7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

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7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear that she isn’t the right one for them but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up.

While every relationship is different, they all carry some common denominators that apply to all of them – including it being hard to break up with someone, even if you know they aren’t the one for you.

Let me share why breaking up with someone is hard with you right now. Understanding the reasons why might clarify things for you so that you can take the next step.

#1 – You don’t want to cause her pain.

There isn’t a man in the world who isn’t concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause their woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only make things worse.

Be honest. Do you know that you should break up with your girlfriend but you don’t want to hurt her so, instead, you are pulling back a little bit. Are you not focusing the time and energy on her that you used to? Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant? Are you, perhaps, hoping that she will be the one who ultimately break up with you?  You are not alone. A LOT of men do this.

Let me tell you – doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, instead you are pulling it off gradually, dragging out the pain and making her suffer more. Ironic, no?

The reality is is that if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But the reality is is that she will get over it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who really loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.

#2 – The good times were really good times.

Even though are you are in a place where you want to break up with your girlfriend, I am sure that you and she have shared wonderful times together. And those things are hard to let go of.

I am guessing that you are thinking about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new and you shared so much of yourself. Or maybe you are remembering a vacation you took or that silly thing that she did that made everyone laugh at your birthday party. Perhaps you went through a difficult period of time and she was there for you, standing by your side. Perhaps you shared big hopes for the future that you don’t want to let go of.

And I get it – experiences are intense things that can really bind people to each other.

But, the reality is is that, while these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. And, even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship – namely that you don’t love her anymore.

So, while you have had some very special times with this person, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so that she can have new experiences with someone who really loves her.

#3 – You don’t want to have to start dating again… nor do you want her to.

So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person for them because they just don’t want to get back out there into the dating world. After all, the dating world is not always fun and its exhausting and the thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear.

Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy that you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy that you will have to spend building a new relationship.

And I get it. Its hard to throw away time invested in someone but the time that you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and its done. That time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone and know that any more time that you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.

And – I am guessing – that you probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing. You especially don’t want her to have sex with someone else.

Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with you.

#4 – You love that she takes care of you.

One of my male clients knows that it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her but she isn’t the one for him.

What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.

One thing about us women, we love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault. And many men really, really appreciate being taken care of.

I know that with my boyfriend, I do the laundry, I cook us dinner, I keep the house tidy, I plan our social life etc etc. I am not saying that I am his slave and that he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does do some of those things sometimes but, in general, its on me. And thats ok. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).

And, I am guessing that if it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself again. Probably not a very attractive proposition, I am guessing.

Are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she take such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again!

#5 – You like easy access to sex (be honest!).

You might be rolling your eyes at this one but I am guessing that, deep down, you know that what I am saying here is the truth – having a girlfriend means that you have easy access to sex. And that is something that its not easy to let go of.

Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing that you enjoy having sex with her. And that the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to fool around with you is not appealing.

For men, sex is very important and its not always as easy to get as they might like. A woman can walk out of her house and approach any man and most likely get him to have sex with her but men have to work a little bit harder. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.

Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the sex? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go. You will have sex again, maybe even sooner than you think. I promise.

#6 – You are worried about messing up your social life.

One of my male client was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.

My client is worried that it might be “weird.” He is worried that there will be drama and that people will have to take sides in the break up. He is worried that one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his posse of friends. He likes things the way that they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something that he wants to do.

And I totally get that. Our social lives are very important to us and a key part of living a great life. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.

Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.

hard to break up with your girlfriend

#7 – Your friends and family do love her.

This is a really tough one – if your friends and family love her, even if you aren’t feeling it.

I am guessing that if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. That she is a wonderful person and that you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up. And I am guessing that that is messing with your head.

On the other hand, perhaps her friends and family loves you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down.The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea. Your mom will be sad about your break up but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.

#8 – You just don’t want to deal with the drama.

Be honest – are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?

Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?

Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?

If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one then have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.

Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything that you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass.  Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.

#9 – Your lives are entangled.

The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer that couples are together the more their lives become entangled.

Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?

Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread? Does the idea of having to find a new place or deal with custody of kids or dogs or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?

Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.

But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated and more difficult to leave and before you know it you could be permanently stuck.

Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!

So there you go – 9 Reasons tt is so hard to break up with your girlfriend, even if you don’t love her.

I know that the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and its time to move on.

So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

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The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

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7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore

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If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.

And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.

Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.

#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself

First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.

In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.

In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.

This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?

Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.

So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.

Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.

When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?

How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?

People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.

So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?

#3 – You have lots of make up sex.

Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.

They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?

I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.

What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.

So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.

This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.

When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.

But your friends and family can.

Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?

