Save Your Love: How To Fix A Toxic Relationship

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So many of my clients initially come to me to learn how to fix a toxic relationship and being happy again. Is it even possible?

And my response? YES!

That being said, it’s not easy and takes some determination on both sides.

But many couples who once loved each other have done the hard work and found their way back to each other, often times happier than ever.

So, how is it possible to fix a toxic relationship and be happy again? Let me share.

#1 – Make sure that everyone is on board.

Many of my clients tell me that they aren’t quitters. That they will never give up their efforts to fix their toxic relationship.

And I say that’s great, BUT there is no reason to keep fighting if your partner isn’t on board 100%.

Imagine any sporting event baseball, football, tennis, golf. Imagine that one of you is out there, excited to play, working hard to play well and eager for the outcome. Imagine if the other team, or the other player, has no interest in playing. They stand around bored and unengaged. They put no effort into their play. They have no attachment at all to the outcome.

Would you find that situation enjoyable? Would it be something that you wanted to repeat? Would it help you develop your skills? Would you be frustrated that your partner didn’t care?

So it is in a relationship. If one person is all in, fighting every day to fix the toxic relationship, reading books, watching TikTok, taking seminars, coming up with activities, and the other person does not care, the relationship fixing will get exactly nowhere.

Before fixing your relationship, talk with your partner to see if they are all in. To see if they want your relationship to be fixed and if they are willing to do the work to get there.

If they don’t, fixing a toxic relationship won’t be possible, and it will be time to walk away!

#2 – Make a list.

Now that you know that your partner is interested in fixing your toxic relationship, it is time to talk about what is wrong.

With many couples, the things they struggle with can be dramatically different. Understanding what each other is struggling with is key to fixing the relationship.

I know that when I was married, what my ex and I struggled with were dramatically different.

I struggled with him not being present in our family’s life. I struggled with his alcohol drinking and his quick temper. I struggled with feeling like he didn’t see me. I struggled with his inability to follow through on a promise.

For him, I think he struggled with me ignoring him. With me not respecting him. With me not wanting to have sex. With the limitations on his free time, that was the result of our busy family.

As a result, when we tried to fix our toxic relationship, we were coming at it from such a different place that we could not make any progress, and every time we tried, we eventually gave up.

I suggest that my clients set a time with their partner to discuss what they need from the marriage. They know that the discussion might be painful but that they both be willing to make themselves vulnerable for the sake of the relationship.

Each partner can take the time beforehand to assess what they need to be happy, which can be shared during the meeting. Shared without judgement or blame, just shared.

Once the partners come to a mutual understanding of what the other is dealing with then, the healing process can begin.

#3 – Make a list of things that need to change.

We tend to want to fix everything simultaneously when presented with the need to fix something. And that can often fail.

Think about your New Year’s Resolution to get healthy, eat better, get in shape, and be kinder.

Wow! That seems pretty daunting to me! And, more often than not, something like that is daunting to the resolution setter, and, as a result, they ultimately give up.

What if, instead of the goal to be healthy,we start small. Perhaps it is drinking only three times a week. Or getting to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. Or being more patient with your sister.

One small thing at which you can have success.

Once you accomplish that one thing, you will feel good about yourself and more motivated to take on the next. As time passes and you succeed at each thing, you might ultimately find that you have kept your New Year’s resolution.

This idea works with a relationship that needs to be fixed. Starting small might make it possible to fix it.

I always encourage each person to choose one thing”—one thing that, if it is different, it will have the biggest effect. Once you know those things, you can discuss what would work to change them.

If my ex could have followed through on what he said he would do, that would have helped me a lot in my desire to fix our relationship.

If I had been clear with him that it was an issue and we had discussed what he could do to make change, he would been given the tools that he needed to help me with this issue.

If he had done the same for me, I would have had clarity around what he needed from me.

Instead of trying to be “happier, we could have strived to fix one small part of the relationship that made us miserable.

I wish we had done that then – we might still be married now if we had!

#4 – Set benchmarks.

The is one of the essential tools that make it possible to fix a toxic relationship”—setting benchmarks around the work that you are doing.

The definition of benchmark serves as a standard by which others may be measured or judged. It is the point at which you evaluate the efficacy of a process.

In trying to fix a relationship, I always encourage couples to give themselves a timeline. To establish a date, or series of dates, on which they will come back together and discuss the progress that they are making.

Many couples get together and figure out what needs to be fixed and then set out to fix it. And then, life gets in the way, and their efforts stop despite their best intentions. And then those same problems rear their ugly heads again.

To prevent this from happening, I encourage couples to define a time to come back together to assess their work status. To evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Or to discuss that all efforts seem to have ceased.

By doing this, they will hold themselves accountable for the work they promised to do and, hopefully, set themselves up for success.

#5 – Get support.

I know that the idea of marriage counseling is abhorrent to many people.

Women often feel like their partners aren’t fully involved, and men often feel like therapy involves a litany of everything they have ever done wrong over their relationship.

I would argue that marriage counseling can be different and more effective.

If couples can work together ahead of time to identify the issues (as I encouraged in #2) and then bring these lists to the counselor, they will have a starting point that is not about what everyone is doing wrong but rather about what needs to be fixed.

Working with a counselor, or a life coach, will help teach people the skills to do what you want. To understand how to successfully reach the benchmarks set for each item.

We all would like to be born with the skills needed to fix a relationship, but sometimes, we aren’t. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it. Sometimes we don’t understand what or how, something needs to be done. Sometimes just a little bit of guidance can make a big difference!

So, to make it possible to fix a toxic relationship, sometimes support is precisely what you need.

I hope you now see that it is possible to fix a toxic relationship and understand some of the steps you can take to do so.

I know that the prospect of doing the work to fix the relationship might be daunting, but I am also guessing that, if you are reading this article, it is something that you want to do.

So, talk to your person. Get an understanding of whether they are all in. Make a list of what needs to be fixed and choose to address one thing. Set benchmarks for the work, so you do not lose sight of what needs to be done, and get support if needed.

Remember, thousands of couples fix their toxic relationship every day.

You can too!

5 Best Ways to Forgive Yourself, and Your Ex, After Your Divorce

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Eight years ago, a friend said to me It was time to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I had been divorced for almost 5 years, and I was still so angry at him, and every time I saw him or thought about what had happened, I sank to a dark place.

I wanted so badly to move on, but I did not know how.

Forgiveness is always a concept that has been difficult for me to grasp. It’s genetic  my mom could never forgive anyone for anything. I don’t want to be like her but know I need to be.

So I set out to learn more about forgiveness so that I would maybe be able to move on.

I learned that definition of to forgive is “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.”

I found that very interesting. I had always assumed that to forgive someone was to actually forget the hurts, like they had never happened.

And that, I could not do.

But, it seems that to forgive is more about letting go of the harsh feelings. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened but just letting go of your anger about it.

So, armed with this new knowledge, I set out on the difficult journey towards forgiveness.

Let me share with you 5 ways to forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

I want to share that journey with you now so that you too can forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

# 1 – Take ownership.

One thing that I did for a while after my divorce was play the victim.

My ex-husband had left me for his college girlfriend. I was devastated. I had been blindsided, and I had been replaced.

I fed my anger around my divorce with this narrative for years that I was the innocent victim and had been abandoned.

A therapist suggested to me that I look past what happened him walking out on me and look at what happened before that moment. What had been happening in our marriage leading up to this point? What had made our marriage vulnerable to him leaving?

It wasn’t hard for me to connect with my role in what happened in our marriage. It was buried right below the surface and I hadn’t wanted to face it and had instead focused on what he had done wrong.

But, once I was honest with myself, I recognized that my role in the end of our marriage was not a small one.

