5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper

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How many times have you wanted to say something and just haven ‘ t? A great idea you had at work, frustration with your mother-in-law, words of anger at someone who treated you badly? You open your mouth to speak, and nothing comes out.

More than once, I am guessing. Correct?

And how does it make you feel? Not so good, right?

There are 405,358 reasons to speak up. Here are 5 of them.

My latest: 5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper.

#1 – Spoken words prompt action.

If your words are in your head, not spoken, they will stay there, out of the light, ignored, and irrelevant. Wasted.

Letting your thoughts out into the world can and will prompt action.

I had a client who was talking to her boss about a Huffington Post blog that the company managed. My client remarked that she didn ‘ t know about the blog, and her boss said that it had been neglected and was not in use.

My client immediately thought, “I want to do it.” And then she sat up, and she said, ‘ I will do it. ‘

She now writes weekly for the Huffington Post.

Not too shabby for letting a few words out of her head, eh?

#2 – Words stuck in your head can fester.

For me, unspoken words don ‘ t just sit quietly in my head. They take on a life of their own, playing themselves over and over, sometimes shifting in size and shape, forming and reforming into something that can be almost monstrous. And that monster causes me a lot of pain.

My ex-husband has an incredibly frustrating habit of not returning my emails. For 5 years, I have been trying to get him to return my emails, and he just can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, do it.

For a long while, I didn ‘ t speak up about it. I would patiently wait a few days, hoping for the best. And then I would start thinking about it, wondering what he was so busy doing that he couldn ‘ t get back to me.

And then I would start obsessing about it, wondering why he had so little respect for me that he wouldn ‘ t take a few minutes to return my emails. The thoughts in my head were spinning in a truly ugly, self-destructive way.

I would email him again, angry and accusing. And guess what. He still wouldn ‘ t return my emails.

So now, when I email him, I ask him to respond in a certain window of time. More often than not he obliges and on we go.

Asking for what I needed from him helped keep those festering words from destroying my mental wellness and, ultimately, our relationship.

#3 – Words can keep disagreements from spinning out of control.

One of the saddest side effects of not speaking up is the pain that can happen because of disagreements. Disagreements can happen just because of words that are not spoken.

Think about the last time you and your partner fought. You were standing in the kitchen, having a conversation about something inconsequential, and then something came up that upset one or both of you. Before you knew it you were yelling at each other, and someone stormed out of the room.

That night your partner slept on the sofa, and you didn ‘ t sleep at all. Breakfast the next day was a nightmare and you couldn ‘ t concentrate all day at work. Not good.

Imagine another scenario. You and your partner, in the kitchen, something comes up and you start yelling. Imagine if, instead of storming out of the room, you stand your ground and continue to talk.

Imagine if, because you actually had the conversation that needed to be had and you worked through your differences, the argument was settled and finished for good, and you were able to then head upstairs for a little ‘ House of Cards ‘ before bed.

Both of you slept like babies because the words have been said, and the issue settled.

Which one sounds better to you?

#4 – Speaking out helps build your self-esteem.

There is nothing better than speaking up about something that you think is important to speak up about. Not only does it create action, keep things from festering, and stop disagreements in their tracks, but it also makes you see the power that you have with your words.

A client of mine was in a situation where there were 4 tickets to her daughter ‘ s graduation. Three would be used for her son and her ex-husband, and herself. The fourth was up for grabs.

Historically, my client would have wanted to keep the peace and given the ticket to her husband ‘ s new wife. But, really, she just didn ‘ t want to do that, so she decided to speak up. She told her daughter that she didn’t want the ticket to just go right to her dad’s husband but that they talk about to whom it might go. Her daughter said, ‘ I tell you what, I will just bring my friend Nina ‘ and the matter settled.

My client not only felt great about speaking up and advocating for herself, but she also could relax into the knowledge that she would be able to fully enjoy her daughter ‘ s big day without the self-recrimination created because of words that she hadn ‘ t spoken.

#5 – How else can you change the world?

Really, if people didn ‘ t speak up, how would we be able to change the world?

All it takes is one idea. Big or little. And the effects can be far-reaching. Of course, you can tell yourself that your one little idea won ‘ t make a difference, but it can!

A client had a college-aged son who was drinking too much. She didn ‘ t know what to do. She talked to him and talked to him, to no avail. And then she had an idea. ‘ Give him the dog. ‘ She knew her son loved that dog and she knew that the responsibility of keeping it alive would be an important thing for him.

But she wasn ‘ t sure about asking him. Would he think it too much responsibility? Would her ex-husband cut the idea to shreds? Would everyone hate her for being so nosy?

She decided to take the risk and spoke up. She told him that it was time, that he was ready to have the responsibility of the dog. He loved the idea. The look on his face when he heard that she thought him responsible enough was totally worth the risk.

The dog now spends long weekends with her son and he is drinking far less.

She had an idea and she shared it. And it could very well change the life of her whole family and that of future families. What a gift.

So there you go. My 5 Reasons to Speak Up.
Speaking up is not an easy thing. We don ‘ t speak up because of fear, or lack of confidence or a lifetime of not knowing how to do anything differently. If we learn to speak up it will get us straight onto the pathway to living the life of our dreams.

So start small. Today. Tell someone something that you might not ordinarily tell them.

Tell your partner you love them. You’re child that you are proud of them. Your boss says that you have a great idea for that meeting next week. Your mother-in-law that you love having dinner with them but that this week just won ‘ t work because you have tickets to the Nutcracker for your family.