If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them!  They know you best and only want what is good for you!

#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.

I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.

She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.

So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.

So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.

Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.

#6 – Nothing is changing.

This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?

Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.

Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!

So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.

#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.

So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?

If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.

If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.

And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.

So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.

Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.

So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?

If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.

You can do it!

The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

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If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed Even if it Doesn’t Seem Like it Would Be

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I know that it might go against everything that you believe in to think that it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed.

After all, you care about them and hate seeing them suffer. And popular opinion is that we should stand by the side of a partner who needs us.

And, yes, I do believe that this is true, but I also believe that there are exceptions to the rule.

To be clear, I don’t believe we should walk out on a partner at the first sign of depression. I do believe that supporting them can be incredibly helpful. But there can come the point where that depression has a detrimental effect on your life, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

And when this happens, it’s time to consider if you should walk away.

Let me share 5 reasons why it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed so that you can understand why walking away might be the best thing to do for everyone involved.

#1 – You can’t fix them.

The number one reason that I hear about why people believe that it’s not okay to break up with someone who is depressed is because the partner believes that they can fix their depressed person.

That, if they try hard enough, they will be able to bring their partner out of their funk and that they can both be happy.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. It’s hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to understand this but it is a fact. Only the struggling person can fix themselves and get out of their depression.

I have a friend whose boyfriend loves her madly, and she loves him back. She struggles with some pretty dark depression, and he tries to fix it when she is there.

He tries to remind her how great her life is. He points out all the friends and family who love her. He drags her out of the house, assuring her that if they stay busy, her depression will pass.

And what happens when he tries to fix her? Her depression worsens. And she gets frustrated having him around.

So, if you can’t let go of your need to fix your depressed partner, know that having you around isn’t helping them get better.

#2 – You are becoming co-dependent.

One of the hardest things about managing being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is that there is a tendency for co-dependency.

Co-dependency is defined ‘as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.’

Co-dependency is not a good thing, for an individual or a couple.

When one person in a relationship is depressed, co-dependency can often develop over time.

The person who is depressed increasingly relies on their partner to support them while they are struggling. They might need them to take over the work that they usually do. They might not get out of bed for weeks at a time, leaving their partner alone doing things they might do as a couple. They might look to them to make them happy, even for a moment.

The person who is not depressed often loses themselves trying to help their person manage their depression. They might overcompensate for their partner’s depression, always pretending to be cheery at the expense of their own mental well-being. They might let go of friends and family in the hopes that their partner’s depression is not put out in the open. Their work might suffer as they try to take care of someone who won’t help themselves.

As time goes on, what started as an effort to support their loved ones, a co-dependent relationship, can become a toxic one, one that sucks all of the oxygen out of the relationship, leaving both people depleted.

So, if you find that you are overcompensating to support your partner when they are depressed, you aren’t helping either one of you.

#3 – You need to take care of yourself.

You know those words of caution that you always hear from a flight attendant – put your oxygen mask on before helping others? That is something that someone whose partner is living with depression often forgets to do.

Much like becoming co-dependent in a relationship, someone in a relationship with someone who is depressed might put their needs on the back burner.

They might try to fix their person, to no avail, making them feel like losers and bad partners. They might abandon their hobbies so they don’t leave their partner alone. They might be willing to let go of intimacy and laughter for the sake of their person.

And doing those things does not make a happy person.

You have only one life to live. If you are living with a person struggling with depression and won’t help themselves, it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself.

If you aren’t doing well, you won’t be any help to your personal and might even make things worse because of your low self-esteem. And being miserable in a relationship is no way to be.

So, if you find yourself miserable and losing yourself, know that to save yourself, it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

#4 – You are making things worse for them.

Above, I spoke about how you standing by your person when they are struggling with depression can be worse for them.

As you try to fix them, you might be making things more complicated for them to manage.

They might watch you lose yourself because of the depression, which will make them feel even worse about themselves, sad that they are letting you down.

They might not seek help because they don’t want you to see them be weak.

They won’t be forced to get out of bed and take care of themselves because you are doing it for them and that will only allow them to sink further into their despair.

So, be honest with yourself. Does staying in this relationship really help your partner or is your staying something that might only be making things worse?

#5 – They are more likely to seek help.

Many people who are depressed have a hard time seeking help.

For some, they don’t see their depression. Others, they believe that they can just push through it. For others still, because their partner supports them, they don’t believe that they need to get help.

When their partner leaves, everything changes. When they are alone with their feelings, having to take care of themselves, people with depression are often forced to face the reality of what is happening in their lives.

And this can force them to get help.

