I always tell my clients that the number one most important piece of a healthy relationship is trust. Without trust, a relationship, not matter how full of love, will die. It is that simple.

Unfortunately, over time, many of my clients lose trust in their partner. Perhaps its because they don’t do what they say they are going to do. Perhaps because they tell little (or big) white lies. Perhaps they have been caught in behaviors outside of the marriage. Whatever the reason, when trust dies, the relationship will soon be over without a concerted effort to rebuild it.

Many people don’t know how to rebuild trust after it has eroded or how to maintain trust as a relationship progresses. I want to change that.

Rebuilding and maintaining trust in a relationship is all about communication, namely honest conversations that are not just about “telling the truth.” Rather, they are about:

• Safety: talking when both people can pay attention
• Clarity: saying what happened, how I feel, and what I need
• Listening: showing the other person I heard the hurt before I respond
• Repair: turning an apology into a visible next step
• Habit: repeating these small actions week after week

For a quick reference around trust habits in a relationship, I have included the chart below. Further on, I address the best habits for you to develop to keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Set Up a Safe Space Before the Conversation Starts

A key part of having a good conversation is not having it in the heat of the moment, when emotions are running high. Hard conversations go better when both people are calm, present, and not in a rush. This sounds simple, but it can change everything. If one person is fried after work or is halfway out the door, the talk can go sideways fast.

Pick the right time, common goal, and place

Choose a time when you both have the bandwidth to talk, like after the kids are asleep or over morning coffee. ^[5][6] Skip big talks right after a long workday or right before one of you has to leave.

The best way to open the conversation is by doing it gently. Say something like “I would really like to talk. Do you have some time?” If its appropriate, tell them what the topic is so that they know what you want to discuss. This kind of softer invite can lower the temperature of a discussion before anything hard comes up. Frame it as a time to check in and work on the issue together, not a setup for blame.

For a more serious topic, give a day or two of notice. Keep the talk to 20–30 minutes so it doesn’t drift or wear both of you down. Pick a private spot without interruptions. Good timing, privacy, and a few simple ground rules send a clear message: this is a space where both people can talk honestly.

Remember, a calm setting helps, but tone of voice is just as important. Not raising your voice but instead keeping it modulated can make all the difference.

Agree on ground rules before difficult topics come up

Before you get into the hard part, agree on a few shared rules around tone. For example:

• One person speaks at a time – no interrupting
• The listener paraphrases before responding.
• Neither person rushes to fix the problem in the moment
• No yelling or disrespectful words.

If the conversation becomes heated, either party can call a 20 minute (or longer) pause. The key is to make sure that you come back together after the defined period of time, not let the issue drop because you don’t want to deal. ^[6]

If your partner pulls away from hard talks, they may be afraid of conflict or unsure what to do with big feelings. That doesn’t always mean they don’t care. Sometimes it means they don’t feel safe enough to step into the conversation.

What helps most is a calm, supportive space where they can speak without feeling judged. Try to come in with curiosity, not blame. Ask open-ended questions that give them room to explain what’s going on from their side.

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#2 – Be Honest Without Blame or Defensiveness

This is KEY to a productive conversation about your relationship – don’t lead with blame or defensiveness. Both of these things will end a conversation before its over because that kind of attitude can shut people down emotionally.

I know that when my ex-husband and I used to have disagreements, I always led with an attack – all the things that he was doing wrong. This shut him down immediately. This, I am sure, is one of the reasons are no longer married!

Instead of attacking, be honest. Tell your partner how you are feeling and open up the opportunity for them to share their feelings as well. Honesty should keep the conversation cool, not heat it up. When you’re clear and not on guard, trust has a better chance of coming back. The point is simple: tell the truth in a way the other person can actually hear.

Use ‘I’ statements to name feelings and needs

I know that ‘I’ statements might feel contrived but they are incredibly helpful as far as setting the tone of your conversation. With ‘I’ statements you will automatically shift the tone away from attacking or blame and onto how you are feeling. If you can tell you partner how you are feeling instead of what they are doing wrong, the conversation will be way more productive.

An example of an ‘I’ statement is: “I feel [emotion] when [situation]. I need [request].”