I know that I had ignored him for years and often treated him with contempt. That he was fifth in our household, after the kids and the dogs. That I never had sex with him barely touched him some days that I would choose spending time with my friends over him, every time.

Internalizing these things was not easy I had been angry at him for so long that I had some walls to break through. But, once I accepted my role in what had happened, I was definitely on the path to forgiving myself and him for our divorce.

So, what part did you play in the end of your marriage? Taking stock of it and internalizing it will put you on the path to forgiving yourself and your ex after your divorce.

#2 – Do not get mired in regrets.

I am someone who can easily get mired in regrets. To obsess about things that I had done wrong in the past, about the bad choices I had made, about how things should have been.

Those regrets were my constant companion, and they were not healthy.

A very wise man (my fiance) said, during one of my trips down memory lane, that I was doing the best that I could with the information that I had at the time.

Those words were life changing.

Sure, it is easy to remember what had gone wrong in my marriage. To obsess over different choices that I could have made or actions that I could have taken would have led to a different outcome.

Perhaps, I would think, if I had only done things differently, we would still be married, and my kids would have an intact family.

But how I am now isn’t how I was when we were married. I was young, and I was harried and I had no idea to navigate many of the obstacles that were presented on the path to my marriage being a happy one. My husband was the same. We didn’t know what we were doing, more often than not.

Sure, I could get mired in the what could have beens but, the reality is, that I can’t change what happened. The past is the past. I also do not have any idea what the outcome would have been had a made a different choice or done something differently.

Yes, things might have been better but could have also been worse. I don’t know, and spending even a moment regretting what might have been or what might not have been is a waste of good time.

So, if you are focusing on the past more often than not, stop. If you do, you might find that you can forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#3 – Recognize that we are all only human

When you got married, did someone give you a manual about how to be married?

Did you return from your honeymoon with a clear path to a happy marriage?

Were people full of consistent advice about how to make a marriage work?

I am guessing not.

So, as you moved forward in your marriage, you had no idea what you were doing.

You were being human and you were making mistakes.

Sure, in the movies and on TV, we see perfect marriages, where people always seem to know what to do or say and where issues get resolved in 30-90 minutes. But that isn’t how real life, and real marriage, is.

Real marriage is messy. It involves arguments and financial woes and kid issues and extended family stress and all of the other stuff that makes up life.

It’s insane to think that two people could navigate these things without a struggle.

I am guessing that there are very few people who, when they get married, set out to intentionally sabotage their marriages. What happens, instead, is that imperfect people try to work together to get through things that happen, good and bad, and, sometimes, they just don’t succeed.

Once I was able to accept this fact ” that my ex-husband and I were only two human beings, doing the best that we could in the world was I able to move towards the forgiveness, for me and for him, that I so desired.

#4 – Take stock of all that is good now.

So, be honest with yourself. Are things pretty good right now? If not right now, do you have some hope for the future?

I have a client who was in a very abusive relationship. She tried for years to get out and, about a year ago, she managed to finally do so.

Since then, her life has not been perfect. Her son won’t talk to her because of the divorce. Her ex-husband continues to be a dick. She can’t find a job in her chosen profession. The future might be bright but it’s pretty murky right now.

Last week, when she was feeling really down, I reminded her of what it was like when she was married. Yes, now was rough but was it better than being married?

Her answer?  YES!

From where I sit, someone who was resoundingly dumped by the father of my children 12 years ago, life is pretty damn good.

Since the divorce, I moved to NYC and started a new business. I have travelled to places that I always longed to see. I have made lots of new friends and I have met the love of my life. We will be married in the spring.

If I hadn’t gotten divorced, none of those things would have happened and who knows where I would be today.

How does your life look right now? Is there hope for your future? Is your life just a little bit better now that that toxic marriage is over?

Consider this and it might just help you forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#5 – Resolve to do things differently.

This one is key.

The resolution to not repeat the mistakes that you made in your marriage the first time around.

In my next marriage, I know that I will do my best to pay attention to my husband, even when I have something going on. I will not pout or sulk when I don’t get my way. I won’t walk away during an argument and I will try to make him my priority.

I don’t want this marriage to end the way my first one did.

Can you imagine how hard it would be to forgive yourself and your ex, after your divorce if you made the same mistakes over again?

How badly you would feel about yourself if you did the very things that broke your first marriage apart?

How would you ever forgive yourself if you had to put yourself through another horrible divorce?

So, make sure that you take stock of your role in the demise of your marriage so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

So there you go, 5 ways to forgive yourself after a divorce.

Remember forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is about letting go of the anger and hurt around what happened.

And you don’t want to forget. You want to let go of the pain but it’s important to remember what happened in the past so that you do not make the same mistakes again, so that you can have the life, and the love, that you want this time around.

I know that you can do this to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I did it and you can too!

 

The One Thing You Need To Do To Get Your Happily Ever After

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Are you starting to despair that you will ever get your happily ever after with the man of your dreams?

Have you been looking everywhere for your prince but has every person let you down, over and over?

Are you ready to give up?

Let me tell you that it is possible to get your happily ever after by doing just one thing!

And what is that thing?

That thing is recognizing, and accepting, that your happily ever after is never going to be like what you see in movies or one TV.

Does that mean that you need to settle? That you won’t ever get the romance that you long for? That you must accept whatever comes along or to make do with what is in front of you?

NO!

What it means is that, if you can add a little dose of reality into your dream of finding your prince, and the life that you will live with him, you will be way more likely to be able to find, and keep, the love you seek!

So, how do you do that? What must you do to find your happily ever with the man of your dreams? Let me share!

#1 – Don’t expect perfection.

Think about every rom-com that you have ever seen. Think Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt, Tom Hanks, Hugh Grant, Ryan Reynolds.

The characters that they play are literally the most perfect guys in the world. They are handsome, smart and emotionally intelligent. They know how to say the right things and be there when we need them. They have just the right amount of money, have a cool job, have a perfect family and maybe even an adorable kid.

They, and they alone, can give the protagonist the happily ever after they have always wanted.

But they, I am afraid, are characters created by writers the ideal of what every woman wants.

I am afraid that the rom-coms on which we have based everything we believe a relationship should be are exactly the things that hold us back from finding a good one.

Why? Because nobody is perfect.

Sure, many guys are as handsome as any movie star but they might be also guys who say the wrong things, or who don’t have a very high EQ. They might be guys who are struggling with their jobs or who have a fraught relationship with their families.

But they also might be guys who are working hard to get ahead at work, who volunteer at food shelters, who know that they don’t always say the right thing but are working on it. And those imperfect guys are exactly the guys you want!

So, if the guy you love isn’t perfect, that is ok. It’s important that you love someone, warts and all. Don’t walk away because your person won’t meet you on the top of the Empire State Building with his adorable kid in tow!

#2 – Don’t ignore your differences.

Think Breakfast Club. Think Pretty Woman. Think Crazy Rich Asians. Think 10 Things I Hate About You. Think Dirty Dancing.

Think about almost any other rom-com that you ever seen.

What is the one underlying theme that they all have in common?

The idea that two people from entirely different walks of life can fall madly in love and build a life together.

And that, I am afraid, isn’t as easy as it sounds.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me because they are struggling with their partner and a big part of that struggle is because they come from such different backgrounds.

For one of my clients, her boyfriend was raised in a super religious, off-the-grid kind of family. Nothing at all like her middle class, sub-division upbringing. She just does not understand why he does the things he does and neither does he.

For another client, her boyfriend grew up in an orphan in the inner city. He had made it out and is very successful but he has a hard time being ok with the fancy trips her family takes every Christmas.