I know that, when I got divorced, I was left alone by my ex-husband and the depression that I had struggled with for years got worse. He was gone, and I was left alone with my demons. And I realized that everything that I had tried to do for years to manage my depression just wasn’t working.

What happened? I saw that I needed to fix things if I wanted to survive this divorce. So, I set out to do so.

If my husband hadn’t left, if our lives continued on as normal with me barely hanging on and him desperate watching me sink, I never would have been forced to face my issues and work through them.

Today, 12 years after my divorce, I am well acquainted with my depression and know how to manage it. I know that my husband leaving me was the catalyst for my newfound skills.

So, know that leaving your depressed partner might be the best thing that you could ever do for them.

There you are, 5 reasons why it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

Again, I know that it’s heartbreaking to consider letting go. That you love this person and that you want to help them work through this.

But know that sometimes your presence can make things worse for them and that you can lose yourself. That your best intentions are toxic for everyone.

So, consider your role in your relationship. Are you helping your person or are your efforts to fix things counterproductive? Are you becoming co-dependent and losing yourself in the relationship? Is your person not seeking help because of your support?

All of those things, especially combined, are a recipe for disaster, and walking away might be the best, most noble thing that you can do!

 

Save Your Love: How To Fix A Toxic Relationship

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So many of my clients initially come to me to learn how to fix a toxic relationship and being happy again. Is it even possible?

And my response? YES!

That being said, it’s not easy and takes some determination on both sides.

But many couples who once loved each other have done the hard work and found their way back to each other, often times happier than ever.

So, how is it possible to fix a toxic relationship and be happy again? Let me share.

#1 – Make sure that everyone is on board.

Many of my clients tell me that they aren’t quitters. That they will never give up their efforts to fix their toxic relationship.

And I say that’s great, BUT there is no reason to keep fighting if your partner isn’t on board 100%.

Imagine any sporting event baseball, football, tennis, golf. Imagine that one of you is out there, excited to play, working hard to play well and eager for the outcome. Imagine if the other team, or the other player, has no interest in playing. They stand around bored and unengaged. They put no effort into their play. They have no attachment at all to the outcome.

Would you find that situation enjoyable? Would it be something that you wanted to repeat? Would it help you develop your skills? Would you be frustrated that your partner didn’t care?

So it is in a relationship. If one person is all in, fighting every day to fix the toxic relationship, reading books, watching TikTok, taking seminars, coming up with activities, and the other person does not care, the relationship fixing will get exactly nowhere.

Before fixing your relationship, talk with your partner to see if they are all in. To see if they want your relationship to be fixed and if they are willing to do the work to get there.

If they don’t, fixing a toxic relationship won’t be possible, and it will be time to walk away!

#2 – Make a list.

Now that you know that your partner is interested in fixing your toxic relationship, it is time to talk about what is wrong.

With many couples, the things they struggle with can be dramatically different. Understanding what each other is struggling with is key to fixing the relationship.

I know that when I was married, what my ex and I struggled with were dramatically different.

I struggled with him not being present in our family’s life. I struggled with his alcohol drinking and his quick temper. I struggled with feeling like he didn’t see me. I struggled with his inability to follow through on a promise.

For him, I think he struggled with me ignoring him. With me not respecting him. With me not wanting to have sex. With the limitations on his free time, that was the result of our busy family.

As a result, when we tried to fix our toxic relationship, we were coming at it from such a different place that we could not make any progress, and every time we tried, we eventually gave up.

I suggest that my clients set a time with their partner to discuss what they need from the marriage. They know that the discussion might be painful but that they both be willing to make themselves vulnerable for the sake of the relationship.

Each partner can take the time beforehand to assess what they need to be happy, which can be shared during the meeting. Shared without judgement or blame, just shared.

Once the partners come to a mutual understanding of what the other is dealing with then, the healing process can begin.

#3 – Make a list of things that need to change.

We tend to want to fix everything simultaneously when presented with the need to fix something. And that can often fail.

Think about your New Year’s Resolution to get healthy, eat better, get in shape, and be kinder.

Wow! That seems pretty daunting to me! And, more often than not, something like that is daunting to the resolution setter, and, as a result, they ultimately give up.

What if, instead of the goal to be healthy,we start small. Perhaps it is drinking only three times a week. Or getting to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. Or being more patient with your sister.

One small thing at which you can have success.

Once you accomplish that one thing, you will feel good about yourself and more motivated to take on the next. As time passes and you succeed at each thing, you might ultimately find that you have kept your New Year’s resolution.

This idea works with a relationship that needs to be fixed. Starting small might make it possible to fix it.

I always encourage each person to choose one thing”—one thing that, if it is different, it will have the biggest effect. Once you know those things, you can discuss what would work to change them.