Speak your truth, big or small. Raise your voice above a whisper.

Change the world.

Looking for more ways to speak up? Contact me and I can help!

 

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On

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Relationships and love. Everyone says, and, I think, truly believes, that without love, the world just doesn ‘ t go around. Love is a powerful thing that makes everything a little shinier. We all want it.

And yet, ironically, it is relationships that are usually the first thing to be set aside as we live these chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting lives. Work, kids, and exercise, all come first, leaving love sitting on the sidelines, lonely and neglected.

Doing the work that I have done for years with clients, and living my life, has given me a tremendous amount of insight into the damage we do, more often than not unwittingly. I want to share that insight with you today.

Here is my latest, 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On.

#1 – Keep your promises.

Promises. They are usually made with such good intentions but when they are broken there can be disastrous consequences.

Promises have to do with trust. If you make a promise and don ‘ t keep it then trust is lost. It ‘ s better to not make a promise that you can ‘ t keep then continue to break ones that you do.

I have a client whose boyfriend kept promising her that she could meet his kids. And yet every time a meeting was set up there was always an excuse about why it couldn’t happen. Eventually, she stopped wanting to meet his kids, and, ultimately, she stopped wanting to be with him.

Her trust in him had been lost. And without trust, what is there?

Make your promises carefully. Remember how important they are for maintaining trust. And love.

#2 – Make your limited time quality time.

Yes, we are all busy, with lots on our minds and many pressures. But it is important to take a few minutes to connect with your partner. Not a quick phone call between meetings, talking about yourself and your worries, but a real connection.

Next time you are together, take a moment and look at your partner and ask them how they are doing. Listen to them without interrupting. Don ‘ t try to fix anything, just listen.

Listening without judgment is very powerful. Letting your partner know they are cared about, and being heard, is a powerful way to express love. And knowing how your partner is doing will only make you feel closer.

#3 – Use your words.

How many times has a client said to me ‘ I don ‘ t have to tell him I love him. He knows. ‘

Thousands, I am afraid.

Think back to the last time that your partner told you that you were beautiful, or sexy, or that they loved your laugh. Even if you have heard it from them a million times didn ‘ t it make you feel great?

Words are very powerful. Use them for good. And for love.

#4 – Touch, touch, touch, touch.

One cannot underestimate the importance of the power of touch. I am not talking about sexual touch (although it ‘ s power should not be discounted) but simple affectionate touch.

A hug, holding hands, a kiss, a light pat on the butt. These are all examples of physical affection that can keep you bonded to your partner every day.

Did you know that a hug produces oxytocin, a chemical known to enhance mood? That a pat on the butt can make someone feel sexy and wanted? That holding hands as you walk down the street makes you feel like you can take on the world? Don’t even get me started on kissing…

So reach out and touch your partner today. Don’t make them ask for it. It ‘ s quick, easy and fun, with huge payoffs.

#5 – Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

Let me state that one again. Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

When we first fall in love our attention is completely focused on that one person. But as time goes by we get distracted by life and we can start to neglect the one we love. We know they are there, and we assume that they will always be there, so we stop tending the relationship. And the consequences can again be disastrous.

This I can tell you from personal experience. No matter how awful I was to him, my husband always promised me that he would never leave me. I didn ‘ t mean to, but because of this I took him for granted and while I planned to change my behaviour I never quite made it happen.

And guess what. He left me.

So pay attention to that person in bed next to you. One day they just might be gone, and where would you be then?

There you go, my 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid.

‘ There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved, ‘ said George Sands 100 years ago. And nothing today has changed. We can succeed in our careers, be as fit as a 20-year-old and have the perfect golf game but without love what does it all matter?

I know that if I had followed my advice (if I had known it then), my marriage might have had a chance. I certainly regret not working harder at changing those behaviours.

So don’t let love live on the sidelines. Bring it out to the centre field, into the sunshine, where it can be all it can be. You can do it.

Look for more help tending your relationship. Contact me, and I can help.

 

5 Ways to be Happier Quickly – Even if Your Default is Usually Crabbiness

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We all just want to be happy. That is my life goal. It has been proven that when people are happy their health improves, their skin brightens, their attention span strengthens, and they have more success at work and at home.

All of that sounds wonderful, doesn ‘ t it?

But how, in this chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting world, do we find happiness? It seems like such a long-term goal, something we have to really work towards, not something that is accessible right now.

I am here to tell you that you can be happier NOW, just by tweaking a few things in your life.

#1 – Forget positivity. Focus on the negative.

Everyone tells us these days that in order to be happy we must practice mindfulness, live in the moment, focus on the positive. While those ideas have their place, I think that the best way to be happier is by focusing on our negative thoughts.

You know those thoughts. The ones that tell you that you are worthless or ugly or unlovable? Yes, those ones. They aren ‘ t comfortable in our body and yet how easily they settle in for a long visit.

Try this. Next time you tell yourself that you are unlovable pull out a piece of paper and write a list of everyone who loves you. When you tell yourself you are ugly go look at your profile picture on Facebook, you know that one in which you look AWESOME. When you tell yourself you are worthless, call your mother. She will remind you how worthless you are not.

I suggest that if we push back against, and argue with, those negative thoughts it will bring about quicker change than focusing on the positive.

Because, really, it ‘ s very hard to access those positive thoughts when we are unhappy. The negative ones, however, are right there for the plucking.

#2 – Smile.

