5 Ways to Survive after Your Boyfriend Cheated

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Are you reeling from the discovery that your boyfriend cheated and wondering how you will ever survive the pain that you are feeling? Do you just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear?

I am so sorry if you are feeling this way. I totally get it I have been there, as have many, many women before you. Having your boyfriend cheat on you, and the ensuing heartbreak, is one of the worst things you can go through and it feels like it will never end.

Well, I can promise you that, not only can you survive the fact that your boyfriend cheated but you can even thrive! I know it seems impossible right now but I promise you, you can!

Here are 5 ways to survive, and thrive, after your boyfriend cheated!

#1 – Know that it’s not your fault.

First and foremost, if your boyfriend cheated, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

So many women blame themselves when their boyfriends cheat. They believe that if only they had been hotter, smarter, kinder, more outgoing, around more etc. that their boyfriend would never have cheated.

A client of mine found out that her boyfriend had cheated and the first place that she went was that it was her fault. She had been working too hard and spending lots of time with her friends and she knew that she wasn’t giving him as much attention as he might like. So, she blamed herself for his infidelity.

I reminded her that there are two people in every relationship and that infidelity doesn’t usually happen in a void. I asked her if her boyfriend had spoken to her about the fact that he had been feeling neglected. She said he did not. She was guessing maybe he was but, because he didn’t speak up, she just continued on.

I do believe that if her boyfriend had spoken up, she might have been able to change her behaviors so that he was feeling more settled in the relationship. But he did not speak up; he cheated.

And, I would argue, that cheating is taking the coward’s way out. Instead of communicating with her, my client’s boyfriend looked outside of their relationship to get the connection he wanted.

And that, was not her fault. And neither is your boyfriend’s cheating.

#2 – Talk to him about it.

I am sure that you are torn right now. Part of you wants to yell and scream and walk out the door. Another part of you wants to pretend that none of this happened and just go on with your life. And I am guessing that the idea of talking to your boyfriend in any reasonable way about what happened feels unfathomable.

One of the most important ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated is by talking to him about it. Why? Because it’s important that you each get a chance to talk and be heard. Because, if you can do that, figuring out what next steps are will be easier.

First, you want to listen to what he has to say. He might have nothing to say which might make your decision whether to stay or go easy. But he might very well have something to say that he wants you to hear. Something that he hasn’t said before, like my client above. Either way, it is important that he be given the chance to talk and you must be willing to truly listen.

Secondly, it is very important that you get the opportunity to say what you need to say. It is important that you get to ask questions, that you are able to express your anger and hurt, that you get to say everything that you need to say so that you can move forward, one way or the other, without words being left unsaid.

A key part of how to survive after your boyfriend cheated, whether you stay or not, is to make sure that you have said everything that you want to say, so that you know that you can move forward having been honest with him and with yourself.

All of that being said, if you truly feel that you have nothing to say to your boyfriend, that nothing he could say would make any difference, you don’t have to talk to him. It is within your rights to walk away and never look back. He cheated. You didn’t. You can decide.

#3 – Get some help.

If you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, I would 100% percent encourage you to get some help  a professional who can help you process your feelings and figure out what are your next steps.

Of course, you have your friends and your sister and your mother and your co-workers and the internet and the guy who tends bar down the street. You can talk to all of these people about what happened and each of them will have an opinion to share with you. The thing is, people who aren’t professionals will give you advice based on their own experiences, not necessarily based on your story.

Furthermore, our friends and relatives will generally tell us what we want to hear. If you are feeling sentimental about your person one night, your friend will support you with reasons you can work things out. If you go out with another friend the next night, and express your anger, that friend will give you all sorts of reasons to break up with him.

The more people you ask, the more confused you will get.

And, if you decide to get back together with him, all of those people who you shared your story with will not be so happy to welcome your boyfriend back into the fold.

So, if you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, get some help. Find someone (like me!) who will listen to YOUR story and YOUR feelings and use their professional experience to help you move forward from where you are right now.

Wouldn’t that feel great? To move forward?

#4 – Hold your head high.

As I mentioned before, for many people, when they find out that their boyfriend was unfaithful, they just take to their bed. They are devasted, feeling guilty, scared of people’s judgment and full of self-loathing. Their agenda TV, ice cream and Kleenex boxes.

While I definitely support anyone who needs to retreat when they find out that their boyfriend cheated, I 100% percent recommend that you limit your time doing so. Why? Because isolating will only make you feel worse about yourself and further devastate your self-esteem.

The amount of time that people need to isolate is different but I would definitely encourage you to get up off the couch within a week. If you wait any longer, you just might find yourself permanently attached to it!

So, what do you do when you get off the couch? Anything that would bring you some sort of joy or if not joy, then happiness. And if not even happiness, something that doesn’t feed the misery.

If you like to go for walks, do it. And make yourself a break up playlist to listen to as you do. Spend time with your girlfriends. Go home and let your mom take care of you for a while. Buy yourself something pretty. Plan a trip. Dig into a work project. Whatever it is that will make you feel stronger. Strong enough to move forward.

