Why You Feel Like Your Life Is Falling Apart in Month 6 of Covid-19

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If you are like me and many of my clients I am guessing that you feel like your life is falling apart right now.

Do you find that all of the coping mechanisms that you have developed over the years aren ‘ t working? Do you feel worthless or like a failure or like you have no one who loves you? Are you questioning every decision you have ever made and are you wondering how you can ever be at peace again?

I have so many clients who are reaching out to me now, questioning everything in their lives and feeling like they are truly losing their shit. And, yes, they all have stuff they are dealing with but right now their burden feels overwhelming.

If you feel like your life is falling apart right now there are many reasons and most of them have nothing to do with you.

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Life has changed completely.

Think about your life before March 2020. What did you do? Did you go out to eat and travel and visit your in-laws and drop your kids off at school and date and have ready access to toilet paper whenever you wanted it?

Did you assume that, no matter what the state of politics in the US, you had your own happy life, one with ups and downs sure, but with friends and family and freedom?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. All of us always assumed that we would have the freedom to live our lives the way we wanted and, all of a sudden, that freedom was ripped away from us.

For the first time we couldn ‘ t go and do what we wanted to do. Many people lost their jobs and, even if you didn ‘ t lose yours, the unemployment numbers were staggering. Grocery store shelves were bare and any travel plans you had were cancelled.

And the government was confusing us at every turn, giving us no confidence that we knew how to get through this.

This is a HUGE! We have literally been thrown off balance in a way that none of us know how to cope with. We have been pushing through these last few months but now we are tired. Now we are scared. Now we wonder what is next for our family and our country.

And all of these events and emotions are overwhelming us to the point that we are doubting ourselves and our life choices and our ability to accomplish anything. This is what you are feeling.

#2 – There is no end in sight.

Here we are, 6 months into the nightmare that is Covid-19, and there is no end in sight.

In June, we had all hoped that the summer months would help reduce the number of deaths. The President promised us that it would all just magically disappear. Masks became the fashion statement de jour and social distancing was encouraged.

And yet, people continued to fall ill. People were told that Covid was a hoax and didn ‘ t follow protocols that might have saved lives. Schools are re-opening and children and teachers are getting sick. And there is no vaccine in sight.

Who can blame you for feeling hopeless and helpless and out of control of your life, especially when you know your health is being threatened by non-believers. You feel like you have no control right now, over anything, so it ‘ s really hard to feel like you have control over yourself. And that lack of control shows up as self-doubt and anxiety.

#3 – Winter is coming.

I know that in many parts of the US winter coming isn ‘ t as big a deal as it is for most of us but for those of us who do deal with long, cold winters, we know, and dread, what is ahead.

Cold winters mean we all move indoors. Outdoor dining and social events are going to evaporate. Colds and flu will run rampant, creating a fear that with every sniffle or fever we, or our family, have coronavirus. It ‘ s dark and cold and the outside experiences that got us through these last few months are going to be few and far between.

And who knows what is going to happen over the holidays – often the only bright spot before the long days of January, days when we see family and visit warm places. Just the thought of it makes me sad.

Even in the best of times, winter ‘ s approach can be daunting. Right now, as we all struggle with this ongoing pandemic, is seems almost unbearable.

#4 – Politics.

Today, Donald Trump was diagnosed with Covid-19. After six months of publicly denying it (and private confirming how dangerous it was) the President of the United States has this horrible disease and the world is upended.

Before this latest news, we have had 4 years of vitriol, hate and public displays that have dispirited us all. To name a few, in the past few years we have had the Kavanaugh hearings, which raised again the ugly specter of sexual abuse. Ruth Bader Ginsberg died suddenly, creating a constitutional crisis around the Supreme Court. Putin put a bounty on US soldier ‘ s heads and the administration did nothing about it. A foreign leader was encouraged to influence the presidential campaign. Families have been torn apart trying to come into our country. Science has been denied and our world is on fire.

And this is just a very small portion of what we have been dealing with since March 2020 and before.

Imagine if you were from another planet, looking down on those of us living in the US right now, can you imagine the empathy that you would have for us? For those of us, on both sides, who are angry and suffering and scared. For those of us who are afraid for the future of our children. How we are scared that our mothers and fathers will die alone.

If you are feeling off kilter and like your life is falling apart, know that even the strongest, most self-confident person is really struggling right now.

#5 – Too much of a usually good thing.

What is it that we all always wished for in our previous lives? What did we just not have enough of but so wished we did? What was thing that was passing before our eyes?

Time. We always wanted more time.

And now we have it. Lots and lots of time to sit around our homes, trying to stay busy, a little bit bored somedays. Lots and lots of time.

I know that for many people the time has been a good thing. I know couples who have grown closer because their busy lives no longer keep them apart. I know of families who have done things together that they hadn ‘ t done in years. I know that there is a lot of yummy bread and chocolate chip cookies that have been made and devoured. We have had time that we have never had before and it has been good.

The downside to all of that time, however, is that it allows our minds to run wild. The time that you used to spend riding the subway or going to the movies or having long boozy dinners with friends is now time often spent in our heads. Instead of running around, keeping ourselves busy, as is human nature, we are left alone with our thoughts.

The worst thing about our thoughts is that, more often than not, they only run negative tapes. I know that I do have some good memories that I like to play over in my head but more often than not I am thinking about that stupid thing I said in 3rd grade, about that time I chose badminton over track in junior high, about how I never appreciated one gift that my ex husband gave me, about how my depression affected my children.

And what do those negative thoughts do? They make me doubt myself and my abilities and my future in every way.

So, while more time has been a gift, recognize that that gift can also bring us to a place of self-doubt that might not exist if we weren ‘ t spending so much time not busy, alone with our thoughts.

If you are one of many of us who feel like your life is falling apart in month 6 of Covid, know that while it feels like it ‘ s all about you and your weaknesses, it ‘ s not!

The world around us feels like it is crashing and burning and even the most resilient of us are struggling to make it through.

Try to keep in mind, as you are struggling, that you are not a person who is weak or worthless or hasn ‘ t lived up to your own expectations. Instead, take stock of the person you are in the world, the people who love you, the good things that you have done, the things that you know you have to offer the world.

