5 Small Things We Do That Sabotage Our Lives and Relationships

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Nobody really wants to know the small things that we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

Why? Because it’s way easier to ignore them and watch Netflix, hoping that things will just fix themselves.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.

If we want to live our best life, full of love and joy and contentment, it is very important that we do things that help us in that goal, not sabotage us.

That way, if we know where are opportunities are for growth, we can look at them and make a plan to fix them.

To that end, here are 5 small things we do that sabotage our lives and our relationships, so that you can understand the things that you might do so you can bring about change.

#1 – We judge ourselves.

So, be honest. How much time do you spend beating yourself up for all of your shortcomings?

How often do you look in the mirror and hate what you see? How often do you think of yourself as a loser because you can’t seem to get anything done?

How often do you think that your friends don’t really like you? How often do you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life?

I am guessing the answers to many of those questions, and to many more, are yes and that you judge yourself for it every day.

For years I tried to find a career that suited me. I tried to go back to school to be a nutrition coach. I sold real estate. I worked front desk at a hotel. I tried my hand at baking and started a small business selling frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

What came of any of them? Nothing. Each one I started and never finished.

And did that make me feel good about myself? Um, nope.

Instead, I judged myself. I had always believed that if I was a smarter, more determined person I would be able to do whatever I wanted to do but, with each time that I let myself down, I believed that less and less.

And that self judgment led to me spending a lot of time on the couch, watching soap operas, waiting for my kids to come home. Ugh.

#2 – We play the victim.

The flip side of judging ourselves is playing the victim, is believing that everything that is happening in our lives is someone else’s fault.

I know that when ex-husband left me for another woman I was devastated. It left me depressed and alone and I blamed all of it on my ex-husband and his new wife.

I believed that if he had done what he always said he would do, namely not leave me, we would still be together. I believed that if she had respect for women, she would respect me and my family. I believed that if we only hadn’t had to move for his job, we would still be together.

What I didn’t do was take an accounting of my role in the divorce.

I hadn’t been a great wife in later years. I had been depressed and focused on the kids. I was always either criticizing him or ignoring him. I rarely touched him and we never had sex.

But I did not think of any of those things. I just sat around, wallowing in my victimhood, not moving forward in any good way.

It was once I stopped blaming them that I started to heal. It was once that I took accountability for my role in the demise of our relationship and I was able to start learning how I could do things differently that I started to be able to move forward with my life, to find a new relationship and start a new business.

Playing the victim is one of those small things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships. If we could work harder at accepting that we have some responsibility in our lives, without judging ourselves for being less than if we have made a mistake, then we will have the opportunity to move forward towards the life, and the love, that we want.

#3 – We live in the past.

Again, be honest. How much time have you spent today thinking about the past. Playing those negative tapes over and over, bringing yourself down in the process.

You know those negative tapes the ones where you replay everything bad that you have ever said in your whole life, where you think about that boy in high school who you didn’t kiss and he told the whole school that he got to second base, when you told your friend that she looked fat or made that mistake at work that caused the company a contract.

You know what I mean, all the things, little and big, that you did once that make you feel squeamish.

All the things that just remind you more about what a loser you are and will always be.

Living in the past is the number one thing that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships. Focusing on the regrets that we have and not looking towards to future at what we can do differently.

And why is always looking to the past something that can hold us back? Because it is the past and you can’t change the past.

Furthermore, by focusing on things that we did in the past and wish that we could do differently, we are wasting time creating a story in our heads that may or may not be true.

I know that I wish I had gone on that date with Shawn on Friday, July 2, 1999 because I know that, if I had, we would have gotten married and had kids and been rich and we would have lived happily ever after.

And maybe that would have been the case. Or maybe we would have gone on that date and been robbed on the way home. Or maybe we wouldn’t have been able to have kids. Or maybe I would get sick and die young and he would fall into a deep depression.

Do you see what I mean? We focus on all of the regrets that we have, thinking that, if we had chosen things differently, we would have been happier but, in fact, we have no idea what our lives would have looked like if we had done things in another way.

What we can control is the present and the future. We can learn from our regrets and do things differently this time around. Instead of looking to the past, we can look to the future, with a plan, determine to live the life that we want.

#4 – We kill time on social media.

If I was in charge of the world, social media wouldn’t exist.

I know, it is a great thing for so many reasons.

We can stay connected to our friends, buy things we need, expose ourselves to thoughts different from our own, learn the definition of finifugal,” and when will we have the best beach weather.

But it is also so horrible for so many reasons. It gives us FOMO, it forces us to compare our lives to other people and makes us feel less than. It tells us to buy things we don’t need. It leads us to places that its algorithm wants us to go.

AND, it’s all a HUGE waste of time. HUGE.

I believe that wasting time on social media is one of the worst things we do that sabotages our life and relationships.

Not only do we lie on our beds, or on our coaches, for hours, not getting up and walking around or interacting with other people or applying for that job or calling our moms, but we are also being bombarded 24/7 with the idea that we need more, we are less than, that the world is falling apart, that being old is bad and we should just curl up in a closet and die.

I truly can’t think of one thing that sabotages our lives more than social media. And I know that it’s not going anywhere but I am hoping that someday we all realize the effect it is having on our lives and take steps to change that.

#5 – We live with toxicity.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t so satisfied with the state of your life.

That you wish that you could be happier, that you could accomplish more, that you could find the love and happiness that you want.

And good for you we all want that.

Let me ask you, is there someone in your life, perhaps sitting next to you on the couch, who is bringing toxicity into your life?

Someone who cuts you down for who you are and the choices you make. Someone who says they love you but then treats you with contempt and disdain. Someone who is keeping you from living the life that you want. Someone who you wish would just love you like you love them.

And, do you know, deep down, that these things are not okay, but are you not able to walk away?

Living with toxicity is one of those things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

When we are constantly exposed to a toxic person, much like a toxic chemical, we get sick. We lose confidence, we alienate ourselves from others, we take abuse that makes us question what love is, we get depressed and anxious and paralyzed.

It is so important that, if we want the life and the relationships that we dream about, we let go of the toxicity in our lives.

Maybe it is a lover, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a work colleague or just that barista who is so rude every day.

Whoever it is, if someone is poisoning your wellbeing with their toxicity, it’s time for them to go.

So, there you go 5 small things that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships.

So often it seems like the bigger things a break up, an illness, a lay-off, a death – are things throw us off track, and sometimes they can be, but it is the little things, the thousand little cuts, that really  take us down.

It’s judging ourselves for all of the things that we can’t do, or the blaming of others for them. It’s living in the past and living with toxicity as it slowly eats us alive. It’s letting social media use up our time and our energy and our wellbeing, keeping us on the couch and not out in the world.

So how about you? Can you recognize that you are just a person in the world, doing the best that you can, and that so is the next person? Can you not look to the past but to the future and let go of the toxicity around you? Can you get a lock box for your phone, put it in there and get out for a walk with a friend?

You can do all of those things, I know you can, and get the life you want!

 

5 Things People Say to Justify Staying in a Toxic Relationship

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You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one that ‘ s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and downs of a toxic relationship.

They tend to believe that this person is the love or their life and that because their sex life is so good and that there are moments of happiness so there must be hope, right?

More often than not, no, I am afraid.

So that you can understand the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, I have listed them below.

Perhaps if you can see that what you say is just an excuse, an excuse that EVERYONE trying to escape a toxic relationship says, you will find the awareness and strength to walk away for good

Here you are – 5 things people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

#1 – I know that my love can fix them.

This is the number one excuse that I hear from people who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet they can justify staying.

