How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

/by

Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

5 Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust After Emotional Abuse

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” [7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” [8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. [9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. [2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. [9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

One of my clients finally escaped from a toxic relationship and was eager to get started on her healing. She found a space in her home that was her special place, a place that didn’t connect to her ex at. She used that space as a recovery area. When she was feeling sad, she retreated there and found some peace, or cried her eyes out. Once she started healing that was the place she went to help her blossom into the person she is now. Think about creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. [11]

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. [2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. [9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. [9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. [9][3][10]

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. [9][10]

#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters [12].

Some positive choices: taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, doing that thing you have always wanted to do. Some negative choices: stalking him, revisiting places that you had shared, constantly looking at his social media.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. [13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. [3]

Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” [4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Is it Love or Control? Key Differences That You Must Look Out For

/by

I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after?

The key is, I tell them, is whether or not their partner truly loves them or is really just trying to control them.

The most important thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Is There Open Communication and Clear Boundaries?

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: A Side-by-Side Comparison

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. [1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. [2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. [1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. [2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

/by

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

heal after heartbreak

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

/by

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

7 Ways to Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

/by

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

I wish I could say that boyfriends who break their promises are a rare thing but I am afraid that they are not. I have many, many clients who come to me, frustrated that they can’t trust their boyfriends to do what they say they are going to do and not sure what to do about it.

Of course, boyfriends don’t always repeatedly break their promises with malicious intent. Often times, they worry that they will let their girlfriends down and so, in the moment, make a promise that they know they won’t keep. Either way, though, they end up breaking their promises, disappointing their girlfriends, to say the least.

So, how do you deal with a boyfriend who keeps breaking his promises? Let me give you some suggestions.

#1 – Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

Many of my clients make excuses for why their boyfriend when they lie. Perhaps their boyfriend had to prioritize work and could not do what he said he would do. Perhaps he didn’t understand what he had promised. Perhaps you had asked too much of him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Whatever there reason for his behavior, don’t justify it away. No one, man or woman, should break their promises. If a girlfriend repeatedly broke their promises would you justify it away or would consider letting them go as a friend because they continue to let you down?

If you continue to justify his behavior, even as he continues to break his promises over and over, it will just lead to you feeling badly about yourself because you will believe, every time, that if he loved you he would keep his promises so he must not.

#2 – Stop believing that he is ever going to keep his promises.

Wishful thinking is something that can cause big time destruction in a relationship. In this case, the wishful thinking is that your boyfriend will stop his behavior out of nowhere, will start keeping all of his promises and your problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. If a man is in the habit of breaking promises over and over, and he gets away with it, he has no reason to change. He will continue to do what he does.

If you are going to continue to be in this relationship, it will be important for you to accept that he won’t ever keep his promises. Why? For two reasons.

The first is that you won’t feel let down. If you accept that the promises that he makes are empty, then you won’t feel let down when things don’t happen.

The second is that, if you accept that this behavior will be ongoing, you won’t ask him to make you any promises. You will just do what you have to do to get things done, leaving him on the sidelines to do his own thing.

I am not advocating accepting that he will always break his promises. Ultimately, you will find this unsustainable and painful but it is an option should you choose to stay in the relationship.

boyfriend repeatedly breaks his promises

#3 – Try to get him to talk about why he does what he does.

It is important that you and your boyfriend have a dialogue about why he breaks his promises. Doing so will calling him out on his behavior and also, perhaps, lead him to reflect on why he breaks his promises over and over.

I know that my husband often breaks his promises but he does so because he doesn’t want to let me down. For weeks he promised to cut up some fallen trees and for weeks he kept putting it off with excuses. Finally, I got mad and called him out on it. He said that he was concerned that the trees weren’t on our land and that is why he didn’t want to cut them up.

If he had only told me the truth when I first asked him to cut up the trees, I wouldn’t have had the expectation that he was going to do it, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and I wouldn’t have felt let down (a feeling that is not going away).

On the other hand, my ex-husband used to break his promises all the time. While sometimes he would keep his promises, more often than not he wouldn’t. More often than not he intended to keep his promises but was just incapable of doing it, for whatever reason. This repeated breaking of promises eroded our relationship to the point that he is now my ex-husband.

So, try to talk to your boyfriend about why he does what he does. Perhaps this will help you both understand what is happening so that you can work together to make change.

#4 – Don’t let him off the hook.

