First and foremost, I want to empathize with you that you have to be reading this article. I am sure that, even if this divorce was the right thing to do, you never want to have one. We all go into marriage so hopeful and it’s horrible when those hopes are dashed.

Now that I have said that, it’s time to talk about how to move on. And you can move on. I promise! I have been there.

Let me share with you 11 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce, things that I learned when I went through it myself and found the life that I had always dreamed of!

#1 – Stand up for yourself.

The first thing that you must do to help you rebuild your life after your divorce happens before you get divorced. It is essential that, as you go through the divorce process, you do the best that you can do to make sure that you will have some financial security going forward.

Most states make sure that property is divided 50/50 but sometimes it doesn’t quite work out that way. And that is ok, but make sure that you get what you need to be able to rebuild your life.

Make sure that you know what you need to live comfortably. If you don’t know what you need, how can you get it?

Make sure that, if negotiations are getting tiresome, you don’t give up. Many people just agree to whatever because they want to divorce process to end. DON’T do this. The last mile is the longest but you can do it!

Make sure that, in the future looking back, you know that you handled yourself with integrity. Divorces are hard and coming out of it feeling bad about yourself won’t help you move on.

I know that this divorce process is long and hard but making sure that you get what you need will help with rebuilding your life going forward.

#2 – Reframe your narrative.

My ex-husband left me for his college girlfriend and I was devasted. For many years, whenever my divorce came up, I told people the truth about what happened. I was angry and I wanted sympathy and that was my narrative.

And then a friend reminded me that I had been miserable in my marriage for a long time and I hadn’t had the guts to move on. The way my ex left sucked but the reality was he did a good thing for us. Our marriage was only sucking us both down. She suggested that, instead of making myself into the victim, I portray myself as a victor, someone who came out of a dying marriage intact and who was rebuilding the life that I wanted.

Reframing my narrative, not seeing myself as a victim, made all the difference in setting the stage for rebuilding my life after my divorce.

#3 – Don’t expect to just bounce back.

I have a client who, after he found out his wife had cheated on him, kicked her out and, within weeks, filed for and got his divorce. He told me that he was one of those people that, when someone wrong them, they are dead to them and that he was moving on.

I knew better.

I know that you want to move on. That you want to let go of the pain and the anger and the disappointment and whatever else it is that you are feeling. And you will. It just won’t happen right now.

For my client, he did not just move on. In spite of the fact that they were divorced, the pain and acrimony continued, for months. He so wanted to stop feeling the way he was feeling but the feelings were still strong and he couldn’t control them.

I know that this might feel disheartening but I can promise you that you will bounce back. Everyone does. It just might take a little bit longer than you might had hoped for!

#4 – Rearrange your space.

If you are still in the home that you shared with your ex, I am guessing that it feels like it is full of the ghosts of your marriage, the good times and the bad. And I am sure that you would like to get rid of those ghosts ASAP.

One of my clients rearranged her home in a big way after her divorce. She took all of the furniture and knick-knacks in her bedroom (throwing or packing away things that caused her mixed feelings) and moved them to the TV room. She then took the TV room stuff and put it in her old bedroom. She told me that doing this switching helped her start to rebuild her life in a big way.

Can you switch up your space? Get rid of things that have bad memories and create a space for yourself where you feel safe? If yes, do it. It could make all the difference.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

I know. This is an obvious one but one we often ignore.

Yes, I know that you are devasted and that eating ice cream on the couch in front of the TV is way more appealing than getting out there and going for a walk. I get it!

But, do everything in your power to get off the couch – at least long enough to take that walk.

If you stop taking care of yourself during this period of transition, it will only hold you back from healing. It is important to get enough sleep (try these tips to help), to eat well and get some exercise. I am not saying join a gym – just make sure that you get your heart rate up every day. I promise you that the dopamine that you get from the exercise will help tremendously with managing your feelings.

As for me, in the months after my divorce, I got a massage once a week. It felt so good to be touched and to have someone take care of me. What would make you feel good?

#6 – Find new friends.

Soon after my husband asked me for a divorce, I met a woman who changed my life. We were both realtors and crossed paths during a house showing. We liked each other and made a plan to go for a walk together. It turned out that she was divorced and newly remarried and that she was a few years ahead of me with rebuilding her life. She helped me understand what I needed to move forward (to make sure that I had all my stuff around me and to stand up for myself financially during the divorce) and inspired me with her happy new marriage.

I met another woman at the pet store and became fast friends. We went thrifting together and drank manhattans and generally had fun. She was someone who I never would have met if I hadn’t been looking for friends.