When we love someone, we want to see the best in them. Even if our person causes us pain, we want to believe that they aren ‘ t horrible people, that they are just damaged people who can be fixed. And, more often than not, we set out to fix them so that we can save the relationship.

I have a client who was carrying on an affair with a married man and, while she loved him, it was making her miserable. Why? Because she saw how damaged he was and she wanted to help him. She figured if she stayed, in spite of the fact that he was married, she could show him that her love could make him happy and that he would leave his wife to be with her.

So, she set out to do just that. He was an angry person and she worked with him to stay calm. He struggled in his career because of his insecurities and she encouraged him to have confidence in his abilities and bought him career books to inspire him to work smarter. She told him he was a great lover, even though he really wasn ‘ t, and she was always there for him.

And guess what – it didn ‘ t work. Not only did he not leave his wife but he never changed, no matter how hard she tried to fix him.

But she loved him and wanted to be in the relationship so she didn ‘ t give up and, as a result, she stayed, ever hopeful but constantly let down.

So, don ‘ t believe that, if you just love your person enough, things will change. The only way someone will change is if they want to. Don ‘ t kid yourself.

If the person in front of you is making you miserable, ask yourself if you can love THIS person forever, not the person you believe that they could be. And if you can ‘ t, it ‘ s time to move on.

#2 – Things were so good in the beginning.

The beginning of any relationship is wonderful.

We spend hours talking about things, connecting in a way that we believe that we have never connected before. We have sex every night, sometimes more than once. We walk around on clouds, believing that we have finally found THE ONE.

But, as relationships settle in, those feelings change. Even in a good relationship, those intense feelings that were felt at the beginning fade, to be replaced by something that feels good but isn ‘ t so intense.

When a relationship is one that isn ‘ t good for us, those wonderful intense feelings can turn into something else, usually somethings that cause pain.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who ignored her. Who took her for granted and rarely even saw her there. And, yet, in spite of the fact that this made her miserable and made her feel like a horrible person, she stayed. Why? Because he was so nice to her in the beginning and she believed that he could be nice to her again.

Unfortunately, this just wasn ‘ t possible. For him, those intense feelings that he felt in the beginning were gone, replaced by contempt and disrespect. He had no desire to go back to the way things were in the beginning so he didn ‘ t even try.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that things could possibly be the way they were in the beginning because they won ‘ t ever be that way again.

#3 – If I can change, we will be happy!

I can ‘ t tell you how many people I coach believe that a toxic relationship is their fault. And the reason that they believe that is, more often than not, because their partner tells them this is so.

As a result, my clients are paralyzed, thinking that if they could make change, if they could be prettier or smarter or more independent or more involved in their partner ‘ s hobbies, things would be good again.

And, so, they set out to try to be all those things. They twist themselves into pretzels, trying to be what their person wants them to be, but not necessarily who they are.

Does this ever work? If people turn into things that they are not so that their person will love them again, will their relationship be happy? The answer, I am afraid, is no.

Unless you want to change for YOU, any change that you make will be inauthentic and your partner will know. If you suddenly wear make-up or like bowling, your person will only disrespect you for changing yourself for them, even if they told you it ‘ s what they wanted.

People who ask you to change are only using the way you are to make excuses for their bad behavior – they don ‘ t really expect you to change. And, when you do, they only have more contempt.

Believing that you must change, not them, is something that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship. And change definitely can be good.

But, unless you want to make change for yourself, don ‘ t even try. Changing won ‘ t save your relationship – it might even make it worse.

#4 – I will be alone forever if I leave.

This is the most inaccurate thing that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship – that they will never love or be loved again.

We all want to be in a relationship more than anything and fear that if we walk away from this one, we will never love or be loved again. That this person is the one and only person for us and leaving them will doom us to a life alone.

I remember thinking this exact thing in high school – that if I broke up with my boyfriend I would never find another one. And, guess what, I did, just a few weeks later. I have had countless boyfriends since then.

Every one of my clients who find the strength to walk away from a toxic relationship has found someone else to love. It might have taken some time and perhaps some self-reflection but they do find someone. I know that for my client who was dating a married man, when she finally got the strength to leave him, the guy of her dreams came into her life. She never would have found him if she hadn ‘ t had the strength to leave.

It ‘ s those of us who stay who never find happiness in love. We stay, in an unhappy relationship, hoping that things will change. And they don ‘ t.

So, don ‘ t let the belief that you will never love or be loved again keep you in a relationship that is bad for you. If you can walk away from this one, someone who can love you better is out there, waiting.

#5 – I don ‘ t deserve any more than I have.

This is one of the saddest things that people say to justify staying a bad relationship. That they aren ‘ t worth any more than the person they are with. The person who treats them badly.

Unfortunately, people who are in relationships that are bad for them often feel really bad about themselves.

Weeks, months or years of being with someone who tears them down, who ignores them or treats them with contempt or fools around on them or belittles them, can cause even the strongest person to lose their self-esteem. As a result, they believe that this toxic relationship is all that they deserve.

Let me tell you that NO ONE, no one deserves to be mistreated in a relationship. We are all human beings in the world who deserve to be happy, who deserve to be loved and cared for. If your person only makes you feel bad about yourself, thinking that this is all that you deserve will only hold you back from finding the love that you want, to get yourself back and live your life fully!

I would encourage you to start spending time with people who love you – your family, your friends, your co-workers, people who will remind you that you do deserve better, that you are worth a lot in this world.

If you can start to see that you deserve better, you will find the strength to walk away from this toxic relationship and find the person of your dreams.

I really should write a book about the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

Every single client of mine thinks that their situation is unique, that their toxic relationship is like none other and that staying is all that they can do.

I hate to tell them but the reasons that they stay are the same reasons that other people stay in toxic relationships. In toxic relationships, the details might be different but the dynamics of the relationships are the same. And the reasons for staying are universal.

Many (most) people have a hard time being honest with themselves about many things, particularly about the state of their relationship. As a result, they waste good time on someone who treats them badly, time that they could be spending out in the world, finding their person.

So, if you believe that the problems in this relationship can be fixed by you loving them enough, if you believe that things can go back to the way that they were in the beginning and if you believe that you don ‘ t deserve any better, ask yourself if you are truly being honest with yourself.

Do you truly think that those things are true or do you know, on some level, that you are kidding yourself? That you are just scared to go, so you stay, justifying your behavior in whatever way you can.

It ‘ s time discard those justifications, to face what those lies are doing to your happiness, to push back on them and walk away.

Walk away towards of life full of love, self-respect and honesty.

You can do this! I promise!

5 Reasons to Stay Away from Someone Who Has Cheated Before

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There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before.

I am sure that the person you have met seems amazing, and they might even be so, but if they have cheated before it is a HUGE red flag, one that should not be ignored.

Of course, not everyone who has cheated will cheat again but knowing the reasons why staying away from someone who has cheated before will help you determine if you want to take the risk with this new relationship or walk away before you get hurt!

#1 – They might struggle with commitment.

Someone who has cheated before is someone who very well might be afraid of commitment.

Perhaps they have been hurt before. Perhaps their parents set a bad example. Perhaps they aren’t sure of themselves in the world and struggle in relationships. Perhaps they have trust issues.

Whatever the reason, many people who cheat have issues that make it very hard for them to commit to someone. As a result, once they start getting close to someone, they get scared and so they cheat. They cheat to push their person away before they need to commit to them.

I have a client who has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She so wants to be in a relationship but she just doesn’t know how to be in a healthy one. When someone gets too close and makes her feel vulnerable, she cheats. Once she cheats, she can leave the relationship and not have to put her happiness at risk.

