7 Ways to ‘Fake It Til You Make It’ When You are Feeling Sad

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So many of us, myself included, find they have to fake it until you make it when they are feeling sad.

Life is busy with work, family, friends, pets, etc. Who has time to be sad? I know that I don’t.

Unfortunately, it can be very hard to not give in to the sadness to not let it derail your life.

Luckily there are a few hacks that you can use that will help you fake it until you make it when you are feeling sad.

#1 – Get out of bed.

This might seem fairly obvious but, for many people, the act of simply getting out of bed when they are depressed is impossible.

The inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, GET OUT OF IT!

People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed when they are feeling sad.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattresses with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed.

Because, out of bed, it is way more likely that you will actually be able to do something other than lay around, ruminating about how horrible you feel.

#2 – Do what makes you feel good.

When we are struggling with sadness and depression, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don’t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling sad, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

What kind of things might work? That depends on who you are in the world but here are a few ideas.

  • Take a walk.
  • Spend time with friends.
  • Take a bath.
  • Do some yoga.
  • Binge on some fun TV.
  • Have sex
  • Go to the movies.
  • Take a road trip

So, what makes you happy? I know it seems hard now but ask yourself what you usually enjoy doing. Or ask a friend. Doing something that makes you happy will raise your endorphins and help you manage your sadness.

#3 – Take care of yourself.

An excellent coping mechanism for working through depression is taking care of yourself.

After my mom died I fell apart. Getting off the couch was next to impossible. Tequila was my closest companion with ice cream a close second.

Fortunately for me, a friend saw what I was doing to myself and helped get me back on track. I started going to yoga, getting more sleep, eating better and drinking lots of water.

I started spending more time outdoors in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun felt good on my body and the Vitamin D provided by the sun is a natural anti-depressant.

I know that if I hadn’t started taking care of myself, if I hadn’t made my body stronger, my sadness would only have gotten worse!

#4 – Keep your mind active.

Unfortunately, when you’re feeling sad, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren’t good at anything. You will never find love.You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn’t go there.

It is really important, when you are feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this You are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don’t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#5 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don’t, it could be time to start.

Did you know that negative thoughts are 4 times more powerful in your head than after they have been spoken or written. Think about it the last time you were stuck listening to those negative voices didn’t you feel much better when you shared them with someone? Yes! Even if your problems weren’t solved at least they weren’t rolling around in your head, making things messy.

Writing about how you are feeling and things that are making sad, or whatever it is that is stuck in your head, can be an excellent way to fake it until you make it’ when you are feeling sad, especially if you don’t have someone with whom to share your sadness. When you have no one to talk to when you are feeling sad, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it can be much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with friends but choose carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when you’re feeling depressed is your environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren’t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn’t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn’t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn’t spend time with when you are depressed, and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#7 – Know that feeling sad isn’t a sign of weakness.

Another piece of faking it until you make it when you are feeling sad is to admit to yourself that, in fact, you are struggling.

So many of us, when we are struggling with depression, judge ourselves. We are all taught that we need to be tough, to not let our emotions overwhelm us, to get over it. Furthermore, we look at those around us and assume that everyone else is fine, that it is only us who is such a loser.

But this is NOT true. Sadness and depression are real things. While we all think that we should suck it up and be happy, sometimes it just isn’t possible. Sometimes we are just sad. And it is ok.

Owning, to yourself at least, the fact that you are sad, and recognizing that it’s ok. is an excellent way to get through those times when the sadness is with you so that you can get through it intact.

In many ways it is sad that we have to fake it until we make it when we are feeling sad.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if society as a whole was willing to accept that depression is a thing and give us space to be depressed openly.

Unfortunately, while we are getting there, that is not the way life is right now so knowing how to get through your sadness is a key part of not letting it derail your life.

So, when you are feeling sad, first and foremost, get out of bed. Take care of yourself. Do something fun. Control your thoughts and accept that this is just how things are for now.

All of those things will allow you to keep moving forward when you are depressed. And sometimes, if you keep moving forward, that in itself will help with your depression.

All of this being said, if you are feeling depressed and you find that it isn’t going away, that it is derailing your life, it is essential that you see your doctor. What you are dealing with might be more than sadness and your doctor can help you figure out ways to deal with it.

But for now  get out there. Live! You can do it!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Signs Your Depression is Getting Really Bad After Your Break Up

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Are you wondering if your depression is getting really bad after your breakup?

Do you find yourself just getting sadder and sadder? Have your friends mentioned that you are not yourself? Have you been ignoring your mother’s calls for months?

Knowing if your depression is getting worse after a breakup is a hard thing to do because you are living your life day to day, and the big picture of what is going on with your mood can be cloudy.

It’s important to know if your depression is getting worse because with knowledge comes power. If you know you are, in fact, getting more depressed every day, then knowing will give you the opportunity to figure out the next steps to take.

Here are 5 signs that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#1 – You Have No Hope

Do you feel completely hopeless?

Do you believe that tomorrow will be worse than today? That your work is only going to get harder? That going out with your friends is worse than death? That you will never love or be loved again?

