10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

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10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Being happily married is the dream for most people. The idea of having a spouse to share their lives with and love unconditionally is why there are internet dating sites and relationship coaches. When we are lucky enough to get one, we are happy.

Unfortunately, what often happens in long-term marriages is that we start taking each other for granted and, even worse, the appearance of contempt of the familiar. We might still love each other but we might no longer appreciate each other.

It is important that, if this has happened in your marriage, to nip it in the bud. The best way to do that? To dig deep, reconnect with what you love about your person and show your spouse gratitude for their existence in your life.

How do you show your spouse gratitude? Let me share.

#1 – Tell them how they make you feel.

When we are first in a relationship with someone, when feelings are developing and love ultimately comes, we are very good at sharing our feelings with someone. It is all so new and fresh and we want to shout our feelings from the rooftops.

However, when we are in a marriage, we can stop being verbal with our partner about how we are feeling.

This happens especially, I have learned in my work, with men. I often ask my male clients how often they tell their wives they love them (outside of the standard ‘I love you’ when hanging up the phone). The answer I usually get is ‘I don’t need to tell her – she knows.’

Well, let me tell you – she might not know.

Men are probably worse at telling their spouses they love them because they are not experts at communication like women are. And that is okay. But it’s important for everyone to strengthen that communication muscle so that we can express our feelings for our spouse and make them feel our gratitude that we have them in our lives.

#2 – Compliment them.

When your spouse walks into the room, do you notice them? Do you notice if they took particular care getting ready or if they are dirty from the garden but looking cute? And, if you do notice them, do you tell them that you like what you see?

Again, as we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge that we like what we see. But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know that you still find them as hot/cute/sexy as you did in the beginning.

#3 – Get involved with what they like to do.

When my husband and I were first dating, I used to get involved in his car projects.  He is renovating an old Ford truck and I would get out in the garage and get dirty and greasy with him. I genuinely enjoyed doing this and it was a fun thing that we did together.

Now, however, six years later, you will rarely find me in the garage working on his cars with him, something that he does every weekend. And, that I don’t do that hasn’t caused him any resentment but, whenever I do offer to spend a few hours with him, he is so happy. So, I do it occasionally and we always enjoy our time together!

#4 – Make them a priority.

This is another way to make sure that your spouse knows that you are grateful they are in your life – making them a priority.

Life is crazy busy with kids, work, hobbies, and extended family, and for some reason, it is usually the spouses who get relegated to the back of the line. I think that this is because we assume that they are okay with that and that we believe that they will always be there when we have time for them.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My ex-husband left me because, among other reasons, he was at the back of my priority line. With my new husband, he is much closer to the top of my priority list and sometimes even at the top. And he really appreciates this, and it feels really good for me to feel his appreciation and only makes me want to do it more often.

#5- Help them with something difficult.

My husband is building a boat shed for his Ford car project. It looks like an upside-down hull (hence the name), and it is not an easy project. Because it’s hard to get skilled labor these days, he is building it himself. It is not an easy job, so every weekend, I am out there helping him build it.

It is actually quite fun for me. I am up on 10 ft ladders, drilling in bolts. I am digging up sod. I am holding the other end of arches that are hard to manage. At the end of the day I am tired and maybe sore but it has been a lovely day, being outside with him, helping him build something that is very meaningful to him.

married couple having fun

#6 – Learn their love language.

An essential part of showing gratitude for your spouse is to learn their love language.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with love languages, it works like this. Each person has one of four things that make them feel loved – quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift giving.

The rub is if we don’t know our spouse’s love language, we won’t know what to do to make them feel loved. And if we don’t know their love language, we will probably try to make them feel loved with what we need to feel loved.

An example of this is, let’s say that you feel wonderful when you are being hugged or holding hands. This means that one of your love languages is physical touch. Great. You can encourage your spouse to give you hugs often. But let’s say your spouse’s love language is not physical touch but quality time; what is most important to them is that they get quality time with you. This, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.

So, if you want your spouse to know how much you appreciate them being in your life, learn their love language and make them feel loved.

#7 – Be thankful for them in your head.

Yes, we can be outwardly appreciative of our spouses and that is good. But, it is also really important that we are thankful for them in our head. Why? Because we want our gratitude to be genuine.

Of course, our spouses can drive us crazy sometimes, maybe even often, but, focusing on the bad stuff in your mind and putting the good stuff to the side won’t help you feel good about your spouse – it will only make you resent them.

So, make an effort to catalog those good things that your partner does, and stay in touch with how you feel about them, so that you can show your spouse gratitude authentically.

#8 – Respect their wishes.

If your partner asks you to do something or to support him doing something that he wants to do, to show your spouse gratitude it is important that you respect their wishes.

If something is important enough to someone that they present it to a spouse then that means that their need is significant. If you just write off something they want to do, they definitely won’t feel loved.

This holds true for behaviors as well. If your husband asks that you not get angry with him so quickly, work hard to do so. If he annoys you, take a deep breath and stay calm. If your wife asks that you make it home on time for family dinner, make every effort to do so.

#9 – Say Thank You.

So many husbands tell me that their wives never thank them for what they do. They say that they go out of their way sometimes to do something nice for them only to be met with silence. The same holds with women who feel like they aren’t appreciated for everything that they do to keep the home front running smoothly.

It is important that we recognize the things that our spouses do for us with a Thank you. After all, how difficult is it to do so?

#10 – Do not take them for granted.

Finally, the key way to show your spouse how much you appreciate them is to not take them for granted and make sure that they know you don’t.

It is so easy to start taking a spouse for granted. After all, we have sworn to love and cherish each other forever so they can’t leave. Right? Unfortunately, they can. I know that another reason my ex-husband left is because I know longer gave him respect that he deserved and that I believed that, no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. Nope that didn’t work out!

Showing your spouse gratitude is something that we don’t do naturally but we should make every effort to do so.

Marriages are hard and long and it can be easy to disconnect from someone you love. But, if you can make an effort to let them know regularly that you see them, that you appreciate them and that you want to be with them it will go a long way towards keeping you connected and your marriage strong.

You can do it!

9 Ways to Be Independent in a Relationship So That You Don’t Lose Yourself In It

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If there is a common thread between many of my clients it’s that they find it hard to be independent in a relationship and, as a result, their relationships are struggling and they reach out to me.

At the beginning of any relationship, we are our own person. We have friends, hobbies, family etc. Once we get into a relationship, things change. We have a partner, one we want to spend all of our time with (especially if we have an insecure attachment style) and we often lose ourselves in them.

And this, I am afraid, can be a death knell for any relationship.

How do you be independent in a relationship? Let me share!

#1 – Be who you really are.

This is the key to a healthy relationship and one of independence “From the very beginning, be who you are.

I have a client who is never herself when she gets into a relationship. She is an incredibly anxious person and she has a very strong insecure attachment style. The men she is dating would never know it with how chill she acts. Unfortunately, once they fall in love with her, her true manners come out and they are left confused, wondering where is the person they fell in love with

If you aren’t yourself in a relationship, you are going to find yourself needing more and more connection in it because you don’t feel good about yourself and need validation from your partner. This will only take away from being independent in a relationship which could lead to the end of the relationship.

#2 – Don’t drop your friends.

You need your friends. I promise you. You need your friends, especially if things go awry in your relationship.

Often times, the first thing to go in a relationship are friendships. It’s not something that is done consciously it’s just the more time we spend with our partners, the less time we have with our friends. And our friends are generally okay with that as they have relationships of their own.

In the long run, however, letting go of your friends will only lead you to being less independent in your relationship because you no longer have anyone else to play with. So, you spend all of your time with your partner, often, perhaps, doing what they want to do.

#3 – Don’t do only what they want to do.

This is another important part of maintaining your independence in a relationship “Don’t always do what your partner wants to do.

Of course, it is okay to do some things that your partner wants to do. After all, sharing experiences is part of any healthy relationship. But, if you find yourself only doing things that they want to do or repeatedly doing things with them that you hate, you are going to be miserable.