A calm opening can change everything. Saying “I feel anxious about our savings right now. I need us to sit down and look at the budget together” lands very differently than “You never help with the finances.” The first opens the door. The second sounds like a charge in court.

Listen fully before trying to fix the problem

Honesty tends to work better when the other person feels understood before you reply to what they have said. A lot of us listen just long enough to get our reply ready. That’s not listening to understand. That’s listening to push back. And people can feel the difference.

A simple pattern helps here. When the other person finishes, say “What I’m hearing is…” and check if you got it right before you add anything else. If they felt hurt, say “I can see why that hurt” before jumping into fixes. Validation means naming the feeling without turning it into an argument about the facts. Start there, then talk about answers.

#3 – Handle Difficult Topics in a Way That Repairs Trust

Once honesty feels safe, use it to deal with the actual hurt. Being honest is one thing. Use that honesty when you’re talking about a broken promise, an old wound, or a boundary that keeps getting ignored. That’s where trust either starts to heal or takes another hit. If you handle these talks well, they can help repair trust.

Address past hurts with accountability and follow-through

Conversations that are aimed at fixing problems in a relationship usually go better when the hurt person explains the impact first, and the other person listens, then reflects back what they heard before they answer. Start with the impact and then talk about next steps. Accountability comes after that.

Apologies matter. But trust usually comes back through one clear action both people can see. “I’ll do better” is too vague. Pick one specific action instead.

Discuss boundaries and expectations one issue at a time

Keep the conversation tight. If you pile on too many problems at once, the talk can turn into a running list of complaints, and nothing gets fixed. This means talking about how he never comes home on time for dinner as opposed to how he is never on time, ever. Focusing on that one smaller issue is way easier than dealing with the bigger one.

Choose one issue and give it its own space, like a scheduled check-in. Prompts can help keep things grounded in your own experience:

• “I feel [emotion] about [specific behavior]”
• “I feel my trust slipping when…”

Then end with one specific, agreed-upon behavior change that both of you can notice. That way, you’re not guessing what progress looks like. If your person is always late for dinner, perhaps agree that he will call you an hour before if he is going to be late and you work on being understanding that sometimes things do happen.

#4 – Don’t Just Talk When Issues Arise

Once hard talks start to feel safer, trust grows through steady follow-through. It usually doesn’t come from one huge conversation. It grows through small, repeated moments: the text you said you’d send, the frustration you name before it turns into resentment, the simple “I need time to think” instead of going silent. The goal is consistent, honest conversations.

Use weekly check-ins and small acts of follow-through

Set aside 30 to 60 minutes each week for a structured check-in. Take turns sharing how you’re doing, what needs attention, one thing you appreciate, and one shared plan for the week .^[1][8] I always encourage people to do this while they take a walk. It can be easier to check in when side by side instead of face to face.

Between those check-ins, the little things matter just as much. Text when you said you would. Say “I’m upset” right away instead of going passive aggressively quiet. Clear up a misunderstanding that same day instead of letting it fester. These small follow-throughs make the relationship feel more steady and easier to trust.

Know when outside support can help

Some patterns are tough to change on your own, especially after betrayal, heartbreak, or years of avoidance. If the same conflict is happening over and over, outside support can help. I have helped 100s of people over the years to improve communication with their partners. I could definitely help you! ^[8][4].

Remember, trust in a relationship is something that must be nurtured, not ignored.

Taken together, these habits show a simple truth: trust is built, not announced. It grows through small, repeated acts of honesty, follow-through, and respect. One honest conversation makes the next one a little easier. Over time, that steady pattern becomes the foundation both people can lean on.

When both people show respect, openness, and follow-through, even hard conversations can deepen trust instead of weakening it.

And remember, as you rebuild your communication, don’t try to fix everything at once. Baby steps, while they might be frustrating, are the key to making change. You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are in the tortured position of knowing that you really should break up with someone but that you are doubting yourself as to whether you are doing the right thing.

No worries! We have all been there.

When you’re stuck making a tough decision, like whether or not to break up with someone, the real issue often isn’t the choice itself – it’s trusting yourself to handle the outcome. Self-trust isn’t about being right or wrong – its about knowing that, now matter what, you will successfully navigate whatever happens next.