It can be very hard for people from different backgrounds, different levels of education, different political or religious beliefs, to build a life together. Each person is the way they are because of their background and if those things do not necessarily jive, it can be hard work to meet somewhere where both are comfortable.

And this can be a huge issue. Especially once children come along.

Now, I am not saying that this can’t happen. Every day, people who are very different do make their relationship work. But they have to dig deep and be willing to work together to do so, to do things differently and to accept differences.

So, if you want to get your happily ever after, be aware that, sometimes, while getting the bad boy from the other side of the tracks might be very romantic, as time goes on you could find that that exact thing is what drives you apart.

#3 – Don’t expect quick resolutions.

Movies last about 2 hours, usually. And, over the course of that two hours, two people meet, fall in love, struggle with an issue and then resolve it and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life it doesn’t work that way.

Couples have issues. Sometimes issues can be resolved really quickly but others take time. And, both people in the relationship need to be willing to do the work to resolve them.

Unfortunately, while this is easily done in the movies, not so much in real life.

Why? Because, unlike characters written for movies, many people just don’t have the skills that are important for working through issues.

And, even worse, sometimes people do have those skills but they don’t match up with their partners, and, therefore, doing the work to resolve the issue can be impossible.

There is one particular thing that I hear my clients believe they need to do, something that I always see in movies and, when I do, I always yell at the screen.

It happens when a couple is having a disagreement and one person makes a statement, something somewhat profound, and then they turn and walk away, leaving their person unable to say anything, left to consider what their partner has just said.

This makes me crazy!

For couples to work through issues, they must talk about them. No storming away, hoping that your person will follow you (like you see in the movies). No issuing ultimatums, hoping that your person will just love you enough to change (like you see in the movies).

Resolutions are messy. They are fraught with emotions. They are sometimes unattainable.

If you can accept that any issues that arise might not resolve quickly, that you are two different people with two different perspectives and that you might want different things, that things don’t resolve easily like they do in the movies, then you just might get your happily ever because you won’t be let down every time an issue doesn’t get resolved right away.

#4- Don’t expect world rocking sex.

When I was growing up (yes, back in the dark ages) our access to sex was limited.

Sure, we could steal our father’s Playboy and maybe stumble upon some porn on cable TV but, more often than not, sex in movies and on TV was hard to find.

Things are different now. Sex is everywhere. Men grow up watching porn regularly. Detailed sex scenes in movies are the norm. Advertisements show perfect bodies and don’t even get me started on social media!

But, I need to tell you that the sex you see in movies isn’t real sex. It is not even close.

I remember watching The Affair. The two people who were having the affair had the most amazing sex. I used to watch it and wish that my sex was like theirs. And, when I had sex with my boyfriend, I was almost always disappointed.

So, if you want to get your happily ever after, know that sex is messy. That different people like different things. That don’t always orgasm together. That people have hair in places you don’t expect it.

And that is ok.

#5- Don’t assume that love conquers all.

This is the one that breaks my heart the most having to break it to my clients that love doesn’t conquer all.

Why, oh why, can’t they just be together? They love each other very much but the relationship just isn’t working. Won’t their love ultimately prevail?

Sadly, usually, no.

Again, people are only human. They bring their own peccadillos into every relationship. They have different levels of emotional IQs. They have jobs that are stressful and difficult family relationships.

And, no matter how hard a couple tries to make it, sometimes there are things that just can’t be overcome.

One of my clients has just broken up with her boyfriend of 6 years. She tried so hard to make it work but they were just too different. She was silly and spontaneous, he was more serious and sedentary.

She tried to twist herself into a pretzel to make things work but it just didn’t.

She broke up with him, primarily because their personalities just didn’t match.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him but that love wasn’t enough to make her happy or keep the relationship afloat.

Again, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes the love is enough to find success working through the issues. The love opens people up to doing the work that they need to do to find their way back to each other.

But it doesn’t always. And accepting that, accepting that sometimes things just don’t work and that you must move on, is the best way to find the love that you are seeking.

So, there you go, the things that you must recognize and accept if you want to get your happily ever after.

I know that none of this seems romantic and that that makes you sad. But the reality is is that true love, true romance, can be achieved if everyone recognizes that life is not like the rom-coms.

By accepting that people aren’t perfect, that the sex might just be messy, that things don’t resolve quickly and that love doesn’t always conquer all, you give yourself the space to find real love, a love that can last a life time.

And, while this might be different than the stuff you see in movies, it really is the key to getting the happily ever after you have always wanted!

 

 

 

 

The #1 Thing That Makes Your Wife Feel Safe and Secure

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Good for you for wondering what makes your wife feel safe and secure.

Many men don’t do that and, as a result, their marriages fail.

I know that when I was married, my husband tried to make me feel safe. He worked hard, walked on the curbside of the road, anticipated what action he would take in every bad scenario but he never truly made me feel safe.

We are divorced now not surprisingly.

So, what is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure?

You are going to love this one truly. I know that it’s incredibly hard but you can do it!

The #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure communication!

Ok, so, now you know Let me tell you why and how you can communicate in a way that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

#1 – If you communicate with your wife she will trust you.

Ok, this one might be hard to understand.

How can communicating with your wife make her trust you?

Ask yourself do you know what is going on in your wife’s head every day? Do you know if she is working through a problem, feeling hopeful for the future, wondering who is going to pick up the kids from school, how she will ever be able to go to the gym?

I am guessing probably not.

And, chances are, she can’t read your mind either.

So, there you are, going about your day, having no idea how your spouse is feeling, not knowing the things that they are managing, maybe struggling to manage.

If you guys talk to each other, things will change dramatically.

For example, if your wife is feeling frustrated by all of the things on her plate, by you asking her what she has going on, she will know that you care. If you ask her how she is doing, she can celebrate with you that she is doing well or share with you that she is struggling. If you share with her that your day is crazy and that you won’t get home in time for dinner, she might be disappointed but she can plan accordingly.

In all of these cases, it’s talking to each other that makes your woman feel safe because it makes her trust you, to trust that you are being open and transparent with her.

Talking to her makes her feel seen and heard. Talking to her makes her feel confident that you know what is going on in your lives. Talking to her makes her secure that she can trust you to help her manage her moods and all the crazy things that are going on in both of your lives.

I know that communication can be challenging for men. Women spend 24/7 communicating with other women in their lives and they have always done so. As a result, communication is easy. Men haven’t exercised that muscle as much and therefore they struggle with it.

But you can do it. If the goal is to make your wife feel safe and secure, communication can make your wife trust you and therefore feel that way.

#2 – If you communicate with your wife she will feel loved.

For women, a lot of feeling safe and loved is feeling like we are being heard and appreciated. It is being told that we are doing things well and that we are being noticed. It is being empathized with when we are struggling.

Think about the times where you and your wife have been forced to communicate. Perhaps it’s because of a fight. Perhaps it was because you needed to co-ordinate the kid’s hockey schedule. Perhaps it is because you go out to dinner and actually spend a few hours across the table from each other, talking about this and that.

While the fight was, I am sure, uncomfortable, it was, to some degree at least, a form of communication. And, if the fight was resolved and the issue put to bed, that is a success for both of you. Do you often find that you have make up sex after a fight, after being forced to communicate? And I am guessing sex makes her feel safe and secure, no?

Perhaps if you talk together about making a plan for the soccer weekend, she will know that you will be a part of how it’s all going to come together and that she is not alone in making things happen. That would feel really good, to not have to carry the whole load on her shoulders.

Perhaps it’s just a night out, the two of you. Talking about this and that but actually talking to each other and not at each other.

In all of those instances, you make your wife feel safe and secure. You make her feel loved. And feeling loved is what a woman wants, more than almost anything in the world!

#3 – If you communicate with your wife you will stay connected.

