Without hot water, our life would be a much different place.

And I get that cup of tea at the end of the day that warms me to my toes right before I take my bath.

And for that I am grateful.

#5 – My Bed:

Is there anything better in the whole world than one ‘ s bed?

A bed with soft sheets, the perfect number of pillows, and that cozy comforter on a cool night. Heaven.

It ‘ s a place where you can take refuge at the end of an endless day, a place to curl up with your kids, a place where you get to read that fantastic book you fall asleep to every night, a place where you can talk quietly with the one you love, among other things.

No matter how crazy, jam-packed and exhausting my life is, at the end of every day I have my bed.

And for that, I am grateful.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of small things. It is just the beginning.

Stop for a moment. Look around. For what are you grateful?

There are days when life can be almost too much to bear. Take a few minutes to take stock of what you are grateful for. I promise if you do, you will be able to bear it.

Are you struggling with finding things to be grateful for?
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5 TV Shows About Women That You Have Never Heard of and Should See

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The past few weeks I have been going heavy with my blogs but today, in the spirit of fall and the new TV season, I am going to go lighter. There are so many great TV shows about women and I want to share the joy.

I LOVE TV. Love it. I think the variety of spectacular offerings on both network and cable TV has changed our lives and our culture in many ways. And not just because of the hours we lose binge watching.

(One of my favorite ads for Netflix ‘ ¦10:45. Otherwise known as ‘ time for one more ‘ ¦ ‘ )

TV today takes us places that we have never been before. It makes our hearts beat faster and our minds race. It lets us into the lives and minds of a myriad of unfamiliar characters. It allows us insight that might not have been possible before. All from the comfort of our couches.

With that in mind I was considering my favorite shows. Top two: Sons of Anarchy and The Walking Dead. Yes, bikers and zombies. People look at me like I have two heads when I say that.

Sometimes I wonder too, particularly because there are so many amazing TV shows written for and about women. Shows that are wonderful and perfect for bingeing.

#1 – Masters of Sex.

Set in the 1950s and 60s, the show follows the research and relationship of two of the pioneering researchers of human sexuality, Virginia Johnson and Bill Masters. Over the four season arc we witness first hand what it was, and was not, to be a sexual woman back in the day.

What did their research prove? That women could have orgasms and needed sex as much as men. That foreplay was an integral part of sexual pleasure. That it was not only okay for women to use birth control but necessary to give them the freedom to succeed on their own terms.

Was their research well received? Not so much.

In these days, when pornography is just another thing on your platform of choice, the sexual naivete of the time seems incredible. But all women should see it, to revel in how far we have come in just few decades.

#2 – Casual.

This TV show is about a middle-aged women, Valerie, whose husband trades her in for a younger model. She and her teen-aged daughter, Laura, move in with her brother, Alex, the owner of a matchmaking start-up who is totally dumbfounded by relationships of any kind.

The show is multi-faceted. It covers the at times dysfunctional relationships that exist in families and also digs into the scary and often intimidating world of dating and sex in 2016.

It is alternatively hilarious and devastatingly sad but the half hour episodes are each one a gem on their own.

#3 – Unreal.

The premise for this TV show is brilliant. It goes behind the scenes of a Bachelor-like reality TV show and gets into the minds of it ‘ s two female producers, Quinn and her protégé Rachel.

This show is hilarious in it ‘ s portrayal of the real world of reality TV but is also a picture window sized view into the heads of the two highly ambitious women, both of them deeply flawed, who will do anything to get what they want.

Over two seasons we see them manipulate the suitor, the contestants, each other and those who work with them to make the story completely their own. And that story is at times, literally, deadly.

That these women are capable of what they do, while simultaneously seeking love and happiness in their personal lives, is mind-boggling. And not entirely surprising.

It is a cautionary tale in many ways. And a guilty pleasure.

#4 – Nurse Jackie.

This incredible TV show stars Edie Falco, the talented actress behind Carmela Soprano in The Sopranos.

Edie plays Nurse Jackie, a wife, a mother and the best ER nurse at All Saint ‘ s Hospital in NYC. She is also a drug addict.

Over the seven season arc we see Jackie as she alternately soars and falls. She is a remarkably talented and empathetic nurse but her drug abuse causes her to lie, cheat and steal. And while she pulls off her double life for a while ultimately it all catches up to her.

Nurse Jackie is a real woman, with all of the issues and challenges of a real woman in this world, and one with a natural talent for giving back in a life changing way. That she lives with a secret is no different from all of us. And, as we all know, secrets can be our undoing.

#5 – Big Love.

This is the story of a Morman family, Bill Henrickson and his three wives, Barb, Nickie and Margie, who live in the suburbs of Salt Lake City: . This is a man with three families in three houses all next door to each other, a man with three times the joys and heartbreak that having even one wife can bring.

