Why Grieving the End of Your Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

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Are you reading this because you are wondering why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship and, perhaps, feeling like a loser because of it?

You should be overjoyed right? You just escaped a toxic relationship, after all that time suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself grieving.

I bet it ‘ s super confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I believe that understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a big step towards letting go of the pain and moving on. To that end, below are 5 reasons why you are experiencing grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to cope so that you can move forward and be happy.

#1 – You truly believed things were fixable.

So many of my clients tell me that they won ‘ t walk away from their abusive relationships because they aren ‘ t quitters.

They truly believe that if they just love their person enough, if they stand by their side in spite of abusive behaviors, that their person will change and they will be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of your breakup, and you are grieving because you weren ‘ t able to fix them, or the relationship. You might feel like you have let everyone down. You might even feel like you have abandoned your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you might have tried, your person wasn ‘ t fixable unless they wanted to be fixed. And you are probably grieving this fact – that you couldn ‘ t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you beyond sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. No one can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You didn’t fail. You couldn ‘ t have made any change alone, no matter how hard you tried to do so.

#2 – You blame yourself.

One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire his lover and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy again. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? That he isn’t lying to her but that she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, his gaslighting, she truly questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship was toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person was making your life difficult and, while you might have played a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#3 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, it ‘ s so hard when you are grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you believe that you will never be happy again. Right now, it just seems impossible. But I would also argue that a lot of your grieving comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are still grieving after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed about the break up but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they grieve.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard and that you REALLY don’t feel like doing it but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#4- You believed you were soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you shared with your person islike none other? That the intense passion and connection that you shared can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go is such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship, especially toxic relationships because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

I mean, how cansomeone who hurts you over and over be your soulmate? Really, how can they?

If you can accept that this person who abused you is not your soulmate (even if it felt that way in the beginning) then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.

I did.

#5- You have to let go of dreams for the future.

I have a client who was abused one time too many and made the decision to finally walk away.

For her, she saw her family die in that moment. She saw that the dreams she had of an intact family and grandchildren coming home and growing old with someone had been dashed, maybe forever.

And she believed she might be alone forever, that she would never love, or be loved, again.

One of the reasons you are still experiencing grief is because you are grieving the loss of those dreams for the future and that your new future is scary and murky.

What I can tell you, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship, that leaving this situation is the only way that your dreams for the future will come true. You will find love and happiness again. I promise!

Grieving the end of your toxic relationship is not only totally normal but it could be the best thing that could be happening to you right now.

Why? Because it means that you are moving forward.

Letting go of an abusive relationship comes in stages – much like death. Right now, you are grieving. And grieving is one of the 7 steps of getting past loss. The other are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, and acceptance/hope. I am betting that you are through some of those as well.

But I promise you that this grieving the end of your toxic relationship will pass. You will come to accept that the past is the past and look towards the future, a future filled with happiness and love.

5 Things to Never Ignore if You Want a Healthy Relationship

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Knowing what things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship is a key part of keeping your relationship in good health.

We so often see lists of all the things we need to do to keep our relationship happy but it ‘ s rare to see one that talks about the things that we might not see, the things that might be happening in our relationship right now, things that we might be ignoring that are taking us down a dangerous path.

I know that, when I was married, there were plenty of signs that I ignored, plenty of small signals that were there, ones that, if I had noticed them, would have showed me how unhappy my relationship truly was.

To that end, I ‘ m going to share with you now 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Knowing them will help you have a healthy relationship, one with staying power!

#1 – You have stopped talking to each other.

Think about it.

When was the last time your partner came home from work and you put down what you were doing and greeted them?

When was the last time you talked about something other than the children or work?

When was the last time you connected on any meaningful topic?

When was the last time you had pillow talk before you went to bed?

When was the last time you talked about an issue that really needed to be discussed instead of avoiding it?

Every healthy relationship ‘ ˜to do ‘ list talks about the importance of communication. And yes, it is so very important. But it ‘ s important to not just discuss the ‘ ˜issues ‘ but also to talk about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel connected, that makes you feel interested in each other. The stuff that has always made you laugh together.

If you notice that you guys are no longer talking to each other, if your conversations consist purely of talk about the kids and/or fighting, then it ‘ s definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#2 – You are kicking things down the road.

If there is one thing I regret more than anything else in my marriage, it ‘ s that I, we, kicked things down the road, we put off dealing with things that should have been addressed immediately.

I think we both knew that there were issues in our marriage but both of us hoped that, if we were patient and if life eventually got less crazy, we would be able to work through them. Because we believed that to be true, we tended to ignore our issues and focus on life and the kids. Over time, our issues got bigger because we didn ‘ t address them. And then, one day, they were just too big and our marriage ended.

You know when you have a work project or a homework project due and you work on it regularly so that you know you will be able to pass it in on time and get a good grade or positive feedback. You know what happens when you don ‘ t do that – when you procrastinate and get it done at the last minute? How does that work out? Not so great, I would imagine.

That was my marriage. We started out eager to work hard to be happy but, as time went on and things got harder, we started procrastinating, assuming that we would one day be able to get our project in on time, successfully.