If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or seeking advice from others, it could be a sign that fear, overthinking, or self-criticism are holding you back. Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild self-trust and be able to make that really difficult decision and stick to it! By learning to recognize what is holding you back, shifting your inner dialogue, trusting your instincts and acting from love not fear, you will learn to stand firm in your decision that a relationship is over and move forward with confidence.

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#1 – Recognize What Is Holding You Back

Before you can build stronger self-trust, it’s essential to recognize what’s breaking it down. There are four main culprits that feed into cycles of doubt and indecision around break ups, often working together to chip away at your confidence: fear, over thinking, self criticism and low self esteem.

Fear and Overthinking Create Doubt

Fear plays a huge role in self-doubt around a decision to break up. When faced with the idea of leaving a relationship, the fear of making a mistake can leave you paralyzed, making you believe that one wrong choice would destroy your life. ^[8][7] Then there’s the fear of rejection, which taps into our deep-seated need to belong. Your mind tells you that making this choice might lead to rejection by your peers, or potential future partners. ^[8] Add in the fear of judgment, and you might find yourself holding back because you are worried how your soon to be ex will feel about you. ^[8][5]

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, puts it plainly:

“Your decisions have consequences, so building trust in them is important. Although seeking perspective and advice from others can help, others are not qualified to make decisions that affect you, and they don’t have to live with the outcomes.” ^[7]

Overthinking only makes these fears worse. Overthinking tricks you into believing analyzing every possible angle, preparing for every scenario is essential – but, in reality, it’s just an illusion of control. ^[9][10] What constant over-analysis really does is send the message that your instincts can’t be trusted, which, in turn, erodes self-confidence. ^[11] In fact, about 25% of people create plans they never act on because overthinking drains their ability to follow through. And overthinking isn’t good for us, physically, as it can lead to issues such as memory problems, heart conditions, and diabetes.^[7] Being physically unwell certainly won’t make trusting a decision around a break up any easier.

Self-Criticism Erodes Confidence

While fear and overthinking can destroy self-trust, they aren’t the only culprits. It is the inner critic often delivers the final blow. If we are constantly telling ourselves that we are losers because we can’t make, or stick to, a decision to break up with someone, it only serves to reinforce the belief that our ideas don’t matter. If we don’t have confidence in our own decisions, it will be easier for others (like your soon-to-be-ex) to dismiss them. ^[6][8]

The key to dealing with self-criticism is by having self compassion, by embracing that we are human-being with flaws. We make mistakes. If every decision feels like a high-stakes test of right versus wrong, we can get blinded to this perspective, leaving us stuck in a loop of second-guessing, which only further serves to drain self-confidence. ^[8]

Broken Promises Lead to Low Self Esteem

On top of fear and self-criticism, the blow to our self-esteem when we fail to keep promises to ourselves weakens self-trust even further. Just like in relationships with others, trust in yourself grows when you consistently follow through on your commitments. ^[12] Each broken promise to yourself, each time you try to break up with your person and you fail, sends the message to your self-esteem that your word doesn’t matter. ^[6] Over time, this creates a cycle where past break ups become “proof” that you’re unreliable, crushing your motivation and self-belief. ^[13][6]

There’s a key difference between wishes, intentions, and promises. Wishes require no action, intentions are flexible, but promises demand follow-through. Ignoring them undermines self-trust. ^[12] When you treat your promises lightly, you teach yourself that your commitments aren’t worth honoring.

As one certified health coach explains beautifully:

“Self-trust is the invisible superpower that makes all other things easier.” ^[12]

Fear Based Decision Making Can Be Paralyzing

When making big decisions around a break up, the question often boils down to this: Are you acting out of fear or love?

Fear-based choices are about avoiding pain, rejection, or failure. On the other hand, love-based decisions aim for growth, alignment with your values, and genuine happiness.

Recognizing the difference between these motivations can transform how you approach your decision to break up with someone. Physically, fear often feels like urgency or pressure – think sweaty palms, a racing heart, or tense muscles. Love, however, come with a sense of calm certainty, like an inner voice gently guiding you. While choosing love might feel risky, it often leads to greater clarity and fulfillment, whereas fear-based choices can leave you with regret.

Understanding the difference between these two approaches is essential to decision making.