It is also the story of a polygamist sect that lives off the grid in the desert and is led by a charismatic old man, Bill ‘ s father, who has many young wives and dabbles in crime and treachery.

The juxtaposition, and overlap, of these two stories, of suburban domestic life and life in a cult, makes for fascinating TV. Even more fascinating, and at time more dangerous, is the relationship between the three wives, three women sharing a man and a marriage.

Take a moment and think about the reality of that situation.

Women are complicated. We bring so much love and grace into the world but also have a unique ability to shake everything up, in good ways and bad.

That TV these days presents these women, with all of their faults and virtues, is a gift. Gone are the days of Carol Brady and Laura Petrie, two one-dimensional characters who play off the multi-dimensions of their husbands. We are many things but we are not one-dimensional.

Every woman should watch these shows. Enjoy them. Learn from them. Tell your friends about them. Indulge.

You have my permission. Go for it!

Are you struggling with finding some good TV to distract you.
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5 Things to Do Now Summer is Over

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Two days of the year mark major times of transition – Labor Day and New Year ‘ s Day.

Both days mark the end of a season and the beginning of a period when things shift. Both days are full of the possibilities of great things to come.

Labor Day just happened, which means one question – what kind of things to do now that summer is over?

It ‘ s important not to let this time of transition slip by you without standing still and taking notes. Times of transition are when important things happen. Who wants to miss out on that?

So pay attention. Life is short. Don ‘ t let it pass you by.Here is my latest…

#1 – Take A Deep Breath:

Summer is always a crazy time. School is out, and routines are broken. The weather is great, and you want to be outside. There are BBQs with friends and family reunions. The kids are out of school, and you are all running from activity to activity.

And now it’s over. You must pause, if only for a moment but hopefully more, and take a deep breath.

Think about your summer. What was joyous, and what was not so much? Think about the time spent with family and friends. Think about the conversations and insights, and experiences that you had.

Remember, consider, and relish the summer of 2016.

Why? Because what happened this summer could influence what comes next for you. In many ways, you are not the same person you were on July 4th.

#2 – Choose A Room And Clean It Out:

Nothing helps clear the head during the transition, like cleaning a room. Something about the energy of throwing away all that stuff works wonders for gaining some clarity and vision.

So choose a room, the laundry room, the closet, or the garage. Allot a few hours on a Saturday and go at it.

Choose a corner of the room, a garbage bag in hand, and throw things away. Things that you aren ‘ t using that are broken, that are expired. Put them in that garbage bag. Things you are still using and keeping get placed back where they belong.

If you aren ‘ t sure whether or not something needs to be thrown out, consider when the last time was that you touched that thing or even thought about it. If it was over 3 months ago, it ‘ s gone. Acknowledge and be thankful for its role in your life, and then say goodbye.

Work your way around the room, repeating this process. Don ‘ t skip ahead. Do all four sides of the room.

When you are done, notice where you are; you will feel lighter and more clearheaded about what you want. And later on, if you start to feel overwhelmed, visit that cleaned-out room. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Take A Good Hard Look At What You Want For Your Life:

Every year at New Year we make resolutions. Resolutions about how things are going to be different this year. We will be happier. We will be nicer to our spouses. We will excel at work.

More often than not, those resolutions fall by the wayside.

One big reason that resolutions fail is that we make them without looking at how they fit into our lives. Can we decide to be happier? To be nicer to our spouse? To be more patient at work? Not so much.

To stick to a resolution, you have to define how you can make changes within the parameters of your life. To be happier, you need to know what makes you unhappy. To be nicer to your spouse, you must examine why you aren ‘ t nice to them now. And why ARE you so impatient with your co-workers?

Take some time and identify where you are in your life. Are you living a life that makes you happy? That makes you proud? Is that consistent with the life goals you set for yourself when you were younger?

Make resolutions for the fall. And examine how you can make them stick. Remember, now is your time.

#4 – Make A List of What Next Steps To Take:

A big part of keeping your resolutions is listing what will help you stick to them. To live the life of your dreams.

Would being happier mean that you spend an hour a day painting? Or perhaps mentoring a child in need? Or dancing around the kitchen before dinner?

What would have to happen for you to be nicer to your spouse? Would identifying what makes you unkind be a good first step?

Would take a deep breath before speaking help? Perhaps recognizing that you need to take a bigger approach and seek counseling?

And what about your patience at work? Is it a pesky co-worker or boss? Is it boredom or frustration? Would working on your resume so you can transition to a new job make it better?

Make a list. Think about those resolutions and picture how you can make them happen. And then write it down. And then read it. And then take action.

You can do it!

#5 – Do Something Really Fun For Yourself:

Yes, I have challenged you to reach for some lofty goals. And I hope you will take me up on the challenge.

But first, do something for yourself. Something that makes your heart sing. It can be anything.