We didn ‘ t.

#3 – You are making decisions on your own.

I remember very well when my daughter came home from her second week of high school and announced that she wanted to go to boarding school. We had just moved to Boulder and she was at her first public school and she hated it. More than anything.

She went upstairs, did research on boarding schools, and within an hour, found two that she was interested in attending.

Without even talking to my husband, I reached out to both of those schools to see if they might have availability for a last-minute entrant. One of them did. I made an appointment to visit that school over the weekend with my daughter.

I did all of this without checking with my husband.

By the time he got home, I had created a narrative that I shared with him, one where it seemed like I asked him his opinion about what he thought about our daughter going to boarding school, but, really, I knew the decision had already been made.

What should have happened is that my daughter sat down with both of her parents and we could have all talked through what she wanted to do and made a decision together. If we had done that, I believe that my husband and I, because we were sharing the decision making, would have stayed closer to each other instead of being driven further apart.

Instead, I took over and made the decision, leaving my husband, I am sure, not feeling like a part of a team. But he didn ‘ t say anything and I did the same thing over and over. And he did too.

Making decisions unilaterally is definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#4 – You aren ‘ t making each other a priority.

I know, I know. Life is crazy. There are children, and careers, and parents, and exercise, and TikTok, and Instagram, and TV. But there is also your relationship and it is important to make sure that it is taken into consideration, always.

What if I asked you where on that list above you would put your relationship. Would you put it first? Third? Fifth? Choose one and take note.

Now, think about how that looks in real life. Do you treat your partner like they are first, third or fifth or are they usually (or always) at the end of your list? Or perhaps you MEAN to make them first, third or fifth and other things get in the way.

Try to think about your relationship like you do your job. You have to go to work every day and focus on the job so that you can get it done and get it done well. Can you have the same perspective in your relationships? Can you remember that it ‘ s important to work on them every day, to get the job done well?

I would encourage you to make your relationship one of your top (if not your top) priorities and make sure that you stick to it.

You would be amazed at how many little hurts can be overcome if your person knows that you make them a priority every day and never put them last.

#5 – You have stopped touching each other.

When you were first together, did you and your partner regularly touch? Did you hug, put your arms around each other as you walked down the street, hold hands at the movies? Was touching a normal part of your day, one that felt as natural as could be?

Do you do that anymore?

For many people, the first thing that goes as couples become disconnected from each other is touching. It isn ‘ t because couples no longer care, but it ‘ s that they no longer have the inclination, or the time, to do so. And letting go of touch is letting of a big part of a romantic connection.

Touch is incredibly important in an intimate relationship. And not necessarily just sex – it ‘ s important to hold hands, to hug, to pat someone ‘ s butt as they walk by.

Touching your partner intimately sets that relationship apart from every other relationship in your life and being different makes that relationship special. If you continue to touch, if reaching for each other ‘ s hand is still the norm and not the exception, then your relationship will have an excellent chance of staying healthy.

So, there you go – 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

Remember, there are many lists out there of things you should do to have a healthy relationship but it ‘ s really important to know the things not to ignore NOW if you want to make sure that your relationship stays strong

If you have stopped communicating, if you aren ‘ t dealing with issues in a timely manner, if you are making plans on your own, if you put your partner at the end of your list and if you stop touching each other, these things are all signs that a healthy relationship could be in jeopardy.

I encourage you to take action right now, to not ignore these things and to work WITH YOUR PARTNER to keep your relationship healthy. One person in a relationship can not do all the work to keep it healthy. It is a team effort so make sure that you share this list with your partner so that you can work together to keep your relationship and healthy and happy one!

You can do it!

15 Inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes

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When you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, some ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ quotes might be just the thing to help you do so.

When you are wondering if you can let go of someone who is treating you badly, do you believe that the words of others might provide you the support and guidance that you need?

When you know that the words of someone who has been where you are now and come out the other side happier, stronger and clearer, will you be inspired to believe that the same could happen for you?

Let me share 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You” quotes so that you can find the strength to do what you know it is you need to do!

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‘Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.’- Ann Landers

‘Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we ‘ re settling for.’ – Mandy Hale

‘If you didn ‘ t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.’- Sarah Dessen

‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.’- Carl Jung

‘If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.’ – Michael Bassey Johnson

‘Let go of certainty. The opposite isn ‘ t uncertainty. It ‘ s openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose upsides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.’ – Tony Schwartz

‘Renew, release, let go. Yesterday ‘ s gone. There ‘ s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can ‘ t ‘ should ‘ ve ‘ done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Holding on is believing that there ‘ s only a past; letting go is knowing that there ‘ s a future.’ – Daphne Rose Kingma

‘Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don ‘ t care, but because they don ‘ t.’ – Anon

‘People don ‘ t care for you when you are alone. They just care for you when they are alone.’ – Anon

‘If you want to live, stop asking permission, do it now and regret later.”‘- Anon

‘A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting ‘ ¦If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.’ – Autumn Kohler

‘Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.’ – Dennisse Lisseth

‘I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.’ – James Baldwin

‘Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it ‘ s over and you ‘ re relieved.’ – John Green

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So there go you – 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes.