And, if you haven’t yet had the conversation with your boyfriend, now is the time to start thinking about having it. Having that conversation with him will help you decide what the next steps are in your relationship.

#5 – Get on with your life.

Yes, your boyfriend cheated. And it sucks. But that doesn’t mean that this infidelity has to ruin your life and affect your future. And you are the only one who can prevent that from happening.

I know that right now you feel betrayed. You feel like this person who you gave your heart to broke it. And you believe that you will never be able to love or be loved again. The idea of trusting someone else is inconceivable.

And that is how you feel right now but it doesn’t have to define how you will feel in the future if you don’t let it.

How many people do you know who go into relationships with chips on their shoulders because of past issues with an ex? They have been hurt and they will never let that happen again, so they put up walls. And what does that do? Damage, or end, the next relationship and the next and maybe even the next.

I always tell my clients that people are only human and humans are fallible. We all make stupid decisions that we regret. And sometimes that human being makes a mistake that affects you. And that can very damaging.

If you can try to recognize that that one person, one human being, made a mistake, that it doesn’t mean that every other man in the universe is going to be unfaithful, you will have a much easier time moving on with your life, being happy and finding love again.

If you stay mired in the past, making decisions around one person’s infidelity, you might never move on and find the love that you want.

You don’t want that do you?

So now you see, there are ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated.

I know it seems inconceivable but it’s true.

This moment is one moment in your life. It doesn’t have to define you. You can take what happened, learn from it and get on with your life.

When my ex found another girlfriend, I was forever framing it as the fact that he had left me. That was how I felt it was. And, while, technically, it was true, in reality our relationship hadn’t been perfect. So, I started to frame it not that he left but that we ended it. Which, ultimately, is what we did! That reframing helped me move on so I could use my coping skills to survive and thrive!

You can do it too! Make sure that you accept that this is not your fault. Talk to him about it (if you want to). Get some help outside of your social circle. Hold your head high and move forward with confidence.

This one thing doesn’t have to define you. It is a small blip in your long life. Remember that.

The life, and love, that you want is out there waiting for you!

5 Ways Social Media Can Kill a Relationship Before it Even Begins

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I can’t tell you how many times I have to tell my clients that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts.

Why?  I believe that, at its most basic level, social media can warp our perceptions of reality. I do believe that much of what is put out there is put out there authentically but that what we see does not necessarily present the real picture of a person or a thing. And I believe that it is this particular element of social media that can kill a relationship before it even starts.

I so often see people judging their relationship, whether it is brand new or not even in existence yet, by what they see on social media. As a result, romantic relationships, the relationships that we all seek, are stopped before they can even start.

Awareness around this is the key to not letting social media destroy your relationship before it even starts.

#1 – Misinformation.

I have a client who is struggling with being ghosted by a guy she was seeing for a while. To understand why it happened, and how she should react to it, she turned to TikTok. When she finally talked to me about it, she kept on saying TikTok says, like the words that she heard on the app were the words of experts, that the gospel of TikTok is how she should process what has happened to her.

Let me be clear I do believe that hearing stories about how others get through things is an excellent way to learn. I do that all the time with my blogs. But I feel like my client was taking the words that she was hearing from TikTok and completely internalizing them. She was using the words of people she doesn’t know, and who don’t know her, to process the potential end of her relationship.

Furthermore, what many people put onto social media is not their complete picture. Of course, we all seek to tell our story but people curate what they put on social media. We don’t always tell our whole story because we know that we will be judged if they do. And, as a result, we are often manipulated, sometimes inadvertently, to believe something that isn’t the complete picture.

So, I encourage you to pause for a minute before you take someone’s TikTok advice as the gospel truth. Doing so might help you process what you are going through, your personal experience, in a way that will help, and not harm, you and your relationship.

#2 – Inaccurate perceptions.

I have another client who met a guy online. They hadn’t yet met but the conversations were lovely. She was looking forward to meeting him UNTIL she checked out his Instagram account. What did she see? That he was friends with lots of girls. And for her, that was a HUGE red flag!

I asked her why. She said that it was because she believed that, if he was friends with so many women, she would always worry about him cheating on her. So, before she had even met him, she defined him as someone who couldn’t be friends with women because he might cheat on her.

That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship, does it?

My question to her was What if you met this man at a bar and you had a lovely conversation? You then dated him for a while and got to know him, and he got to know you. As you got to know him, you learned that he and his sister had decided that they would be friends with each other’s friends on social media. It made them feel more connected, for many reasons. As a result, he was friends with many women on social media because of his sister, not because he was a womanizer.

If this happened, once you knew who he was as a person, would you judge him and walk away, assuming that he would someday cheat on you?

No, probably not.

My point is that making an assumption or a judgment about someone based on their social media is an assumption or a judgement not based on any kind of knowledge about the reality of the situation. Of course, it could be that he really is a womanizer but you just do not know until you investigate. And if you don’t investigate, that relationship could be over before it starts either because you are insecure from the beginning or because you have prejudged them to be someone they are not.

So, pay attention to assumptions that you make about someone’s social media profile. Remember, they are not necessarily based in any kind of reality!

#3 – False expectations.