If my ex could have followed through on what he said he would do, that would have helped me a lot in my desire to fix our relationship.

If I had been clear with him that it was an issue and we had discussed what he could do to make change, he would been given the tools that he needed to help me with this issue.

If he had done the same for me, I would have had clarity around what he needed from me.

Instead of trying to be “happier, we could have strived to fix one small part of the relationship that made us miserable.

I wish we had done that then – we might still be married now if we had!

#4 – Set benchmarks.

The is one of the essential tools that make it possible to fix a toxic relationship”—setting benchmarks around the work that you are doing.

The definition of benchmark serves as a standard by which others may be measured or judged. It is the point at which you evaluate the efficacy of a process.

In trying to fix a relationship, I always encourage couples to give themselves a timeline. To establish a date, or series of dates, on which they will come back together and discuss the progress that they are making.

Many couples get together and figure out what needs to be fixed and then set out to fix it. And then, life gets in the way, and their efforts stop despite their best intentions. And then those same problems rear their ugly heads again.

To prevent this from happening, I encourage couples to define a time to come back together to assess their work status. To evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Or to discuss that all efforts seem to have ceased.

By doing this, they will hold themselves accountable for the work they promised to do and, hopefully, set themselves up for success.

#5 – Get support.

I know that the idea of marriage counseling is abhorrent to many people.

Women often feel like their partners aren’t fully involved, and men often feel like therapy involves a litany of everything they have ever done wrong over their relationship.

I would argue that marriage counseling can be different and more effective.

If couples can work together ahead of time to identify the issues (as I encouraged in #2) and then bring these lists to the counselor, they will have a starting point that is not about what everyone is doing wrong but rather about what needs to be fixed.

Working with a counselor, or a life coach, will help teach people the skills to do what you want. To understand how to successfully reach the benchmarks set for each item.

We all would like to be born with the skills needed to fix a relationship, but sometimes, we aren’t. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it. Sometimes we don’t understand what or how, something needs to be done. Sometimes just a little bit of guidance can make a big difference!

So, to make it possible to fix a toxic relationship, sometimes support is precisely what you need.

I hope you now see that it is possible to fix a toxic relationship and understand some of the steps you can take to do so.

I know that the prospect of doing the work to fix the relationship might be daunting, but I am also guessing that, if you are reading this article, it is something that you want to do.

So, talk to your person. Get an understanding of whether they are all in. Make a list of what needs to be fixed and choose to address one thing. Set benchmarks for the work, so you do not lose sight of what needs to be done, and get support if needed.

Remember, thousands of couples fix their toxic relationship every day.

You can too!

5 Best Ways to Forgive Yourself, and Your Ex, After Your Divorce

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Eight years ago, a friend said to me It was time to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I had been divorced for almost 5 years, and I was still so angry at him, and every time I saw him or thought about what had happened, I sank to a dark place.

I wanted so badly to move on, but I did not know how.

Forgiveness is always a concept that has been difficult for me to grasp. It’s genetic  my mom could never forgive anyone for anything. I don’t want to be like her but know I need to be.

So I set out to learn more about forgiveness so that I would maybe be able to move on.

I learned that definition of to forgive is “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.”

I found that very interesting. I had always assumed that to forgive someone was to actually forget the hurts, like they had never happened.

And that, I could not do.

But, it seems that to forgive is more about letting go of the harsh feelings. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened but just letting go of your anger about it.

So, armed with this new knowledge, I set out on the difficult journey towards forgiveness.

Let me share with you 5 ways to forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

I want to share that journey with you now so that you too can forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

# 1 – Take ownership.

One thing that I did for a while after my divorce was play the victim.

My ex-husband had left me for his college girlfriend. I was devastated. I had been blindsided, and I had been replaced.

I fed my anger around my divorce with this narrative for years that I was the innocent victim and had been abandoned.

A therapist suggested to me that I look past what happened him walking out on me and look at what happened before that moment. What had been happening in our marriage leading up to this point? What had made our marriage vulnerable to him leaving?

It wasn’t hard for me to connect with my role in what happened in our marriage. It was buried right below the surface and I hadn’t wanted to face it and had instead focused on what he had done wrong.

But, once I was honest with myself, I recognized that my role in the end of our marriage was not a small one.

I know that I had ignored him for years and often treated him with contempt. That he was fifth in our household, after the kids and the dogs. That I never had sex with him barely touched him some days that I would choose spending time with my friends over him, every time.

Internalizing these things was not easy I had been angry at him for so long that I had some walls to break through. But, once I accepted my role in what had happened, I was definitely on the path to forgiving myself and him for our divorce.