Smiling seems like such a small thing but it ‘ s not. Did you know that when we use the muscles in our face to form a smile instead of a frown we actually change our chemistry, releasing dopamine into our system which allows for an immediately improved mood.

I know that when my kids were little and I was drowning in the chaos that was my life, smiling at them made my day just a little brighter, if only for a few minutes. And then I smiled at them again because I just couldn ‘ t resist and there I was, happy again. So I did it all day long. Or tried to.

#3 – Lots of lovin ‘ .

Yes, I know. Sex is great. Really great. But what I am talking about here is physical affection.

Did you know that hugging is one of the best things you can do in your life, for a variety of reasons? A brief hug produces oxytocin which helps reduce anxiety. A prolonged hug produces serotonin which leads to increased happiness. Hugging relaxes the muscles and reduces tension. Skin-to-skin contact calms down the nervous system.

So hug your friends, your kids, your family members, and someone who looks sad. Hug away. It ‘ s quick and painless.

That being said, a good orgasm releases enough dopamine to guarantee you 5-7 hours of happiness. Really.

#4 – Watch a scary movie or an action flick. Or go skydiving.

So this is an interesting thing. Whenever I am feeling blue, I love to watch The Walking Dead. I know. And yes, I am a grown woman. I never understood why until recently.

When we watch a scary movie or an action flick our body actually produces adrenaline, and that rush of adrenaline makes us happier. When I watch The Walking Dead I get a full hour’s dose of adrenaline which can last me well into the night.

Skydiving, helicopter skiing and swimming with sharks have the same results, but they aren ‘ t quite as accessible on a Wednesday night after work. But try them as well if presented with the opportunity.

#5 – Give back. In big ways and small.

Really it doesn ‘ t take much to give back to the world.

We all have excuses about why we can ‘ t volunteer – that we are ‘ just too busy ‘ is usually the first one that comes out of our mouths.

But, really, you can give back to the world, every day, in small ways.

Last week I ran into a woman on the streets of NYC. It was early morning and we were walking our dogs. I complimented her on her clogs, footwear that is rarely seen here in the city. We chatted about clogs for a bit, and I bid her good morning. She said that me reaching out to her ‘ made her day. ‘ That I made her feel good made me feel good.

So reach out to someone every day. That crabby person running the register smiles at them. Open the door for someone just because. Make (or buy) cookies and bring them to work.

Just thinking about doing good can make all the difference. Doesn ‘ t it just make you feel good thinking about bringing cookies to work? For many reasons ‘ ¦.

We all just want to be happy. And I would encourage you to contact me, the ultimate life coach, to help you work towards that goal. But there are things that you can do in the meantime, right now, to elevate your mood.

Whoever designed human beings installed mechanisms for maintaining mood and keeping us healthy and alive, we modern humans have a tough time accessing those mechanisms because we have forgotten they are there.

I have just reminded you. Go forth and use them. Be happy.

Do you want to be happier, quickly?

Let me help you, NOW, and you can start loving your life today!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to be More Productive – Even if You Never Have Been Before

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Lack of productivity can be very destructive. It can lead to overwhelm, which can be paralyzing, and it can be very demoralizing, leading to low self-esteem.

Neither of those things helps you live the life of your dreams.

There is a myriad of reasons why my clients seek me out to be their life coach, but most often, a piece of it is that they need some help with productivity. I am happy to report that, without exception, those clients who were willing to take on their low productivity reported a dramatic change after just a few weeks of working with me.

Today I am going to share with you the work that I have done with my clients so you can learn about being more productive.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to be More Productive – Even if You Have Never Been Before.

#1 – Identity what it is you want. Precisely.

Many of my clients come to me with an idea of what they want from their life. A new job, a better marriage, improved relations with co-workers, and how to move forward differently. What many of those clients haven’t done is identity what exactly it is they want. Without that knowledge moving forward is impossible.

I have a client who came to me because she was miserable in her job for 15 years, but she just didn’t know what to do. She had tried to make adjustments at work to be happier, but to no avail. She was stuck with what to do next. Paralyzed, in fact.

I asked her where she would go if she left her job. She had no idea. She knew that she wanted out, but she had given no thought to where she would like to jump. And, I asked, how would you get to that new place? Again, my question was met with silence.

The next part was quick and easy. We brainstormed new career paths and ideas that made her heart sing. We then cleaned up her resume to reflect the new job she sought. Next, she researched job opportunities and applied for those jobs. Within a few weeks, she had some interviews and soon found her dream job.

All this because she identified precisely where she wanted to go. Without concrete information, you are stuck. She was. And then she wasn ‘ t.

#2 – Set goals.

Once you know what it is you want to do, it’s time to set goals.

I have a client who created a website, and she has been working on its blog for almost a year. She had been tweaking and re-tweaking and then walking away, bored and frustrated, only to eventually come back and tweak it some more.

I asked her how determined she was to get this blog onto her site. On a scale of 1-10. 10, she said. So we set a date. A date one month later. She put it on her calendar.

One month later, after years in the process, her blog was up after having set goals with me and making a plan.

Was she proud? Did her self-esteem go through the roof? Yes, and yes. Awesome!

#3 – Make a plan.

Having a plan is an essential part of being productive. Without a plan, you are stabbing about in the dark.

I have a client who HATED going to the grocery store. HATED it. So she didn’t. As a result, she didn’t eat well and always felt weak.