You might not be able to make big change right now but it ‘ s ok. Someday this will all be behind us and life will go on and you will get your stability back. And when you do, watch out world!

How To Let Go Of Obsessive Love Before it Destroys You

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Learning how to let go of obsessive love is an essential part of living a happy life.

Obsessions with anything, whether it be alcohol, ice cream, gambling or video games, can wreak havoc on your life. Obsessive love it even worse because your heart is involved and when your heart is involved, the pain is more intense.

Knowing how to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you is how we get out of a love that is causing us pain and move forward to find true love and happiness. Good for you for reading this article! It ‘ s the first step to living the life you want.

#1 – Be determined.

When we want to let go of obsessive love the first step is to get clear on how determined we are to do it.

Letting go of any love, but especially one that is obsessive, is very difficult and if you don ‘ t have the determination that is necessary to take the steps, it won ‘ t be even worth trying.

So, ask yourself how determined are you to let go of this obsessive love? Are you just at the beginning, wondering if perhaps it ‘ s time to work to let go? Have you been thinking about this for a while but are not yet sure that you are willing to take the steps? Or perhaps has the pain gotten so bad that you know that you must do this to save your life?

Again, to do this work and to be successful with letting go of love, you must be determined – willing to work through the pain and stick with the process so that you can let go and be happy.

So, are you determined? If yes, then on to step number 2!

#2 – Be realistic.

For many of my clients, the object of their obsessive love is not someone who is good to them, someone who treats them the way they should be treated. Instead, their person is someone who treats them indifferently, or perhaps unkindly, who makes them doubt themselves and who renders them miserable more often than not.

I have a client whose partner is a narcissistic, alcoholic. He regularly gaslights her, making her believe that their problems are her fault. He comes and goes as he pleases. He sucks her back in with loving words but then disappears again when he gets bored. He has no friends and struggles to maintain a good relationship with his children.

My client doesn ‘ t see this. Yes, she struggles with pain during the times that he mistreats her but what she holds onto is the good things – the times when he treats her right and when they are happy. She has created a person in her head who he is not and it is that person, the good person, who she is obsessed with.

Is your partner someone who you should love the way you do? Is your partner someone who you would encourage a friend to be with should the shoe be on the other foot? Do you hold onto the person who they were when you first met, believing that that is the person they truly are and that if you just love them enough you will get back to being that person?

If you can take a good look at who your lover really is, someone who mistreats you and makes you miserable, then you are way more likely to be able to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you!

#3 – Set a time line.

I always encourage people to go no contact when they are trying to let go of obsessive love. To block them on their phone, to disconnect with them on social media and to stay away from places they frequent. This is the MOST important part of letting go because if you aren ‘ t in contact with your person, it will be way easier to let them go because they won ‘ t have the ability to suck you back in again with their words and actions. You also won ‘ t feel the pain of seeing that they have gone on with their lives without you.

Going no contact can be extremely difficult to do.

With one of my clients, I encouraged her to set up a time line for disconnecting with her boyfriend, one where she would gradually disconnect from him in a way that would be less painful for her. We agreed that she would immediately block him on her phone, so that she wouldn ‘ t be tempted by his voice and his words. She would continue to look at his social media for a week. At the beginning of the next week, she would shut down Instagram. At the beginning of the third week she would shut down Snapchat. On the fourth week she would post her profile on Hitch.

This process would continue until she was disconnected from him completely. Doing this allowed her to go no contact without the intense pain she was afraid of.

Of course, creating a gradual time line doesn ‘ t work for everyone. Personally, cold turkey is the only thing that works for me. It might be the only thing that works for you too.

#4 – Reconnect.

For many of us who have an obsessive love, we lose contact with friends and family because we literally spend every waking day hoping to hear from our person or orchestrating events that would lead to interaction with them.

I had a client who was involved with a married man. She thought about nothing but him morning, noon and night. As a result, she no longer saw her friends. The things that she used to do with them she no longer did because she sat at home, waiting for him to call. Gradually, her friends stopped reaching out because she was never available.

What we need more than anything, as we work to let go of obsessive love, is our friends. Our friends can listen to our words of sadness, can help distract us from the pain of letting go and help us face the reality of who our person really is, not the person we have created in our head.

So, reach out TODAY to some of your friends. Make a plan to get together. Apologize if necessary, explaining to them what has happened to you. Friends will always be there for you and now you need them more than anything.

#5 – Push back on the pain.

One of the biggest reasons that we have such a hard time letting go of love is because we are afraid of the pain that we will feel if we do so. The human fear of pain is so intense because we literally need it to survive. The fear of pain prevents us from sticking our hand in a fire or cutting ourselves with a knife or throwing ourselves off a cliff because we are scared about the prospect of that pain.

This same idea is why we don ‘ t want to break up with someone – we fear the pain that we will feel if we walk away.

To combat this, I would encourage you to take stock of your life, to take a good look at all you have in the world, to take a good look at who you are as a person.

Think about the person you were before you met this person. I know that the obsessive love that I carried for a man made me feel like a completely different person. Before I met him I was a confident and brave woman who owned her own business and took shit from no one. Two years later, I was a woman who sat at home, waiting for his call, feeling pathetic and full of self-loathing because I had become this person.

Yes, you will feel some pain if you walk away from this person, but how good would it feel to be that person you were before? Would suffering the inevitable pain, which will ease with time, be worth it if you could be back to who you had been, living an authentic life? I know it was for me and here I am today, back to the confident woman I was before, this time with the love of my life, the man who treats me like a queen, at my side!

I know that the idea of having to let go of an obsessive love is scary.

I know that you think you will never be happy again if you do so but I know that you are moving towards being ready because you are reading this article.

Take some time and decide how determined you are to do this. If you are ready to do the work, take stock of the person you love – are they who you think they are? Are you ready to step away from all interactions with them? Are you looking forward to reconnecting with your friends and yourself?

I know that you can do this. I know that you can let go of obsessive love and live the life you have always wanted, full of love and happiness.

Take the steps now and make it happen!

Why Dating A Married Man Will Only Lead to Heartbreak

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If you are thinking about having an affair, let me first tell you why dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to heartbreak.