Feeling hopeless is a key sign of depression.

I know that when I feel depressed, looking forward to the future is virtually impossible. I believe that I am worthless and will never add anything to the world and why even bother to get any help because it’s not going to make a difference. It’s a horrible feeling.

What I am here to tell you is that there is hope for your future. Even though you might want to slap the person who tells you that ‘everything will be fine,’ I can promise you that, if you can get some help to get you out of your depression, the future can be bright. That you will excel at work and that you will love and be loved again.

So, feeling hopeless is a key sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#2 – You Are Isolating

Be honest. When was the last time you left your house? Was it yesterday to get some take out? Was it a few days back when you needed to do some laundry? Was it last week for a friend’s birthday?

Take stock, right now, of the last time that you left the house. It is important that you take note because it’s easy to lose track.

Have you been spending time with your family and friends? Does the idea of doing so fill you with dread, and are you ignoring everyone at all costs? Would you rather stay home and watch TV than do anything at all?

All of the things I discussed above are signs that you are isolating. Isolating is another key indicator that you are depressed and that things might be getting worse.

I know that the idea of getting off your butt and doing something is incredibly daunting right now, but if you can do even one small thing – like taking a walk with a friend or going to a movie – you will feel better, even if only for a short time.

#3 – You Can’t Get Out of Bed or Off the Couch

Are you struggling with a complete lack of energy? Do you spend all day in bed, sleeping or eating ice cream and watching the ‘Desperate Housewives of some city far away’?

Do you sometimes manage to get out of bed, only to make your way over to the couch where you settle in under your blanket and watch some romantic movies that make you feel worse?

People who are depressed have very little energy and, as a result, spend a lot of time sedentary. And being sedentary is not only a sign of depression but it’s also the worst thing that you can do to work through it.

I have heard some great ideas from people who are struggling to get out of bed or off the couch when they are depressed.

When they get out of bed, they put their mattress against the wall so that impulsively getting back into bed is impossible. Another thing that they do is to load up the couch with books and clothes and other lumpy things so that being on the couch is uncomfortable.

With no place to collapse into, being sedentary is much more difficult, and it might force you to get out into the world, to get some exercise, and maybe even see friends!

#4 – You Haven’t Showered

I know that when one of my friends is feeling really depressed, the indicator is that she never showers. When she is depressed, self-care is the first thing that goes.

She doesn’t shower. She doesn’t shave. She doesn’t take her vitamins. She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t do her laundry. She pretty much does nothing that will help keep her body strong and healthy.

And not feeling healthy only fuels her depression.

My friend knows that she does this. A coping skill that she has developed is that, when she has a moment or two when she feels okay (which we all do when we are depressed but, unless we make an effort in that moment, we just fall back into the darkness), she takes a shower. And, more likely than not, this one little piece of self-care makes a big difference with her mood, even if only for a bit. And feeling better about herself helps her reach out to her friends or her doctor for help!

So, are you dirty, hungry, and unkempt? If yes, it definitely might be a sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#5 – You Are Self-Sabotaging

Unfortunately, when one is feeling hopeless, alone, lazy, and dirty, the desire to do anything positive is just not there. As a result, we do things that are self-sabotaging, things that might keep us depressed rather than moving towards healing.

What kind of self-sabotaging? Reaching out to our ex. Stalking them on Instagram. Reading old text messages. Reflecting on how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Is this you? If it is, STOP these behaviors right now! All of these things will only keep you in a dark spot.

You have broken up with your person, and yes, it’s very sad, but the number one thing that you can do to help you move past it is to go ‘no contact.’ Every moment of contact you have with your ex will only drag you back into that hole of depression.

Imagine if, instead of reaching out to your person, you reached out to a friend. Imagine if, instead of stalking them on Instagram, you used your time on your phone to text with the sister who makes you laugh. Imagine if, instead of reading old text messages, you deleted them, taking back your power. And how about accepting that the way things were in the beginning will never be that way again, because they never are.

So, consider your behaviors these days. If you find you are self-sabotaging instead of doing the things that you need to do to get out of this darkness, then you are definitely depressed.

If your depression is getting really bad after your breakup, know that there are things that you can do about it.

The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are depressed. Doing so will help you take that first step forward!

Once you have accepted your depression, it is the time to take action. Take a shower, take your mattress off the bed, reach out to a friend, eat something that is good for you, take a walk, and go ‘no contact’ with your ex. If you can do even ONE of these things, you will be on the road to getting past your depression and starting to live your life again.

If you find that these things aren’t making your depression go away, it might be time to see your primary care doctor, to see if they can help you manage your mood. They won’t judge you. I promise!

I know that it all seems daunting right now, but I promise that you can do it. And imagine how good you will feel when you do!

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things to Do to Fill the Empty Space Left After a Break Up

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There is nothing worse than the empty space that is left after a break up.

For weeks, months, or years, you have had someone in your life, someone who shared the good times and the bad, someone who you went to the movies with, went out to dinner with, took home for holidays, etc.