I know that making new friends can be challenging but pick your head up and look around. There are lots of women out there who are looking for new friends too!

#7- Spend time with loved ones.

Chances are good that, after your divorce, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Divorces are hard and can destroy one’s confidence and self-esteem.

If there are any people out there who can help you rebuild your self-esteem it’s your loved ones. The ones who have always been there for you, who know who you are, who know what you need when you are sad, who will remind you, over and over, that you are amazing and that you are going to be okay.

So, instead of isolating yourself, pick up the phone and reach out to someone who loves you. You will be glad you did!

#8 – Don’t jump right into a new relationship.

I know – you are probably feeling pretty lonely right now and just want to get on with your life and, ideally, with a partner. And I get it! BUT, now is not the time.

Now is the time for you to take a good hard look at what happened in your marriage and what you need to do differently next time. If don’t have a clear understanding of what those things are, you will find that you make the same old mistakes. (Over 60% of second marriages fail for just this reason).

If you absolutely must get back out there, dating wise, I would encourage you to go on dates but not get into a relationship. To refamiliarize yourself with dating and flirting and disappointment. That way, when you are ready to get into a relationship again, you will have been in training and will be a better dater and partner.

#9 – Do things that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married we tend to get into ruts. I know that my married life involved chores and meals and yoga and binge-watching TV. And those things were okay and I never really thought about doing anything else.

When I got divorced, I suddenly had the space to do anything that I wanted to do (mostly). So, I thought about what I wanted to do and I did it! Since my divorce I have hiked in Peru, slept at the bottom of the grand canyon, moved to NYC, taking my kids to Europe, started a business and gotten married.

I wouldn’t have done any of those things if I had stayed married and part of rebuilding my life after my divorce was doing things that made my heart sing!

#10- Get help with managing your feelings.

I know. You are tough. You don’t need help. But, let me tell you – you do.

Chances are that you have never been through a divorce before and therefore have no experience with how to do it. Having someone help you navigate this period of your life is essential if you want to cope with divorce emotionally

I know that when I was recovering, I was plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt for the things that I did and didn’t do in my marriage. Guilt about breaking up my family. I also felt bad about myself because my husband left me. And the loneliness was at times overwhelming.

I found myself a life coach who helped with letting go of toxic relationships (which inspired me to start this business) and they helped me process those emotions so that I could move on.

Get some help!  It doesn’t have to be forever – just for now while you heal.

#11 – Know you will find love again.

I know that it doesn’t feel like you will ever love or be loved again. The rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are feeling incredibly damaged as a result.

But I can promise you that you will find love again. There are many people out there, just like you, how are dealing with heartbreak but who are also looking to find love. Just be patient. Your person is out there. I promise!

I know that it might seem impossible right now but it is possible to rebuild your life after your divorce.

The prospect is daunting, I know, but if you can take the tips that I recommend, you will find yourself on the pathway to healing quicker than you will from the couch.

You can do it!

 

10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Being happily married is the dream for most people. The idea of having a spouse to share their lives with and love unconditionally is why there are internet dating sites and relationship coaches. When we are lucky enough to get one, we are happy.

Unfortunately, what often happens in long-term marriages is that we start taking each other for granted and, even worse, the appearance of contempt of the familiar. We might still love each other but we might no longer appreciate each other.

It is important that, if this has happened in your marriage, to nip it in the bud. The best way to do that? To dig deep, reconnect with what you love about your person and show your spouse gratitude for their existence in your life.

How do you show your spouse gratitude? Let me share.

#1 – Tell them how they make you feel.

When we are first in a relationship with someone, when feelings are developing and love ultimately comes, we are very good at sharing our feelings with someone. It is all so new and fresh and we want to shout our feelings from the rooftops.

However, when we are in a marriage, we can stop being verbal with our partner about how we are feeling.

This happens especially, I have learned in my work, with men. I often ask my male clients how often they tell their wives they love them (outside of the standard ‘I love you’ when hanging up the phone). The answer I usually get is ‘I don’t need to tell her – she knows.’

Well, let me tell you – she might not know.

Men are probably worse at telling their spouses they love them because they are not experts at communication like women are. And that is okay. But it’s important for everyone to strengthen that communication muscle so that we can express our feelings for our spouse and make them feel our gratitude that we have them in our lives.

#2 – Compliment them.

When your spouse walks into the room, do you notice them? Do you notice if they took particular care getting ready or if they are dirty from the garden but looking cute? And, if you do notice them, do you tell them that you like what you see?