Reread the whole Harry Potter series. Buy every kind of Ben and Jerry ‘ s and try a new flavor every night. Go to Victoria ‘ s Secret and buy something that makes you feel great. Take your car out on a back road and drive fast, sun-roof open, music blaring.

The sky is the limit. And it ‘ s yours for the taking.

Summer was wonderful and is now over. Fall and winter approach.

Take the time to look at your life and make sure you are consciously doing things now that summer is over but also make sure you take care of yourself along the way.

Remember. You only have one life to live. Make sure that it ‘ s the life you have always wanted. Full of joy, purpose, and love.

Looking for more ideas about living the life of your dreams? Contact me now, and let’s get started.

5 Reasons Why Women Should Vote In US Elections

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I have spoken with many women how have said that they just aren ‘ t going to vote. I always respond, ‘ But you have to! ‘

According to exit polls, 53 percent of people who voted in the 2012 election were women. In most states, more women than men are registered to vote, and there is a much higher turnout rate for women at the polls.

These numbers mean power. And it’s time for women to wield that power.

#1 – To honor the women who came before:

The battle for a woman ‘ s right to vote started in the early 1800s with Susan B. Anthony and Lucretia Mott, among others, working hard to establish women ‘ s equality with men.

For almost 100 years, women fought for that equality, part of which was the right to vote. They were humiliated and discriminated against, the subject of derision and sometimes violence for their efforts. They didn ‘ t give up. Even when imprisoned and forced to hunger strike, these women fought on.

It wasn ‘ t until 1920 that the US government passed the 19th Amendment, granting women the right to vote. Even so, many states didn ‘ t ratify the amendment for years. Mississippi didn ‘ t do so until 1984, 60 years later and only 32 years ago.

32 years ago, women in Mississippi could not vote.

Don ‘ t take a right to vote for granted. It was hard fought for, and we women must proudly exercise our rights.

#2 – To honor the women we are now:

Much is being said these days about the persistent lack of equality for women worldwide. Women make less money on the dollar than men in the workplace. Ambitious women are labeled ‘ bitches. ‘ Women are discriminated against for getting pregnant or caring for children. Women are subjected to emotional and physical abuse by bosses and husbands.

It is time for this to end. And it will only end if we women take a stand.

In her book Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg talks about how women are held back but also how we hold ourselves back. She makes the argument that women need to advocate more for themselves, to believe themselves equal to men, to not allow discrimination to hold them back from anything.

She says that it is up to us to change our stars. No one else will do it for us.

Voting is one way for us to do this, to ‘ Lean In.” We have the right to vote. We have the right to have a say in our nation’s politics. We have the right to use our voices, which we often only whisper with, to bring about real change.

#3 – Because every vote counts:

I know it doesn ‘ t seem that way. Presidents have been elected, although they didn ‘ t win the popular vote. But your vote matters, particularly in your home state.

Each state has a different number of electoral votes, which is based on the total of all of its representatives in Congress, both in the House of Representatives and the Senate. A candidate needs 270 of those electoral votes to win the presidency.

In most states, for a candidate to win that state and its corresponding electoral votes, he or she must receive the majority of the popular vote. This is where your vote counts. Your vote will contribute towards a candidate winning or losing, a state which will determine the outcome of the presidential campaign.

If you don ‘ t cast your vote, your candidate could lose your state and, ultimately, the presidency.

#4 – Because important women ‘ s issues are now at stake:

More than ever, important women ‘ s issues are at stake, and the next president could have a huge hand in which direction those women ‘ s issues go.

At issue right now is:
*A woman ‘ s right to access Planned Parenthood
*Paid family leave
*Income equality
*Minimum wage increases
*Debt-free education

The outcome of these issues will greatly impact our lives and the lives of our daughters and granddaughters. We can ‘ t just sit back and think that ‘ everyone else ‘ will do this. We need to exercise our right to make a real difference by voting.

#5 – To set a good example for our children:

I remember in 1976; my mother took me with her to vote. It was the year that Jimmy Carter was running against Gerald Ford. This was not a campaign that had electrified the nation.

I remember driving to the voting booth and my mother telling me about my great-grandmother (and namesake), who fought for the right to vote, and how her lawyer husband fought alongside her (and got her out of jail when imprisoned). She impressed upon me the importance of voting out of respect for our grandmothers and those who fought alongside them.

I went into the voting booth with her and watched her cast her vote. And we got ‘ I VOTED ‘ stickers afterwards, which was huge.

Our children increasingly take a right to vote for granted and are disillusioned by modern politics. We need to teach them to demonstrate to them how important this fundamental American right is.

And how by doing so they can make a real difference.

Every American has the right to vote, which shouldn ‘ t be ignored, dismissed, or taken for granted. Without it our country would be a different place.

And we women have the power to change things in so many ways. Voting is one of them. So get out and vote this year.

Let’s change the world!

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