So, tell me the truth. Does what you post on social media totally reflect who you are as a person? Do you post pictures after a night out drinking or when your skin is acting up or after a fight with your sister?

Or do you post the night of, when you are all dressed up and having fun? If you do have to post when your skin acts up, do you use a filter? And I am sure you never post when you are really angry at your sibling.

So, knowing that what you post about yourself isn’t always an accurate reflection of who you are in the world, why would you assume that other people’s posts are an accurate reflection of who they are?

I have a client who had been chatting with a guy she met online. In his profile, he posted pictures of himself going out, of him playing softball, of him climbing mountains on Sundays. As a result, she swiped right because she liked that he was so active.

And they met and she got to know him and she really liked everything about him, except that he wasn’t very active. A day on the couch was just as appealing to him as a day on a hike. And that she wasn’t happy about. She felt like she had been promised someone who didn’t really exist.

When we get to know someone through social media, instead of IRL (in real life), we learn about them posting about their best selves, not the full picture. Of course, we would post a picture of ourselves on the top of a mountain instead of on the couch because we want to be appealing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we spend more time on top of mountains than on the couch we just present ourselves that way.

So, be careful not to assume that the person you see on social media is who they are. They only way to truly get to know someone is by interacting with them. If you assume you know someone because of their profile, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

#4 – Options, options, options.

This is the number one complaint that I hear from people about social media, especially from women – because of social media, people are presented with too many options.

Much like when you go into Dunkin’ Donuts and are trying to choose a donut but you just do not know which one to pick because you are worried that you might pick the wrong one, so does social media make us question our choices always wondering if there might be someone out there who is better for us.

I can’t tell you how many guys I have chatted with on social media who, in the middle of a conversation, just suddenly disappeared. I never know what truly happened but I am guessing that someone shinier came along, someone they wanted to talk to instead of me. And that felt pretty shitty every time.

But, over time, I came to accept that it wasn’t about me. It was about the wide variety of options out there, options that, because of social media, we are exposed to every day. Not only are there jillions of people on dating sites, we are bombarded with images of attractive people all day long on our phones. As a result, we are often left questioning if the grass might be greener elsewhere, like with that guy who is on top of a mountain instead of the one sitting next to you on the couch.

I believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts because of the vast array of options that are out there, options that are presented to social media users every minute of every day.

#5 – Disconnect.

Picture this. You are at a bar with your friends, and instead of keeping your head up and interacting, you are on your phone. Or that you are sitting at home with your new boyfriend, looking at your social media while you are watching TV. Neither one of these scenarios is any good for a relationship, or the possibility of a relationship, because of the disconnect that social media creates.

I can’t tell you how many guys I know who don’t approach women because they are on their phones. Approaching someone you don’t know is hard enough, but interrupting someone while they are on their phone is almost impossible. You just don’t know what you are interrupting.

As a result, while people really want to meet people IRL, they don’t because they are looking at their phones instead of looking up, open to seeing what is right there in front of them.

In my other scenario, the couple who are sitting on the couch together while one watches TV and one is on social media are setting themselves up for disappointment because, while they are sitting next to each other, they are not sharing the experience. They are parallel, but not connected.

Being parallel but not connected doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal but, over time, it can wear away at the fabric of a relationship. I can’t tell you how many times my ex and I fought over him picking up his phone during commercials instead of talking to me. It was definitely one of the things that ultimately broke us up.

So, pay attention to how your phone and social media disconnect you from the people in front of you. It just might be that that disconnect is why you can’t find love.

I know that you don’t want to believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts but it can.

As I write this, I am wondering if someone was told that, to find the love of their life, they would have to give up social media, if they would end up choosing love. I would hope so but I am just not sure. That is how much social media is part of the fabric of our lives.

If you want to find love, pay attention to how social media affects your journey and any relationship that you might find. Make sure that you don’t make assumptions, that you don’t judge a book by its cover, that you don’t take what you see as gospel truth and that you keep your head up more than you do down.

If you can be aware of the ways that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts then you will have the opportunity to choose the effect that it can have on you and your search for love.

Because your person is out there. I promise!

5 Things to Consider if You are Getting Married but Unsure

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Good for you for looking for things to consider if you are getting married but unsure.

Getting married is easy but staying married is harder and very few people consider this fact before they get married. They are picturing the wedding and the honeymoon and the babies but not what it would truly look like to be married to their person forever.

And, in order to stay married, it’s important to take a good look at those things that are making you pause now and question whether or not you are ready.

To that end, here are 5 things to consider if you are getting married but unsure.

#1 – Do you love this person for the way they are right now?

So many of us are with people who we believe that we can change Oh, we think. He/she won’t always be this way. Someday they will change.

And, while this might be true, more often than not, the person who you are considering marrying is exactly the person you will be married to for the rest of your life.

So, consider your person. Do you like the way they dress? Do you like the way they are at parties? Do you like their politics? Do you like their friends? Do you hope that they will be open to letting you go to Peru for 6 months next year, even if they say now that they won’t be?

I know that it is hard to know what you will want from your partner in the future but I can promise you that if the person who is in front of you right now isn’t exactly the person who you want them to be then it’s not probably a good idea to get married.