I asked her why she hated the grocery store. She said the noise and the lights were annoying, things were hard to find, she never had time to find recipes to make, and she didn’t want to spend the money. All valid reasons.

So we made a plan. First, we skipped the recipes. I had her make a list of things she knew how to cook and what she liked to eat. She made a list using those things as a basis, and I helped her organize her list into groups related to grocery store areas. We made a plan of when she could go at times when it was less crowded. She also decided to wear her headphones so the noise was less daunting.

Last but not least, we set a specific date and time. And when she was done shopping, she had to call me. And you know what? She did it. She has food. She feels better. And she did it again the next week.

#4 – Have a great calendar and use it wisely.

I had a client who had the loftiest goals, but she didn’t believe herself capable of following through on anything. As a result, nothing ever got done.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night, we made a calendar for her for the week. In red were the things that she HAD to do on it. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half-hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her chequebook, cleaning out closets, and making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency arose and she couldn ‘ t do a red item, she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn’t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black wire things tended to get done because they were last minute, and she was able to get them done because that’s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would check on her, so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks, but using her calendar allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized she wanted to keep doing this on her own because she liked how she felt and didn’t want to let herself down. So she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find someone to hold you accountable.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don’t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you, but more often than not, those people will lean towards supporting you, listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track for productivity ‘ s sake and building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is its effect on your self-esteem. My client is always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done; they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

So there you go, my 5 Ways to be More Productive.

Our lives are crazy, jam-packed and exhausting. Not being productive can cause overwhelm and lead you down a path that makes it all worse.

It doesn ‘ t have to be this way. There are ways to be productive and make one ‘ s life less exhausting. As you can see above, my clients prove it can be done.

You can do it too!

Need more tips on being more productive? Contact me, and I can help.

5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win

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You know how sometimes it just hits you? You have so much going on in your life that you aren ‘ t sleeping at all. Your work is suffering, your relationships are fraught with tension, bills are going unpaid, and you have eaten an entire box of Oreos every night this week.

And then one more thing gets piled on top, and that ‘ s it. The camel’s back is broken. Your heart starts racing, your brain fills with cotton, you get dizzy, and you can ‘ t breathe. You are officially overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed makes you feel literally paralyzed. It prevents you from moving forward in any meaningful way. It prevents you from moving forward at all. You are simply there, in a vortex, circling the drain. Not good.

I know it doesn’t feel that way, but there are definitely ways to survive it. One step at a time.

The first step – is awareness. Always key. Know what it is you are feeling – overwhelm. Once you know what it is, you can proceed.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win.

#1 – Breathe

When we are stressed out, we hold our breath. There is a physiological reason we hold our breath: increased tension in the muscles responsible for breathing. These include the thoracic diaphragm and some of the abdominal, chest, neck and shoulder muscles. When we are stressed, these muscles contract, and breathing stops. Not ideal.

The manner in which we breathe influences our entire being: our mental-emotional states, the nervous system, hormonal balance, muscular tension, and all the functions of body and mind. When we hold our breath our overwhelm will only get worse, not better.

When you are overwhelmed, remember to breathe. Sit up straight and wear clothes that don ‘ t restrict your abdomen (or loosen those jeans). Breathe deeply in, through your nose, for 3 seconds, pulling air down into your diaphragm. Exhale through your nose for 5 seconds. Repeat this series for 5 minutes.

You will start to feel better right away. Physiology declares it be so.

#2 – Walk Away

When you are sitting at your desk, paralyzed and completely overwhelmed by all that is on your plate, it is time to get up and move around.

In addition to breathing, clearing your head is an essential way to beat overwhelmed. Just sitting there staring at all of your stuff, or replaying all sorts of negative tapes in your head, will get you nowhere.

So go for a walk around the block or around the cubicles in the office. Go up and down a few flights of stairs. Do some stretches. Walk over to someone ‘ s desk or house, and have a quick chat. Give your partner a long hug. Have a good laugh. Anything that will get your mind off of your stuff, even for a few minutes.

Sometimes just a little break can make all of the difference.

#3 – Eat a Good Meal

Remember the aforementioned Oreos? Yes, they are yummy going down, but nutritionally, they do you no good at all.

What you need when you are overwhelmed is a good dose of protein, some carbs, and a few healthy fats.

In the short term, a good meal will help your brain work better, help keep your breathing and your heart rate moderate and allow you to get past the overwhelm.

In the long term, your body will be stronger because you feed it healthy food. And when you are stronger, you can better prevent overwhelm from happening in the first place.

Try a turkey sandwich on toasted rye bread with some Swiss cheese and cole slaw. If you don’t have time to sit down, feast on some mixed nuts (walnuts, cashews, and almonds) and an apple. Add water. Or try a smoothie with coconut milk, flax, and chia seeds, an avocado, and some berries. Truly yummy.

#4 – Take a Nap

Yeah, right, you say. A nap! Ha. You have WAY too much to do to take a nap.

Taking a nap can change everything. It will help your brain quiet for a bit, restore your body and enable you to think more clearly to get through this tough time.

It doesn ‘ t have to be a long nap. Close your shades and pull a blanket over your fully clothed self and set the alarm for 30 minutes. That will give you 10 minutes to fall asleep and 20 minutes to sleep.

You will wake up refreshed and ready to plunge ahead. Really.

#5 – Make a Plan

Before you take, this step do at least one of the steps above. You need to manage your body ‘ s reaction to the overwhelm before you can take action to fix it.

One of the reasons that we get overwhelmed is that we feel we have no control over the things that are causing that overwhelm. It ‘ s time to regain some.