The number one thing that causes a marriage to disintegrate is the absence of communication.

Think about when you were first together. Didn’t you stay up late at night, talking about your hopes and dreams. There weren’t many hours spent making plans for the weekend or for a vacation. Were there regular dinners out, talking about sports and clothes and pets and holidays?

Didn’t you feel connected? So connected, in fact, that you asked her to marry you.

And now, here you are, however many years down the road and that connection has disintegrated.

Kids and work and chores and money and extended family, all of the mundane things of everyday life, have gotten in the way of you and your wife feeling connected.

And, when your wife isn’t feeling connected, she isn’t feeling safe and secure.

Talking with you, her partner in life and love, will allow her to feel the connection that she once felt, to feel loved and safe and certain about the future.

Again, if your wife feels connected to you, she is way more likely to want to have sex with you. If that isn’t enough of an argument for working on your communication skills, I don’t know what is.

So, there you go, why communication is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

I know that the idea is scary. That you don’t think that you can communicate in a way that will make her feel all of those things (although perhaps you know that you can, in which case, go for it!)

What I want to remind you is that you do have the ability to communicate. I mean, you did it at the beginning of your relationship, well enough that she agreed to marry you. So, can dig deep, find that communication muscle and start to work it?

I would encourage you to talk to someone (namely me!) to help you work on building your communication skills. There are also some great articles and videos on social media that can help you out.

All of this being said, there is one way that communicate will NOT make your wife feel safe and secure listening to her and then trying to fix her.

Woman want to be heard and empathized with they don’t to be fixed. I would encourage you to think about this because, for many men, the instinct to fix instead of listen is almost innate. If you can be aware of this and try to listen and not fix, you will go a long way towards making your wife feel safe and secure.

Here is a video that I love. It shows (in a humorous way) how to communicate with your woman to make her feel loved and to not fix her.

You can make your wife feel safe and secure. I know you can!

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

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Are you trying to help someone who is really hurting after a break up?

Is someone you care about in the worst place possible, struggling with a broken heart?

I know that watching someone you love struggle with a break up can be heartbreaking but I also know that you want to help them get through it and out the other side.

So, how can you help someone who is really hurting after a break up in a way that you know will help them, that won’t hold them back from healing, that will help them find the love that they seek?

Let me share.

#1 – Let them know that you are there for them.

I know that you are probably thinking that your person knows that you are there for them.

I am guessing that a big part of your life right now is spent processing the break up. Late night talks, lots of wine and ice cream, binge watching trash TV, harshing on the new ex.

And those things are great but make sure that your person knows that they can count on you, 100%.

Heartbreak often lasts longer than a friend’s attention span. Of course, we are sad for our person and we know that their heartbreak is real but sometimes the recovery can go on and on and on.

And our lives must go on.

And that is when it’s important that someone who is hurting after a break up knows that you are there. You might not still be regularly processing what happened but make sure that you let them know that you see their pain and that you love them unconditionally and, even if you aren’t able to process it 24/7, that you understand that they must grieve a bit longer.

And that you see them and you support them.

So, make sure that your person knows that you are there for them, right now during the processing phase, and down the road, if need be.

#2 -Don’t try to fix them.

I know that the inclination to fix your friend is huge. I mean, you want to do whatever you can to ease their pain.

Unfortunately, trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to be fixed will only be counterproductive. Not only will they not be fixed but they might even get worse!

What do I mean by fix them?

By telling them that they need to snap out of it. By setting them up with other people. By not supporting them in the ups and downs about the feelings of their ex and their relationship.

By telling them how you would be thinking about this break up or what you would be doing differently or how you are frustrated that they aren’t listening to your advice.

No one wants to be fixed. For many of us, feeling like we need to be fixed only makes the way that we are feeling worse.

What we need, instead of fixing, is to be seen and heard. To know that our person is there for them, that they truly understand that they are struggling and why. That their person will listen and empathize and occasionally rant with us.

Not that our person thinks that we should be doing things a certain way on a certain timeline.

So, even though you can see clearly your loves one’s pathway back to happiness, know that it is their journey and that you are just along for the ride.

#3 – Get them out of the house.

A key way to help someone who is hurting after a break up is by getting them out of the house.

When we have a broken heart, we want to isolate. We want to curl up in a ball on our couch, cry, eat ice cream and listen to sad songs.

What we don’t want to do is anything that involves taking a shower and putting on shoes.

While I don’t want you to fix your friend, I do want you to encourage them to get up off the couch and get outside.

To go for a walk or to the movies or to eat ice cream in the park instead of on the couch.

To breath fresh air and to experience nature and to recognize that there is a big wide world out there, one that will be there as we go on this journey.

To remember that there is life outside of our four walls, life that just might bring us happiness down the road.

Are you perhaps trying to do this but failing? If yes, I would encourage you to make it like this is something that YOU need. That you need a walk or ice cream or a rom-com and that you really want them to share it with you.

Hopefully, your loved one will want to do something for you, especially if you have been supporting them as they go through this.

Remember Fresh air + sunshine + ice cream = hope!

#4 – Don’t invite them to couple things.

I know that I previously told you that it is important that you get your loved one out of the house but I would enourage you NOT to get them out of the house by inviting them to couples things.

I would not encourage you to invite them for dinner with your partner. Or to a dinner party where they will be the only single person. Or to a night out with people who are in all in solid relationships.

I know you are hoping that by seeing happy couples you might inspire your friend to get past the break up but, for now, they don’t need to see other people happy.

They don’t need to be reminded of what being in a couple looks like.

They don’t need to miss the relationship that they had with their ex.

They don’t need to see couples who seem like they are made for each other and have no issues.

They don’t need to despair that they will never love or be loved again.

For now, I would encourage you to track down all of your single friends and head out for a night on the town, or whatever.

There is nothing like shared experience to help people heal. To spend time with others who are single, who are still seeking love and who have healed from broken hearts themselves, is the best medicine for someone with a broken heart.

#5 – Hold them accountable for stalking.

This is a tough one because it is much like fixing but this is an important part of supporting someone who is really hurting after a break up.

The instinct to stalk an ex is a big one. I am not saying that we want to track them down and boil their bunny but what we do want to do is to keep tabs on them, to see what their lives are like, to see if they are happy.

Unfortunately, there are so many ways to do that these days. There is, of course, social media which, I believe, is the worst thing in existence for someone who is struggling with a broken heart.

In the old days, we used to have to get off the couch to see what our exes were up to but now we can just pick up our phones and see what they are doing.

Are they happy? Having new adventures? Missing you? Have they found someone new? Have they forgotten you completely?

And, usually no matter what we see, we feel bad after looking.

So, if there one thing that I would encourage you to do is to encourage your friend to not stalk their ex.

Don’t drive them past their exes house. Unfriend and unfollow them yourself. Don’t ask mutual friends for information to share with your loved one.

Do whatever you can do to keep your loved one away from any sort of information about their ex.

By doing so you will help them get past their ex quicker. Why? Because every time they have contact with their ex, even if it’s just a picture, they are back to square one with their healing.

All that processing that you have already done will be for naught.

So, do what you can to encourage your loved one from stalking their ex. If you do, you just might find that the heartbreak passes quicker and you will have more time on your hands to have fun!

Knowing how to help someone who is really hurting after a break up is not always an easy thing.

The mental anguish that comes from heartbreak can be devastating to watch and it can leave us feeling overwhelmed about what to do.

But you can do this you can help your friend get through this. A broken heart is never fatal and we have all survived them.

Your friend will too, with you there supporting them but not trying to fix them, by getting them out of the couch, by not forcing them to spend time with couples and by keeping them away from their ex at all costs.

They, and you, will get through this and you will be able to return to the life and laughter you had before.