That person, and the things that you did together, is now gone, leaving a wide open space that needs to be filled. Leaving it empty can be incredibly uncomfortable and cause a tremendous amount of pain.

So, what can you do to fill the empty space left after a break up? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Spend time with people who love you.

There ‘ s nothing better to fill the empty space left after a break up then spending time with people who love you.

For many of us, when we are in a relationship, we fill all of our empty space with our person. But, remember, there was a time when you didn ‘ t have this person in your life. Who was your favorite person to hang out with before your ex? Who made you laugh? Who was your partner in crime? Who always made you feel loved?

Pick up the phone and call that person right now! Make a plan with them to do something that you used to do that made you happy.

The lesson here is that there are many people in your life who you love and who can fill that space for you, maybe even better than your ex could!

#2 – Get a change in scenery.

I know for one of my clients, the first thing she does at the end of a relationship is to make a plan to get away from her everyday life.

Usually, it involves a short drive to visit a friend or a family member but sometimes she goes bigger. Once she even planned a trip to London. She had always wanted to go there and was given an opportunity to run a marathon.

Her relationship had just ended so she decided to go for it! And what happened? She kicked ass in the marathon and she met a lovely British man who helped her manage her broken heart.

So, if you need to fill that empty space left after your break up, I would encourage you to change the scenery.

Where would you go for a change? Even if it ‘ s just going to a friend ‘ s house for the night, or going to visit your parents or jumping on a train and going to see an old friend or booking a flight to the Caribbean, whatever you can do to get out of the space that you occupied with your ex, ASAP.

Doing something different, even if for a brief moment, will help you fill the empty space that is feeling so painful right now.

#3 – Rearrange things.

One of my personal favorites, of all the things that I recommend for people to do while they ‘ re getting through a break up, is to rearrange things.

One of the reasons that there is so much empty space in your life is because your space is the same as it always has been.

Do you walk into your home and see the empty space your ex used to fill? Do you come home at the end of the day, as usual, and feel their absence?

Do you go out for your regular Wednesday night Thai food and does it only make you feel lonely because you used to do it together?

Well then, it ‘ s time to shake things up.

When a client of mine went through her divorce, she decided that she was going to totally rearrange her space. She was in a lot of pain at the end of her marriage and she wanted to do something different.

So, she swapped her bedroom and her living room. She moved her bedroom into the space with the fireplace and decorated it with all the things that she loved the most. She purchased new furniture for her living room and created a space for herself to spend time knitting and watching TV.

Whenever she went to bed at the end of the night, she didn ‘ t do so with the ghost of her ex-husband next to her. It was almost like she had moved to a whole new house and that empty space did not feel so empty.

So, try changing up your space. It might give you a whole new lease on life.

#4 – Try something new.

A client of mine recently went through a terrible break up. She was blindsided and left broken and empty.

This is not the first time has happened to her. Like all of us, as she goes through the dating world, she has gotten her heart broken more than once.

Typically, what she does when she ‘ s heartbroken is she stays at home, feeling sorry for herself, googling articles to justify how she feels about how her ex behaved, eating ice cream, and generally feeling sorry for yourself.

She decided to do things differently this time. After spending the weekend with her mother, crying and getting love, she drove directly to a music store and bought herself a violin.

When she was younger, she played the violin. She was really good at it and it made her really happy. When she went off to college and started her career, the violin fell to the side. She wanted to bring it back.

So, she bought the violin and filled those empty spaces with the instrument that had always brought her such joy. She was able to re-familiarize herself with how to play and she was able to build her skill and and find true joy. It was far better for her than sitting in front of her computer, reading things that were making her depressed and eating food that was bad for her.

So, is there something that you have always wanted to do or something from your childhood that you could start doing again that would make you feel good?

I encourage you to think about this and to take the steps that you can take to try something new, something that you never shared with your ex, so that you get to know yourself again and not see yourself only as part of a pair.

#5 – Take my course!

I have created a course, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On, that I created especially to fill the void that has been left after a break up.

When we are left with empty space after a relationship ends, we are often left helpless and hopeless about what to do next. That empty space can be very debilitating.

In my course, you will find daily activities, things that you can do to help you fill that empty space in a healthy way so that you can move forward with your life.

The course is broken up into 4 weeks. The first week is about letting go of the pain. The second week is about rebuilding your self-esteem. The third week is about preparing to put yourself out there, either to date or just to live. And week four is about taking action with the goals you set.

This course is just the thing that you need to fill the empty space left after your break up, to rebuild your self-esteem, to get past the pain and to move on with your life.

Check it out here. It might just change your life.

Filling the empty space that is caused by a break up is an important part of getting through the pain and to come out the other side.

If you sit around at home, feeling sorry for yourself and not making any efforts to fill the space, you will never get past this break up.

I encourage you to get off the couch right now, to spend time with people who love you, to plan an excursion, to rearrange stuff in your life, to try something new, and to check out my new course.

I can promise you that, with time, this empty space will be completely filled with life and love. For now, take steps to deal with it so that you can heal and move forward!

You can do it!