The concept that dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to a broken seems like a no brainer – they are married and therefore off the market. A vow has been made that both people need to honor and straying from those vows just shouldn ‘ t be an option.

Unfortunately, in this world of life and love, it ‘ s just not that simple. Married people do, for many reasons, get involved with people outside of their marriage. Perhaps they are unhappy or insecure or lonely or chronically unfaithful. For whatever reason, people stray.

While it seems that the spouse would be the one left most injured in this situation, it is often the person who chooses to date the married person who will suffer most. Don ‘ t believe me?

Here are 5 reasons why dating a married man or woman will only lead to heartbreak. Read them and you will see that my words are true.

#1 – They will never leave their spouse. Ever.

I had a client who reconnected with a college boyfriend via Facebook. They struck up an innocent conversation and agreed to meet the next time he was in the city for work. He was married and she was not. Unfortunately, when they met under the clock at Grand Central Station their college connection sparked back up immediately.

He had been unhappily married for years and she was very lonely after her divorce and the connection was so organic and easy. Within days they fell in bed, within weeks they were professing their love for each other and within a month he said he was leaving his wife for her. She was so happy. All of her dreams were coming true.

Two years later, my client was still waiting for her lover to leave his wife.

Her lover genuinely loved her, that she knew, but there was always a reason why he couldn ‘ t leave. His daughter was having a hard time, his son was going off to college, a summer vacation had been planned, the holidays were approaching.

‘ ˜I will do it after that ‘ he was always promising. And he never did. Never.

I can tell you story after story after story like this one, where the married person swears they willleave their spouse for their new lover but they don ‘ t. They don ‘ t want to hurt their children or make a decision that has financial consequences or disappoint extended family or damage their reputation in the community. So, they don ‘ t leave.

And, really, why do they need to? They have you hook, line and sinker. You are sitting at home waiting for them, always available for support and sex. They have everything they want from you without giving up their family.

So, first and foremost, know that, one of the major reasons why you should never date a married man (or woman) is because they will never leave their spouse. Period.

#2 – Life as you know it will cease to exist.

When you are dating married man or woman, your life will cease to move forward in any meaningful way.

Think about when you start dating someone. You meet, you are attracted and you get to know each other. You talk about hopes and dreams for the future. You commit to being exclusive. You meet each other ‘ s friends and family. You take steps to move in together and maybe get married. All of those things are the natural progression of a healthy relationship.

When you get involved with a married man or woman, everything is different. Yes, you have the fun beginning – the meeting, the attraction, the staying up all night talking, the belief that you have found the love of your life. But that is where it ends.

If you are involved with a married man or woman, you will never meet their friends and family, you will never be able to take steps towards a future together. All of your talk about a future together will be empty because your person isn ‘ t leaving their spouse.

So, there you are,in stasis, not moving forward with life and love because you are waiting for your person to take action. You get sadder and lonelier and angrier and obsessed with the situation you are in. You give up dating and friends and hobbies so that you can be available whenever your lover wants to see you.

Life as you know it stops.

Life is short and every minute that you spend waiting for someoneto leave their spouse and commit to you is a wasted one and one that will keep you from finding the person who can love you fully and give you the life you want.

#3 – You will hate yourself.

For my client, one of the reasons that her lover was so attracted to her in the beginning was because she was a hot ticket. She had a cool studio in the city from which she had started her own business. She did volunteer work and made a huge difference in the lives of people living with mental illness. She was a great parent and an amazing lover. All of those things made him fall in love with her hard and fast.

Over the two years she waited for her lover to leave his wife, my client ‘ s life fell apart. Her work suffered, she lost touch with her friends, volunteering because increasingly hard and depression was her constant companion.

Furthermore, she detested herself for her inability to walk away from her lover. She grew to realize over time that his promises, while well meant, were empty. She knew that she was lonely and angry and that her self-hatred grew every day and yet she found herself incapable of picturing a life without him and she just couldn ‘ t saygoodbye.

One day, my client told me that she felt like a shadow of the person she was when she started out on this affair. She didn ‘ t have to self-confidence to take the steps that she needed to take to get her life back. She was lost and empty.

The love that initially fed her, body and soul, was sucking her dry.

#4 – You will always feel alone.

The days that my client felt most acutely unhappy in her relationship with her married man were those special days – the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

She spent her birthday alone with a bouquet of flowers that had been delivered in the morning. She spent Christmas alone, looking at pictures of his family around the tree that his daughter had posted on Instagram. Weekends were spent waiting for text messages. Night times were not for dating but for watching TV. Alone.

Once, for his birthday, she bought him a new briefcase – a beautiful leather one to replace his raggedy old canvas one. She presented it to him with excitement only to be told after he opened it that his wife had purchased him a new one and that he would have to use it. She was devastated. All of the thought and love that she had put into the gift was for not.

So, as you consider embarking on an affair with a married man or woman, consider that you will spend a lot of time alone, waiting on your person to take steps to be with you and knowing that chances are good that they won ‘ t.

#5 – It will all fall apart in the end.

Every healthy relationship is based on two things – communication and trust. An affair involves the absence of both of those things.

Obviously, if you are dating a married man or woman, you are involved with someone who is cheating on their partner and all trust is nonexistent. How can you ultimately trust someone who you know is willing to cheat? The old adage ‘ When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy ‘ rings true every time.

Furthermore, the foundation of a healthy relationship is communication and if most conversations are full of lies and false promises and lead to only hurt and disappointment, healthy communication will cease and any relationship will be doomed from the start.

In other words, if in fact your dreams do come true and your loverleavestheir partner, your relationship will be doomed to fail. After all that pain and suffering. Doomed.

Dating a married man (or woman) is an excellent way to ensure your heart, and your life, will be shattered into a million pieces.

Know that, if you choose to go down the infidelity path, your lover will never leave his spouse and his family, your life will be put on hold, you will always be lonely and your self-esteem will plummet. Moreover, should you ever get the relationship you desire, it will be dead on arrival because trust and communication will no longer exist.