I promise!

 

 

 

How to Stick to Your New Year’s Resolution to Leave Your Married Man

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Did you set a new year’s resolution to leave your married man?

Have you just had enough and do you know that you need to move on?

Good for you!

As you know, because you have probably tried to do so 1000 times, breaking up with, and staying broken up with, your married man can seem impossible.

But, if you are reading this, I am guessing that now that you have set a new year’s resolution to leave your married man, you really want to follow through because you want your 2023 to be better than your 2022.

To that end, here are 5 things that you can do to stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man so that you can move forward and find the love that you desire.

#1 – Be firm in your decision.

First and foremost, as with any resolution, it is important that you are determined to do this. That you know that it’s time to break up with him and that you are 100% clear that you are ready to do so.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man, I tried to break up with him many times.

I wanted to break up with him because he wouldn’t leave his wife. I wanted to break up with him because I wasn’t a priority. I wanted to break up with him because I was lonely on holidays. I wanted to break up with him because our relationship was distracting me from my life and making me isolate from my friends.

So, I told myself that I would break up with him and that I would be done with him.

But, if I am honest with myself, I broke up with him for one reason. I believed that if I broke up with him, he would miss me and leave his wife and we would live happily ever after.

With an attitude like that, I wasn’t really leaving him. I was hoping that by breaking up with him I would spur him into action. By breaking up with him, I was actually hoping to cement our relationship, not let it go.

So, this time, if you are going to keep your new Year resolution to leave your married man, you must decide that you are truly ready to do it. That you are doing it so that you can have the life that you want, to be happy and to find love, not because you are hoping that he will get lonely and jealous and come back to you, promising you happily ever after!

#2 – Do things differently this time.

So, I am sure that you have tried to break up with your married man before.

And you have failed to do so. Maybe even failed to do so over and over.

It is essential that, if you want to keep your new year’s resolution to leave your married man, you do things differently this time.

Take stock of what you have done before. Have you invited him to your house to have the conversation privately? Have you reached out to him a few days later for some closure? Have you done something that would make him want to break up with you? Have you broken up with him only to reach out to him on his birthday or your anniversary, believing that you can do so as a friend? Have you begged him to not let you go and then broken up with him when he doesn’t fight for you?

Have none of those things worked in the past? I bet they haven’t.

It is essential that, if you want to have success breaking up with him this time round, you do things differently. Something that will make the break up stick this time.

If talking to him face to face hasn’t worked before, because you see him and you lose your resolution to break up, talk to him over the phone instead.

If talking to him over the phone, hearing the sound of his voice begging you to not break up with him, makes you feel bad and prevents you from breaking up with him, text him that you need this to be over. You can even ghost him.

If you know that he is going to reach out on holidays, block him everywhere.

If you have begged him before to not let you go, don’t show any emotions during this break up. Be clear and concise and businesslike don’t give him an opportunity to appeal to your emotions.

What I always recommend to my clients is that they text their married man to tell them that they are done, for good this time, and then, before they respond, to block them everywhere. This seems to make it easier for women because they don’t feel like they are being rude by ghosting their married man but are being clear by blocking them.

If that doesn’t work, you have my permission to ghost them.

Whatever it takes for you to not make the same mistakes again and get the break up to stick!

#3 – Recognize why he won’t let you go.

Another thing that you can do to stick to your new Year resolution to let go of your married man is to take stock of why he does not want to let you go.

Most likely, if you are trying to break up with him, the reason is because he won’t leave his wife. And, you are totally justified in doing so. You need to take care of yourself and your own happiness.

Unfortunately, while your married man says he loves you, the reasons that he doesn’t want you to break up with him have nothing to do with that love. They have to do with what he wants.

If your married man truly put you and your happiness first, he would know that breaking up with him would be the best thing that he could do for you. He knows that you are miserable and that he can’t keep his promises to you and that he most likely never will. It would be a gift to you that he let you go so that you can get on with your life.

BUT, your married man most likely isn’t putting your needs first. Your married man wants you around for his own selfish reasons. He wants you around because you make him feel loved and taken care of. He gets regular, probably exciting, sex from you. When he is with you, he gets to step out of his mundane life and feel alive. And he can have all that and stay with his family too.

I encourage you to take stock of the reasons that your married man wants to keep you around. Maybe if you see that they have nothing to do with you, it might make it easier to keep your resolution this time around!

#4 – Fill your life with other things.

I am guessing that your married man takes up a considerable amount of your time.

Even if you aren’t actually with him, you are most likely making sure that you are available whenever he wants you. That you keep your phone close, distracting you from being present with your friends. That don’t do things with your friends because you want to keep the time open in case he is free.

I am guessing that, over the course of this relationship, you have increasingly isolated yourself from those you care about and neglected the things you like to do.

If you want to stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man, I would encourage you to get back to the life you had before you met him, the person you were before he came along.

What does that look like? Perhaps taking up running again. Having Sunday brunch with your friends. Planning a hiking trip with your sister. Volunteering for that time consuming project at work that you know will bring you lots of accolades if you successfully pull it off.

Whatever you can do to fill the time that you would have spent with or waiting around for him. And to not only fill the time but to do so with things that will make you feel good about yourself.

Things that make you feel accomplished, that make you feel loved, that make you feel worthy of happiness and true love.

Breaking up with your married guy and sitting around like you have for months, keeping space open for him, will only prevent you from following through with the break up with way you want to.

#5 – Don’t reinvent history.

Whenever I broke up with my married guy, I found that I was reinventing who he was and what our relationship was like.

I remember missing all of the love and support he gave me, how he used to listen to me when I needed him to and guide me when I was feeling lost. This made me miss him and seek to get back together with him. Over and over.

And then, during another break up, I stumbled upon a diary that I had kept a few months back. In it were some things that really surprised me.

I wrote about how he never listened to me that whenever I talked I felt like he was always waiting for me to finish so that he could say something. I read about all of the times that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I read about the loneliness that I would feel when I got off the phone with him as he headed home to his family.

Reading those things changed things for me. Instead of missing things that I had created in my head, I was able to clearly see the truth about how he treated me. I was able to remember the things that he did that made me feel bad and that were most likely a big reason why I broke up with him.

Remembering those things made me not want to reach out to him to reconcile. They only reinforced my determination to stay steady in my desire to break up and I stayed away from him.

I know that, without a doubt, you can stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married man.

Even if you have failed to do so since New Years Day, you still can do it now and keep it going forward.

When I finally broke up with my married man, I did so by ghosting him. He had hurt me one time too many. Ghosting him felt very mean but I did so remembering the hurt that caused me and recognizing that it was okay for me to hurt him back.

I blocked him but he still managed to get to me via email. I didn’t respond.

About 8 weeks in, he called. That had always been our routine after 8 weeks he would call and I would take him back. This time, I didn’t answer the phone. I sent him a text and told him that I wasn’t ready to talk yet. This yet seemed to satisfy him and he left me alone, most likely because he thought I would reach out down the road. I never did.

Letting go of my married man was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but I did it. And what happened when I did? I met the person who I am going to marry in July.

I never would have met him if I hadn’t, once and for all, ended a relationship that was sucking me dry.

I know that you can stick to your new year’s resolution to leave your married guy. Even if you haven’t done so before, I know that you can do it now!

Be determined, do things differently, take stock of his motivations and the truth behind your relationship and stay busy.

You can do this! I promise!

5 Fun Things To Do in 2023 to Keep Your Marriage Strong

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Ok, it’s the new year and, if you are married, are you perhaps looking for fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong?

We go into marriage hoping that it will last forever but on our wedding day we aren’t given an instruction manual a guidebook to help us navigate marriage and all its challenges.