On the other hand, if the person you are marrying might not be perfect but has the attributes that you want in a person, then having a successful marriage will be way more likely. After all, if you can agree on things now then it’s most likely that you will be able to agree on things in the future!

#2 – Do you just want to have a wedding?

I always tell my daughter that, if she wants to get married, it’s really important that, before she does, she throws herself a big party and gets a big floofy dress.

Why? Because so many people are caught up in the idea of a wedding that they do not consider what being married is really like.

For women, from an early age, we are bombarded with the idea of happily ever after.And happily ever after includes a fabulous wedding and a dress the likes of which we will never wear again. Many girls grow up dreaming of their ideal wedding. And the reality TV world shows us over the top weddings that, because of FOMO, people aspire to have.

So, I want you to seriously consider if you are doing this because of the wedding, because of your big day when you get to be the center of attention, where people will shower you with gifts and when you get to ride off into the sunset with your partner. The stuff of fairy tales, maybe, but not necessarily the stuff that makes a healthy marriage.

#3 – Are you getting married because of timing?

I remember when we were on our honeymoon I asked my ex-husband what it was that had brought us together. He said timing.

I should have walked away from that marriage right there and then.

In many ways, marriage is contagious. Are there some people in your circle who have gotten married, who have settled down, maybe bought a house and are having babies? And, are you green with envy, thinking that that is the life that you want?

I would encourage you to pause and consider if that really is the life that you want. And if it is, is it the life that you want RIGHT NOW?

I know now what my ex-husband meant by timing and, in retrospect, I know that timing is why we got married. We had just moved in together, our friends were starting to get married and I wanted babies! So, we got engaged and got married.

While my ex-husband and I had a lovely life together in so many ways, and have two great kids because we got married, I do wish that I had waited, waited until I had found someone who I was madly in love with, who I married not because everyone else was and because I wanted to have babies but because he was truly the one I wanted.

My therapist once told me that the people who can successfully bring a struggling marriage back to a healthy place are people who were madly in love with their person from the beginning.

So, consider if you are getting married because it is time or if you are doing so because of the love you feel for your person.

#4 – Are you getting married for yourself?

Ok, so perhaps you are of a certain age. Or perhaps your friends think you should do it. Or perhaps your parents were married when they were younger than you. Or perhaps your religion frowns on non-marital cohabitation. Or perhaps you are pregnant. Or perhaps your grandmother’s dying wish is that you marry your person.

There are many pressures out there, by society and by family and friends, to get married. As I said before, everyone aspires to the happily ever after. And everyone has an opinion on when and where and why a wedding should occur.

I know that my friends insisted that my ex and I were perfect for each other. We were both funny and smart and kind and workaholics. And while I agreed to some degree, I wasn’t 100% sure. But they insisted and, when the time came, I let their opinions over ride mine.

Are you getting married because you know that this is the person who you want to be with forever or because everyone else believes that this is the person for you. Everyone else who doesn’t actually exist inside this relationship, who doesn’t necessarily see or feel what you feel.

This is one of the most important decisions of your life make it for yourself, not for other people.

#5 – Are your values, goals and traditions truly aligned?

Again, weddings are fun, marriage more challenging. And a key part of a healthy marriage are values, goals and traditions that align.

In my marriage, my ex’s and my values and goals were definitely aligned. We wanted to have successful careers and be financially stable. We wanted me to stay home and take care of the kids and for him to work. We wanted to teach our kids to be kind and we wanted to make sure that they felt loved. All of those things were awesome.

What didn’t align for us, however, was our relationships with our extended family. This is something that we were both aware of before we got married but we ignored, figuring it would not have much of an effect on our marriage. And it was, in fact, that thing that tore us apart.

From the beginning we wanted to do things different ways. I wanted to do things the way I was raised and his mother insisted we do things the way she wanted them done. My husband was caught in the middle and handled it very poorly. As a result, his mother and I became increasingly estranged, which did not make things good for anyone. And I started to trust my husband less and less because he wasn’t advocating for me.

Do you and your partner have any values, goals, or traditions that aren’t aligned now? Do you see red flags for things that might be issues in the future but are you ignoring them, hoping that things will change or that they won’t really matter?

If there are red flags, stop! Think carefully. Perhaps even discuss them with your partner! It is very important that you are aligned about the things that will be a daily part of your life, the things that will keep your marriage healthy for years to come.

Knowing that there are things to consider if you are getting married but unsure is, I know, something that you were hoping would never happen to you.

No one wants to think that getting married might not be the right thing for them. I mean, there is a ring on a finger, invitations have been mailed out, and mothers are eager for the big day. You do not want to let anyone down. But you just aren’t sure. You do not want to make a mistake.

I applaud you! The embarrassment that might come from walking away from a wedding is way better than the pain you will have to feel when you get divorced.

So, consider if you are marrying the person who is right in front of you. Are you getting married because of timing or because other people want you to? Are you getting married because of the big white dress? And are you marrying someone you are truly aligned with?

Think about all of these things carefully before you take the next step. You will be glad you did! I promise!