Sit down and make a list of everything that you have to do. Everything.

Now review that list and pick out 5 things that need to be done immediately. From that list of 5 break it down again, this time prioritizing. These are the things that you are going to do first. You will ignore the other things on the list, and I mean IGNORE, until those first things are done.

Give yourself a deadline to get each of those things done. There might be an external deadline already in place but if it ‘ s something with no deadline give yourself one. Give yourself an hour or a day but give yourself a deadline and stick to it.

When you have completed all of the items on the first list go back to your original list and add new things, if necessary. Pick out the next 5 things that need to be done immediately. Repeat the process above.

Take control of your life instead of letting your life control you, and you will beat overwhelm. I promise.

So there you go, my 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm.

Unfortunately, overwhelm is not uncommon in this chaotic, jam-packed, and exhausting modern life in which we live. Almost every one of my clients reports having it at some point, often more than once. But there are ways to beat it back and maybe even prevent it from happening at all.

So breathe, move, eat, sleep, and organize. You just might find it will change your life.

Looking for more ways to overcome overwhelm? Contact me, and I can help!

5 Ways to Help You Ride Out the Early Winter Blues

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This week I was SO crabby with the man in my life. For no real reason. I picked fights and nudged and nagged. It wasn ‘ t pretty. And, when asked why, I couldn ‘ t answer. Why was I crabby?

And then I realized. The temperatures dropped significantly this week. And I was depressed. Seasonally depressed.

“Oh man.” I thought. “Here we go again.”

Luckily, I have a bag of tricks that I turn to when I get depressed. They work almost every time.

#1 – Take a good hard look at how you are feeling.

This is very important. Be aware of why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

For Me, this week I seemed mad at my guy. But I wasn ‘ t. I was sad because the weather had turned cold. It happens to me every year.

Pay attention to your blues. Are they the result of something that happened? A conversation or an event that went wrong? Or did they just appear overnight? And how long have they lasted? A day? A week? A month?

If your sadness is not the result of something specific and has lasted for more than a few days, it might be time to see your doctor. Depression can be a serious disease and catching it early is the best way to deal with it.

#2 – Talk back to that brain of yours.

I have said this before and I will say it again. When your brain starts telling you things that don ‘ t make you feel good SHUT IT DOWN.

Our brains are hardwired to be our worst enemies. When you start feeling sad your brain goes into overdrive to sustain that sadness. It tells you that you are fat and you believe it. It tells you that you are worthless and you believe it. And when you are sad your brain will only tell you things that will make you sadder.

That ‘ s how it works – UNLESS you tell your brain to back off.

When you hear your brain telling you that you will never amount to anything, recognize that your brain is telling you this from a place of sadness. If you were in a better place, a place of happiness, your brain would not be saying this to you. It would be telling you that the sky is the limit.

So, when you are sad, question every negative thought that comes into your brain. And then talk back to it very firmly. Say to it ‘ Of course I am going to be something…look at how far I have already come.”

#3 – Get enough Vitamin D and sunshine.

The human body gets Vitamin D from sunshine. Yes, it is also in fortified milk and a few other foods but really the main source for us is sunshine. And with insufficient Vitamin D, we get depressed.

Almost every person living in the Northeast suffers from Vitamin D deficiency. And much of America does now too because of the widespread use of sunscreen.

Try to get outside and get some sunshine every day. On your hands and your face are most important, I have been told. There are also light machines that mimic sunlight which you can use inside but getting outside, where the air is fresh and the sun is shining, is best.

Also, taking a vitamin D3 supplement has worked for me in the past. 5000 IUs is the dosage my doctor recommended for me. I take one every morning from October – April, and it very much helps.

#4 – Eat foods that make you feel good.

I don ‘ t know about you, but when I get depressed I LOVE to eat. Pad Thai and peanut butter with chocolate chips by the spoonful are my favourites.

While these foods aren ‘ t bad for me there are actually foods that have been shown to be mood-enhancing. And some of them are yummy!

Top on the list of mood-enhancing foods are: almonds, guacamole, chocolate, coffee, watermelon and fava beans

That last one isn ‘ t a perennial favourite but I threw it in there anyway.

Also good for you are bananas, apples, green leafy vegetables, oatmeal and pumpkin seeds.

So when you are feeling the blues make yourself a banana and almond milk smoothie, grab a handful of chocolate chips and go sit on the front stoop in the sun for a bit.

Try it now ‘ ¦.at the very least the chocolate chip part.

#5 – Change your chemistry.

Okay, here is the best one. Doing things that make you feel good.

The body produces a chemical known as dopamine. When dopamine levels are low in the body depression can be the result.

Fortunately, there are ways to bump up dopamine levels in the body. And, really, not one of them is a chore.

Top on the list of things that produce dopamine:

  • Listening to music
  • Having sex
  • Setting a goal and meeting it
  • Knowing one answer on a crossword puzzle
  • Doing something creative
  • Trying something new

Can you find one thing on that list that might appeal? Do it after your banana and almond milk smoothie and life will be good.

Depression can be very serious, and I don ‘ t want to downplay that here. If you have been feeling not yourself for any period of time check with your doctor.

The things that I have listed here are things that I have used for years to get me through the blues. They really work. As soon as I feel the depression settling in I put these things into action.

Just ask my man. Not only am I no longer being crabby but he gets to help me raise my dopamine levels. Now everyone is happy.