5 Signs that Your Guy Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship

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Have you recently been thinking that perhaps your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

Did you go into this relationship with big hopes and dreams but are you seeing that your guy might not be on the same page?

When many of us start to think that our guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, we tend to ignore all the signs. We convince ourselves that our person does want to be with us and that we can keep them if we can just show them how much we love them.

Unfortunately, that never works.

It is very important that you don ‘ t ignore the red flags that indicate that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

You will waste a lot of time if you do.

Here are 5 signs that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship to not ignore so that you can get the life, and love, that you want!

#1 – He disappears.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that if a guy wants to be in a relationship, he will want to spend as much time with you as possible.

If your guy disappears, if he doesn ‘ t return your texts or your calls, if he makes excuses to not be with you, then your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

A client of mine started having sex with an old friend. He told her over and over and over that if he was going to be in a relationship, she ‘ s the one he would want to be in one with. She took that to believe that they were working towards building a relationship together because she really wanted one.

But what he was doing was talking the talk but not walking the walk. He would constantly be making excuses about why he couldn ‘ t come over to see her. He was in recovery and constantly told her that he was working with people at his recovery center, even when he had promised her that he would be with her. He would say that he was coming over later and then wouldn’t show. When he did show up, he let her take care of him but did nothing in return.

My client got increasingly upset. She knew deep down that he didn ‘ t want a relationship but she just couldn ‘ t accept it. Instead of doing so, she just dug herself in deeper, believing that if she just held on, he would change his mind.

It finally took her having a total breakdown, and for him to be direct about his not wanting to have a relationship with her, for her to see that she was wasting her time.

She walked away. It was hard for her to do so and it took a while but finally she did.

She has now met the love of her life and she ‘ s getting married in October.

#2 – He only wants to stay home.

A guy who wants to be in a relationship really likes to show off his woman. He is actually eager to get out there and share with the world that this is the person he has chosen, and who chose him!

If your person has taken to only wanting to stay home, to watch movies, to eat dinner and to go to sleep early, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want to be in a relationship.

By staying home with you, where he can be taken care of and have sex, your guy is able to maintain a semblance of a relationship to keep you happy without actually being in one.

So, if your guy no longer wants to take you out, to introduce you to his friends or his family, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want a relationship.

If you ‘ re seeing this, consider walking away. NOW!

#3 – You are feeling insecure.

From many of us, when red flags present themselves, we ignore them.

If we think our person is pulling away, instead of taking note and walking away from them, we tend to lean in even more. We are nicer, we take care of them, we go out of our way to be available for them, we give them more sex, we do whatever we can do, believing that if we just love them enough they will want to be in a relationship with us.

I know that when my ex-husband told me he wanted to divorce, I went out of my way to be the best wife that I could be. I would dress up for him when he got home at the end of the day. I had way more sex with him than I usually did. I tried to be kind and direct and open. He had told me he wanted a divorce, but I didn ‘ t want to believe him. I just believed that if I gave him enough, he would stay.

He didn ‘ t.

All of this left me feeling horrible about myself. I knew that I was giving more than I was receiving and that I was debasing myself by doing so. As time went on, it got worse and worse until finally, I left, feeling like a shell of myself.

So, if your person is making you feel insecure, then it ‘ s definitely a sign that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t make you a priority.

Be honest. Is your guy your number one priority? Do you put him above your friends, above your dog, above your family, above your work? (well, maybe not above your dog)

Of course, you do. He is the person you love.

But, let me ask you, does he do the same thing? Are you the most important thing in his life and does he regularly show you?

Think hard on this, because it ‘ s very important.

It is essential that, for two people to be in a healthy relationship, they make each other a priority. That they make an effort to put their relationship above all things, sometimes even above the kids.

Relationships are very hard and without constant effort, they can fall apart.

If your guy puts you after softball, work, friends, golf, etc., then he definitely does not want to be in a relationship.

People who want to be in a relationship act like they want to be in a relationship.

#5 – He tells you.

Has your guy told you, maybe over and over and over, that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

In spite of him saying this, does he keep coming and going, hanging out with you, having sex with you, letting you take care of him?

And are you telling yourself that you know that he really does want to be with you, because of his actions and in spite of his words? Well if you do, you are kidding yourself.

If someone tells you something directly, listen to them. If he ‘ s telling you he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, there is no amount of love that you can give him that will make him change his mind.

So, if he is being honest and direct with you, believe him! Don ‘ t believe that things will be different with you

I know the last thing in the world that you want to hear is it your guy doesn ‘ t want to relationship but it’s true.

At the beginning of relationships, we have such high hopes and dreams for the future. We believe that we might finally have found our person, and this makes us supremely happy. Letting go of that can very, very hard.

If he doesn ‘ t make you a priority, if he disappears, if he only wants to stay home and you are feeling insecure, it ‘ s very clear that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. And what I can promise you is that, if he ‘ s already made up his mind, there is nothing that you will be able to do to change it.

I would encourage you to walk away now! You want to find love and happiness so don ‘ t waste even one more minute on someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you.