 

Why It’s Hard to Break Up with Someone Even if You Don’t Love Them

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Are you completely flummoxed about why it’s hard to break up someone, even if you don’t love them?

Do you think that it should be easy? I mean, you don’t love them and you want to find someone you do love, so breaking up should be easy, right?

Over my years of coaching clients in this exact position, I have come to learn that there are 5 clear reasons why it’s hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them. Knowing and understanding them might help you be able to take the step and break up with them so that you can both move on.

#1 – The idea of hurting them feels bad.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don’t love and the one that frustrates me the most because it’s not a good reason!

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It is really amazing. And, almost without exception, especially if they sleep with him, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And do you know what he does? He doesn’t tell them he isn’t interested.He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is afraid to hurt them.

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth.  Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don’t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#2 – You don’t want to mess up your friend group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people who find it hard to break up with someone it’s because of the effect that it will have on their friend group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren’t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love because of your friends, don’t. Move on. It might be tough in the short term but, in the long term, it is the right thing to do for both of your future happiness!

#3 -You are hoping things will change.

This is a really hard to accept reason why you can’t break up with someone that doing so will mean that you have accept that things might never change, that as much as you hope they will go back to the way things were or improve in the future, they won’t.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn’t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn’t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn’t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams as a result.

So, if you still hope that your relationship will change, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on the quality of your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it’s the first, keep fighting. If it’s the second, it’s time to move on.

#4 – You believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

This might one of the primary reasons that you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love.

I don’t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking, in high school, that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to be unhappy because, if you are stuck in this relationship, you won’t be able to find someone else.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, know that, if you do, if you can find the strength to do so, you will be way more likely to find the person of your dreams.

#5 – You are worried that you are making a mistake.

I have a client who has been in a relationship with a man since the start of Covid, March 2020.

Within months she knew that this was not the guy for her. He wasn’t employed, his politics were way off, she always had to pay for things, he would gaslight her horribly and pitifully apologize for what he had said. She was miserable and wanted out in a big way. But she couldn’t break up with him.

Why? Because she was worried that she was making a mistake. From the outside looking in, I knew that she wasn’t making a mistake but there was nothing I could do to convince her; she was just too close to it all to see clearly.

My client had been told by her parents over and over that she made stupid decisions. No matter what the choice she made they second guessed her. As a result, she really struggles with the wisdom of her decision to break up with him, even if she no longer loves him.

To deal with this, I encouraged her to look at past relationships, ones that she ultimately ended. Did it take her awhile to take action but she is glad that she did? And the answer was definitely yes. She managed to leave her husband after being unhappy for years. And, as a result, she was much happier. Recognizing this has helped her see that she can trust her own instincts, for her own happiness.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, it might be because you are worried that you are making a mistake. If this is you, push back on those fears. Look at past relationships that you managed to get out of and see if, ultimately, you made a mistake.

I am guessing probably not!

Finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them is not unusual.

I mean, you have all of this time invested in the relationship and you don’t like to give up on anything.

But you can do it! Knowing the signs will help.

If you are worried about hurting them and you don’t want to mess up your friend group, if you are hoping for change and worried that you are making a mistake or, worst of all, if you are worried that you will never love or be loved again, these are all reasons why breaking up is so difficult.

But you can do it. If you can accept that there will be some pain and uncomfortableness around a break up, if you can believe that you will be loved again, if you can have confidence that you aren’t making a mistake, then you will be able to break up with the person you don’t love and find a relationship that will make you happy!

5 Ways to Help a Friend Who is Depressed After a Break Up

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Good for you for trying to figure out how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up.

The second worst thing in the world, after getting depressed over our own break-up, is watching a friend suffer through one. We have been there, and we know how much it hurts, and our hearts go out to them.

What we don’t always know is the best way to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up. The path to break-up recovery is full of minefields, and as a friend, you want to help them through it and not make things worse.

To that end, here are ways to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up, ways that will get them through these dark times quicker, without leading to you ending up in the dog house for your efforts.

#1 – Consider what would you want…

When you have a friend who is depressed after a breakup, sometimes you feel helpless about how to help. One thing I would suggest is asking yourself what you would want.

I remember when my 13-year-old daughter’s best friend had a terrible break-up. My 13-year-old had never had a boyfriend, but the first thing she told her friend to do was to get some ice cream.

When she told me that, I knew that that was probably the first thing I would tell a friend as well, but I wondered how she knew, considering she had never had her heart broken.

‘That’s what I would want if I was feeling sad,’ she said. Brilliant.

So, think about what you would want if you were in the same place. I know that I would want to cry for a bit and then go out for a drink (or 5) with friends and rag on him and then go to the movies. I would eat Pad Thai and French fries and block him on my phone. I would suggest all of those things to my friend and see what stuck.

#2 – …but ask them what they want too.

I know that above I suggested doing things for your friend that you would want done for you, but sometimes what we would want just isn’t helpful at all. As a result, your friend could actually feel worse, being forced to do the things that would make YOU feel better.