My client does this, I believe, because she has abandonment issues from her dad leaving when she a child. She truly believes that any man she loves will leave her. As a result, when they start to get too close, she cheats. Instead of breaking up with them, she cheats so that they will break up with her.

Ironically, this pattern ultimately makes her feel more abandoned because, even though she strayed, ultimately those men do leave her. She is left in this cycle of pain that she can’t break.

She is working with me to let go of those patterns but she is someone who I would caution anyone about getting into a relationship with. She would agree with me there, at least for the time being while she does her work.

#2 – Cheating is a coping mechanism.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don’t necessarily think that is always true. Some who has cheated before might see the destruction that an affair can cause, to all parties, and, as a result, they might be resolved to never cheat again.

For some people, though, cheating is an escape from their life. Much like alcohol, cheaters use cheating as a coping mechanism for their unhappiness. And, once they start, they can’t stop. They get addicted to the way that they feel when they are in the highs of an affair. When they can step out of their miserable life and, for a few hours at least, be desired and have orgasms.

I have a friend who doesn’t mean to be a cheater but he just is. He meets someone, gets involved with them and he is happy. But then life gets in the way. He struggles at work, can’t get ahead on his bills, doesn’t see his kids enough and has a bad back. He no longer drinks so he doesn’t have that coping mechanism. As a result, to manage his pain and frustration, he cheats.

He loves being out on the prowl, finding someone he is interested, flirting and being flirted with. He loves to be desired and he loves the orgasms. After a night of this, he goes home, feeling somewhat less stressed out, at least until the next time.

So, if you are with someone who has cheated before, especially if it’s more than once, just know that cheating might be a coping mechanism for them, and not a healthy one at that!

#3 – They might have left over issues with their ex.

I have a client whose husband left her after having an affair.

He left her, moved in with this person and ultimately married them. They have been together now eight years and, try as they might, she and her husband just don’t get along.

She still has a lot of anger about how things went down. They weren’t happily married but she was hoping that they could work on things and, if they couldn’t fix things, they could agree to get divorced and life would go on. It didn’t work that way, however. He betrayed her and embarrassed her to the world with his affair.

As for him, I believe that he still struggles with the guilt of what he did. As a result, he is always angry with her. He won’t take responsibility for his behavior and it’s much easier to blame her, because she was a bad wife, she ignored him etc.

So, because of the affair, my client and her ex still have a contentious relationship, one that definitely interferes with both of their new relationships.

This, I believe, is a huge reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before to make sure that your relationship isn’t influence by negative outside energy that is the result of the infidelity.

#4 – They might have impulse control issues.

Another reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because they might have impulse control issues.

Many people say that having an affair is a choice. And, yes, I agree with this. For some people, however, it is harder to resist having an affair because they struggle with impulse control.

They might be the kind of person who drinks too much, who can’t eat ice cream, who spends hours glued to Netflix instead of getting their work done. They do want to do things differently but, because they struggle to control their behaviors, they just can’t.

People who cheat are often people who easily give into their impulses, impulses that can be very destructive. Even if they aren’t having an affair, someone who can’t control their drinking can seriously impact a relationship. Someone who can’t control their eating will damage their health. And someone who can’t stop watching TV could lose their job.

So, it’s not just resisting the impulse to cheat. Someone who has cheated before could very likely go down some other avenue with their impulses that could cause havoc in your relationship.

#5 – Because you might never trust them.

One of the most important reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because, knowing that they have cheated, it might be hard to ever trust them. And being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust will only lead to pain and self-doubt.

I have a client who got involved with someone who cheated. She told herself that he was such a good guy and that he would never do that again. As the relationship went on, she started to suspect that he might be doing so. She didn’t address it directly but instead snooped around for signs or proof that he might be doing so.

As time went on and she continued to believe that he was cheating, she started feeling worse and worse about herself. She told herself that if he was cheating, he must have found someone better than her. That wasn’t good enough for anyone. And that she really couldn’t blame him because she was such a loser.

Ironically, he wasn’t cheating but, because he had cheated before, when he started to pull away a bit, she went right down the to the dark side, believing that, because he had cheated before, he would cheat again. And down she went, into darkness and despair.

Because she didn’t trust him, she started to doubt herself. Ultimately the relationship ended and she was devastated.

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated.

Again, not everyone who has cheated cheats again but we want to be very careful before we go down the path of being with someone who waves a red flag like that one.

People who cheat might have problems with commitment and they might have impulse control issues. They might be a serial cheater who just can’t stop. They might have issues with their ex, which could interfere with the health of their relationship. And, without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you are going to take the risk and date someone who has cheated, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you have any concerns, tell them. Ask them to be honest with you. If you can talk about the past infidelity and address any signs that it might be happening again, you can stop it in its tracks before it causes more damage than it already has!

You can do this!

5 Things To Do If Your Ex Reaches Out To Not Harm Your Recovery

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I know that it can feel really good when your ex reaches out. I mean, they left you behind and here they are, wanting to be in contact again.

But, I can tell you that, when your ex reaches out, there are so many opportunities for things to go bad, even if it feels great at first.

Perhaps they beg for you back, only to leave you. Perhaps you have sex with them, only to have them disappear again. Perhaps they make you promises that they don’t keep, just like last time.

And you are left, right back where you started: broken hearted!

Luckily, there are things that you can do if your ex reaches out to not sabotage your recovery. Here are five of them!

#1 – Don’t engage. Period.

The number one most important thing to do if your ex reaches out is to not engage AT ALL.

That means no responding to see what they want. That means no responding so that you can finally get closure. That means no responding as friends. That means no responding even if they were the last person on earth.

Why? Because if we crack the door open even a little bit, our ex can push it open and place themselves squarely back in our life.

I have a client whose ex of four weeks texted her recently. Her ex was buzzed and saw some Instagram posts of her having fun and suddenly decided that he missed her and reached out.

And my client? She was thrilled, conflicted, intrigued and lonely. So, what did she do? She responded.

Two hours later she was at his house, seeking closure, and they ended up having sex. The next day he told her that, if they were going to get back together, they would have to take things slow. (RED FLAG alert!)

The day after that, he was only texting sporadically and soon making excuses for why they couldn’t get together. And my client? Left broken hearted, again!

So, don’t engage if your ex reaches out. Don’t let them back in. Period.

(Side note: I believe that closure is a myth. I believe that it is just an excuse to spend more time with your ex to see if you can talk them into staying. Think about it am I wrong?)

#2 – Take stock of why they are your ex.

Whenever my clients are going through a break up recovery, I encourage them to take stock of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. The red flags that they saw and ignored. The way their ex made them feel. The things their ex did that upset them. You know, those thousand little cuts that hurt every day.

Why? Because, after we break up with someone and we don’t feel those the thousand little cuts every day, we tend to forget what was wrong with the relationship, the things that were a part of it’s break-up..

By taking written stock of the things that were not okay, my clients have a tool to use when their exes reach out  a list of all of the things that made them miserable. This tool is so much more effective than the faulty memories of the good times, because that is just what they are  faulty and inaccurate.

With one of my exes, whenever he reached out I would go back to him. This happened for a full year and I was a shell of myself. One time I took the advice of someone who told me to make this list and, when he reached out, it worked! I remembered all of the things that made me miserable and I didn’t respond.

After a full year of not being able to break up with him, my list led me to keeping the door of our relationship firmly shut. I was finally able to move on.

#3 – Don’t drink and text.

If your ex reaches out, it is very likely that they have been drinking.

When we are drinking, our inhibitions are muted and we do things that we wouldn’t do when we are sober. We also can feel lonely or horny or bored or wistful. So, what do we do? We reach out to an ex, to see what will happen.