Are you really struggling with the winter blues?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Have a Difficult Conversation In 2023

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Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

The life coach in me knows that while my concerns are real there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Let go of assumptions.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, and some involve tears.

And they are all that I can think about more even than the talk’s content. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome.

#2 – Choose a good time and place.

When my kids were little, and I had to discuss something difficult with them, I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy, and then we will begin. Softly.

#3 – Don ‘ t attack.

Your goal in this situation is to have an effective, difficult conversation. One that lands on it’s mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will ask him if he is happy. On a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (gradually) get him to open up to me about what is happening. From there, I can ask him probing questions that will lead to us being able to discuss how to get us through those issues.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

Not the end goal.

#4 – Be sure to listen.

This is so important. You must be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person you are talking with. Not only could you get some valuable information, but by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult, but it really works. After they speak, say, ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

Again, not the end goal.

#5 – Know that everything is going to be all right.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world, but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider, ‘ What is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

As I have mentioned before, pain is a part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process.

And growing is the end goal.

I am nervous about tonight ‘ s conversation. The topic is a difficult one, but the conversation is necessary. Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes, I have my list of things I want to address and will do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that everything is going to be okay. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must be getting ready for a difficult conversation.

Reach out to me NOW and let me help you get the words out.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day

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Marriage doesn ‘ t come with a manual. I wish it did. Because after the vows have been said, the doves have been released, and the dress has been put in dry storage, comes marriage.

And as much as we would like to believe it ‘ s all happily ever after, it often isn ‘ t.

But it CAN be. All you need is some awareness and a willingness to act.

Here is my latest – 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day – Even If I Might Not Have Wanted to Hear Them.

#1 – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

One of the most disturbing aspects of many marriages is that after a while, communication just stops.

Sure, there is lots of logistical stuff to discuss – when we are coming home for dinner, where the kids ‘ soccer games are, and what time we are meeting the in-laws on Sunday.

But real communication, expressing of feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams and longings, ceases.

Marriage is a 24/7 commitment. During those days, and years, lots of issues can arise, issues that can be hurtful and cause resentment. Instead of being addressed immediately, feelings are often left unsaid. It can just seem too scary to go there, to share how we feel and not know what the response will be. So we don’t.

And then, before we know it, it ‘ s easier to just not say anything, to do the dishes or spend longer at the office, doing anything to avoid difficult conversations. We do this assuming that the issues will be dealt with eventually. Like after Christmas, after Memorial Day or when the kids go off to college.

If you only take one thing away from this article, it ‘ s this: keep communicating. Your marriage, and your life, will be better if you do.

#2 – Have lots of sex.

I know newlyweds will laugh now at the prospect of no longer having sex with their partner. ‘ That won ‘ t be us, ‘ they say.

But it very well could be.

We know that anger and resentment can build in a marriage because of unexpressed feelings. There is no better libido killer for a woman than anger and resentment. And there is no better way to create anger and resentment in a man than the absence of sex.

Intimacy is key to maintaining closeness in a marriage. Touching, kissing, feeling loved and having orgasms are all a big part of this. Marriage without sex is simply a business arrangement.

So push past the anger and resentment and make love with your partner. Or, better yet, kill the anger and resentment with communication and happily make love every night.

You will be happy you did in the moment and long term.

#3 – Remember to respect each other.

There is a concept called the ‘ contempt of the familiar. ‘ This concept occurs when people get to know each other very well. Too well perhaps. We know how the other person looks when flossing their teeth, how they leave their pants hanging on the door, how they slurp their coffee or that they fart in bed.

Perhaps at one time you thought these things cute but now, as time has gone by, they drive you nuts. They might even repel you.

Mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage. Your partner ‘ s mannerisms or ways of doing things might not jibe with your own and this can lead to developing a dislike of who they are. And if you don’t like someone it’s hard to respect them.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Tell your partner that something they are doing is making it difficult for you to be with them. Don ‘ t just write them off as a lost cause, thinking ‘ If they loved me they would do this differently. ‘ We are all human beings trying to do the best that we can, and if you are honest with yourself, you know that they aren’t doing any of those things to spite you. They just do them. And can change if asked. Nicely.

Give your partner a chance to keep your respect and allow them to respect you in return.

And sex is way better when you respect your partner. In case you didn’t know.

#4 – Don ‘ t let your extended family get in the way of your new one.

No matter how old we are when we get married, we have many years of experience and tradition with our extended families. Holidays spent just so, toilet paper rolls that roll out on top instead of under, sarcasm that is part of every family get-together.

The extended family is wonderful and part of who we are, but the priority now is the new family. The one we are creating with our partner.

Of course, it ‘ s important to respect our family traditions, but if doing so is at the expense of the new relationship, it needs to be addressed. If the birthday tradition on one side is the whole family gathered and lots of gifts exchanged, and the birthday tradition on the other side involves quietly celebrating with friends, then a conversation needs to be had.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Both sides of the family need to be told, respectfully, that while all family traditions are important what is important now is how the new family wants to make their own traditions. Compromises might need to be made but it is important that both partners feel like their new life as a couple is their own.

#5 – Know that a baby is going to change everything.

I know! Having a baby is so exciting. From ‘ starting to try, ‘ to nine months of watching it grow, to baby showers and then childbirth (!!) it ‘ s all so wonderful and new and partners are bound closer than ever.

And then the baby is born, and all bets are off.