A strong independent woman sets boundaries around activities and makes sure that she does want she wants to do and that her partner do them with her.

#4 – Set individual goals.

This is a key part to maintaining your independence in a relationship making sure that you have set goals for yourself, goals outside of your relationship.

Whether it’s goals around work, exercise, eating right, time with friends and family or fabulous places you want to travel, having something that you want to do that is just yours can give you a lot of confidence. And having more confidence in yourself will make you have a less anxious attachment style which is good for any relationship.

Of course, set goals as a couple too but make sure that you have a few of your own.

#5 – Stand up for yourself.

In any relationship, it is key that you present yourself as a strong, independent woman and that you do not let your partner walk all over you.

I have a client who is struggling in her relationship right now. Her partner isn’t happy with the level of attachment she has to him because it is a burden while he is trying to care for his girls. He had talked about taking a break and thinking things through. Instead of stepping up and advocating for herself and what she wanted, she sat there, frustrated and unengaged, and waited for him to make the call.

That frustrated him even more, because she was being passive aggressive, he felt, so he ultimately called for the break, upsetting my client in a big way.

#6 – Take time for yourself regularly.

 

I have a client who has one day a week that is her day. She and her husband have agreed that it is key to keeping her happy and satisified in their relationship and in her life.

She makes self care a priority, taking a walk or getting a body treatment. She takes time to write in her journal or read a good book. She spends time with friends. And, at the end of her day, her batteries are recharged. She is a better partner, less needy and presents herself as a confident woman, the one she knows she is her own person.

#7 – Keep your money separate.

I know that this one might seem weird, but I believe that keeping your money separate gives one an independence that they wouldn’t get if their money is combined.

Back in the day, my sister didn’t mingle her money when she married her husband. I thought she was crazy because how could she be in a healthy marriage if she wasn’t willing to share. What I saw over the years was that money gave her some independence. She was able to buy what she wanted and her partner wasn’t able to use her money in a way that caused conflict.

And, when they got divorced, dividing the money wasn’t an issue because it was all hers.

#8 ““ Take care of yourself.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a woman who will never be independent. Why? Because when we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t feel good about ourselves and when we don’t feel good about ourselves we turn to our partner for validation, because we can’t do it ourselves.

I am not saying get a gym membership and go on a diet. I am talking about taking walks, getting enough sleep, eating well, spending time with friends and family. Whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself you will be a better partner in your relationship.

#9 – Don’t rely on them for support.

I have a friend who, a few years back, was really struggling in her life. She had tried to commit suicide and was consumed with drinking and drugs. But, my friend is a tough woman and, with work, she got out of it. She got better and got married.

Unfortunately, a few years later she started having a tough time again and tried to commit suicide. This time, because she had her husband, she didn’t turn to herself to do the work she turned to him. And, what did that do? It only made things worse when her husband couldn’t support her in the way she needed him to.

Ultimately, they got divorced and she pulled herself together.

So, if you want to be independent in your relationship, make sure that you don’t rely on your partner for support but maintain your ability to take care of yourself if needs be.

Being independent in a relationship is a very attractive thing for people.

Knowing that your person loves and needs you but isn’t dependent on you for your care and validation is something that makes a relationship stronger.

So, even if you aren’t independent now, make an effort to be so going forward. Even if you can only do one or two things that I listed above, you will be on your way to being so and showing your partner, and yourself, that you can live well without them. If you know this, you will be much happier in your relationship, and your life!

 

Why Having An Affair at Work with a Married Man Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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The average worker spends about one third of their time at work—122  days a year, 8 hours a day. And this doesn’t include commuting time.

That is one third of their life spent away from friends, family and hobbies. One third of their life bonding with co-workers and one third of their lives most likely working under stressful conditions.

That is a lot of time. And that is why so many people find that their work lives take over their personal lives, often at the expense of families and friends.

A study done by Forbes found that one in five people surveyed have had an affair with a co-worker. That is 20 people out of every 100 people surveyed.

That is a big number.

When I researched these statistics, I found that almost every human resource study cautioned about the prevalence of these affairs and addressed the massive affect it has on business and on individuals.

If having a workplace affair isn’t destructive enough, being single and having a workplace affair with a married man can push things over the top. Over the top in a way that has the power to destroy lives.

I would like to share with you now why having an affair at work with a married man is a REALLY bad idea.

Perhaps if you are clear about what can happen, you might make a different decision about what you are considering doing!

#1 – It will affect your performance.

There is literally nothing more important than having excellent job performance.

With excellent job performance you get accolades, raises and promotions. You feel good about yourself and you are respected by your co-workers. You have confidence that you can do what needs to get done, no matter how difficult.

If you are reading this article, you are probably aware of how distracting an affair can be, even if it hasn’t been consummated. Time that you used to spend focusing on work is now spent in corners chatting with your person. Daydreaming about them instead of doing the tasks assigned to you. Sneaking out for lunches and meeting on the stairwell for a chat.

All of these things are fun and feel good but they are not good for your performance. And, if your job performance fails, you might just lose it and then where you will be?

#2 – It will affect your professional reputation.

I have a client who has been having an affair with a married man for a long time. They work in the same profession and, for a long time, they made it work. Until it didn’t.

A few years in, their affair became public. Every person they worked with knew about it. Their superiors got wind of it too and word about what they had been doing on the side started to spread out across the industry.

He was denied a well-earned promotion and had to eventually leave the industry. She stayed but was never looked at the same way again.

Granted, having an affair is not quite as taboo as it was back in the day but, know that, cheating on a spouse is something that could dramatically affect your reputation in your business world. Again, not a good thing!

#3 – It could lead you to leave your job.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man at work. They lived in different cities but they were constantly on Zoom calls with each other and their customers. They travelled for business and relished those times in their affair bubble.

Until his wife found out. And she went crazy.

She called my client, yelling at her for being a tramp. She threatened to call their bosses and expose what they had been doing. She told her to stay away from her husband, or else!

My client was left in an untenable position. She had to interact with her affair partner every day. They had to travel together or they wouldn’t make the sales they needed. She knew that if his wife reported the affair, she was the one who would get the blame, as women often do (that is a whole other blog topic). And he wasn’t letting her go still calling and telling her he loved her and asking her to meet.

Ultimately, my client had to leave a job that she loved and walk away from a potential raise and bonus that she had worked hard for.

All because she became involved in an affair with a married man at work. You can believe me she regrets it!

#4 – It won’t be easy to walk away.

One of the most important parts of getting over a love affair, whether it involves infidelity or not, is going no contact

It is almost impossible to let go of someone who you are still talking to, especially if the love is still there. I always encourage my clients to block their ex everywhere if they want to get on with their lives.

Unfortunately, if you are trying to get out of an affair that you are having with a married guy at work, you are going to have a really tough time cutting off contact with them.

Like my client above, she knew that the affair was over but he wasn’t willing to accept it. Because he had access to her through work, he was always there in front of her. She tried to act professionally and keep him at arm’s length but he led her down a path that she no longer wanted to go.

She ultimately had to leave her job so that she could get the no contact that she needed and find the love that she wanted.

#5 – It will be harder to keep it secret.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. They were both stay-at-home parents and it was easy to find time to be together. The hours that the kids were at school, the play dates they would do together, running into each other at the grocery store. Their lives were somewhat conducive to their affair (which often happens).

Imagine if you are having an affair at work. You are surrounded by co-workers at least 8 hours a day, co-workers who know each other really well and who like to, like all co-workers, gossip.

If you are working side by side with your affair partner, the attraction might be incredibly obvious to others, even if you don’t think it is. And, if even one person gets verification that the affair is happening, before you know it, everyone will know.

You know how hard it is to keep any secrets at work. Why do you think that you could keep this one?

#6 – It could lead to a sexual harassment claim.

Back in the day when women first joined the workplace and affairs became more common, sexual harassment pretty much didn’t exist.