Again, as we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge that we like what we see. But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know that you still find them as hot/cute/sexy as you did in the beginning.

#3 – Get involved with what they like to do.

When my husband and I were first dating, I used to get involved in his car projects.  He is renovating an old Ford truck and I would get out in the garage and get dirty and greasy with him. I genuinely enjoyed doing this and it was a fun thing that we did together.

Now, however, six years later, you will rarely find me in the garage working on his cars with him, something that he does every weekend. And, that I don’t do that hasn’t caused him any resentment but, whenever I do offer to spend a few hours with him, he is so happy. So, I do it occasionally and we always enjoy our time together!

#4 – Make them a priority.

This is another way to make sure that your spouse knows that you are grateful they are in your life – making them a priority.

Life is crazy busy with kids, work, hobbies, and extended family, and for some reason, it is usually the spouses who get relegated to the back of the line. I think that this is because we assume that they are okay with that and that we believe that they will always be there when we have time for them.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My ex-husband left me because, among other reasons, he was at the back of my priority line. With my new husband, he is much closer to the top of my priority list and sometimes even at the top. And he really appreciates this, and it feels really good for me to feel his appreciation and only makes me want to do it more often.

#5- Help them with something difficult.

My husband is building a boat shed for his Ford car project. It looks like an upside-down hull (hence the name), and it is not an easy project. Because it’s hard to get skilled labor these days, he is building it himself. It is not an easy job, so every weekend, I am out there helping him build it.

It is actually quite fun for me. I am up on 10 ft ladders, drilling in bolts. I am digging up sod. I am holding the other end of arches that are hard to manage. At the end of the day I am tired and maybe sore but it has been a lovely day, being outside with him, helping him build something that is very meaningful to him.

#6 – Learn their love language.

An essential part of showing gratitude for your spouse is to learn their love language.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with love languages, it works like this. Each person has one of four things that make them feel loved – quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift giving.

The rub is if we don’t know our spouse’s love language, we won’t know what to do to make them feel loved. And if we don’t know their love language, we will probably try to make them feel loved with what we need to feel loved.

An example of this is, let’s say that you feel wonderful when you are being hugged or holding hands. This means that one of your love languages is physical touch. Great. You can encourage your spouse to give you hugs often. But let’s say your spouse’s love language is not physical touch but quality time; what is most important to them is that they get quality time with you. This, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.

So, if you want your spouse to know how much you appreciate them being in your life, learn their love language and make them feel loved.

#7 – Be thankful for them in your head.

Yes, we can be outwardly appreciative of our spouses and that is good. But, it is also really important that we are thankful for them in our head. Why? Because we want our gratitude to be genuine.

Of course, our spouses can drive us crazy sometimes, maybe even often, but, focusing on the bad stuff in your mind and putting the good stuff to the side won’t help you feel good about your spouse – it will only make you resent them.

So, make an effort to catalog those good things that your partner does, and stay in touch with how you feel about them, so that you can show your spouse gratitude authentically.

#8 – Respect their wishes.

If your partner asks you to do something or to support him doing something that he wants to do, to show your spouse gratitude it is important that you respect their wishes.

If something is important enough to someone that they present it to a spouse then that means that their need is significant. If you just write off something they want to do, they definitely won’t feel loved.

This holds true for behaviors as well. If your husband asks that you not get angry with him so quickly, work hard to do so. If he annoys you, take a deep breath and stay calm. If your wife asks that you make it home on time for family dinner, make every effort to do so.

#9 – Say Thank You.

So many husbands tell me that their wives never thank them for what they do. They say that they go out of their way sometimes to do something nice for them only to be met with silence. The same holds with women who feel like they aren’t appreciated for everything that they do to keep the home front running smoothly.

It is important that we recognize the things that our spouses do for us with a Thank you. After all, how difficult is it to do so?

#10 – Do not take them for granted.

Finally, the key way to show your spouse how much you appreciate them is to not take them for granted and make sure that they know you don’t.

It is so easy to start taking a spouse for granted. After all, we have sworn to love and cherish each other forever so they can’t leave. Right? Unfortunately, they can. I know that another reason my ex-husband left is because I know longer gave him respect that he deserved and that I believed that, no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. Nope that didn’t work out!

Showing your spouse gratitude is something that we don’t do naturally but we should make every effort to do so.

Marriages are hard and long and it can be easy to disconnect from someone you love. But, if you can make an effort to let them know regularly that you see them, that you appreciate them and that you want to be with them it will go a long way towards keeping you connected and your marriage strong.