I am hoping that these quotes will help you to make the decision that you need to make, to help you manage the pain and to know that there is a light at the end of the rainbow.

Because there is. You just need to take that first step towards it!

You can do it!

 

 

5 Ways to Know When to Walk Away After Infidelity

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Knowing when to walk away after infidelity is very important.

The trauma of discovering infidelity is devastating and it leaves us with jumbled thoughts and no idea how to move forward. As a result, we often make choices that are not in our best interest, choices that can drag out recovery indefinitely.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity, keeping a lookout for signs that will let you know that it is time, is the key to making sure that the infidelity doesn ‘ t affect the rest of your life.

Here are five ways to know when to walk away after infidelity. Understanding them might help you take the steps forward that you need to take to get through this.

#1 – The cheater refuses to take ownership.

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, refused to take responsibility for what they did?

Do they tell you that it wasn ‘ t a big deal, that it happened once, that the sex wasn ‘ t very good and that you should just get over it?

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, blame you for what they did? Do they tell you that if you had only been nicer or had more sex with them or given them more freedom, they would never have cheated?

If a cheater isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of what they did, to own up to the fact that they violated the boundaries of your relationship and they caused you a tremendous amount of pain, it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

Someone who isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of the fact that they cheated is somebody who might very well cheat again. They don ‘ t believe that they were at fault and, consequently, they might see cheating as something that they can do again.

#2 – The cheater refuses to talk about what happened.

I am sure, now that you know about the affair, that you have a lot of questions about what happened.

You probably want to know why it happened, how it happened and all the nitty-gritty details so that you can wrap your mind around all of it. Perhaps you believe that if you only had more information, you could make sense of it all.

When you approach your partner to talk about the infidelity, do they shut you down? Do they refuse to talk about it and suggest that you act like it didn ‘ t happen and move on? Do they yell and scream when you try to ask questions, telling you that you are being stupid to even ask?

A key part of surviving infidelity is communication. It is important that your person is honest with you, that they are willing to talk about what happened. If you are wondering when to walk away after infidelity, this is definitely an indicator that it might be.

All of that being said, I would absolutely recommend that you don ‘ t ask too many questions. That you get some clarity about what is going on that brought you to this place but, I believe, that knowing too many details will ultimately be harmful.

One of my clients demanded that her husband show her all of the text messages between him and his lover. She regrets it. She saw things that she could never unsee, things that caused her substantially more pain and that stuck with her as they tried to work through this and beyond, after they got divorced.

So, keep that in mind going forward, especially if you want to work through this and maybe come out the other side intact.

#3 – The cheater isn ‘ t willing to make change.

A key part of surviving infidelity is recognizing the need for change.

The need for change in the relationship, the need for change of perspective, and the need for things to be different going forward.

To survive infidelity, it is important to take a look at the relationship and what is missing from it. It is important to discuss how to do things differently moving forward. It is important to define boundaries that you might need to process what has happened.

After I found out that my ex had cheated, I requested that we go to therapy. I wanted to work through what had happened. I wasn ‘ t sure I would be able to forgive him but I wanted to try. He said that he would go but only so ‘ ˜we could move on. ‘ He wasn ‘ t willing to make change – he wanted me to accept what had happened and move forward, like an ostrich, with my head in the sand.

I didn ‘ t forgive him. We didn’t ‘move on’ after his cheating. And his unwillingness to make change, to look at what we could do differently, to fight for our relationship, was a key sign for me of when to walk away after infidelity.

#4 – You can ‘ t rebound from the self-esteem hit.

Be honest. Since you learned your partner cheated, have you been really hard on yourself?

Are you blaming yourself for what happened? Are you feeling like an idiot for missing the signs? Do you question everything about yourself – your body, your hair, your eyes, your brain etc.?

This happens after we are cheated on. We feel less than in every way. I mean, why would someone cheat on us? It can only be because we aren ‘ t enough, correct?

I know that when I found out that my ex was cheating it threw me down into a darkness that I had never experienced before. Everything that I thought I knew about myself, I questioned. I was sure that I would never love or be loved again because I wasn ‘ t worthy. I was sure that I would never survive the pain of what had happened.

But, after a time, my self-esteem rebounded. I found pleasure in life again doing volunteer work and getting my real estate license. I started dating and discovered that I was, in fact, loveable. I recognized what had happened in my relationship and took full ownership of my role in it. I healed.

I do believe that, if I had stayed in the relationship after the infidelity, I never would have been able to strengthen my self-esteem. I believe that if I was reminded every day about what had happened, if I compromised my principles, I just would have sunk deeper into that dark place, reliving what had happened over and over again.

So, if you are finding that your self esteem is at rock bottom and not rebounding, then it might be time to walk away after infidelity. Your self-esteem is key to your happiness and if it stays in that dark place, you might never get it back.

#5 – Forgiveness is not an option.

Have all of the things above happened? Has your partner been willing to take ownership, have they been willing to talk about what happened, have they been willing to make change and is your self-esteem recovering?

And yet, in spite of this, are you finding it impossible to forgive your person for what happened and to move on?

