5 Surprising Signs That Your Relationship is Solid

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Are you looking to the universe to show you signs that your relationship is solid?

You are not alone! We all want to believe that the relationship we are in is solid that we have found OUR PERSON.

Unfortunately, we often fool ourselves into thinking that something that feels awesome ‘most of the time’ or where the sex is good or where things are great when they are great is a solid relationship, only to be disappointed when it ends in heartbreak like all of the others before.

Knowing the signs that your relationship is solid is the best way to stop fooling yourself and walk away from a relationship that isn’t any good or celebrating if it is and moving forward with confidence.

Here are 5 surprising signs that your relationship is solid so that you will know, once and for all, if you should stay or if you should go.

#1 – You can be yourself, always.

Be honest. How many times have you twisted yourself into a pretzel in a relationship, trying to be someone who you aren’t?

How many times have you tried to act chill when you are not really? Have you worn high heels when you are a flats kind of girl? How many times have you pretended to like music that you hate?

It is a huge sign that your relationship is solid when you don’t have to be anything other than the person you are. Why? Because, when you are in a solid relationship, your person will love you exactly the way you are.

When I first met my ex-husband I definitely wasn’t the real me. I tried to act chill when he couldn’t spend time with me, I started listening to music that he liked, I hung out with his friends even though they drove me nuts, and I never complained about his family. And then, once we got married, I started to be more true to myself. As a result, I wasn’t the person who he fell in love with and now we are divorced!

In my current relationship, I am all that I am – impatient, kind, caring, a lover of Broadway tunes, and someone who works ALL the time. My boyfriend is very different from me but he loves me for exactly who I am, my work obsessions and all.

So, if you feel like you can be yourself, always, it’s a big sign that your relationship is solid.

#2 – You are self-confident.

I have a client who I am on the phone with almost every day. She and her boyfriend generally text throughout the day, and on the days that the texting is intermittent, she is a mess.

She believes that if she doesn’t hear from him, he no longer likes her, even though they woke up together that morning. If she doesn’t hear from him, she starts feeling needy and unloved. If she doesn’t hear from him, she makes up stories in her head about how she is not worthy. And she refuses to ask him to stay in touch during the day because she doesn’t want to seem needy.

If you are in a solid relationship, you won’t ever feel that way. You won’t feel that you are less than if you don’t hear from your person for a few hours. And you won’t ever feel needy when you ask for what you want because you know that you deserve it.

What you will feel instead is the self-confidence that comes from being fully loved and supported. How amazing would that feel?

#3 – You feel safe and steady.

Did you wake up this morning feeling really good? Did you kiss your boyfriend as you headed out the door, happy and not worried about your relationship? Was your mind free to focus on what was in front of you instead of obsessing about something he said last night?

Or did you seek reassurance from your person that you would hear from them during the day, that you would spend the night together, that they really loved you, that they wanted to be with you forever?

Someone who is in a solid relationship will feel safe and steady. Instead of always being on edge because they are unsure if things are good, a person in a solid relationship feels safe and secure in it. While there might be occasional disagreements, they know that their person is there and that they have their back. That gives them the confidence to feel good about their relationship so that they can focus on other things!

#4 – You believe that you can accomplish anything.

One thing I have noticed over the course of my solid relationship is how powerful I feel. How I feel like I can take on the world. How I know that nothing will get in the way if I don’t let it.

Why? Because my boyfriend supports me 100%. And he tells me over and over and shows me by giving me the freedom to pursue my passions.

This has definitely not always happened in the past. I have been in relationships with men that made me feel unsteady. Relationships that were up and down and where I wasn’t always sure of my place in it. As a result, I didn’t believe in myself to the extent that I wanted to. While my life was good enough, I wasn’t living up to my true potential.

In retrospect, I know that I was strong enough to live up to my true potential on my own, but I didn’t know it. Being in a solid relationship has helped me to see that I am, to truly believe it, and to be successful.

#5 – You look to the future with hope.

Do you struggle every day with feelings of hopelessness? Do you look ahead to the next hour, day, week, month, or even year, with dread?

Do you dread the weekend because you aren’t sure if you are going to see him? Do you dread Christmas because your partner doesn’t like your family? Do you worry if you will be able to talk him into having kids?

Do you worry that this relationship won’t work out and do you believe that if it doesn’t, you will never love or be loved again?

If you feel this way, this is a sign that you don’t have a solid relationship. Someone in a solid relationship is someone who looks forward with hope. Who knows that the weekend will be amazing, even if you are just staying home. Who knows that you are on the same page as your partner about the future and that it feels good. And who knows that, no matter what, your relationship will prevail.

If you feel any sense of hopelessness or dread about the future, it is definitely a sign that you aren’t in a solid relationship and that it might be time to walk away.

So, now that I have shared the 5 surprising signs that you are in a solid relationship, do you have a better sense of what kind of relationship you are in?

It is very important to be honest with ourselves about the state of our relationship. It is so easy to ignore the red flags, to justify behaviors, to make excuses to keep your relationship intact. But if you do those things, you will only be wasting your time, hoping that your relationship can grow into something it’s not.

Furthermore, don’t kid yourself if you felt the things that I listed above at the beginning of the relationship but not so much now. It is not unusual to feel that way in the beginning but if things change as the relationship evolves, don’t try to kid yourself that things can be that way again. Things never go back to the way they were in the beginning. Sorry.

I always tell my clients that it’s important that they love the person who is right there in front of them, not the person they were or the person they could be. If the person right there in front of you is all the things I wrote about above, then you are in the solid relationship that you have always sought.

Well done!

 

How to Forgive Yourself after an Affair – Even if it Seems Unlikely

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I know that it is probably inconceivable to you that you could forgive yourself after an affair.

I mean, you have gone against everything you thought you knew about yourself and you are, most likely, stuck in this place of self-loathing.

What I can tell you is that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair, that there will come a time when you will be able to hold your head up high and trust yourself again. You just need to take some action steps to get there.

Here are 5 ways to forgive yourself after an affair. You can do it!

#1 – Have compassion for yourself.

I am guessing that you probably hate yourself right now. You have let yourself, and everyone you know, down and it’s something that you never would have expected of yourself.

I am also guessing that you believe that you are stupid and weak and immoral and friendless and you are feeling embarrassed and angry and sad and overwhelmed.

And all of those things are natural. They are the things that we think and feel when we have let ourselves, and those around us, down.

But I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. After all, you are only human!

I had a client who was absolutely destroyed that she had had an affair. Both of her parents cheated, and she never thought that she would do the same. But she did.

What we came to realize as we talked about it was that she had been really struggling. Her mother just died, her kids were teenagers, the finances were tight. And, as a result, she was vulnerable to doing something self-destructive to mask the way she was feeling. Usually, she used ice cream or wine to self-soothe but this time it was different. This time it was a man and an affair.

This is not to say that she dove right into the affair. She and this man were friends. They confided in each other. She could explain to him what she was struggling with in a way that she couldn’t explain it to her husband. She felt safe with him. She trusted him.

She barely even noticed that she was developing feelings for him until one day, out of the blue, he kissed her. Before you knew it, they were on the slippery slope down to infidelity.

Why I am telling you her story is this – my client never set out to have an affair. She was in a really dark place, vulnerable, and she opened herself up to someone else for comfort. She was not an evil person – she was a person in the world, a vulnerable person who made a mistake.

Having compassion for yourself is not justifying your cheating but, rather, it is a way for you to forgive yourself after an affair. If you can understand that you are only human, that you were in a place where you needed something to help you cope, and that you never set out to be unfaithful, then you will be well on your way to forgiving yourself.

#2 – Commit to walking away.

I know that for most of my clients who are having an affair, walking away is the hardest thing to do.

‘But I love him,’ they say. ‘How can I live without him?’

Because they believe that their affair partner is the only person who can make them happy, they can’t walk away. As a result, they just continue this cycle of letting themselves down which, in turn, only leads to more self-hatred.

I truly believe that the reason it’s so hard to walk away from an affair is not because of your affair partner but because of the person you are when you are with them.

Think about it. Think about who you are in real life. Are you a mother, a brother, an employee, a chauffeur? Do you volunteer and work long hours and struggle with finances and have no sex life? Has it been years since you have really felt like yourself?

When people have affairs, they suddenly become re-acquainted with the person they used to be. They feel happy, hopeful, sexy, beautiful, wanted, special. And that is what is so hard to walk away from – being that person again.

So, I encourage you to, if you want to forgive yourself after an affair, walk away from your person. I know that you think that you can’t live without that person, but consider trying to love yourself – to stay in touch with the person you were in the affair when you are out of it.

If you can be the person who you want to be in life, you won’t need something else that isn’t good for you. Something that alternately makes you feel good about yourself for a few minutes and then filled with self-hatred a few minutes later!

#3 – Dig into the source.

As I said before, many people who have an affair are people who are in a rough spot. People who were struggling with issues before the affair even started.

One of my clients was in a really tough spot. She was depressed, lonely, lost and unsure what to do about it. It seemed that, no matter what she tried, she couldn’t get out of this spot. We tried working together to get through this but then she disappeared.

By the time she reappeared, she was having an affair. She had embarked on one when we were still talking but she had stopped coming because she was in this affair and it was making her feel good about herself, feel loved and feel connected again. She figured she didn’t need me anymore.

But then she came back. Why? Because her affair no longer made her feel that way. Instead, her affair has started to make her feel even worse.

Why is it that you got into your affair? I am guessing that it’s not something that you set out to do but something that happened over time, something that you thought you could manage.

It is important to identify what you are struggling with, what might have been the thing that made you vulnerable to infidelity.

For my client, she had just returned from living overseas and she was struggling with re-entry. She felt like she no longer fit in with her community and she felt lonely and lost. I explained to her that, in order to forgive yourself after an affair, it is essential that you take a good hard look at where you were in the world that would allow you to go someplace that you never thought you would go.

So, what are you struggling with that might have made you vulnerable to infidelity? Think about it. Seek to get help to work on it. If you can soothe yourself, instead of looking to your affair partner to do so, you will be way more likely to forgive yourself after an affair!

#4 – Be honest.

Part of forgiving yourself after an affair is starting to like yourself again. Starting to act like the person you want to be in the world. A person who people can respect. Not the person you are now that you are in an affair.

So, how can you do that if you aren’t honest with yourself and your partner? If you can’t take ownership of what has happened and the hurt that you have caused?

I have a client whose husband had an affair. It had happened a while back but they had never been able to work through it because he refuses to talk about it. She so wants to, so that she can understand what happened but he just won’t get into it.

And, what has happened as a result? Their marriage is actually getting worse and not better because every time he isn’t honest with his wife he knows that he is letting her down. He knows that by acting like the affair wasn’t a big deal he is only hurting his wife more. And that definitely isn’t helping him forgive himself.

So, be honest with yourself and with those around you about your affair. It is important that you all have the space and time to process what has happened so that you can work through it and so that you can forgive yourself and maybe even be forgiven!

#5 – Give it time.

The old saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ is an accurate one. While the pain of the fact that you had an affair might always be with you, over time the pain will dull and you will be able to go on with your life.

That being said, you can’t just sit there and wait for time to pass. It is important that you do the work that you need to do to work through what has happened and why you had an affair. It is essential that you are honest with yourself and with others about the affair and its aftermath. It is important that you work to get in touch with the person you were before the affair, before the struggles started. The person who you looked at in the mirror and liked.

If you can do these things, if you can do things that make you feel good about yourself and strong and capable and not vulnerable to things that aren’t good for you, then time will truly heal all wounds.

As you continue to be the person you want to be, to get stronger, to own up to your mistakes, you will find that forgiving yourself after an affair is possible.

I hope that now you know that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair.

Getting to that place of forgiveness is all on you, though. You have to do the hard work. This guilt won’t just pass.

But, if you have read this far, I am guessing that you are determined to make change, to do what you need to do, to move forward and forgive yourself.

You can do it!

5 Ways His Mother Can Poison Your Relationship (Even if She Doesn’t Mean To)

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine said to me: Just so you know, there are ways that his mother can poison your relationship even if she doesn’t mean to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us.Boy, was I wrong.

Mother in laws aren’t inherently evil and have developed a bad rap. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship and some things that you can do to stop that poison in its tracks before it kills.

#1 – She has always done things just so.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother always did things just so.Christmas Eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat everything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex husband’s life, my mother in law did things just so,” but her just so” didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our relationship.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on; he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mom’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mom’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do just so and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2 – They go way back.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAAAAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how his mother can poison your relationship, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your relationship, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – He might have conflicted allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but one of their strong points is not managing conflict between women. Remember, women spend every minute of every day of their life processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So ,what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion.Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all  that’s what couples do.

#4 – You might be jealous.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, rearranging your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like dating a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart  there is lots of room in there for all of you,” even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that his mother can poison your relationship actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her. And tell yourself that, or, even worse, telling him, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can lovely you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends. Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause they really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way his mother can poison your relationship is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then being getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your partner’s mother are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into account. Just because you are now (somewhat) related doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your best friend; you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship, even if she does not mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship of two women who love the same man mother,”son, or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part of this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your partner’s mother poison your relationship. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

Why It’s Hard to Break Up with Someone Even if You Don’t Love Them

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Are you completely flummoxed about why it’s hard to break up someone, even if you don’t love them?

Do you think that it should be easy? I mean, you don’t love them and you want to find someone you do love, so breaking up should be easy, right?

Over my years of coaching clients in this exact position, I have come to learn that there are 5 clear reasons why it’s hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them. Knowing and understanding them might help you be able to take the step and break up with them so that you can both move on.

#1 – The idea of hurting them feels bad.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don’t love and the one that frustrates me the most because it’s not a good reason!

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It is really amazing. And, almost without exception, especially if they sleep with him, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And do you know what he does? He doesn’t tell them he isn’t interested.He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is afraid to hurt them.

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth.  Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don’t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#2 – You don’t want to mess up your friend group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people who find it hard to break up with someone it’s because of the effect that it will have on their friend group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren’t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love because of your friends, don’t. Move on. It might be tough in the short term but, in the long term, it is the right thing to do for both of your future happiness!

#3 -You are hoping things will change.

This is a really hard to accept reason why you can’t break up with someone that doing so will mean that you have accept that things might never change, that as much as you hope they will go back to the way things were or improve in the future, they won’t.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn’t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn’t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn’t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams as a result.

So, if you still hope that your relationship will change, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on the quality of your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it’s the first, keep fighting. If it’s the second, it’s time to move on.

#4 – You believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

This might one of the primary reasons that you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love.

I don’t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking, in high school, that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to be unhappy because, if you are stuck in this relationship, you won’t be able to find someone else.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, know that, if you do, if you can find the strength to do so, you will be way more likely to find the person of your dreams.

#5 – You are worried that you are making a mistake.

I have a client who has been in a relationship with a man since the start of Covid, March 2020.

Within months she knew that this was not the guy for her. He wasn’t employed, his politics were way off, she always had to pay for things, he would gaslight her horribly and pitifully apologize for what he had said. She was miserable and wanted out in a big way. But she couldn’t break up with him.

Why? Because she was worried that she was making a mistake. From the outside looking in, I knew that she wasn’t making a mistake but there was nothing I could do to convince her; she was just too close to it all to see clearly.

My client had been told by her parents over and over that she made stupid decisions. No matter what the choice she made they second guessed her. As a result, she really struggles with the wisdom of her decision to break up with him, even if she no longer loves him.

To deal with this, I encouraged her to look at past relationships, ones that she ultimately ended. Did it take her awhile to take action but she is glad that she did? And the answer was definitely yes. She managed to leave her husband after being unhappy for years. And, as a result, she was much happier. Recognizing this has helped her see that she can trust her own instincts, for her own happiness.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, it might be because you are worried that you are making a mistake. If this is you, push back on those fears. Look at past relationships that you managed to get out of and see if, ultimately, you made a mistake.

I am guessing probably not!

Finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them is not unusual.

I mean, you have all of this time invested in the relationship and you don’t like to give up on anything.

But you can do it! Knowing the signs will help.

If you are worried about hurting them and you don’t want to mess up your friend group, if you are hoping for change and worried that you are making a mistake or, worst of all, if you are worried that you will never love or be loved again, these are all reasons why breaking up is so difficult.

But you can do it. If you can accept that there will be some pain and uncomfortableness around a break up, if you can believe that you will be loved again, if you can have confidence that you aren’t making a mistake, then you will be able to break up with the person you don’t love and find a relationship that will make you happy!

5 Ways to Help a Friend Who is Depressed After a Break Up

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Good for you for trying to figure out how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up.

The second worst thing in the world, after getting depressed over our own break-up, is watching a friend suffer through one. We have been there, and we know how much it hurts, and our hearts go out to them.

What we don’t always know is the best way to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up. The path to break-up recovery is full of minefields, and as a friend, you want to help them through it and not make things worse.

To that end, here are ways to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up, ways that will get them through these dark times quicker, without leading to you ending up in the dog house for your efforts.

#1 – Consider what would you want…

When you have a friend who is depressed after a breakup, sometimes you feel helpless about how to help. One thing I would suggest is asking yourself what you would want.

I remember when my 13-year-old daughter’s best friend had a terrible break-up. My 13-year-old had never had a boyfriend, but the first thing she told her friend to do was to get some ice cream.

When she told me that, I knew that that was probably the first thing I would tell a friend as well, but I wondered how she knew, considering she had never had her heart broken.

‘That’s what I would want if I was feeling sad,’ she said. Brilliant.

So, think about what you would want if you were in the same place. I know that I would want to cry for a bit and then go out for a drink (or 5) with friends and rag on him and then go to the movies. I would eat Pad Thai and French fries and block him on my phone. I would suggest all of those things to my friend and see what stuck.

#2 – …but ask them what they want too.

I know that above I suggested doing things for your friend that you would want done for you, but sometimes what we would want just isn’t helpful at all. As a result, your friend could actually feel worse, being forced to do the things that would make YOU feel better.

So ask your friend what they need from you during these dark times. Do they want you around, or do they want you to go home? Do they want you to help them make a list of how horrible their ex is, or do they want to reminisce about how wonderful things were in the beginning? Do they want pizza or ice cream? Knowing what they want is the best way that we can help a friend in distress.

Of course, it’s often hard to see what would work when we are in such a dark place, so your friend might say they don’t know what they want. If that happens, go back to what you would want and see if any of those things appeal. You are friends, after all, so they just might.

#3 – Give them space.

Our tendency, when someone we love is hurting, is to hover over them, ready to take care of them. For women, especially, the inclination to make someone stop hurting is intense.

Unfortunately, many people err on the side of too much. They hover, waiting to do something that their person might want. They insist on sleeping over or staying for dinner or they do dishes or laundry or walk the dog, all in the attempt to help their person.

And, often, that just makes their person sadder.

So, pay attention to the signs. Yes, we like to have people around when we are in a dark place, but if you see any signs that you are being annoying, act on them. Make yourself scarce.

#4 – Listen to them and don’t try to fix them.

The number one worst thing that we can do when someone we love is depressed is to try to fix them. We so want to help, and yet, by trying to fix them, we tend to take only makes things worse.

Think about when you are feeling bad, no matter what the reason. Doesn’t it just piss you off when someone says ‘it’s all going to be ok,’ or ‘get over it’ or ‘relax’ or ‘move on.’ All of those things seem like platitudes and only make us feel horrible.

Even worse is when people start questioning your choices. ‘How can you be crying over that asshole?’ ‘Eating ice cream on the couch is a waste of time.’ ‘If you just take a shower we will go out and you will feel better.’

I 100% support you in the desire to help your friend who is depressed after a break-up, or for any reason, but thinking that you can fix them, or that they want to be fixed, will only make them feel worse about themselves, and all that trying to fix will do is drive a wedge between you.

So, listen to what they say, give them empathy, let them know that you are there but don’t try to fix them. They need to be broken for a while, and it’s up to them to fix themselves when they are ready.

#5 – Model healthy behaviors.

As I said above, trying to fix someone when they are feeling depressed will only backfire. Even if you believe that your friend needs to get out of the house and start living again, telling them so will only ground them further into their couch.

So, what should you do instead? You should do the things that you want your friend to do.

Imagine if you were feeling sad and your friend told you that it was time for you to get up and go for a walk with her, that it would make her feel better. How would that make you feel, having someone tell you what you needed to do to feel better? Not so good.

Instead, I would tell your friend that you are going for a walk and getting some ice cream. Paint a picture of what a perfect day it is for it and how good that chocolate chip is going to taste. By doing this, you are using the power of suggestion, planting the idea in her head that these things might be fun instead of telling her. That way, she might actually decide to go because she thinks that it’s her idea. And if she doesn’t go that time, she might just go the next time. On her own terms!

Knowing how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up is hard.

There is truly nothing worse than a broken heart – we have all been there, and we know – and seeing someone suffer from one is devastating.

But remember, this is your friend’s journey. You won’t be able to fix them. You can be by their side, encouraging them and supporting them, but ultimately it will be up to them to take the steps that they need to take to get past the break-up and move on.

So, be a friend – be there for them, but don’t try to fix them. Ask them what they need and don’t tell them what you think they need. And when they don’t want you around, respect that.

And remember – your friend will be fine. It might take a while, but be patient. You know that no one ever dies from a broken heart. And your friend won’t either.

Life does go on, after all!

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Lies

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Knowing how to save a marriage after infidelity and lies is the key to actually being able to do it!

When we set out to save a marriage, for any reason, we often make the mistake of not defining our goal specifically and identifying the things that need to be done to get there.

If you truly want to save your marriage after infidelity, focus your goal on that and make sure that the items below are a part of your toolkit.

#1 – Be Honest

It is essential that, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, you be honest with each other. No marriage can be saved without honesty, and honesty is the key to every happy relationship.

What do you need to be honest about? Several things.

The first is for the cheater to be honest about what happened. To own up to the infidelity and take ownership of what they have done by having the affair. Too many people, mostly because they are consumed with guilt, deny that the affair was a big deal, saying that it was just something that happened and that they want to forget about.

As a result, the other person feels cheated. They feel lied to. They feel disrespected. And that doesn’t set the stage for saving a marriage.

Another thing that is essential to be honest about is whether or not you want the marriage to be saved. Unless both people in the relationship want to work through this, there is no reason to even try.

Why? If one person wants to move forward, someone who doesn’t want to will only hold the other person back. If one person doesn’t want to move forward, they should be honest with their spouse and let them go so that they have an opportunity to heal.

So, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, it is essential to start by being honest with each other. If you don’t, your marriage is definitely doomed.

#2 – Be Patient

I know that the pain that you are feeling right now is huge. Whether you cheated or are the person cheated on, the revelation that there was cheating is devastating.

And, when we are in pain, we want more than anything for it to be gone, to return to normal again. Because normal might have been painful but less so.

It will take a couple a while to heal their marriage after infidelity. The person who cheated is most likely overwhelmed with guilt, even if they don’t think they are. And the person who was cheated on is probably struggling with anger, hurt, self-doubt and worse. Those emotions aren’t easy to get past.

So be patient. Know that the pain is going to stick around for a while. Figure out ways to manage it and don’t take it out on your partner.

If you take your pain out on your partner by treating them with contempt, you will only set yourself up for more pain and maybe the end of your marriage. There are ways to manage your pain without making things worse.

I would encourage you to keep yourself busy. There is nothing worse than sitting in your head all day, obsessing about what happened. Even worse is stalking them on social media, trying to learn more about the lover and trying to figure out if your partner is still cheating.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, spend time with people who love and support you and get enough sleep (I know – easier said than done right now). If you can take care of yourself right now, instead of sitting on the couch eating ice cream and obsessing, you will find that your pain will be lessened, if only for a little bit!

So, manage your pain as you work through saving your marriage. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Be Committed

If you are trying to save your marriage after infidelity, I would encourage you to decide whether you are committed to doing the work to save it.

I always tell my clients, when they are trying to stay away from someone who has broken their heart, to not be wishy-washy – to not say that they are going to ‘try’ to stay away from them. That they are going to ‘try’ to not respond to their texts. That they are going to ‘try’ to not stalk them on social media.

If you truly want to save your marriage, it is essential that you both are truly committed to making it happen. Commitment, the belief that you CAN do something, is the key to having success in anything, whether at work or in your personal life.

So, take a good look at how you are feeling. I am guessing that you aren’t sure if your marriage can be saved but being fully committed to doing the work to try to save it will only set you up for success.

I remember when my ex wanted to go to therapy after he asked for a divorce it was only so that ‘our marriage would end well.’ From my perspective, why even bother? He had made up his mind and therapy would have been a waste of time. I wished it could have been different but it was what it was. So, I went off and did my therapy and am now living happily ever after.

So, if you aren’t fully committed to making the effort to save your marriage, don’t even try.

#4 – Be Willing to Get Help

So many people believe that they can survive anything without getting any help.

For some reason, getting professional help to get you through difficult times has been stigmatized. We believe that we are tough, that we can get through anything on our own.

But this just isn’t the case. Why? Because you have never done this before. Never tried to save your marriage after infidelity.

Imagine that someone took you skiing and you had never been skiing once in your life. You decide not to take lessons because ‘how hard can it be?’ And then you find yourself at the top of the mountain with strange boards on your feet having no idea what to do next.

Getting through infidelity is the same. You have never been through this before and trying the DIY version of working through it will only end in more pain.

So, if you are both honestly committed to working through trying to save your marriage, I would encourage you to reach out to a professional marriage counselor or life coach who could help you take the steps to do so!

#5 – Be Respectful

I am guessing that you read this title and you thought to yourself – no way! Your person has cheated on you – you don’t owe them any respect.

I know that they have hurt you, deeply, but if you can’t treat them with respect, the respect that they deserve as a person, even if they have made a huge mistake, then you are just sabotaging any chances of saving your marriage.

Furthermore, I would encourage you not to talk to everyone about what has happened. Of course, we all have people who we need to process things with but getting out into the community and telling everyone what happened would only make things worse.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married woman and, when she decided to leave the relationship, he felt completely abandoned. And hurt. And he wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurt himself.

So, he decided that he was going to approach her and her husband, in front of all of their friends, and tell the husband what had happened between them. He knew that if he did this, his ex’s reputation in the community would be destroyed and that, if they ever got back together, not only would he be ridiculed but it would be hard for them to be respected as a couple.

So, if you want to save your marriage after your partner cheated, I would encourage you not to do or say anything that you can’t take back. I would encourage you to treat your partner like you would want to be treated. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up to end your marriage.

Knowing some of the things to do if you want to save your marriage after infidelity is the best way to actually reach your goal.

It’s not going to be easy to come back after infidelity, but if you are honest, committed, willing to get help, and be respectful, you are setting yourself up, in a big way, for success.

I know that you can do this! And, no matter how it all ends up, you can know that you did your best and that you maintained your self-esteem in the process!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Signs Your Depression is Getting Really Bad After Your Break Up

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Are you wondering if your depression is getting really bad after your breakup?

Do you find yourself just getting sadder and sadder? Have your friends mentioned that you are not yourself? Have you been ignoring your mother’s calls for months?

Knowing if your depression is getting worse after a breakup is a hard thing to do because you are living your life day to day, and the big picture of what is going on with your mood can be cloudy.

It’s important to know if your depression is getting worse because with knowledge comes power. If you know you are, in fact, getting more depressed every day, then knowing will give you the opportunity to figure out the next steps to take.

Here are 5 signs that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#1 – You Have No Hope

Do you feel completely hopeless?

Do you believe that tomorrow will be worse than today? That your work is only going to get harder? That going out with your friends is worse than death? That you will never love or be loved again?

Feeling hopeless is a key sign of depression.

I know that when I feel depressed, looking forward to the future is virtually impossible. I believe that I am worthless and will never add anything to the world and why even bother to get any help because it’s not going to make a difference. It’s a horrible feeling.

What I am here to tell you is that there is hope for your future. Even though you might want to slap the person who tells you that ‘everything will be fine,’ I can promise you that, if you can get some help to get you out of your depression, the future can be bright. That you will excel at work and that you will love and be loved again.

So, feeling hopeless is a key sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#2 – You Are Isolating

Be honest. When was the last time you left your house? Was it yesterday to get some take out? Was it a few days back when you needed to do some laundry? Was it last week for a friend’s birthday?

Take stock, right now, of the last time that you left the house. It is important that you take note because it’s easy to lose track.

Have you been spending time with your family and friends? Does the idea of doing so fill you with dread, and are you ignoring everyone at all costs? Would you rather stay home and watch TV than do anything at all?

All of the things I discussed above are signs that you are isolating. Isolating is another key indicator that you are depressed and that things might be getting worse.

I know that the idea of getting off your butt and doing something is incredibly daunting right now, but if you can do even one small thing – like taking a walk with a friend or going to a movie – you will feel better, even if only for a short time.

#3 – You Can’t Get Out of Bed or Off the Couch

Are you struggling with a complete lack of energy? Do you spend all day in bed, sleeping or eating ice cream and watching the ‘Desperate Housewives of some city far away’?

Do you sometimes manage to get out of bed, only to make your way over to the couch where you settle in under your blanket and watch some romantic movies that make you feel worse?

People who are depressed have very little energy and, as a result, spend a lot of time sedentary. And being sedentary is not only a sign of depression but it’s also the worst thing that you can do to work through it.

I have heard some great ideas from people who are struggling to get out of bed or off the couch when they are depressed.

When they get out of bed, they put their mattress against the wall so that impulsively getting back into bed is impossible. Another thing that they do is to load up the couch with books and clothes and other lumpy things so that being on the couch is uncomfortable.

With no place to collapse into, being sedentary is much more difficult, and it might force you to get out into the world, to get some exercise, and maybe even see friends!

#4 – You Haven’t Showered

I know that when one of my friends is feeling really depressed, the indicator is that she never showers. When she is depressed, self-care is the first thing that goes.

She doesn’t shower. She doesn’t shave. She doesn’t take her vitamins. She doesn’t eat. She doesn’t do her laundry. She pretty much does nothing that will help keep her body strong and healthy.

And not feeling healthy only fuels her depression.

My friend knows that she does this. A coping skill that she has developed is that, when she has a moment or two when she feels okay (which we all do when we are depressed but, unless we make an effort in that moment, we just fall back into the darkness), she takes a shower. And, more likely than not, this one little piece of self-care makes a big difference with her mood, even if only for a bit. And feeling better about herself helps her reach out to her friends or her doctor for help!

So, are you dirty, hungry, and unkempt? If yes, it definitely might be a sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#5 – You Are Self-Sabotaging

Unfortunately, when one is feeling hopeless, alone, lazy, and dirty, the desire to do anything positive is just not there. As a result, we do things that are self-sabotaging, things that might keep us depressed rather than moving towards healing.

What kind of self-sabotaging? Reaching out to our ex. Stalking them on Instagram. Reading old text messages. Reflecting on how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Is this you? If it is, STOP these behaviors right now! All of these things will only keep you in a dark spot.

You have broken up with your person, and yes, it’s very sad, but the number one thing that you can do to help you move past it is to go ‘no contact.’ Every moment of contact you have with your ex will only drag you back into that hole of depression.

Imagine if, instead of reaching out to your person, you reached out to a friend. Imagine if, instead of stalking them on Instagram, you used your time on your phone to text with the sister who makes you laugh. Imagine if, instead of reading old text messages, you deleted them, taking back your power. And how about accepting that the way things were in the beginning will never be that way again, because they never are.

So, consider your behaviors these days. If you find you are self-sabotaging instead of doing the things that you need to do to get out of this darkness, then you are definitely depressed.

If your depression is getting really bad after your breakup, know that there are things that you can do about it.

The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are depressed. Doing so will help you take that first step forward!

Once you have accepted your depression, it is the time to take action. Take a shower, take your mattress off the bed, reach out to a friend, eat something that is good for you, take a walk, and go ‘no contact’ with your ex. If you can do even ONE of these things, you will be on the road to getting past your depression and starting to live your life again.

If you find that these things aren’t making your depression go away, it might be time to see your primary care doctor, to see if they can help you manage your mood. They won’t judge you. I promise!

I know that it all seems daunting right now, but I promise that you can do it. And imagine how good you will feel when you do!

5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

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