You can do it!

 

When I was in in college, I spent a summer in Australia. There I met a to-die-for guy, someone who I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I was living in Vermont and he was living in Australia. That is quite a distance.

We promised to try to make it work and it did for a time. But, ultimately, we were just too far away from each other and it, unfortunately, died a slow death.

Many people tell me that, in this day of being always connected, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work. And I do agree. Being able to Facetime and text and share pictures on social media does make it easier to stay connected to someone you love who is far away.

BUT, just because you can keep in contact, doesn’t mean that a long distance relationship will definitely work. Of course, they do and can but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it will be easy.

Below is a list of what kills long-distance relationships and how to keep yours from dying so that you can know what you are getting into if you are choosing to be a part of one!

#1 – Jealousy.

Jealousy is one of the most destructive elements of any romantic relationship. Jealousy about a partner’s ex, their friends, their family, anyone who can take their time and efforts away from you.

Of course, every relationship isn’t affected by jealousy but long distance ones can be more vulnerable to its toxic effects.

Why? Because your long-distance partner will be spending way more time with other people then they will be with you. Dinners and movies out, weekends spent with friends, visits from family, all are things that your partner might be experiencing without you. And that doesn’t feel good.

So, be aware that wretched jealousy might rear its ugly head and damage your relationship. Being honest with your partner about how you feel about how they spend their time will go a long way to preventing jealousy that might kill your relationship.

#2 – Lack of effort.

This is a big one. Nothing kills long-distance relationships more than lack of effort.

To make a long distance relationship work, everyone needs to be willing to make a huge effort. An effort to stay in touch. An effort to minimize jealousy. And effort to travel often. An effort to use words of affirmation to make sure their partner knows how they are feeling. Doing the small things that can make someone feel loved.

Of course, it’s important to do these things when you are in every relationship but it is even more so when you are in a long-distance relationship because it is easy to feel disconnected because of how far away you are from each other.

So, what have you done today to make your person feel loved and connected to you? To help them feel confident around your feelings and hopes for the future.

If the answer is nothing, what can you do? Whatever it is, do it now. Help your person feel loved. It will keep your relationship from dying a slow death because of distance.

#3 – Uneven feelings.

This is a really tough one.

I have a client who reconnected with a college beau when she was home visiting her parents. They were separated back in the day when they went in different directions after college but they rediscovered their feelings really quickly. They had a lovely week together and then he headed back to California.

After he left, she told me that she was determined to make the relationship work this time around. She had always regretted letting him go and now that he was back, she wanted to make it work.

She kept in touch regularly by text and talked to him about traveling from Maine to California so that they could spend some time together.

At first, he was receptive to keeping in contact with her and was willing to talk about a potential trip. But, as time went on, he stopped texting so much and made up lots of excuses for her to postpone her trip.

She had a sense that he was pulling back and that made her lean in all the more but all the leaning in in the world couldn’t prevent the relationship from falling apart. Sure, he cared about her, but not enough to make the effort to make a potential relationship work.

So, if you feel like the interest in making this long distance relationship work isn’t even, don’t even try to make it work. Say good bye to your person now, before someone is hurt.

#4 – Horniness.

Yep. This is a pretty important, and obvious, one. People who are in long distance relationship get horny. They just do.

They aren’t having sex with the person they want to have sex with and they aren’t having any at all. And that is not okay, for men especially.

Of course, it is possible to have phone sex, which can be lovely, but it is not the same thing.

The easiest fix to horniness is to travel to see each other. To meet someone to fill up the sex bank, to keep you going until you see each other again. I know that that is not always easy but it important that you try do so. Otherwise, your relationship just might not survive the distance.

#5 – Impatience.

We are all impatient. It is just part of human nature. We want what we want and we want it right now.

With a long-distance relationship, you get very little right now.

You want to see your person. Nope, not now. You want to do things with your person. Nope, not now. You want to explore what it might look like to live together. Nope, not now.

‘Not now’ is the name of the game, every day.

Lots of people wonder if it’s selfish to not want a long-distance relationship for just this reason. They want to be in a relationship with someone they can wake up next to, to go out on a date with, to build a relationship together. Having a long distance relationship makes this impossible. It’s all about waiting until you are together and making the most of that time, and that can be frustrating.

So, if you are thinking about getting into a long distance relationship, know that you are going to have to be very, very patient to make it work.

#6 – No hope for the future.