Many of my clients don’t call their boyfriends out on their broken promises. Perhaps at the beginning they did, but, as time goes on, they stop doing so.

They stop doing so because they feel like a nag when they do. They are so disappointed that they don’t want to have another fight. They don’t want to give their boyfriends a reason to leave. They blame themselves for what has happened.

For whatever reason, women often let their boyfriends off the hook when they are repeatedly breaking promises. Unfortunately, the only thing that this does is encourage their boyfriend to continue breaking promises as they know that there will be no consequences if they do.

#5 – Know that its not because he doesn’t love you (most likely).

So many of my clients believe that when their partner breaks their promises it is because they don’t love them. That their actions reflect their true feelings. And while this might in fact be the case, more often than not its not.

One of my client’s husbands had promised to stop on the way home from work to look at some new windows for their house. He had to work later than he thought and he just forgot. My client took this to mean that he didn’t love her – that if he loved her he would have done what he promised.

And, in this case, it just wasn’t true. He did love her, he just forgot to do what he promised and committed to doing it the next day.

Another client had a boyfriend who was consistently letting her down, promising to spend time with her and then making excuses why he couldn’t. While he didn’t break those promises because he didn’t love her, spending time with her was not a priority for him. Because she let him get away with it, he made no effort to change. And, because she continued to let him break his promises to her, eventually he just walked away because he didn’t respect that she was such a doormat and fell in love with someone who challenged him.

So know that, most often, men don’t break their promises as a reflection of their feelings. They do it because they can.

#6 – Get help.

Many people who perpetually break promises have some kind of internal mechanism that leads them to do it. Perhaps they were always lied to as a child and its all they know. Perhaps they struggle with self esteem issues and believe that their actions aren’t important. Perhaps they tend to sabotage relationships and breaking promises has always succeeded in the past.

Whatever the reason, if your boyfriend continues to break his promises and you want to stay in the relationship, if is essential that you have some kind of couples therapy, whether with a therapist or with a life coach.

Working together with a professional will help you understand why he breaks his promises and him understand the effect that it has on you. Once you have some clarity about what the broken promises do to your relationship, you can start developing tools for how to do things differently.

Perhaps when its time for him to make a promise the two of you work together to define whether or not he thinks he can succeed at it or would it perhaps be better for you to modify the promise to something that he can do. Perhaps you talk specifically about what the best way for him to keep his promise would look like. Perhaps he could be honest with you about his ability to carry off this particular promise.

Whatever the actions that you develop might be, doing things differently is the only way that you will be able to break the cycle.

#7 – Walk away.

This is an excellent option to choose if your boyfriend lies to you over and over and over.  Just walk away.

I know that this idea feels like a kick in the teeth but the reality is is this is most likely the best option for you to be happy.

After all, in spite of everything, your boyfriend breaks his promises.  You are in a relationship with someone you can’t trust or rely on. A relationship like this is one that will never survive. After all, a relationship dies without trust.

I know that the idea of walking away is scary as hell. After all, the idea of starting to date again is abhorrent and the possibility that you will never love or be loved again seems like a reality.

Yes, dating won’t be fun but you will love and be loved again and you won’t have to deal with the daily pain of being let down, pain that is most likely getting worse every day.

So, there you go, 7 ways to deal with a boyfriend who repeatedly breaks his promises.

I know that its easy to rationalize away the fact that your boyfriend breaks his promises. After all, we are all only human and humans make mistakes. And this is true.

But, the reality is is that someone who lies to you over and over, which is what breaking a promise really is, is someone it is hard to be in a healthy relationship with. It is essential that you don’t look away from the reality of your relationship and take conscious steps to deal with it.

Only by doing so will you get your happily ever after.

When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

/by

When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

I hate to say it but we have all been there – in a relationship that started out wonderfully, slowly fell apart and then ended. At least, we thought it had ended until our ex called…and then called again…and then called again. Confused, not quite sure where the relationship stands, we fall back into it, hopeful. And then our ex disappears again.

Sound familiar?

If your ex is coming and going, refusing to commit to the relationship but also refusing to let go, it can be almost as devastating at a break up. Instead of ripping the break up band aid off, causing tremendous pain, the band aid is ripped off excruciatingly slowly. Instead of being left devastated but healing, we are left confused and in pain.

It is essential that, if you want to save your sanity and let go of the pain, you must have a clear understanding of what is really happening in the relationship, not one that has been convoluted by your ex’s actions and empty promises.