The same can happen if your ex reaches out to you. Even if you don’t respond at first and have your list at hand, once you have a drink or two, all of your resolve can vanish. Instead of staying strong, you can justify reaching out to them and then you do.

You think that you are reaching out as a friend.Or you respond with a list of all the ways they hurt you. Or you tell them how much fun you are having out in the world without them.

Whatever you do or say, none of it is coming from a sober place.

If you are going out with friends and there is going to be any amount of alcohol involved, I would encourage you to set up a safety net.

Perhaps you give your friend your phone or tell them you are feeling vulnerable and to not let you text, no matter what. Perhaps you change your ex’s name in your phone to Douchebag or Don’t Reach Out to this Person. Something that will give you pause before you send a text.

Luckily, there are also apps that will help you refrain from reaching out to your ex when you have been drinking. Here are a list of them. Use them!!!

#4 – Ride it out.

Ok, you are sitting on your coach, watching Friends, happy as can be (mostly). Then Ross kisses Rachel and you are suddenly stricken with loneliness, believing that you will never love or be loved again. And you want to fix it right now!

And what happens next? Your ex reaches out. You reach for the phone to respond, believing that it’s a sign that you don’t have to be alone.

And then? Only messiness.

I always encourage people, when their ex reaches out, to walk away from their phone for a few minutes. To get some ice cream, take a shower, go for a walk, find their list of why their ex sucks.

Why do I suggest that?

Because, more often than not, we respond to our ex, or even text our ex, on reflex. We are all programmed to respond to a text right away and, when an alert pops up on our phone, we reply, almost automatically.

If you can step away from your phone, do something while that initial need to respond passes, this will protect you, and your recovery, in a big way. Furthermore, if you can step away, you can take the time to think through what responding to your ex will mean for you and if it’s a good idea.

I do know that, with each minute that passes, you will be less inclined to respond. That initial hit of dopamine that you get from the text alert will pass, your heart rate will go down and you will be able think clearer.

So, ride out the initial reaction when your ex reaches out to you. Your recovery might depend on it!

#5 – Have a friend shut them down.

When I failed over and over and over to break up with my guy, I finally resorted to something I never wanted to do to have a friend shut them down. To have a friend tell them to go away.

This worked for two reasons

The first is that I had to tell my friend that the ex reached out. They then reminded me of all the reasons to stay away and pestered me to do so. Secondly, my friend texted them, in no uncertain terms, that they have no business reaching out and to pound sand, hard.

When an ex reaches out, we often hesitate to tell our family and friends. Why? Because we know that they won’t approve. They know all of the shitty things our ex did to us, things they aren’t going to forget anytime soon (even if we do). So, we hide it from them, embarrassed, determined to manage this on their own.

And that never works because we are too vulnerable.

By asking our friend to respond, we are being honest with them, including them in next steps and not going it alone. With this, our chances of sabotaging our recovery is greatly reduced.

So, there you go, five things to do if your ex reaches out to not harm your recovery.

I know that, more than anything, you want to respond to your ex. And I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you know that you shouldn’t do so.

First and foremost, don’t respond to them, don’t open the door. Remember why they are your ex and ask a friend to support you as far as managing this. Put your phone away when you are drinking and walk away from it if you are tempted to respond.

You have worked so hard to get to this healthy place. You have worked through so much pain and you have reached the other side. Do you really want to sabotage all of that hard work now and start fresh? Of course not.

You can do this! I promise!

Why They Check All the Boxes But You Just Aren’t Into Them

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Are you in a place where you are dating someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

Have you been searching for someone like the person you are dating and, now that you have found them, are you surprised that they just aren’t the person for you?

I am afraid that this is very common. We meet someone and we are so hopeful and then we just don’t feel it and we just don’t get it!

There are many reasons why they check all the boxes but you still aren’t into them. Knowing them will help you see clearly and let go when, and if, it’s the right thing to do.

#1- The boxes might not be yours.

If you find that they check all the boxes but that you just aren’t into them, it might very well be because the boxes are not your boxes.

For many of us, there are things that we think we should want. Things that our parents or our friends or society tell us that we should want and should have. And we think that, if other people want those things, we should too.

For example, our parents often want us to find someone who is emotionally stable, from a good family, well off financially, and someone who wants, or doesn’t want, to have children. Our friends want them to be tall, dark and handsome and society says that they must have a certain beauty level compared to ours.

And all of those things are well and good but are they things that WE really want?

I know that, for me, my parents wanted almost everything that I have listed above for me. Of course, they did they wanted to make sure I was well taken care of. And my friends were looking for people who were from the same east coast liberal arts schools as we were. As a result, those things were in my boxes although I really wasn’t sure I wanted them to be.

I wanted to find someone who was irreverent, smart, sarcastic, ambitious, appreciate of tequila and who didn’t want to settle down right away. I didn’t tell people that, however, because I was embarrassed to do so.

As a result, time after time, I would find people who could check all the right boxes, at least those of my family and friends, but, for me, just weren’t who I wanted.

But I tried, let me promise you. I tried to fit these square pegs into my round holes but each and every time it just led to heartbreak.

It was only once I was very clear with myself as to what was really in my boxes that I was able to find someone who could check them off when I found him.

That being said, after I got divorced, my boxes were TOTALLY different. It took me a while to figure that out but, when I did, I found the guy of my dreams.

So, take stock of what your boxes really are. Are they really what you are looking for or someone else’s idea of what you should have?

#2 – You aren’t ready.

When my ex-husband and I were on our honeymoon, I asked him how we found each other. He said that it was just a matter of timing. Romantic, no?

For many of us, we find someone who checks all the boxes, our boxes, but we just aren’t ready for them.

Perhaps we are in school and want to travel the world and even the most perfect person might hold us back. Or maybe our perfect person, the one who checks all the boxes, is right there in front of us but is ready to get married and have babies and we just aren’t!

I know that, when I was first divorced, I met someone who checked off all of my boxes but there was no way in the world that I was ready to be in a relationship. As a result, I found that I lost interest in him pretty quickly.

The initial spark that we felt wasn’t enough to keep me attached, to make me sacrifice the time that I knew I needed to take before I could be healthy again. I moved on quickly but have often wondered what things would have been like if the timing had been better.

So, how about you? Are you really ready to find someone who checks off all boxes and commit to them for the rest of your life? Are you ready to make sacrifices to be with someone, just because they are the person you think you should be with?

I can promise you that, in this world of millions of people, you will meet many people who will check off all of your boxes, not just this one. And maybe you will meet that person on the beaches of Santorini!

So, if you have a suitor, and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it could be because you just aren’t ready!

#3 – There is no chemistry.

One of the primary issues with on-line dating (which I 100% support as a means to meet people) is that we literally make a list of boxes and the dating algorithm helps us tick them off.

Therefore, when someone comes across our feed, they do so because they literally check all the boxes that we think are important, things that we believe are must haves.

You know what I mean. Their height, their age, where they live, what they do for a living, whether or not they have/want kids etc. All of those things are things we tick off as we build our dating profile.

However, what I discover often happens is that, even though someone we meet on-line might tick off all of our boxes, once we meet them, we find that there is no chemistry.

More than once, I had long, fun email and text exchanges with men I met online who checked off all the boxes. We would talk for days or weeks and I would be so excited to have met someone who was everything I wanted. And then I would meet them and there would be nothing. Zero chemistry. And I would be so disappointed.

And, more often than not, I did try to give that person a chance. They did have the qualities that I was searching for and I just didn’t feel it but I thought I should try anyway. And, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get there I couldn’t get that feeling that I needed to pursue the relationship further.