If you’re trying to shift from fear to love in your choices, instead of telling yourself, “If I do this, I won’t ever love or be loved again,” ask yourself “Will I regret not taking following through on this break up later?” If the answer to the question is yes, that’s your intuition nudging you toward a love-based decision. Another helpful question is, “What would I choose if I weren’t worried about judgment – from others or myself?”  These questions help you cut through doubt and focus on what truly matters.

#2 – Shift Your Inner Dialogue

Once you’ve identified what undermines your self-trust, the next step is to rebuild it through consistent, intentional actions. These small daily practices can help you reinforce your reliability and make self-trust a natural part of your routine. And if you trust yourself, following through on that break up will be much easier.

The key to this is to have self-compassion. The way you speak to yourself matters. Replace that harsh inner critic with a voice that’s kinder and more understanding. When you make a mistake, pause and ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” This shift can help you approach yourself with more grace.

Self compassion means acknowledging your missteps without spiraling into self-blame. Simple habits like mirror affirmations (isn’t that a great term?) – telling yourself “I am enough” – can help. Keeping a nightly gratitude journal where you jot down one or two things you did well or appreciate about yourself is another way to nurture this practice. Remember, mistakes don’t define you; they’re part of being human, something we all share.

As Rhonda Britten, Founder of Fearless Living, wisely states:

“Give yourself a break, but don’t let yourself off the hook.” – Rhonda Britten, Founder of Fearless Living ^[1]

#3 – Reconnect with Your Gut Feelings and Values

Your gut instincts aren’t random – they’re a form of unconscious intelligence built from years of experience, subtle environmental cues, and emotional patterns. Karl Friston, MBBS, Professor of Neuroscience at University College London, explains:

“Gut feelings can be an important source of evidence, in the same way that we use our eyes or our ears to gather evidence, to build beliefs about the state of affairs so that we can make the right kinds of decisions.” – Karl Friston, MBBS, Professor of Neuroscience at University College London ^[2]

When considering breaking up with someone, tune in to your body. A tight chest might signal discomfort or danger that what you are doing is wrong, while a sinking stomach could indicate misalignment. On the flip side, relaxed shoulders might mean you’re on the right track. To strengthen this connection, try creating a list of activities or experiences that bring you genuine happiness, like enjoying a quiet morning or receiving recognition for your efforts. Spend 5 to 15 minutes daily meditating or journaling to process emotions and recognize what your inner voice is telling you. In everyday situations, ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?” Over time, these small moments of reflection can help you take action and move on from a relationship.

#4 – Practice Keeping Daily Promises

Self-trust grows when you consistently follow through on small commitments. Begin with tiny, manageable promises – like drinking a glass of water at the start of your day, writing a single sentence in your journal, or taking a 10-minute walk. Dawn Mariotti, Mindset, Life, and Health Coach, explains:

“When you become someone who keeps promises to yourself – that’s where the shift happens. Not because you’ve mastered some fancy process, but because you’ve started living in integrity with the person you’re becoming.” – Dawn Mariotti, Mindset, Life, and Health Coach ^[15]

Make these promises SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. For instance, instead of vaguely saying, “I’ll exercise more,” try, “I’ll walk for 10 minutes at 7:00 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” If overthinking gets in your way, write down your worries to distinguish irrational fears from real concerns. Getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper can help you manage those pesky, self sabotaging thoughts. Each time you follow through, you reinforce your self-reliance.

Karen Barnes, Author and Coach, sums this up perfectly:

“Self-trust is the lived knowing that you can depend on yourself. That you’ll show up, even when things feel uncertain.” – Karen Barnes, Author and Coach ^[4]

Speak up for what you need, and don’t hesitate to say “no” when it’s necessary to honor your commitments. Celebrate every small victory when you keep your word – these moments are the building blocks of lasting self-trust.

#5 – Ask for Help

Sometimes, when you’re at a major crossroads, these steps aren’t enough to guide you through. That’s when seeking external, professional help can make all the difference in building self-trust.

Facing big decisions can leave you stuck in a cycle of doubt and endless “what ifs.” If that’s where you find yourself, working with a professional might be the key to breaking free. Coaches, in particular, can help shift your focus away from external pressures – like worrying about how others might react – and bring it back to what you truly want.