So ask your friend what they need from you during these dark times. Do they want you around, or do they want you to go home? Do they want you to help them make a list of how horrible their ex is, or do they want to reminisce about how wonderful things were in the beginning? Do they want pizza or ice cream? Knowing what they want is the best way that we can help a friend in distress.

Of course, it’s often hard to see what would work when we are in such a dark place, so your friend might say they don’t know what they want. If that happens, go back to what you would want and see if any of those things appeal. You are friends, after all, so they just might.

#3 – Give them space.

Our tendency, when someone we love is hurting, is to hover over them, ready to take care of them. For women, especially, the inclination to make someone stop hurting is intense.

Unfortunately, many people err on the side of too much. They hover, waiting to do something that their person might want. They insist on sleeping over or staying for dinner or they do dishes or laundry or walk the dog, all in the attempt to help their person.

And, often, that just makes their person sadder.

So, pay attention to the signs. Yes, we like to have people around when we are in a dark place, but if you see any signs that you are being annoying, act on them. Make yourself scarce.

#4 – Listen to them and don’t try to fix them.

The number one worst thing that we can do when someone we love is depressed is to try to fix them. We so want to help, and yet, by trying to fix them, we tend to take only makes things worse.

Think about when you are feeling bad, no matter what the reason. Doesn’t it just piss you off when someone says ‘it’s all going to be ok,’ or ‘get over it’ or ‘relax’ or ‘move on.’ All of those things seem like platitudes and only make us feel horrible.

Even worse is when people start questioning your choices. ‘How can you be crying over that asshole?’ ‘Eating ice cream on the couch is a waste of time.’ ‘If you just take a shower we will go out and you will feel better.’

I 100% support you in the desire to help your friend who is depressed after a break-up, or for any reason, but thinking that you can fix them, or that they want to be fixed, will only make them feel worse about themselves, and all that trying to fix will do is drive a wedge between you.

So, listen to what they say, give them empathy, let them know that you are there but don’t try to fix them. They need to be broken for a while, and it’s up to them to fix themselves when they are ready.

#5 – Model healthy behaviors.

As I said above, trying to fix someone when they are feeling depressed will only backfire. Even if you believe that your friend needs to get out of the house and start living again, telling them so will only ground them further into their couch.

So, what should you do instead? You should do the things that you want your friend to do.

Imagine if you were feeling sad and your friend told you that it was time for you to get up and go for a walk with her, that it would make her feel better. How would that make you feel, having someone tell you what you needed to do to feel better? Not so good.

Instead, I would tell your friend that you are going for a walk and getting some ice cream. Paint a picture of what a perfect day it is for it and how good that chocolate chip is going to taste. By doing this, you are using the power of suggestion, planting the idea in her head that these things might be fun instead of telling her. That way, she might actually decide to go because she thinks that it’s her idea. And if she doesn’t go that time, she might just go the next time. On her own terms!

Knowing how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up is hard.

There is truly nothing worse than a broken heart – we have all been there, and we know – and seeing someone suffer from one is devastating.

But remember, this is your friend’s journey. You won’t be able to fix them. You can be by their side, encouraging them and supporting them, but ultimately it will be up to them to take the steps that they need to take to get past the break-up and move on.

So, be a friend – be there for them, but don’t try to fix them. Ask them what they need and don’t tell them what you think they need. And when they don’t want you around, respect that.

And remember – your friend will be fine. It might take a while, but be patient. You know that no one ever dies from a broken heart. And your friend won’t either.

Life does go on, after all!

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Lies

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Knowing how to save a marriage after infidelity and lies is the key to actually being able to do it!

When we set out to save a marriage, for any reason, we often make the mistake of not defining our goal specifically and identifying the things that need to be done to get there.

If you truly want to save your marriage after infidelity, focus your goal on that and make sure that the items below are a part of your toolkit.

#1 – Be Honest

It is essential that, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, you be honest with each other. No marriage can be saved without honesty, and honesty is the key to every happy relationship.

What do you need to be honest about? Several things.

The first is for the cheater to be honest about what happened. To own up to the infidelity and take ownership of what they have done by having the affair. Too many people, mostly because they are consumed with guilt, deny that the affair was a big deal, saying that it was just something that happened and that they want to forget about.

As a result, the other person feels cheated. They feel lied to. They feel disrespected. And that doesn’t set the stage for saving a marriage.

Another thing that is essential to be honest about is whether or not you want the marriage to be saved. Unless both people in the relationship want to work through this, there is no reason to even try.

Why? If one person wants to move forward, someone who doesn’t want to will only hold the other person back. If one person doesn’t want to move forward, they should be honest with their spouse and let them go so that they have an opportunity to heal.

So, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, it is essential to start by being honest with each other. If you don’t, your marriage is definitely doomed.

#2 – Be Patient

I know that the pain that you are feeling right now is huge. Whether you cheated or are the person cheated on, the revelation that there was cheating is devastating.

And, when we are in pain, we want more than anything for it to be gone, to return to normal again. Because normal might have been painful but less so.

It will take a couple a while to heal their marriage after infidelity. The person who cheated is most likely overwhelmed with guilt, even if they don’t think they are. And the person who was cheated on is probably struggling with anger, hurt, self-doubt and worse. Those emotions aren’t easy to get past.