Whether it was a man who seduced his secretary or co-workers who started an affair or even people who were just being sexually inappropriate, sexual relationships between men and women at work were basically ignored.

There was no social taboo life there is today in fact, work place affairs were often considered sexy and exciting and, for many women, just a part of what they had to deal with as part of the workplace.

Things aren’t this way now. Now, whether you are a man or a woman, if you are caught up in a sexual relationship with anyone in your office, you open yourself up to a sexual harassment suit.

Sexual harassment, for those who don’t know, is defined as: behavior characterized by the making of unwelcome and inappropriate sexual remarks or physical advances in a workplace or other professional or social situation.

Sexual harassment claims are usually filed by women but it has happened that men will file a claim too, especially if they are having an affair with a superior or if they try to break things off and aren’t allowed to.

So, if there is one reason to avoid having an affair with a married man at work it’s to avoid a very messy, and potentially expensive, sexual harassment suit.

#7 – It could lead to favoritism.

Ideally, if they must occur, workplace affairs would take place only between co-workers. Their status in the company would be equal, must like they would be in the real world.

If they were equals, there would be no challenging power dynamic that might exist between a superior and their employee, one in which there might be an opportunity for a manager to display favoritism, something that could be the kiss of death for anyone’s career.

Unfortunately, more often than not, there is a power dynamic at play in a workplace relationship which can, no matter how careful one is, lead to favoritism.

Think about a real world romance. Isn’t that person your priority? Don’t you choose them first to do fun things with? Don’t you give them the best seat in the house or give them small tokens of your affection? Don’t you do those things without even thinking about them?

Well, unless you are very careful, those tendencies that you have, to be a giver in a relationship, will show up in the workplace. And there is nothing worse for an employee than being conceived of as a superior’s favorite.

If their co-workers believe that the reasons that they are having successes or getting the best opportunities are because the boss wants it to happen not because of their work efforts or ethic, someone’s career can fall apart quickly. So, know that, no matter how hard you try, not playing favorites with a subordinate affair partner will be almost impossible.

#8 – It could create conflict with co-workers.

We often spend more time with our co-workers then we do with our families and they are a big part of our quality of life. They are important to us not only professionally but personally and socially. Having friendships at work makes it a better place. Conversely, having an enemy at work can make things really bad.

As I said above, having an affair at work will almost guarantee that you will create conflict with your co-workers. It might not happen at first but as time goes on, it will.

They will see you being opaque with your activities or making time for one co-worker in particular. They might see you getting more opportunities for advancement and they might see that you aren’t doing your job well. All of those things will affect your co-workers in different ways, none of them positive.

So, look around. Imagine if your co-workers found out what was going on. Would they be happy? I am guessing not.

#9 – It could destroy your life.

If I haven’t already made it clear to you how much having an affair with a married man at work is a terrible idea, let me summarize.

Having an affair with a married man at work could make your work suffer. It could damage your relationship with your co-workers. You could be denied opportunities because of fear of favoritism. You might have to leave a job that you love and that you are good at, just to get away from your affair partner. You could lose your reputation in your industry and might find it difficult to get the recommendations that you need should you move on.

Most importantly, you might lose the financial resources that you need to keep yourself fed and clothed—not something anyone wants.

So there you might be, no job, reputation ruined and a difficult road ahead professionally, all because you couldn’t resist the advances of a man you had no business getting involved with in the first place.

Know this having an affair with a married man, especially one at work, has the potential to make your life very messy.

So there you go why having an affair at work with a married man is a really bad idea.

I know that you think that this guy is  your soulmate but I can promise you that he isn’t. He is a married man who is looking for someone to make him feel better about his pathetic life and who has chosen you for that role. A role that benefits him in every way but that could make your life a living hell.

There are lots of great guys in the world. Shut down this guy at work and go out and find someone who is fully available. You just might get your happily ever after if you do!

What Kills Long-distance Relationships and How To Keep Yours From Dying

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When I was in in college, I spent a summer in Australia. There I met a to-die-for guy, someone who I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I was living in Vermont and he was living in Australia. That is quite a distance.

We promised to try to make it work and it did for a time. But, ultimately, we were just too far away from each other and it, unfortunately, died a slow death.

Many people tell me that, in this day of being always connected, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work. And I do agree. Being able to Facetime and text and share pictures on social media does make it easier to stay connected to someone you love who is far away.

BUT, just because you can keep in contact, doesn’t mean that a long distance relationship will definitely work. Of course, they do and can but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it will be easy.

Below is a list of what kills long-distance relationships and how to keep yours from dying so that you can know what you are getting into if you are choosing to be a part of one!

#1 – Jealousy.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive elements of any romantic relationship. Jealousy about a partner’s ex, their friends, their family, anyone who can take their time and efforts away from you.

Of course, every relationship isn’t affected by jealousy but long distance ones can be more vulnerable to its toxic effects.

Why? Because your long-distance partner will be spending way more time with other people then they will be with you. Dinners and movies out, weekends spent with friends, visits from family, all are things that your partner might be experiencing without you. And that doesn’t feel good.

So, be aware that wretched jealousy might rear its ugly head and damage your relationship. Being honest with your partner about how you feel about how they spend their time will go a long way to preventing jealousy that might kill your relationship.

A woman with long hair is posing for the camera.

#2 – Lack of effort.

This is a big one. Nothing kills long-distance relationships more than lack of effort.

To make a long distance relationship work, everyone needs to be willing to make a huge effort. An effort to stay in touch. An effort to minimize jealousy. And effort to travel often. An effort to use words of affirmation to make sure their partner knows how they are feeling. Doing the small things that can make someone feel loved.

Of course, it’s important to do these things when you are in every relationship but it is even more so when you are in a long-distance relationship because it is easy to feel disconnected because of how far away you are from each other.

So, what have you done today to make your person feel loved and connected to you? To help them feel confident around your feelings and hopes for the future.

If the answer is nothing, what can you do? Whatever it is, do it now. Help your person feel loved. It will keep your relationship from dying a slow death because of distance.

#3 – Uneven feelings.

This is a really tough one.

I have a client who reconnected with a college beau when she was home visiting her parents. They were separated back in the day when they went in different directions after college but they rediscovered their feelings really quickly. They had a lovely week together and then he headed back to California.

After he left, she told me that she was determined to make the relationship work this time around. She had always regretted letting him go and now that he was back, she wanted to make it work.

She kept in touch regularly by text and talked to him about traveling from Maine to California so that they could spend some time together.

At first, he was receptive to keeping in contact with her and was willing to talk about a potential trip. But, as time went on, he stopped texting so much and made up lots of excuses for her to postpone her trip.

She had a sense that he was pulling back and that made her lean in all the more but all the leaning in in the world couldn’t prevent the relationship from falling apart. Sure, he cared about her, but not enough to make the effort to make a potential relationship work.

So, if you feel like the interest in making this long distance relationship work isn’t even, don’t even try to make it work. Say good bye to your person now, before someone is hurt.

#4 – Horniness.

Yep. This is a pretty important, and obvious, one. People who are in long distance relationship get horny. They just do.

They aren’t having sex with the person they want to have sex with and they aren’t having any at all. And that is not okay, for men especially.

Of course, it is possible to have phone sex, which can be lovely, but it is not the same thing.

The easiest fix to horniness is to travel to see each other. To meet someone to fill up the sex bank, to keep you going until you see each other again. I know that that is not always easy but it important that you try do so. Otherwise, your relationship just might not survive the distance.

#5 – Impatience.

We are all impatient. It is just part of human nature. We want what we want and we want it right now.

With a long-distance relationship, you get very little right now.

You want to see your person. Nope, not now. You want to do things with your person. Nope, not now. You want to explore what it might look like to live together. Nope, not now.

‘Not now’ is the name of the game, every day.

Lots of people wonder if it’s selfish to not want a long-distance relationship for just this reason. They want to be in a relationship with someone they can wake up next to, to go out on a date with, to build a relationship together. Having a long distance relationship makes this impossible. It’s all about waiting until you are together and making the most of that time, and that can be frustrating.