I know that right now your married person seems like the answer to all of your dreamsbut know that they are, instead, the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do (And to Not Do) When Your Spouse is Feeling Depressed

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When your spouse is feeling depressed it can feel like the world is ending. Watching your loved one suffer and feeling helpless in the face of it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fortunately, when your spouse is feeling depressed, there are things that you can do to support them through it. Almost more importantly, there are things that you definitely shouldn ‘ t do to help your person manage and get through their depression.

Here are 5 of things you can do and 5 things you shouldn’t do.

#1 – Acknowledge but don ‘ t fix.

When you see your spouse feeling depressed, it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t run away from them.

Dealing with depression and sadness is daunting and the instinct is often to run away because we don ‘ t know what to do.

The most important thing for you to do when your spouse is feeling depressed is to acknowledge to them that you see that they are depressed. Just knowing that your partner is aware of how you are feeling can help people manage their depression.

Once you have acknowledged their depression, is it important that you don ‘ t try to talk your partner out of it. Don ‘ t say ‘ ˜but your life is great, why are you depressed? ‘ or ‘ ˜it ‘ s such a pretty day out – be happy ‘ or ‘ ˜snap out of it. ‘

All of those things will only serve to let your spouse know that you don ‘ t, in fact, understand the place they are in and it will only make them feel worse because they know all those things to be true but can ‘ t snap out of it nonetheless.

So, when your spouse is feeling depressed, acknowledge what you see but don ‘ t, don ‘ t, don ‘ t try to fix it

#2 – Give them space, if they want it.

Many of us, when we are feeling depressed, need some space to help manage it.

It ‘ s a lot of work trying to be positive for someone when we are depressed so giving us space can be very helpful.

That being said, giving us too much space can make us feel alone and even more mired in our depression so it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t abandon us completely.

Perhaps you could go for a run and then come home and just be in the house, not being overly cheerful but checking in on your person to let them know you are there. Perhaps you could suggest a movie to take your partner ‘ s mind off of the depression, even if just temporarily.

Ask your partner what they want as far as space. Hopefully they can be self aware and let you know what they need. Once you know, making every effort to give it to them will help them manage the depression and hopefully ride it out.

#3 – Make a plan and stick to it.

What I did so that my boyfriend would know what to do when I was struggling with depression is, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I did need when I was feeling down. That way, if I wasn ‘ t able to articulate what I needed when I am feeling depressed then he would have a resource to help him help me.

For me, when I am feeling depressed, there are a few things that always help. They are: a hike, a movie, sex, Pad Thai and a nap. All of those things I know will help me manage my depression. They might not get rid of my depression but the distraction of a movie and a nap, the endorphins produced by a hike and sex and the sheer yumminess of Pad Thai are all things that can help me through.

Once my partner knew what I needed when I was depressed it was way easier for him to help me through it.

So, make a plan with your partner about what they need when they are feeling depressed. Knowing what your spouse needs will make it way easier for you to feel like you are doing good helping them.

#4 – Be positive but be real.

It is important that, when your partner is feeling depressed, you make an effort to be positive. Misery loves company so if you are down when your partner is down, it might make things worse.

That being said, being overly positive, to the point that you are cloying and annoying won ‘ t help at all. Don ‘ t tell them that their life is good, that people love them, that the sun is out, that they have no reason to be unhappy, that they should just snap out of it. None of these things will help and could only make things work. People get depressed, even if all of those things above are true.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, be positive. Tell them that you love them and that you see them and that you accept where they are right now. Tell them that you will be there for them, no matter what.

If you are feeling down yourself, perhaps because your partner is depressed, be honest with them and take some time for yourself. If you can ‘ t be positive, you aren ‘ t good for your spouse.

#5 – Seek help but don ‘ t push.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, it is important to know that help is out there.

Oftentimes, when those we love are struggling, it ‘ s easy to get mired in the now – in the tears, the anger and the chaos that can result when your spouse is feeling depressed.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources out there for both people living with depression and for those who love them. Seeing a therapist or a life coach, getting involved with a support group, talking to your primary care doctor or getting involved with NAMI are all great resources for dealing with depression. Make yourself familiar with them and use them as you see fit.

It is important to know that you can ‘ t force your spouse to get help. Until they are willing to accept that they are depressed and be willing to reach out to a doctor or therapist, any attempts by you to get them help will be useless. What you can do is share the resources that you find with your partner so that they know they are out there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed, they get so hopeless that it ‘ s hard to believe that anything could possibly help. So, make the info available for when they are ready.

When your spouse is feeling depressed it can sometimes feel like the world is ending.

You love your partner but the chaos caused by the depression can be hard to deal with. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help mitigate the damage and perhaps make change going forward.

Make sure you acknowledge your partner’s mood but don ‘ t try to fix it, give them space but not too much, make a plan for how to manage, be positive but not cloying and know that there is help out there.

Depression gets worse the more it goes untreated so it ‘ s important that you pay attention to your spouse ‘ s depression and if you see it getting deeper, consider reaching out to your family doctor for help. They can help you take the first steps towards helping your spouse get better.

5 Expectations To Set For Yourself When Going Through a Break Up

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When you are going through a break up, the prospect of getting on with your life seems completely impossible.

You are alone, in pain, missing your person and you have no hope that you will ever be happy again. Your life is horrible and you aren ‘ t sure how you are going to get through it.

I can promise you that you will get through it. Broken hearts don ‘ t last forever and there are some things that you can do to hasten their mending.

An important piece of getting over your broken heart quicker is to set expectations for yourself when you are going through a break up, expectations that will allow you to be strong in the face of everything that is happening and have hope for the future.

Let me share some excellent expectations that you can set so that you can get well and move one.

#1- You will not reach out.

What I tell my clients who are going through a break up is that the number one most important part of surviving a break up and getting past it is to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘

Many of us seek to be friends with our ex or stalk them on social media or ask their friends how they are – generally just going about our lives as if our ex was still a part of it.

And this never works.

A client of mine, whose boyfriend broke up with her after 8 years, was obsessed with following his Instagram and Facebook feeds. She saw him looking happy, going on with his life and getting a new girlfriend. The hurt that she felt looking at his life was so much that it stopped her from moving on. She stayed obsessed with him and the pain wouldn ‘ t fade.