As a result, many marriages die a slow death, often unnoticed by spouses until it’s too late!

I was married for 20 years and am now divorced and, in retrospect, it is quite clear to me how, because I left my marriage untended, it ultimately, sadly, ended.

So, based on my experience and the experiences of my friends and clients who are still married, I would like to share with you 5 fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong.

#1 – Give your marriage a check-up.

I have a client who has been happily married for 10 years. Very, very happy! When I asked her the secret to her success she told me it’s because they give their marriage an annual check-up, much like the one they get when they see their doctor, to check on the health of their union.

They do it every January, after the Christmas decorations are put away, in front of the fireplace, sipping Manhattans.

What questions do they ask during their check-up?

  1. Are they still friends?
  2. Are their lives still compatible?
  3. Are there any frustrations that have been ignored or left unsaid?
  4. What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses?
  5. Should they stay married for one more year, at least?

The conversation isn’t always easy. Marriage is hard and asking yourself tough questions about the state of it can be challenging, maybe even something that would be easier avoided.

But my client says that it is worth it. After they have their check-up, they are definitely happier and feeling hopeful about the year ahead.

So, have a check-up with your spouse. Bring the Manhattans or the hot chocolates. You will be glad you did.

#2 – Get away together.

I know, I know. Who has the time, or money, to get away from it all? Or even, maybe, any interest in doing so.

For married couples, life can be chaos. They work crazy hours, have to drive the kids to their various activities 7 days a week. They have to eat and clean and visit relatives and sleep. Ah, elusive sleep.

Taking a vacation from all that would only make things harder when they come back.

So, start small. There is no need to run off to the Caribbean (although definitely do that if you want to) but make a plan to go away for a long weekend, to somewhere that you would both like to visit.

Perhaps, if you live in the suburbs, a city close by. Or, if you live in the city, a new place out of town. Somewhere where you can just be yourselves, even if just for 72 hours.

My friends and I used to have an agreement that we would take each other’s kids when we wanted to get away. It might have added more stress when my friend was away but I knew that the time for us to get away for our long weekend would come.

And what could happen on your long weekends together? Could you actually have fun? Could you do the things that you used to do when you first met? Could you actually have sex that wasn’t a quickie? Could you have two drinks instead of one because you knew you wouldn’t have to wake up at 6 o’clock in the morning?

So, one of the fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong is to be lovers, not spouses and parents. And you can do that on your long weekend away.

#3 – Get away apart.

One of the problems with marriage is that we become so familiar with our spouse that we sometimes take them for granted.

Every morning, they are there at the table, drinking coffee. Every night, we try to fall asleep while they snore. The days fade and in out and we start to not even notice each other.

Even worse, there are times when the more time that we spend in a marriage the more we lose touch with ourselves.

I know that the best thing about getting divorced was that I was able to be myself, to do the things that I wanted to do. It made me very happy and, now that I am in a relationship again, I am determined not to lose touch with who I am.

Luckily, you can reconnect with yourself without getting divorced! Phew!

How? By going on a trip without your spouse.

Alone, or with a friend, you can do the things that you love to do. Perhaps it is shopping in the city, hiking a mountain in Peru, relaxing at a spa, visiting and playing with your sister.

For a short moment, you can step away from your life and take some time for yourself.

And, I can promise you that your spouse will notice your absence. When you return, they won’t be taking you for granted. They will know what it’s like to be drinking coffee at the table alone and they will have an increased appreciation of your presence in their lives.

And, you taking the time for yourself will bring you happiness and joy and a happy spouse leads to a happy marriage.

So, taking some time away is one of the fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong.

#4 – Celebrate the little things.

Ok, be honest, over the course of your marriage has celebrating the little things fallen to the wayside?

Is life just too busy to stop and recognize something special, something different?

I know that, when I was married and life was harried, the little things often came and went unnoticed.

Birthdays and anniversaries and Mother’s and Father’s Day and Easter and Halloween and Groundhog’s Day. All ignored.

I know that those things don’t seem like that big of a deal, maybe even sometimes feel like Hallmark holidays. But the reality is is that stopping and celebrating these things is one of those fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong.

Why? Because it’s the little things that keep the marriage strong, the little things that make someone feel loved, the little things that, when shared, can connect people in a lovely way.

Think back to the beginning of your relationship. Did anniversaries come and go without being noticed? Did birthdays pass with no card or gift. Was Halloween just another day of the year?

Or, were anniversaries recognized, if only in a small way? Did birthdays involve something special perhaps breakfast in bed or a loving card? And did you revel in the spookiness of Hallow’s eve, so different from every other night of the year?

And were those times of love and connection?

I know that, for a client of mine, she never received anything from her husband for their anniversary. Often times he forgot it on the day itself. And how did that make her feel? Unnoticed and unloved.

Why did this happen? Because he figured that they had been together for so long that recognizing their anniversary was no longer important. That she knew that he loved her and that he didn’t need to do anything to remind her.

Over the years these uncelebrated events made her feel ignored and unappreciated. And, with each even that was ignored, she found she loved her husband even less.

So, one of the things that you can do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong is to pause and celebrate the little things, the small rites of passage in your lives that you might take for granted.

#5 – Retell your love story.

This is one of my most favorite things to do to retell the story of how my boyfriend and I met and how we fell in love. Why? Because those were such magical times.

We are 5 years into our relationship now and, while we still have a lot of fun, romance is often on the back burner. And so, sometimes, often after a gin and tonic, I tell our story again.

About the first time I saw him and how I knew right then and there and how I then walked out of the room and didn’t think about him for 4 months. About how the first time I saw his beat-up pickup truck and how I wondered if he had another, nicer car. About how we agreed to be friends and then he kissed me. About the day that we moved in together and he learned what it was like to live with a dog. (It was good!)

And believe it or not, even if he is a guy, he loves it. He loves to hear our story and to remember the beginning, to remember the adventures we took, the late night conversations, all the fun sex we had, the feelings of being truly loved. Those times were magical and remembering them brings us close and reminds us why we are still together after all these years!

So, there you go. 5 fun things to do in 2023 to keep your marriage strong.

I hope the idea of doing these fun things with your spouse makes you feel hopeful. That giving your marriage a check-up might feel daunting but ultimately worth it. That getting away together, and apart, is something that you will look forward to eagerly and that celebrating the little things might even be refreshing.

And, do you see that, by doing these things to keep your marriage strong, in 2024 you will have even more of a love story to tell?

You can do this! You can keep your marriage strong and healthy. All it takes is taking the time to have a little fun and to reconnect with all of the things that brought you together in the first place!

5 Things About Love That All Women Must Know to Find It

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There are a few things about love that all women must know to find it. Unfortunately, most women know nothing about them.

Have you met the person of your dreams? Is this the one? If so, are you wondering what you must know about love so that you don’t make any mistakes?

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that some day our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Unfortunately, people are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a way that doesn’t serve us.

This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth about a relationship.

And often we don’t notice that truth until that relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Let me share with you 5 things about love that all women must know to find it.

#1 – Sex does not equal love.

There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn’t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, many women believe that if they have sex with a man not only will they be giving him what he wants but they will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her because of that.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

It is important that all women not jump into bed with someone the first night they meet them. Why? Because it is essential that the person you want to be with get to know you first, to see you as a human with a brain and a heart, not just someone with a vagina who they can use and walk away from.

Once they see you as a person, as someone they care about and who they respect, if you make love with them it will most likely have the emotional connection that you seek and a relationship might become a reality.

Also, it is essential that you not have sex with someone because you feel like they have put a lot of time and money into you and therefore you owe them. You owe a man nothing. It is their choice to put time and money into you; you owe them nothing return.