So, if you are thinking about getting into a long distance relationship, know that you are going to have to be very, very patient to make it work.

A woman standing in front of a building.

#6 – No hope for the future.

One of the biggest killers of a long distance relationship is the long game. It is knowing whether or not the time will come that you will ever be together.

What do I mean by the long game? I mean, is there a time, in the future, when you will be together, in the same place, or does the prospect of the long-distance relationship see no end in sight?

Anyone who watches reality TV dating shows knows that this is the killer of most relationships that are formed on these shows. The shows draw people from all over the world and, more often then not, love bonds are created between people who live states, or continents, apart. While they try to make things work after the cameras stop rolling, realizing that moving is not an optoin, ultimately kills the relationship.

No one wants to break up, but it’s just too hard to make it work.

So, if you are in a long-distance relationship, ask yourself if there is an end in sight or if this situation is going to continue in perpetuity and whether or not either choice is okay with you!

#7 – Lack of communication.

People who are in long distance relationship often care about each other very much. I mean, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be trying to make it work.

Unfortunately, this deep caring can lead to a lack of communication because both people do not want to cause the other any pain, something long-distance relationships can be very vulnerable to.

Perhaps they don’t tell their person how they are feeling about something their partner did that hurt them. Perhaps they aren’t good at sharing their feelings with their partner or forget to send them flowers on a special occasion.

Perhaps they are making plans to travel to see them but don’t share that they are. Perhaps they just forget that they were supposed to address a serious topic that had been put on hold for another conversation.

Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt their person or because they aren’t good communicators or because they just don’t want to communicate at all, this lack of communication can be a long-distance relationship killer.

I have a client whose partner was forced to move away for a few months because he was struggling financially. He didn’t tell her he was planning to do this, he just announced it one day.

She was angry. She hadn’t signed up for a long-distance relationship and was angry that he hadn’t told her about what he was considering.

Even worse, when he moved, he shut down talking to her. He told her he was too depressed to talk some days. He didn’t share any efforts that he was making to come back. He was impatient with her for trying to talk about these things. He didn’t want to hurt her because he wasn’t making any progress so he always changed the subject.

Ultimately, my client said no more and walked away. This lack of communication about a life that she thought they were building together killed everything for her.

Interestingly, my client’s parter was shocked. He didn’t know that what he was doing, not talking about difficult subjects, had caused her so much pain. He was just trying to protect her and not drive her away. And yet he did just that.

#8 – Cheating.

Cheating can destroy any relationship and even more so a long-distance relationship.

Infidelity is often the result of lack of communication. It is about becoming disconnected from someone. Its about the lack of intimacy. It is about pretty much everything that is a given in a long-distance relationship.

As a result, cheating is something that can happen pretty organically.

Why? Because everything that we want in a relationship is right at our fingers. We don’t need to long to see our partner, to stay up late at nights talking on the phone, wondering when we are going to see our person again.

Instead, someone else is right there in front of them, someone they can touch and smell and look at in the eye. Cheating, with an absence of these things from an existing romantic partner, can be irresistible.

The key to preventing cheating is communication. Usually, for someone to cheat, it is the result of weeks or months of becoming disconnected, of not having sex, of being impatient for things to move forward. Instead of letting these issues lead you to cheating on your person, talk with them about how you are feeling. Figure out how you can resolve these issues and keep your relationship together.

After all, cheating is unacceptable and a very painful way to leave a relationship, or, even worse, something that can be very hard to come back from if one stays.

#9 – The high cost of travel.

This last that that can kill a long-distance relationship is pretty straight forward and, unfortunately, something that you can do very little about.

In 2023, travel costs are higher than they have been in years. Airfare is through the roof and hotel rooms are 30% more expensive then in 2019. Millions of people want to travel after Covid-19 so it can be difficult to make travel plans, no matter how small.

Being in a long-distance relationship has always been very expensive because of the things that must be done to keep you connected and the high price of travelling in 2023 makes it even more so, perhaps so much more that travel is just not possible.

I know it is hard to consider the high cost of anything to keep a relationship working but, in this case, the very thing that is necessary to make one work just might not be accessible to you which might, I am afraid, kill your relationship, even if everything else is going great.

A plane is on the runway at night.

Knowing what kills long distance relationships is important to understand before you embark on one.

We all just want to love and be loved and are willing to make the sacrifice of distance from their loved one to make that love work.

And long-distance relationships can work and they do everyday. But they are full of obstacles, obstacles that being aware of is the key to navigating.

So, read this article with your partner. See if you are both on board with making things work as you decide whether or not a long-distance relationship is right for you.

You do not want to waste time if you aren’t both all in. After all, any moment that we waste in our search for love puts off finding the real thing that much further away.

How to Heal from a Toxic Relationship. 9 Things that Really Work.

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Ok, so you have gotten out of your toxic relationship. Well done! I am sure that it’s the hardest thing that you have ever had to do. You should be proud of yourself.

And now, here you are, probably a shell of who you used to be, feeling lonely, questioning your decision, feeling fearful of the future, unsure of next steps and afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

Let me help!

Every day, women heal from a toxic relationship and all of them felt just the way you do right now at one point. But they worked through those feelings and came out the other side, stronger than they were before, ready to finally live the life they have always wanted to live!

This can be you!

Let me share with you how to heal from a toxic relationship by sharing the nine steps that you must take to do so.

#1 – Set boundaries for yourself.

The first step in healing from a toxic relationship is to set boundaries for yourself.

Now that you gotten out, you are probably wondering what is next. If you don’t know what is next then you might get overwhelmed and go back to your ex.

Examples of boundaries might be:

  1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
  2. No looking for closure.
  3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
  4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
  5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

  1. Not rehashing old wounds.
  2. Keeping contact business-like.
  3. Minimizing physical contact

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#2 – Keep a list.

I find this an essential part of recovering from a toxic relationship keeping a list of all the reasons that you had to get out of the relationship.

The brain is an amazing thing it messes with us in ways that are beyond comprehension. One would think that our brain would support us in our efforts to get out of a situation that is bad for us, but no. What the brain does instead is forget all of the reasons why something isn’t good for us and tempts us with the things that were good.

I remember when I had finally escaped from a relationship that wasn’t good for me, my brain was messing with me. It was focusing on all that was good in the relationship and how good things might be if things changed. It was making me miss my guy and vulnerable to his reaching out.

One day I stumbled upon a list that I had made a few months back, one that detailed the things that he did to me that hurt me. There were things on that list that I had totally forgotten about.

I was so glad that I found that list because it reminded me of why I left. I kept that list by my computer, and added to it when I thought of something, as a reminder of why I suffered and why I shouldn’t go back!

A white book and pen on top of a wooden board.

#3 – Stick to no contact.

Bar none, this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do when you are healing from a toxic relationship. Go no contact with your ex.

This means blocking them on your phone and any apps that you share, avoiding seeing them when you are out in the world, not asking your friends and family how he is doing, whatever it takes to make sure that he can’t reach out to you.

Why is this so important? For two reasons. The first is that, when we get out of any relationship, being in touch with someone is how we get sucked back in. Hearing our ex’s voice, listening to their justifications and them telling you that things will change, all make us vulnerable to letting someone back in.

The second is that being in contact with someone will stop your healing in its tracks.

If you go a month without talking to your ex and you are starting to feel better, having contact with them will only set you back. Many people make this mistake“ they feel like they are strong this time around and so they reach out or take a call from their ex and then they go right back to where they were a month ago in pain.

So, for the sake of your healing and your potential happiness, go ‘no contact’ with your ex. It’s the key to healing from a toxic relationship.

#4 – Keep away from social media.

Part two of the no contact rule is to stay away from social media.

This means blocking, unfriending or unfollowing them any and everywhere and doing so right away.

Why? Because you stalking your ex, keeping tabs on where they are is not good for your healing. Even worse, if something comes across your feed that you weren’t expecting, it will cause you a tremendous amount of pain and that will set you back.