What I reminded her was that social media didn ‘ t necessarily present the truth of someone ‘ s life and that the information that she saw wasn ‘ t necessarily real. If she could let go of her obsession and not need to know everything about his life, she would be able to move on.

Unfortunately, he started calling her and she started talking to him. They never got back together but they talked with each other regularly, stoking her hopes that they could reunite. A year later, she was still attached to him and in pain.

So, if there is one thing that you take away from this article it ‘ s the importance of not being in contact with your ex – it will only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on.

#2 – You will not seek closure.

If there is one thing that I don ‘ t believe in it is closure.

I believe that closure is just one more excuse to see your partner again and to try to convince them not to break up with you. When people seek closure it rarely works out the way they want it to and, if it does, the relationship usually ends again somewhere down the line.

If your partner breaks up with you, accept it and move on. They may or may not have told you reasons that satisfy your need to understand why but the reality is is that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever reason.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. Go no contact on day one and you will heal quicker that way.

#3 -You will not play the victim.

For many years, after my ex-husband and I divorced, I played the victim.

I told people that he left me for another person, that he walked away from me and destroyed our family. Woe is me. I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. Please pity me.

The truth of the matter is is that our marriage had not be healthy for a long time. I was unhappy but not yet ready to give up on it. He decided to give up on it first and I was devastated – devastated at being abandoned and at the prospect of my kids being the children of divorce like I was.

What helped me most was when I stopped looking at myself as the one who had been abandoned and started looking at myself as the person who was lucky to get out of a marriage that was making me unhappy. I had been given an opportunity to have a new life and I started relishing it.

By not playing the victim I was able to view myself as a strong woman, one who could live a good and successful life, in spite of the cards that I had been dealt, marriage wise.

#4 – You will take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we go through a break up, we curl up in our beds, eat ice cream and binge watch 1980’s romance movies. And, while this can work for a while because it comforts us, in the long run it will only make the pain of going through a break up worse.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a new client going through a break up and she said that she was going to take the rest of the week off of work because she was sad. I suggested to her that she shouldn ‘ t take those days off. Being at work, which she loved, would keep her busy and with people she cared about, it would give her an opportunity to not reach out to her ex because she would be occupied and it would make her feel good about herself because she wasn ‘ t walking away from her job during this busy time. She loved that idea and off to work she went today, feeling pretty good about yourself.

So, when you are going through a break up, I encourage you to spend a few days wallowing in your pain but then get up and start taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat well and get some sleep. Spend time with the family and friends who love you. Do something that you love to do but that you couldn ‘ t do when you were part of a couple. Dig yourself into your work. Whatever you can do to make you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the person who walked away.

#5 – You will keep the faith.

For many clients of mine who are going through a break up they believe that they will never love and be loved again. They feel so badly about themselves that they can ‘ t see any person ever loving them and they can fathom that they could ever truly love someone the way they loved their ex.

I am here to tell you that this never happens. Without exception, every client of mine who has gone through a break up finds someone again. And, more often than not, the person they find is far better than the one who broke up with them. If you do your work after a break up, if you identify what happened and what your role was in it, then you will seek someone who is good for you, nicer to you and a better fit.

So, don ‘ t give up on the fact that you will love and be loved again. Wallow for a bit and then start taking care of yourself. When you are healed, you will put energy out in the world that will attract you to the person you are meant to be with.

I promise.

Setting expectations for yourself when going through a break up is the best way to get through the pain and out the other side intact.

Just lying on the coach wallowing in pain will get you nowhere. But if you make conscious decisions about how you are going to proceed with your life, decisions that you would make around work or exercise or goals, then you are way more likely to have success getting past your break up and moving on.

Go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ immediately, don ‘ t seek closure, don ‘ t play the victim, take care of yourself and don ‘ t give up hope for the future.

A broken heart is one of the worst things that you can go through in your life but you, and only you, can heal it so set yourself some goals and expectations to do so and you will succeed.

You can do it!

What You Need to Know about Surviving Infidelity in a Toxic Marriage

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Surviving a partner ‘ s infidelity can be very difficult but surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage can seem almost impossible.

A toxic marriage is one that is already fraught with all sorts of issues – contempt, fighting, silence and secrets. When you add infidelity into the mix, it is a recipe for disaster.

Fortunately, there are things that, if you are aware of them, can help you navigate surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage. The path that you will be navigating is an unfamiliar one but one that you can get to end of intact, with some awareness and action.

#1 – It ‘ s not about you…

Many people who have been cheated on blame themselves for the infidelity.

They believe that if they had only been nicer or given their partner enough sex or dressed better or lost that 10 pounds that their partner would not have strayed. And this just isn ‘ t the case.

Of course, infidelity doesn ‘ t occur in a void and marriages that are already toxic are especially vulnerable to cheating, but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are to blame for what happened.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but not usually because your partner looks at you and finds you lacking. Cheating happens because the marriage is damaged and someone else comes along who can temporarily distract one partner from the pain. Infidelity is rarely sought out – it finds us in places that we never expected.

So, first and foremost, you are not to blame for your partners infidelity. The responsibility lies squarely on their shoulders. After all, you are in this toxic relationship as well and you never strayed.

Keep this in mind and surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is possible!

#2 – …but it is up to you.

What is your responsibility is deciding what you are going to do next after discovering your partner ‘ s infidelity. This is a key part of getting through this and something that only you can decide.

You have a number of choices.

  • You can decide to leave. Your relationship is already toxic – is it now beyond repair?
  • You can decide to stay and work on your marriage.
  • You can decide to accept that infidelity might be a part of your marriage going forward and just go about your own life.

Which of these things do you want? Perhaps it ‘ s a combination of things that might work. Perhaps you might opt for therapy with the determination that if it doesn ‘ t help you are gone. Perhaps you might walk away until your spouse gets therapy to figure out their issues. Perhaps you accept the infidelity as long as he agrees to offer you something in return.

The options are there – it is up to you to decide what course to take. If you simply sit around, obsessing about the infidelity, all you are going to do is make yourself miserable and your marriage worse.

Make the decision about how you want to move forward and make it happen.

#3 – Remorse is essential.