A coach (like ME) can provide tailored strategies to help you clarify your next steps. They can help you identify your priorities and offer structured guidance that goes beyond what daily practices can achieve. Coaches also assist in challenging limiting beliefs – like “I’m not ready” – and replacing them with thoughts that encourage action. ^[17] The goal is to help you take back control of your decisions while reducing the need for constant outside validation. ^[19] Coaching builds on the self-reliance you’ve started developing, offering a deeper level of support to strengthen your journey.

Building self-trust when it comes to break ups isn’t about striving for perfection – it’s about showing yourself that you can can do anything you set your mind too.

The key is to use effective strategies that focus on taking action rather than just setting intentions. Instead of wondering over and over if you should break up with someone, set an intention to do it. Pay attention to how your body reacts. Ask yourself what is holding you back. Forgive yourself for having a hard time making the decision and following through. And then commit to doing it, within a certain time frame.

You know what you want to do. Your hesitation to follow through with the break up is not unusual. Trusting ourselves in any decision can be challenging but you can do it!

“If you’re going to trust one person, let it be yourself.” – Robert Tew, Author ^[20]

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How I can help you work through this decision?

I offer personalized coaching to help you shift from a lack of confidence in your decision to break up with someone to knowing how to follow through.

“I can help you… by creating, together, a personalized plan to get you the life, and love, you have always dreamed of!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach, Let Your Dreams Begin ^[16]

We start with a free initial coaching session so you can see how even one conversation can bring clarity and confidence. ^[16] For those worried about recovering from heartbreak, my 4-week course “4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On” offers daily exercises, emotional tools, and self-discovery activities that help you move forward.^[16] Additionally, my free e-book, “Why Break Ups Are So Painful,” available for download, dives into emotional triggers and offers insights to help you start healing. ^[16]

The coaching, the course and the ebook are all resources designed to help you rebuild your self-trust step by step. I can support you learning how to take small, meaningful actions that lead to big changes, to break up with someone who is not your person and move on and find the love you seek!

Reach out to me now!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

The key to getting what you need is knowing how to ask for it.

So many of my clients come to me deeply struggling in their relationship and the number one thing that I see, across the board, is an inability to identify and express their needs. So, if this is you, know that you are not alone!

Expressing your needs in a relationship is essential for building trust and emotional connection, and avoiding misunderstandings. Many people struggle with this because of fear of rejection, conflict, or, worse of all, the belief that their partner should instinctively know what they need (something that rarely happens, if ever).

Let me help you learn how to identify your core needs, communicate them effectively, and overcome things that often get in the way to help you create a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

How To Express Needs And Desires Clearly in Relationships

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First and Foremost – Get Familiar With Your Needs

Before diving into any relationship, it’s crucial to identify your core needs, the things that, for you, are non-negotiables. If someone can’t, or won’t, be willing to give you your core needs, your relationship is doomed for failure.

Many people confuse fleeting preferences  (wants) with the essential elements that truly sustain a healthy partnership (needs). Core needs are the backbone of a strong connection, providing the stability and satisfaction that relationships thrive on. ^[4] Without clarity, you might either stay silent about what truly matters (namely your core needs) or overwhelm your partner with a laundry list of your desires (namely, your wants).

Many of my clients are angry that their partner can’t just intuit what they need – after all, they love them, right? Unfortunately, reading minds just isn’t possible. If you aren’t getting what you need from someone – at work, in in a store, in a relationship – its most like because you aren’t asking for it. (Think your coffee shop order!)

The goal is to identify and then separate what you need to feel secure and fulfilled from what you want to enhance your experience. This clarity not only helps you prioritize but also shapes how you communicate with your partner.

#1 – Learn How to Identify Your Personal Needs

Start by reflecting on your past experiences. Think about what has consistently brought you a sense of fulfillment and what left you feeling unsatisfied or disconnected. ^[4] This kind of self-reflection can uncover patterns – whether it’s the need for trust, emotional connection, shared quality time, or physical closeness.

For many women, while they feel angry when their partner blows them off for a date, what they are really missing is that intimate connection that they get from their partner on a date. So its not that she NEEDS him to never blow off a date but that she NEEDS that emotional connection from him.