So, ask yourself – is there chemistry between you and this person who seems perfect on paper? If not, it could be why they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

#4 – One important box might be missing.

Ok, so let’s say that you have met someone who checks off the boxes, the timing is right and the chemistry is definitely there. Why, in spite of all of this, are you still not into them? It’s so frustrating because you really want to be.

Perhaps it’s because of the fact that one box is not checked. One box that, because it isn’t checked, overrides all the ones that are.

I met a guy online once who was perfect on paper. He was all of the things that I wanted except for two divorced and gainfully employed.

He was separated (although still living at home) and had recently been laid off from his job in the financial sector. He was confident that he would be working again soon but I had no idea.

In spite of my hesitations around these unchecked boxes, I started up a relationship but it quickly stalled out. I liked everything about him except the fact that he wasn’t divorced and spent his days job hunting I just couldn’t get past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past them.

So, ask yourself if your person has some, but not all, of your boxes checked. It could be that that one missing box is the thing that is holding you back from being into this person who you think you should be into.

#5 – You love someone else.

This week on Bachelor in Paradise, Victoria Fuller met someone who she swears checks all the boxes. He looks the part, is the right age, is financially secure and wants to get married and have children right away. Great!

The thing is, she also has another guy, Johnny, who she REALLY likes. And Johnny does not check off almost any of her boxes.

So, she is confused and not sure what to do next. It’s all anyone on the beach can talk about.

I believe that it is because she is attached to Johnny that, even though Alex checks ALL her boxes, she just isn’t that into him. Yes, Johnny is young, just getting started on his career and is looking for love but not marriage and babies quite yet, but she likes him. She really likes him.

He makes her laugh and he turns her on and she loves the time that they spend together. She likes the other guy too, he is a nice guy after all, but he doesn’t do that certain something to her that Johnny does. And, hence, the confusion.

I do think that it might be possible that, if Johnny wasn’t in the picture, Victoria would be able to lean into Alex in a positive way, one that might end in marriage and babies. But Johnny is in the picture and that changes everything for her.

So, if you have met someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it just might because you have someone else, someone who has that certain something that makes you feel great.

You must be reading this article because you are in this position, one where you have met someone and they check off all the boxes but you just aren’t into them. And I am sorry if this is true.

We all just want to have a healthy relationship and the person who checks off all the boxes is logically the person that we should be in one with. Right?

However, life, and love, just aren’t that straightforward. Love, and life, is messy.

So, ask yourself if your boxes are your boxes, if you are really ready for a healthy relationship, if the chemistry is there and if there are any boxes left unchecked.

Perhaps if you do so, you will have some clarity on what is happening and be able to decide next steps.

Remember Love is nowhere to make compromises. Hold out for what you really want and find the happiness you seek!

 

5 Signs You Are Addicted to Toxic Relationships

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Many of us are addicted to toxic relationships.

It might seem counterintuitive because all we want is a healthy one but many of us choose toxicity over and over and over.

I didn’t realize that, until I got in a healthy relationship, I was someone who was totally addicted to toxic relationships. I don’t know why exactly but I knew they were exciting and adrenaline producing and that kept things spicy, which I liked and was addicted to.

And this addiction kept me from finding happiness with another person.

Are you addicted to toxic relationships? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how to change it.

#1 – Red flags? What red flags?

Are you one of those people who sees red flag and who purposely ignores them?

Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex or struggling to keep a job or has a temper or tries to control you?

Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run?

Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?

When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone who he was engaged to had walked away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.

I saw those red flags and I ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.

It did not take long for our relationship to get toxic. We drank a lot together which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his friends pushed him away and that, when he was with people, he got loud and obnoxious, which made me crabby. He disappeared on Sundays, to this day, I do not know why, which made me not trust him. His job consumed him and the stress of it made him not fun to be with.

We fought and had sex and I hated him and loved him and broke up with him and got back together with him. I was completely addicted to the cycle and couldn’t get out.

Unfortunately, that addiction kept me from finding the relationship that I was really looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.

#2 – You are a relationship jumper.

Are you one of those people who does not stay in a relationship very long?

Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?

I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a life time.

And then, within a few months, something shifts. She gets bored. Things are too good. She starts creating problems where there shouldn’t be. She pulls back from them and starts acting passive aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy.

Does she walk away? No. She stays in this relationship, in spite of the troubles that she created, addicted to the toxic relationship in spite of herself.

My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it become one that is healthy and sticks.

#3 – You are a pushover.

Many people who are addicted to toxic relationships are pushovers.

You know what I mean the type of person who is low in self-esteem, who is willing to take endless amounts of shit from their partners in silence. The kind of person who lets their person walk all over them without any repercussions.

So, why are people who are pushovers most likely addicted to toxic relationships? Because, by letting their person abuse them and get away with it, they are choosing to stay no matter what the cost.

I was involved with a man once who used to take me for granted. He would call when he felt like it and disappear otherwise. When we were together, he was hot and cold. Sometimes he would be angry at me for no reason. I was constantly walking around on tip toe, trying to keep him from reacting to me in a negative way.

When things were good, they were GOOD. When they were bad, they were horrible.

I think that I was addicted to those good times. I didn’t want them to go away. And I was willing to put up with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff.

Much like a drinker who is willing to put up with the killer hangovers as long as he can have the booze he is addicted to, so was I willing to put up with whatever to get those moments of happiness that I craved.

#4 – You thrive on drama.

I am a Pisces and Pisces love, love, love drama. It is kind of confusing because we also just want peace but I guess we all have multiple sides to our personality.

Anyway, before I got into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.

I had a boyfriend who I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him but I couldn’t get used to actually being content in a good relationship.

So, I would create drama. One night, I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met up with a guy friend and decided to go on a midnight road trip with him. The night ended up with him in jail for running a toll booth and me having to explain to my boyfriend what had happened.

I had no intention of doing anything with this guy friend but, by making the choices that I did that night, I knew that I would inject a little drama into my relationship.

And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.

While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. To be honest, after a while, I found that I was addicted to it. If a day or two went by with no drama, I would make some.

So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who might just be addicted to toxic relationships.

#5 – The sex is amazing.

So, be honest. Does make up sex turn you on in a big way?

Do you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner but do you LOVE the make-up sex that you have after a fight?

Back when I was single I had the strangest proclivity. I loved to have sex with men as I was breaking up with them. I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I often had the best sex I had had with guys when I was breaking up with them.

Many of my clients who are in toxic, chaotic relationships, stay because the sex is great. They know that they shouldn’t be staying but they are worried that, if they leave, they will never know sex like this again. Many of them have never had sex this good in their life.

And why is the sex so good? Because, after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All of the chemicals that are coursing through your body heighten your senses and enhances the sexual experience.

Who doesn’t love sex that is amazing?

So, if you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break- up sex, you just might be someone who wants and needs a toxic relationship.

Now that you know the signs that you might just be addicted to a toxic relationship, are any of them ringing true?

Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean are the first step towards breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change.

People who are addicted to toxic relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill prepared for a healthy relationship. They believe that they aren’t worthy of true love and deserve to be abused.

I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example for what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced is was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into romantic relationships, I had no idea what to do.

What I know now is that, by staying in a toxic relationship with no future, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, by cheating, by being a pushover and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged.

Awareness of these patterns was key to me starting to make change.

You can do this too. You can break the pattern of your addictive behavior, escape from it and live happily ever after!

I promise!

5 Powerful Things Kids Learn When You Seek Help For Your Mental Health

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If you are struggling and thinking about reaching out to a medical professional but are hesitant to do so, perhaps knowing the powerful things kids learn when you seek help for your mental health might help you take that next step.