I have a client whose wife was never able to forgive him for what happened, no matter how much he tried to work through it with her. And, while she refused to forgive him, she also refused to leave the marriage. As a result, they had 10 more years of misery together.

Imagine what would have happened if that wife had left the relationship because she couldn ‘ t forgive her person. If instead of re-injuring herself whenever she looked at him, instead of holding onto a grudge for ten years. If she had just walked away after infidelity, she might have had a chance to find love and happiness instead of withering away in an unhappy marriage.

If you are finding that you cannot forgive your person for what they did, then it ‘ s time to walk away after infidelity. Staying will only cause you more pain and prevent you from finding happiness.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity can be really hard to do. But it ‘ s very important part of moving on, either with your partner or alone.

The important things to watch out for is whether or not the cheater can take ownership, whether they ‘ re willing to communicate and whether they ‘ re willing to make change.

It ‘ s also important that you take accountability for where you are at. If your self-esteem is decimated and doesn ‘ t seem to be recovering, perhaps it is time to walk away so that you can do what you need to do to rebuild your self-confidence. Furthermore, if there is no way that you can forgive your person there is no point in condemning yourself, and your partner, to a life of misery.

Know that, if it is time to walk away after infidelity, it ‘ s OK. I know you feel like you will never be happy again and that you will never trust someone again but I can promise you that, with time, you will be able to find happiness and love and live happily ever after the way you ‘ ve always wanted to.

I promise!

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things to Do to Fill the Empty Space Left After a Break Up

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There is nothing worse than the empty space that is left after a break up.

For weeks, months, or years, you have had someone in your life, someone who shared the good times and the bad, someone who you went to the movies with, went out to dinner with, took home for holidays, etc.

That person, and the things that you did together, is now gone, leaving a wide open space that needs to be filled. Leaving it empty can be incredibly uncomfortable and cause a tremendous amount of pain.

So, what can you do to fill the empty space left after a break up? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Spend time with people who love you.

There ‘ s nothing better to fill the empty space left after a break up then spending time with people who love you.

For many of us, when we are in a relationship, we fill all of our empty space with our person. But, remember, there was a time when you didn ‘ t have this person in your life. Who was your favorite person to hang out with before your ex? Who made you laugh? Who was your partner in crime? Who always made you feel loved?

Pick up the phone and call that person right now! Make a plan with them to do something that you used to do that made you happy.

The lesson here is that there are many people in your life who you love and who can fill that space for you, maybe even better than your ex could!

#2 – Get a change in scenery.

I know for one of my clients, the first thing she does at the end of a relationship is to make a plan to get away from her everyday life.

Usually, it involves a short drive to visit a friend or a family member but sometimes she goes bigger. Once she even planned a trip to London. She had always wanted to go there and was given an opportunity to run a marathon.

Her relationship had just ended so she decided to go for it! And what happened? She kicked ass in the marathon and she met a lovely British man who helped her manage her broken heart.

So, if you need to fill that empty space left after your break up, I would encourage you to change the scenery.

Where would you go for a change? Even if it ‘ s just going to a friend ‘ s house for the night, or going to visit your parents or jumping on a train and going to see an old friend or booking a flight to the Caribbean, whatever you can do to get out of the space that you occupied with your ex, ASAP.

Doing something different, even if for a brief moment, will help you fill the empty space that is feeling so painful right now.

#3 – Rearrange things.

One of my personal favorites, of all the things that I recommend for people to do while they ‘ re getting through a break up, is to rearrange things.

One of the reasons that there is so much empty space in your life is because your space is the same as it always has been.

Do you walk into your home and see the empty space your ex used to fill? Do you come home at the end of the day, as usual, and feel their absence?

Do you go out for your regular Wednesday night Thai food and does it only make you feel lonely because you used to do it together?

Well then, it ‘ s time to shake things up.

When a client of mine went through her divorce, she decided that she was going to totally rearrange her space. She was in a lot of pain at the end of her marriage and she wanted to do something different.

So, she swapped her bedroom and her living room. She moved her bedroom into the space with the fireplace and decorated it with all the things that she loved the most. She purchased new furniture for her living room and created a space for herself to spend time knitting and watching TV.

Whenever she went to bed at the end of the night, she didn ‘ t do so with the ghost of her ex-husband next to her. It was almost like she had moved to a whole new house and that empty space did not feel so empty.

So, try changing up your space. It might give you a whole new lease on life.

#4 – Try something new.

A client of mine recently went through a terrible break up. She was blindsided and left broken and empty.

This is not the first time has happened to her. Like all of us, as she goes through the dating world, she has gotten her heart broken more than once.

Typically, what she does when she ‘ s heartbroken is she stays at home, feeling sorry for herself, googling articles to justify how she feels about how her ex behaved, eating ice cream, and generally feeling sorry for yourself.

She decided to do things differently this time. After spending the weekend with her mother, crying and getting love, she drove directly to a music store and bought herself a violin.

When she was younger, she played the violin. She was really good at it and it made her really happy. When she went off to college and started her career, the violin fell to the side. She wanted to bring it back.