How to get that clear understanding? By looking out for red flags that are signaling that your relationship is over. They are there – you just have to take notice.

What kind of red flags? Let me share.

#1 – He comes and goes.

Coming and going is the first, and should be brightest, red flag that a relationship is over.

Does your ex show up, sometimes for days or weeks, only to abruptly leave again? Does he avidly engage in text conversations and then disappear? Does he promise that he will be somewhere and then not show up? Does he disappear for days, turning up eventually with empty excuses?

If this is your guy, your relationship is definitely over. Any guy who wants to be in a relationship is someone who will show up. He will want to spend time with you. He will tell you where he is or where he is going. He won’t have to make up excuses for why he disappeared.

A guy who wants to fix a relationship that is broken will show up and work like hell to do so. If your guy isn’t fighting for you, he just isn’t that into you and only comes around when he is bored or horny.

#2 – He doesn’t let you see his phone.

People who are in a healthy relationship let each other see their phones. Of course, privacy is important but so is transparency in a relationship, especially one that is broken and efforts are seemingly being made to fix it.

Why is being allowed to see your ex’s phone important? Because it is a sign of trust, in both directions. Your ex is showing you that he has nothing to hide – that perhaps his efforts to win you back are meaningful. Your ex showing you his phone gives you peace of mind; piece of mind that he isn’t hiding anything from you and that you can trust him.

Don’t let your ex tell you that you should just trust him and that his phone is private. Those are the words of someone who can’t be trusted.

#3 – You catch him in lies.

This is something that happens over and over in relationships that should have ended but didn’t  – lies, both big ones and little ones. And, because we hope to save the relationship, we are willing to accept them without question.

Be honest with yourself –  have you caught your ex in a number of lies? In even one lie? Perhaps its a lie about where he was or who he was with. Perhaps its a lie about why he can’t do something with you. Perhaps it was a lie that he couldn’t afford to pay for something. Perhaps a lie about his life status. Perhaps it was just a lie about the color of the sky – a lie just for lying’s sake.

Catching your ex in a lie is a HUGE red flag that your relationship is over.

red flags relationship is over

#4 – He tells you he is “confused” and “thinking things over.”

If there is one thing that women are really good at it is thinking things over and processing things. We have done it our whole lives and we do it every day.

For men, unfortunately, processing things can be a lot more difficult. And, if they continue to use this as an excuse why they can’t commit to you one way or another, it is a huge red flag.

Now I am not saying that men don’t think things over – of course they do. They weigh the good and bads in a situation and consider what they think their next steps should be and then they take action. So they do process, but they tend to process quicker than women do because their thinking is more black and white.

So, if your ex continues to show up and have sex with you and then disappears for days at a time and uses the excuse that he is still mulling things over, I have to tell you that he just isn’t that into you and while he might not have acknowledged it yet, the relationship is over.

My 28 year old son has been telling me for years that if a guy is “thinking things over” and “confused” it really is code for they are ready to move on. Any guys who is really into a girl knows it and takes action.

#5 – You only ever have sex.

When your ex does reach out and you reconnect do you, more often than not, just have sex?

Sure there might be some food involved and perhaps some small talk but, more often than not, do you just end up in bed? And, unless you are doing something for him, does he tend to disappear pretty quickly after that?

I am afraid that if you and your ex are only having sex, its a huge red flag that your relationship is over.

For women, sex is about connection. When we have sex with our ex we are reconnecting with them, hoping that things might be different this time around. For men, sex is less about connection than about fulfilling a physical need. And, after their needs are met, they can easily move on, leaving their reconnected ex confused and devastated.

So, if you and your ex are only having sex, don’t look at it as a deep connection that only the two of you share but as a red flag that your relationship is most likely nothing more than a physical one.

#6 – Your gut tells you so.

I know, I know. This is a hard one. After all, when our heart is involved, its very hard to listen to our gut. I know – I have been there, more than once.

But it’s very, very important that you try very hard to listen to your gut right now. It is truly your best friend in this situation.

So, be honest with yourself – is one of the reasons that you are reading this article because you know, deep down, that your relationship is over. Is your heart hoping that your gut is wrong so you stay? If you try to ignore your heart for a moment, is your gut screaming “let go”?

The reason that we have a gut is to protect us from danger. It is something we use every day of our lives – when crossing the street, making a decision at work or planning our next steps. Unfortunately, because we want things to turn out differently than the direction that they are currently on, we ignore that danger signal and proceed even though there is risk.