Recognizing that you might need help and then actually reaching out are very hard things to do. There is such a stigma around mental illness and around medication, and therapy to manage them, that reaching out can feel like a failure.

But reaching out for help with your mental health issues might not only make your life a better place but also improve the life of your kids!

Here are 5 powerful things your kids learn when you ask seek help for your mental health.

#1 – That asking for help is ok.

One lesson that we try to model for our kids over and over is that it’s ok to ask for help and that doing so isn’t a sign of weakness.

But asking for help is very hard to do, mostly because we all want to believe that we can do it ourselves.

Think about your kids learning to walk or ride a bike. Didn’t they want to do it themselves? And didn’t they fall down a lot?

How about your husband when he doesn’t ask for help getting his work project done so he isn’t home for dinner for a week?

How about you knowing that you can’t be in 5 places at once but trying to do so nonetheless and letting everyone down?

All of these examples are people believing that they can do things without help and having to deal with the consequences. By reaching out for help with your mental health, you are teaching your kids a very powerful lesson about how important getting help can be and what a difference it can make.

So, set a good example for your kids reach out to someone who can help you get healthy.

#2 – That honesty is important.

Another important lesson that we try to teach our kids is the importance of being honest, always, and that there can be serious consequences if we aren’t. And the consequences of not being honest about your mental health can be disastrous for the whole family!

Imagine what your kids learn when they see you struggling and not doing anything about it. When you are acting like you got this but you obviously haven’t. When they see you pretending that everything is ok but they know it is not. When they watch you lying to your family/friends/co-workers that everything is fine.

Having the strength to seek help for your mental health is a lesson in honesty that your kids will remember and admire. And they will see the positive consequences that will happen when you are honest with everyone, and with yourself!

#3 – That they are not to blame for your issues.

When my kids were 13 and 14, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had been struggling with my moods for many years and I didn’t really know why. I am sure that I couldn’t face the truth about it as much as I just didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, a breakdown forced me to reach out for help. I am glad I did because I got my diagnosis and I was able to start working towards living with it successfully.

When I told me kids about my diagnosis, my daughter said I am so glad that it wasn’t me making you sad for all of these years.Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, still.

My daughter honestly believed that all of my emotional struggles were her fault. I remember thinking the same thing when my mom was sad  that if I was good enough/smart enough/happy enough, I could fix her. Of course, I couldn’t, and I have spent much of my life wishing that I could have.

Now I know that my mom was struggling with anxiety and her unhappy marriage and that there was nothing that I could have done to fix that. If only we had been able to have a talk about what was going on, if she could have reached out to someone for help, maybe I wouldn’t have all the baggage that I do from a childhood caring for my mother, something that has had a significant effect on who I became as an adult.

Reaching out for help, and being able to put words to your feelings, will only help your kids understand so that they can lead happy lives, unburdened by their self-blame at their parent’s mood!

#4 – That mental health conditions are real.

I can’t tell you how many people I have encountered over the years who tell me that they don’t believe in mental health conditions. That people who struggle with depression, anxiety and more are just weaklings who have to suck it up.

In fact, many mental health issues are issues that are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is a proven fact, much like diabetes happens because one’s body can’t control the insulin production. People have no problem accepting diabetes but, for some reason, it is not the same with mental illness.

We call mental health issues the no casserole disease.If people are diagnosed with cancer, people bring food. If they are diagnosed with depression, people stay away, almost afraid that it will be contagious.

So, one important lesson that your kids will learn if you seek help for your mental health is that mental health conditions are a thing, much like diabetes, a health issue that affects millions of Americans every year. And, if they know this to be true, if and when the time comes that they must manage their own mental health, or that of a loved one, they will know that it is a real thing and something that can be dealt with!

#5 – That there is always hope.

I know that from where I sat, burdened by depression, I had no hope for the future. The likelihood that I would ever be happy again seemed impossible! And I am pretty sure that those feelings were contagious for my kids how could they not be when they were being displayed by their mother day in and day out for years?

But, once I reached out for help, everything changed. With help from my doctor, for the first time I had real hope for the future. For the first time I believed that I could be happy again. And, as I got better and started to believe again, my kids started to feel hopeful as well.

For years they had seen me sad and, in retrospect, I see now how it was affecting their lives. They both struggled with anxiety and my son clung to me in a way that wasn’t helping either one of us! Once I started getting better, my children’s anxiety was greatly lessened and my son was willing to let me out of his sight.

What a gift it was for me, and for them, that reaching out for help with my mental health was the thing that gave us all hope again. Because here we are today, all healthy and successful and connected by something that we all went through together but that their mom resolved for all of us by taking that big step.

There are many important things kids learn when you seek help with your mental health.

When you reach out for help, you are reinforcing those lessons of honesty and the importance of asking for help that you have been modeling the for years. You are also helping them see that what you have struggled with is a real medical issue and not something that is their fault. And, finally, you give them hope something we all need in this scary world.

So, take that step. Reach out for help managing your mental health. You, and your kids, will be glad that you did!

 

Why Being Unfaithful to Your Spouse is Being Unfaithful to Your Family

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Are you being unfaithful to your spouse? Have you crossed a line that you never thought that you would cross and having an affair?

Are you feeling incredibly guilty, knowing that you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing, even though it feels so great in the moment?

Are you devastated that you might hurt your spouse, the parent of your children?

I totally get that. No one wants to hurt the person they vowed to love forever or betray what they believe in.

Unfortunately, when a parent has an affair, it is not only the marriage that gets damaged but also the family unit. I know that you don’t think that this affair will affect your family but it will!

Here are 5 reasons why being unfaithful to your spouse is being unfaithful to your family.

#1 – You are breaking promises.

When a couple gets married, they do so in good faith. They commit to each other for life, promising to honor and cherish each other forever. And I don’t know one person who has entered into a marriage believing that they would do anything else.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, you are breaking a promise. A promise that you made in front of family and friends, one that laid the foundation for the family that you would build together.

And, now that you have broken that promise, you have damaged the very foundation on which that family was built.

For a family to be healthy and whole, its foundation needs to be strong. It needs to have two parents committed to its success, neither one of them sabotaging it in any way. By breaking your promise to your spouse, you have damaged that foundation, leaving your family a very shaky ground on which to stay healthy.

So, understand that, if you are unfaithful to your spouse, you are damaging the bedrock on which your family was built. As a result, the whole thing just might come tumbling down.

#2- You are lying.

A key part of good parenting is modeling good behaviors. We want our children to be good and kind and understanding and upright and we can teach them that but, really, the best way to help them learn is by modeling. By letting them see what goodness and kindness looks like, first hand, and showing them how to apply those things in the world.

A conscious parent knows this and tries to apply it to their family life. Someone who is cheating is someone who is not modeling good behavior because they are lying.

I am sure that you are thinking that no one in your family knows that you are cheating so no one in your family knows that you are lying. But I would push back against that. Children are very perceptive and, even if they don’t know that you are lying, per se, they do know that something is off. You can see evidence of that in the erratic behaviors of children whose parents are unhappy, or who are struggling at work or who have a drinking problem.

Furthermore, while your family might not know right now, they most likely will someday know about your affair and they will know that you were lying to them and that will only teach them that it’s okay to lie. I mean, if their parent did it, why wouldn’t they?

So, know that if you are being unfaithful to your spouse you are no longer modeling behavior that you would like your child to copy you are modeling behavior that will only be destructive for them in the long run.

#3 – You aren’t fully present.

I have a client who was having an affair. And that affair consumed her.