So, she bought the violin and filled those empty spaces with the instrument that had always brought her such joy. She was able to re-familiarize herself with how to play and she was able to build her skill and and find true joy. It was far better for her than sitting in front of her computer, reading things that were making her depressed and eating food that was bad for her.

So, is there something that you have always wanted to do or something from your childhood that you could start doing again that would make you feel good?

I encourage you to think about this and to take the steps that you can take to try something new, something that you never shared with your ex, so that you get to know yourself again and not see yourself only as part of a pair.

#5 – Take my course!

I have created a course, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On, that I created especially to fill the void that has been left after a break up.

When we are left with empty space after a relationship ends, we are often left helpless and hopeless about what to do next. That empty space can be very debilitating.

In my course, you will find daily activities, things that you can do to help you fill that empty space in a healthy way so that you can move forward with your life.

The course is broken up into 4 weeks. The first week is about letting go of the pain. The second week is about rebuilding your self-esteem. The third week is about preparing to put yourself out there, either to date or just to live. And week four is about taking action with the goals you set.

This course is just the thing that you need to fill the empty space left after your break up, to rebuild your self-esteem, to get past the pain and to move on with your life.

Check it out here. It might just change your life.

Filling the empty space that is caused by a break up is an important part of getting through the pain and to come out the other side.

If you sit around at home, feeling sorry for yourself and not making any efforts to fill the space, you will never get past this break up.

I encourage you to get off the couch right now, to spend time with people who love you, to plan an excursion, to rearrange stuff in your life, to try something new, and to check out my new course.

I can promise you that, with time, this empty space will be completely filled with life and love. For now, take steps to deal with it so that you can heal and move forward!

You can do it!

5 Signs that Your Guy Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship

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Have you recently been thinking that perhaps your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

Did you go into this relationship with big hopes and dreams but are you seeing that your guy might not be on the same page?

When many of us start to think that our guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, we tend to ignore all the signs. We convince ourselves that our person does want to be with us and that we can keep them if we can just show them how much we love them.

Unfortunately, that never works.

It is very important that you don ‘ t ignore the red flags that indicate that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

You will waste a lot of time if you do.

Here are 5 signs that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship to not ignore so that you can get the life, and love, that you want!

#1 – He disappears.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that if a guy wants to be in a relationship, he will want to spend as much time with you as possible.

If your guy disappears, if he doesn ‘ t return your texts or your calls, if he makes excuses to not be with you, then your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

A client of mine started having sex with an old friend. He told her over and over and over that if he was going to be in a relationship, she ‘ s the one he would want to be in one with. She took that to believe that they were working towards building a relationship together because she really wanted one.

But what he was doing was talking the talk but not walking the walk. He would constantly be making excuses about why he couldn ‘ t come over to see her. He was in recovery and constantly told her that he was working with people at his recovery center, even when he had promised her that he would be with her. He would say that he was coming over later and then wouldn’t show. When he did show up, he let her take care of him but did nothing in return.

My client got increasingly upset. She knew deep down that he didn ‘ t want a relationship but she just couldn ‘ t accept it. Instead of doing so, she just dug herself in deeper, believing that if she just held on, he would change his mind.

It finally took her having a total breakdown, and for him to be direct about his not wanting to have a relationship with her, for her to see that she was wasting her time.

She walked away. It was hard for her to do so and it took a while but finally she did.

She has now met the love of her life and she ‘ s getting married in October.

#2 – He only wants to stay home.

A guy who wants to be in a relationship really likes to show off his woman. He is actually eager to get out there and share with the world that this is the person he has chosen, and who chose him!

If your person has taken to only wanting to stay home, to watch movies, to eat dinner and to go to sleep early, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want to be in a relationship.

By staying home with you, where he can be taken care of and have sex, your guy is able to maintain a semblance of a relationship to keep you happy without actually being in one.

So, if your guy no longer wants to take you out, to introduce you to his friends or his family, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want a relationship.

If you ‘ re seeing this, consider walking away. NOW!

#3 – You are feeling insecure.

From many of us, when red flags present themselves, we ignore them.

If we think our person is pulling away, instead of taking note and walking away from them, we tend to lean in even more. We are nicer, we take care of them, we go out of our way to be available for them, we give them more sex, we do whatever we can do, believing that if we just love them enough they will want to be in a relationship with us.

I know that when my ex-husband told me he wanted to divorce, I went out of my way to be the best wife that I could be. I would dress up for him when he got home at the end of the day. I had way more sex with him than I usually did. I tried to be kind and direct and open. He had told me he wanted a divorce, but I didn ‘ t want to believe him. I just believed that if I gave him enough, he would stay.

He didn ‘ t.

All of this left me feeling horrible about myself. I knew that I was giving more than I was receiving and that I was debasing myself by doing so. As time went on, it got worse and worse until finally, I left, feeling like a shell of myself.

So, if your person is making you feel insecure, then it ‘ s definitely a sign that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t make you a priority.

Be honest. Is your guy your number one priority? Do you put him above your friends, above your dog, above your family, above your work? (well, maybe not above your dog)

Of course, you do. He is the person you love.

But, let me ask you, does he do the same thing? Are you the most important thing in his life and does he regularly show you?