Don’t let this be you! Listen to what your body is telling you.

#7 – He treats you inconsiderately.

When you were first in this relationship, did your ex treat you like a queen. Did they listen to you and show up for you and take care of you and treat you with respect? Is that part of the reason that you fell in love with him?

And, how does he treat you now? Does he listen to you and show up for you and treat you, consistently, with respect? Or has he stopped paying attention and being there for you, except when he needs something?

Be honest – do you see that he is treating you with disrespect but are you remembering the way that it was in the beginning and hoping that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were then, that he will start acting the way he did then.

Well, I am sorry to tell you that things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Even if you were in a healthy relationship, the beginning is just a phase in a relationship and it will never return once its over.

It is important that you know that, if you are going to be in a relationship with this person, you are going to be in a relationship with exactly how he behaving right now. He won’t change, unless he wants to.

#8 – He is vague about the future.

The beginning of relationship is such a wonderful time. Lots of late night chats, getting to know each other, and discussing the future. Such a hopeful time, full of love and excitement.

Have things changed? Are you no longer talking about the future? Is he vague about what is next for him and you both. When you bring it up does he change the subject? Do you hope that things will change?

I am afraid that, if your guy has stopped talking about the future, he is waving a big red flag. Even though in the beginning he might have had wonderful ideas, those wishful ideas are gone and hoping that they will return will be fruitless for you.

I am so sorry, but the future that you had planned together is one that only you are holding on to.

#9 – You have to initiate things, most of the time.

In the past few days, how many times have you had to initiate a conversation with your ex? How many times have you had to reach out to see how he is doing or if perhaps you might get together? Be honest – is it more than once?

Men who want to be with a woman will initiate things – period the end. A man who is no longer all in a relationship will certainly be willing to hang out and have sex but they won’t have the motivation needed to make it happen. They will be happy to let you take the lead but will most likely only respond when there is something in it for them.

So, take stock of how much you are doing the reaching out. He isn’t not initiating because he is “confused” or “thinking about things” but because he just isn’t that interested in you.

So, there you go – 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over.

I know that these red flags can be hard to see. After all, he wants the relationship to be over but keeps showing up in one form or another and refuses to let you go. But don’t take that to mean that you have a future together.

If these red flags are flying, its time for you to walk away and find someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

You can do it!

Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

/by

Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

If you  are reading this article I am guessing that you are thinking that you might be in a toxic relationship and wondering if it’s time to get out of it. Good for you!

I know that its hard for you to believe right now but you don’t deserve to be in a relationship where you are mistreated. No matter what anyone might tell you, you are a person in the world who should be treated with kindness and respect.

We are all just human beings, trying to be the best person that we can be be. And we are human beings who can make mistakes in the eyes of someone else. Sometimes we do or say things that might cause upset. Sometimes we make bad judgement calls. We might spend too much money or have too much to drink or forget to run an errand. We might forget to do something that we promised to do. We are just human – we make mistakes.

And, just because we might make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that we should be physically or mentally abused. Our mistakes might be met with frustration but they should never be met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming.

Furthermore, it is important that we understand that what we don’t want done unto ourselves we should not do unto others, no matter how much we are mistreated.

If you are reading this article, chances are that you have made a mistake or too in the eyes of your partner and you have been met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming. And, if this has been done to you over and over, you might believe that you are worthless and that you can’t do anything right and that you deserve nothing more than what you have.

Let me tell you – from someone who has been there – even if you do tend to do things that might self-sabotage or might upset someone else, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love and respect. Period. Try to hold on to this. Its important that you do.

So, how can you break this cycle of being berated and belittled for who you are and get out of the relationship and on with your life? Here are 9 things that you can do to get you on the path out of the relationship and on to living your life again.

#1 – Know that you are worthy.

First and foremost, in order to take this big step, you must truly grasp that you are worthy of being in a relationship that is a healthy one and that feeds you instead of debases you. I know that this won’t be easy to do but I encourage you to do it.

Try to get back in touch with the person you were before the relationship, the person you were before you were treated badly. Were you a person in the world with lots of friends. Did you have a job that you loved? Did you take care of your mental and physical health? I am guessing that, before you were driven down by this relationship, there were things bout yourself and your place in the world that you were proud of. Get back in touch with them.