One way to identify needs is by picturing a specific desire being met, and then imagining it going unmet. Pay attention to how your body reacts. Genuine needs often trigger a stronger physical or emotional response – tightness in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or a deep sense of unease. On the other hand, surface-level wants usually evoke milder reactions. ^[5]

“Being able to tell the difference between your needs vs. wants in a relationship is often the difference between asking for your needs, or not asking and watching those unmet needs turn into discouragement, resentment, and disconnection.”

• Anna Mayer, Sex Therapist and Relationship Specialist ^[5]

Another way to dig deeper is to look beyond specific requests. For instance, if you wish your partner had a remote job so you could travel together, the underlying need might actually be for adventure and freedom. Recognizing this allows you to explore creative alternatives – like planning weekend getaways, annual trips, or even finding excitement in your own city. ^[5]

#2 – Know the Difference Between Wants and Needs

Needs are the foundation of your well-being in a relationship, while the wants are preferences that add to the experience but aren’t essential for its survival. Think of it like building a house: needs are the framework, and wants are the decorative touches that make it feel more personal.

A practical way to differentiate the two is by observing the emotional impact of unmet expectations. If a need isn’t met, it can cause deep distress and strain the relationship, while an unmet want might lead to disappointment but won’t create lasting resentment. ^[6] For example, honesty in a partner is a non-negotiable need – without it, trust collapses. On the other hand, watching the same TV shows is a fun bonus, but it won’t make or break your connection.

“A need is something that you cannot negotiate on. If not present, it will breed extreme distress and/or resentment and eventually degrade the quality of the relationship.”

• Dr. Krista Jordan, Psychotherapist ^[6]

Learn How To Express Your Needs Effectively

Getting your needs across in a way that strengthens your connection – rather than creating distance – can make all the difference in communication. A key part of communication success is in the way you frame your message. Studies reveal that about 70% of marital conflicts remain unresolved, and a big reason for this is difficulty expressing our needs. ^[8]

#1 – Don’t Go On The Offensive

Swapping out “you” statements for “I” statements can completely change how your message is received. For example, saying, “You never spend time with me,” often puts your partner on the defensive. ^[12] Instead, try: “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together, and I’d love for us to set aside 30 minutes each evening to talk.”

The key is to express your real emotions – like lonely, anxious, or frustrated – rather than accusations disguised as feelings. For instance, “I feel like you don’t care” or “I feel that you’re selfish” are judgments, not genuine expressions of emotion. ^[10][11] And the first will get an empathetic partner listening, the second will only put them on the defensive.

“The quality of your life is the quality of your communication.”

• Tony Robbins ^[11]

Be clear about what you want to happen, not just what you want to stop. Instead of saying, “I need you to stop ignoring me,” you could say, “I’d really appreciate it if we could have dinner together three times a week without phones.” This approach provides a clear and actionable solution, something that is especially helpful for men who appreciate understanding what is being asked of them. ^[10][8]

#2- Timing and Tone Can Make a Huge Difference

Even the most thoughtfully worded message can miss the mark if the timing is off. Avoid starting serious conversations when your partner is stressed, distracted, or exhausted – like when they’re rushing out the door, managing a crying baby, or unwinding after a tough day. ^[9][1] It is the opening moments of a conversation that often determines whether it will lead to resolution or conflict.

Have you ever jumped on your partner when they come home late, frustrated that you have been made to wait? How did that go? Did your partner melt into your arms and apologize or did they go on the defensive?

Instead of just surprising your partner with your wants and needs, feel them out to define a time to chat that will work for both of you. Perhaps “Is this a good time to talk about something important?” or “Can we set aside 20 minutes tonight to discuss something?” ^[1][9] Doing this will not only ensure that both of you are emotionally and mentally ready for the conversation but it also gives your partner a chance to prepare for a productive conversation and not be blindsided.

One thing to note: late-night discussions, especially right before bed, or after a few glass of wine, can add unnecessary pressure and frustration and make it less likely that it will end with resolution. ^[13]

“If you’re feeling angry, hurt, or overwhelmed, those feelings are going to come through in your words and tone… triggering defensiveness in the other person.”