I know walking away is scary. You are afraid of the pain and you are afraid of being alone forever. But I can promise you the only way you will be alone forever is if you try to get keep this man.

You can do this I promise.

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed

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I know it ‘ s hard to believe that it ‘ s OK to break up with someone who is depressed but it is. It truly is.

I know that you care for them deeply and you don ‘ t want to see them hurting but that doesn ‘ t mean that staying with them is the best thing for them, or for you, especially if they aren ‘ t doing the work that they need to do to get better.

I know. I had been depressed in my marriage and I know now that staying together because I was struggling, but not getting help, was the worst choice that we could have made.

Let me tell you why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. Perhaps understanding will help you make a decision around your next steps.

#1 – They are not your responsibility.

I know that you love your person and that you want to take care of them. And I know that you would do anything that you could do to make them feel better. But what I also know is that it ‘ s not your responsibility to do so.

If someone is struggling with depression, it is their responsibility to take care of themselves. It is their responsibility to notice how they are feeling, to take steps to deal with their depression and to do what they need to do to learn how to live with it.

I know you want to help. And that is admirable, but it ‘ s important that you understand that the person you love who is dealing with depression needs to take care of themselves. You can ‘ t do the work for them, no matter how much you want to and how much you try.

#2 – Codependency.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is depressed, and you are doing everything in your power to make them feel better on a daily basis, and they are letting you, you guys are in a codependent relationship.

Much like enabling an alcoholic, you doing all the work to take care of your person during their depressive periods isn ‘ t helping anybody.

You are probably finding yourself increasingly frustrated that your efforts aren ‘ t making a difference and your person is probably becoming increasingly reliant on you to make them feel better in the moment. This is co-dependency.

I know that when I was married and I was very depressed, my relationship with my husband was in rough shape.

Whenever he came home from work and he saw I was depressed, he would go out of his way to be careful. He would go out of his way to be helpful. He would go out of his way to be complementary. While it worked for me in the moment, it didn ‘ t help me in the long term. As a result, he became increasingly frustrated and I became increasingly reliant on him and that wasn ‘ t helpful for either one of us.

Eventually, out marriage ended.

So, if you find that you are constantly trying to take care of your person, to help them not be so depressed, and they are letting you, your relationship is becoming increasingly co-dependent and a co-dependent relationship is not a healthy one.

#3 – You are trying to fix them.

If there ‘ s one thing that someone doesn’t need when they are depressed, it ‘ s their person trying to fix them.

What a person who is depressed needs more than anything from their partner when they are feeling depressed is for their partner to accept them as they are in the moment. To recognize that they are depressed, to have empathy for them and to let them know that you are there for them.

Unfortunately, for many people who live with people who are depressed, they don ‘ t understand what the person needs. Instead of being willing to accept them as they are, to have empathy for them, the person who is not depressed just tries to fix that person.

They try to talk them out of their depression. They try to convince them of how good their life is, and how happy they are, and how many people love them. They try in vain, over and over and over, to fix the person instead of to try to support them in the moment.

What this does is it only makes the depressed person feel worse. They know that they are loved, they know they have a good life, they know all of this but they are depressed anyway.

You trying to show your person how good their world is will only make them more depressed.

So, if you find yourself trying to fix your person, perhaps it ‘ s time to let them go. Unless they can do what they need to do to take care of themselves, they will never get better. And unless you can accept that trying to talk them out of their depression is making them feel bad about their depression, your person will struggle, you will be frustrated and your relationship will never be healthy.

#4 – They need to do this work themselves.

Many people come to me wanting to know what they can do to help their person who is struggling with depression. What I say to them is their person needs to do the work themselves.

I know that it wasn ‘ t until I was able to accept that I was depressed that I was able to start working on disorder.

Once I recognize that I was depressed, I took the steps to reach out to a doctor, to get a diagnosis, to start taking some medication and to start doing the things that I needed to do to live a successful life.

Today, I take my meds faithfully. I do yoga, eat well, get enough sleep, spend time with those I love, and get massages every month. All of those things help me manage my depression.

It ‘ s not cured but it ‘ s under control.

I never could have done this work if I had someone there trying to ‘ ˜fix me, ‘ trying to convince me that I needed help. I needed to figure this out on my own and eventually I did.

This is another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. You can ‘ t do the work for them, they need to do the work for themselves. And if they ‘ re not willing to do that, it ‘ s time for you to move on.

#5 – You have your own life to lead.

I know it might seem selfish, but you have one and only life. And if you ‘ re spending it with someone who is depressed and isn ‘ t willing to do anything about it, then you should seriously consider moving on.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as it is right now, living with a person who is depressed? Someone who doesn ‘ t want to do anything, who isn ‘ t interested in sex, who doesn ‘ t take care of themselves, who doesn ‘ t want to go out with friends?

Because this will be the rest of your life if you stay.

I know that when my ex-husband finally broke up with me, he was able to lead the life he wanted. He wasn ‘ t held back by my depression and my paralyzing social anxiety. While I was very sad that he left, devastated in fact, I know that him moving on was the best thing for both of us because he was able to find happiness and I was able to have the space to do the work that I needed to do to get well.