One thing to help you aid in your decision about what actions to take next is whether or not your partner is remorseful about their actions. Do they accept responsibility for the pain that they have caused you and are they willing and able to make amends? Are they willing to share with you the information that you need, such as where, why and when, so that you can process what happened and decide next steps? Are they willing to stay away from their cheating partner?

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to communicate with you openly, there is no chance that getting help and working on your marriage will get you through this. If they blame you for what they did, telling you that it is your fault that they strayed, then you will be forever doomed to having a partner who is playing the victim and making you feel bad about yourself.

Do you want to be in a relationship like that?

#4 – Don ‘ t seek revenge.

When our partners stray, we are often so hurt and angry that we want to act out, to hurt that person the way that they hurt us. And what do we do? We seek revenge.

Revenge comes in many forms. Revenge can be taking the children and leaving. It can be about withholding love and affection. It can be telling the whole world about the infidelity. It can be about being passively aggressive in your interactions with them so that they suffer, drip by drip. Or it can be like Lorena Bobitt, who cut off her husband ‘ s penis (and went to jail) after discovering he had cheated.

Whatever kind of revenge that you are thinking of, DON ‘ T DO IT. It is essential that, in this stressful time, you hold your head up high and act in a way that is irreproachable. Act in a way that won ‘ t give your partner fuel for the fire for blaming you. Act in a way that your friends and family see you as a good person and so they will choose to support you. Act in a way that won ‘ t cause you any remorse down the road.

You are probably feeling pretty bad about yourself right now and, while revenge might feel like the answer, it ‘ s not.

And, actually, the best revenge will be your partner seeing you not falling apart but presenting yourself with grace and dignity in the face of what has happened!

#5 – Get help!

You are going through something that you have never gone through before – recovering from the aftermath of infidelity. While the tendency to go it alone, to heal by yourself, is strong, you have never walked this road before and getting help is essential.

I know that you might be ashamed about what has happened and you are worried that your therapist or life coach will judge you but I can promise you they won ‘ t. Many people go through this every day and a professional will only seek to support you through this time, not judge you. I promise.

Whether its individual therapy or life coaching, marital counseling or some combination of the both, seeking assistance from a professional during these horrible times will set you up for getting through all of this and coming out the other side in a healthy way.

Even if your partner won ‘ t agree to getting help, do it for yourself. You may or may not stay with this person but you will always be with yourself. Knowing how to like and love yourself is a key to being happy, with or without another person.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach (perhaps me!) today and get the help that you need processing what has happened and how to move forward.

Surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is something that can happen, with some self-awareness and action.

No matter what you decide to do, stay or go, it is possible for you to get through this intact and come out the other side happy.

Don ‘ t blame yourself but instead ask yourself what you want to do next. Get a sense of whether or not your partner is remorseful and don ‘ t seek revenge, whether they are or aren ‘ t. And get someone to help you get through these difficult times. You can ‘ t go it alone, even if you want to.

I know it feels like life will never be okay again, but it will be. I promise!

How to Manage Your Depression When The World Seems to be in Chaos

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The other night I was sitting in the bathtub, soaking away the effects of the day. Suddenly I started crying. Not just crying, sobbing. I didn ‘ t know what was going on.

And then it hit me. The world was in chaos and I was going through some serious major life changes and out of nowhere it was all catching up to me. I wasn ‘ t used to things catching up to me so it made me very uncomfortable.

When I am uncomfortable I will figure out whatever it is I need to do to be comfortable so I was determined to push past this. And, with some work, I did.

Here are some things that you can do to manage your depression as the world is falling apart.

#1 – Allow yourself to cry.

Recently I have been having some arm problems and I have been seeing a rolfer to help me. She told me that she thought my arm problems were emotional – that the stress I was under was showing up in my body.

She encouraged me to let those emotions go. To really sit with the emotions when they crop up and let my body deal with them.

So, I did. I sat in the bathtub and cried. And cried. And cried. I took many deep breaths in between sobs. I allowed my body to let go of what I was feeling

As I cried, my mind kept wandering off to ways that I could fix what was causing the overwhelm but I would pull it back. I knew that now was the time for feeling my feelings and that later I would try to fix it.

An hour later I emerged from the bathtub, exhausted. I went to bed and woke up in the morning, feeling great, ready to manage my depression in a productive way.

If you are trying to manage your depression, try doing what I did. Sit with your feelings. Let your body process the emotions and let them go. When you do this, you are setting yourself up for managing your depression for a life of success.

#2 – Take stock of what is bringing you down.

A big part of how to manage your depression is knowing what is causing it. If we don ‘ t know what is depressing us it is impossible to deal with it.

So, the day after my crying jag, I made a list of the things that might be making me depressed. I was in the middle of a big move, away from my kids. I had developed a frozen shoulder over the past year. I was going to be on the road a lot over the next week doing presentations. My dog was habitually pooping in my son ‘ s room at night. My boyfriend was going through a really hard time in his personal life.

I also thought about all that was going on in the world around me. The Covid-19, which had been happening for a few months, and the demonstrations and the accompanying unrest, were super scary and made me unsure about the future of our my children and our wonderful nation. Those things were making my depression worse and I hadn ‘ t even noticed it.

It was amazing how freeing it was to identify all of the things that I had going on in my life. By doing so, I didn ‘ t feel ashamed of my depression, ashamed that I was weak and couldn ‘ t handle my life. Seeing all of the things that I had going on made me realize that my depression was merited.

And that made me motivated to deal with it.

#3 – Make a plan.

I believe that to get through anything you need to have a plan. Without a plan, you are going to approach things haphazardly and any success will be purely luck.

So, for me, I had to look at the things that were depressing me and figure out how to attack them.

As to my move – I made a list of what needed to be done. I made a plan to travel to see my kids regularly. I vowed to cut down the number of presentations that I was doing. I would try feeding my dog earlier in the evening so that she could do her business before I went to bed. And I wouldn ‘ t take my boyfriend ‘ s problems on myself – they were his problems, not mine.

And, to manage my depression around the outside world, I promised myself that I would not look at the news more than twice a day and to acknowledge that our country has gotten through worse and that it would survive, even if it took a while.