For some reason, this, and blocking someone, is the thing that my clients resist most, even more than seeing their ex in person. The addiction that we all have to social media, the fear of missing out, compels us to keep connected no matter what the cost.

Unfortunately, it is just this addiction that will hold us back from healing.

So did deep, find the strength to let them go on social media and accelerate your healing in a big way!

#5 – Take care of yourself.

Are you reading this article from your couch? Are you still in your pjs, having coffee and ice cream for breakfast? Have you not showered or left the house in days, too despondent to do so?

I get this. I have been there. But it is essential that you only do this for a short while longer and then you get off the couch and start taking care of yourself.

An important part of healing is eating well, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time with people who love you, focusing on things that make happy and not using brain bandwith on the past.

You don’t have to do these things all at once but, to heal, taking care of yourself is essential in the healing process.

After all, recovering from a toxic relationship will take some effort, effort that will be hard to make if you don’t have the strength to do so.

So, spend a few more days on the couch, if you need to, and then get up, shower and get yourself healthy again!

#6 – Do something new.

When we get into relationships, both good and bad, we tend to develop habits. In my marriage, we have a cocktail every night then dinner in front of the TV, bedtime at 10. We have pad thai on Fridays and go to the farmers market on Saturdays. We have a routine that works for us.

When we break up with someone, that routine is tossed to the side and the emptiness that is left can be incredibly hard to navigate. But you can do it.

If Thursday night was always about movies for you and your ex, make sure that you are out with your friends that night. Saturday mornings can be about getting out and going for a good long hike. Perhaps you make something that you and your ex never ate for dinner and watch it in front of a movie that he would never watch.

On a bigger scale, do something that you have always wanted to do but have not been able to do it. Travel somewhere exotic. Take up a new hobby. Make new friends. Something that will shift up your energy in a big way. Something that will help you wake up and see that life can be good. Something that will make you feel good about yourself.

Don’t spend your time wallowing in the past. The future is bright embrace it!

#7 – Surround yourself with loved ones.

When we are in toxic relationships, our relationships with people who love us can fall to the side.

Perhaps your ex used to isolate you from them. Perhaps they didn’t want to spend time with you because the tension was unbearable. Perhaps you pushed them all away when they tried to make you see that your relationship was toxic.

Whatever the reason, if there was ever a time for you to embrace your friends and family, this is it. Surrounding yourself with people who love you is just the medicine that will help you heal.

I know that you might be worried that they won’t want to spend time with you because you have let them down but I can promise you they won’t. All they want for you is for you to be happy and they will support you going through this difficult time to ensure that you are.

So, who can you reach out to right now who loves you and supports you and makes you laugh? You can do it!

A group of young people standing next to each other.

#8 – Take it one day at a time.

One of our worst habits is that we spend too much time in the past and WAY too much time in the distant future.

I know that, for many of my clients, the number one thing that sabotages their healing is looking too far ahead.

Instead of thinking about what they need to do today to get themselves through what they are dealing with, they look ahead to the future.

They can’t imagine themselves ever being happy. They can’t see how they will find love again. They believe that they will only ever feel the pain that they are feeling right now.

And, this focus on the future only sets their recovering from a toxic relationship back. They might even be tempted to reach out to their ex in the hopes that, this time, they will get the life and the love they want.

So, try to take it one day at a time. It might be hard but it will help!

#9 – Get help.

We all want to be strong, to take care of ourselves during times of stress and to not have to rely on anyone, particularly a professional, to help them. After all, it is the American way  to tough it out and do things on our own.

I get that but, I believe that, sometimes, we all need help getting through a tough time.

If you have been trying hard to get over your toxic relationship but find that you aren’t making the progress that you need to make, reach out to a professional to help you.

As a life coach, I have worked with hundreds of people who have gotten out of toxic relationships and who have successfully healed from them and moved on to find a better life.

I know that it might make you feel weak, but I can promise you that you will not be.  You will be strong enough to reach out to someone who can help you with your healing, which can be rare.

And, know that, no life coach or therapist will ever judge you for what you have been through. We have all been there at some point, and we are all here to tell the story of how we got through it.

So, if you are finding that you are struggling to get through the pain of your break up, reach out to someone, like me, to help!

Knowing how to heal from a toxic relationship is not something that we all know intuitively.

We have never done something like this before and trying to figure out next steps can feel daunting.

But you can do this! You can get past the pain of this relationship and find the love and the life that you want.

Just follow the nine steps above and you will see. I promise!

How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship. 9 Important Steps for You to Take Right Now!

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Letting go of a toxic relationship might be the hardest thing that you ever have to do.

After all, even if you know that your relationship is toxic, it might very well be that you still love your partner. Most of my clients find that it is love that keeps them from leaving a bad relationship, even if it isn’t a healthy one.

Fortunately, thousands of people get out of toxic relationships every day. It isn’t always easy but it is possible. And, by doing so, they set themselves up for the potential of having a life time of happiness and finding the love that they seek.

So, how to get out of a toxic relationship? Let me help!

#1 – Accept that you are in one.

For many people, accepting that they are in a toxic relationship can be very difficult. After all, you probably still love this person even if you know that you can’t stay with them.

And, for many people, because they are in the middle of the toxicity, they have a hard time recognizing how bad things are.

Signs of a toxic relationship are:

  1. Your relationship is volatile. One minute everything is good and then the next there is yelling and tears and everything falls apart.
  2. You are always unhappy.
  3. Your family and friends are constantly telling you that your relationship in unhealthy.
  4. You find yourself losing your mental and/or physical health.
  5. You hope that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Do any of these things sound like you? If yes, you might very well be in a toxic relationship. And, once you can truly accept this, then you will be ready to move forward and take the next step!

#2 – Decide you are going to do it.

Like anything else in your life, if you want to do something, you must not only decide to do it, you must be determined to follow through.

Imagine if you want to stop eating ice cream. That is a big deal and very hard to do. You can choose to tell yourself you aren’t going to eat it but keep some in the fridge. Or rationalize that little bit that you eat when you are out with friends. Instead of being determined to do it, you approach it half-heartedly, hoping things will just work out.

Before you know it, you will be back to the bad habit of eating ice cream.

So it is that one must set their goal of leaving a toxic relationship and dig deep to find the determination to not only do it but follow through.

If you want to end your toxic relationship, you must find it within yourself to do so!

#3 ̢ РTell someone.

One of the key parts of getting something difficult done is to tell someone else that you are going to do it. Why? Because that person can hold you accountable to make sure that you follow through.

I know that you might be telling yourself that you are going to do this, or perhaps you have even told yourself that you were going to do this before, but that, here you are, still in your toxic relationship.

That is because, as we often do, you aren’t holding yourself to the promise that you have made to yourself—”to  leave.

This time, do something different. Tell a friend or family member that you are going to do this. Ask them to hold you accountable to the steps that you are going to take to get out of your relationship, something I am sure that they would be happy to do.

Make sure you ask a friend or family member who truly will hold you accountable someone who is wishy washy won’t help you in any way!

 

Two people sitting on a bench talking to each other.

#4 -Get your finances in order.

I had a client once who was in a toxic marriage. She knew that she had to get out of it but she was somewhat dependent on her husband to provide for her and her three children. But she knew that the leaving had to happen and so she took the first step towards doing so she got her finances in order.

She had always been a stay at home mom so she got herself a small job. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was something. She opened a bank account for that money and slowing started transferring a bit of the money that she shared with her husband into it as well, building a little nest egg to help her escape.

She also reached out to her parents, to see if they could help her if she needed it. She ultimately didn’t, but she knew that they were there if she needed them.

Perhaps your finances are not an issue and you can skip this step but, if you are financially reliant on your partner, planning ahead will help you get out. After all, this financial piece might be just why are haven’t gotten out yet. Change that!

#5 – Find somewhere to go.

Are you stuck in a house or an apartment with your toxic partner? Are you confident that, if you ask your partner to go, they won’t? Is this one of the reasons why you haven’t ended this relationship yet? Maybe.