So, what part did you play in the end of your marriage? Taking stock of it and internalizing it will put you on the path to forgiving yourself and your ex after your divorce.

#2 – Do not get mired in regrets.

I am someone who can easily get mired in regrets. To obsess about things that I had done wrong in the past, about the bad choices I had made, about how things should have been.

Those regrets were my constant companion, and they were not healthy.

A very wise man (my fiance) said, during one of my trips down memory lane, that I was doing the best that I could with the information that I had at the time.

Those words were life changing.

Sure, it is easy to remember what had gone wrong in my marriage. To obsess over different choices that I could have made or actions that I could have taken would have led to a different outcome.

Perhaps, I would think, if I had only done things differently, we would still be married, and my kids would have an intact family.

But how I am now isn’t how I was when we were married. I was young, and I was harried and I had no idea to navigate many of the obstacles that were presented on the path to my marriage being a happy one. My husband was the same. We didn’t know what we were doing, more often than not.

Sure, I could get mired in the what could have beens but, the reality is, that I can’t change what happened. The past is the past. I also do not have any idea what the outcome would have been had a made a different choice or done something differently.

Yes, things might have been better but could have also been worse. I don’t know, and spending even a moment regretting what might have been or what might not have been is a waste of good time.

So, if you are focusing on the past more often than not, stop. If you do, you might find that you can forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#3 – Recognize that we are all only human

When you got married, did someone give you a manual about how to be married?

Did you return from your honeymoon with a clear path to a happy marriage?

Were people full of consistent advice about how to make a marriage work?

I am guessing not.

So, as you moved forward in your marriage, you had no idea what you were doing.

You were being human and you were making mistakes.

Sure, in the movies and on TV, we see perfect marriages, where people always seem to know what to do or say and where issues get resolved in 30-90 minutes. But that isn’t how real life, and real marriage, is.

Real marriage is messy. It involves arguments and financial woes and kid issues and extended family stress and all of the other stuff that makes up life.

It’s insane to think that two people could navigate these things without a struggle.

I am guessing that there are very few people who, when they get married, set out to intentionally sabotage their marriages. What happens, instead, is that imperfect people try to work together to get through things that happen, good and bad, and, sometimes, they just don’t succeed.

Once I was able to accept this fact ” that my ex-husband and I were only two human beings, doing the best that we could in the world was I able to move towards the forgiveness, for me and for him, that I so desired.

#4 – Take stock of all that is good now.

So, be honest with yourself. Are things pretty good right now? If not right now, do you have some hope for the future?

I have a client who was in a very abusive relationship. She tried for years to get out and, about a year ago, she managed to finally do so.

Since then, her life has not been perfect. Her son won’t talk to her because of the divorce. Her ex-husband continues to be a dick. She can’t find a job in her chosen profession. The future might be bright but it’s pretty murky right now.

Last week, when she was feeling really down, I reminded her of what it was like when she was married. Yes, now was rough but was it better than being married?

Her answer?  YES!

From where I sit, someone who was resoundingly dumped by the father of my children 12 years ago, life is pretty damn good.

Since the divorce, I moved to NYC and started a new business. I have travelled to places that I always longed to see. I have made lots of new friends and I have met the love of my life. We will be married in the spring.

If I hadn’t gotten divorced, none of those things would have happened and who knows where I would be today.

How does your life look right now? Is there hope for your future? Is your life just a little bit better now that that toxic marriage is over?

Consider this and it might just help you forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#5 – Resolve to do things differently.

This one is key.

The resolution to not repeat the mistakes that you made in your marriage the first time around.

In my next marriage, I know that I will do my best to pay attention to my husband, even when I have something going on. I will not pout or sulk when I don’t get my way. I won’t walk away during an argument and I will try to make him my priority.

I don’t want this marriage to end the way my first one did.

Can you imagine how hard it would be to forgive yourself and your ex, after your divorce if you made the same mistakes over again?

How badly you would feel about yourself if you did the very things that broke your first marriage apart?

How would you ever forgive yourself if you had to put yourself through another horrible divorce?

So, make sure that you take stock of your role in the demise of your marriage so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

So there you go, 5 ways to forgive yourself after a divorce.

Remember forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is about letting go of the anger and hurt around what happened.

And you don’t want to forget. You want to let go of the pain but it’s important to remember what happened in the past so that you do not make the same mistakes again, so that you can have the life, and the love, that you want this time around.

I know that you can do this to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I did it and you can too!

 

The One Thing You Need To Do To Get Your Happily Ever After

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The One Thing You Need To Do To Get Your Happily Ever After

Are you starting to despair that you will ever get your happily ever after with the man of your dreams?