Don’t have sex with someone until you are ready to have sex with them. Period.

#2 – If he is interested he will stay in touch.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

How many times have we justified why our person isn’t reaching out, believing that they are busy or not within cell service?

Even worse, how many times have we told ourselves that he is confused about his feelings about us and is taking some time to step back and work things through.

Something that you must know about love is that if a guy isn’t communicating with you, he isn’t interested. Period. If he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he just isn’t that into you.

Guys are hunters. It is in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t.

Know that, those guys who disappear and then reappear, are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone, drunk after a night out with their buddies.

This is one of those things about love that all women must know to find it. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in. They aren’t interested and neither should you be!

Move on!

#3 – Being needy will only drive him away.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is be needy with a man.

We get needy, and clingy, for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are anxieties that must exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with neediness and clinginess you will drive your man away.

No one likes someone who is needy and clingy. Someone who is needy or clingy only makes someone feel trapped. It definitely doesn’t make someone feel interested. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so pitiful? Would you?

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Talk to him. Be secure in his feelings for you and/or recognize if he has none and move on. If you can’t be honest with him, it means that you are scared of what might happen if you do and that is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you get needy or clingy, your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

#4 – You MUST love yourself first.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

That someone will bring out the best in us, make us a better person, and that we will live happily ever after.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone who is attracted to that.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – You will be fine if it doesn’t work out.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out.

We are worried that we will be alone forever and that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that we are a loser and that the pain of the loss will be unbearable.

We believe that the world is a place for couples and being single just isn’t acceptable.

I am here to tell you that, as someone who spent almost four years alone, being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to get up and sleep when you want, never watch any sports that you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

And in a relationship like that, you will feel alone anyway.

When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish and respect you then your life will be full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims causing you pain every day.

Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching White Lotus and having a glass of wine?

There are so many things about love that all women must know to find it.

Know that sex doesn’t equal love, that you must always be yourself in a relationship, that if he isn’t in touch he doesn’t want you and that you will love and be loved again if it doesn’t work out!

One of the things that you must know about love is that never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

5 Things People Say to Justify Staying in a Toxic Relationship

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You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one that ‘ s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and downs of a toxic relationship.

They tend to believe that this person is the love or their life and that because their sex life is so good and that there are moments of happiness so there must be hope, right?

More often than not, no, I am afraid.

So that you can understand the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, I have listed them below.

Perhaps if you can see that what you say is just an excuse, an excuse that EVERYONE trying to escape a toxic relationship says, you will find the awareness and strength to walk away for good

Here you are – 5 things people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

#1 – I know that my love can fix them.

This is the number one excuse that I hear from people who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet they can justify staying.

When we love someone, we want to see the best in them. Even if our person causes us pain, we want to believe that they aren ‘ t horrible people, that they are just damaged people who can be fixed. And, more often than not, we set out to fix them so that we can save the relationship.

I have a client who was carrying on an affair with a married man and, while she loved him, it was making her miserable. Why? Because she saw how damaged he was and she wanted to help him. She figured if she stayed, in spite of the fact that he was married, she could show him that her love could make him happy and that he would leave his wife to be with her.

So, she set out to do just that. He was an angry person and she worked with him to stay calm. He struggled in his career because of his insecurities and she encouraged him to have confidence in his abilities and bought him career books to inspire him to work smarter. She told him he was a great lover, even though he really wasn ‘ t, and she was always there for him.

And guess what – it didn ‘ t work. Not only did he not leave his wife but he never changed, no matter how hard she tried to fix him.

But she loved him and wanted to be in the relationship so she didn ‘ t give up and, as a result, she stayed, ever hopeful but constantly let down.

So, don ‘ t believe that, if you just love your person enough, things will change. The only way someone will change is if they want to. Don ‘ t kid yourself.

If the person in front of you is making you miserable, ask yourself if you can love THIS person forever, not the person you believe that they could be. And if you can ‘ t, it ‘ s time to move on.

#2 – Things were so good in the beginning.

The beginning of any relationship is wonderful.

We spend hours talking about things, connecting in a way that we believe that we have never connected before. We have sex every night, sometimes more than once. We walk around on clouds, believing that we have finally found THE ONE.

But, as relationships settle in, those feelings change. Even in a good relationship, those intense feelings that were felt at the beginning fade, to be replaced by something that feels good but isn ‘ t so intense.

When a relationship is one that isn ‘ t good for us, those wonderful intense feelings can turn into something else, usually somethings that cause pain.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who ignored her. Who took her for granted and rarely even saw her there. And, yet, in spite of the fact that this made her miserable and made her feel like a horrible person, she stayed. Why? Because he was so nice to her in the beginning and she believed that he could be nice to her again.

Unfortunately, this just wasn ‘ t possible. For him, those intense feelings that he felt in the beginning were gone, replaced by contempt and disrespect. He had no desire to go back to the way things were in the beginning so he didn ‘ t even try.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that things could possibly be the way they were in the beginning because they won ‘ t ever be that way again.

#3 – If I can change, we will be happy!

I can ‘ t tell you how many people I coach believe that a toxic relationship is their fault. And the reason that they believe that is, more often than not, because their partner tells them this is so.

As a result, my clients are paralyzed, thinking that if they could make change, if they could be prettier or smarter or more independent or more involved in their partner ‘ s hobbies, things would be good again.

And, so, they set out to try to be all those things. They twist themselves into pretzels, trying to be what their person wants them to be, but not necessarily who they are.

Does this ever work? If people turn into things that they are not so that their person will love them again, will their relationship be happy? The answer, I am afraid, is no.

Unless you want to change for YOU, any change that you make will be inauthentic and your partner will know. If you suddenly wear make-up or like bowling, your person will only disrespect you for changing yourself for them, even if they told you it ‘ s what they wanted.

People who ask you to change are only using the way you are to make excuses for their bad behavior – they don ‘ t really expect you to change. And, when you do, they only have more contempt.

Believing that you must change, not them, is something that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship. And change definitely can be good.

But, unless you want to make change for yourself, don ‘ t even try. Changing won ‘ t save your relationship – it might even make it worse.

#4 – I will be alone forever if I leave.

This is the most inaccurate thing that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship – that they will never love or be loved again.

We all want to be in a relationship more than anything and fear that if we walk away from this one, we will never love or be loved again. That this person is the one and only person for us and leaving them will doom us to a life alone.

I remember thinking this exact thing in high school – that if I broke up with my boyfriend I would never find another one. And, guess what, I did, just a few weeks later. I have had countless boyfriends since then.

Every one of my clients who find the strength to walk away from a toxic relationship has found someone else to love. It might have taken some time and perhaps some self-reflection but they do find someone. I know that for my client who was dating a married man, when she finally got the strength to leave him, the guy of her dreams came into her life. She never would have found him if she hadn ‘ t had the strength to leave.

It ‘ s those of us who stay who never find happiness in love. We stay, in an unhappy relationship, hoping that things will change. And they don ‘ t.

So, don ‘ t let the belief that you will never love or be loved again keep you in a relationship that is bad for you. If you can walk away from this one, someone who can love you better is out there, waiting.

#5 – I don ‘ t deserve any more than I have.

This is one of the saddest things that people say to justify staying a bad relationship. That they aren ‘ t worth any more than the person they are with. The person who treats them badly.

Unfortunately, people who are in relationships that are bad for them often feel really bad about themselves.

Weeks, months or years of being with someone who tears them down, who ignores them or treats them with contempt or fools around on them or belittles them, can cause even the strongest person to lose their self-esteem. As a result, they believe that this toxic relationship is all that they deserve.