Knowing why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed will give you the freedom to make a decision about next steps.

The important thing here is that if your person is not willing to do what they need to do to get past the depression, then there ‘ s no reason for you to stay.

They are not your responsibility, you staying is enabling them to not deal with their depression, you trying to fix them will only make things worse and they need to do this work themselves.

Most importantly, you have a life to lead. Don ‘ t let your life be bogged down by someone who doesn ‘ t want to help themselves.

If you are lucky enough that your depressed person is willing to do the work that they need to do to get better, then by all means stay. But remember, a promise isn ‘ t action and if they say they are going to do something but don ‘ t, that ‘ s another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

If they don ‘ t do the work, why should you?

I know you can do this. I know you want to be happy. And that ‘ s on you ‘ ¦

Why Moving On From a Toxic Relationship is So Hard
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Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard.

It ‘ s hard to understand why. Leaving a relationship that made you so unhappy should leave you feeling really good about yourself and hopeful about the future.

But, instead, trying to move on from a toxic relationship just leaves you feeling hopeless, that you will never get past it.

Understanding why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is the key to being able to do so.

Here are five reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard so that you can understand and finally move on.

#1 – Letting go.

When we get out of a toxic relationship, the break-up means letting go of our hopes and dreams.

All of the things that we had visualized our life would look like at the beginning of the relationship are all things that we have to let go of when the relationship ends.

And that is really, really hard to do.

I had a client whose husband left her soon after their children went off to college. They had been unhappy for a long time and she had thought of leaving him many times.

But, when he left, she had to let go of the vision she had for the rest of her life in this marriage.

That vision included fixing her marriage, traveling with her husband, delighting in grandchildren together, and finally having the financial freedom to do the things they had always wanted wanted to do.

Instead she was left alone, their finances were in tatters and the image of them growing old together was gone.

So, one of the reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is because you have to let go of those hopes and dreams that you had counted on for so long.

#2 – Fear.

For many of us, the idea of getting out of any relationship, much less a toxic one, is very scary.

We are worried that we will never love or be loved again. We are scared of the pain that we will feel. We worry that our person will move on and be fixed for their next person. We are afraid that all the time we have wasted in this relationship will make it difficult for us to find the happy life that we long for.

I always encourage people to face the fear. Fear is a very scary thing. Pain is a very scary thing. But we have all dealt with fear and pain in the past and we have prevailed. So, if the fear of the pain is holding you back, think of periods of pain and fear that you had survived before and know that you will survive them again.

#3 – Depression.

For many of us, letting go of a toxic relationship can lead to deep depression.

Whether or not you are already prone to depression or it ‘ s something that you have dealt with before, depression can hold us back from moving on, every time.

The reasons that depression can hold you back from moving on from a toxic relationship are many.

When we are depressed, we have no energy to do anything. This makes it hard for us to get out into the world and fill in the holes that are left by the absence of our relationship.

When we are depressed, we feel hopeless about the future and when we feel hopeless about the future it ‘ s hard to move on because you don ‘ t know what you ‘ re moving onto.

When we are depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves. We eat bad food, we stop exercising and we do things that self-sabotage our well-being. Doing this only makes things worse because our self-esteem plummets.

If you are feeling depressed, I would encourage you to talk to your primary care doctor to see what they can do to help you manage your depression so that you can get through this difficult time and get your life back.

#4 – Hopelessness.

For many of us, after we get out of a toxic relationship, we are left feeling completely hopeless about the future.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams about our relationship, struggling with depression and truly believing that we will never be happy again is why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult.

Many of my clients tell me that they are sure that if they get out of this relationship their future is bleak. They believe that everything that they have lived for will be gone and how can they find anything to replace it?

They feel bad about themselves and they believe that they will never feel good about themselves again and that nobody would ever want to love them. They believe that they were the cause of the toxicity in the relationship and they wonder how things could ever be different in the future.

What I would encourage you to do is realize that this hopelessness after letting go of a toxic relationship is a very natural thing and if you go through the steps you need to go through to get past this break up, the helplessness will fade and you will get the life that you want.

I promise. I have been there!

#5 – Self-doubt.

One of the biggest side effects of a toxic relationship is that our self-esteem gets shot.

Whether it ‘ s because we feel like we have let ourselves down by staying in a relationship too long or whether it ‘ s because our partner abused us so repeatedly and destroyed our mental well-being, either way, having low self-esteem makes it very hard to move on from a toxic relationship.

What I always encourage my clients to do when they are feeling full of self-doubt after a break up is to do the things that they need to do to feel better about themselves.

A client of mine was spending all of her time online, looking for articles that would reinforce her belief that her toxic relationship and her ex could be authenticated by other people ‘ s experiences. I told her to give herself a deadline when she would stop doing this because all it was doing was sabotaging her moving forward and definitely not making her feel better about herself.