Have you been looking everywhere for your prince but has every person let you down, over and over?

Are you ready to give up?

Let me tell you that it is possible to get your happily ever after by doing just one thing!

And what is that thing?

That thing is recognizing, and accepting, that your happily ever after is never going to be like what you see in movies or one TV.

Does that mean that you need to settle? That you won’t ever get the romance that you long for? That you must accept whatever comes along or to make do with what is in front of you?

NO!

What it means is that, if you can add a little dose of reality into your dream of finding your prince, and the life that you will live with him, you will be way more likely to be able to find, and keep, the love you seek!

So, how do you do that? What must you do to find your happily ever with the man of your dreams? Let me share!

#1 – Don’t expect perfection.

Think about every rom-com that you have ever seen. Think Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds.

The characters that they play are literally the most perfect guys in the world. They are handsome, smart and emotionally intelligent. They know how to say the right things and be there when we need them. They have just the right amount of money, have a cool job, have a perfect family and maybe even an adorable kid.

They, and they alone, can give the protagonist the happily ever after they have always wanted.

But they, I am afraid, are characters created by writers the ideal of what every woman wants.

I am afraid that the rom-coms on which we have based everything we believe a relationship should be are exactly the things that hold us back from finding a good one.

Why? Because nobody is perfect.

Sure, many guys are as handsome as any movie star but they might be also guys who say the wrong things, or who don’t have a very high EQ. They might be guys who are struggling with their jobs or who have a fraught relationship with their families.

But they also might be guys who are working hard to get ahead at work, who volunteer at food shelters, who know that they don’t always say the right thing but are working on it. And those imperfect guys are exactly the guys you want!

So, if the guy you love isn’t perfect, that is ok. It’s important that you love someone, warts and all. Don’t walk away because your person won’t meet you on the top of the Empire State Building with his adorable kid in tow!

#2 – Don’t ignore your differences.

Think Breakfast Club. Think Pretty Woman. Think Crazy Rich Asians. Think 10 Things I Hate About You. Think Dirty Dancing.

Think about almost any other rom-com that you ever seen.

What is the one underlying theme that they all have in common?

The idea that two people from entirely different walks of life can fall madly in love and build a life together.

And that, I am afraid, isn’t as easy as it sounds.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me because they are struggling with their partner and a big part of that struggle is because they come from such different backgrounds.

For one of my clients, her boyfriend was raised in a super religious, off-the-grid kind of family. Nothing at all like her middle class, sub-division upbringing. She just does not understand why he does the things he does and neither does he.

For another client, her boyfriend grew up in an orphan in the inner city. He had made it out and is very successful but he has a hard time being ok with the fancy trips her family takes every Christmas.

It can be very hard for people from different backgrounds, different levels of education, different political or religious beliefs, to build a life together. Each person is the way they are because of their background and if those things do not necessarily jive, it can be hard work to meet somewhere where both are comfortable.

And this can be a huge issue. Especially once children come along.

Now, I am not saying that this can’t happen. Every day, people who are very different do make their relationship work. But they have to dig deep and be willing to work together to do so, to do things differently and to accept differences.

So, if you want to get your happily ever after, be aware that, sometimes, while getting the bad boy from the other side of the tracks might be very romantic, as time goes on you could find that that exact thing is what drives you apart.

#3 – Don’t expect quick resolutions.

Movies last about 2 hours, usually. And, over the course of that two hours, two people meet, fall in love, struggle with an issue and then resolve it and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life it doesn’t work that way.

Couples have issues. Sometimes issues can be resolved really quickly but others take time. And, both people in the relationship need to be willing to do the work to resolve them.

Unfortunately, while this is easily done in the movies, not so much in real life.

Why? Because, unlike characters written for movies, many people just don’t have the skills that are important for working through issues.

And, even worse, sometimes people do have those skills but they don’t match up with their partners, and, therefore, doing the work to resolve the issue can be impossible.

There is one particular thing that I hear my clients believe they need to do, something that I always see in movies and, when I do, I always yell at the screen.

It happens when a couple is having a disagreement and one person makes a statement, something somewhat profound, and then they turn and walk away, leaving their person unable to say anything, left to consider what their partner has just said.

This makes me crazy!

For couples to work through issues, they must talk about them. No storming away, hoping that your person will follow you (like you see in the movies). No issuing ultimatums, hoping that your person will just love you enough to change (like you see in the movies).

Resolutions are messy. They are fraught with emotions. They are sometimes unattainable.

If you can accept that any issues that arise might not resolve quickly, that you are two different people with two different perspectives and that you might want different things, that things don’t resolve easily like they do in the movies, then you just might get your happily ever because you won’t be let down every time an issue doesn’t get resolved right away.