It is very important that, before you tell your person that the relationship is over, you find someplace to go. Perhaps you can go to stay with a friend or your family while you get yourself back on track. Perhaps you can find an AirBnB that does weekly rentals. If you can handle it financially, sign a lease on your own place.

Whatever you have to do to ensure that, when you are ready to leave, you have a place to go. For many people, not knowing where they are going to live is enough to make them not leave a relationship, even if they know they should!

#6 – Make a list.

A key part of letting go of a toxic relationship is that you make a list of all of the reasons that you are leaving.

Our brains can be very toxic, keeping us in situations that aren’t good for us. They can easily forget the bad things and only focus on the good things. They can give us hope that things might change or go back to the way that they were in the beginning, if only we try hard enough. They tell us that, if we leave, we will never love or be loved again.

And all of these things won’t help you let go of your toxic relationship.

So, it is time to make a list. Get out a piece of paper or make a new note on your phone. Write down all of the reasons that you want to leave. Take note of specific things that happen. Remind yourself how this relationship makes you feel.

If you can do this very important thing, it will make it much easier for you to leave your relationship. Whenever you are feeling weak or questioning your choice, you can refer to the list and remember why you have made this decision.

Instead of letting your brain take over and only remember the good things, having your list close by will help you stay determined to, once and for all, leave this toxic relationship.

A pen and notebook on the table

#7 – Engage a therapist or life coach (or see the one you have).

If you have a therapist or a life coach, it is time to call them. If you don’t have one, find one.

You have never (hopefully) ever had to leave a toxic relationship before so you might have no idea how to do so successfully. Having a professional will help you ensure that you have success, sooner than later.

I have worked with many clients to help them get out of a toxic relationship and they say that they couldn’t have done it without me. I am able to be the person who holds them accountable. I am able to be honest with them about what I see, with no personal agenda that a friend might have. I can guide them to resources. I help them process the emotions that have led them to this place. I am their biggest cheerleader. . All invaluable things.

Reach out to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t, find one. BetterHelp.com is a great way to find a therapist. It is all online so you aren’t limited to finding therapists in your area and you can find one who suits your needs anywhere.

OR you could reach out to me! I would be happy to help!

#8 – Block them.

I can not say this one often enough! If you want to successfully leave a toxic relationship, you must block your person. You must block them on your phone so that they don’t reach out and block them on social media so you can’t see what they are doing.

Back in the day, when we went through a break up, the chances of being in contact with our ex was minimal. Now, in these days of cell phones and social media, we have access to our ex and their goings on 24/7. And that access can sabotage our decisions.

Imagine if you find the strength to let go but then continue to keep tabs on what your ex is doing on social media. This could make you miss them or be jealous that they are moving on or confuse your determination to follow through. All of this could sabotage your conviction, putting you right back where you were before.

And, if you don’t block your ex on your phone, one or both of you will be tempted to reach out, opening up another conversation that might lead in a direction other than the one you want to take!

I know it seems like it will be hard but you can do it. And it is the most important piece of this journey one that you can do!

A black and white image of the word " rock ".

#9 – Take it one day at a time.

If there is anything that can prevent someone from letting go of a toxic relationship it is trying to get too far ahead of ourselves!

If you have been trying to get out of a bad relationship, have you not done so because you are afraid of the future? Are you are afraid that you will not be okay, that you will always be alone, that you will never love or be loved again? If so, you are not alone.

But, you are also not alone in that you aren’t thinking clearly.

Yes, if you walk out on a toxic relationship you might be alone for a while, but I can promise you that you will find love again. That you will be able to get back to a healthy happy life. That you will find yourself again.

I know it’s really hard to visualize that right now and that is ok. What you can visualize right is the next few moments or the next few hours or maybe even what is going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow is way less unknown then next week or next year.

So, try to keep your eyes down and on tomorrow, not next year. If you can do that, you won’t get overwhelmed and you will be able to walk away. I promise.

Knowing how to get out of a toxic relationship can be incredibly hard to see clearly.

But letting go of a toxic relationship, one that is holding you back from living the life you want, is possible! It might be hard but you can do it!

Just take the time to set yourself up for success define your determination, get some support, set yourself up for financial and living independence, stay clear on why you are doing this and cut off all ties with your ex.

If you can do this, if you can stick to the plan, you too can find the life and the love that you have always wanted.

I promise!

 

 

 

“Why Do I Like Toxic Relationships?” Your Question, Answered.

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that, if you aren’t in a toxic relationship right now, you have recently been in one and/or, perhaps, you have been in more than one over the years.

Well, you are not alone! Know that loving toxic relationships is, for many reasons, very common.

Most of my clients come to me because they are struggling in a toxic relationship and they want to understand why they stay. The first thing that we talk about is them who they are, what they bring into the relationship and their part in the toxicity.

Once they see what their role is in the relationship, they can take the steps to either improving it or walking away.

I am afraid the reasons are many to the question “why do I like toxic relationships?

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Your parents.

According to Rebecca Bergen, PHD, “Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and, in turn, how we are in relationships.”

In other words, people who have parents who are actively involved and engaged in their children’s lives will influence that child feeling secure in a romantic relationship. However, if a parent is not involved and engaged with their child, that child will not feel secure in their parental relationship and they will bring that insecure attachment style into a romantic relationship.

For one of my clients, she had a terrible relationship with her father. He was mostly absent and, when he was around, he was emotionally unavailable. She would try very hard to get her father to notice her, to no avail. As a result, she felt that she was unloveable. And this feeling she carried into her adult relationships.

As a result, when she entered romantic relationships, she tended to enter ones where she was treated just like her father treated her“ where she was abandoned and disdained. Those kind of relationships, while toxic, were what she knew and therefore what she gravitated towards. So, for her, loving toxic relationships, entering them over and over, were the direct result of her toxic relationship with her father.

#2 – Your past relationships.

Be honest. When you buy ice cream, do you always by the same brand?

Do you have habits that you repeat daily because they feel comfortable?

Does doing something unfamiliar give you anxiety?

For many of us, old habits die hard. We like the safeness and security of the familiar and, as a result, we do the same things over and over.

So it is with toxic relationships “ we tend to gravitate toward them over and over because they are what we know.

Whenever I have a new client who comes to me about their toxic relationship, the first question that I always ask them is if they have ever been in a healthy relationship. Almost without exception, they say ‘no,’ or, if they had been in one, it didn’t work out.

For them, because they have never been in anything other than a toxic relationship, they believe that theirs is perfectly normal. That, while they are unhappy in the relationship, they believe that this is just how relationships are toxic.

And so they stay because a happy relationship seems scary and unfamiliar.

#3 – Your insecurities.

In this world where we are constantly bombarded with images of the perfect life or the perfect body, many people are rife with insecurities.

They carry these insecurities throughout their lives, especially when it comes to romance, believing that they aren’t good enough to be worthy of a healthy relationship.

I have a client who has had a rough go of it throughout her life, and, as a result, she is very insecure. The path that she thought would be hers didn’t happen, and, as a result, she was in a job she hated, living with a roommate at 30.

So, when she started dating, she didn’t believe that she was worthy of being loved, and, as a result, she chose men who reinforced her theory. Men who treated her with disrespect, disrespect that she believed she deserved.

As a result, she stayed with these men, over and over, living in a toxic relationship that she believed was the result of bad life choices she had made through the years.

#4 – Your low self-esteem.

Many women who have been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship have very low self-esteem.

They have been treated badly for so long, led to believe that everything that is wrong in the relationship is their fault. They know they should leave a relationship but they don’t, which only makes them feel more horrible about themselves.

So, when they do get out of the toxic relationship, they hold onto the feelings that they had when they were in it, feeling horrible about themselves in the world.

And what do they do? They carry that lack of self-esteem into their next relationship which only leads to the same result being treated with disdain and disrespect, all they believe they deserve.

A woman with long blonde hair standing in the desert.#5 – Your need to fix someone.

Are you someone who believes that if you just love someone enough, they will change?