Making a plan for dealing with my depression helped calm me down pretty quick. Knowing that I had a plan gave me the freedom to take some deep breaths and get ready to deal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

One thing that I realized when I was taking inventory of what was making me depressed was that I had stopped taking care of myself. I was so depressed that I wasn ‘ t walking everyday like I usually did. I was traveling a lot so I wasn ‘ t eating well. My sleep was off and I was drinking more than usual.

A big part of being strong enough to deal with overwhelm is taking care of yourself. Keeping your body and mind healthy gives you the tools that you need for overcoming overwhelm for a life of success.

So, take care of yourself. What are the best things that you can do for yourself right now?

#5 – Ask for help.

We women believe that we can do it all by ourselves. That no one else can do it as well as we can and that if we ask for help we are admitting that we just can ‘ t do it ourselves.

Well, let me tell you that I know, from personal experience, that that just isn ‘ t true. We all needhelp and if we can ask for it then we can do anything.

For me, I knew that I really needed to get my arm taken care of because having an injured wing made everything much worse. So, I started seeing a rolfer, an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. These practitioners are not only helping me with my arm but they are helping me deal with all of the emotions that are causing the overwhelm.

I have also asked my boyfriend to help me manage things around the house and have hired a contractor to do what he can ‘ t. I am parceling out my presentations to people I have trained to do them, people who really can do as good a job as me. And I recently got some CBD oil to help me sleep.

When I sleep the world is just a better place.

I also started seeing my therapist again. She is a good person to talk to about how to manage my depression in the midst of my personal, and extended, issues. It ‘ s always helpful to have a listening ear when one is struggling.

So, ask for help if you need it. Don ‘ t go it alone. There are people out there who can and want to help you so go for it.

Being able to manage your depression in the midst of personal and public chaos can be difficult to do. There is so much going on and so much stress in our lives and the prospect of managing it all can seem impossible.

But it is possible!

Let yourself feel your emotions, identify what is overwhelming you, make a plan, take care of yourself and ask for help!

This is your life to live. Take the reins and live it well. You can do it!

5 Ways Setting Expectations after Breaking Up Can Help You Move On

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The importance of setting expectations after breaking up is not something that can not be overemphasized.

You have been in a relationship with this person for weeks, months or years and now that relationship is ending and what is next? Life without the other person is uncharted territory, territory that, believe it or not, if you manage it together, you will be able get past and move on faster.

Setting expectations after breaking up can be a complicated, especially when the emotions around break ups are so fraught. Let me share with you 5 expectations that you can set TOGETHER that will help you both manage those crazy emotions and move on.

#1 – No stalking.

One of the biggest problems with social media is that, after breaking up, we have endless access to information about our exes.

Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook etc allow us to, from the comfort of our own home, watch as the life of our ex unfolds without us. Whether what we see posted is reflective of the truth or not, when we see our ex happy without us it cuts us to the core.

A client of mind knew that she had to break up with her boyfriend of 8 years and was ready to move on. And then he got a new girlfriend and she became obsessed with how the new relationship happily played out on Instagram. As a result, she was drawn more and more back into her feelings for him, missing him and wondering if things could have been different. And then one day he called, told her he was miserable and she learned that all the posts she had been obsessed were social media curated.

So, when setting expectations after breaking up, make sure that one of them is that you unfriend/unfollow each other immediately. If you can make that decision together, that you can disconnect from each other electronically so that you can get on with your lives, then one or both of you won ‘ t be hurt when you are blindsided about an unfollow notification.

I can promise you, if you can do this one thing, you will be a long way along the path of getting over your ex and moving on.

#2 – No trash talking.

Whether you do the breaking up or are broken up with, the anger that occurs at the end of a relationship can be very destructive. The desire to funnel that anger somewhere, to put it out there to the universe, to let others know what a jerk your ex is, is almost irresistible.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when you are setting expectations after breaking up is whether or not you BOTH can refrain from trash talking each other. What happened in your relationship was between the two of you. Yes, she might have cheated or he might have been abusive but that is between the two of you. The impulse to get sympathy from someone else from telling a one sided story is never productive and usually ends up with more acrimony and anger.

So, when talking through setting expectations after breaking up, agree that the issues that you had will stay between you and that neither of you will talk badly about each other to the world.

At the very least, not talking about your ex will help you move past them. Every time you rehash things with anyone, everything just gets stirred up again.

#3 – No yo-yoing.

Another very important expectation to set after ending your relationship is that there will be no yo-yoing.

Yo-yong is the very painful occurrence when one person keeps coming and going in a relationship. One person says they want out of the relationship but then changes their mind, comes back and then leaves again. Or they drunk text for a booty call. Or they say they want to try again but not tell anyone.

For those of us who have had our heart broken, the inclination to give our ex a second chance is hard to resist. So, we do and, for a few days, life is grand. And then they leave again and we go back to where we were, broken and in pain.

For those of us who have broken up, we get bored or lonely or depressed and we want to soothe ourselves and who better to do so with then our ex.

Yo-yoing isn ‘ t good for anyone. The coming and going messes with everyone ‘ s emotions – the person who got left is hurt over and over and the person who keeps coming bac

k feels guilty, stupid and confused.

Agree, when you break up, that what you have decided is for good and that, even if loneliness or boredom directs you towards self-sabotage, you will not reunite with your ex and start the craziness all over again.

#4 – No closure.

If there is one thing that I believe is the most nonproductive and pain producing part of the end of a relationship, it ‘ s ‘ ˜closure. ‘

I truly believe that closure is purely an excuse for the person being left to have one more face to face with their ex so that they can spend time with them and perhaps talk them into coming back.

Closure usually involves hours of circular conversations and ends with lots of tears and still no resolution. No matter what is said, both people go away broken and in pain.

One of my exes and I agreed on the ineffectiveness of ‘ ˜closure ‘ and so, when we broke up, we just moved on. It was hard but it was much easier for me to get past the break up having no contact with him. Months later, after we had both suffered and recovered, we ran into each other and to this day are very good friends. I believe it ‘ s because we didn ‘ t have to go round and round and suck the life out of each other, analyzing our break up.