Think hard on this, because it ‘ s very important.

It is essential that, for two people to be in a healthy relationship, they make each other a priority. That they make an effort to put their relationship above all things, sometimes even above the kids.

Relationships are very hard and without constant effort, they can fall apart.

If your guy puts you after softball, work, friends, golf, etc., then he definitely does not want to be in a relationship.

People who want to be in a relationship act like they want to be in a relationship.

#5 – He tells you.

Has your guy told you, maybe over and over and over, that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

In spite of him saying this, does he keep coming and going, hanging out with you, having sex with you, letting you take care of him?

And are you telling yourself that you know that he really does want to be with you, because of his actions and in spite of his words? Well if you do, you are kidding yourself.

If someone tells you something directly, listen to them. If he ‘ s telling you he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, there is no amount of love that you can give him that will make him change his mind.

So, if he is being honest and direct with you, believe him! Don ‘ t believe that things will be different with you

I know the last thing in the world that you want to hear is it your guy doesn ‘ t want to relationship but it’s true.

At the beginning of relationships, we have such high hopes and dreams for the future. We believe that we might finally have found our person, and this makes us supremely happy. Letting go of that can very, very hard.

If he doesn ‘ t make you a priority, if he disappears, if he only wants to stay home and you are feeling insecure, it ‘ s very clear that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. And what I can promise you is that, if he ‘ s already made up his mind, there is nothing that you will be able to do to change it.

I would encourage you to walk away now! You want to find love and happiness so don ‘ t waste even one more minute on someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you.

I know walking away is scary. You are afraid of the pain and you are afraid of being alone forever. But I can promise you the only way you will be alone forever is if you try to get keep this man.

You can do this I promise.

Why Your Husband Won’t Divorce You, Even if You Are Both Miserable

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Are you wondering why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you are miserable?

I know it seems counterintuitive, because why would your husband want to stay in a relationship where you are both very unhappy, and yet he just won ‘ t leave. Enough to drive you crazy, yes?

There are many reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even if things are really bad. Knowing what they are will help you process them and, maybe, give you a new perspective about how to talk to him about a potential divorce.

Here are five reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you.

#1 – Finances.

For many men, the most important part of their marriage is taking care of their family and a big part of taking care of their family is the finances. Men work very hard to give their families the best life they can and getting divorced might very well make that more difficult.

If you and your partner get divorced, your finances might be severely damaged. Getting a divorce is expensive. Having two households is expensive. Paying alimony and child support is expensive.

I have a client who worked hard to get his family to a good place. They had a nice house, two new cars and they could travel. When his wife asked for a divorce, he froze up. All of the hard work that he had done would be undone. He wasn ‘ t sure if he could bear it.

The prospect of damaging his finances, and his family ‘ ˜s finances, might be a big reason why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how unhappy you are.

#2 – The kids.

For many men, they know the divorce means less time with their children. And that is scary for them.

They are used to coming home every night and seeing their children. If there is a custody agreement, that could mean that they won ‘ t see their children every day. Or perhaps not on holidays or birthdays. I am sure that you think about that too but men know that women usually get primary custody.

They also may be concerned that a divorce would create acrimony between the two of you which might turn their children against them. That could mean issues with the kids that didn ‘ t exist before.

They might also be concerned that their kids will struggle without them there. Or that you might get into a new relationship that might jeopardize their relationship with them.

Wouldn ‘ t thinking about all of those things make you pause before moving forward with a divorce?

#3 – The shame.

For many people, divorce is still not ok.

People make vows to each other on their wedding day to love and cherish each other forever. Divorce is breaking that vow. That might bring a lot of shame on your husband.

For many men, making a commitment is very important. Making a commitment in front of all their friends and family is very important. For them the idea of giving up on their marriage and getting divorced is incredibly shameful especially after making such a promise.

Furthermore, giving up on his marriage might mean dividing your social group, a social group that he enjoys. That social group might even judge him or talk about him.

The idea of those things can be very daunting and make men not want to take action.

The very idea of divorce can be very embarrassing for a lot of men. They see it as failure. And they don ‘ t want to be a failure in the eyes of the world.

So, if your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you were miserable, it very well could be because of the shame associated with it.

#4 – Denial.

For many men, facing emotions can be very difficult. While it ‘ s very easy for us women to process our emotions, it can be far more difficult for a man to do so. As a result, they might not see just how bad the marriage is.

Are you and your husband able to talk about your relationship? Does he seem to understand that there are issues? When you bring up the prospect of a separation or divorce, does he just shake his head and say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t know what you ‘ re talking about, we are fine ‘ ?

If this is your husband, you should try to understand that he is, most likely, in denial about the state of your relationship and that this could be why you he won ‘ t divorce you.

Additionally, many men say that they don ‘ t believe in divorce and therefore they won ‘ t get one. I always tell them that if they don ‘ t believe in divorce, they need to start believing in marriage. And believing in marriage means working on it.

Working on a marriage can be scary but they might consider it better than getting a divorce.

#5 – Extended family.

For many men, their extended family is very important.

Their extended family is the one who they spent their childhood with, who taught them everything they know. And who created their issues and their habits.