#4- Don’t expect world rocking sex.

When I was growing up (yes, back in the dark ages) our access to sex was limited.

Sure, we could steal our father’s Playboy and maybe stumble upon some porn on cable TV but, more often than not, sex in movies and on TV was hard to find.

Things are different now. Sex is everywhere. Men grow up watching porn regularly. Detailed sex scenes in movies are the norm. Advertisements show perfect bodies and don’t even get me started on social media!

But, I need to tell you that the sex you see in movies isn’t real sex. It is not even close.

I remember watching The Affair. The two people who were having the affair had the most amazing sex. I used to watch it and wish that my sex was like theirs. And, when I had sex with my boyfriend, I was almost always disappointed.

So, if you want to get your happily ever after, know that sex is messy. That different people like different things. That don’t always orgasm together. That people have hair in places you don’t expect it.

And that is ok.

#5- Don’t assume that love conquers all.

This is the one that breaks my heart the most having to break it to my clients that love doesn’t conquer all.

Why, oh why, can’t they just be together? They love each other very much but the relationship just isn’t working. Won’t their love ultimately prevail?

Sadly, usually, no.

Again, people are only human. They bring their own peccadillos into every relationship. They have different levels of emotional IQs. They have jobs that are stressful and difficult family relationships.

And, no matter how hard a couple tries to make it, sometimes there are things that just can’t be overcome.

One of my clients has just broken up with her boyfriend of 6 years. She tried so hard to make it work but they were just too different. She was silly and spontaneous, he was more serious and sedentary.

She tried to twist herself into a pretzel to make things work but it just didn’t.

She broke up with him, primarily because their personalities just didn’t match.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him but that love wasn’t enough to make her happy or keep the relationship afloat.

Again, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes the love is enough to find success working through the issues. The love opens people up to doing the work that they need to do to find their way back to each other.

But it doesn’t always. And accepting that, accepting that sometimes things just don’t work and that you must move on, is the best way to find the love that you are seeking.

So, there you go, the things that you must recognize and accept if you want to get your happily ever after.

I know that none of this seems romantic and that that makes you sad. But the reality is is that true love, true romance, can be achieved if everyone recognizes that life is not like the rom-coms.

By accepting that people aren’t perfect, that the sex might just be messy, that things don’t resolve quickly and that love doesn’t always conquer all, you give yourself the space to find real love, a love that can last a life time.

And, while this might be different than the stuff you see in movies, it really is the key to getting the happily ever after you have always wanted!

 

 

 

 

Feeling Depressed After the Holidays? 5 Reasons Why and How to Fix It

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For so many of us, feeling depressed after the holidays is a regular thing.

And it’s not a good thing.

I have clients who don’t even enjoy the holidays because they know they will just be depressed when they are over.

Understanding why you might be feeling depressed after the holidays just might help you manage it so that you don’t spend the next year in a funk!

Here are 5 reasons that you might be feeling depressed after the holidays and what to do to help yourself feel better!

#1 – New Year’s resolution pressure.

Setting new year’s resolution is something that many of us do every year.

The idea of a new year, a new you, is very compelling and we set these lofty resolutions with sincere intent.

And then, a few days/weeks/months in, we let those resolutions go, either because of apathy, lack of time or how hard the resolution is to keep. And what does dropping our resolutions do? It makes us depressed.

Letting ourselves down is one of major causes of situational depression. We feel like a loser that we can’t keep a promise to ourselves, or to others, and that self-judgement can put us into a very dark place.

But, there are ways for you to keep those resolutions (or at least some of them) to help you feel better about yourself and let go of the depression.

How many resolutions did you set? Did you decide that you were going to quit drinking, go vegetarian, get to the gym and sleep more?

Or perhaps did you just decide to be healthier.

Those goals are great, truly! But they really aren’t achievable. Why, because you have bitten off more than you can chew.

No one, and I mean, no one, could successfully quit drinking, go vegetarian, go to the gym and sleep more in one fell swoop. It’s just too much change too quickly, especially with things that might be very challenging.

As to deciding to be healthier, what exactly does that mean and how would you accomplish it if you didn’t have a concrete plan?

What I do, and what I encourage my clients to do, is to choose ONE thing to start with. That one thing can’t be get healthier but it could mean to quit drinking for a month. OR to eat less red meat. OR to commit to the gym 3 days a week. OR to put your phone away at 11pm so that you will sleep.

Anyone can do one of those things, if they set their mind to it.

Have you bitten off more than you can chew with your new year’s resolution. If yes, try paring it down a bit so that it is in manageable chunks. If you can do this, if you can keep your new Year resolution, you might find that you are no longer feeling depressed after the holidays.