Let me tell you that NO ONE, no one deserves to be mistreated in a relationship. We are all human beings in the world who deserve to be happy, who deserve to be loved and cared for. If your person only makes you feel bad about yourself, thinking that this is all that you deserve will only hold you back from finding the love that you want, to get yourself back and live your life fully!

I would encourage you to start spending time with people who love you – your family, your friends, your co-workers, people who will remind you that you do deserve better, that you are worth a lot in this world.

If you can start to see that you deserve better, you will find the strength to walk away from this toxic relationship and find the person of your dreams.

I really should write a book about the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

Every single client of mine thinks that their situation is unique, that their toxic relationship is like none other and that staying is all that they can do.

I hate to tell them but the reasons that they stay are the same reasons that other people stay in toxic relationships. In toxic relationships, the details might be different but the dynamics of the relationships are the same. And the reasons for staying are universal.

Many (most) people have a hard time being honest with themselves about many things, particularly about the state of their relationship. As a result, they waste good time on someone who treats them badly, time that they could be spending out in the world, finding their person.

So, if you believe that the problems in this relationship can be fixed by you loving them enough, if you believe that things can go back to the way that they were in the beginning and if you believe that you don ‘ t deserve any better, ask yourself if you are truly being honest with yourself.

Do you truly think that those things are true or do you know, on some level, that you are kidding yourself? That you are just scared to go, so you stay, justifying your behavior in whatever way you can.

It ‘ s time discard those justifications, to face what those lies are doing to your happiness, to push back on them and walk away.

Walk away towards of life full of love, self-respect and honesty.

You can do this! I promise!

5 Reasons Why Your Married Man Always Breaks His Promises

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Are you having an affair and struggling because your married man always break his promises?

Are you sure that he is your soul mate and that you are meant to be together forever but are you not understanding why he never keeps a promise that he makes?

Why does he tell you he loves you out of one side of his mouth and then lie to with the other? How could someone who loves you do that?  How could you spend the rest of your life with someone you can’t trust?

I totally get it and have been there. In retrospect, I know exactly what is going on.

Let me help you understand why your married man always breaks his promises so that you can decide what to do about it.

#1 – He is making promises that he can’t keep.

The number one, and most obvious, reason your married man always breaks his promises is because he makes you promises that he just can’t keep.

I know that, back in the day, my married man was always making me promises, big and small.

He would promise that he would be there for dinner or that we could go away for the weekend or that he would call me at a certain time. And then none of those things would happen.

He would also promise me that he would leave his wife and that we would be together forever and that never happened.

All of those promises were ones that he just couldn’t keep. For the small things, life would just get in the way and they wouldn’t happen. For THE big one, I know now that, for him to do that, it would have taken a tremendous amount of strength and fortitude, something that he just did not have.

I do believe that he wanted to be with me, ultimately, but he just couldn’t make it happen. There was, for him, too much at stake to leave his wife. He knew his finances would be destroyed and that he wouldn’t see his kids all the time and that his social life would suffer.

And yet, even though he knew this, he kept on promising to leave his wife, I think hoping that one day the stars would align and he could do so without causing all the damage that he was afraid of.

And that time never came. Shocking!

#2 – You are not his priority.

I know that he says that you are the only one for him and that he puts you and your feelings first every time, but the reality is is that he just doesn’t. He might want to, but he doesn’t.

There is work and family and friends and working out and chores. All of those things are things that must get done. And none of them are things that are a secret, like you are.

I know that, when my married man promised me that he would come see me on the weekend and then he had to work, he always had to choose work. Why? Because it wasn’t like he could tell work that he couldn’t make it in because he had promised his lover that he would visit her.

Nor could he tell his family or his friends or anyone else that I existed. As a result, whenever something came up, I was the one who was cast to the side.

When we are in a real relationship where no one is kept secret, we are an open part of any equation in a decision being made. As you might know, a man will try to put his wife first because when she is happy, he is happy. The same would happen with a girlfriend. Instead of putting everything else first without considering you, your man would be able to openly share with others that he has to consider you and, often, plans could be changed in your favor.

However, now you are a secret. You are the one who he has to hide from everyone. And, as a result, even if he wanted to, he just couldn’t make you a priority.

And that, I am afraid, is one reason why your married man always breaks his promises.

#3 – He knows that you will let him get away with it.

So, be honest with yourself – when your married man breaks his promises, do you always forgive him?

I am guessing that you do get really pissed off and that you let him know it. Perhaps you make the decision to walk away forever, knowing that you just can’t deal with the lies anymore. Perhaps you actually do walk away, heartbroken.

BUT, do you always go back? I am guessing that, in spite of the broken promises, you truly believe that he is the love of your life and that once he leaves his wife he will stop breaking his promises and you will live happily ever after so back you go.

So, knowing that there will be no consequences if your married man always breaks his promises, why would he make any real effort to make any change, to keep the promises that he makes?

The best thing that you could do if your married man always breaks his promises is to get up and walk away. Walk away until he does leave his wife and is willing to put you first.

I mean, if you had a boyfriend who was always breaking his promises, would you stay, forgiving him every time for his actions? I am guessing probably not!

If you always forgive your man when he breaks his promises, I am afraid that you are as much the source of your heartbreak as he is because you stick around and take it!

#4- He might just be a liar.

It might not surprise you to hear that your married man just might be a liar.

I mean, after all, he is stepping out on his wife and, at this point, lying has probably a habit that he can’t control.

Men who are cheating on their wives are often men who have a hard time owning their behaviors. Men who feel badly about themselves. Men who know that they are letting people down. And, when they feel so badly about themselves, they can develop patterns of behavior that are toxic. And lying is one of them.

I know that, with my married guy, when we first met he was very honest with me. We shared all of our hopes and dreams and his unhappiness and from that sharing our love grew.

But, as time went on and our relationship became more complicated, he stopped being the open and forthright person he had always been. He knew that he was letting me down and he didn’t want to do that. So, to try to keep me from feeling bad, he made promises that he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep. And he did that over and over and over in spite of how much worse it made me feel than if he hadn’t made them

And, knowing that I wouldn’t leave him, even if he lied, gave him the permission to do so, over and over and over. We developed this pattern where he lied and promised to never do it again and I forgave him and we were happy until it did happen again.

Reflect on your relationship. Has it changed over the months or years, from one that is based on honesty to one that is rife with lies? I am guessing it probably has!

#5- He knows he can’t give you what you really want.

This is THE reason why your married man always breaks his promises because he knows that, ultimately, he won’t be able to give you what you want  him.

And the way this makes him feel makes him lie to you, to break his promises.

Your married man does love you. I am sure of that. And he wants to have you in his life because you give him pleasure and sex and allow him to step away from his humdrum life, even if just for a little bit. And, because of that love, he doesn’t want to lie to you but he feels like he has to, to protect himself and you.

So, the two of you are doing this dance, a pretend waltz, trying to create a universe where you will be able to be together. And that universe is one built on broken promises and fear for the future.

Unfortunately, more often than not, affairs such as these do end. One of the participants realizes that they must let go because the pain is too great, and that person is usually the woman.

And the men will do anything for them to stay and so they make more promises, desperate to keep them in their lives, even if they know that they can’t keep them.

It is so heartbreaking to know that your married man always breaks his promises.

I know that you love him and that you truly believe that you are soulmates but I am here to tell you that that is not true. Your married man is just another damaged soul, one who just does not know what to do next.

As a result, they take the easy way out making promises and then breaking them.

It’s up to you now.

Do you want to continue on this gerbil wheel of being lied to, of waiting around for your married man to leave his wife and be with you?

Do you want to continue to forgive him, hoping that things will change?

Can you truly still love someone who lies to you over and over and over?

You only have one life to live.”Are you truly living it the way you want to?

If not, make change! You can do it! I promise.

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