What she did instead of spending all of her time online was she purchased herself a violin. She had played violin when she was younger and it always brought her a lot of peace. Starting to play the violin again was very self-soothing for her. The more her skills improved, the more her self-esteem grew. Instead of wallowing in her self-doubt, she did something that made her really feel good about herself and, therefore, hopeful for the future.

What would work for you to help you build your self-esteem? I ‘ m sure there are things that you have done in your past that felt good then and that you could take up again to build a future that you want.

Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard but doing so is also incredibly important.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams, to be scared about what is next, to be overwhelmed with depression and hopelessness and be filled with self-doubt are all obstacles to getting past your broken heart and moving forward.

But I promise you, you can do it. I promise that the life that you have always wanted is out there and ahead of you.

My new course, Four Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving on, is just the thing to help you take the steps that you need to take to get past the broken heart, to start rebuilding your self-esteem and to put yourself out there and find the love and the life that you want. You can check it out by clicking this link here.

What I can promise you is that no one has ever died of a broken heart. You will get through this, with a little bit of intention and determination.

You can do it!

5 Reasons Why People Who are Depressed Might Be Unfaithful

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People who are depressed do things that are hard for people who aren ‘ t depressed to understand. Some are small, like not being able to get out of bed, and some are large, like infidelity.

Therapists and life coaches working with relationships that are struggling with infidelity often see depression as one of the root causes.

Understanding why people who are depressed might be unfaithful could be an important thing to help you work through your partner ‘ s infidelity and build a future together.

So, why might people who are depressed be unfaithful? Here are 5 reasons:

#1 – Self destruction.

People who are depressed are prone to self-destruction.

People who are depressed might not get out of bed or they might stop eating or hanging out with their friends. They might isolate and lash out at people who love them. People who are depressed feel so badly about themselves that they are driven to make themselves feel worse.

Unfortunately, many people who are depressed are prone to be unfaithful purely because of these self-destructive behaviors.

People who are depressed believe that they are worthless, that no one loves them, that they are losers in the world who will never get ahead. And the best way to reinforce those beliefs is to do something so terrible – like being unfaithful.

Being unfaithful helps them believe the worst about themselves, which, unfortunately, will only make them more depressed.

Furthermore, this self-destructive behavior will persist, and maybe get worse, if people who are depressed aren ‘ t treated. As are result, the infidelity will continue, unabated.

#2- Self-medication.

When people are depressed, they will do anything to feel better, even if for a moment. Because psychotropic medication is so stigmatized in our culture, people often search for other ways to make themselves feel better, if only for the short term.

Healthy ways to do this include exercise, sleep, spending time with loved ones and doing things that traditionally make us happy.

Unhealthy ways include drug and alcohol abuse, isolation and infidelity.

In my experience, one of the most compelling things about an affair is not the sex (although of course that is part of it). What is most compelling is that, when we have an affair, we step out of our lives. We step out of the mundane life that we are living, with a partner and a job and, perhaps, children and a dog. We step away from chores and petty arguments. With an affair, everything is fun and flirty and we feel like the person we used to be.

How great would that feel for people who are depressed?

#3 – Hopelessness.

The hallmark of depression is hopelessness. Hopelessness about our place in the world, about our relationships, about the future, about how we will never not feel depressed again.

When the future is hopeless, when today is hopeless, people who are depressed often throw caution to the wind. Things that used to seem out of the question, like infidelity, suddenly seem doable. Even attractive.

‘ ˜Why not, ‘ they think. ‘ ˜Life sucks anyway so why not just make it all worse by doing something that might blow up my relationship? ‘

The longer the hopelessness persists, the more the person will cling to their affair, proving to themselves that the world is a terrible place and they are a terrible person in it.

#4 – Lack of self-control.

People who are depressed often lack the self-control they had when they weren ‘ t depressed. The boundaries that held them to a standard in their relationships, and their society, are cast aside.

People who are depressed will drink more alcohol, eat more unhealthy food, sleep longer hours and do things that self-sabotage, purely because they can ‘ t help themselves. Purely so that they will feel better in the moment. Purely to chase away that depression, even if it returns again.

If someone is presented with an opportunity to be unfaithful, their depression just might make them weak enough to lean in, even if they had never had any inclination to do so before.

#5 – Orgasms.

Did you know that having an orgasm fills our bodies with feel good chemicals, chemicals that help alleviate depression for a few hours? Many of those chemicals mimic the medications that are used by doctors to treat depression successfully. With orgasms, we are given them organically.

Unfortunately, for many people, sex with the person they love when they are depressed is not possible. They feel so badly about themselves and believe that the person they love deserves better. Therefore, sex with someone they don ‘ t know, they don ‘ t have a history with, is much easier.

And, when we have sex with a new person, orgasms are plentiful and strong. Very effective means of staving off the depression that is sucking us dry.

Understanding why people who are depressed might be unfaithful is an important part of working through your feelings if your partner has strayed.

If your partner is willing to accept they are depressed and get treatment, it is likely that the infidelity will end. And if it ‘ s does end, there is a much better chance that you and your partner will be able to recover from their betrayal and move on.

Furthermore, treatment will also help them manage their hopelessness, their self-destructive ways and their self-hatred, which will only make them better partners!