As a result, many men are very concerned about what their family would think of them if they got a divorce.

Perhaps their parents were never divorced and they want to be like them. Perhaps they are worried about the judgment of their siblings. Perhaps, his parents never liked you and he doesn ‘ t want to prove them right.

Also, know that your family could be a part of why he won ‘ t divorce you. I know when my ex-husband asked for a divorce my mother made it all about her.

He had asked her for permission to marry me and he had promised he would love me forever. When he left me, my mother was furious. She spent the next few months complaining about how much he had let her down. That wasn ‘ t helpful for me!

So, don ‘ t underestimate the effect that your extended families might be having on his decision whether or not to get a divorce. Because it could be a significant part of this.

I hope you now have an understanding of why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how miserable you are!

I do believe that, for many women, marriage is about love. Relationships are about love. But for many men relationships are about responsibility. They ‘ re about finances, the kids, their place in society, and their family. The prospect of losing love might not be as daunting to them as it is to you.

That being said, there are many men who do believe in love and who want love. Those men might be holding on to the marriage because they don ‘ t want to let go of the love, or at least the hope of the love.

So, know that, while many of the things I ‘ ve talked about are relevant, in reality he might not want to divorce you because he holds out hope for the future.

I would encourage you to think about these things and talk to him about them so that you can make a decision together about moving forward.

5 Signs You are Ready to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship

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Are you wondering if there are signs that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship?

Did it take you forever to get over the pain of your break up and are you hesitant to put yourself back out there again and be vulnerable?

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it can leave you destroyed and exhausted. The last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship with someone else, someone who might just hurt you all over again.

I believe, however, that taking a risk and stepping back into the dating world is a brave step and an important part of the healing process. Love and happiness are the goals and you are the only one who can reach that goal. But only when you are ready.

So, how can you tell when you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship? Here are 5 signs to help you decide.

#1 – You are no longer obsessed with your ex.

Ok, I don ‘ t mean to shut you down before we even start here. I am guessing that you are still thinking about your ex, especially as you consider getting back out there. Thinking about taking a risk, putting yourself back out there and starting all over again will naturally make you think of the relative security of your ex.

I say ‘ ˜relative ‘ – your relationship never really was secure, was it?

It is essential that, to be ready to date again after a toxic relationship, you have let go of your ex and the ‘ ˜security ‘ that that relationship provided for you. It ‘ s ok to still think about them, to some degree, but the obsession that you felt about them needs to have significantly subsided.

Why? Because as you start to meet new people, if you are still obsessed with your ex, you will only compare them to your date and shut yourself down right away. You most likely will only remember the good parts of your toxic relationship and you will seek those in a new person.

And that is a recipe for disaster because if you find someone like your ex, you will only be repeating history.

So, make sure that you have let go of your ex before you put your toe back into the dating pool.

#2 – You know why the relationship was toxic.

A key part of being ready to date after a toxic relationship is understanding what happened that made your relationship toxic.

A client of mine, after finally escaping a toxic relationship, couldn ‘ t let go of the belief that everything that was wrong in the relationship was all her fault. She believed that if she had only been more understanding, more sexual, more supportive, then her relationship would have flourished.

But the reality is that the toxicity was on both her and her partner. He was controlling and she let him. He was rough in bed and she shut down. He needed her unconditional support, and when he felt that she didn ‘ t give him enough, he was abusive.

After working with me, she came to see that the toxicity wasn ‘ t her fault but a combination of his abuse and her allowing him to abuse her.

Knowing this, knowing that she was a part of what happened but that it wasn ‘ t all her fault, made her more ready to let another person into her life. She knew that she could change her behaviors and reactions and that might save any future relationship from becoming toxic.

#3 – You have rebuilt your self-esteem.

When we get out of toxic relationships, we often feel really horrible about ourselves.

Days, weeks or years of abuse and gaslighting have led us to believe that we are ugly, that we aren ‘ t loveable, that we are worthless.

And the kind of person who believes those things about themselves will only attract other people who feel bad about themselves.

It is essential that, if you are struggling with low self-esteem, you do the work that you need to do to feel better about yourself. Spend time with people who love you, do the things that you have always wanted to do, don ‘ t obsess about the past but look to the future, take care of yourself.

If you feel good about yourself as you head back into the dating world, you will attract the kind of person who feels good about themselves as well.

#4 – You know you will not ignore red flags going forward.

Be honest. When your toxic relationship started, you saw a lot of red flags, didn ‘ t you?

Maybe he told you about toxicity with his ex? Maybe you saw how controlling she could be? Maybe you knew that he had no friends and was obsessed with you?

And, did you ignore those red flags? Did you believe that if you only loved your person enough you could fix them? Were you wrong?

Make sure that, going forward, you are willing to recognize red flags and act on them. Be prepared to walk away. Only by doing so can you find the kind of person who can give you the healthy relationship you seek.

#5 – You really, really want to date.

Dating is hard. Dating takes time and patience. Dating takes a willingness to make yourself vulnerable. If you want to date, you need to make sure that it is something that you really want to do.