So, after breaking up, it ‘ s important that both sides make an effort to say what they need to say so that they can both move on and find happiness.

#5 – No friendship.

I know – this sounds really harsh, but, in reality, being friends after a breakup is counterproductive and just leads to more pain.

If you have been in a romantic, intimate relationship with someone, being friends is a big leap of faith, especially if one party has been blindsided by the break up.

Friendship involves trust and kindness and confidence and loyalty and, usually, when people go through a break up, these things have been absent for a while. To try to be friends with someone who you have hurt, or who has hurt you, is, I believe, more often than not, a reason to spend more time with this person you love or fill the void left when you dumped them

I do believe that, after a time, after the intense pain has passed, people can be friends again but in the short term, while anger and hurt abound, being friends will only prolong the break up and the pain.

Setting expectations after breaking up sounds like an impossible thing to do but, if done with intention, it can make a big difference in the amount of pain that is endured and the amount of time it takes to move on.

After breaking up, agree to rules around social media, agree to not talk badly about each other to friends and family, agree that the break up has happened and that there will be no turning back, that there will be no closure and no friendship in the short term.

I know that you are in pain right now and that your ex is probably struggling as well. If you can work together, setting expectations, you will be able to move on quickly and healthily and find the love that you have always sought!

You can do it!

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong When You Are Depressed

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Can it be challenging to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?

Absolutely yes!

I know because I have been there…

I have struggled with depression for my whole life. 55 years. For a long time, I didn ‘ t have a name for why I always felt so hopeless and full of despair. I just lived with it.

And then I got married. And he had to live with it too. It was not fun. And we ended up divorcing.

Fortunately, since then I have learned a few things because now I have a new boyfriend and I don ‘ t want to history to repeat itself.

Keeping your relationship strong when you are depressedcan be very difficult but I am here to tell you that relationships don ‘ t have to self-destruct because of it.

What can you do?

#1 – Pay attention.

Those of us wholive with depression can usually tell when it hits. Simple tasks that just the day before were easy to do become difficult. Sleep is elusive. We are short tempered and crabby. Each of us manifests depression differently but usually we know when we are experiencing it.

Keeping in touch with your depression and sharing its presence with your partner is very important. Don ‘ t just expect your partner to guess that you are depressed. They might not recognize the signs and might not respond to your new mood and that could lead to some big problems between the two of you.

Before my diagnoses, I didn ‘ t tell my husband when I felt depressed because I often didn ‘ t recognize it. I was just crabby and mean and not fun to be around. And I expected him to fight through all of that and make an effort to make me feel better. Of course, he couldn ‘ t. He thought I was just being mean and crabby and he wanted nothing to do with me. If only I had told him what was going on, if I had recognized what was going on, perhaps he would have had some sympathy and given me what I needed.

So, when depression hits, be clear about it. You and your partner have a bit of a battle ahead. Together.

#2 – Communicate.

Even the most sympathetic of partners doesn ‘ t really understand what depression is like unless they suffer from it themselves. Because of this, it ‘ s important to try to teach them what depression looks like for you.

When we first talked about my depression, my message for my new boyfriend was 1) you haven ‘ t caused this and 2) you can ‘ t fix it and 3) I can ‘ t just suck it up and feel better. For me, it was essential that he knew these three things to be true.

Next, I explained to him what my depression looked like. That when I was depressed I felt like I had a gorilla on my back. Moving around, getting things done, communicating effectively, all required such a herculean effort that I could barely manage. When I was depressed I was exhausted, easily angered, prone to long bouts of crying. Going to work, seeing his family, taking care of myself, all filled me with such an overwhelming sense of dread that I couldn ‘ t bear it.

So, when you ARE NOT depressed, take some time and share your experience with your partner. The better understanding they have of your depression the more likely you can keep your relationship strong when you are depressed.

#3 – Plan ahead.

A key part of dealing with depression for me, and for my boyfriend, is that I was able to, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I needed when I was depressed. I knew from experience what I needed to get through my depression. Sharing it with my partner was key.

For me, when I get depressed I need four things: to get outside, to sleep, Pad Thai and sex. I knew that those things would not cure my depression but that they made living with it easier.

So, when I WAS NOT depressed, my boyfriend and I made a plan for what to do when I was. We would let me sleep in, go for a hike, get Pad Thai, have sex and send me back to sleep. We would do that, or some variation of that, to stay connected while I was depressed and help me get through it.

What we also agreed was that he wouldn ‘ t try to fix it. Many people want to fix things. You can ‘ t fix depression. Accepting that was a great way for my boyfriend to manage when I was depressed because he wasn ‘ t constantly frustrated, searching for ways to help me.

#4 – Support your partner.

So, you have talked to your partner about your depression and made a plan for what you need when you are in it. Both of those things are great. Proactive. Good for you.

Sometimes, however, those things just don ‘ t work and you are both miserable. You are short tempered and difficult and not fun to be with.

At times like that, let your partner go. Let them go about their day, guilt free. The last thing in the world you want to do is tether someone you love to your depression.

Encourage your partner to go do something they love instead of hang around being miserable with you. If you let them do this they will come home refreshed and better able to support you. And they might even bring you some Pad Thai.

#5 – Agree to get help.

One of the hardest things for someone who loves someone with depression is their sense of helplessness. They know that there is nothing that they can do to help their partner get out of this dark place. And that sense of helplessness can tear relationships apart.

What can you do? You can agree to seek help dealing with your depression. That help can be what you want it to be: medication, yoga, therapy. Whatever works for you.

It is important, to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed, to know that the depression isn ‘ t something that will be ignored but that needs to be addressed head on. That it is something that you can both learn to deal with and take on together. As a couple.

Get some help. Both for you and for the one you love.

It can be extremely difficult to keep a relationship strong when you are depressed.

Depression can have a devastating effect on relationships. It doesn ‘ t have to be a death knell, however. Somerelationships can actually thrive when couples tackle depression together.

Share with your partner what your depression looks like, allow them to fully understand it and share with you the tools you have in place to manage it. Give them the freedom to escape from it for a bit if necessary. But be in it together.

Because if together you can manage depression then there is nothing else that you can ‘ t take on. Together.

You can do this!

Do you want to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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