How good would that feel?

 

Married and Having an Affair? 5 Pieces of Advice to Keep You Grounded

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Are you married and having an affair?

Do you find yourself, to your surprise, straying from your marriage?

Are you wondering how you got there and what to do next?

Let me help!

When we are in the throes of an affair, we often feel like we are drowning. The highs of being with our person are amazing, but the lows that follow can be all-consuming.

And, chances are, we haven ‘ t had an affair before, so we are most likely feeling way out of our depths as to how to handle it.

Let me share with you advice culled from years of working with people who are having an affair, for those who are married and having an affair, so that you can take a good hard look at the choices you are making for the present and the future!

Here Are 5 Ways to Stay Grounded When Married and Having an Affair

#1 – You are not soul mates.

I know that it feels that way.

I know it feels like, after years of marriage with someone who just doesn ‘ t get you, finding someone who does feel like such a gift. It feels like you finally have a chance at the happiness that has been out of reach for so long.

Most people don ‘ t set out to have an affair. They usually start with two people talking about mundane things. Those mundane things shift to more personal things, things you don ‘ t share with your spouse. Before you know it, you feel very attached to your person and are having an emotional affair. More often than not, that attachment becomes sexual in nature, and the physical affair begins.

And you are sure that you have finally found your soul mate and that you are totally justified in having this affair. But this, I am afraid, is just an illusion.

What you are, in fact, feeling right now is that initial excitement that we feel at the beginning of every relationship. That period of time when we stay up all night talking, when every day feels brighter when the sex has never been better.

Over the course of a relationship, that initial excitement transitions into a more comfortable attachment, one that leads to a committed relationship. With people who are having an affair, that transition never happens because there is no committed relationship, just two people who are meeting clandestinely, having a relationship outside of marriage.

So, understand that while you think you are soul mates, you are really two people who have an intense emotional and chemical attraction, whose time together is always exciting because it is an affair!

#2 – You might hurt your children.

One thing that people who married and having an affair don ‘ t think of is the effect that the relationship might have on the children.

I have a client who was having an affair with a friend ‘ s husband. The families spent a lot of time together and, before the affair, that time was healthy. But, as the affair continued, the married couple having an affair brought a different energy to the get-togethers, one that the other spouses and the children didn ‘ t understand but felt.

The families started spending less time together, and the children suffered because of it.

I have another client who was in the same situation, and they were caught. Their children had to deal with the emotional and societal fallout that was the result. They didn ‘ t understand what was happening, all they knew was that things were bad. And I can guarantee that, as a result, those kids were destined to repeat the same mistakes when they grew up.

So, as you move forward with this affair, think about the effect that it might have on your children, both in the short and long term.

#3 – You aren ‘ t addressing the issues in your marriage.

Many people who are having an affair, they are disconnected emotionally from their spouses.

One of the reasons they are drawn into an affair is because they feel angry/lonely/resentful in their marriage. They would like to address those issues to make their marriage strong again, but its way easier to get involved with someone else instead of dealing.

I have a client whose therapist told her that, by continuing her affair, she was having her emotional needs met, and that was keeping her from trying to make her marriage a happy one. The longer the affair continued, the less she required from her husband. Their marriage was suspended in a bad place, with no hope of change.

It ‘ s important that, to have a happy marriage, our spouses meet our emotional and physical needs. If you go outside of your marriage to have those needs met, your marriage just might be doomed.

#4 – You won ‘ t ever be together.

Many married people who are having an affair, they believe that they will ultimately leave their spouse and be with the person who is their soul mate. And that is a goal that they are working towards every day, or so they believe.

The reality is is that leaving a marriage is very difficult. The societal, familial and financial issues that arise paralyze people, leading them to stay in a marriage, even if it is not a happy one.

Divorce can lead to substantial financial issues that affect both spouses. Divorce means visitation with the kids, not seeing them every day. Divorce means having friends needing to take sides. Divorce means letting go of traditions.

It is way easier to continue the affair and be in a marriage that is ‘ ˜good enough ‘ than to take steps to get a divorce. And, if one person is willing to take the step and the other is not, that will lead to even more unhappiness, this time in a relationship that is meant to cause joy.

#5 – You will be caught.

I know that you feel like you are being super careful. That you are using an encrypted app to communicate, that you meet places where you know no one, and that the stories you tell your spouse about why you were late are readily accepted. But the reality is that the longer the affair continues, the more likely it is that you will be caught.

Don ‘ t kid yourself – you will be caught. People make mistakes, the world is small, and karma is a bitch.

Being married and having an affair are way more common than most people think.

15% of married women have affairs, and 25% of married men do. And more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I am hoping that, if you are reading this article, you are considering what to do about your affair – if it truly is something that you want as a part of your life. I know the ups are amazing, but how bad are the downs? Pretty bad right?

So, keep in mind that you aren ‘ t soulmates, that you won ‘ t ever be together, that your children ‘ s health is at risk and that you will be caught.

Are any of those things worth the risk that you are taking every day? Think about it!

 

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