Outside of her affair, her life was mundane. She was a mother and a wife and a volunteer. She cooked and cleaned and carpooled and went for walks with her friends. BORING!

When she entered into an affair, her mundane life was no more. She was having intense conversations, she was wanted, she was desired, she was sexual, she was a woman again!

And all of this made it very hard for her to be present with her family.

She recalled one night when the four of them were having dinner. Her family had always had good conversations at dinner and she loved them. This night, however, she found herself totally disconnected from the family dinner, anxious to get to her phone to see if her lover had texted.

When she became aware of this, she was devastated. She wanted to be connected to her family but, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t.

At bedtime, her daughter asked her why she wasn’t talking at dinner. Was she ok? My client didn’t know what to do but she did know that her daughter had noticed and she knew that that wasn’t ok.

So, just know that, if you are having an affair, it is very likely that you aren’t as present as you might have been in the past and this might cause a fracture in your family, even if it’s just a small one. A small crack can spread very easily!

#4 – You are betraying their parent.

The long and short of it is is that you are having an affair and you are betraying your children’s parent. You are being disrespectful and dishonest, you are sharing intimacies and sexual experiences with someone other than your spouse.

And this is not okay for a child. Ever.

Again, your family might not know that you are having an affair but they will, someday. And when they learn the truth, they will know that you had so little respect for their parent that you were willing to lie and cheat.

And, while your spouse might ultimately forgive you, your children most likely never will. Or, if they do, it will always be in the back of their mind that their parent hurt their other parent and that it wasn’t ok.

My parents set a terrible example for my siblings and me. Both of them cheated, my father more than once. As a result, we never respected either of our parents. We knew that cheating wasn’t ok but it seemed to become normalized in our family. We never talked about it but it was something that we all knew, to some degree.

The sad thing about this is that all of us kids have had relationships that are plagued with infidelity. Because we never had the example of parents who didn’t betray each other, we didn’t really have a road map to navigate a healthy relationship. So, we cheated.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, know that your children will know someday that you betrayed their parent and, not only might they not ever forgive you but you could very well be modeling behavior that they will repeat as adults.

#5 – You are hating yourself.

A healthy parent is one who feels good about themselves. They believe that they are good people in the world, people who work hard to take care of their family. They respect the way they are in the world. They know that they make good choices to model to their family. They know that they are true to their convictions and that they are being the best person that they can be.

A person who is being unfaithful to their spouse is not someone who feels good about themselves. I have so many clients who have struggled with infidelity and, without exception, a big part of their struggle is the guilt and self-loathing they experience as a result of the infidelity. And that self-loathing carries over into their parenting.

Do you believe that your spouse or your kids don’t see your behavior and wonder what has happened? Do you believe that you are hiding your self-hatred from your mother or your friends? Do you believe that how you feel about yourself, good or bad, isn’t written all over your face?

You would be wrong if you thought any of those things.

So, if you are struggling with the self-hatred that is most usually the side effect of an affair, know that your family is being affected by it. They know the person you were before the affair and this stranger who now sits at the dinner table is a someone they don’t recognize.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, it is more likely than not that it is affecting your whole family.

The person who you were before the affair is mostly likely buried somewhere inside the shell of the person you are right now. This new person is a liar who betrays their spouse and breaks promises. This new person is no longer present at family get togethers. This person hates themselves and that self-hatred is reflected on who they are in the world.

As you struggle with the fact that you are having an affair, or considering getting into one, know that your affair will have far reaching consequences, consequences that you should consider as you take this next step.

After all, your family has always been your priority. Why should that change now?

5 Reasons You Should NEVER Give Up On Dating

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I know the idea that you should never give up on dating might seem exhausting to you.

So many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, tell me that they will never date again, that it is not worth the pain.

And I get it. The pain of a break up is intense. And dating is exhausting. And the whole thing just seems hopeless some days.

But I am here to tell you that you should NEVER give up on dating because, in the end, it will be worth it!

And here are 5 reasons why to inspire you to keep up the good fight and get the love that you want.

#1 – Would you give up on something else you really wanted?

When you want something, do you usually go for it?

If you see a piece of jewelry you love, do you save up for it? If you see a job listing that you want, do you update your killer resume and go for it? When you wanted to get your driver’s license more than anything, did you keep on taking the test, even after failing more than once?

Of course, you did. When you see something that you want, you go for it, no matter what the obstacles!

So, why would you give up on dating if love is what you want more than anything? I mean, how else are you going to find the love you seek?

I have a client who has wanted to be in a relationship for a long time. We have worked hard to get her out there; she was on the apps, went to meet ups, bugged friends for introductions. But, unfortunately, while she met some great guys, nothing stuck.

So, about 3 years ago, she gave up dating. She said that it just wasn’t worth it and that she was just going to be alone. And, guess what? She is still alone.

My client is not unhappy. She has chosen not to date and accepts that she most likely won’t find love, as a result. But she lives life to its fullest and she is content. And you can do that too.

Or, if love is what you seek, you can keep on dating, holding onto hope that you will find your person.

#2 – Every date is a new opportunity.

6 years ago, I met a guy on Match. He had lovely blue eyes and we clicked right away but we realized pretty quickly that we would be better off as friends.

This man has become one of my best friends. I would stay with him when I travelled to Vermont from New York City, we would go see disaster movies together and we helped each other through more than one horrid relationship.

I never would have met this man if not for Match and I am forever grateful, not only because he is one of my best friends but because, 3 years later, he introduced me to the love of my life who I am now living happily ever after with.

The point of my story is this Every single date that you go on is an opportunity to meet someone new, and with every new encounter, you open up your world just a little bit.

As with my friend, a date gave me a best friend. A client met someone who connected her with an amazing job. Another gained a whole new friend group in a city she had just moved to. One learned how to ski, something that she had never been brave enough to do on her own.

So, never give up on dating. Like me and my clients, even if you don’t have a romantic match with someone, they could be the person who opens up your world in a new way.

#3 – Dating is a numbers game.

I wish I didn’t have to include this one but it’s true. Dating really is a numbers game.

What do I mean by that? Dating is, like many things, something that one must do a lot of in order to succeed. You must meet as many men/women as you can to find the one who is for you. That needle in the haystack.

I know you are thinking that you DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. The idea of many dates is incredibly unappealing and you just want to sink into your couch.

But don’t. I probably went on 30 dates and had 6 8-week relationships between my divorce and when I met my boyfriend. Most of those dates were fun but I did not get anywhere. (Some of them not so much  like the guy who climbed up on a rock to kiss me, although still declaring that he was 6″ tall). And there were definitely times that I chose to stay home instead of going on a date that seemed like it had no promise but, more often than not, I put myself out there, hopeful. And I met a lot of great guys along the way, and had my fair share of great sex as well!

So, take a deep breath and up your dating game. Go on as many dates as you can without going insane.  At the very least, you might get an interesting few hours out of it and a story to tell your friends!

#4 – You want to keep the energy out there.

I have a lot of clients who want to meet the love of their life but they just can’t seem to make a concerted effort to do the work to find that person.

They list themselves on all the apps and then sit back and wait for people to find them. They stay home watching TV. They play hard to get with someone who expresses interest. And, guess what happens – they get nowhere.

Like difficult things that can be hard to acquire, love requires effort and attitude acknowleging that this is what you want and putting your energy into finding it.

Furthermore, if you carry with you the belief that you are never going to find your person, you won’t. Negativity doesn’t get you what you want, positivity does.

#5 – Because you want to find love.

Well, duh this is the most obvious reason to never give up on dating the fact that you want, more than anything, to find love. And giving up on dating will definitely put a damper on those dreams.