#2 – The darkness.

One of the things that always amazes me in January is how dark it is.

Of course, it is the time of year where the days are shorter, it gets dark late (5:00pm where I am) and temperatures are often much lower than we would like them to be.

And just this alone, particularly the absence of sunlight, can make someone depressed.

BUT, what I also notice in January is the complete absence of Christmas lights. For me, this is beyond bleak.

Christmas lights go up soon after Thanksgiving and they last, usually, through New Years. And then, poof, they are gone.

Of course, there are always a few hold outs but mostly, the colorful lights that we see outside people’s houses have been put away for the year.

For me, this is always depressing. I am not a big holiday person but I love the lights.

So, what do I do to get through these dark days of January? Two things.

The first is a get a full spectrum lamp, one which imitates the spectrum of light from the sun. These have been found to be beneficial in many ways, especially for easing the winter blues.

The second is that I keep a few Christmas lights around my house.

Every year, we put our Christmas tree outside but leave the lights on it. It is not really a Christmas tree anymore. It’s more like a beacon in the night, bringing some light into the darkness, as we wait for spring to come.

I love looking at those lights from inside the house or as I am pulling up in the driveway. A little bit of spirit during these difficult months.

#3 – The annual let down.

Be honest. Do you, every year, hope that this year will be different.

That you truly will have a holiday season like you see in the movies.

Where you will celebrate with family and friends (with no arguments about politics). Where you will get all the gifts that you wanted. Where you will bake cookies for your neighbors and appreciate the joy in the season.

And are you let down again, just like last year?

This can be a big reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays. The big hopes that you had for the perfect holiday season have been dashed with no hope to try again for almost a year.

I get it. But remember, there are many things that let us down every year, no matter how hard we try. We plan that perfect trip, but lose our luggage. The project that we worked on didn’t turn out the way we wanted. We wanted that new Volkswagen but had to settle on a used one instead.

And, do we get through those let downs every time? Do they bog us down for a bit but then do we let them go and move onto the next thing?  YES!

The same will happen with the holiday let down. It might feel acute right now but I can promise you that it will be gone by Valentine’s Day, at the very latest!

#4 – The state of your relationship?

Did you know that January is the number one month when people file for divorce?

Why? Because, they think that they just can’t get through one more holiday with the person they are with.

Holidays can bring out the worst in people and they can make an already stressful time more stressful.

Whether it’s conflict around traditions, disagreements about the amount of money that will be spent on gifts, the crazy schedule of holiday events or the time spent with extended family, the holidays can add a lot of pressure to a relationship that might already be struggling.

Also, over the holidays we often have to spend a lot more time with our partners and, if that relationship is already stressed, more time together might just exacerbate problems or allow us to see them more clearly.

So, what is the state of your relationship? Might your depression be the result of feeling helpless around it? Might it be because you are sad that you did fight so much? Was spending time wonderful or like pulling your fingernails out?

Whether it’s good or bad, the state of your relationship might be one of reasons you might be feeling depressed after the holidays.

#5 – The 4th of July.

The nice thing about the fall is that we have lots of fun holidays.

We have Labor Day which is a celebration of the end of the summer, one involving family and feasting.

We have Halloween with all its pumpkins and candy.

We have Thanksgiving and then we have Christmas and then we have New Years.

The mundanity of our everyday lives is broken by fun things all through the fall. That doesn’t happen so much after New Years. What we have is a loooong stretch to another holiday 4th of July. And a loooong stretch until summer officially begins.

Sure, we have a few Presidents Day and MLK day and perhaps a springtime vacation but really, what we have for six long months is the day in day out routine.

And that, the anticipation and the living in it, can be one reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays.

I make a huge effort every year to make a plan to do things to break the routine that is winter.

I try to travel to New York City to see my kids once a month. I make movie dates with my friends. I try to have a special night out with my boyfriend. I make an effort to be spontaneous when I can be.

Are there things that you could do to break up the mundane over these next few months? I am guessing there are. So, make a plan to do those things. Get yourself out of the routine before you get stuck there.

Sometimes just having something to look forward to is enough to break the cycle of depression that can come after the holidays.

So, there you go 5 reasons why you might be feeling depressed over the holidays.

I do want to say that while all of the reasons that I have listed above might be contributing towards your depression, know that there might be more to it than that.

If you find that you are having a hard time pulling yourself out of your depression or if it’s getting worse, I would encourage you to reach out to your primary care doctor.

If you find yourself isolating or having no desire to do things that you usually like to do, reach out to your doctor. Your depression could be more than just the post-holiday blues!

 

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