One of the biggest killers of a long distance relationship is the long game. It is knowing whether or not the time will come that you will ever be together.

What do I mean by the long game? I mean, is there a time, in the future, when you will be together, in the same place, or does the prospect of the long-distance relationship see no end in sight?

Anyone who watches reality TV dating shows knows that this is the killer of most relationships that are formed on these shows. The shows draw people from all over the world and, more often then not, love bonds are created between people who live states, or continents, apart. While they try to make things work after the cameras stop rolling, realizing that moving is not an optoin, ultimately kills the relationship.

No one wants to break up, but it’s just too hard to make it work.

So, if you are in a long-distance relationship, ask yourself if there is an end in sight or if this situation is going to continue in perpetuity and whether or not either choice is okay with you!

#7 – Lack of communication.

People who are in long distance relationship often care about each other very much. I mean, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be trying to make it work.

Unfortunately, this deep caring can lead to a lack of communication because both people do not want to cause the other any pain, something long-distance relationships can be very vulnerable to.

Perhaps they don’t tell their person how they are feeling about something their partner did that hurt them. Perhaps they aren’t good at sharing their feelings with their partner or forget to send them flowers on a special occasion.

Perhaps they are making plans to travel to see them but don’t share that they are. Perhaps they just forget that they were supposed to address a serious topic that had been put on hold for another conversation.

Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt their person or because they aren’t good communicators or because they just don’t want to communicate at all, this lack of communication can be a long-distance relationship killer.

I have a client whose partner was forced to move away for a few months because he was struggling financially. He didn’t tell her he was planning to do this, he just announced it one day.

She was angry. She hadn’t signed up for a long-distance relationship and was angry that he hadn’t told her about what he was considering.

Even worse, when he moved, he shut down talking to her. He told her he was too depressed to talk some days. He didn’t share any efforts that he was making to come back. He was impatient with her for trying to talk about these things. He didn’t want to hurt her because he wasn’t making any progress so he always changed the subject.

Ultimately, my client said no more and walked away. This lack of communication about a life that she thought they were building together killed everything for her.

Interestingly, my client’s parter was shocked. He didn’t know that what he was doing, not talking about difficult subjects, had caused her so much pain. He was just trying to protect her and not drive her away. And yet he did just that.

#8 – Cheating.

Cheating can destroy any relationship and even more so a long-distance relationship.

Infidelity is often the result of lack of communication. It is about becoming disconnected from someone. Its about the lack of intimacy. It is about pretty much everything that is a given in a long-distance relationship.

As a result, cheating is something that can happen pretty organically.

Why? Because everything that we want in a relationship is right at our fingers. We don’t need to long to see our partner, to stay up late at nights talking on the phone, wondering when we are going to see our person again.

Instead, someone else is right there in front of them, someone they can touch and smell and look at in the eye. Cheating, with an absence of these things from an existing romantic partner, can be irresistible.

The key to preventing cheating is communication. Usually, for someone to cheat, it is the result of weeks or months of becoming disconnected, of not having sex, of being impatient for things to move forward. Instead of letting these issues lead you to cheating on your person, talk with them about how you are feeling. Figure out how you can resolve these issues and keep your relationship together.

After all, cheating is unacceptable and a very painful way to leave a relationship, or, even worse, something that can be very hard to come back from if one stays.

#9 – The high cost of travel.

This last that that can kill a long-distance relationship is pretty straight forward and, unfortunately, something that you can do very little about.

In 2023, travel costs are higher than they have been in years. Airfare is through the roof and hotel rooms are 30% more expensive then in 2019. Millions of people want to travel after Covid-19 so it can be difficult to make travel plans, no matter how small.

Being in a long-distance relationship has always been very expensive because of the things that must be done to keep you connected and the high price of travelling in 2023 makes it even more so, perhaps so much more that travel is just not possible.

I know it is hard to consider the high cost of anything to keep a relationship working but, in this case, the very thing that is necessary to make one work just might not be accessible to you which might, I am afraid, kill your relationship, even if everything else is going great.

Knowing what kills long distance relationships is important to understand before you embark on one.

We all just want to love and be loved and are willing to make the sacrifice of distance from their loved one to make that love work.

And long-distance relationships can work and they do everyday. But they are full of obstacles, obstacles that being aware of is the key to navigating.

So, read this article with your partner. See if you are both on board with making things work as you decide whether or not a long-distance relationship is right for you.

You do not want to waste time if you aren’t both all in. After all, any moment that we waste in our search for love puts off finding the real thing that much further away.