So be patient. Know that the pain is going to stick around for a while. Figure out ways to manage it and don’t take it out on your partner.

If you take your pain out on your partner by treating them with contempt, you will only set yourself up for more pain and maybe the end of your marriage. There are ways to manage your pain without making things worse.

I would encourage you to keep yourself busy. There is nothing worse than sitting in your head all day, obsessing about what happened. Even worse is stalking them on social media, trying to learn more about the lover and trying to figure out if your partner is still cheating.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, spend time with people who love and support you and get enough sleep (I know – easier said than done right now). If you can take care of yourself right now, instead of sitting on the couch eating ice cream and obsessing, you will find that your pain will be lessened, if only for a little bit!

So, manage your pain as you work through saving your marriage. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Be Committed

If you are trying to save your marriage after infidelity, I would encourage you to decide whether you are committed to doing the work to save it.

I always tell my clients, when they are trying to stay away from someone who has broken their heart, to not be wishy-washy – to not say that they are going to ‘try’ to stay away from them. That they are going to ‘try’ to not respond to their texts. That they are going to ‘try’ to not stalk them on social media.

If you truly want to save your marriage, it is essential that you both are truly committed to making it happen. Commitment, the belief that you CAN do something, is the key to having success in anything, whether at work or in your personal life.

So, take a good look at how you are feeling. I am guessing that you aren’t sure if your marriage can be saved but being fully committed to doing the work to try to save it will only set you up for success.

I remember when my ex wanted to go to therapy after he asked for a divorce it was only so that ‘our marriage would end well.’ From my perspective, why even bother? He had made up his mind and therapy would have been a waste of time. I wished it could have been different but it was what it was. So, I went off and did my therapy and am now living happily ever after.

So, if you aren’t fully committed to making the effort to save your marriage, don’t even try.

#4 – Be Willing to Get Help

So many people believe that they can survive anything without getting any help.

For some reason, getting professional help to get you through difficult times has been stigmatized. We believe that we are tough, that we can get through anything on our own.

But this just isn’t the case. Why? Because you have never done this before. Never tried to save your marriage after infidelity.

Imagine that someone took you skiing and you had never been skiing once in your life. You decide not to take lessons because ‘how hard can it be?’ And then you find yourself at the top of the mountain with strange boards on your feet having no idea what to do next.

Getting through infidelity is the same. You have never been through this before and trying the DIY version of working through it will only end in more pain.

So, if you are both honestly committed to working through trying to save your marriage, I would encourage you to reach out to a professional marriage counselor or life coach who could help you take the steps to do so!

#5 – Be Respectful

I am guessing that you read this title and you thought to yourself – no way! Your person has cheated on you – you don’t owe them any respect.

I know that they have hurt you, deeply, but if you can’t treat them with respect, the respect that they deserve as a person, even if they have made a huge mistake, then you are just sabotaging any chances of saving your marriage.

Furthermore, I would encourage you not to talk to everyone about what has happened. Of course, we all have people who we need to process things with but getting out into the community and telling everyone what happened would only make things worse.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married woman and, when she decided to leave the relationship, he felt completely abandoned. And hurt. And he wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurt himself.

So, he decided that he was going to approach her and her husband, in front of all of their friends, and tell the husband what had happened between them. He knew that if he did this, his ex’s reputation in the community would be destroyed and that, if they ever got back together, not only would he be ridiculed but it would be hard for them to be respected as a couple.

So, if you want to save your marriage after your partner cheated, I would encourage you not to do or say anything that you can’t take back. I would encourage you to treat your partner like you would want to be treated. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up to end your marriage.

Knowing some of the things to do if you want to save your marriage after infidelity is the best way to actually reach your goal.

It’s not going to be easy to come back after infidelity, but if you are honest, committed, willing to get help, and be respectful, you are setting yourself up, in a big way, for success.

I know that you can do this! And, no matter how it all ends up, you can know that you did your best and that you maintained your self-esteem in the process!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

5 Ways to Know When It’s Time to Break Up with Someone

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Recognizing when it ‘ s time to break up with someone is one of the hardest things to do.

We get into relationships with so many hopes and dreams and, when they start to go awry, it ‘ s hard for us to face the facts. As a result, we struggle to figure out when it ‘ s time to break up with someone because we just don ‘ t want to face it.

I am guessing all of your friends are telling you many reasons why you should be breaking up with your person but you think that they don ‘ t know him the way you do so why should you listen? I ‘ m here to tell you that there are five concrete, universal signs that you should look for to know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone. Listen and learn ‘ ¦

#1 – If they lie to you more than once.

Does your person lie to you? Do they lie to you over and over? If yes, then it might just be time to break up with them.

We all tell lies. Sometimes little white lies to prevent us from hurting someone else. Sometimes lies because we are embarrassed by something we did. Sometimes lies that are unintentional.

The difference between these kind of lies and the kind of lies that show it ‘ s time to break up with someone is their frequency.

Do find that you are continually catching your person in a lie? Do they lie about why they came home late or why they can ‘ t see you or who they were hanging out with or whether they left the dishes in the sink?