That someone has been brought into your life for a reason for you to love them enough to make them whole?

Do you believe that you know who they could be if they would let you help them get there?

In my whole life, I have probably encountered one woman who didn’t feel the need to fix a man, who didn’t feel like it was their obligation to do so. As a result, women stay in toxic relationships for longer than they should, believing that, if they just love their person enough, they will change, and the relationship will be better.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work this way. Unless someone actively wants to change, they won’t, and no amount of love is going to make them do so.

#6 – Your hopeless romanticism.

One of my biggest frustrations with movies and television is the way that relationships are often portrayed.

How many rom-coms have you seen where the relationship started out as adversarial and then turned to love?

Or relationships where the husband is toxic and the woman holds on, knowing that things will get better and they do?

Or a relationship that has been broken by toxicity ultimately gets healed with just one sentence?

Unfortunately, the way that toxic relationships are portrayed on movies and on television are unrealistic. The toxicity that exists over the course of the show almost always gets resolved over 90 to 120 minutes. This easy resolution leads many women to believe that their toxic relationship is fixable, just like the one they see on TV.

Many women are hopeless romantics because of what they see in the movies. The relationships that she sees every time she sits down in front of a screen lead her to believe that she too can have that happily ever after if she stays in this relationship, a dream that, unfortunately, just doesn’t come true.

A man and woman kissing each other on the forehead.

#7 – Your tendency to self-sabotage.

According to Bismar Anwar, LHMC, Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships. Further, we know that these behaviors often repeat across multiple relationships.

People who self-sabotage are people who don’t trust their partners, without reason. They pick fights. They demand perfection. They are unfaithful. They are passive-aggressive.

People who self-sabotage are truly incapable of building a healthy relationship.

Are you guilty of self-sabotaging in past relationships? Know that, if you are, you are most likely addicted to toxic relationships because they feed your need to self-sabotage in a big way.

So, the answer to why we like toxic relationships is not an easy one.

One doesn’t have to have all the reasons listed above to be someone who likes toxic relationships – one is enough.

Know that, if you recognize why you do stay in toxic relationships longer than you should then it will help give you insight about how to get out of it, learn to change your behaviors and attitudes and get the happy relationship that you have always desired.

You can do it! Many women have been able to take a good hard look at themselves and why they love toxic relationships and make change. You can too!

 

Setting Goals as a Couple: The Key to A Healthy Relationship

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I know, it doesn’t seem very romantic does it, setting goals as a couple.

After all, you have found your soulmate. Shouldn’t you just be able to live happily after in peace and harmony?

Ideally, yes. In the real world, though, things aren’t so simple. And, as a result, goal setting is key to having the healthy relationship that you want

Why is setting goals as a couple important?

When I talk about setting goals, I often refer to the workplace. Do you and your team mates set goals about what you are going to get done. Do you set benchmarks so that you know that you are making progress? Does this methodology work to keep your team successful?

I bet it does. So why wouldn’t you do the same in a relationship?

In a relationship, you are two members of a team who want a happy life together but the path there isn’t always a straight one. There are so many complicated pieces of life that can get in the way of our happiness, obstacles that can block our way forward.

That is when it’s important to set goals. To clear that path so that you can navigate the marriage with the goal of happiness always in sight!

So, when setting goals in a couple, what kind of goals should you be thinking about?

Here are some to consider:

#1 – To keep communication open.

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship and, without it, a relationship is doomed to failure.

Without communication, without honesty, a couple can become disconnected.

They can grow apart and small resentments can build. Once these cracks form in the foundation of a relationship, it can be hard to stop them getting worse.

Setting the goal that you will always communicate with each other, about things big and small, will help keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#2 – To never take each other for granted.

In this crazy world, it is very easy to lose sight of what is most important in life, namely our partners.

Between work and kids and extended family and all of the other demands that we encounter every day, we can take our partner for granted, assuming they will always be there when we need them.

Doing this will end even the best relationship.

Set the goal that you will never take each other for granted. That, no matter what is going on, you will let your partner know that you see them, that you love them and that you appreciate that they are in your life. Doing this will only make your relationship stronger.

#3 – To remember that we are all only human.

Many of us go into relationships with unreasonable expectations of another person – namely that that person will be perfect, that they will be able to give us everything that we want and need in life and to never hurt us.

Unfortunately, this kind of person only exists in fairy tales.

When setting goals as a couple, have one of them be a commitment to recognize that we are all only human and that we will make mistakes. And commit to being open to forgiveness, to not hold a grudge against your person for their humanness.

Remember, you are only human too, doing the best that you can to navigate this crazy world of love!

A red heart sitting on top of a table.#4 – To be able to advocate for what we need.

How many times have you not spoken up for what you wanted? How many times have you just gone along, not wanting to make a fuss? And how has that worked out for you?

It is key that, in every relationship, we are willing and able to advocate for what we want and need. And that we are willing and able to listen to our person when they do.

When setting goals as a couple, commit to the understanding that you both have individual needs and that respecting those needs is very important.

Even if those needs can’t be met sometimes, being allowed to verbalize them safely is the key to keeping a relationship healthy and strong.

#5 -To keep going when the going gets tough.

In this day and age, it is easy to cut and run when the going gets tough.

Instead of staying and working through issues, many couples walk away from a relationship, figuring that walking away will be easier than trying to fix something.

In this disposable world that we live in, it’s important to set a goal that neither one of you will walk away when the going gets tough. That you will commit to working through things, big and small, and keep your relationship on track.

#6 – To not take things personally.

A client of mine needed to have her husband to do something for her on the way home from work. He said he would and then he forgot. He didn’t do it maliciously – he just had other things on his mind and dropped the ball.

And what did she do? She took it totally personally and decided that his inaction was a reflection of how much he loved her.

But the truth was, he did love her. He just forgot.

It’s important that, when setting goals in your relationship, you include the understanding that, when your person does something to let you down, you won’t take it personally.

Again, your person is just a person in the world doing the best that they can. And that, even if they make mistakes, it has nothing to do with how much they love you.

#8 – To work to put issues to bed.

I know that, when I was married, issues would arise regularly. How could they not, with the crazy world we lived in?

My husband and I tried hard to address those issues when they arose but, more often than not, life got in the way and those issues got brushed under the rug, saved for another day.

Over the years, the fact that we avoided those issues became an issue. Those thousand little cuts that we did to each other over the years started to fester.

And, ultimately, those unsolved issues destroyed us.

When setting goals as a couple, resolve to work hard to settle issues as they arise and not wait for them to cause rot in your relationship that can’t be stopped.

 

#9 – To be honest about intimacy.

Talking about sex and intimacy in relationships can be very difficult. Both of those things are sensitive topics, fraught with opportunities to cause pain and confusion.

It is essential that, to keep a relationship healthy, each member of a couple agree to be honest about their wants and needs in their relationship and be willing to work together to meet those wants and needs.

Almost every single client I talk to who has had an affair counts not having any intimacy as one of the reasons. And it’s not the fact that they aren’t having sex, its that they aren’t even talking about it.

So, no matter how hard it might be, committing to keep discussions around intimacy open in your relationship will only make it stronger!

#10 – To tackle the problem, not each other.

I remember when I was married, the holidays were always an issue. His family wanted to spend time with us and I wanted to do them on our own.

My husband was caught between his mother and me and our wants and needs and it wasn’t easy for him.

Unfortunately, instead of us working together to figure out what to do about holidays, we tended to just fight about them. We went round and round about how insensitive one of us were being, or stubborn or thoughtless. It got us absolutely no where and ultimately destroyed our relationship.

So, resolve to work together to solve your problems, not just fight about them!

#11 – To make up after an argument.

Never, ever, ever go to bed angry. Never walk away from someone during an argument. Never say something in anger that you can never take back.

I am sure that this is advice that you have heard from more than one person.

Well, listen to it!

Making up after an argument is an important component of a healthy relationship. Even if the issue hasn’t been resolved, try to reconnect on a human level, with the person who you know and love.