Many people come to me, thinking that they are ready to put themselves back out there but they aren ‘ t, for whatever reason, willing to put in the time and energy necessary. They want to sit back and wait for people to come to them. They want to say yes to dates but then cancel. They just don ‘ t have their heart in it 100%. And, when they don ‘ t find their person, they get disheartened and shut down.

So, take a good hard look at yourself and see if you are really and truly ready to put yourself back out there. If you aren ‘ t, don ‘ t do it yet. You will only set yourself up for failure and that will only set your self-esteem back again.

Recognizing that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship is very important to doing so successfully, so that you can find the love you seek.

Make sure that you are longer thinking about your ex all the time. Take the time to look at what happened in the relationship so that you don ‘ t make the same mistakes again and be prepared to notice red flags. Rebuild your self-esteem and don ‘ t put yourself out there before you are ready.

If you can do these things, you will be ready to date again, primed to find the person who can make your dreams come true.

 

Don’t Let an Ex’s Infidelity Sabotage Your New Relationship!

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Have you started seeing the most amazing person but are you realizing that you are letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship?

Did learning that your ex cheated devastate you and leave you with residual PTSD and trust issues?

Struggling with past infidelity is common for people when they get into a new relationship after their old one is torn apart by an affair.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to get over the past and move on to find the happiness you seek.

#1 – Get help.

If your ex ‘ s infidelity is affecting your new relationship, then you most likely have trust issues. You don ‘ t believe that someone else wouldn ‘ t do to you what has been done before.

The best way to get rid of those trust issues is by talking to someone, either a therapist or a life coach. These professionals can help you process why those trust issues exist and help you with tools to manage them so that they don ‘ t control your life or destroy your new relationship.

If you aren ‘ t comfortable talking to someone, do some research online. There are lots of articles out there that will help you dig into your trust issues and teach you how to manage them.

What you shouldn ‘ t do is talk to your friends about these issues. Your friends were probably there for you when you were struggling and they might encourage you to be distrustful of a new person, especially if they too have been cheated on in the past.

Friends are great but they often bring their own stuff into a conversation and that won ‘ t help you get past those trust issues so that you can have thehealthy relationship you want.

#2 – Consider your role in the old relationship.

Infidelity doesn ‘ t happen in a void – there are two partners in every relationship and their issues are usually the result of both parties. I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex cheated but your relationship was fragile enough that your partner strayed, trying to find something that was missing.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetriedish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my relationships since then, I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take a look at your behaviors in your new relationship and make sure that you aren ‘ t repeating ancient history yourself.

#3 – Don ‘ t project old stuff on your new partner.

You have a new partner. They are a wonderful partner. You fell in love with them for a reason. They aren ‘ t your old partner.

One of the biggest challenges innew relationships is that we bring our baggage into it. The feelings about things that happened in the past come with us into that relationship and can wreak havoc when they do so.

If you have done some trust work outside of this relationship it will make it easier for you to recognize that this new person is someone who you can trust until they have shown you otherwise. They are not your old partner, this is not your old relationship and you aren ‘ t the same person you were before.

Even if you haven ‘ t gotten past your trust issues with your ex, you can work to recognize this – that your partner is not your ex and that you can love and trust themuntilthey do something that would make you question them.

#4 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

A key part of trusting someone is communication. If you have insecurities about your partners infidelity, it is important that you address them up front by talking about them.

It is important that your new person know that you have these trust issues, that you have suffered some trauma from the past infidelity. It is also important that they know that you will work to trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

If you suspect that they are doing something that makes them untrustworthy, it is important that you consider whether or not what you are perceiving they are doing is in your head or if there is tangible proof that what you suspect is true.

I have a client whose new partner is SURE that he is cheating on her with his old girlfriend. And how does he know that she thinks this? Because she is talking to their friends about it, not to him. He isn ‘ t cheating but, because she won ‘ t talk to him about it, she has this image in her head that he is cheating, one that might be snuffed out if she discussed it with him.

So, if you are struggling letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship, talk to your person. It will help you manage your fears and hopefully move youforward towards a healthier relationship.

#5 – Have hope.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe that, after all that you have been through, you could possibly have a healthy relationship. You have been cheated on, maybe repeatedly, which probably made your self-esteem plummet and to question who you are in the world.

Why, you think, would anyone ever love you again?

Don ‘ t let yourself believe that! Infidelity happens for a variety of reasons but none of them is because you are a bad person, because you are unloveable. Relationships are hard and they can end badly but that doesn ‘ t make you less than. That makes you human.

It is essential that you work to believe that you are worthy andloveableand amazing and that your new partner would be a fool to cheat on you. Talk to your friends and family, to people who love you, so that you can have a clearer picture of how wonderful you are and how lucky your new partner is to have you.

Because it ‘ s true – you do deserve to be happy!

Knowing how to not let an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship is the key to finding happiness.

If you can get some help managing your trust issues, if you can take stock of your role in your failed relationships, if you can push back on your comparing your new person to your ex, if you can communicate with them before issues occur and if you can believe that you deserve to be happy, your new relationship will flourish and you can live happily ever after.

I know that it might not be easy, but you can do it and you can be happy just like you deserve to be!

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