Also, reach out to those who love you, your friends and family. If anyone can remind you how wonderful you are and remind you why you are lovable, its them. And, if you are open to being reminded and work to accept it, it will go a long way towards you believing that you are worthy of getting out of this toxic relationship and moving on.

#2 – Identify the symptoms.

An important part of breaking the cycle of your toxic relationship and getting out of it is to truly accept that your relationship is toxic. To that end, here are a few signs that your relationship is a toxic one and getting out of it is a good idea:

  1. You don’t feel good about yourself.
  2. You are willing to accept blame for everything.
  3. Your friends and family don’t like your partner.
  4. The relationship is impacting your life in negative ways.
  5. Nothing changes in spite of promises made.
  6. You spend lots of time looking up information on toxic relationships.

Take some time and consider whether even one of the symptoms above relates to your relationship. If even one does, perhaps you can accept that your relationship is a toxic one and get more clarity about whether its time to get out.

#3 – Consider why you are staying.

Many people just don’t understand how someone can stay in a toxic relationship. After all, everyone deserves to be treated well by someone who says that they love them.

But, people stay in toxic relationships for many reasons and understanding them might help you see why you stay and that perhaps its not for the love.

  1. Your parents were in a toxic relationship so its all you know.
  2. Your past relationships might have been toxic too so you think being mistreated is normal.
  3. You feel insecure about your place in the world.
  4. You have low self-esteem and don’t believe you deserve better.
  5. You believe that if you stay and love your person enough you can fix them.
  6. You are a hopeless romantic and believe that passion in any form is a happily ever after.
  7. You have a tendency to self sabotage.

Understanding that you might stay for reasons other than love is an excellent way to get clarity around whether or not you are capable of walking away from the relationship.

#4 – Be honest with someone who loves you.

A key part of being successful removing yourself from a toxic relationship is to get support and accountability. After all, we might tell ourselves that we want to get out but we rarely do so.

Having someone who loves you know about your plan to get out will accomplish two things. The first is that someone who loves you will emphasize the importance of getting out of a toxic relationship. They will support you in your decision to get it done and how to plan for next steps. The second thing that someone who loves you will do is to hold you accountable for actually following through and getting out. It’s easy to change our mind on something that only we know is a goal – having someone else know it as well and holds us accountable for getting it done makes not doing it harder.

#5 – Commit to doing it.

To successfully do anything difficult requires a level of commitment that can be very hard to follow through with. Its very easy to tell yourself that you will stop eating ice cream or watching so much TV or staying in a toxic relationship but follow through on doing those things can be very difficult.

It is very important that, if you truly want to break the cycle and get out of your toxic relationship you must be 100% committed to doing so. What you are going to do won’t be easy – if it was going to be easy you would have done it already. And, if you tell yourself that you will go and then you don’t, you will only feel worse about yourself which will make it harder to leave.

So, before you go down this road, ask yourself how committed you are to getting it done! If you aren’t quite ready pause until you are.

#6 – Accept that you are going to have to cut off contact.

For many people in toxic relationships, they are addicted to the relationship – to the person they are in the relationship with and the drama that is is part of it. I know it seems counterintuitive but it is one of the reasons that people stay.

So, it is going to be very important that you cut off all contact with your soon-to-be ex. Much like an alcoholic needing to stop drinking completely to start to heal, so must you cut off your ex so that you can do so as well.

Cutting off your ex means two things – going no contact and disconnecting with them on social media. You are going to have to block them and commit to not stalking them.

Many of my clients say that this feels “harsh” and that they don’t want to do it. The reality is is that my clients want to keep then door open in case their person comes back, committed to change. And what happens instead is that their person comes back and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

Furthermore, it is essential that you commit to not stalking your ex, to not going on social media to see how or what they are doing. If you do so, it will most likely make you miss them and you will reach out to them and, again, the whole cycle will start over.

#7 –  Set up boundaries.

It is essential that, if you are going to successfully break the cycle that you are in in this toxic relationship, you set up boundaries.

Examples of boundaries might be:

  1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
  2. No looking for closure.
  3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
  4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
  5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

  1. Not rehashing old wounds.
  2. Keeping contact business-like.
  3. Minimizing seeing each other in person.

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#8 – Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

Many people find themselves paralyzed when considering whether or not to walk away from a toxic relationship because they get too far ahead of themselves and it makes the whole thing too daunting to manage. It is essential that, if you are going to break the cycle, you must take the process day by day.