Being able to do so will only bring you closer and perhaps even give you a clearer head to solve the problem next time it arises.

#12 – To give each other freedom.

When you and your partner are talking about relationships goals, one of the most important ones on your list should be this one giving each other freedom to do what you want to do, to be who you want to be.

Being part of a couple is wonderful but it is essential that we maintain our individuality inside that relationship.

If we don’t, if we lose sight of who we are outside of the couple. If we rely on our coupleness to define who we are, this will make us dependent on the relationship and that won’t be healthy.

Make sure that, when you talk about your life together, set a goal to give each other the freedom that is needed to be yourselves in the world.

#13 – To make time for fun.

Last but not least, when setting relationship goals, resolve that you will always make time for fun.

Life is hard and it’s easy to lose sight of the joy that can be found in it, especially in something as complicated as a committed relationship.

Make sure that you take the time to have fun together. To do the things that you did together when you were falling in love. To trying new things together.

To laughing and living and having fun. Together.

A man and woman are talking to each other.

Setting goals as a couple can seem intimidating but it doesn’t have to be.

I would encourage you to take this list and discuss it with your partner. Work together to understand each other perspectives and define what is important to you and set about doing it.

You will be glad you did!

How to Recover From a Break up – 10 Things that Really Work

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If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you have had your heart broken.

And for that I am very sorry!

I know that there is nothing worse than a broken heart.

I remember my first like it was yesterday. Bobby Fortunato broke up with me for Katie Ford my mom let me stay home from school because she knew how hard it can be.

I did get over Bobby Fortunato and you can get over the person who let you go.

So, how to recover from a break up? Here are 10 things that really work so that you can over your broken heart and move on!

#1 – Set boundaries.

The first step that you MUST do is to establish boundaries with your ex.

This means no trying to be friends. It is literally impossible to be friends with an ex after a breakup – there are too many hurt feelings.

This means not making excuses for seeing each other. You are both probably missing each other, and seeing each other will only hurt.

This means no random hooking up, hoping that things might change. They won’t.

This means NO CONTACT. This means blocking them everywhere. If your ex can reach out to you, or you them, it will sabotage your healing in a big way.

#2 – Do some research.

There is so much information online about how to recover from a break up. (Like this blog!)

I always encourage my clients, when they are in break up recovery mode, to go online and learn what they can about break ups.

I encourage them to read blogs and to interact with people who are going through break ups. Getting more information about anything only helps us work through it, and interacting with like-minded people can always be helpful.

There are two caveats to this recommendation.

The first is that you recognize that the information you find online is not directly related to you and your break up. It is someone else’s story, and some of the things that you will read won’t be relevant to you. This is important to keep in mind.

I also encourage people to do this research in the beginning but to shut it down after a week or two. If you continue doing research on break ups, then you will be stuck in break up mode and not be able to move forward.

After spending some time online learning about break ups, it’s time to spend some time online learning about moving on!

A table with books and an ipad on it

#3 – Take stock of your role.

Many of us play the victim after a break up.

We think that we did nothing wrong and that our ex is completely to blame.

I have a client who told me that he had been the perfect husband for 20 years and that his wife cheating on him wasn’t his fault. In reality, he realized that he hadn’t been the perfect husband and that, while his wife’s infidelity wasn’t justified, he did have a role to play in her turning to someone else for emotional connection.

If you are playing the victim in your break up, it will definitely sabotage your break up recovery

#4 – Don’t stalk them.

In this day and age of social media, stalking an ex is easy.

Back in the day, the only way to know what an ex was doing was by grilling their friends or trying to set ourselves up somewhere we know they might be.

Now, you can go online and, in a few clicks, see what your ex is doing and with whom.

Why will stalking hamper your recovery after a break up? Because seeing them online is breaking the ‘no contact’ rule. Knowing what they are up to, seeing that they have moved on with their life, believing that they are happy without you, will only set you back to square one in your healing.

#5 – Let yourself cry.

So many of us hold in our emotions. We are told from a young age that we need to stop crying or that it makes us weak. As a result, when we have our heart broken, we tend to stuff the pain down deep instead of letting it out.

It is so important that, in every area of life, we feel our feelings. Why? Because if we feel them, we will be able to let them out of our body. Instead of holding them inside, where they can fester and cause damage, letting them go will help us to set ourselves free from the pain.

So, cry. Get a journal and write out your feelings. Talk to your friends. Get those feelings out of your head and your body so that you can take another step recovering from a break up.

#6 – Know that you are not alone.

I am sure that, right now, you are feeling like your pain is the worst pain of all. That this break up is more painful than any other break ups. And believing that will only hold you back in your recovery.

I suggested before going online and finding other people who are struggling with a break up. Find a local divorce or break up group. Spend time with friends who are going through the same thing.

The Mayo Clinic states that the benefits of a support group are significant. Support groups will help you feel less lonely, it will reduce distress, anxiety and depression. It will help you improve your coping skills and talking openly about your pain will help others heal as well.

There is nothing like sharing our situation with others who are in the same place to help us heal after a break up.

You are not alone. Know that!

Three women laying on the ground wearing sunglasses.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

I am guessing that you might be reading this blog with a pint of ice cream in your hand. Perhaps on the couch, still in your pajamas?

This is okay. But don’t let this be your world for very long.

It is very important that, when we are recovering from a break up, we take care of ourselves.

Sleeping is the most important thing. If you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to think clearly and emotions will be harder to manage.

Exercise and eating well are also key. They will make your body feel strong and confident, and there is nothing better than having a strong body.

Furthermore, exercise helps release dopamine, a feel-good chemical that will reduce the pain of the break-up, at least for a little while.

#8 – Don’t shut people out.

For many people, the instinct to isolate themselves after a break up is strong.

After all, break ups can lead to depression and isolation is a hallmark of depression.

Shutting people out, isolating yourself from people who care about you, will only hamper your recovery.

After a break up, we often feel abandoned. We feel less than. We feel unloved. Spending time with people who love you will help you to not feel those things. Instead, you will feel loved and safe and special.

Feeling this way will only help us speed along our recovery and move on.

 

#9 – Do something special.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. I found myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone, with nothing much to do. I spent time alone, trying to figure out what was next but feeling hopeless and helpless.

And then a friend called me and asked if I was interested in taking a trip to Peru. It was a five-day hiking trip that ended at Machu Picchu. Peru was somewhere that I had always wanted to go. I jumped at the opportunity and spent 5 lovely days hiking the Andes.

This trip helped me recover from my break up for two reasons.

The first is that it got me out of my hum-drum routine into something totally different. I spent time with people I didn’t know and who didn’t know my story. I spent time with people from other cultures and learned from them.

The second reason that this trip helped with my break-up recovery is that I accomplished something. I traveled to Peru, hiked to 17,000 feet, ate foods I had never eaten before, and took a risk by branching out.

Both of these things, experiencing different things and proving to myself that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to, helped me move on in a big way!

A woman climbing up the side of a mountain.

#10 -Have hope for the future.

I know that this feels impossible right now. To have hope that you will ever love or be loved again is just beyond.

But I can tell you that you will be okay. That you will find someone else to love you. That your happily ever after is out there.

My husband left me 12 years ago. Last week, I married the love of my life. In between, I found love in many places and it made me a new, improved version of myself.

I never would have believed that this could happen. But it did. And it happens to all of my clients, without exception. If they can let go of a love that wasn’t serving them, they open up the space to find someone who will.

I am guessing that you have been through a break up before and eventually gotten past it and found love again? That will happen again. I just know it.

A woman in a straw hat is standing in the middle of sunflowers.

Knowing how to recover from a break up can be difficult.

When we are in breakup recovery mode, we often aren’t thinking clearly. Our emotions are clouding our brain and we get paralyzed.

But you can heal from your break up. You can rebuild yourself, stronger then ever. You can create the life for yourself that you have always wanted and get your happily ever after.

Instead of this being the end, it is the beginning.

I promise!

 

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