Sit here for a moment and feel what it would feel like if you never found the love you seek. If you were okay being alone but you felt the huge absence in your life of someone to share it with. If you didn’t get the wedding or the baby or whatever it is that you dream about when you think of love.

I am guessing it would feel pretty yucky, no?

So, if there is one reason to NEVER give up on dating, this is it!

If love is what you seek, do everything that you can to find it. And, whether we like it or not, dating is a part of the actions we must take to get the love we want.

So, there are 5 reasons why you should never stop dating. Good for you for reading this far about a topic that you would probably rather ignore.

I dated for a long time and it did get exhausting but I did figure out some things to do to make dating a little bit easier.

I learned to take each date individually, to recognize that it would be an opportunity for me to either meet someone new who I would never see again but who was entertaining (mostly) for a few hours or to meet someone who might be a friend or to meet someone I would have a short, but sweet (and sexy) relationship with.

Of course, I was often disappointed but I made the best of it and kept at it, believing that one day, my number would come up and I would find my guy.

And it did! And yours can too!

 

5 Things We See On TV That Sabotage a Healthy Relationship

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Every time I watch TV (which I do often) I think about all of the things we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship.

Of course, we all say we recognize that what we see on TV isn’t how the real world works but I know that many of us, myself included, secretly hope that it is. As a result, it is difficult for us to keep a healthy relationship healthy because of the example that TV sets for us.

When I express my concerns to my clients and friends, I am always surprised when they tell me that they don’t see what I see but, when I explain it, they totally get it.

To that end, I want to share with you 5 things that we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship so that you can try to shift your perspective and find the healthy relationship that you want.

#1 – Storming off.

I don’t know how many of you have watched Shonda Rhimes’s TV shows : Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. Full disclosure I have watched every episode of every one of these shows.

Anyway, Shonda Rhime’s is an amazing writer and the words she writes for her characters are very human and touching. Unfortunately, her characters are prone to stating their human and touching words and then walking away, leaving the person they delivered their monologue to looking confused/thoughtful/hopeful etc.

For a long time, I thought that this was the way to communicate in relationships. To say something smart and sassy and impressive and then turn on my heels and walk away, expecting my person to either follow me or have some epiphany because of my words of wisdom. Surprisingly, neither one of those things has ever happened!

Instead, giving a speech and then walking away only made two things happen my person never followed me, which made me feel unimportant, and making a declarative statement and then not sticking around for follow up discussion was unproductive.

What I have learned is that, instead of declarative statements, it is important that people have discussions around issues good or bad. It is the give and take of a discussion that settles issues and keep relationships healthy.

So, how about you? Are you a stalk away kind of person or do you stay and talk and work things out, one way or the other? If you are the former you might find that you sabotage your healthy relationship every time you do.

#2 – Quick resolutions.

Shonda Rhimes and other TV writers, have 50 minutes to cover the beginning, middle and end of a story. Because of the time limitations, issues have to be settled quickly.

In last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, at the beginning of the show, a new couple, Kai and Amelia, were lying in bed, basking in the aura of new love. By the end of the show, they were broken up. In the middle of the show, Kai witnessed, first hand, Amelia’s devotion to her kids. Kai didn’t want kids and, over the course of 45 minutes (or one evening in TV land) they decided to break up with Amelia. At minute 48 they did it, quickly and smoothly, and at minute 49 Amelia was left, heartbroken, only to be approached by her ex at minute 50 leaving us clambering for what happens next.

In reality, that story line wouldn’t happen so quickly. A new couple would have the time to get to know each other, would give each other space to bring family members into the relationship, discuss any issues that might arise and either work together to come up with a solution or end the relationship.

The disparity between resolution on TV versus real life can complicate a relationship. People expect for things to wrap up as quickly and as painlessly as they do on TV and they are disappointed, and worse, when they don’t.

So, recognize that our lives are lived in more than fifty minute increments. It’s ok to take your time before making a big move.

#3 – Unrealistic intimacy.

Sexual issues in relationships are an epidemic in this modern world.I believe that it is, at least partially, the result of ever-presence of porn and TV sex scenes.

Over the past 15 years or so, the depiction of sex on TV has shifted demonstrably. When I was younger, kisses were chaste and the act of sex implied. Now, on Prime Time TV, sex is explicit to some degree even soft porn. And while I am not judging this in and of itself, I do believe that this being some people’s primary exposure to sex sets them up for unrealistic expectations when it comes to sexual relationships.

I have a client who has very limited sexual experience and she has found that she is struggling with the sex in her new relationship. She doesn’t understand why it can feel so stilted sometimes, why she and her partner don’t connect like the people she sees on TV and why doesn’t she have an orgasm at the same time as her boyfriend, like her favorite character does every week?

These feelings have left her bereft and not sure if it is her issue or a problem in the relationship.

In reality, neither one of those things are true. What is in issue is her perceptions of what a sexual encounter should look like. That perception is interfering with her enjoying the sex that she has with her boyfriend for just what it is.

And sexual issues can sabotage a healthy relationship in a big way.

#4 – People will change.

Of course, people can change. Every day people do. But, I believe that change is incremental and driven by the person changing wanting to do so.

That kind of change is not what we see on TV. What we see on TV is transformation that just isn’t possible at least not in the real world.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients stay in toxic relationships because they believe that if they do, if they just love their person enough, that person will change for the better. Or if they stay, things will go back to the honeymoon stage that they had in the beginning. I mean, they say, it happens on TV all the time. The love of a good woman changes a damaged man and every one lives happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life this isn’t usually the way it works. In real life, a woman stays with a damaged man at the expense of her own health and wellbeing. She gives and gives and gives, loves deeply and ultimately just gets left heartbroken.

I am not saying that people can’t change. Of course they can. I just believe that we can’t make someone change. That in order for someone to change, they have to want to make the change. They have to take the steps. And we can’t take those steps for them.

So, while TV tells you to stick it out, waiting until they change, because they always do, know that doing so in real life might only end in heartbreak.

#5 – That love conquers all.

Oh, how I wish that this last one were true. That love is the cure to all that ails the world. Imagine what an amazing world we would have if love, indeed, was the fix.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we want it to be, love is not the thing that will change the world. And it is not the thing that will fix a relationship.

So many of my clients say If he loved me, he would make this one thing happen.Or if she loved me, she would change. I hear it all the time.

And I believe that, no matter how much someone loves someone, there are just things that people can’t do. A married man loves his lover but can’t leave his wife. A woman loves her husband but work just takes priority some nights. A man loves his wife but still feels bound to see his mother every Sunday, even if his wife doesn’t like it.

The list goes on and on.

My point is this Just because your person can’t do what you want them to do, it does not mean that they don’t love you. What it is means is that they are just a person in the world, a flawed person who is trying to do their best. They love you deeply but they aren’t perfect. And no amount of love is going to give them the strength to make a difficult choice or move.

Unfortunately, what we see on TV doesn’t support this notion. What we see on TV is the person making the ultimate sacrifice, giving up on the thing that they love most for their person. After all, if you don’t have love, you have nothing. Right?

As a life coach, I see every day how the things we see on TV can sabotage a healthy relationship and it breaks my heart.

Again, I watch a lot of TV and am not saying that we shouldn’t. All I am suggesting is that we take what we see with a grain of salt. That we enjoy our shows but know that what we see isn’t necessarily how things work in real life relationships.

Healthy communication, realistic expectations around sex, understanding that love doesn’t necessarily conquer all, and certainly not in fifty minute increments, are all the things that can keep a healthy relationship healthy.

So, go ahead, watch your shows. Enjoy them. I know that I am going to – with my boyfriend!

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