Like when we get married, no one hands us a manual when we become parents. This means that from day one, we are flying by the seat of our pants. Women most often immediately change their focus from their husbands to their child. Men are left wondering what happened to their life. Yes, the child is delightful, but dinners together, time with friends, and free time for athletics are all suddenly gone. Not to mention the sex.

It ‘ s important to be aware that the baby will change everything and prepare and allow for it. Know that everyone is going to be exhausted, that things are going to be messy, and that the next 18 years will be an evolution and a revolution like you have never been through before.

Commit to making it through those years together. Communicate like you did when you were first married, perhaps even more so, have as much sex as you can squeeze into your week and continue to love and respect each other even as life gets challenging.

It won ‘ t be easy, but it will be worth it.

So there you go. My 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day.

I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 5. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about what went wrong in my marriage. What I do know is that we, as a couple, got lost in our family. We gave up who WE were to please everyone else: our kids, our in-laws, our friends. We stopped looking at each other with love, talking about our feelings, hugging each other, and respecting each other.

We were business partners. Our family was a successful business, but our marriage fell apart.

I am madly in love with a new man now, one I very much hope to marry. And believe me; I won ‘ t make the same mistakes twice.

Marriage is truly a wondrous thing and can be a big part of living the life of your dreams.

So do what I suggest. And don ‘ t ever stop.

Looking for more ideas about how to keep your marriage strong? Contact me, and I can help.

5 Reasons Telling the Truth Will Make You Happy

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Remember back in high school when you and your best friend both liked the same guy and then the guy started liking you back and you didn ‘ t know what to do about your friend so you didn ‘ t tell her? How did that work out?

We all have secrets. Secrets that may or may not affect the lives of other people. And we may or may not choose to share those secrets because we just don ‘ t know if doing so is the right thing. For everyone.

I am here to tell you that holding on to secrets is not a good thing. For anyone.

#1 – You are not protecting your loved one, even if you think you are.

This is the reason that most people hold onto a secret. They believe that not telling someone the truth will somehow help them. And this does seems logical because you trying to take care of someone who is important to you and sharing the secret might cause them pain.

But why do you think that you know what is best for someone? Yes, you think you really know that person, and you probably do, but by not giving them information that could possibly change their life you are doing them a disservice.

Everyone deserves the right to be in charge of his or her own destiny. You not telling them the truth takes away their power.

#2 – Telling the truth will allow the healing process to begin.

Think about when someone told you something that caused you some hurt. Yes, in the moment, and for many moments afterwards, life was a very difficult place. Perhaps even unbearable.

But it ‘ s the natural process that the body pushes through trauma, big or small, and starts healing. This is how we survive as a species. And we can only start healing when we know what we are dealing with.

Awareness is key.

#3 – Telling the truth will keep your head from exploding.

Holding onto a secret is terribly hard on one ‘ s psyche. Your brain and your heart are in constant conflict, one arguing for revealing the truth, one pushing against it. And the result? Your stomach hurts all the time. And your head threatens to explode.

When your body is telling you that what you are doing is not good it is important that you listen to it. Holding on to a secret can have long-term effects both on the body and the brain.

Imagine what it would feel like to not have this secret in your body. Pretty amazing, right?

#4 – Telling the truth will keep your loved one’s head from exploding.

People always know when you are hiding something, especially people who are close to you. We think we are so good at hiding things but those who know us know our tells. They know when we are stressed, or preoccupied, or being distant.

If they see these behaviors then your loved one might start to question themselves. Have they done something that has caused you to behave this way? Have they hurt you in some way? They might even ask you about it and when you aren ‘ t honest in return they are left hurt and wondering still.

Their brain and their heart will start arguing and their stomach will start to hurt and their head will threaten to explode. How is hiding this secret protecting them? How is not telling them the truth allowing them to start to heal?

It ‘ s just not.

#5 – You will help change the world.

Secrets are insidious. They can cause damage that seems in the moment and personal but which can be far reaching.

My mother had an affair with a married man for 10 years. He would call and mom would tell me that it was her lawyer (which he was, in fact, a lawyer, but not hers). Soon enough I realized what was going on and also knew that he wasn ‘ t leaving his wife and that my mom was miserable. I suffered from massive guilt that she was home alone and I would come home from college on weekends just to be with her. I was distracted from my life worrying about her. I started drinking and not doing well in school.

Repercussions carried forward into my adult life. I didn ‘ t believe that I should be cared for and therefore cared for everyone else at the expense of myself. My mother ultimately married her man and how I resented him for the years that he left my mother so unhappy. I didn ‘ t trust men and this will forever affect my relationship with them.

And then, at my mother’s funeral, her friends told me stories about my mom and her husband that blew my mind. While he hadn ‘ t left his wife, my mom and her lover were together more often than not. They traveled together extensively, trips I never knew about. They had weekend parties at our house where her husband and his friends would travel from Virginia. They even got married without including us.

All the guilt that I suffered was for naught. My mother was doing just fine. Not perfect, I know, but not as bad as she led me to believe by not telling me the truth.

How different might my life had been, and as a result, perhaps, the life of my ex-husband, my children and their children, if I had known the truth?

Many of us are scared of telling the truth, of the ramifications of our words and our fear that we will be blamed for anything that happens because of our actions.

But really, the best thing, for everyone, is to release those secrets out into the world, let happen what is going to happen, and then let the healing process begin.

So just do it. Stop keeping those secrets bottled up inside. You, and your loved ones, will be better for it.