When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we are looking to an unknown future. We are thinking that we will never love or be loved again. That we will never again see our soon to be ex and that idea is inconceivable. We think that we will destroy our finances or hurt our children or ruin our prospects. We worry about things that we have no idea whether will occur or not.

So, for now, try to focus on what’s in front of you – walking away. You might need to worry about some of the things listed above but you also might not have to. It all depends what happens as you take each step.

#9 – Get professional help.

Our friends and family are great. Truly. They only want what is best for us. That being said, many friends and family bring their own stuff into their support of you, sometimes stuff that isn’t so helpful.

Perhaps your friend had a bad encounter with your relationship partner and has particular anger towards them that isn’t productive. Perhaps they have been through a similar situation that you are going through and believe that things should be done a certain way. Or, perhaps, they don’t think that you should be doing what you are doing and will try to talk you out of it.

A professional life coach (like me!) will help you take the steps you need to successfully get out of your toxic relationship if that is what is the right move for you. I always say that I am a friend without an agenda – I will support you but I won’t bring any of my own stuff into the process. I have helped hundreds of women like you get out of a toxic relationship and onto a life of love and happiness.

I know that the idea of professional help might be daunting but it is something that could make a big difference as far as you being successful moving on.

So, there you are – 9 things that you can do to break the cycle of your toxic relationship and move forward.

I know that you might not believe that you are worthy, or capable, of taking these steps and breaking free but you ARE. You are a person in the world who deserves to be loved and love in return, in a way that only feeds the positive in your life, not the negative.

You can do this!

 

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

/by

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

/by

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

I can’t tell you how often I see this – that a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let his girlfriend go. He breadcrumbs her and acts like a yo-yo and devastates every time.

I believe that, while the pain that one feels after a break up is horrible, the pain felt when someone breaks up with someone and still hangs around might be even worse. After all, the ex isn’t being allowed to get over the break up and move on and that is making it very difficult to deal with the pain and let it go.

What I can promise you, absolutely, is that the reason that he won’t let you go is NOT because he wants to be in a relationship with you – its something else entirely.

Perhaps if you understand why he won’t let you go, you might be able to be strong and walk away so that you can get your life back.

#1 – He needs his ego stroked.

If there is one thing that a man gets out of relationship its having his ego stroked. After all, he has found a girlfriend who loves him and takes care of him and has sex with him. A girlfriend he can parade around his boys and take home to his mother. Who wouldn’t love all those things?

The thing is, when a guy breaks up with someone, he no longer has someone there to stroke his ego. While he might be happier that he doesn’t have to do the things that he has to do in a relationship, he is definitely feeling the absence of not feeling loved and appreciated.

So, he reaches out to the most recent person who has done that. And, when you let him, when you stroke his ego when he comes back, then he will do it over and over again. That way, he can feel good again. And, the fact that you will stroke his ego even though he has broken up with you makes him feel even more powerful.

#2 – He misses being taken care of.

I have a client whose ex-boyfriend treats her terribly. He came home from work one night and told her that he wanted out and then left the next day. He gave her a few days and then he reached out again and asked if he could come over and visit the dog.

She was ecstatic. She cleaned the house and got all dressed up for him, thinking that maybe he wanted her back. And then what happened? He showed up with a pile of laundry and asked her to do it while he played with the dog. And she willingly did it because she loved taking care of him and thought that maybe if she did, he would love her again.

#3 – He is horny.

Oh – and – when my client’s ex boyfriend came over to play with the dog and have his laundry done, he also wanted to have sex with her, even though he had broken up with her just a few days earlier.

This is the #1 reason that men keep coming back to their ex-girlfriends even though they don’t want a relationship  – because of the sex. After all, if a man was in charge, he would have sex everyday. Not having a girlfriend gets in the way of that happening.

So, a man will come back, at least for a night, to have sex with his ex. Why doesn’t he get it elsewhere? Because with his ex-girlfriend he doesn’t have to work for it. He can just show up at her house, maybe even drunk after a night out with the boys, and she will be happy to accommodate.

Why? Because she is hoping that the reason he is there is because he knows that he really does want to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he doesn’t.

your boyfriend won't let you go

#4 -You keep reaching out to him.

Ugh – does this one resonate with you? Has he broken up with you but do you keep reaching out, hoping that he will change his mind? Perhaps because you miss him and just want to hear his voice or are looking for closure (which, BTW, is a myth).