• Sarah Kipnes, Therapist ^[9]

Make sure that, before bringing up a sensitive topic, check in with yourself as well. If you’re still upset or reactive, take some time to cool off first. ^[9] Choose a private, comfortable space where you both feel safe, and focus on the present issue without dredging up ancient history. ^[3][9]

Finally, make sure you keep your body language open and your tone calm, as nonverbal cues play a huge role in how your message is received. ^[12][3][1]

#3 – Make Sure The Communication Is Two-Way

Good communication isn’t just about expressing yourself – it’s also about truly hearing the other person. Once you’ve shared your feelings, it’s important to give your partner room to respond. When they finish, try to summarize their perspective to show you’ve understood: “So, what I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed by work and need more downtime – is that right?” I know that doing this can feel weird but it is very helpful.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

• Stephen Covey, Author ^[1]

This type of active listening fosters trust and collaboration. Even if you disagree, acknowledge their feelings – “I’m sorry you felt that way” – to help ease tension. ^[8] Remember, the goal isn’t to win an argument but to understand each other and work toward a solution that respects both of your needs.

Eliminate Obstacles to Expressing Needs

Even when you know what you want to say, expressing it can feel overwhelming. Almost every one of my clients is petrified to express what they want, particularly the women. Past experiences and deep-seated fears have chipped away at their confidence, making it harder to speak up.

#1 – Manage Your Fear of Rejection

Fear of being dismissed or misunderstood can keep you from voicing your needs. This fear often stems from childhood experiences, where expressing yourself might have led to punishment or rejection. ^[14] If you grew up feeling like your needs were a burden, it’s no surprise that vulnerability might still feel unsafe. ^[14]

“Your needs aren’t a burden. They’re a bridge – to deeper intimacy, connection, and truth.”

• Lorrie Bertrand, LICSW ^[14]

One way to address this fear is to acknowledge that while you can’t control how your partner reacts, you can control how you communicate. Approach the conversation as an opportunity to connect, not a confrontation.

One of my clients, instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” tried phrasing it as, “What I need from you is 20 minutes of uninterrupted time each evening because I’ve been feeling a bit lonely.” ^[7]  Her husband was happy to give her that 20 minutes and didn’t realize that she needed it to feel connected. After that conversation was a success, my client felt much braver about asking for things going forward.

If the fear feels too intense, start small. Make low-pressure requests, like asking for a hug when you come home or suggesting a phone-free dinner. These smaller steps can help train your body to feel safe when expressing your needs. ^[15] Once you’ve eased the fear, you can focus on building the confidence to make deeper, more meaningful connections.

#2 – Don’t Give Up – Try Again!

After addressing the fear of rejection, the next step is rebuilding confidence, especially if past attempts to express your needs haven’t gone well. A single failed conversation doesn’t mean you should stop; it might just mean you need to adjust your approach or give your partner time to understand your perspective. ^[16]

Take time to reflect on what went wrong. Was the timing off? Did your choice of words unintentionally sound accusatory? Use those insights to fine-tune your approach. Try to track even small successes can help shift your focus from what didn’t work to the progress you’re making. ^[16]

“Learning to ask for what you need isn’t about becoming ‘demanding’ or ‘difficult’ – it’s about allowing yourself to be seen fully and completely.”

• Dr. Heather Stevenson, Psychologist ^[15]

If you find that obstacles persist, consider working with a therapist who specializes in attachment issues or trauma. Techniques like EMDR or Brainspotting can help you process early experiences of emotional dismissal. ^[14] Past trauma can profoundly affect our nervous systems and these techniques can help break old patterns so we can move forward more confidently.

For practical skill-building, coaching can also be a valuable resource. A relationship coach (like ME!) can offer tailored strategies to improve your communication. I can help you identify your relationship strengths, address challenges without blame, and develop actionable ways to express your needs. Whether you’re healing from past struggles or enhancing an already strong relationship, coaching provides the tools and accountability to move forward.

Knowing how to express your needs lays the groundwork for deeper connection in your relationship and helps sidestep the frustration of expecting your partner to intuitively know what you want.

I know that the idea of expressing your needs can feel overwhelming but, by taking small, brave steps toward sharing your true self can help you reshape your relationship in a meaningful way and get the happily ever after that you have always wanted!

“If you never show your partner who you are and what’s in your heart, how can they meet you there?”

• Anne Hancock, Psy.D., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Mitzi Bockmann

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