Are you really struggling with telling the truth?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before it causes more damage.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways To Survive Change – Even if it’s Really Scary

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Things change. You either love it or you hate it. Are you wondering how to survive change even if it’s really scary?

Many people hate it. The prospect of a new job, moving to a new house, leaving a relationship or buying a new car can make those who resist change want to run for the hills.

I love change.

I have spent much of my life-changing things up. I have lived in San Francisco, Maine, Tokyo, Athens, Boulder, Vermont, Sydney, and NYC. Since I graduated from college, I have lived in 17 different homes and have worked in the hotel business, the food industry, retail management, and real estate sales, and now I am a life coach. I have been divorced and lived through my kids going off to college.

I am the person I am today because of opportunities for change that were presented to me throughout my life, ones I chose to pursue. And I love the person I am today.

They say that people who choose change are happier about it. The process can be messy, but once you get through it, life just might be what you have always wanted it to be.

How To Survive Change: 5 Ways

I am here today to help you get through that change so that you can live the life of your dreams.

#1 – Don ‘ t Forget To Breathe:

When presented with the possibility of change many people freeze up. The prospect is so terrifying that their body reacts as it would if faced with the specter of death. And then they run, run for their lives, from that change.

This is when it ‘ s important to remember to breathe. Without breath neither your brain nor your heart can function and making rational choices is impossible.

Think about when you drive by a tractor-trailer on the highway. It ‘ s a scary prospect and you start thinking of all the things that can go wrong. And you hold your breath in anticipation of those things. Next time, try taking a deep breath right before you pass that truck. The breath will calm your body and clear your mind and you will pass it with ease.

It ‘ s the same with change. Try it now. Inhale for 3 seconds, out for 5. Repeat as needed. Your heartbeat will slow and your mind will clear. Very helpful.

#2 – Remember, Change iS GOOD.

Many people are so unaccustomed to change that the prospect seems unbearable. This new thing is going to come in and shake up their lives and they don ‘ t think they can survive it.

But this just isn ‘ t true. We can survive anything. And research shows that most people who make a big change are happier on the other side. Happier. Sounds pretty good, right?

Think about a time earlier in your life when you faced major change. Now think about how you went about it and what the end result was. Was your life ultimately a better place because of that change? Even if things were really messy along the way? Think carefully.

The process can be difficult, and we will address that, but picture yourself on the other side of that change. Life will be different, yes. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.

#3 – Gather Information:

One of the most essential pieces of thriving in the face of change is the gathering of information. It is impossible to make an intelligent move without the right information.

It ‘ s time to make a list – a list of all of the positive things and all of the challenging things about your potential change.

If you are moving will it mean a bigger house? Better weather? A longer drive to school or work? An acre lawn to mow?

If it ‘ s a new job will it be better hours or pay? Will the dress code be challenging? Will your boss be someone much younger than you?

Once you have the list of your perceived pluses and minuses, address each minus individually.

A smaller house might seem a minus, but really a smaller house means less house to clean which would give you more time to do something fun instead.

A younger boss might seem a minus, but really a younger boss could teach you some new skills for the ever-evolving workplace. And the fact that you are older could mean built-in respect because of the years of working experience you bring to the table.

For every one thing that seems negative, there is a corresponding positive. You need to identify what those things are. Once you do you will feel ready to face real, substantial change.

#4 – No Negative Self Talk:

We are our own worst enemies. In the face of change, our brains tell us that we just can ‘ t do it. That we aren ‘ t smart enough or strong enough or that the change will destroy us.

Again, this just isn ‘ t true.

I have a client who has been given an amazing job opportunity. It has been literally placed at her feet and is hers for the taking. And she is struggling to accept it.

She thinks two things:

  1. That people will judge her for changing jobs AGAIN after just two years in her current position.
  2. That she will fail.

I asked her what she would think if she heard of someone switching jobs after 2 years. She said she would think, ‘ Wow. That person is really moving up in the world. She is being recognized for her successes. Good for her. ‘

I asked her to list all the reasons she would fail. Try as she might she couldn ‘ t name one reason. Her brain had been telling her that she would but she couldn ‘ t prove to me that what her brain was saying was true.

Again, our brains can make us our own worst enemies. Recognize that and talk back to that brain. Don ‘ t let it and it ‘ s pesky untruths hold you back.

#5 – Get Excited About The Possibilities:

Take a good look at that list that you made. Of all of the possibilities that your future holds.

Change is a scary thing but really it is also so exciting. You get a chance to do things differently, re-invent yourself, and maybe experience things you haven ‘ t before.

The first steps will most likely be difficult, and scary, but once you get started the sky is the limit. It ‘ s like starting out on a hiking trail and looking up. You wonder how the hell will you get up to the top. And then, when you do, after a fair amount of huffing and puffing, it’s just amazing. The sky is blue, and you can see forever. And looking down you can see how far you have come and feel pretty damn proud of yourself.

I am not saying that the prospect of change isn ‘ t scary and overwhelming. It is scary and will be overwhelming. What I am saying is to embrace it, to look at it as a positive thing even if your first reaction is ‘ not so much. ‘

In my last blog, I wrote about getting divorced. A friend of mine said he was jealous. How lucky I was that I got a chance for a reboot at 46 years old. And that ‘ s what I got. The reboot itself was rather painful, but I was given a new beginning and my life is now amazing. Truly.

I wish this kind of happiness on everyone I know and love. Take a risk. It will be worth it!

Are you struggling with how to survive change?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before it overwhelms you!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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