Even worse, do you find they are lying to you over and over and over about the same subject, sometimes using different lies but often just some version of the one they used before?

People who lie in their relationships do so to protect themselves. They know that they are doing things that they shouldn ‘ t be doing and they feel guilty about it, so they lie. They don ‘ t want to get into a fight with you about the dishes in the sink, so they lie. They don’t want you to come along, so they lie.

And do they always lie again when they are caught in a lie?

If you are finding that your person is lying to you over and over then it ‘ s definitely time to break up with them.

Healthy relationships are built on trust and if you can ‘ t trust your person you have no chance of being happy. Furthermore, a person who is lying to you over and over is not someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. Finally, who wants to spend their whole life not believing a thing that their person is saying to them.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!

#2 – If they disappear.

Be honest. At the beginning of your relationship was your person always around and available? Did they text you all day long, call you late at night, always wanting to know what you were doing, what you were wearing, when they were going to see you next? And, do they still do that? Again, be honest.

A big sign that it ‘ s time to break up with someone is when your person disappears. If they usually text you good morning and they stop, that ‘ s a sign they may not be still into you. If they are AWOL for a few hours where normally they might be available, that ‘ s a sign that you might not be able to trust them. If they say they will spend time with you but then have an excuse for why they were doing something else, how can you not wonder why they didn ‘ t want to be with you.

Imagine if you had a friend who was consistently letting you down, not responding to your text messages, blowing off dates, disappearing when you needed them. Would you stay with a friend like that? Would you invest more time on someone who doesn ‘ t have the respect for you and your time that you deserve? Of course, you wouldn ‘ t. That friend would be sidelined immediately.

So, if you would let go of a friend who did that, why wouldn ‘ t you let go of a person who was doing that to you? Having a lover doing it to you is even worse than a friend because they are supposed to be your person, they are supposed to be prioritizing you, they should love and respect you enough that they will be there when they say they would.

If you person keeps disappearing, stop making excuses for them and let them go.

#3 – If history keeps repeating itself.

Ok, we have covered lying and disappearing and the fact that if those things are done over and over its definitely time to break up with someone.

People fight, people mistreat each other, people call each other bad names. People disappear and reappear without an excuse. People break up with each other and then they get back together. People watch ahead on the series that you were watching together.

Those things happen – we are only human and make mistakes all the time.

That being said, if you find that you and your person are having the same fight over and over, then it might be time to end things.

If you find that you break up and get back together and then break up and get back together, that is definitely a sign that your relationship should be stopping at the break up next time.

If your person goes out with their ex and lies about it, over and over, then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

So, think about your relationship? Do the same things keep happening over and over with no change? Do you get promises that things will be different next time only to have them be the exact same? Do you find you are repeatedly fighting about the same stupid thing without any resolution?

If you said yes to any of those things, it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with someone.

#4 – If they remind you of your ex.

Do you ever find yourself in a fight with your person and does it suddenly pop into your head that they are just like your ex?

When your partner has another excuse for why he won ‘ t be around, do you think back to all of the times that your ex used to do the same thing?

When you reach out for a hug only to be rebuffed, do you remember how your ex always had an excuse for why they couldn ‘ t touch you?

Unless we do our work after a breakup, unless we take the time to determine what went wrong and resolve to not repeat the same mistakes, we tend to choose the same type of person over and over and over. And, as a result, we find ourselves in the same position over and over and over – in an unhappy relationship.

If you are seeing your ex in your current partner then it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with them. After all, your ex is your ex for a reason. Do you want to waste your time repeating history or do you want to walk away now and find someone who couldn ‘ t be more unlike your ex and who could potentially make you deliriously happy?

#5 – If your gut says it’s time.

This is the hardest sign to look out for. If it wasn ‘ t, you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article.

Our gut is always accurate! Always. And yet it is the thing that we tend to ignore more than anything. And that is why there are so many relationship coaches out there – to help us to see what we already know but aren ‘ t willing to face.

Think about your previous relationships. Did you see a red flag with someone right away but choose to ignore it, hoping that you were wrong? Did your gut tell you that your person was lying to you but did you ignore it, wanting so badly to believe them? Did your gut tell you that things were not okay when their touch no longer made you happy?

I am guessing that, in retrospect, you are wishing that you had paid more attention to your gut and not wasted so much time chasing something that wasn ‘ t meant to be.

If you are feeling, in your gut, that it is time to break up with someone, then it is time to break up with someone. My list will be very helpful for you to process this situation intellectually but it is the feeling that you get in your gut, the one that says run for the hills, that is really the indicator that it is time to break up with someone.

So, listen to it!

Knowing when it ‘ s the time to break up with someone is something that we sometimes just don ‘ t want to face.

We are so scared of being alone or not finding someone who can love us or hoping that things will change it makes us unable to face the very clear clues that the time has come to end the relationship. And so we stay and we suffer.

Keep an eye open for the signs, that they are lying or disappearing over and over and over. If they remind you of your ex or if your gut says to run. If you see those signs and you want to live happily ever, after then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away and find the right person for you!

You can do it! I promise!

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