This is something that is very common with my clients – that they are broken up with and they are determined to move on but they just can’t help reaching out to their ex, either texting or DMing or looking at their social media posts. Interestingly, the thing that most often brings people back together is a birthday or an anniversary – people feel compelled to reach out and they do and it starts the whole messy cycle all over again.

And, if you reach out, what is your guy going to do?  Come over and have you do his laundry and have sex with him. Things won’t work out differently and you will be devastated again.

#5 – He is lonely.

We all get lonely. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t go through the agony of dating sites and first dates and all the other things that come with finding love. And, for most people, loneliness is one of the scariest feelings that they can feel.

So, if a guy gets lonely he could fill the time with work or play or his friends or his family but, what will really scratch his loneliness itch, is going back to the person who makes him feel good about himself and will do all of the things that I have discussed so far.

And, because she is most likely lonely as well, she lets him come back.

Unfortunately, loneliness isn’t something that can be assuaged in one moment. We get the loneliness fix and we feel good for a while but then we go away and are alone and the feeling comes back, sometimes even worse. And so we reach out and the whole cycle happens over and over.

#6 – He is being wishy washy.

No one truly wants to break up. After all, we have been through the dating scene and found someone who fits us and we are hoping that this will be the one – that we will never have to go on another date. So, if feelings get lost and a break up must happen, it’s a very sad thing.

I know that for many of my clients, even though they know that breaking up with their person is the best thing that they can do, they hope that it will change. That if they just try, they will get their feelings back. So they return to their ex, over and over, hoping that things will change.

In my experience, this rarely happens. If a person has lost feelings, they don’t get them back unless something significant has changed. If someone has done their work or a situation that caused the break up has changed. Rarely does a man realize that he made a mistake and come back. And if that does happen, more often than not, the relationship will ultimately fail again.

So, if he yo-yos, making promises that he doesn’t keep, let him go. Don’t let him back in and make the break up even worse.

#7 – He doesn’t want to hurt you.

This is one of those things that I yell at my male clients about – that they don’t want to hurt their ex.

Of course, no one, especially men, wants to hurt someone, and a break up can be the worst pain of all, so they do whatever they can to not do it. And unfortunately, that often means dragging things out, hoping that maybe their girlfriend will break up with them and they won’t feel responsible for causing the pain.

And, to do so, they make their partner miserable. They gaslight them, making them think that there is something wrong with them. They give them crumbs of love hoping that their person will get sick of it and move on.

And, I tell my male clients, this only hurts their soon to be ex more. It’s like pulling off a bandaid slowly. While you don’t get that sudden burst of pain that comes with ripping one off, the prolonged effort of removing it will even more painful. Rip the Band Aid off, I tell my male clients. Unfortunately, its really, really hard for them to do so!

#8 – He is using you for something.

For many of my clients who have a guy coming and going, its because they are using them for something.

Sometimes its sex and love, as I have said before. But sometimes its something more tangible. Sometimes its something that they need to survive, like housing or money.

For many women in relationships, particularly ones where they feel like their guy is slipping away, they work hard to make their person feel comfortable. They lend them money or pay for things. Sometimes they let them stay with them without paying rent. They might even support their habits and hobbies, good or bad.

When a guy breaks up with someone, those things are gone and he might be left struggling. He has gotten used to being taken care of financially and the lack of money or housing is making his life more difficult. And so he returns, giving his ex just enough love to get her to give him some money or let him stay in the house.

I hope that this one is pretty obvious. That its not that your guy loves you that he is back – it’s because he needs you to be his sugar-mama.

#9 – You are letting him.

Ok, be honest with me. How easy are you making it for him to come and go?

When he reaches out, do you jump to doing whatever he wants, hoping things will be different? Do you act like you are cool with your more casual relationship? Do you pretend that you are satisfied with his bread crumbs, hoping that he will see how easy you are to be around and take you back?

I hate to say it but this is the number one reason that a guy won’t let someone go – because their person makes it easy for them.

So, its on you, girl. You are the only person who can stop this cycle and move on with your life. Only you!

So, there you go – 9 reasons your boyfriend won’t let eye go, even though he doesn’t want a relationship.

I know that what you are dealing with is painful – the ups and downs of feeling good when he is around and then devastated when he leaves again. You just aren’t recovering or moving on and its killing you.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.  You have it in you to let him go and move on with your life and find someone who can love you truly. They are out there. I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

/by

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin