5 Things to Consider Before Dating Again After a Long-Term Marriage

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Are you thinking about dating again after a long-term marriage? Are you newly divorced and eager to get out there into the world of dating?

Is the idea of doing so incredibly scary?

For me, and for many of my clients, the idea of dating after divorce was very intimidating but we did so nonetheless, eager to find love again. And many of us did find that love and you can too!

The key to finding that love is going into dating consciously so that you can do things differently this time round and find the person, and the relationship, you seek.

#1 – Take your time.

Many people who are interested in dating again after a long-term marriage jump in too quickly. I know that you are probably feeling lonely and scared that you’ll never find someone to love but rushing into it, just like rushing into anything, can lead to failure and heartbreak.

A general rule of thumb for someone for when to get into a new relationship is two years after the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean you can’t start dating before that, but getting into a new relationship is not a wise move.

For those of us who have been divorced for a while, when we encounter someone who is newly separated or still not divorced, we steer clear. Why? Because people who are newly separated or still going through their divorce are people who are very emotional. They are people who are very vulnerable. They are people who require more care than somebody wants to give in the early stages of dating.

Just a few months after my husband left me, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was hesitant about getting into a relationship with me, but was willing to do so because our connection was so strong. However, I was still very emotional about everything that was happening and he just didn’t have the patience for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, but he had been through his own divorce and he didn’t want to relive it again.

So, if you are thinking about dating again, I encourage you to take those first steps if you want to, but to not jump into a relationship until you’re done fully, processing your emotions around the end of your marriage and the technicalities of your divorce.

#2 – Make sure you know what went wrong in your marriage.

A mistake that many people who start dating again after a long-term marriage make is not taking some time to figure out why their marriage ended.

The divorce rate for people in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate for people in first marriages. Why? Because people don’t try to understand what happened in their marriage. They just jump into a second marriage because they are unhappy being alone or are looking for the financial security that one gets in a marriage. However, they don’t know what went wrong in their first marriage, what their role in the demise of that marriage might’ve been. As a result, they make the same mistakes in their new relationship.

Have you taken the time to reflect on your marriage? Do you understand the things that led to the divorce? Do you understand your role in the end of your marriage?

If you have done your work, proceed with the dating and have fun! If you haven’t, I would encourage you to take the time to do so. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a life coach who can help you step back and take a look at what happened would be very helpful.

Even if you aren’t thinking about dating again, taking the time to reflect on your long-term marriage and what you might have done differently will be an excellent step as far as healing as you move forward.

#3 – Take stock of what you want to be different.

Once you have taken the time to understand what went wrong in your marriage, now it’s time to take stock of how you want things to be different in your new relationship.

Many people make a list of the traits they they want in the person they’re looking for, and that is helpful, but it’s important to understand more about how someone makes you feel as opposed to traits that they have.

After all, you could find a guy who is really funny but perhaps he makes you feel insecure. Or somebody who’s financially successful but who makes you feel abandoned.

I would encourage you to start with making a list of the traits you would like to see in someone and then taking stock of what of how that trait would make you feel.

If you’re looking for somebody who enjoys quality time, what does that look like for you, specifically? If you’re looking for someone who will love your children, how must they make you feel about that?

Just like we do in any area of our life, we take the time to define what we want in any situation. If we don’t do this, it’s really hard to get what we want.

#4 – Make sure you are dating for the right reasons.

It is essential that, if you want to start dating again after your divorce, you are doing so for the right reasons.

As previously stated, many people jump back into dating for the wrong reasons. It’s not so much that they are ready to fall in love again, as it is that they are feeling insecure about their place in the world. After being part of a couple for many years, suddenly being on their own out in the world is a scary thing. Perhaps they’re worried about financial security. Perhaps they’re scared that they’ll never love or be loved again. Perhaps they just are uncomfortable being alone.

Do you know why you want to start dating again? Is it because your friends are pressuring you to do so? Is it because you don’t enjoy being the odd man out in social situations? Is it because you need someone around to help you manage your car and your taxes?

As you take stock of what you want in a new relationship, also take stock of whether right now is the time for you to start dating or if perhaps you’re not quite ready.

Doing so for the wrong reasons might only lead to heartbreak, something you really don’t need any more of after your divorce.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

An essential part of dating again after the end of your marriage is taking care of yourself.

Dating is hard. It’s something you haven’t done for a while and something that you are out of practice at.

Dating takes a lot of focus and energy, things that can be hard to access in this crazy world we live in. Focusing on dating exclusively might lead to you not putting energy into other places in your life, like your work or your kids which would not be good.

Dating also involves rejecting and being rejected. It can lead to heartbreak. It can lead to insecurity. It’s important that you have awareness of this before you go into dating and that your self-esteem is strong enough to manage it all.

I know I’m making it seem like dating is a horrible thing, and maybe even discouraging you from trying it, and that is not my goal. I had a lot of fun on dates and made some great friends, including someone who introduced me to my now husband. But dating is fraught and delicate and frustrating so make sure that, as you go through this journey, you don’t neglect your self-care.

Make sure that you spend time with friends, do things that you love, get enough sleep, food, and exercise. All of these things will keep you emotionally and physically strong as you embark on this journey. In any case, these things are essential to living a good life.

So there you go – 5 things to take into consideration before embarking on dating again after long term marriage.

Good for you for feeling brave enough to get out in the world and do something that you haven’t had to do for a long time. It’s not an easy thing to even consider dating again after divorce, but the fact that you are trying to learn more about if and when you should get started will lead you to success.

So make sure you don’t hurry into a new relationship. Make sure you know what you want and what went wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You have a whole new life ahead of you and you will find the love you see. I promise.

The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

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If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

It’s Time for Women to Start Talking About Why We Have Sex

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It’s an age-old sentiment – how do you get a man to do anything, absolutely anything? Have sex with him. And, according to my male clients, almost everything that they do in a relationship is with the goal of having more sex. As a result, for time immortal, it has been accepted, sometimes even lauded, that sex can be a transactional thing between men and woman.

But should it be?

I have a client whose marriage is struggling. Her husband has ADD and works too hard and doesn’t prioritize her. For years, she has been trying to get him to consistently notice her, to want to spend time with her, to enjoy the things that they used to enjoy together. And, most days, she fails.

Unless – she has sex with him.

She tells me that if she has sex with him, something she knows that he wants twice a week, he will be way more willing to spend time with her.

So, she has sex with him and he does something nice and then things go back to the way they always are, her feeling lonely and disconnected, him doing his own thing. Until they have sex again and so the gerbil wheel turns.

Another client has sex with her husband twice a week because, if she doesn’t, she feels guilty. My client works full time, manages her children’s schedules and keeps the household running smoothly. Her husband helps but she is the one who keeps the train on the track. More often than not, the last thing that she wants to do at the end of the day is have sex.

But, her husband wants it. He has made it very clear that he does and he often sulks in the moment when he doesn’t get it. The next day he is irritable and the more time that passes between sexual encounters, the less helpful he is around the house. My client believes that she is responsible for this behavior because she didn’t have sex with him and so she does so, begrudgingly.

I am sure that many women have found themselves in similar situations, more than once, probably with different men throughout their lives. And I am sure that many of those women have accepted that this pattern is okay, that this is just the way that it has always been, men want sex and women give it to them.

But I am asking – is it okay that women accept this pattern? Is it okay that women must give their body to their husband/boyfriend because that is just the way that it’s always been done, or, in some cases, because a god says it’s their duty to do so?

When I was in college, I was in a “friends with benefits” relationship. It was consensual and fun and satisfying. And then one day he showed up at my dorm room, drunk. I had been studying and was in bed reading. He made it very clear that he wanted sex. I did not and said so but he kept pushing it, kissing me and touching me, until we ended up in a position with him on top of me. I remember so clearly, 40 years later, making a conscience decision in that moment to give in and let him have sex with me. After all, we had had sex before and I should just give it to him and be done with it. So, I did. And, surprisingly to me, I walked away feeling hollow, used and hating myself.  I have had a fraught relationship with sex ever since.

One might think that my college experience was different from those of my clients. After all, they are married and want to do things that make their husbands happy. My question is, is it really that different? Is it our responsibility to submit our body to men to keep them happy, even if we don’t want to, in any situation?

My answer to this question is this – only if it makes us feel good in the end. And I am not saying that we need to have an orgasm. What I am saying is that is important that, when we are lying next to our man after sex, we feel connected and loving. That we don’t feel like we have sacrificed something as important as our own body for someone else. That we haven’t experienced any physical or mental pain. And it does happen – women who go into a sexual encounter unenthusiastically ultimately do find pleasure - but often times it does not.

Sexologist Kassandra Mourikis states that having sex with someone because one feels guilty or because they feel it’s their responsibility can have physical and emotional consequences. During the sex act, if a woman isn’t ready, she can feel physical pain in the moment, not something anyone should feel during the act of sex. Repeated instances of having sex as a duty can lead to avoiding any kind of physical intimacy, no longer enjoying a sexual experience and looking at sex as a duty instead of something enjoyable. Most importantly, having sex for someone else can lead to long term mental health issues.

Ironically, all of these things can ultimately lead to the death of a marriage, exactly what a woman is trying to avoid by indulging her husband.

An internet search using the keywords “women must have sex with husbands†found hundreds of articles about why women are obliged to have sex with their husbands. But I think that it’s time that we question this age-old assumption and take a look at why we feel it is our duty to have sex with our men.  We must ask ourselves why we tolerate sex when we don’t feel like it and where this belief that we had to do so comes from. Is it really our responsibility to make our man happy at the expense of our relationship with sex and our mental health?

In my perspective, Ms. Mourikis sums it up perfectly: “Each person is responsible for meeting their own pleasure,†women by setting their boundaries around sex and men by respecting those boundaries and taking their pleasure into their own hands.

How to Rebuild Life After Divorce: 11 Tips from Someone Who Has Been There

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First and foremost, I want to empathize with you that you have to be reading this article. I am sure that, even if this divorce was the right thing to do, you never want to have one. We all go into marriage so hopeful and it’s horrible when those hopes are dashed.

Now that I have said that, it’s time to talk about how to move on. And you can move on. I promise! I have been there.

Let me share with you 11 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce, things that I learned when I went through it myself and found the life that I had always dreamed of!

#1 – Stand up for yourself.

The first thing that you must do to help you rebuild your life after your divorce happens before you get divorced. It is essential that, as you go through the divorce process, you do the best that you can do to make sure that you will have some financial security going forward.

Most states make sure that property is divided 50/50 but sometimes it doesn’t quite work out that way. And that is ok, but make sure that you get what you need to be able to rebuild your life.

Make sure that you know what you need to live comfortably. If you don’t know what you need, how can you get it?

Make sure that, if negotiations are getting tiresome, you don’t give up. Many people just agree to whatever because they want to divorce process to end. DON’T do this. The last mile is the longest but you can do it!

Make sure that, in the future looking back, you know that you handled yourself with integrity. Divorces are hard and coming out of it feeling bad about yourself won’t help you move on.

I know that this divorce process is long and hard but making sure that you get what you need will help with rebuilding your life going forward.

#2 – Reframe your narrative.

My ex-husband left me for his college girlfriend and I was devasted. For many years, whenever my divorce came up, I told people the truth about what happened. I was angry and I wanted sympathy and that was my narrative.

And then a friend reminded me that I had been miserable in my marriage for a long time and I hadn’t had the guts to move on. The way my ex left sucked but the reality was he did a good thing for us. Our marriage was only sucking us both down. She suggested that, instead of making myself into the victim, I portray myself as a victor, someone who came out of a dying marriage intact and who was rebuilding the life that I wanted.

Reframing my narrative, not seeing myself as a victim, made all the difference in setting the stage for rebuilding my life after my divorce.

#3 – Don’t expect to just bounce back.

I have a client who, after he found out his wife had cheated on him, kicked her out and, within weeks, filed for and got his divorce. He told me that he was one of those people that, when someone wrong them, they are dead to them and that he was moving on.

I knew better.

I know that you want to move on. That you want to let go of the pain and the anger and the disappointment and whatever else it is that you are feeling. And you will. It just won’t happen right now.

For my client, he did not just move on. In spite of the fact that they were divorced, the pain and acrimony continued, for months. He so wanted to stop feeling the way he was feeling but the feelings were still strong and he couldn’t control them.

I know that this might feel disheartening but I can promise you that you will bounce back. Everyone does. It just might take a little bit longer than you might had hoped for!

#4 – Rearrange your space.

If you are still in the home that you shared with your ex, I am guessing that it feels like it is full of the ghosts of your marriage, the good times and the bad. And I am sure that you would like to get rid of those ghosts ASAP.

One of my clients rearranged her home in a big way after her divorce. She took all of the furniture and knick-knacks in her bedroom (throwing or packing away things that caused her mixed feelings) and moved them to the TV room. She then took the TV room stuff and put it in her old bedroom. She told me that doing this switching helped her start to rebuild her life in a big way.

Can you switch up your space? Get rid of things that have bad memories and create a space for yourself where you feel safe? If yes, do it. It could make all the difference.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

I know. This is an obvious one but one we often ignore.

Yes, I know that you are devasted and that eating ice cream on the couch in front of the TV is way more appealing than getting out there and going for a walk. I get it!

But, do everything in your power to get off the couch – at least long enough to take that walk.

If you stop taking care of yourself during this period of transition, it will only hold you back from healing. It is important to get enough sleep (try these tips to help), to eat well and get some exercise. I am not saying join a gym – just make sure that you get your heart rate up every day. I promise you that the dopamine that you get from the exercise will help tremendously with managing your feelings.

As for me, in the months after my divorce, I got a massage once a week. It felt so good to be touched and to have someone take care of me. What would make you feel good?

#6 – Find new friends.

Soon after my husband asked me for a divorce, I met a woman who changed my life. We were both realtors and crossed paths during a house showing. We liked each other and made a plan to go for a walk together. It turned out that she was divorced and newly remarried and that she was a few years ahead of me with rebuilding her life. She helped me understand what I needed to move forward (to make sure that I had all my stuff around me and to stand up for myself financially during the divorce) and inspired me with her happy new marriage.

I met another woman at the pet store and became fast friends. We went thrifting together and drank manhattans and generally had fun. She was someone who I never would have met if I hadn’t been looking for friends.

I know that making new friends can be challenging but pick your head up and look around. There are lots of women out there who are looking for new friends too!

Two women are smiling while one of them is using a cell phone.

#7- Spend time with loved ones.

Chances are good that, after your divorce, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Divorces are hard and can destroy one’s confidence and self-esteem.

If there are any people out there who can help you rebuild your self-esteem it’s your loved ones. The ones who have always been there for you, who know who you are, who know what you need when you are sad, who will remind you, over and over, that you are amazing and that you are going to be okay.

So, instead of isolating yourself, pick up the phone and reach out to someone who loves you. You will be glad you did!

#8 – Don’t jump right into a new relationship.

I know – you are probably feeling pretty lonely right now and just want to get on with your life and, ideally, with a partner. And I get it! BUT, now is not the time.

Now is the time for you to take a good hard look at what happened in your marriage and what you need to do differently next time. If don’t have a clear understanding of what those things are, you will find that you make the same old mistakes. (Over 60% of second marriages fail for just this reason).

If you absolutely must get back out there, dating wise, I would encourage you to go on dates but not get into a relationship. To refamiliarize yourself with dating and flirting and disappointment. That way, when you are ready to get into a relationship again, you will have been in training and will be a better dater and partner.

#9 – Do things that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married we tend to get into ruts. I know that my married life involved chores and meals and yoga and binge-watching TV. And those things were okay and I never really thought about doing anything else.

When I got divorced, I suddenly had the space to do anything that I wanted to do (mostly). So, I thought about what I wanted to do and I did it! Since my divorce I have hiked in Peru, slept at the bottom of the grand canyon, moved to NYC, taking my kids to Europe, started a business and gotten married.

I wouldn’t have done any of those things if I had stayed married and part of rebuilding my life after my divorce was doing things that made my heart sing!

#10- Get help with managing your feelings.

I know. You are tough. You don’t need help. But, let me tell you – you do.

Chances are that you have never been through a divorce before and therefore have no experience with how to do it. Having someone help you navigate this period of your life is essential if you want to cope with divorce emotionally

I know that when I was recovering, I was plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt for the things that I did and didn’t do in my marriage. Guilt about breaking up my family. I also felt bad about myself because my husband left me. And the loneliness was at times overwhelming.

I found myself a life coach who helped with letting go of toxic relationships (which inspired me to start this business) and they helped me process those emotions so that I could move on.

Get some help!  It doesn’t have to be forever – just for now while you heal.

#11 – Know you will find love again.

I know that it doesn’t feel like you will ever love or be loved again. The rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are feeling incredibly damaged as a result.

But I can promise you that you will find love again. There are many people out there, just like you, how are dealing with heartbreak but who are also looking to find love. Just be patient. Your person is out there. I promise!

I know that it might seem impossible right now but it is possible to rebuild your life after your divorce.

The prospect is daunting, I know, but if you can take the tips that I recommend, you will find yourself on the pathway to healing quicker than you will from the couch.

You can do it!

 

Can I Help My Wife Heal after I Cheated? Yes, You Can!

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First of all, good for you for wondering how you can help your wife heal after you cheated. Many cheaters don’t do this and good for you for seeking to learn how to do so.

Cheating can have a devastating effect on a relationship, on the cheater and on the person who was cheated on. For many people, cheating leads a lifetime of feeling guilty or hurt or distrustful or self-hatred, all things that are detrimental not only to a couple but also to an individual.

Fortunately, there are ways to help your wife heal after you cheated and, at the same time, help you heal as well.

Here are 9 ways to help your wife heal after you cheated.

#1 – By being completely honest.

The number one most important thing to help your wife heal after your infidelity is by being 100% honest about what happened in the affair. Not 99% – 100%. This includes any details that she asks for and not hiding something because you don’t want to hurt her (a common occurrence for men, who instinctively don’t want to hurt any woman).

The only way to start to rebuild trust in a relationship is by giving your partner the truth. The truth about how and why and when. The truth about questions she might ask. The truth about how you were feeling as it happened. The truth about the circumstances in which you strayed.

Why is the truth important? First of all, truth is essential to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Without the truth, trust is impossible. It is also important reason to be 100% truthful with your wife is so that she has the information that she needs to figure out how she wants to move forward in the marriage.

For some wives, the fact that you cheated means that the marriage is over but, for many wives, their feelings are complicated and they aren’t sure how they want to proceed. Knowing what happened will help them do so.

#2 – By showing remorse.

I know that you are probably feeling pretty guilty right now but are you also feeling a little bit self-righteous? After all, you are probably receiving the brunt of a lot of vitriol about what you did and who you are and that probably makes you feel defensive. How is this defensiveness making you behave? Is it making you push back on your wife’s words or are you showing remorse for what you did?

It is essential that you show real remorse for what happened. I know that you might believe that the whole thing is complicated and that there are myriad reasons why you cheated but the reality is is that you cheated on someone to whom you made a vow to be faithful and the fact that you violated that vow means that it’s time for you to show real remorse.

So, if you want to help your wife heal after your infidelity, don’t push back on her words ubt show her true remorse.

#3 – By cutting off the affair partner.

This is so important! If you have been caught cheating or if you confess to it on your own, of paramount importance with helping your wife heal is cutting off all contact with your affair partner.

And I mean ALL contact. No seeing them, no texting, no liking their Instagram posts. Nothing.

After all, any contact with your affair partner will most likely perpetuate your feelings for them and perhaps keep the affair going. And, if you want your wife to believe that you are truly remorseful, keeping in contact with your AF won’t help with that.

#4 – By being willing to talk about what happened.

Your wife might have lots of questions, questions that you might be very uncomfortable answering. And I am sorry but that is on you.  You cheated and your wife wants to know details and answers to her questions are a key part of helping her heal.

I have a client whose husband refused to tell her the details of what happened and so she reached out to his affair partner, with disastrous results. The affair partner overshared what happened and blamed the wife for what they did. You can imagine how this made her feel.

So, be willing to answer your wife’s questions. If you don’t, she might get her answers elsewhere which would only put another nail in your coffin.

#5 – By accepting that your wife can’t “just let it go.â€

I see this all the time. A husband wants his wife to just let it go. After all, the affair is over – can’t they just get on with life and forget it ever happened?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question is “no.†The affair happened, you got caught and your relationship will be forever changed as a result. It’s time to get used to that fact.

I am not saying that your wife won’t be able to ever let what happened go but it will take some time. It will take some time to accept what happened and figure out how to move forward. It will take some time to work to forgive you, or not, for what happened. It will take some time for her to start feeling good about herself again as she is probably not feeling that way right now.

So, no matter how much you want to sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget it ever happened, know that you can’t. This thing happened and it isn’t going to unhappen and you must face it head on.

#6 – By being willing to get help.

Chance are, neither you or your wife have ever dealt with infidelity in marriage and you will need some support navigating its after effects. The best way to do that is through marriage counseling or coaching.

Many men who have cheated don’t want to go to marriage counseling. They believe that their wife and a therapist will just pile on blame for what happened and that it won’t feel good. The reality is that, with a good coach or therapist, this won’t happen. A good therapist or life coach will help you explore the reasons that you cheated and teach you both some tools to work through this and rebuild your relationship.

I can promise you that, if you refuse to get counseling about your infidelity, the chances that your wife will heal are infinitesimal.

Two people sitting in chairs talking to each other.

#7 – By not blaming her.

I do believe that men don’t cheat if they are in a happy, satisfying relationship. I do believe that men are often presented with someone who thinks them smart and wonderful and who wants to have sex with them, things that might have been missing in their marriage, and they can’t resist the temptation to stray.

That being said, you must take responsibility for the fact that you made the decision to cheat. Yes, your marriage might struggling, and your wife bears some responsibility for this, but you chose to, instead of addressing the issues, get what you needed elsewhere.

One of the reasons that it’s important to not blame your wife is because she is already feeling horrible about herself. How could she not if the person who said they would love them forever cheated? If you blame her for what happened, it might make you feel better but it will only make her feel worse and hinder her healing, in a big way.

#8 – By showing them love.

I know that this might be a hard one but it is essential that you do your best to make your partner feel loved during this recovery period.

Even if you don’t love your wife I am guessing that you still like her. It is important that you show her this. To help her overcome her feelings of self-loathing that are the result of you cheating on her.

Many men try to give their wives space after the discovery of infidelity, mostly because they feel guilty and don’t want to be yelled at. And giving your wife space if she asks for it is very important. But don’t give her too much space. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her if she needs you. Do little things that will make her feel loved.

Even if your marriage might be over, letting your wife know that, no matter what happened, you still care about her, will go a long way towards helping her heal after your cheating.

#9 – By committing to taking a hard look at yourself.

This infidelity didn’t happen in a void. Yes, your marriage might have been troubled but what is it about you that made you step out on your wife? After all, not every man cheats when their marriage is struggling.

For many women, a key part of healing is knowing that their husband is willing to take a good hard look at themselves and why they did what they did. Many men are hesitant to do any self-reflection and showing your wife that you are willing to do so will help her see that you want to do what you can to save your marriage and to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach and start doing some digging now.

Again, good for you for trying to help your wife after heal after you cheated.

I know that you have an uphill battle ahead, that recovering after the discovery of an affair is a long road and one that will take some patience and perseverance.

But you can do it. And you can support your wife in her process to move past this. By doing so, you are ensuring that you and your wife can rebuild your relationship, even if you don’t stay married.

That being said, its way more likely that you will stay married if you take the suggestions above and implement them, now.

You can do it!

10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

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10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Being happily married is the dream for most people. The idea of having a spouse to share their lives with and love unconditionally is why there are internet dating sites and relationship coaches. When we are lucky enough to get one, we are happy.

Unfortunately, what often happens in long-term marriages is that we start taking each other for granted and, even worse, the appearance of contempt of the familiar. We might still love each other but we might no longer appreciate each other.

It is important that, if this has happened in your marriage, to nip it in the bud. The best way to do that? To dig deep, reconnect with what you love about your person and show your spouse gratitude for their existence in your life.

How do you show your spouse gratitude? Let me share.

#1 – Tell them how they make you feel.

When we are first in a relationship with someone, when feelings are developing and love ultimately comes, we are very good at sharing our feelings with someone. It is all so new and fresh and we want to shout our feelings from the rooftops.

However, when we are in a marriage, we can stop being verbal with our partner about how we are feeling.

This happens especially, I have learned in my work, with men. I often ask my male clients how often they tell their wives they love them (outside of the standard ‘I love you’ when hanging up the phone). The answer I usually get is ‘I don’t need to tell her – she knows.’

Well, let me tell you – she might not know.

Men are probably worse at telling their spouses they love them because they are not experts at communication like women are. And that is okay. But it’s important for everyone to strengthen that communication muscle so that we can express our feelings for our spouse and make them feel our gratitude that we have them in our lives.

#2 – Compliment them.

When your spouse walks into the room, do you notice them? Do you notice if they took particular care getting ready or if they are dirty from the garden but looking cute? And, if you do notice them, do you tell them that you like what you see?

Again, as we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge that we like what we see. But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know that you still find them as hot/cute/sexy as you did in the beginning.

#3 – Get involved with what they like to do.

When my husband and I were first dating, I used to get involved in his car projects.  He is renovating an old Ford truck and I would get out in the garage and get dirty and greasy with him. I genuinely enjoyed doing this and it was a fun thing that we did together.

Now, however, six years later, you will rarely find me in the garage working on his cars with him, something that he does every weekend. And, that I don’t do that hasn’t caused him any resentment but, whenever I do offer to spend a few hours with him, he is so happy. So, I do it occasionally and we always enjoy our time together!

#4 – Make them a priority.

This is another way to make sure that your spouse knows that you are grateful they are in your life – making them a priority.

Life is crazy busy with kids, work, hobbies, and extended family, and for some reason, it is usually the spouses who get relegated to the back of the line. I think that this is because we assume that they are okay with that and that we believe that they will always be there when we have time for them.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My ex-husband left me because, among other reasons, he was at the back of my priority line. With my new husband, he is much closer to the top of my priority list and sometimes even at the top. And he really appreciates this, and it feels really good for me to feel his appreciation and only makes me want to do it more often.

#5- Help them with something difficult.

My husband is building a boat shed for his Ford car project. It looks like an upside-down hull (hence the name), and it is not an easy project. Because it’s hard to get skilled labor these days, he is building it himself. It is not an easy job, so every weekend, I am out there helping him build it.

It is actually quite fun for me. I am up on 10 ft ladders, drilling in bolts. I am digging up sod. I am holding the other end of arches that are hard to manage. At the end of the day I am tired and maybe sore but it has been a lovely day, being outside with him, helping him build something that is very meaningful to him.

married couple having fun

#6 – Learn their love language.

An essential part of showing gratitude for your spouse is to learn their love language.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with love languages, it works like this. Each person has one of four things that make them feel loved – quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift giving.

The rub is if we don’t know our spouse’s love language, we won’t know what to do to make them feel loved. And if we don’t know their love language, we will probably try to make them feel loved with what we need to feel loved.

An example of this is, let’s say that you feel wonderful when you are being hugged or holding hands. This means that one of your love languages is physical touch. Great. You can encourage your spouse to give you hugs often. But let’s say your spouse’s love language is not physical touch but quality time; what is most important to them is that they get quality time with you. This, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.

So, if you want your spouse to know how much you appreciate them being in your life, learn their love language and make them feel loved.

#7 – Be thankful for them in your head.

Yes, we can be outwardly appreciative of our spouses and that is good. But, it is also really important that we are thankful for them in our head. Why? Because we want our gratitude to be genuine.

Of course, our spouses can drive us crazy sometimes, maybe even often, but, focusing on the bad stuff in your mind and putting the good stuff to the side won’t help you feel good about your spouse – it will only make you resent them.

So, make an effort to catalog those good things that your partner does, and stay in touch with how you feel about them, so that you can show your spouse gratitude authentically.

#8 – Respect their wishes.

If your partner asks you to do something or to support him doing something that he wants to do, to show your spouse gratitude it is important that you respect their wishes.

If something is important enough to someone that they present it to a spouse then that means that their need is significant. If you just write off something they want to do, they definitely won’t feel loved.

This holds true for behaviors as well. If your husband asks that you not get angry with him so quickly, work hard to do so. If he annoys you, take a deep breath and stay calm. If your wife asks that you make it home on time for family dinner, make every effort to do so.

#9 – Say Thank You.

So many husbands tell me that their wives never thank them for what they do. They say that they go out of their way sometimes to do something nice for them only to be met with silence. The same holds with women who feel like they aren’t appreciated for everything that they do to keep the home front running smoothly.

It is important that we recognize the things that our spouses do for us with a Thank you. After all, how difficult is it to do so?

#10 – Do not take them for granted.

Finally, the key way to show your spouse how much you appreciate them is to not take them for granted and make sure that they know you don’t.

It is so easy to start taking a spouse for granted. After all, we have sworn to love and cherish each other forever so they can’t leave. Right? Unfortunately, they can. I know that another reason my ex-husband left is because I know longer gave him respect that he deserved and that I believed that, no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. Nope that didn’t work out!

Showing your spouse gratitude is something that we don’t do naturally but we should make every effort to do so.

Marriages are hard and long and it can be easy to disconnect from someone you love. But, if you can make an effort to let them know regularly that you see them, that you appreciate them and that you want to be with them it will go a long way towards keeping you connected and your marriage strong.

You can do it!

9 Ways to Be Independent in a Relationship So That You Don’t Lose Yourself In It

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If there is a common thread between many of my clients it’s that they find it hard to be independent in a relationship and, as a result, their relationships are struggling and they reach out to me.

At the beginning of any relationship, we are our own person. We have friends, hobbies, family etc. Once we get into a relationship, things change. We have a partner, one we want to spend all of our time with (especially if we have an insecure attachment style) and we often lose ourselves in them.

And this, I am afraid, can be a death knell for any relationship.

How do you be independent in a relationship? Let me share!

#1 – Be who you really are.

This is the key to a healthy relationship and one of independence “From the very beginning, be who you are.

I have a client who is never herself when she gets into a relationship. She is an incredibly anxious person and she has a very strong insecure attachment style. The men she is dating would never know it with how chill she acts. Unfortunately, once they fall in love with her, her true manners come out and they are left confused, wondering where is the person they fell in love with

If you aren’t yourself in a relationship, you are going to find yourself needing more and more connection in it because you don’t feel good about yourself and need validation from your partner. This will only take away from being independent in a relationship which could lead to the end of the relationship.

#2 – Don’t drop your friends.

You need your friends. I promise you. You need your friends, especially if things go awry in your relationship.

Often times, the first thing to go in a relationship are friendships. It’s not something that is done consciously it’s just the more time we spend with our partners, the less time we have with our friends. And our friends are generally okay with that as they have relationships of their own.

In the long run, however, letting go of your friends will only lead you to being less independent in your relationship because you no longer have anyone else to play with. So, you spend all of your time with your partner, often, perhaps, doing what they want to do.

#3 – Don’t do only what they want to do.

This is another important part of maintaining your independence in a relationship “Don’t always do what your partner wants to do.

Of course, it is okay to do some things that your partner wants to do. After all, sharing experiences is part of any healthy relationship. But, if you find yourself only doing things that they want to do or repeatedly doing things with them that you hate, you are going to be miserable.

A strong independent woman sets boundaries around activities and makes sure that she does want she wants to do and that her partner do them with her.

#4 – Set individual goals.

This is a key part to maintaining your independence in a relationship making sure that you have set goals for yourself, goals outside of your relationship.

Whether it’s goals around work, exercise, eating right, time with friends and family or fabulous places you want to travel, having something that you want to do that is just yours can give you a lot of confidence. And having more confidence in yourself will make you have a less anxious attachment style which is good for any relationship.

Of course, set goals as a couple too but make sure that you have a few of your own.

#5 – Stand up for yourself.

In any relationship, it is key that you present yourself as a strong, independent woman and that you do not let your partner walk all over you.

I have a client who is struggling in her relationship right now. Her partner isn’t happy with the level of attachment she has to him because it is a burden while he is trying to care for his girls. He had talked about taking a break and thinking things through. Instead of stepping up and advocating for herself and what she wanted, she sat there, frustrated and unengaged, and waited for him to make the call.

That frustrated him even more, because she was being passive aggressive, he felt, so he ultimately called for the break, upsetting my client in a big way.

#6 – Take time for yourself regularly.

 

I have a client who has one day a week that is her day. She and her husband have agreed that it is key to keeping her happy and satisified in their relationship and in her life.

She makes self care a priority, taking a walk or getting a body treatment. She takes time to write in her journal or read a good book. She spends time with friends. And, at the end of her day, her batteries are recharged. She is a better partner, less needy and presents herself as a confident woman, the one she knows she is her own person.

#7 – Keep your money separate.

I know that this one might seem weird, but I believe that keeping your money separate gives one an independence that they wouldn’t get if their money is combined.

Back in the day, my sister didn’t mingle her money when she married her husband. I thought she was crazy because how could she be in a healthy marriage if she wasn’t willing to share. What I saw over the years was that money gave her some independence. She was able to buy what she wanted and her partner wasn’t able to use her money in a way that caused conflict.

And, when they got divorced, dividing the money wasn’t an issue because it was all hers.

#8 ““ Take care of yourself.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a woman who will never be independent. Why? Because when we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t feel good about ourselves and when we don’t feel good about ourselves we turn to our partner for validation, because we can’t do it ourselves.

I am not saying get a gym membership and go on a diet. I am talking about taking walks, getting enough sleep, eating well, spending time with friends and family. Whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself you will be a better partner in your relationship.

#9 – Don’t rely on them for support.

I have a friend who, a few years back, was really struggling in her life. She had tried to commit suicide and was consumed with drinking and drugs. But, my friend is a tough woman and, with work, she got out of it. She got better and got married.

Unfortunately, a few years later she started having a tough time again and tried to commit suicide. This time, because she had her husband, she didn’t turn to herself to do the work she turned to him. And, what did that do? It only made things worse when her husband couldn’t support her in the way she needed him to.

Ultimately, they got divorced and she pulled herself together.

So, if you want to be independent in your relationship, make sure that you don’t rely on your partner for support but maintain your ability to take care of yourself if needs be.

Being independent in a relationship is a very attractive thing for people.

Knowing that your person loves and needs you but isn’t dependent on you for your care and validation is something that makes a relationship stronger.

So, even if you aren’t independent now, make an effort to be so going forward. Even if you can only do one or two things that I listed above, you will be on your way to being so and showing your partner, and yourself, that you can live well without them. If you know this, you will be much happier in your relationship, and your life!

 

Why Having An Affair at Work with a Married Man Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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The average worker spends about one third of their time at work—122  days a year, 8 hours a day. And this doesn’t include commuting time.

That is one third of their life spent away from friends, family and hobbies. One third of their life bonding with co-workers and one third of their lives most likely working under stressful conditions.

That is a lot of time. And that is why so many people find that their work lives take over their personal lives, often at the expense of families and friends.

A study done by Forbes found that one in five people surveyed have had an affair with a co-worker. That is 20 people out of every 100 people surveyed.

That is a big number.

When I researched these statistics, I found that almost every human resource study cautioned about the prevalence of these affairs and addressed the massive affect it has on business and on individuals.

If having a workplace affair isn’t destructive enough, being single and having a workplace affair with a married man can push things over the top. Over the top in a way that has the power to destroy lives.

I would like to share with you now why having an affair at work with a married man is a REALLY bad idea.

Perhaps if you are clear about what can happen, you might make a different decision about what you are considering doing!

#1 – It will affect your performance.

There is literally nothing more important than having excellent job performance.

With excellent job performance you get accolades, raises and promotions. You feel good about yourself and you are respected by your co-workers. You have confidence that you can do what needs to get done, no matter how difficult.

If you are reading this article, you are probably aware of how distracting an affair can be, even if it hasn’t been consummated. Time that you used to spend focusing on work is now spent in corners chatting with your person. Daydreaming about them instead of doing the tasks assigned to you. Sneaking out for lunches and meeting on the stairwell for a chat.

All of these things are fun and feel good but they are not good for your performance. And, if your job performance fails, you might just lose it and then where you will be?

#2 – It will affect your professional reputation.

I have a client who has been having an affair with a married man for a long time. They work in the same profession and, for a long time, they made it work. Until it didn’t.

A few years in, their affair became public. Every person they worked with knew about it. Their superiors got wind of it too and word about what they had been doing on the side started to spread out across the industry.

He was denied a well-earned promotion and had to eventually leave the industry. She stayed but was never looked at the same way again.

Granted, having an affair is not quite as taboo as it was back in the day but, know that, cheating on a spouse is something that could dramatically affect your reputation in your business world. Again, not a good thing!

#3 – It could lead you to leave your job.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man at work. They lived in different cities but they were constantly on Zoom calls with each other and their customers. They travelled for business and relished those times in their affair bubble.

Until his wife found out. And she went crazy.

She called my client, yelling at her for being a tramp. She threatened to call their bosses and expose what they had been doing. She told her to stay away from her husband, or else!

My client was left in an untenable position. She had to interact with her affair partner every day. They had to travel together or they wouldn’t make the sales they needed. She knew that if his wife reported the affair, she was the one who would get the blame, as women often do (that is a whole other blog topic). And he wasn’t letting her go still calling and telling her he loved her and asking her to meet.

Ultimately, my client had to leave a job that she loved and walk away from a potential raise and bonus that she had worked hard for.

All because she became involved in an affair with a married man at work. You can believe me she regrets it!

#4 – It won’t be easy to walk away.

One of the most important parts of getting over a love affair, whether it involves infidelity or not, is going no contact

It is almost impossible to let go of someone who you are still talking to, especially if the love is still there. I always encourage my clients to block their ex everywhere if they want to get on with their lives.

Unfortunately, if you are trying to get out of an affair that you are having with a married guy at work, you are going to have a really tough time cutting off contact with them.

Like my client above, she knew that the affair was over but he wasn’t willing to accept it. Because he had access to her through work, he was always there in front of her. She tried to act professionally and keep him at arm’s length but he led her down a path that she no longer wanted to go.

She ultimately had to leave her job so that she could get the no contact that she needed and find the love that she wanted.

#5 – It will be harder to keep it secret.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. They were both stay-at-home parents and it was easy to find time to be together. The hours that the kids were at school, the play dates they would do together, running into each other at the grocery store. Their lives were somewhat conducive to their affair (which often happens).

Imagine if you are having an affair at work. You are surrounded by co-workers at least 8 hours a day, co-workers who know each other really well and who like to, like all co-workers, gossip.

If you are working side by side with your affair partner, the attraction might be incredibly obvious to others, even if you don’t think it is. And, if even one person gets verification that the affair is happening, before you know it, everyone will know.

You know how hard it is to keep any secrets at work. Why do you think that you could keep this one?

#6 – It could lead to a sexual harassment claim.

Back in the day when women first joined the workplace and affairs became more common, sexual harassment pretty much didn’t exist.

Whether it was a man who seduced his secretary or co-workers who started an affair or even people who were just being sexually inappropriate, sexual relationships between men and women at work were basically ignored.

There was no social taboo life there is today in fact, work place affairs were often considered sexy and exciting and, for many women, just a part of what they had to deal with as part of the workplace.

Things aren’t this way now. Now, whether you are a man or a woman, if you are caught up in a sexual relationship with anyone in your office, you open yourself up to a sexual harassment suit.

Sexual harassment, for those who don’t know, is defined as: behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.

Sexual harassment claims are usually filed by women but it has happened that men will file a claim too, especially if they are having an affair with a superior or if they try to break things off and aren’t allowed to.

So, if there is one reason to avoid having an affair with a married man at work it’s to avoid a very messy, and potentially expensive, sexual harassment suit.

#7 – It could lead to favoritism.

Ideally, if they must occur, workplace affairs would take place only between co-workers. Their status in the company would be equal, must like they would be in the real world.

If they were equals, there would be no challenging power dynamic that might exist between a superior and their employee, one in which there might be an opportunity for a manager to display favoritism, something that could be the kiss of death for anyone’s career.

Unfortunately, more often than not, there is a power dynamic at play in a workplace relationship which can, no matter how careful one is, lead to favoritism.

Think about a real world romance. Isn’t that person your priority? Don’t you choose them first to do fun things with? Don’t you give them the best seat in the house or give them small tokens of your affection? Don’t you do those things without even thinking about them?

Well, unless you are very careful, those tendencies that you have, to be a giver in a relationship, will show up in the workplace. And there is nothing worse for an employee than being conceived of as a superior’s favorite.

If their co-workers believe that the reasons that they are having successes or getting the best opportunities are because the boss wants it to happen not because of their work efforts or ethic, someone’s career can fall apart quickly. So, know that, no matter how hard you try, not playing favorites with a subordinate affair partner will be almost impossible.

#8 – It could create conflict with co-workers.

We often spend more time with our co-workers then we do with our families and they are a big part of our quality of life. They are important to us not only professionally but personally and socially. Having friendships at work makes it a better place. Conversely, having an enemy at work can make things really bad.

As I said above, having an affair at work will almost guarantee that you will create conflict with your co-workers. It might not happen at first but as time goes on, it will.

They will see you being opaque with your activities or making time for one co-worker in particular. They might see you getting more opportunities for advancement and they might see that you aren’t doing your job well. All of those things will affect your co-workers in different ways, none of them positive.

So, look around. Imagine if your co-workers found out what was going on. Would they be happy? I am guessing not.

#9 – It could destroy your life.

If I haven’t already made it clear to you how much having an affair with a married man at work is a terrible idea, let me summarize.

Having an affair with a married man at work could make your work suffer. It could damage your relationship with your co-workers. You could be denied opportunities because of fear of favoritism. You might have to leave a job that you love and that you are good at, just to get away from your affair partner. You could lose your reputation in your industry and might find it difficult to get the recommendations that you need should you move on.

Most importantly, you might lose the financial resources that you need to keep yourself fed and clothed—not something anyone wants.

So there you might be, no job, reputation ruined and a difficult road ahead professionally, all because you couldn’t resist the advances of a man you had no business getting involved with in the first place.

Know this having an affair with a married man, especially one at work, has the potential to make your life very messy.

So there you go why having an affair at work with a married man is a really bad idea.

I know that you think that this guy is  your soulmate but I can promise you that he isn’t. He is a married man who is looking for someone to make him feel better about his pathetic life and who has chosen you for that role. A role that benefits him in every way but that could make your life a living hell.

There are lots of great guys in the world. Shut down this guy at work and go out and find someone who is fully available. You just might get your happily ever after if you do!

What Kills Long-distance Relationships and How To Keep Yours From Dying

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When I was in in college, I spent a summer in Australia. There I met a to-die-for guy, someone who I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I was living in Vermont and he was living in Australia. That is quite a distance.

We promised to try to make it work and it did for a time. But, ultimately, we were just too far away from each other and it, unfortunately, died a slow death.

Many people tell me that, in this day of being always connected, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work. And I do agree. Being able to Facetime and text and share pictures on social media does make it easier to stay connected to someone you love who is far away.

BUT, just because you can keep in contact, doesn’t mean that a long distance relationship will definitely work. Of course, they do and can but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it will be easy.

Below is a list of what kills long-distance relationships and how to keep yours from dying so that you can know what you are getting into if you are choosing to be a part of one!

#1 – Jealousy.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive elements of any romantic relationship. Jealousy about a partner’s ex, their friends, their family, anyone who can take their time and efforts away from you.

Of course, every relationship isn’t affected by jealousy but long distance ones can be more vulnerable to its toxic effects.

Why? Because your long-distance partner will be spending way more time with other people then they will be with you. Dinners and movies out, weekends spent with friends, visits from family, all are things that your partner might be experiencing without you. And that doesn’t feel good.

So, be aware that wretched jealousy might rear its ugly head and damage your relationship. Being honest with your partner about how you feel about how they spend their time will go a long way to preventing jealousy that might kill your relationship.

A woman with long hair is posing for the camera.

#2 – Lack of effort.

This is a big one. Nothing kills long-distance relationships more than lack of effort.

To make a long distance relationship work, everyone needs to be willing to make a huge effort. An effort to stay in touch. An effort to minimize jealousy. And effort to travel often. An effort to use words of affirmation to make sure their partner knows how they are feeling. Doing the small things that can make someone feel loved.

Of course, it’s important to do these things when you are in every relationship but it is even more so when you are in a long-distance relationship because it is easy to feel disconnected because of how far away you are from each other.

So, what have you done today to make your person feel loved and connected to you? To help them feel confident around your feelings and hopes for the future.

If the answer is nothing, what can you do? Whatever it is, do it now. Help your person feel loved. It will keep your relationship from dying a slow death because of distance.

#3 – Uneven feelings.

This is a really tough one.

I have a client who reconnected with a college beau when she was home visiting her parents. They were separated back in the day when they went in different directions after college but they rediscovered their feelings really quickly. They had a lovely week together and then he headed back to California.

After he left, she told me that she was determined to make the relationship work this time around. She had always regretted letting him go and now that he was back, she wanted to make it work.

She kept in touch regularly by text and talked to him about traveling from Maine to California so that they could spend some time together.

At first, he was receptive to keeping in contact with her and was willing to talk about a potential trip. But, as time went on, he stopped texting so much and made up lots of excuses for her to postpone her trip.

She had a sense that he was pulling back and that made her lean in all the more but all the leaning in in the world couldn’t prevent the relationship from falling apart. Sure, he cared about her, but not enough to make the effort to make a potential relationship work.

So, if you feel like the interest in making this long distance relationship work isn’t even, don’t even try to make it work. Say good bye to your person now, before someone is hurt.

#4 – Horniness.

Yep. This is a pretty important, and obvious, one. People who are in long distance relationship get horny. They just do.

They aren’t having sex with the person they want to have sex with and they aren’t having any at all. And that is not okay, for men especially.

Of course, it is possible to have phone sex, which can be lovely, but it is not the same thing.

The easiest fix to horniness is to travel to see each other. To meet someone to fill up the sex bank, to keep you going until you see each other again. I know that that is not always easy but it important that you try do so. Otherwise, your relationship just might not survive the distance.

#5 – Impatience.

We are all impatient. It is just part of human nature. We want what we want and we want it right now.

With a long-distance relationship, you get very little right now.

You want to see your person. Nope, not now. You want to do things with your person. Nope, not now. You want to explore what it might look like to live together. Nope, not now.

‘Not now’ is the name of the game, every day.

Lots of people wonder if it’s selfish to not want a long-distance relationship for just this reason. They want to be in a relationship with someone they can wake up next to, to go out on a date with, to build a relationship together. Having a long distance relationship makes this impossible. It’s all about waiting until you are together and making the most of that time, and that can be frustrating.

So, if you are thinking about getting into a long distance relationship, know that you are going to have to be very, very patient to make it work.

A woman standing in front of a building.

#6 – No hope for the future.

One of the biggest killers of a long distance relationship is the long game. It is knowing whether or not the time will come that you will ever be together.

What do I mean by the long game? I mean, is there a time, in the future, when you will be together, in the same place, or does the prospect of the long-distance relationship see no end in sight?

Anyone who watches reality TV dating shows knows that this is the killer of most relationships that are formed on these shows. The shows draw people from all over the world and, more often then not, love bonds are created between people who live states, or continents, apart. While they try to make things work after the cameras stop rolling, realizing that moving is not an optoin, ultimately kills the relationship.

No one wants to break up, but it’s just too hard to make it work.

So, if you are in a long-distance relationship, ask yourself if there is an end in sight or if this situation is going to continue in perpetuity and whether or not either choice is okay with you!

#7 – Lack of communication.

People who are in long distance relationship often care about each other very much. I mean, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be trying to make it work.

Unfortunately, this deep caring can lead to a lack of communication because both people do not want to cause the other any pain, something long-distance relationships can be very vulnerable to.

Perhaps they don’t tell their person how they are feeling about something their partner did that hurt them. Perhaps they aren’t good at sharing their feelings with their partner or forget to send them flowers on a special occasion.

Perhaps they are making plans to travel to see them but don’t share that they are. Perhaps they just forget that they were supposed to address a serious topic that had been put on hold for another conversation.

Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt their person or because they aren’t good communicators or because they just don’t want to communicate at all, this lack of communication can be a long-distance relationship killer.

I have a client whose partner was forced to move away for a few months because he was struggling financially. He didn’t tell her he was planning to do this, he just announced it one day.

She was angry. She hadn’t signed up for a long-distance relationship and was angry that he hadn’t told her about what he was considering.

Even worse, when he moved, he shut down talking to her. He told her he was too depressed to talk some days. He didn’t share any efforts that he was making to come back. He was impatient with her for trying to talk about these things. He didn’t want to hurt her because he wasn’t making any progress so he always changed the subject.

Ultimately, my client said no more and walked away. This lack of communication about a life that she thought they were building together killed everything for her.

Interestingly, my client’s parter was shocked. He didn’t know that what he was doing, not talking about difficult subjects, had caused her so much pain. He was just trying to protect her and not drive her away. And yet he did just that.

#8 – Cheating.

Cheating can destroy any relationship and even more so a long-distance relationship.

Infidelity is often the result of lack of communication. It is about becoming disconnected from someone. Its about the lack of intimacy. It is about pretty much everything that is a given in a long-distance relationship.

As a result, cheating is something that can happen pretty organically.

Why? Because everything that we want in a relationship is right at our fingers. We don’t need to long to see our partner, to stay up late at nights talking on the phone, wondering when we are going to see our person again.

Instead, someone else is right there in front of them, someone they can touch and smell and look at in the eye. Cheating, with an absence of these things from an existing romantic partner, can be irresistible.

The key to preventing cheating is communication. Usually, for someone to cheat, it is the result of weeks or months of becoming disconnected, of not having sex, of being impatient for things to move forward. Instead of letting these issues lead you to cheating on your person, talk with them about how you are feeling. Figure out how you can resolve these issues and keep your relationship together.

After all, cheating is unacceptable and a very painful way to leave a relationship, or, even worse, something that can be very hard to come back from if one stays.

#9 – The high cost of travel.

This last that that can kill a long-distance relationship is pretty straight forward and, unfortunately, something that you can do very little about.

In 2023, travel costs are higher than they have been in years. Airfare is through the roof and hotel rooms are 30% more expensive then in 2019. Millions of people want to travel after Covid-19 so it can be difficult to make travel plans, no matter how small.

Being in a long-distance relationship has always been very expensive because of the things that must be done to keep you connected and the high price of travelling in 2023 makes it even more so, perhaps so much more that travel is just not possible.

I know it is hard to consider the high cost of anything to keep a relationship working but, in this case, the very thing that is necessary to make one work just might not be accessible to you which might, I am afraid, kill your relationship, even if everything else is going great.

A plane is on the runway at night.

Knowing what kills long distance relationships is important to understand before you embark on one.

We all just want to love and be loved and are willing to make the sacrifice of distance from their loved one to make that love work.

And long-distance relationships can work and they do everyday. But they are full of obstacles, obstacles that being aware of is the key to navigating.

So, read this article with your partner. See if you are both on board with making things work as you decide whether or not a long-distance relationship is right for you.

You do not want to waste time if you aren’t both all in. After all, any moment that we waste in our search for love puts off finding the real thing that much further away.

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